Chapter 1: Coming Home
Chapter Text
EPISODE I: TURNABOUT RETURNABOUT
March 24th, 12:00 P.M.
Wright Anything Agency
The Boss's Desk
“Another day, and no lawyering to be done…” Phoenix smacked down his coffee mug and sighed longingly. It had been two months without a single case; the only money that the Wright Anything Agency had been making was from Trucy’s Big Honkin’ Magic Show. The money was slim pickin’s, and unfortunately, Phoenix had to make the tough decision of firing Athena; but she was a bitch anyways - Even Apollo couldn’t stand her. Through all the hardships he had suffered these past months, the one thing that brought him solace was waiting for the day that that one special person would come home. Glancing at his calendar, he became eager for eleven O’clock tonight. Finally, his suffering, his turmoil, and his torture would soon be relieved.
Suddenly, the door swung open with impeccable force. “M-Maya?!” Wright sprung out of his swiveling chair, almost falling out of it, only to see the blood-red vest of his coworker and friend, Apollo Justice. “Oh,'' Phoenix uttered. “It’s just you.”
“Gee, Mr. Wright, that magic show sure was a real bitch on the knees!” Apollo exclaimed with a swing of the arm and a slap of the knee.
“I take it you had fun?” Wright said with a slight chuckle. Apollo nodded enthusiastically.
"I sure did! Now I gotta ice these bad-boys! See you later, Boss!” Apollo cheered, limping into the room with a single refrigerator.
Wright rested his head on his palm and sighed, reminiscent of his days as a young novice lawyer. If only he had the same energy as he had all those years before. And, especially without that person around, he knew today was going to be a long one. The day dragged on like a snail on a treadmill. Phoenix couldn’t even bring himself to indulge in his regularly scheduled mid-day nap. Too much of that brew again. Indigestion ensued, as did a sense of boredom and staleness. Despite it all, he made it to the night.
March 24th, 10:59 P.M.
Wright Household
Wright tucked Trucy into her race-car bed, and placed a fatherly kiss on her forehead. A deep sense of long awaited excitement came over him. He peered at Trucy’s Felix the Cat clock. “Ten fifty-eight, huh?” It was almost time. Sitting down on his brown sofa, his thoughts were consumed with her. Even the very noticeable stain couldn’t distract him from his wandering mind. Does he look good enough? Will their chemistry be as strong? Did he gain weight? Will they be able to tackle another case? All these thoughts raced through his spiky-haired head. Just then, as he was becoming more and more lost in thoughts all alone, there was a light pounding on the door. Phoenix’s heart practically leaped out of his chest and did a jig. He began to inch towards the door, each step making his heart race faster. His shaking hand undid the lock. Turning the knob to meet face to face with fate. As he opened the door tears filled his eyes. And then, he saw her.
"Good to see you, Nick!" the woman said. "It's been a while, huh?" It was… Maya Fey?!
Chapter 2: The Edge of Adventure
Summary:
The beginning of the other side of the story, starring Miles Edgeworth and Dick Gumshoe. What adventures await this dynamic duo?
Chapter Text
March 24th, 12:00 P.M.
High Prosecutor’s Office
Room 1202
It was just another day in the High-Prosecutor's office. Miles Edgeworth had been up to his balls in paperwork. Finalizing cases, betting on the races, and looking at all the faces. “If only… I could have another substantial case..." Edgeworth sighed longingly. Nothing seemed to bring him pleasure anymore, even watching the new Steel-Samurai! Reboot wasn’t able to tickle his fancy. All of a sudden his door swung open.
“Heya, Pal!” It was his best friend... Dick Gumshoe?! His hulking mass eclipsed the rest of the office. “Why you sitting in the dark with only a single candle? That’s a fire hazard y’know!”
“What it do, Dick?” Miles responded, cracking a smile. Suddenly with the presence of his friend, Edgeworth’s flaccid mood became erect with happiness.
“Oh ho ho, not much. I’ve just been thinkin’ ‘bout Maggey lately,” Gumshoe explained putting his hands on his hips. Miles tapped his fountain pen gently on his desk.
“Ah, the old Byrde… How has she been?” He had never been too fond of Maggey, however she brings a smile to Gumshoe’s face, and to him, that’s all that matters.
“Oh, we’ve hung out a few times. We’re good buddies… but, I don’t know, I kinda like her more than that, Pal." Edgeworth leaned towards Gumshoe in his desk, barely missing the passionate flames of the candle.
“Ohhh, you’re Ms. Byrde’s love-bird! Oh ho ho ho hooo!” he replied, as Gumshoe blushed darkly.
“Oh, come on, Pal. What can I say? I’m just so nervous around her. She’s so fucking cute, and I look like a Hobo. It really gets my goose."
Miles could tell this was something that concerned Gumshoe greatly, and he would do anything to satisfy his friend. He stared down at his paperwork. Perhaps, he should open a curtain, he couldn't see shit. But, that’s not here nor there. Edgeworth’s piercing grey eyes burrowed into the depths of Gumshoe’s very soul, and he smirked. He pointed with precision and exclaimed, “Well, I have a solution!”. Gumshoe tilted his head in a confused manner.
“What ever could you possibly mean, Mr. Edgeworth?”
“Elementary, my dear Gumshoe." he climbed onto the top of his desk taking his sweet, sweet time, “I will spiff you up! Ergo…” he continues, jumping off his desk and landing in front of Gumshoe, “We must venture to the local mall-asium! Payne, do my work!” As Miles dragged Gumshoe out of his office, Payne grunted in a rather sub-human manner, limping to Edgeworth’s office to complete the mountain of paperwork.
Chapter 3: The Reunion
Summary:
Maya Fey has finally arrived to the Wright Household. An emotional reunion, and the rekindling of the flame...
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 24, 11:00 P.M.
Wright Household
“Nick!” Maya tackled Phoenix, knocking him onto the ground, shaking the whole house.
“What the fuck was that!?” Trucy yelled from her race-car bed.
“Language, young lady! Now get back to bed!” Phoenix said with Maya on top of him. And with that, Trucy fell right back to sleep. Phoenix wrapped his arms around Maya’s waist, and burrowed his head into the crook of her neck. He noticed her breasts had somehow gotten bigger, but it was neither here nor there, so he said nothing of it. All that was on his mind was that she was finally back from her years-long spiritual journey in the Kingdom of Khura'in.
“Aw, Nick, you’re crying like a little girl!” Maya teased. “You must really like me!”
“Maya! I don’t know how I’ve gone on without you…” Phoenix sobbed. Maya stood up, helping Nick back to his feet. They embraced once more. Phoenix had already set up the bed for Maya, he had no qualms giving up his own resting place.
“Y’know, I set up my bed for you. It’s all yours for the night.” Hearing this, Maya blushed lightly, and punched Nick on the shoulder.
“Aw! All this for me? You’re really spoiling me.” She said, slightly blushing. Phoenix picked up her bags, and threw them onto the couch.
“Apollo will deal with those later. Anyways, sit down for a second and I’ll go get you some water. You must be thirsty”. Phoenix could only hope that had more than one meaning. Maya pulled up a seat to the candle lit dining room table. She ran her supple fingers through her hair. Phoenix came back with a glass of water containing four ice cubes exactly-just how she liked it. Maya snatched the cup and took a big ol’ swig.
“Wow, this water is way better than the shit they’ve got in Khura’in!”, Maya exclaimed.
“Speaking of Khura’in, how was it this time?” Phoenix asked quizzically.
“Well, I guess it was just a run of the mill second world country, y’know? Not quite third, but not quite first either.” Phoenix didn’t answer, but he knew exactly what Maya meant.
“All I can think of is that cheese smell back when we were there, is it still like that?” Phoenix asked inquisitively. Maya nodded,
“What? Did you expect it to not smell like that? Just ‘cause it’s got a new leader doesn’t mean anything has really changed… At least, in a that sense." Nick let out a chortle. The two then continued to talk for three hours, twenty three minutes, and six seconds. A blissfully tired Phoenix finally spoke up:
“You need to get some rest, Maya. Tomorrow is a big day. After me and Apollo clean out Athena’s old area, we’ll make it your own.” Maya blinked curiously.
“But, why would I need my own office space, Nick?” Maya asked, to which Phoenix smiled warmly at her.
“Well, what would I do without my old assistant back in the office?”
Chapter 4: Gumshoe's Day Out
Summary:
Following the previous Edgeworth chapter, Edgeworth and Gumshoe have an adventure at the mall to spiff the good detective up. And maybe, they'll even run into some familiar faces...
Edgeworth's side.
Chapter Text
March 24th, 12:15 P.M.
High Prosecutor’s Office
Parking Lot: VIP Section
Edgeworth and Gumshoe darted to his red Alfa Romeo GTV. Looking back up at his window, Miles noticed it was open. “Payne! You dimwit! Close those windows this instant!” Payne stuck his head out the window, and hissed, then closed them along with the curtains. “I tell you, Dick. That Payne is more trouble than he’s worth,” Miles sighed.
“I guess you could say he’s a real pain, huh, pal?!” Gumshoe slapped his left knee, proud of his joke. Edgeworth sighed, with a slight chuckle sprinkled throughout the pain he felt from Gumshoe’s pun. That’s just what made him his best friend, though. As the two entered his fancy imported sports car, Gumshoe was in disbelief. “I don’t even own a car, pal! I had to sell mine to pay my rent!” Edgeworth looked at him with synonyms for shocked, and shook his head whilst starting the engine.
“I told you, I’d let you live with me!” Tears echoed throughout Gumshoe’s ducts.
“Y-you really mean it, pal? I thought it was just a funny haha.” Edgeworth put his hand firmly on Gumshoe’s shoulder, and assured him:
“Of course I mean it. But we’ll burn that bridge when we get there.” Gumshoe let out a salty tear.
“Thanks, pal. That means the whole world and more.” Edgeworth looked at his mirrors, backed out, and stopped for a moment.
“Now, let’s put the spice… in Dick Gumshoe!” He slammed on the gas, and they were off in a split second. Payne looked outside, longingly. His jealousy was building like a builder building a building.
“If only I could be part of their world…” He grumbled, with a slight, sad pat on the head.
March 24th, 12:30 P.M.
The Very Big Mall
They pulled up to the mall parking lot. “Now, where should we go? Gucci, Versace, Nordstrom, how about…” Miles was interrupted by Gumshoe.
“Woah, woah, woah! I can’t afford all that. How about the Goodwill across the street?” Miles scoffed.
“Oh, Dick, you silly-billy. It’s my treat!” He grabbed Gumshoe by the arm, “Oh, fuck it! We’ll check ‘em all!” And they ran so far away, like a flock of seagulls. Miles’ mind first went to Gucci. He could only imagine how tight Gumshoe’s ass would look in a pair of pants from there - And how they did. After some time Gumshoe stepped out with a brand new spankin’ collection of pants, shirts, and otherwise. They repeated this method at the other stores. Oftentimes, when Gumshoe would step out of the dressing room, Edgeworth only had one word to say: “Damn”. Despite how the prices on the tags intimidated him, Dick was feeling more confident about his hearty body than ever before. After leaving Nordstrom, Edgeworth pointed at a deli across the hall. “There! We dine there!” The two bolted to the deli, bags in hand.
March 24th, 4:00 P.M.
Deli?
The Counters
“Why, welcome to the Delite Deli!”. It was… Desiree Delite?!
“Oh my fucking God, pal! It’s you. How’s the ol’ ball and chain?” Gumshoe questioned enthusiastically. Miles was a tad confused; he had no idea how Gumshoe knew this woman.
“Who is she?” Miles asked in a hushed breath.
“Sit down! Sit down!” Desiree exclaimed. “Oh, we’ve been great! All thieves have basically been eradicated so we decided to open this little slice of heaven!” she winked. “Anyways, what do you boys want to drink?”
“Coffee!” both exclaimed simultaneously at the same time. Desiree giggled and went to make some.
“Did somebody say coffee?” a mysterious voice echoed throughout their ear canals. Edgeworth and Gumshoe looked back, but saw no one.
“Ah… must have been the wind,'' Miles said. Desiree brought back two cups of coffee.
“Okay, do you know what you want to eat?” Both of them looked up at her and ordered variations of sandwiches, both involving some fresh, fresh turkey. Desiree nodded, and looked back to the kitchen. “Oh, Ronnie!” she yelled. “Get me two turkey sammies - one on wheat, one on pumpernickel!” Ron peered his adorable face out the door. “Coming right up… Wait just a moment pleeeeeeeeeaaaassse!” Edgeworth and Gumshoe began to drink their cups of joe.
“Gee pal, what a day! You’re really doing a lot for me, I really appreciate it, y’know?”
“Of course, Dick. Your company does a lot for me too. I’ve been… down in the dumps, as they say.” Gumshoe slapped Edgeworth on the back, cracking his spine in the process.
“Aw, pal! Well, we’re in it together!” The two smiled, and continued to drink their coffee.
“Dick!” the voice of a supple young female echoed through the deli. The two looked back, but unlike the mysterious mystery man, there was in fact, a figure there. One Gumshoe knew all too well. It was… Maggey Byrde?!
“Oh boy, pal! I didn’t think to see you here!” Gumshoe bellowed, in excitement, and slight arousal. Maggey walked into the deli, but stumbled, beginning to fall. Gumshoe launched himself off his chair, and slid onto his knees, so when she fell, she landed in his big, chunky, arms.
“Gotcha!” Gumshoe yelled triumphantly. Maggey and Gumshoe’s eyes met as he helped her up. Perhaps, this was the spark that Gumshoe needed to light the fires of love.
”Thanks Dick! I probably would’ve cracked my tooth open if it hadn’t been for you!” Gumshoe chuckled, somewhat embarrassed, but mostly enraptured by her womanly charm. Edgeworth gave Gumshoe the thumbs up. He knew this was a good move.
“Oh, Mr. Edgeworth is here too!” Maggey squaked. Edgeworth waved but got back to his coffee.
“Well… I have to go now. But it was really nice seeing you guys!” As she left, she ran into a pole. She smiled back at him nonetheless. Gumshoe smiled back, but then sat down.
“Boy, I tell ya’, pal. What I’d do to be in that snatch! Oh, she's so cute...” Miles cleared his throat. Desiree came back to see them and leaned towards Gumshoe.
“I see you’ve got yourself a little crush!” Gumshoe looked down in embarrassment.
“Yeah, but…I don’t think she likes me that way.” Desiree put her hand on his shoulder.
“Well, let me tell you. Ron thought that same thing. But now? We go together like coffee and that old prosecutor… Gobo, was his name?” While she pondered, Ron stuck his face back out from the kitchen.
“Ask her out, pleeeeeeeaaase! It’ll be worth it. Or… maybe not, I don’t know…” Dessie slapped the table.
“See?! We’re all behind you, buddy!” Edgeworth nodded. Gumshoe felt a rush of happiness inside him. He felt for once that he was loved. As Ron personally brought the two their lunch, they all began to laugh.
March 24th, 6:00 P.M.
The Very Big Mall
Parking Lot
Later on, the two went back to their car. The sun was setting, painting the sky in vibrant colors of gold, scarlet, perrywinkle, a light pink, a dash of green, maybe a bit of violet in there if you’re lucky, but mostly orange. Their bags were even more plentiful, weighing at a solid high number.
“Ahh, let me tell you pal, I feel edified!” Edgeworth spun around and pointed at Gumshoe.
“Well, now that we’ve got that taken care of, let’s go home. Payne can figure out the rest of that bullshitty bullshit paperwork.” They linked arms, and skipped back to his crimson red Alfa Romeo GTV. As they drove home, the sun continued to set.
“Gee, pal. I’ll finally be sleeping in an actual bed!” This warmed Miles’ heart. He felt as if he were smack dab in the middle of Ramadan, giving to the poor and needy. But it was more than just a poor, needy man. It was his best buddy, Richard T. Gumshoe. The day was over, but it was only the beginning of the fun.
Chapter 5: Return to the Office
Summary:
Maya Fey makes her triumphant return to the Wright Anything Agency. What does the future hold for this reunion?
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 25th, 2:00 PM
Wright Anything Agency
The door of the Wright Anything Agency swung open briskly. “Wow!” Maya exclaimed. “You two have been cleaning Athena’s old corner all day?” Maya asked with a flick of the wrist.
“Well of course,'' Phoenix said. “We have to make it perfect for you.” Apollo got up from under the table, bucket and sponge in hand, and took a deep breath.
“Gee, that bitch had a fish stank like you wouldn’t believe!” Apollo said, while hopping two inches off the ground. Wright ruffled Apollo’s hair.
“Language, boy! But she sure did, Apollo. She sure did. '' The entire office roared in laughter. “But, anyways… I know you’re gonna become our new old assistant, but how? You’re the Master of the Technique now... That’s quite a huge responsibility. You said you had it all worked out?” Phoenix questioned.
"Yep! You see…I did some phone calls at around... Oh, 4 A.M. after you told me that I was coming back. I’m proud to announce that this agency will be partnering with Kurain Village!” Phoenix and Apollo went into a catatonic shock.
“W-w-what?!” Nick screamed. “But how? That’s- that’s impossible! So many new responsibilities, we might not even be able to-” He was cut off by Maya,
“Don’t be a shithead, Nick! All I’m gonna do is channel here." Phoenix accepted this.
“Oh, more money. Sick!” Phoenix said, as Maya hugged him tightly, overjoyed that her two favorite things could be together at last. And she didn’t mean her breasts, she meant spirit channeling and law.
“Well,” Phoenix uttered, “I say that warrants a trip to the village, doesn’t it?”
“You betcha’!” Apollo and Trucy jumped for joy, and Maya smiled brightly, like a field of daisies under the sunshine.
“But first,” Phoenix announced, “how about we have some coffee? We shall discuss the trip there over some brew”. Suddenly a voice echoed through the office:
“Did somebody say coffee?!” The whole gang peered outside the window and saw nothing.
“Must have been the wind,'' they all exclaimed in unison. They went back to their coffee to discuss their odyssey.
Chapter 6: The Inspection
Summary:
This is the big one. We have been very excited to post THIS bad boy. This chapter is one of our, if not, our ABSOLUTE favorite and best chapter. We truly believe that this sets a precedent, nay, a tipping point to when this story goes from just your average Ace Attorney fanfiction, to something truly epic. Please enjoy, as we present to you... The Inspection.
Edgeworth's side.
Chapter Text
March 25th, 8:36 A.M.
Edgeworth Estate
“Gumshoe~!” Edgeworth called in a sing-song manner. Gumshoe was resting his pretty little big head on a queen-sized bed. It was the first time he had slept on something so nice in ages. Back at his old apartment he had nothing but a cot. He groggily opened his eyes and sat up. His large hairy chest slipped its way through the covers.
“Uhn?” he grunted. “Come in, Mr. Edgeworth.” Miles burst through the door, adorned in silken robes and a night-cap.
“Oh, come now, Dick. I told you you can call me ‘Miles’.” Gumshoe put his hand behind his head, embarrassed. “Come, come, I made eggs and bakey. And some smiley-face pancakes, just the way you like it.”
“Oh boy!” Gumshoe yelled, sprinting to the kitchen, shirt still off. He felt the morning breeze through his chest hair. As he sat down, Miles set down a fully loaded plate in front of Gumshoe.
“I haven’t eaten this much in years!” Gumshoe gulped down his meal with impeccable speed. Miles was more than impressed to say the least. During breakfast they began to delve into a conversation about Gumshoe’s love-life. "What can I do, Edgeworth? I'm just so nervous around Maggey!" Gumshoe asked with a horrific look on his face. Edgeworth pondered for exactly two minutes, and then raised his finger high in the air.
"Schwing!" he declared. Gumshoe knew, on the rare chance he said ‘Schwing’, that only trouble could be nigh. "Well clearly, your liking of little weenies only suggests you feel self-conscious about your OWN weenie. Ergo, you must take off your pants and show me, so I, the expert prosecutor Miles Edgeworth can rate it on an objective level." Gumshoe's jaw unhinged in shock. His own little weenie? To his partner who has been at his side in every case? He sat down, put his jaw back in place, and pondered for approximately forty-five seconds, to when he looked Edgeworth straight in the eyes and said:
"’Ya know what, pal? I think I will! It's the only way - I need an expert's advice!" Gumshoe let down his large pants, revealing a MASSIVE honker. Edgeworth was FLOORED, to the point where he almost fell back in his chair in shock.
"Good God, that's a third leg!” he exclaimed. The part that truly tossed his turnabout was that it was completely and utterly flaccid. Not a single ounce of arousal juice was flowing through it, but he could only imagine if it was rock hard. This was no little weenie, and despite the ignorant foolish assumptions Gumshoe made about it, it was anything but.
“You really think so? I always thought it was average.” he shrugged. Miles was speechless, and couldn’t tear his eyes away.
“I must see it!” he proclaimed.
“See it? It’s right here, pal!” Miles dashed out of the room and to his utility drawer, where he also kept his gun. He grabbed a tape measure, and ran back out of breath.
“No, you ignorant foolish lovely man. I must see it… erect!” he yelled with his finger pointing in the air.
He then placed his hand on his chin, and muttered to himself. “Now, how to get you… Eureka! I got it!” Gumshoe stood there feeling confused and rather exposed. “Now think about Maggey and-” suddenly, in the blink of an eye, Dick’s dick went from flaccid to erect. In the great speed it swung at, it bounced a bit like a doorstop. Miles clutched his heart. “How could you have lived your whole life without knowing what a stallion you are?!” Gumshoe made confused noises not knowing where he was going with this.
“I guess I- I don’t know actually. I… well this is embarrassing, but… I’m a virgin, pal.” he smiled sheepishly. Miles couldn’t believe that this was real life, and that this man standing before him wasn’t a divine projection from the heavens themselves.
“Do- do you mind if I…” he asked, holding up his tape measure. Gumshoe blushed, and nodded silently, while putting his hands behind his back. Edgeworth dropped to his knees and shuffled over. He carefully extended the tape. He began to whisper, “Seven… eight… N-nine?!” Miles reeled back. Gumshoe looked down at him.
“So, is nine big or somethin’?” Gumshoe asked as Edgeworth rose to his feet.
“Listen, pull your pants up, Dick. This is the most marvelous piece of work I’ve ever witnessed, trust me. The old Byrde will love it!” Gumshoe finally let out a smile.
“Gee, so, am I ready?” Miles nodded slowly,
“You most certainly are, my friend. But first, would you like a pot of coffee?”
“Sure would!” Gumshoe said, still at half-chub. Suddenly, a familiar voice rang through the house,
“Did somebody say ‘coffee’?” The two looked back and saw nothing.
“Must have been the wind again. It’s been going- or should I say- blowing crazy lately…” Edgeworth stated. Him and Gumshoe chuckled into the day.
Chapter 7: The March
Summary:
The Wright group begins their trek towards the mystical village of Kurain. Adventure awaits, and maybe even the return of an old friend...
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 26th, 10:00 A.M.
The Wright Household
Wright’s Garage
The gang stood outside Phoenix’s garage. A cart full of suitcases was being loaded. Goods and services aplenty! “Papa?” Trucy called. “Why are we going to Kurain on foot?” Phoenix patted her hat and scoffed in a fatherly manner:
“Dramatic effect, my dear.” Trucy understood and had no qualms, besides she wanted to hear Apollo’s heavenly chords of steel. Maya was excited and squeezed his lawyerly arm. Phoenix hoped that this was a sign, and felt his stomach flutter. “Well, we are almost ready. We are just waiting for-” Apollo emerged from the house and shouted,
“I’m ready for ‘ya! Bring it on!” With two halves of a coconut in hand, he walked briskly over to them. Phoenix picked up Apollo’s harness, and strapped it on him, connecting to the cart.
“Are we all ready?” Everyone jumped and yelled, “Yeah!” Phoenix gave a quick nod and pointed his large meaty finger out, “Onward, mule-boy!” Apollo cheered and began to clack his coconuts, mimicking a horses’ trot. Neighbors were looking, but thought nothing of it. Thus, the trek to Kurain had finally began.
March 26th, 11:00 AM
The Fields
Down the path, Trucy and Apollo were engaged in their usual chitter-chatter.
"Wow, Apollo!" Trucy said mockingly. "You don't know the difference between a Hentai and an Ecchi? Pathetic!" She laughed. Apollo reared his head towards Phoenix.
"Gee Mr. Wright, what's a Hentai mean?"
"L-Later, Apollo!!" Phoenix said, dismissively, yet in a slightly frantic manner. He then realized something and glared back at his precious daughter. “Trucy, how do you know what a Hentai is?!” Trucy pondered his question, really considering her options of how she would answer. She smirked.
“Papa, how do YOU know what a Hentai is?” she asked inquisitively. Phoenix cleared his throat, apprehensively. He turned toward Maya, hoping she would say something to distract Trucy. She didn't.
"I...uh..." Phoenix stuttered. This backtalk by Trucy really cooked his goose. He had no words. But of course, Apollo was there to break the silence.
"I get it now! That's what they do to chickens!" All of them laughed, at his young, naive, miniscule brain.
"Oh, Apollo!" Phoenix uttered. "But seriously, young lady. We have to talk later." Trucy rolled her eyes in a rebellious teenage manner, as if they were the revolutionaries on the front of the new world.
As they continued walking Maya had an idea. “Hey, Apollo? Do you mind playing some tunes for us, there’s gotta be a radio in the cart somewhere?”
“I could go for some tunes now,'' Phoenix said agreeingly. Apollo looked around, but alas, there was no radio. In the depths of his mind, a brilliant idea sprung to fruition. He cleared his throat and announced:
“There might not be a radio; But there’s me!” The gang swiveled around to look at him, dumbfounded. Apollo began belting out tunes, starting with The Witch Doctor. Phoenix despised this song and screamed, “Change it! Change it!” Apollo made a static noise and began to sing Read Me My Rights by Brantley Gilbert. He sang the instruments perfectly, along with clacking his coconuts to the beat. Trucy began to violently punch the air, and kick to the lyrics. Phoenix looked back at his daughter and shook his head.
“Youth…” he rolled his eyes. Maya giggled, amused by the children’s enthusiasm and Nick’s distress. A couple of songs later and Apollo sang the opening theme to The Steel Samurai! Phoenix and Maya looked longingly into each others eyes. They remembered their first case together. And, even though he was slightly embarrassed by it, Nick loved the Steel Samurai! No words were said, but they both knew they were thinking the same thing. Just then, a blood curdling scream could be heard. They looked and saw a man wearing a Taqiyah coming at them on a bike. He crashed into the cart, knocking over Apollo.
“Ouch! Gee whiz, that’s smarts!! Oof, ouch, owie!” Apollo yelled with a panicked smile on his face. Phoenix peered at the man, instantly recognizing him.
“I knew it started to stink around here…” It was…Larry Butz?!
The Butz got up, and dusted himself off. “Ha-hey! It’s you guys!” He embraced Nick and Maya tightly.
“Uh… Larry, why are you wearing that?” Maya questioned. Larry chuckled.
“Oh, my new girl, ‘Za-ha-ruh’ got me into this super cool thing! It’s called… uh… Is-lamb? And by the way, it’s Laurice. Or Laith, now too.” Phoenix and Maya had Anime sweatdrops hanging from their heads.
Maya leaned into Nick and whispered, “This isn’t gonna last...” Phoenix gave Maya an understanding glance.
“You mean, um, Islam, Lar-I mean, uh... Laith?” Larry’s eyes lit up, “
Yeah! That’s it. You know praying to ‘Al’ and all that. Eating' none of that pig no more.” He seemed proud of himself.
“Uh huh…” Phoenix uttered. “So, where are you headed off to, Larry?”
“Oh, well,” Larry said while picking up his bike, “Going to see my mom up in Hazakura Temple. She’s making hotdogs tonight!” He hopped on his bike and waved back to them. “Later guys! ‘Wah-da-an!’, I gotta bounce!” He sped off into the horizon.
“Bye!” they all chimed. And continued on the path. Maya looked at Phoenix.
“H-he does know those are made of pork, right?”
“I don’t even know anymore...”
“Well you know what they say about him!” Apollo chimed in, the whole group erupting in laughter, as they continued on. Kurain was looming closer and closer. Soon, they would reach the town of their destiny.
March 26th, 12:02 P.M.
Kurain Village
Outskirts
About an hour and two minutes passed. They saw a sign that said “KURAIN VILLAGE IS HERE” painted on the big wooden board.
“What a big sign!” Maya shrieked. “It must be new!” Phoenix, Trucy, and Apollo were awe-struck.
“It must have taken a lot of manpower to get that baby up there!” Apollo said, enthusiastically.
“You’re telling me, babycakes!” Phoenix said to Apollo.
“Babycakes…?” Trucy questioned. Phoenix glared.
“Don’t question me, daughter!”
But enough of the banter, they finally saw the familiar houses, and the giant erect stone. Phoenix hoped he’d be feeling like that later. Little did she know, Maya would be feeling that later too- her pure mind couldn’t get it right away, though.
“Hey, Nick! Look what I made!” she yelled, pointing to the Kurain stone.
“That’s a stone, Maya. You didn’t make it…” Phoenix responded. Maya nodded rapidly.
“I chiseled it!!!”
Phoenix was in disbelief of this newfound fact. Suddenly, a pearlescent figure came running to the entrance.
"Mystic Maya! Mr. Nick!" A familiar voice echoed through the whole village, exceeding the sound barrier. The shock wave made Apollo fall over, and Trucy came tumbling after. At the force equivalent of 60 volts straight to the nipples, a grown Pearl, just over merely four-and-a-half feet tall, glomped Maya and Nick. Phoenix was winded and practically felt his life flash before his eyes.
“Pearly!!” “Pearls!!” They both said in unison. It was...Pearl Fey?!?
Chapter 8: Good News
Summary:
Edgeworth, going through his day, finally hears some good news from old Gummy. What does fate have in store for the good detective?
Edgeworth's side.
Chapter Text
March 25th, 12:03 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
A few hours passed by at Edgeworth’s estate. Gumshoe had left to go do something, he didn’t say what. “Oh, I hope he didn’t crash my red Alfa Romeo GTV. Oh, well… I own many more; all different shades of red, my favorite color.” Just then, as Miles enjoyed his imported Asian herbal tea that cost him a lot of money, his door creaked open.
“I did it, Pal!” Gumshoe announced triumphantly while pumping his fists in the air, and playing the air-guitar all while doing a jump kick.
“Oh, you bought those groceries like I asked you to?” Gumshoe stopped his shenanigans.
“Oh, shit. I forgot. But on the bright side, guess who asked Maggey out on a date?!” Edgeworth instantly forgot how enraged he was at Gumshoe for forgetting the groceries.
“Well done, old Chap!” Miles stood up to embrace Gumshoe. “No homo, Dick.” Gumshoe hugged him back tighter, and lifted his weak little body off the ground. After being set down, Edgeworth put his finger to his head.
“It’s time for dress-up! We need to customize the perfect outfit for your date. Where did you say you two were going anyway?” Gumshoe put his hand behind his head.
“We don’t know yet. I was thinking that… uh… Chunky Cheese place? Y’know with the mouse?” Miles frantically grabbed Gumshoe by the shoulders and violently shook him,
“No! This isn’t how you’re supposed to play the game! What are you thinking you moronic dimwit?! Maggey is a lady, and as such should be treated like one!” Gumshoe felt embarrassed that he would ever consider a place like Chunky Cheese to take her, Edgeworth was right. “You should take her to Providence, the most expensive restaurant in Los Angeles!” Miles suggested. “Here!” he yelled, as he shoved a thousand big greens into Gumshoe’s face. Gumshoe set it down on the table and began to tear up.
“I haven’t had this much since ‘08 before the housing crisis…” Edgeworth scoffed.
“I was in lower Saxony at the time, I wouldn’t know. But, that’s neither here nor there. We must get you dressed up!” Miles escorted Gumshoe to his walk-in closet, and picked out only the best clothes they had bought the other day. Miles made sure to help Gumshoe accentuate his lofty bulge. After he was all dressed up and ready, Edgeworth and Gumshoe chewed the fat for a couple hours, these conversations were pretty good but there isn’t enough time in the day to go through all of them. Finally the hour came, Maggey had arrived and honked her horn and screamed:
“Dick! I’m here!”
Gumshoe was frantic and smoothed his hair down with his spit. He lifted his head up and stood tall. As he walked past Miles uttered, “Go get her, Tiger!” and smacked Gumshoe’s fat ass. Gumshoe left, his destiny awaited him.
Chapter 9: A Day In Kurain
Summary:
The Wright group spends a day in the village of Kurain. What startling events will unfold in this newfound location our heroes find themselves in?
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 26th, 12:02 P.M.
Kurain Village
After a long and hard glomping the three all got up and dusted themselves off. “Hey, Apollo! You and Trucy go unload the bags in the guest rooms. We’ll come back later,” Phoenix shouted.
“You got it Mr. Wright!” Apollo and Trucy skipped off into town, where a rather old and weathered looking woman stared at them, and went back into her home, grumbling unintelligibly. Pearl just then realized what she was looking at.
“Wow! Mystic Maya!” she shrieked, inching even closer to Maya. “Your tits are HUGE!" She fondled them playfully. Maya looked down at Pearl.
“You ain’t too bad yourself! Anyways... How’s it been, Pearly?!” Maya asked, happy to see her number one favorite cousin again.
“Well, it’s been pretty okay. Could've been better if you were around more though. What kept you?” Pearl questioned.
“Oh… Well, I had to stay in Khura’in because of all the problems that rose up. I only meant to be gone for a month, but then the palace caught on fire, and then the weasels broke out, and the measles broke out too. Lucky my mom had me and Mia vaccinated.” Pearl nodded. “
Mystic Misty is so thoughtful! In Kurain it is tradition not to vaccinate your kids! That’s at least what mother always said.” Phoenix took a step back from Pearl. “But, it’s okay! I got them all yesterday at the Hotti Clinic. That weird old man kept trying to get a look at my gooch, even though I told him I only needed some shots. Thankfully, the security guards locked him back in his room.” Maya just smiled at this.
“So… after all these years, I hope it’s true, Mr. Nick.” Pearl stated in hopeful manner. Phoenix raised an eyebrow,
“Uh, what’s true?” he asked laughing awkwardly. Pearl took a long stride so she was an inch away from his face.
“Are you… finally… Mystic Maya’s… Pussy-Pulverizer 5000?!” Both Phoenix and Maya froze with fear in their hearts, and embarrassment in their eyes.
“Pearl!” Maya screamed covering her mouth, and whispered to her, “Why would you say that?” Pearl moved Maya’s salty hands away from her mouth. Phoenix was as red as Edgeworth’s Crimson Alfa Romeo GTV, and could feel his pants tightening by the second. Thankfully, he wore the tightest of Champion underwear that day, to keep everything loose in place.
“Oh, well over the phone last month you said you got a Pussy-Pulverizer 5000, and I just assumed that you meant Mr. Nick,” Pearl said slightly concerned.
“No, no! It’s an imported Japanese Fuck-Machine, it’s not a person!” Maya corrected. Apollo came running back to grab a bag he dropped and overheard the commotion.
“Pussy-Pulverizer 5000?! I thought those babies were banned in America!” he walked away, forgetting the bag. Phoenix remained silent, still trying to subdue his raging hard-on. He knew that in his heart, in his mind, and in his pants his feelings weren’t just an after-thought anymore. But why now of all times? In front of Pearls and Maya? He really wanted to just be alone.
“I’m… uh, gonna go use the use little boy’s room,'' he said while running off at a blistering speed.
“I wonder what’s gotten into him?” Maya questioned. Pearl went back up next to Maya and whispered:
“But really, do you actually like him?” Maya looked around to make sure it was just her and Pearl - The old lady would be fine too, she’s deaf and blind and she can’t taste real good.
“To tell you the truth, I’ve kinda been crushin’ on him since the Engarde case. He went through so much effort just for me, I masturbate to the thought every night,” Maya said blushing darkly.
“Sick!” Pearl sqee’d. They walked into the Fey family manor.
March 26th, 6:30 P.M.
Fey Manor
Interior
After some hours of lounging and whimsy, it was dinner time. Pearl brought out six bowls of her famous macaroni and cheese. It tasted amazing, but Trucy had to give a piece of her mind. “This isn’t very traditional…” She said, playing with a macaroni noodle with her fork, looking at it with an air of skepticism.
Phoenix laughed in a loving manner and announced: “Don’t be a Bitch, Trucy!” Everyone laughed, and then continued to devour the delightful, delectable, decadent, divine, and delicious mac-n-cheese. Pearl looked longingly at the sixth bowl that was unoccupied. “
Say, why is there a sixth bowl there? More for me!” Maya exclaimed. Apollo looked disappointed.
“Oh, I was just expecting another guest is all, an old friend. But, I guess he isn’t coming,” Pearl sighed. Upon hearing the word ‘friend’ this triggered Apollo’s fight or flight response and he began belting out the Friends theme. Before he could get too far, Trucy clonked him on the head. Everyone laughed at their foolishness. “That’s my daughter,” Phoenix chuckled.
“The macaroni was marvelous, Pearl. But, I’m gonna go make a few phone calls in the courtyard.”
He got up and then Pearl mentioned, “Oh, we actually don’t have enough space for everyone to have their own room, so I thought you and Mystic Maya could share a room since you’re so close.” Phoenix froze, he knew this was a set-up by Pearl, but was slightly thankful. Could this be the push he needed? He walked off without saying much except: “That’s fine.” Pearl was a little disappointed at how dismissive he seemed, possibly he saw through her logic and trick. Apollo and Trucy also dismissed themselves to go look around town, leaving Pearl and Maya.
Maya seemed upset, “Do you think he doesn’t want to be around me?” Maya asked. Pearl shook her head.
“No, I could totally see his boner earlier when we were talking about your Pussy Pulverizer 5000!” Maya felt comforted by this and smiled, finally.
“I think… maybe this should be the night I tell him. It’ll at least get it off my chest after holding it in for ten years.” Pearl gasped and bobbed up and down.
"Totally! Do it, do it!”
Maya rose to her feet, proudly. Pearl did as well. Maya marched toward the door leading to the courtyard. “Here I go, Pearly,” she said with unfathomable confidence. “You do it, Mystic Maya! GO GET THAT DICK !” she said with a hearty slap to Maya’s ass. The whole village could hear this. Phoenix heard it too, but thought nothing of it. Maya was ready to face her destiny.
March 26th, 7:00 P.M.
Fey Manor
The Courtyard
Maya spotted Phoenix in the courtyard and walked over to him. He was gazing longingly at the stars just as Maya was gazing longingly at him. “Oh, Maya, I didn’t see you there,” he said shakily.
“It’s pretty cold here, huh? Going straight to the nipples!” Maya announced. Suddenly, the whole mood changed in the snap of an eye. Maya leaned in towards him and put her hands on his shoulders. “Listen. There’s something I’ve been meaning to say to you for a long-ass time now.” Phoenix’s heart started pounding, unsure of where this conversation would go. “I’ve been madly in love with you for the past ten years. I just never knew how to convey it to you. So, I kept it under wraps, hoping you would make the first move…” Maya said shakily, some of her confidence slipping away. Phoenix was shocked and grabbed her hands and lowered them from his shoulders.
“M-Maya… I… have always felt the same way”. Maya felt a rush of relief but also more growing anxiety. Phoenix still had her wrists in his hands and pulled her in for a hug. He ran his fingers through her hair and said, “Oh my God, I never thought this day would come. I never thought I would actually have a chance with someone amazing like you…” Maya looked up at him and smiled.
“Look who’s talking Mr. Hot-Shot lawyer”. They embraced like this for a few more minutes.
“So, wanna bang?”, they both questioned at the same second. Upon realizing this, they laughed and gave eachother the finger-guns, happy they were both on the same page.
“Okay, but… I’m a Virgin.” Maya whispered.
“Oh, don’t worry,'' Phoenix said, “I can manage.” And with that, the two entered their room.
March 26th, 7:15 P.M.
Fey Manor
Guest Room
Inside the room, Maya disrobed while sitting on the mat, a frilly bra showing. “Just how I like ‘em!” Phoenix thought to himself. Maya seemed a bit different to him though. “What’s wrong, Maya?” He said, with his shirt flying off of him.
“Well… It’s just…” Phoenix leaned down towards her, and yelled:
“HOLD IT! Just what?” He was hoping everything was okay. This night couldn’t be soured - It was the best night of his life.
“I’m just… so nervous. I mean, my body isn’t all that great!” Phoenix scoffed and yelled “OBJECTION!” Maya was blown away that he used the big 'O'.
“Are you kidding me? You’re hotter than the sun!” Maya looked up at him, doubting his words.
“Well... Mr. Lawyer. Do you have evidence, that you’re really attracted to me?” Phoenix put his finger on his chin.
“So words weren’t enough, huh? Well… I guess I’ll just have to break out the court record.” Maya was confused by what he meant. Phoenix then opened the menu of his mind, and searched the court records of his brain. He realized the only thing he could show her - It was up and at 'em anyways. He slowly unzipped his pants, his cock tumbling out, he yelled his classic phrase: “TAKE THAT!” Maya was taken aback by this evidence. She thought it was pretty huge, but was it? It was the first time she’d ever see one up close and personal.
“Huh. Nice. I can get down with this.” Maya then flung her bra off, revealing what Phoenix had always wanted to see: Her perky nipples.
“Holy shit!” Phoenix uttered. Maya sheepishly grabbed him by the leg, and eased him down. The two slowly but surely started to go at it. It was a little painful at first, but after a bit of work, Maya and Phoenix felt nothing but, pure, unadulterated pleasure. It was the most amazing Maya’s ever felt in her life.
Near the end of the fifteen minutes of heaven Maya had felt, Phoenix started to change a bit. “M-Maya… I’ve got new evidence to present!” Maya was excited, good thing she was on the pill! They sell that shit easy in Khura’in. Phoenix moaned, and moaned, and moaned some more, until he stopped, and yelled “TAKE... THAT…!” Maya could feel the flood inside of her, bursting through her dams, just like that old Noah’s Ark funny tale. Maya came after instantly, shuddering. She pulled his body closer and kissed him passionately.
“Damn,'' she huffed, out of breath. She rested her head on his huge chest.
“I love you, Maya.” Phoenix whispered tiredly. Maya looked up at him, and kissed him again. She giggled but her face softened.
“I love you too, Nick.” Phoenix had to suppress tears. Maya was still reveling in the fact that she had just lost her virginity. And Phoenix, glad that his relationship with Maya was already off to a better start than his last one with Iris.
Suddenly, the door burst open, as Pearl stood at the entrance with extra blankets. They all froze. Pearl's eyes lit up.
"Please tell me you came in her!" she sqee'd.
Chapter 10: The Results
Summary:
Gumshoe returns with wonderful news. But when a mysterious phone call arrives to Edgeworth's ears, what could be in store for our heroes?
Edgeworth's side.
Chapter Text
March 26th, 9:00 A.M.
Edgeworth Estate
Breakfast-Nook
The next day in his breakfast-nook, Edgeworth was cooking up a storm. As he took a sippy-sip on his Asian herbal tea, he heard the front door unlock. Gumshoe waltzed in with impeccable force. A huge toothy grin was plastered across his five O'clock shadow. “I take it you had fun?” Edgeworth said with a slight chuckle. Gumshoe giggled for a moment, trying to contain his excitement. He held in for three and a half seconds and finally blurted out,
"I tell ya, Edgeworth! I really tossed Maggey's turnabout last night!" Gumshoe yelled. He was absolutely elated, as was Edgeworth in hearing the good news.
"Ahh, Gumshoe, you rapscallion! You rascal! You madman! You stud! You detective! You wacko! You dog! You stallion! You fiend! You beefcake! You player! You ladykiller! You wolf!" He continued for five more minutes, while patting Gumshoe on the back with all his red-sleeved might. Gumshoe began to bruise from Edgeworth’s onslaught, but it was okay because it made him feel loved. “Tell me all the details! Every single last juicy drop of detail!” Miles purred. He pulled up a seat for Gumshoe and went to go grab some eggs.
“Well, let’s start from the beginning. In the beginning there was light… no wait… wrong story. Anyways, I gave that cunt a good tongue-lashin’!” Edgeworth nodded in anticipation, eager to hear more. “Then I turned her over like a pancake and absolutely plowed her pussy! She must have been a beaver or somethin’ cause I was like ‘Dayum!’” He smiled warmly, while serving the eggs.
“Good show, old chap. Good show indeed, if only I was there to witness it. You’ve made me very proud.” Gumshoe blushed mediumly, grateful at his best friends recognition. “But, are you sure that was your first time? You seem more experienced than you give yourself credit for. Even more than me, and that’s saying something.” Gumshoe chuckled and looked him straight in the eye.
“Speaking of experience, pal. I wanna know more about your romantic adventures, Mr. Edgeworth. What kind of women are YOU into? What really gets you pitchin’ tents, pal?” he asked with a childlike sense of wonder to him. Miles did his classic head shake and shoulder shrug. Edgeworth had a look in his eye like no other. He looked Gumshoe straight in the eye, and smiled, raising four fingers up.
"Four words. Big. Black. Booty. Bitches. You ever hear of the song: 'Pull over, that ass TOO fat?' That’s me, Dick. That’s me indeed.” Just then, Miles received a phone call, it was from… the prosecutor’s office!? “Oh, fuck. And on my day off too,” Miles muttered. He answered the call quickly, "Miles Edgeworth speaking, state your name and occupation.” A raspy voice crackled through the receiver…
“Payne. Winston Payne. You know what they say young Edgeworth: ‘You can’t have your milk and drink it too’. I have been pushed around day in and day out by you and your bumbling lackeys. I’ll have you all know that I graduated from Harvard University in the top of my class. You have all made a grave mistake in making a monkey out of me. As such, I am resigning… But remember, you will rue the day, Miles Edgeworth! Rue!”
“Okay, put in your two-weeks, Winston.” Miles immediately hung up.
Payne was huddled in his office corner. Rocking back and forth, still gripping the phone in his oily, yet also dry and dusty hand. He squeezed so hard his knuckles turned white. Slowly, he rose and threw his house key at his dart-board. The board had been set up with many photos of all those who have wronged him. The key landed directly in a skinny-looking man’s forehead.
“Him… He will be the first to die…”
Chapter 11: Did Someone Say 'Coffee'?
Summary:
A familiar face returns to greet the Wright gang. Who will it be? Find out by reading!
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 27th, 9:00 A.M.
Kurain Village
Fey Manor
It was bright and beautiful day in Kurain. The birds were singing and so was Apollo. He always sang in the morning to fight off his jitters. He sat in the walkway, looking at the garden. Phoenix and Maya both emerged from their slumber-chamber. Apollo stopped singing A Cruel Angel’s Thesis , he noticed that Maya was wearing Phoenix’s trademark gray hoodie. He knew they must have had sexual intercourse, and greeted them with a smirk.
“Hey! What a wonderful morning, Isn’t it?” Maya nodded and linked her arm with Phoenix’s, “You bet your sweet ass!” she shrieked. Trucy came out wondering what all the hubbub was about, she was wearing a Bad Badger onesie.
“Wow! You look fucking stupid, Trucy!” Apollo chimed with a big smile on his face. Trucy attacked viciously, yet only with her eyes.
“Now, now, children. Be good siblings, and get along!” Phoenix scolded lovingly. Trucy and Apollo looked at each other, but thought nothing of it. Pearl pulled the door aside, and yelled, “Breakfast time, everyone!” They all raced to the door, violently pushing each other so only one could be the victor. That victor was Apollo. He smiled to himself, little accomplishments always made him happy; Much better than cleaning the toilets.
After some time they all got settled down, and began to eat Pearl’s famous omelets. They were all shaped like Magatamas, expect one that looked a little retarded. Trucy was stuck eating the deformed omelet.
“This omelet looks like it has down-syndrome...” she muttered to herself. It was still good, but she was jealous of Apollo’s superior omelet. This boosted her teenage angst. Pearl stood up and walked over to the brewing coffee.
“Does anyone want some coffee?” she asked. “Oh, boy! Would I!” they all yelled in slight variation, but mostly in unison. Suddenly, the door behind them slid open with the most impeccable of forces thus far.
“DID SOMEBODY SAY COFFEE?!” The familiar voice yelled. It was silent, as the dust was still settling from the force the door opened at.
“Gee whiz, that wind is blowing harder than all of God's great might!" Apollo yelled excitedly.
“No… That’s not the wind.” Phoenix said, amazed by the silhouette he saw through the dust.
“No way…!” Maya uttered.
“Holy fuck!” Pearl screamed.
“He’s finally here!” The dust settled. The man’s full, sexy form finally took shape.
"Ha…!" he grunted. It was… DIEGO ARMANDO?!
“Kept you waiting, huh?” he said arms open. Phoenix couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
“Holy shit, I thought you were in jail without chance of probation!” Phoenix shrieked.
“Ha…! I got off on good behavior. That old lady warden really liked me.”
Suddenly, Trucy interjected, “Whoa, Daddy! Who’s the hunk?” she asked with a childlike sense of wonder, yet an adultlike sense of lust. Phoenix whipped around to face her.
“Excuse me, young lady!? Curb your tongue!” He scolded, lovingly. Pearl ran up to Diego and glomped him. The force that Pearl glomped him at, on top of his iron stance caused them both to vibrate profusely, the infinite force colliding with the unmoving will caused a physical anomaly, bending space and time around them for a split second. It happened so fast no one noticed.
“So, what brings you here Mr. Armando?” Maya questioned. Pearl started speaking before he could answer, “Actually, I called him up here! As a reunion of sorts, for him finally getting out of the slammer.”
Diego chuckled, “I’ve been out for a while, but I took up work at a coffee shop to afford a Nintendo Switch and a Subaru Outback! My special blend really made business start to boom. And, get this? It was one of the real shitty ones too!” He started laughing like a crowd at Jerry Seinfeld’s comedy shows, the rest of the gang following suit. “Anyways, I’ve got Smash, anyone wanna join? Yoshi’s my favorite Smash Bros character!” Diego said.
“Super Scratch-Nose?! What’s that?!” Pearl questioned innocently. Trucy laughed in a little sister sort of way.
“Dont’cha know Pearl!? It’s one of the highest grossing Nintendo Switch games of all time, where all of our favorite Nintendo characters duke it out in a rough and tumble fight! $59.99 at your local retailers!” About halfway through everyone stopped listening to her. They were too busy whipping out those pro controllers, and began to play a round. Diego won, of course, but Apollo did surprisingly well, in fact, he killed everyone while Diego camped it out, stealing the victory from Apollo’s sweet sweet hands.
“I like Kirby!” Maya exclaimed.
“Ha…! Low tier trash!” Diego taunted. After this round, they turned off the switch, and got back to exactly where they were before.
“Anyways…” Pearl announced. “There’s one other thing I wanted to tell you all about. It’s actually why I called you here, Mr. Armando…” Everyone perked their ears to hear more. Pearl grabbed a forty-pound stone tablet from under the table, and plopped it down with a thud. Her weak noodle arms could barely handle it. Upon impact, a cloud of dust erupted on the table. “I found these sacred texts written by Ami Fey herself! It reads, ‘Every thousand years, the master of the Technique and one disciple will be granted ancient power from the Gods to resurrect a person of their choosing.” Pearl said solemnly.
“JFK!” Apollo screamed at the top of his lungs. Trucy’s ears began to ring, but then she screamed:
“ALAN RICKMAN!!! HE’S FUCKING HOT!!!” Phoenix looked back at his daugher. “Jesus, Trucy…” He said. After some time, Diego finally figured out where they were going with this.
“M...Mia…!” He said. Pearl nodded slowly. Everyone reeled back in their chairs.
“She made such an impact on so many people’s lives, that I feel she had to be the one me and Mystic Maya resurrect!” Pearl looked straight at Maya as she said this. Maya had never seen her look so determined. Tears began to well in everyone’s eyes.
“Sis…” Maya whispered.
“Chief…” Phoenix whispered.
“But JFK…” Apollo whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek. He then realized how much this Mia Fey meant to them, and realized: She was the JFK of their lives, and then accepted this.
“But, how do we go about this, Pearly?” Maya asked. Pearl stood up, and began:
“You must go through a deep mental trial high atop the mountains. We must sit there for two days, gathering all our spiritual energy, isolated from all. And then we’ll be able to perform the resurrection! And fortunately… We just so happen to have a big mountain temple over thataway!”
“Oh god, Hazakura Temple… That brings back some bad memories,” Phoenix complained.
“Same here…!” Diego uttered.
“And the Butz is still there… Ouch!” Maya griped. “That is part of the mental trial,” Pearl said. “We’ll all head off next week, what say you?” The whole group nodded in agreement, settling on the time.
“Sounds like a plan! But where on this great green Earth am I going to stay? I’ve been all cooped up in my Subaru Outback with my switch this whole time!” Phoenix put his hand on his chin. “Well… You can come stay at the office for a while! You too, Pearls!”
“YAY! I missed that place!” Pearl screamed. “Let’s load everything up, Gang!” Phoenix commanded in a leaderly way. As they all scrambled to get ready, Diego motioned for Phoenix to come with him.
“Come on, Wright. Let’s go walk to my Subaru Outback - I’ve got something to ask of you.” Phoenix gulped, but then the two set off. On their way to the car, which Apollo had already reached somehow, packing up everything in the process, Diego asked: “So, Wright. I finally got my badge back, I’ve been thinking of going into the business again. Rejoining old Grossberg. What say you come with me? Gimme a good word or two.” Phoenix shook his head, smiling.
“After all the shit you pulled? You’ll need all the help I can give!” The two hi-fived, with a slight hop. “Yeah!” They yelled. The old lady from before looked at the two, waving her cane at them. Nobody noticed. “Men are too headache…” She muttered under her breath, walking back inside. Again, nobody noticed.
Later, back at the car, everyone was fully loaded. “Um, we’ve got a problem Mr. Hunk… There are only five seats, and there are six of us here! Plus the trunks all full of shit!” Trucy complained. Diego put his pointer finger to his head, and contemplated.
“Oh I know! I barely weigh a pound, how about I sit on Nick’s lap?!” Maya said, with her classic hands together and head nod sprite. “I like the way you think, Mystic Maya!” Pearl exclaimed. Phoenix got a RAGING boner at the thought of Maya on his lap. They just had sex and she already wants to be on his dick again? Phoenix knew one thing for sure - This was gonna be a long car ride.
Chapter 12: The Drive
Summary:
This is the "Fun-and-Games" part of the story.
Edgeworth's side.
Chapter Text
March 27th, 11:27 A.M.
Edgeworth’s Alfa Romeo GTV
Edgeworth and Gumshoe decided to have a little day out on the town. First, to Barnes And Nobles, Miles’ favorite bookery. And then, some delicious sammies at the Delite Deli. They entered the red Alfa Romeo GTV, this one the scarlet color. Edgeworth usually prefers the maroon, but he felt like mixing it up a little. He revved the engine so loud it scared away the birds on the whole street.
“You hear that, Gummy? Now, that’s the sound of pure sexual energy,” Miles stated. For the first time in his life, Gumshoe understood. They then backed out and sped off into the City of Angels. Gumshoe put an untitled CD into the disc drive.
“Man, I could use some tunes!” Gumshoe exclaimed. After a moment the familiar Japanese percussion could be heard. It was… THE STEEL SAMURAI THEME!? Edgeworth giggled like a school-girl on Christ’s birthday.
“How did you know!?” Miles shouted at Gumshoe. “The Steel Samurai is my favorite!” Gumshoe looked over at him, beaming with excitement.
“Whoa, mine too! Maggey and I binged the whole first season yesterday.” They then sang along, with perfect harmonies. After a while, they came up to a red light. Miles eased on the brakes, coming to a slow halt. Just then, a voluptuous Black woman crossed the street. She had hips for days. Miles rolled down his window and stuck his head out, honking the horn.
“Yes, yes, YES! Daddy likes!” he shouted. The woman noticed and gave him a wink. Soon, the light turned green and they drove off. “You see that, Dick? That’s why I got the Jungle Fever,” Miles chuckled.
“Woah! I love that song,” Gumshoe chimed. He then whipped out his Samsung Galaxy J3 and played the song by Stevie Wonder, who most certainly is not pretending to be blind. Both sang along all the way until they got to Barnes And Noble.
Chapter 13: Return Of The Grossberg
Summary:
Diego and Phoenix go to the Grossberg Law Offices in an attempt to reclaim Diego's former glory. While this is going on, the mystery of the missing magatama is brewing in the background. Where is the magatama? Will Diego reclaim his job? What happened to Grossberg? Read.
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 26th, 3:00 P.M.
Wright Anything Agency
Diego dropped off Maya, Pearl, Trucy, and Apollo at the agency. Phoenix finally felt like he could breathe again, what with a fully-grown woman on his lap and all. He stepped out of the back seat, stretched his arms, and took a deep breath, and cleared his throat.
“You all play nice in there!” he chuckled. “And, oh, by the way, one of you go search for my Magatama. I think I left it in the wash - And, Maya sweetie, recharge it if you get the chance, yeah?”
“ALL RIGHT!” they screamed back, entering the office. Phoenix got into the front seat. “So, where we goin’, Diego?” he questioned.
“Ha…! The Grossberg Law Offices. I was thinking of joining again, seeing that I retook the bar exam… And passed! I did it over the internet, in one of those computer cafes. Like Panera Bread!” Phoenix nodded.
“So… We’re gonna go see old Marv, eh? Sounds like a good time. I’ll put in that good word, like you said.” Diego gave a thumbs up, and the two drove off in his Subaru Outback - Now with one extra cup holder!
“So, Wright… I hear that you and Maya are kissin’ in a tree, huh?” Phoenix blushed, halfway between lightly and mediumly. “Who the fuck told you!?”
“Oh I can tell. It’s my intuition. And Pearly tipped me off, anyways, confirming my suspicion. She told me everything, she’s honestly pretty shit at keeping secrets, but boy do I love her.”
“Me too, Diego. Me too.” The two continued driving down the road, and they passed by a familiar red Alfa Romeo GTV.
“Honk the horn, honk the horn!” Phoenix yelled, rolling down his window. As Diego gave it a good honk, the Miles beside them darted his head over to his left. Phoenix gave him the finger guns, and Edgeworth gave them back. “Haha, I love that guy!” Phoenix yelled, as they drove off. “And that Gumshoe is pretty great too!” Diego let out a laugh, and turned into a parking lot.
March 26th, 3:30 P.M.
Grossberg Law Offices?
At the building, a glimmering gold sign read “GROSSBERG!” in big letters, with hearts surrounding it. A neon picture of Grossberg laying on his side was below it.
“Well that’s new…” Diego muttered. The two exited the car and walked to the office. It smelled like perfume, liquor, and freshly printed money. “I’ve got a baaaaad feeling about this one…” The two said in unison. Muffled rap music could be heard, echoing throughout the building. As they reached the main room, they creaked open the door. There were women EVERYWHERE.
“Welcome to Marvy G’s Whoreatorium! The very best of the service industry!” A woman screamed. “Are you here for our weekly clothes-off pose-off!?” She asked.
“Uh… We’re just here for Mr. Grossberg. This is the right building, right?” Wright asked.
“You bet your ass it is!” The woman screamed yet again. “He’s right this way…” She lead them to his office, hips swaying like a grandfather clock’s pendulum.
Grossberg was sitting at his mahogany desk. Fat stacks were all around, as was that classic old bear statue Diego knew all too well. Grossberg was dressed in a deep purple suit, with a gold chain around his neck. At the bottom of the chain, the word "HOE$" glimmered. He had rings across his fingers, his glasses were studded with diamonds. His pockets were lined with (at least three) big greens, and his mustache was groomed to the highest degree of quality. He was donned with an expensive looking belt, the words "JUMPING JEHOSAPHATS" lining it in pure 24 karat gold. To top it all off, literally and figuratively, a small golden crown, the letter G being studded in various gems.
"Mr... Grossberg?" Diego inquired. He wasn't sure what he was seeing.
"What it do, Mr. Armando? I'm not just Mr. Grossberg anymore, no no! I'm..." There was silence, as he snapped his fingers. Two women started making a drum roll on the wall. "I'm Marvy G!" Phoenix and Diego were taken aback. Marvy G? What kind of name was Marvy G?
"I see you're... In a new business." Diego said.
"Hells yeah, my brother! Oh ho ho!" Grossberg said. "I'm making Jumping Jehosa-phat stacks being a pimp!" Grossberg made gangster motions. Phoenix and Diego looked at eachother, confused and confuddled.
"Even with your... Condition?" Diego questioned.
