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To: ; ; ;

Subject: Unity Dinner

Dear All,

A few words ahead of the unity dinner on Sunday:

  1. In response to the extremely helpful and constructive feedback I (the ‘optimistic nitwit’ was it?) received from Severus regarding the seating arrangements, I’ve decided to keep it
  2. Please confiscate any and all alcohol items, bought OR homemade (Pomona) from your students - I think I speak for all of us when I say we don’t require any drunken, blubbery re-enactments of scenes from Game of Thrones (however impassioned and heartfelt they may be) 
  3. Please pass along my thanks to those students who have made use of the assortment of decorative oddments we had available, the hall looks bloody fabulous 
  4. Good shout on tweaking the pudding choices Filius, I agree treacle tart is a much better option 

Warmest and kindest regards,


Albus Dumbledore

Chairman of the Board of Governors

The Hogwarts Foundation Trust

Chapter Text

Morning, it's another pure grey morning

Don't know what the day is holding

When I get uptight

And I walk right into the path of a lightning bolt

- Jake Bugg


[06:53] Hey, I found your mates phone at the unity dinner thing, I’m just going to hand it in at your school reception ok?

[06:57] At least I’m hoping you’re mates, last few messages were from you but you’re saved as ThisCharmingWanker?

[07:01] Bloody hell that’s a massive fountain! Bit pretentious isn’t it?

[07:02] This is an indecently uncivilised hour to be messaging someone. Kindly fuck off.

[07:16] Wow. You know what, you didn’t even need to reply. Fuck me for trying to be decent right? SO SORRY that I actually had somewhere else to be other than hanging around THE POSH SCHOOL FOR STUCK-UP WANKERS

[07:20] This is it. This is how I die. Harangued to death by a GriffIdiot at the ARSECRACK OF DAWN

[07:20] Go fuck yourself

[07:21] Charming

[07:22] Thought that was supposed to be you?

[07:22] Why are you still texting me?


Group Chat: Golden Trio

[HPSauce] FFS remind me never to do anything nice for anyone ever again

[GingerKing] Okay!

[TheBrains] Where have you been? What happened?


[HPSauce] Meet at history. Be there soon.

[GingerKing] Snagged you some toast from breakfast club


[GingerKing] LOVE YOU TOO

[TheBrains] You’re standing right next to each other






[08:17] Does a school really need a big fuck off poncy pretentious fountain though? Wouldn’t Mummy and Daddy’s money be better spent on teaching one how not to be a dickhead?

[08:18] Asking for a friend!

[08:52] I would like to inform you that the fountain was donated by our sister school in Basel, a city that is rich in history and culture, something I wouldn’t expect you to know anything about you absolute fucking barbarian.

[08:54] Hm, still pretentious though…?

[08:55] It’s not pretentious, it’s history. And it’s supposed to be relaxing, that’s why it’s next to the peace garden. I bet you didn’t even read the plaque did you.

[10:17] Peace garden? I’ll be circling back to this in a moment

[10:18] But no, I did not read the plaque because I was too busy being interrogated by your horrible receptionist

[11:02] Middle aged witch dressed entirely in pink? A bit toad-y looking?

[12:12] YES!!! She said I was lying about the phone, it took me an HOUR to convince her I wasn’t some ‘undesirable’ who was ‘up to no good’

[13:01] What an ordeal, did you need a bit of sit down after? Cup of tea and biscuit?

[13:59] I know you’re making fun of me but that would have been really nice actually

[14:00] Tell me what the plaque says about your pretentious fountain

[14:57] It’s not pretentious

[14:59] What is it even supposed to be though?

[15:01] A basilisk, obviously

[15:02] ‘Obviously’

[15:33] It’s based off the basilisk memorial drinking fountains

[15:41] Okay, if anything you’re just adding to the pretentiousness now


[12:11] Guess what I’ve been doing :-P

[12:23] Learning to tie your own shoes?

[12:25] Oh he’s a comedian now

[12:26] Come on guess, it’s no fun if you don’t play

[12:28] No

[12:29] I’ve been researching basilisks!

[12:31] Good for you

[12:32] I’ve got some thoughts, which I will now share with you

[12:33] ONE it does look a bit like a dragon fucked a chicken

[12:34] TWO the death-stare thing is pretty cool, is that why you Slytherins glare at people? Are you trying to kill us all?

[12:35] Yes

[12:36] Well, you know why that won’t work don’t you

[12:37] Go on ask me, I know you want to know


[12:42] Oh my god

[12:42] Admittedly, only if I were to cry on you, but still!

[12:44] Also weasel urine...? But that’s a bit gross...?

[12:45] No judgement, but would you rather be cried on or peed on?

[12:47] Wtf is wrong with you

[12:48] If you don’t tell me I’m just going to assume ‘peed on’


[12:51] There that wasn’t so hard was it

[14:47] Things that are less pretentious than The Basilisk Fountain:

[14:48] Insisting you liked a band before they were famous

[15:32] Literary tattoos

[16:05] Kale

[16:49] Any restaurant you have to queue to get into

[17:34] That the ‘value’ range in Waitrose is called Essential and includes hummus and brioche

[17:35] Waitrose in general

[18:11] A cup of tea that costs more than £1

[18:37] People who say “I’m sure you won’t have seen/heard/read it”

[18:49] SSPS InstantMessenger

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

NevilleHotBottom: WHAT

NevilleHotBottom: How the hell did you change my name?

> User: NevilleHotBottom changed his name to N.Longbottom  <

ThisCharmingWanker: Is it possible that the basilisk fountain is a bit pretentious?

N.Longbottom: Yes of course it is

ThisCharmingWanker: Damn

ThisCharmingWanker: What about the peace garden?

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville?

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

> User:  N.Longbottom has logged out  <


[08:17] BREAKING NEWS: ThisCharmingWanker admits that fountain may be slightly pretentious!

[08:22] IN OTHER, COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS: Undesirable No. 1 thinks basilisks look pretty fucking cool!

[10:34] Group Chat: Golden Trio

[GingerKing] You looked smug at breakfast club this morning

[HPSauce] I’m not quite sure what you’re implying

[GingerKing] I am implying that you looked smug. For “reasons”.

[TheBrains] It’s INFERRING. Stop texting and pay attention to McG!

[GingerKing] Something is a afoot

[HPSauce] I won an argument.

[GingerKing] With who? Your cornflakes?

[TheBrains] WHOM FFS.

[HPSauce] That wanker from the phone thing. There was a fountain involved.

[TheBrains] A fountain?

[GingerKing] Well I’m glad you won, any chance to one-up those Slytherin prats

[TheBrains] Xfjhgh

[GingerKing] Oh my god

[HPSauce] I know mate, I knooow

[GingerKing] Her face!


[GingerKing] Live for this moment, for we may never bear witness to HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER BEING TOLD OFF FOR TEXTING IN CLASS ever again!

[HPSauce] It is a truly blessed day

[GingerKing] Mate, are you sure he’s a student?

[HPSauce] ?

[GingerKing] From the thing, how do you know he’s a student?

[HPSauce] I read through his messages on the phone, for investigative purposes obviously

[GingerKing] So sneaky, we’ll make a detective out of you yet Potter

[HPSauce] Thanks ;-)

[GingerKing] Does make you wonder though

[HPSauce] What

[GingerKing] Might know him

[HPSauce] (typing) It's not MESSAGE DELETED


[GingerKing] Oop.

[HPSauce] Potter Out.

[12:04] What’s your name?

[13:12] ThisCharmingWanker ;-)

[13:14] What does your Mum call you?

[13:15] Darling

[13:16] What does it say on your birth certificate?

[13:17] He asked in a very obvious attempt at Identity Theft

[13:17] How do you know I’m a he?

[13:19] I have it on reasonably good authority that Undesirable No. 1 is a “disgraceful, sweaty young man whose hair defies both logic and gravity”

[13:24] That is an alarmingly accurate description, should I be concerned?

[13:25] That the pink toady receptionist has eyes? I think you’re safe

[13:27] ‘Disgraceful’ seems a bit harsh

[13:28] And yet I have no trouble believing her

[13:30] How do you know if I’m a student?

[13:32] “where the fuck is my fucking Chemistry book? And remind me why again we’re using fucking BORAGE? It’s like Snape wants us to fail, the fucking fuckwit”

[13:34] That is an alarmingly accurate recollection, should I be concerned?

[13:35] Eh, made me laugh

[13:35] Also…

[13:35] SNAP

[13:37] My condolences, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy

[13:38] Actually maybe I would…he is a massive prick

[13:39] You're trouble

[13:40] You’ve no idea

[13:47] How would pink toady receptionist describe you then?

[13:48] Devilishly handsome of course

[13:49] Of course, though somewhat inappropriate of a school administrator

[13:50] Facts are facts

[13:51] Can’t argue with the truth

[18:49] It’s not him

[18:51] Him who

[18:51] Why are you messaging me when you’re three feet away

[18:53] I don’t want Hermione to do that all-knowing thing she does with her face

[18:55] I love that face

[18:56] Then maybe you should TELL THAT FACE

[18:57] It’s not MALFOY, I know that’s what you were implying inferring getting at earlier

[18:58] How do you know?

[18:58] Malfoy wasn’t at the unity dinner

[18:59] Oh, noticed that did you

[19:00] You can’t do the all-knowing face, only Hermione can do the face

[19:01] STOP THAT

[19:17] My point is, he wasn’t there – and the person whose phone I found obviously WAS there, wouldn’t it also make sense for their friend, AKA ThisCharmingWanker, to also be there, because they’re friends?

[19:18] Okay…?

[19:19] Also, Malfoy would never be friends with someone who had foliage as their phone screensaver

[19:23] THAT would just be crazy

[19:27] Yes exactly Ron! Exactly!

[19:35] I know this is going to seem a bit ‘out there’ but…maybe you could just ask him?

[19:36] He’s sneaky, and deflective

[19:37] Much like…

[19:38] And he admitted he was wrong about something, Malfoy would never do that

[19:39] True

[20:01] Alright, say it’s not him…you’re still messaging some random from our rival school

[20:03] So? What about all that unity stuff?

[20:05] You literally said to me this ‘unity stuff’ was “a load of fucking wank that can suck my dick” on Monday, not two hours after this random gave you shit about waking him up

[20:07] I dunno, he’s kind of funny?

[20:08] I think he's flirting

[20:09] Stop doing the face


[08:17] Aren’t you going to tell me your name?

[08:23] Why would I do that?

[08:25] Because I asked? Like a reasonable human being?

[08:27] Oh but this is so much more fun

[08:28] I get the impression you’re the kind of person who finds this not-knowing a little…frustrating?

[08:32] I bet I could find out who you are just from our conversations

[08:33] A bet I would *obviously* win because I could just block your number

[13:07] I’ve had a brilliant idea

[13:23] I find that hard to believe

[13:24] I feel like I should be offended

[13:27] Your feelings are none of my concern

[13:28] Don’t you want to know what my idea is?

[13:28] Okay I’ll tell you: I bet I can figure out who you are just from our conversations BEFORE you can find out who I am

[13:31] Hmm, the only problem is that I don’t care who you are?

[13:32] Well now you’re just being hurtful pocket pal

[13:34] I can live with that

[13:35] Besides, your proposal is flawed – we could both just lie and no one would win

[13:36] Funnily enough, I thought of that, and I’m pretty sure I have an offer you’ll find difficult to pass up

[13:37] You can set the deadline and the punishment for the loser

[13:59] That is a dangerous offer pocket prat

[14:45] Loser has to wear the winners’ school colours at the Slytherin/Griffin match

[16:03] You know that match is a week tomorrow

[16:12] Scared?

[16:13] You wish ;-)

[16:17] Do you accept my terms or not

[16:21] I accept


[16:21] I don’t plan on losing


[08:23] Good morning pocket pal :D

[08:25] What fresh hell is this


[08:25] You ARE trying to kill me

[08:26] You know what, I concede. I look glorious in red. See you at the game pocket prat.

[08:27] No come on! Un-concede!

[10:33] I’m sorry for waking you up

[10:47] Why were you up so early?

[10:49] Are you un-conceding?

[10:50] Ugh fine yes

[10:51] But don’t make these early morning wake-up calls a habit if you want our little chats to continue

[10:52] Duly noted

[10:53] Come on then, why were you up so early

[10:54] It wasn’t that early!

[10:55] It bloody was

[10:56] Were you having a cheeky wank…?

[10:56] OH MY GOD


[10:57] I don’t hear you denying it

[10:58] No I was not having a ‘cheeky wank’ ffs

[10:59] If you must know I went for a walk down to Hogsmeade

[11:00] How boring

[11:01] Well now you know that about me, you have to tell me something about you

[11:01] I don’t think I do

[11:02] Come on we can play 20 questions…for the bet ;-)

[11:03] Well you now know I’m not a morning person, does that mean I get the next question?

[11:04] I’ve had the distinct impression you weren’t a morning person since Monday so no, I get the next question

[11:05] Fine, ask away Undesirable No. 1

[11:06] Is that what I’m saved as on your phone?

[11:07] Is that your first question?

[11:07] Yes

[11:07] Yes

[11:08] Rude, I’ll have you know I’m plenty desirable thank you very much

[11:09] Yes I’m sure you have all the Griffins' hearts a-flutter

[11:09] Was it cold outside when you went on your walk?

[11:10] How will you figure out who I am from that?

[11:11] I’m not revealing my plan to you, do you think I’m an amateur? Answer the question

[11:12] Yeah it was cold

[11:12] How tall are you?

[11:13] 5’11”, how do you like your chances in the Slytherin/Griffin match?

[11:15] Obviously we’re going to destroy you, what’s your favourite colour?

[11:16] Green

[11:18] If I went to Puddifoot’s, the ONLY café in Hogsmeade, which also happens to be the ONLY business open at 8:30ish, and asked about a young chap, bundled up against the morning chill and probably wearing a red Griffin scarf…would they remember you?

[11:21] …still want to play?

[11:22] I never said I went to Puddifoot’s

[11:23] Oh but you did go, didn’t you

[11:24] Don’t worry, you’re lucky I’m still in bed otherwise I would have this bet won by noon

[11:26] You’re still in bed are you…

[11:26] Yes

[11:27] Having a cheeky wank? ;-)

[11:28] Don’t make it weird

[11:29] You asked me the same question!

[11:30] That was just to throw you off

[11:31] Mmhm

[11:32] Are you pouting because I’m winning?

[11:35] You’re not winning

[11:36] Mmhm, and you’re *not* pouting

[11:37] Well I have to get up, and then I have to study – until next time Undesirable No. 1

[11:38] TTYL ThisCharmingWanker

[12:32] Group Chat: Golden Trio

[HPSauce] Are you really ignoring me right now

[HPSauce] I said I was sorry

[HPSauce] Ron

[HPSauce] Ronald

[HPSauce] Ronniekins

[HPSauce] Won-Won

[GingerKing] Can you not see that I am studying.

[HPSauce] By studying do you mean kicking my chair?

[GingerKing] I believe you kicked mine first.


[GingerKing] Are you sure Hermione? Are you certain she can hear us over the sound of my growling and CAVERNOUSLY VACANT stomach because our so-called best friend ‘forgot’ to pick up the pumpkin pasties from Puddifoot’s for lunch?

[HPSauce] Okay look, it was really busy and I wasn’t feeling great and I just needed to get out of there

[HPSauce] Pleeease let me make it up to you?

[GingerKing] How

[HPSauce] We’ll go to the Hogs Head, tonight, for dinner

[TheBrains] Ugh that place is such a dive

[HPSauce] But they’ll serve us

[HPSauce] And there won’t be any posh twats from Slytherin there, they’ll all be at the ‘sticks

[HPSauce] …win win? Win win for won-won?

[GingerKing] Harry’s right, come on Hermione it’ll be fun

[TheBrains] Oh forgiven him now have you

[GingerKing] Don’t know what you’re talking about

[TheBrains] Fine

[TheBrains] On one condition

[TheBrains] You both have to finish the history essay first

[HPSauce] Fine, easy

[GingerKing] No problem at all

[TheBrains] Without my notes

[GingerKing] Nooooo

[HPSauce] Nooooo

[TheBrains] Should’ve thought of that before you got me in trouble with McG


[19:12] THIS is it, THIS is how I die


[19:34] I’ll be sure to remember for the eulogy

[19:35] “He died as he lived: being overly dramatic. I’ll miss his early morning charm and penchant for fountains, may he rest in peace.”

[19:36] I’ll haunt you

[19:37] Brilliant, always wanted a ghost sidekick

[19:38] HAHA. What are you doing anyway?

[19:39] Getting ready to go out

[19:40] What are you wearing?

[19:41] Is this a sext? Are you sexting me?

[19:42] Oh Christ

[19:43] ;-)

[19:44] Jeans and jumper

[19:45] Boring

[19:46] It is a very nice jumper thank you very much, fitted, ultra-soft, really makes my eyes ‘pop’

[19:48] Well in that case…Neville, fetch the smelling salts for I am positively swooning [

19:49] Neville?

[19:50] The Botany Bastard who’s tricked me into an early grave

[19:51] I’ll be sure to send him flowers

[19:52] You planned this together didn’t you!

[19:54] Tell him I want him to know it was ME - Neville

[19:55] The betrayal!

[19:56] Just couldn’t resist that botany prowess

[19:57] Fair enough

[19:58] Sorry, I am being summoned

[19:58] Have a good night!

[19:59] Yeah you too

[19:35] Group Chat: Golden Trio

[TheBrains] We’re outside!

[GingerKing] Harry

[GingerKing] Mate

[GingerKing] Oi

[HPSauce] One sec

[19:57 TheBrains calling: HPSauce]

-Call Disconnected-

[HPSauce] On my way

[23:17] Are you awake?

[23:19] This better not be a thinly veiled attempt to resume the sexting

[23:19] First of all, I believe that was YOU that started it with all your lasciviousness (re: wanking, re: what are you wearing)



[23:21] Second of all, no, I’m walking home which just so happens to involve walking past the Forbidden Forest which, as you know, is right next to your school

[23:22] It’s not a forest, at best it’s a copse you idiot

[23:22] I’m mildly concerned as to why you think it is ‘forbidden’


[23:24] If you were any sort of gentleman you’d call me to make sure I don’t get murdered

[23:25] How does that work then? How could I possibly stop you from getting murdered over the phone? If anything I’d just be forced to hear your pathetic dying screams, no thank you

[23:26] I think I heard something howl

[23:27] Do you

[23:29] What

[23:36] Very clever

[23:41] This is stupid, you’re an idiot

[23:43] Or I’m the idiot sending messages out into the void

[Calling Undesirable No. 1]

“…hello trouble.”

“Trouble? Good grief.”

“That’s what you’re saved as, on my phone, the phone on which we are now speaking, hi.”

“Hello. I’m just calling to make sure you’re not dead or, at the very least, y’know… maimed, which you’re clearly not so…goodbye.”

[Call Disconnected]

[23:49] What a gentleman! Neville – fetch the smelling salts!

[23:50] Fuck off

[23:52] Were you outside? It sounded windy

[23:53] No, just looking out of my window at your ‘Forbidden Forest’

[23:54] Could you see me walking past?

[23:54] Yes

[23:54] Really???

[23:55] Yes because my eyesight is JUST THAT GOOD

[23:56] Aren’t you home yet? It’s nearly midnight

[23:56] Almost

[23:57] I bet it’s a nice view from your window, during the day anyway

[23:58] It is actually, on a clear day you can just about see Hogsmeade

[23:58] (typing) Are you MESSAGE DELETED

[23:59] Home with a minute to spare!

[23:59] Goodnight Cinderella

[00:00] Goodnight Trouble

Chapter Text

If I go, there will be trouble

And if I stay it will be double

The Clash


[09:11] Group Chat: Golden Trio

[GingerKing] Mum says to come over any time but lunch will be on for 3

[HPSauce] Brilliant

[TheBrains] Can I bring anything?

[GingerKing] Maybe you can bring Neville?

[TheBrains] What? Who’s Neville?

[HPSauce] Hahaha

[GingerKing] ‘Who’s Neville’? Don’t let Neville hear you talking that way!

[TheBrains] What are you talking about??

[TheBrains] Oh my god

[GingerKing] Did Neville make it to your room or is he still in the kitchen?

[TheBrains] Mum just came in asking why there is a Monstera plant next to the Nespresso machine

[HPSauce] I believe you thought Neville might appreciate a cup of coffee in the morning




[GingerKing] Ok ok

[GingerKing] You stole it from the pub

[GingerKing] And Harry named it Neville

[GingerKing] We’re still not entirely sure how you did it…?

[HPSauce] When we asked you just said “Magic! HAHAHAHAHA!” and fell into a shrub

[GingerKing] It was brilliant

[TheBrains] I’m going back to bed

[HPSauce] @The Brains do you want a lift with us? Leaving about 1ish

[TheBrains] That would be great, thanks!

[HPSauce] Sirius also said we can take the plant back to the pub if you want haha

[TheBrains] Nah, I’ve moved him into my room now, I quite like him

[GingerKing] I guess sooner or later, Neville wins everyone over

[HPSauce] So it would seem


[11:03] How’s Neville?

[11:18] What is this? Aren’t you going to ask how I am? After it was I who so gallantly ensured your safe arrival home last night?

[11:19] I’ll have you know I was all prepared to rescue you from the perils of the forbidden forest, and the only thanks I get for my endeavour is How’s Neville?

[11:19] I see how it is

[11:23] Forgive me, love. You’re my hero! Neville who?

[11:24] That’s more like it

[11:25] Sooo

[11:25] So?

[11:26] About last night

[11:26] What of it

[11:27] You called me

[11:28] You obviously wanted me to call you

[11:29] Maybe

[11:29] Definitely

[11:30] Did I sound how you thought I would?

[11:31] You’re a guy and you sounded like a guy

[11:32] Succinct

[11:33] It was barely a minute and it was very windy

[11:34] Fair point. Next time we’ll talk for longer

[11:35] Next time? That is very presumptuous, you don’t even know my name

[11:36] And who’s fault is that

[11:37] Yours, obviously

[11:38] ???

[11:39] Your attempts to find out who I am have so far been pitiful

[11:40] How many of those ‘20 Questions’ did you ask me yesterday? Three?

[11:41] Fair point

[11:41] We could pick up where we left off…?

[11:42] Later - I’ve got a family thing in a bit

[11:43] Can I sneak in one question before you disappear?

[11:45] If you must

[11:45] Make it a good one

[11:46] Can you explain the origins of ‘ThisCharmingWanker’?

[11:48] I like The Smiths. Neville came up with it, he thinks he’s funny

[11:49] That’s pretty good actually

[11:50] It was Neville’s phone you found by the way

[11:51] Yeah I figured

[11:51] Plant background+plant documentary+botany bastard = One True Neville

[11:52] Impressive

[11:53] *bows* I should say the same, The Smiths? Would not have called that

[11:54] Now I want you to stay here with me and talk about music

[11:55] Don’t tempt me :(

[11:56] Argh fine get out of here, enjoy family time


[19:47] Status update: It turns out my godfather hates The Smiths

[19:47] I KNOW

[19:48] I’ve been banished outside to eat my apple crumble

[19:48] He said I’m lucky he hasn’t disowned me completely for assaulting his ears with quote unquote ‘overrated miserable hipster crap’

[19:49] He can be a little dramatic

[19:51] It’s colder than it looks outside by the way

[19:53] I wish I had a cosy blanket to snuggle under

[19:54] Are you a snuggler? ;-)

[19:55] I bet you are, but you pretend you’re not

[19:55] You seem like one of ‘those’ types

[19:56] All posh and buttoned-up on the outside

[19:57] That’s how you sounded on the phone

[19:57] You didn’t ask but I’m telling you anyway

[19:58] Proper fucking posh

[19:58] Like Malfoy MESSAGE DELETED

[20:00] I digress

[20:00] I think you’re a snuggler


[20:02] Don’t worry pocket pal, your secret is safe with me!

[20:03] Ah punishment over!


[21:19] Your rambling diatribe was...amusing

[21:19] Your brain honestly

[21:19] Are you like this in real life?

[21:20] Your godfather is so wrong about The Smiths

[21:21] ‘Proper fucking posh’?

[21:21] Not quite sure what to make of that


[22:44] And…? Come on

[22:47] And what

[22:48] You fucking know what ;-)

[22:49] Like I said before, I’m a gentleman

[22:50] I don’t snuggle and tell

[22:51] Tease

[22:52] I’m snuggling right now

[22:53] Alone?

[22:54] Sadly yes

[22:55] Why? You offering…?

[22:56] Snuggling with a Smiths fan? Whatever would your godfather say?

[22:57] Not to mention attending rival schools

[22:58] Star crossed snugglers

[22:59] I guess it wasn’t meant to be

[22:59] Probably just as well

[23:00] How so?

[23:01] I’m an excellent snuggler

[23:01] I’d ruin you for other snugglers

[23:02] Maybe I’d let you

[23:03] And you call me Trouble

[23:04] Are you up for some Qs before sleep?

[23:04] All I’ve got so far is ‘tall’ ‘likes green’ ‘has okayish taste in music’

[23:05] ‘Okayish’?!

[23:06] The Smiths could be a fluke! I need more data

[23:07] All time top five favourite albums?

[23:08] Pass

[23:08] You can’t just pass!

[23:09] I believe I just did

[23:09] It's too subjective a question, you need to factor in mood, time of day, who you’re with or not with, the weather

[23:10] The weather?!

[23:10] It’s impossible to answer

[23:10] Do you have Spotify?

[23:11] I do

[23:11] I’ll make you a playlist

[23:12] Really?

[23:12] The Musical Education of Undesirable No.1 - Vol.1

[23:13] You assume I need an education?

[23:14] Yes, with multiple volumes

[23:14] I have good taste!

[23:15] That remains to be seen

[23:15] Then I’ll make you a playlist too, Trouble

[23:16] Ugh, I strongly object to being called Trouble

[23:17] There is a way of remedying that you know

[23:18] I’m not telling you my name

[23:18] I suppose I shall have to endure it

[23:19] What a hero

[23:20] Well you’ve got this hero for another 10 minutes and then he’s going to sleep

[23:21] Ok, what subjects are you taking?

[23:21] Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Economics

[23:22] Fucking hell

[23:22] That’s impressive

[23:23] What are you going to do at uni? Are you training to be Tony Stark?

[23:23] *whispering*Are you Iron Man?

[23:24] That is

[23:24] I don’t even know what to say to that

[23:25] I woke Neville up from laughing

[23:25] He is not amused

[23:26] Poor Neville

[23:27] Poor me more like

[23:27] I’ll have to get him another plant now

[23:28] Our room already looks like a bloody rainforest

[23:29] Haha, I’d like to see that

[23:29] Inviting yourself up to my room now?

[23:30] Or you could just send me a picture you numpty

[23:30] I’ll think about it

[23:31] I guess this is goodnight then

[23:31] ?

[23:32] You said I could only have you for 10 minutes

[23:32] Right

[23:33] I did say that

[23:33] Goodnight then

[23:34] Night night



[13:23] How tall are you?

[13:29] Oh hello, how are you? I’m very well thanks for asking

[13:30] I think you and I are a bit beyond the pleasantries seeing as you asked if liked being peed on last week

[13:31] Haha yeah maybe

[13:31] We say goodnight sometimes

[13:32] We do

[13:33] Right

[13:34] So, how tall?

[13:34] Why so curious all of a sudden?

[13:35] Because you think I’m tall

[13:36] You are tall…?

[13:36] I’m 5’8ish

[13:37] Oh my god

[13:37] You are a literal pocket prat

[13:38] Fuck. Off.

[13:39] No really

[13:39] I could just carry you around in my pocket all the time


[13:38] Group Chat: Golden Trio

[HPSauce] Am I short?

[GingerKing] Hahaha

[TheBrains] You’re shorter than Ron

[HPSauce] Everyone is shorter than Ron

[TheBrains] Well there you go then

[HPSauce] You know that doesn’t answer my question

[TheBrains] Is this something to do with your absurd bet?

[HPSauce] No

[HPSauce] Maybe

[HPSauce] Am I too short though?

[TheBrains] Too short for what?

[TheBrains] Harry?


[13:47] Are you pouting?


[15:48] Which pocket?

[15:55] What?

[15:56] It’s nice that you want to carry me around all the time in your pocket to keep you company

[15:56] But I’m going to need to know which pocket you intend to use before I can commit

[15:57] Shirt (close to your heart, aw!) or Trouser (close to your...unspeakable, wink wink nudge nudge)

[15:58] Did you just refer to my cock as an unspeakable?

[15:59] What do you want me to call it?

[15:59] NOTHING

[16:00] *gasp* I’m sure it’s not nothing

[16:01] Been giving it some thought have you

[16:02] If I’m to spend my days adjacent to it I suppose I should become familiar

[16:03] Not too familiar, that could be...problematic

[16:04] I’m sure I could contain myself

[16:05] Could you?

[16:05] Because I can assure you it’s definitely not nothing ;-)

[16:06] Where’s that pesky Neville with the smelling salts…

[16:07] Neville is otherwise engaged

[16:08] What could he possibly be doing that is so important

[16:09] He’s choosing his apology plant

[16:11] His apology plant

[16:11] Because last night, right

[16:12] That’s adorable

[16:13] He is a bit, don’t tell him I said so or I’ll be buying him plants all the time

[16:14] Haha I won’t

[16:14] But I actually meant you

[16:28] Don’t get all weird on me now, I also still think you’re kind of an arsehole

[16:34] Thanks…?

[16:35] An adorable arsehole

[16:36] Well now you’re just making me blush

[16:36] Am I?

[16:37] No of course not

[16:38] Mhm

[16:38] So you live with Neville

[16:39] Live with?

[16:39] We share a room yes

[16:40] That’s cool you can live with your friend

[16:41] We’re not really frie MESSAGE DELETED

[16:41] I’m surprised he agreed to MESSAGE DELETED

[16:41] Yeah

[16:42] Neville’s okay

[16:43] I should go find him before he buys half the garden centre

[16:44] Good luck


[22:21] Goodnight

[22:27] Night xx

Chapter Text

What do you want from me? Why don’t you run from me?

What are you wondering? What do you know?

Why aren’t you scared of me? Why do you care for me?

- Billie Eilish


[07:53] SSPS InstantMessenger

N.Longbottom: Draco

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

N.Longbottom: What’s going on with you

ThisCharmingWanker: What do you mean

N.Longbottom: You made me a cup of tea this morning

ThisCharmingWanker: You like tea

N.Longbottom: Right

N.Longbottom: I’m sorry you got detention because of me

ThisCharmingWanker: I got detention because Toadbridge is a plant-hating sociopath on a power trip

N.Longbottom: Thank you for my tea

ThisCharmingWanker: You’re welcome

> ThisCharmingWanker changed N.Longbottom to BotanyProwess <

BotanyProwess: How are you doing this

BotanyProwess: Actually this one isn’t bad

ThisCharmingWanker: ;-)

> ThisCharmingWanker has logged out <

> BotanyProwess has logged out <


[11:17] This class isn’t going to go any faster if you keep checking your phone for the time


[11:19] Do you MESSAGE DELETED 

[11:20] I really MESSAGE DELETED

[11:21] What

[11:22] Nothing

[11:22] Just bored 


[13:02] Afternoon

[13:07] The owner of this phone has established he would never give me such a gratuitously cheerful and friendly greeting as ‘ afternoon

[13:08] I’m sure he’s not that bad

[13:09] The first thing he ever said to me was fuck off

[13:10] Because you woke him up, that’s just bad manners

[13:10] And it was kindly, kindly fuck off 

[13:10] The kindly is important 

[13:11] Is that what counts for manners at Slytherin Prep? 

[13:11] Also, good afternoon Sunshine!

[13:12] Sunshine? 

[13:12] Ugh

[13:12] Ah, there he is

[13:13] Your nicknames for me have so far been very unsatisfactory 

[13:14] Do you have any nicknames you do like? 

[13:15] Most people just use my surname 

[13:16] And do you like it? 

[13:17] The name or that people use it? 

[13:17] Both

[13:18] It’s fine 

[13:19] Not that it matters, because you won’t tell me what it is 

[13:20] Sort of defeats the purpose of the bet, no? 

[13:21] Right

[13:21] Yeah

[13:22] We should get back on that

[13:23] We should

[13:23] I suppose asking what you look like is too easy

[13:24] I am somewhat distinctive looking

[13:25] ‘Devilishly handsome’ some might say

[13:25] Some might say that

[13:26] You must have an idea of what I look like though

[13:27] Why would you think that?

[13:28] Toad-y receptionist has seen me, remember?

[13:29] Ah

[13:29] Well actually

[13:29] I appear to have fallen out of her good graces 

[13:30] But you’re so wonderful and charming! 

[13:30] What did you do?

[13:31] You assume it’s something I did and not that she’s just a horrible person incapable of basic human decency

[13:32] *sips tea and waits*

[13:32] Fine

[13:33] She had a problem with Neville

[13:33] Or, more specifically, Neville’s plant

[13:33] On our way back in last night she said it was against school rules and that he had to get rid of it

[13:34] Is it?

[13:35] No she was just being difficult

[13:35] She always does stuff like this on a fucking whim

[13:35] Anyway, I asked very politely to see where it was stated that plants of any variety were against the rules

[13:36] Unsurprisingly she refused 

[13:36] Things might have gotten a little out of hand after that

[13:37] Define out of hand

[13:38] She tried to snatch it away from Nev with her evil little claws but I got it away from her

[13:38] She started shouting and in all the commotion the headmaster arrived

[13:39] And that was that? Good prevails over evil once more?

[13:40] Well not quite

[13:40] Before I realised he was stood there I told her to hop back to her pond-lair 

[13:41] Oh no

[13:41] Oh yes

[13:42] Hahahahahaha

[13:43] Anyway, I ended up with a detention but at least Neville got to keep his plant

[13:43] Worth it then

[13:44] It was

[13:45] Is that where you were last night?