"Oh ho! The hemorrhoids are a thing of the past, you see! I got them fixed up. And even better - I've got me a bleached asshole now! Let me tell you, let me tell you! See that?" He pointed at a velvet-lined bed in the room behind them. "This here is where I get my dick sucked, ass eaten out, and balls tugged on, one by one!" Grossberg let out a hearty chuckle. Diego and Phoenix were taken aback by this information - Imagining that 600 pound, 78-year-old man in the nude, in heat? It was something they never wanted to think about.
“Uh… Yeah…” Diego said. “So this isn’t a law office anymore? Because… I was thinking about getting back into the practice, you see. I retook the bar exam and all.”
“Well, well, well, my little Mr. Mexican!” “Puerto Rican…” Diego muttered. “Let me tell ya, Let me tell ya!” Grossberg yelled. “See, I quit the law, it wasn’t lucrative anymore. After, well… Mia quit… You almost died… Hammond actually died… I was all alone. And, this little blue bagel over here was taking all of the business!” He said, pointing at Phoenix. “See, I felt like my time was done. So I retired, and became what you see today. And through the joys of prostitution, I became rich as a bird!” Phoenix and Diego seemed puzzled.
“But… Isn’t that illegal?” Phoenix questioned.
“Oh ho ho, don’t try and pull your lawyer tricks on me! You were the one who got disbarred, mister!” He bragged. Phoenix felt embarrassed and lowered his head.
“Yeah but I got it back…” he muttered. “Stupid Kristoph, stupid, stupid, STUPID!” He yell-whispered, stomping his foot.
“Calm down there, buddy.” Diego said, patting his back.
“You know Diego… You’re always welcome to come back and work for me you know! The male side of the market is something I’m yet to pursue. And you’re one hot piece of caramel ass!”
“I’m 44…” Diego said. “Oh God, too old! Too old! Even if you did age like wine.” Grossberg chuckled. “Well… If you two wanna stop wasting my time now… I’ve got me a foot rub to attend to! Destiny! Chance! Dawn! Prepare the rub, and you - Helga! Take these two out of here,” he said, pointing at Helga, the big burly German security lady. She grabbed the two by the collar, dragged them out, and threw them down the stairs. They tumbled, but nobody got hurt. After getting up, they left the office.
“Damn, what an asshole.” Diego grunted.
“You said it… He used to be super nice.” Phoenix said. “But you know what they say. If something smells… Wait, shit, wrong person.” Phoenix pondered for a moment, thinking about a phrase, but Diego interjected:
“Ah, he smelled like shit so it works.” The two roared in laughter, entering the Subaru Outback once more. As they began to drive, Diego asked: “Well, Wright… What now?” He was down in the dumps. “I’ve got nowhere else to go… No lawyering to be done.” (That’s what we call a callback!) Phoenix looked at him, and patted him on the back.
“Well… How about this? Work at my office. As a lawyer. I won’t have you clean the shitty toilets, that’s Apollo’s job. It’s pretty fun over there, and… We’ve got coffee!” he said. “And besides, when Mia comes back, you’ll have her company too!” Diego looked at Phoenix and chuckled.
“Ha…! Well, Wright… I never considered that before. And once Mia’s awesome rockin’ tits are back in town, the office I work at won’t even matter! I’ll be with my kitten, and then some.” He said, smiling. Phoenix and Diego shook hands, despite the fact that they were in the busy roads of Los Angeles. A man almost crashed into them. He screamed a hearty “FUCK YOU!” at them, but they didn’t even notice. The moment was too pleasant. Phoenix smiled, knowing he had yet another employee at his agency. They drove into the distance for a nice joy ride on the town.
March 26th, 5:30 P.M.
Wright Anything Agency
Later on, they finally returned to the office. Phoenix opened the door, and waved his arm out. “Welcome to the Wright Anything Agency, Mr. Armando!” Diego walked into the office, and looked around. Apollo was sitting on the couch, watching Gooby, cheering at all the times Gooby appeared on screen. Maya and Pearl were searching for the Magatama, and Trucy was sitting on the couch, listening to her tunes, being an edgy teen, despite being 20. But the second she saw Mr. Armando, she got a raging girl-boner. Except she didn’t get one, because she’s a girl you sicko.
“Fuck yeah, the hunk is here!” She screamed. Wright brushed this comment off, and announced:
“Everyone! Mr. Armando is working with us now since Grossberg was a stupid dumb bitch. Give him all a big Wright Anything Agency Welcome!” They all clapped for him, and Diego bowed. He then walked up to the counter.
"Ha...! Not bad, Wright. I see you got the state-of-the-art brewery over here. The Coffee-Pulverizer 5000 , as they call it. I've wanted one of those bad boys for years!" Diego looked at it with excitement.
"Well of course!" Wright announced. "Gotta have some of the old brew every day, keeps me going strong."
Diego then noticed the bag of coffee on the counter. "Imported from Peru, huh...? Interesting. Not bad of a choice. But..." Diego picked up the bag and chucked it out the window, hitting a passing by Wocky Kitaki on the head. "Ah, FUCK, man!!! Not cool!" He whined, but then continued to walk down the sidewalk, thinking nothing of it.
"Gee whiz, Mr. Armando! You really clonked him!" Apollo said. The office laughed. Diego then slapped a bag of his own Special Godot Blend #102, his personal favorite. "This is the stuff we'll be drinking now...! Consider it a gift from yours truly." Wright smiled at him.
Diego walked into the personal office of Phoenix Wright to look around, and then noticed it. "MY SON!!!" He screamed, running to the corner.
"You mean Charley, Mr. Armando!?" Maya gasped. "YES!!!" He screamed, hugging Charley. "It's been years, my son...! Years!!! Finally, I can give you my special blend once more! You'll continue growing big and strong, my boy! Big and strong!" He said, crying. Wright looked puzzled.
"What do you mean by your ‘Son’, Diego?"
"Ha... See... When I was still at the Grossberg place, M-Mia and I... We bought him together. We always considered him our ‘son’... Ha... We treated him with love and care, and I'd even give him the leftover coffee... It always helped him grow up to become a big manly plant, just like his big manly father...!"
Trucy interjected: “Oh, you’re manly alright!” She said, overjoyed she finally had some eye-candy in the office. Maya and Pearl darted into the room, looking dejected.
“Bad news, Nick…” Maya sighed. “No Magatama in sight…” Pearl looked like she was about to tear ass.
“Mr. Nick…” She said, rolling up her sleeve in preparation to punch him. “You weren’t supposed to lose that! Mystic Maya gave it to you, it’s precious!” Pearl ran up to Phoenix and punched him. He barely felt it. “We even tried channeling Mia, but she couldn’t find it! And we even tried channeling Mystic Misty because mothers ALWAYS know things, and SHE couldn’t find it!”
Phoenix sighed. “I just have no idea…”
Apollo then got up, after Gooby ended. “Athena!” He screamed. “That bitch stole it, as if nobody would ever know!” Phoenix, Maya, Pearl, Trucy, and even Diego gasped, just to fit in. He had no idea who Athena was.
“Of course…!” Phoenix grunted. “That’s what she was acting all suspicious for! The day we fired her… I knew she took some coins from the coin jar, but my Magatama too!? What does she even need that for. She isn’t special! And she has that dumb robot too!”
“Yeah!” they all cheered.
“Now, I need to get it back, but… I don’t have time. We gotta get Maya and Diego officialized in the office. And knowing the whole fish stank thing and all… Who’s gonna do it?” Wright announced. There was silence. Maya and Pearl went into the fridge room. Trucy hid behind the couch. Diego just turned around, leaving only one… Apollo Justice: Mascot at Law. He was standing there, spacing out, dissociating. Only then he realized what his boss had declared.
“I’ll do it, by JFK! And I’ll do it well!” he yelled, pointing at the TV. “And I promise Gooby, I’ll do it!”
Phoenix laughed. “Thank you, Mascot! And thank you, Gooby.” He said, just playing along with Apollo’s game. But to Apollo, it was all too real.
“But… But… Who’s gonna drive me? I don’t have my license…”
Trucy yelled “NOT ME!” from behind the couch. There was a lot of thinking on everyone’s part; did Apollo even have friends? Who was going to take him on this journey? Phoenix and Apollo both realized there was only one man who could take him on this trek, this horrible, horrible trek. His name? “Klavier Gavin.” The two said, in unison.
Chapter 14: Apollo's Day Out
Summary:
Because of the plot, the bi-chapterly Edgeworth section will be replaced by a brand new adventure, starring Apollo Justice, Klavier Gavin, and all the friends they make along the way! But rest assured, dear readers: Edgeworth will be back - Him and Gumshoe are just busy at the old bookery right now.
Apollo's side.
Chapter Text
March 26th, 6:00 P.M.
Wright Anything Agency.
It was a few hours later. Apollo was standing outside of the Wright Anything Agency, waiting for his ride. Klavier made it a rule to always be fashionably late. But this time? It was going out of style. Soon, the sound of a motorcycle vroomed down the street. And as he saw it, the purple motorcycle and its sidecar, a song Apollo knew all too well started to blast. It was Guilty Love, the ever-famous hit by the Gavinners. Apollo, despite his reservations about Klavier that he would soon get over, loved this song. He loved it more than he loved a lot of things. It was on the same tier as Gooby.
“Haha! Herr Forehead, it’s been ages!” Klavier yelled through the music. He took off his helmet and whipped his perfect hair around, sexily. Apollo and Klavier joined in a bro hug, of course, prefacing it with “No homo.”
“Gee whiz, Prosecutor Gavin! Thanks for agreeing to come! I had no other friends besides you.”
“Haha! That’s real sad, Herr Forehead.” Klavier said, sympathetically laughing. “Now, shall we get going, my brother?” he questioned while firmly plopping a helmet onto Apollo’s noggin. His distinct hair spikes still managed to stay up, even through the visor.
“You bet!” Apollo yelled. He sat in the side car, it even had a custom horn on it. Apollo honked it with a childlike sense of wonder-it of course, played a small toot in the tune of Guilty Love. They then sped off into the dark abyss of the city. Athena lived on the shitty side of town. The kind of place riddled with crime, homeless people, and churches on every street corner. It was said that even the Kitaki’s avoided that area, for it was only big losses.
Klavier’s motorcycle came to a screeching halt. They saw a man on a bench, reading manga. It wasn’t Apollo’s favorite, sadly. It was Naruto, one that Apollo often considered to be a manga only soy boy beta cucks would read. Trucy could attest to this. “Aw man, who’s the weeb?!” Klavier asked, snarkily.
Apollo gazed at him, and realized: “Wait, I know him!!! It’s… Simon Blackquill?!” Blackquill noticed, and gazed at the two.
“Eh? Who in blazes?!” he yelled.
“WEEB!” Apollo screamed excitedly, tugging on Klavier’s shirt as a sign to keep driving. They took off. “Man, I love that guy!” Apollo said. The two had a hearty chuckle and drove off.
March 26th, 6:20 P.M
The Ghetto
They were nearing the ghetto. “Ooh… Herr Forehead, I’d watch my back if I were you around here. You’re a little, well… Soft. And I wouldn’t want my good buddy getting shot or something!” Suddenly, a stray bullet flew by, barely missing Apollo and Klavier. “Ah, fuck. See what I mean? I just hope we’re out of here soon.” he said, while continuing to drive. Soon, they reached an apartment building. Trash was littered all around it. A homeless man with a shopping cart, with another man inside of it walked by. Two hookers were at the corner, one of which was selling crack to the man in the shopping cart, it was quite the spectacle. But soon, Klavier and Apollo removed their helms, and walked up to the door. They buzzed the doorbell with “316” on it.
“I never imagined the fraulein would live in a place like this… What could have happened? I mean… She was so fucking cute!” Klavier sighed.
“Ah, well… Mr Wright fired her. And… She had a… problem. I guess you could say she’s a little… Fishy.” Klavier gave a concerned look. Soon, the window opened. Athena screeched at the two from above.
“Come on in!!! It’s open!!! The speaker’s broken.” Apollo and Klavier both gave a thumbs-up. They walked up the stairs, and as they reached the door, they gulped, fearing of what their fate would lead them to.
They heard five different locks unlock, and Athena slowly opened the creaky door. “That really needs some oil!!” Apollo said, but as he looked up, he dropped everything in his mind at what he saw. Athena looked HORRID. Her hair was down in a scraggly mess like it hasn’t been brushed in weeks. She no longer wore makeup and it was obvious she was breaking out horribly. She was wearing ill-fitting baggy clothes, with a picture of the cast of Friends on it. Apollo loved that show, and in it triggering his fight-or-flight response, he began to swing around, singing the song. Klavier put his hand on Apollo’s shoulder.
“Not now…” he said. But then...It hit them. The stench. It smelled like if one shoved his face in the fish section at your local grocer, maybe with a hint of death. The two had to hold back a gag.
“Come in, come in!!!” she beckoned, excitedly, pushing the two inside. Klavier looked like he was going to cry. Inside, they saw a horrible mess. Wine bottles sprawled across the floor. Instant noodle cups, goldfish cracker bags, and double-stuf Oreo packages were piled up in the corner. All that there was in the house was a single raggedy looking couch, and a TV, hooked up to Netflix. The Office was on pause. A scraggly looking cat, possibly a stray, walked around Apollo’s feet.
“Oh, geez a lou! You’re transitioning to a crazy cat lady already?! Wow!!!”
“No… I just thought he was really cute!” Athena said, picking up the cat, who began to struggle as she held it towards them. Klavier forced a smile, and gave the cat a scratch on the head-realizing that he wanted to save the poor creature. “His name is Ross!” She said. “I want to get one cat for each of the friends! And then one named Michael, and one named Dwight!” The two could clearly see what she was into. The two began to scope out the area, but no magatama in sight.
“Come on and sit down, watch the office with me!!! You did want to hang out, right?! You missed me, right?!” Apollo gave a thumbs up. Despite his generally happy-go-lucky nature, even he couldn’t keep this charade up much longer. Klavier saw how distraught Apollo was, so he decided to use his manly charm to distract Athena. He gave Apollo a hand signal, signaling for him to go on the hunt.
“Ah… Athena. I got a situation! I- I gotta go… use it! Gee willikers, I’ve been waiting to go in there all day!” Apollo said, laughing nervously. Athena blinked, signaling approval. As he got up, Klavier sat beside her on the couch, putting his arm around her.
“Ja… Fraulein… I’ve REALLY missed you! Let’s watch some Office, zusammen. Ja?” Athena, being multilingual, knew what he meant- She thought she was something else. She then hit play on her Roku stick.
Apollo crawled out of the bathroom. “This is just like Metal Gear!” he said out loud to himself. Athena didn’t notice, Klavier was just too sexy. No luck in the bathroom, so the only other place he could go into was the bedroom. He saw the cat sneak in there, and decided to follow. Inside the room, while less messy, was still quite the scene. And the same amount of fish. For some reason, she had the cat’s litter box in the closet, right below all her baggy shirts, and the one good suit she used to wear. Maybe that also contributed to her horrid scent. Apollo first looked under the bed.
“Hunks Monthly?! Trucy owns that edition!” he thought to himself. Aside from a cat toy, a rope, and a bag of cheesy puffs under there, no dice. Apollo got up, slightly stumbling. He noticed the handcuffs that were cuffed onto the bed, but thought nothing of it, despite the implications. He then opened a drawer on the night-stand. There were some typical girl things in that one, but no Magatama in sight. And then… He opened the one below. It was FLOODED with various sex toys. A bad dragon, a hitachi magic wand, even a Pussy-Pulverizer 4000, not as good as the 5000, but still effective nonetheless. Among that were various other dildos, including the ever-so popular Drilldo. “Gets the job done!” Apollo said to himself, remembering the day Trucy told him all about it at the office. But then, there it was. The glimmering, glowing green Magatama. He quickly pocketed it, noticing it was kinda sticky. “Strange… I don’t remember it feeling like THAT!” he exclaimed. He then heard a voice, and got quite nervous. Did she notice? He listened closely.
“I just want Jim and Pam to be together!! Why can’t it be me?! Why Klavier, why?! Why Ross, WHY!?” She was sobbing. Klavier didn’t have anything to say, he just patted her shoulder whilst snapping his finger, as he does. Apollo then snuck out and crawled back into the bathroom. After some waiting, he flushed the toilet, and turned on the faucet. No water came out, but some odd brownish-yellow substance dripped. He didn’t put his hands on that one. He then swung the door open proudly, and walked out.
“Boy howdy! I just took the biggest shit of my life!” Apollo exclaimed. Athena punched her hands together, yelling “Nice!” Klavier continued to snap. As he continued to walk proudly, he reached the door. “Well, Athena, we gotta head out! Important… business to attend to! Yeah!”
Klavier got up, going near the door as well. Ross followed the two, rubbing his head on Klavier’s leg.
“Aw...Okay. Well, it was good seeing you guys…” Klavier took off a piece of the crumbling drywall, and autographed it. “Here, for you, fraulein.” He threw the piece at the couch, causing her to lunge at it, and catch it. “Oh my god… It’s amazing!!! Thank you so much, you beautiful man you!!!” Athena said, with her back turned. Suddenly, Klavier scooped up the cat and hid it in his jacket. The two left, with Klavier waving as he shut the door. As they walked away from the door, they were in silence. Suddenly, the two began to violently wretch and cough.
“ACHTUNG, ACHTUNG!!!” Klavier yelled. It wasn’t leaving their nostrils, despite how much fresh ghetto air they breathed in “IT’S Not GOING AWAY, MAKE IT STOP!!!” he yelled. The two began to stumble around, nearly fainting. Athena opened the door back up, and the two froze.
“You guys okay??” She asked, caringly.
“Uh… Yeah, gee, I almost got attacked by a bee or something!” Apollo said, not cleverly. Klavier was still bashing the wall with his hand, trying not to gag.
"Oh, okay.” She said, swinging the door to a close. They then ran back to the bike, throwing off their shirts. Thankfully they took the shitty ones of theirs, but it was still sad that the stench was embedded forever in it.
“Let’s go, Herr Forehead. To the mall, ja? We need some new clothes anyways, and I figured some food would be good too.”
“Yeah!” Apollo cheered, jumping up and down.
As they got into the bike, Klavier handed him the cat, strapped in, holding Ross tightly. “Achtung, baby! Let’s blow this popsicle stand!” he yelled, driving off. Athena looked at them through the window, nearly crying a single tear, yet also feeling a fire in her heart.
Later, after leaving the Ghetto, they drove to the Goodwill across the street from the mall. Klavier could afford the extravagant clothes from the mall, but poor Apollo couldn’t even buy a Rollie with his salary. Thus, Klavier treated them both to some fresh new shirts. They weren’t exactly fresh, being from Goodwill, but anything would do at this point. Apollo’s had the Red Badger on it. A rather obscure member of the Badger family, but still loved nonetheless. Klavier scored a Gavinner’s shirt that he found behind some scuzzy-looking ones. “Ha ha ha, this is my band!!!” he said proudly. Although, it wasn’t much of a band anymore, seeing that one of them got arrested, and after breaking up the piano player’s hands got run over by a truck. Later, the two went back to the mall for a quick bite at the old favorite-The Delite Deli.
March 26th, 7:30 P.M.
Delite Deli
“Welcome, you two!!!” said a beautiful brunette broad from across the counter. It was… Desiree Delite again?!! “What’ll you two be having today?” she asked.
“A muffin!!” Apollo screamed, jumping up and down.
“I’ll have a… Turkey sandwich on a Kaiser Roll, bitte”, Klavier said. She nodded, and went back to the kitchen, to give Ron the order. After some waiting, Klavier finally opened his mouth. “You know, Herr Forehead…” he said, whilst petting Ross. “I think I’m in love with that woman.”
“Who, the lady at the counter?!” Apollo said excitedly. Ron then stuck his head out of the kitchen and yelled: “She’s miiiiiine!” in a pathetic, and not very intimidating way.
“No, no… Not her.” he said. “Fraulein Cykes…” Apollo was shocked. He even let out a chortle. “But… She’s so… Fishy!!! And she’s all raggedy looking!”
“No, no… It’s what’s on the inside that counts, you see.” he said, sipping on some water. “Oh, you mean her gooch?!” Apollo asked.
“No! I mean, yes, but… I can fix her. See, I was going to just fix the cat, but then I realized… Athena was like a poor, sad, little cat. And I wanna wash her up, you see? I’ve seen her before-at the Academy, you remember. When that weird statue man killed someone, remember?”
“Oh yeah! That was weird.” Apollo said, thinking that was the point of the conversation. That statue man was funny. “Pay attention, Apollo!” Klavier said, getting more and more passionate about Athena. “Oh, why do I even tell you anything… I’ll just keep this to myself!” He said, chuckling. The entire time Apollo was looking in the other direction.
“Hey look! It’s the detective Gumshoe and his Pal Edgeworth!” Klavier looked back. “Ah, shit. I never finished my paperwork. He’s really gonna let me have it!” he said, trying to stay unnoticed. “Don’t say a word to the-”
“HI GUYS!!! It’s Apollo Justice!!! Mr. Wright’s mascot boy, remember?!” Klavier looked frustrated. He was swearing in German under his breath. He didn’t know much German, but he knew all the swears.
“Ahh, the Justice boy! And Prosecutor Gavin!” Edgeworth announced. “How are you two chaps doing?” Klavier turned his head away, scared of Edgeworth’s piercing gaze.
“Uh, we’re good. What are you two up to?” Klavier asked in a way when you don’t want to talk to someone, but still need to keep a polite appearance.
“Well, it seems that Payne has resigned… so I suppose that means we will need to put out an ad for a new servant around the office”, Miles said bluntly. Klavier was shocked and looked up at Miles.
“Woah, I didn’t think Payne had the stones to resign! I thought he would just work in quiet resentment until he turned to dust.”
“As did I, this is truly a great loss for the prosecutor's office,” Miles sighed. Gumshoe came barreling over with heaps of food in his arms. He plopped it on the table and exclaimed, “Eat up!” They all dug in and discussed the state of the prosecutor's office.
“Let me tell you, Prosecutor Gavin. That Payne? He sounded like he wanted to kill someone when he resigned!”
“Hah! As if that could ever happen!” Klavier said, mockingly. The two let out booming laughs while Gumshoe shoved food in his mouth like a monkey at a banana party. Apollo had no idea what was going on. He put other third wheels to shame. After some time Klavier dragged Apollo out by his ear. “Achtung, Baby! We gotta bounce!”
“Ahh, okay, Prosecutor Gavin. You lads have fun!” Edgeworth said, heartily. As Klavier continued to drag Apollo through the door, Edgeworth chimed one more thing: “And, Gavin… I know about the paperwork. You get that done, you hear?”
“Y-yes sir!!” Klavier said meekly. The two then left the mall, out to the lot where the bike had rested.
March 26th, 11:30 PM
Wright Anything Agency
Some time later, after a good few hours of fun on the town, Klavier and Apollo reached back to the Wright Anything Agency. As Apollo stepped out of the bike, making sure Ross was safely tucked into the side-car, nice and comfy, Klavier pointed his pointy pointer finger at him.
“Herr Forehead!” Apollo jerked his head around ninety degrees. “I just wanted to tell you. This journey we’ve gone on? It really changed me, as a man. You know? I’ve got something to live for now. Something to WORK towards again. That sweet, sweet, Cykes. I will fix her… I WILL love her-”
“Oh wow! It’s only 11:30?!” Apollo interrupted. “Sweet! The Night's still young!” Klavier chuckled, slightly frustrated that Apollo just never really seemed like he gave his 100% to anything but Gooby, but he still loved the guy anyways.
“Well Herr Forehead. Bleib frostig!” He then sped off at a blistering speed into the dark moonless night, breaking many speed limits. Klavier still thought he was in Germany on the Autobahn. “Silly goose!” Apollo thought to himself. After his long journey, he finally entered the Agency, magatama in hand. He did it. He won.
Chapter 15: When The Circus Comes To Town
Summary:
Phoenix Wright and Co. are just having your average day... But when the circus comes to town, things get real WACKY! Join the Wright Anything Agency in their journey to the Berry Big Circus, Trucy's big show, and the return of some of the most infamous people in Los Angeles, Japanifornia....
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 27th, 2:00 P.M.
Wright Anything Agency
“Ronald McDonald is just your average boy… But…!” The TV’s screen exploded in color. “When the circus comes to town…! Things get Craaaaazzy!!!” Trucy, Maya, and Pearl were all glued to the screen in awe. “The Berry Big Circus: Right Back At Ya! Now touring in an area near you. Witness funny clown! Witness girl and animals! And the amazing, gorgeous, HUNKY, Maaaaaaaaaax Galactica!!!” Phoenix was behind them watching the TV. “Hunky…? I wouldn’t call him that… But I’m also not gay, so-”
“Shut up, Nick! We’re watching the hunk!!!” Maya yelled. The TV then blasted even louder. “It’s on sale now-Tickets pay for the whole seat, BUT… You’ll only need the edge! Berry Big Circus! Go there now!”
“Oh… my… fucking… God!!!” the three yelled. “We HAVE to go back!!” Maya yelled.
“Oh… No no no no!” Phoenix said. “That was one of the worst days of my life… Only topped by when my girlfriend tried to kill me.”
“Not even losing your badge, Daddy?” Trucy inquired. Phoenix started to look down in shame. He tries to erase those thoughts. Suddenly, the office phone rang. Maya darted to pick it up, perfectly weaving her supple body past Diego by sliding under him, who was aimlessly drinking a cup of joe.
“Hellooooo-oooo!” Maya said excitedly. The office was silent, and then her eyes widened in shock. “Trucy, it’s for you!!” Trucy crept up to the phone.
“Trucy Wright speaking. Who’s this?” Suddenly, her eyes widened as well. Pearl was trembling in anticipation. “You want me to what?!” she yelled. Phoenix had a bad feeling about this. He went into protective Papa Bear mode and tackled the phone.
“Who’s this, and what do you want from my daughter?!” he yelled. “M-Max?! Ah, fuck... “ he said under his breath.
“Ahhh! Mr. Wright! It’s been AGES!! How are you doing, darling?!” Max Galactica yelled through the phone. Phoenix was silent. “Fabulous, FABULOUS! I’ve heard what a lovely performer your daughter is-It would be an honor to have someone with the Gramarye name in our show!” Phoenix put his hand on his chin and stroked it with his pointer finger.
“Um…” Phoenix began.
“See, remember Ben?” Phoenix’s PTSD flared up into terror.
“O-Oh god…”
“Well, see, we had to make the unfortunate decision of firing him. But it’s okay, he was a cuck anyways, even Regina couldn’t stand him!” Phoenix was silent yet again. Maya, Trucy, and Pearl were vibrating in excitement. Diego was still drinking his coffee, quite insignificant to the scene at hand. “I know your silence Mr. Lawyer… You ALWAYS play so hard to get. It’s quite a fabulous tactic! Well… We’ll pay. Heftily.” Phoenix took a deep breath.
“Fine. But only for the money.” The office cheered, slightly startling Diego, causing a drop of coffee to hit the floor. “Ah, fuck.” he grunted. He didn’t want Phoenix to notice, so he adjusted the chair to cover it.
“Come as soon as you can! Now, in fact. The show is tonight after all.” Max said.
“Good, it’s settled!” and then he hung up, without letting Phoenix respond. Phoenix put the phone down and sighed. “Well guys… Looks like it’s time for another road trip”.
Just then, Apollo swung the bathroom door open. “I got it, Mr. Wright! And boy did I go through hell! And back! We almost got shot!!” Phoenix laughed heartily.
“Glad you got it Apollo! But… Why did you come out of the bathroom with it? Didn’t you go out for it last night? And why’d you wait until 2 in the afternoon…?”
“Oh! Well, we got it last night, but I slept in the office and waited to give it back to you! I overslept though, but it was a crazy night on the town! I was pooped!”
“Ahh, okay. You didn’t have to sleep in the bathroom, but that’s fine, you still got it. And just in time too-We’re going to the circus!” Apollo jumped in excitement.
“Oh boy, circus time!!!” he reached into his pocket, and held the magatama out to Phoenix. “Here you go boss! It’s a bit… sticky though… I wonder why…” he said, confused. Phoenix caught a slight whiff and his face shrunk up, just as though he sank his teeth into a lemon-it was as if he was the polar opposite of a sponge.
“Oh, uh... Just… Put it in the scrubby bucket for now. And then get out to the car-we’re leaving now. Let’s go ladies! And you too, Diego.” They all lined up Scooby-Doo style, and walked out of the building in single file.
March 27th, 2:30 P.M
Outside Wright Anything Agency
Diego’s Subaru Outback
A few minutes passed, and they loaded up the Subaru. Apollo ran out. “I’m ready, Mr. Wright!”
Phoenix looked around, realizing there was no space for him-and he didn’t want Maya back on his lap again. I mean, he did, but later. “Ah… Just sit in the trunk, kid.” Diego said, revving the engine. Apollo then happily climbed in, and they set off on yet another journey. The trip was full of laughs. Apollo sang some songs,and tumbled around in the trunk. Maya had to take a piss for fifteen minutes, without any rest stop in sight. Diego played his Amazon playlist of smooth jazz and ethnic music. Apollo loved it. Pearl and Trucy looked at pictures of a bunch of hunks-but because Trucy was riding shotgun, they had to pass the phone back and forth. Phoenix saw all of it-he wasn’t pleased. But overall, the ride was lovely, all thanks to the power of the Subaru Outback.
March 17th, 3:00 P.M.
Berry Big Circus
They finally arrived to the circus. It looked just as shitty as Phoenix remembered. Pearl and Trucy, however, thought it was epic! Not as epic as Trucy In Gramarye-Land, but still epic nonetheless. The girls instantly got popcorn and other little treats.
“Shit! I gotta piss!” Maya exclaimed. She ran off towards the shitters. Diego and Phoenix mulled around and made light conversation. Maya came back eventually.
“Hey, Nick. I think I saw a weird man lurking around the ladies stalls. So, make sure you keep me safe!” Phoenix had a bad feeling-he thought he knew who it was. He put his arm around her, all protective like. Then he noticed an arm going around him, but it wasn’t Maya’s. It was… MOE CURLS!?
“Ha-haa-heyooo! How are you rascals doing?” Moe screamed while giving Phoenix a noogie. His yelling was busting Phoenix’s ear-balls. Maya backed away and linked arms with Diego, trying desperately to distance herself from Moe. Pearls and Trucy reconvened to see what all the hubbub was about.
“Ah! There’s our little star! Hey! I gotta joke for ya! Did you hear about a cat with twelve nipples?!” There was a piercing silence. Pearl blinked. “Sounds weird, dozen tit?!” He roared in laughter. Pearl was the only one who genuinely found it funny, everyone else forced it.
“Hey, hey I got another zinger for-” He was interrupted.
“AHHHHHH! If it isn’t the Wright gang!! Fabulous!” Max strolled up to Phoenix and Maya, giving them a complimentary kiss on the lips. He lingered a bit too long with Phoenix. It tasted like strawberries. He shook Trucy and Pearl’s hands, Pearl was mystified by him.
“Wow, you look like you haven’t aged a day Mr. Galactica!” Pearl said.
“Haha, well, the botox wouldn’t tell you.” Max chuckled, waving his hand in an eccentric motion. “Anyways my darlings, the show will begin in about three hours. Trucy, darling, you’ll need to come with me to practice. Your friends can join the fun later once the show starts!” Max proclaimed in a sing-song fashion. Trucy skipped off with Max into the big tent. There was silence.
“Well, what now?” Phoenix asked. No-one said anything. Suddenly, Moe turned to Diego, who was standing about, grunting over various things he found funny, like the kid walking by. He had a propeller hat.
“Cringe-ass nae-nae baby…!” he said under his breath.
“He-he-heeeyyy!” Moe yelled, pointing at Diego. “Hey mister! Let’s Taco bout something! How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ...Just Juan!” He laughed. “How about… Whaddya call two Mexicans playing basketball?! Juan on Juan! Or, or! How about the two Mexicans on the firetruck? Jose and Jos-B! And what about the Mexican with the rubber toe?! Roberto!!!” He was screaming in laughter, beginning to choke.
Diego finally interjected: “Let me tell you something, Joe the Clown. You know what they say… A watched pot never boils…” Moe looked confused. He didn’t understand what the man meant, but somehow he felt defeated. His weird hat carrot on a string drooped down.
“Ah… Well, I gotta practice, I gotta get goin!” Moe walked away.
“God! Doesn’t anyone know a Puerto Rican when they see one? For fuck’s sake…!” Diego complained. Phoenix looked like he wanted to off himself. Pearl had already left sometime during that exchange. Maya was there still, but on her phone. Just then, Regina Fucking Berry hurdled herself over to them.
“Hey everyone! Long time no see!” She cheered, much to the dismay of others. They instantly walked away.
“Poor Max… stuck with that cunt.” Maya said. “Pussy must be good. Her personality is so annoying, she better sound like she be fryin' chicken for any man to stay with her..."
Berry Big Circus
Inside the Tent
Another three hours passed. It was painful, long, and arduous. But finally the show was about to begin. They all got in their seats, and munched on some popcorn. Moe said some lacklustre jokes-a lot about Mexicans, to Diego’s dismay. Moe was really inspired by him. Regina was fucking annoying, but the animals were cute. Even Money the Monkey made an appearance! He was getting on in the years. Max did some tricks that had Maya and Pearl mentally nutting in their seats. Soon it would be time.
Phoenix texted Trucy: “Break a leg, daughter. I love you :) :) :)”
It made Trucy happy, even though it was embarrassing. Max went to the center of the stage. The lights dimmed. The smoke machines smoked. The lasers lasered. The strobe lights lit. And then. He finally opened his mouth. He stood there for a moment. Phoenix was wondering what the hell was going on. "And now... The moment you've all been waiting for... TRUCY, AND THE LEGENDARY MR. HAT!!!" Yelled Max. Soon, a glorious song blasted the circus, pyrotechnics exploded, and out came Trucy, who unleashed Mr. Hat from her depths.
"How's it going everyone?!" Mr. Hat yelled. How Trucy was able to make such a deep voice got Phoenix wondering, but he didn't question it. He was so proud of his daughter that a tear rolled down his eye. Mr. Hat and Trucy entertained for an hour. There were laughs, there were thrills, and there was even magic. Moe had to be the guinea pig, he wasn’t as good as Apollo, but he was serviceable. The fun seemed like it would never end, until…
"Hey! Puppet girl!!!" Out came the infamous, dreaded, and the universally hated... Benjamin Woodman, and his pal Trilo?!
The duo walked up on stage. "Who does this girl think she is, huh Ben?" Trilo shouted. People could see Ben's mouth clearly moving-it was really pathetic. People started to boo.
"Get off the stage, creep!"
"You smell like shit, Woodman!!!!"
"Boo you SUCK!!!"
"FUCK YOU!!!"
Ben looked around at the hatred he had caused, but it didn't matter. He needed to prove that he was better than Trucy. "Fine!!!" Trilo shouted. "We'll have a fight... To the death!!!" Trucy and Mr. Hat laughed. "Fine! So be it!" People began to cheer for Trucy and Mr. Hat. Phoenix stood up, grabbing Maya's hand and pulling her up with him.
"You kick his ass, Trucy! You go, Mr. Hat!" Even Diego was cheering for Trucy and Mr. Hat.
"You have the first attack," Trucy motioned. Ben didn't think this would have gotten this far, and didn't even think the fight would happen.
"Damn, Trilo. What are we going to do?" Trilo looked up at Ben, and nodded at him. He trusted his master.
"You do what your heart tells you!!!" Trilo "said." Ben looked Trucy clean in the eye, and yelled, charging up to her. He threw Trilo so hard, completely missing, to the point where it crashed into the wall, shattering into a million pieces. The crowd laughed so hard it was funny. Ben looked down in shame, and walked away, completely silent, apart from a single sad, dejected grunt. After he left, there was dead silence. Soon, everyone in the circus got up and clapped, cheering her name. Trucy was overjoyed-she had never had a show this good. She felt like she was high on weed.
Some time passed. The show ended, and Phoenix and company were backstage. Pearl glomped Trucy in joy.
“You did it!! You did so well Trucy! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time!”
“Even I was impressed…!” Diego said, smiling. Maya put her hands together and nodded.
“You did great, Trucy!” Maya went up to her and gave her a little pinch on the cheek, and a hug. Trucy felt almost a motherly aura coming off of Maya.
“You know, Trucy.” Phoenix said. “Old Zak would be proud.” He gave her a big fatherly hug, and began to cry tears of joy. He was so proud of his daughter. Not only was she the biggest source of income for the office, she was the biggest source of joy for his heart.
“Aw, Daddy! You’re crying like a little bitch! I love you!!!” The two stayed embraced while everyone had a good laugh. Ben saw through the partitions, and sighed, and walked off, puppetless for the first time in years-His hand was exposed to the elements finally, white as snow. It was like a basement-dwelling neckbeard coming out of his cave when Pokemon Go came out. That pale.
“So, Trucy! How about some burgers?!” Phoenix yelled. Maya let out a guttural scream. “FUCK YEAH!”
“Just as long as they have coffee…!” Diego shrugged, smugly. Trucy gave Diego a hug, since he didn’t initiate one earlier. That’s what she really wanted-To feel her body against his big manly thorax. “All right,” Phoenix said through gritted teeth pulling her away.
“I left a note on the desk to mail our money over. Let’s blow this popsicle stand.” They all air-high fived and then left the circus.
As they got back to the car, Trucy asked: “Y’know… I just can’t help but feel like we’re forgetting something… Ah, must just be my brain.” she shrugged. As Phoenix got into his seat, he noticed Apollo taking a nappy in the trunk behind him.
“No, Trucy. We definitely forgot something…”
Chapter 16: Signs of Payne
Summary:
Edgeworth returns to the High Prosecutor's Office after sending Gumshoe off on another date with his fair maiden, Maggey. In the office, he finds a disturbing item with even more disturbing implications...
Edgeworth's side.
Chapter Text
March 26th, 8:00 P.M.
Edgeworth’s Abode
It was later that night, back at the Edgeworth manor. Gumshoe was in the bathroom, preparing for his next date with Maggey. As he finished combing his hair and putting on his Versace-brand suit, he stepped out. Edgeworth was sipping on tea, waiting for him. He looked up and examined Gumshoe, who was nervous about how he did. “Oh my god, Dick. You...” Gumshoe started to look down.
“Aw, gee pal. I knew I didn’t do a good j-“
“You, Dick Gumshoe, are a grade A, prime, angus, perfectly cut piece of beef, my friend. Lean, yet also full of flavor! And that suit? Now that’s what I call a good seasoning! You really are putting the spice in it, Gummy.” Edgeworth got up, and checked out Gumshoe, who was beaming in pride, making sure his bulge was showing in order for maximum effectiveness. He then checked out the back, and gave it a good smack. Gumshoe looked back.
“Good?” He asked, as Edgeworth returned to the front of Gumshoe and put his thumb up.
“Oh, definitely. You’re, as they say... ‘caked up’.” Gumshoe beamed even more.
“Aw, gee pal-I feel great!!!” Edgeworth gave him a pat on the back.
“I tell you, Dick. This definitely isn’t a miracle. You’re one grade A hunk, the kind that most detectives would LOVE to be. People like that old Fulbright chap who died back in the day, people like him WISH they could be like you!” Suddenly, there was a ring on the doorbell.
“Oh fuck pal, it’s her!!!” Gumshoe yelled, darting to the door. He opened it up, and as soon as he did, Maggey fell face first onto the floor.
“Shit!!!” She yelled. Gumshoe helped her up, his massive arm eclipsing the twig she had for one. Edgeworth laughed.
“Well, you kids go play nice! I’m off to the office. Prosecutor Gavin and I have some work we need to finish up. Cleaning out Payne’s office and all. I know the janitor was supposed to do that, but fuck it, I want to see if there’s money in there!” Edgeworth announced.
“Really Pal? You need MORE money?” Gumshoe asked, laughing.
“Let me tell you something, Gummy. No man denies three big greens in the dead of night.” Gumshoe gave a thumbs up, while Maggey was tugging on his sleeve. She tugged so hard, she fell down the front porch.
“Ah, shit, pal! That’s my sign I gotta get goin’!” Gumshoe looked back and yelled; “Just one second, honey!” Maggey gave a thumbs up, stumbling to the car. Gumshoe went and whispered. “I just hope her coochie’s intact! Ha HA!” He laughed proudly. Edgeworth too, laughed, as he found it quite funny and relatable and cool. Possibly even epic!
March 26th, 8:30 P.M.
High Prosecutor’s Office
Later on, after Gumshoe and Maggey left, Edgeworth took his garnet-colored Alfa Romeo GTV to the office. Up the elevator he climbed, entering the office. “Ahh! Prosecutor Gavin!” he announced. “I see you’re doing paperwork. And on your day off no less!”
“Well, heh, if I didn’t, I’d be expecting thirty lashes about now! Achtung!” Klavier yelled. Edgeworth laughed richly, putting the back of his hand up to his mouth like an anime villain.
“Ah, well. You keep rockin’!” Edgeworth yelled. “I’ve got me an office to go through!” Edgeworth gave some classy finger guns. Klavier sighed. Sometimes his boss was a REAL piece of work. Like an embarrassing dad, yet in work form.
Edgeworth creaked open the door to Payne’s small cupboard-sized office. Plumes of dust clouded the way. He put on his protective goggles, still coughing and hacking from the dust and dirt. He trudged through. There wasn’t much in the office. A desk. A small shelf. A single dart on the floor. It was almost like the Great Depression had survived in that very room. “Good god…” he muttered. Edgeworth tip-toed through the room, as to not get his very expensive satin spats too dirty. He could only wash off so much. Finally, he arrived at Payne’s desk. He snapped on latex gloves, that he always carries in case of emergency; Much like his gun. He began rummaging through the drawers. In the top drawer there was an expired condom. Actually, a whole pack. “Hm… looks like he never got the chance to use them, pity. What an astounding brand, ribbed too.” Under the box there was a single cock ring. Edgeworth scoffed at the size of it. He closed that drawer. In the next one, there was a single photo of Payne as a young man, with wife and daughter in arm. “This seems important. I’ll hold on to it.” Edgeworth shoved it in his wallet haphazardly, in between his black Costco card and his American Express Gold card. He had a HIGH credit score because of that baby. Finally, he opened the last drawer. Inside was a pink diary. “Pretty Princess Diary? Ha! What a fruit!” Edgeworth chuckled. But then, he realized he was missing the heart-shaped key! Miles made a slightly aggravated noise. He tried to pry the lock open, and sure enough, it snapped in half. A broken heart, like a broken man. Edgeworth opened the book up and saw the first page. He began to read out-loud, “Dear Diary. Today, I went to school. It was fun. The teacher was fat. Daddy made me a sandwich for lunch. He forgot to cut the crust. Silly Daddy. Signed, Penny Payne”. Miles tore out the page and crumpled it up, “Well, that was fucking stupid.” He then looked back down and flipped through the next several pages. More junk. He started to become irritated and flipped halfway through the diary. He then stopped once he witnessed what seemed like the scrawlings of a mad-man. It read:
"I HATE MILES EDGEWORTH! I HATE MIA FEY! I HATE PHOENIX WRIGHT! MIKE MEEKINS KICKED ME IN THE BALLS! I HATE DR. HOTTI! I HATE BEN WOODMAN! I HATE SPARK BRUSHEL!” These phrases and more were repeated over and over. Edgeworth disregarded this, assuming Payne was just off his meds that day. He put it in his satchel nonetheless. He then continued to search the office, but there was nothing left worth interest. There was a single penny however, so Miles considered it a win in his book. He walked out of the old office, and into his. “Time to scold Klavier for no reason,” he thought to himself with a smile.
Klavier perked his head up when he saw his boss walk in the door. “Find anything, Herr Edgeworth?” Miles crossed his arms and pondered for a second,
“There was one thing that made me slightly apprehensive, but it doesn’t seem to be anything of true importance.” Miles tossed the diary to Klavier, who caught it with his mouth, just to look cool. Edgeworth was not impressed. He opened up the book and began reading. “Uh… this is just a kid’s diary!” He chuckled. Miles shook his head, and motioned for him to continue reading. Klavier finally saw the beginning of the end of the book. “Oh… yikes. Do you think that could mean anything?” Klavier asked in a concerned way.
“The man can barely even lift his own balls, let alone do something violent to another man. But, I will keep it in my archives, just in case. We shall see Mr. Gavin. We shall see…”
Chapter 17: The Calm Before The Storm
Summary:
The finale of Part I: Turnabout Returnabout.
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 26th, 8:30 P.M.
Big Billy’s Bigger Burger Bar
The ride back to the Wright abode was filled with laughter and merry times abound. They sang some songs and all periodically applauded for Trucy. And, the burgers at Big Billy’s Bigger Burger Bar? To die for. Trucy stayed near Diego the entire time, trying to get a peek at some of that Puerto Rican clavicle. Maya had four whole burgers, each with different kinds of toppings, but always with onions. “I wonder how she can take such big ol’ bites without choking…” Phoenix thought. He might be able to use this information, adding to Maya’s Bio in the Court Record, just in case. But anyways, they made it back safely.
March 26th, 10:00 P.M
Wright Household
Diego popped a few drinks for everyone, and also some pills. He was taking about ten prescriptions a day for his horrible condition. Everyone thought it was pretty funny. Pearl chuckled, “Mr. Armando, how can you swallow so many at once?” Maya sniggered in the corner of the room.
“Pssh, I can rock twenty, easy!” This furthered Phoenix’s interest in her abilities. He further updated her bio. Diego chuckled in response.
“Now who wants a swig?!” he yelled. Everyone, including Trucy, but excluding Pearl cheered. Phoenix looked at his daughter, initially disapprovingly, but as they say: “Fuck it!”
“Fuck it!” Phoenix yelled. “Have a drink! And you too, Pearl?” Pearl looked at him, and shrugged. She knew she wanted it deep-down, and whispered a silent “yes”. Everyone threw together their glasses and yelled “Cheers! To Trucy!” and all had their drinks. Pearl winced, but she enjoyed it. Trucy also loved hers, as it was her favorite-Imported Red Wine from Italy, an Edgeworth Favorite (™). He recommended it to Phoenix a while back, after the Hazakura Incident of 2019. They all continued to celebrate into the night.
Later on, as everything calmed down, Trucy and Apollo went to her room. Pearl was bundled up in a blanket, lying near Diego. They were watching Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. Diego loved The Rock, as did Pearl. Diego could hear Trucy talking about nail polish, using Apollo as a test subject. But there was one more couple of loons relaxing. Phoenix and Maya on his Queen-Sized bed. “Ahh, what a day!” Phoenix uttered. “What a week!” he yelled, throwing himself face-first onto the bed, in nothing but a comfy pair of boxers and a cotton T-Shirt. Maya was already laying down, browsing through her Reddit Front Page.
“Wow… The burger sub is poppin’ right now!” she said, giving him a rub on the back. Phoenix didn’t quite understand what this “Read-it” site was, but as long as it made her happy, he was happy. He rolled over and began to wrap his arm around her, pulling her close.
“Everything is great right now. I mean… We got a new employee, my daughter isn’t a failure, my assistant is now my girlfriend, and… Chief is coming back soon too!” he said, happily. Maya smiled, she was very happy that Phoenix was happy. Lots of happy was being exchanged in that room, like the New York Stock Exchange on the day before Black Tuesday, 1929.
“That’s great, Nick. It’s like we’re back in the swing of things again.”
“You said it, girlfriend!” Phoenix said.
“Oh, haha! I keep forgetting that I’m your girlfriend. I all seems like a dream sometimes…” Maya sighed looking away from him bashfully. Nick pulled her even closer, slightly squeezing her with the force of a thousand passionate suns of love, romance, and more love. “Aw, Nick… I’m getting kinda choked up!” she laughed. A lightbulb popped in his head.
“Hey, speaking of choking…” Nick said with a simmering smirk. Maya rolled around and looked Nick in the eye.
“Hhhhhmmmmmmm?” Maya questioned with a medium giggle.
“So you mentioned you can down 20 pills no prob… And you kept shoving those burgers down like there was no tomorrow… So… What’s the sitch on that?” Phoenix asked. Maya was kinda confused.
“You mean like...my secret?” she asked. Nick nodded his head excitedly, mouth agape, like a dog on Treat Day. “Oh! I don’t have a gag reflex.” she said, completely nonchalant. Phoenix flew back, blown away from this startling revelation. It made his hair go completely spiky again, removing all semblance of a bed-head.
“Wh-wh-whoa…” he said. “Are you tugging on my leg?” he asked inquisitively.
“Which one?” she winked. “But no really, it’s true!” she added. Phoenix blinked three times in dead silence. “I can show you…” she said with the anime squiggle line-like inflection.
"Oho!” Phoenix said, licking his chops. He gave Maya a thumbs up, as she slithered down to his sexy part. After a fiery round of suckin’, Phoenix flooded her mouth with his spunk. She was incredibly content, as was Phoenix. “Wow.” he said, his breathing still heavy from the immense pleasure that preceded. “I guess that’s why they call you the Snake Eater, Maya. Because what a thrill that was.”
“Nobody calls me that, but....” she said. “Now it’s mommy’s turn…!” she continued with a hungry look in her right eye, still thirsting for more action.
“Haha, you got it, darling.” Phoenix said, loaded up and rarin’ to go. Hilarity ensued.
-End of Part I-
And so ends the beginning of this saga. As things look as if they could not get any better for the Wright Anything Agency, there is a threat, still brewing deep under the layers. What do Edgeworth’s findings reveal? What is Payne’s true story? And what the fuck is wrong with Apollo? Find out in Part II: The Payneful Turnabout.
Chapter 18: -Interlude- The Payneful Turnabout
Chapter Text
PART 2: THE PAYNEFUL TURNABOUT
“This is it…! This is what you get for kicking me in the balls…! “
“B-but, I…”
“Enough from you! Don’t you think I’ve already gotten enough torment from you?! Just like all...All the REST of them…!”
“P-please, I’m just a-”
“You’re just a man out to ruin my life! Just like all of them! You kick me in the balls when I’m down, and never reach out to bring me back up. So now…”
“No… NO!!!”
“You pay… With your life!!!”
A pointed object plunges into the poor man with the sound of a mechanical whur echoing through the darkness. He breathes his last breath, and the man above him begins to laugh. He hears footsteps, and creeps into the shadows, peering out at the mall, lively as ever. He notices one special individual coming into the store.
“I know… I’ll make it seem like SHE did it… And that… That is how I’ll exact my revenge on HIM! Yes, of course… Kick him down where it hurts. Just like my balls…!”
The man pulls out a cell phone and dials a number.
“Brother… We have work to do…!”
Chapter 19: The Dawn
Summary:
The beginning of Part II: The Payneful Turnabout. A seemingly normal morning for Edgeworth, Gumshoe, and Maggey takes a turn for the worst as a fateful phone call changes everything.
Edgeworth's side.
Chapter Text
March 27th, 11:30 A.M
Edgeworth’s Abode
Miles woke up from a restless slumber. All he could think about was that book. What could it have meant? He initially assumed it was from Payne being off his meds, but Klavier’s comment made him reconsider other, more dire, implications. “Ahh, fuck it.” Edgeworth thought. “Time for some brekky!” he pointed, his silken robe still flowing from the morning breeze. He walked into the hallway, passing by his ancient Roman marble busts. Although, something was off. The more he walked down the hall, the more he could hear some strange sounds.
“Is that… A woman?” he thought to himself. He could tell from the inflection in her voice, that she wasn’t black, causing disappointment. He continued to walk anyways, as the sounds grew louder, intensifying. Soon, the sounds became more clear-pure, passionate, moans. It was right at Gumshoe’s door where he could clearly hear all the action. He gave a tap on the door, and yelled “Good job, Dick!! I’ve got breakfast for you when you two are done!”
“Gee, thanks pal!” he yelled out from the bedroom through the bloodcurdling moans and slaps.
“Ahh, I love the good detective.” Edgeworth thought to himself.
He then proceeded to make a special breakfast for this not-so-special day. Eggs Benedict, but this time? He added chives. Eventually, Maggey and Gumshoe came out. Maggey had nothing but a giant XXL shirt, covering her down to mid-thigh. Gumshoe was wearing one of the robes Edgeworth imported for him.
“Oh gee, pal! Eggs Benedict?! I fucking love chives!!!” Gumshoe yelled. Maggey was still out of breath from the absolute ravaging she received not two minutes ago, so she wasn’t quite ready to talk yet. The food was served, and the good times were had. Except… Edgeworth barely touched his food! And he loved Eggs Benedict!
“Uhh, what’s wrong, Mr. Edgeworth?” Maggey asked inquisitively.
“Oh, nothing… It’s just… Something I found in the office last night.” He said, solemnly stirring his morning coffee with his silver spoon.
“Well, if you’re not gonna finish, let me have it!” Gumshoe said heartily. Edgeworth sighed, and slid his plate over, where Dick proceeded to slurp up the remains of his food, not breathing between bites.
“Wow, babe! You really inhaled that!” Maggey yelled, patting his back. Gumshoe did the hand behind his head sprite, and laughed. Edgeworth would usually make a snarky comment during a time like this, but he was too distracted by that book. Some time later, his cell phone rang.
“Miles Edgeworth, speaking. Who’s this?” Suddenly, his jaw dropped.
“Edgeworth! It’s bad!!” a familiar voice echoed through the receiver. “You need to come to the detention center, quick!!” Edgeworth instantly hung up, tore his coat from the rack, swung it on, and yelled, “Gumshoe, now!” Gumshoe yelled as well, he sprung up, swung his coat on, and darted off to the Fire-Engine Red Alfa Romeo GTV (used only for urgent situations) with keys in hand. As he was running, Gumshoe unlocked the car doors. Miles dashed and slid over the hood, flinging himself into the driver’s seat, with grace and prestige. Gumshoe lumbered over the hood, but with crudeness and disregard. “Let’s ride!” Edgeworth yelled while revving the engine. The two drove off into the city, where what to come was beyond any expectation.
Chapter 20: The Unexpected
Summary:
Phoenix Wright gets the worst news of a lifetime. How will he and the gang respond, and where will they go from here?
Phoenix's side.
Chapter Text
March 27th, 11:30 A.M.
Wright Household
The Master Bedroom
About an hour prior to the fateful phone call, Phoenix and Maya were still in bed, cuddling under the covers, as the morning breeze flowed in, refreshing and revitalizing. Phoenix sat up, and stretched his arms and legs out. “Ahh! What a lovely morning! The smell of coffee brewing, the birds chirping, and-” He was abruptly cut off by Maya shoving her phone into his face. It was a funny “Try Not To Laugh Challenge” video. Maya was, quite frankly, failing this simple challenge. Phoenix squinted at the title, his eyes still adjusting to the morning light. “‘Laugh And You Will SHIT!’ Huh? What an interesting title…”
“Yeah, but I still haven’t shit yet, so…” Maya said, pondering.
“Well, you keep at your little shows, honey. I’m gonna get some brew.” Phoenix leapt off the bed, a perfect landing. He stretched again, but as he looked down, he saw a note under his door. As he picked it up, it read: “Hey Daddy! Apollo and I went out to the mall, to go get some magic supplies! We’ll be back in a few hours. Love you! -Trucy.” and under it, was a little drawing of a hat. Phoenix smiled, and showed Maya the note, gushing over how cute his daughter is.
Some time passes, and a loud sound could be heard, and the grumbling yells of Diego, and the gasps of Pearl, as well. “What the fuck?!” Diego yelled.
“Huh?” Phoenix said in an utter way. Maya looked concerned. Then the sounds grew into a bang, as if someone was trying to break open the bedroom door. A force destroyed the door to pieces, and in the carnage stood Apollo Justice. He was clearly out of breath, and very sweaty, and stinky. “Oh gee, M-Mr. Wright! Trucy has been arrested!” Phoenix was in disbelief.
“Wh...What?!” he yelled. Maya gasped and put down her phone, an epic cringe-compilation still playing. “It’s-it’s true, Mr. Wright! We-We-w-whu-weh-w-w-We-We w-whu-'' Phoenix got up and shook Apollo. “SPEAK!”
Apollo shook his head like a wet cat drying off. “Okay.. Okay… We were… We were at the mall… We got some dippin’ dots… And they tasted really good! I like the Oreo ones, and-” Phoenix shook him once more with gusto.
“Come on! This is important! Get to the point!” he yelled.
“W-well…” Apollo said, tears in his eyes. “We went to Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium, and then the cops came after some guy was found there… dead! And then… They arrested Trucy! I was in the shitter at the time, so I only saw it after they were dragging her out! She’s at the Detention Center right now!
Phoenix started walking slowly. “Everyone. We go. Now.” They had never seen Phoenix look more serious about anything ever. Maya quickly followed behind, along with Pearl and Diego. They all entered Diego’s Subaru Outback. Diego started the car and revved the engine. “Listen to that baby purr… Just like my kitten…!” he said under his breath.
“Ha. Good one, Mr. Armando.” Phoenix said. “But enough funnies. We ride!”
March 27th, 12:30 P.M.
Detention Center
Later on, at the Detention Center, Phoenix swung the door open. “You! Where is she, where is she?!” The anime bubble on the guard’s face that signifies sleeping popped. “Uhn?” he announced.
“Get. Me. My. Daughter. NOW.” Phoenix roared, pointing his finger at the door. Maya had never seen him in this state. Even in the darkest of his days, the Engarde case, the Bridge case, even the phone calls when he lost his badge. Nothing would stop this man in Papa Bear mode. (It kind of turned her on).
“Uhh, you got it buddy.” He opened the door. “Yo, Doug! Bring in the fresh meat!” he yelled. Doug, not seen by the others, shoved Trucy through the door and into the room. She had handcuffs around her wrists, and tears around her cheeks. “Fuck!” she cried. “This is a load of ass!”
Phoenix moved to press his face to the glass, but Pearl ran past him and shoved him out of the way, slamming her hands and her face to the glass. She began to wail. “Trucy! It can’t be…!” Apollo joined Pearl, emulating her exact actions. “Trucy! It can’t be…!”
Phoenix moved the two aside. “Trucy… We will get you out of here. I know you did nothing wrong. I raised you Wright and you would never do anything like this.”
“I know, Daddy,” she said. “I got arrested once before. It was kind of a load of ass. And just like then… I didn’t do it. But there’s one problem…” Phoenix gulped. Maya gulped as well, much like she did the night prior. She grabbed Phoenix’s arm in suspense. “They have… Decisive evidence!” she said, choking up.
“But… How?!” He asked. “If you didn’t do it…”
“I know, but… I was the only one in the store when it happened…” Phoenix sighed and looked back. “I’ll be right back. I need a minute.” he stepped out.
Trucy began to start crying. “Polly…! What do we do…?! I mean, I mean… That last case with that fag Retinz, he was easy! You got me out of that one like butter. I-”
“Ha…!” Diego chimed in. Trucy’s wailing stopped, as she and the guests looked up from their tear-laden eyes. “Listen, sweetheart. Did I say you could cry? Like I told someone very close to me; ‘A lawyer is only allowed to cry… once it’s all over.’ And you won’t cry. Not on my watch.” Trucy suddenly became a lot more calm.
“I… Wow… Thank you, Mr. Hunk- No… Mr. Armando. I appreciate it… I’m just… very scared right now, and I’m not a lawyer! I need all the help I can get.”
“Ha…! Don’t mention it, kiddo.” he said, while sipping on his to-go coffee cup. Phoenix then entered the room again. “All things considered, we don’t seem to stand a chance as we are. But, I have an idea. First, I gave Edgeworth a call. Him and Gumshoe will be able to aid us in this ordeal. And, second. Maya. Pearl.” The two looked back at him.
“Ehh?” they both responded.
“I know we said we’d do it in a few weeks, but we have no more time. We need to go to Hazakura. We need to resurrect Mia. I know that he’s still there, but… It can’t be helped. We need her expertise in these trials… And tribulations.” Maya and Pearl jumped up and down, clapping. Diego joined.
“MIA!!!” they all screamed.
“We’ll leave once Edgeworth gets here. For now…” Phoenix said, looking back at Trucy. “We wait.”
They waited. And waited. And waited some more. It was only about ten minutes, but it felt like an eternity. They all complained. “God dammit!” Maya yelled. “There’s no reception here! How can I watch my cringe comps now?! I still need to laugh so hard that I’ll shit!”
“I wish I had more coffee…” Diego muttered.
“Someone’s been in the bathroom for eight minutes now!” Pearl griped. “I really gotta piss!” Just then, the door swung open with an impetuous force. There stood Miles Edgeworth in all his glory; cravat flowing from the force of the door. Gumshoe was also there, but he was out of breath and didn’t make much of an entrance. “Wright! I came as fast as I could… Took one of my fastest and reddest of red Alfa Romeo GTV’s..” Phoenix walked up to Miles and gave him his secret handshake. They banged their fists together until it hurt too much to go on.
“Thank you, Edgeworth. We really need your help.”
Miles nodded at Phoenix and then strode over to Trucy. She thought he was pretty hot, but not as hot as Diego. “Mr. Edgeworth?” Trucy said, looking up. “Are you going to help me out?” she asked with tears in her eyes, holding them back after what Diego told her. “...Yes. I’ll do what I can. And Gumshoe? He’ll help too, I hope…” Gumshoe, still panting, saluted to Edgeworth. “Now, tell us… What happened?”
Trucy began: “Well… Apollo and I went to the mall this morning. It was about 11 A.M. We had some dippin’ dots, they were really good… I’m glad they still sell them there. But anyways, after that, at 11:30. we went to Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium because I had to go buy a new wand, I forgot my old one at the circus - When Apollo and I were going upstairs we ran into Mr. Magic himself. He was heading to his lunch break, but because I frequent the store so often, he let me go and check out the storeroom. He’d only be gone for a little bit, he said. So I went up there, and Apollo, I think went to go take a shit, but you never really know with him. In any case, it was about five or ten minutes later. I was in the store, spent about, oh, 5 minutes to get there, and I went to the back room… That’s where I saw it. Some… Guy. I think he was a security guard who hit on me five months ago. Dead on the ground, with a wand stuck in his neck. I screamed, and when I ran out to go get more reception, the guards were there already! Someone must’ve seen it before I got in there and rushed to security. They pinned me down and cuffed me… And then the cops came, and I was arrested.
“...Wow.” Edgeworth and Phoenix both said, almost simultaneously. “Seems pretty bad.” Edgeworth announced, shaking his head. “However, there is a way I can investigate this case with ease. Wright.” he said, turning to Phoenix. “As much as I hate to admit it… The best loophole we can use is if you make me your… subordinate,” he said, with a full body shudder. “As much as I have my Prosecutor’s Pride, I owe you one from DL-6. Just write it out on some paper that I am your temporary subordinate, and I am working in place of the Defense’s absence.” Phoenix nodded.
“Good, because we’ve got to go revive ol’ Mia. Having her on the team will be crucial to our success. I’ll be there on the day of the trial, but I have to help the Feys get prepared. Not just for the revival, but for him, too. Something smells up there right now.”
Edgeworth instantly knew what he meant, and flashed him a grim look. “Oh… Him, huh? I’m sorry, Wright. Good luck.”
“Okay then, sounds like a plan. When I get back, do relay the information to me. Because, Trucy...” he called, looking at her. “I’m defending you. I’m sure you know that, but let’s make it formal.” Trucy smiled.
“Wow, Daddy. First Polly defending me, now my own dad? This is awesome! Possibly even epic!” Phoenix flashed her a quick smile, and turned back. “Okay, everyone. We all ready to do this thing?” Everyone cheered. “Alright. Let’s go,” he began to walk out the door, the rest followed.
“I’ll be going as well.” Edgeworth announced. “Gumshoe, let’s go.” Finally catching his breath, Gumshoe followed behind.
As the two groups split up, Wright headed for the mountains, and Edgeworth headed to the mall, the case was only just opening. The mysteries only just unraveling. And the fun? Only just beginning.
Chapter 21: Dark Skyes
Summary:
The investigation begins. Edgeworth meets a new partner on his quest for justice.
Edgeworth's side.
Chapter Text
March 27th, 1:00 P.M.
Detention Center (Outside)
Outside the detention center, Edgeworth and Gumshoe slipped into the fire-engine red Alfa Romeo GTV. It smelled like cinnamon, much to Gumshoe’s content. “Well, Mr. Edgeworth? Where to?!” he yelled.
“Um, detective… No need to yell, I’m right here. But anyways. We must go to the mall-asium, again! To Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium!”
The drive was as fast as lightning. The car left trails of flame behind it; That’s how fast his very expensive sports car was.
March 27th, 1:15 P.M.
The Very Big Mall
Mr. Magic's Magical Magic Emporium
The dash to the store was, somehow, even faster; much akin to Apollo’s favorite video game character: Sonic The Hedgehog. “Assistant to a defense attorney here! Assistant!” Edgeworth yelled. “I have the right to investigate!” he yelled to the cops.
“Me too, pal!” Gumshoe chimed in. A rather eccentric-looking police officer put his hand right onto Gumshoe’s chest. “Oh no you don’t, buddy! You’re not assigned to THIS case! Detective Skye is! And you gotta talk to her if you want to even get a glimpse of the crime scene! But you, you Mr. Lawyer, YOU may go ahead.” Edgeworth bowed, one hand down in his classic bowing animation, while Gumshoe pouted in the back, feeling really emasculated. “Thank you, sir. Now where is Detective Skye?” he asked. All of a sudden, the two heard a shrill voice booming through the corridor.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT'S MILES FUCKING EDGEWORTH!" a familiar voice rang through the hall of the mall (Rhyme!) Edgeworth turned around and saw her. It was... Ema Skye?!
"Ahh, Ms. Skye. Are you investigating this crime here?" he said, bowing. Ema was too in awe to respond.
"Oh my god, oh my god my precious cinnamon roll daddy is here, oh my fucking god!!!" she started to excitedly munch on some chocolate Snackoos.
“Cinnamon roll...daddy…?” Edgeworth questioned.
“Oh, yeah, well, I kinda have the biggest crush on you EVER. I’m the CEO of the Edgeworth fan-club!” she exclaimed.
Gumshoe chimed in; “And I’m the treasurer, Pal! We gotta fund that merch!” Edgeworth was quite taken aback, and was still confuddled by the young hip-with-the-kids lingo that Ms. Skye was using. He cleared his throat, “Uh, anyways. May Detective Gumshoe and I join your investigation? We’re working for Wright, his daughter was falsely accused of murdering… who exactly got killed?”
“Sure! You can join! Anything to pay back Mr. Wright. And, to get some time alone with you Daddy… kekeke. We’ll be a team!” she said, giving a peace sign. She walked past them briskly, nodding her head in the direction of the crime scene. Gumshoe giddily followed along, while Miles was left behind; Still in shock from being labeled as ‘Daddy’.
“I am no one’s father,” he muttered.
As Miles walked past the various magical goods, he entered the storage room. As soon as he saw who it was, his mouth opened in shock. “Michael… Meekins?!” he exclaimed.
“Ayup, pal! Ol’ Mike Meekins is dead as a doornail. Is it bad to say I’m kinda happy he’s dead?”
Ema shot a look at Gumshoe. “Oh no, totally justified. We all fucking hated him. But we must find a way to prove Trucy didn’t do it.” Edgeworth went closer to the body, and knelt down. What he saw was shocking. There were twenty-seven and a half holes in Meekins' throat, blood once pouring out of them. "I assume the victim was stabbed in the neck by this here wand..." Edgeworth said, his hand on his chin while investigating the scene.
"Whoa whoa whoa, pal! Did you say assume?!"
"Yes, what of it?"
"Well, you remember what you taught me all those years ago, dont'cha?!"
Edgeworth tapped his forehead and smiled, remembering. "Ahh, yes," he announced. He left the body momentarily and got into position with Gumshoe, facing him. Edgeworth put his hands on Gumshoe's shoulders, as Gumshoe did the same.
"Don't assume, Mr. Gumshoe because that makes an ass out of you...!" he headbutted Gumshoe as he said this.
"...And me!" Gumshoe headbutted him back. (This was one of their rituals of friendship). Ema watched in awe.
"Okay, now that that's out of the way, back to investigation." Ema pulled out three pairs of rubber gloves, and everyone suited up. Edgeworth peered at the blood-covered wand. "Gumshoe, you know what to do with this evidence," Edgeworth exclaimed, then raising his finger. "We must examine it!"
"Alrighty, Pal!" Gumshoe yelled eagerly, holding the piece in his hands. He went in front of Edgeworth and held it in front of him. "Now, zoom in for me, please!"
Gumshoe slowly moved the piece closer and closer to Edgeworth, all while making a whirring sound as if to emulate zooming in. He trained for this role every day, as he wanted the most authentic experience possible. Ema was very impressed by Gumshoe’s dedication. “Good job, Gummy-Roll!” she cheered. Edgeworth took notes of the wand, and added it to his court record. “A premium Mega-Magician’s Wand of Power, for great magicians everywhere.”
Ema took the wand from Edgeworth’s hand and took a closer look. “Huh… No fingerprints at all… So our perp either used gloves or a sleeve. Shame that Trucy wears gloves, huh?” Edgeworth solemnly nodded, while continuing to jot down his notes. Gumshoe scratched his forehead. “Uhh… I don’t think Trucy coulda stabbed a man with that old nub of a wand!”
“You’re right, Dick. Perhaps we can use that in the ring of law.” Edgeworth said, looking down at Meekins’ mangled jugular. “He really does look miserable down there… Wait, what’s that? Skye, please grab whatever that thing is down there. The paper thing.”
Ema jumped up and down. “Oh, Daddy Edgeworth is ordering me around! I’ll be your little servant any day!” she winked while obediently picking up the blood-soiled bag. “That’s…!” Edgeworth gasped.
“It can’t be, Pal…!” Gumshoe gasped.
“I can’t even…!” Ema squealed, just to feel closer to Miles. “The Delite Deli?!” the three of them exclaimed, with Ema slightly lagging behind. Miles turned around and rushed out of Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium. The other two followed “We must go!” Edgeworth exclaimed. “We must go to the Deli!”
March 27th, 1:40 P.M.
Delite Deli
Enter, the Delite Deli. The gang knew this establishment all too well. Desiree was at the counter, slowly wiping part of it in circles. “Oh hi, y’all!” she waved. She knew those customers gave her a big-ass tip, so she flashed them a big bright smile - The other type of flashing was only reserved for her faithful husband, Ronald.
“‘Sup, Pal?!” Gumshoe bellowed.
“What’s for today, boys? Let me guess? Turkey sammies, one on wheat, one on pumpernickel?” She asked, with a playful inflection in her voice.
“No, the only thing I want today is an answer sandwich on information bread,” said Miles. Dessie was confused and tilted her head to the side? “Ohmmm?” she noised. Miles showed the bag to Desiree. “Does this look familiar?” he inquired. “A lone security guard known as Mike Meekins was found brutally stabbed in the neck in Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium… With this bag in hand. Was he here recently?” Dessie gasped and placed her hand on her bodacious bosom.
“Gasp!” she yelled. “Well… That sure is one of our bags. Wait, did he look like a bitch?” Edgeworth nodded. Ema nodded. Gumshoe nodded. “Ahh! I see. So it was that guy. He kept screaming at me about the chicken sandwiches… Everything seemed normal… I can’t believe he was the one who was killed! Maybe Ronnie knows something about it… HEY! RONNIE!” she yelled while going to the back. Suddenly, as if one morphed into another, in went Dessie, and out came Ron. He was very sheepish, and Ema thought he was kind of pathetic, yet somewhat attractive in a strange way.
“H-hey guys!” Ron announced. “S-so… You wanna ask me something?” he asked the gang.
“Ayup! What did you see, Pal?! What was it?!” Gumshoe yelled very passionately. Ron was frightened by his volume and size, and flinched. “I don’t, I don’t know what you’re talking about…” he said, getting quieter and quieter by the second.
“Don’t mind him, he’s just excited. First case in a long time.” Edgeworth reassured in his silky smooth voice like hot butter. Ron looked back at Gumshoe and cowered. Edgeworth looked at the man as well, and looked back at Ron. “Oh, don’t worry. That’s his… eager face.” Gumshoe was breathing very heavily with his mouth wide open in a toothy grin.
“What, Pal?! Someone’s gotta be the bad cop around here!” Miles shook his head.
“Anyways…” Edgeworth continued, flashing the bag to Ron, who instantly cowered at the sight of the blood.
“B-b-blood…?!” he whimpered. “What’s that doing here?! That’s not part of the Servsafe Regulations!”
“This, my friend, is a bag. A bag that one Mike Meekins had in his hand at the time of his untimely death.”
“Pssh...Untimely alright…” Ema snarked.
“What I would like to ask is… Did you see anything happen to Mr. Meekins?”
“Um, well… Um, I don’t know if this will be any help, but I’ll tell I guess… We only had one customer at the time, and he was just annoying and… he kept trying to yell at my wife about chicken sammies, so she went in the back and I took care of him. I gave him what he wanted, but when he left… I saw a man talk to him. I didn’t know what the man’s face was like, but he had a pathetic figure… And a slouch like you wouldn’t believe! It was like that Quercus Alba guy you put in the slammer!” Edgeworth pondered.
“What man…? And how does he know about Alba? But that’s beside the point.”
“Umm… That’s all I know, I’m sorry…”
“No, no, thank you. This is a great help. And I’ll be seeing YOU…” he said while pointing his finger at Ron, “in COURT!” Edgeworth yelled.
“B-but I didn’t do anything!” Ron shrieked, his hair curls flinging out like a broken slinky.
“No, no no. You and Desiree are important witnesses. You two will have to make it in tomorrow. Don’t worry, none of you are under suspicion. “Oh… That’s okay then,” Ron said. “Well, I’ll see you then.”
Desiree ran into the main room and put her hands on the counter. “I heard everything! We’ll make it there! And we’ll tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!” Edgeworth bowed in gratitude. “Well, thank you. Now, investigation awaits!” As they turned around, Desiree stopped them.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me make you some sammies real quick! Turkey, one on wheat and one on pumpernickel! And a cheese sandwich for the little lady!” Ema nodded and smiled, honored that Desiree knew of her favorite kind of sandwich.
“Oh boy pal! Sammies!” Gumshoe yelled, rubbing the back of his head with his hand. Edgeworth bowed once more, happy about the incoming sandwiches - They were his favorite, after all. As the three sat down and waited, they began to discuss the upcoming case and the investigation thus far. As they discussed, they overheard a man who sat in the shadows. “One of my men got taken down on the field… A damn shame, I tell you ‘hwut. Ayup.” The three looked back, not recognizing the man. He seemed too busy to notice, and before they got a glance, he got up and left the store, bag in hand, just like the wind on the Serengeti. “Must have just been some bozo.” Gumshoe said. They all laughed - Later obtaining their sammies, and leaving to continue the investigation for the rest of the day.
Chapter 22: The Peak
Summary:
Phoenix, Maya, and the gang journey to Hazakura Temple to begin the resurrection of Mia Fey. What will come of their journey and stay at the temple? And what of the man up there they dread to see?
Phoenix's Side.
Chapter Text
March 27th, 5:00 P.M.
Dusky Bridge
The climb up Eagle Mountain to Hazakura was long and hard. It was very cold, causing everyone’s teeth to chatter and nipples to perk. Dusky Bridge was in sight, causing Phoenix to shiver not just in cold, but in fear. Maya rubbed his shoulders, knowing the trauma he faced here. “It’s okay… It’s okay,” she said. As they continued on, they reached the gate. There was a new sign, quite large, reading; “HAZAKURA TEMPLE IS HERE.”
“Wow… Really ripping off the village, huh?” Pearl said, shaking her head disapprovingly. They noticed a new doorbell was installed. Apollo ran past the group, and excitedly pressed it. “Yay, doorbells!” he said. The doorbell made an interesting sound, too difficult to describe. But the door opened nonetheless.
March 27th, 5:07 P.M
Hazakura Temple
“Oh my heavens! It’s you guys again!”
It was… Sister Bikini?! She ran over and gave Maya’s waist a tight squeeze. “Ooooh, you really filled that bod of yours, huh? Did Mr. Blue Bagel put a bun in your oven, huh? Hoh hoh hoh hoh!” she laughed, the flaps of her cheeks jiggling with each laugh. Phoenix was displeased by this, and Maya blushed.
“No, no little Turnabout Terrors...Yet.” Phoenix looked at her.
“Y-yet?” he said in a nervous breath. “Anyways, enough chit-chat! Come in, come in!” Bikini said, who then herded them in like the goats of her childhood.
The temple was still cozy as ever. Everyone got situated as Bikini served them all piping-hot tea. A whole roast pig and a side of beans was sitting on the table. “I just made this earlier for me and my boy, help yourself!” she said, whilst serving.
“Thanks! I haven’t eaten all day!” Maya said excitedly.
“Well, you’ll be eating for two any day now!” Bikini winked. “Gotta make sure those breasts are nice and plump for when the tykes take over! Hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh!” Phoenix and Maya looked at eachother, Maya more nervous than before. “Pearl, don’t get any ideas…” Phoenix muttered. He could tell she was on top of it.
Just then, The Butz himself waltzed into the room. Everyone knew he would be here, but secretly hoped he had gotten into a bike accident or something of that nature. He looked very sad. "Ha-hey Nick and crew..." he said in a depressed voice while looking down. Phoenix gritted his teeth, "What's wrong, Larry?" He had regretted his social etiquette.
"Oh, well... Za-ha-ruh broke up with me. I'm kinda in my feels right now, man." Despite this, he was still dressed in Muslim garb. Maya silently slid a ten dollar bill into Phoenix's breast pocket.
“Why’d she do that?” Maya asked inquisitively. “So quickly, too!” she added.
“Well… You see what’s on the table?” he said. “Yeeeaahhh… I sent her a pic, told her ‘wish I was eatin’ this bad boy with you!’ and… I guess I forget about the whole ‘eatin’ none of that pig no more’ thing… And that’s kind of a pig, yeah?” he said, rubbing his hand behind his head, whilst sticking his tongue out.
“Oh… Well that’s such a shame, Larry.” Phoenix said in a condescending way. Diego slammed his coffee mug on the table. “And what a damn shame that is…!” Larry solemnly sat down at the table, and took a hunk of pork, chewing it slowly.
“Mmmm…! This is good!” Maya said. “That reminds me, we have to prepare for… Go ahead, Nick. Tell her!” she said, mouth full of pork and beans.
Phoenix turned to Sister Bikini. “See, we came here because of, well, Apollo can show you.” He snapped his fingers, and as if on command, Apollo dug the stone tablet out from the depths of his satchel, and slammed it on the table. The table was fine, though the plates rattled, beans. “This is the legendary Kurain Ancient Stone Tablet of the Resurrection Technique of the Master of the Kurain Spirit Channeling Technique, Ami Fey, the Founder of the legendary Kurain Spirit Channeling Technique and School of the legendary Kurain Spirit Channeling Technique.” Pearl explained. “And every one-thousand years… The cosmic forces align, and the master of the Technique is able to revive one person of their choice.”
Maya joined in, pork hanging from her maw; “And it’s going to be my sister, Mia Fey!”
Phoenix added; “We were going to do this in a few weeks, but because of an emergency, we need her back now. Do you think we could use the Inner Temple for the ritual?”
Apollo also chimed in; “I was kinda hoping it’d be JFK, and Trucy really wanted Alan Rickman, but…”
Bikini looked at the tablet, reading the ancient scripture describing the process. Her eyes widened. “Of course you two can use the Inner Temple! Three-day long ritual where you two have to be praying constantly? It’ll be very draining - We’ll need to fatten you two girls up then! Hoh ho ho ho ho!!” she said. “Eat up!”
Maya and Pearl understood exactly what she meant, and both did the classic hands together and nod pose. “You got it, Sister Bikini!”
Dinner was great, the pig was cooked to perfection. Phoenix, Apollo, and Diego all ate a sizable amount, but nothing compared to how much was consumed by Pearl and Maya. Larry was very impressed by the pounds Maya was putting down, and it made him start to think - Something he rarely does. Larry pondered for a few moments. He knew that he needed a new girlfriend as soon as possible; It was the only thing that gave him purpose in life. "Well..." he said smugly, getting up and wrapping an arm around Maya's waist. "You got a boyfriend, Baby? I've been waitin' on you for years,'' Larry proudly proclaimed. Phoenix was fuming and marched up to him.
"Larry," he spoke through gritted teeth, "She has a boyfriend. And It's me!"
"Wha-wha-wha-wha-WHAT!?" Larry exclaimed. He considered his options of how to approach this situation: One, apologize to Nick and Maya. Or two, deny the fact and flirt with Maya anyways. Or maybe... "Okay, how 'bout we comprise? Threesome, anyone?" He chimed stretching his arms out wide. Bikini laughed heartily, her cheeks moving up and down like a tsunami on the shores of Kyoto.
“That’s my boy! Always a charmer, he was!” Diego burst out laughing. “Ha…! That’s a riot!”
“I mean, sorry Larry, but if I was going to have a threesome with Nick and someone else, it’d totally be with Diego.” Maya explained. Everyone started laughing as Phoenix whipped around. “Wait, wh-”
“Anyways!” Maya interjected. “Now that I’m filled with pig, I think… I’m ready. You too, Pearly?” Pearl wiped the bean residue from her mouth. “Yeah… Let’s get our Mia back.”
March 27th, 8:00 P.M.
Dusky Bridge
Dusky Bridge. The bridge of destiny. Moonlight shining over the snow-covered landscape. Phoenix thought he’d never be back here, but here he was. Maya turned around to Phoenix. “I know you’re too scared to cross, so… I guess this is goodbye for now, huh?” Phoenix nodded, giving a half-hearted smile.
“Yeah… I guess so. Be safe, yeah? And you too, Pearls.” Pearl gave him a thumbs-up. Maya gave him a deep, passionate kiss. She could feel a bit of a rise in his particulars. After the kiss, she gave it a slight squeeze and winked, biting her lip and walked away. Bikini began to lead them across the bridge. Diego decided to follow the girls.
“I’m going to camp out there for a little bit. Protect them in case anything funny happens.” He brandished a katana that he got from the temple. He thought he looked pretty cool. “Thanks, Diego.” Phoenix said, trying to cover up his somewhat obvious bulge. Diego did a shockingly similar lip bite as he walked off with them. Apollo was watching them go across the bridge, marveling at the scenery. Phoenix then went to a conveniently placed rock, and sat on it. He looked down at his bulge and unzipped.
“Well… Just you and me buddy,” he said, beginning to fumble around with it.
“Yep! Just you and me!” Apollo said back, seemingly out of nowhere. Phoenix exclaimed a noise only defined as “!” and hurriedly shoved his cock back in his pants.
“It really is a beautiful night, huh?” Apollo said, hands on his hips.
“Yeah…” Phoenix said. “Still… If only the stakes weren’t so high, you know?”
“Yeah… I know.” Apollo said, sitting down next to Wright, pressed up against him. Phoenix felt uncomfortable, but Apollo’s radiating energy warmed him up a little. “So tomorrow we gotta go to the Court, huh?” he asked.
“Ayup. Edgeworth told me he got some info, enough to get us by anyways. I just hope it’ll be enough…” Phoenix said. Apollo turned to look at him.
“Do we know who the prosecutor is?”
“Hmm…” Phoenix looked down at his hands. “Not that any of us know of. I hope it’s someone tame like Gavin. He’s fun. Or maybe some newbie that’ll be easy to sink. Just as long as it isn’t something stupid. We should be able to reach out to the truth.”
Apollo nodded. “Well, when I had to defend Trucy, I had to deal with that funny Indian man! It was a real bitch on the mind!” Phoenix looked at him.
“How did it feel, when you were under those kinds of stakes?”
“Umm…!” Apollo pondered. “I didn’t really feel anything, actually! I just thought about dippin’ dots a lot, and the answers just kinda came to me!” Phoenix thought maybe he should be more like Apollo, not overthink things.
“Ha… Thanks, buddy. I’m glad to have you by my side tomorrow.” Apollo smiled. “Now let’s go get some rest, we gotta walk down this bitch tomorrow… Lots of work to d-''
"Ha-heeeyyyy!” The cries of the Butz could be heard from afar as he ran towards them. He seemed completely back to normal despite losing his girlfriend mere hours ago. “So, who’s up for some porn, huh?! I just bought a Brazzers subscription using Za-Ha-Ruh’s dad’s gold card! Ha-I got some “oiled-up lesbians'' right here!” Phoenix stood up and put his hand behind Apollo.
“Let’s go, quick,” he whispered. Apollo understood he was serious, and they hurried off to the temple. “Ha heyy, am I right?!” Larry continued. He then looked around. “Ha haa!! Ha… Anyone?
The trial would begin tomorrow. With the investigation going at a clip pace, and the resurrection beginning, the only thing to do next was to begin the battle. Who will be the prosecutor? What events will unfold? And what revelations will be made? Only time could tell.
Chapter 23: The Trials of Trucy Wright: Day One
Summary:
The Trial begins. Tension is in the air, as Phoenix and Apollo defend our dear Trucy. Who waits for them in the shadows? And what shocking revelations will be made? Find out... Now.
Chapter Text
March 28th, 11:00 a.m.
District Court (Outside)
The ride to the courthouse was a rather smooth one due to the power of the Subaru Outback, though it would have been a little bit easier on Phoenix’s nerves if Apollo didn’t sing Black Betty by Ram Jam the entire time. As the two got out of the car, Phoenix finally thought he was safe. “Boy, Mr. Wright! I just can’t get over how good the line “She’s from Birmingham, blam ba-lam, way down in Alabam’” is!” Phoenix shook his head, dead silent.
“Apollo, this is serious. Your half-sister could be put on the chair!” he scolded, not in a fatherly way, but in an authoritative way. Apollo, seemingly ignorant to the half-sister comment, seemed to finally understand. “Oh right! It’s lawyer mode time!” Whenever Apollo went to lawyer mode, his whole attitude and mental capacity (Voice included) changed. “I’m fine sir. Let’s go.” He said in a very serious tone.
“Hey, I know that crimson red Alfa Romeo GTV anywhere…” Phoenix said under his breath. Edgeworth emerged, walked up to Wright, and handed him the evidence that was found. “You know what to do. Now go get ‘em. I’ll be watching from the gallery,” he said, giving a hearty slap to Phoenix’s ass. Phoenix nodded, sternly. “Thanks, bro.” He and Apollo turned around and entered the court.
March 28th, 11:30 A.M.
District Court
Courtroom No. 7
Some time passed after a brief preparation - There was no time for small-talk. A wide-view establishing shot of the court can be seen. Phoenix, the near-undefeated lawyer, stands next to his boy-wonder: Apollo Justice. The gallery sits ten feet above them. Heads turn back and forth, simulating talking to each other. Voices rumble out a distinct “Humbumbumumbumbumuh”. The gavel slams down thrice onto the gavel-hitting circle, echoing through the gold-laden courtroom.
“Cout-I mean, court is now in session,” The Honorable Judge Ezekial Joeziah Zechariah the Honorable III announced, his beard shining silver like the great Dublin Spire. “Here begins the trial of Trucy Wright. Is the defense ready?” Phoenix gave a confident nod. “The defense is ready, Your Honor.”
“Very well. Is the prose-wait. Where is the prosecution?” the Judge uttered.
Silence. Somehow, nobody noticed the prosecution wasn’t there. “Interesting…” Apollo remarked.
Suddenly, the cold, hard, sound of footsteps echoed from the prosecutor’s corner. The ten-foot high mahogany door swung open, and the sound of a pat, thrice taken, echoed even louder. “Heh heh heh… Kept you waiting, huh?” It was… Winston Payne?!
“You…!” Phoenix yelled, under his breath. Apollo recognized him from his very first case. “Oh hey, it’s that ugly balding bitch again!”
“It’s called a shaved head…!” Payne retorted. “But wait, there’s more…!”
Suddenly, Payne began to slowly inch to the left, as another, equally pathetic looking figure inched to the right. “It can’t be…!” Phoenix yelled. It was done with such precision that it appeared as if the man was performing mitosis. “How’s it going, Peenix Plight, and friend?!” It was… Gaspen Payne?!
“There’s two?!” Apollo yelled.
“Indeed! We are brothers, though we are one the same, but two sides of the same coin!” Winston yelled.
The judge interjected; “All right, the prosecution is FINALLY here. Are you ready?”
“Yes, indeed, Your Honor,” they answered in slightly-less than perfect sync, as they stepped behind the bench.
“Good, now let us begin. First of all, what is the prosecution’s opening statement?”
“Well… It’s a simple case. Open and shut. Start and end. Beginning and finish. Alpha and Omega. Inciting event and resolution! And so on.” Winston began. “You see…” Gaspen continued. “Ms. Toothy Plight was the ONLY one. The ONLY one who was inside Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium, on the morn of the day of the death of the security guard!”
“Yes, yes. Sir Michael Meekins,” Winston continued. “Mr. Magic was busy shoving his pie-hole full of grub from the minute 11:15 through 12 PM. When was the body found? Why, 11:46! Who else could have done it, but that wench sitting at the place where people stand to testify! I can’t quite remember what it’s called, but that’s where she is. You see it!” Winston said, pointing at Gumshoe in the gallery. “And you too, right?!”
“Uhh… Yeah Pal!” Gumshoe added.
“I rest my case.”
“And I rest mine!” Gaspen finished, tugging on his toupee.
“...Very well. Ho ho…” The Judge exclaimed. “Mr. Wright. Do you have anything to say to Misters Payne?” Phoenix’s sweat already started to form on Phoenix’s brow.
“Your Honor… That, in a legal definition, is bullhockey.” The crowd gasped. “You see… 45 minutes is a long time. And in that time, we don’t know if there was a third party involved!”
Winston guffawed. “Ha HA! A typical defense tactic! Bluffing as always I see! Your Honor? The Autopsy Report!”
“B-but I wasn’t even done yet!” Phoenix yelled.
“No nonsense from you, Mr. Plight!” Gaspen sneered. Just then, Gaspen pulled the autopsy report out of somewhere, despite Winston ordering the judge to do it. “Mr. Meekins died of 27 and a half stab wounds to the neck! And, from what you ask? A magic wand! Now, who here do we know wields a magic wand? Any ideas? Audience, do enlighten us!” Winston announced, arms out, beckoning the gallery. The gallery turned to each other and did that distinct mumble.
“I know! I know!” Gumshoe yelled, jumping up and down, shaking the whole courtroom. “Trucy!” he yelled.
“Indeed!” Gaspen finished off Winston. “Yes, Mr. Magic’s best customer, the little girl in blue there!” Trucy stomped on the ground just once.
“I did not! Mr. Judge, send him to the bailiff’s office and have him expelled!”
The Honourable Judge slammed his gavel down onto the circle. “Enough!” he began. “It’s only been five minutes, and you’ve already turned this courtroom - MY courtroom into an animal farm! My favorite book, by the way. Ho ho. Anywho-hoo, I know that this is a very sensitive case, because Trucy Wright is your daughter,” he said, gesturing to Phoenix. “That being said, this is a court of law and should be taken with the utmost seriousness! That includes you two, you rowdy prosecutors.”
The prosecution and defense both lowered their heads in shame, and mumbled; “Sorry, Your Honor…” Phoenix then inched his head towards Apollo. “Gee, you think after all that’s happened these last fourteen years, he’d be used to this by now…”
The Judge slammed his gavel once more. “ANYWHO! The defense may do what he pleases. Would you like to call a witness?”
Phoenix put his hand on his chin, stroking it sensually. He noticed there was a bit of stubble. “Damn, I gotta shave… Anyways, let’s hear it from the girl herself. Trucy, my daughter! I call YOU to the stand!” he yelled, pointing his big meaty claw at her.
“Okay!” she said, with no reserve. She skipped up the witness stand, and began.
WITNESS TESTIMONY: TRUCY WRIGHT
“It was a day just like any other… I was going with Polly to my usual hangout, Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium. I was there to buy myself a new wand! After all, I forgot my old one back at the Berry Big Circus… Anyways, Mr. Magic told me he was going on lunch break, and since I’m his largest source of income, he lets me roam around in the store whenever! Even in the storage room, with all the restricted magic goods. When I got into the store… I… I saw him. That funny looking security guard who hit on me like, five months ago! But he was dead… Blood was pouring from his neck, it was stabbed so much it looked like swiss cheese! I ran out screaming, going to get more reception to call the cops or tell someone, but before I knew it, security guards were there. And they pinned me! Then the cops came. I guess I was the prime suspect…”
Phoenix and Apollo were both doing their “thinking” animations. The Judge had his wide eyed sprite. “Well… The defense may begin its cross-examination! Ho ho.”
CROSS EXAMINATION: TRUCY WRIGHT
“Trucy…” Phoenix began. “First of all, what time was it when you arrived at the store?” Trucy pondered for a second.
“I’d have to say… 11:45 or so. It wasn’t 12. Mr. Magic let me know I was good to go at about 11:30, but Apollo had to take a shit, and I bought myself a coke.”
“Hey, I remember that! Boy, I had to go the whole ride there!” Apollo exclaimed. Phoenix ignored this.
“And because Apollo was there as well, why didn’t they pin him on this too? I mean, if you were both there…”
“Well, no. Apollo was in the bathroom the whole time. You know he takes a while in there! He came out when the cops arrived, that’s why he was able to go let you know, y’know?”
Phoenix understood this. “I just have one more question. Was there, by any chance, a sign of anyone else there? I have a sneaking suspicion, but…”
Trucy thought. “Well, besides-”
“INCORRECT!” Winston yelled. “Your Honor, this is all baseless conjecture! A third party?! PEH! She was the only one in there! We’ve established, Mr. Magic is the only one who works there, and Trucy is the only one allowed to go in storage!” Phoenix’s fist trembled.
“Hey! I wasn’t done! God! Anyways, Trucy. Let’s just establish something here. Do you need a key to enter Mr. Magic’s storage room? Or even the store at all?
“Nope. Not a one. The only time it’s ever closed is when the shutters are down. But that’s only at night, and on Sundays after 5! So really, anyone could be in there!” Phoenix got his confident smirk, and put his hands on his hips.
“You see, this whole time we’ve assumed that there was only Trucy in the storage room. But you know what happens when we assume?”
Edgeworth smirked from the gallery. “Heh, I use that one all the time!” he said, leaning over to Ema.
“Who’s to say that someone else couldn’t have walked in there? T’was no security in the area that we know of, AND… that the only one who has any form of lockage, is Mr. Magic!” Phoenix yelled, pointing his finger somewhere.
“Heh, heh, heh…”
“HEH, HEH HEH…” The Paynes sniggered in a slithery, and scornful way. “Well… by your logic, Mr. Wright, because there was nobody else there to verify that there WAS a third party, this is all, as I’ve said, baseless conjecture! And Toothy over there is still the prime suspect!” Winston yelled.
“Hold it. You’re forgetting one thing, Mr. Payne,” Phoenix stated, smacking the paper in his hands. “Your honor, do you see subject A?”
“Hmm? A bloody paper bag? What does this have to do with the price of oil? Ho ho.”
“Well, you see your honor… I have a witness, who can connect that bag to this very case!” Everyone gasped in disbelief. “But not just one… In fact, it’s everyone’s favorite couple. Ron and Desiree Delite! I call YOU to the stand!” he yelled, pointing at the two.
“Ronnie, it’s finally our turn!” Desiree giggled, tugging Ron by the hand, her ample, slightly exposed breasts jiggling in the winds of the mahogany courtroom.
“O-okay… Just be gentle on me pleeeeaaaase!” Ron squealed. “I hate this place, it brings back such bad memories…” he continued, slowly getting quieter.
WITNESS TESTIMONY: RONALD AND DESIREE DELITE
“Well, this one’s easy. You see, that paper bag? I remember that bag! You see, me and Ronnie opened up a little slice of heaven called the Delite Deli in the food court! We make stacks on stacks on stacks! But if there’s one thing we do remember, it’s our customers. And it just so happens, at about 11:30, that Meekins fellow, he bought a sandwich from us. I remember it now… Just cheese on bread. Nothing else! But not only was his sandwich strange, and his face even stranger, the strangest thing was that when he left, there was some guy… And that guy started talking to him-”
“I DID IT! I KILLED HIM! PLEASE LOCK ME UP, I DID IT!” Ron interrupted.
“No, Mr. Delite. You did not murder Mr. Meekins,” The judge interjected. Ron looked a little reassured. “S-sorry… I’m just nervous…”
“Anywho-de-doo!” Desiree continued. “That guy, I don’t know who he was, but he took… Mokins, was it? With him. And that’s all we know. But I sure do think it takes a bit of suspicion off Trucy, you know?”
Gaspen patted his head. “Well… You are a lovely, ample woman, Mrs. Delite, however… who’s to say this man even went INTO the store? And you don’t even know what he looked like? Pah. Don’t make me laugh. Who’s to say we can even trust this faulty testimony! It has more holes than Meekins’ throat!”
“I agree, brother!” Winston replied, as the brothers began to pat their heads proudly.
“Anyways…” Phoenix began. “Your Honor?” The Judge made a hand motion with a swift “Ho ho.” Phoenix knew this meant that it was Cross-Examination time.
CROSS-EXAMINATION: RONALD AND DESIREE DELITE
“I just have one thing to say, and that’s all,” Phoenix began. “I think, in this court, an unbiased, unyielding palace of the law, this testimony warrants further investigation. There’s no real proof that Trucy did it and we have a potential lead. The last person to talk to Mr. Meekins before his untimely demise.”
“I agree!” Apollo said. “Not to mention, I’ve been thinking of something. We still need to establish who actually notified security about Meekins being dead. There’s something suspicious here. I mean, gee whiz, we have so many unanswered questions…” Phoenix was impressed.
“Wow… I didn’t even think of that! You see, Your Honor? It’s simple. Allow another day of investigation. Easy as that… I rest my case.”
The Honorable Judge stroked his glorious platinum beard, and pondered. “Welp, you convinced me. Ho ho. I assume the prosecution has no objections?” he said, glaring at the Paynes. The Paynes knew there was only one right answer, so they backed away, still chuckling and patting their heads. “Let the monkeys play with their games and their tricks and their bananas too! An investigation will yield naught, but we have no objections. Goodbye… Fufufu…” they snickered, backing out into the shadows of the prosecutorial area, light shining off their glasses and their foreheads like in a Japanese Anime. Oddly enough, there felt no difference when they left, their lack of presence was that defining of them.
“Very well. Court is adjourned! I will leave the defense to further their investigation!” With that, the gavel of justice slammed thrice more, echoing through the courtroom.
Chapter 24: The Truth?!
Summary:
Miles goes on an adventure to a mysterious location with a mysterious new ally(?). What truths will be revealed?
Miles' Side.
Chapter Text
March 28th, 12:03 P.M.
District Court
Lobby
It was but moments after the trial. Edgeworth climbed down from the gallery. Ema and Gumshoe followed, but they had a little more struggle getting down - Miles was a very nimble human being after all. He noticed Wright, his daughter, and the red one in the distance. “Oy! Mina!” He yelled. Hearing this, Phoenix and co. turned to Miles.
“What???” Phoenix asked, tilting his head.
“Oh, daddy! Don’tcha know? That’s ‘hey everyone’ in Japanese! You should know this!” she scolded.
“Yes, yes. I’m brushing up on my Japanese. I’ve been using Duolingo to brush up. Anywho… I think I’ve made a breakthrough in the case!” Edgeworth exclaimed. Everyone, including the bailiff gasped and ‘ooh’d. “See, I completely forgot, but I’ve had a certain piece of evidence in my pocket for the last few days now! It’s… THIS!” he yelled, holding out the musty pink diary with a heart-shaped lock.
Phoenix snorted. “Heh! Is that your diary, princess?” Apollo repeated this, laughed, though it was clear he understood none of it.
“No, this is not mine… Gavin and I found this in Payne’s old office! Ignore the tooth marks, that was from Gavin catching it with his teeth to look cool or something…” Miles scoffed. Phoenix stared blankly at Edgeworth.
“So, uh… what exactly does this have to do with the case?”
“Read it, Wright. You’ll see.” Miles tossed the aforementioned journal to Phoenix, though Apollo caught it with his teeth, just to look cool.
“Again?” Edgeworth thought to himself.
Phoenix opened the journal. “This… This is just some kid writing about her fat teach- oh…” He finally saw it. The page filled with the scribblings of a madman filled with hate, fire, and brimstone. “Oh my god… This is a motive!”
Edgeworth tapped his forehead thrice, in his classic animation. “Correct. And this diary means we have our culprit!”
Just as Phoenix was about to add it to the court record, before the classic three-tone sound could be made, a patting on the head was heard from beyond the door.
“I must thank you!” The man spoke. “For finding my lost property!” It was… Winston Payne?! Again?!
“Wh-what do you mean?!” Phoenix shockingly questioned. “That journal you hold in your hand… Belongs to MY daughter! Penny Payne! The wife and I searched everywhere for it! Even below the floorboards! Like the Telltale Heart, by Edgar Allen Poe! He’s my favorite.” Winston continued, patting about, getting faster with each pat. The dust cloud that emanated from his balding scalp caused Phoenix to wretch and cough.
“You bastard…!” Wright gritted through his teeth.
“Yeah…! That’s valuable evidence, sir! Even I know that!” Apollo chimed.
“Now, now, brown cow! This isn’t officially in the record yet! And I’m assuming you lawyers know the law! That there, is stolen property!” The group gasped.
“You can’t be serious!” Edgeworth yelled.
“Yeah, pal! You’re a douche!” Gumshoe boomed.
“Yeah, fuck you!” Ema booed.
“Yeah! Cuck!” Trucy blurted.
“Now now, all…! Calm your collective titties. Wright, you should exert some control over that client of yours… We wouldn’t want to call the bailiff over there, now would we?!” Payne yelled, giving the finger guns to the bailiff. He finger-gunned back. “Anywho, I’ll be taking that book now.” Payne grabbed the journal right from Wright’s right hand, out of his grip, slicing his fingers on the paper.
“Yeowch!” Phoenix yiped.
“Ugh! We’re powerless!” Edgeworth said.
Payne continued: “Now, I need a smoke. My old pal, Blaise Debeste gave me this lighter! Now let’s see here… Where’s my cigs…” Winston began to flick the lighter. It became lit. He then, without any subtlety whatsoever, set the journal on fire. “Oopie!” He yelled, throwing the journal back into the garbage can. “Guess it’s lost forever now! Yuk yuk yuk!” The bailiff did nothing, though the trashcan was slowly beginning to blaze, much like Blaise’s fake beard. “Now you see… What you get when you try to tame the Payne…!” he laughed, as he hobbled back into the smoke, like a ninja, but with even less presence.
“Dammit! Wait!” Phoenix yelled. But it was too late, smoke began to bellow through the room, causing the fire alarm and sprinklers go to off. They all began to be drenched.
“Shit! Let’s make like a tree and get the fuck out of here!” Apollo yelled. The group ran out of the courtroom, Scooby-Doo style.
March 28th, 12:08 P.M.
District Court
The Parking Lot
Outside the group stood, silent. The courtroom had been evacuated. The clouds in the sky shrouded the area with a drab grey. And Payne had gotten away, destroying the first true lead the group had. Trucy began to tear up. “I… Daddy… Was that our only hope…?” Phoenix wrapped his arms around her. Apollo joined as well. “
There there... Not to worry. Don’t you remember? The only time a lawyer can cry…-”
Trucy cut him off. “It’s a lot less cool when you say it, y'know? Be original, for once! S-stupid!” she sobbed.
“Well… There has to be something, right?” Wright said, reassuringly. Miles interjected: “Hmm… Shit. I’ve got nothing, but the possibility that there’s something in the mall… But even then…” Soon, a mysterious voice echoed through the lot.
“Prosecutor playing defense needs some help! End quote…” They all turned around in shock and terror.
“Who…?!” Edgeworth asked.
“What…?!” Gumshoe exclaimed.
“Where…?!” Ema trembled.
“Why…?!” Apollo cried.
“And How…?!” Phoenix yelped.
“Haha, you all are such a funny bunch of loons. ‘Bunch of loonies asks who, what, where, when, and how I am… End quote.’ I’m right here, in front of you! And I’m doing fine, thanks for asking.” They all finally noticed. Took a minute, but they noticed. And when they noticed, they noticed. It was none other than the very noticeable… Spark Brushel?!
“Wh-what are you doing here?!” Phoenix asked in an exclaiming way. Apollo wretched from the sight of the man, he remembered all too well what their last encounter was like.
“Heya, sweaty,” Apollo waved. He didn’t seem too happy.
“Well, I can sum it up like this: ‘Local journalist has the deets, and not to get in the sheets, but to provide the receipts!’ End quote. Heh. Like that one. I wanna become a rapper one day!” All the tension that Brushel had brought upon the lot was now gone. Left was a pathetic, geeky, kinda smelly man.
“Whatever could you mean?” Edgeworth asked.
“Well, well, well, well. Well… Just between you and me… I know all of Winston’s secrets!”
“What?! How?!” Miles blared in an utter way.
“You see… ‘Old man responsible for Winston is actually my dad!’ End quote.” Everyone gave him the stink-eye. “What? Did I not make sense? Oh, don’t worry. It’ll make sense soon enough. Who’s investigating this bad boy?”
Edgeworth, Gumshoe, and Ema all raised their hands in unison.
“Good, good, good ,good! I can take you all to see the guy!” Edgeworth put his hand on his chin, gently stroking. He had a little bit of stubble - He usually keeps up with the shaving, but it’s been a busy few days. Plus, his new secretary liked stubble. He whipped around to look at the group. “I think it’s planning time!” he announced. Phoenix nodded.
“I need to head back to the mountain. Trucy, let’s talk for a bit before I go.” He turned back to Edgeworth, “Miles… I leave this investigation in your capable hands.” They once again did their secret best-friend handshake, and parted ways.
“You two!” Edgeworth said, pointing at Ema and Gumshoe.
“Ehh?” they both questioned.
“I’m leaving you two to investigate the mall. There’s two very important objectives for you two. Number One, find who alerted security. And Number B, find if there’s any security footage at the time of the murder. These are imperative to the case.” The two gave Edgeworth a mighty salute, army style.
“You got it, sir! But, uh… How’re we gonna get to the mall? We don’t have a car!” Gumshoe whimpered.
“No worries. I know a fellow. A fellow with a rad bike. You might even call it… rockin’. I’ll give him a call whilst driving. You two stay put. As for myself… I’m going with this… Individual,” Miles proclaimed, trying very hard not to insult Brushel to his face. It’s very easy with a guy like him. He smelled kind of like a nursing home.
“Yes! ‘Reporter and Ace Prosecutor go on an adventure to reach out to the truth! And possibly… Find love?’ End quote,” Spark yelled.
Miles announced: “Just one rule. Whatever you do, do NOT look in my glove compartment. But anywho, where to?” Spark suddenly gained a serious tone.
“The Nursing Home…”
March 28th, 12:32 (and 30 seconds) P.M.
Jerry’s Jolly Geriatrics Nursing Home
Some time later, Edgeworth and Brushel entered Jerry’s Jolly Geriatrics Nursing Home. Some old people were playing Gin Rummy at the lobby. “Gretchen!” Brushel gave the finger guns to her. “Makin’ bank?!” he asked excitedly. She wearily nodded.
“Ye’ bet’cher sweet little bippy, Sparky!” Edgeworth was a little dismayed at the fact that Spark came by the nursing home so frequently. Brushel continued to walk down the lobby, giving high-fives and even more finger guns to some of the residents, addressing them all with playful nicknames.
“Miles, get over here!” he yelled, doing a come-hither motion. He went up to the counter next to Spark.
“He-hey… Phyllis! How’s it goin’?” Spark said, leaning on the counter uncomfortably close to her face in an attempt to be seductive.
“Good…” she sighed.
“Oh, you always play so hard to get! Such a tease as always, Phyllis!” he flirted while jabbing his elbow into Miles’ side.
“Do you do this… Every time you’re here?” Edgeworth questioned.
“Oh yeah!” Spark replied. “I’ve been after this cougar for YEARS! Approximately two when we had to put Pop-pop in this place.”
“He’s a handful that Brushel…” Phyllis sighed once more.
“Well, we’re here to see pops! Important crime business!” he said, leaning in even more, slowly enunciating his words.
“Yeah, yeah… Go.” Phyllis said, continuing to read “Seduced By The Scotsman.”
“Thanksie doodle!” Spark said, while pulling Edgeworth towards the elevator.
“Hey, hey! Hands off the jacket! It was imported from Tijuana! I paid a lot of money for that!” The two entered the elevator… Of fate.
“Just a warning… We’re going into the… more assisted area. You know what I mean. If you hear a scream or two, that’s just Norma forgetting her pills again. No biggie!” Spark nudged.
“Why am I even bothering…” Edgeworth muttered to himself.
The elevator dinged. It opened slowly, slightly creaking as if it were about to break. The two slowly walked down the hallway. As expected, a scream was, in fact, heard, but one of a male. “So, Norma’s a man, hm?”
“Oh no, no, no!” Spark replied. “That’s her ex-husband, Armon. They’re anagrams, how about that?! Talk about true love!” Miles felt like he was about to have a coronary.
“Just… Take me to the man!” he stomped.
“Oh, okay. ‘Local prosecutor hates fun…’ End quote…” Spark looked sadly at the floor. He was really enjoying his time with Miles. The two walked over to room 509. “This is it…” Spark announced. “Be warned. He’s a little… touchy.”
March 28th, 12:47 P.M.
Jerry’s Jolly Geriatrics Nursing Home
Room 509
The door creaked open. Light shined into the dark, dank, and dusty room. It smelled like rubber gloves and piss. “Heya… Pop-Pop?” Spark asked, quietly. No response.
“Oh, don’t tell me! After all this, he better not be flatlining!” Miles said, gritting his teeth and clenching his fist and furrowing his brow and clenching his glutes.
“No, no! It just means I gotta do plan B!” Spark said, walking up to the bed. There seemed to be nobody there, but a lump of sheets and a blanket with a face of a tiger that you see in those ethnic homes (Like you’d see in Diego’s folks’ Latino home back in Puerto Rico). Spark promptly opened the blinds, threw the covers off, and turned on a boombox with the album “Powerslave” by Iron Maiden in it. The song “Run To The Hills” was blasting at full blast. Still, no response. “Ehh… Time for plan C,” Spark said, shaking his head. He went up to the old man and smacked him right in the face. Suddenly, he jolted up in his bed.
“Ehh, whoozit?! Are those fucking ugly Reds bombing us now!?” the man asked.
“No Pop-Pop, the Reds aren’t going to bomb us. We’re here to ask you some questions!”
The old man sat up groggily. He peered at the two men, standing before him, and was quite disappointed to see they weren’t too sexy nurses with big ol’ sets of da-doinkers.
“Wha… Sparky? And… Izzat you, Benny? Oh… Wait, is that one of them homosexuals they’re always blabbin’ about these days? Ya better stay away from him… Don’t wantcha gettin’ weird up my boy’s, uh… coot.”
Edgeworth looked a little concerned. “No, for your own information, I like big, busty black women,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“Heh… I uh… Like this uh… fella. Heh. heh. So what’d you boys need now?” Spark began to walk towards him, pulling up a chair next to the bed. “Listen, Pop-Pop. This man here, Mr. Edgeworth, he’s currently investigating a really bad case right now. Like, ‘This is the Trial of the Century!’ End quote. And who’s prosecuting? The Paynes.”
Suddenly, Hotti began scratching his head. “Who? Paynes? I got a lotta pains in my knees! And the only relief I get is seeing those jugs on the nurse Margaret. Whoo-wee! Them's some, uh… Triple D’s at least! Maybe even E! E for… Uh… Uh… Big! Heh heh.” The man was clearly drifting off into his own senile world. Edgeworth began to lose his patience.
“Brushman, or whatever the hell your name is! Make him get to the point already!”
Spark gave Hotti a little knock on the skull. “Listen, Pop-Pop. I’m talking about… The Project. You know, the one you were working on when me and Ben were kids!” Hotti looked down, still thinking. “Oh boy, here. Pop-Pop. Look at this!” Spark sighed, reaching into his deep pocket. He fiddled through it, various coins, rings, loose mints, and toothbrushes all tumbled out, clinging and clanging and even clunging onto the tiled floor. He pulled out an old, weathered-looking card. Edgeworth couldn’t tell what it was, but it looked important. “Here,” Spark said, handing it to his father. The man, very close to blindness leaned in and peered at the card. He began to sweat profusely, seeming as if all the cogs began to finally turn again, after so many long years, like a freshly-oiled machine.
“Les Auchis Terribles,” he murmured. “How long’s it been…? Fifty or Sixty, I reckon…” Edgeworth cut into the conversation.
“What...!? What is all this hullabaloo about?! Les Auchis Terribles?! We aren’t even in France! Or Cote D'ivoire! Or even Quebec!”
“I want you to take a good listen now,” Hotti announced, in a wise, old, southern sage-like voice. He seemed to be a completely different human being. Gone was the decrepit old-fart who liked big busty boobies. “1964… The midst of the Cold War. I was a lead scientist in a joint effort between America and Japan to create… A superhuman prosecutor. Tasked to expand the power the Law has upon thwarting them there fuckin’ ugly Reds. We called it… The Les Auchis Terribles Project. Now, you might be wonderin’, the fuck does an Auchi mean? Well, I thought that too.” Edgeworth was shocked at this man’s new persona. Was he being true and honest? Or was this just the ramblings of an old man with a brain like silly putty?
“Auchi… Taketsuchi Auchi,” he said in a very poorly pronounced manner. “He had a son. His name? Daisuke Auchi. He was an up-and comin’ prosecutor in ol’ Nippon land. After they dropped Little Boy and Fat Man, he sought to reform the country, and become the new face of Justice. So, we needed a volunteer. And we got ‘em. And boys? We sure done did get ‘em. They called ‘im… Big Bouchu. That was Daisuke. So he donated his them there splooge cells. And with that, we were able to genetically engineer… A prosecutor to surpass… A really good prosecutor. Like Andrew Jackson! From the ol’ times… I wudn’t alive back then. Anywho. The first one was born. Set to become a prosecutor in the Americas… We had to give him there a cool American name. So we figured, “Auchi” sounds like “ouchie.” Like when you’re hurtin’ from gettin’ a tree branch straight to the nards. So we gave him the name: Winston Payne. Now, Winston was a lonely boy. He didn’t have friends. I mean, stuck in an underground lab for such a long time. So I suggested giving him a brother. We called him Gaspen. Like “Gasp in pain!” Heh. I don’t care who you are, that’s funny. The two were gonna be sent out in the 80s. They had all the law books injected into their brains. They lived lonely, but were edumacated every dang day. But… Somethin’ happened. Somethin’ wrong. They weren’t… Developin’ right. I mean, it was the 80s! They weren’t supposed to have wrinkles! They began agin, and lackin’ presence every day. It seemed all this work was for nothin, but we kept em for a while longer. By that time, I had me two boys. Sparky over here, and my faggot son who left to play with some dolls with circus freaks. Now them two boys! Hoo-wee. They done bullied those Paynes all the damn time. Right to the brink of a shotgun straight to the mouth!”
“Jesus…” Edgeworth said in disbelief. “What happened then?!”
“Welp, we decided we’d let ‘em go once they were stable. And we did. They end up bein’ somewhat okay prosecutors. And, that’s all I gotta say about that. But… There was some other classified stuff, don’t get me started on that monkey, but I dudn’t know none about that. It wasn’t my department. Anywho, that’s about that. Now, why’d you even ask me?!” he finally questioned after his whole tirade.
Edgeworth’s veins bulged in rage. “Well… We think Winston killed a man. And Mr. Bushel over here… Well, he said he had the ‘deets’, so to say, but this was just a big waste of time! Hilarious, I might even add! This’d make for a great story you’d see on the internet! But unfortunately, it’s been told to deaf ears! Thanks for nothing, you two!” he said, turning away and briskly walking out towards the door. He felt a cold clammy hand grasping his wrist.
“W-w-wait!” Spark yelled. “I promise you! I promise! It’s all true, I was there!”
“No!!!” Edgeworth boomed. “This is malarkey! Ludicrous! Not to be confused with the rapper! It’s too stupid to be true! And I’ve seen some stupid shit before… But this. This?! You’re telling me those Payne bastards are some genetic freak experiment?! Blasphemy!”
Spark began to panic. “I...I-I have the docs! Listen, he entrusted them all to me, didn’t ya Pop-pop?!” Hotti nodded solemnly. “See?! See?! Listen, listen listen! Please!” Edgeworth started to turn around, his fist still clenched.
“You better have something substantial. One of my best buds’ daughter is in mortal danger! I do not have the time for idle chit-chat about some little fable.”
“I do, I do! Listen. Me and Pop-Pop are gonna testify tomorrow in court. And! I’ll give you the files to the project. Tomorrow morning, 6 A.M. sharp. ‘Local Journalist Would Never Lie to his New Sexy Friend! Scouts Honor!’ End quote.” He said, brushing his glasses aggressively with his favorite Oral-B toothbrush.
“...Fine,” Edgeworth said, grabbing Brushel by the collar, pulling him nose-to-nose. “If this is all some sick joke… You will face the consequences. By my power as the Chief Prosecutor of this district, that I promise.” Edgeworth said, letting go of Brushel, dramatically exiting in silence.
“Man oh man! That lesbian we just talked to was a real looker! Heh heh.” Hotti said, back to his old self.
Some time passed. Edgeworth picked up the phone, checking in with the good detectives. “Dick! Did you get there in time? What’s going on?” Gumshoe responded through the phone: “Oh yeah, Pal! The ride was excellent! We’re taking a lunch break right now, so let me tell you all about the ride there…
Earlier That Day…
It was right after Miles left the lot with Brushel. Ema and Gumshoe sat on the curb. It had been around 15 minutes or so since their fearless leader rode off into the Danger Zone. “Gee pal, I sure am pooped from all this waiting!”
“Tell me about it…” Ema scoffed, mouth full of special-edition Double-Choco Snackoos.
“Hey, gimme one of those!” Gumshoe said, his big, chunky, sausage-like fingers reaching toward the bag. Ema hissed, holding the bag away from Dick.
Suddenly, the sound of a motorcycle engine purred. Ema and Gumshoe turned their heads at a rapid speed in the direction of said, established sound. It was... Klavier Gavin?!
"What the fuck?" Ema grunted. "I can't believe Edgeworth called you here..." The motorcycle came to a screeching halt. Gumshoe took note of the brand, he had always wanted one of those bad boys. Klavier took off his helmet and whipped around his hair seductively.
"You like my rad Rad, Fräulin Detective?" he smirked. Suddenly, unbeknownst to both Ema and Gumshoe another equally sexy figure sat behind Klavier, straddled to his back. It was... Daryan Crescend?!
Ema's jaw dropped. "Wha-wha-wha-wha-"
"Take your time, babe." Daryan winked. Ema's face turned Alfa Romeo red.
"You should be in jail!" She roared. Daryan did his classic and memorable sprite where he strokes his pompadour.
"I'm on parole." He then lifted up his pant leg to reveal his state-issued GPS ankle bracelet.
“Whoa. How’d you get that to happen?” Ema asked in a snarky way.
“Money, Fräulein. Lots of it.” Klavier winked, leaning over. “Specifically, my money, but let’s keep this on the down-low, ja?” The two old buds giggled like little schoolgirls to each other. “Anyways, I see you needed a ride, ja?” Klavier asked the two.
“Yuh-huh!” Gumshoe and Ema both said, nodding their heads at a briskly medium pace.
“Well then! I got my side-car ready.” Klavier winked thrice more. “But listen, there’s only space for three… Technically. So here’s how it goes. Fraulein detective. Since you’re the smallest one among us three big boys, you’ve got a choice. Sit on Herr Gummy’s lap, or you sit on…”
“Mine! Heh…” Daryan said, stroking the ‘Pomp. Ema gagged, dropping her Snackoo bag. Gumshoe instantly leapt for it, catching it like a football and rolling down to the ground with it. He took a few out of the bag, munching very loudly.
“What?!” Gumshoe said, mouth full. “I needed some compensation for saving ‘em!” They all stared at Dick blanky. “Anyways, I’m taken! Don’t want another woman sitting on this!” Gumshoe said, pointing at his large pants.
“Same here!” Klavier announced, much to Daryan’s surprise. “Wait, wh-”
“Looks like you haven’t got much of a choice, Fraulein Detective…” Klavier interrupted. Ema dry-heaved. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she did find Daryan very hunky, but she couldn’t stand that smug look on his face. And that pompadour was horrendous. It very obviously would only get in the way on the ride there. She reluctantly put on the helmet, sighing as it slipped on.
“Hey! That sounds like Darth Vader, pal!” Gumshoe said, pointing and laughing. Nobody else found it that funny. Klavier and Daryan climbed back onto the bike.