[13:46] No it’s tonight 

[13:47] Right

[13:47] I just wondered

[13:47] I mean

[13:47] You seemed a little off at the end there yesterday

[13:48] Not that I know what you’re like

[13:48] I just worried

[13:48] Wondered*

[13:49] Fucking hell

[13:49] Feel free to stop me at any time

[13:50] Please stop, you are very embarrassing 

[13:51] Thank you

[13:52] I actually have to go to a class now

[13:52] Okay

[13:53] I’m just letting you know

[13:53] Okay…?

[13:54] In case you worry again

[13:54] Fuck off

[13:55] Is that what passes for manners at Griffin these days? 

[13:56] Kindly* fuck off

[13:56] Haha

[13:57] Enjoy your class

[13:58] You don’t have one?

[13:59] Nope, free as a bird :D

[13:59] :-/


[16:03] I hope your afternoon has been more productive than mine

[16:03] ‘read chapter nine and have at it’ ffs

[16:17] Tuition fees well spent then

[16:18] Mhm

[16:19] I’ve been wondering what detention in boarding school actually consists of

[16:20] And

[16:21] So, you’re not exactly being ‘kept behind’ because...well, you already live there

[16:21] Also your school is really cool and gothic-y, but does that lend itself to old-school detentions? 

[16:22] Writing lines?

[16:22] “I must not be cheeky”

[16:23] “I must not be factual”

[16:24] Maybe it’ll be plant-based

[16:25] Punishment to fit the crime as it were

[16:26] Weeding the peace garden?

[16:27] We already have people who do that

[16:28] Your school is so fucking posh

[16:29] They’re actually called ‘landscape maintenance engineers’

[16:30] Wtf really

[16:31] Haha no

[16:32] The gardening club do it

[16:33] Gardening club

[16:34] Well it’s just Neville and some girl from Raven Tech

[16:35] So not really a club then 

[16:36] I don’t think it’s quite gained the momentum Neville had hoped for

[16:37] Btw I don’t think anyone in the history of Slytherin Prep has referred to it as ‘cool’

[16:38] What

[16:38] Are you joking

[16:39] No…?

[16:40] You yourself referred to it as “The Posh School for Stuck-Up Wankers”

[16:41] Ah

[16:42] Yes that was me

[16:43] What I meant was, the building itself is cool

[16:44] I can see the aesthetic and historical appeal but the wifi is patchy and the heating is really more of an abstract concept at this point than anything resembling actual warmth

[16:46] Well you can always pop over to mine for a snuggle

[16:46] Nice and warm over here :-) 

[16:47] And I can see your little text bubble going but just wait

[16:48] I wasn’t referring to the ‘aesthetic and historical appeal’ 

[16:49] What then

[16:50] Drumroll please!

[16:51] Just tell me you annoying prat

[16:51] My detention is about to start

[16:52] Is it

[16:52] Fuck this is even better

[16:53] *drumroll*

[16:54] *pause for dramatic effect*

[16:55] Did you know your school has secret hidden passages?

[16:56] What?

[16:57] At least three

[16:57] Where???

[16:58] Oh no, have to go, enjoy detention! 

[16:59] You are such a prick!!

[16:59] ;-)


[19:43] Where are they

[19:48] Oh hello

[19:48] How was detention?

[19:49] Tell me

[19:50] Why don’t you ask around, hm?

[19:51] I’m trying to avoi MESSAGE DELETED

[19:52] Because I’m asking you

[19:53] What’s in it for me if I tell you

[19:54] What

[19:54] How do I even know they’re bloody real

[19:55] I can prove it

[19:56] On the first floor is there a statue of a bloke who looks a bit pervy?

[19:57] Where on the first floor

[19:58] This school isn’t exactly small you know

[19:59] I don’t know

[19:59] All I was told was ‘first floor, statue of pervy bloke’

[20:00] Who told you this

[20:01] I can’t reveal my sources

[20:02] Hm

[20:03] I also don’t know exactly where that secret passage goes

[20:04] BUT I can tell you one of the others goes to Hogsmeade

[20:05] That can’t be real

[20:06] I have it on good authority that it is 

[20:07] Wait

[20:07] You’ve never actually seen these secret passages have you

[20:08] Well no

[20:09] So either someone is messing you about or you’re messing me about 

[20:10] I don’t have time for this 

[20:10] Detention was fucking shit and took up half my night

[20:11] Wait wait 

[20:12] What

[20:13] I’m honestly not messing you about 

[20:13] I know you might not believe me 

[20:14] But I heard about the secret passages over the summer and I didn’t have anyone to ask about it until now 

[20:15] That’s the truth 

[20:16] How do I know that’s the truth 

[20:17] You don’t

[20:17] But I hope you’ll trust me that it is

[20:19] Why

[20:20] I know you might not believe this either but I actually like talking to you 

[20:25] Are you still there 

[20:27] I’m still here

[20:28] I’m sorry your detention was shit

[20:29] Do you want to tell me about it? 

[20:30] Not really 

[20:31] Okay

[20:32] I’m sorry too

[20:33] What for?

[20:34] For overreacting I guess

[20:35] Nahh

[20:35] I get it

[20:35] I’d be suspicious too if the situation were reversed tbh

[20:36] Which I know isn’t helping my case for you to believe me about the secret passages 

[20:37] Why didn’t you just ask me about them earlier? 

[20:38] Haha

[20:38] Would you have believed me last week? 

[20:39] I don’t know if I believe you now so no probably not

[20:40] To be honest I thought it was bullshit too when I first heard it, so I just forgot about it 

[20:41] When we first started talking I was just trying to annoy you 

[20:42] I’m sure you didn’t need to try  

[20:43] Oi

[20:43] You weren’t exactly a delight to begin with either

[20:44] And now?

[20:45] You make me laugh

[20:45] I think we’re becoming friends

[20:45] Or something

[20:46] Or something

[20:47] Yeah, or something

[20:47] Anyway

[20:48] When you told me about Neville’s plant and the horrible receptionist I started thinking what if you could just sneak the plants in 

[20:49] I know you said they’re allowed but she obviously has an issue

[20:50] That’s when I remembered the story about the secret passages

[20:53] I suppose ‘pervy bloke statue’ is an oddly specific detail

[20:53] I might consider looking into it

[20:54] YES!!!

[20:55] I said MIGHT

[20:55] Don’t get your hopes up

[20:56] Okay okay okay

[20:57] You’re grinning right now aren’t you

[20:58] Little bit 

[20:59] And you call me adorable

[21:00] WHAT

[21:01] SHUSH 

[21:01] I’m going to bed now

[21:02] You can’t leave me like this

[21:02] And yet

[21:03] Ugh

[21:04] That’s my line

[21:05] I’m shattered

[21:06] Sweet dreams trouble x

[21:07] Good night

[21:10] x

Chapter Text

But my life is incomplete and I'm so blue

'Cause I can't get next to you

- The Temptations 



[10:21] Hermione is up to something

[10:24] She’s not doing anything

[10:25] She’s plotting

[10:27] She did her plotty face

[10:28] Her plotty face

[10:29] The one where she goes a bit spaced out, then frowns, then looks like she’s talking to herself

[10:32] Reckon it’s something to do with what McG was saying this morning?

[10:34] What was she saying?

[10:36] I don’t know I was busy finishing homework 

[10:36] I thought you’d be able to tell me 

[10:38] Apparently not mate

[10:40] Bit distracted?

[10:41] What do you mean?

[10:42] You’ve been looking at your phone all morning

[10:43] I haven’t 

[10:44] Mate  

[10:45] Don’t look at me like that

[10:45] I’m on it now because I’m texting YOU

[10:46] No need to get annoyed 

[10:46] I just assumed it was for the bet or something 

[10:48] It’s the bet

[10:49] How’s it going?

[10:50] It’s good

[10:51] Are you any closer to finding out who he is? 

[10:52] Not really :-/

[10:53] How? 

[10:53] Weren’t you on the phone to him all day yesterday? 

[10:54] What no

[10:54] I wasn’t 

[10:55] Ok

[10:55] But haven’t you been doing that 20 questions thing? 

[10:56] Yeah

[10:56] Well we try to

[10:57] We always end up just talking about other stuff

[10:58] Like what

[10:59] Just stuff 

[10:59] I don’t know

[11:00] It’s hard to explain 

[11:02] Right well you can be the one to explain to Hooch why you’re wearing green on Saturday 

[11:03] Which I feel I should point out might be very confusing to everyone what with you being our star striker and all

[11:04] 1. We didn’t specify what we actually had to wear, well he didn’t anyway 

[11:04] 2. He’s no closer to figuring out who I am either 

[11:05] 1. He’s a Slytherin, so I get the feeling it wouldn’t be anything subtle

[11:05] 2. You sure about that

[11:06] Yeah 

[11:06] Ok

[11:06] I am

[11:07] Ok

[11:08] I’ll ask more questions

[11:09] If only to make Saturday less confusing, is all I’m saying


[12:17] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains: LADS - meet me in the library! I’ve got great news! 

GingerKing: @HPSauce what did I say

HPSauce: Fine

TheBrains: What

GingerKing: Nothing

HPSauce: Nothing


[12:47] 1. Re: The Parameters of The Bet - what would I have to wear if I lost?

[12:47] 2. What are you actually going to do at uni?

[12:47] 3. Can you describe any physical feature of yourself?

[12:47] 4. Do you play any sport?

[12:58] 5. Do you think we might already know each other?


[13:02] Is this an interrogation?

[13:17] I’m guessing you’re in a class now, but I’m bored so I’ll play

[13:20] 1. Are you giving me freedom to choose whatever I want? Dangerous

[13:20] 2. Law and Economics

[13:20] 3. Why yes, yes I can ;-)

[13:20] 4. Is this a sly attempt to find out if I have an athletic body? 

[13:20] 5. Curious about that deleted message

[13:56] 1. Within reason, socks? 

[13:56] 2. Really?

[13:56] 3. Are you being difficult on purpose or does it come naturally to you

[13:56] 4. That’s not what I was thinking about it and you know it

[13:56] 5. It was nothing

[14:03] 1. Not socks, no one would see them 

[14:03] 2. Yes really…?

[14:03] 3. Perhaps if you specified a particular body part I might be able to describe it to you

[14:03] 4. Are you thinking about it now

[14:03] 5. Tell me

[14:58] 1. What then

[14:58] 2. Thought it’d be something in science or engineering with what you’re doing now

[14:58] 3. Eyes

[14:58] 4. I am a gentleman 

[14:58] 5. It's not important 

[15:03] 1. TBD 

[15:03] 2. Law is a very adaptable career path, it can open a lot of doors, especially in politics 

[15:03] 3. Blue/grey, depends what I’m wearing

[15:03] 4. You most certainly are not. “Come over and snuggle” wink wink nudge nudge

[15:03] 5. Tell me

[15:09] 1. Should I be worried?

[15:09] 2. Is that the first line of your uni application?

[15:09] 3. :-)

[15:09] 4. Invitation still stands

[15:10] 5. Do you think we might already know each other? 

[15:17] I suppose it’s possible

[15:20] Oh hey

[15:21] Hey yourself

[15:21] I don’t want to play your game anymore

[15:22] Me either

[15:22] Felt weird

[15:23] Prefer talking to you like this

[15:24] So do I

[15:25] I actually have some bad news though

[15:26] What

[15:27] No statue

[15:28] Oh my god you looked!

[15:29] I did :-)

[15:30] I am grinning a lot right now

[15:30] But no statue, damn it

[15:31] Actually I had an idea about that

[15:32] What??

[15:33] Don’t get too excited

[15:34] I’m cool, I’m cool

[15:34] As a cucumber

[15:35] You’re so weird

[15:36] Eh you still like me

[15:37] You are tolerable

[15:38] Mhm

[15:38] Stop deflecting and tell me your idea

[15:39] What if the statue was just moved? Or gotten rid of? 

[15:39] If I can find out where the statue used to be, we can find the secret passage

[15:40] ‘we’?

[15:41] Alright, I can find the secret passage

[15:42] You said we!

[15:42] We have a secret mystery adventure

[15:42] This is brilliant

[15:43] It’s still a long shot

[15:44] I feel good about it

[15:45] How badly do you want to come over right now and help me figure this out

[15:46] Just say the word trouble ;-)

[15:47] I’d have to sneak you in, but we’d need a secret passage for that

[15:48] Damn, and my invisibility cloak is still at the dry cleaners 

[15:49] There’s so much keeping us apart

[15:50] My life is incomplete and I'm so blue, 'cause I can't get next to you

[15:52] What

[15:53] The Temptations?

[15:54] I’ll add it to your playlist ;-)

[15:55] I have to go

[16:55] My friend is outside my house with a Puddifoot’s bakery box 

[15:56] You’re leaving me for baked goods

[15:57] Puddifoot’s baked goods

[15:57] Fair enough


[18:06] What did I say

[18:07] You said Hermione was up to something

[18:08] And what was she

[18:09] Up to something

[18:10] What did she get you with

[18:11] Cheese scones, you?

[18:11] Treacle tart

[18:12] We’re so weak



[15:11] Group Chat: Golden Trio

HPSauce: This guy is weird

GingerKing: Don’t make shit up to get out of this

HPSauce: I’m not

HPSauce: He’s looking at me weird

TheBrains: Is he?

HPSauce: Well he wasn’t just THEN but he definitely was before

HPSauce: He keeps frowning

HPSauce: Or scowling

HPSauce: Both?

TheBrains: I think he’s just reading Harry


HPSauce: I can’t believe you’re not seeing this!

GingerKing: Maybe he needs glasses?

GingerKing: Maybe he’s wondering where you got yours from

TheBrains: Because they’re so fashionable

GingerKing: XD

HPSauce: Fuck Off


[15:29] I think this new teacher doesn’t like me

[15:29] Btw we have a new teacher 

[15:35] Hmm, could it be because you’re on your phone during their lesson? 

[15:36] I’m being careful

[15:36] And it’s not even a proper lesson, it’s a study group thing

[15:37] I was bribed into it

[15:38] How

[15:39] Treacle tart

[15:39] Also you’re on your phone too

[15:40] I’m not in class anymore ;-)

[15:41] Keep me company then you smug arsehole

[15:42] Well when you put it like that, how can I possibly say no…?

[15:41] I need an outsiders opinion: he keeps sort of scowl-frowning at me

[15:43] My god, a scowl-frown?! He’s obviously plotting your demise! I urge you to flee post-haste!

[15:44] I fear it is too late, you must hide me from his murderous clutches

[15:45] In enemy territory? 

[15:46] Any port in a storm

[15:47] I’ll have to check with Neville

[15:47] Neville says no

[15:48] I don’t believe you

[15:49] He’s more cutthroat than people think

[15:50] Neville the secret badass

[15:53] Is your teacher still scowl-frowning at you?

[15:54] Yeah

[15:54] Do it back at him

[15:55] Okay

[16:01] What the hell

[16:01] He fucking laughed

[16:02] Really??

[16:03] Well he sort of snorted but I could see him trying not to laugh

[16:04] Huh

[16:04] What

[16:05] Thought you’d get in trouble tbh

[16:06] You gave me advice thinking it would get me in trouble

[16:07] You sneaky fucker

[16:08] I was bored

[16:09] How much trouble would you have actually gotten into if it’s just a study group?

[16:10] Not the point

[16:11] You’re fine, stop pouting

[16:12] Everyone is against me today

[16:13] So dramatic


[21:12] Are you still pouting?

[21:13] I was not pouting

[21:15] Maybe a little

[21:16] Haha

[21:17] He WAS being weird though, it’s bugging me

[21:18] Did anyone else see?

[21:19] Well no

[21:19] My friends think I’m being paranoid

[21:20] When is your next session?

[21:21] Monday, why?

[21:22] You should get an impartial third party to observe his behaviour

[21:23] Hm, that’s actually pretty helpful

[21:23] Thanks

[21:24] No problem

[21:25] I still can’t believe you tried to get me in trouble

[21:25] My godfather was slightly impressed 

[21:26] You told your godfather a stranger you text tried to get you in trouble and he was impressed

[21:27] Well I didn’t use those exact words

[21:27] And you’re not really a stranger anymore

[21:28] Again, you don’t even know my name

[21:29] Again, you can rectify this

[21:30] I want to but MESSAGE DELETED

[21:30] Why was he impressed

[21:31] Said it was my own fault for being so gullible and that I should start thinking about my counter-attack

[21:32] Counter-attack?

[21:33] Apparently he was quite the prankster in his school days

[21:33] Even our headmistress remembers him 


[21:36] Should I be worried?

[21:41] You’ve gone suspiciously quiet

[21:44] Sorry

[21:44] Just tired

[21:44] Think I might head to bed actually

[21:45] Alright

[21:47] You okay?

[21:48] Yeah of course :-)

[21:48] Goodnight trouble x

[21:49] Night x

Chapter Text

And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be

Right in front of me

Talk some sense to me

- Amber Run


[09:08] Status Update: Am possibly being slowly driven to my demise by The disparity between actual growth rates and long-term trends in growth rates

[09:10] Hah, good class is it? 

[09:11] No. Bored. 

[09:11] Entertain me.

[09:12] You’re so demanding

[09:13] Yes get used to it 

[09:14] I’m in bed

[09:15] So entertain me from your bed 

[09:16] Leave your class and I’ll entertain you *in* my bed

[09:16] What

[09:17] That came out way more sexual than I think I intended

[09:18] You ‘think’ you intended? 

[09:19] I was going to follow up that I had a nice snuggly blanket and that we could watch old Bake Off episodes

[09:19] Which is literally what I am doing

[09:19] But that line just popped in my head 

[09:20] And now I can’t stop reading it back 

[09:20] Fuuucking hell 


[09:20] Group Chat: Golden Trio

HPSauce: -screenshot sent-

TheBrains: What the fuck Harry

GingerKing: Mate



TheBrains: Do we need to confiscate your phone?

GingerKing: Again?

HPSauce: Jfc probably


[09:45] I am embarrassed

[09:45] (Feel like I should correct that to *ing)

[09:46] Don’t be, I’m fairly certain I started it

[09:47] The difference being you’re some kind of flirty banter wizard and I just come across as a bloody deviant 

[09:48] Sometimes people like that sort of thing 

[09:49] Do you???

[09:50] I’m not opposed to it on occasion

[09:50] Thought not when I can’t do anything about it 

[09:51] Flirty Banter Wizard - 1; Undesirable No. 1 - 0

[09:51] Hahaha


[09:52] Group Chat: Golden Trio

HPSauce: It’s fine I think he just found it funny 

GingerKing: Well that’s a load off our minds

HPSauce: Ha fucking ha

TheBrains: Sticks tonight? Hannah said she might stop by

GingerKing: I’m in 

GingerKing: God I hope she does her GoT impressions again

HPSauce: Highlight of the unity dinner 

GingerKing: Really? Not meeting your mystery man? 

HPSauce: He’s not my mystery man

HPSauce: He’s not MY anything

TheBrains: Your gratuitous flirting says otherwise

GingerKing: Haha

HPSauce: That was not flirting, it just came out wrong

HPSauce: I meant to say the other thing 

HPSauce: About the snuggling and watching bake off 

HPSauce: Which yes looks like flirting but isn’t 

HPSauce: We have this inside joke about snuggling

GingerKing: You have an inside joke about snuggling

TheBrains: Is that a euphemism?

GingerKing: XD


TheBrains: Oh Harry, you sweet summer child

HPSauce: So pub? 

TheBrains: What time shall we meet there?

HPSauce: I can drive us

GingerKing: Mate!

HPSauce: I need a good night’s sleep if we’re going to win tomorrow

TheBrains: That is very sensible of you Harry

GingerKing: Shush don’t encourage him

HPSauce: Do you really want to lose to SlyPrep because of a few beers?

GingerKing: Pick us up at 7:30?

GingerKing: @TheBrains Please try not to steal any more plants

TheBrains: Fuck off


[18:57] I do not have a clue who you are

[18:57] Do I need to get my red jumper out for tomorrow?

[19:01] No :-\

[19:01] I don’t know who you are either

[19:02] We could extend the deadline 

[19:03] Sure

[19:04] Christmas?

[19:05] Haha if you like

[19:05] Punishment?

[19:06] Anything you want

[19:07] You really shouldn’t say things like that to me

[19:08] I’ll take my chances


[21:23] I really want to know who you are

[21:24] Then you’ll have to work for it won’t you

[21:25] You’re infuriating

[21:26] Where are you?

[21:26] Pub

[21:27] Vague

[21:28] ;-)

[21:29] Having fun?

[21:30] Yeah

[21:31] You sure…?

[21:31] Yeah…?

[21:32] Then why are you messaging me

[21:35] Maybe I just like messaging you

[21:35] Doesn’t mean I’m not also having fun

[21:36] Mhm

[21:37] What are you doing?

[21:38] Watching old Bake Off episodes

[21:39] Hahaha really

[21:40] You got me in the mood for it

[21:41] You don’t say ;-) 

[21:42] Christ

[21:42] You know what I mean

[21:43] Which season? 

[21:44] 1 obviously

[21:45] Obviously?

[21:46] Well I’ve never seen it before I assumed I had to start at the beginning

[21:47] What

[21:47] You’ve never watched The Great British Bake Off

[21:48] Well now I have

[21:48] For a television programme about cakes it’s very compelling 

[21:50] You’re so adorable 

[21:51] Fuck off

[21:52] Hahaha

[21:53] Would you not prefer to direct that delightful charm at someone a bit more available, say, in the actual pub?

[21:54] Apparently not 

[21:54] I’ll be driving them all home soon anyway they’re just finishing up

[21:55] You don’t drink?

[21:56] I do a little, didn’t feel like it tonight

[21:57] So no one caught your eye? 

[21:58] Well I don’t fuck my friends so no? 

[21:59] Jfc I was just teasing you because you were messaging me a lot 

[22:00] Right 

[22:00] Sorry

[22:17] So you just fuck your enemies then

[22:31] Those are my only options? Friends or enemies? That’s limiting 

[22:32] Self-limiting

[22:32] In my experience it’s very friend-or-foe with you Griffin lot

[22:33] You might actually have a point

[22:34] Intriguing 

[22:41] Really? You’re just going to leave me dangling at the first interesting thing you say? 

[22:42] Haha I was getting ready for bed 

[22:42] And I know that’s not the first interesting thing I’ve said otherwise you wouldn’t still be messaging me 

[22:43] You have been mildly entertaining so far

[22:44] Mildly 

[22:45] It could be bumped up depending on what you say next 

[22:47] Well

[22:47] There was someone

[22:48] Mhm

[22:49] To say we didn’t get along is an understatement 

[22:50] So you two…?

[22:51] Sadly no

[22:51] Sadly on my part anyway 

[22:51] I don’t know why I’m telling you this

[22:52] Safety in anonymity?

[22:53] Hah maybe 

[22:54] You can talk to me about it if you want

[22:54] I won’t laugh or judge, if that’s what you’re worried about

[22:54] On my honour

[22:55] YOUR honour?

[22:56] I’m very honourable ;-)

[22:57] Your winking emoticon implies otherwise

[23:01] Fuck it 

[23:01] It was very much a one-sided thing

[23:01] Barely even a thing really

[23:02] He just always really got under my skin you know? Everything he said and did just got to me, we would fight and argue whenever we saw each other

[23:02] That part definitely wasn’t one sided, we were pretty horrible to each other for years 

[23:03] Years? You must have known him for a long time?

[23:04] Since we were 11

[23:04] Prick probably doesn’t even remember

[23:05] So what changed?

[23:06] You promise you won’t laugh

[23:06] Cross my heart

[23:07] It’s really fucking stupid

[23:08] I really fucking promise I won’t laugh

[23:09] We were alone, once. He was all sweaty and dishevelled, and I’m sure at the time I said something really clever and biting but instead of saying anything back he just...smirked at me. It was honestly the sexiest, filthiest look I’d ever seen and because it was HIM and he was looking at ME like that I just froze

[23:10] Suddenly his hair didn’t look so dishevelled anymore but like he’d been fucked stupid 

[23:10] All I could think about in that moment was kissing him

[23:11] And Other Things

[23:11] This person, who I thought I hated, who hated me

[23:12] Fucking hell

[23:12] Yeah

[23:13] So what happened next

[23:14] Well this is the ‘really fucking stupid’ part

[23:15] Okay

[23:16] It didn’t mean anything

[23:16] He was the same with me as he always was, like it had never happened, because it didn’t, I’d just completely misread it 

[23:17] The Look

[23:18] Fuck he was probably just thinking about his dinner or something 

[23:18] All the while I’m thinking about just dropping to my knees and sucking him off there and then

[23:19] Ah, Other ThingsTM

[23:20] It gets worse

[23:21] How??

[23:22] None of those physical feelings went away

[23:22] For me it was like that moment unlocked something in my brain 

[23:23] I wanted him so fucking much

[23:24] Not just Physical Things?

[23:25] You said you wouldn’t laugh

[23:26] I’m really not laughing 

[23:27] Not that I could stop you 

[23:28] But no

[23:28] Not just physical things

[23:29] Fucking hell I need to shut up

[23:29] I’m really not usually this sad and embarrassing

[23:30] Can I ask something?

[23:31] Fine

[23:32] Do you still hate him

[23:33] No

[23:33] Maybe a tiny bit? 

[23:33] He’s still a tosser, can’t change that

[23:34] Hate is too strong, even if he hates me

[23:35] It’s definitely not like it was 

[23:36] I can’t believe I’ve told you all this, you’re too easy to talk to 

[23:37] It’s just the safety in anonymity 

[23:38] Maybe 

[23:38] Maybe it’s you 

[23:39] Well I am pretty wonderful

[23:40] Yeah

[23:40] Glad you agree haha

[23:41] Oh shut up I just meant I like talking to you 

[23:42] So you’ve said

[23:43] You like talking to me too 

[23:44] Is that right? 

[23:45] Fraid so mate ;-)

[23:46] Maybe I’m just playing the long game to see you in Slytherin green 

[23:47] That’s quite the long game trouble 

[23:47] I’m getting sleepy

[23:48] Talk tomorrow? 

[23:49] Yeah

[23:50] Goodnight trouble xx

[23:51] Night x

[23:54] I like talking to you too

[23:55] Knew it

[23:56] Fuck off 

[23:56] x

[23:57] x

Chapter Text

Think I'd like to stay a minute longer

Would you like to stay a minute longer?

If you'd like I'd stay for a minute longer

- Stereophonics




[08:43] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains: Good luck today lads! See you after! Xx

HPSauce: Thanks! 

GingerKing: Thanks :-) 


[8:45] SSPS InstantMessenger

BotanyProwess: What are you doing

ThisCharmingWanker: Nothing

BotanyProwess: You said you would come to the match

ThisCharmingWanker: I made no such promise

BotanyProwess: Yes you did

BotanyProwess: You said “Neville, I promise I will come to the match on Saturday, if only to bear witness to the utter humiliation of our enemies”

ThisCharmingWanker: I said no such thing

BotanyProwess: -screenshot sent-

ThisCharmingWanker: Can’t I just buy you another plant

BotanyProwess: Just come to the first half 

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville, there is nothing in the world that would make me want to leave the confines of my very warm and comfortable bed to sit on a plastic chair on a freezing cold Saturday morning 

BotanyProwess: I got you an apple strudel

ThisCharmingWanker: You’ve become very annoying since you grew into your face

BotanyProwess: See you in a bit


[10:47] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains: Good game? 

TheBrains: I think? 

GingerKing: I can’t believe you brought a book to the match

TheBrains: I can’t believe you think I wouldn’t 

TheBrains: @HPSauce by the way Luna’s friend fancies you 

HPSauce: What? 

TheBrains: Sorry I’m freezing and I couldn’t be bothered to beat around the bush 

GingerKing: The one that you two were sat with today? 

TheBrains: Yes. Michael, 17. Goes to Raven Tech, likes historical fiction, Thai food and true crime podcasts 

HPSauce: Is this a set up? 

TheBrains: I’ve invited them for lunch with us, whatever happens next is up to you 

HPSauce: Fine 

TheBrains: Now hurry up I’m freezing 

GingerKing: I still can’t believe you brought a book

TheBrains: Oh shut up

TheBrains: At least you won your boring game


[13:22] I need to say something

[13:23] I wanted to say this earlier when we were together but then I thought just leave it because you seemed happy we’d won and I didn’t want to put a downer on lunch because we were all having a laugh but the more I think about it the more it’s annoying me 

[13:24] It’s alright I think I already know what you’re going to say mate so just say it

[13:25] What do you think I’m going to say?

[13:26] It was shit without Malfoy today

[13:27] It was really fucking shit without Malfoy today!

[13:27] I actually thought you’d give me grief about this 

[13:28] Nah

[13:28] I sort of agree with you

[13:29] Really??

[13:30] I was sooo bored!

[13:30] I almost wanted to let a goal in out of pity to be honest

[13:30] Why did they replace Malfoy with that dickhead?

[13:31] Harper

[13:32] I don’t actually WANT to know his name

[13:32] He was FUCKING RUBBISH 

[13:33] Do you know at one point I walked over to pick up the ball? That he had kicked? Do you reckon he thought we were on the same team? 

[13:33] At least Malfoy gave me something to do even if he was a massive tosser 

[13:34] Do you know why he’s not on the team this year?

[13:35] No

[13:35] He didn’t look too happy to be watching 

[13:36] He was there???

[13:36] That’s shit, I could not watch my replacement fuck everything up

[13:37] Probably why he fucked off at half time with his stupid handsome boyfriend

[13:38] Malfoy’s got a boyfriend? 

[13:39] So it would seem

[13:39] Tall, rugged, very unfairly attractive

[13:39] Saw them sneak out  

[13:39] Being all tall and attractive together

[13:40] Harry

[13:40] I know

[13:41] Jfc I know

[13:41] I’m over it, I am

[13:42] And yes, I know there’s no “it” to be over 

[13:43] But

[13:44] But I can’t help that he’s still really bloody fit, okay? I still sort of hate him anyway but I was talking about him yesterday so I think he was on my mind and I just wasn’t prepared to see him

[13:45] Jesus even when he’s not actually doing anything he’s still doing my head in 

[13:45] Prick

[13:46] Wanker

[13:46] That too

[13:46] I’m sorry mate

[13:47] Wait who were you talking about him to?

[13:48] Just that guy from the phone thing

[13:49] What??

[13:49] What if he knows Malfoy? And tells him?

[13:50] It’s fine I didn’t say Malfoy’s name or that he even went to SlyPrep

[13:50] I was purposefully very vague on the details 

[13:51] How did something like that even come up?

[13:52] He was taking the piss out of me not meeting anyone at the pub and it all just kind of came out

[13:53] What do you mean not meeting anyone?

[13:54] Just that I was messaging him a lot and didn’t I fancy anyone there?

[13:55] Sounds like he’s into you mate

[13:56] God please don’t start with the flirting thing again

[13:56] I’m so mortified 

[13:57] He carried on messaging you though

[13:57] Despite the fact that you’re an embarrassing moron

[13:58] Thank you for that

[13:59] Are you into him?

[14:00] No of course not

[14:01] Okay

[14:02] I mean he’s kind of an arsehole

[14:03] And you say you haven’t got a type

[14:03] I don’t

[14:04] Malfoy was an arsehole

[14:05] Malfoy was just an error in judgement 

[14:05] And not likeable at all 

[14:06] So this guy is likeable?

[14:07] A bit?

[14:07] He’s quite funny in a sarcastic sort of way and he’s really easy to talk to, he said he’d help me find the secret passages 

[14:08] I bet he will ;-)


[14:09] Well how often do you talk to him?

[14:12] Harry

[14:13] Every day?

[14:14] Hm interesting 

[14:15] It’s just fun, we’re friends 

[14:16] WE’RE friends 

[14:16] You’ve never invited me over to snuggle 

[14:17] Because you only want to snuggle with Hermione 

[14:18] Are you going to tell him about your date?

[14:19] Nice deflection 

[14:19] No why would I? 

[14:20] Might be a good test to see if he’s into you or not 

[14:21] Hang on 


[14:21] I have a date tonight

[14:23] Okay? 

[14:23] Have fun


[14:25] -screenshot sent-

[14:25] Not into me

[14:26] We’ll see

[14:27] Hey Ron

[14:28] What

[14:29] Do you want to come over and snuggle? 


[19:11] Do you think it’s weird we message each other every day? 

[19:13] Hello to you too

[19:14] Hi :-)

[19:15] Do you think it’s weird?

[19:16] No?

[19:17] You’re not sure?

[19:17] Okay great I’ll just sit here and wait for you to decide then

[19:18] I honestly hadn’t thought about it until today

[19:18] My friend asked how often we message each other

[19:19] There is a chance I might be overthinking this

[19:20] You talk to your friends about me?

[19:21] You might have earned a casual mention today

[19:22] I’m honoured

[19:22] What happened to your date?

[19:23] Waiting for him to arrive 

[19:23] What are you doing? 

[19:24] I’m doing the extended project qualification so I’m in the library

[19:25] Nerrrd 

[19:26] I refuse to take criticism from a person who is rude enough to ignore their date in favour of texting a stranger 

[19:27] He’s not here yet

[19:27] And I’m just teasing you ;-) 

[19:27] Also we’re not strangers 

[19:28] We’re not?

[19:29] No we’re not 

[19:29] Tell me about your project 

[19:30] Why? 

[19:31] I’m interested 

[19:32] It’s about time travel

[19:33] Wh

[19:34] ?

[19:45] I’m assuming your date arrived

[19:57] What about time travel? 

[19:58] What are you doing 

[19:59] Asking you about time travel? 

[19:59] Don’t be a dick get back to your date

[20:00] He’s in the loo

[20:01] Whether or not time travel is theoretically possible 

[20:02] Is it? 

[20:03] I’ll let you know

[20:03] See that you do

[20:04] Stop distracting me

[20:04] Stop replying then ;-)


[22:27] Are you still in the library?

[22:28] Are you still on your date?