“Get on, Fraulein.” Klavier snarked. Ema squeezed between the blond and the raven-haired men. Although she hated the two, she did get a slight bit of enjoyment from all the skinny white-boy muscle she was squeezed in between. Gumshoe happily climbed into the side car, tooting the classic horn that played Guilty Love. “Hey, I love this song!” This stroked Klavier’s ego.
“Well, not to worry, Herr Gummy. I slipped you a boot of the EP,” He winked.
“Aw shucks, Pal. You didn’t have to!”
“Oh, but I did.” Klavier winked again. It was apparent something was wrong with his eye, but he didn’t want to mention it in order to look cool. Ema started to feel something strange around her backside. She looked back at Daryan, who just chuckled nonchalantly. “Anyways, we’ve been sitting around this lot for a good five or ten minutes now, we gotta start ridin’! Let’s rock!” Klavier yelled in his Axl Rose-esque voice. They all sped off into the distance…
Back In The Present…
“Anyways, Pal. That’s how that went! That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!” Gumshoe triumphantly declared.
“Um, well… That’s nice to hear. Sounds a lot more fun than the last hour I just spent. But you didn’t need to tell me every single detail. But it’s good you’re able to pay attention to such things. Good detective-work.” He couldn’t see it, but he could tell Gumshoe was happy.
“Alrighty pal! I’m goin’ back to work! We’ve got some good leads, and a fella’s coming to testify tomorrow! Chief of security no less!” This was the shining beacon of hope that Edgeworth’s day wasn’t totally wasted by those freaks from earlier.
“Good, good. Now, I must make some calls to Wright and Gavin. See you all back at the office.” Edgeworth put down the phone, walking down the lot to his red Alfa Romeo GTV. He kicked a can of Bush’s Baked Beans (smokehouse flavor) across. “Ahh, the things I do for justice…”
Chapter 25: A Brief Respite
Summary:
After reconvening with Trucy, Phoenix and Apollo return to Hazakura Temple for a brief rest as Diego valiantly guards the Inner Chamber.
Chapter Text
March 28th, 12:10 P.M.
District Court
Parking Lot
It was just after Edgeworth had left the scene. Phoenix finally had a moment alone with his magical daughter. “So, Trucy, how’s the slammer?” Phoenix asked in a casual yet fatherly tone, with a sprinkle of exhaustion.
Trucy looked up at his big chest, “Well, It’s actually not been that bad! See, they ran out of space and put me in a cell with this really nice man named Tyrome Jackson,” Trucy smiled. Phoenix was a little concerned, and questioned further about this ‘Tyrome Jackson.’
“Tyrome Jackson, huh?”
Trucy nodded enthusiastically, “Yep! Tyrome Jackson.”
“So, uh, what’s this ‘Tyrome Jackson’ guy like? Hmm? I’m curious,” Phoenix said, continuing to sprinkle more concern onto his blend of inflection spices.
“Oh, Tyrome Jackson is a really nice bald guy, who is six foot eleven! Can you believe that? I’m only like five feet! He has a bunch of cool tattoos, and mixtapes. He gets really passionate about my magic tricks!”
Phoenix asked, “Are you sure he isn’t trying to take advantage of you, or hurt you?!” Trucy scoffed and waved her hand at him. “It’s nothing like that! In fact, at lunch earlier, this guy with a really long nose started to mess with me since I took the last ketchup packet. He was pointing his plastic knife at me and everything! But Tyrome Jackson came to save me, and snapped his nose and bent it downward at a 45 degree angle! He ran away crying like a little bitch after that! And then we ate a lot of frowny-face fries… they don’t smile. See? Tyrome Jackson is a good guy!”
Phoenix knew who she was talking about, and was automatically convinced. “Well that sells me. Anyways...Tell Tyrome Jackson to keep taking care of you. I have to head back to the mountain and see the damage the Butz has done. Apollo!” Phoenix yelled.
Apollo looked back as he was sitting on the grass, trying to get his fingers out of a Chinese finger-trap. “Coming Mr. Wright! Sorry, I’m a bit stuck here!”
“Oh come on, unstick yourself in the car! We gotta head to the mountain before it’s too late. You never know what’s going to be smelling up that place…” Phoenix gave Trucy one last goodbye kiss on the cheek. As the copper took Trucy back to the slammer. Phoenix and Apollo climbed into the Subaru Outback (That they borrowed from Diego).
March, 28th, a little bit later
Eagle Mountain
Hazakura Temple
The sun shone above the sky. “Man, I tell ya. I really thought Za-ha-ruh was the one, man. I really did!" Larry said to Diego, who was still intently guarding the inner chamber. He had been there since the nighttime, but with his trusty gigantic coffee thermos, which says "WORLD'S WORST PROSECUTOR" on it, he had-and still has-enough to get him through this task.
"Let me tell you something, kid...!" Diego said, taking a hearty swig. "Young love... You know what they say about young love?" Larry looked back at Diego and began to think - The gears of his brain were turning.
"Nope." Larry said bluntly.
"Ha...!" Diego scoffed. "Well, let me tell you. Sit down, but not on Papa's lap." Larry sat down on a nearby rock. "You see, every day, the coffee beans grow in the fields of Costa Rica. And a plant... Always grows weeds. A good gardener... Always prunes the weeds. Ha...! The delicateness of a small little coffee bean. If the weeds take over, it becomes harder and harder to obtain what we're looking for. Much like the sprouting of a young love on a beautiful summer day...!" Larry looked back at Armando, the gears in his poor excuse of a brain turning as hard as they possibly can.
"So you're saying that... I was the flower and she was the weeds?! So it was her fault! Hah! I knew it man, I still got it!"
"Ha...!" Diego scoffed. "You were like a backyard overgrown with stinkweeds, kid." The gears kept turning, but to no avail.
"Well... I still don't quite get it, but thanks Mr. Armamba!" Diego sighed and took another swig. "Does this mean... We're friends?!" Larry asked with tears in his eyes.
"Ha...! No, I can't stand you, but I can't just leave young love to die...!" Larry still didn't quite grasp this.
"Well, okay new buddy! I'm gonna go watch some sick-nasty oiled up PAWG’s get hammered by BBC’s now. Stay frosty!" he yelled, while running across the bridge. Diego sighed, shaking his head, and continued to chug away at his trusty thermos.
Just then, Phoenix appeared. “Shit!” Diego exclaimed, reeling back in shock. “Where the hell did you come from?!”
Phoenix laughed. “It doesn’t matter. I’m here now, aren’t I?”
Diego grunted in agreement. “Anyways, how’s the ritual going? Are Maya and Pearls okay?” Phoenix asked.
“Ah, fuck if I know. A bald eagle flew by here earlier. It was pretty rad. Ha…! Ha…!” He laughed. Phoenix could tell that this was a good sign that the girls weren’t in any trouble. “Anyways, how's the trial going?” Diego asked while taking a quick swig of his brew.
“It’s going-” Phoenix was quickly interrupted by Apollo, “Horrible, Sir!” He said with a panicked smile on his face. He was sweating bullets, despite it being about 10 degrees Fahrenheit (Celsius sucks. Kelvin is alright though). “It’s a real Payne in the ass…” Phoenix sighed. “Especially since he burned the most incriminating evidence we have.” Diego put a gloved hand on Phoenix’s shoulder.
“Damn, he really pulled the old South Dakota Switcheroo. That’s rough.” Phoenix had no idea what that was. But he was a bit angry.
“T-that’s all you have to say? You were a great lawyer back in the day! You should be giving me wise old sage advice! Not causing a dark night of the soul! This isn’t the Fun and Games scene!” He stomped his foot. Diego thrusted his thermos into Wright’s face.
“Hey! I’m not old! And, I was just about to get to the advice. But, since you’re so mean - I’m not telling!” Diego said, crossing his arms and pouting.
“Aw, c’mon, please?” Phoenix begged while poking his two pointer fingers together.
“No hablo Inglés. Me llamo Diego, la araña discoteca.”
Phoenix huffed, and puffed. “I know you can speak English! You just were!”
“Fine. There is only one piece of advice I can give ‘ya, kid: When the truth is something that you lack… Sometimes you’ve just gotta look in the back.”
“I, uh...I’ll remember that. Thanks buddy.” Phoenix sighed once more. Diego smirked, but all of a sudden, the chiptune Steel-Samurai! ringtone began to blare out of Wright’s pants. “Shit, that’s probably Edgeworth, with some deets on the case. You keep guarding the cave from wild boars and whatnot. And Larry, too.” Phoenix walked away and answered the phone, leaving Apollo and Diego alone in the cold mountains.
“Hey look, there’s a boar now!” Apollo yelled. Diego grabbed his cool samurai sword and yelled a war cry, launching it like a spear, killing the beast on impact. “Headshot…!” Diego grunted.
“Well, we’ve got dinner tonight!” Apollo yelled happily. The two laughed for a minute and a thirty seconds straight.
CALL LOG: 2:00 P.M, MARCH 28TH
Wright… Are you there?
Yeah. I’m here. What’s up?
We’ve had some… Interesting developments in the case today. We got two-maybe three witnesses.
Hmm… Promising. Who are they?
Well, one of them is the head security at the mall. You’ve met him before, according to Gumshoe and co. And the other, well… You’ve definitely met them before. I’m sorry in advance - It’s the only hope we have.
Really now? Just lay it on me, I can handle it.
Jake Marshall, Spark Brushel, and his father. He was calling himself… Hottie? He sure wasn’t, that’s for sure.
Ha ha! ...Oh. You’re kidding, right? I can handle Marshall, but the others? Yeesh.
I know, I know. But if the Brushel’s evidence holds, then we have a motive. It could be a new precedent - Nay, a tipping point. Simply put, decisive.
Decisive, huh? I like the sound of that. Do you have it yet, or…?
No, but Brushel does, and he’s delivering it to court tomorrow. The old man will be there later, but he has a dialysis appointment or something old people do. I hope to never get that old. Or, well, if I do, I hope I’m still rocking this bod.
Same here, brother. Same here. You think we’re gonna make it?
In all my years as a prosecutor, I’ve seen many things. Many turnabouts, and many trials - Even some tribulations in the mix. I think there’s a damn good shot. Godspeed, Wright. God-damn-speed.
Thanks, Edgeworth. Besides that one year, you’ve always been a great friend. True, honest, loyal. I respect that. I’ll see you tomorrow with the evidence, yeah?
Yeah.
Alright. See ya.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Alrighty.
-END CALL LOG.
Chapter 26: The Trials of Trucy Wright: Day Two
Summary:
The second day of the trials of Trucy Wright. Troubles arise at home and at court. What will the three new witnesses bring to the table? What shocking revelations will be made?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
March 29th, 10:00 A.M.
Hazakura Temple
Not the Inner Temple
The morning of the trial. Phoenix was busy slipping on his special Lawyer Shoes, somewhat nervous of the day ahead. Suddenly, he heard Apollo yelling: “Mr. Wright! Get in here, come see the news! It’s bad, real bad!!!” Phoenix ran out to the main room, after promptly tying his shoes in a perfect double-knot. The news was showing a broken down red car, with flames and smoke spewing out of it.
The newscaster was speaking: “On the way to the district courthouse today, a man went into a wreck. The body is unidentified, but there seems to be traces of a bomb going off within the vehicle.”
“A red car… E-Edgeworth...?!” Phoenix said, shocked. He promptly whipped out his cell phone and dialed his best buddy’s number. No answer. He dialed again, and then once more. “Miles?! Miles?!” Phoenix asked after it went to message. Silence. Deafening silence. Phoenix fell to his knees, tears welling up in his eyes. “N-no... this was the only hope we had...! He was my best buddy!!! Our secret handshake...!” He began to sob, pounding the floor with a clenched fist as tight as a boa constrictor’s coiling grip, Apollo leaning down to comfort him with a nice rub on the shoulder. The crying lasted for minutes, but it seemed like hours. How was Phoenix going to go on after this tragedy? All of a sudden, as the piercing silence pierced into the room again and pierced their hearts with piercing sadness, his phone rang, the familiar tune of the favorite show of not only the love of his life, but his best friend.
“H-huh?” Phoenix gasped. He quickly opened the phone and answered. “H-hello?”
“Ahh, sorry about that, Wright. I got stuck in the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru, there’s no reception there, and Gumshoe wanted a donut.” Edgeworth said. Phoenix sighed a sigh of relief, leftover tears still flowing around his eyeballs. “Anyways, did you see the news? I have a bad feeling that it was Brushel in that car.”
“W-Why?!” Phoenix asked.
“I don’t know… Just a sneaking suspicion. But if it turns out the files are lost, well… We’re in trouble. But hopefully Marshall and the old codger can fill us in.” Phoenix was not surprised by the lack of regard Edgeworth had for Brushel’s life, knowing Spark.
“Well... Let’s hope.” Phoenix said. “I’ll meet you at the court.”
“Right, Wright.” Edgeworth said, hanging up promptly with a chuckle.
Phoenix let out a sigh of relief like no other. “Shit…” That really scared us! Sometimes we’re surprised at how good our writing can be. Anyways. A few minutes passed as the tension settled down. As things were finally starting to get calm, Larry walked into the room, holding a large rock. “Hey guys, look at this cool rock I found!” It was about the same size as his head - and about as dense too.
“Whoa! That’s a cool rock!” Apollo yelled.
“Yeah, real cool, Larry.” Phoenix rolled his eyes.
“Here, I’ll show ya! Catch this, Mulatto!” he yelled, hurling the 25-pound rock towards Wright. It seemed as if time slowed down. Wright was frozen in fear, much akin to a deer in fear. The rock landed directly onto his left foot, a cracking noise echoing through the chamber.
Silence, until: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! FUCK!!!” Phoenix screamed in agonizing pain.
“You were supposed to catch that, Nick.” Larry shrugged.
“Larry, you bitch! I’m- I’m gonna rip your fucking heart out you stupid fuck!!! God damn! Ugh, fuck!” Phoenix continued to yell, with tears streaming down his face. Apollo scrambled to pry the rock off of his boss’s foot, and with some grunt, it was off. Phoenix wobbled backwards and fell on his heinie. Sister Bikini jumped out from behind a wall, scrambling and screaming. “Oh, oh my heavens, oh my stars! The Sacred Rock of some mystic I can’t remember is on the floor! What are you young men doing?!” Apollo was hyperventilating.
“The Boss’s foot is broken!”
Phoenix was lying on his back, with groans of increasing discomfort. “Y-your stupid dumb fuck sad excuse of son…” Phoenix gritted through his teeth as Larry casually put his hands in his pockets, whistling American Pie to himself, walking away.
“Oh, oh my heavens! We need to take you to a doctor right away! And throw some sage and ice on it too for good measure!” Bikini bellowed.
“B-but what about the trial?!” Apollo screamed.
“Y-yeah, what he said…!” Wright said, lifting up a weary hand toward him. “You gotta take this one on your own. The briefcase is in my room, and… I believe in you buddy. You are my favorite apprentice after all.”
Suddenly, Diego burst through the door with his cool sword in hand. “What in the everloving fuck is going on?!” He yelled, his voice booming with authority.
“W-well! Oh heavens. This poor boy got a rock on his foot and now they can’t get to their business meeting or whatever it is! The red boy can’t drive!!!” Bikini yelled in panic, kneeling down to tend to Phoenix’s foot - She always carried some natural remedies on hand.
“Shit.” Diego said bluntly. He then thought to himself for a moment. “Well, it's up to me to do some driving, huh? Ha…! I guess I can leave my post for a bit and drive this kid to the trial.”
“And-and me to the hospital, right?” Phoenix sobbed.
“Yeah, that too. Here, lady. Take my sword. You gotta hold down the fort today. I’ve got some Subaru driving to do.” He said, handing the cool sword - Still somewhat stained from wild boar blood, to the dwarf (as per the legal definition of said condition) woman.
“O-Oh. Okay! So just sit in front of the altar, right?” Bikini asked. Diego nodded as well as winked, but she couldn’t see that part due to the mask.
“Here, help me get him up.” Diego barked at Apollo, who had the briefcase in hand. “Heave… Ho!” The two yelled, as they lifted the poor blue man off the cold, hard floor. He groaned. Not only was he still in a daze from the Edgeworth incident, but now his foot was broken, and he was missing the most important trial of his life.
“This day just keeps getting worse and worse…” Phoenix sighed.
March 29th, 11:20 A.M.
District Courthouse
After an unpleasant drive full of pain, and worries of Payne, the group finally reached the courthouse. “Your stop, buddy. Good luck.” Diego gave a thumbs up to Apollo, who saluted back.
“I won’t let you down. You too, Mr. Wright! Don’t let me down! Don’t die!”
Phoenix could only let out a half-hearted “Unhh…” weakly doing a thumbs up. Apollo shut the front door to the Subaru, as Diego drove Phoenix off to the very big hospital in the distance.
“You got this, Apollo. Chords of Steel, Chords of Steel! Here comes Justice!” he screamed, doing a little dance to himself.
“Um...What are you doing there?” Edgeworth asked, coming seemingly out of nowhere. Apollo just noticed this.
“Oh, hello Mr. Edgeworth!”
“Where’s Wright?” Miles asked in concern.
“Oh. Larry broke his foot. Anyways, I’m here! I’m taking over today! Okay, see ya!” Apollo began to walk off. Edgeworth grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.
“Hold on, hold on! Wait… Larry… Wh-Oh, fuck it. I’ll call Wright later about it. Anyways, if you’re taking over… Here’s what you need. Remember, at least two witnesses. One may be dead. They’re yet to identify the body. One I’m sure is alive, the other is old, he may be dead also. Maybe even he’ll die in court! Who knows. Anyways, here’s the folder. We’ll be cheering you on.” Edgeworth said as he gave Apollo the new manilla folder. Apollo took it, walked off, until he turned around and saluted once more - That was becoming his new thing, he quite liked saluting. “Oh, that boy is an interesting fellow. A few cogs loose, I’d say. I can only hope he’s as good of a lawyer as Wright says he is…”
March 29th, 11:30 A.M.
District Court
Courtroom No. 7
Apollo walked into the courtroom, doors opening swiftly like a child tearing open a pillowcase on halloween night. The Paynes were already standing on the prosecutor’s bench. Why they were standing on top of it, nobody knows. Apollo thought it was used as an intimidation stance.
“Well, well, well, brother! It’s the little red monkey!” Gaspen sneered to his brother. Winston chuckled cruelly.
“Where’s the blue monkey? Off choking on a banana? Ha ha!” Payne laughed. “That’s a gay joke!” he whispered to his brother who sniggered at it. Apollo approached his bench, cautiously.
“He’s uh… Well, he’s not here! But I am! Apollo Justice, substitute defense attorney!” he said, pointing at himself with his thumb.
“Oh, goodie!” Winston said, hopping up and down on the desk, slipping and falling down onto the floor. “Ouchies!” Winston yelled. Gaspen looked down, reaching his hand out to his brother. In a slightly touching manner, he pulled his brother back atop the desk.
“Anyways, where’s the old judge?” Gaspen asked. Just then, the Judge - Seemingly out of nowhere -Faded into the seat, his opacity quite clearly increasing, with a Heath bar in hand, and trusty gavel in the other.
He slammed the Heath Bar onto the Gavel Circle, breaking it in half. “Oh, oh shit. Wrong one!” He then switched, eating the broken half of his candy in the process, and then smacked the gavel thrice down.
“Today begins the second day of the Trial of the murder of the man the Mike Meekins, presumably killed by the daughter of the defense, the legendary Trucy Wright, the Young Magician.” The Judge announced. The gallery engaged in a second-long chitter-chatter- as standard in all court procedures - interrupted by another slam of the gavel. “Is the defense ready?” Apollo nervously cleared his throat, and adjusted his tie.
“Yessir! Sorry Mr. Wright isn’t here, he’s in the ER getting his foot fixed!”
“HA!” someone laughed from the gallery.
“Alright, is the prosecution-wait, what are you two doing?! Get off of there!!” The Judge announced at the two Paynes, still atop the bench.
“Uh, now look who’s the monkey on the bed!” Apollo said, pointing.
“Oooooooh!” The same man from the gallery ooh’d. The Paynes jumped off, grumbling at the remark.
“Ready, your dishon-I mean, honor!” Winston said, bowing.
“Very well. What have you two discovered in the last day?” The Judge asked.
“Um...Well. Nothing. We were kinda waiting for more testimony, because they’ll definitely give us ammo against their case! It’s truly 4-D Chess, you see!” Gaspen announced, patting his head.
“Yes, yes. Bring on the damage!” Winston shrugged cockily.
“Hmm. Okay. Defense?”
Apollo reached into the case, and grabbed a sheet of paper, very noticeably the word “SUMMARY” written on it in blood red. “Well, according to this sheet, we have a potential of two witnesses! Maybe even three! One of them might be dead, I don’t know yet. I hope not!” Apollo said. “Anyways, can I call the first witness? Can I? Can I?!” He said, jumping up and down, shaking his fists. He hadn’t done this in a while, and was antsy for some more.
“Very well.” The Judge said. “I can’t wait to see who you’ve got cooking up this time! Ho ho.”
“He’s the head of security at the Very Big Mall! Y'know, where Mike Meekins died! According to our investigation team, he has some big news to share about the mystery of the security footage!” Apollo said, excitedly.
“Well! This is certain to be a good meaty testimony~!” The Judge excitedly squealed, twirling beard. “Does the prosecution object?”
The Paynes both shrugged, their glasses catching a perfect glint of white. “No!” The two announced bluntly, and in unison.
“Very well. Bailiff. Bring him out.”
Silence. All that could be heard were the sounds of metal spurs click-clacking their way to the stand. As the door opened, dust, seemingly out of nowhere, along with a tumbleweed and that classic cowboy whistle noise all entered the room. Then, the familiar figure of the man emerged from the dusty shadows. “Howdy-doody y’all…”
It was… Jake Marshall?!
“Hello!” The Judge waved. “I missed you!” he continued, winking.
“Ayup. I sure did too. After I got out of the ol’ Hoosegow, the stony lonesome, if you will, I always reckoned I should pay you a visit. But I was too occupied keepin’ the peace in the ol’ frontier of that there mall. Ayup.” He then proceeded to spit the dip out of his lip, where it remained on the floor for the rest of the trial. “Anyways, I reckon you need yerself an ol’ hootenanny of a testimony, ayup?” He said, southerly.
Apollo nodded, “We need all the help we can get, pardner!”
“Ah, someone talkin’ my language, pardner! Ayup!” Jake replied, taking a swig of that fine, fine (Yet very illegal) Moonshine. “I’ll tell ya anything you wanna know! Hooo-wee!” He was then cut off by Payne.
“Well, mister...What’s your name?”
“Jake. Jake Marshall. Marshall of the Mall.”
“Mister Marshall…” Winston continued. “Were you present on the day of the murder?”
“Well, shit, of course I was! Ayup. Wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t! Ayup.”
“Well, I have two questions!!” Apollo interjected. “Can you testify about who notified you of the murder, and if there’s any security footage?” He said, in the most eloquent and verbose manner possible. Everyone, even himself, was surprised.
“Ayup. I reckon I’ll tell you both of ‘em! Right now! Hooo-wee! Ayup.” Winston turned away and gritted his teeth into a devilish grin.
WITNESS TESTIMONY: JAKE MARSHALL
“Well, to answer yer first question. It was a skinny lookin’ bastard. Someone who looked like that there dark sunglasses man over there! But it wasn’t him, he had blonde blonde hair, and a rat tail. Ayup. Looked like someone ya see on the ranch and just know. Ayup. Now, it coulda been him, I see that toupee! Very obvious, you oughta get a new one I reckon. Ayup. Now, here’s the interestin’ one. So I go and look at the footage at the request of that detective guy and his lady-deputy! Also with two young dastardly deed-doers. They were real funny-lookin’. Like Butch Cassidy and Billy the Kid! Hooo-wee! Couple ‘a fruits, I reckon. Ayup. Anyways, I look, and that them there security footage! It’s been lifted! I dunno who did it. Coulda been a monkey for all I know! Anyways… I reckon there’s a cover-up goin’ on. Ayup. No way no security footage ain’t gonna get lost on my watch! Ayup?”
Once he was finished, Winston had to speak up. “Well clearly, it DID get lost! Hee hee hee.” Jake Marshall brought out his knife, intimidating Winston, legs shaking akin to twizzlers (black), but as it turned out, he was only using it to shave his stubble.
“Anywho, you got any more questions, Defense Deputy? I reckon you oughta do one of them there ‘Cross-Examinations’. Ayup.”
“Yup! I gotta do that!” Apollo said, excitedly.
“Very well, Mr. Justice. You may cross-examine the witness.”
CROSS-EXAMINATION: JAKE MARSHALL
“Mr. Marshall!” Apollo pointed, obviously way too excited. “So, you say that the person who notified you of the murder looked like that there Gaspen Payne?” Apollo asked, picking up on the cowboy lingo.
“Ayup. I reckon, 30% chance it was him.”
“Objection!” Gaspen objected. “I admit! It was me.”
“Brother! What the fuck!?” Winston said, smacking him on the back of the head.
“No, don’t worry! And don’t hit me! It hurts and I’m very fragile in the heady-head head.” Gaspen. Gaspen objected to his brother. “See, I was trying out my new ‘Golden Boy’ toupee! And it wasn’t a thirty percent chance - it was 100% Because it was me! And you know why? Because I’m an upstander! Not a bystander!” The Judge began to bang his gavel at an impeccable pace and with even impeccabler force.
“Wow! What a shocking revelation! Then, why aren’t you a witness, Mr. Payne? I mean, you saw the body, right? You should be on that stand!”
“Heh! Well, you know what they say, you Honor!” Gaspen shrugged, never clarifying, nor did anyone ask for such. “Well, anyways. I don’t have much to testify. I saw the body, I ran. I told the western man!”
“Heh, nice rhyme, brother!” Winston hi-fived him.
“The point is, I’m a good upstanding citizen. I would be just as criminal as Miss Toothy Plight, if I did not report the body!”
“That’s valid.” the Judge replied.
“Okay… So now that that’s established, Mr. Marshall, how did the footage go missing?” Apollo asked. “Wouldn’t it be kinda sus that the footage mysteriously vanished, when you are - in fact - the head of security?”
Jake held up his hand and glared; “Now don’t you go there and accuse me of shootin’ up an innocent one of my men! Ayup, I ain’t never gonna shoot someone like him! I mean, I did beat him up a few years ago, but we dun made up over some drinks at the saloon. Ayup. Listen, I don’t know WHY or HOW or WHEN or WHO or WHERE the footage is, and all that. But what I do know, is that it ain’t there. Maybe coulda been an inside job…”
“Well, wouldn’t that just incriminate you, or maybe even suggest you helped the girl kill him?” Winston questioned.
“Yes, yes!!!” Gaspen rubbed his grubby little hands together.
“I, uh…” Jake Marshall began to sweat.
“Knick-knack, paddywack, give a dog a bone…!” Winston yelled, sinisterly. “And this proves…!”
“Objection!!!” Apollo yelled. “He is not the culprit!!”
“Good objection, butthead!” Gaspen yelled. “How would YOU know!?”
“Because the detectives searched his WHOLE office, and his house, and even his Ford F-150! He calls it ‘The Crazy Horse’, according to this paper…” Apollo continued. “No dice! No footage! It wasn’t there!” he yelled. “He’s innocent!”
“Well, I believe it! And you know what, I think that makes your dear, dear sister all the more suspicious…! You’re practically admitting she’s the sole offender.” Winston said. Gaspen laughed evilly. Apollo’s hair-sprouts drooped sadly.
“Shucks...This isn’t going anywhere…”
“Yes, indeed! That is why we have the high ground! Don’t you see, Judgey-boy?! The girl is guilty! Nothing that objects to our claim has been shot down by the gun of Defense! Don’t you see?! Don’t you see?!” Winston pleaded.
“Well… I’m thinking about it…” The Judge pondered.
“B-but, I still have two more testimonies!!!” Apollo whined, stomping his foot. “Bring out the next one, bring us Spark Brushel now!” he yelled to the bailiff, desperate to save his half-sister (who he still, after all these years, did not know was his half-sister). “Oh, this day can’t get any worse…” Apollo sighed, scrambling through the case files.
Just then, as if the day couldn’t get any worse, a bailiff ran into the courtroom. “Bad news!! That car crash!! Earlier!! It! Was! The! Witness...Spark Brushel!!! He’s dead!” Everyone gasped.
“What the bloody hell?!” Edgeworth stood up from the gallery, his cravat ruffled like the feathers of a scared chicken.
“N-no pal! That can’t be!” Gumshoe blurted.
“Fuck!” Ema screeched, blasting the eardrums of Klavier and Daryan.
“Scheiße!” Klavier spat.
“Shit, bro…” Daryan said.
“I, uh… Well.” Apollo said, in a daze. He looked into the camera like he was on The Office, during a funny Jim vs. Dwight moment.
“Well, looks like the little toothpaste boy can’t testify for you! Looks like you’re shit out of luck! Ke ke ke ke ke! Fufufufufufu! Bwahahahahaha!” The Paynes laughed maniacally. Apollo clenched his fist.
“No… I’m not done yet. I can’t let Mr. Wright down… I can’t let Trucy down! Most importantly, I can’t let JFK down…! Time for Lawyer Mode…!” Apollo said. “Time for Justice!” He pumped his fist into the air, a wave of energy from his Chords of Steel blowing Gaspen’s toupee clean off. It also blew Marshall’s knife right across his cheek.
“Ah, shit. Ayup, I’m gonna need to use the bathroom. Judge, am I done?”
“Yes, go, go! You’re bleeding on my stand!” The judge yelled, the wind blowing his beard. Things finally calmed down, as Gaspen scrambled to put his toupee back on.
“Well, that was certainly a display. What now?” The Judge asked.
“Yes, what, pray tell is next?” Winston asked, patting his head.
“Looks like I’m gonna have to call the emergency witness… Bring in that old doctor who’s name changes depending on the clinic he’s in!” Apollo yelled.
“Very well. We will have a brief recess until the new witness arrives. Dismissed!” The Judge slammed his gavel down, fading away once more, mumbling: “Time to buy another Heath Bar… Ho ho…” And with that, he was gone.
March 29th, 12:00 P.M.
District Court
Defendant’s Lobby
Apollo was pacing back and forth in the lobby for some time now. The Paynes were off in their room, likely patting about, preparing evil and devious tactics - He just knew it. “If only Mr. Wright was here. He’d know what to do!”
“Ha…!” Suddenly, without any warning, Diego Armando, with a fresh cup of joe, was there.
“Oh gee, Mr. Armando! Are you here to save the day?” Apollo jumped up and down.
“You bet your ass, kid. I mean, you’re still gonna do 90% of the work, but I’m still gonna be here. Mostly for moral support, but still. I brought my cool sword in case the Paynes get out of line. Check it out!” He flashed his sword to Apollo.
“Wow…! That’s illegal!” he said, excitedly.
“It’s okay, I have it hidden in my pants. Just like my other sword! Ha…!” he said, motioning for a hi-five. Apollo jumped up, but just in time, Diego moved his hand behind his head, making a ‘woosh’ noise. “Ha…! Too slow. How about down low?” He had his hand down low, and yet, just like the first time, Apollo was too slow.
After some more fun and games - about an hour’s worth - the Bailiff finally called the two in. “Yeah, we got the old man in! He had some dialysis appointment or whatever old people do. You two get in here, quick.” The two nodded, and promptly followed the bailiff back into the courtroom.
March 29th, 1:00 P.M.
District Court
Courtroom No. 7
In the courtroom, the Judge was already faded in, munching away on his heath bar. He was beginning to be suspicious that people would catch on to his strange fading ability. Nonetheless, he had crumbs in his beard from all the toffee-y goodness. “Man, that Heath bar was good! And it was for good health too! See, I’m trying to get an internship at Heath Bar. That’s my plan if I ever retire. Ho ho. Anyways, where are the Paynes?” Apollo, Diego, and the rest of the crowd looked around. Dead silence, though some crickets happened to begin chirping in the midst of it all. Suddenly, the door to the Prosecutor’s Bench opened slowly. Winston was pushing the wheelchair of Dr. Hotti, while Gaspen soon followed behind, with his hair now parted to the other side.
“Lifesaver Gummy, old man?” Gaspen asked, holding out a green one to the old man.
“Huh? What in the hell? Oh, food? Sure thing, sonny…” He stood up, limped towards Gaspen and ate it straight out of his hand, slobbering all over it in the process.
“I could’ve just… Handed it to you. But oh well.” Gaspen said, brushing his drenched hand on his dark suit. Winston pushed the man back into his wheelchair (rather aggressively, might we add), and gave it a single push, letting go and allowing for inertia to guide him to the witness stand.
“Wheeeeee…” Dr. Hotti said, having more fun than he has had in years. It stopped just shy of the stand, but nobody bothered adjusting him.
“Alright, Defense and… New co-counsel…”
“Sup!” Diego interjected, nodding to the judge.
“Yes, yes. Anywho, Defense. Do you have a question for the witness?” The Judge asked. The Paynes were snickering about something like little girls telling secrets to each other in an elementary-school playground. Apollo ignored this, and slammed both of his meaty fists on the table.
“According to this paper, you were involved in some big project. And in this, you were integral to the lives of the two prosecutors you see here. Isn’t that right, Dr. Hotti?” Apollo said.
Hotti was silent, but Gaspen shouted: “Objection! What relevance does the witness’s involvement in our lives - if there is any - have anything to do with this case?! Miss Trucy Wright killed Mike Meekins. Certainly you aren’t suggesting we were involved? We’re just prosecutors, and being a prosecutor does not a murderer make, you see.” Diego laughed.
“Where have I heard that one before?” Apollo said. “Well...Anyways…” Apollo pointed. “All of those questions will be answered if we let the witness speak. Witness! Take it away!!” Apollo pointed with the other finger. Silence. Hotti was not answering, and scratching his head in the process.
Edgeworth, from the audience, yelled: “Show him the ID Card! Show him! He’s completely useless otherwise!” Apollo winked, and searched through the case, finding it. He got up, did a sassy little walk (as if he was doing a little turn on the catwalk, yeah, on the catwalk), and put it on the stand. He ran all the way back, pointed once more, and yelled: “Take Two! Testify now, Mr. Witness!”
WITNESS TESTIMONY: DR. HOTTI/HICKFIELD/BRUSHEL
“I uh… I… Well… Uh...Y’see… Oh! 1964… The midst of the Cold War. I was a lead scientist in a joint effort between America and Japan to create…Ghhh-!!”
He began to start breathing heavily, his hand on his heart, clutching it. “I-I, it’s the big one! Oh, oh no! I’m…” he began to gasp and wince in pain, and flopped onto the stand. He continued to wretch and heave and foam at the mouth.
“Wh-what?!” Apollo yelled.
“What the hell?!” Diego gasped. The crowd began to aggressively mumble, a sign that things are going very wrong. The Judge slammed his gavel down.
“Order, Order! Bailiff! Call an ambulance! We have an emergency!” Everyone began to panic.
“Fuck!” Edgeworth yelled. “Our only witness! Dead! I bet those Paynes did it…! It must have been true! But how do we prove it?!” As Edgeworth was talking to himself, everyone-save Edgeworth’s crew, and all the lawyers- began to run and scream out the doors. The Paynes snickered, and hobbled away.
“Dismissed!” Winston yelled to the Judge.
“I-I agree! We must put this trial on hold! I expect firm evidence tomorrow! Nothing less! Lights out, Justice!” And with that, the Judge was gone.
March 29th, 1:20 P.M.
District Court
Parking Lot
Apollo and Diego made their way to the parking lot. “Gee, Mr. Armando… What are we gonna do… Mr. Wright is gonna be so let down by this… And T-Trucy…” A single tear let down his cheek, and his hair spikes were floppier than a pancake from Ihop.
“There, there kid. I’m sure the Investigation Team is gonna find something. Listen, I’ve been through a lot worse in my day, and all I gotta say is… The only time a Lawyer can cry is when it’s all over.” Apollo looked at him blankly.
“Nice words, Mr. Armando… But I think you stole that from Gooby, which I don’t appreciate.”
“Shit.” Diego mumbled. “Well, how about this, kid. Let’s get some takeout coffee. We’ll discuss the case...Life… Girls… Maybe even tell a joke or two.”
“Yeah…” Apollo said, his spikes retaining some of their erectness. “That’d be swell.”
“And then, we’ll go get Wright. He’s gotta have his foot fixed by now. He’s not gonna be happy though. But hey, we all have those days.”
The two continued to talk to each other for some time, but meanwhile…
March 29th, 1:21 P.M.
District Court
Lobby
Inside the courtroom, Edgeworth and the gang were deliberating on what to do next. “Well, I’m a loss, pal!”
“Yup, me too…” Ema said, with Klavier and Daryan nodding in agreement.
“Shit. Well, I’m going to go take a leak. Be back! None of you follow me, I like to be in private when I tinkle!” Edgeworth said, sternly. Ema looked a little let down.
March 29th, 1:22 P.M.
District Court
The Shitters
Edgeworth walked into the men’s room, almost entering the lady’s room, but realizing before it was too late. As he slid into a stall, he overheard someone talking from the next one over.
“Listen, honey… I have to drop off some important items. Very important. So important, that if they find out about them, me and brother will be ruined! Well I know, honey. We can’t have our romp tonight! Yes, I, I know it’s been two months, I’m a very busy man! Listen, Priscilla. Just… I’m dropping them off, and once I’m done and get that Wright girl put under, I’m going to fuck you so hard it’ll be funny! Yes, yes, I love you too baby. Huh, what’s the evidence? Oh, just some long files about my upbringing, some camera footage, and the like. I know, exciting stuff. You can read about my childhood if you like! Very interesting. Yes yes. Okay, smooches for you and Penny, bye.”
Edgeworth couldn’t believe it. This whole time he was so distracted, he didn’t piss. But what kind of luck was it that the key to everything was hidden in the bathroom all along? Edgeworth silently put his finger up to his forehead, and under his breath, declared: “Schwing…”
Notes:
While we included the word "sus" in the chapter, we would like to preface that we had written this chapter long before the Among Us craze! Just to be clear, we are not making one of those goofy "IDK, red kinda sus tho" memes. Those are pretty lame! And we are not. Enjoy!
Chapter 27: Stripping Down Payne Manor
Summary:
Edgeworth and the Gang have found an opportune moment of opportunity to retrieve the evidence Winston had stolen. Closing in on this chance, the group comes up with a master plan to retrieve what they need in the name of justice. The journey will be long, to survive they must be strong, and maybe, there will even be... A little bit of schlong.
Chapter Text
March 29th, 1:24 P.M.
District Court
Lobby
Edgeworth finished taking his piss and left the stall. He did a little excited jig, giggling at the prospect of an opportunity. He hurried back to the group, still idle. “Everyone!! Everyone!! This is important! Listen, listen!”
“What is it, Mr. Edgeworth?!” Gumshoe asked, in a panicked way.
“There’s an opportunity to get the stolen evidence back! It may be a longshot… But I heard Payne in the shitters talking to his wife. He’s dropping what he stole off to her. If we can find a way to infiltrate Payne Manor, then we could potentially steal it back.” Everyone looked taken aback by this.
“Wait, but isn’t that illegal. Bro, we need a warrant for that shit, I ain’t about to go back to the slammer.” Daryan scoffed, arms crossed. “I’m too cool to be arrested!”
Edgeworth yelled, angry anime veins, pupil-less angry eyes, and sharp teeth appearing. “We won’t get arrested. We’ll do it in a perfectly legal way. And the whole stealing thing? Well... Evidence Law can save us from that. So don’t worry my phallic-looking friend.” Edgeworth explained.
“B-but… How are we gonna get in there in the first place?!” Ema questioned.
“Yeah, Herr Edgeworth, you got a plan for that?” Klavier asked, snapping away.
“I think we ought to convene at my home for this plan. Let’s go gang.” They all made an “Oy,” noise of agreement and understanding, made their way to the Alfa Romeo and/or Klavier’s bike, depending on the person, and headed to Edgeworth’s abode.
March 24th, 1:45 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
The Garage
Some time later, after the group arrived, they began to lay out their plans on a long table Edgeworth had in his garage. “This is my Planning Table. Only used for plans like these.” Edgeworth stated very matter-of-factly. Five plastic chairs surrounded the table, with Edgeworth at the head. Ema sat with her $1200 gaming laptop (Which she only used to play Minecraft and the occasional hentai game), typing away like a smart person. Klavier and Daryan laid out a roadmap, marking the most optimal routes to and from Payne Manor. Gumshoe was fiddling with a Rubik’s Cube, along with occasionally looking at the existing evidence. “So, what’s the plan?” Edgeworth asked, clapping and rubbing his hands together vigorously. No answer.
Suddenly, Ema finished her typing, slammed the Enter key, and deeply said: “I’m in…”
“In? In what?!” Edgeworth asked.
“In this pussy! HAH!” Daryan yelled from across the table.
Ema scoffed. “Yare yare… Anyways, Priscilla Payne’s Facebook page. I mean, geez, these old people post everything about themselves on here. So easy to steal their info!” She mwee-hee-hee’d to herself.
“Well, all I know is she seemed to be sexually frustrated with her husband. Which I believe, I mean look at him!” Edgeworth said, hands out, mouth agape in a smile, looking back and forth at the company, who suddenly erupted in laughter.
“Well… You’ve got a point! She seems to be very into younger men. She’s been asking if there’s any hot studmuffins in her local area that she could hire for a little… ‘dancing session’. No signups, no bullshit either she says. And the best part? She said Winston’s gonna be gone for the whole night.” Klavier’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.
“Well… Shit. I’ve got a great idea. I’ve got these old costumes from some years ago, a little experimental phase me and the band did. It was when we were called The Sex Police. We were like...17, 18? I dunno. It was right before we hit it big as the Gavinners though.” Daryan snapped his fingers.
“Yeah, yeah! I remember that! Man that was stupid. Kinda fun though.” Edgeworth raised one eyebrow.
“So what are you… suggesting, Mr. Gavin?”
“One word. Cop strippers.” Klavier said.
“Oh no…” Edgeworth began to sigh.
“Listen, she wants some hot man bodies. We’ve got it all, a big bear, me, Daryan, it’s all here. So… The plan is…” Klavier started pointing at each of the members of the group. “Ema, get on that Facebook now. Daryan, get the bike ready. Herr Detective… Make me a sandwich! No. Mustard. Edgeworth, just hear me out man. Now everyone, before you start… Huddle in.” They all began to huddle, and Klavier whispered his plan to everyone. Edgeworth’s expression slowly became more and more concerned with this plan, but he begrudgingly accepted it. After all, it was for justice.
March 29th, 3:00 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
The Closets
About an hour later, after many preparations, Ema finally rose up from the computer. “And… She accepted.” Ema said, excitedly. “This is gonna be SO fun!” She yelled, jumping up and down. “Are you guys ready?” She asked, looking towards Edgeworth’s large walk-in closet.
“I can’t believe this… This will never work…!” Miles criticized, looking at Ema.
“Just wait and see!” She said.
Inside the closet, the three men were bumbling about. “Uh… Is this thing fitting properly?” Gumshoe asked.
“Yeah, yeah. It’s supposed to be tight.” Klavier reassured.
“Heh, this is gonna hurt.” Daryan chuckled.
Finally, the three men emerged from Edgeworth's walk-in closet. First, Klavier. Everything you'd expect from a cop-themed stripper: The hat, sunglasses, top, black booty-shorts, fishnets, and surprisingly, high heels. What shocked Edgeworth and Ema more was that Klavier appeared to know how to strut in high heels without so much as a wobble. Second, Daryan. After spending over 6 years in prison, he wanted to go with a bad boy shtick. With more of an edge compared to Klavier's. He wore almost the same outfit, except for pants, and his shirt wide open to expose that hot clavicle and pecs. Last but not least, Richard T. Gumshoe emerged. It was Klavier's clever idea to outfit Gumshoe as a prison inmate, to follow with the ever present cop theme. Gumshoe was the baddest boy. Sent to jail for being too hot! His costume was simple, yet effective. An orange jumpsuit that was zipped down to expose his large, hairy chest. The real kicker, however, was that suit is crotch-less! In full view, there stood Gumshoe's behemoth of a cock (only flaccid, mind you) wrapped tightly beneath a jet black speedo. Daryan and Klavier had a hard time focusing on anything else. Embroidered on the back read the words "Inmate #69." Daryan emerged, nonplussed, and Gumshoe stood sheepishly in front of Miles and Ema, while Klavier was enjoying the attention. Ema was practically drooling. She always thought Klavier and Daryan were fucking pricks, but put those feelings aside to marvel at their rocking bodies. Edgeworth, after finally realizing what they had created, nodded approvingly, "This actually might work... Hopefully your combined sexiness will be enough to seduce Mrs. Payne."
"Who said it was only gonna be three of us, Pal!?" Gumshoe cheered. Ema perked up like a dog.
"Yeah, you're gonna be the cop car, buddy," Daryan stated bluntly.
Miles reeled back in shock and disbelief and other words that signify surprise, yelling; "I'M THE CAR?!"
“Well… Yeah, but, you’re gonna purposely do a shit job. You see, just be a total fuckup. Fraulein Detective is going to pose as our manager, so she’ll scold you and you two can sneak away and find what we’ve gotta find. Versteh du?”
Edgeworth nodded, but sighed. “Yes… But why must I dress up as a car? This is...Well, this is insulting!”
“Okay, but… All cops have a cop car!” Gumshoe exclaimed. Ema, seeing an opportunity to see Edgeworth’s hot hot bod, chimed in. “He’s right, you know!” Edgeworth sighed even harder, and threw his hands up in the air.
“Fine! Fine. But this better work. Or else I’ll give you all a scalding scolding! Heh. That was a good one…” he said. “I’ll get dressed when we get there, I have to drive anyways. Let’s… Let’s just go.” Everyone nodded in agreement, walking to the garage - Where Edgeworth decided to take his scarlet Alfa Romeo GTV. Ema walked towards the front door, but Gumshoe swiftly cut ahead of her and jumped into the front seat instead. “Oh yeah, Gumshoe always gets shotgun in my cars. You’re going to have to sit between those two.” Edgeworth said to Ema, whose eye began to twitch.
“Wh...Why me...?”
March 29th, 3:20 P.M.
The Roads
The ride throughout town began smoothly, despite the cramped back-seat, but everything changed when they saw a very special individual. “Whoa, whoa, Klav! Hold up! Is that who I think it is?!” Daryan yelled to his bro in the backseat of Miles’ car.
“Whoa...I think that is, bro.” Klavier responded. “Hey, Herr Edgeworth, you mind stopping for us? This is important.”
Edgeworth, his face promptly in his palm responded: “This is important business though. We must get to Payne Manor in time!”
“Oh come on, it’s only like half an hour away! We got all night!” Daryan said with a bit of punkish attitude.
“Fine, fine. I’ll pull over. Only if it shuts you two up!” Edgeworth responded. He then pulled over, still not noticing who the two were so intent on seeing. Klavier and Daryan got out of the car, giving Ema some much-needed breathing room. “I wonder what those two are-“ he looked at where the two were headed to, and once he noticed who was there, Edgeworth became dead silent.
“Heya, Herr Piss-Boy! Been a while!” Klavier said to the man.
“Haha, miss us back in the academy?!” Daryan continued.
“Oh god, not you two again!” A voice that sounded like it was smack-dab in the middle of Puberty Highway. As it just so happened, they were driving on Puberty Highway just a few minutes ago!
It was… Sebastian Debeste?!
Edgeworth got out of the car promptly, after noticing who it was.
March 29th, 3:30 P.M.
Bench
“Heh…! Didn’t think we’d see you here, kid!” Daryan taunted, doing a manly gesture that we can’t convey in writing.
“Wh-what?! Why are you bothering me?!” Debeste said. “And what’s with those ridiculous outfits?!”
“Haha, remember the good old days back in the Academy?” Klavier asked, sitting next to him, completely ignoring his second question.
“Oh you know, when you and that goon over there would bully me every day?! You should be a buddy, not a bully!” Sebastian said.
“Oho, that’s rich!” Daryan chuckled darkly. “Your daddy bought your way through school while we had to clean up all your messes. You deserved it!”
“Haha, especially the piss-puddle you made in the hall!” The two goons continued to laugh and taunt him, flashing back to their old days in the Themis Legal Academy.
SOME TIME AGO....
It was during hallway time between classes. The up-and coming legal prodigies of the world were doing what any teens that age were doing. Drinking, smoking the Wacky Tobacky, and even having premarital kisses. Klavier and Daryan were some of the baddest boys on that side of the schoolyard, but all the girls wanted them. But Klav wasn’t looking at any of the girls. They always got themselves into some wacky situations, often leading to the ever-dreaded detention with Aristotle Means. He always would say: “The Ends Justify the Means!” after giving each of them the even-more dreaded Detention Spankings with his Yardstick of Knowledge. Everyone hated him, and totally knew he was a criminal, but said nothing of it. It seemed like nothing could go wrong for the dynamic duo, until… Sebastian Debeste came to town. For some reason, he always called them gay, and other even worse words (Like homo!) And to make matters worse, because his dad bought him his way through everything, he liked treating the other students like his slaves-especially Klavier and Daryan. Every mess he made, every move he made, every step he took, he always left something for those two to clean up. But one day, Daryan had enough. He was tired of being called gay-because he was not gay. He liked women, and especially their vaginas. Just because sometimes he thought Klavier kinda was attractive, that doesn’t make him gay. Okay!? He’s just a pretty guy, who’s my close friend, that I just like to touch a lot. Especially the clavicle. It seemed as if Daryan’s mind began intertwining with the narrative of this flashback. Anyways, one day, in the bustling halls...
“Bro. Watch this.” Daryan snickered, patting Klav on the shoulder signaling to pay attention. He tip-toed up behind Sebastian who was organizing his locker, reeled in close, and gave him a mighty “Woof!” Suddenly, Sebastian squealed, his hair standing on end, and all of a sudden, a golden puddle began to accumulate on the floor, and in his expensive pants. Klavier began to scream in laughter, pointing at the pathetic little boy.
“Hey look everyone! Sebastian is a piss-boy!” Suddenly, the entire hallway erupted in hysteria.
“Ew, you’re so gross!” Someone shouted.
“Go empty the tank in the bathroom, nerd!” another said.
“Wow, I was so gonna date you, but now? Nuh-uh!” A girl exclaimed.
“Debeste?! More like...De worst! You’re just a Piss Boy now!” Another girl laughed.
“Piss Boy! Piss Boy! Piss Boy! Piss Boy!” They chanted cruelly. Everyone laughed at the Sebastian, who began to tear up and run away. From then on, everyone knew him as Piss-Boy.
BACK IN THE PRESENT...
The flashback ended, cutting back to the echoes of “Piss Boy” chants, Sebastian was crying, with Klavier and Daryan sitting next to him on each side, recounting their story, pushing him back and forth. Even Edgeworth managed to start laughing. “To think I got all that hell back during the Mastermind arc from a Piss-Boy! Hah! What a fruit!”
Daryan then began to get in Sebastian’s face. “Yeah, who’s the gay one now?! Huh?! I’m not gay!!! You’re the one who’s gay! You!!” He began to aggressively point at the poor man.
“Bro, calm down. He’s just a Piss Boy, this doesn’t have anything to do with how we swing.” Klavier said with a worried expression on his face. He pulled Sebastian towards him by the collar and whispered “Listen man, he’s just a bit insecure. I wanted a good laugh, y'know? He’s just a bit… Aggressive when people mention his sexuality. You get it, ja?” Sebastian, trembling with tears, trying very hard to not piss again, nodded.
“Y-yeah.. .I get it. Just go away...!”
“All right boys, we had enough fun.” Edgeworth said, grabbing Klav and Daryan by the ear. “We must go to our destination now. But not to worry, we’ll call him up another day and bully him. Toodles, Piss-Boy!” Edgeworth continued walking towards the car. They all got back in and continued to drive towards the mountains.
As they left, a single tear rolled down Sebastian’s cheek. “They’ll...They’ll pay for this!” He said to himself, shaking his fist like an old-timey villain.
March 29th, 3:35 P.M.
The Roads Again
“Sooo… What was that about?” Ema asked.
“Don’t worry about it…” Edgeworth replied. “Just a little pissant we have some memories with.”
“Heh! Pissant! I get it!” Daryan laughed out loud. Some time passed, and as the gang began to drive up the mountains, things began to get a little antsy without any tunes. Ema, being squished between these two hunks of pure scantily-clad men, was feeling a mixture of discomfort, annoyance, and arousal.
“Me and Daryan? Best buds, even back in the day, man. We were tight”, Klavier said with tears in his eyes. "I remember the fun times we used to have in the locker room during our gym jam seshes.” Klavier thought back to the days he would spend with Daryan. It was in the locker rooms they stood, dicks out, knowing that they would never judge one another.
“Cock’s lookin' good, Klav!” Daryan yelled while passing by his buddy, giving him a hard and passionate bro-smack to the ass.
“Ha ha, you too man!” Klavier yelled back. He snapped back to reality from his thoughts, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Man, those were the days, man! The days!" Dead silence was throughout the car, but Ema found it to be pretty emotional.
"Yo, Edge-man." Daryan beckoned.
"Hmm? What is it?" Edgeworth replied while making a pretty epic drift at a turn.
"Nice drift bro, anyways, this ride needs some tunes."
"Tunes? Oh, I've got many tunes, what do you want? Earth Wind and Fire? Kool and The Gang? Rick James? How about some Lakeside?"
"Nah, none of that man. You mind if I stick this baby in there?" Daryan said, holding out a CD. "It's a band we like. Surf Punks, you ever heard of them?"
"...No, I don't think I have." Edgeworth responded.
"Oh shit, you brought Surf Punks?!" Klavier asked, excitedly turning towards his bro, squishing Ema even moreso in the process.
"Hell yeah dude!" Daryan laughed excitedly. He took out the disc and frisbee-flung it straight into the disc-slot, which sucked the CD right in.
"Impressive, dude!" Klavier hi-fived his bro.
"Thanks, I was working on that trick while I was in jail." Daryan replied. "Hey, Edge-man, change it to the second song."
Edgeworth, confused by nearly everything going on, did indeed switch to the second song. The music began to play. It was the song Shark Attack.
"Oh HELL yeah, this is my favorite one!" Daryan yelled, busting Ema's left eardrum in the process. Gumshoe began to bob his head back and forth.
"Well gee pal, this song ain't half b-"
"Shh, shh, it's starting!" Daryan said aggressively. As the vocals began, Daryan sang them perfectly. "They call me The Shark, I come out after dark. I feed on young… I get things done. (Guitar noises). There's a dark shadow lurking in the deep, hunting and looking for something to eat!" This continued for the entire song, his bro even joining in on the chorus, and screaming the ever-famous Lifeguard's line: "OUT OF THE WATER!" promptly busting Ema's right eardrum. Gumshoe seemed to have a fun time though, he thought the song was pretty rockin'!
"Haha, that was a jam. You like that, babe?" Daryan asked Ema, whose ears were ringing like an alarm clock on a Monday in September. She was dead silent, but a scornful look on her face could tell it all. At least they were hot, though - That was her only solace in this torturous ride.
"Anyways, how long until we get there? We've gotta be close by now." Klavier asked.
"God, I hope so..." Ema muttered.
"Oh, we've still got about 50 minutes left." Edgeworth said, looking at the GPS on his phone.
"Well shit. Looks like we're gonna have to do some more jams then." Daryan smirked. Ema buried her face in her hands and began to curse very naughty words under her breath. They continued driving for 49 minutes. They listened to many songs, including, but not limited to: Canned Heat, Fergalicious, Just a Friend, and even the extended version of Fantastic Voyage by Lakeside. Sadly, because the ride was only 49 minutes, and not 50, much to Edgeworth’s dismay, they couldn’t get to the “To the land of funk” part (his favorite part).
March 29th, 4:20 P.M.
Payne Manor
The Entrance
Finally, they had arrived at the manor. “Welp, pal… We’re here,” Gumshoe was slightly distressed. The only woman he wanted to see his figure, was the love of his life, Maggey. But it was for justice. It was for his friends. It was cold.
“Hey, bub!” Daryan yelled to Edgeworth. “Beep beep, you know what time it is!” he said, doing an air honk the horn motion, whilst stroking the ‘pomp with his other hand. Which hand? We’ll never tell. Edgeworth gritted his teeth. He knew he had to do it, but he really didn’t want to.
“Ugh… This is so degrading. Especially since I already have to be the failure of this group! Why couldn’t I have been the good cop?! I’m the best after all!”
“Listen man, I’m always Longwood.” Klavier said with a serious point of the finger. “Just get in the car suit, and it’ll all be okay.”
Edgeworth sighed, grumbling and bumbling and mumbling. He started to think about how simple his life was back at the office. Finalizing cases, betting on the races, and looking at all the faces. But now, he had to go so far as to degrade himself as a cop car. At least he could have been an Alfa Romeo GTV, he wouldn’t have minded that. In fact, he would have pulled it off. “Fine...I’ll go get dressed. Nobody look!” he said, as he went back and popped open the trunk, grabbing the car suit. He took off his suit before doing so, as he didn’t want the elements to ruin the fine material. Afterwards, he lumbered into the bushes, akin to Bigfoot being seen. Ema tried to peek into the bushes, but Gumshoe, with all of his hulking stature blocked the way, much to her dismay. As it was cold, being atop the mountains in March, Edgeworth began to notice his nipples coming to a fine point.
“Dammit, not here! Not now!” Edgeworth was always very embarrassed by his unusually small nipples. After finally slipping on the car, he took a deep breath and adjusted his cop hat in order to display readiness. “You can do this, Edgey. You can do this. They won’t laugh. They won’t even notice, they w-”
The second Edgeworth emerged from the bushes, Daryan pointed straight at Miles and yelled “HAH! Tiny nips, tiny nips!” and began to laugh hysterically. Klavier and Gumshoe didn’t care as much. Ema thought he was hot regardless, but nonetheless, Edgeworth began to start covering his chest.
“D-don’t look!” As red lines appeared to cross his cheeks, even bridging the bridge of his nose. After a good and hearty chuckle, they all marched to the entrance. The four men stood on the steps of the Payne manor. The cold air of a spring night blew. Ema was still fucking around in the car (sadly, not the car she wanted), so the men stood like this for about ten minutes. It was definitely enough to make anyone shiver - especially considering Klavier was wearing shorts, Gumshoe had his crotch exposed, and Edgeworth only had on boots - a jockstrap - and his little car outfit. Daryan was the only one sensible enough to wear actual pants.
Despite Payne being a lackluster lawyer, he was still considerably wealthy.
“Man, that sure is a crib…” Klavier muttered. “I’m richer than he is and I don’t even have a house like this!” he pouted.
“That’s what you get for spending thousands on guitars every week bro.” Daryan.
“Come on, they’re cool!” Klavier began to say in a defensive tone. After some bickering between the boys, Ema finally emerged from the car, racing over as her science equipment rattled in her bag.
"Okay, we all know our roles, right? I'm the look-out, of course! Mr. Edgeworth will investigate. Gumshoe is the main distraction, along with Klavier and Daryan. If anything escalates - I need Gumshoe and Daryan to provide physical protection!" All the men nodded. Honestly, Ema delivered the exact same speech as soon as they pulled up, so they all had zoned out by this point.
“Should we, uh… Who’s gonna ring the bell?” Gumshoe asked.
“You do it, bro.” Daryan nudged him with his elbow.
“No pal! I’m too n-n-n-nervous! How about the good cop do it?!”
“What, no no no. Edgeworth can do it, he’s the boss.”
“I don’t touch doorbells! I don’t want their germs!”
“Fine, fine, fine!” Ema yelled, “I’ll do it.” she slapped on a latex glove, walking with a sassy hip sway, the force of which pushed the men aside (Gumshoe even fell down!), and twirled her index finger in the air, finally ringing the bell. They heard a muffled voice, probably displaying excitement through the home. They heard the click-clack of high heels walking down a large staircase. That sure is one echo!
The doors finally creaked open. Priscilla Payne emerged. Much to the boys’ surprise, when they looked down they saw something incredible. A pair of two honky-tonk, badonka-donks, the biggest they may have ever seen. It invoked a PRIMAL level of arousal in the crew. Gumshoe was still on the ground from the fall, trying his best to get back up. It’s hard when you’re that brawny.
“Wow… She’s not even black, and I- Oh…” Edgeworth’s primal caveman instincts immediately turned to disappointment in a split second. Klavier and Daryan soon followed after, frowning very bigly. They noticed her face looked exactly like Winston’s. “Hello, cuties!” She gurgled, arms wide open. It was clear she was a heavy smoker, cuban cigars and all. They knew they would be in for a long ride.