[22:29] Just got home

[22:30] Yes I’m still here

[22:31] You should stop, it’s Saturday

[22:31] Maybe

[22:32] You should take a break and maybe I could call you?

[22:33] What

[22:34] You called me last weekend, it could be our Saturday thing

[22:35] That was different

[22:36] Different Shmifferent

[22:37] Shmifferent?

[22:38] Haha I don’t know I’m pretty tired

[22:38] I feel like we haven’t talked much today and I’m too tired to text 

[22:39] Just go to sl MESSAGE DELETED

[22:41] Okay

[Calling Trouble] 


“Fair warning: I may randomly fall asleep.”

“Oh how wonderful for me.”

“Your voice is…”


“Your voice wasn’t as...low and whispery last weekend.”

“I’m trying to keep my voice down because I’m still in the library.”

“Oh yeah, unravelling the mysteries of time! I’ve been thinking about it and I think we should use the time travel to go and see all of the bands, what do you...are you laughing at me?”

“...yes, you’re ridiculous.”

“Hm, you have a nice laugh.”

“ was your date?”

“...’s fine, he was nice, we’ll see. I’m quite glad to be home though, ‘s been a really long day...”

“You should go to sleep then.”

“In a minute.”

“Are you in bed?”

“Yep, all snuggly in my pyjamas, you should come to bed too.”


“Oh my god, GO to bed, I meant GO to bed...and now you’re laughing again, brilliant.”

“I might go to bed actually, I think I’ve read the same paragraph about gravity wells about three times now.”

“You should, I’ll wait.”

“On the phone?”




“Walking back to my room now...are you yawning?”

“Nooo, shut up. Tell me about your pyjamas.”

“My pyjamas?”

“I just wondered really...posh school, posh pyjamas, are they silk? Do you wear a nightgown? And a hat like Ebeneezer Scrooge?”

“No I don’t wear a fucking hat.”

“Ooh you swore!”

“I swear all the time when I text you.”

“I know but in your posh gravelly night time voice it sounds…”


“Nope, I can’t say it, I actually want you to carry on talking to me and not think I’m a sad, embarrassing idiot.”

“I’m afraid that ship has sailed. You are a sad, embarrassing idiot who must be mocked constantly.”

“...’s not very nice…”

“I never said I was nice.”

“...are, secretly adorable…'m onto you trouble...”

“Right. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you but my pyjamas are very not-posh at all, just joggers and a t-shirt.”


“You’re falling asleep, I should go...”

“...not yet, just stay a minute...”

“I can hear you yawning.”

“...’m not you are.”

“Are you really arguing with me? About yawning?”

“S’what if I am?”

“Go to sleep idiot.”

“Make me.”

“Make you?”

“Mhm...what would you do if you were here?”

“Christ, don’t ask me that…”

“ Why not?”

“You should really go to sleep.”

“I will...f’you will...” 

“Is everything a competition with you?”

“...mhmm, yeah...think so…”

“You’re so…”


“Are you asleep?”


“I really hope you’re asleep.”




“...good night Harry.”

[Call disconnected]

Chapter Text

Why d'ya have to be so cute?

It's impossible to ignore you

Must you make me laugh so much?

It's bad enough we get along so well

  • Imogen Heap (Goodnight and Go)



[08:27] Hi Harry, it’s Michael. I had a good time last night, hope you did too! Hogsmeade Picture House is showing the final cut of Blade Runner on Friday if you’d like to go? 

[08:28] With me, just in case that wasn’t clear 

[08:28] God I’m crap at this 

[08:31] Haha you’re not at all

[08:31] And yeah that sounds fun 

[08:33] Great! Looking forward to it :-) 


[08:33] Potter MESSAGE DELETED

[08:34] It’s Malfoy MESSAGE DELETED

[08:35] This is Draco Malfoy MESSAGE DELETED

[08:36] Hi Harry! Malfoy here! MESSAGE DELETED

[08:37] Potter MESSAGE DELETED 

[08:38] Dear Mr HJ Potter, it has recently come to my attention that we have been corresponding MESSAGE DELETED 

[08:39] You and me MESSAGE DELETED

[08:39] You and I MESSAGE DELETED 

[08:40] This is a fucking disaster MESSAGE DELETED

[08:40] I can see you typing by the way

[08:41] I need to tell you MESSAGE DELETED

[08:41] I want to tell you MESSAGE DELETED

[08:44] I just wanted to say thank you for last night

[08:44] Getting me to leave the library I mean

[08:45] I think I would have stayed there all night if you hadn’t pushed me to leave

[08:46] Anytime :-)

[08:47] You’re awake early 

[08:47] Suspiciously early

[08:47] Are you up to something?

[08:48] No nefarious plans today

[08:49] Haha ‘today’

[08:50] I’m just out for a run

[08:50] - IMAGE -


[08:51] You’re in the Forbidden Forest? By yourself?!

[08:51] Thought I’d chance it

[08:52] You’re no stranger to danger I see

[08:52] Well you’re only a phone call away if I end up in some sort of mortal peril

[08:53] Hm not sure how much help I’ll be this morning actually

[08:53] My duvet is very snuggly

[08:53] A snuggly cocoon of snuggliness

[08:54] I can’t believe you’re abandoning me to the forbidden forest you lazy shit

[08:54] Some knight in shining armour you are

[08:55] To be fair it looks much less foreboding during the day

[08:55] I’m sure you can handle yourself 

[08:56] Hardly the point

[08:57] Shall I come down there now then?

[08:57] I can be there in less than four minutes if you say pleeease ;-)

[08:58] I think not

[08:58] You had your chance

[08:59] Say it ain’t so Trouble

[09:05] Oh I see what you’re doing

[09:09] Fine

[09:09] I’m putting my trainers on, prepare for your arse to be rescued

[09:10] Stop thinking about my arse ;-)

[09:11] Hahaha

[09:11] You’re a bloody menace 

[09:12] Me? You say that like you weren’t the one inviting me to ‘come to bed’ last night

[09:13] Slip of the tongue!

[09:14] I think you should keep your tongue to yourself

[09:14] I’ll try to contain myself 

[09:15] ‘Try’ 

[09:15] :p

[09:16] Thinking about it, I owe you a thanks as well

[09:16] What for? 

[09:17] For Friday. Letting me ramble on about my pathetic romance problems

[09:17] Well, sad unrequited crush anyway

[09:18] I think talking to someone totally objective helped me realise I needed to move on

[09:19] It did?

[09:20] Well yeah. No point in pining if he still hates me is there? Besides I think he’s seeing someone

[09:21] Why do you think that

[09:22] Saw him yesterday with someone, seemed like they could be together 

[09:22] Not going to lie it was a tiny bit shit

[09:22] Especially when I smiled at him like a bloody bellend

[09:23] What did he do?

[09:24] Nothing. Glared at me as per usual. Was probably thinking ‘what a bellend’

[09:24] Hahaha I’m sure he wasn’t

[09:25] Oi don’t defend him, you’re supposed to be on my side

[09:26] Very well. But how are you so sure that’s what he was thinking?

[09:27] Believe me I’ve looked at his stupid handsome face enough over the years to figure him out, he’s not that bloody mysterious

[09:28] You said something about moving on…?

[09:29] I did say that and yes I have. Friend of a friend asked me out yesterday, hence the date. Not my usual type but maybe that’s a good thing? 

[09:30] Is that a rhetorical question?

[09:31] I don’t know. Do you have a type?

[09:31] We’re not talking about me

[09:32] Haha that’s a yes then ;-)

[09:32] Tell me what your type is

[09:33] No

[09:34] Hmmm fine, but I’ll remember this

[09:35] I’ve no doubt about that

[09:35] You’re relentlessly annoying 

[09:36] Woah, dial down that charm Trouble ;-) or I might start to think you actually like me

[09:34] Hm can’t have that 

[09:35] Are you still in the Forbidden Forest?

[09:36] I am now no longer in the completely-safe-small-patch-of-woodland-area

[09:37] You mock all you want but I’ll have you know there’s a dark and evil presence in there that feeds off the blood of the innocent

[09:37] Which I suppose lets you off the hook now that I think about it

[09:38] Carry on!

[09:39] I am a paragon of virtue

[09:40] Hahahahahaha fuck off

[09:41] First of all, you’re a Slytherin - not sure a single bloody one of you could ever be described as ‘innocent’

[09:41] Except maybe your friend Neville

[09:42] From what you’ve said about him anyway

[09:45] Hello…?

[09:47] Hey look I didn’t mean to offend you...

[09:48] You didn’t 

[09:48] Sorry 

[09:48] Just got back to my room

[09:49] Ok

[09:50] You might need to revise your opinion of Neville

[09:51] I thought he was asleep last night when I got back from the library and when I left this morning but there is still the same Neville-shaped lump in his bed

[09:52] Which has turned out to be a pile of clothes

[09:53] Oh my god

[09:53] I can’t believe you fell for that XD

[09:53] I thought you were supposed to be clever

[09:54] Where the fuck is Neville?

[09:55] How would I know?

[09:56] Why would he do this?

[09:57] To sneak out?

[09:57] Obviously

[09:58] Yes obviously I know that 

[09:58] But why? How?

[09:59] Clandestine plant parties? 

[09:59] He’s your mate you tell me

[10:02] We’re both idiots

[10:02] You and Neville?

[10:03] You and ME you idiot

[10:04] I’m not the one who fell for the old fake-body-under-the-duvet trick

[10:05] Not that

[10:05] If we want to leave the school premises we have to sign in/out with Toadbridge

[10:06] Who?

[10:06] Horrible receptionist

[10:07] So…?

[10:08] So even if he snuck out of our room, how did he get past her?

[10:08] ???

[10:09] Oh my god we’re idiots

[10:09] Secret passages!


[10:10] Our secret mystery adventure is back on!!!

[10:11] It’s just a theory

[10:12] No way

[10:12] They’re real

[10:12] And he knows


[10:14] Calm down we need to be rational about this

[10:14] He could have just left a pile of clothes on his bed and covered them up in an attempt to tidy up his side of the room

[10:15] Come off it

[10:16] It’s possible

[10:16] We need more evidence

[10:17] What are you going to do?

[10:18] Not sure yet

[10:19] Cover fake-Neville back up for a start, let him think he’s gotten away with it

[10:20] That’s pretty sneaky 

[10:20] Almost Slytherin of you

[10:21] Well I did nearly go there

[10:22] You’re kidding

[10:22] Why didn’t you?

[10:23] Doesn’t matter

[10:23] Where do you think Neville has been sneaking off to?

[10:24] IF he’s been sneaking off

[10:24] Maybe a girlfriend? 

[10:24] He has been getting a lot more attention this year

[10:25] What do you mean?

[10:26] He became horrifically attractive over the summer

[10:27] Oh

[10:27] But he’s straight yeah?

[10:27] You said girlfriend

[10:28] Whatever he’s into he’s still being sneaky about it

[10:29] Maybe it’s that girl from raven tech you said about

[10:29] The one he does the peace garden with

[10:30] Maybe

[10:31] Probably is

[10:32] I need a shower

[10:33] Okay yeah I should probably get up too

[10:34] You’re still in bed?

[10:35] Mmhm

[10:35] Snuggly cocoon of snuggliness remember ;-)

[10:36] You’re the type of person who steals all of the duvet aren’t you

[10:37] I’d share with the right person

[10:38] Like your new mystery man you’re moving on with?

[10:39] I guess we’ll see, he did ask me out again

[10:41] Good for you

[10:41] I should go

[10:41] I’ll let you know how it goes with Neville

[10:42] Ok, talk later?

[10:44] Maybe. I have a dinner thing later and I still need to edit the 700 words of absolute wank I wrote last night

[10:45] I’m sure whatever you wrote isn’t that bad...

[10:46] It is

[10:46] The last sentence I wrote says: ‘If one returns to Blahday then Blah becomes Blah and hence every fucking Blah ceases to exist. The End.’

[10:47] Hahaha

[10:47] Seems like I called at the right time then

[10:48] Seems like you did

[10:49] Right, go fuck off and be brilliant and clever

[10:52] Are you bidding me adieu?

[10:53] Bidding you adieu?

[10:53] You’re so fucking posh 


[13:03] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains I can’t wait any longer! How did it go? 

HPSauce: What?

GingerKing: The date with Mr I’ve-got-a-podcast-let-me-tell-you-about-my-podcast

TheBrains: Don’t call him that

GingerKing: What shall I call him then?

TheBrains: Michael?

GingerKing: Oh

GingerKing: Nah

TheBrains: Ignore him Harry

TheBrains: But how did it go?

HPSauce: Yeah it was fine

HPSauce: We’re going out again later this week

TheBrains: That’s wonderful Harry!

GingerKing: Wonderful? He said it was ‘fine’

HPSauce: It was good

HPSauce: But it was a first date with someone I don’t know very well so it’s hardly going to be fireworks just yet is it

TheBrains: But you liked him? He seemed ever so nice at lunch

HPSauce: Yeah he’s nice

GingerKing: ‘Nice’ yawwwwn

TheBrains: @GingerKing what’s your problem?

HPSauce: Enough you two

HPSauce: I had a good time and he seems cool

HPSauce: We’ll see how it goes

GingerKing: Alright mate

TheBrains: Yeah okay

TheBrains: Whatever happened with your silly bet by the way? Did you find out who you were texting?

HPSauce: No 

HPSauce: Not yet

TheBrains: Yet?

TheBrains: You’re still messaging this person?

HPSauce: A bit

TheBrains: Harry

HPSauce: Hermione

TheBrains: Has it not occurred to you who you could be messaging? 

GingerKing: Hmm whoever could you mean...?

HPSauce: Ffs it’s not him

TheBrains: How do you know?

HPSauce: It just isn’t

HPSauce: There’s no way

TheBrains: But how do you know??

HPSauce: Well I spoke to him last night and he doesn’t sound like he’s trying to be an absolute prick to me all the fucking time

HPSauce: He makes me laugh, we’re friends

HPSauce: I think

TheBrains: You talked to him last night?

TheBrains: After your date?

HPSauce: Yeah so?

TheBrains: And you don’t think that’s a bit weird?

HPSauce: No I don’t

HPSauce: Is it weird?

TheBrains: Yeah it’s a bit fucking weird

HPSauce: It’s not weird is it Ron

TheBrains: Ron tell him it’s weird

GingerKing: Ron can’t come to the phone right now, please leave a message

TheBrains: I’m just worried

TheBrains: You’re my friend and I care about you

TheBrains: I don’t want you to get hurt

HPSauce: Thanks 

HPSauce: But no one is getting hurt 

HPSauce: We just send a few friendly messages, it’s not a big deal 

TheBrains: Right

TheBrains: What do you know about him?

HPSauce: He’s in either 6th or 7th year because they use Borage for Chem too

HPSauce: He was moaning about Snape wanting to use that book

TheBrains: He’s a 7th year

GingerKing: How the fuck do you know that? 

TheBrains: Since Snape became headmaster he only teaches Chemistry to the 7th years 

GingerKing: Again, how the fuck do you know that?

TheBrains: I just know things 

GingerKing: You just know things 

TheBrains: Yes

TheBrains: What else?

HPSauce: What else what? 

TheBrains: I assume the bet is still on, so what else do you know about him? 

TheBrains: I might be able to figure this out

HPSauce: I don’t know if the bet is still on actually

HPSauce: I guess it’s been postponed? 

TheBrains: I don’t understand 

HPSauce: Look I think I should tell you that I only instigated the bet to find out if it was Malfoy

TheBrains: Yeah we know 

GingerKing: It was pretty obvious

HPSauce: Right

HPSauce: Well he isn’t Malfoy so there we are  

TheBrains: So why carry on? 

HPSauce: Why not? 

HPSauce: He’s alright, not all Slytherins are sneaky stuck up wankers you know 

TheBrains: I know that Harry 

GingerKing: You do? 

TheBrains: I use their library sometimes

TheBrains: They’re perfectly civil 

GingerKing: Since when have you been using their library? 

TheBrains: Since fifth year? 

GingerKing: What the fuck! Why? 

TheBrains: It’s better than ours

GingerKing: I can’t believe this

GingerKing: The betrayal!

HPSauce: How do you get in? 

TheBrains: McG worked something out with Snape 

TheBrains: They gave me an ID I can use

TheBrains: Receptionist always gives me a hard time about it though, pretends she doesn’t remember who I am and makes me fill out a form every single time I go there

TheBrains: She calls them ‘academic decrees of intent’ or some rubbish and insists I have an escort to and from the library

TheBrains: I’m not sure what sort of trouble she thinks I’m going to cause

GingerKing: Well you did set that fire in first year

TheBrains: That was a very small fire

HPSauce: And you made gin in the girls’ bathroom in second year

GingerKing: Hahaha I’d forgotten about that!

TheBrains: I just wanted to see if it could be done

TheBrains: I really don’t think it’s appropriate to teach 12-year-olds about the prohibition era 

TheBrains: Besides you two are no better

GingerKing: Lies and slander! You’re the bad influence @TheBrains

HPSauce: Yeah Saint Potter over here thank you very much

HPSauce: Although you did drive your Dad’s car into that tree @GingerKing

GingerKing: That was both of us you wanker

GingerKing: Saint Potter my arse

GingerKing: Still can’t believe you didn’t get a bollocking from Mum

HPSauce: Hahaha

TheBrains: I feel like we’ve gotten off track

GingerKing: Harry knows what he’s doing Mione just leave it

TheBrains: Fine alright

TheBrains: If you change your mind and want help though…

HPSauce: Then I’ll come straight to you :-)

GingerKing: Right, now that’s sorted - who’s up for the pub later?

HPSauce: Can’t, dinner with Pads tonight

GingerKing: Can you come after? 

HPSauce: Nah, his cousin and her husband are coming, seems like it might be important to Pads? They haven’t seen each other in a few years and I think I'm on babysitting duty while they catch up, she's bringing her nephew or something

GingerKing: Fair enough

GingerKing: Mione? Pub? 

TheBrains: Yeah okay :-)


[18:46] Ron

[18:47] Ron

[18:49] RON

[18:50] [Calling GingerKing] 

– Call Disconnected –


[18:52] Finally!!! And I’m happy for you, I really really am and while I’m very much not trying to detract from what’s going on please message me at your nearest convenience


Chapter Text

To hold your heart, to hold your hand

Would be to me, the greatest thing

To hold your heart, hold your hand

Would be to me, the bravest thing

- London Grammar (Truth is a Beautiful Thing)


[18:53] It’s Malfoy

[18:53] Malfoy is here with his aunt and uncle 

[18:53] He’s going to eat my spag bol

[18:53] What if he doesn’t like it???

[18:53] Fuck he’s fit

[18:54] Ugh

[18:54] It’s fine I can handle this

[18:54] How’s it going with Hermione? 


[19:20] What are you doing? 

[19:21] What are you doing? What happened to studying? Editing the 700 words of absolute wank from last night? 

[19:21] ...are you skiving off? 

[19:21] Naughty

[19:22] ;-) 

[19:22] Dinner plans, remember? 

[19:23] And YOU’RE messaging ME? After all that shit you gave me yesterday about texting you on my date? 

[19:23] Are you on a date? 

[19:24] No

[19:24] Unfortunately 

[19:25] Unfortunately? 

[19:25] You’re lucky I’m a bit preoccupied right now otherwise I’d be grilling you for more information

[19:26] That’s why I’ve changed your name in my phone to Relentlessly Annoying Dickhead  

[19:27] You say the sweetest things

[19:28] You didn’t answer my question

[19:29] Well

[19:29] If you must know

[19:29] I happen to be lying on a bath mat

[19:29] Avoiding Things And Stuff

[19:30] Hm

[19:30] I think you should get up

[19:30] And Deal With Things And Stuff

[19:31] Shhh

[19:31] No one likes it when you’re sensible you know

[19:32] Get. Up. Now. 

[19:33] Ooh

[19:33] You’re so bossy

[19:33] Into that are you ;-)

[19:34] Hm maybe yeah 

[19:34] FYI my safe word is Basilisk

[19:35] Hahaha


[20:01] This is weirdly less shit than I thought it would be

[20:01] Pads cousin is fucking hilarious she’s got all these brilliant stories from when they were all in school

[20:02] Do you know him and dad and their mates managed to get a giant inflatable squid into the slytherin pool in their second year? 

[20:02] Malfoy’s ignoring me

[20:02] Sort of

[20:03] Think he might have smiled at me earlier when I came back from the loo? But honestly who the fuck knows

[20:03] Always get it wrong with that prick

[20:04] I take it from your radio silence that things are peachy with Hermione?

[20:05] #romione 


[20:46] Ron, brace yourself

[20:46] Malfoy actually spoke to me

[20:46] He said, and I quote, “Thanks” when I passed him the garlic bread

[20:47] And he ate like 4 bits!

[20:47] Even though it was burnt

[20:48] Do you think he did it to be polite or do you think he just really likes garlic bread? 


[21:11] Oi Trouble

[21:12] What

[21:13] Fancy keeping me company for a few minutes?

[21:13] Or are you still at your dinner thing that’s ‘unfortunately not a date’

[21:14] Why are you saying it like that

[21:14] Like what

[21:14] All...insinuating 

[21:14] Don’t know what you mean 

[21:15] I am simply using the words that you yourself have used to describe your evening plans that include having dinner on what is, very unfortunately, not a date

[21:16] I could have meant that my current plans were unappealing and that I would rather be on a date instead 

[21:17] Oh

[21:17] Is that not what I said? *blinks innocently*


[22:03] I can’t believe you had Malfoy over for spag bol

[22:04] Finally!!!

[22:04] What happened with Hermione? 

[22:04] Also I didn’t ‘have him over’ that was all Pads idea

[22:05] Anyway never mind that now we’re talking about you

[22:05] And Hermione 

[22:05] The Granger-Weasleys

[22:05] <3

[22:06] - image sent - 

[22:07] What happened 

[22:08] Well…

[22:08] It started off great, it’s never really the two of us and she always seems a bit annoyed with me but this was just...different 

[22:08] I don’t know 

[22:08] It was really nice just talking about random shit with her, we were sitting really close and she was so interested and smiley and she hugged me 

[22:09] I was telling her about Percy, you know he’s still not talking to Mum and Dad but he’s been messaging me for a while, checking in and what have you.  I think she could tell I was getting a bit upset about it and she just hugged me for ages

[22:09] It was brilliant 

[22:10] Anyway, the convo moved on and I couldn’t stop thinking how great she is and I’m like ready to tell her and that it might be okay and she might like me back and if she doesn’t then she’ll be amazing about it and we’ll be friends forever but WHAT IF and I just couldn’t stand the thought of not ever telling her 

[22:11] And I’m ready, I knew what I was going to say and everything, I was about to do it when suddenly she starts waving at people, over by the door

[22:11] It was some of her friends from one of her study groups, they all got together in the Slytherin library believe it or not

[22:12] And all that was obvs fine. Yeah I was a bit miffed at first but they’re all really nice and Mione seemed really happy to see them so whatever 

[22:12] Except there’s this one bloke, who was clearly Very Interested in her

[22:13] You should see him Harry he’s massive

[22:13] Absolute fucking unit 

[22:13] And he’s got this amazing accent 

[22:13] He’s Bulgarian, on exchange or something 

[22:14] And the thing is, I think she was Very Interested in him too

[22:14] So...yeah, that’s that I guess

[22:15] What the fuck

[22:16] Yeah exactly, it was so shit

[22:16] No I’m talking about YOU

[22:16] You fucking doughnut

[22:16] ‘That’s that’

[22:16] ???

[22:17] ??? What?

[22:18] What is the matter with you?

[22:18] Is he her boyfriend? Did she snog him at the table? Did she say ‘Ron Who-sley? Sorry, I only have eyes for the Bulgarian!’

[22:19] His name is Viktor

[22:20] Whatever

[22:20] Do I need to remind you that you haven’t actually told her how you feel and she could very well be interested in you too? And even if she does like the Bulgarian, you need to give her some credit - you know she wouldn’t compare, you know she’d take it seriously

[22:21] Mate, you know she’d take YOU seriously

[22:22] Yeah okay

[22:22] I know you’re right

[22:22] Eurgh, can we talk about something else? Distract me from my wallowing 

[22:23] Alright

[22:23] So...don’t laugh too hard, and I am only telling you this because you’re all fucking forlorn but...

[22:23] I told Malfoy I missed him

[22:23] To his face

[22:24] XD WHAT

[22:25] I mean up to that point he’d basically ignored me the whole time so near the end of the night I went to make coffees for everyone because it was starting to get a bit boring 

[22:25] So I was in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil and messaging trouble and doing the coffees when he walks in 

[22:26] Reckon pads sent him in to check on me as I’d been in there a while because he just looked at me like he was really pissed off, but with like me specifically 

[22:26] So I thought I’d try and lighten the mood and talk about the match and say it was a shame he didn’t play yesterday but then I thought of him leaving with his boyfriend and I think my brain hates me because the next thing I know I’m saying…

[22:27] I really missed you yesterday

[22:27] And my voice went all weirdly soft??? 

[22:27] Meanwhile the rest of me is apparently on fire because I could definitely feel my face going red and then HIS face is going red too and he looks really shocked for a minute before he looks annoyed again

[22:28] I think I saved it though, with a sort of rambly “you know, at the match, Harper’s shit, even Ron said so, blah blah blah”

[22:28] He just went ‘mhm’ and took the coffees out, they all left not long after and no, he did not say goodbye to me

[22:29] Argh, I’m honestly so torn!

[22:29] On the one hand I want to laugh and take the piss out of you, but on the other you’ve been pretty brilliant tonight so maybe I should go for commiseration…?

[22:30] Meh just laugh, it’s all I can do at this point to be honest

[22:31] So it shall be

[22:31] Hahaha, you silly plonker

[22:32] Thanks :-p

[22:33] So the phone bloke has a nickname now eh? ‘Trouble’?

[22:34] Yeah…

[22:34] Started out as a joke really but it sort of stuck 

[22:35] Bit sweet really, having nicknames for each other ;-)

[22:36] Nah

[22:36] He definitely hates it XD

[22:36] And he’s renamed me Relentlessly Annoying Dickhead on his phone so…

[22:37] Which might be true now I think about it

[22:38] What do you mean?

[22:39] Think I pissed him off about something but I dunno?

[22:39] It was just before Malfoy got all funny with me in the kitchen so maybe I’m just getting confused 

[22:39] He hasn’t messaged back since

[22:40] Have you messaged him

[22:41] Well no

[22:41] Hm

[22:42] Yeah okay point taken

[22:43] Think I’m going to head to bed mate

[22:43] That’s for the Mione stuff

[22:44] You okay?

[22:45] Yeah

[22:45] Not really

[22:45] But I do feel a bit better

[22:46] Good :-)

[22:47] Mostly because you’re an embarrassing idiot around people you fancy

[22:47] Happy to be of service 


[23:03] Night Trouble

(Read 23:54)

Chapter Text

I've been dreaming of the things I've learnt about a boy

Whose leaving, nothing else to chance again

You've got to let me in or let me out

- Badly Drawn Boy (Something to Talk About)


[07:27] It’s been two know what that means?



[08:12] You need to stop scowling at your Weetos

[08:12] She’s going to know something’s up

[08:13] I’ll stop scowling at my Weetos when you stop frowning at your phone like it’s confusing you

[08:14] I’m not

[08:14] You are mate

[08:15] I think he’s actually pissed off with me? 

[08:16] Are you asking me or telling me

[08:17] Honestly no idea

[08:17] Sent him a message he definitely would’ve had a sarcastic response to

[08:17] Or at the very least a ‘fuck off you wanker’

[08:17] But nothing

[08:18] You have a strange friendship with this guy

[08:19] :-/

[08:20] Maybe just say sorry?

[08:20] Maybe

[08:20] Not sure I’ve actually done anything wrong here though

[08:21] Ugh in that case I can’t believe I just encouraged you to apologise to a Slytherin

[08:21] Feels wrong somehow

[08:22] Yeah

[08:22] You weirdo

[08:23] Fuck off you wanker

[08:23] <3

[08:24] <3

[08:25] It’s going to be alright mate you’ll see

[08:25] He’ll come round

[08:25] You’ll be smiling at your phone again in no time

[08:26] ???

[08:26] I don’t do that

[08:27] Okay

[08:27] Except you do

[08:27] So

[08:29] And you can bloody well stop looking all moody too I’m not taking the piss

[08:30] Are you just encouraging this because you don’t like Mr I’ve-Got-A-Podcast?

[08:31] Ah-ha! So you thought it was weird too!

[08:31] And I don’t dislike him, I’m just indifferent. He’s...meh. 

[08:32] He’s like your sad bowl of claggy porridge there when I know what you really want is to go down to Ps and get a coffee and a chocolate croissant for breakfast 

[08:33] So, what are you saying – Trouble is the equivalent of coffee and a chocolate croissant?

[08:34] ...sure

[08:35] What

[08:36] Nothing Harry

[08:36] Nothing at all


[08:59] I’m sor MESSAGE DELETED


[10:34] Random Monday Musing: What do you like for breakfast? 

[10:35] Eggs Florentine because you’re really fucking posh

[10:36] Smashed avocado on toast because you’re a secret hipster

[10:37] Side Thought: Slytherin tuition fees are possibly spent on maintaining a plentiful supply of organic haas avocados (the big kind from Waitrose)


[10:42] Hm actually that won’t work as we have already established this will put you in a weakened state…

[10:47] Plain toast + Coffee. 

[10:47] Because who has time for gratuitous breakfast fare when they need to unravel the secrets of time!

[10:49] Anyway, hope you’re having a good day



[13:05] Is Ron okay?

[13:06] Yeah why? 

[13:07] Seemed off at breakfast club this morning

[13:07] Didn’t event finish his Weetos

[13:08] He was talking about Percy last night, maybe he’s still feeling a bit down? 

[13:09] Maybe

[13:10] Shit maybe he wanted to talk more last night?? Some people from one of my study groups showed up at the pub and it all just got away from me a bit 

[13:10] Hannah was chewing my ear off about Ned and I though Ron was having a nice chat with the others but I don’t know now, maybe he just wanted to leave

[13:11] Maybe I should have kept it just us?

[13:11] Am I a terrible friend Harry?

[13:12] What no

[13:12] Of course not! 

[13:12] You are kind and brilliant and wonderful, Ron knows that 

[13:13] Believe me

[13:14] Thanks Harry

[13:15] :-) 

[13:15] Who’s Ned anyway? 

[13:16] Hannah’s new bf

[13:16] Not sure he’s actually called Ned tbh

[13:16] Think I was a bit distracted about Ron and the Percy stuff and he just sounded like Ned Stark and it’s HANNAH so I think my brain made the link?? 

[13:17] Hahaha

[13:19] I should talk to Ron

[13:20] Maybe I could get him more cheese scones from Puddifoot’s too?

[13:20] That always seems to cheer him up a bit

[13:21] That’s true 

[13:21] Want me to drive you to Ps later? 

[13:22] Thanks Harry, that would be lovely

[13:23] No problem

[13:28] By the way, exactly how many study groups do you have?

[13:28] 7

[13:29] I hope you never change :-)

[13:30] :-D


[15:19] Status Update: Teacher from the study group no longer looking at me weird

[15:19] In fact, he seems to be very obviously ignoring me

[15:20] Hey maybe you two could start a club? 

[15:20] You could even have badges made! 


[15:37] I don’t know what to say MESSAGE DELETED

[15:39] It’s impossible to ignore you MESSAGE DELETED

[15:39] Fuuuuuuuuuck MESSAGE DELETED 


[15:46 SSPS InstantMessenger]

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville 

ThisCharmingWanker: I need your help

ThisCharmingWanker: I think I’m having a little bit of a crisis

BotanyProwess: Is this real or is this like the time you thought the caretaker's cat was following you? 

ThisCharmingWanker: She was following me Neville! 

ThisCharmingWanker: You know very well that mangy beast has some kind of telepathic link to Filch 

BotanyProwess: Remember when he brought her to the ball in fourth year?

BotanyProwess: That was weird

ThisCharmingWanker: Focus Neville. Crisis.

BotanyProwess: Right sorry

BotanyProwess: Is this something to do with that lad from Griffin that you fancy? 

ThisCharmingWanker: What

BotanyProwess: From the match on Saturday

BotanyProwess: No. 7?

BotanyProwess: You kept looking at his arse if I recall

ThisCharmingWanker: I wasn’t

BotanyProwess: Oh so you do remember 

BotanyProwess: That’s good

BotanyProwess: Didn’t want to have to remind you of how when he smiled your way you turned the same shade of red as his kit

BotanyProwess: Good colour on you btw

ThisCharmingWanker: Why must you mock me in my hour of need Neville? 

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes it’s about him

ThisCharmingWanker: He’s the one who found your phone 

BotanyProwess: Oh

BotanyProwess: He’s the same lad as the one you’ve been texting

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes

BotanyProwess: The one who makes you all smiley at your phone 

TheCharmingWanker: Hour of need, Neville. Sans mockery if you wouldn’t mind. 

BotanyProwess: Well I’m not sure I see what the problem is really

BotanyProwess: Seems like you like each other?

ThisCharmingWanker: It’s complicated

BotanyProwess: I had a feeling it might be

BotanyProwess: How can I help

ThisCharmingWanker: I might have reacted weirdly about something and I’ve been ignoring him all day but I don’t actually want to ignore him at all

BotanyProwess: By ‘might have’ do you mean ‘definitely did and now I’ve left it too long and it feels really awkward’

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes

BotanyProwess: Just start talking to him again

ThisCharmingWanker: What if he’s annoyed at me for ignoring him? 

BotanyProwess: “Sorry. That was rude of me. I’m a prick.”

ThisCharmingWanker: You can’t honestly think that will work

BotanyProwess: Truth is a powerful thing Draco

ThisCharmingWanker: Thank you Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: You’re absolutely right 

ThisCharmingWanker: That reminds me, I owe you an apology

BotanyProwess: What for?

ThisCharmingWanker: For making such a terrible racket when I got in from the library on Saturday night

ThisCharmingWanker: And when I went out running on Sunday

ThisCharmingWanker: I do hope I didn’t disturb your sleep too much?