“Come in, come in!” she beckoned, doing the old lady single index finger “come hither” beckoning motion. The four men (Gumshoe finally got up) jaunted into the foyer.
March 29th, 4:35 P.M.
Payne Manor
The Foyer
As Ema began to enter, Priscilla stopped her in her tracks. “Now now, honey. I never asked for a WOMAN to come in here. This is boys only! Sexy ones at that! No ugly men allowed!” Klavier chuckled under his breath. Ema put her hands on her hips.
“Uhm, actually, I’m the manager for these gentlemen of the night here. So I have to come in.”
“Fine fine, just don’t get in the way!” Priscilla said, shrugging, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.
“Damn, this house is cool!” Daryan exclaimed, echoing through the large open foyer.
“Well thanks, honey! It’s because my husband is a super successful lawyer!” Klavier chuckled even louder, as did Edgeworth.
“Too bad he isn’t successful in pleasuring me! Uh huh huh huh-HACKGH!” she coughed, inhaling the cigarette smoke. “I told him to buy me the camels! I need Marlboros! And he forgot my scratchers too! See why I need boys like you? I’m a lonely woman! I need ‘em handsome, young and…” she said, walking up to Klavier and placing her hand on his left pec. “Shredded…!” she whispered, with a slight squeeze. Klav looked like he was about to puke.
“Ha ha, ja…”
“Ooh! A German! Now that’s a bonus, I know how kinky YOUR KIND is!” Klavier began to sweat. He didn’t know how to tell everyone he wasn’t actually German.
“Yep, uh… So where we ‘goin?” Gumshoe asked sheepishly.
“Oh, honey! You’re gonna come up to the living room! Come on up, come on up!” she said, running up the stairs in excitement. “Oh this is gonna be so fun!” The four defenders of justice, and Daryan sighed in unison. “Let’s go…”
March 29th, 4:40 P.M.
Payne Manor
The Living Room
In the living room, there lied a large leather couch. “It’s very big!” Gumshoe chimed.
“And made of leather!” Priscilla added. “You boys get comfy, and you. Female. Go stand in the corner,” she pointed at Ema, pointing her towards the corner with Winston’s marbled bust.
“God, what a bitch,” Ema muttered, as Priscilla went down the hall. She came back in a minute. “Who wants martinis?!” she cheered, in a sing-song manner.
“Boy, I could use a drink…” Edgeworth muttered.
“Oh, honey! Here you go, baby pie.” She gave Edgeworth the martini, as he gulped it down in a swift fashion.
“Okay, okay! Let’s start the show! Introduce yourselves, boys!” The four lined up and began the introduction.
“Like we practiced, boys!” Ema yelled in a coaching manner.
"Officer Longwood, reporting for duty!" Klavier yelled with a thumbs up.
"Heh... And I'm his rough n' tough partner, Officer Sharktooth." Daryan continued off him.
"And you, young lady? You're under arrest!" They pointed at Priscilla, who was very thrilled. "Looks like you'll be locked up with Inmate #69!"
Gumshoe, who's dong was nearly hung, pointed at himself and said: "Aw gee, Pal! Looks like you're joining me' in the...uh... Slammer!" He said, shrugging and feeling very uncomfortable. Edgeworth was silent, causing Ema to tiptoe up and elbow him in the side, whispering
"Line!"
Edgeworth mustered up all he could, and dejectedly sighed: "Toot toot... I'm the Prowler. Vroom vroom..." getting more and more miserable with each word uttered.
“Oh, oh this is marvelous! This is sexy! My nips are like rocks! And not just because it’s cold. It is, and it’s contributing, but now they’re even harder! Now dance! Dance boys!” She grabbed an old looking boombox from the TV stand, and clicked the on button. The boys started to dance to many erotic songs, including: Erotic City, Physical, Between the Sheets, Don’t you Want me, and Celebrate good times come on. As the music continued to play, and as the boys danced away, Ema gave Edgeworth a hand signal.
“Now!” she whisper-yelled.
Edgeworth, happy to finally be done with this charade, started to yell: “Whoa, whoa whoa!” and slowly sat down, trying to pretend to fall on his heinie. “Oh no. I have fallen. Ouch. I quit.”
“Hey!” Ema yelled. “You’re being a very naughty boy right now! And as your manager, I need to scold you now!” Ema winked at Edgeworth. “This poor young lady is paying good money to see you dance like an animal! Not like a fool! Mrs. Payne, I am so sorry. Is there a room I can whip this man in back to shape? Somewhere quiet, like a study?” Priscilla started to like Ema more, it was clear to her that she was on her side here.
“Oh, yes girlfriend. You can go to my husband’s study. He soundproofed it! Just don't go and look through any of the files. He told me to go hide something, some evidence for a trial or something. I don’t give a shit, I just wanna see some man-ass.” Edgeworth’s eyes began to widen in excitement.
“Oh yes, please… Uh. Punish me, manager.” He said, running down the hall where Ema followed.
“Be right back, Mrs. Payne!” She called, going after Edgeworth, giving the boys an “OK,” signaling things were going OK. The three remaining men were left alone with Priscilla.
“Oooo-kay! Now that one of your friends is gone, you’re gonna have to work even harder! Come to mama!” She said, walking over to them, giving a sense of dread through the entire room.
March 29th, 5:20 P.M.
Payne Manor
The Study
They walked down the hall, but not to the left. That was where the bathroom was. Ema noticed it had a very nice hot tub, though, and she loves big hot tubs. “This is it…” Edgeworth said, turning back towards Ema. The sign above the door to the study said; “STUDY: NO GIRLS ALLOWED. INSANELY EPIC ROOM!” With a nuclear hazard symbol next to it.
“Wow, he really is like a child, isn’t he?” Ema said. They chuckled together. Ema went into the room, but Edgeworth had a bit of a hard time fitting his large car suit through the door.
“Ugh-Fuck! You know what?! Fuck this!” He yelled, tearing the suit to shreds, giving it a hearty stomp. Ema was a little sad, because they worked so hard to paint it, but she didn’t say anything. Plus, she finally could see the most bare Edgeworth she had ever seen. The room was filled with varying shades of brown. Newspapers were hung upon the wall, as well as suits behind a glass case. They weren’t very good suits, but some were very recognizable, including the deep green suit Payne first wore, the classic grey suit, and the piss-ugly lime-green one from the Apollo days.
The two began scouring around the desks and tables in the study. Ema was even checking for loose books in his bookshelf. “Maybe there’s a secret switch in here!” she proclaimed.
“Nonsense! This isn’t that, what’s it called - Dooby Scoo show that the kids watch! This is reality!” Edgeworth scolded. Ema looked offended.
“Well… Sometimes it’s real! And it’s called Scooby Doo, by the way. Gosh!” she said, in a very sassy way- hair flip and all. Edgeworth scoffed, and they went back to searching. Suddenly, they started hearing some noises, and the music became very loud. "The boys are really giving her a show, huh?" Ema snarked to Edgeworth as he rifled through the contents of various cabinets in Payne's office.
"Yes, I suppose so," Edgeworth murmured, too preoccupied with finding any incriminating evidence.
Meanwhile…
"Oh, you little whores!" Priscilla giggled. Each man was doing some form of sexy dance, or sexual movement. Gumshoe was bad at both, but Priscilla didn't notice as she only focused on how his balls bounced. She pulled a phat wad of 50s out of her purse and "made it rain" all over Gumshoe. Gumshoe was embarrassed, and felt that he was betraying Maggey. His enthusiasm died down a bit.
"Oh, come on, slut! Work that body!" she grunted. "Fine, if you're not gonna work for your money - You two!" she said pointing at Klavier and Daryan. "Make out with each other! I love when hot gay men kiss eachother! Only if my husband would kiss another man for me..." she sighed longingly. It was clear what kind of kink she had. Daryan's face turned as red as a red Alfa Romeo GTV (Which one? We’ll never tell).
"Wh-what!? No way, Lady!" he shouted. Klavier said nothing.
Priscilla smiled, "I'll give you each 300 dollars!" All of Daryan's reservations, and all of Klavier's ambiguous feelings were put aside as they mashed their lips together, and their tongues battled for dominance.
Inside Payne's dark, damp, and musty office, Edgeworth was scrambling through his desk to find the Project files. On a corkboard above, he noticed a photo of Payne, his wife, and his daughter. It looked to be at least twenty years old. "Wow... That was Priscilla?!" Edgeworth yell-whispered. “Ms. Skye, come see this!" Ema scuttled up to the desk, and noticed the picture. It was like she was a completely different person.
"Wow... Look at that. She doesn't look like him at all in this! Good face, perky tits, hips for days, she's got it all. Mhm. Poor lady," Ema sighed.
"What a tragedy for the ages," Edgeworth sighed. "That being said, let's keep this to show the boys later. They'll get a kick out of that!" As they continued shuffling through the desks, they finally found it. It was right in front of their faces the entire time in a small box that read: “IMPORTANT EVIDENCE. DO NOT OPEN UNLESS YOU ARE ME, WINSTON PAYNE, COOLEST PROSECUTOR WHO DID IN FACT GRADUATE FROM HARVARD WITH A 4.0 GPA AND NOT ONE OF THOSE LAME COMMUNITY COLLEGES. I AM NO PLEBEIAN.” “Well… Think this is it?” Edgeworth said sarcastically. Ema gave him a funny look. He took a peek in the box, and noticed the treasures inside: A manilla folder titled: “CLASSIFIED-LES AUCHIS TERRIBLES PROJECT,” and a videotape titled: “MALL SECURITY FOOTAGE: MARCH 27TH.” Why they, in this day and age, still used tapes were beyond anyone’s comprehension. They took the contents out, and Ema slipped the evidence into her coat. Edgeworth went to the closet to see if there were any clothes, he was sick of being exposed like this. “Well… Winston has a shit fashion sense. But this will do.” He pulled out a fake Harvard hoodie (and matching sweats!) and slipped them on.
“Wait, wait! It doesn’t even say ‘Harvard’!” Ema chuckled. “It says Horvard! Clearly, printed off Redbubble.”
“Hah! Stupid idiot can’t even buy official Harvard merch! Loser!” Edgeworth laughed.
“Well… We got what we came for. Let’s go.” The two left and returned down to the living room. Klavier and Daryan were getting a little too into their performance, so they didn't hear. Ema walked up to the two and snapped her fingers. They had noticed Priscilla, on her head, had a paper bag with holes where her eyes are supposed to be. “What’s with the bag?” Ema asked.
“Oh, well… Heh. This is part of the act, y'know? Makes it easier for us to perform, since it’s, uh… So sexy on her!” Daryan said, looking as if he were about to puke.
“Yeah, it’s so we could hide her ugl- I mean, sexy face! It was just too distracting!” Klavier chuckled. Finally, without any delay, Ema asked: "You guys ready to go?” with Edgeworth following behind.
“Huh, what? It's time to go already?" Daryan asked.
"Yeah... We got it." Ema whispered to the two of them.
"Aha, good, good." Klavier said. Suddenly, without any warning, Priscilla finally noticed what was going on and ripped off the paper bag from her head and yelled: "Hey! What the hell do you three think you're doing?!" Gumshoe, Daryan, and Klavier all looked at her blankly. One of them said; "Well, uh, Mrs. Payne. Your time is actually up, we gotta go to our next client." It wasn't visible through her glasses, but Priscilla became PISSED.
"Are you saying you're leaving? Right when we're getting to the good part?!"
"Yeah… Sorry about that. We hope you enjoyed the show though!" Ema said, fake-apologetically. "Let's go, guys!" She said. Klavier, Gumshoe, and Daryan all began to walk towards the entrance of the living room to the foyer stairs, but suddenly, Klavier felt an old withered claw-like grip on his ankle. Priscilla had lunged down and grabbed it.
"Oh, you're not going anywhere, my little boy toys!" she growled.
"GAH!!!" Klavier yelled, kicking her arm away, his high heel flinging across the room, knocking over the Winston bust. "Run!!! Let's get out of here!!!" He yelled, as he kicked the other heel off to maximize running efficiency. The group began to run down the stairs.
"Shit, this bitch is crazy!" Daryan yelled.
"You're tellin' me, pal!" Gumshoe said.
"I'll go ahead and start the car!!" Edgeworth continued off them, running as fast as he could.
"Oh no you don't!!" Priscilla yelled, still on the floor. She reached between her breasts and pulled out a walkie-talkie. "Goon!!!" she yelled. "Start the car!! I need to catch my strippers!"
March 29th, 5:55 P.M.
Payne Manor
The Entrance
The four finally escaped the mansion, but the escape from Priscilla was far from over. Edgeworth slid across the hood of his scarlet Alfa Romeo GTV, and entered briskly, starting the engine with relative ease. The rest followed - Gumshoe in the front, everyone else clamoring in the back, but as they did, they noticed a blue BMW X5 M G-Power Typhoon revving up, starkly contrasting the passionate red of Edgeworth’s car. He scoffed as he began to put it in D. “A BMW?! Tasteless wench!”
“Not enough time to scoff at cars, Mr. Edgeworth! We gotta book it!” Gumshoe yelled in a panic.
“You’re right, partner! We must go! But first… Reach into the glove compartment and pull out my Initial D CD! Used only in emergencies!” Gumshoe gave a stern nod, and inserted the CD into the disc drive. Gas Gas Gas began to blast blast blast.
“Do you like… My car?!” Edgeworth yelled as he stepped on the gas (gas gas) in-sync to the song. Fire trailed from behind the car, melting the crystalline snow.
March 29th, 6:00 P.M.
The Mountain Roads
As they began to drive, the BMW followed close on their tail. “Shit, Mr. Edgeworth! They’re catching up!” Ema yelled.
“Damn, is my pomp in the way?! Can you see?!” Daryan yelled. Edgeworth was too into his song to respond.
“He’s fine, guys! He can see!” Gumshoe yelled. “I’m his mouth in this situation! Often his eyes, his nose, his ears… Anyways! Stay frosty, pals! He’s got this!” Inside the BMW, the action was just as intense.
“Goon, are you ready?!” Priscilla shrieked, snapping her head around to look at the backseat.
There, in the backseat, was Priscilla’s privately owned Goon. Standing at 6’4’’ and full of muscle. The man was bald, donned with a silk bowler hat to top it off - Black, with gunmetal grey pinstripes, it matched his suit. Also made of silk. His face was rugged and masculine. He had stubble, and a scar on his lips that he got in the old country, in 6th grade when he fell off a metal slide. He always wore his black, gothic sunglasses. And his fancy wingtip shoes. The suit, again made of silk, bore the Payne Emblem: A shield with two snakes (one for each brother) intersected; the term “6LL3” under the snakes near them. His tie-oh boy, his tie-was funky. It had a lot of monkeys on it! And bananas too. His pants were also matching with his suit and hat. A 34/34, to be exact. All in all, the man was very distinct.
“Got it, boss!” he said, in a 1930’s mobster accent. He opened the sunroof, and popped his torso out of it, and reached down, pulling up a mini-gun.
“Shit, he’s got a gun! A b-b-big one!!!” Ema shrieked, ducking her head down into Klavier’s lap, who has been very calm this entire time. He smelled like aftershave and the sakura-scented body wash she gave him as a gift for the Secret Santa exchange at the office.
Loud gun noises echoed through the mountains as Goon was firing-missing each time, but oft getting close. Just then, Running in the 90's began to play.
“Turn that shit up! It’s time to drift!” Edgeworth yelled, in the most serious tone Gumshoe had ever heard.
“D-drift?!” Daryan yelled. “Ain’t that, like… dangerous?!”
“Not for me, boy.” Edgeworth said sternly. “It’s the only way we’ll lose ‘em!” As he said this, he shifted gears and made a sick drift around the turn.
“Dammit, he’s making cool drifts! I can’t do that!” Priscilla yelled. “Keep firing, Goon! Shoot better! Just, y’know, don’t shoot them!” The Goon made a noise signaling understanding, and kept firing. They had a lot of bullets. Like, a crazy amount you wouldn’t believe. In fact, if you saw, you’d shit your pants! The drifts continued for a good minute. Nothing was changing. Priscilla Payne's BMW was chasing after them, as the shots of Goon's machine gun rained towards the tires of the Alfa Romeo GTV. Thankfully, Goon's aim was shit.
"Gummy!" Edgeworth called while making a sick drift.
"Yeah?!" Gumshoe responded.
"Grab the gun out of the glove compartment! Shoot their tires down, we practiced this!" Gumshoe looked very excited, and grabbed a small revolver from the glove compartment and began loading six shots into it. Ema and Daryan were looking back at the car.
"Hurry up, they're catching up to us!" Ema yelled.
"Yeah dude! I didn't sign up for this shit!" Daryan yelled. Klavier was just snapping his fingers, calm as a cucumber.
"Okay, pal! I'm ready!" Gumshoe said, spinning the revolver barrel and snapping it back into the gun. He opened his window and tried to get a good aim, but his massive size prevented him from getting out of the window enough. "I... Can't get out, pal!" Gumshoe grumbled.
"Fuck it then, open the door!" Edgeworth yelled. "Just get a good shot!" Inside the BMW, Priscilla began to get frustrated.
"You're not aiming good enough, Goon! Aim better! Shoot their tires, shoot their car! Whatever it takes to stop them!!! Just don't shoot my sexy hunka-lunka strippers!!!" Goon nodded, reloading his gun with a brand-new spankin' chain of shells.
"I'm working on it!!" he whined.
"Well, work harder-wait, w-what are they doing?!" Priscilla adjusted her glasses as she noticed Gumshoe emerging from the Alfa Romeo's door. He was holding a gun!
"He's got a gun, boss! What do we do now?!"
"Shit!" Priscilla hacked. Finally, Gumshoe, holding on to the inside of the car, hanging out of the opened door, took aim at the tire of Priscilla's BMW.
He pulled back the safety, and yelled, with a booming voice that echoed throughout the mountains: "Eat lead, motherfucker!!!" and unloaded the 6 shots, directly hitting the front tires, causing the BMW to swerve back and forth. Ema and Daryan cheered, Klavier was still snapping away.
"Fuck!!!" Priscilla screeched.
Gumshoe went back in the car and closed the door. "I got 'em pal! I got 'em!!!" Gumshoe boomed excitedly.
"Good job, Gummy!" Edgeworth laughed. "But... 'Eat lead, motherfucker?' What was that all about?"
"Heh, I've always wanted to say that line!" Gumshoe said, with the classic hand-behind-the-head motion. The Alfa Romeo came to a stop as everyone took a breath.
March 29th, 6:15 P.M.
Mountain Roads (Middle)
“Goon…” Priscilla grumbled, as the BMW came to a screeching halt. “Pull out… The Big Bang Bazinga Bing-Bong Bazooka! We must destroy the cliff! Or else those pieces of sexy sexy… Uh… Sexiness, will get away!
“You got it boss.” Goon said in his most serious voice yet. He exited the car, and opened the backseat, heaving out a massive bazooka. It had flames painted onto it, to show it was extreme and cool.
“Take aim at the cliff up there, and fire! The rocks look unstable - It can block their path… And they’ll have no choice to come home to mama and warm up, if ya know what I mean. You do, right Goon?” The Goon nodded quickly as he was taking aim.
“Wait, wait wait wait… What’s goin’ on back there, pal?!” Gumshoe noticed from inside the Alfa Romeo.
“Shit, he’s got a bazooka!” Daryan yelled, now ducking and burying his face into Klavier’s lap. Ema looked back.
“N-Nani?!” she shrieked-much as a bat did, searching for its fruits and bugs. Deja Vu began to play.
“Good timing… They’re going to block our path with the rocks on the cliff! We must drive, now!!!”
Edgeworth stepped on the gas, racing towards the way down the mountain road. As they got close, they could hear Goon yelling, with a booming voice rivaling Gumshoe’s: “Bazinga!” as the missile fired directly at the cliffside.
“The rocks are starting to fall!” Ema shrieked.
“We’ll never make it!!” Daryan cried. “I never got to even have sex with Klav, man! I always wanted to try it!” This finally got Klavier’s attention.
“Huh…? Wha-? What’s going on? I was thinking of a cool new song.” A small sparkle shined in Edgeworth’s left eye. A smirk tugged the corner of his mouth.
“No worries… A normal plebeian would not be able to make it out. But not I… For I know the secret technique!”
“The secret technique?! Even I don’t know this one, Pal!” Gumshoe yelled.
“It’s time for… Kansei Doriftō!”
“N-Nani?!” Ema questioned.
“You’ll see! Now!” Just as the chorus of Deja Vu began, Edgeworth made an epic drift, the car barely on the road at that point, just dodging the falling rubble.
“Nooo!!!!” Priscilla screamed, echoing throughout the mountains. She began to rip her hair out, and pounded her fists on the ground.
“Don’t worry, Master. I’ll carry you home!” Goon said, patting her on the back. She slapped his hand away.
“Don’t talk to me for five minutes! Just let me… Just let me... wallow!” She cried into the night, her strippers long gone. All that was left was Goon, and everlasting sorrow, loneliness and pain. For that was the very last they’d see of Priscilla Payne.
Unfortunately for the gang, that was not the last of their troubles. “Shit, there’s a bridge now! And it’s broken!” Someone yelled. Edgeworth reassured them: “Don’t worry! If we can survive the drift, we can survive anything! Look, it’s bent upwards! Guys, we’re gonna jump it!” (See if you can catch that one!) Edgeworth went into Maximum Overdrive, speeds far exceeding the legal limit - The very reason he took the Scarlet Alfa Romeo GTV. It was designed just for the off-chance Edgeworth gets into a chase sequence. It seemed as if time slowed down, if not for just that moment, but with the power of the Alfa Romeo GTV, they made the jump. They truly flew in the air, and landed perfectly on the ground below. The base of the mountain. The end of the struggle. The evidence was theirs, and they were free from the wretched woman that nearly trapped them in her confines.
They all exited the Alfa Romeo to take a quick breather, but sadly, Edgeworth couldn’t do much breathing - Everyone (besides Klavier) plowed their bodies onto Edgeworth giving him a big hug. “You did it, Edgeworth-Kun!” Ema squealed. “Sore wa sugokatta~!” Edgeworth didn’t know what she meant, nor did he care. Gumshoe started crying. His tears were so big.
“You d-did it, pal! This is why you’re my best friend!”
“I thought I was a goner…!” Daryan whined. “I was too young to die!” He was much more of a crybaby than he liked to admit.
“Okay, everyone. Back in the car.” Edgeworth directed. “We must view… the evidence.”
March 29th, 8:00 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
After some time, and a quick stop at Wendy’s, they finally got home. The serene neighborhoods of Blissful Oaks, Edgeworth’s suburb for rich people. The group was all donned in matching Edgeworth-brand hoodies that Gumshoe and Ema had made for the fan club. Klavier was limping from spending the whole night in high heels. All of the stripper gear (minus the car) was sitting in a pile in the corner. Mercy be to the one who has to clean up that mess. Edgeworth sat down at his desk as the others peered over his shoulder. He slowly pulled the lid off the box. There were three items inside: An ID card featuring Dr. Hotti. The Les Auchis Terribles Project files, and… The security footage from the Very Big Mall. There were also some strange, unidentifiable furs and/or hairs in the box, but they didn’t seem too important. “Well, I’ll research the files later… Let’s see what’s on the tape. Gumshoe! Get the VHS player! Why they still use this garbage in this day and age, I have no idea.”
“On it, pal!” Gumshoe lifted the VHS player, and plugged it straight into the old CRT in the corner. A familiar tune began to play-one that badgered them with horrid memories of yore. The footage was of Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium, and what was on it…
“Oh my god…” The group whispered in unison.
Chapter 28: The Resurrection
Summary:
The time has finally come: Mia Fey's resurrection is at hand. After three long days of constant channeling, the time for destiny has come. What will come of Mia's return to life? And what will her lawyering expertise add to the fight against the dreaded foes who oppose the fighters of justice; the foes who put the life of Trucy Wright on the line?
Phoenix's Side.
Chapter Text
March 29th, 3:00 P.M.
Hickfield Clinic
Room 309
“Hey. Knock knock.” Diego muttered from behind the door, gently knocking it with his knuckles.
“What?! I wasn't jerking off!” Phoenix said in a panic, as he was most definitely jerking off.
“Uh… Okay. Can I come in?” Diego asked, concerned.
“Uh… Yeah, go ahead.” Phoenix said, while desperately trying to go soft again by thinking of Sister Bikini and Wendy Oldbag. Diego opened the door with force. Phoenix sat there, trying to look very nonchalant with his hand on his cheek. “Heeeeyyyy…” he said. Diego just stared, but you couldn’t tell what expression he had on account of the visor.. “How’d the trial go?” Phoenix asked, getting more serious.
“Oh, it was shit-show. Probably the worst trial I’ve ever experienced. Two witnesses died! That’s unheard of… well, not in Puerto Rico. But anyways, somehow the kid managed to pull us through to one more day. And Edgeworth is going to get the evidence,” Diego explained.
“Sheesh,” Phoenix sighed.
Just then, Apollo burst into the room. He was a little behind because he got a juicebox from the vending machine, and a Cars sticker from a passing by nurse. “Mr. Wright!” he sobbed, lunging onto the hospital bed, crushing Phoenix under his surprising weight (Apollo is very dense, in more ways than one). Phoenix playfully rubbed his head, “Good to see you too, Apollo.”
Diego clapped his hands, “So, we ready to go? Need crutches or anything since you’re a cripple now?”
Phoenix moved back the sheet to reveal his broken foot, now encased in a cast. Apollo did the “sucking in air to signify sympathy towards pain” sound.
“Oof! That bites!” he continued. Phoenix replied; “Unfortunately, yeah. But I only need one. They said my foot shattered like glass, but it should be completely healed in a month.”
Diego was a little jealous that Phoenix could so easily recover from near-death experiences, while he still needs to take many pills for his horrible neurological poisoning. They helped him up, and escorted him to the Subaru Outback.
March 29th, 2:30 P.M.
The Roads
The two men, and Apollo were driving back up to Hazakura Temple. Phoenix was laying in the back due to foot. Apollo was very excited that he could be in the front seat. He normally enjoyed the trunk, but the front was a nice treat from time-to-time. “So… It’s tonight, huh?” Phoenix said, sounding rather serious.
“Yup…” Diego sighed, with a slight tinge of excitement. He tightened his manly grip on the wheel. “My kitten… It’s been too long… But finally, I can have her back. But… With this mask, with this face… Will she still love me?”
“I think she will!” Apollo said. “For a man, you’re smokin’! And the mask looks really cool. Like some kind of video game villain. Or Robocop! I love Robocop.” Diego was slightly comforted by this - He too, also loved Robocop. The two began to sing the Robocop theme song while Phoenix began to space out from all the Morphine they gave him in the clinic prior to being checked out.
“Whipped cream pouring like waterfalls…” Phoenix said. “Gimme Pizza…” he muttered to himself in a slow voice. The two in the front had no idea what was going on. The ride the rest of the way there was filled with very deep and philosophical questions about the meanings and themes behind Robocop. Diego truly began to feel like him and Apollo had formed a social link, a spiritual bond, if you will, through Robocop.
March 29th, 3:40 P.M.
Eagle Mountain
Hazakura Temple
Despite some traffic, and a boar who got in the middle of the road going up to the temple, the drive was rather smooth. Atop the mountains, Diego and Apollo exited the car. Diego helped Phoenix out - The drugs were finally starting to wear off. “Here already? What happened the last half hour?”
“Oh, you were totally out of it.” Diego said. “You missed some really thought-provoking conversations, but let’s not worry about that, anyways - What the fuck?!” He noticed a man standing at the front of the temple, knocking on the doors. It was… Marvin Grossberg?! Again?! He was wearing a long purple coat, with fur linings on the inside, and was topped with a golden crown, the letter “G” engraved in diamonds.
“Oh no…” Phoenix sighed. They walked (and Phoenix crutched) over to the door.
“What are you doing here, fat man?!” Diego asked, still salty from the previous experience with him.
“Ohh! Shalom!” Grossberg responded to Diego. “The… Master of this establishment gave me a call. Told me that old… What was her name? Mia Fey? Was being resurrected!”
“How did you forget her name?” Diego was obviously very angry about this.
“Ahh, I see so many women nowadays, they all just sort of blend together. Bahahaha!” he laughed to himself, his golden crown shining into Apollo’s eyeballs. It didn’t bother him, though. Apollo frequently stared at the sun and was quite used to it.
“Well, so long as you’re only here to look, and not to buy. Because she’s mine.” Diego grumbled.
“Oh hoh hoh hoh. Don’t you worry, Mr. Armando. I just want to see some ghosts and shit. And, well, my former employee too. Maybe they can bring back Hammond, too? I miss ordering that useless little meshugganah around.” It was obvious that Grossberg treated Hammond much like the Prosecutors all treated Payne.
“Can we go inside already?” Phoenix said. “We’ve been standing out here for minutes! I’m freezing my nuts off here!” he complained.
“Ahh, right, right. Keep knocking, fat boy.” Diego smacked Grossberg on one of his flaps.
“Hey, that stings!”
As soon as he did that, Bikini opened the door and ushered the boys in. “Oh, you’re here! Come in, come in! We’ve already got another guest waiting for the big event! Oh, this is so exciting! I made bean soup and corn muffins while we wait!”
March 29th, 3:50 P.M.
Hazakura Temple
Main Hall
As they walked into the main hall, they noticed who was sitting around the hearth. Donned in her classic poofy-shouldered garb, whip in hand, the familiar figure scoffed at the gang. “Looks like the fools are here…”
It was…Franziska Von Karma?!
"FRANZISKA VON KARMA?!" they all questioned. Everyone cowered in fear, expecting to feel the familiar sting of her whip.
"Yes, it is I!" she proclaimed, holding her whip high above her head. Phoenix stormed up to her the best he could, "What are you doing here?" he asked pensively. She flipped her platinum blue hair behind her ear, and smirked.
"Well, I came to see the legendary Mia Fey, alive in person. Never thought I'd see the day."
"Yo, Franzy! How's that BDSM career going?!" Larry shouted excitedly from the back of the room. Everyone turned their heads in shock back between the two.
"After receiving royalties from this bozo’s book, I finally was able to leave behind my - or should I say my father's dream of becoming a prosecutor. Now, I am happily doing hardcore dominatrix porn. Making racks on racks on racks.”
“Hey. Lady. You better not be here to get my kitten into some whippy shit. She doesn't swing like that. Don’t stick your kraut nose in our business, capice?”
Franziska scoffed and waved a gloved hand at him, snapping the whip in the other. “No, no no no… Don’t think this has anything to do with you or your little fairy-tale love story. I’m not here to shoot a scene. I still love law, as a hobby. And, you see… Mia Fey is a legend in the Defense World. I simply must see her! Now that I am given a chance? I am taking it. Simple!” She said, with her classic T-pose and bow motion.
“But… How did you even know?” Phoenix asked, confusedly.
“Oh! Simple. The fat lady over here posted on Facebook that they were reviving this Fey woman! I asked who it was, and she said it was Mia. So I flew here all the way from Borginia. Fucking Borginians smell like shit. So glad I’m out of there.”
“Borginians?!” Apollo shrieked. “Ugh, not them again! I hate those people!” Apollo formed yet another bond today, over their shared hatred of those dirty Borginians. “Wow, this is just like Persona! Who’d have thought making friends was this easy?!” Apollo jumped up and down.
“Anywhoo, let's eat some beans!” Bikini interjected. “You too, son! You’ve gotta eat and not sit in your room all day watching… Whatever you watch. Brassieres?”
“Ma…! I’m drawing for my new book!” Larry pouted. Bikini hobbled over and grabbed Larry by the ear, dragging him to the dining room.
“Growing boy’s gotta eat!”
And they all happily ate Bikini’s Beans.
March 29th, 6:30 P.M.
Hazakura Temple
Living Room
Time passed, festivities were had, conversations made, bathroom breaks taken, and Robocop watched. Phoenix finally got into the conversation, agreeing with Diego and Apollo that it was, indeed, thought-provoking. For just that moment, it seemed as if things were going right. Gone were the worries of Maya, and Trucy, and what Phoenix would have for breakfast tomorrow. And Pearl.
A gong rang out from the other side of the bridge. Bikini jumped up. “The gong of spirits! It’s time! Quickly, we must head across the bridge and into the inner chamber!” Everyone hurriedly put on thick coats, besides Phoenix. His eyes widened in fear. “B… Bridge? Wait… I gotta… I gotta cross it?” Larry gave him a ‘dude-ur-so-retarded’ look.
“Well, duh-doy! S’what bridges are for, man!”
“B… Buh… I don’t like it! I don’t wanna fall!”
“Ha…! Stop being such a pussy.” Diego said as he slung Phoenix over his shoulder, fireman style. “I’ll carry you. And I’ll bring my sword to protect us from wild boars!”
Franziska laughed, “A sword? Ach! I can hold them off with my whip!”
Diego smirked at her, “I like how you think, little lady.”
Franziska smirked. “Maybe you’d like to be on the set one day?” She winked.
“Uh… I’ll consider it,” he said. He bent over and whispered into Apollo’s ear; “Not!” Grossberg then interjected; “He’s mine first!” Bikini rushed past them, giving them the signal to follow suit.
March 29th, 6:45 P.M.
Hazakura Temple
The Inner Chamber
They had made it across the bridge, almost losing Grossberg because he was so goddamn fat and broke a board. But, they made it. Phoenix was set down once they entered the chamber. Bikini lit a torch and led them down into the depths of the cavern. There, they came into a large circular altar. Maya and Pearl were sitting perfectly still, as if in a trance-like state. With incense and other mystical herbs burning. Bikini shushed them, to let them know they had to be as quiet as possible as to not disturb the ritual. As they walked towards them, Larry whispered to Franziska; “He-hey, Franzy. Ya know I’m part Native American? Ha ha...Yeah...Wanna get in this teepee, babe?” Larry said confidently, pointing down at his pants, a clear defined bulge in the middle. Franziska flicked him in the forehead, causing him to go silent… and limp. They all sat down in conveniently-placed cushions that were on the ends of the circle. Incense and blue flames were lit throughout, with the two Feys directly in the center, save for some room. They were chanting in tongues, or maybe it was Japanese, but nobody could tell. Maybe if Ema were there, she knows this shit.
They had sat there for twenty minutes straight. Dead silence. Everyone was full of stress, anticipation, and beans. Larry whispered to Diego; “Hey… Is this thing over yet? I gotta piss-” As soon as he asked that, the blue flames grew to an amazing height, grazing the top of the cavern. They began to emanate different colors, green, black, blue, the colors of the sky. The incense began to get stronger, and pebbles began to rise into the air. It seemed as if everything was floating, including the group. Suddenly, Pearl and Maya’s eyes opened, with blinding white light echoing out, and from the center, the shape of a woman began to form.
“Holy shit…” Larry said.
“Wunderschon…” Franziska exclaimed.
“J-j-j-jumping Jehsoaphats!” Marvin gasped.
“Gee whiz!” Apollo gasped, his hands on his cheeks Home Alone style. Tears began to form into Bikini’s eyes. “Never thought I’d see the day…” she whispered.
Phoenix got up, struggling due to his foot issue, in shock. There she was, right in front of him… Mia Fey?!
“M-M-M-M-Muh-muh-m-m-m-Muh-m-m-m-muh-muh-mm-muh-m-m-m-muh-m-m-m-m-m-muh-muh-muh-muhmuh-m-m-m-m-m-mm-muh-muh-muhh-mu-mumumu-muhh-muhh-MUH-muh-mUH-muh-m-m-m...M-m-m-m-m-m-m...Muh-muh-mumumumumumumumumum-MIA?!” Diego stood up and went past Phoenix, still in catatonic shock, mumbling “Mia,” as Diego was walking up to the figure.
The initial shock had worn off... Standing in the center of the room was Mia Fey, alive. Her skin had regained its radiance that Phoenix remembered, before the fateful day he saw her turn that sickly gray. Forever burned into his memory. Diego didn't get that satisfaction of seeing her dead. If he had, that might just have been the closure he needed. To prove she was dead, to prove that nobody could have saved her, to prove that she wasn't coming back no matter how hard he tried. All odds were defied. There she stood, her youthful beauty gleaming; Reflecting a face fourteen years younger. Diego, being in the front, was the first person Mia would see after the resurrection. "Diego..." she hushed, voice cracking. She leapt out of the ceremonial circle into his arms. She fell to her knees to meet his height as he sat on the ground, as he caught her. Diego had no words to say, he held her tighter. Tighter than ever before: The first time he saw her cry, after their first argument, or even after the Fawles case when she had huddled on the floor, shaking from witnessing a suicide just ten feet from her. She felt the same, and smelled like it too. Fresh gardenia, her signature perfume; An adopted scent from her mother. There was no shame in crying anymore, a single stream of tears trickled down his face. Mia could feel them softly drip down her shoulder, she traced her fingers through his hair as comfort.
"Damn, I remember her tits were huge, but I don't remember them being that huge!" Larry shouted. “I mean, can I get a ‘Ba-doink-a-doink?!’”
Seemingly ignoring Larry’s comment (which Grossberg agreed with) Pearl and Maya dressed Mia in a white robe, and helped her get situated. Mia kept touching her face and arms, very surprised that she was in her own flesh, and not someone else's. She then twisted her upper body, resulting in a horrifying CRUNCH sound. Diego, Maya, and Phoenix were all used to this. She did it all the time when she was alive. Mia had really bad lower back pain from her massive rockin’ knockers, so she cracked her back every now and then. It sounded almost like Franziska's whip. Phoenix, still in shock, looked past Diego and Mia, who were back to embracing one another.
“M-m-m-muh-muh-m-Maya…? Is this real life…? You’re alive, right?” Phoenix asked. Maya came up to Phoenix and embraced him.
“I’m okay, Nick. I’m okay.” At the same time, Diego backed up from Mia and looked her in the face.
“Let me see you...With my own eyes.” Diego said softly to Mia. He slowly adjusted part of his mask, taking it off, eyes closed. After a deep breath, he opened his eyes.
"GAH! FUCK! I CAN'T FUCKING SEE! SHIT, THE LIGHT BURNS! FUCK!" He yelled, scrambling to put it back on. After finally adjusting it back on, he took a deep breath. "Well, fuck that then."
Mia giggled. “Easy there, Darth Vader. Don’t worry about it, champ,” and walked over to Phoenix and cupped his cheek, looking at him lovingly, and then gave him a big ol’ smack on the face. “Snap out of it, Phoenix.”
“Y-you got it… Chief?” He chuckled.
“Oh, come here you!” she yelled, giving Phoenix a big hug. “It’s only been fourteen years!” She turned to Maya and Pearl, who both ran up and gave her a big glomp.
“Mystic Mia!” Pearl squee’d, sobbing.
“Wow, look at you two! You’ve both gotten so much bigger since I last saw you two! Wait, Maya, you’re… Older than me now, right?”
“Yup! Guess I’m your big-little sister now, huh? Hahaa!” Everyone laughed with glee.
“Yippee!” Apollo chimed.
“...Well, now what?” Larry asked, who, somehow, was now empty of piss. You couldn’t tell by looking at him though. Everyone tapped their foot in unison, thinking. “Well, I think we should head back to the regular temple now, it’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra in January in here!”
March 29th, 7:20 P.M.
Hazakura Temple
Bikini escorted the entire gang back across the bridge to the temple. They once again, almost lost Grossberg, which Mia commented; “One too many bagels, Chumbo?” This was an endearing nickname she gave him back at the office.
“Ha…!” Diego chuckled. “Just like the old days, when we were naught but three wacky lawyers!” (Coming soon!)
Phoenix, of course, had no time for laughter, as the bridge was the one thing that brought him more fear than anything. They somehow all made it, and began to rest in the living chambers. Except… For one. A tiny alarm clock began to ring on Grossberg’s wrist.
“Ahh… That’s my queue! Time for my weekly asshole shaving! Gotta keep the merchandise spic and span, you know. Hoh hoh hoh. Well, it was nice to see you again… Um, M-Mika. No! Mia. Yeeeaah… And with that! I’m off!” He ran to the entrance, clearly very excited for his appointment shaking the temple with each step. Dead silence followed.
“What was he here for? Seemed kind of… unnecessary.” Maya commented. Bikini interjected; “Well… I just wanted to invite everyone! All of Mia’s friends! Besides… He was kind of a looker! Oh hoh hoh hoh!” She said with a lovey-dovey inflection in her voice. Everyone dry heaved, silently.
“So, uh… Can someone bring me up to speed on who… They are?” Mia asked, pointing at Franziska and Apollo as she sat herself down on a comfortable Zabuton.
“Oh!” Phoenix said. “Well, the boy in red here is-”
“I’m Apollo!” Apollo interrupted. “I’m Mr. Wright’s second-in-command-right-hand-man! And I’m fine!”
“Oh! So you got another colleague, that’s great for you, Phoenix!” Mia smiled caringly. She thought he was kinda cute, like a kid on halloween night.
“Well, I had a third one too, but she… She had a bit of a… Problem.” Phoenix muttered.
“She smelled like fish!” Apollo stated. “It was really bad! And she’d never shut the fuck up about the Office! And Friends!” He continued with a great smile on his face.
“Oh, I fucking hate Friends…” Mia grunted. “Glad she’s out of there, stupid bitch. And… The other woman?” she gestured. Franziska strutted up to the center of the room.
“I am legendary international prosecutor AND legendary international dominatrix Franziska Von Karma! Yes, related to Manfred Von Karma! And Edgeworth… Miles Edgeworth. But only legally, I don’t share that heathen’s blood.”
“Oh, Von Karma, huh? You… Certainly share the same, uh… How should I put it? Aura as your father. Never faced him in court, but sheesh... Thank God for that!”
“But I did!” Phoenix said proudly. “And I won!”
“Yes, we know…” Franziska said grumpily. “Well, anyways… I just wanted to come see you. T’was a pleasure, but I do have to run, much like the fat Jewish fellow over there… I also have an appointment. Auf Wiedersehen, fools and Mia Fey.” And with that, she left the building with style and grace (But, she doesn’t have a funny face).
“Damn, you’re a very busy bunch,” Mia commented. “So many new people I’ve missed out on! Well, I did die at the beginning of the franchise, so… Gosh, wonder what technology is like now. Too scared to ask!” she said.
“Oh, don’t even worry about it! Basically nothing has changed in this in-canon universe since the ol’ Gameboy Advance days! Well, besides the Pussy Pulverizer… That’s up to 5000 now,” Maya reassured.
“Whoa, 5000?!” Mia gasped. “They were still in triple digits back in my day! Never had one though, but I’d always read about them…” she turned to Diego, staring.
“What?” he shrugged.
“You didn’t throw away my Magic Wand, did you? I’d be pissed if you did,” Mia glared.
He shook his head, “Well of course! I preserved it for you.” Mia smiled, she was looking forward to that bad boy. Finally, after minutes of silence due to exhaustion, Pearl shot up from lying down, full of energy once more.
“I just remembered!” She squee’d. “I need to tell you this! Mystic Mia, guess what?! Phoenix and Mystic Maya are dating!” Pearl shouted with glee. Mia snapped her head 180 degrees toward Phoenix. Even though Maya was technically older than Mia, she still considered her her little sister. She slowly prowled over toward Phoenix, and placed her sharp talons on his shoulders. She slowly rose her head up to meet his gaze. Her eyes were completely white somehow. "Did... you.. cum.. in her?" Phoenix nearly shit himself - And that wouldn’t be good with his crutches! Or, at all, but... He had never seen Mia this angry, and now that she was alive, she could enact physical vengeance on him.
Pearl piped up, "I don't see why you’re so mad, Mystic Mia. Sex is a beautiful thing between two people who love eachother! Impregnation is an art that produces a beautiful miracle to the world! You and Mr. Armando must understand! Mystic Maya must have felt the same way. When Mr. Nick flooded her womb for the first time, the warmth and connectedness with another surely filled her with joy and cu-" Mia cut her off by pounding her fist on the table. Everyone mentioned in Pearl's little tale was blushing the darkest they ever had before. Mia had purple anime lines on the back of her head.
As Maya and Phoenix were both dying internally, Mia got up and stretched. “Man! I’m thirsty!” She yelled. Diego did a subtle fist-pump and whispered “Yesss!” to himself. Despite this, everyone heard.
“No silly, not like that. I want some water! Three ice cubes, just how I like it!” This of course, was a stark contrast to the four that Maya was fond of. Bikini motioned towards the newly-installed Temple Fridge. “It’s full of mountain ice!” She said. Mia went over to the newly-installed Temple Fridge, and got herself a glass of water. She stared at it.
“...Shit.” She muttered.
“What’s wrong?” Diego asked.
“...Well, uh. I forgot what this shit tasted like. Do I just… Go for it?” Everyone nodded.
“...Yeah, it’s water.” Maya said.
“Oh yeah! It’s not supposed to taste like anything, right?!”
“Yup.” Maya nodded.
“Okay… Here goes…” She took a tiny sip and spat it out. “Whoa! The fuck is this shit?! Why’s it taste like… Minerals? And dirt?”
“Oh! I just dig it from the well!” Bikini laughed. “It’s good for you!”
Mia set the cup down. “...I think I’ll be fine. I’ll just drink some milk or something later…” Diego, once again, did a tiny fist-pump and whispered; “Yesss!” to himself. He was very excited because Mia had nearly forgotten what everything was like, even something as basic as water. To him, this opened up many new prospects in the bedroom. And he was very horny, it was evident. Suddenly, Phoenix’s phone rang, the familiar Steel-Samurai! Tone echoing once more through the room.
“Ahh, how long’s it been since I’ve heard that sweet, sweet sound?” Maya sighed, blissfully. It had only been three days, but to Maya? It felt like at least four.
“Hold on, I gotta get this.” Phoenix said, going into the next room.
CALL LOG: MARCH 29th, 8:30 P.M.
Yello!
Wright? Wright?! Is that you? Can you hear me? It’s me, Miles Edgeworth! You know, your best friend!
Yes, I can hear you. What’s up?
...I had a long day. It was very long. I am extremely tired, I don’t feel like driving, but! I have evidence. And four very tired underlings, who are all huddled up on my bed right now. And, well, because I’ve nothing to do right now, I think I may take a drive up to the temple, and discuss the case with you.
Good timing! See, Mia’s back. So we gotta fill her in after all.
(Yesss!), Heard from Diego in the background
What in blazes was that?
Ignore that, he’s… Eager.
Ahh, okay. Well! I can come up then, yes?
Yeah. As soon as you can.
Alright, Wright. Be there in a bit.
Alright bye.
Bye.
Yup.
Later.
Okay.
See you then.
Yup.
Be there soon.
Cool.
Okay, you hang up first.
No, you hang up first!
Ohhh, a tough guy, hmm? I say… You hang up first!
Fine, fine… I will. Bye.
Bye.
-END CALL LOG-
Phoenix returned to the central room, where Mia was chillin’, maxin’, and even-You guessed it- relaxin’ all cool. “Well, you sure took your sweet time!” Mia joked.
“Yeah, yeah, I know… We always have a hard time hanging up!” Phoenix stated. Maya was a little jealous he never did that with her, but deep down, she understood that a bond between two bros is a bond like no other. “Well… We have a lot to tell you, Mia…” Phoenix began.
“About…?” Mia responded.
“Well, I have a request for you. But first, let me tell you what happened before Edgeworth gets here. Get comfy, everyone. It’s a doozy.” Although everyone else pretty much knew the story.
“It all started just a few days ago. See, I have a daughter-” Mia gasped.
“A, d-daughter?! Oh…” Her brow furrowed. “You… Did you… With Maya…?” She asked, her rage seemingly re-building from moments prior.
“Oh, n-no no no! It’s nothing like that! See, Mia! Trucy is my daughter, I adopted her!" Phoenix exclaimed proudly. He had to clarify he adopted Trucy or Mia would go ape-shit. Phoenix whipped out his locket, showing the picture of her to Mia.
"Oh, I see. Well, she is quite the cutie!" Mia said while looking at it. "I probably could have figured it out on my own, though, that you’re a father now. I mean, look at how much weight you've gained since I last saw you. You really have a dad-bod!" Mia laughed to herself. She then proceeded to poke Phoenix's tummy and imitate the Pillsbury Dough Boy laugh. Simply put, this pierced Phoenix’s soul. But he shook it off… for now.
“Anyways... Here’s the gist. A few days ago, she got arrested. Falsely, at the mall. Accused of killing this security guard. And we all know who actually did it, I mean, it’s obvious. Winston and Gapsen Payne.”
Mia gasped. “Payne?! He had a brother?!”
“Yeah… And they look nearly identical.” Phoenix responded.
“Ugh, oh, god... Ew… Do they still have that butt-ugly haircut?” Everyone nodded, solemnly.
“Actually… It’s even worse now.” Apollo interjected. Mia dry-heaved. This was a normal physical response the Paynes had on others.
“Yeah… Anyways. So, we’ve had a few trials. Some tribulations, but… The reason we resurrected you so quickly, was, first off, to bring you back. But second off… To ask for your help.” Mia placed her hand on her chest.
“M-me…? But I’m 16 years out of experience! You couldn’t possibly think I’d be of any help-”
“Objection!” Phoenix yelled. Maya beamed. “The big O!” She whispered to Pearl, who squee’d at the sight and hearing of it.
“Mia… Regardless of how long you’ve been out of work… You’re still an Attorney. An Ace Attorney. One of the best I’ve ever known! Besides… I was a jobless piano player for eight years, I’d say. I’ll tell you about that later. But I still had it after all that time. Anyways-”
“Will you help us?!” Apollo pleaded, on his knees. “Oh, please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh p-” Mia put one finger against his lip, gently “Shhhh”-ing him.
“Dammit, to think I just got revived from the dead after fourteen years, and this is what I get introduced to? Shit, man… But, Phoenix…I may be a bit weak, and a bit tired, and man, could I go for some real fucking water right now, but... Of course I will. I’m sure Diego still has my badge, anyways. Right, honey?” Diego nodded, as he whipped it out of his secret vest pocket.
“Ha…! Hell yeah, girlfriend. Always keep it on me. For good luck!” He lovingly handed it to her, and as he walked back to his corner, where he stood to look cool, he tripped and fell.
“Shit! My good luck’s run out!” Everyone chuckled at his silliness.
Phoenix and Apollo then filled Mia on what happened in the days of the trials. The witnesses, the revelations made, and the absurdity of it all, Paynes included. Even how Larry broke Phoenix’s foot too, which, conveniently, Larry had left the room by then. “Damn. Sounds like a real shitshow.” Mia snarked.
“Yeah… We’re all a bit tired. But now you feel like you’re caught up?” Phoenix asked. Mia nodded, making an “uh!” noise, like an anime woman in agreement.
“Good. Because Edgeworth is also coming over to fill us all in on what he found-”
Just then, Miles burst in, playing Great Revival ~ Miles Edgeworth on his phone. He was covered in snow, and his little nose was red, like the Puffs kid on that commercial you see every Christmas. “Damn… Anymore snow and I’d be like the snowman in a Campbell’s Soup commercial! It’s not even Christmas…” he shuddered.
“Miles Edgeworth. We meet again. How long’s it been…” Mia said, hands on her hips.
“Seventeen years. Back when that Fawles man drank some poison, or something,” Edgeworth said, going up to Phoenix, as they did their secret bro handshake. He handed him the box of evidence. “I went through thick and thin to get this… Many things happened in my quest. I had to dress up like a car, we were strippers for a moment… We even had a really cool car chase! I’ll have to tell you over coffee or something.”
“Did somebody say coffee?!” Diego said, arms out. “Remember that? Back in the early parts of the story? It was funny when I said that and you all thought it was the wind… Ha…! Get pranked.” He laughed to himself.
Edgeworth ignored this. “Well… Okay. Just open the box.” he said, pointing a gloved finger at it.
Phoenix opened the box. In it, was a large manilla folder, a video tape, and some weird hairs. Nobody knew what the hairs were. “Nobody knows what the weird hairs are.” Edgeworth said. “And I don’t care to get it tested, unless need be. We should hold onto it, just in case.” Everyone gathered around the box. “First off, this videotape has some… Interesting footage on it. It literally shows Mike Meekins being murdered. Unfortunately… It’s not quite clear who is murdering him. I mean, we all know it’s Payne. It’s obvious. But, how do we prove it? Therein lies the question. Now, the other piece of evidence… The Les Auchis Terribles project.”
“Oh, I can’t pronounce that!” Apollo said, but nobody cared.
“Les Auchis Terribles…” Mia said. “Wait… It can’t be. No way. Could it be…?!” Everyone turned their heads towards her.
“What, what are you saying?” Edgeworth inquired. “You know about this?! How?!” He demanded.
“I… I only know of the rumors. But, I knew a detective who was investigating a potential lead to a rumored project, but I had no idea it was real…! Oh god, name, name… He looked kinda like… A dog? I dunno, he was really into dogs and philosophy. And he had a hot assistant too.”
Edgeworth gasped. “Sh-Shi Long Lang?! My rival?!”
Mia snapped her fingers. “Yeah! That’s the guy. I didn’t talk to him much, because he was… Too into dogs, y’know? But yeah… Interpol had some interest in it, but they threw it out after there were no leads. But… To think… It was the Paynes who were the result of this… Is that what the report says?”
“Indeed. I read it myself, on the way here. There was a lot of scientific bullshit, and we have much to discuss, but… The gist of it? It has a clear motive for murder. Not just Meekins, but their ‘father’ as well…”
The night continued full of discussion and planning. It was very boring stuff that you, loyal readers, would not care much about. However, all of the people in the room, barring Sister Bikini, were in on it. Larry wasn’t there either, he left without anyone noticing. Probably to do… God knows what. Mia, finally brought up to speed on the case, was ready. Phoenix, also brought up to speed on the case, due to him missing quite a bit, was also now ready. And Apollo? He was always ready. The Final Trial awaited them the next day. Their destiny, and Trucy’s also awaited. Tomorrow, the final day of the Trial of Trucy Wright for the Murder of Mike Meekins. What did the Paynes have to hide? What did their past entail? What does the footage reveal? What does the file reveal? Is there any purpose to the strange hairs? And again, what the fuck is wrong with Apollo? Most of these will be revealed… Not all of them, we can’t make any promises, but a lot of them will… Most, surely…
March 30th, 1:00 AM
Hazakura Temple
The Cliffs
It was late, late at night. Very late, like, really late. They should have been in bed at this point. And everyone was… Except for two. Edgeworth had left some time ago. Phoenix stood at the cliffside looking out at the distance. His scarf blew in the wind, and it looked very cool. He couldn’t think about anything besides the trial that was in mere hours. He was so worried about Trucy, in jail, alone… What would happen if they failed? Would he be able to live with himself? It was too much to think about.
“Hey, stranger.” the voice of a woman echoed from behind him. Phoenix’s hairs stood on end in shock, as he whipped around.
“Who-?! A ghost!? Oh, no, Mia.”
“I’m not a ghost anymore!” Mia winked, wagging her finger. She walked up besides Phoenix and put her hand on his shoulder. “Can’t sleep either, huh? You seem tense.” Phoenix looked over at her.
“Ya think?” He said, shrugging.
“Well, it makes sense. Trucy is your daughter after all. There’s a lot riding on this.”
“Yeah… I can’t stop thinking about it.” he said, his scarf still blowing in the wind, looking just as cool, because scarves are cool, especially when they blow in the wind or flow somehow, such as during a battle scene in an anime where the character wears a scarf, and they make an attack. Or, to hide their secret birthmark that actually shows that they are the heir to a powerful power. Or, when you’re a thief, because oftentimes thieves in anime and whatnot also wear scarves. And also, in 1940’s to 50’s cartoons, thieves wear them too. And another thing, it kept his neck warm. Practical and stylish, and cool! (epic)
“Phoenix… Listen. We can do it. You can do it. And I’m going to be with you on that stand every step of the way. You can count on me, Phoenix.” She smiled, proudly.
“Y-you really mean it?” He said, tears welling up in his ducts.
“Yes. Of course I do. Now… How’s about we go back inside where it’s warm, huh? Get some rest. My tits are freezing!” She chuckled. The colleagues, and friends made their way back inside the warm temple. The darkness of the next day looming over their heads, Phoenix sat on a chair in the room he and Maya were sharing. Maya was hugging a pillow Phoenix placed in her arms to replicate himself. That Maya was always a cuddler! Phoenix looked over at the desk, and over at the Les Auchis Terribles files. As he wasn’t tired yet, he began to open it up, a small lantern lit next to it.
Chapter 29: The Payneful Past
Summary:
In the dead of a restless night, Phoenix reviews the Les Auchis Terribles project.
Chapter Text
March 30th, 1:30 A.M.
Hazakura Temple
Guest Room
Phoenix looked at the folder, flipping through the pages. There he saw the logs that were updated each day throughout the Les Auchis Terribles project. “Let’s see what’s in here. Perhaps… There will be some important information we missed,” he said, flipping through the pages.
Log Entry: September 3rd, 1963
The name is Gaylord “Snookums” Brushel. I am one of the lead scientists in the joint effort between America and Japan to create the ultimate prosecutor in prosecutorial law. We have found a potential subject to donate his genes: a man named Daisuke Auchi. Otherwise known as “Big Bouchu.” He is the son of the ever-famous prosecutor “Ta-ket-su-chi Auchi,” however the hell you dun pronunciate it, who, honestly isn’t very good of a prosecutor. But his son sure is! This log will keep record of the experiment. If, in the case everything hits the fan and it becomes important evidence one day for a murder, I am writing my experiences working on the project: Les Auchis Terribles. From here on out, I will refer to myself as “Snookums.” Best of luck be to us all, for the great countries of American and Japan. The insemination begins in January.
-Snookums
Log Entry: September 3rd, 1964
The experimental child has been born. On this day, the 3rd of September 1964. The child, filled with the dominant genes of Big Bouchu - Daisuke Auchi. We named the child… Takefumi Auchi. He’s a pretty cute baby, though, I’ll give ‘em that. We are optimistic that this child can be molded with the strong genes of his father and the brilliant minds of the scientists here, who will teach the child everything he needs to know about law, and to create… The ultimate prosecutor.
-Snookums
Log Entry: September 3rd, 1968
Today celebrates Takefumi’s fourth birthday. I feel kinda bad for the young’un, because he’s never been outside. Never seen anything besides them these there grey walls of the lab. However, the experiment is going well so far. The child’s IQ is that of an 8 year old! Despite being merely four years of age. Things are looking bright for young Takefumi. However… He seems to be lonely. Which I can understand, he’s the only child in a lab full of adults… And one animal. And the monkey gets a little… Too rough with him. That ain’t in my field, though. More updates to come.
-Snookums
September 7th, 1971
Although the child’s been developing well, his loneliness persists. The government agencies funding this program have seen the success of our project so far, and have approved, at the request of myself I should add, a brother for the young boy. Ayup, I feel like a father to him. And on this birthday, I let him know. He was just so happy! And it seems this past week he’s been even more enthusiastic-he’s been making more progress than usual. I can only see this addition of a brother being solely beneficial to our program.
-Snookums
November 13th, 1972
The second child has been born. Fumitake Auchi, we named him. Kinda clever, ain’t it? We switched “Take” and “Fumi” and then… Boom. New name. I think it’s funny. So do the Japanese folks! It’s a real hoot. Takefumi was just overjoyed at seeing his new baby brother. Finally, someone besides me to keep the poor kid company. And the monkey, but he’s not very good at watchin’ over children yet, let alone be smart. Ayup, we’re trying to make a monkey into a weapon. How funny! It’s a riot. I dunno who funded that one, and I don’t think it’ll go well. Alright. Anyways, we remain optimistic about the future of the Les Auchis Terribles Project…
-Snookums
December 25th, 1976
For Christmas, I let the boys run free for a bit. It was the first time either of them had ever seen the sun. And snow. Although, we plan on introducin’ them into the world more and more gradually, as they lack in social skills. And presence. However, our main priority is to enrich their little brains with Prosecutorial Power. Merry Christmas.
-Snookums.
January 1st, 1980
Another decade begins, and with it, our prosecutors are gettin’ older. Lots of things are popular now. Thank god disco’s dead. Anyways, Takefumi has started becoming angsty, as teenagers do. He’s in them years. He’s really mad that we’re shippin’ him out to America once he hits 20. And that we’re also changin’ his name to Winston Payne. Our scientists programmed a random name generator from our super advanced supercomputer. We came up with it, and I think it sounds alright. The boy, however, is excited to get his badge in merely four years. He knows just about all the laws at this point! He’s a smart cookie. We remain optimistic.