BotanyProwess: You know me

BotanyProwess: Slept like a log

ThisCharmingWanker: Oh good

BotanyProwess: Sorry Draco, I’ve got to get on with this essay, let me know how you get on with your man

>BotanyProwess has logged out <

ThisCharmingWanker: He’s not mine

Message to BotanyProwess could not be delivered


[16:11] What would the badges say?

[16:15] Something exceptionally clever I expect

[16:15] You’re back :-)

[16:16] I am

[16:17] Sorry

[16:17] It was rude of me to ignore you

[16:17] I’m a prick

[16:18] Ok

[16:18] Have to admit I was not expecting that 

[16:19] What were you expecting? 

[16:20] Honestly I was just hoping you’d talk to me again

[16:21] Really?

[16:22] Yeah

[16:22] I misse MESSAGE DELETED

[16:23] Was wondering if I’d pissed you off 

[16:23] The unfortunately-not-a-date thing

[16:24] You didn’t

[16:24] I’m sorry that I made you think that 

[16:25] It was a bit of a weird night and I didn’t really know how to deal with it 

[16:26] Hm

[16:26] You know, someone once told me to stop avoiding and Deal With Things And Stuff

[16:27] Is that right?

[16:27] Yeah

[16:28] Sounds like an arsehole

[16:29] He has his moments 

[16:29] Want to hang out with me on the metaphorical bathmat and Not Deal With Things And Stuff for a bit?

[16:30] Yes please

[16:30] Well this is cosy

[16:31] It smells like mildew 

[16:32] Hahaha

[16:33] Apple strudel by the way

[16:34] What?

[16:35] Favourite breakfast 

[16:36] :-)

[16:36] I’m sorry but I’ve got to go and meet my friend in a minute 

[16:37] Alright 

[16:37] Thank you for sharing The Bathmat of Avoidance

[16:38] Hahaha anytime 

[16:39] Although you did hog it a bit 

[16:39] Which is fine, obviously your need was greater than mine today 

[16:40] What do you suggest we do next time? Spoon?

[16:41] Depends

[16:41] Are you the little spoon or big spoon? 

[16:42] People who know me might be surprised to learn that I prefer being the little spoon 

[16:43] How fortuitous 

[16:43] I happen to prefer being the big spoon

[16:44] But you’re so small…?

[16:45] I’m not that small ;-)

[16:45] What??

[16:45] NOOO

[16:45] I DIDN’T MEAN THAT!!



[16:47] I meant I’M not that small

[16:47] Height wise!!

[16:48] Hahahaha

[16:49] Ah fuck I just got you back and now I’ve ruined it :-/

[16:50] Don’t worry, you and your apparently enormous cock haven’t ruined anything 

[16:49] It’s not enormous!!

[16:49] It’s a nice size!!

[16:49] ‘Nice’ size

[16:49] What ever does that mean…? Please enlighten me

[16:50] Fuck I’m never going to be able to recover this

[16:50] Please tell me you’re laughing at least

[16:51] Not sure I'll ever be able to stop laughing at this

[16:52] Good


[20:48] I’ve decided I’m going to ban myself from using the winky face from now on

[20:48] It’s causing me too much trouble

[20:49] Too much trouble with Trouble!

[20:49] Hehehe

[20:50] Proud of that one are you

[20:51] A little bit yeah

[20:52] Hmmm

[20:53] Bet you wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face if we were actually face to face

[20:54] I’d only be laughing at how proud you were of your terrible joke

[20:55] That’s fine

[20:55] You have a nice laugh so I’d just pretend you thought I was hilarious

[20:56] Are you rolling your eyes at that?

[20:56] That’s how I always picture you 

[20:57] You don’t know what I look like 

[20:58] You know what I mean

[20:58] I just sort of imagine this vague male shape that always looks a bit done with everyones shit. Mostly mine. With lots of eye rolling. Maybe a raised judge-y eyebrow

[20:59] I see

[20:59] In a good way though 

[21:00] You know I’m not sure today should count as our Friendiversary 

[21:01] Why not??

[21:02] I believe we very much did not like each other in the beginning

[21:03] True

[21:03] At what point did I win you over then?

[21:04] I’ll let you know if/when it happens

[21:05] !!!

[21:05] You prick 

[21:06] No Friendiversary present for you 

[21:07] How could you possibly give me a present??

[21:08] I have my ways

[21:09] Okay

[21:09] Happy Friendiversary

[21:09] Now where is my present

[21:10] So demanding

[21:11] I knew you were all talk

[21:12] I’m not ;-) 

[21:13] I see your winky face ban has been lifted

[21:14] Needs must and all that

[21:15] So all I need to do is tell you the day I found you slightly less than extremely annoying and I can have my present

[21:16] See? I knew you were clever Trouble

[21:17] First Tuesday

[21:18] I don’t think that was the day somehow...

[21:19] Are you saying you can’t do it? 

[21:19] How disappointing 

[21:20] If you could get me a present tomorrow, I’d tell you the actual day

[21:21] Hm so you’re saying I HAVE won you over, how interesting...

[21:22] Fuck off you wanker

[21:22] Hahaha

[21:23] Right, seems I’ve got some plans to put in place and you should probably get to bed

[21:23] What time is your first lesson tomorrow?

[21:24] 10:00

[21:25] Perfect

[21:26] Do you really expect me to believe you can get me a present here tomorrow morning?

[21:26] How are you going to get past Toadbridge? 

[21:26] She keeps better guard than Cerberus 

[21:27] Shush now Trouble, try to get some sleep x

[21:28] ???

[21:31] Good night..? x


[21:17] You awake?

[21:18] Yeah what’s up?

[21:19] What time does the Slytherin library open tomorrow? 

[21:20] 7:30

[21:20] Why?

[21:21] I need a massive favour...



[08:03] Good morning ;-)

[08:04] What

[08:05] What? ;-)

[08:06] What have you done

[08:07] Oh Trouble mine, you’ll soon learn never to doubt me ;-)

[08:08] You didn’t 

[08:09] You best get your arse to the library before someone else finds your present

[08:10] Where in the library

[08:11] Fiction

[08:11] Behind all the Lockhart books

[08:18] Did you get it…?

[08:26] How the fuck did you do this?

[08:27] Hahaha

[08:28] Tell me

[08:29] Hm let me think about that

[08:29] No

[08:30] Enjoy your breakfast :p

[08:31] Tell me

[08:32] I really don’t think you’re in any position to be making demands

[08:32] Standing there

[08:32] With your little pink box of apple strudel, probably looking all flustered and confused

[08:32] So adorable :-)

[08:33] You’re infuriating 

[08:34] I believe you owe me something now

[08:37] Ugh fine

[08:37] I liked that you researched the basilisk 

[08:38] Oh my god

[08:38] That can’t be the day

[08:39] I asked if you liked being peed on that day

[08:39] That can’t be the day!! 

[08:40] It’s not like it was that part that did it for me you know

[08:41] You just like a man that does his research is that it?

[08:42] Yes


[08:43] No need to ask why you’re so smiley ;-)

[08:44] Shut up and eat your cheese scones Weasley

Chapter Text

I don't know what you've done to me

But I know this much is true

I wanna do bad things with you

- Jace Everett (Bad Things)


[20:13] Was it the tunnels? 

[20:14] What?

[20:15] Is that how you got in? 

[20:15] You figured out the secret tunnels 

[20:16] No

[20:16] And I would tell you if I had

[20:17] Really?

[20:18] Yeah of course

[20:18] It’s OUR secret mystery adventure remember?

[20:19] Thanks

[20:20] Rather frustratingly Neville remains as elusive as ever

[20:20] Didn’t think he had it in him tbh

[20:20] He comes across as so wide eyed and innocent, that wily fucker

[20:21] Maybe he really doesn’t know

[20:22] No he’s definitely hiding something

[20:23] What makes you say that? 

[20:24] He became a bit dismissive when I mentioned Saturday night/Sunday morning

[20:25] You just outright asked him??

[20:25] Don’t be absurd

[20:26] I simply apologised for any noise I’d made and he said not to worry about it, then he ‘suddenly’ had an essay to finish and quickly left

[20:27] Suspiciously quickly

[20:29] That’s it?

[20:30] He was very talkative before, no mention of an essay 

[20:31] Hmm ‘tis a bit weird

[20:31] :-/

[20:32] Just out of curiosity, what were you planning to do if/when you found them?

[20:33] It sounds shit but I had no idea. At first I just wanted to know if they were really there

[20:34] And now?

[20:35] Other than find creative ways to leave you presents you mean? 

[20:36] Obviously 

[20:37] Don’t know

[20:37] We could meet MESSAGE DELETED

[20:38] What would you do?

[20:39] I want to MESSAGE DELETED 

[20:39] I don’t know either

[20:42] I think I’d want to sneak out somewhere actually

[20:43] Hahaha really? Where would you go?

[20:44] Anywhere

[20:44] Somewhere not here

[20:45] Do you know we have a curfew? And prefects that patrol the corridors?

[20:45] It’s fucking ridiculous 

[20:46] What happens when you come back after curfew?

[20:47] I don’t know, I’ve never done it

[20:48] Never???

[20:48] Is it weird that I want to keep you out past curfew now?

[20:49] It’s probably weirder that I’d let you

[20:50] I can’t believe you protest so much about being called Trouble when you say things like that 

[20:51] ;-) 

[20:52] Stop it you :p

[20:53] I have to go to bed anyway

[20:53] Talk tomorrow?

[20:54] You’re being very sensible early bird 

[20:54] And yes, definitely 

[20:54] I’m travelling down to London tomorrow for a uni interview so I have to get up really early

[20:55] What!

[20:55] Kept that one quiet 

[20:55] Good luck :-) :-) 

[20:56] Thanks

[20:56] What time is your interview? 

[20:57] 1pm

[20:57] Should I expect a surprise box of apple strudel when I get there?

[20:58] Hahaha I wish I was that good but no

[20:58] Night night Trouble, good luck again for tomorrow you’ll smash it x

[20:59] Thanks again 

[20:59] And thank you for breakfast

[20:59] I still can’t believe you did that 

[20:59] You’re lov MESSAGE DELETED 

[20:59] Night x

[21:02] Feel free to text me about your London adventures by the way 

[21:03] I will 

[21:37] At least tell me how you managed to get past Toadbridge

[21:38] Nah 

[21:38] Go to sleep x

[21:38] Hmph x


[04:23] Ugh I definitely should have gone down the night before this is so fucking shit 

[04:23] I hope this doesn’t wake you up 

[04:24] Actually I do because then you can suffer right along with me which you thoroughly deserve for waking me up at an indecent hour TWICE you prick

[05:50] I fell asleep in the taxi to the airport and now my hair is doing something weird

[05:50] Not sure I can fix it :-/

[05:51] On the upside the coffee in Pret is rather excellent. Do people know about the coffee in Pret? Everyone bangs on about Starbucks but Pret is vastly superior. 

[06:07] I got another one just in case the coffee on the flight is rubbish 

[06:29] Cabin crew are telling me I have to switch you off now, talk to you soon 

[07:47] Forgot how fucking lovely you are first thing in the morning. Honestly. The charm. Just a delight. 

[07:48] I’m sure your hair is fine, but if it’s not try not to worry about it yeah? If that’s the sort of thing they give a shit about it then you don’t want to go there anyway. Their loss. 

[07:49] #pretforeverstarbucksnever

[09:53] I can’t fix it 

[09:53] It’s doing this flicky curl thing over my left ear and it won’t stay in place I think I’ve made it worse

[09:54] Leave it alone Trouble

[09:54] The more you mess with it the worse it’ll get

[09:54] Think about something else

[09:54] Do something else with your hands if you think you can’t leave it alone

[09:55] You’re there

[09:55] :-)

[09:56] I know it’s stupid to care about this

[09:57] Not stupid

[09:57] Not if it’s bothering you

[09:58] Where are you?

[09:58] Got double history

[09:59] You shouldn’t be messaging me, you should be concentrating in your lesson :-/

[09:59] Get back to work

[10:00] You can’t tell me what to do

[10:01] Thought you liked it when I did…? ;-)

[10:05] You know you’re not really not helping me to concentrate right now

[10:06] Get back to work or there’ll be consequences

[10:10] what?

[10:11] Bit of light spanking?

[10:15] Mmm

[10:15] Well I have been very, very bad

[10:16] Stand up and put your hands on the desk 

[10:16] You’re not to move until I say you can

[10:17] Fuck me, your arse looks so perfect like that

[10:20] ;-)

[10:21] No smirking or I’ll take this up a notch

[10:21] ;-) ;-) ;-)

[10:21] Trousers off

[10:22] You told me to keep my hands on the desk

[10:22] …sir

[10:23] Basilisk

[10:24] Haha you can’t steal my safe word 

[10:25] Needs must

[10:26] I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to get hard during the obligatory tour of the library now would it? 

[10:29] I don’t know

[10:29] They might think you just really like libraries 

[10:29] Could work in your favour

[10:30] Hahaha

[10:31] Still thinking about your hair? 

[10:32] Can’t say that I am, no

[10:32] Thanks for the distraction

[10:33] Have fun on your library tour

[10:34] ...just not too much fun 

[10:35] Fuck off 


[10:11] What was that noise?

[10:12] What noise

[10:13] That noise you literally just made

[10:14] Wasn’t me

[10:27] Are you blushing??

[10:28] No??

[10:28] It’s just warm in here

[10:28] Binns needs to crack a fucking window 

[10:29] Hmm 


[11:47] I’ve been thinking about your time travel project 

[11:47] What car would you use to do your time travelling in?

[11:53] Why would it need to be a car?

[11:54] It’s a car in Back to the Future?

[11:55] An appalling choice of a car

[11:56] Sacrilege!

[11:57] It is!

[11:57] Again, why would it need to be a car

[11:57] It’s a police box in Doctor Who

[11:57] A phone box in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

[11:58] There’s great time travel film called Primer where they have to lie down in a wooden box thing 

[11:59] That sounds horrible

[11:59] Not a fan of closed in spaces I take it? 

[11:59] Hard no

[12:00] Alright

[12:00] No box for us then 

[12:01] Us? 

[12:02] You said when I figured out time travel you wanted us to go and see ‘all of the bands’ 

[12:03] Oh yeah :-)

[12:04] Of course depending on who you want to see will determine if I allow you to accompany me or not

[12:05] I’d expect nothing less

[12:06] Right

[12:06] Here’s a question

[12:06] What’s the weirdest time travel device you’ve seen in a film?

[12:07] A walnut

[12:07] Haha what

[12:08] A walnut

[12:08] The Girl Who Leapt Through Time

[12:08] ...guess what it’s about?

[12:09] Think I can work it out :p

[12:09] Are you sure? You do attend Griffin Academy

[12:10] Fuck. Right. Off. 

[12:10] I was going to watch it but now I won’t bother

[12:10] Sounds shit

[12:11] Probably just as well

[12:11] It’s in japanese with subtitles, I’m not sure you’d be able to keep up

[12:12] Well I can keep up with all your clever little messages just fine thank you very much

[12:12] Think a personal favourite has to be “Fuck me, your arse looks so perfect like that” 

[12:13] Why is that a personal favourite?

[12:15] ...praise kink?

[12:16] Hahaha

[12:17] I have to go :-/

[12:17] Think it’s expected that I should be socialising with the other interviewees

[12:18] :-(

[12:18] Alright

[12:18] Knock ‘em dead Trouble x

[12:19] Thanks x


[12:47] Fancy a kickabout? I’m done for the day

[12:48] Yes brilliant

[12:48] I’ll meet you by your car

[12:49] Why can’t we use the pitch?

[12:50] She’ll find me

[12:50] She’s not with you is she?

[12:51] Who

[12:52] HERMIONE

[12:53] No? What’s going on?

[12:54] She’s roped me into helping her with something and I don’t know what it is and I just said yes and now I’m bloody fucked

[12:54] Something to do with what McG was saying in Morning Minutes

[12:55] What was she saying in Morning Minutes?

[12:56] I DON’T KNOW 

[12:56] Something to do with Slytherin Prep I think??

[12:56] You know it wouldn’t hurt for you to pay attention in Morning Minutes either 

[12:57] Can you ask Not-Malfoy?

[12:58] Why are you calling him that??

[12:59] Well I’m not going to call him ‘Trouble’ am I?!

[12:59] And all you’ve told me is he’s definitely not Malfoy

[13:00] Hermione’s calling me


[13:02] Harry???

[13:13] So

[13:13] The important thing to remember is that at least we’ll be suffering together?

[13:14] What have you done

[13:15] I couldn’t say no mate

[13:15] I owed her a massive favour

[13:16] Well I hope it was worth it

[13:17] Think of all the quality time you’ll have with ‘mione

[13:18] I don’t even know what we’re doing!!

[13:19] It’s not that bad

[13:19] Just helping out on the food stands at the fireworks thing

[13:20] Fine

[13:21] She also wants us to help build the bonfire

[13:21] I said fine

[13:22] Thing is

[13:22] Don’t get annoyed 

[13:22] But she said Viktor was organising that bit

[13:25] Ron

[13:26] Yeah

[13:26] You okay?

[13:26] Yeah

[13:27] You thought any more about telling her? 

[13:28] When is it?

[13:29] A week on Saturday

[13:30] I’ll tell her then

[13:30] Fuck really

[13:31] Yeah

[13:31] Shit or get off the pot mate

[13:32] That’s the spirit


[14:07] Finished

[14:07] I believe it went well

[15:11] Hey sorry I missed you

[15:11] Glad it went well though :-) when do you find out?

[15:42] Not for a while I don’t think

[15:42] I have to go and meet my father for an early dinner before my flight back so I might not reply much

[15:58] Fucks’ sake he invited his weird creepy boss

[16:03] :-/

[16:03] How’s dinner going?

[16:14] Awful

[16:14] The boss hugged me??

[16:14] Even the waitress looked uncomfortable

[16:15] Yeah that’s a bit weird

[16:15] What did your Dad do?

[16:16] Nothing

[16:16] You okay? I can call you if you like

[16:17] No it’s fine

[16:17] I’m fine

[16:18] Do you really have to stay

[16:19] It’ll be over soon then I’ll be home

[16:19] Back in Scotland I mean

[16:20] Good

[16:20] Scotland misses you

[16:20] There’s a definite absence of snark with you down in London

[16:20] Everyone has been really nice today

[16:20] Too nice

[16:21] Can’t have that

[16:21] I miss Scotland too

[16:21] Got to go :-/

[17:47] Fuming

[17:47] I missed my fucking flight

[17:47] Now I’ve got to get the train back to Edinburgh which takes like 5 hours

[17:48] What the hell

[17:48] Why’d you miss it??

[17:49] That fucking dinner

[17:50] I haven’t got much battery left either so this might as well be goodnight

[17:51] :-/ 

[17:51] Alright

[17:52] If you want to call when y MESSAGE DELETED

[17:52] Night Trouble x

[17:53] Night x

Chapter Text

Love of mine

Won't you lay by my side

And rest your weary eyes

Before we're out of time

- City and Colour (As Much As I Ever Could)



Message Wed at 18:47: I’m watching your film. The walnut time travel one. It’s really good! 

Message Wed at 19:23: Oh my god!!! I did not see that coming AT ALL

Message Wed at 19:25: WHAT

Message Wed at 20:02: Well I’m not going to lie I’m a bit sad. But also not? Not sure how to feel about it. My godfather won’t even speak to me, he’s still a bit tearful, keeps waving me away with his hankie 

Message Wed at 20:03: Think you’ve broken him

Message Wed at 22:34: This might be really overstepping and I’m sure you’ll think I’m being a massive overprotective weirdo and you’re probably right but can you call me when you get in? 

[22:35] Whatever time it is I don’t care

[00:11 Calling: Harry]


“Hi it’s – it’s me. Trouble. I’m back.”

“Hm. finally admit you’re trouble.” 

“I admit nothing. Were you asleep?”

“Little bit. How was the train?”

“Long. Boring. Go back to sleep, okay?”

“Will in a sec. You alright?” 

“I’m lying on my bed in all my interview clothes. Not sure I can even be bothered to get changed I’m so fucking shattered.”

“Don’t then. Shoes off, coat off. Snuggle down and sleep.”

“...yeah, alright.”

“Thanks for calling me.”


“You sound all sleepy-soft.”

“Mmph. Fuck off.”

“M’not teasing, s’nice.”

“Mm. Shush now or I’ll spank you again.”

“Promises, promises.”

“And yet he keeps on talking.”

“You could just hang up you know.”

“So could you.”

“Seems we’ve reached an impasse.”

“, I’m quite impressed you know the word impasse .”

“...’see you’re not too tired to take the piss.”

“...just can't help myself when it comes to you.”

“Ah you make me feel so special.”

“What were you expecting? Hearts and flowers? Want me to woo you over the phone?” 

Woo me?”

“Hypothetically. A hypothetical wooing.” 

“You c -“


“No, nothing. Never mind. My brain is doing weird things - let’s go to sleep, it’s late. You need to sleep.”

“...yeah. Yeah okay. Night then.”

“Yeah. Night, Trouble.”


[07:07] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains: Okay chaps - we’re T minus 9 days until the BIG EVENT! The fireworks are ordered and the food vendors are scheduled. There’s going to be: Tiny Taco (tacos, obvs), Who Gives A Crêpe (they do sweet and savoury),  The Happy Vegan, Carousel (pudding-y things, oh my god Ron you will LOVE IT) and the Voodoo Hot Dog Co. (hot dogs, obvs). They’ll all have cold drinks available to buy and can supply tap water if people bring their own bottles. You two will be on the hot drinks stand. I thought that hot chocolate and probably a hot apple cider thing? What do you think?

TheBrains: We need to be on SlyPrep grounds at 9am sharp THIS Saturday. I’ve arranged it all with the others. We need to plot out where everything is going to go ahead of next weekend. McG said she’d be there too and I don’t know about you two but I’m very curious to see what she wears on a weekend

TheBrains: I bet she has a fabulous Harris tweed coat

TheBrains: Anyway, what do you think about the hot drinks? Should I add a third thing? Mulled wine? Is that too Christmassy?

TheBrains: Chaps?

TheBrains: Lads?

TheBrains: Fine examples of masculinity that I am proud to call my friends?

TheBrains: Oi Fuck Trumpets


GingerKing: Not so loud

HPSauce: Still in bed

GingerKing: And we all agreed

GingerKing: Quiet time before 7:30

TheBrains: But that was just for normal everyday stuff??

TheBrains: I never agreed about one-off events like the WinterFest Fantastic Firework Spectacular!

GingerKing: Hermione

TheBrains: Fine

TheBrains: See you at breakfast club? I’m bringing the big folder

TheBrains: @GingerKing can you ask your Dad where he got those turquoise post-its?

TheBrains: After 7:30 of course

TheBrains: Not a big deal

TheBrains: But if you could

TheBrains: That would be great

GingerKing: Course I can

TheBrains: <3 


[07:27] That’s a heart

[07:28] I saw

[07:28] Not reading anything into it

[07:28] Course not

[07:29] But. 

[07:29] Mhm.

[07:30] I’m just acknowledging it

[07:30] Consider it acknowledged


[11:04 SSPS InstantMessenger]

> User: ThisCharmingWanker has logged in <

ThisCharmingWanker: Good morning Neville

BotanyProwess: Alright there sleepyhead, welcome back :-)

ThisCharmingWanker: Thanks

BotanyProwess: How’d it go yesterday 

ThisCharmingWanker: Good. I think I got in. 

BotanyProwess: Course you did :-) 

BotanyProwess: And your Dad? 

ThisCharmingWanker: He seemed in good health 

BotanyProwess: Not what I meant

ThisCharmingWanker: I know

BotanyProwess: You didn’t tell him

ThisCharmingWanker: It really wasn’t the right time 

BotanyProwess: Don’t know why he hasn’t figured it out on his own tbh

BotanyProwess: Even your man Harry thought you’d be doing engineering instead of law

ThisCharmingWanker: I deeply regret telling you about that

ThisCharmingWanker: And his name

ThisCharmingWanker: And he’s not mine

BotanyProwess: Oh? Is there someone else you want to be spanking then?

ThisCharmingWanker: What???

BotanyProwess: Heard that part of your phone call last night ;-)

ThisCharmingWanker: Oh

ThisCharmingWanker: I thought you were asleep

BotanyProwess: I was, just woke up a bit when you came in 

ThisCharmingWanker: My apologies

ThisCharmingWanker: I should have made that phone call in private

ThisCharmingWanker: I hope I didn’t keep you awake

BotanyProwess: Don’t worry I only heard that part ;-)

BotanyProwess: Didn’t realise things had progressed that much

ThisCharmingWanker: They haven’t 

ThisCharmingWanker: And they’re not going to

BotanyProwess: So you’re just going to be text pals forever

ThisCharmingWanker: No obviously not

ThisCharmingWanker: Eventually he’ll get bored and this will fade out into nothing like it was supposed to 

BotanyProwess: From what you’ve said about him that seems unlikely

BotanyProwess: And do you really want that?

ThisCharmingWanker: I don’t have an answer to that question 

BotanyProwess: Alright, let me ask you this then - why did you call him last night?

ThisCharmingWanker: He asked me to

BotanyProwess: Why?

ThisCharmingWanker: It seemed like he was worried

BotanyProwess: And you didn’t want him to worry

ThisCharmingWanker: Exactly

BotanyProwess: Hm 

BotanyProwess: Could’ve just texted him

ThisCharmingWanker: As I have just said, he asked me to call him. And he was asleep so he might not have heard the message alert. I was simply being courteous.

BotanyProwess: You’re not exactly known for being courteous 

ThisCharmingWanker: I have impeccable manners thank you very much

BotanyProwess: I’m not denying that, you’re the most polite wanker I know :-)

ThisCharmingWanker: I have to get my Chemistry notes from yesterday

ThisCharmingWanker: See you at dinner?

BotanyProwess: Wouldn’t miss it, it’s treacle tart for pudding

ThisCharmingWanker: Of course it is

> User: ThisCharmingWanker has logged out <


[14:32] Group Chat: Golden Trio

GingerKing: In the shop, who wants what?

HPSauce: Packet of wheat crunchies and a freddo

TheBrains: I hope you’re not skiving off study group Ron Weasley

GingerKing: @TheBrains I’m getting snacks FOR study group :p it’s going to be a long sesh remember? Lupin said he wants go over personal statements with us 

TheBrains: Oh yeah, soz

TheBrains: Maltesers please :-D

TheBrains: Do you know I once saw a freddo for 68p?

HPSauce: What??

HPSauce: That can’t be real

GingerKing: That is outrageous

HPSauce: Was it in a Waitrose?

TheBrains: It was in The Co-op believe it or not

GingerKing: @HPSauce You always shit on Waitrose but we all know you secretly love it in there

HPSauce: What no I don’t

TheBrains: Think I have to agree here Harry

TheBrains: It’s as if you’ve got a secret hidden passion for posh things

GingerKing: Remember when you kept banging on about their sourdough?

HPSauce: Sourdough isn’t posh??

GingerKing: Methinks the lady doth protest too much

TheBrains: XD

HPSauce: Yeah yeah :p

TheBrains: What time is the big date tomorrow then? 

HPSauce: Not sure actually still need to sort

TheBrains: Oh okay :-)

HPSauce: Although

TheBrains: What?

HPSauce: Would it be awful if I cancelled?

TheBrains: No not at all

TheBrains: Are you feeling alright?

HPSauce: Yeah

HPSauce: It’s nothing like that

HPSauce: I’ve just been thinking that he might not be my cup of tea really

HPSauce: I mean I haven’t spoken to him at all since he asked me out again 

TheBrains: Well

TheBrains: Some people aren’t big texters

TheBrains: And you’re just getting to know each other really

HPSauce: But I talk to Tr MESSAGE DELETED

HPSauce: Yeah maybe

TheBrains: Harry, it’s fine if you’ve changed your mind - you can change your mind at any time

HPSauce: I know

HPSauce: Maybe I’m making more of this than I need to 

HPSauce: Like you say we are just getting to know each other 

TheBrains: Can I ask you something?

HPSauce: Yeah…

TheBrains: Why did you say yes?

HPSauce: I don’t know

HPSauce: That sounds bad

HPSauce: I just woke up on Sunday feeling all warm and good and happy and he asked so I thought yeah why not

TheBrains: Okay

HPSauce: What should I do?

TheBrains: I can’t answer that for you :-/

TheBrains: But I will say this: have a proper think about what you really want

TheBrains: And don’t be a dick

HPSauce: Haha thanks ‘mione

TheBrains: Any time :-)

TheBrains: @GingerKing you’ve been oddly quiet

GingerKing: @TheBrains seemed like you two were having a moment

GingerKing: However, in a completely unprecedented development I seem to have arrived at Lupin’s study sesh before both of you

GingerKing: So get your arses here quickly before I eat all your snacks and have to listen to Lavender for any longer than is strictly necessary 

TheBrains: Thought you’d be into that

GingerKing: She’s nice

GingerKing: But no

GingerKing: Not my cup of tea, as it happens


[20:04] I was only out for one fucking day and it feels like I’m a week behind already

[20:04] How is that possible? 

[20:05] :-/

[20:05] Anything I can do? 

[20:06] No :-/ thanks though 

[20:07] To be honest even if I was there I’d probably be more of a hindrance than a help

[20:08] Well

[20:08] You are quite distracting

[20:09] OH AM I NOW

[20:09] ;-)

[20:10] I meant you’d probably try and entice me to look for the tunnels

[20:11] As if you’d need enticing to do that 

[20:12] You’re probably right 

[20:12] And it would be a lot more fun than reading chapter 10 to 12 of Principles of Microeconomics  

[20:12] So come here and distract me

[20:13] On my way

[20:15] Are you???

[20:15] No :p

[20:16] 1. How would I even get in? 

[20:16] 2. Not even sure where you are (probably library?)

[20:16] And 3. I have no idea what you look like

[20:17] So I’d just be aimlessly wandering about, calling out for Trouble which I feel would probably not end well for me

[20:17] Hahaha

[20:18] :-)

[20:18] I should probably go, I’ll talk to you tomorrow?

[20:19] Oh

[20:19] Yeah okay

[20:20] I just don’t want to distract you if you’ve got loads to do

[20:20] Well I do, but…

[20:20] Not if it’ll be problematic 

[20:24] I did message you first

[20:25] So you did :-) 

[20:26] You were right, I am in the library

[20:26] Haven’t actually been back to my room since this morning 

[20:27] Which, by the way, I am never listening to you again about sleeping in my clothes I looked such a mess when I woke up

[20:28] Don’t blame me, you are an autonomous human capable of making your own decisions

[20:28] Besides the important bit was yesterday, bet you looked all posh and proper then 

[20:29] Posh and proper

[20:30] I stand by it

[20:30] Hmm

[20:31] Are you going to be studying all weekend?

[20:32] Probably :-/

[20:32] I’ve got quite a lot to do and I still haven’t edited my EPQ stuff from last weekend 

[20:33] Okay

[20:34] Why?

[20:34] No reason

[20:34] Just asking :-)

[20:35] What are you doing?

[20:36] Just some stuff with friends on Saturday and I’ve got this date thing with Michael tomorrow

[20:36] Probably stuff with my godfather on Sunday which will be good :-)

[20:38] Michael

[20:38] Ah

[20:38] Yeah

[20:39] Michael Corner? From RT?

[20:40] Yeah...

[20:40] Ok

[20:40] What

[20:41] Nothing

[20:41] Have a good time

[20:42] Obviously it’s not nothing so just tell me 

[20:44] I hope for your sake his kissing technique has improved 

[20:44] God it was like my mouth was being attacked by slugs

[20:45] Wtf???

[20:45] YOU’VE snogged Michael Corner?

[20:46] Just once

[20:46] Last year

[20:46] Which was more than enough thank you very much 


[20:47] This is so so weird!! 

[20:47] If I kiss him now all I’m going to be thinking about is you 

[20:48] Shit 

[20:48] I didn’t mean how that sounded 

[20:49] It’ll be like I’m kissing you 

[20:49] Argh I don’t think I meant that either

[20:50] Well good because frankly that is just offensive 

[20:50] I can assure you it will not be like you’re kissing me

[20:50] I happen to be an exquisite kisser ;-) 

[20:50] Unlike Michael

[20:50] Who is terrible

[20:50] #pooryou

[20:51] This isn’t funny!!

[20:52] It’s a bit funny 

[20:53] Fucking hell

[20:53] Why did you tell me that??

[20:54] Because you asked me to??

[20:54] I didn’t ask for the graphic details!!

[20:54] Hahaha

[20:55] So has it improved? Or is the slug-jabbing technique still in full effect?

[20:56] I really wouldn’t know 

[20:57] Oh

[20:57] You didn’t…?

[20:58] No I didn’t 

[20:58] And I suppose you’ve got something to say about that as well Mr Exquisite Kisser

[20:59] Ah, finally a nickname I approve of ;-)

[21:00] What a fucking surprise 

[21:01] At least this one is accurate 

[21:01] So you say

[21:01] You don’t believe me?

[21:02] I’m hardly going to just take your word for it am I

[21:03] I’ve no reason to lie to you

[21:04] Describe it then

[21:05] What

[21:06] Come on

[21:06] If you’re that good you should have no problem describing it to me

[21:10] I’m waiting

[21:13] Very well

[21:14] I’d be gentle, at first. Pull you close to me, your hand in mine while I cup your cheek with the other. Softly run my thumb over that clever mouth of yours. When I do kiss you, it’d be sweet, my lips on yours, not too much pressure. At first anyway

[21:16] I’d slide my fingers up into your hair, tease at your mouth just a little with my tongue. Maybe I’d tighten my hand a bit. Do you like that? I bet you do. You’re so fucking stubborn normally. Relentless. But you’d like it if I took control. Showed you how much I want you, kiss my way down to that delicious bit where your jaw meets your neck 

[21:17] Christ I want to hear all those needy little sounds I know you’d make for me when I kiss you there

[21:18] You know you called me proper before

[21:18] Well I’d be imagining all the improper things I want to do with you

[21:19] Like wh MESSAGE DELETED

[21:21] And so on, etc.