-Snookums
September 3rd, 1984
Finally, the day has come. Winston “Takefumi Auchi” Payne has received his Prosecutor’s Badge. I ain’t never dun’ seen that boy so happy in all my days. Makes me wish I had kids. Maybe someday… I’d like two boys. Already got names picked out for ‘em, right from our supercomputer. Spark n’ Ben. Ahh, yes. If only someone loved me. If only I had a woman to hold at night. I ain’t never had a girlfriend. But just goes to show, nice guys finish last, and all the girls only go for the jocks, instead o’ smart scientist boys… When I was in High School back in the 30’s, nobody loved me! And even now, nobody does still. But anyways, I’m gettin’ on in the years. I can still shoot them babies out though! Heh heh. Anyways, we’re sending Winston out to his first case on the big trip tomorrow! Gonna be his first time in America. Best country on the goddamn planet! We’re so excited, and it looks like everything is going alright. We remain optimistic.
-Snookums.
September 4th, 1984
Fuck.
-Snookums
September 6th, 1984
Something awful has happened. Winston has aged nearly 20 years in the span of a few days! I dunno how this could’a happened. We didn’t clone him in one of that them there clonin’ machines. He was born like any regular ol’ baby! Right out the puss! Ayup. Maybe it was all them there experiments. Experimental drugs, not seein’ the sun for literal years. Feeding him knowledge. We weren’t very good parents, I suspect. I fear for young Fumitake, who from now on will be known as Gaspen Payne. Winston has locked himself in his room for days and refuses to come out. He’s been rapidly balding too, and requires the thickest glasses imaginable. I mean… How could this have happened? Where did we go wrong? We remain hopeful Gaspen doesn’t share the same fate…
-Snookums
November 17th, 1985
It’s been over a year now. Winston hasn’t gotten better, and shows no signs of doing so. Hopefully his prowess as a lawyer can overshadow his disgusting features. Gaspen however, is going at the normal pace. He’s becoming angsty too, as them teens do. He has a worse attitude than his brother, and I might see him becomin’ one of them there masterminds someday and performin’ some elaborate murder. He keeps callin’ me names like… Fatass. Or Faggot. Or Fuckin’ ugly. He really likes the F’s right now, maybe next year he’s gonna go into the G’s. Anyways, on a lighter note, I met this cute girl named Hifumi. She’s Japanese (if you couldn’t tell). And we’re in love! Maybe my dream of havin’ real kids is gonna come true after all… I know I said I saw these kids as my own, but they’re kinda becoming a horrible failed experiment. Worst investment I ever dun’ seen.
-Snookums
June 12th, 1986
1986, it’s a good year. Have y'all heard that song Your Love by the Outfield? I mean, damn. That’s one of the best damn dun’ songs I ever dun heard. I love when he goes “You know I like my girls a little bit older.” I do too, even though Hifumi is younger than me by about 30 years. Anyways, I think that band will have continued success throughout the years, and have many more successes and billboard chart-toppin’ hits. Ayup, that definitely won’t be the only song they’re known for. Ever. My first son was born. His name is Benjamin Brushel. Kinda doesn’t have a chin, but I still love him anyways. Anyways. Winston ain’t gotten any better lookin’, but we sent him off to America again to test his skills. He’s… Rather mediocre as a prosecutor. Not that good. He’s a disappointment. I dunno why we didn’t choose the genes of someone like Manfred Von Karma. Now that man, hooo-wee. That man is a stud, and a good prosecutor. Now if I wasn’t married to Hifumi… Woof. It’s a shame that Winston is only moderately okay as a lawyer, but… I got nothin’ to add, time to drink a celebratory beer and listen to Your Love on repeat on my new 8-track player over my first son.
-Snookums
September 1st, 1990
Another new decade, and even more developments. Madonna’s started lookin’ like Marilyn Monroe all of a sudden. I don’t quite get it. I liked when she had that funny hat. That was funny. Good for Gaspen-he finally got his badge, and he still looks normal. I’m so proud of the kid, it’s a good sign. And second of all, I had my second son. His name is Spark. Spark Brushel. He also doesn’t have a chin, but boy does he have the cutest little nose. It’s pretty rosy. He also… Blinks from the lower eyelids, which is a bit weird, but I still love him. Winston is still doin’ his job moderately okay. Not great, not bad. He lacks presence though, sometimes the judge don’t even see that he’s there apparently! But Gaspen… Ayup, he’s a fighter. Time to have two beers for my success in havin’ another kid, and Gaspen gettin’ his badge. I’m gonna listen to U Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer. Now that… That’s a good song. Really the future of that them there rap music. I like his pants. They’re funny. This beer is pretty tasty. Them there Japanese folks make the best beer on Earth. All this really makes me proud to be an American. Hell yeah. God bless America. We remain optimistic once more.
-Snookums
September 2nd, 1990
Fuck. Again.
-Snookums
September 10th, 1990
Looks like the same shit that happened to Winston… Happened to Gapsen. Winston heard the news damn near instantaneously and flew back the first chance he had. However, we’ve decided that we’re going to try and fix the two. As sad as Winston was to stop havin’ to prosecute, and as sad as Gaspen was that he couldn’t prosecute, well… the government was pissed. I wanted to give up at this point, raise my boys. But they said “Fix ‘em.” So… Here we go. They’re gonna have to stay in this deep dark lab some more. How unfortunate, I rather wanted to retire.
-Snookums
April 28th, 1994
1994, and appropriately, music’s gotten pretty sad these days. Grungey, and whatnot. And now there’s some of them there boy bands. Like Boyz II Men. I like Boyz II Men. Four years of our de-aging experiments have failed. I had to permanently move my residence over here in this there lab, so the boys are interacting with the Paynes. They keep callin’ them names. Like… Stupid. And Smelly. I didn’t raise ‘em to be like that, but here we are. Every day, they’re bullying them! And it seems… The two are startin’ to get angsty. I mean, it is kinda funny though, I must admit. However, we do find it concernin’ that the Paynes are startin’ to vow revenge against me and my boys. And… What really worries me. The monkey is gettin’ smart. Too smart for a monkey. I know he’s supposed to be a super smart monkey designed for weaponry, what with the super strength and the super mind and all. And I’m surprised he’s not aged well… I hope he doesn’t last too long, lest there be any monkey business. Heh. That was funny. Just like the idea that NSYNC is better than Boyz II Men. I mean, who the fuck even thinks that?! Fuck. Time to go drink another beer.
-Snookums
June 30th, 1994
It’s official. The government is calling off the project. Lettin’ them go. I spent three decades on this shit with nothin’ to show for it but two old lookin’ thirty year olds and a monkey who ain’t in my branch. We’re going to pack up soon. The Paynes seem excited to be released in the wild, but… It seems as if they’re not very happy with us. They keep vowing revenge on me and my boys! Why, I just thought it was a joke at first but I’m not too sure. And… They keep spendin’ time with that monkey. I see dangerous things in the future.
-Snookums
July 4th, 1994
Everything is terrible. There was a horrible riot in the laboratory yesterday. Luckily I went unscathed and was able to get my family out of there too… But nearly the rest of them? All dead. The Paynes are MIA, along with that damn monkey, and a secret project that even I don’t know about. It seems the government already knows about what happened, but there ain’t much they can do. They’re tryin’ to keep this all under wraps, and they don’t even care about the Paynes no more. They assume the Monkey is dead, but I ain’t too sure. I hope so. And I hope the Paynes get to live the life they deserve. Maybe the sun and the city will make ‘em less spiteful… I can only hope. For now, I’m going back to the country. Gonna raise my kids right with Hifumi. If any more updates come, I’ll write ‘em in this log. God bless America.
-Snookums
January 5th, 1995
It’s been some time, but the Paynes are confirmed alive. They’re prosecutin’, and they just so happen to live in the same city I do. Crazy coincidence. I hope they don’t track me down or nothin’... I’m gettin’ on in the years, and I want all the time with my boys that I can. Well, Spark loves writin’. And Ben? He likes playin’ with dolls. Kinda weird, if you ask me. Poof, I assume. I’m tryin’ to straighten him out, if you know what I mean, but it ain’t working too well. I’m keepin’ these files to myself, keepin’ ‘em safe. There’s not much else I should add, but if the Paynes ever do somethin’ drastic to me… Or to anyone else, god forbid my boys, let this be the evidence that we need. I kept the folder of all the scientific record majiggers, so I’ll add these logs into there too. I fear that monkey might be relevant again, but… There’s no reason he should be alive anymore, even if he did escape. Let this failure of an experiment be a lesson to all: Don’t stick your hand in God’s cookie jar. You’ll only get shit like this. God bless America. God bless our troops. And God bless… Those two poor boys. Winston, Gaspen. If you ever see this. I’m sorry. I really am.
-Gaylord “Snookums” Brushel
March 30th, 4:00 A.M.
Hazakura Temple
Guest Room
Phoenix closed the folder. “Holy shit.” he whispered to himself. “These logs… These are important. I had no idea that crusty old pervert had so much to say, and used to be a brilliant scientist…” he said to himself. He looked at his watch, noting the time: 4:00 in the morning. A mere seven hours remained until they had to be at court. “I better get some sleep…” Phoenix said. “Hopefully some of Diego’s special Godot Blend #109: Special Caffeine Blaster Edition gives me the energy I need… Never realized it was so late.” Phoenix grabbed the locket sitting on the desk, and opened it up, looking at it. Inside, a picture of his beautiful daughter. “Trucy… I’ll get you out of there. I’ll save you. I promise.” Phoenix said, closing it, and climbing back into bed, where Maya slept soundly. Tomorrow was the final day of the Trial of Trucy Wright. What will happen then? What will be revealed? Who will win? And will Trucy be freed from the cold, dark, iron shackles of prison? Only time will tell…
Chapter 30: The Trials of Trucy Wright: Day Three: Trial Former
Summary:
The first part of the final day of Trucy's trial. The proceedings begin - But what do the Paynes have in store for our heroes?
Chapter Text
March 30th, 8:00 A.M.
Hazakura Temple
Phoenix awoke from his restless slumber. He slid under Maya’s arm, so not to awake her, and then tip-toed out into the main chamber, where Diego and Mia too, were up, a fresh pot of Godot Blend #152: Special Pre-Trial Edition was brewing. Mia had some dark bags under her eyes - Phoenix could tell she had barely gotten any sleep. He related to this, as he too had not slept, as stated prior in this paragraph.
“Mornin’ Sunshine…!” Diego quipped with an air of sass. Phoenix was having none of that today. And even Mia, who usually laughed at all of Diego’s funnies could not even bring a small smile - Nay a chuckle, to the corners of mouth.
“Well… Today’s the day.” Mia sighed. “You ready, champ?” she asked.
“I… I don’t know…” Phoenix said, rubbing his eyes and forehead in various ways. Diego poured the two of them each cups of coffee.
“Ha…! Well it’s just like my old man used to say - If you weren’t born ready, fuck off!” The two blinked silently as they both took sips of their coffee. All of a sudden, another door slid open.
“Goooooooood morning everyone!” Apollo cheered, already dressed in his famous red suit of lawyering. “Today is the day! I’m so excited!” He then busted into tears. “And scared!! Poor Trucy! What will happen to my ha… half… half si… friend!?” It almost seemed as if, in his tears he was beginning to realize that Trucy was indeed his half-sister, but it didn’t seem to stick.
“There there, buddy! It’ll be all good!” said an unidentified voice patting Apollo on the back. In Apollo’s mind, he had imagined it was someone such as Gooby, or JFK, patting him on the back from the heavens above. But in reality, it was just Larry.
“No! Not you!” Phoenix yelled, pointing. “We both remember what happened the last time you came in here before a trial!” he said, looking down at his foot, bound by the cast. Larry shrugged, arms out.
“Come on, Nick. Still mad about that? I told you to catch… Mulatto. But, anyways… Can’t wait to see some bloodshed! Promise I’ll stay out of trouble.” He said, giving a thumbs-up, as his face began to sweat. This always happens, as it is coded into his animation. Even if he isn’t that hot, he still produces sweat.
“Ahh, everyone’s up I see!” Pearl yelled, out of nowhere. She too, was now part of this morning time gathering. “How about I make some pre-trial pancakes!? They’re gavel shaped! And just for you, Mr. Nick! One shaped like the Judge!”
Phoenix, finally, with his spirits (Of Justice) being uplifted by the prospect of Pearl’s positively pleasant promise of pre-trial pancakes, managed to let out a hearty chuckle. “Hah, thanks Pearls.” Pearl then began to whip up some pancakes for all, as the rest of the gang was sipping on that brew. So much so, that Diego had to make two more pots (Maybe even three!). Bikini had entered the room as well, though she was just happily sipping on tea for the time being. Finally, there was Maya - That Maya always was a heavy sleeper.
“Ahh… Morning already? I noticed Nick’s sexy pecs weren’t in my grasp, so that jolted me right up. Haha! I’m so scared to sleep alone after all the trauma I’ve been through in life!” She giggled. Everyone else thought this was funny, too.
After some time, Pearl gave everyone the pancakes they had waited for oh-so longingly. They all ate, ate, and ate some more. Bikini did not say a word, as she was busy shoving pancakes into her pie-hole. She made noises that no normal human should make. They were equivalent to the sound of a hog - A true beast of a pig, at a slop party. Anyways, after this delicious and sexy breakfast, the group all sat down to watch an episode of Little House on the Prairie. Except for Phoenix and Mia, who were deliberating on the case at hand. They both hated that show, anyways.
After even more time, the group began to get ready. They took showers using the gross mountain water that Bikini fished out of the well, but the minerals did provide for a good cleanse. Everyone dressed up, though tension had filled the temple with a tumultuous tension. The halls were silent, even Apollo, and somehow Larry had begun to feel the pressure setting in. Silence. Silence as the group began to dress in formal wear. Maya even whipped out the purple suit she had been saving for this very occasion. It was a very cool suit - You’d like it if you saw it. And Phoenix thought it was hubba hubba sexy woo woo. He had a thing for girls in suits. Anyways. It was time, time for the adventure in the Subaru Outback.
“You all ready…? Time to go, everyone.” Diego said, unlocking the car doors with his electronic key fob. Apollo dashed for the trunk and crawled in. However, due to Larry, the car was very cramped. Diego, hating his presence and every single second he was alive, shoved Larry in the trunk with Apollo. It was a bit cramped, but thankfully, due to the power of the Subaru Outback; anything is possible. As the saying goes: Love. It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.
The whole time, Larry and Apollo played Rock-Paper-Scissors in the trunk, betting pennies, dimes, and quarters abound. But Larry was such a dumbass that he lost every single time, even though Apollo always had the same pattern of Rock-Scissors-Rock-Scissors. He never does paper, but Larry just couldn’t catch on. Another interesting happenstance was that this time, Phoenix had to sit in the middle - Between Maya, and Mia this time - As her and Phoenix continued to mull over the case files, needing every bit of information as they could get. Maya gave Phoenix a nice shoulder rub to ease the tension.
“It’ll be okay, Nick. You’re an… Ace Attorney after all. You’ve never lost once… Well, maybe a few times… One time even to Apollo, now that’s funny. But… Otherwise, you’re perfect at your job!”
“Gee, thanks, Maya…” Phoenix said, not feeling very comforted by her words.
“It’s okay, Mr. Nick! I believe in you! Believe in yourself, even when nobody else does! Except now, because I believe in you!” Pearl squee’d. “You got this!”
“Thanks guys, I really… I really do appreciate it.” Phoenix smiled.
“Ha…! Just know, you’ll never be worse a defense attorney as I was a prosecutor. Haha!” Diego laughed, taking a sip from his “WORLD’S WORST PROSECUTOR” thermos. This was funny, because he really was an abject failure of a prosecutor. The car ride continued, though tensions were high as ever.
March 30th, 11:00 A.M.
District Court
Lobby
Finally, they arrived at the Courtroom of Fate. They entered the lobby, where Edgeworth and the gang were waiting with baited breath.
“Ahh, Wright. You didn’t die in a car accident. Good, good. I wasn’t thinking about that at all, but good nonetheless.”
“Hiya, Edgeworth.” Phoenix said, giving him the secret handshake.
“Heya, Pal! You got this!” Gumshoe laughed, giving a big smack to Phoenix’s back, causing him to nearly topple over, as he is still in poor balance due to the foot injury of the day prior. Klavier, Daryan, and Ema didn’t have much of substance to say, however, but they were all confident in Phoenix and the rest of the defense team. Daryan only a little bit - He only really knew Apollo, but not much else. But he was still excited nonetheless.
“So… We’ve got a solid fifteen minutes. Is Trucy in the defense lobby, do you know?”
“Ohohoho… Indeed she is!” A horrific and grotesque voice echoed throughout the halls of the house of justice, known as… The Court. Everyone whipped their heads around at impeccable speeds.
“Well, well well… If it isn’t all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. Or should I say… All of… Um. Trucy’s Horses and Men! Those who won’t be able to put her back together again! Ho ho ho!” And then… The terrible two had entered. Winston and Gaspen Payne - Collectively known as The Paynes. They walked obnoxiously, and they smelled like old man cologne and shame.
“Well well well!”
“Well well well indeed, brother!” Gaspen responded to Winston.
“You…!” Phoenix pointed his crutch at them.
“Careful there, itsy-bitsy spider! You don’t want there to be a water spout!” Winston taunted, as he began to pat his head. Gaspen too, laughed and began patting his head as the two hobbled around the lobby, clouds of dust emanating from their balding domes.
“Don’t you have some… Some prosecutor’s business to be doing?” Edgeworth scolded the two. “I am still your boss. You never put your two weeks in, after all.”
“Heh! I won’t need two and or to, too!” Winston said, as his glasses shone brilliantly as if it were a white dwarf sun. “But yes, yes… We do have some business to attend to. Just coming to pay our respects first and foremost. Because after this trial. Your legacy, and your daughter, who is also your legacy will be dead! Dead in the ground! You’ll be like Little Miss Muffet! Scared away by the spider of Payne! And there won’t be any curds or whey!” Winston laughed.
“Gyahahahahahahaha! Stinky!” Gaspen pointed at all of them. The whole group began yelling, though none of them could be made out, as their yelling clashed with one another. The Paynes laughed and skittered away, like two microorganisms on the beach of the Dead Sea.
“Damn, what a bunch of douchebags!” Larry yelled. For once, they could all agree with him.
“Well, we’re going to head onto the audience chamber. Gumshoe will prepare the confetti, as per usual.” Edgeworth announced.
“I stayed up all night thinking of the perfect colors, pal! And I think I got it!” Gumshoe said with a big toothy grin. He had many teeth.
“Oh, so that’s what you were typing away on my computer about…” Ema snarked.
“Good luck, Herr Wright. And Forehead. And… Oh. Who is this?” Klavier asked, walking up to Mia. Diego swiftly cut between the two, blocking his way.
“She’s mine, pretty boy…!” Diego glared. But you couldn’t tell by the visor. Just his mouth, which was in a frowny position.
“O-oh. Ja, ja. I mean, I was just gonna… Haha…Ja…” Klavier said, trying to play with his hair. Daryan grabbed him on the shoulder and took Klavier with him.
“I wish you’d talk to me that way…” He muttered under his breath.
“H-wha?” Klavier asked.
“Nothin, bro. She’s got a nice rack.”
“Hey! I heard that!” Diego yelled. “I mean, it is true. I’ll give you a pass this time. But next time? No. That’s no in Spanish, by the way.” He said, dragging his finger across his throat in the “threatening to kill” motion. Mia was rather embarrassed by all the boob talk, but she was also flattered in a strange way. She gave one a nudge, the left one to be exact.
“Heh. Still got it.” She muttered. “Anyways!” she continued. “Pearl, Maya… Diego. You three go ahead and join those hooligans. Me, Phoenix, and Apollo are going to go to the defense lobby.”
Diego gave Mia a big hug, and a big ol’ smooch. “Good luck, babe…!” he said, believing in her.
Maya gave Phoenix a big hug, and a big ol’ smooch. “Good luck, babe...!” She said, believing in him.
“Is nobody gonna kiss me?!” Apollo questioned. Pearl almost did, but Phoenix stopped her.
“You don’t wanna go down that road, Pearls.”
“Oh, okay. Well! I believe in you, Mr. Justice!” She said, giving him a big hug. Apollo beamed with pride.
“Yeah! Now I’m all fired up!” he said, a powerful golden aura flaring around him. “Here comes Justice!!!” He yelled with the Chords of Steel echoing through the entire building at the force of a thousand winds. He ran into the Defendant’s Lobby before anyone else.
“So, uh… What should I do?” Larry said, hands on hips.
“Oh, uh… Go buy some snacks for the folks in the audience. Edgeworth really likes Bugles.” Phoenix said.
“Wha…?! So I’m the errand boy now?!” Larry pouted.
“Please?” Mia asked, with a slight forward bend to better reveal her awesome cleavage.
“Y-Yowza!” Larry jumped, his eyes popping out of the sockets and morphing into hearts.
“And, think of it this way. You’re getting snacks for yourself, too!” Mia said, reassuredly. Larry took a second to think, and then pointed his finger at her.
“You, lady… Are the smartest lady ever. I’m on it!” He ran like the Flintstones all the way to the vending machines.
“Heh. Still got it.” Mia said once more, this time nudging the rightie. “Well… Let’s go see your daughter, Phoenix. Now that it’s just you and me. Sane people, for once. Haha.”
“Yup… Let’s go.”
March 30th, 11:09 A.M.
District Court
Defendant’s Lobby
They entered the Defendant Lobby, and Apollo was busy trying to calm a sobbing Trucy down. He was singing Witch Doctor to her, frantically. This didn’t help, but Trucy still did the “Duh-duh-duh-duh” part, in her tears. She then saw Phoenix and this mysterious new woman she had never seen before. She ran up and hugged Phoenix harder than she had ever hugged before.
“I missed you so much, d-d-duh...daddddyyyyyyy!” she began to sob, tears spurting out of her eyes and into his suit. Phoenix did that fatherly thing where you put the hand on the kid’s head to signify that you love your child.
“I know. I’m here. My hand is on your head now! Everything is alright.” Phoenix said, trying to put on a brave face for Trucy. He used to do this when she was younger and scared of such things as thunderstorms, or ghouls! She had a very intense fear of goblins when she was ten, so that year was especially difficult.
“Wh-who’s this lady with the huge milkers?” Trucy questioned.
“We’ll explain all that later, honey. What you need to know now is that I’m here for you. And your father.”
Trucy gasped. “Wait, you left Maya!? How could you?!” She squealed.
“No, no no. I’m her sister. Y’know, Mia. We’re just friends. I’m his former boss. And I have a really hot boyfriend. Like, really hot. Way hotter than Phoenix, so don’t worry.”
“Oh, you’re Mia Fey?! Wow!” Trucy gasped once more. “Speaking of this boyfriend though… Hotter than Mr. Hunk?”
“Uhm… Not sure who that is, but sure.” Mia said. Phoenix felt like this was a strange little jab at him, but decided not to mention it.
“Anyways, Trucy. You’re sure you remember all the details of the incident, right?” She nodded, making an “Nh!” noise-the anime grunt of approval.
“Good. Just in case we need you to provide details, or something.”
Apollo was still here, singing various tunes to himself while speed-reading through the case files. “I get it now! I get everything! It all makes sense!” he yelled, slapping his fist into his open palm. “I’m ready to roll! Here comes Justice!” Apollo yelled, prematurely running into the court, and then running back in. “Oh, we’ve still got two minutes. Oopsie!” he said. Everyone laughed, and it was just the laugh they needed.
“Well, daddy…? Am… Am I gonna make it?” Trucy asked, tears once again welling in her eyes. Phoenix didn’t want to scare her at all, showing the doubts and crippling anxieties he had faced in the past three days.
“Yes. You’ll be free within a few hours. Hold tight. We don’t just have me. We have Apollo. And we have Mia. And Mia was a damn good attorney. Probably still is!” Mia nodded in agreement. “Don’t you worry. We’ll make it out square.”
“Whooooaaa! We’re halfway there!” Apollo sang, but nobody responded. “Just a Jovi Joke guys. Anyways… Oh! It’s time!” he yelled.
“It’s time.” Phoenix said.
“It’s time.” Mia also said, sternly. “We’ll be back, Trucy. Don’t you worry.”
Trucy smiled, tears welling up once more. “Th… Thank you… Thank you guys! I love you all! And uh… What’s with the leg, daddy?”
“Uh, later Trucy. For now…” the three lawyers - Red, Blue, and Black (with yellow accents) walked to the doorway. The double doors opened, shining a light so bright it casted their shadows through the room.
“It’s law time.” The three said in unison.
March 30th, 11:15 A.M.
District Court
Courtroom No. 7
The three lawyers of justice walked (And Phoenix hobbled) into the courtroom, and made their way up to the defense bench. The folders upon folders in hand, they began to lay out their evidence, ready to be whipped out without fail. The gallery began to fill in, and right across from him, Phoenix could see Edgeworth (and friends (and Larry)). Diego blew a kiss to Mia, and Gumshoe gave a big hearty double thumbs up.
“YOU GOT THIS, MR. NICK! FUCK ‘EM UP!!!” Pearl gutturally screamed. Maya clapped to this.
“YEAH!!! RIP ‘EM IN HALF!!!” she yelled, pointing up a big foam hand. Daryan pulled out his own foam hand and put two streaks of face paint underneath his eyes. Larry began to pass around snacks, announcing the name of said snacks as if he was one of those people at a baseball game who announces that they’re selling overpriced water, peanuts, and even more overpriced Bud Lite. Trucy, however, was too terrified to have any of this fun. She watched from the dark corner, where she had been directed to stand, hands in shackles by the Evil Bailiff.
Suddenly, Heath Bar in hand, the Honorable Judge faded into the chair, and smacked his gavel thrice down onto the gavel-hitting circle, which we still don’t know the name of.
“Ahem! Ahem… Ahem? Ahem! Court is now in session, for the final day of the trial of Trucy Wright for the murder of Michael P. Meekins. We just found out his middle initial was ‘P.’ I’ll get back to you all when we find out what it stands for. We, the legal system, should probably know this, but oh well. Anyways, I hope the defense has found some good spicy evidence to add some flavor to these deliberations.” Phoenix, Apollo, and Mia all gave the Judge a mighty nod. “Good, good. And… Do my eyes deceive me? Is that… The legendary Mia Fey, in the flesh?” She smiled as she flipped her hair behind her ear.
“In the flesh.” she said, smiling, crossed-arms closed eyes, like a proud anime character.
“Wow. Didn’t you die?” The Judge asked, his eyes wide open.
“Yeah. I did. But, that’s all in the past now.” She said in a slight chuckle. “I was brought back by some… Ancient mystical process that my family can do, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m just here to help deliver the not-guilty verdict that we’re definitely gonna win! Am I right guys?!” she asked, raising her hand for a hi-five. Apollo lunged over Phoenix and gave her the hi five. Phoenix, however, due to his leg, nearly fell over from the propulsion of Apollo’s force. This somewhat encouraged Trucy - She was glad they were all so determined, but the Evil Bailiff, his eyes obscured by a dark shadow under his hat, like an evil anime goon, smirked.
“Heh… Like that’s going to happen.” Trucy gave him a glare and stuck out her tongue at him, like “Blehhhhhh!” She would do the funny hand motion, but her hands were shackled. The Judge hit his gavel down and took a bite of the Heath Bar.
“Very good. Well, where are… The prosecuto-” suddenly, the lights in the courtroom went out.
“My word!!” someone screamed.
“Heh heh heh…” And then, like a spotlight from the heavens above, shone down onto the prosecutor’s bench. And there they were. “Prepare for trouble…”
“...And make it double!” Winston, donned in white and silver, to represent something unbeknownst to all, and Gaspen, donned in his black and gold-lined suit, with flairs of purple, and his special Khura’in crown, from when he was the King of Prosecutors, sending innocent men and women to die. They were standing atop the counter, striking various poses.
“My name is Winston Payne… And making ‘em pay is my game!” he said, as he put his hand over his face, like Jonathan Joestar of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Fame. He then, somehow, did a backflip down onto the floor.
“And I…” Gaspen struck another pose, this time, akin to D I O, of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Fame, to signify the darkness to Winston’s light. “...Am Gaspen Payne! And hardcore anal is my game!”
“Brother!!” Winston hacked. “That’s for our potential pornography intro! Not for the court! Get it right, you dolt!”
“Oh. Right, sorry. Let me try that again. My name is…” Gaspen, once again, struck the pose. “...Gaspen Payne! And… Humiliating the defense is my game!” Gaspen did a spin-jump, Super Mario Sunshine style (Complete with the “Yahoo”), pulling out a rose, walking over to Mia Fey, handing it to her. She didn’t want it, nor did she take it. This, of course, was not what Gaspen had intended to happen.
“Well… Um. Fooled you still!” he threw the rose to the side, and squirted a tiny dollar store water gun at her. Diego nearly jumped down, Edgeworth and Larry having to hold him back.
“Don’t you DARE get her wet! Bastard…! I’m gonna punch you in the heart!! Believe me when I say that I’ve got something for your punk ass!”
“Hey, nice Santeria reference, bro.” Klavier gave him the finger gun.
“Thanks…! But still, that rat bastard! I’m gonna-” The Judge slammed his gavel down thrice, as loud as possible.
“Now now now. I will not tolerate any roughhousing or horseplaying in my courtroom. Or rough-playing and horse-housing. This is a court of law, not elementary school recess! With your foolish introductions out of the way… Let us begin.”
“Very well, your… non-hor. Heh. Heh!” Gaspen hacked. “Been working on that one for weeks.” he said, as he smoothed his hair back with a fine comb, crown in hand, moonwalking back to the prosecutor’s bench. Winston cleared his throat.
“I’m sorry, your-ahem-honor. We’ll begin with our opening statement.”
“Today… Marks the final day of the trial of this wench, Trucy Wright. An abhorrent criminal who stabbed Michael Meekins in cold, unadulterated blood. 26 times, stabbed in the throat. Yes, yes. Who else was there to perform such an abhorrent and evil act against this kind security guard? We’ve already proven it could not have been the proprietor, we have his alibi. We also cannot say my brother, Gaspen Payne has done it either. He too, had an alibi. And those two at the sandwich shop provided no substantial evidence that it was anyone else. Jake Marshall had let us know of the disappearance of the tapes - This does raise some questions on that crime alone, but this does not correlate with that. For you see, Trucy Wright has already incriminated herself. Yes yes, this wand. The wand… of murder!” He said, holding up the bloody wand in a plastic evidence bag.
“Evidence bag!” Gaspen stated.
“Yes, yes…” he continued; “For this wand is proven to be the murder weapon. And though there are no prints whatsoever… Who else could have done it? I mean, what person in this entire city cares about magic… At all? Well, there was the bunny and bat girl from the show that the girl had done. But she’s not relevant to this case. And the Gramaryes too, but they’re all dead, I think. So good. It really just boils down to her, and her only. And with that… We rest our case. I believe the verdict should be placed!”
“Hmm…” The Judge said, stroking his beard. “Well… I’m convinced.” he said, holding his gavel mid-holding-in-air.
“Objection!” Phoenix yelled, pointing his finger. The force of his point, and vocal cords sent a shockwave, slightly blowing everyone’s hair back.
“Whoa! Using the Big O right off the bat! I’m getting a bit wet!” Maya whispered to Pearl. She merely giggled.
“Did that girl say… Wet?” Daryan asked, confusedly, in a rather loud manner.
“Roll with it, bro.” Klavier said, with a slight nudge.
“We haven’t even… Trialed yet! Come on, your honor. It’s only been three minutes! I haven’t even gotten to the evidence yet! And, other things that we need to deliberate over.”
“Yes, your honor. Yesterday we came across some new evidence not yet known to this court. We believe it is integral to present this to the court, to prove Trucy Wright’s innocence.” Mia said, also pointing her finger.
“Well? What is it then? Please, if you could give us a brief summary.” The Judge requested.
Phoenix did his classic nod pose, and then pulled out the folder with the Les Auchis Terribles project, and then a big roll of film and slammed it on the table.
“What…? How did you get that?!” Winston pointed. “That… That was mine! You stole it, didn’t you?!”
“Nope.” Phoenix shook his head. “We came across it in a perfectly legal way. Someone gave it to us.”
“And don’t think we forgot a little old book called… Evidence Law.” Mia said, hands on hips.
“Wh-WHAAAT?!” Payne squawked, doing his surprised animation. This was the first time he had ever taken a hit in this trial-it caught him off guard.
“YEAH! EVIDENCE LAW, BITCHES!” Apollo yelled in a deep voice, as if he was a hype-man, hopping up and down.
“I… I think you did steal it! Let me call my wife!” The Judge interrupted, clearing his throat.
“Um, Mr. Payne. Did you not see the news this morning?”
“What?” Payne asked.
“Your wife got arrested, like, last night. She illegally owned a Bazooka. And a Minigun. And a Goon. Some onlookers reported it. The FBI had to come in, and, well… Now she’s in a Federal DC court, probably going to be facing 20 years to life, considering the destruction of an entire cliff. How did you not hear about this?” Payne was absolutely stunned.
“I...Eh… Uh… I-Guh… Fucking plot armor…! Well, someone stole it! I know this for a fact! And I know it, because I’m very smart! In fact, I DEMAND we hold trial, right now! Because I’m accusing the Wright Anything Agency of stealing MY property!”
“Well… Er. See, you need evidence that you owned the items in the first place, sir. There’s no evidence. I mean, unless you have some. But Evidence Law does rule, too! So your trial is invalid, and Mr. Wright is not guilty of stealing your-or so you claim to be your property. Ho ho.” The Judge slammed down his gavel, just for fun.
“Phew… Thought I was in hot water there.” Edgeworth whispered to Gumshoe.
“Heh, they’ll never know, Pal!” he winked, playfully. Winston was silent and grumbled.
“Fine, fine. I’m dropping this argument. I don’t care how you got the evidence! I don’t care at all! And, just so you know, the only reason I didn’t know about my wife’s arrest was because me and Gaspen here were busy drinkin-I mean, preparing for the trial! We are very dedicated to our jobs. And I love my wife! Anyways, on with this evidence you speak of.”
“Heh… Sure loves his wife but she sure doesn't love him! Heh…” Klavier laughed to himself.
“Hah! Nice.” Daryan said, hearing his comment. They high-fived.
“Anyways!” The judge yelled, slamming his gavel. “This is enough deliberation on these meaningless things and banter and whatnot. Please, provide your evidence.” Phoenix tilted his head slightly down and put his hands on his hips while looking slightly upwards with a smirk.
“Oh boy, do I have evidence for you, your honor. See, this film here…” giving the film a little pat, “This film was taken from the security office of Jake Marshall at the Very Big Mall. And what this shows… Will astound you. It shows the exact moment of Sir Michael Meekins’s (Yes, he was knighted by the Queen) death. I think. We actually… Well, we couldn’t review it, Hazakura Temple doesn’t have a VHS player. But I’m pretty sure it has the moment on it. Can we get one of those… TV things?”
The Judge motioned for Evil Bailiff to go get the TV. He grumbled, and walked into storage. Mia turned and whispered to Phoenix.
“Sounded real confident there, Phoenix…”
“Well, we had no way to watch it, so I dunno.” Phoenix shrugged.
“What’re you guys whispering about?!” Apollo butted in. “Is it secrets?! I wanna know! I love secrets! I’m really good at keeping them!”
“AHEM!” Gaspen ahem’d. “We don’t tolerate secret-keeping here! You know what they say! ‘Secret secrets are no fun, secret secrets hurt someone!’” He said, waggling his finger. Everyone ignored this. A few minutes later, Evil Bailiff returned with one of those old CRT TV’s on carts with a VHS player that they would bring out in Elementary School gym classes, often to watch fitness videos aimed at children and/or sex education tapes from the 1980s with some back-water B-list celebrity playing some instrument in the beginning and going ‘Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I’m (insert name of B-list star from the 80s that nobody would recognize)’. Or, in other cases, videos from OSHA, in such a case where you are taking a woodworking class in Middle and/or High School where you need to learn about proper safety measures when operating machinery, except, often the videos were irrelevant and had to do with welding and/or the handling of dangerous chemicals such as H2SO5 or Hydrofluoric Acid. Or, in rare, cool cases, Bill Nye the Science Guy. It was always a good day in 6th grade science class when the teacher would put on Bill Nye. Anyways, Evil Bailiff tried snatching the tape from Phoenix, but Phoenix didn’t trust this Bailiff.
“Apollo… Why don’t you put the tape in?” Apollo jumped for joy and ran to the TV, inserting the tape in. “Oh boy! Here we go! It’s goin’ in! Yay!!!” He then ran back behind the defense bench.
“Bro, shut the lights!” Daryan yelled to the bailiff. “Can’t see shit on the TV in here!”
“I agree!” the Judge said. “Do indeed, shut the lights.” Evil Bailiff grumbled and walked over to the light-dimmer. (Yes, the court has a light-dimmer! Fancy!) The lights went out, and the tape began to roll.
Static. Nothing but static for a good ten seconds. Until suddenly, a familiar tune echoed through the court halls. A carnival-like sound, the sound that any seasoned Ace Attorney fan could hear and go into a catatonic rage. Indeed, it was the theme of the Blue Badger. “Oh god…” Phoenix muttered. It played after the Security Footage Reform Act of 2023 passed with overwhelming support, requiring the Blue Badger seal and song of approval on all security footage across the land of Japanifornia. But what the video showed was even more shocking. Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium, and two silhouettes. One was clearly Mike Meekins, and the other was an unidentified person. The person was wearing a hoodie, so you couldn’t tell what their head was like. The mysterious figure led him through a doorway, where the storage room is. Sadly, the footage of the murder was obscured by said doorway and boxes. But… What could be seen was horrifying. Tumbling, rumbling, and bumbling abound. Blood splattering, faintly seen by the light shining into the storage room. And an arm, a dreaded arm stabbing away with the wand in question. Sadly, there were no sounds to be heard. Just that accursed song. And then… Static.
“Well… That certainly is a murder.” The Judge said. “And it’s gruesome, too. I mean, wow. Blood everywhere. Like, that’s crazy!”
“Yes. It indeed is a murder. And it is crazy, your honor. And I believe… That it’ll make this whole case crack.”
“Objection!” Gaspen objected, loudly. “Heheheheh… Heh. Mr. Mr. Wright, you silly man you. While this did bring me momentary joy in watching a vile gruesome murder… This proves nothing! All we saw was but a mere silhouette, obstructed by boxes and crates abound! How could we suspect this to be anyone?! Thus… Our opening statement remains. Trucy is still guilty.” Phoenix gritted his teeth.
“But, clearly you can tell, from the height of the figure, that’s not my daughter Trucy!”
“Oh, sure… That’s just a trick of the video! Mike Meekins is taller anyways, so perhaps it is but an optical illusion! A trick of the eye! Besides, those cameras suck ass.” Winston patted his head. Phoenix grumbled.
“Defense. If you are to say that the individual in this footage is not Trucy Wright, then who, pray tell, is it?” The Judge questioned.
Mia did a sassy little hip-sway. “Of course your Honor. It is none other than…” She then extended her long finger and pointed straight at the prosecution, “The brothers Payne, your Honor!”
Silence.
“Snrk...Haha...BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Winston and Gaspen both laughed. “You think it was US?! Pathetic! Useless! But thank you for the laugh. No, seriously. Who do you think did it?” Gaspen asked.
“Uh, you.” Apollo replied.
“Wha-Oh. You’re serious. Shit. Another headache for old Payne…” Winston grumbled.
“No worries brother… I will go… As a witness!” Gaspen announced.
“What?!” Winston asked. “Why?! Why would you do that?!”
“Um… To prove our innocence, brother. Duh… Think it through. Stop being such a dick! God damn.”
“Well… We weren’t quite done reviewing the footage…” Apollo said.
“Well, for now, you are! You listen to me. You will not accuse me and my brother of co-conspiring in a murder.” Gaspen said, walking up to the witness stand. “After all… I am the one who called security…!”
The Judge nodded. “Very well. The… Wh-WHACHOO!!!” the Judge let out a massive sneeze, it shook the courtroom. "Ah, sorry. I have a bit of a-" Soon, Gaspen interrupted.
"Hey Sneezy! Need a tissue?!" he beckoned, patting his head. The judge began to look down in shame. Although his beard mostly obscured it, a blush could be seen.
"Mr. Payne... You will refrain from calling me that."
"Sorry, Sneezy!!!" he yelled, continuing to pat his head. Winston snickered. Everyone in the defense's corner was dumbfounded.
“Anywho, continue, Mr. Payne.”
-WITNESS TESTIMONY: GASPEN PAYNE-
“It all started the day of the murder. I, an innocent bystander… Yes, yes. I’m innocent. Everyone! Look at me. I am innocent. Got that? Can’t you tell? Good. Anyways. So I come to the Mall and I’m looking for some very nice clothes and such. And like, one of those stores like Men’s Warehouse or DXL. Something like that. Anyways, I heard some noises coming from the Magic Store. It was a screech! Yes, a vile… Vile screech. You see, in there, panicking, was Trucy Wright. She was in a panic, obviously after the psychological toll of murdering someone. She’s but a girl… I wonder why she did it. Maybe because he hit on her? Or something like that. Or maybe because she has a terrible home life? Or a bad father, maybe… And needed to vent her frustrations out on a man as pathetic as he. Anyways, I see the girl, and I tell her she best not move. That I’ll go and call security. Hehe. And I did just that. I ran and ran, it was only two doors down. So the girl didn’t have much time to escape. I call them, ‘Oh! Security, security! Help! There was a murder, and I found the suspect!’ So that kind southern man, he ran with his two buddies and tackled the girl. They did a swift investigation before calling the police. Nobody in the room besides the dead body. So, it only could have been… her. I was there. And my account is true and just. So I say. I decree! Put her in jail. 20 years to life! I’d give her life in jail. Or the chair, do we still have the chair? I don’t know.. After that, the cops got here, they didn’t find anyone either, after a swift investigation. Ms. Skye over there can agree to this, right?” he looked at Ema, who said nothing. The mere eye contact made her sick. “It is indeed true. So… That is all I have to say of the matter. But, it is 100% without a doubt that Trucy Wright was indeed the only one in the room at the time, before, during, and after the murder. Heh heh heh…It is true. And so concludes my testimony.” Gaspen said, patting his head and scratching his ass. At that point, Gumshoe had already fallen asleep. Edgeworth was getting there too.
“Mr. Wright…” Apollo said, looking towards Phoenix.
“What is it, Apollo?”
“I feel… A tightness. A tight sensation, a little tingle!”
“...Not now, Apollo, this is court!”
“No you silly-billy! My wrist, not my willy!” He replied.
“Ohhh, that…” Phoenix said, looking at the magical wrist-band. Apollo nodded vigorously.
“I’m ready! Your Honor, let me cross-examine the witness!” The Judge nodded.
“Indeed. You may cross-examine the witness.”
“Yay! I’m gonna cross-examine the witness!” Apollo cheered, jumping for joy.
“Good luck, red monkey…!” Gaspen sneered.
-CROSS-EXAMINATION: GASPEN PAYNE-
Apollo held onto his wrist, and asked; “Mr. Payne… Can you repeat that last part for me? Y’know… The part about the people in the room?”
“Very well…” Gaspen sighed, in an annoyed manner. “I repeat…” And just as he began, Apollo’s eyeballs turned blood red and began trembling. His sight and senses increased, as his eyes gained the zoom-in function, focusing in on Gaspen. “Nobody was in the room, besides Trucy Wright…” He said, patting his head and scratching his ass. Apollo noticed the ass-scratching, and with a hefty point and a mighty belt, he exclaimed: “GOTCHA!” As it freeze-framed with a cool noise, and just for a second, the world was in black and white-at least to Apollo.
“What… What was that?” Gaspen asked.
“I caught ya’ red handed! Just like my suit!” Apollo beckoned.
“What? What do you mean?!” Gaspen gasped.
“You were scratching your butt while saying nobody was in the room! You didn’t do that in any other point in the testimony, meaning… That’s your nervous tick! And I saw it! So… Are you lying to us?” Apollo asked. Gaspen began to sweat profusely, looking up towards the Judge.
“Hmm… You know it would be very bad for a prosecutor to commit perjury, especially in my court. And you, who have been expelled twice now, in two different countries… You know what they say, Mr. Payne. Three strikes, and you’re out.”
“Actually, they say third time’s the charm!” Winston murmured to himself. Gaspen, sweating even more looked towards Winston.
“I… Uh… Well…”
“Admit it! There was someone else! A third party! Another person in the room! We cannot rule this possibility out, especially if it’s true! That’d raise another suspect!” Apollo said, pointing with the passion of a thousand suns. Phoenix was impressed by his tiger-like ferocity. Mia, too, was somewhat impressed.
“Well, well well…” Winston said, in response. “We saw the video. How can you say there’s proof there was another person? I don’t see another person in there. How can you tell that’s my brother’s nervous tick, anyways? That’s just baseless conjecture! Maybe he didn’t wipe good enough after that monster shit he took this morning! How would you know my brother’s hygiene habits?! He always was the disgusting slob of the two of us…” You couldn’t see it behind his shades, but Gaspen was beginning to tear up at these mean words.
“Well… It’s my gimmick! Everyone knows the gimmick of my game! And how they effectively ruined it in Dual Destinies!”
“Your ‘gimmick’, eh? Well, game mechanics don’t work in the real world! What the fuck even is Dual Destinies?!” Gaspen asked.
“It’s… It’s the game you debuted in…” Apollo responded.
“Well, I don’t give a rat’s patootie!” Gaspen responded.
“Well, Mr. Payne… You never responded to our question. Was someone in there? A third party?” Mia asked. “It’s a simple yes or no…” She continued, arms crossed.
“Objection!” Winston objected. “Why are you badgering my poor, poor, helpless brother? Looks like big bro will have to come in and help him once more! Well, you know what I think?” Winston said, walking into the middle of the court, arms out. “I think her boobs are too fat!” he said, pointing. Everyone made a shocked noise, especially Diego. The Judge hammered down his gavel.
“Order!”
“NO!” Diego barked viscerally. “YOU TAKE THAT BACK! HER BOOBS ARE THE RIGHT SIZE, AND THEY’RE AWESOME!” Mia was very embarrassed by this whole segue, buttoning up her suit a bit more.
“Fine, fine, just to calm you down, little man, I take it back… Oh, Bailiff! Get me a cup of coffee… A cup of joe, if you will!” Evil Bailiff smirked, and went to go grab some coffee. “I brought myself a very special blend.”
Diego raised an eyebrow behind his visor. “Hmm? What is it?”
Winston chuckled, pulling out a small bag of Special Godot Blend #102: Dunkin Donuts Edition.
“Ha…! I see you’re a man of class. Still a piece of shit human being, but you’ve got class.”
“Thank you…” Winston said, bowing. Just then, Evil Bailiff returned with a cup of coffee in hand. He slid it over to Winston, who didn’t catch it, crashing to the ground.
“Shit… Well. Bailiff. Give me yours.” Reluctantly, Evil Bailiff handed it over, realizing the slide was not going to work out. “Good, good… Yes, coffee…” he took a mighty swig, and then licked his chops, doing that one mouth thing where you move it around to acquire more flavor. “Hmm… This needs something…”
“Huh? The hell you talking about? My coffee’s perfect. Every cup!”
“Nuh-uh-uhhhh…!” Winston wagged his finger. “Bailiff! Get me my milky!”
“Wha…?” Diego gasped.
“No, no… Almond milky!” He laughed. Evil Bailiff pulled out a tiny bottle of Silk Almond Milk.
“What…!? What the fuck?!” Diego began to panic. Gumshoe and Edgeworth looked very concerned.
“Is this some form of psychological torture…?” Maya whispered to Pearl.
“I dunno, but I don’t like it!” she responded.
“Here we gooooo~!” Winston sneered in a sing-song manner as he began to slowly pour the almond milk into the coffee.
“NO!!! Stop, stop it you rat bastard, I’m gonna fucking kill you!! How could you do this to my precious Godot Blend #102?! That’s limited edition!” Gaspen smirked.
“Kill? Wouldn’t be the first time, would it now, Mr. Murder?”
Diego grunted loudly as Winston and Gaspen laughed.
“Stop, stop!! You’re hurting him!” Mia shouted in defense of her precious man. Winston maniacally laughed. By then, the Judge had been asleep for a whole minute and a half, however, Daryan, sick of all the chaos, swiped a snackoo from Ema’s Snackoo Sackoo, and lobbed one at the Judge’s head.
“H-huh?” The Judge awoke, and to his amazement, was watching a mockery be made in court as the Prosecutor had been psychologically torturing a medically challenged man in the gallery. He slammed down the gavel like a crack of thunder from the mighty fingertips of Zeus.
“ORDER!” he bellowed, shaking the court at its foundation. “I will not have a mockery be made of MY court! This is unacceptable! Prosecution, this is your first warning. If you continue this behavior… This court will have to find Trucy Wright innocent, and yourselves expelled from prosecuting forever and always. I believe Mr. Edgeworth would have no problem holding a trial for you two, would he not?”
Edgeworth shrugged, smirking. “No problem at all, your honor.”
“See? Now, we continue. Mr. Gaspen Payne, I order you to tell us the truth. Was someone else in that room during the murder?”
Gaspen was trembling in his boots. “Listen… I… I don’t know. Yes, indeed. I do not know. All I know is what I saw and what the camera saw. Sure, the ma-I mean, person in the hoodie could be different than Trucy Wright, but what proof do we have? Do we have any? No.” He said, scratching away once more. Apollo pointed.
“You’re doing it again! And you didn’t do it any time between my last questioning! Your honor… He’s lying. I know it. There was someone else in that room. Mr. Payne here was an eyewitness to the crime! Or did he know there’d be another person? Therein lies the question. Please, Your Honor. Ask him once more, with your godlike might.” Apollo said. The Judge stroked his beard.
“Hmm… Well, if he doesn’t answer this trial will get nowhere. Yes, or no, Mr. Payne. Answer now, or I will hold you in contempt of court.”
“I told you… I told you I don’t know!” Gaspen said, pulling on his toupee.
“But, as Mr. Justice has proven, every time the subject comes up it seems you’re hiding something.” Mia said.
“Yes, Mr. Payne. You’re cornered. (funny first game reference haha!!)” Phoenix said, arms crossed.
“Give it up, dastard!” Apollo said, knee high like an honorable knight.
“I… I... Okay!!! Fine, fuck it! I can’t take anymore of this pressure! I’m on heart meds! There was another! I cannot say who, for sure, but I saw another man in there! But was he a witness, or the culprit? That I cannot say, I never saw his probably ugly face!! Now leave me the fuck alone!” Winston was floored by this. Phoenix stroked his chin.
“So you’re admitting that this other subject was indeed a man.”
“Gurk!” Gaspen gurked. “He… He looked like one! So of course I’d say he! But again, I’ve no idea who he was! I just saw him walk in there as I was passing by to go get a hot dog! And when I came back… Boom, murder. Perhaps he was scouting the room? Or just window shopping? Who’s to say. But… I didn’t see him after the murder. Only minutes before…” Gaspen said.
“Sure, sure. But did the hoodie match?” Mia asked.
“I-Did what?” Gaspen asked.
“Hoodie. The man in the video is wearing a hoodie. Did it match the one you saw?”
“I-Uh-Er...Ooh...Um... Well… Uh… Shit…”
Winston was foaming at the mouth. “Dooooonnnnnnnn’t….!” He gritted through his teeth, knuckles white as snow.
“Mr. Payne… Answer the kind woman’s question.” The Judge ordered
“I… Ughhh… Uggggghhhh!!!! Gggggaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!” Gaspen screamed, throwing his toupee across the room, hitting Winston in the face. Truly, how far things had come. Phoenix’s first trial ever, against Winston Payne… A toupee to Wright’s face. And now? The last trial against Payne, and a toupee to his.
“We’ve come full circle…” Phoenix chuckled. Mia understood this reference, she was there. And died like, a day later. That sucked. But it’s interesting to consider that one of her last memories was Phoenix getting a gross, sweaty toupee to the face.
As Gaspen inhaled to begin speaking, Winston pointed his finger, and yelled: “OBJECTION!”
The crowd went silent. Everyone looked at Winston.
“You ignoramus. Why are you acting so discombobulated?! Brother… Why are you playing into their traps? The defense’s, and, so it seems… The Judge too, their traps of terror and trickery? Are you truly so daft, punk?” He asked, patting his head.
“What…?” Gaspen asked, twitching.
“You boob… You fucking boob! You mediocre dunce! As they say… Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle… The cow jumped over the moon.” Winston sneered.
“What exactly are you saying, brother?” Gaspen, fully bald, asked back to his brother. The light shined into Klavier and Daryan’s eyes.
“Dude! Move your fuckin’ dome! I’m goin’ blind here!” Daryan yelled.
“Oh, my apologies!” Gaspen said, sincerely. He moved slightly.
“Much better, thanks, bro!” Daryan said, giving the peace sign. Larry was just kinda dicking around on his phone, in case anyone was curious. Anyways.
“See, brother… It’s always been up to me, the grrrreat (with a tongue roll) Winston Payne to keep you in line. To solve all of our problems. Me, always. Who got you back into the courts, twice? Oh… T’was me!”
“And?” Gaspen responded, confusedly.
“I’m saying… You’re best off leaving here. I can handle this myself. I don’t need your help, you’ll only hold me back! I thought you would be of great help, finally- two brothers, the result of The Project, together at last…”
“But, but brother!” Gaspen pleaded.
“Silence!” Winston commanded. “I’ve had enough of this. Your Honor, his behavior has gone too far! Expel this man, hold him in contempt! He’s useless to me now. Always has been! I had to wipe his ass, I had to clean up his messes, I was the one who made sure he could even piss right in the morning! ME! Not that old doctor! Not any of them! Me! I say, I’ve been watching my brother’s actions this whole time… And I say he’s been unacceptable! And now… He’s starting to side with the defense? What’s next, accusing me, falsely and wrongly? Why don’t you ask Mr. Payne yourself...”
The Judge had no idea what Winston was talking about. “Umm… Have you any words, Mr. Payne?” The Judge asked Gapsen.
“Heh…” Gaspen said, looking down at the floor, toupee magically back on head.
“Heh heh heh…” he continued laughing, even more evilly and sickly than before. “Listen, brother…” Gapsen began. “You’re acting as if all this is my fault, the way I am. But we both know that’s not true… Yes, brothers, but we're not ordinary brothers. We're brothers linked by cursed genes. Les Auchis Terribles . You're fine. You got all the old man's dominant genes. I got all the flawed, recessive genes. Everything was done so that you could be the greatest of his children. The only reason I exist was to entertain you!”
“I was the favorite, huh…” Winston responded, smirking.
"That's right! I'm just the leftovers of what they used to make you. Can you understand what it's like to know that you're garbage since the day you were born!? But…That day… During that day in 1982... I’m the one that he chose.”
“So that’s why you were so obsessed with those scientists, especially Snookums… Some warped kind of love?” Winston replied.
Gaspen chuckled. "Love!? Towards Snookums?! It's hate! He always told me I was inferior and now I'll have my revenge! You should understand me, brother… How it feels to have lost everything. We had the same experience, you know…Even though I was round two, made of the leftover genes, as a pathetic attempt, a failed attempt to surpass you. But... Now I'll finish the work that he began. I will surpass you... I will destroy you!"
Dead silence. Gaspen cracked his neck, and looked towards Winston, who had no words for this moment.
“What… Do you mean it?” Winston asked his brother.
“Truth is… I’ve always hated you…” Gaspen sneered in the sneeriest of sneers that had ever sneered before. The Judge slammed his gavel down.
“I… I don’t know what’s going on… But. I will not have any violence in my court. I am going to call a recess, if you must, take it outside. Court… Is now in recess.” The Judge said, hitting the Gavel one more time.
“You want to go, brother?” Gaspen asked.
“Well of course… Dearest little bro…!”
The two walked out the front doors, into the main lobby. “Oh, I gotta see this!” Daryan said, excitedly, rubbing his hands together.
“Yeah, I dunno what’s going on… But I gotta see too. Come on everyone!” Klavier said, beckoning the important audience members (And Larry) to come and join.
“Well… I guess we should go as well. Maybe it’ll give us some evidence, huh?” Mia asked the two others.
Phoenix responded; “Yeah, let’s go. I think everything is starting to piece together… At least, as far as motives are concerned.” Apollo just nodded and did a little jump. They all went (and Phoenix hobbled) out to watch the fight. But what would come of this battle? What exactly made Gaspen snap? Who will come out on top? And what new information will be revealed?
Chapter 31: The Trials of Trucy Wright: Day Three: Trial Middle
Summary:
The continuation of the final day of Trucy's Trial. The Paynes enter a duel of certain proportions, with implications beyond just the trial at hand. The deliberations continue, with desperate arguments and struggles abound. What revelations will be made in this part of the trial? And what do they all mean?
Chapter Text
March 30th, 12:00 (High)
District Court
Courtroom No. 7
Noon. High Noon. A perfect time for a duel. A crowd had formed in the lobby, as Winston and Gaspen stood in the middle. “Heh, let’s see some bloodshed!” Daryan yelled from the back. Other people in the lobby that were not directly involved in this specific case were very concerned, and began to file their way out. Some even pulled out their phones to stream to various services, such as Facebook, which, somehow, Mark Zuckerberg’s lifeless shell of a being still is holding onto in the year 2030. Winston pulled up his sleeves to expose very pale, hairy, skinny, and veiny arms-all three of those traits at once!
“You ready… Brother?” Winston asked, patting his head.
“Ohoho… I was born ready!” Gaspen sneered. Gaspen then grabbed some part of his suit, and inexplicably threw the entire thing off, somehow detaching itself from his body without any unbuttoning or undoing involved. Like in Yakuza! His body looked truly sickening. Imagine a very old man, pale, and all of his skin was saggy, although he isn’t fat, he’s incredibly skinny to the point where you can see all of his ribs and spine, but still flabby nonetheless.
“Ew…” Phoenix muttered. “I didn’t realize he was that hideous.”
“Tell me about it!” Apollo said, on his tippy-toes trying to see some of the action.
“I… I can’t look.” Mia said, turning away and putting her hand over her mouth. Perhaps the most interesting part of Gaspen’s whole appearance was a heart-shaped tattoo on his arm with an arrow through it, saying “MON.” From his point of view, Edgeworth saw this very clearly, and nudged Gumshoe.
“Hah! They got it wrong! Just like that funny Snickers commercial with the tattoo artist who spells it as ‘No Regerts!’ Now that is a funny commercial!” Edgeworth said, very matter-of-factly.
“You’re tellin’ me, Pal!” Gumshoe bellowed.
“Man… This really isn’t as climactic as I thought it’d be…” Ema said, munching on some snackoos.
Gaspen and Winston began to put up their dukes, or so they say. Facing their arms outward and doing a motion where they rotate their arms back and forth like an old timey cartoon. “Why I oughta…!” Winston grumbled. They began to circle around each other. All of a sudden, Larry came out to the middle of the fighting grounds.
“Now I want you two to play nice!! Let’s see a good honest fight!!” He said as if he were an old-timey boxing referee. “Now, any bets?! Come on, come on! Let’s see some wagers!” Larry continued to yell, as he began to ask the crowd, as people were beginning to throw money at the man’s feet.
“I’ll put 5 on the man with the clothes on!!”
“I’ll put ten on the skinny looking bastard!!”
Even Pearl and Maya, excited over a good old fashioned tussle, ran up to Larry and handed him a big wad of 1’s. (Pearl doesn’t have a lot of money, she’s very much dependent on the income of others to get by.) “Bets on Winston, double or nothin’!!!” Maya yelled.
Then, and just then, they began to tussle. The sheer dichotomy of the intensity of their emotions, clashing with how pathetic their battle was shook the lobby as it ensued. Though the Paynes, struck under the illusion that they were beings of strength and power saw no such thing. Through their delusions of a deadly degree, the disillusioned dissatisfaction between the duplicitous disputations of the divided duo of diabolical dastards, their discomfort, deception, and disharmonious disdain that had developed over decades, a dire duel had diverted and distracted the demonstrations of the direct dialogues of dogmas, on the day after days of deliberation and dispute and devoted and diligent defense's deliverance and deposition of documents and debate, to deliver the determination on whether the defendant accused of the deed of defeating, destroying and disposing of the deceased would be deemed as a downright defiant delinquent, or as a dame who deserves no detention.
“Gahhhh!!!” Winston swung, and missed. Gaspen then did a swift right jab to Winston’s sternum, and then a power uppercut. “Oof!!” Winston yelled, as he stepped on Gaspen’s foot.