[21:21] I should probably get back to studying now

[21:22] Right of course

[21:22] Principles of Microeconomics 

[21:22] Chapter 10 to 12

[21:23] That’s right ;-)

[21:24] I’ll leave you to it then 

[21:25] Thanks

[21:25] Night x

[21:26] Night xx


Chapter Text

Trouble on my left, trouble on my right

I've been facing trouble almost all my life

My sweet love, won't you pull me through?

Everywhere I look I catch a glimpse of you

- Cage the Elephant (Trouble)



[07:06] About last ni MESSAGE DELETED

[07:17] Why did you MESSAGE DELETED

[07:24] Is that really how y MESSAGE DELETED

[07:36] I keep reading MESSAGE DELETED

[07:43] I want to kn MESSAGE DELETED

[07:51] Did you mean it when MESSAGE DELETED

[07:53] I want y MESSAGE DELETED

[07:57] Would you like it if I ki MESSAGE DELETED

[08:01] I can’t stop thi MESSAGE DELETED


[10:03] Hey Michael, it’s Harry

[10:03] Let's get a coffee before the film 

[10:03] Hang out for a bit first and talk

[10:17] Sounds good!

[10:17] The film starts at 7:30, maybe we could meet at Puddifoot’s at 6:30 and walk over?

[10:18] Cool, see you then

[10:19] See you later, have a good day!

[10:19] Yeah you too


[16:27 SPSS Instant Messenger]

BotanyProwess: What’s up with you

ThisCharmingWanker: Nothing

BotanyProwess: You’ve been moping all day 

ThisCharmingWanker: Economics put me in a bad mood

BotanyProwess: That was hours ago

ThisCharmingWanker: A thoroughly bad mood 

BotanyProwess: And you keep looking at your phone

ThisCharmingWanker: I do not

ThisCharmingWanker: You must be imagining things

BotanyProwess: You know

BotanyProwess: You could just tell me now, and save yourself a bit of dignity 

BotanyProwess: Or you can tell me later, in a dramatic Malfoyan huff after you’ve let whatever it is build up in your head 

BotanyProwess: Draco I can see you scowling

ThisCharmingWanker: Good because I’m scowling at you 

BotanyProwess: Is this about your man Harry?

ThisCharmingWanker: Don’t call him that

ThisCharmingWanker: He’s not mine

BotanyProwess: What should I call him

ThisCharmingWanker: Potter

ThisCharmingWanker: Scarhead

ThisCharmingWanker: Bane of my existence

ThisCharmingWanker: Scourge upon my soul

BotanyProwess: So it is about him then 

ThisCharmingWanker: Fine. Yes. 

BotanyProwess: Did you have a falling out? 

ThisCharmingWanker: No…

BotanyProwess: ... 

ThisCharmingWanker: I found out who he’s going on a date with

BotanyProwess: And

ThisCharmingWanker: It’s Michael Corner

BotanyProwess: Oh :-/

ThisCharmingWanker: And I told him he’s a horrible kisser

BotanyProwess: Why did you do that

ThisCharmingWanker: Because he is!

ThisCharmingWanker: I wish someone had warned me!

ThisCharmingWanker: Really I was performing a very noble public service

BotanyProwess: Draco

ThisCharmingWanker: In my defence, Michael is also awful and boring

BotanyProwess: Surely you must realise that’s for Harry to decide

ThisCharmingWanker: Fuck

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes I know 

ThisCharmingWanker: I just...reacted

BotanyProwess: I see

ThisCharmingWanker: There’s more

BotanyProwess: Go on

ThisCharmingWanker: I accidentally sexted him a tiny little bit

BotanyProwess: You sexted him

ThisCharmingWanker: Sort of

BotanyProwess: Accidentally

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes

BotanyProwess: Think I might need an explanation 

ThisCharmingWanker: I didn’t mean to do it 

ThisCharmingWanker: I was just trying to wind him up about going out with sluggy chops and so I told him I was a good kisser and then he was like ‘describe it then’ and so I did

ThisCharmingWanker: But with hindsight I think I got a bit carried away

ThisCharmingWanker: It was very...wordy

BotanyProwess: Did he react badly? 

ThisCharmingWanker: Well no

ThisCharmingWanker: He didn’t react at all actually

BotanyProwess: Ah

BotanyProwess: So that’s what’s upset you 

ThisCharmingWanker: I’m not upset

ThisCharmingWanker: But it’s just rather impolite isn’t it?

ThisCharmingWanker: To ask someone to describe something intimate like that and then ignore them? 

BotanyProwess: He just ignored you? 

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes 

ThisCharmingWanker: - screenshot sent -

ThisCharmingWanker: See? Not a peep since

BotanyProwess: And you don’t think that, maybe, he was simply being considerate because you had a lot to do? 

BotanyProwess: Because to me that looks like you’re quite obviously finishing the conversation and he’s respecting your wishes 

ThisCharmingWanker: But

ThisCharmingWanker: No?

ThisCharmingWanker: He didn’t even acknowledge it!

ThisCharmingWanker: He probably thought it was stupid and embarrassing 

ThisCharmingWanker: He probably laughed

ThisCharmingWanker: Ugh I’m such a twat why did I do that??

BotanyProwess: In all fairness, he did ask you to

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes

ThisCharmingWanker: But

ThisCharmingWanker: It was detailed Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: And now I’m fairly certain he wasn’t being serious at all when he asked me to 

ThisCharmingWanker: What if he thinks I’m some sort of weird creepy sex pest now?

ThisCharmingWanker: He’s being all fucking lovely with his worrying and his strudels and I’m just ‘ooh let me pull your hair and tell you all the improper things I want to do with you’

ThisCharmingWanker: I can see you laughing over there Neville!!

BotanyProwess: I’m sure he doesn’t think you’re a weird creepy sex pest

BotanyProwess: Why don’t you just talk to him 

BotanyProwess: Instead of assuming you know what he’s thinking

ThisCharmingWanker: Maybe

BotanyProwess: Look, do you want to come to the cinema tonight? It might cheer you up a bit?

BotanyProwess: Classic 80s sci-fi :-)

BotanyProwess: I’ll even get you popcorn 

ThisCharmingWanker: I’ll think about it

ThisCharmingWanker: But for now I’m going to go to Ps, buy myself a massive hot chocolate and forget all about Harry bloody Potter


Draco burrowed deeper into his scarf, trying to protect as much of his face as possible from the biting November chill. Crisp leaves crunched satisfyingly under his winter boots as he made his way through Hogsmeade to Puddifoot’s.  

It was lit up on the inside, emitting a warm and cosy glow onto the darkened streets. Draco was also quite relieved to see it looking relatively empty for a late Friday afternoon. Maybe he wouldn’t head back to school straight away; maybe he would stay and sit for a little while, read one of the many old tattered books left behind by other customers. He definitely wouldn’t re-read (for the umpteenth time) any of the –

His phone buzzed in his pocket as he reached for the door. 

Draco pulled it out embarrassingly fast, feeling his shoulders drop as he peered down at the screen.  

[17:11 SPSS Instant Messenger] 

BotanyProwess: Got you a ticket just in case, no pressure :-)

Draco forced himself to type out a response, trying not to acknowledge the disappointment he felt. 

ThisCharmingWanker: Thanks Neville

He was about to put his phone away when his thumb, apparently acting completely of its own accord, hovered over the text messaging icon and opened up his inbox. Several names appeared in the list before him, with one shining out like a beacon at the very top alongside a time-stamp from the last message sent last night. He pressed on it and scrolled through, hating himself a bit for giving in so easily as he read and read and read. 

“You need to stop,” he muttered, locking the screen.

“Are you talking to me?”

Draco looked up and immediately wanted to laugh. Because of course, of course Potter was here. Looking entirely too put-together for Draco’s liking in fitted jeans and a navy blue pea coat. Even his hair didn’t look as disastrous as it usually did; not...neat exactly, but noticeably styled. Fuck, he’d actually made an effort for that boring arsehole. Draco released a grumpy huff as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. 

“I’ll take that as a no then.” Potter’s eyes briefly flicked upwards, his lips twitching. “Nice bobble hat by the way.”

Draco felt his cheeks warm up, partially hidden by his scarf. It had been an afterthought really, the hat, snatching it up and shoving it on his head, a tuft of white-blond hair poking out from beneath the burgundy knit. He hadn’t bothered to stop and look at his reflection as he’d left, letting the door swing shut behind him. He just wanted to get out

And now here he was, in a stupid fucking bobble hat, frozen in place not saying a single word.  

Potter shifted awkwardly and nodded past Draco at the door to Puddifoot’s. “Are you going inside? It’s just a bit cold out here and you’re very much blocking the way.”

There wasn’t even the slightest trace of antagonism in his voice, which just made the whole thing worse . Draco should leave. It had been an unfathomably terrible idea to come down here. He didn’t even really like hot chocolate all that much (a bald-faced lie if there ever was one). Besides, Potter was likely here for his date wasn’t he? That must be why he was here. Draco definitely didn’t want to see that (except he actually sort of did). 

Potter stepped closer and this time pointed at the door. “Sorry, do you mind? It’s just – I’m meeting someone and –”

The door to Puddifoot’s swung open, knocking into the dangling chimes above making them both flinch at the sudden interruption and look towards the entrance.

“Hello Harry! Who’s your lovely friend?”

The girl in the doorway had the exact same colour hair as Draco, but it fell in wild unruly curls all around her pale face. Large blue eyes flicked back and forth between them as she waited patiently for a response. 

“Hi Luna, sorry I’m a bit late.” Potter moved forward so they stood side-by-side. “This is Draco Malfoy. Don’t mind him, he’s just taken a mysterious vow of silence.”

Draco glanced quickly at Potter, who not only wasn’t looking at him, but was also very clearly trying not to laugh. He rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to this girl, who was peering at him with fascination.

“Ooh, have you? How tremendously exciting!” Luna reached out and gripped Draco’s arm, her face inexplicably serious and solemn as she stared up at him. “You simply must join us, Draco Malfoy. I want to hear all about it!”

The soft, amused sound beside him was unmistakable as Draco was dragged inside. 

Luna, tiny as she was, steered him towards an empty corner table and bodily shoved him down on the banquette. Potter went to take the chair furthest from Draco, but Luna stopped him. “No no! You should go and sit next to your friend, Harry.”

Potter looked hesitant, but then he was shuffling into the other part of corner banquette, not quite next to Draco, but as close as it was possible to be. Their knees bumped under the table, and Draco found he was quite horrified by the pleasurable little thrum he felt zip up his spine. 

This is fine, this is normal , thought Draco. There is literally nothing weird or awkward about this situation at all. Just have a cup of tea with Potter, your secret text pal who looks entirely too good to be allowed, and his peculiar friend. Completely normal! Ordinary! Boring even!

They removed their coats with minimal awkwardness, only occasionally knocking into each other. Draco unwound his scarf and dropped it onto his lap. He left his hat on because he was still a bit chilly. It had absolutely nothing at all to do with the way Potter would occasionally glance up at it and smile to himself.

Nothing at all. 

“What can I get for you?” Asked Luna. 

Draco reached for the menu but Potter’s hand shot out lightning-fast, his warm and slightly rough fingers wrapping firmly around Draco’s wrist, thumb settling on the pulse-point as he lowered Draco’s hand to the table and held him in place. 



Potter was still looking up at Luna, completely innocent, completely unfazed. “Are you working on anything new?” 

“I have been tinkering with something for WinterFest. Would you like to try it?” Luna’s eyes gleamed as Potter nodded. 

“Sounds great.” He released Draco’s wrist and gave the back of his hand a friendly pat-pat. “Two please.”

Draco ignored the unbearably smug look that Potter sent his way and focused instead on the cafe counter, Luna busying herself behind it, wondering what concoction she would bring them. Something about her demeanour told him to be prepared for anything. How did Potter know her? Did she go to Griffin as well? More likely The Huff, she seemed like the fluffy, artsy type. He’d only ever seen Potter with Weasley, mostly because of football, and Hermione Granger, who was far too clever to be friends with either of them. He never could quite figure that one out, and suddenly felt a desire to ask, to know

Draco turned back to Potter, questions hovering at the forefront of his mind when two things struck him – one: if he spoke, then Potter would definitely know he was Trouble , in which case this could all be over. The end was inevitable, after all. Potter would definitely hate him when he found out the truth, that Draco knew . But...maybe that didn’t have to be today, didn’t have to be now

The other thing was this: Potter had definitely been watching him. 

Draco blinked twice in quick succession at the sight before him: flushed cheeks, flustered pushing-up of sleeves, a sudden fascination with the bowl of sugar cubes in the centre of their table. Draco plucked one out and popped it in his mouth, noting that Potter’s eyes followed every movement, lingering on his lips for a touch too long to be considered totally innocent as Draco sucked on the cube. 


“Are you really not going to talk to me at all?” Potter asked, suddenly meeting his eyes. Draco’s stomach did a giddy little flip as Potter leaned in close, lowering his voice. Fuck he smelled good. Really bloody good. Like soap and mint and something else, something warm and woodsy. It was doing funny things to his brain, like conjuring an image of him burying his face in Potter’s neck. Stupid brain. Stupid Potter smell. “You can’t possibly keep this up.” 

Draco leaned in too, feeling deeply gratified when Potter didn’t immediately pull away. Could he keep this up? Could he pull this off? This Luna was something of an unknown oddity but Potter had already established - probably to his own regret now - that Draco had taken a mysterious vow of silence. In a way, it was perfect. 

Feeling confident and smug, Draco raised an eyebrow, his mouth curving up into a smile as if to say watch me

He could do this! This was going to be easy! He wasn’t ThisCharmingWanker for nothing! 

But then Potter tilted his head, considering Draco for a moment as he ran his thumb back and forth, back and forth over his lower lip. He hummed thoughtfully and after a beat he smiled back at Draco, slow and dangerously wicked. “Alright then, let’s see what you’re made of.”

Draco was pretty certain he had swallowed the remainder of the sugar cube whole as he came to the sudden and abrupt realisation that he was well and truly fucked. 

Luna turned out to be something of a saving grace. “Here we are!” Her lilting sing-song voice pulling their attention properly away from each other. “The Puddifoot’s WinterFest Special! My own recipe.”

Two enormous mugs of... something were placed on the table in front of them. What the actual drink could be was anyone’s guess and Luna didn’t really seem to think it was terribly important to tell them. It was, however, topped with a swirling mountain of whipped cream, tiny pastel pink marshmallows, chocolate chips, crumbled biscuits, raspberries, chopped up bits of After Eight, a generous swirl of toffee sauce and – 

“–is that glitter? ” asked Potter, glancing quickly at Draco and then back at his friend. 

Luna clapped her hands together and grinned. “Isn’t it festive?!” 

“Er, yeah.” Potter nodded, and grinned back at her. “Really festive. Thanks Luna, this looks incredible. Doesn’t it Draco?”


Under the table, Potter nudged at him with his knee. Draco looked up at Luna and nodded vehemently, feeling a strange little swell of contentment when her smile grew impossibly wider. Pleased, she left them alone as a customer headed towards the counter. Draco watched Potter pick up a spoon and pull his drink towards him. 

“Don’t think you’re getting out of this, Malfoy.” Ah, back to Malfoy again. That was reassuringly hostile, even if Potter didn’t sound so in his inflection. “If I have to drink whatever the fuck this is then you do too.”

Potter waved the other spoon at him and Draco took it, pulling his own drink closer and trying to look happy about it. He dug the spoon into the whipped cream and devoured a mouthful, never breaking eye contact with Potter. It was horrifically sweet. Draco licked his lips and said ‘mmm’, smirking when Potter rolled his eyes. 

“It would be just like you to spite-drink that entire thing just to piss me off.” Potter watched as Draco took another mouthful, this time drawing the spoon out much slower. 

“You’re such a prick,” he said, but then he was smiling, and laughing softly, and Draco couldn’t stop himself from smiling back. 

He gestured at Potter’s mug with his spoon, your turn. He tentatively nudged his leg against Potter’s too, and felt a happy little whoosh when it was returned. 

Potter stuck a mouthful in and grimaced before swallowing it down. “Ugh. Fuck I don’t think I can do this. No, I can. I can. It’s fine.”

This time Draco waited as Potter took another mouthful, swallowed, and poked at his cheek. “My teeth hurt already.”

Draco knew he’d be playing a dangerous game with himself if he read anything into this...well, whatever this was. It was all starting to feel a bit like a date. Which was stupid. He and Potter sat here together trying to consume Luna’s sugary madness, sharing little lingering, smiley looks and nudging each other under the table, egging each other on. 

Draco was the first to finally get to the actual drink. His eyes widening in horror because somehow it was even sweeter than the topping and Potter started laughing and his hand landed on Draco’s leg, firm and fucking capable (bloody fucking hell) and Draco could feel himself starting to blush and panic because fuck, what was he doing here? What was he doing with Potter? It was stupid

And brilliant. Really brilliant. He didn’t want it to end. He wanted Potter’s leg nudging up against him all the time. He wanted to try more of Luna’s weird drinks with Potter. He wanted to spoon and watch bake off. And kiss him, soft and sweet, hard and vicious. He wanted all of it.

All of him.

It got easier to distract himself when Luna came back and sat with them properly. It gave him something to focus on as he tried to keep up with what she was saying (which felt a bit like watching an episode of The West Wing set in Middle Earth) instead of the lack of Potter’s hand on his leg (which was shit). 

Everything was going fine until Draco spotted a bit of whipped cream on Potter’s knuckle and for some reasons felt the need to point it out , immediately wanting to smack himself as he was forced to endure Potter licking it off. 

Draco stared down at his own drink and tried not to combust. 

Christ , this was brutal. He should have left when he had the chance. Turned around and fucked off back to school. This was not how he imagined his night going; dealing with Potter licking things off himself leaving Draco to wonder what else that tongue could do. 

Luna turned to him, her eyes owlish and unwavering as she clasped his hand. “Draco, if you’ll permit me, I’d love to know more about your vow of silence.”

He nodded, clearing his throat, grateful not to be thinking about Potter’s tongue anymore (well, he was. But just...a bit less). 

This is fine, he thought. Absolutely fine. Vow of silence. Ready.  

“Is it for religious reasons?”

Draco shook his head, no.  



“Social injustice?”






“To become a better listener?”

Potter snorted. Draco kicked him gently under the table and tried not to notice Potter hiding a smile as he did it back.

He shook his head at Luna again, no. 

“A personal reason?”

He only hesitated for a second, but that was all she needed. Luna’s eyes narrowed immediately. Draco couldn’t stop himself from shooting a worried glance at Potter, who had sat back to watch their interaction. And he was still smiling, the gorgeous wanker. 

“It’s something to do with Harry.” It wasn’t a question, and Luna’s focus on Draco felt intense and unshakeable. This girl was entirely too observant. 

Ding! Ding!

Potter shifted beside him, quickly digging into his pocket. “Sorry, sorry…”

Draco carefully watched Potter unlock his phone and check his incoming message, his face crinkling into something that Draco thought looked like disappointment. 

“Michael’s on his way,” he said, directing his attention to Luna. “I might just go and, er - sit. Over there. I should probably wait for him over there.” 

Potter gestured to the tables closer to the window.

Luna stood, picking up their half-empty mugs. “Okay Harry, can I bring you anything?” 

“A glass of water would be great actually, thanks Luna.” 

“Would you like one as well Draco?” 

He nodded and smiled up at her before she turned and left. 

Potter was getting to his feet too, grabbing his coat. His phone was still visible in his hand, tap-tap-tapping it against his thigh. 

“Sorry, I’ve got to - I’ve got to sort something out.” Potter shook his head. “Not sure why I told you that. Anyway. This was - I don’t know, quite fun actually. Luna likes you. I can’t believe you drank the WinterFest Special.”

Draco made a gesture that said it wasn’t a big deal and smiled, but he knew his heart wasn’t in it. Potter scrubbed a hand through the back of his hair, messing it up a bit. It suited him more, Draco decided, he looked more like himself. Chaotic and messy and beautiful. 


Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go.  

“See you later, Malfoy.” 

Draco offered up a sad little wave, trying not to let his face betray him. 

He must’ve been successful because Potter turned around and walked away without a backwards glance. 

He should go. 

He should just stand up and pay for his drink and leave and forget all about whatever this was. Potter was there waiting for someone else, someone that wasn’t him. And Potter wasn’t even messaging him anymore, not since...that (him as in Trouble anyway, bloody hell this was getting complicated).

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as Potter picked up his phone, put it down, picked it up again. His thumbs skating quickly over the screen. He put it down again. Shook his head. Picked it back up. 

He should definitely go. 

This was starting to get sad. He should go and find Neville, go to the cinema. Get popcorn. Watch the thing. 80s Sci-Fi. He slipped his own phone out of his coat pocket, unlocked it. Nothing new. He hovered over the SSPS Instant Messenger icon and then moved to the text messaging one instead.

This is a bad idea. Very, very bad. Draco no. 

He clicked it open.

Draco yes!

He glanced again at Potter, several seats down, on the other side of the cafe, as far away from Draco as it was possible to be. Be that as it may, Draco still had a very clear view of him, faffing about with his phone, ruffling that feathery black chaos on his head, chewing his lower lip. 

When Draco looked back down at his screen he could see the three tell-tale dots, fading in and out, as Potter typed him a message. 

And then they stopped. 

Draco frowned and looked up. Potter’s phone was on the table in front of him, his fingers tapping the wood either side as if in deliberation. He picked it up again and started thumbing the screen. Draco looked back at his phone.

Three dots. Stop.

Three dots. Stop. 

Three dots. Stop. 

Oh for fucks’ sake.  

Just out of curiosity, are you typing out The Iliad in its original ancient greek? 

Draco barely suppressed a grin when he heard Potter’s quiet laugh across the cafe, but he forced himself not to look up. 

How long have you been watching me type?

Long enough

Something on your mind?

Three dots. 

The door to Puddifoot’s chimed with the sound of a new customer and Draco looked up, his heart sinking as Michael Corner stepped inside and made his way over to Potter.

Chapter Text

Your perfect chaos is a perfect fit

- Tired Pony (Get On The Road)



[18:42 SSPS InstantMessenger]

ThisCharmingWanker: Sorry Neville, not really in the mood for the cinema 

ThisCharmingWanker: Going to head home 

BotanyProwess: I did wonder :-/

BotanyProwess: How was Ps?

ThisCharmingWanker: I strongly advise against the WinterFest Special

BotanyProwess: Haha

BotanyProwess: You must have met Luna

ThisCharmingWanker: ???

ThisCharmingWanker: YOU know Luna? 

BotanyProwess: Yeah

BotanyProwess: She helps me with the peace garden

ThisCharmingWanker: Why didn’t you tell me that? 

BotanyProwess: Why would I?

BotanyProwess: You never seem interested in my gardening stuff…?

ThisCharmingWanker: And that was obviously wrong of me

ThisCharmingWanker: You said someone from RT helps you

BotanyProwess: Luna goes to RT

ThisCharmingWanker: Hm

BotanyProwess: If you’re going to say something mean about her intelligence then you and I are going to have a problem 

ThisCharmingWanker: Having been on your bad side once before I wouldn’t dream of it

ThisCharmingWanker: Besides I rather think her deceptively intelligent 

BotanyProwess: She is :-)

ThisCharmingWanker: Potter was there :-/

ThisCharmingWanker: At Ps

ThisCharmingWanker: He’s friends with Luna too by the way 

BotanyProwess: You talked to him? 

ThisCharmingWanker: Not exactly

ThisCharmingWanker: It’s a stupid story, I’ll explain later 

ThisCharmingWanker: Suffice to say he’s still fucking lovely and I am an idiot 

BotanyProwess: Was it his date tonight? 

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes 

ThisCharmingWanker: He’s on it now 

BotanyProwess: Are you sure? 

ThisCharmingWanker: What are you on about? 

ThisCharmingWanker: I saw them together 

ThisCharmingWanker: They didn’t hug

ThisCharmingWanker: What do you think that means? 

BotanyProwess: Michael is here 

BotanyProwess: By himself 

BotanyProwess: Ooh...

ThisCharmingWanker: What? 

BotanyProwess: He looks properly fucked off 

BotanyProwess: I can’t believe you snogged him 

BotanyProwess: He’s being a bit rude to the staff 

ThisCharmingWanker: I did tell you he was an arsehole

ThisCharmingWanker: Are you sure Harry isn’t there? 

BotanyProwess: It’s ‘Harry’ now is it? 

ThisCharmingWanker: SIGH. Yes.

BotanyProwess: Hmm

ThisCharmingWanker: Don’t ‘hmm’ me

ThisCharmingWanker: I’ll ‘hmm’ you in a bloody minute

ThisCharmingWanker: Maybe I should investigate 

BotanyProwess: Alright Columbo

BotanyProwess: I’ll talk to you later, try to behave yourself ;-)

ThisCharmingWanker: Pfft ‘try’

ThisCharmingWanker: Enjoy the film Neville

BotanyProwess: Thanks we will

ThisCharmingWanker: HE JUST MESSAGED!

ThisCharmingWanker: Wait who’s we? 

> User: BotanyProwess has logged out <


[19:04] Hey, sorry for not replying sooner

[19:04] Had to sort something out

[19:05] You said

[19:05] Everything okay?

[19:06] When d MESSAGE DELETED

[19:07] It is now yeah :-)

[19:08] Good :-) 

[19:09] Wanted to talk to you all day tbh

[19:10] Really? Why didn’t you?

[19:11] Didn’t want to bother you

[19:11] You’re busy catching up with your stuff

[19:12] Oh

[19:12] You can you know

[19:12] Whenever 

[19:13] What? Bother you? :p

[19:13] Yes

[19:14] I might not always reply straight away if I’m caught up with studying 

[19:14] But yes

[19:14] I want you to 

[19:15] Good

[19:16] Besides, economics was incredibly dull without you to keep me company with your incessant rambling 

[19:16] Actually had to pay attention today

[19:16] People tried to talk to me, it was fucking awful

[19:17] Hahaha

[19:17] Is that Trouble-speak for saying you missed me?

[19:18] Fuck off :p

[19:18] Why are you messaging me on your date 

[19:18] Again

[19:19] Not on a date

[19:19] Didn’t really work out, in the end

[19:20] Oh

[19:20] That’s a shame

[19:20] I do hope it wasn’t something I said…?

[19:21] No :p I’m not that shallow

[19:22] I’m just teasing

[19:22] Don’t actually think you are

[19:22] Just trying to work out how guilty I should feel for what I said

[19:22] About him

[19:23] And how guilty do you feel?

[19:24] Well not at all now you’ve let me off the hook ;-)

[19:25] I haven’t let you off anything you cheeky prick ;-)

[19:26] We’ll see

[19:26] Besides, kissing is somewhat subjective

[19:26] You might have been into it

[19:27] Nah don’t think so

[19:27] To be honest I was on the fence about him anyway

[19:27] Didn’t want to mess him about

[19:28] ‘On the fence’

[19:28] Did you phrase it like that?

[19:29] Of course not!

[19:29] I tried to be really nice about it

[19:30] But

[19:31] How do you know there’s a but

[19:32] ‘Tried’ to be really nice about it

[19:32] Implies it might not have ended well…?

[19:33] I thought doing it in person would be better than over the phone, or even in a message. We hadn’t even talked since he asked me out again and I thought well, some people just aren’t big texters and I was trying to be considerate

[19:34] Oh...

[19:34] Yeah...

[19:35] I take it he didn’t agree

[19:35] He did not

[19:36] So what you’re saying is you broke up with him right before the date (or at the start of?)

[19:37] Well when you say it like that it sounds bad

[19:37] It’s not really ‘breaking up’ though if it was just one date

[19:38] One and a bit, technically

[19:39] One and five minutes

[19:40] Five minutes?? You didn’t even let him finish his coffee? Savage

[19:41] Coffee?

[19:42] It was a guess

[19:42] I don’t know what you do on your dates

[19:42] I just went for something fairly common and obvious and boring

[19:43] Right ok

[19:43] Nothing wrong with going for a coffee though

[19:43] With the right person

[19:44] The elusive right person

[19:45] Yeah, not Michael

[19:46] No?

[19:47] It was really confirmed for me when he called me a selfish arsehole and stormed out of Puddifoot’s

[19:48] Ah, how lovely and grown up of him

[19:49] Eh maybe I deserved it

[19:49] You didn’t

[19:49] Mhm

[19:50] You really didn’t and you’re not selfish, don’t let him make you feel that way because he’s got a bruised ego and some hurt feelings

[19:51] Thanks 

[19:51] Are you lying on the Bath Mat of Avoidance feeling sorry for yourself

[19:52] Hahaha no

[19:53] So no spooning needed? 

[19:54] Didn’t say that ;-)

[19:54] Thought you were the little spoon anyway?

[19:55] I said I prefer being the little spoon

[19:55] But I can be the big spoon

[19:55] If you’re having a little spoon moment

[19:56] :-) 

[19:56] The only problem with spooning of course is that I can’t see your devilishly handsome face

[19:57] Hm, and what a tragedy that would be for you

[19:58] What ever will I do

[19:59] I suppose I could tolerate a face-to-face snuggle

[19:59] You’re so brave

[20:00] I know

[20:00] The things I put up with for you

[20:01] Yeah yeah, don’t pretend like you don’t want to snuggle with me too

[20:01] Secret snuggler ;-)

[20:02] Shush you :p

[20:03] What are you doing with yourself tonight then? 

[20:04] My godfather is picking us up some dinner and I think we’re going to watch some crap telly 

[20:05] Do you spend a lot of time with him?

[20:06] I suppose so

[20:06] What would constitute a lot?

[20:07] I don’t know, if it was me I would say any amount of time would be a lot of time

[20:07] Boarding school you know :-)

[20:08] Do you ever get homesick?

[20:09] I did when I first started here

[20:09] I hated it

[20:09] I’d never shared a room before and everything felt a bit overwhelming

[20:09] The manor is fairly big but I’d grown up in it, I was a bit on the small side when I was 11 and Slytherin Prep just felt so huge and terrifying and there were all these weird noises that I wasn’t used to. I think I got lost every day for the first month that I was there 

[20:10] You probably didn’t need to know all that

[20:11] :-) I like it

[20:11] Talking to you like this I mean

[20:11] Feels like an actual conversation

[20:12] I know what you mean

[20:12] You are surprisingly easy to talk to 

[20:13] For a GriffIdiot ;-)

[20:14] You’re hilarious 

[20:14] Thank you

[20:14] I was being sarcastic

[20:15] Bet you’re smiling though

[20:15] Shut up

[20:15] *smug face*

[20:16] *rolls eyes*

[20:17] *pulls you in for a closer snuggle*

[20:18] :-)

[20:18] So

[20:18] The ‘manor’ eh?

[20:18] Just going to casually drop that in there willy-nilly 

[20:19] It’s what my house is called

[20:20] Is it just a house?

[20:20] Or could Batman live there? 

[20:21] Possibly

[20:21] Although he’d have my parents to contend with, so he’d have to attend lots of galas and charity benefits, be able to discuss the FTSE with a measure of enthusiasm and speak french fluently and flawlessly on command

[20:22] You can speak french?

[20:22] Oui

[20:23] Well I walked right into that one

[20:23] Oui ;-)

[20:24] Say something else

[20:24] Wait

[20:24] If I call you would you say something in french to me down the phone?

[20:24] Only if you want to

[20:24] Unless that would be weird

[20:25] What would you like me to say?

[20:25] Anything

[20:26] Dangerous ;-)

[20:26] Alright

[20:26] Whenever you’re ready


Calling: Trouble


“That better not be it.”

“Je suis vraiment content que tu ne sois pas sorti avec lui.”

“Oh my god.”

“Je voudrais pouvoir vous garder.”

“I have to hang up immediately.”

Call Disconnected

[20:29] I hope that was satisfactory

[20:30] Yes

[20:30] But just so you know

[20:30] If you ever do that to me in person

[20:30] You better be prepared for some gratuitous snuggling

[20:31] Hahahaha

[20:31] NSFW snuggling

[20:32] Exactly 

[20:32] So what did you say…?

[20:33] I’m not telling you that

[20:34] What! Come on

[20:34] That wasn’t the deal

[20:34] There was no deal 

[20:35] Then it’s your own silly fault for not making a deal mon amour

[20:36] I know what that one means ;-)

[20:36] I was teasing you

[20:37] Yeah, french teasing 

[20:37] Mon amour

[20:38] Shush you

[20:38] Are you blushing?

[20:38] Shut up

[20:39] I will for now

[20:39] But only because my dinner is getting cold

[20:39] Can we

[20:40] What?

[20:41] Sorry was trying to type one handed 

[20:41] Can we pick this back up in about an hour?

[20:42] Aren’t you spending the evening with your godfather?

[20:42] Crap telly etc

[20:43] Yeah

[20:43] But can I have a bit more time with you after?

[20:43] Yes

[20:44] Good

[20:44] Speak soon

[20:44] Mon amour ;-)

[20:45] Fuck off and eat your dinner x

[20:45] x


[21:58] Sorry, took a bit longer than I expected

[22:03] Argh have I missed you? 

[22:03] Please tell me you aren’t asleep already??

[22:04] No no I’m here

[22:04] Sorry I didn’t hear your first message go I was just getting changed

[22:05] Welcome back :-)

[22:06] Thanks :-)

[22:07] So, where were we?

[22:07] Oh yes, you were blushing

[22:08] I absolutely was not

[22:09] That’s cold

[22:09] I was

[22:10] I don’t believe you

[22:11] You spoke french to me

[22:11] It was...not unpleasant

[22:12] You don’t even know what I said

[22:13] I’ve got to be honest, you probably could’ve recited income tax legislation to me in french and it would’ve sounded like the sexiest fucking thing ever

[22:14] Oh

[22:14] Well now I am blushing

[22:15] Fuck really

[22:16] Yes

[22:17] Neville could make a killing off me if he ever made the smelling salts a proper business

[22:18] Hahahaha

[22:19] Nevilles’ Finest Smelling Salts: For All Your Swooning Needs!

[22:20] Maybe a bit niche

[22:21] Hm you might be right

[22:21] So what did you do with yourself while I was gone?

[22:22] I just read for a bit

[22:23] What are you reading?

[22:24] Harbour by John Ajvide Lindqvist

[22:24] He’s swedish

[22:25] Fuck do you speak swedish too??

[22:26] Haha no

[22:26] It’s translated to english

[22:26] I’ve read it before but it’s so good honestly

[22:27] Are you there…?

[22:29] Yeah sorry 

[22:29] I was just looking it up :-)

[22:30] Does he find his daughter?

[22:30] No don’t tell me

[22:30] I’m just going to download it

[22:31] Wait what

[22:32] You said it was good?

[22:33] It is

[22:34] Then I look forward to reading it :-)

[22:35] :-)

[22:36] I really don’t want to do this

[22:36] But I need to go to sleep

[22:37] :-(

[22:38] If I don’t I’ll just stay up talking to you all night 

[22:38] Which is admittedly really tempting

[22:39] I want you to

[22:39] But I’ve actually got an early start tomorrow too 

[22:40] I really don’t want to go

[22:40] I know

[22:40] I don’t either

[22:41] We can talk tomorrow

[22:41] We better

[22:42] Good night xxx

[22:43] Good night, mon amour xxx


Chapter Text

Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips

We should just kiss like real people do

- Hozier (Like Real People Do)



[07:11] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains: Lads

TheBrains: I know I’m breaking protocol on the group chat acceptable time to send messages

TheBrains: But 

TheBrains: You’re really not going to be late today are you? 

TheBrains: I’m already starting to get a bit of a sweat on 

TheBrains: McG asked me to meet with this Mr Longbottom bloke about some ‘health and safety concerns’ he has before we do anything and it’s thrown my whole schedule for today out the bloody window 

TheBrains: All because I have to appease some pretentious old prat with a clipboard 

TheBrains: And now I feel really, really unprepared 

TheBrains: And I hate feeling unprepared 

TheBrains: Shit

TheBrains: I might need to have a little stress-cry

GingerKing: Right 

GingerKing: First of all, if you want to have a cry then obviously it’s okay to have a cry

GingerKing: But take a big deep breath first

GingerKing: Are you doing it? 

TheBrains: Yeah

GingerKing: Harry?

HPSauce: Big deep breaths, on it 

GingerKing: You’ve got the big folder ready? 

TheBrains: Yeah

GingerKing: You’ve got the little folder as well? 

TheBrains: Yeah

GingerKing: Then it’s going to be brilliant

GingerKing: Because you’re prepared and we’re already wide awake :-) 

HPSauce: Raring to go! 

HPSauce: I’m picking Ron up at 8:30 so we’ll be there in plenty of time :-) 

TheBrains: Ok good

GingerKing: And you’ve already done a full risk assessment

GingerKing: Haven’t you

TheBrains: Yes

TheBrains: I did it twice just in case?

GingerKing: That’s my girl

TheBrains: :-) 

TheBrains: Thanks, I feel a bit better now

GingerKing: :-)

HPSauce: :-)

TheBrains: @HPSauce sorry I meant to ask...did you go on the date in the end or…?

HPSauce: Don’t be silly you’ve got loads on, don’t apologise :p

HPSauce: But no I didn’t :-/ cancelled it 

TheBrains: Aw okay

TheBrains: You alright? 

HPSauce: Yeah

HPSauce: Think he was a bit miffed though so I feel a bit bad about that

TheBrains: I know you wouldn’t have been unkind about it though Harry, I’m sure he’ll be fine

TheBrains: Besides, it’s better that you didn’t lead him on if you’re sure that he isn’t for you…? 

HPSauce: I know

HPSauce: And I am sure

TheBrains: I’ve got to go, I’ll see you at SP at 9!

TheBrains: Please don’t be late! 

HPSauce: We won’t :-) 

GingerKing: We won’t :-) 


[07:18] There has been a development regarding the tunnels

[07:35] And he’s up early again  

[07:35] I have to wonder if you are, in fact, a secret morning person 

[07:36] I could just have nefarious plans today 

[07:37] Yeah? Do they involve being in the library and revising? :p

[07:37] Shush

[07:37] Hahaha

[07:37] You’re up early too

[07:38] Unlike you, I’ve made no such claim about not being a morning person

[07:39] Hm

[07:39] Do you want to know the development or not??

[07:40] I do

[07:40] And spare no detail mon amour 

[07:41] It was a cold, crisp Saturday in November. I, handsome as ever, descended the staircase and entered the great hall, whereupon I spied my good friend Neville, enjoying a slice of toast

[07:42] ‘Whereupon’ 

[07:42] No interrupting

[07:42] It’s getting to the good bit 

[07:43] Oh sorry, the good bit wasn’t you ‘descending the staircase, handsome as ever’?

[07:44] You said spare no detail 

[07:44] You’re right, carry on 

[07:45] So, Neville was eating toast

[07:45] Wait, what were you wearing? 

[07:45] Why does that matter?

[07:46] I’m trying to picture it 

[07:46] Spare no detail remember? 

[07:46] I’m guessing you weren’t in your uniform…? ;-)

[07:47] Jeans and sweatshirt

[07:47] Why did you send that winky face?

[07:48] What colour? 

[07:49] Black and light grey respectively 

[07:49] Pixies t-shirt underneath 

[07:49] They’re a band

[07:49] Explain that winky face please

[07:50] I know who the pixies are :p

[07:50] Also you’re not in your uniform so I don’t need to explain anything

[07:51] That logic literally makes no sense 

[07:51] Have you got some sort of uniform kink? 

[07:52] I might tell you once you’ve finished your story 

[07:53] Neville was out with a girl from the Huff last night

[07:53] Now tell me about your uniform kink

[07:54] Hang on, how is that a development about the tunnels…?

[07:55] Well now we know for certain that he’s seeing someone and she doesn’t go to SP

[07:55] So? Why does that matter? 

[07:56] So, Boarding school with a very strict curfew does tend to lend itself to rather limiting options for relationships outside of said school

[07:56] It’s unusual but it happens, most people here just go out with someone else from here 

[07:56] Or just mess about with each other

[07:57] Oh 

[07:57] How did they meet in the first place?

[07:58] The library believe it or not, some study group thing

[07:58] Who knew the library was such a romantic spot?

[07:59] You love the library ;-)

[08:00] I like it

[08:00] An appropriate amount 

[08:00] Thank you very much 

[08:01] Of course

[08:01] One question though

[08:01] What

[08:01] Ever had a cheeky snog in there?  

[08:02] No 

[08:02] Have you ever wanted to…? 

[08:03] Why don’t you tell me about your uniform kink, and then I’ll answer your question

[08:04] Fine, but it’s not really a kink

[08:04] Just...there’s something quite attractive about a fit bloke in a tie isn’t there

[08:04] Maybe loosened at the neck a bit

[08:04] Imagining alternative uses for said tie

[08:04] Fuck maybe I do have a kink :-/ 

[08:05] Hahaha

[08:05] Well I can’t say I feel quite the same way, but maybe that’s because I actually have to wear one all the time as ‘it would simply not be befitting for a Slytherin gentleman to appear so uncouth in public’

[08:06] Besides, I prefer someone a bit more rough around the edges 

[08:07] Oh my god are you finally telling me your type??

[08:07] A bit of rough eh

[08:07] Grrr ;-)

[08:07] Do you want to snog your bit of rough in the library Trouble? Up against the bookshelves? 

[08:08] Yes

[08:09] Could he be quiet though? That’s the question 

[08:09] It is a library after all, decorum must be maintained 

[08:10] Yeah I bet he could 

[08:10] And I bet he’d make you look really uncouth ;-) 

[08:11] It really is too bad I’m not in the library then 

[08:11] With this hypothetical ‘bit of rough’ 

[08:12] Why aren’t you? Where are you? 

[08:12] Ugh, that sounded gross and stalker-ish 

[08:12] Ignore that :-/

[08:13] Haha, I didn’t think that at all

[08:13] Heating is broken (again) so I’m studying in my room until they fix it

[08:13] Doesn’t sound too bad? At least you’re nice and warm

[08:14] That’s true

[08:14] But there’s a textbook in there I really need, I’ve had it on reserve for a week and it’s just come back in 

[08:14] And less distractions :-/ it’s so tempting to climb back into bed, snuggle up and read for a bit

[08:15] That sounds really nice actually, it’s so cold outside I feel like winter is already here

[08:16] Why are you outside??

[08:16] Warming up my car, going to pick my friend up in a minute

[08:16] Make sure you bundle up

[08:17] Will do mon amour

[08:17] I’ve got a hat and everything ;-)

[08:17] Although snuggling up in bed sounds much more appealing

[08:18] Did you just invite yourself into my bed? 

[08:18] You brought it up

[08:18] I’d be a perfect gentleman

[08:18] To be honest I’d probably just fall asleep if I was all warm and snuggly, you could just read your book in peace

[08:19] Do you snore?

[08:19] I don’t think so

[08:19] How can you not know?

[08:20] I’ve only ever shared a room with my best mate and he sleeps like the dead

[08:20] Last time I stayed over I was coming back in from the loo, I tripped over his bed and fell on the floor and he STILL didn’t wake up. He just flopped over and mumbled something about hurting his knee.

[08:20] I’ve never like slept-slept with someone

[08:20] So I don’t know? 

[08:21] Slept-slept

[08:22] Yes, as opposed to the other kind of sleeping with someone :p

[08:22] I knew what you meant :p

[08:22] What time do you have to go? 

[08:23] Now really :-(

[08:23] Are you trying to get rid of me?

[08:24] Yes

[08:24] Bugger off

[08:24] I’ve got some research to do 

[08:24] “Alternative uses for a slytherin tie”

[08:25] Jfc I’m changing your name back to Trouble

[08:25] Hahaha

[08:25] Talk later? x 

[08:25] Try and stop me xx


[08:54] Group Chat: Golden Trio 

TheBrains: WHERE ARE YOU? 




TheBrains: I THINK




GingerKing: We’re here!!!

GingerKing: Trying to find a parking space with @HPSauce


TheBrains: I NEED YOU 

HPSauce: Please don’t ever just leap out of my car like that again that was fucking terrifying

GingerKing: Soz

GingerKing: ...did it look cool though?

HPSauce: A bit yeah

HPSauce: Ned Stark? Hannah’s boyfriend?

HPSauce: What’s he doing there? 

GingerKing: I don’t know what that means

GingerKing: But if that’s the angry little health and safety prick then yeah

GingerKing: Are you nearly here?

HPSauce: Couldn’t get a space 

HPSauce: Parked in the village and walking up now

HPSauce: Is Mione ok?

GingerKing: She’s holding her own 

GingerKing: > 1 Audio Message Attached <

“ – reckless arboreal damage! Reckless!”

“ – understand your position, Ned, I really do, but – “

– include what is, essentially, a towering inferno – “

“ – think you’re being a tad overdram – “

“ – unbe-fucking-lievable – “

“ – as we’ve already been given permi –”

“ – give a shit to be honest so you can just – “

“ – really isn’t anything you can do sto – “

“ – stand here all day and night, don’t think I bloody won’t – “

“ – rather disproportionate response Ned, and – “

“ – the fuck do you keep calling me NED? It’s NEV – “

“ – fucking guidance rather than behaving like a massive fucking twa – “

GingerKing: ...and that’s where we’re up to really 

HPSauce: Go Mione 

HPSauce: I’m here! 

HPSauce: Wait did he say Neville?



GingerKing: Ah I think she’s won, he’s got that defeated-slightly-scared look 

GingerKing: Fuck she’s so amazing 

TheBrains: @GingerKing thanks?

TheBrains: @HPSauce hurry up we’ve got lots to do 


[09:11] Did you forget we were in the group chat

[09:12] Obviously yes

Chapter Text

Don't run from the coming storm,

No there ain't no use in running

- The Wailing Jennys 



Calling: Mione 

“You’ve reached the voicemail messaging service for HERMIOME GRANGER. Please leave a message after the tone.”  

“It’s Harry. I’m really sorry ‘Mione but I can’t get in and - the receptionist is being really unreasonable and she won’t bel - FUCK’S SAKE JUST LET ME SPEAK TO MY FRIEND - Anyway, everything is fine - well, it’s not. Obviously. Is McGonagall there yet? I’ve been asked to leave the premises. I’m going to message you. Fuck I’m so sorry I’ve let you down. Hopefully I’ll speak to you in a few min - YES, YES I’M LEAVING. YOU CAN SEE ME LITERALLY WALKING AWAY RIGHT NOW - I’ll speak to you in a bit hopefully.” 


[09:32] Group Chat: Golden Trio

HPSauce: Just got back to my car

HPSauce: I didn’t know what else to do

HPSauce: I’m really sorry @TheBrains. I kept telling her to speak to McG or you and she just refused, she threatened to call the police and I didn’t know what to do 

TheBrains: What happened? Are you okay??

HPSauce: That awful receptionist woman banned me from the school! 

HPSauce: She thought I was trespassing 

HPSauce: Trying to damage school property or some rubbish, she ordered me off school premises

TheBrains: Why would she think that???

GingerKing: You were just supposed to walk through to the field you plonker 

HPSauce: I know! 

HPSauce: But I didn’t know how to get through from the main entrance because the minibus always drops us for matches by the changing rooms and I tried looking for someone to ask 

HPSauce: I bumped into that Nott bloke 

HPSauce: From their football team? 

HPSauce: And then that awful woman was there

HPSauce: And he told her he thought I’d fucking broken in 

GingerKing: What the fuck

GingerKing: Because of Saturday??

TheBrains: What??

GingerKing: Harry ‘injured’ him 

HPSauce: I didn’t! 

GingerKing: I know that

GingerKing: Everyone knows that

GingerKing: Even Malfoy would have been pissed off at how much that prick was fussing

TheBrains: Surely you explained why you were there?? 

HPSauce: I did

HPSauce: She didn’t believe me 

HPSauce: Kept asking me why I was accusing Lovely Fucking Theodore of being a liar 

HPSauce: Saying that I had just come back to damage things on purpose, that I was the nasty, vicious sort 

HPSauce: I kind of lost my temper a little bit then

HPSauce: Probably proving her right 

TheBrains: You are neither nasty or vicious

TheBrains: Don’t you EVER think that

HPSauce: Ok :-/

HPSauce: I’m still really sorry it happened, I didn’t want to let you down 

TheBrains: I know, and you haven’t, this isn’t your fault  

HPSauce: But there’s another thing

HPSauce: She said it was a ‘lifetime ban’, which means I wouldn’t be able to come to the fireworks thing either

GingerKing: She can’t do that 

GingerKing: @TheBrains can she? 

TheBrains: No she can’t 

TheBrains: Don’t worry we’ll get it sorted out

TheBrains: I won’t be able to speak to McG until Monday though

TheBrains: She’s not coming today, that’s why I had to meet with Neville instead 

TheBrains: I’m sorry Harry, there isn’t anything I can do right now

HPSauce: Fuck 

HPSauce: Okay

HPSauce: I’m so sorry 

GingerKing: Just me now mate

GingerKing: Mione’s trying to get hold of McG 

GingerKing: You haven’t done anything wrong okay?  

HPSauce: I shouldn’t have lost my temper

GingerKing: Don’t beat yourself up about that 

GingerKing: I would have too

GingerKing: Don’t know what Nott thinks he’s playing at though

HPSauce: Looked pretty pleased with himself tbh 

GingerKing: He’s a dickhead

GingerKing: You barely grazed him

GingerKing: Malfoy would’ve just kicked you back 

TheBrains: Malfoy would’ve tackled you to the ground and made it look like it was your fault 

GingerKing: Ah those were the days 

TheBrains: I know I don’t really know anything about football, but it really felt like something was missing when he wasn’t playing last week wasn’t there? 

TheBrains: Think that’s what made the Griffin/Slytherin matches so fun to watch 

HPSauce: What do you mean 

TheBrains: You always seemed so hyper aware of each other 

TheBrains: I don’t know what I mean 

HPSauce: Okay…?

GingerKing: We need to go mate

GingerKing: Very busy

TheBrains: So busy

GingerKing: The busiest 

TheBrains: Talk to you later Harry

TheBrains: I’ve left a message with McG, try not to worry 

GingerKing: And try not to get yourself into any more TROUBLE 

HPSauce: Hilarious. 


[09:53] Did you go back to bed, or are you being good and studying? 

[09:54] Trying to be good ;-) 

[09:55] Hahaha

[09:55] I don’t suppose you’d be free for a quick call…?

[09:56] Yeah?

Calling: Trouble, mon amour 



“You okay?”

“Yeah, I just - wanted to say hello.”

“...what’s wrong?” 


“You sound off.”

“I just - I had a not-great morning. It’s nothing serious, just a bit annoying really. It’s stupid. I feel stupid.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Definitely not.”

“ there anything I can do to make you feel better?” 

“ to me? For a little while? I feel a bit pissed off and wound up and I don’t want to drive just yet.”

“You’re in your car?” 

“Yeah. In Hogsmeade. Where are you?”

“In my room.”

Where in your room though?”

“I’m lying on my bed. Would you like to know the colour of my sheets?”

“Haha yeah, go on then.”

“Pale blue.”

“Good colour on you.”

How could you possibly know that?” 

“I don’t, I’m just trying to be charming.” 

“Hm. Is it busy in Hogsmeade?” 

“Not particularly.”

“I hope it snows soon.”

“You like the snow.”

“Is that a question?”

“Just an observation.”

“I do like the snow. It’s probably my favourite thing about going to boarding school in Scotland. We don’t really get proper snow where I’m from, not like here.”

“Where are you from?”


“Bloody hell, that’s so far away. No wonder you get homesick.” 

“Well, not so much anymore. I do miss my mother quite a bit, she writes to me every other week though.”

“That’s really nice.”

“Haha you think so? I used to get teased mercilessly for it. Especially when she sent me expensive, fancy chocolates on my birthday.”

“Neville teased you?”

“Good grief no, Neville isn’t like that at all. And we weren’t really friends back then. But no, he’d never tease me about something like that.” 

“What would he tease you about?”

You probably.”

“Haha, what do you mean?”

“Ugh nothing, never mind.”

“Tell me.”


“You sound flustered.”

“Fuck off.”

You fluster me.

“I do not.”

“You really fucking do, Trouble. Just don’t start speaking french, I’m out in public.”

“Well now I’m tempted.”

“You’re evil.”

“Hm, and trouble. You should stay away if you know what’s good for you.”

“I try my best but somehow trouble finds me anyway.”

“I guess you’re fucked then.”

“Looks that way.”

“Are you feeling better?” 

“Yeah. Job well done mon amour.”

“Happy to be of service.”

“I’ll let you go.”

“Oh. You don’t -“

“Yeah, I do. You need to get back to work and I should go home.”

“I hate it when you’re sensible. I much prefer you inviting yourself over to snuggle.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t like it either.”


“We’ll talk later, promise.”


“See ya trouble, be good.”

“Jusqu'à la prochaine fois mon amour.”

“You fu -“

Call Disconnected


[11:37 SSPS InstantMessenger]

BotanyProwess: What are you doing? 

ThisCharmingWanker: Studying

BotanyProwess: Library still closed?

ThisCharmingWanker: Going to check in a minute

ThisCharmingWanker: How’s the protest? 

BotanyProwess: I’ve had to concede defeat in the face of adequately prepared risk assessments 

ThisCharmingWanker: Haha

ThisCharmingWanker: My condolences   

BotanyProwess: This lot aren’t bad though

BotanyProwess: You should come down, get a bit of fresh air 

ThisCharmingWanker: Hm no

ThisCharmingWanker: Too cold 

BotanyProwess: (typing)

BotanyProwess: Ok

ThisCharmingWanker: What?

BotanyProwess: One of them was talking about a little five-a-side when this is done 

BotanyProwess: Thought you might want to come down and play 

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

BotanyProwess: I know you miss it 

ThisCharmingWanker: I’m busy 

BotanyProwess: I need you

BotanyProwess: Otherwise I’ll be stuck with Theo 

ThisCharmingWanker: :-/

ThisCharmingWanker: Also, YOU’RE playing???

BotanyProwess: Don’t act so surprised :p

ThisCharmingWanker: Pleasantly surprised

ThisCharmingWanker: You’re good on defence 

ThisCharmingWanker: I don’t know why you don’t play for the school

BotanyProwess: Hm, don’t love it like you do :-) 

ThisCharmingWanker: Did*

BotanyProwess: :-/

BotanyProwess: It’s not because of him is it? 

ThisCharmingWanker: Ffs I didn’t leave the team because of Theo 

BotanyProwess: I know you didn’t 

BotanyProwess: I’m sorry that’s not what I meant 

BotanyProwess: I just wondered if that’s something that was stopping you from what is supposed to be a bit of fun on a Saturday afternoon

BotanyProwess: If so then you shouldn’t worry about it

BotanyProwess: You should worry about me instead

BotanyProwess: Being on a team with your ex 

BotanyProwess: He’s been a right useless prick today and all, wanted to be on ‘supervisory duties’ so as not to ‘aggravate’ his injury from Saturday courtesy of your man

ThisCharmingWanker: Harry didn’t injure him wtf is he talking about?? 

BotanyProwess: I know, that tall ginger lad already had a go at him 

ThisCharmingWanker: What tall ginger lad

BotanyProwess: Griffin goalie 

ThisCharmingWanker: Weasley?

BotanyProwess: Yeah? 

ThisCharmingWanker: You need to learn people’s names 

BotanyProwess: I will

BotanyProwess: I’ve been introduced to a lot of people today though, it’s hard to keep up

BotanyProwess: Besides you knew who I was talking about and you’re the only person at school I have any actual interest in talking to anyway so 

ThisCharmingWanker: Hm, I’m honoured 

ThisCharmingWanker: Who else is there 

ThisCharmingWanker: From Griffin 

BotanyProwess: Is Harry here do you mean ;-) 

ThisCharmingWanker: Well

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes

ThisCharmingWanker: Is he? 

BotanyProwess: No

BotanyProwess: I get the feeling he was supposed to be though? The tall ginger one said something about it 

BotanyProwess: Not quite sure what happened there 

BotanyProwess: Maybe you should ask him?

ThisCharmingWanker: How? He never even mentioned anything about coming here today

ThisCharmingWanker: I wonder why he didn’t 

BotanyProwess: Probably didn’t want you to feel pressure about potentially meeting up

BotanyProwess: He still thinks you don’t know who he is right? 

ThisCharmingWanker: I think so? 

BotanyProwess: ???

BotanyProwess: What? 

ThisCharmingWanker: You’ll probably think I’m reading too much into this 

ThisCharmingWanker: This morning when we were talking he said he was outside waiting for his car to warm up because he was going to pick up his friend. I told him to dress warmly because it was cold and he said he would, that he even had a hat on 

ThisCharmingWanker: And yesterday, when I bumped into him outside Ps, he made a comment about my hat

ThisCharmingWanker: He said “nice bobble hat”

ThisCharmingWanker: And he kept smiling at me 

ThisCharmingWanker: At the hat I mean 

BotanyProwess: The burgundy bobble hat?

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes

BotanyProwess: Ah that hat does suit you to be fair 

BotanyProwess: Even though it’s mine 

ThisCharmingWanker: ANYWAY

ThisCharmingWanker: Don’t you think it’s weird that he should mention a hat at all? Why not gloves? Or a scarf? Or a coat?? 

ThisCharmingWanker: He’s got this lovely blue pea coat 

BotanyProwess: Yes

BotanyProwess: You have mentioned the pea coat

BotanyProwess: Once or twice :p

ThisCharmingWanker: It’s a nice coat. 

BotanyProwess: “fucking hell Nev, the things I would do to him in that coat if he let me” 

ThisCharmingWanker: I sincerely hate you 

BotanyProwess: Hahaha

BotanyProwess: Well, what else did he say this morning? Anything suspicious? 

ThisCharmingWanker: No

ThisCharmingWanker: Nothing else suspicious apart from the hat thing 

BotanyProwess: What did you talk about 

ThisCharmingWanker: Not important 

BotanyProwess: So flirting then 

ThisCharmingWanker: Maybe 

ThisCharmingWanker: Which makes me think I am reading too much into the hat comment? If he knew who I was he wouldn’t be flirting at all

BotanyProwess: I think by itself the hat comment seems innocent enough, despite your date yesterday 

ThisCharmingWanker: It wasn’t a date 

BotanyProwess: Yeah okay :p except for the fact that it sounded like the most date-y non-date ever 

ThisCharmingWanker: I didn’t even speak to him 

BotanyProwess: Well you should have 

ThisCharmingWanker: I know 

ThisCharmingWanker: I want to tell him 

ThisCharmingWanker: I just need a bit more time 

BotanyProwess: You want* more time you mean 

ThisCharmingWanker: I know I’m being selfish 

BotanyProwess: A bit yeah

ThisCharmingWanker: You’re not supposed to agree, you’re supposed to be my friend 

BotanyProwess: I am being your friend 

BotanyProwess: If you want an agreeable lackey you know where to go

ThisCharmingWanker: Thanks

BotanyProwess: I’m not trying to be a dick Draco 

ThisCharmingWanker: I know

ThisCharmingWanker: That was a genuine thanks

ThisCharmingWanker: I appreciate your candor 

ThisCharmingWanker: You’re a good friend 

BotanyProwess: Stop stealing my hat then :p

ThisCharmingWanker: I’ll do no such thing 

ThisCharmingWanker: Besides, it looks better on me, you said so yourself 

BotanyProwess: Hahaha 

BotanyProwess: Will you at least think about coming down? 

ThisCharmingWanker: I will think about it 

BotanyProwess: You’ve got 20 minutes :-)

ThisCharmingWanker: I didn’t say yes yet Neville 

> User: BotanyProwess has logged out <


[15:11] Group Chat: Golden Trio

GingerKing: @HPSauce pub? 

HPSauce: Maybe? I don’t know if I’m up for it tonight tbh 

TheBrains: Or we could come to yours? We haven’t had a food and film night for ages 

HPSauce: Want to stay over? Pads is on night shift so would be good to have the company :-) 

TheBrains: YES

GingerKing: YES! 

GingerKing: And we need to celebrate! 

TheBrains: It certainly was a very strange turn of events 

HPSauce: You got everything done? 

GingerKing: Of course! 

GingerKing: Didn’t even need you in the end :-) 

GingerKing: BUT that’s not what we’re talking about - afterwards Viktor organised a little impromptu footie match and it was BRILLIANT 

TheBrains: Ron picked Malfoy for his team

HPSauce: You did? 

GingerKing: He was the best player there 

GingerKing: I’m not an idiot

TheBrains: My personal highlight was Ron shouting ‘YES MALFOY YOU HANDSOME BASTARD!’

HPSauce: Wtf???

GingerKing: You should’ve seen it Harry

GingerKing: Fucking spectacular goal 

GingerKing: Nott was fuuuuming

GingerKing: And Malfoy almost took him out at one point 

GingerKing: It was savage 

TheBrains: I thought they were friends...?

GingerKing: Well they’re definitely not now. Nott said something to him right before the tackle and looked stupidly smug and Malfoy got this cold look on his face like he already knew he was going to fuck him up

GingerKing: I’ll tell you all about it when we get there 

TheBrains: See you soon Harry! Can’t wait :-) 

HPSauce: :-) 

Chapter Text


[15:11 SSPS InstantMessenger] 

> User: BotanyProwess has logged in <

BotanyProwess: Draco

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

BotanyProwess: Are we going to talk about The Theo Incident 

ThisCharmingWanker: What is there to talk about 

BotanyProwess: What did he say to you

ThisCharmingWanker: Nothing of consequence

BotanyProwess: I think his pride would disagree

BotanyProwess: And his split lip

ThisCharmingWanker: Hm

BotanyProwess: His left eye looks a bit puffy too

ThisCharmingWanker: Well

ThisCharmingWanker: Football can be a very violent sport

BotanyProwess: What did you say to him afterwards?

ThisCharmingWanker: Nothing

BotanyProwess: Draco

BotanyProwess: I saw you whisper something in his ear after you helped him up

BotanyProwess: He looked a bit worried to be honest, right before he stormed off anyway 

ThisCharmingWanker: Maybe that’s just what his face looks like 

ThisCharmingWanker: Who can possibly say? 

BotanyProwess: Fine 

BotanyProwess: Just be careful yeah? 

BotanyProwess: Don’t think he’s likely to forget this in a hurry

ThisCharmingWanker: Good.

ThisCharmingWanker: But thanks

ThisCharmingWanker: And thanks for getting me to play today

BotanyProwess: Any time, thanks for winning. I guess you weren’t totally shit ;-) 

> User: BotanyProwess has logged out <


[15:41] Is sourdough posh?

[15:42] …hi? 

[15:42] Why are you asking me this

[15:43] Hi :-)

[15:43] You’re posh?

[15:43] I’m in the supermarket

[15:43] I need an expert opinion

[15:43] My friends have abandoned me in the bakery bit to look at crisps with the instructions of “sourdough is so posh, can’t you just get normal bread for normal toast for once?” and “yeah, if you bloody love sourdough so much why don’t you marry it?”

[15:44] I don’t like sourdough

[15:44] What 

[15:44] Oh no mon amour you break my heart :-(

[15:44] It’s too chewy

[15:44] Yeah, chewy and delicious

[15:45] I don’t like that it can be made from something that’s been sat in a jar for literal years

[15:46] It has longevity 

[15:46] Ugh 

[15:47] Well now I’m worried

[15:47] What will you eat if I make you breakfast one day?

[15:48] If my only two options are sourdough or nothing then you are a terrible breakfast host and frankly I’m well shot of you

[15:48] Why are you hypothetically making me breakfast anyway

[15:49] If you should ever stay over

[15:50] Why am I staying over?

[15:51] You said it gets cold in the castle 

[15:51] What castle 

[15:51] SP is quite castle-y looking

[15:51] I bet it has ghosts 

[15:52] Haunting the secret tunnels?

[15:52] Oh god don’t say that

[15:52] Now I won’t be able to go in on my own

[15:53] Hang on, why are you on your own? What about me?? I thought it was our secret mystery adventure? 

[15:53] It is

[15:53] You’ll be meeting me halfway from the other side obviously :p

[15:54] That doesn’t make sense

[15:54] What? Why?

[15:54] We don’t know where they lead, how would you get in from the other side?

[15:54] We know there’s that one that leads to Hogsmeade

[15:55] We don’t know anything at all and Hogsmeade is quite big, I’m sure the entire village isn’t masking a secret entrance to Slytherin Prep

[15:56] Damn you might be right

[15:56] I had this whole thing planned out in my head of us meeting in the tunnels and you’ve just shit on it with logic

[15:57] Hahaha you did?

[15:57] Sorry mon amour 

[15:57] It was a nice idea…?

[15:58] ‘Nice’!

[15:58] In that case we’re definitely not doing it 

[15:58] Hmph

[15:59] Are you sulking

[15:59] Shush


[20:11] Will you tell me anyway? 

[20:14] Tell you what?

[20:14] What happens in your head when we meet in the tunnels

[20:15] Hmm...

[20:15] Ok one sec

[20:17] Well

[20:17] Sometimes we go back out to Hogsmeade, so you can sneak out and pretend you’re a rebel ;-)

[20:18] Fuck off :p

[20:18] Hahaha

[20:19] I’m not sure I want to find the tunnels if all I’m going to do is traipse around Hogsmeade in the middle of the night 

[20:19] For a start, it’s very cold 

[20:19] My phone is showing that it’s currently 2 degrees outside 

[20:20] Hm 

[20:20] If only there was somewhere warm and cosy you could go 

[20:20] Oh well

[20:21] Clever 

[20:21] ;-) 

[20:21] Besides sometimes we don’t go back out to Hogsmeade

[20:22] Where do we go if we don’t go back out to Hogsmeade

[20:23] Into SP

[20:23] And you show me around

[20:23] Someone might see us

[20:24] It’s night time

[20:24] Everyone’s in bed already

[20:25] Someone might hear us

[20:25] Then we’ll have to be quiet won’t we

[20:26] What would you like to see on this grand tour of SP then

[20:26] Library

[20:26] You spend so much time in there, I’d want to see what all the fuss is about 

[20:27] And there was me thinking you’d say my room

[20:27] You like the library more than your room :-)

[20:27] Besides, Neville’s in there

[20:28] What if he wasn’t

[20:29] Then I suppose I’d let you show me that too

[20:29] Oh you’d ‘let’ me would you? How gracious 

[20:29] ;-) 

[20:30] “This is my room. The End.”?

[20:30] Hm, no that’s not the end 

[20:30] No?

[20:30] No

[20:30] But

[20:31] Frustratingly, I’m going to have put this conversation on hold for another time Trouble :-/

[20:31] My friends are staying over and I should get back to them

[20:31] Sorry I should have said before 

[20:30] No you shouldn’t have, you do have an actual real life outside of our messages :p

[20:31] Still wanted to talk to you though :-/

[20:31] Go have fun with your friends idiot, I’ll talk to you tomorrow x

[20:32] Can I call you before I go to bed? It is Saturday after all

[20:32] Do I need to point out that we’ve already talked today?

[20:32] Is that a no?

[20:33] No, it’s not a no

[20:33] Xx


[23:11] Calling: Trouble, mon amour


“Did I wake you up?”


“You’re a terrible liar.”

“M’not. M’very deceptive.”

“Hahaha, okay then.”

“I am. I could work for MI-5. Like James Bond.”

“I think that’s MI-6, love.”

“Oh. Hm. Alright then.”

“Sleep time.” 

“If you say so.”

“I do say so.”

“Now who’s bossy?” 

“Still you.”

“Well yes. Quite.”

“But I’m overruling you just this once.”