“OOOOOWWWWCCCH!!!” Gaspen yelled as he hopped up and down, on one foot while holding the other with both hands. Winston now had the upper hand in the fight. “You bastard! That’s my bad foot!” Gaspen sputtered.
“I know!!!” Winston snarked. Suddenly, Gaspen had regained his composure, and began spinning his arm, delivering a windmill punch to Winston’s face. Winston spun out, as he fell onto the hard-tile floor. Somehow, his glasses did not fall off. Perhaps they were nailed into his head, or something. Gaspen then did a funny Bruce Lee motion.
“Hahaha! I got you now, brother!” Gaspen barked, as he began to walk up to Winston doing a very aggressive hand-move as he stomped. Winston, however, got up, and put his two hands together, hammering the top of Gaspen’s head, making the noise akin to a coconut. It somehow caused Gaspen to scrunch up, akin to a crushed paper lantern. He then sprung back up to original position, vibrating at the frequency of a doorstop being flicked at by a mischievous cat.
“Doyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy!” Gaspen yelled as he shook his head back to composure. “This is the last straw!!!” he yelled, as he walked up to Winston. They both attempted to poke eachother in the eyes, but due to the glasses that were as thick as pig fat, this only managed to smudge their glasses. Gaspen sat on the floor, and made an attempt to do a handstand, but this ultimately led to nothing. Truly, it was pathetic, as he could only get his legs in the air for about half a second. This caused Gaspen to curl up into a ball, and Winston, with all his might (not very much, mind you) and both his hands, rolled Gaspen towards some crowd members, crashing into them as if they were bowling pins.
“Steeeerrrrriike!” Larry announced.
“Ow…” and other phrases of pain were uttered by the poor souls. Gaspen magically stood to his feet. But Winston wasn’t done yet. In his infamous finishing moves, Winston smacked Gaspen’s ears in rapid fashion. This caused Gaspen to somehow fly backwards.
“GAAAHHHHH, GAHHHH, Gahhh…!” He screamed, Street Fighter II style. Larry ran over to Winston, and held his arm up.
“You, win!” Larry announced, like an announcer. But… Did he really? Did he truly win, after all?
A small chuckle could be heard emanating from the mouth of one Gaspen Payne, as he began to twitch, disgustingly, might we add. “Heh… You think that can best me?” He said, getting up and cracking his neck. He spit blood (and a tooth) onto the floor.
“You’re still standing?” Winston laughed.
“Indeed, just like Elton John! You always did love him, didn’t you?!” Gaspen sneered, spitting out another tooth. He lost at least two.
“Oooh, yes, yes I do! I like his funny glasses, and his one song, B-b-b-benny and the jets. BENNAYYY!” He sang, not very well.
“BENNAAAYY!” Gaspen replied, in a rare moment of harmony between the two. “BENNAY!!! BENNAYY AND THE JEEETTTSS!” Winston and Gaspen continued to sing. (And Gaspen even did the whistle!)
“Anyways, what the fuck are you trying to say, Brother?” Winston asked, snapping out of his enjoyment of Elton John’s hit song.
“I have… A secret weapon.” Gaspen responded, sinisterly.
“GASP!” Larry yelled. “Is this a turnabout in this fight?! Keep placing ya’ bets now, ladies and gents! There’s still time yet!!” He said, as he continued to hold out the small box of mainly coins and singles, mostly from Pearl.
“Yes… Yes!!! I have… THIS!!!” Gaspen pulled out a bag of Lifesaver Gummies from his pants. He then opened up the bag and poured all of them into his mouth, somehow swallowing without chewing.
Winston sneered. “Hah… Don’t make me laugh! What’s that going to d-”
Just then, Gapsen began to gain bulk in his muscles. “Hahhh… Hhhhaaaahhhh…! HHHAAAAAAHHHH!!!” He yelled, as he began to doing an anime scream, akin to when anime men are fighting in an anime. He started to gain even more muscle mass, as he flexed. “Ooooh!!! Ahhhhh!!! Uuuuunnngghhhh!!!” Gaspen continued to make strange noises as he flexed. “How do you like this, ladies!?” as he flexed his chest towards the crowd. All of the women in the crowd fainted except for the main characters who have already been established and are owned by Capcom, but fainted not for the reasons Gaspen would have hoped.
“I think I’m gonna hurl, Pearl!” Maya said, running to the nearest bathroom.
“Down the hall and to the left, lady!” Some random guy told her.
“Th-thanks!!” Maya said, running.
“I can relate, sis…” Mia said. Phoenix and Apollo were more just laughing at how pathetic this man looked. Daryan was doing Instagram Live to all of this as it transpired. Klavier walked in front of the camera and winked.
“Hey, get out of the frame, bro, I’m missing the action!!” Daryan yelled.
“Wow, and I thought I was ugly!” Gumshoe told Edgeworth.
“Oh, don’t say that! You’re beautiful! A hunk! We’ve already established this in earlier arcs of this story! But Mr. Payne is a hideous human being, a wretch after all.” Edgeworth said, disappointed in Gumshoe’s lack of self-esteem. Through all of this, Gaspen had continued to flex. He really liked flexing. Winston was just standing there in confusion. But suddenly, things took a turn. Gaspen pointed at him, doing a Jojo-esque pose.
“Now, brother… We f-GAAACK!!” And just like that, Gaspen fell to the floor, lifeless. Everything went silent.
“Yay I won!!” some guy who bet on Winston said. Pearl ran off to the bathroom to give Maya the news.
“Ah.. Uh, shit. Can I show this on Insta? I’m gonna get banned, fuck!!” Daryan said as he quickly shut off his livestream. Soon, everyone began to murmur and panic. Ema walked up to Gaspen and kneeled down. She put on a glove, so not to touch that disgusting hunk of matter, and tried feeling a pulse. It was slowing.
“Shit, call an ambulance, this dude’s dying!!! Ema said, as she ran off to the crowd.
“On it!!” Diego yelled to Ema as he pulled out his Blackberry. Diego would have rather let the man die, due to his actions, but he did what he could as a responsible citizen reintroduced into society.
“Yess!! I am the victor!!” Winston yelled. “Just call me… Winston the Winner! Because I’m Number One!” He yelled, his finger pointed in the air to signify that he was indeed number one. Panic had erupted in the lobby.
“What the fuck??” Phoenix uttered.
“He just… He just went out like that?” Mia said.
“Wow. Now this was unexpected.” Edgeworth said, crossing his arms and tapping his one finger.
Gaspen looked up to the ceiling. “So… So this is how it ends... Heh-ehh…” He coughed weakly. “Looks like… We gave the old man… The wrong… Lifesaver…” he laughed, even more weakly. “Oh well. I guess this is… This is karma… Brother. Brother!!” he yelled, looking up to Winston. “You fool… You’re just… You’re just a puppet. Fuck it up… And he’ll make you pay… In fact… In… fact… I hope you do. I hope you meet his wrath, as I… As I would have done.”
“What do you mean?” Winston said, his foot on Gaspen’s chest.
“We were just using you… Me and the muh… muhhh…” he said, slowly, his head falling back to the floor. “If only… If only our plan went as planned…”
SOME YEARS AGO…
“Now let me tell you, kid.” Snookums told Gaspen as he closed the door behind him.
“What… What could you possibly tell me to make me feel better?!” a young Gapsen, newly uglified sobbed.
“Well, I’m just here to tell you a harsh truth. I feel like I owe it to ya, kid. You were made… Just to entertain yer older brother over there. Well, and also in case we fucked up-if something bad happened to the experiment, which it did… And he was a fuckup. And, by extent, you were too, unexpectedly. But, to make you… We had to make a few… Sacrifices. See, the father- Daisuke… We had to use his genes to create the both of ya. Winston got all the dominant genes, and you? You poor bastard, you had all the flawed, recessive genes. That means you got all the heart problems, the weird birthmark that looks kinda like a peen, and, well, you ain’t even gonna piss right as you grow older. Poor kid. I feel bad for ya.”
“Then… Then why?! Why did you make me if you knew!!”
“Like I said, kid. To entertain yer brother, and to make a backup. Don’t make me say it thrice. Unlike some people, I don’t like the rule of threes.”
“You...You bastard.” Gaspen sneered.
“Listen, kid. I wudn’t expecting it! I thought you’d be the good one! Even with all the piss problems! You were our second chance at success, I dunno what’s wrong with either of ya…” Gaspen pathetically punched Snookums in the chest, though it amounted to nothing. He then began; “Look… I’m just sayin’ you gotta-” Gaspen then stormed out of the room, and slammed the door.
Weeks passed, and nothing but agony ensued. Nobody could get to Gaspen, he locked himself in his room, snacking on nothing but the rations he had hoarded, and chestnuts. A bucket of chestnuts. Though, one mysterious figure swung in, emerging from the shadows. “You… Do you desire… Revenge?” The figure asked.
“H-huh… Who are you? How did you get here???” Gaspen asked.
“Aren’t you tired of being so reserved? Don’t you want to go apeshit? Don’t you want to just… End all who wronged you? Your brother? That bastard scientist and his brat children?”
“Wh...What??” Gaspen asked.
“You hear me, boy… Fortunately, I have a plan, but only if you listen. You are integral, as together, we are unstoppable.”
“Un...stoppable?” Gaspen replied.
“Please, stop answering questions with questions. It’s getting annoying,” the figure commanded.
“What are your conditions?” Gaspen asked. “I… I would love revenge.”
“Good, good… All you have to do is follow my directions. It may take years-no, it will take years. But this is all because of the master plan…” Gapsen’s eyes shined, looking at this shadowy figure who held out his hand. “Are you with me? Do you desire power beyond your wildest dreams? The ability to take revenge on everyone who has wronged you for as long as you live? The ability… to go bananas?” Gapsen’s arm reached out, and grabbed the hand of the figure.
BACK TO THE PRESENT...
Suddenly, Gaspen’s eyes fluttered. “It’s all… Up to… you… B-boss…” He said, as his eyes shut for the last time. Just then, the ambulance arrived, and the paramedics stormed in.
“Talk about bad timing!” Larry said.
“Out of the way, out of the way!!!” the paramedics yelled. “Who can we talk to about this?!” Suddenly, the Judge emerged from the bathroom.
“Oh!!! Oh my goodness! Oh my stars!!” he said, running up to the crowd. “I… I cannot believe what has happened! Please, paramedics, take this man!!! He was a prosecutor in my courtroom!! Oh heavens!! I didn’t… I didn’t think this would happen. Winston Payne, did you kill him?!”
“No… The idiot ate a poisoned Lifesaver gummy- oop. Shouldn’t have uhhh… Mentioned that. Heheh.. Well, he did eat one! I don’t know why he had it, though, but uh… Everyone in here saw it, right?” Some people nodded, going “uh-huh.” The Judge nodded.
“Ahh, I see, that explains it. Well… Mr. Paramedic. We haven’t much time, we must go back to the trial-we have to finish it by the end of the day, because of our archaic courtroom laws! You may come back to us later for the information on this poor man’s demise, I promise I shall be here.” The paramedic nodded, as he lifted Gaspen’s body to a stretcher with the rest of his team.
“Understood, sir.” He said, as they wheeled him off to the ambulance.
“Oh… Do tell me what happens, to my dear brother. Here’s my number!” Winston slipped a business card into the pocket of a female paramedic. “I’m single now, too! Hohohoho!” You couldn’t tell because of his glasses, but he did wink at her.
“Well, Mr. Payne, we’ll let you know what happens with your brother. Ugh…” She said, as they went to the ambulance.
“ANYWAYS!!!” The Judge bellowed. “We shall now resume court. After this… Unexpected turn of events, which I expect an explanation for, for I have many questions. This is all too suspicious (amognus). Defense and Prosecution. Go to your lobbies and prepare once more, as the crowd gets back in order. I expect your swift returns.” The Judge said, fading back into the courtroom.
Maya ran up to Phoenix. “Do you… Do you think you can make it? I mean, I don’t even know what the fuck is going on anymore!!”
“Yeah… I don’t know if this really changes anything, it’s just one less Payne in the butt to deal with. We still have to solve the mysteries of this case. Oh, yeah, go get your winnings from Larry, he’s gonna swindle you if you don’t hurry up.”
“Oh, right! Well, good luck in there!!” Maya said, giving Phoenix a big ol’ smooch.
“Th-thanks. We’re gonna need it.” Phoenix, Mia, and Apollo turned and did a very cool walk, besides Phoenix, who had to still hobble into the Defense Lobby. The rest of the crowd walked single-file back into the courtroom. Larry handed out the winnings to those who won the bet on Winston, as, in a strange shift of character, had been a man of his word over this.
March 30th, 12:25 P.M.
District Court
Defense Lobby
“Daddy, what the fuck even happened?!” Trucy asked, shocked at what had preceded in mere moments before. “I… I mean, that old dude straight up died, yo!”
“I know… I know. I don’t quite know what happened myself.” Phoenix responded. “But it sure was something.”
“It was kinda funny!” Apollo chimed. “I normally don’t find people dying funny, but this time? It was a hoot! I mean… Kinda helps considering they were smackin’ at eachother like an old-timey cartoon! He rolled him up into a ball! I mean, who does that?! That’s funny.” Everyone did, in fact, think it was funny.
“Hmm. But when you think about it…” Mia responded. “Doesn’t it seem a little strange? That all these old memories between the two are suddenly relevant? Like, when you think about it… Seems kinda odd to me. I think I know what we should do.” Phoenix and Apollo tilted their heads inquisitively. “I think we should focus on motive. I mean, we all know Winston did it. He’s the killer, we all agree, right?” Everyone nodded. “Good. So, what better way to prove that he’s a killer by linking his past in the files to this murder? And we can also accuse him of the murder of Dr. Hotti and Spark Brushel. We all know and agree that it was to cover up those files, right?” Everyone nodded. “Good, so it’s settled then. So, in short, the plan is… Accuse him right out the gate of murder. Then, use the files to prove he had a motive. And prove that everything in the files actually did happen. We all agree, right?” Everyone nodded. “Good. So, as they say… Let’s get this bitch.” Everyone cheered.
“Trucy, how ya doin’?” Phoenix asked, in a fatherly way. Despite mainly focusing on pinning Winston at the moment, he, being a father, of course, cared and worried for his daughter at nearly every minute of the day.
“I’m… Okay.” Trucy said, trying to be strong. “This bailiff dude though, he smells like… That weird… I don’t even know, but it’s weird! Smells like that old cologne that hippies used to wear, and the inside of a backpack! Please help me!” She whimpered. Phoenix gave her a big hug.
“There, there, it’s okay. Soon enough, you’ll be free from not only jail, but that smelly old bailiff too. And afterwards? We’ll do whatever you want, Trucy.” Phoenix responded, as Trucy’s eyes lit up.
“Whoa… So I can finally go on a date with Mr. Hunk?! Yesss!!” Phoenix was a bit taken aback by this. He didn’t have the stones to tell her that this “Mr. Hunk” was actually Mia’s hunk all along.
“Well, when I said ‘anything’, I didn’t mean everything. I’m only a 30-some year old man! I can’t make everything happen! How about your favorite restaurant instead, and a vacation after?” Trucy, thinking this was a good compromise, agreed to this by nodding, tears in her eyes. “Good! It’s settled.” Phoenix said.
“It’s settled! And good.” Apollo chimed. Just then, the doors opened, and in stepped the Judge.
“Are, uh… You folks coming to uh… Court?” The Judge asked. “You’ve been in your little room here for a good six minutes now, you’re running a bit late. And the prosecution is getting a bit… Antsy…” The group all stood up straight.
“Oh, uh… Yeah, sure, yes, your Honor. Let’s go!” Phoenix said, getting a little flustered, as they all proceeded to walk (And of course, Phoenix to hobble) to the doors. Phoenix looked over at Trucy, winking and giving a thumbs-up, to assure her everything will be alright. The Defenders of the Innocent made their way back to the court of law.
March 30th, 12:31 P.M.
District Court
Courtroom No. 7
The defense at the defense bench, and the prosecution at the prosecution’s bench. And the judge, well… He was at the Judge’s bench. Speaking of the Judge, he slammed his gavel onto the thing that we still don’t know the name of. “Ahem. Court is now back in session… Again. Very sorry about your brother, Mr. Payne.” Winston just laughed.
“Heh heh. Him? Well, he’s in a better place, your honor… So to say. Hehehehehe…” He continued to chuckle and pat away at his balding, disgusting dome. Somehow, the dust flying off it was not letting up. Did it attract dust on a regular basis? The world may never know.
“Uh… Anyways. Our poor defense over here has not had much time to talk, due to your constant interruptions, Mr. Payne. So, I will let them have the first word.”
“Well… Okay. Uh. Who wants to go up and talk?” Apollo asked, forcefully huddling with the other members of the defense. “I already went! I need a break, my wrist hurts… My tummy hurts too!” He complained.
“Uh… Okay, well, I guess you can have a break, Apollo.” Phoenix said.
“Yay!!” Apollo cheered.
“Well, I still need a bit of time to get my thoughts together…” Phoenix said, looking at Mia, with a look of attempted persuasiveness to him. Mia sighed, shrugging.
“Ugh, I’ll do it…” Mia said, beginning to open up the Project files. “Your Honor… I’m going to come right off the bat and say that the defense still holds its stance that Winston Payne-and possibly his brother, but he’s gone now, so… Winston Payne is indeed the culprit in this situation. In fact, we have reason to believe that he is behind not only the death of Mike Meekins, but the deaths of Snookums Brushel, and his son, Spark. We have every reason to belie-”
“OBJECTION!” Winston yelled, pointing his claw at her. “Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong! Not only are you FALSELY accusing me of killing Sir Sir Michael Meekins, you’re now accusing me of killing those two Brushel men? Don’t make me laugh! Haha. Oops, you made me laugh. Now you’re in for it!! I wouldn’t give those two men my time! They suck donkey dick!” The Judge slammed his gavel down.
“No foul language in this court! Mr. Payne, please. If you will, be nice!” He said, with a booming air of command.
“Oh, no, I was saying Dick as in Richard. Are there any Dicks in this joint?” Winston asked, looking around.
“Me, pal!! I’m Dick! Dick Gumshoe!!” Gumshoe boasted, very proud of his name. “It’s kinda funny, since it means Detective Detective! What’re the odds!? I’m like Detective Detective Detective! HAHAHAHA!” But everyone stopped listening by word two of what Gumshoe was saying. Nobody cared. Not even Edgeworth, who was busy munching on his Bugles.
“God damn, these bugles are killer!” Edgeworth said to himself, munching away, at the same speed Ema was munching on Snackoos.
“God damn, these Snackoos are killer!” Ema said to herself, munching away, at the same speed Edgeworth was munching on Bugles (Perfect).
“Anyways…” Winston continued. “That’s good, Mr. Dick man. I wasn’t listening to your last name. Anyways, anyways. But...Wha...Uh… Duhhh… Well, I lost my train of thought.” He scratched his head, thinking, stroking his chin. “OH! Right. So, what I was going to ask… How can you prove that there was any motive for me to kill Mike Meekins? Let alone, those two Brushels… Curse them…”
“You literally just cursed them, sir!” Apollo yelled.
“Well, that isn’t any proof to prove that I’d want to murder them. I mean, I do hate them, but is that seriously enough motive for me to end their lives?” Winston responded.
The Judge took a second to think, and raised his finger and inhaled. “Well, actually… It is!”
“Wh-what? I mean, this must be a new law… This wasn’t around when I was a young’un. I mean, I hate all of you! But would I kill you all? No. And it’s not like any piece of writing exists that would prove that I’d want to kill someone. Teeheehee…” He said, laughing, as he poked his index finger on his chin, looking up at Edgeworth, who was shaking his fist.
“That bastard, he knows what he did!! Blast, if only we had that diary…” Edgeworth muttered.
“Well…” Mia started. “If your Honor would allow us to present this file, we can prove his motive to the court.” The Judge made a swift swing of the gavel, and said; “I’ll allow it.” Mia then pulled out the Project files, and held it up, with a slight slap. “These were the files taken from Dr. Hotti, also known as Snookums Brushel. Prior to this trial, we read many of the notes in it. And we noticed something. A log that Mr. Brushel himself wrote, chronicling the events that unfolded from his perspective. An experiment that occurred in the 60’s to create the Ultimate Prosecutor. That would be Mr. Payne, though I don’t think they were all that successful…” They all laughed.
“WOMP WOMP!” Daryan sang, akin to a trumpet that would play when something funny and unfortunate would happen. Even the Judge laughed. Payne didn’t like this comment.
“But I am the Ultimate Prosecutor… Me…!” he grumbled. “I’m the best!”
“Well, you see, while these experiments were being done to him, after many years, side effects began occurring. Dr. Hotti stated that these were: Rapid physical aging, lacking presence in court, and just in general sucking ass at being a prosecutor,” Mia handed that specific passage to the judge to read. He put on his trifocals (because he is old)! “So, you see, Winston began to resent the scientists that had destroyed his chances of being a great prosecutor.”
“HAH!” Winston hacked. “That is indeed a funny passage, Miss Mia The Manipulator! How do we know that you and your lackeys didn’t forge this document? Hm?” He laughed triumphantly, crossing his arms. Phoenix gasped. How would they prove such a thing?
“How will we prove such a thing?” Phoenix asked out loud. Mia and Apollo both shrugged, sharing a worried glance. They knew it was right, they knew it was real, but how to prove it to the Judge?!
“Heh heh heh. See I’ve got you cornered! That’s a Gyakuten no Saiban 1 reference!” Payne laughed. Everyone was confused by this.
Just then, Phoenix remembered something that a certain Puerto Rican someone told him only a few days prior. “Wait…” He said, just remembering. His eyes widened, and he said under his breath in an excited manner: “When the truth is something that you lack… Sometimes you’ve just gotta look in the back!” And then, he gave a passionate point. “Your Honor!” He shouted, “Flip that folder to the back!”
The Judge, adjusting his glasses, did so. Upon flipping it to the back, a large and official-looking government-issued stamp was on the back of said document. “Well! This sure is official. I’m convinced. Mr. Payne, I guess you are some weird genetic freak after all! I always suspected as such, but I felt it would be a little too mean to say. Ho ho. Also, this is pretty damning evidence to give you a motive.”
“Oh? And how’s that?” Winston responded, pushing his glasses up with the bottom of the palm of his hand. Like Captain Kuro, from Wan Pisu! Except, he gives off more of a Jango vibe.
“Well... The fact that it is an official government stamp!” Phoenix said with emphasis.
Winston’s back began to pulsate a little in tension. “So?” Winston responded. “That doesn’t prove shit.”
“Eeewwww!!” Pearl said from the audience. “His back made a weird movement! He’s turning into Quasimodo!” Everyone agreed, and gave Winston a big “Eeeewww!”
Winston turned around viciously. “You moronic dunces! Don’t you laugh. ANYWAYS!! Yes, I am the one in that document, I’ll admit. But how does that prove I wanted to kill them?!”
“Well... Maybe the whole… I don’t know, vowing revenge on them thing?” Apollo said, doing his shy hand on the head playing with hair and closed-eye smile pose. Winston did his shocked pose.
“OBJECTION!!” He yelled, shrilly. “Words are meaningless! Action is what matters! Here, let me prove it. I, Winston Payne, want to curbstomp you! Will I do it though? No! See? Easy.”
“Well… Actually, if you read some law books, I could sue you for that right there. That’s the ‘assault’ in ‘assault and battery.’ I mean, come on, I just came back from the dead and I know that still! Jeez, man.” Mia shrugged.
“You’re really not making a good case for yourself, Mr. Payne…” The Judge stated. “Well, based on the evidence we have, I do believe you have motive for killing at least Spark Brushel and his father. But-”
“But!! Yes, there is a but! And I’m not talking about my tushy!” Winston sneered. “Don’t you remember? This trial is for the murder of Mike Meekins! Not for those Brush-men. I mean, if you want to charge me for that, go ahead! But last I checked… You need a prosecutor for those! And… There’s no proof I did it at all. So, let’s leave that aside. I mean, why did you fools even bring that up? To waste our precious time? HAH! Don’t make me laugh. You know what they say, about the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick Maker! But they’re not relevant right now! It’s only about the proverbial Candlestick Maker! And that man… Is Mike Meekins! God. Much like making candles, this trial… Is a hot mess!”
“But… What do they stay about the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick Maker?!” Apollo asked. Phoenix ignored this, leaving Apollo confused for minutes on end.
“Yes, sure.” Phoenix said. “We know that this is a trial about Mike Meekins. But you see, to prove you killed the Brushels proves that you sir, are a psycho killer. Which means that potentially you could have killed Mike Meekins.”
“Okay, but only potentially!” Winston responded. “What does that have to do with making candles?! I mean, shit, sorry. Got mixed up with my nursery rhyme allegories. What does it have to do with anything!? I mean, are you saying… That there may be a link between motives?! My killing-I mean… The potential of my killings of the Brushels. If I did it, and say that my motives were true? How is Mike Meekins connected at all?! It’s not mentioned anywhere at all! He wasn’t even old enough at the time! I only met him at the mall-”
“Wait, wait wait wait.” Mia interrupted. “So you did just admit that you met the victim at one point.” Hearing this made Winston’s back pulsate again.
“Shit!! I mean, yes. I admit, I did meet the Meekins at some point.” Winston frantically responded. “Okay, sure, but how does that prove I killed him?!”
“It doesn’t… Yet.” Mia said, crossing her arms. “You pointed out that there may be a link between motives. Let’s assume, for a second, that everyone you’ve vowed revenge on has done something to you in some manner. Now, this makes the motives for both of the Brushels easy. The father experimented on you. The son? Bullied you. Now, Mike Meekins, the proverbial Holy Spirit…”
“A detestable creature, might I add…” Winston snarked under his breath.
“AHEM.” Mia coughed in irritation from being interrupted. “Has Mr. Meekins, sorry, Sir Meekins, has he done anything to wrong you?”
Winston tensed up, and his back pulsated once more. “No.” Winston said, sternly. “Never ever, for ever never.” All of a sudden…
“OBJECTION!!” A voice came from the gallery. The audience began to turn their heads and murmur. The gavel slammed down.
“Order! Who is it!?” The Judge asked, looking around.
“Me, your honor. Miles Edgeworth.” It was… Miles Edgeworth?! As he said this, Gumshoe played Great Revival ~ Miles Edgeworth on his Samsung Galaxy J3. Edgeworth walked down and jumped down from the ten-foot high gallery, sticking the landing perfectly and bowing. “I have… Some anecdotal evidence.” Everyone gasped. Even Winston.
“Anecdotal evidence?! Ho ho, that’s some risky business right there!” The Judge laughed. “I love that movie. My favorite from 1983.”
“I know, I know. It’s risky, but if you allow me to testify, I feel as if this can add greatly to the proceedings.” Edgeworth said. “And besides… Would I, the great Miles Edgeworth tell a lie? Of course not. Not after the Von Karma trials, at least. I lied then, but that was because of deep-seated psychological torment. I’m doing better now! And I got glasses. Now I can see slightly better. And I hit the gym a bit. I got a six pack going on! It’s very cool. I’d show you all, but that’d be too distracting. Haha. So anyways, Can I testify, Your Honor?”
The Judge with a swift swing of the gavel allowed it. “Of course, Mr. Edgeworth. I respect you enough. Although it’s sudden, if it can get this shitshow of a trial moving along, I will gladly hear what you have to say.”
-WITNESS TESTIMONY: MILES EDGEWORTH-
“Well, it was after the first day of the trial. We were leaving the room, and I remembered something. Something that I found. When Mr. Payne had left the Prosecution, I, of course, went to clean his admittedly small office. It was full of dust and dirt, and a box of condoms. They were old, but unused. Probably because he ain’t getting some! Haha. Anyways. Seriously, Winston. Go get some pussy, you’ll feel better. Or ass, if you’re an ass-man. Or dick, if you’re gay! And ass, but on a man! Comes with the program. Anyways. I discovered an old diary, belonging to his daughter Penny… Once. At first, I was convinced it was just a diary of this young girl’s day to day life. But as I read more… I noticed some disturbing material. Hatred. Yes, Hatred. Evil words scrawled across the pages like a madman. Now, you want a motive against Mike Meekins? A reason he wronged him? The words… “Mike Meekins kicked me in the balls!” were etched into a page. Why did Mr. Meekins kick Payne in the balls? We may never know. Tourettes, I think. But we don’t know. Now, thinking that Mr. Payne vows revenge against anyone who wronged him, is there any greater wrong-doing than a kick to the nuts from a fellow man? Truly, the most shame and humiliation a man can face in his entire life. Well… I’m sure there’s worse. There is, but that’s neither here nor there. Now, to make matters even more interesting… Mr. Payne noticed that I had such a diary. He snatched it from my hand, claiming it was his. However, Prosecutor’s Office policy states that if you leave? Whatever’s in the office belongs to the higher-ups. Namely, chief prosecutor, such as me. I’m that. Now, what did he do? He set it on fire before mine very eyes, and threw it in the trash can! That’s where the smoke detectors went off, and we all had to evacuate. It seems pretty suspicious if you ask me.”
“Oho!” The Judge said, eyes widened. “This sure is interesting testimony! I say we get right to the cross-examination, how about you defense?!”
-CROSS EXAMINATION: MILES EDGEWORTH-
“Sure, your Honor. I don’t have much to cross-examine though.” Phoenix said, hands on his hips. “See, I was there! In fact, many of the people in this gallery were there! Everyone? Please, say your name and stand up!”
“My name is Dick Gumshoe, and I was there! I saw it, Pal!”
“My name is Ema Skye! I was there too! I experienced it first-hand!”
“My name is Apollo Justice! And I’m fine-I mean. I was there too!”
“My name is Trucy Wright! You probably all know that by now. But I was there too!”
“Name’s Klavier Gavin. I wasn’t there, but I did see the contents of the diary right after Herr Edgeworth found it. I caught it with my teeth! It totally said Mike Meekins kicked him in the balls, dude. And that he hates a bunch of people.”
“Would we be making this up if we didn’t have so many people to corroborate this?” Phoenix said, looking at the Judge, hopefully. The Judge was quite shocked by the admissions of so many people in the audience. It truly did seem like Winston did have a motive to kill Mike Meekins. Winston was silent. Dead silent. But you could see the tension in him, his back hunched like a hunchback. (But not the friendly kind, such as one in Notre Dame).
“Mr. Payne…” The Judge said, glancing at Winston.
“Hah… Grrrr… Haaaarrggghhh… Hah. Haha. Hahahha. HEHEHEHEHE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! GAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAHA! HOHO! HEH! HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!” Winston screamed, laughing like a maniacal man (of mania)! Just then, without any warning, a gigantic metal appendage erupted from his back, like an alien baby, ripping through his shirt.
“Whoa… Whoa.” Mia said, grossed out. Everyone looked at it in shock.
“Gee whiz…” Apollo said.
“What the hell… It can’t be!” Phoenix gasped.
“Wh-whuh… What is that?!” Daryan gasped, as Ema and him both held each other in fear. They quickly realized what was happening, causing Daryan to smirk, but Ema to frown. She quickly pushed him away, and scooted away from him a few feet.
“Damn. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed!” Diego said to himself, in shock. (He was, in fact, still here in court. We didn’t forget, we promise.) Suddenly, the gallery began to frantically mutter and turn their heads. This time, but quicker. The gavel slammed down once more.
“O-Order. Order!! Mr. Payne, what is the meaning of this!? Is that a weapon?”
“Hehehee…” Winston giggled. “This is no weapon. It’s an arm. I took it from the lab. You know why? That was my revenge. When the lab fire happened, I figured I’d get my revenge by taking their secret project! It didn’t have a name, though… So I called it… Metal Gear P.A.Y.N.E. Hahahahaaa!!! It stands for…
Prosecutorial
Arm
Yes!
Nuclear
Explosivo
“I think it sounds cool! How about you all!?” Payne asked, genuinely. Everyone was dumbfounded, and had no response. “What? Come on, it’s cool! Anyways, you know why I brought this baby out? You know why I finally did it?!” Everyone was silent.
“Fine, someone’s gotta say it!” Edgeworth said, snarkily. “Why did you finally do it, Payne?”
“Because… Heh. Because… Heh heh. Because…! Heh heh heh. (rule of threes) I have three reasons! (rule of threes again) Firstly, to prove something. My revenge towards the Brushels was not to kill, but to gain! To gain from their loss! So says I, Winston Payne. Secondly, it is pretty cool! So says I, Winston Payne. And finally, the final point. You all pushed me to my limit. This is my ultimate secret form. My form when I’m really feeling it! When I must prosecute to my fullest potential! I’m done being badgered!” Winston said, moving the arm around. “This time…” He pointed the sharp metal finger at the defense. “It’s my turn to be on the offensive!! So says I, Winston Payne.” [rule of threes, three times (rule of threes.)]
“Well, the defense still holds the notion that you did indeed have a motive to kill Meekins. Whether or not you killed the Brushels doesn’t matter right now. We still think you did it, to cover up your tracks, just as you did with the book. Do you have an explanation for that?!” Phoenix said, becoming more stern, seemingly unintimidated by Winston’s bullshit.
“Why did I burn the book?! It was an accident! I did say ‘Oopie!’ after all. That indicates it was indeed an accident. People don’t say oopie on purpose!!” Winston said, crossing his arm (metal). “So there.”
The Judge slammed his gavel down thrice. “Well. This is certainly an interesting turn of events. I would like to call a recess. Things are getting a bit feisty, and we must return to a more rational court before we get to solving things. Mr. Payne, I am suspicious about your so-called ‘accident.’ That’s all I have to say about that. So, yes indeed. Defense, prosecution, when we return, make sure you have a good case for each of your sides. And, Mr. Payne… Don’t do anything dangerous with that arm, will you? It’s only for prosecuting in this court! And with that…” And with that, the Judge slammed his mighty gavel down once more. “Court is now… In recess!”
Chapter 32: The Trials of Trucy Wright: Day Three: Trial Latter
Summary:
This is it- The Third Act of the trial! The Wright Anything Agency makes its final stand against the evil prosecutor, Winston Payne. The limits of these lawyers will be tested, and all will converge into the epic conclusion of this desperate struggle. Who will win? Who will lose? Will Trucy be proven innocent? Find out now, in this chapter - In the climax of Part II: The Payneful Turnabout!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
March 30th, 12:45 PM
District Court
Defense Lobby
Back in the Defense Lobby, all three of our heroes and Trucy were shocked. They had no idea what just happened.
“What just happened?!” asked Apollo, in a rather frantic manner.
“I don’t fucking know!” Phoenix said pacing (crutch-style) back and forth. “I’m just… So baffled right now. I don’t even know what to say.”
“WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! I’m gonna fucking die!!!” Trucy sobbed profusely. Apollo ran up to her and sobbed with her.
“WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Trucy’s gonna fucking die!!” Apollo sobbed, tears flying out of his eyes in all directions.
“C-calm down everyone!” Mia said, trying to be the voice of reason, like many female characters in a sitcom. Such as Elaine (of Seinfeld fame) or those forgettable girls from the Big Bang Theory, that we don’t know the name of. Aren’t they like… Becky and Berenice or something? We don’t know. We know there’s Penny (and not the Nichols kind). Anyways. Mia continued; “I-Listen. I know we’re getting nowhere, and things look bleak, but… Um. Well. We can do it. I think?”
“That didn’t help at all!!!” Trucy continued to sob.
“I know it didn’t, but this old codger just shot a metal arm out of his back!” Mia said, emphasizing each word with arm motions. “I wasn’t expecting my first trial back in the realm of the living to be this!! I mean, what the fuck. Like… First my boyfriend nearly dies, then I get killed, then I get channeled into the body of my sister, then an eight year old, and now I’m coming back to see some old balding creature pull these shenanigans? Sheesh! Do I ever pull a break?”
Just then, Edgeworth and Gumshoe busted into the room. “Bad news, Pal!!” Gumshoe screamed, the impact of his boots shaking the room with each step.
“Wh-What is it?!” Phoenix asked, tense as ever. “Oh, we can hear you by the way. No need to scream.”
“Buh-The buhh… Buh. St-sto… Buh-He… Uh… Shit, pal, this is b-bad!! And then he… Uh… Buh-buh!!! The video!! The v-video-”
“I’ll take it from here, Dick.” Edgeworth said, holding a hand towards Gumshoe’s face, whilst walking in front of him. “Listen… We were just chilling in the gallery, I was finishing my Bugles, and we saw that Evil Bailiff guy stealing the video tape!!”
“WHAAAAAAAT?!” the Defense and Trucy eek’d in questioning.
“I know, I know. It’s bad. Real bad. Kooky, even. But, don’t you fret… Me and Gumshoe here? We-Well… I have a plan. We’re going to go chase him! We saw him in the lobby, towards the prosecutor’s area. Luckily, I always have access to it! Because I’m the number one Prosecutor in this city. Maybe ever! Hah, wouldn’t that be great!” Edgeworth said, stroking his own ego.
“O-Uh… Okay?” Phoenix responded. “Y-You get to it, buddy.”
“Yes, yes. When I see that man… I’m going to bash his head straight down like a Bop-It.You just… Do what you’re famous for for like, fifteen minutes. Bluff. Bluff to your heart’s content!! You can do it, Wright!! I believe in you!” Edgeworth said, giving Phoenix a nice pat on the back. Then, as quickly as he came, he ran off into the distance of the court, Gumshoe lumbering behind.
“Well… Shit. There goes my plan.” Mia sighed, shaking her head. “Oh… I hope that little twink and his bear friend get it back soon. I guess we’ll do what he said and bluff for a while, huh?”
“We have no choice…” Phoenix responded.
“We have no choice…” Apollo responded.
“Yo’ have no choice, ‘cause I don’t wanna die!” Trucy said in a gangster fashion. Everyone could tell she was passionate. And to these words, it hit Phoenix. Gone were his former feelings of pain, sorrow, and fear. Soon, ignited a fire in his heart. A fire that brought back the same motivation he had in prior cases that were of importance. Farewell, My Turnabout. Bridge to the Turnabout. Even Turnabout Succession, where things of great importance happened. But this? This was beyond all that. This was Trucy. His daughter. And he wasn’t about to let her die.
“Yeah… Yeah. I don’t want you to die either, Trucy.” Phoenix said. “Nobody here does. And that… That’s all the motivation we need!! Fuck being all mopey! Fuck crying!! We got this!” Apollo made a vocalization in agreement.
“Yeah. Y’know what? Maybe this being my first trial back isn’t so bad after all.” Mia said, breaking a smile. “I mean… I’ve got you, Phoenix… And you, Red boy… And you guys did summon me here just for this. So maybe it was fate. I mean, I guess it was decided for me that I’d come back. None of you even let me know. Real cool, guys. Anyways. Let’s go bluff the fuck out of this four-eyed freak!”
“Yeah!! I… I’m gonna do my best!” Apollo said, jumping up and down, not having much to add to this motivational conversation. However, Trucy found it all the more encouraging. Just then, the bell of notifications rang from the courtroom, signaling for them to head back.
“Welp, that’s our cue. You gonna be okay, ‘Truce?” Phoenix asked. She nodded, tears in her eyes and a slight smile, with an “Unh!” sound to signify that she is saying yes, like in anime. Phoenix nodded back, and began to crutch-walk himself back through the doors. The other two followed behind.
March 31st, 12:51 P.M.
District Court
Courtroom No. 7
The gavel slammed down thrice more. “Court, once again, is now back in session… Again.” The Judge said. “No more recesses this time, for time is running short! I mean… Well, we do have many hours. But I would like to go home soon, my wife is baking a chicken parm, I’m hungry, and… I feel as if everyone here deserves to see a verdict, and soon. Not to say I’m rushing you! But… Please. Nobody wants cold chicken parm. But wait… Where is the prosecution?”
Just then, out of nowhere, from the ceiling, Winston, hanging onto one of the rafters with his metallic arm. “Here…!” He then dropped down into the gallery, arm facing outward. Everyone started to scream as he began to get near the benches, and ran from that area. He bounced off the bench, using the force of his arm, and did a cool flip down onto the area behind the counter. “Winston Payne is on the scene!” He yelled, pointing his cold metal finger at the other side of the gallery, while turned to this side, arms crossed, looking over at them. “And I’m ready to kil-I mean… Kill it at the prosecution!!” The Judge merely sighed.
“Yes, yes… I get it with the entrances… But you know, I would like to get home with my dinner!”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. We all have our hot plates we’d like to get to, but you know what else I’d like to get to? The truth! And the truth is, Trucy-not Truthy, is a guilty Guinivere!” Winston said, this time patting his head with the metal arm. “Ouchies! These fingers are spiky.”
“Um… Er. Mr. Payne. Are you sure that thing is safe?” The Judge asked.
“Yes! As safe as my mother’s cradling arms! Not that I know her…” Winston responded. “Instead of being cradled by her they just shoved me in one of those baby incubators. I was quite lonely, once.”
“Er… Yes, that’s very nice, Mr. Payne. Anyways…-”
“But yes!! I do say that this arm is merely for prosecuting! See, it helps me hold paper! And also looks cool and intimidates the defense! No weaponry here. Not like it’s strong enough to pierce through flesh, or even grab things that normally would not be able to pierce through flesh but manage to do so with its sheer multi-horsepower force! Nosir-ee Bob.” Winston said, proudly.
“Yes, yes. That’s VERY nice, and cool and all. Anyways…-
“AND…!” Payne said once more, being interrupted by the gavel.
“ENOUGH!!!” The Judge yelled. “Mr. Payne, will you shut the fuck up for five seconds!? Jesus Christ, this is why my chicken parm will be cold later! Anyways, is the defense ready!?”
“Y-Yes your Honor!” Phoenix coughed. “We’ve uh… Been standing here for a little while. We’re all ready.”
“Great, great. Anyways… Let’s pick up where we left off. Where did we leave off…Defense, can you give us a little recap? Catch us up to speed, why don’t you?” The Judge asked.
“Of course, your honor…” Phoenix began. “So, before recess, as we know, we’ve established that Payne is indeed the same person from the Les Auchis Terribles project. But while we do not have any way of linking him to the murders of the doctor as well as Spark Brushel, we did just receive testimony from Mr. Edgeworth regarding the journal that was burnt. We feel, just as you do, that this testimony is indeed trustworthy. I assume that the gallery here does as well?”
The gallery nodded in unison. “Yeah bro!! Like I said, I saw that book! It had my tooth marks in it!! Mine!!” Klavier yelled. “That shit’d be worth THOUSANDS on the market, bro!! Trust me, I’m worth a lot of money. Why’d you go and do that, old dude? Fuck…”
“Yeah, anyways.” Phoenix said. “So, Mr. Judge…” Phoenix said in a sassy manner. “Would you say that a motive has indeed been established?”
“Oh, yes I would indeed say that.” The Judge said. Winston, hearing this began to start tapping on the counter with his metal finger. It was making tiny holes in the smooth mahogany finish. When the Judge sees that, he’s going to be furious! Old men sure love their mahogany.
“Great, great. So now that that’s established, I think it’s fair to move onto other discussions.” Phoenix said.
“Like what?” Winston said, wiggling his eyebrows about, madly. Everyone found this unsettling and rather gross, especially the way it made his wrinkles move about.
“Like…” Phoenix began. “How suspicious it is that your adoptive father and brother just so happened to die in the last few days. And how they were both linked to this-”
“Oh objection!” Winston said, in a very annoyed manner. “You’re just trying to bluff your way to buy some time!” Phoenix was, in fact, trying to bluff. “We already said that those two have nothing to do with this! This is about Mike Meekins!”
“Well… Uh…” Phoenix began to smile in the way he does when he’s been caught bluffing.
“If you don’t have anything to say, why don’t we reach a verdict? Don’t you want your dinner?” Winston asked.
“Yes, that sounds agreeable! Mmm… Chicken parm…” The Judge said, slightly drooling in hunger and excitement for Mrs. Judge’s delicious and scrumptious chicken parmesan.
“Uh… Um… Uh, duh… Shit. Well… Why don’t we wait a minute?” Phoenix asked. “Just… Y’know. Want to do a little discussion. And I want to cover all ground. Like, for starters…” Phoenix turned to face Mia and Apollo. He was sweating buckets of sweat.
“Your Honor, I do think that this case isn’t ready to be finished yet. I believe it’s the Defense’s right to say everything that we need to say. After all, isn’t the most important thing here upholding the law?”
The Judge looked at Payne, who’s point was valid- The chicken parm was going to be delicious, and he did want it. Suddenly, a little devil version of the Judge appeared on his left shoulder, and a small angel appeared on his right one.
“Chicken Parm!!” The Devil Judge, holding his spiky gavel snickered evilly.
“But Ezekiel!!” The Angel Judge called out. “Isn’t the law the most important part of your career? Your life?!” The Judge stroked his chin.
“Hmm… This is a toughie!” he said.
“Chicken Parm…!” The devil beckoned.
“The Law! Justice!” The angel said back.
“Chicken… Parm…!”
“Goodness! Justice! Law!!”
“Alright, fine, fine!! I made up my mind!” The Judge said, waving his arms in such a manner that the angel and devil Judges turned to dust. “I choose… The Law! I choose honor! It is the most important meal-I mean thing of the day, after all! Defense, tell us what you must!” Winston waved his metal arm in the shape of a fist in the air.
“Why I oughta…!” Payne grumbled.
“Yes, gladly Your Honor!” Phoenix said, holding up pieces of paper, hiding a big smirk on his face behind him. “To begin, let’s start at…”
MEANWHILE…
March 31st, 12:53 P.M
District Court
Lobby
Edgeworth and Gumshoe dashed into the lobby, looking around back and forth for any sign of Evil (and mysterious) Bailiff. “Damn. Where is that Evil Bailiff?!” Edgeworth exclaimed in anger and frustration.
“I dunno pal!” Gumshoe bellowed. “But I’ll get ‘em!” he said, pulling out the revolver from the chase scene only a day prior.
“Jesus Christ, you don’t need to go that far!” Edgeworth said to the detective. “And why did you take it out of the glove compartment?! It’s supposed to stay in the Scarlet Alfa Romeo GTV, specifically for chase scenes! We took the Ruby-red Alfa Romeo GTV today, you fool! Make sure you put it back when we get home.” He scolded, arms crossed.
“Sorry, Mr. Edgeworth…” Gumshoe said, rubbing the back of his head with his hand. “I was really excited, pal… I wanted to be Dick Gum-shoot again!” Edgeworth groaned at hearing this. However, deep down, he thought that ‘Detective Dick Gum-shoot’ was a clever and funny name, but in a time like this? There was no time for funny. Only business. Just then, from the shadows of the lobby, emerged Evil Bailiff, tip-toeing in a cartoon-like manner, each leg exaggeratedly extending outward, much further than necessary. In fact, so much so that he tripped.
“Sh-Shit!!” Evil Bailiff grunted, falling down, the videotape click-clacking across the cold tiles of the courthouse.
“I got it!!” Gumshoe yelled, lunging towards the tape, landing onto the very nice marble floors and sliding across it. But just as he was about to grab it, Evil Bailiff stuck out his leg and kicked it across the lobby. “Fuck, Pal!!” Gumshoe yelled. “I thought I had it!!” He had trouble getting up, due to his large size. Edgeworth quickly helped him up, but in that time, Evil Bailiff had already gotten up, grabbed the tape, and ran down the halls.
“Damn. He got away!” Edgeworth gritted his teeth. “Come on Gummy! Let’s go. We’ll surround him. I’ve been down this hallway many times, it’s the one with the good snack machines- The ones with the Bugles!! You take the left, I’ll take the right!” Gumshoe saluted him, and made a mad dash to the left. Edgeworth took to the right, running down the hall. There were some lawyers there, doing lawyer things, such as talking about cases, and betting on the races.
“Gee, Jimmy! I think Ol’ Scamper is gonna win this one today!!” One of the lawyers said.
“Nah, nah! It’s gonna be Lard Biscuit! She’s a runner, that one!” Jimmy said back. “I think I’m gonna win it b-WHOA!!”
Just then, Edgeworth barreled through and pushed the two aside, causing them to fall on their tushies. “Sorry, sorry!! Go back to your business, lads!!” Edgeworth said, continuing down the hall. The two lawyers- Jimmy, and the other guy were very confused. Edgeworth turned the corner, seeing Evil Bailiff. “Gotcha!!” he yelled, barreling towards him. Gumshoe, on the other side did the same. However, Evil Bailiff managed to make his way into an entrance to a new hallway in the middle of this one, one Edgeworth promptly forgot about. However, Edgeworth and Gumshoe were going too fast and crashed into one another.
“YEEEEOOOWCH, PAL!!” Gumshoe yelled, even though it wasn’t much of an impact at all. Edgeworth was sent flying back somewhat from Gumshoe’s big ol’ stomach. He landed on the floor, and jumped back up.
“Blast!! I forgot about the hallway over here! The hallway of doors!” He looked Gumshoe dead in the eye, and said; “This one’s going to be tricky, Dicky. But we can do it! Stay vigilant!” Gumshoe was made further vigilant by these words.
“You got it, Pal!! Let’s go!” he yelled, as the two, side-by-side, dashed into the hallway full of doors. There were six doors, in fact- Three on each side. Just then, Evil Bailiff emerged from one of them, pulling his eyelid down, sticking his tongue out.
“Bllleeeeeeehhhh!!! Catch me if you can! Heh heh.” he chuckled, darkly.
“That motherfucker!!” Edgeworth swore. “I don’t usually use that word, but this man is one! And it’s ticking me off. Gummy! Play the one song. You know the one.”
“Which one?” he asked, frantically.
“You know the one!! The song that always plays in those… Door-chase-sequences from that one Dooby Scoo show!!” Edgeworth said. “It’s very important you play this!!”
“Ohhhh! The Benny Hill theme! You got it, boss!” Gumshoe laughed, whipping out his Samsung Galaxy J3, and going onto Youtube. It was taking a while to load. “Uhhh… Damn. This 4G isn’t working too good, pal. Oh…? Oh!!! Oh wait, there we go. It’s working now.” The song, indeed, began to play.
“Good! Now we can finally do a proper chase sequence! Let’s go!! Evil Bailiff… We’re coming for you!” Edgeworth announced.
As the music started, Edgeworth and Gumshoe sprinted through different doors. Through the duration of the two minute song, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, and Evil Bailiff ran through the various doors in the hallway. Somehow all the doors were connected to each other and the main hallway. At one point, they all stepped out of different doors at the same time. For a few seconds they all stared blankly at each other, and then promptly went back into the doors from which they came.
“Blast!! This is getting nowhere!!” Edgeworth yelled from one of the small meeting rooms he was in. He then ran back out into the hallway, and noticed Gumshoe waving at him to go into the room he was in. Edgeworth dashed into there.
“What is it, Gummy!?” Edgeworth asked, beads of sweat rolling down his face, his hair, and other parts of his body. He looked around the room full of bookshelves, but to no avail. “...What? It’s just a seemingly ordinary office room.” Gumshoe slowly turned his head back, looking into the room, and suddenly, an expression of shock showed on his face, his hair, and even his jacket.
“Wh-wh-wh-what!?” Gumshoe yelled. “He-he was just there!! I saw him, Pal!!!”
“Hmm… Strange indeed…” Edgeworth tapped his finger on his one crossed arm. “I trust you, but… How did he get out of here? There’s no windows…”
“I don’t know!!” Gumshoe said, looking around.
“Hmm… No…” Edgeworth thought for a hard minute. “It… It cannot be. Was what Ms. Skye said… Could that be possible in real life? In this courthouse, no less?” he said, looking around at the shelves for anything even remotely suspicious. There was, indeed, one thing: an interesting looking manga on the shelf. “What the… What the fuck is Keijo?” Edgeworth asked. “And why is it in this court?” He walked up to it, and looked at the cover. There was an anime girl, most likely a high schooler, with her ass straight out in the focus of the frame. “Eeuuughh…” Edgeworth groaned, throwing it behind him. Suddenly, to his surprise, there was a secret button in the shelf!
“Oh, shit. That’s a button. It’s red. I’ve gotta press it, Pal.” Gumshoe said, allured by the beautiful, red, candy-like button. Whenever he saw one, he had to press it, no matter the cost. This was actually a very concerning mental condition that he suffered from, but Gumshoe, until recently, could not afford to see a psychiatrist. So he just chose to ignore it.
“I keep telling you, Gummy! Go get that checked out! Your attraction to red buttons is highly concerning to me, and your health. We don’t know what that button c-”
Gumshoe pressed the button. “Boop! Hahaha! I love when it does that!” he laughed, very entertained by the press of the button. It buzzed, and suddenly, the shelf began to rumble, shifting itself to the left, unveiling a secret door to a secret passage. It looked pretty dingy and dusty, but using the process of elimination, it was the only place Evil Bailiff could have gone through.
“See!? Pressing buttons is good!! It worked fine, Mr. Edgeworth!” Gumshoe laughed.
“I… I can’t believe this. You know what else I can’t believe? How we missed him doing that. I mean… Shit. That was loud! How did you not notice, Dick?”
“Probably ‘cause I’ve got earplugs in, Pal!!” Gumshoe yelled, turning his head to the side to show Edgeworth his ears. It all made sense why he had been yelling so much this entire time.
“Wh-why?!” Edgeworth asked, arms out in disbelief.
“Well… Don’t wanna hurt my ears if I hafta shoot this thing! Haha!!” Gumshoe laughed so loudly that it shook the bookshelves.
“Well… Uh… Fuck it, let’s keep moving. And take those plugs out of your ears!!” Edgeworth said, entering the secret hallway.
The secret hallway was a rather interesting one indeed. It looked just as if it were a catacomb from medieval times. Bricks lain about, creavases in the wall, alcoves, and torches, that were inexplicably lit. “Hmm… Must have a gas line keeping those lit, or something. They really went all out with the decor, huh…” Edgeworth said, suddenly stepping on something that cracked. “What the-?!” He looked down, and there was a real human skeleton (In fragments of course), the skull he just stepped on now in pieces. “I… Oopsie… Don’t know why that’s there, but okay.”
“No time for lookin’ at bones, Mr. Edgeworth! We gotta move!” Gumshoe said, seemingly unfazed by the real, actual, 100% legitimate human skeleton beneath them.
“Yes, yes… It does make me wonder what secrets this court holds, but… We carry on!” Edgeworth announced, marching down the stairs.
The catacomb continued like this for a while. There was even a bat in there! Maybe even two, but you don’t want to know about that. Nonetheless, they made their way to the bottom of the stairs. There was naught but some torches, and a strange looking metal plate blocking the brick-built doorway. Gumshoe rammed his massive shoulders into it. “UUUGGGHHH!!! No dice, pal…” He grunted. Edgeworth had no clue why Gumshoe’s first instinct was to ram himself into it.
“Um… Well, there is a very obvious protruding brick there. And read that note above it!” Edgeworth pointed. The note read: “PUSH THIS BRICK TO GET TO THE 1F HALLWAY. I GOT STUCK IN HERE ONCE. IT TOOK ME HOURS, SCARY! SO PUSH IT IF YOU ARE STUCK. -Judge.”
“Do ya think we should push it?” Gumshoe asked. Edgeworth nodded at his friend. “B-but… It’s not red! Or button-like! It’s kinda scary looking. Oh, geez, Pal...Whatever will I d-”
“Just push the goddamn brick, Dick!!” Edgeworth scolded.
“Fine…” Gumshoe said, very sad that the brick was not either red-colored, or button-shaped. Or both. He pushed it in, and suddenly, the metal plate moved to the side. It was in fact, a vending machine, the two came to notice as they walked out into the familiar hallway. The first floor hallway, where nearby, not one hour ago, Gaspen Payne had lost his life in a tragic (yet very hilarious) manner. Edgeworth walked out and looked around.
“Hmmm… Now where would a little rat like him hide?” he continued to look around and then he thought of something: “The bathroom!”
“Don’t worry Pal! I’ll scout it out! You just wait here and keep watch!” Gumshoe announced, making his way into the nearest men’s bathroom.
“Don’t be too hasty, Dick…” Edgeworth said with a tinge of concern.
As he barged through the door, Gumshoe held out his trusty Gun-shoe (Even though it’s Edgeworth’s) and screamed; “Hands up, fucker!” as he noticed a stall with shoes sitting plain on the floor. He kicked the stall open so hard that the door flew off. In there, was none other than… Larry Butz?!
“Zoinks!” Larry yipped, while taking a massive, huge, incredible shit.
“Oh… uh… Sorry, Pal,” Gumshoe said as a large sheen of blush spread across his face. He shamefully picked up the stall door and tried to put it back on its hinges, but to no avail. Larry was too in shock to say anything of this. After a while, Gumshoe gave up and just sort of leaned it onto the door frame as best he could. Edgeworth just sighed, walking into the bathroom, beginning to peer at the other stalls.
“Oh, Gummy… I told you not to be so hasty… I love you, but sometimes... “ he sighed, continuing to look around. He saw another pair of shoes underneath the very last stall in the bathroom, and motioned for Gumshoe to do the same thing he did to Larry’s door.
“B-but, won’t that cause property damage?” Gumshoe asked.
“You already did it once! What’s the issue now?! And besides… I’m rich. Who gives a shit what we do, I can just buy our way out of anything! Hahaha…” Edgeworth laughed. Gumshoe thought Miles was very smart, and promptly kicked the door down, pointing the gun into the stall. There they saw Evil Bailiff standing on top of the toilet, struggling to unscrew the vent on the ceiling to make his way in there. He noticed, and blinked three times in silence at them. (Though the blinks made a very distinct bwoink-bwoink-bwoink sound.”
“That guy has loud eyelids!” Gumshoe exclaimed to nobody in particular.
“I… Uh… Shit! Gotta skedoodle!” Evil Bailiff yelled, getting down onto the floor in one swift motion, sliding between Gumshoe’s very spread-apart legs (he had a weird stance, likely to intimidate, but it didn’t work very well). Evil Bailiff made his way out the door into the main hall of the court.
“Chase that man!!” Edgeworth yelled, as Larry walked out of the stall, finally done taking his shit.
“H-huh? You say something, Edgey?” Larry asked.
“Ugh… Not you! You know what? No. Yes you. Help us! Chase that Evil Bailiff who’s getting away!”
“O-Okay!!” Larry agreed, instantly having no qualms to this. He ran as fast as he could, with Edgeworth and Gumshoe doing the same. As they dashed out into the lobby, going into the hallway on the other side. Evil Bailiff looked behind him to see the three men running towards him, and did a little butt-spank taunt.
“Catch me if you can, Gingerbread Man!!” he yelled.
“Catch him!!” Edgeworth yelled, once again, running towards him. Evil Bailiff took off.
“You’re not gonna get away, Pal!!” Gumshoe announced, also running towards the Bailiff.
“I’m here too!!” Larry yelled, also running.
“Heh heh heh heh!! Fools, you’ll never catch m-GRRRK!” Just then, in the middle of his sentence, Evil Bailiff had managed to step on the rake-side of a rake. It swiftly swung into the air, smacking him smack-dab in the middle of the head, causing him to fall over and get knocked out instantly.
“O... Okay.” Edgeworth huffed, out of breath from all the running.
“That was easy!” Larry said, hands on his hips, proud of himself, not knowing the hardships prior.
“Oh, you don’t even know…” Miles sighed. “Gumshoe! Rope!! You know what to do.” Gumshoe nodded, and pulled the emergency rope he always carried in his large jacket and promptly tied up Evil Bailiff. He took quite a bit though, a good five minutes to get him tied (Gumshoe was never good with knots.) By this time, Evil Bailiff had come to once again.
“Hhhuhh… Where am I?” he looked down, and blinked a few times, noticing the rope. “...Shit.”
“Well! We got him!” Gumshoe announced. “Time to see who you really are!” he said, promptly pulling off his hat, expecting it to be an established character from the Ace Attorney franchise. It was…
“Who’s this guy?” Gumshoe asked, somewhat disappointedly.
“I… Uh. Have no idea who this man is supposed to be.” Edgeworth said, also slightly disappointed. Larry was there too, twiddling his thumbs.
“My name is Denny!! You assholes…” Denny (formerly known as Evil Bailiff) spat at them.
“Shut up!” Edgeworth said as he grabbed the gun that Gumshoe had been holding, using the back of it to smack Denny once more across the head, knocking him out. “Aaand… I’ll be taking this!” Edgeworth said, in a sing-song manner as he fished the videotape out of Evil Bailiff’s pocket.
“We did it, Pal!!” Gumshoe cheered, giving Miles a hug. Edgeworth smiled back.