“Mm. I’m alright with you over me.”

“... What .”

“Overruling me.”




“I meant-.”


“... shut up …”

“Are you getting flustered again?”

“Oh my god.”


“Fine. Yes , alright? You fucking fluster me. Happy now?”

“Very. I can finally go to sleep a happy man.” 


“I hope you don’t wake Neville up with your flustering.”

“He’s asleep already. And he’s got his headphones in.”


“I - uh. Just mentioned that you” 

“You’ve gone all quiet.”

“So have you.”


“Is - is us meeting something you’ve thought about? You said about the tunnels but -“

“Yeah. It is. I really want to meet you in person. Properly.”


“Do you want to meet me?”


“Fuck, really ?” 

“You sound surprised, haha.”

“More pleased than anything. When can we meet?”

“Oh - uh, I don’t know?”

“I can’t tomorrow - or, well today I suppose.”

“There’s always the fireworks thing.”

“Too many people. Sunday? Then it can just be you and me.”

“A week tomorrow.”

“A week today, technically.”

“You and me.”

“Meeting up.”

“In person.”

“Put it in your calendar Trouble and use a pen. Next Sunday: Meeting Relentlessly Annoying Dickhead .”

“That’s not what you’re saved as in my phone anymore.”

“What am I saved as?”

“I’m not telling you that.”

“Tell me on Sunday.”

“Maybe. If you’re good.”

“Hm, I can be good.”

“We’ll see about that.” 

“S’ok I think I know what it is.”

“You do, hm?”

“Perfect Arse.”



“Well now it is.”


“I’m going to sleep, you and your perfect arse should do the same.”

“Alright Trouble, sweet dreams.”


> Call Disconnected < 


[23:57] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains: @HPSauce So, about your texting friend

GingerKing: @TheBrains I thought you were going to ease into it? 

TheBrains: @GingerKing This is me easing into it 

HPSauce: Is this an intervention? 

TheBrains: No! Of course not!

TheBrains: Maybe

TheBrains: We’re just...concerned

GingerKing: ‘We’???

TheBrains: You said he could be some weirdo trying to indoctrinate Harry into some kind of cult? 

GingerKing: Yeah as like a worst case scenario! 

GingerKing: I also said he could be a serial killer 

TheBrains: That’s obviously worse than being in a cult 

GingerKing: Is it? 

GingerKing: I think I’d rather be murdered than in a cult tbh 

GingerKing: All those boring cult-y rules to follow, you’d have to wear robes or something and you’d probably end up dead anyway, or like psychologically messed up

GingerKing: Just murder me and be done with it 

TheBrains: Hm, you make a good point actually 

GingerKing: It’s been known to happen 

HPSauce: Shall I come back at a later time or…? 

TheBrains: Sorry

TheBrains: I* am concerned

TheBrains: Well, sort of

TheBrains: Mostly curious with just like the tiniest bit of concern 

HPSauce: Ask what you want to ask Mione 

TheBrains: Where is this going? 

TheBrains: I mean, you obviously like him, or like talking to him. Your face when he messaged you tonight Harry. Honestly you could barely hold the smile in. Are you just going to text him forever?

HPSauce: Would that be so terrible? 

TheBrains: YES

GingerKing: FUCK YES


HPSauce: “we”?

GingerKing: Fucking hell mate yes “we”

GingerKing: We talk about it all the time! 

TheBrains: Not all the time

GingerKing: A significant amount of time then 

HPSauce: Don’t worry 

HPSauce: We’ve got a date :-) 

Chapter Text


[08:24 SSPS InstantMessenger] 

> User: ThisCharmingWanker has logged in <

ThisCharmingWanker: I’m going to meet Harry next Sunday

BotanyProwess: Fucking finally

BotanyProwess: <3 

ThisCharmingWanker: Stop that

ThisCharmingWanker: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. I still haven’t told him I’m me. He still thinks we’re strangers.

BotanyProwess: Mhm 

BotanyProwess: What about your little bobble hat theory?

ThisCharmingWanker: That was tenuous at best Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: Besides I can’t figure out when he would’ve been able to figure it out

ThisCharmingWanker: I’ve been careful

BotanyProwess: Hm

BotanyProwess: Anyway

BotanyProwess: This is a good thing 

ThisCharmingWanker: What if he hates me

ThisCharmingWanker: After all this

BotanyProwess: Why are you so sure he’s going to hate you? 

ThisCharmingWanker: Because I lied! And he’s one of those honest, noble sorts 

ThisCharmingWanker: Like a knight 

BotanyProwess: Oh my god

BotanyProwess: When this is all over I am absolutely going to rip the piss out of you for calling him a fucking knight  

BotanyProwess: But really I think it’s going to be fine

ThisCharmingWanker: That’s it? That’s all you have to say? 

BotanyProwess: Pretty much yeah 

ThisCharmingWanker: Hmph. 

BotanyProwess: I’ve got to go and meet Hannah

BotanyProwess: Try not to overthink this too much Draco

ThisCharmingWanker: I’m already overthinking this Neville

BotanyProwess: That's why I added the ‘too much’ ;-)


[10:14] Want to keep me company while I make breakfast for my friends? 

[10:15] What are you making?

[10:16] I’ve got sausage and bacon, some tiger bread rolls and tesco finest orange juice (with bits) 

[10:16] Probably will do a big thing of fresh coffee too 

[10:17] That sounds really good 

[10:17] :-) 

[10:17] What are you doing? 

[10:18] The library is finally back open

[10:18] But someone has taken my book out :-/

[10:19] WHAT

[10:19] Unbelievable

[10:19] Who was it

[10:19] I’ll fight them for you, for your honour


[10:20] You’re ridicul MESSAGE DELETED 

[10:20] You’re like a knight

[10:21] At your service ;-)

[10:22] I shall bestow a favour upon thee good sir

[10:22] Woah this just got kicked up a notch

[10:22] Can’t say I’m displeased ;-) 

[10:23] Not that kind of favour :p

[10:23] Medieval ladies would give knights a token of affection like a handkerchief or a ribbon

[10:23] Sometimes a sleeve

[10:23] Even a pillow

[10:24] A sleeve?

[10:24] They were detachable

[10:24] Hm

[10:24] I could use an extra pillow if I’m honest

[10:25] Absolutely not

[10:25] You just said!

[10:26] They’re mine

[10:25] They’re 400 thread count and monogrammed with my initials 

[10:26] What...

[10:27] Are they really monogrammed

[10:27] Yes


[10:30] If you’re just going to mock me then your plebeian head is not coming anywhere near my pillows

[10:31] Fine

[10:31] Pillows plural?

[10:32] Yes

[10:32] I have four

[10:33] You have FOUR fancy fucking monogrammed pillows and you can’t bestow upon me ONE?

[10:34] Two are spares

[10:34] For rotation

[10:34] You really should rotate your pillows you know

[10:34] And you’ve not done anything to earn a bestowment yet 

[10:35] I fucking will

[10:35] You’ll see ;-) 

[10:36] Why did that come across as vaguely threatening 

[10:37] It’s only threatening to the person who took your book

[10:38] ‘tis a pity they’ll never know then really

[10:38] What’s it called

[10:38] Your book

[10:39] Oh no

[10:39] This isn’t like the strudel thing

[10:39] Not that I didn’t love that

[10:39] Good :-) 

[10:39] Title of your book please

[10:39] Chop chop Trouble

[10:40] You can’t just buy it and have it sent it here 

[10:40] That’ll be cheating

[10:40] You have to get the actual book I was meant to get 

[10:41] That’s fine

[10:41] Tricky, but not impossible

[10:42] You really think you can pull this off don’t you

[10:43] Faint heart never won fair gentleman ;-)

[10:45] You are annoyingly charming sometimes

[10:45] Fine

[10:45] Transformative Transmutations and Metaphysical Physics: A Brief History of Alchemy 

[10:46] Fucking hell what

[10:46] Haha

[10:47] Right ok

[10:47] Breakfast is ready

[10:47] Enjoy :-) 

[10:47] Talk to you later x

[10:47] x

[12:31] Might not be until very late by the way, about to head out with the godfather for the day and not sure when we’ll be back 

[12:32] What? 

[12:33] About talking to you later?

[12:33] I’m not sure what time we’ll be back but it’ll probably be late 

[12:33] I’m not going to wake you up again

[12:33] Even if I wanted to 

[12:33] Also I’m very aware of not pissing off your best friend/roommate

[12:34] Even if he’s wearing headphones 

[12:35] Tbh I think he was just mildly concerned to be listening in on our talk of spanking from the other day 

[12:36] Hahahahaha

[12:36] ;-)

[12:36] Better make sure he’s out next time then

[12:37] He’s out at the moment

[12:38] I’d tell you to go back up to your room right now if you weren’t busy studying very, very hard

[12:39] Yes I am

[12:39] Differential equations

[12:40] You say the filthiest things ;-)

[12:41] Hahaha

[12:41] Fuck off now, we’re both busy

[12:42] Later? x

[12:42] Yes later x


[19:45 SSPS InstantMessenger]

> User: ThisCharmingWanker has logged in <

ThisCharmingWanker: Have you seen my phone? I left it charging on my desk after lunch

BotanyProwess: Nope

BotanyProwess: Just heading back now

BotanyProwess: Want me to bring you back something from Ps?

ThisCharmingWanker: No thanks

ThisCharmingWanker: You’ve been gone all day?

BotanyProwess: Yeah I told you I was going out?

ThisCharmingWanker: Did you move things around on my desk? Were you looking for something?

BotanyProwess: No?

BotanyProwess: What’s going on?

ThisCharmingWanker: Hang on

ThisCharmingWanker: Nvm

ThisCharmingWanker: Found my phone

BotanyProwess: Where was it

ThisCharmingWanker: Fell on the floor

BotanyProwess: Talk to Harry today?

ThisCharmingWanker: A bit, that’s why I left it up here

ThisCharmingWanker: He’s distracting

BotanyProwess: Not necessarily a bad thing

ThisCharmingWanker: I guess we’ll see this time next week


[21:37] Going to bed now, I’ll talk to you tomorrow x

[22:56] Sorry mon amour, fell asleep in the car on the way home

[22:56] Sweet dreams x





Subject: Student ban


One of the volunteer students that was supposed to help with the fireworks event was not permitted to enter Slytherin Prep premises on Saturday morning. There seems to have been a misunderstanding that he was ‘trespassing’ with the intent to destroy school property. This is preposterous. Harry Potter is an exemplary student and I have the utmost confidence that he was simply looking for the way through to get to the school field. 

I would ask that you lift the ban effective immediately allowing him to support the volunteer team with the firework display as planned this coming Saturday.






Subject: FW: Student ban

Dear Headmistress McGonagall,

Thank you for your email regarding the security and safety of my school. I will investigate the matter in due course.

Yours Sincerely,

Severus Snape


Salazar Slytherin Preparatory School




Subject: FW: FW: Student ban


What is there to investigate exactly? 





Subject: FW: FW: FW: Student ban


Pick up your phone.





Subject: FW: FW: FW: FW: Student ban


Hope the parking has improved at SP, just on my way now. 





Subject: Good news


Saturday has been taken care of. If you encounter any further issues please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Minerva McGonagall




Subject: FW: Good news

Thank you! 



[11:12] GroupChat: Golden Trio

HPSauce: @TheBrains McG came through, all sorted for Saturday :-) 

TheBrains: Thank fuck for that

GingerKing: Woohoo! 

GingerKing: Never doubt the magical powers of Minnie McG 

TheBrains: Please call her that to her face

GingerKing: @TheBrains is that a dare? ;-)

TheBrains: @GingerKing double dare ;-)

TheBrains: @HPSauce you must be relieved your meet-up can go ahead?

HPSauce: We’re meeting on Sunday actually

TheBrains: What! So we’re not even going to see it happening?

HPSauce: Hence why we’re meeting on Sunday :p

TheBrains: What are you going to do then? 

HPSauce: Haven’t really talked about that yet 

HPSauce: I’m a bit nervous about it actually

TheBrains: Why?

HPSauce: He’s really posh and fancy, what if he’s expecting something posh and fancy?

TheBrains: Harry

TheBrains: Is this meet-up like an actual date?

HPSauce: No

HPSauce: I don’t know

HPSauce: Fuck

HPSauce: Maybe?

GingerKing: Mate

GingerKing: You should know

GingerKing: Maybe talk to him about it? Seems like you talk to him about everything else

HPSauce: Yeah ok

GingerKing: @TheBrains now about this double dare, name your terms Granger

TheBrains: @GingerKing I was joking :p

GingerKing: @TheBrains Come on ;-)

TheBrains: @GingerKing You have to do it in front of me by the end of the week otherwise you have to come round and help me make the bavarian sugar cookies on Saturday morning

GingerKing: @TheBrains you’ve got yourself a deal


[12:27] About Sunday

[12:27] Let’s make a plan :-)

[12:49] Can I text you later?

[12:50] Sure

[12:50] You okay?

[12:51] Can’t find my EPQ folder

[12:51] I’ve got a project meeting with my mentor at 3 to go over my progress and it’s just fucking gone

[12:52] Shit

[12:52] Can I do anything

[12:53] No

[12:53] I’ll talk to you later ok

[12:53] Yeah course


[12:54] EPQ is a lot of work right

[12:55] Yeah if you want a good mark

[12:55] Can’t remember the last time I slept more than six hours tbh

[12:55] Actually I slept pretty well at yours so thanks for that :-)

[12:56] No problem

[12:56] Any time

[12:57] You might be a bit late if you’re thinking of taking it on though :-/ 

[12:58] I’m not

[12:58] He’s doing it

[12:58] Just wondered what the workload was like

[12:59] Depends what else he’s doing I suppose, and what his actual project is on

[12:59] Planning it out takes up a lot of work too, you have to provide evidence and it all needs to be approved by your project mentor

[13:00] Thanks

[13:01] Don’t worry so much about what you’re going to do on Sunday by the way, if you like each other it really won’t matter at all

[13:01] Promise

[13:02] Thanks

[13:03] Though it would be lovely to meet under the sparkly colourful fireworks

[13:03] Nice try :p


[14:57] Did you find your folder? Good luck in your meeting x

[19:49] Are you free to talk?

[19:50] Fuck yes

Calling: Trouble, mon amour


“What happened?”

“I couldn’t find it anywhere. I managed to postpone the meeting by a week but she’s still expecting to see all the prep work so I’m just going to have to redo it.”

“Fuck. Really?”

“Yeah. Neville helped me look. It’s not in our room where I thought I left it or in the library. Nobody has handed it in. I’m hoping someone still will but...I can’t just do nothing . If it doesn’t turn up then I’d have to redo it all anyway.”

“Fucking hell. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know but I am anyway.”


“Are you okay?”


“I wish I was there.”

“Well I’m glad you’re not. I mean - I just - I cried a bit? I’m an angry crier. And I’m still quite snotty. It’s a bit disgusting. Not as disgusting as a sourdough starter obviously.”

“Ha bloody ha.”

“I - uh...there is a specific reason I wanted to talk to you though.”


“I’m going to be really busy trying to get this work redone over the next few days and I think it would be better if we didn’t talk as much. all. Just for a few days. Is that - is that alright?”

What? Of course it’s alright!”


“I thought you were going to cancel Sunday.”

“Oh. No, I definitely don’t want to do that. I mean I’m really fucking nervous so a bit of me does but mostly I’m just worried about falling behind or - fuck, failing this project and -”

“You won’t. You can do it. Do whatever you need to do. Even if - even if we do have to postpone Sunday.”

“I don’t want to cancel.”

“I know, that’s why I said postpone. We’re definitely still meeting.”

“Oh. Good.”


“I might...wish you were here a little bit too.”

“You do?”




“I really li-”

“-should go. Oh. Sorry, what were you-”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s not important. Get on with what you need to do.”

“...alright. Are you sure?”

More than sure. Message me when you’re all caught up though, yeah?”

“I will.”

“G’night Trouble.”


Call Disconnected. 



[14:32] Fancy a kickabout after history?

[14:33] Yeah

[14:33] Meet you on the field 



[09:13] Need any extra help with Saturday? 

[09:14] Don’t think so

[09:14] I’ve got to go to Paperchase later though if you want to come? About 2ish?

[09:15] Sounds good :-) 

[09:23] Did you know in medieval times ladies would give knights favours? Like ribbons and stuff. And sometimes their sleeves.

[09:25] Hm

[09:25] Because they were detachable?

[09:26] Yeah

[09:27] If I was a knight I’d want a fuckload of stationary not some random sleeve

[09:28] Think I’d want a comfy pillow

[09:28] Something really soft 

[09:29] Sounds nice :-) 

[09:30] You’d be a brilliant knight

[09:31] Thanks

[09:31] So would you 

[09:31] :-)





Subject: Reservation

Dear Mr Malfoy,

Please accept our sincere apologies. It seems that the book you requested below was incorrectly loaned to another student in error. We have since received the book back into the library ready for your collection.

Transformative Transmutations and Metaphysical Physics: A Brief History of Alchemy

Kind Regards,

Cas Warrington

Library Assistant

Library Helpdesk, Salazar Slytherin Preparatory School


[10:01] The book I needed is back in at the library

[10:02] Is it? 

[10:02] Hm

[10:02] ;-)

[10:03] You’re so fucking lovely

[10:03] How are you even real

[10:04] :-)  

[10:04] Back to work now mon amour x

[10:04] x



[17:43] Group Chat: Golden Trio

GingerKing: This week has been weird

HPSauce: Agree 

TheBrains: :-/

TheBrains: Pub?

GingerKing: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione? 

TheBrains: Just ONE round 

TheBrains: You still need to be at mine tomorrow morning to make the sugar cookies 

GingerKing: Fair enough 

HPSauce: I’m in


[19:48] Bavarian sugar cookies 

[19:49] Shush

[19:49] Hahaha

Chapter Text


[00:02] Hey

[00:02] Sorry

[00:02] I know it’s late

[00:02] Or technically early

[00:02] Obviously you’re asleep right now and will wake up tomorrow like who does this massive twat think he is messaging me in the middle of the night like a rambly idiot

[00:03] I should probably delete these

[00:04] Hm, too late ;-)

[00:04] Hi rambly idiot 

[00:05] Hi

[00:05] Did I wake you up? 

[00:06] Haven’t gone to bed yet

[00:06] Why aren’t you asleep

[00:07] Well

[00:07] I was asleep

[00:07] Had a weird dream and couldn’t get back to sleep after

[00:07] And now I feel all fidgety and wide awake 

[00:07] Are you studying

[00:08] No

[00:08] I’m talking to you 

[00:09] Were* you studying

[00:09] A bit

[00:09] You should get into bed

[00:10] Mhm

[00:10] Maybe you should take your own advice?

[00:11] I’m already in bed :p 

[00:11] Want me to go?

[00:11] No

[00:11] I’ve mis MESSAGE DELETED

[00:11] It’s been weird not talking to you every day

[00:12] Yeah

[00:12] I know what you mean

[00:13] Sorry :-/

[00:13] What don’t apologise

[00:13] I’m being the selfish one here 

[00:14] I wouldn’t exactly call you selfish 

[00:14] Hmmm

[00:14] How is the project? (He asked in a no-pressure way obviously)

[00:14] It’s getting there :-/ 

[00:15] Look...tell me to fuck off if you want and I will, but maybe you should think about going to bed. You can get a good night’s sleep and get back to it tomorrow? 

[00:16] Fine

[00:16] I am getting into bed

[00:16] Happy? 

[00:16] Very ;-)

[00:17] What do you wear in bed?

[00:17] Pardon??

[00:18] You asked me once, and I had the good grace to tell you

[00:18] So…?

[00:19] Normally, just underwear 

[00:20] Normally?

[00:20] I get too warm otherwise

[00:20] And I don’t like sleeping on top of my covers, it feels weird. I like the cocoon of my duvet. But I can’t have duvet and pyjamas because then I get too warm

[00:20] So yeah

[00:20] Just boring black boxers tonight

[00:21] Hm

[00:21] Hm…? 

[00:22] Hm.

[00:23] Hahaha

[00:23] Oh my god shut up 

[00:23] You wanted to know ;-)

[00:24] I know

[00:24] ;-) ;-) 

[00:25] Ffs

[00:25] Just tell me about your stupid dream you prick

[00:26] Hahaha ok

[00:26] I was flying around this lake at night but then I fell off just straight into the dark water, something kept trying to pull me under and then I woke up 

[00:27] Aw :-/ 

[00:27] Wait

[00:27] Fell off? 

[00:28] Yeah I was flying on a broom 

[00:29] What

[00:30] Are you there? 

[00:31] I’m sorry I’m trying really hard not to laugh

[00:31] A broom??? Like a witch?? 

[00:32] Yes

[00:32] Shut up

[00:33] Hahahahaha

[00:34] You’re an arsehole

[00:34] It was a legitimately scary dream 

[00:35] Haha sorry 

[00:35] No you’re not :p

[00:36] I am! 

[00:36] If you must know, I was quite terrified of witches as a child 

[00:37] That wasn’t even the scary part of the dream you numpty

[00:37] In fact there wasn’t any witches in it 

[00:38] I know I was just trying to make you feel better

[00:39] Well you’re doing a terrible job 

[00:39] Were you even scared of witches?

[00:40] Yes

[00:40] During a sleepover when I was about seven we watched The Witches and I had nightmares for weeks afterwards 

[00:41] Isn’t that a kids film? 

[00:41] So?

[00:42] SO you had the absolute TEMERITY to make fun of me when you were scared of a kids film???

[00:43] Have you seen it? 

[00:43] No

[00:44] Then I’ll kindly thank you to reserve your judgement until you have 

[00:44] Besides it was just this one bit that scared me 

[00:45] Tell me which bit 

[00:45] I wouldn’t want to scare you 

[00:45] Erm, I think I can handle it Trouble :p

[00:45] Fine 

[00:46] The grandmother is recounting to her grandson about her childhood friend who had gone missing when they were little

[00:46] Her name was Erica and she lived next door

[00:47] One day Erica went out to collect a pail of milk for her father, he told her to come straight home afterwards but she never did. Weeks and weeks went by but there was no trace of her, everyone in the town was looking for her, but it was as if she had just vanished

[00:47] Then one day the grandmother decided to visit the family. While the mother was pouring the coffee, Erica’s father came in and it was as if he had seen a ghost. His face was all twisted up as he walked towards a painting behind them

[00:47] It was Erica

[00:48] As if she had always been there, staring back out at them, locked in the painting forever 

[00:48] Sometimes Erica would be in a different place in the painting, one day she might be outside feeding the ducks, other times she might be in the farmhouse looking out of the window 

[00:49] The thing was, nobody ever saw Erica move

[00:49] She was always just this motionless figure, looking out, and as the years went by she grew older until one day she faded from the painting completely

[00:50] Fucking hell

[00:50] Why would you tell it to me like that??

[00:51] Hahaha

[00:51] Because that’s how it is in the film, I was trying to stay true to the source material

[00:51] Anyway, we had this painting at home that was really similar to the one in the film. Farmhouse and woods and everything. I kept waking up thinking I was trapped in the painting too and that I’d never get out 

[00:52] That’s horrible

[00:52] :-(

[00:52] I’d snuggle you so hard if I was there right now 

[00:53] Hope you don’t mind it being a bit of a squash then, single bed and all 

[00:54] Cosy :-)

[00:54] Anyway you’ve got those nice pillows, so it’d be worth it

[00:55] Oh I see what’s happening here

[00:55] You just want me for my decent bedlinen 

[00:56] What can I say? The heart wants what the heart wants

[00:57] ‘Tender are the Bedsheets’

[00:57] HAHA WTF

[00:58] Title of your cheesy romance novel

[00:59] Hahahaha 

[00:59] Literally cannot stop laughing at this

[00:59] What would yours be??

[01:00] I’ll have to think about it 

[01:01] No wait don’t 

[01:01] Leave it with me, I’m going to come up with something brilliant

[01:01] Bookshelves are likely to be involved ;-)

[01:02] Haha, then I look forward to it 

[01:03] But...

[01:03] We should probably go to sleep 

[01:03] Noooooo

[01:03] Although yeah probably 

[01:04] :-(

[01:04] Hey none of that now 

[01:04] Or I’ll subject you to more of my terrible flirting 

[01:05] Sorry, when were you flirting? 

[01:05] Oh my god you wound me!

[01:05] Fine

[01:05] Obviously I need to work on my charm

[01:06] Hm, I don’t think you do 

[01:06] I genuinely can’t tell if you’re being flirty or taking the piss right now

[01:07] Both

[01:07] ;-)

[01:07] Trouble to the end ;-)

[01:07] At least I’m consistent 

[01:08] I’m def not complaining

[01:08] Sleeeep

[01:08] Hahaha I’m going I’m going 

[01:08] Night mon amour x

[01:09] Night night x

[17:03 SSPS InstantMessenger]

> User: BotanyProwess has logged in <

BotanyProwess: This is annoying

BotanyProwess: I think I might actually hate him you know

BotanyProwess: He’s so bloody smug

BotanyProwess: Ugh just look at him 

ThisCharmingWanker: I can’t look at him, I’m in our room

ThisCharmingWanker: I also don’t know where you are 

BotanyProwess: At our table in the hall

BotanyProwess: Glaring at his smarmy smug little face

ThisCharmingWanker: Well stop

ThisCharmingWanker: You’re better than this

BotanyProwess: I don’t think I am 

BotanyProwess: I’m feeling very vengeance-y

ThisCharmingWanker: Says he who phones his Grandmother twice a week and names all of his plants

BotanyProwess: Gran would probably poison him you know 

ThisCharmingWanker: I wouldn’t doubt that for a second

ThisCharmingWanker: Don’t get any funny ideas

BotanyProwess: Who would suspect sweet, innocent Neville Longbottom? 

ThisCharmingWanker: “I always wondered about him, he owned far too many fairisle cardigans”

BotanyProwess: Oi

BotanyProwess: Don’t pretend you don’t like them 

ThisCharmingWanker: Just the grey one!

BotanyProwess: Haha

BotanyProwess: It was him though

ThisCharmingWanker: Neville

ThisCharmingWanker: You don’t know that

BotanyProwess: I do know that

BotanyProwess: And you know that

BotanyProwess: It’s fucking knowable

BotanyProwess: Of course it was him

ThisCharmingWanker: Where is your evidence?

BotanyProwess: I’d say on his face but the smug bastard healed up faster than I thought he would 

ThisCharmingWanker: Yes well

ThisCharmingWanker: It doesn’t matter now

BotanyProwess: He shouldn’t get away with this

BotanyProwess: What he did was petty and horrible

ThisCharmingWanker: People get away with petty, horrible shit all the time

BotanyProwess: I know

BotanyProwess: I seem to remember you never getting detention for throwing my present from Gran into the wall in first year

ThisCharmingWanker: I thought you forgave me for that

BotanyProwess: I did

BotanyProwess: Because I grew up and so did you 

BotanyProwess: We’ve moved on

BotanyProwess: The same can’t be said for Theodore Fucking Nott

ThisCharmingWanker: Maybe I deserved it

BotanyProwess: Maybe he should’ve just tackled you back

BotanyProwess: Instead of breaking into our room and destroying your project

ThisCharmingWanker: We definitely don’t know that he destroyed it

BotanyProwess: He’d be stupid to hang on to it

ThisCharmingWanker: I don’t disagree

BotanyProwess: Hmmm

ThisCharmingWanker: You need to let this go

BotanyProwess: Fine

BotanyProwess: Later though

BotanyProwess: For now I’m going to quietly fume

ThisCharmingWanker: Fair enough 

BotanyProwess: So…

ThisCharmingWanker: ...what…?

BotanyProwess: Are you caught up now?

ThisCharmingWanker: Not quite, almost there 

ThisCharmingWanker: Think you can sneak me up some dinner later? I might be able to finish tonight if I power through

BotanyProwess: No

BotanyProwess: You’re coming down with me, you need a proper break 

ThisCharmingWanker: I can’t 

BotanyProwess: You can 

BotanyProwess: Just come down for some food 

BotanyProwess: And 5 minutes of fireworks

BotanyProwess: You can get a hot chocolate and take it back up with you then 

ThisCharmingWanker: Fine 

ThisCharmingWanker: But stop glaring at Theo

BotanyProwess: I’ll stop glaring as soon as you come and meet me

BotanyProwess: In the meantime, smarmy mcsmarmface will experience the full wrath glare of yours truly

ThisCharmingWanker: If he was a coffee he’d be a smarmuccino 

BotanyProwess: Hahaha

ThisCharmingWanker: I talked to Harry last night

ThisCharmingWanker: This morning, technically 

BotanyProwess: Thought you were on a texting ban

ThisCharmingWanker: I was

ThisCharmingWanker: I am

ThisCharmingWanker: He messaged me first

BotanyProwess: Mhm

ThisCharmingWanker: I missed him ok?

ThisCharmingWanker: It felt so good to talk to him again and I was finishing up studying for the night anyway

BotanyProwess: You don’t need to justify it to me, I already told you I thought the texting ban was stupid

ThisCharmingWanker: Maybe you’re right 

BotanyProwess: I am very wise 

Draco rolled his eyes at the computer screen before shutting it down. He stood up from the desk and reached his arms above his head, feeling the satisfying stretch of muscle across his back. As he brought his hands down, thumbs landing to knead at the juncture between neck and shoulders, his eyes fell on his phone.

He hadn’t heard from Harry all day, not since their impromptu late night chat. It wasn’t like Draco had expected to hear from him, but -

Pfft, yes you fucking did you liar. 

But Harry was back to maintaining a respectful distance. Because he was good and kind and lovely. And horrifically charming, especially because he had no idea he was. And gorgeous. And... assertive, Draco thought, remembering the way Harry had firmly held his wrist down in the cafe. 

He’d wondered about the tie thing too, in the late night quiet of his room. Did Harry like being tied up? Or was it the thought of someone else at his mercy that flipped his switch? Would Draco be into that? What would Harry do to him in that position? Would he be slow and teasing? Would he like it if Draco begged a little? 

Please Harry, please…

Draco had turned his face into his pillow then, blushing furiously at the thought of it. 

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it a few more times since.

Draco picked up his phone and unlocked it, chewing on the tip of his thumb as he opened his messages and started to type.



What are you up to? 

Hey yourself :-)

Getting changed

Draco grinned, feeling fiendish. And Harry was always asking him so -


Oh? What are you wearing? 

At the moment?

Just a towel


Draco made an odd noise that he was glad Nev wasn’t around to hear. 


Sure you’ll be warm enough? 


If you must know I just got out of the shower

As if Draco needed that explaining to him. As if he needed the image of a wet and soapy Harry in his brain.

As if he hadn’t thought of that fucking ever.


What are you doing?

I was supposed to be going downstairs to meet Nev for dinner

Supposed to be?

Got distracted

Distractions can be good

Sometimes even encouraged

Christ you really are trouble 

Says the guy in ‘just a towel’

I’m as pure as the driven snow

Are you fuck


You might be right about that ;-)

Draco’s distinctly less-than-pure mind gallivanted off through a thousand Harry-related scenarios, his skin feeling tingly and flushed. As he shifted in his desk chair, he decided he might need another minute or two before going to meet Neville for dinner.


Sorry trouble, I have to head out now



Have fun x

I’ll be around later though

Then I’m all yours, if you want x

Neville was indeed waiting for him in the hall, and was indeed still shooting moderately angry looks at Theo as Draco arrived.

“You said you’d stop when I got here.”

“Just one more?”

Draco sighed as he settled himself on the opposite side of the table. “No.”

Neville waved his hand in a way that said suit yourself before looking up at him, his brow furrowed. “Why are you so flushed? Did you just come from outside?”

“What? No.” Draco cursed inwardly, realising his mistake too late as Neville smirked.

“Is that Harry’s doing?”

Damn his pale skin, he couldn’t hide anything. 

Neville continued to look at him, his smirk showing no signs of fading until Draco burst out laughing, dropping his face into his hands. 

“Oh my god, shut up.” 

Neville chuckled, and continued to make fun of him for at least twenty minutes. 

Draco hardly recognised the field when they finally arrived. Five food trucks were lined up with fairy lights hanging between them, a mix of students already queueing up or checking out the menus. He was quite intrigued by Who Gives a Crêpe, and told Neville he’d meet him after they’d each gotten their food. 

Draco had just taken a massive bite of his ham and emmental crêpe when he saw Harry walking towards him through the steadily growing crowd. He was carrying a rather large silver canister and dressed simply in faded jeans and a burgundy sweatshirt, sleeves pushed up to his elbows. 

His first thought was: you’re not supposed to be here.

Because Theo had said. 

Draco stood rooted to the spot as Harry drew closer, spotted him and suddenly made a beeline in his direction. Whatever was in the canister was evidently heavy as Harry distributed the weight between his arms. 

Bare muscular forearms, Mmm was Draco’s second thought, his eyes landing feverishly on the taut muscle beneath Harry’s skin before flicking back up to his lovely, smiling face.

“Hello,” Harry said, apropos of nothing, because Draco had a mouthful of hot cheese and ham and crêpe and his feet had somehow disconnected from his brain, rendering them useless as he stood frozen. Harry nodded once at Draco’s food. “Looks good.”

And because Draco’s brain was also a total arsehole, it decided the most appropriate response to Harry landing in front of him and making small talk was for Draco to practically thrust his food right in Harry’s face

Harry blinked at him, a small amused smile tugging at his lips. “Uh...thanks?”

And then...well then he was leaning in and taking a small bite of Draco’s crêpe, eyelids fluttering closed, releasing a contented little ‘mm’ sound that Draco found he rather liked.

Fucking hell. This should not be a turn on. 

Harry pulled away, looking up at him through his lashes as he licked his lips. He chewed thoughtfully for a second before swallowing the morsel down. “Gotta go. See you later, Malfoy.” Harry shifted the canister in his hands again and walked off, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

“What the hell was that?”

Neville appeared beside him, looking like he really didn’t need an answer at all, so Draco just shook his head and quietly ate the rest of his food as they went to find somewhere to stand. 

Neville insisted on a spot that was close enough that Draco had an eyeful of Harry but far enough away that they could talk about him without the fear of being overheard. Harry was manning a small table that held more of the silver canisters and worked with Weasley to serve up complimentary hot beverages.

Draco huffed. “Is this why you suggested I get a hot chocolate earlier? So I would be forced to speak to him?” 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” replied Neville, ignoring the indignation being thrown at him. 

“We’re too close. We should move.”

“We’re fine where we are. There’s loads of people around anyway. And he’s busy.” 

That was true enough. Draco had been throwing surreptitious glances Harry’s way since the embarrassment that was the crêpe-sharing moment and there was a steady stream of people angling to get a free hot drink as they stood around waiting for the fireworks to start.

Draco shivered. He hadn’t worn a hat this time (the hat, the one Harry likes. Oh shut up.) but he pulled his gloves out and slipped them on, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. He glanced over at Harry again, and saw that he was still just in his jeans and jumper, still had his sleeves pushed up.

Aren’t you cold? Draco wondered, feeling his eyebrows knit together in a frown. But then a remembered comment flitted briefly through his thoughts. 

...I get too warm otherwise...just underwear...

Oh fuck. 

Stop thinking about him in his underwear. 

Practically naked. 

...just a towel…

Stop it stop it stop it stop it.

Just don’t look at him. If you don’t look at him, you won’t think about him. And if you don’t think about him, then you won’t say or do anything really fucking stupid.


Draco looked.

The crowd was starting to disperse, lending Draco a much better view which, he realised, also gave Harry a much better view of himself. Draco caught him looking over a few times, in the time between someone leaving with a hot drink and someone else stepping up. 

Always a quick fleeting thing, impossible to read anything into. 

And Draco was tired of it. Not knowing. Waiting.

So he took a deep breath and walked over to Harry, his hopeful heart hammering in his chest with every approaching step. 

Neither Harry or Weasley had seen Draco walk over, caught up in a conversation that had Harry chuckling darkly and his ginger friend looking faintly scandalised as he said “I did not lose on purpose, how dare you.”

Weasley caught sight of him first, and waved him over with a friendly smile. “Oi, oi, Malfoy. What you having?” 

“Oh.” Draco’s eyes flicked briefly to Harry, who was watching the exchange with an amused interest. “Uh - hot chocolate?”

Weasley nodded his head towards Harry, who in turn busied himself pouring out Draco’s drink from the silver canister in front of him into a disposable cup. He put a lid on it and handed it over. 

“Vow of silence over then?” Harry’s voice was teasing but gentle. 

Draco huffed out a small laugh and looked down at his cup, running a gloved thumb on the edge of the lid.

You can do this. You can do this. 

When he looked back up, Harry was looking at him, smiling in a way that loosened something in Draco’s chest. He pulled in his bottom lip between his teeth, noticing that Harry’s eyes tracked the movement before focusing back on his. 

You can do this. 

Draco set the cup back down on the table. “Harry, I need to tell you -“

“Well. Isn’t this fucking cosy.”

Harry’s smile dropped immediately, his face clouding with darkness as he glanced away, jaw tight with tension. 


Draco didn’t need to look to know it was him, he knew his voice well. Too well. Something vaguely sick-feeling dropped into his stomach as he moved to step away from the table. Theo grabbed for Draco’s elbow and roughly pulled him back, pulling him close. Harry’s eyes narrowed on Theo’s grip.

“Oh don’t leave on my account,” said Theo. 

Draco twisted his elbow out of Theo’s hold but didn’t leave, unsettled by the look that was creeping across his ex’s face as he looked at Harry. 

Something felt very, very wrong.

“I didn’t expect to see you here, Potter.” 

Harry didn’t say anything, just lifted his shoulders in a lazy shrug that only served to make Theo bristle.

“I hope I wasn’t interrupting,” Theo continued, trying to sound bored, “Draco here always did have a bit of a thing for you, even when we were together.”

“Theo, don’t -“

“Don’t what?” Theo snapped, turning to Draco. “Don’t tell Potter how you thought about him when you were with me? How you wanted him fucking into you, slow and deep, hm?”

Draco released a pained sound, feeling caught somewhere between embarrassment and fury. “Don’t. I - I didn’t, Theo. Why are you -“

“He did.” Theo looked back at Harry, grinning maliciously. “By the way, Draco’s the one that’s been messaging you. He knew it was you from the start. He’s been messing you about this whole time.”

Draco’s whole body tensed as Theo wrapped an arm around his shoulders, leaning in close to his ear.

“And in case you’re wondering about this later, it was your instant messenger. You always did forget to log out on your computer, sweetheart.” 

Draco shook himself free, staring at Theo’s spiteful, vicious face in horror, his eyes feeling hot and prickly.

Shit. Don’t cry. Not here, not now. 

“Draco?” Neville’s voice carried through the thick fug of humiliation that threatened to drown him.

Not for the first time, Draco realised how lucky he was to have him as a friend, particularly when Neville took the whole scene in and turned on Theo, seething.

“What the fuck have you done?”

Draco took a step back, breathing hard and fast, clouds of fog dispelling into the wintery night air as he looked wildly around him, his eyes finally landing on Harry’s face, his expression completely unreadable. 

“I’m sorry, Harry.” Draco barely recognised his own voice, broken and sad as it was. “I’m so sorry. I - I have to go. I’m sorry.”

Draco heard someone calling his name as he quickly walked away, and was sure it was Neville judging by the familiar Yorkshire cadence. But he didn’t want to look back, didn’t turn around to see if his friend had followed. Instead he let the welcoming silence envelop him as he ran the rest of the way back to the school, grateful that he would find it empty. 

Chapter Text


Draco came to an abrupt stop, suddenly furious with himself for running away. 

What are you doing? What are you doing? What the actual bloody fuck are you doing?

Perhaps a small measure of his anger was misplaced - after all, Theo had been quite unfairly vicious (and Draco would need to deal with that sooner rather than later) but for now the person he was most cross with was himself. 

“Fuck,” he breathed. “Fuck. Fuck.”

The sound of his voice reverberated around him, unexpectedly loud in the empty corridor.

Draco pulled his gloves off, shoving them down into his coat pocket before retrieving his phone. He’d felt it vibrate several times as he’d stormed off; no doubt it was Neville, firing off an array of concerned messages as he’d run after Draco. He could be quite persistent with his worrying and Draco was fairly certain those were Neville’s quick footfalls he’d heard in the distance behind him. 

Draco unlocked the screen. 

(2) Missed Calls: Harry

[18:52] Wait

[18:52] I want to talk to you

[18:53] I really don’t want to do this by text 

He felt a new twist of misery coil tight in his gut, anxiety crackling in his chest as he thought of Harry’s stunned face over and over again. The irony wasn’t lost on Draco; if it had been literally anything else that had made him feel this way, he knew talking to Harry would have made him feel better. He’d listen (well, read), make him laugh, maybe flirt a little. 

Even on Monday, devastated at the loss of his project (and there was no doubt in his mind that Theo had taken it now; the vindictive, jealous arsehole had admitted to being in Draco’s room, being on Draco’s computer), sniffly and snotty and resigning himself to starting again, just hearing Harry’s voice had made him feel warmer and calmer and a little bit loved. 

Not loved. Cared about. 

Harry’s obviously not in love with you. 

And you’re not in love with him.

You cannot be in love with him. 

He honestly wasn’t sure if he was trying to deny his feelings altogether, or admonishing himself for unfairly feeling them at all in the face of what he’d done. 

He just...liked him. A bit. 

The past week had been a success; Draco had worked his arse off, focused and diligent, and was almost back to where he needed to be. But then he’d also had to ask Neville several times to hide his phone because - well, he missed Harry and he didn’t trust himself not to cave (and his willpower had proved utterly useless in the face of Harry rescuing his bloody book).

Behind him, Draco could hear the quick pace of Neville’s approaching footsteps; closer now, slowing down and finally coming to a stop. 

Draco sighed, his shoulders sagging in defeat as he turned around. “Nev, I really don’t want to talk ab-“ He stopped, his body still half-turned as his gaze locked onto a pair of unflinching green eyes staring right back at him in the semi-darkness.  

“Sorry,” Harry said. “Not Neville. I can go and get him if you’d prefer?” 

It was really him. Standing in front of Draco, flushed a little pink from the cold. Hair messy and ruffled, the edge of his scar that crept down to his temple only just visible under the arm of his glasses. Jumper sleeves still pushed up to his elbows showing off taut forearms and incongruously bony wrists. 

And Draco thought he saw the hint of a smile skirting over full, perfect lips.

Stop it. Stop staring at them. Jesus Christ. Those are not for you.

“W-what-“ Draco’s voice came out cracked and whispery. He cleared his throat, slipping his phone back into his pocket. “What are you doing here?”

“Wanted to see if you were alright,” Harry said.

Well, Draco hadn’t been expecting that at all. 

“Oh,” he murmured, his mind trying to process Harry coming to see if he was alright

Very carefully, Harry stepped closer. “Do you want me to go?” He asked.

“No,” Draco said, quick and certain and a tiny bit desperate. He absolutely did not want Harry to leave, even if he felt like his heart was beating so hard it was a small wonder it didn’t just burst straight through his ribs and smack Harry right in his lovely face. 

It meant something, didn’t it? That he was here, that he seemed willing to give Draco a chance to explain himself. 

That he wanted to see if Draco was alright. 

A very small self-preserving part of Draco actually did want to send him away, but there were things that needed to be said; Harry deserved to know the truth and Draco had been prepared to do it, right before Theo decided to drop napalm on any chance he might’ve had with Harry at all.

Because yes, fuelled by Neville’s unfailing optimism, he had allowed himself to entertain fantasies that this might all work out; had let himself imagine what it might be like, for Harry to really know who he was talking to and say the same things to him anyway, for him to mean it, for it all to be real. 

That was all gone now, Theo had made sure of it, good and proper. 


You could have told him at any time. You only have yourself to blame for being a total fucking coward. 

Draco took a deep, steadying breath that did absolutely nothing to quell his nerves. “Harry...what Theo said, I - I wasn’t messing you about, that wasn’t what I wanted. You and and me, he didn’t—he has nothing to do with—I didn’t know that he would—we’re not—I just wanted it to be you and me and—“

This is a disaster, you are a disaster , Draco thought, cutting himself off, the words you and me still pinballing around his head. 

“I know,” said Harry eventually, his jaw tightening a little. “D’you really think I’m going to listen to anything that dickhead says? He tried to get me banned from your school.”

Draco felt a familiar hum of fury sing under his skin.

Fucking Theo, he’d been so proud of himself for that little stunt, practically giddy when he told Draco what he’d done. “He told me,” Draco said. God, he was so angry with Theo and when he next spoke, he could hear the slight wobble in his voice, could feel the prickly heat in his eyes again. “Please know that I never, ever wanted you to find out like...that.”

Harry’s features softened as he stepped closer. “You were going to tell me though weren’t you, out there?” He gestured vaguely in the direction from which he’d just come. 

“Yes.” Draco nodded emphatically. He turned fully to face Harry then, felt his hands lift as if to reach out and touch him, but he forced them back to his sides, curling his fingers in tightly. “Yes, but - I should have said when I realised, I should have just...told you.” 

Harry considered him for a moment. “Why didn’t you?” 

“I wanted to. So many times before this. But I just thought - if you knew it was me, you wouldn’t want to talk to me at all,” Draco said. “We’ve not exactly had the best history, even you can admit that.”

Harry smiled a little at that, and it eased Draco’s anxiety, if only by a fraction. “I can,” he said. 

“And I really didn’t know it was you, at first. Theo had that wrong as well. But I just...I really liked it, talking to you.” Draco chewed the inside of his cheek, deliberating on how honest he should be here. “I didn’t want it to stop, even when I did realise it was you.” 

You mean especially when , his brain helpfully corrected. Draco’s cheeks grew hot and he ducked his head down, as if that would hide anything. 

The toes of Harry’s scuffed-up Converse came into view then; if Draco looked up now, how close would Harry be? What did it mean that he was still here? 

“How long did you know it was me?” Harry asked, though not unkindly. 

Draco felt the crushing wave of guilt wash over him. Fuck, he thought, just say it, just get it over with. Goodbye Harry. “First phone call,” he admitted, finally looking up.

“The first – right.” A small crease appeared between Harry’s brows, just for a moment before it vanished as he shook his head. “Right, that’s – a bit earlier than I – right. Ok then. Have to admit I feel like a bit of a prat now.” Harry lifted a hand to the back of his neck, scrubbed it through his hair. “I also told you – ah, some things that were –“

“I know!” Draco made an anguished sound. Harry was referring to that night at the pub, he had to be. “Fuck, I know . You trusted me and I’m so sorry, Harry. I know you trusted me when you told me about that – that guy you liked.” Draco swallowed thickly, squashing down a flare of jealousy he knew he had absolutely no right to feel. “Or still like, I don’t know. Obviously that’s none of my business.” 

Harry frowned and then, rather incongruously, huffed out a small laugh. “Um, I don’t think you understa–“

“But I do understand.” Draco cut him off again; it was vital that Harry knew how sorry he was, how much he knew he’d fucked up. “ Believe me I do. I was...wrong and selfish and terribly unfair to you and there’s no excuse for it, I know there isn’t. If I could take it all back I would.”

Harry’s face did something complicated then, and if Draco wasn’t having a very minor hysterical breakdown then he might have said that Harry actually looked ...hurt.

“Y-you’d take it all back?” He asked.

“Yes,” Draco replied. “Of course I would.”

“So you didn’t mean any of it,” Harry said, a bit too measured, watching him a bit too carefully.

“No that’s–” Draco shook his head, feeling as if he’d gotten lost somewhere in their conversation, that somehow things had gotten turned around or backwards or—did Harry not get it? “That’s not what—I meant everything I said to you. I liked talking to you so much because I liked you . To me it was real.”

Harry’s eyes widened, just a fraction, but it was enough for Draco to realise what he’d said and now he’d definitely ruined everything, with his pointless lying and his stupid inconvenient bloody feelings


“I should...go,” Draco said, more to himself than to Harry, and started to turn away. 

But then Harry reached for Draco’s hand, catching it firmly and pulling him back. “Hang on a minute there, Trouble,” he said. “It’s my turn to talk now.”

That was...fair, Draco thought, but also Harry’s holding my hand, he hasn’t let go yet, hm how interesting

He swallowed nervously and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

“Harry…?” Draco’s voice came out quiet and uncertain. This was unbearable. Even if Harry still was holding his hand. Even if it did feel lovely and soft and warm and right. Even if his hopeful little heart was fluttering wildly in his chest because Harry was looking at him like—

Like he might actually—

Harry just called him Trouble for fucks’ sake and it was incredibly difficult not to feel like maybe—

“Right. Yeah. Sorry.” Harry shook his head, peering down at his feet before looking back up again. “It’s just I had this whole—and it all sounded so much better in my head, but how do I even try to—oh, fuck it.” He gave Draco’s hand a little squeeze. “I knew it was you, too.”

Draco stared back at Harry.

He knew.

He knew?

No he didn’t.

Draco frowned. “No you didn’t,” he said.

Harry slowly started to smile. “Yeah, I did,” he said softly. “And I’m so fucking relie—”

“You can’t have,” Draco interrupted, shaking his head. “I was careful.”

Harry made an amused sound. “You weren’t that careful, Trouble. You gave yourself away.”

“Wha—when? ” Draco demanded, indignant and snippy. He realised he sounded faintly ridiculous, that he had no right to be annoyed, and that Harry likely agreed with both of these statements of fact if his irritating little smirk was anything to go by. But still.  “You tell me right now this instant, Potter.”

Harry tugged him forward, causing a tiny but nonetheless undignified noise to escape from the back of Draco’s throat. 

“It’s Potter now is it? I was Harry a second ago,” Harry murmured. 



Harry,” said Draco, trying not to overthink the affectionate little circles Harry’s thumb was making on the inside of his wrist. Jesus. He might be the tiniest bit fucked. “Tell me.”

Harry faltered, his smile disappearing; he looked worried and guilty in equal measure and Draco tried not to overthink that either. “It was that day in Puddifoot’s,” Harry said, chewing a little on his lower lip. He released it and sighed quietly. “Or...just after. I said—right before Michael showed up—I told you I had to go and sort something out, do you remember that?” Draco nodded. Of course he remembered. It was shit. Stupid Michael. “Good. And then I messaged you—well, Trouble , and I said it again. I said, ‘sorry for not replying sooner, had to sort something out’. And you said ‘yeah you said’. But you weren’t supposed to know that. And then I realised: he was you.”

Draco decided he should probably say something, it seemed like the right sort of time after all. But he kept getting distracted by the pad of Harry’s thumb against his skin and the fact that he smelled like chocolate and bonfires so he thought no, this is nice; I think I’ll just stay like this thank you very much. 

Harry seemed to take his silence as a cue to continue, in for a penny and all that it entailed. 

It was like a verbal volcano erupted. 

“And then it all just sort of...clicked, that you knew it was me as well, you must have. But by then you’d gone and I was just sat there feeling like a massive twat and I should’ve gone after you, I should have. Even Luna gave me this look, like ‘you utter pillock’. But I mean, I felt like I messed everything up, by agreeing to that stupid date in the first place. And you have to understand up until that point I really genuinely thought you hated me, and then I saw you at the match with Neville—although I didn’t know he was Neville at the time, obviously—and he looks like…well, that. So of course I thought you and he were a thing and I just needed to not think about you but then you’re literally in my house, not speaking to me but not really being an arsehole either, and then in Puddifoot’s you seemed like—I don’t know, it was really fun, just you and me. I wanted to—I didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t know what you wanted, even though I thought you might like—fucking hell, I could not stop thinking about kissing you the entire time. But I was really starting to like Trouble, that’s why I was cancelling the date. I didn’t want to go anymore, I don’t think I ever did. How could I when I just wanted to talk to himyou—instead? I wanted to know who you were so much because you just—you made me laugh like, every fucking day. Ron said I wouldn’t stop smiling at my bloody phone whenever you messaged. And you’re weirdly quite sweet, I think, and you really calmed me down that day when I called you from my car.  And I kept thinking it can’t be Malfoy, it can’t be…”

Draco’s stomach did an anxious little swoop. “Then I’m sorry to disapp—“

Harry shook his head and grabbed his other hand, pulling him even closer. “ No, that’s not—Fuck I’m not going to fuck this up. I kept thinking it couldn’t be you, I kept trying to prepare myself for it not being you because I really fucking wanted it to be you and I knew—I knew —I’d be disappointed if it wasn’t.


“Please say something,” Harry said quickly, suddenly sounding horribly vulnerable. “...preferably not fuck off, Potter,” he added, trying to smile. 

Draco was on the precipice, Harry’s hands holding his, warm and firm, his massive eyes roaming wildly all over Draco’s face, searching—

“But...I thought you liked someone else?” Draco said, quiet and sad.

He sort of hated himself then; he wanted to just jump, he wanted it so badly he could practically feel it singing through his veins. 

Harry had said he’d wanted to kiss him for fuck’s sake. 


“I don’t,” Harry said, soft and pleading. “That was a mistake. Michael was just—“

“Not him.” Draco swallowed thickly, as Harry frowned in confusion. “That evening you were in the pub, and I was watching bake off, and you said—you told me there was someone that you...liked.”

Physical Things, Harry had said.

And also not just Physical Things.


And Harry, to Draco’s immense surprise and consternation, burst out laughing. “Oh my god. I immediately take back calling you clever. Again.

Draco scowled, his face flushing as he tried to pull his hands out of Harry’s grip to no avail. “Look, I really don’t appreciate being laugh—“


“—you can’t just—“

“—that was you, you numpty.”


You you you. 

Draco stilled, looking at Harry with skepticism. “ it wasn’t?”

God he sounded like such a confused idiot. Mostly because he was a confused idiot, but that was hardly the point. 

Fucking Potter.

Harry stopped laughing, but his smile stayed firmly in place as a blush appeared on his cheeks. “I can very much assure you that it was. And is.” 

“ said it was someone you never got along with and—“

We didn’t get on. At all. You know this.”

Alright fine, that was certainly true enough. Draco, in perhaps a slightly melodramatic fashion, had once even referred to Harry as his mortal enemy.  

“You said you met him when you were 11,” Draco countered.

We met when we were 11,” said Harry.

“No. No, we met when we were in our second year, when I started playing for the school,” said Draco, remembering it. He had sort of hated Harry straight away, back then; he was so good, so fast, getting the ball away from Draco again and again and again. 

Harry shook his head, smiling gently. “Nope. It was before school even started actually. Told you you wouldn’t remember it.” 

Oh god, he was running his thumbs higher up the insides of Draco’s forearms now, making their way under the cuffs of his jumper. How could something be both too much and not enough? He desperately shoved away thoughts of Harry’s hands everywhere else, thoughts that made him feel a bit melty.

He should think about that later. 

He should focus.

“Well, I must have made an impression on you,” he sniffed, and Harry rolled his eyes. “When was this supposed meeting?” 

“Remember I told you I was supposed to go to SP? Well I was at that open day in the summer,” Harry explained. “Nobody talked to me, except for you. Well, it was more like you were talking at me to be honest.”

Draco grimaced. “Oh no—“

“—oh yes. You told me you hated your school scarf because the wool was the scratchy sort and not cashmere and that you were going to get your Dad to buy you a new bike.”

“I was such a little shit back then,” said Draco, half smiling and half cringing at the memory. 

Harry laughed softly, running his hands back down to Draco’s, intertwining their fingers and urging him forward until there was very little space between them at all. Harry brushed his lips, so so fucking gentle, against Draco’s. “You’re still a little sh—“

Draco kissed him. 

For the briefest moment, Harry tensed, his breath hitching sharply, and Draco thought shit, shit I misread this, Harry doesn’t want—before Harry let out a pleased little hum, quickly moved his hands to the back of Draco’s neck and stretched up to press as much of himself against Draco as he possibly could, making it very abundantly clear that he very much did fucking want.

Up close like this Harry was slightly taller than Draco thought or remembered. But he’d still had to reach up and that thought made him smile against Harry’s mouth. 

“Are you—on tip t—“

Yes—fuck off—“ 

But he felt more than saw that Harry was smiling too and well, Draco’s rational thought went on a bit of a holiday after that. He sighed into the kiss as Harry’s tongue found his; tentative at first before taking it deeper, licking into Draco’s mouth as his hand moved round to cup Draco’s jawline.

His own hands, resting lightly on Harry’s hips, slid round to the small of his back and under the soft fabric of his jumper to find nothing but warm, inviting skin and all he could think was that’s Harry’s skin and that’s Harry’s mouth, kissing me and fucking finally then just Harry Harry Harry.  

Draco couldn’t stop the disgruntled little sound that escaped when Harry broke away from him, and blushed when Harry chuckled darkly, kissing all the way along to the hinge of his jaw

“Mm, not finished yet,” Harry murmured, low and close to Draco’s ear.

Good.” Draco practically growled it out, trying to keep quiet as Harry smiled against his skin, as he licked and kissed and sucked at a particularly sensitive spot on Draco’s neck. 

And then his teeth were—


Harry was definitely going to leave a very, very obvious mark there. 

Draco shivered, letting out a breathy little moan as Harry’s lips and tongue and teeth teased him mercilessly, working over the same spot again and again.

“—fuck,” Harry breathed, lips grazing overly-sensitive skin. He planted the softest, sweetest kiss on the tender spot and let his head rest against Draco’s shoulder. 

Draco’s eyes fluttered open and he frowned. “What are you—“

“Sorry,” Harry mumbled. He was barely audible, his breathing a little shaky as he snuggled in—there really was no other word for it—to the crook of Draco’s neck. “I just...need a sec. I didn’t think we’d—you’re so—fuck, I really like you.” 

“Then why are you stopping?” Draco asked quietly, thinking I like you too, so fucking much.

Harry turned his head, just enough so that he could kiss the underside of Draco’s jaw. “ Believe me, I don’t want to,” he said, another kiss, and then another, like he couldn’t make himself stop. “I have to go back outside, like...soon. I need to help with stuff.”

Harry made absolutely no attempt to extricate himself though, just kept brushing little kisses against Draco’s skin and running his fingertips across the nape of Draco’s neck, impossibly affectionate.

“I’m still sorry I didn’t tell you,” Draco murmured, his voice muffled somewhat by Harry’s feathery black hair. 

Another small kiss, reassuring and sweet, like it was something Harry did all the time without even thinking about it. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Harry said. “Even if you hadn’t, I would have. I didn’t want to wait anymore.” He twisted up to face Draco like they had before, arms loosely wrapped around the back of Draco’s neck, his face relaxed and happy. “You were right about us. Past us anyway.”

“How so?” Draco asked, tracing lazy patterns into the base of Harry’s spine. 

Harry arched into him, just a little. “Well, we might never have talked to each other properly if we hadn’t had this. We might never have gotten here,” he said. 

Draco arched an eyebrow. “Here as in, the Slytherin Prep corridor?” 

No, you cheeky prick,” Harry laughed, and nuzzled his nose against Draco’s. “Here, as in, you and me.” He licked his lips, eyes bright and questioning. “You and me...together?”

Draco was fairly certain his face was plastered with the biggest, stupidest I’ve-got-a-crush-and-he-likes-me-too smile in the history of romance, his head swimming with us and this and I didn’t want to wait anymore and you and me, together.

“Yes,” he said, and kissed Harry again. 

Chapter Text


[23:37] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains: Pass me some extra strong cheddar because I am CREAM CRACKERED after all that! 

TheBrains: I am doing nothing tomorrow

TheBrains: N-O-T-H-I-N-G

TheBrains: Sorry I didn’t see much of you both, felt like I was running around all night! 

GingerKing: Put your feet up Queen Hermione, you have truly outdone yourself 

HPSauce: I’m so proud of you Mione you did such an amazing job! 

TheBrains: Oh stop it you two :p it was a team effort

HPSauce: A team led by Queen Hermione

GingerKing: Long may she reign

HPSauce: Long may she motherfucking reign

TheBrains: *waves daintily from throne*

GingerKing: It was an amazing night 

HPSauce: The best 

GingerKing: Oh really? What was your favourite part then Harry? 

TheBrains: I’m too tired to decipher whatever this is

HPSauce: I finally met Trouble 

TheBrains: Oh my god

TheBrains: OH MY GOD

TheBrains: !!!

HPSauce: It’s Malfoy 

TheBrains: Ffs

GingerKing: Hahaha

GingerKing: Told you so

HPSauce: ???

TheBrains: I owe @GingerKing so many cheese scones now

HPSauce: Did you two bet on this???

TheBrains: Yes

GingerKing: Obvs

TheBrains: Oh

TheBrains: Seamus was in on it too...

HPSauce: Wtf

HPSauce: Seamus moved back to Derry last year how did he even know about this 

GingerKing: You know he loves a friendly wager

TheBrains: It did feel a bit weird not to include him

HPSauce: Fine

HPSauce: How long has the bet been going on then? 

TheBrains: We just did it on the first day 

GingerKing: That was the rule, couldn’t swap to someone else as we got more intel 

TheBrains: ‘intel’ XD

GingerKing: What

TheBrains: Nothing

TheBrains: It’s cute

GingerKing: Oh 


HPSauce: How did you even know I was going to keep messaging him

GingerKing: Harry, I hate to say this but you’re a bit predictable when it comes to Malfoy 

GingerKing: Even when you didn’t know it was Malfoy

GingerKing: Which made it all the more obvious it was Malfoy

TheBrains: Haha!

TheBrains: #ronlogic

GingerKing: Oh god I just had a thought, do we need to call him Draco now he’s your boyfriend? 


GingerKing: Draco

GingerKing: Draco

GingerKing: Draco

GingerKing: It’s weird, I don’t like it. I’m going to keep calling him Malfoy 

TheBrains: You can’t do that, it's rude!

GingerKing: It’s fine! I called him Malfoy when he was on my team the other day and he didn’t seem to mind! 

TheBrains: But he’s Harry’s boyfriend now, we need to call him Draco 

GingerKing: Ugh fine

HPSauce: I very much do not feel part of this conversation 

TheBrains: Sorry

GingerKing: Not sorry


HPSauce: Yes, we are seeing each other…?

HPSauce: Boyfriend though 

HPSauce: That’s a big deal

HPSauce: I really want him to be

HPSauce: I felt it was implied? 

HPSauce: Do I need to ask him formally do you think? 

HPSauce: I should ask him formally

HPSauce: He’s quite formal

HPSauce: With his posh overcoat

HPSauce: God he looks like a fucking spy

HPSauce: I’d definitely let him interrogate me

> GingerKing has left Group Chat: Golden Trio <

> TheBrains has left Group Chat: Golden Trio <






Subject: Yule Ball

Festive Greetings! 

It’s that most magical time of year and I for one am ecstatic about the upcoming Yuletide celebrations! 

The Beauxbaton Hotel & Bistro is such a wonderful location for this most auspicious occasion. After the resounding success of the unity dinner and the fireworks spectacular, the Yule Ball will be the icing on the proverbial cake of inter-school unity.

The history of the Hogwarts Independent School has indeed been a competitive one, though I sincerely doubt the founders of the original school intended for there to be such rivalry between the former “houses” or that we’d ever need to expand into the four separate schools we know today as the result of the growing population in the area.

Anywho, see you all on the 19th! 


Albus Dumbledore

Chairman of the Board of Governors

The Hogwarts Foundation Trust

[10:33] Group Chat: Golden Trio

TheBrains: I’ve been thinking, a limousine is a bit of a cliche don’t you think? I mean, I know we’d all be able to fit so it does have that practical element especially if we’re including Neville and Hannah now too but I’ve been doing a bit of light research and I think you’ll like some of the alternative ideas I’ve come up with…

TheBrains: img.247

TheBrains: img.248

TheBrains: img.249

TheBrains: img.250

TheBrains: img.251

TheBrains: img.252

TheBrains: img.253

TheBrains: I’ve got more but those are the best ones IMO 

TheBrains: Even with all 7 of us these are all viable options and they’re all still available! 

HPSauce: How the fuck did you find dragon-themed transport 

TheBrains: I knew you’d like that one! It’s technically a float so it’ll be a bit chilly and there’s no cover if it rains but it does look great doesn’t it

HPSauce: I think it’d be worth it just to see the look on McG’s face when we arrive

TheBrains: Hahaha

TheBrains: I’ll talk to the others and let you know what they say

TheBrains: What do you think @GingerKing? Which one do you like best? 

HPSauce: I think he’s at the allotments with his Dad today

TheBrains: Oh ok

TheBrains: I’ll catch up with him later

[10:49] Thanks for that

[10:49] You can’t keep avoiding her

[10:49] I know

[10:51] :-/

[10:51] I’m sorry

[10:52] It’s not your fault

[10:52] It is a bit 

[10:53] No it’s not

[10:53] I’m the one who kept putting it off like a stupid fucking twat 

[10:53] End of

[10:54] It’s not end of

[10:55] Harry

[10:55] Just let me sort this out this on my own ok 

[10:56] Fine




Subject: Your future



Have you heard from LSE yet? Only Tom hasn’t had a reference request through and the interview was weeks ago now. 



Lucius Malfoy, Esq.

Senior Partner

VDM & Associates 




Subject: Re: Your future


No. Is Mum ok? 






Subject: Re: Re: Your future


She’s fine, why wouldn’t she be? What’s Andromeda got a bee in her bonnet about now? 

Perhaps I should get in touch with LSE and find out what the delay is. I know your mother is still hoping for Oxford so you’ll be closer to home but if you’re in the city you’ll be able to start with VDM & Associates straight away. You need to think about your future Draco.




Lucius Malfoy, Esq.

Senior Partner

VDM & Associates 




Subject: Re: Re: Re: Your future


Don’t contact them. They’ll be busy because everyone is getting their applications in before the Christmas holidays. See you next weekend for dinner.



[Calling: Trouble <3]

[No Answer] 

[15:22] Are you nearly home???



[15:23] Argh I really wanted to give you a running commentary and I can’t wait until later so text will have to do

[15:24] Wait

> 1 Audio Message Received < 

“It’s me! Obviously. Eurgh, anyway. Oh my god, they’re still —right. Remember a few weeks ago I told you about that new teacher? The one who was looking at me a bit weird? Well, I just bumped into him when I was looking for your tea and it was all totally normal. Hello Harry, Hello Mr Lupin, blah blah blah. Anyway, I was walking out with Pads to the car and I saw him again going to his own car so I just waved. No big deal. But then obvs I had to explain to Pads why I was waving at some random man in the car park. And his face just goes all funny an d he’s like, Lupin? Lupin? Remus Lupin? Remus Fucking Lupin? The next thing I know he’s marching over there, huffing puffing and FUCKING HELL IT WAS SO DRAMATIC. I thought he was going to start kicking off or something but he just stops short and is STARING at him, and then I realise they’re both just STARING AT EACH OTHER. And then Pads just goes ‘Moony?’ and then my teacher, well he’s not really my teacher, Mr Lupin, fucking... Moony , or whatever, goes ‘Alright Padfoot’. And there’s more staring and frankly I feel bloody invisible at this point and then P ads goes ‘You absolute fucking prick’ and stalks over to him and just GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM! JUST STARTS SNOGGING WHOEVER-THE-FUCK-MOONY-IS and now they’re just standing with their arms round each other! I’m literally stood by the car like a fucking melon. With all the bags by the way and they’re—Oh my god Lupin is stroking Pads’ hair? What the fuck? —Oh I think they’re saying goodbye, Pads is coming back! He’s—...’ Who you talking to? ’...’Trouble’...’ Who the fuck’s trouble? ’...’Um, I think you mean who the fuck is Moony?’...’ (laughing) get in the car pup, I’ll explain on the way home’ ...I’ve got to go! Let me know when you get in and I’ll come and get you. Did you get to see the aerospace lab? Argh, I miss your face. Anyway, see you soon. Lov—“

> End of Audio Message <