“Yes! But don’t celebrate too soon. Remember, this is only one part of this puzzle. First, we must get it back to Wright. Speaking of, let’s do that… He can only bluff for so long…” He said getting up off his knees, pocketing the tape.
“Yeah, uh… But what about that guy?” Gumshoe asked, pointing at Denny.
“Eh, he’ll be fine. Leave him. I don’t think Wright’s daughter appreciated him breathing down her neck anyways…” Edgeworth muttered. “Let’s go!” he said, as him and Gumshoe (Oh yeah, and Larry too. We forgot. He didn’t contribute much, though) all walked back to Courtroom No. 7.
March 31st, 1:05 P.M.
District Court
Courtroom No. 7
“And that’s why…” Phoenix began. “That’s why Winston Payne’s left shoulder is slightly uneven. Which has everything to do with this murder!! I mean, only a stab like that, in the video which… We can’t show right now-”
“OBJECTION!” Winston half-heartedly objected. “I’m right-handed you dunce!”
“Okay, but how do we know that the video footage isn’t actually mirrored? Or whatever.” Phoenix said. Mia was rubbing her temples.
“Ugh…” she said. “I’m getting a migraine…”
“You’re telling me. When’s Mr. Edgeworth getting back?” Apollo pouted, sticking his lower lip out, like a puppy who was denied a treat due to shitting on the floor. As they say; bad dog.
“Well. You know what I think?” Phoenix pointed. “I think you stabbed the guy with your left hand to subvert expectations! Yeah. See, when you stab someone, you usually stab them with your dominant hand. And, uh…” Phoenix said, pulling out his phone googling hand statistics; “70 to 95% of the population is right-handed! And you claim you are as such? Then it’s obvious. YOU stabbed Mike Meekins with your left hand!”
“70 to 95% chance!” Apollo piped up. Mia thumped her head on the counter.
“That isn’t how statistics work…” Mia said, head firmly on the counter, her voice quivering as tears began welling up.
A shuffling from the audience up above was heard. Suddenly, and just then, at that exact moment, a man leapt down next to Mia. It was… Diego Armando!? He whispered to her; “The only time a lawyer can cry… Is when it’s all over, kitten.” Mia turned to him and glared.
“That doesn’t help right now!!” she said.
The Judge cleared his throat. “Um… Is anyone going to comment on Mr. Wright pulling out his phone? That is not allowed in court, Mr. Wright.”
“Haha… Sorry, your Honor.” Phoenix said with his head behind his head with a shy smile. And then, Apollo turned, forlornly to his failing boss, and sighed.
“Welp… Looks like we can’t #GirlBoss our way out of this one, Mr. Wright…” Apollo said, dejectedly. Phoenix joined Mia and placing his head on the counter. Apollo, feeling like he had to join his coworkers, did the same.
“Um… What the hell are you people doing?” Winston sneered, pointing his big metal claw at them. “Your Honor, this isn’t going anywhere… Clearly the Defense isn’t putting in any effort. I’d say you just let me win!” he said.
“Well… Yeah… Defense, what have you to say for yourselves?” The Judge asked. Mia shot back up, like a rocket going back into space. (But thankfully, not falling back down and killing thousands of innocent civilians).
“Well, you know what? You know fucking what?” Mia said, angrily.
“Whoa, whoa. Whoa…” The Judge said, shifting his eyes around.
“Language, Missy…!” Winston said. Mia gritted her teeth loudly at him calling her “Missy.”
“We WOULD be getting somewhere if that stupid Bailiff didn’t steal the video tape! Yeah, I said it. I don’t know why nobody’s mentioned it at this point. And you know what ELSE? I think Mr. Payne here put him up to it. Yeah, I said it. Winston gasped and put his two hands at his heart, while looking back and forth.
“Little old meeeeee…?” he said in a questioning way, though you could hear an air of sarcasm in his voice.
“Yes, you! You two have been all buddy-buddy this whole time!” Mia said, frustratedly.
“And that makes you suspect we’re in cahoots how…?” Winston asked, beckoning.
“Well. I mean. We all saw it. You and him gave each other finger-guns right after you snatched that diary right from my hand…” Phoenix said. “He was clearly in on it, helping you with your little trick and all…”
“Well! Grk!!” Winston grunted. “I… I didn’t direct him to turn on the fire alarm! He did as he was told to! I mean, uh. Shit. He did as he was directed to by his courtly duties rulebook! That exists, right Your Honor?” The Honor pondered for a minute.
“Actually, yes, it does!” he said, in response. “But… It does seem rather suspicious that this Bailiff and yourself are so friendly with one another. And that this important video tape is conveniently missing. I mean… Mr. Wright, why did you not just tell us that it was missing? That could have saved us from a lot of your bluffing.”
“Uh… Um. Well… You told us there weren’t to be any more recesses. So actually, that’s on you, buddy.” Phoenix said, smiling. The Judge looked embarrassed.
“Oh. Well, I’m… Uh, I’m sorry, Mr. Wright.” he responded.
“Ah, no worries. We’re cool. Some of those bl-I mean… Questions were important, after all. We did deduce that Winston Payne is indeed right-handed AND as stated prior, has gallbladder issues. These are impertinent to the case.”
“You’re… You’re right, they are impertinent. I don’t see how they have anything to do with anything.” The Judge said in response. Phoenix smacked himself on the forehead, as he meant to say “Important.”
“We’re doomed!!” Apollo cried out.
“Well… See, those questions would have come up anyways! So while we wait for that tape to get back, it was worth getting them out of the way!” Phoenix said, trying to defend his stupid questions.
“So… You’re saying you were just biding for time?” Winston asked. “I mean, we all knew. But you’re admitting it! Wow. This trial really is stupid… I mean, come on! It’s like a pig on a hot day in a hot puddle of mud. Very ineffective as the mud should keep the pig cool! But no, just a hot mess. Seriously, you should have mentioned the fact the video was stolen by my friend! I didn’t put him up to it.”
“Then… Why didn’t you mention it?” Phoenix asked.
“URK! I didn’t know. That’s why.” Winston winced. “But again, why didn’t you mention it until now?!”
“We already established that!! Don’t you ever listen?!” Mia scolded. This actually hurt Winston’s feelings a bit. Why, of all people, Mia Fey has done the most mental damage to this man in recent years was beyond him. But first, his hair, and now his dignity? What could be next? His freedom?
“Um… Should I send out a team to go apprehend this Bailiff, then?” The Judge asked.
“Nah, we got someone on it.” Phoenix said.
“Well… Uh. I don’t know if that’s necessary. I mean, what would that video explain? We already watched it, right? What did it show? Nothing! Nada! Zilch! Zip! Zero! Rei! Null! Cero! Opposite of Bingo! And of course, Nil.” Winston began to sweat. Just then, the door swung open.
“Why so defensive, Prosecutor Payne?” It was… Miles Edgeworth?! (And Gumshoe) There he stood, in the great mahogany doors of the courtroom, holding out the tape valiantly. Gumshoe stood besides him, pistol now concealed. A great golden light shone from behind, illuminating Edgeworth and pal (and Larry, who just got there) in all their glory.
“You…!” Winston pointed, with the metal finger once again (Which seemed to, so far, be its only real function). “Of course you were the one to apprehend it! The great Miles Edgeworth!” He said, in a mocking tone.
“Yes. I am great, aren’t I? Thanks for admitting it.” Miles smiled proudly. “And, your Honor? I have the aforementioned tape. At least… I believe you mentioned at this point. Had to have been early on, right?”
“Two minutes ago. I mean, we sat here for quite a while and all forgot about it, discussing Mr. Payne’s weird shoulder and right-handedness. Ho ho, our mistake! At least, most of us…” He said, glaring at Winston.
“What? You too, Judgey-poo? Surely you don’t think I’m in some funny business, do you?”
“Actually… Mr. Edgeworth. Was it true that the bailiff supervising this courtroom was our culprit, the video thief?” Gumshoe nodded at a brisk, medium pace.
“He was, Pal! We got him all tied up, all in the lobby right there! Gave him a good old knock on the noggin and everything!”
“Well… I don’t know if I agree with your methods, but I am glad nonetheless. But that just raises my suspicion. Mr. Payne… Are you positive he wasn’t working for you, aiding you in dirty deeds? Possibly done dirt cheap?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say he was involved in any filthy acts, reasonable price notwithstanding, maybe he thought he would help out a bro. I don’t know. Old Denny is a little strange. We play Poker every Sunday, so maybe he thought he’d ‘help’ me.” Winston said, doing finger-quotes. “But of course, I’m innocent! Maybe he thinks I’m guilty, and thought ‘Ooooh! Look at me! I’m Denny! I’m a Bailiff and nobody likes me! My wife and kids left me! And now I’m struggling with a whip-it addiction! So I’m just going to help the totally-obvious-culprit, Winston Payne, right?’ WRONG!!!”
“Whoa… This is getting a little too personal, man…” Phoenix said. Winston slammed on the counter with his metal arm.
“Well you know what?! I think that’s exactly what happened! He thought he’d do me a solid, but he’s just a fool! Thinking I’m the culprit, committing a theft for my sake? Foolish! I’ll prosecute him myself!” Winston barked.
“What’s your point, Mr. Payne?” The Judge asked.
“Well, my point is, like I said. I didn’t know the video was stolen! I would never direct someone to do that. Because there’s no way that it has incriminating evidence against me or anything! Nuh-uh. Obviously, it was Trucy Wright who killed Mike Meekins.” As Payne was saying this, Edgeworth walked back to the old CRT and popped the tape back into the VHS player.
“Just get to the god damned tape already! I’m going back to the audience, and my Bugles. You’re welcome, everyone. And, oh, someone go arrest Evil Bailiff, whatever his name was for larceny. He’s all tied up.”
“Yes, yes. After the trial.” The Judge said, slamming his gavel down, as Edgeworth gave a thumbs-up to Wright and the gang. Gumshoe, him, and Larry shuffled their way back into the gallery.
“Oh yeah! I totally helped too guys! I helped catch the bad guy! Do I get a medal?!” Larry yelled, but everybody purposely ignored him. “Guys? Anyone? Come on, I want a cool medal...! Or a key to the city! I could open every door in the city!! Yeaaah…” Apollo also thought that the Key to the City could open every door, so he would be very happy if Larry did in fact obtain one.
“Well… Without further interruptions, I feel as if we should go over this tape. Finally.” The Judge announced. Everyone nodded in agreement. “I… Er, I apologize for my mistake of delaying this trial, and such. If I had known, I’d have kept the recess going until we got it! You could have all used the potty, gotten a snack, etcetera… Oh well.”
“Your Honor, I have a request.” Mia said.
“Yes?”
“Allow me to… Say, walk through this video. I want to go through every juicy little detail on this baby. Because I think we missed a few things on this baby.”
“You’re my juicy little detail baby… Shit! I mean my juicy little baby,” Diego said (loudly) under his breath. But everyone could hear him. Mia blushed, looking at him, noticing that he was halfway climbed up back into the gallery. He realized that climbing up wasn’t as easy as going down, so he went back down and took the stairs. Just as he did this, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, and Larry returned to their spots. But much to Edgeworth’s surprise, he realized that his Bugles were missing!! He glared at Klavier, Daryan, and Ema in the seats next to him. He knew, using his logic, that Ema couldn’t have been the culprit, as she loves both him and Snackoos too much to consume Bugles.
“Man, those were some killer Bugl-OOF!” Daryan said as Klavier elbowed him in the ribs.
“You…!” Edgeworth pointed at Daryan, who began to quiver in fear and shame. “Go buy me some Bugles. NOW!” Daryan scampered off, like a sad little puppy-shark. “G-got it, bro! Sorry!!” This would be out of character for good old Daryan normally, but Edgeworth had a wrath like no other. Anyways, back to the things that actually mattered.
Mia turned the video on. And with it, the eyeballs of all focused on the black and white film. The dreaded Blue Badger theme played. “Fucking… Ugh.” Mia grunted, walking up to the television and trying to click the volume down. However, it wouldn’t, and they were stuck with hearing that dreaded tune. “Buh… Why??” Mia sighed.
“State-wide regulations. My apologies, Ms. Fey.” The Judge said, not very happy that he had to hear it either.
“Anyways…” Mia said. The video played, and showed Mike Meekins and the man in the grey hoodie walking through the store. “That’s Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium, as we all know. During Mr. Magic’s lunch break. If we fast-forward to about a minute in, some boxes are obscuring the view to the storage room. And we know, from this footage, it shows Mike Meekins’ death. While the actual murder is, unfortunatley blocked from our view, there are a few things we can take into consideration, One, the mall has horrible security measures. And two, if we are to look closely at the one minute forty second mark, shadows can be seen of the two men engaged in a struggle - As their shadows move back and forth violently.”
“Annnnd~?” Snarked Payne, patting his head. “This proves what we already know, that Mike Meekins and the assailant were already there!”
“Mm-mm-mmmm!” Mia wagged her finger at him.
“What? Don’t give me that ‘Mm-mm-mmmm!’ malarkey.” Winston barked back.
“Once Mike Meekins is pinned beneath the assailant, we can see the shadow of the murderer’s arm move up and down, in the classic stabby fashion. What is truly interesting about this, though… Is the rapid pace that this person’s hand moves at. Much faster, I’d have to say… Then a normal person could. Perhaps… Something robotic could have done it?”
“OBJECTION!” Winston laughed. “Don’t you know the other protocol?”
“Other protocol?” Mia questioned.
“Yes, yes. The other protocol.” Winston responded.
“What is it?” Mia asked, slightly more annoyed.
“What is what?” Winston answered, questioning.
“The other protocol…” Mia said, crossing her arms.
“Other protocol?” Winston asked.
“Fucking… Yes! The one you just mentioned. You were just about to say what it was!!”
“Oh! That other protocol! I remember now. All videos done in this state are sped up by some amount! As much as 1.5 times the speed!” Winston announced.
“What?! When did they make that law!?” Mia griped, looking back at Phoenix, who shrugged in response.
“Oh! That law. That was around two years ago, I believe. Ho ho. Speeds up trials and all!” The Judge said.
“Yes… So you see, there’s no way the speed of the stabbing has anything to do with the murder. Because it’s just a normal, natural pace of stabbing that any old person would be capable of! So you see… Your point… Is moot.” Winston chuckled. Mia sighed heavily, walking back to the counter. Phoenix gave her a pat on the shoulder.
“No worries, Chief… We just need to take another route. Look at this from another angle. As they say, turning things upside down. An Ace Attorney classic!” Phoenix said. “Your Honor, I still feel like the stabbing itself is something that needs to be further discussed.”
“OBJECTION!” Winston objected, pointing.
“What is it, Mr. Payne? That was a fully legitimate argument after all. I do agree that we should be focusing on the video itself.” The Judge said.
“Well… I have a point I’d like to make. Trucy Wright. It is clearly seen that she comes into the storage room and pretends to act all scared! And like we stated before… There were only two people in Mr… Whatever the fuck it is the whole time! So it could only have been-”
“OBJECTION!” Phoenix yelled, pointing. “No, no no. First of all, how do we know that the murderer didn’t hide in the shadows while the police apprehended Trucy? I mean… Here’s something that I don’t think any of us have mentioned yet. Isn’t it a bit strange that the security footage for the murder, minutes after it happened showed Trucy entering the store, but not exiting it?”
“Your point?” Winston asked.
“That is a strange point, Mr. Wright!” Apollo belted loudly.
“No, no… He has a point.” Mia said, catching onto what he was saying. Picking up what he was putting down. Dare we say, smelling what he was stepping in.
“This implies that the culprit, if it were Trucy, would have had to sneak out of the store undetected only to act as an innocent bystander. How is this practical, Mr. Payne? Did she go through the vents? A secret exit we don’t know about?”
“Uh… Well. I don’t know, she’s a magician! Magicians can do really weird shit!” Winston barked.
“Yeah, but they can’t teleport, Mr. Payne. Though I wish they could…” Apollo said, slightly sad by this fact.
“And another thing… What about the hoodie? There wasn’t one found in or near the premises.” Phoenix said, putting two and two together. “She couldn’t have been in disguise either.”
“Well… Maybe she put one of you up to it! You hid, she acted all innocent!” Winston accused.
“We all have alibis for that day…” Phoenix said, the defense team giving him a ‘dude-ur-so-retarded’ look. Winston began to hunch over and sweat a bit.
“Well… None of that matters right now, does it?! You said you wanted to focus on the video!” he said, trying to deflect from this situation.
“Oh, yeah… Shit.” Phoenix said. He whispered to Mia; “I wish he let us buy a bit more time…”
“At least these weren’t bluffs… I think we’re onto something.”
“Yeah… I just need a minute-” Phoenix was soon interrupted.
“Ooh! Ooh! I’ve got an idea! I’ve got an idea!” Apollo jumped up and down, his one hand raised like a schoolboy who knew the answer to 2+2.
“Yes?” Mia asked, as Phoenix was busy concentrating.
“What if we talk about the stab wounds?!” Apollo said, eyes glittering. “Those were messed up, yo!”
“No, no… That’s not it.” Phoenix said, shaking his head, thinking as hard as he could.
“Well? An answer?” Winston beckoned.
“Yes… An answer. Do you have anything that could explain what you want to focus on?” The Judge asked. Alarm bells were going off into Phoenix’s head. He knew this was a clue to look at both the court record, and to think about the murder thus far.
“Okay… Let me think here.” Phoenix said, scrambling out some papers and such. Up in the gallery, Edgeworth and Gumshoe were making their little comments through and through.
“Heh! I taught him that one!” Miles giggled, proudly.
“Hah! You taught him to think, Pal! Now that… Is funny!” Gumshoe laughed.
“It’s not how the murder happened… No. We know he got stabbed by a wand. But… I know that wand, Trucy had the last model. There’s no way a wand with such a blunt tip could make those sharp holes in Mike Meekins’s neck. I figure, maybe like a bullet, if it went fast enough… Fast… What do we have here that can go fast. We know the want was the murder weapon as it had Meekins’s DNA on it. So… How did that thing pierce skin? How…?”
“The arm.” Apollo said, bluntly.
“Huh?” Phoenix asked, snapping out of his logical trance. He saw Apollo’s glittering eyes, like a deer in the headlights. But in a good way. Not in the bad dead deer way.
“The arm, Mr. Wright.”
“What are you talking ab-ohhhh…” Phoenix had a smirk like no other. “Your Honor… Do we have one of those forensic mannequins in here? I want to have a little… Demonstration.”
“Oh! Yes, we do, actually! But… I just realized we haven’t got a bailiff to go fetch it for us… Someone’s going to have to go get it!” The Judge announced. Just then, Daryan walked into the courtroom, bag of Bugles in hand. “Oh, you there!” he said, pointing his gavel at Daryan.
“Huh?” Daryan asked in response.
“You’re the temporary new bailiff now! Go into that closet and fetch the mannequin, yes?” The Judge commanded.
“O-oh. Sure. You got it, I guess… Judge-bro.” Daryan said, throwing the bag to Edgeworth, who caught it with his teeth, just to look cool.
“Hey, he stole my trick!” Klavier whined. As this happened, Daryan obtained the mannequin and set it onto the center of the floor.
“Whoa!! He’s made of rubbuh!!” Ema yelled. Nobody seemed to get that joke. “What… Anyone? One Piece? 4Kids? Y’know… How did that happen, yo-ho-ho he took a bite of Gum-Gum? Just me… Alright…” She sighed.
“Perfect.” Phoenix said. “Now… We just need a wand. Trucy, do you have a wand on you?” Phoenix asked this, though he already knew the answer. Trucy smiled brightly, and nodded. “Good… Well, I’m going to need her to demonstrate something. Can we uncuff her for a minute?” Phoenix asked the Judge, who stroked his mighty beard.
“I’ll allow it. But… We need the keys that that old Bailiff had!” the Judge announced. Edgeworth pulled the ring with the single key on it, swinging it around.
“Aren’t you glad you have me to help?” Edgeworth asked. “I confiscated these from him after we apprehended him. He couldn’t be trusted. Here, Mr. Wright, catch!” He swung the key at Phoenix, who tried catching it with his teeth to also look cool, but it just missed him by an inch, bounced off his cheek and fell to the floor. Phoenix bent over and picked it up, a little embarrassed, walked up to Trucy, and unlocked her cuffs.
“Don’t worry, Trucy… Soon you’ll be free. But first, ready your wand.” Phoenix told her. Trucy pulled out her wand from her magic panties, which she always carries on her. “Okay, so. Trucy.”
“Yes, daddy?” She asked.
“Can you do us all, this court a favor? Can you stab that mannequin in the throat as hard as you possibly can?”
“U-uh… Okay.” she said, unsure of where this was leading to.
“What is the point of this?” Winston snarled.
“Yes, what is the point of this?” The Judge asked.
“Oh, you’ll see.” Phoenix chuckled.
Just then, Trucy made her way up to the mannequin, lying cold on the floor. She held the wand in her hand, reeled back, and with all her might, lunged the wand at the poor gel man’s throat However, despite her putting every ounce of strength into it, it all but bounced against his rubbery skin, the wand flying back, falling onto the floor, click-clacking away. Winston’s face turned pale, as Phoenix looked him dead in the glasses.
“Your Honor… I believe that this proves Trucy is in fact, unable to stab anyone’s throat with her level of strength and with that wand. It’s impossible, I’d reckon. Try all you’d like. Make her keep trying, and you’ll achieve the same result. And 26 and a half times over? No way.” Phoenix said.
“What… What are you insinuating, Mr. Wright? I do agree that it seems as if Trucy is far too weak to-”
“OBJECTION!!” Winston yelled, getting more and more agitated with each breath, digging the cold metal nails into the desk so hard that precious pieces of mahogany were chipping off of the fine, glossy varnish. “This is unfounded and baseless! Demonstrating on a mannequin… Malarkey! Even I, the great Winston Payne couldn’t stab through that, with real arms or otherwise!”
“Oh, would you like to try then?” Mia wiggled her eyebrows at him.
“Yeah, tough guy!” Apollo taunted, putting up his dukes.
“GRK!! I didn’t… I didn’t think… I was just saying, hypothetically!” Winston began to sweat. Phoenix became very stern and turned to the Judge.
“Your Honor, that was actually what I was going to ask next… Will you allow Mr. Payne here to demonstrate his stabbing abilities with that very wand?”
“Wh-what?! Why do you want me to?! Are you saying I did it!?” Winston asked.
“I certainly have a hunch.” Phoenix smiled. “Besides… I don’t think any ordinary human could stab a neck with a blunt wand like that. It has to be something incredibly strong and fast… Like your metal arm, which has already shown considerable strength, seeing as you were dangling from the rafters a few minutes ago.”
“Ugggh… Urgh!!” Winston grunted.
“Mr. Payne… If you weren’t guilty, then you wouldn’t object to doing this.” Mia said, sternly.
“Yes, I agree. Mr. Payne… If you would. Please do stab that mannequin at the fullest possible strength of your little weird accessory. If you do any less, intentionally, then I will hold you in contempt of court and have your prosecutorial rights revoked. We demand the truth!” The Judge demanded, with a mighty swing of his gavel.
“Backed yourself into a corner now, huh, Mr. Payne?” Mia smiled, arms crossed.
“Come on now. Let’s see it.” Phoenix beckoned.
“Yeah! Let’s see some bloodshed! Hypothetically!” Apollo said, pumping his fists.
Winston, trembling at the fact that he’s crossed the point of no return, meekly walked around the desk and picked the wand up. Shakily, he handed it to his metal arm and began to breathe erratically. Everyone knew he was hiding something. Everyone knew he knew something that they didn’t. Winston walked up to the mannequin, and opened a small panel near the wrist of his arm. “M-maximum overdrive…” Winston stuttered. Suddenly, the arm began to whir, steam spewing out of it. It readied the wand, holding it back. “This… This better not work… Mannequin, don’t be too weak!!” he gritted his teeth, as the Metal Arm swung down and violently pierced the neck of the mannequin. After the first, it went at a furious pace, stabbing even more holes into the neck. As this happened, Winston knew what he had gotten himself into. The gallery, who weren’t part of the main cast of characters gasped, and began mumbling at a frightening speed. The Judge slammed his gavel down.
“Order! Order!! This… This certainly does raise some questions. Mr. Payne, as of now… You’ve demonstrated that you have the capability to effortlessly stab someone with a mere wand, using that machine of yours. This… I’m sorry to say, but it makes you the prime suspect.” The Judge told him, sternly.
“And with that… I think I rest my case, Your Honor.” Phoenix said, smirking, hands on hips.
“YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!” Daryan yelled, back in the audience. “Klav, you know what to do! Ema, you too!” He yelled, as him and Klavier ripped off their shirts. On their bare chests, in body paint, Daryan had “WR” on his chest, Klavier had “IG”. But Ema, still sitting, feeling embarrassed by mere association to these fools, swinging around their shirts like madmen, was supposed to have “HT” on each of her breasts, but she didn’t ever intend on giving those two the satisfaction. Klavier looked very disappointed.
“Come on… Now it just says ‘WRIG’...” Klavier said.
“Yeah, I wanted to see some t-I mean… Letters!” Daryan pouted.
“Ugh… Yare yare…” Ema said, covering her face from the other eyes of the gallery.
At this point, Winston just began to laugh. “Prime suspect? PRIME SUSPECT?! Oh, that is rich indeed! All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel! And that’s exactly what’s happening now! Of course I’d be able to stab that mannequin! Of course I would! I have Metal Gear PAYNE! That’s a loaded accusation that you know you could use to get your daughter out of the slammer! I think it’s unfair and baloney! There are other machines that are as strong as this! So why, all of a sudden are you all ganging up on me?!”
Apollo pondered for a second, and pointed at him. “Are there really that many machines that can grip a wand, like your metal hand? And… Honestly, if there was something else that did it, it’d be pretty big, and thus, seen in the store as evidence!”
“Uh, uh… Um… Er… Oog..!” Winston grunted. His legs began to tremble. “This… This is bullshit! Horse-hockey! Hock-jockey, even!”
“I don’t know… My bracelet is going off real hard again…” Apollo said.
“Oh enough with that! I’m sick of that thing!” Winston griped. “You badgered my poor poor brother all day! Now he’s dead! Because of you!”
“No, no he’s not.” Mia said. “He… Accidentally poisoned himself to death.”
“Oh right! That…” The Judge said. “I forgot about that awfully suspicious poisoned lifesaver. But, it’s not relevant to this case, I’ll ask about it later…”
“Will you stop interrupting?!” Winston barked, getting more and more frustrated. “Again, I must ask! Why is everyone constantly piling on me?! Why?! I must know, because I think it’s unfair and unjust and uncool and uncouth and unruly!”
“Because… You want to know why?” Phoenix asked.
“Hmm!? Why then?! Indulge me!!” Winston said beginning to tense up even more.
“I would love to know myself! You’re not looking too hot in this situation, Mr. Payne. In fact… If the defense gives good enough justification, I see no reason that Trucy Wright should be considered guilty in this case. So, Mr. Wright. Continue.”
“Bullshi-” Winston barked, only to be interrupted by the gavel and a mighty glare from the Judge.
“AHEM. Continue.” The Judge announced once more.
“This murder is a simple one. Mike Meekins, the deceased, is led to Mr. Magic’s Magical Magic Emporium, and then, led to his untimely demise. Now, in a murder… There’s two things that are important, especially if it was premeditated. The first being the method. We’ve established that Trucy can’t stab one’s throat with a wand, and yet Mr. Payne can. Now, for motive. We’ve had evidence, albeit anecdotal be presented by Mr. Edgeworth that shows, yes, indeed, Mr. Payne’s hatred towards Mike Meekins does exist. And how in the past, he has sworn vengeance on those who have wronged him, even in the slightest of ways. Of course, being kicked in the balls by Mike Meekins, a poor man who probably had Tourette’s or something like that. Someone easy to shock. We’ve all interacted with him, we know how he reacts to things.”
“What are you saying?!” Winston slammed his metal arm onto the counter, chips falling out even more, and his already disgusting, sweat-covered hair becoming even more undone and unruly.
“What I’m saying… Who’s the only one in this immediate area who could have stabbed him? Mr. Winston Payne. And who’s the only one in this immediate area who would have a reason to stab him? Mr. Winston Payne. So, the only conclusion that can possibly be made… Is that you, Mr. Payne… You are the one who murdered Mike Meekins!” Phoenix announced. Winston began to tremble.
“Confess to your crimes, Mr. Payne!” Mia added.
“You’re done! By Gooby, by Robocop, you’re done!” Apollo yelled. The three of the attorneys reeled back their hands and pointed at Winston in unison, and yelled:
“The Defense rests its case!”
The force of the points from the three attorneys created a shockwave so powerful, that it exceeded not only the sound barrier, but the light barrier as well, causing the molecules in the room to vibrate profusely, if only for an iota of a fraction of time. Every single hair that was still desperately clinging to Winston’s dome was ripped right out of his scalp, as well as the thick layer of dust that had collected over the years. “GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Winston screamed as he flew back into the air, hitting the wall, causing him to go unconscious. As he slowly slid down and slumped to the floor like a floppy old man peen folding up, a large man-shaped crater in the fine wooden wall.
“Hmm! Looks like he’s out cold.” The Judge announced. “But… No matter, I think I’ve heard enough.” Trucy’s eyes shone brightly, with hope (and tears) filling her eyes with moisture. And hope. “Defense, you say you rest your case, yes?”
“Yes, Your Honor.” Phoenix said, as they all nodded.
“Very well. I think I’ve considered it enough, and I have to say, the evidence… It’s overwhelmingly in the Defense’s favor. Yes, yes. And with the reaction of the Prosecution, on top of all the… interesting events that have transpired involving him today, I feel as if that only helps your case. Yes… I’ve made my decision. This court finds the defendant, Trucy Wright…-”
“Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, hickory dickory doo, the Payne is angry too!” Suddenly, without any warning, the metal arm emerged from the depths of the floor, and grabbed onto the counter, pulling Winston up. “Heh… Heh… Heh… Don’t think… Don’t think you’ve had the final say…” Payne began to start tapping on the desk, each tap more aggressive than the last. “Haha… Hahaha!! Hee hee hee!! Hoo hoo hoo!!! Ahaha!! AHAHAHA!!!” Winston cackled, beginning to pound the counter. “Killed Mike Meekins, you say?! You think I killed him!?”
“Yes.” Phoenix said.
“Yup…” Apollo said.
“Mhm.” Mia nodded.
“Even I do!” The Judge exclaimed.
“Yuh!” Trucy shouted, in the vocal inflection of a rapper who goes “yuh.”
“Indeed!” Edgeworth said, crossing his arms.
“Yup, Pal!” Gumshoe said, looking down at the poor pathetic man.
“You betcha!” Maya pointed.
“You betcha!” Pearl imitated.
“Hai~!” Ema squealed, hands together.
“Ja…” Klavier said, air-guitaring to himself.
“Ha…! Yup.” Diego snarked, taking a sip of coffee.
“I guess everyone else is doing it, so… Yeah, bro.” Daryan said, out of obligation.
“Even I think he’s guilty!” Larry smirked.
The rest of the crowd joined in a uniform nod and “Yes.” At this point, the whole courtroom was against Winston. They all knew he did it, and with each additional agreement from the court, he began to tremble more and more in rage.
“I… I…! I… Grrrr…. GRAAAAHHHH!!!” (If you could imagine it, these growls sounded like a car engine). “FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKK!!!” Winston screamed, attempting to tear his hair out, but alas, there was no hair to tear. He began to slam the counter with his normal hand, and metal arm. “I KILLED MIKE MEEKINS!!” he confessed with vigor. He continued, foam coming out of his mouth; “AND I KILLED THAT BASTARD SCIENTIST AND HIS MOTHERFUCKER SON! YES!! IT WAS ME, WINSTON PAYNE! I KILLED THEM ALL! YOU KNOW WHY??! YOU WANT TO FUCKING KNOW WHY?! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY?!” At this point, everyone knew why, and didn’t want him to say anything. And yet, he continued; “BECAUSE I’M THE BEST!! HOW DARE THAT MAN KICK ME IN THE BALLS?! HOW DARE THAT SCIENTIST BRING ME AND MY DUMB FUCK BROTHER INTO THIS WORLD?! HE DIED!! GOOD!! I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY HE DIED!! HE CAN EAT HIS MILK IN HELL!!! AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS ABOUT TO DIE?!” He clutched the desk with his metal arm, ripping it out of the floor and throwing it aside, pointing at Phoenix.
“Uuuuuhh…” Phoenix began to sweat, a little worried that Payne would actually attack him. And kill him! Right there.
“YYYYOOOUUUUUU!!!” Winston gargled with his reptilian throat, as he began to charge towards the Defense.
“O-Order!!” The Judge yelled, frantically slamming his gavel down, thinking that it would actually have the power to stop an insane man with an insatiable thirst for blood. (It didn’t).
As he continued to go towards the Defense, Winston continued to growl and gurgle and scream, foaming from his disgusting old mouth. However, Phoenix, Apollo, and Mia couldn’t make themselves move. They were paralyzed in fear. True fear, that their last image would be of that terrifying claw. The same fate as Mike Meekins. And nobody wants to share anything with Mike Meekins. “THIS IS IT! NOW YOU DIE!!!” Winston ran and jumped up into the air, the metal claw pointing at Phoenix dead on.
“Nick, NOO!!!” Maya yelled out, holding her hand towards him, as Pearl held onto Maya’s robe for protection.
“Wright!!” Edgeworth gasped, as Gumshoe held onto Edgeworth’s sleeve for protection.
“Daddy!! Watch out!!” Trucy screamed, tears flying from her eyes as she shook her head back and forth. As Winston grew ever closer, Phoenix had no choice but to cover his eyes and cower. Was this it? Was Winston going to overpower them all, even when they had won? Phoenix took what he thought was his last breath, gritted his teeth, until…
*Shiiiing!*
“Ha…! Not so fast, claw boy!” It was… Diego?! Phoenix opened his eyes and looked up. Somehow, the silver-haired Puerto Rican, donned in his classic green suit and tan vest appeared before the Defense, his cool katana in hand, clashing against Winston’s arm, being the only barrier between Phoenix and death’s embrace.
“Y-You!!” Winston screamed, as sparks began to fly from the friction of the colliding metallic weapons. Diego looked back at the three and smirked.
“Kept you waiting, huh…?” he said, as he pushed Winston back with enough force to send him flying onto the floor.
“O-order!! Order!!” The Judge yelled. “There are to be no weapons in my court!!” he protested, his gavel slamming down once more.
“Don’t you see what situation we’re in?!” Diego asked as Winston rolled around the floor grumbling and gargling. (He landed on the mannequin, and it hurt!)
“Y-yes, but…!” The Judge frantically looked around at the audience, who was also very frantic. “I… I…!”
“Listen, I’ll pay a fine or whatever! Put it on the Agency’s tab!” Diego yelled. The Judge began to sweat, his gavel shaking in the trembling of his hands. Winston got up, and made unintelligible noises as he charged back at Diego. Winston took a swing, but Diego, with his Kenbunshoku Haki, blocked him without fail. “Your Honor…! Permission to subdue?!” Diego yelled.
“I… I’ll allow it!! Just this once! Stop him and I’ll forget about all the courtroom violations happening here! I’ll even waive the fine!” The Judge slammed his gavel down. Diego smirked and nodded, then pointed his blade at Winston.
“Phew… That’s one less expense we’ve gotta pay!” Apollo cheered. Phoenix, still shaken by the fact that he nearly died at the hands of one of the most pathetic human beings he had ever met, hadn’t much to say about this all. Mia, however, was beaming with pride (and arousal) at how amazing her sexy Puerto Rican samurai-man boyfriend was.
“He’s… So dreamy…” Mia said, hand on her heart, blushing.
Winston gritted his teeth and finally got back up. “You can’t fool me so easily…! I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you all, and be on my merry way! You think you can stop me just because I admitted I killed them?! Hah! I would like to see you try!” Payne lunged one deathly metal claw at Diego, and yelled; “Fingāgan!!” to which Diego dodged to the left, and took a swing, bashing Winston at the back of the head with the blunt end of his sword. “OOF!” his head rattled around like a bobblehead, and he ran around in a circle. “You think you can stop me with mere concussive force?! Fool! I’m Winston Payne! I was genetically engineered to have a thick skull, impervious to trauma! Now… You die!” Winston reeled back and did a cartwheel with the power of his metal claw, attempting to kick at Diego, who once again, just smirked and dodged, weaving his way back effortlessly. As this was happening, the Judge whipped out his phone, and began to dial 9-1-1.
“Are you impressed yet?!” Winston beckoned, as he started to jab at Diego with more force, each time being blocked by his katana.
“Ha…! This is just your average Tuesday in Puerto Rico!” Diego snarked as he jumped back, did a flip, and began to charge at Winston. He jumped, swung the blade, and though Winston mostly dodged, he managed to graze his arm.
“Hah!! ‘Tis but a flesh wound!” Winston beckoned, clearly unable to feel pain by all the adrenaline rushing through his system.
“Ha…! It’ll be more than a flesh wound when I’m done with you!” Diego yelled as the two began to clash their weapons more and more, going so fast that they became just a blur.
“Ohohohoho~! Sugoi~!” Ema clapped, munching on Snackoos excitedly. This was very much similar to one of Ema’s favorite Japanese animated programs - Anime, if you will.
“Man, didn’t think we’d be in for a fight on top of a show!” Klavier cheered. He got out a permanent marker, writing “DIEGO” underneath the “IG” on his chest.
“YEAH!! LET’S SEE SOME BLOODSHED!!” Daryan gutturally cheered.
“Go Diego, Go!” Maya exclaimed, pumping her fist in the air.
“FUCK ‘EM UUUUUPPP!!!” Pearl screamed as deep and as loud as she possibly could, her vocal cords truly being pushed to their limits. The power of these cheers, and the power of friendship fueled Diego’s fiery resolve.
“Come on Mr. Hunk! Ice this fool, yo!” Trucy added.
“Yeah, Mr. Armando!!” Apollo cheered. “Get him just like Robocop would!”
As he heard this, Diego’s visor began to glow red, because it looked cool. He gave the crowd, specifically Apollo a thumbs up as he continued blocking Winston’s attacks with his blade. Suddenly, the two clashed so hard that they sent eachother sliding back on their feet, on the floor.
“This is getting nowhere! I have to pull out my finishing move!” Winston said to himself. He opened up the panel on his arm, dialed in a few buttons, and closed it. “It’s time for… MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!” Winston yelled, foaming once more at the mouth.
“Ha…! Let’s finish this, buddy boy!” Diego pointed his sword, beckoning Winston.
“Yes… Let’s finish this! You’ll die. You’ll die!! YOU’LL ALL DIE!! DIE! DIE!! DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Winston screamed as he charged up his power. Suddenly, it looked as if an engine in the back of Winston’s arm began to move. Flames emitted from it as he got closer and closer to dashing towards Diego. Diego took a deep breath, and with it, it seemed as if time itself slowed and his senses heightened, like that of a tiger, or some other beast of an animal.
“The fate of my friends… The fate of my company… The fate of my love… And the fate of my coffee… I won’t let you take any of it away from me. I won’t let you end everything after we worked so hard to get here! So… Come at me scrublord, I’m ripped!” Diego yelled, readying his blade. “This is it…! My ultimate technique!” He thought to himself.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Winston screamed as he ran up to Diego, who began to run towards Winston, yelling as well. For just a brief moment, the two clashed, and then passed one another.
Silence. Dead silence. For a moment, it seemed as if nothing happened between the two. “Hah…! Is that all you’ve got?!” Winston looked back, beckoning. Merely silent, Diego returned his blade back into its sheath.
“Gotcha.” Diego said, and as the hilt made its final clink…
“GAAAAH-!” Winston abruptly screamed as a large cut from his shoulder, diagonally down to his hip revealed itself, through the suit, blood bursting out from both it and his mouth. Winston’s eyes, if you could see them, turned completely white, and he collapsed onto his knees. “You… You’ll never… Guuuhhhh…” his voice slowly fading out as he fell to the floor, facefirst. Finally, he was subdued. The wicked man was defeated. Silence. Dead silence. Suddenly, the entire courtroom began to cheer.
“He did it!! He did it!!” Maya cheered.
“I can’t believe it, Pal!” Gumshoe bellowed.
“This is the trial of the century!!” Larry shouted. “I mean come on!! Two fights in one trial!? Damn! Epic.”
“WOOOOOOOOOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! YEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!” Daryan and Klavier cheered, spinning their shirts in circles above their heads. Ema, though embarrassed by the boys, let out a small smile.
“That’s my man!!” Mia ran up to Diego and gave him a big ol’ kiss, on the lips.
“Ha…! No biggie. Diego smiled, proud of his victory. He looked around at the court, pulled out his blade, and did the classic Fire Emblem pose, famous on such beloved characters as Lucina and Chrom. Everyone cheered. “Ha…! Learned that one from Smash!” Apollo also joined in the fun and gave Diego a big old hug.
“You’re so cool, Mr. Armando! Like… Awesome! So cool! Like Robocop and Gooby and JFK combined!” Diego didn’t understand any of this aside from Robocop, but he still appreciated it.
Phoenix, still slightly shaken by the events prior, let out a large sigh of relief. He was worried that he would shit his pants in court, of all places. But luckily, even if he did, his tight Champions would keep it in place. Maya noticed his tension and jumped down to the bench, beginning to give him a shoulder rub. “You okay, Nick?” She asked.
“Uhh… Y-yeah.”
Just then, the police, who the Judge called minutes ago, burst into the courtroom. “Where’s the perp!?” one of the cops yelled. Everyone pointed at Winston’s unconscious body, a slight pool of blood forming. The cops promptly rushed towards him, and asked; “Good god, is he dead?!”
“Ha…! Nah. I didn’t strike anything vital. Ol’ Judge gave me permission to subdue, and I did. You’re welcome!” Diego said to them.
“Yes, yes. Please, place this man under arrest for not only attacking the Defense, but also for the murder of Mike Meekins, Spark Brushel, and Dr. Gaylord “Snookums” Brushel, to which he admitted to. Take him away, boys!” The Judge slammed his gavel down, as the cops promptly tried to shackle Winston, but the metal arm kept getting in the way.
“Hold on!” Diego said, grabbing his sword and swiftly cutting the contraption clean off.
“Thanks, Mr. Sword guy!” the rookie cop said, as he cuffed Winston.
“Yes, thank you very much for your help, sir.” The old-timer cop told him, as he began to drag Winston away towards the doors.
“Oh! Officer!” Edgeworth piped up. “Do also arrest that man outside in the lobby, who is tied up. He is evil, and a thief.” Knowing how powerful Miles’s authority was, they asked no further questions, and merely gave a thumbs up as they left the courtroom, shutting the doors behind them. With Winston finally gone, the conclusion of the trial could finally ensue.
“Well... That certainly was a trial unlike any other.” The Judge began. “Although it has been a tumultuous and difficult, and possibly even… epic three days, I have finally arrived at my conclusion. My verdict. This court finds the defendant, Trucy Wright…”
NOT GUILTY.
The big white letters, bordered with black appeared in the sky. Seeing this, Gumshoe knew it was his cue, and he picked up the bucket full of confetti. “Make it rain!!” he shouted as he threw the confetti into the air. The whole courtroom began to cheer, as Maya gave Phoenix a big old hug. Everyone began to hug, in fact. Even people who didn’t know each other! Even Klavier and Ema! But as Ema realized what she was doing, she pushed Klavier away. Daryan held his arms out, made a little “hm?” and a smirk in a suggestive tone, and with that, the two bros shared a deep embrace. Daryan, though somewhat ashamed of himself, was getting a little turned on by his bro’s awesome rockin’ bod. His hug was so awesome, and that was all it took. Pearl and Larry and such also took part in the celebration, hopping up and down and all around.
“Well Gummy, we did it!” Edgeworth beamed, a big smile on his face. It was rare to see him in moments of pure happiness like this, but this time, he knew his work had paid off. “I think I’ll set up a reservation at Providence, the most expensive restaurant in LA for celebration!”
“Oh boy, Pal! I love that place! I can’t wait! But… What if it’s full!?” Gumshoe asked.
“Oh, don’t you worry. I’m powerful, my friend! I can get us a reservation literally anywhere! Not like they’ll ever say no to me!” Edgeworth laughed.
The cheering and jubilation continued for a minute, and Trucy, standing at the witness stand, began to truly smile for the first time in days. Apollo was jumping up and down, Mia was embracing her lover, and Maya giving ol’ Nick a pat on the back. Phoenix finally got to his senses, and ran up to Trucy, despite the excruciating pain he felt due to his Larry-induced foot injury. Trucy also ran towards Phoenix and jumped into his arms, the father and daughter sharing a tear-filled embrace.
“I’m… I’m so happy!” Trucy choked out.
“Hah. Did you ever doubt me, even for a second?” Phoenix smiled, even despite the foot hurt.
“Of course not! I… I love you!” Trucy buried her sobs of happiness into her father’s blue suit. Merely silent, Phoenix just continued holding her, savoring the moment, knowing that she was proven innocent. That finally, she was safe. As the celebrations calmed down, and as everyone regained their composure, the Judge finally cleared his throat.
“Well, not much left to do, huh. If you’ll excuse me, I have some urgent business to get done! Ho ho. Congratulations, Wright and co. I always believed in you! And thank god you got rid of those Paynes. I’ve been sick of them for years! A real Payne in the ass if you will! Ho ho. But anyways, like I said, urgent business that I must finish! That chicken parm won’t eat itself!” Everyone burst out laughing.
“Oh you!” They all said.
“Ho ho. And with that… Court is adjourned!”
Notes:
Not only does this mark the climax of The Payneful Turnabout, this also marks the First Anniversary of the publishing of this story, The Endless Turnabout! We totally planned for it to be published on this very special day, and did not at all forget to consider the date. Yes, totally planned because we are very smart.
Thank you to all of our loyal followers, those who gave kudos, and those who commented! We hope you keep following these adventures, because we've got more in store. Much, much more. Stay tuned, stay frosty, and stay sexy!
Chapter 33: The Celebratory Feast
Summary:
After the long and arduous task of defending Trucy Wright, Edgeworth decides to invite the cast over to a celebratory dinner at Providence: the most expensive restaurant in L.A. Hilarity ensues.
Chapter Text
March 31st, 2:10 (and 33 seconds) PM
District Court
Lobby
“We did it!! Hooray!!” Apollo cheered, as everyone convened in the lobby. He linked hands with Trucy, and they began to jump and spin in a circle. Maya and Phoenix, linked in arms (of love) and skipped throughout the lobby. Despite this, Phoenix’s foot was in searing pain, as the skipping would only further injure his foot-but he didn’t care about that right now, for it mattered not. Mia looked at everyone, her arms crossed, and back to the wall, smiling. Diego, right near her, meanwhile, was washing the small bloodstains off his vest on the drinking fountain.
“Gotta get this Payne blood off me…! Come on, you little…!” Diego grunted, aggressively rubbing the fabric, to no avail. Eventually, he took to his teeth to try and use those to rub it out, but only to a little more success. Mia turned to look at him.
“Use cold water, honey.”
“Yeah, yeah…”
Pearl, on the other hand, was counting all of her newly acquired money from the bet she won earlier. It wasn’t much, like $15, but she was still proud of it. “Mr. Edgeworth!! Mr. Edgeworth!! Look at all this money I have! I’m becoming rich, just like you!!” She squee’d. Edgeworth had to strongly restrain himself from letting out a pompous laugh, but he still ruffled her hair regardless.
“Haha! You sure are! Here, a dime for your riches!” Edgeworth said, as he slipped a $100 bill into her hand.
“Whooaaaa!!! Thank you!!” Pearl said, as her eyes were glittering, skipping off to show Maya her riches. (She, in fact, was equally as thrilled).
“Uh… Did you need that money, Pal?” Gumshoe asked, rather concerned. “I mean, $100 is quite a bit of dough, Pal…”
“I said a dime, didn’t I?” Miles said, arms crossed.
“Well, uh… Okay!” Gumshoe didn’t quite understand how $100 equaled a dime. Maybe it was a foreign thing.
“AHEM! Everyone, I have an announcement. Listen, listen, please.” Edgeworth announced. Everyone turned to look at him. “I have just received confirmation that our reservations have been made! I have made reservations for all of you here to join me for a celebratory meal, on me, at Providence: ‘The Most Expensive Restaurant in L.A.’” Phoenix looked a little surprised.
“Wh-whoa! That sounds great! But… You sure you don’t want us to chip in?”
“Hah! No need to worry. This is my gift for you, and your daughter. She’s a free woman, so she deserves to eat like one too!”
“Oh, sick!” Trucy jumped up and down as little pigeons and doves and confetti and other such things flew out of her hat. “No more of that shit they serve in the slammer! That shit was NASTY, yo!”
“AWWWWW YEAAAHH!!! Gonna have some seafood, brah!!” Daryan pumped his fists into the air. “Shark’s eatin’ good tonight, baby!” Klavier joined him in his cheers. The Gavinners had been there once before after a very successful concert, and had enough money to actually afford eating there, but not as much. Regardless, they sure loved their fancy seafood.
“Alright!” Edgeworth clapped and rubbed his hands together, toughly. “Dinner starts at 5. Please, everyone, clean up. This is a nice restaurant. None of those… Dirty sweat-laden lawyer clothes you three are wearing. Maybe, in fact, take a shower if you think it is necessary. And, a little hint, most of you need it.” He glared at Larry, especially, who was seemingly oblivious to the comments Edgeworth made.
“Uh… Yeah, dress up good, yeah! Got it.” Larry thumbed-up, and skipped off out the doors.
“Alright. I’ll see you all then.” Miles waved, as he beckoned his cronies to follow him, which they did in a single-file line.
“Well, I guess we should do the same, huh?” Phoenix asked the remaining group. They all nodded. “I guess we’ll just stop by my place instead of going all the way back up to that dumb mountain… I can have Apollo go up there and pick up our stuff next week, or something.”
“Oh boy, pickup duty! I’ll get right on that, Mr. Wright! I wanted to finish my snowman anyways!”
Phoenix then beckoned the group to follow him, and they did, in a single file line. Soon, they would all be eating a delicious (and very expensive) dinner at Providence (which, might we add, is the most expensive restaurant in L.A.).
“Shit!! I’m gonna need a dress.” Mia exclaimed in a shocked tone. She had realized that after being revived, she literally only had two articles of clothes. Unfortunately, she couldn’t do the classic Sister-Clothes Share thing, as her hips and her boobies were much too large for anything Maya fit into.
“Don’t worry, we’ll make a stop at TJ Maxx!” Diego reassured. “Always good in a pinch! Back when I was living in my Subaru and my only pair of socks started getting holes in it? Damn. TJ Maxx came to save my life. No blisters on these puppies…!” he said as he looked down at his feet, wiggling his toes. But nobody could tell, as he was wearing shoes- the kind with the little curls at the end of it. You know, like the ones they wear in cartels. (We saw a guy in the city wearing them once. It was cool!)
March 31st, 5:01 PM
Providence (The most expensive restaurant in L.A.)
Parking Lot
Some time later, the Wright group arrived at Providence. “Hah, 5:01 PM?” Phoenix chuckled to himself. “Looks like we’re fashionably late.” Everyone laughed at this quirk, because in the truest sense of the word, they were late.
“We sure are late…” Mia muttered to herself. She hated being late to anything.
“Ha…! And fashionable!” Diego said, now dressed in a much nicer suit that was not covered in blood. “Especially you!” he said, giving Mia a nudge. He thought the dress she picked out at TJ Maxx was very, very sexy. It was red, with one shoulder exposed. How something so exquisite looking ended up at a TJ Maxx was beyond any of them, but hearing this compliment made Mia blush a little, and gave him a little shove. This caused Diego to jerk the steering wheel to the left, causing them to nearly crash into a sign, but with Diego’s lion-like reflexes, he managed to swerve perfectly into a handicapped parking spot.
“Ha…! That was close.”
“Wait, Mr. Armando, this is illegal!!” Apollo pointed out, that Diego was parked in a handicapped spot. Diego held up his little handicap sign, and chuckled.
“Ha…! I’m legally blind, kid. I get special privileges.”
“Wow!! I should be legally blind too!!” Apollo said with stars in his eyes.
“Eeehh… I don’t know about that, son.” Phoenix said, concerned at what Apollo may do. Maya and Pearl merely laughed at this funny and entertaining exchange of words.
March 31st, 5:03 PM
Providence (The most expensive restaurant in L.A.)
Entrance
The group finally emerged from the Subaru Outback. The entrance of the building was exquisite looking (presumably). It had a tinge of classic, yet modern. Fancy, yet casual. Expensive, yet homely. The all-lowercase sign of the restaurant’s name really stood out as one of the best design features ever, for a restaurant. However, Mia found it quite irritating, as she always wrote everything out starting with a capital letter. Even her text messages were perfect, punctuation, grammar, lettering, and all. As they reached the entrance, a host was waiting at the door.
“Ahh, welcome to Providence, the most expensive restaurant in L.A. Do you have a reservation?” The host spoke with the most pompous rich-person accent any of them had ever heard. He made the Wright gang look like hillbillies in comparison.
“Uh, yeah, hi… Under… ‘Edgeworth’?” Phoenix asked.
“Aaaaahhhhh! Yes, yes, the Edgeworth party. Right this way, sirs and madams,” he said, as he herded them like cattle into the exquisitely fancy restaurant. Specifically, to the special banquet hall, where Edgeworth and co. were already waiting.
“Ahaha!! There they are! Ja…” Klavier announced with arms out, waving. He was already quite drunk, as obvious by his constant teetering from side to side, like a metronome. Or even, a Newton’s Cradle. Everyone waved ‘hi’ and greeted the Wright gang, as they took their seats.
“Ahhh, welcome, Wright!” Edgeworth announced. “And, of course, co.” he said. “I hope you do enjoy this lovely dinner. We have the whole menu available today, so please, choose whatever you’d like. Drinks and all are on me, yours truly, Miles Edgeworth.”
“Whooaaaaa! Can I have a drink, Daddy?!” Trucy asked excitedly.
“Uhhhh… Trucy… You still have two more years, little lady.” Phoenix said, as Trucy pouted. She didn’t want to drink another lame Shirley Temple again.
“But Daaaaadddddyyyy…! I just got out of the slammer!! I’m like… Almost 21! I’m 19, come on!!!”
“Oh, no worries.” Edgeworth said, smiling. “The law isn’t looking here. Go ahead, treat yourself.” Trucy clasped her hands together.
“Aww, man!! Thank you Mr. Edgeworth! You the shit, yo!” she hopped in her seat. Phoenix looked a little dismayed by this, but he figured she deserved it after what she just went through. After all, he did let her and Pearl drink after the circus, so why would today be any different?
Maya looked around enthusiastically. She couldn’t wait to sink her teeth into what she thought would be a delicious fancy gourmet hamburger. She picked up the menu, her eyes surveying the leather-bound, admittedly very small menu. However, there were no burgers in sight.
“What the fuck!?” Maya screeched. “I thought this was gonna be a burger place!” she was angry for only a split second, until she realized: any food is good food. And, any food can be a burger, if you believe. “Y’know what…? Actually… Hell yeah! Gonna sink my teeth into some fish flesh tonight, baby!” she said, rubbing her hands together in excitement.
“Haha, yeah brah!! That’s the word!! This is gonna be TIGHT!” Daryan said very loudly. This was the best way he could channel his inner shark.
Some more wacky shenanigans and jokes and gaffs followed as the waiter began to serve their waters to them. And of course, the fancy complementary bread, which everyone lunged for, fighting over it as if it were precious drops of water in the hot, hot Nevada heat. “Welcome, everyone… To Providence. Best known as the ‘Most expensive restaurant in L.A.’ I will be serving you today, my name is…” Suddenly, the waiter could see Phoenix giving him a strange look. Somehow, this man seemed very familiar to him. The stance, the face, the strange off-color strands of hair in the middle of his head. And of course, the voice.
“Wait a minute… I know you…!” Phoenix pointed.
“Mmmm…? Is that so?” he responded.
“Yeah… I know you… You’re…” Before Phoenix could finish his sentence, the waiter dropped everything and struck a pose.
“Yes! It is I! The Bellboy!” It was… The Bellboy?! “Haha! Yes! Remember me, the Bellboy from the second case of the first game, at the Gatewater Hotel?” He said excitedly. Phoenix snapped his fingers.
“Oh… No, I don’t remember you. I was gonna say you look like the guy who works at my local convenience store. Sean, or something? I dunno, you’re the weird one who sits in the back who nobody likes. I think. Whatever it is, you’re not Randy or Steve (Who are much superior).” Phoenix shrugged. The Bellboy was a bit saddened by this.
“Oh… Well… I, uh. Never mind then. It was exquisite being a witness at the stand, though…” he sighed. “Oh well! May I take all of your orders?!” They all ordered various things, but there wasn’t much of a variation as the menu was very small. Most of it being seafood, with sprinkles of such things as duck and beef in there too. It was all very expensive, to the point where there weren’t even prices on half of the items! Oh, the culture of rich people, to not care about the price of your food. “Very well!” The Bellboy said, with a bow, “I’ll be-WHOA!!!” he said as he fell down onto the floor with a thud. Daryan and Klavier began to slap their knees and roar with laughter.
“OH MAN!! I got you with the CLASSIC, brah! The old ‘two-shoes-tied-together-on-the-waiter’ trick! Haha!” Daryan laughed. “It’s all good, brah. Just a prank, I got you. Klav, you were filming that, right?”
“Ja… Ja…” Klavier responded as he was lazily holding the camera in his hand, still chuckling at the wacky and funny prank that was just played. Edgeworth normally would have scolded the two, but because he was so rich, and this was their special night, where no laws applied, he could just buy his way out of any possible lawsuit. Daryan untied the Bellboy’s shoes and helped him up, like a good upstanding citizen.
“Well, that was certainly… An experience. I’ve always wanted to be pranked!” The Bellboy said, very unconvincingly. It was clear his feelings were hurt tremendously. “I’ll be back with your drinks! And food.”
“Yo!! Sorry I’m late, haha!! I got lost!” Larry announced loudly as he stupidly walked into the restaurant. The other patrons in the restaurant glared at him, as he opened the small saloon-like doors that lead to the special banquet hall. “Oh, you the waiter?!”
“Yes… How may I help you?” The Bellboy asked, very politely.
“Heh! Get me… Something, jabroni!”
“Erm… I don’t know what that is!”
“You know, like… I dunno! I don’t even know what this place serves! Just get me… I dunno, a little bit of everything! Yeah!! The Butz is hungry tonight, baby!! Haha! Laurice in the house! Can I get a SAY WHAT?!” Edgeworth was very saddened and disturbed that Larry was here. He thought he may have missed the memo, but where there was food, especially free food, there’d be Larry.
“I… The Chef’s Sample, it is!” The Bellboy announced. “That’s a bit of everything!”
“Ohohoho!!! AWESOME!!” Larry said in a certain inflection un-conveyable by writing. He then took his seat and rested his nasty shoes on the tabletop. “Oh, and I’ll have… I dunno, Bud Lite?”
“We only serve Craft beers here, sir.”
“Okay? Just get me a beer, bozo…” Larry smirked.
“Yes, yes, of course. Right away, all. Do let me know if there is any way I can assist you!” The Bellboy, seemingly forgetting about the past interactions he’s already had, took an honorable bow, and scurried off into the kitchen.
“That guy talks… WAY too much!” Larry scoffed, now even more scrunched into his chair, dirty Chuck Taylors on the table, kicking over a glass of water. “Oops! Haha, just gonna… Uh… Haha… Hah…” (he didn’t pick up the glass).
“Yare yare…” Ema said. She hoped this night wouldn’t be soiled by his existence, but it was getting close.
Despite Edgeworth’s clear instructions to clean up and dress nicely, it was obvious that Larry paid no heed to these. He wore torn, ripped at the knees, classic Levi’s, his classic orange jacket, with a T-shirt underneath that had a tuxedo design printed onto it. And of course, to add to it all, he smelled RANK. Edgeworth was convinced that Larry had never once washed his clothes.
“You… Larry. Go to the restroom right now, and wash up! This is a fancy establishment!! My image must be preserved here! Go get new clothes, if you must. I don’t care! Just clean up!” Edgeworth scolded. Larry got up out of his chair.
“Ugh… Fine, I’ll figure something out! Lame-o. I picked this shirt out special!” He said as he huffed, putting his hands in his pockets as he walked towards the restroom.
“Finally, got that out of our sights! Haha!” Edgeworth said, arms out. Everyone laughed and cheered.
“Well, you know what they say!” Phoenix spoke up. “If something smells…!”
“IT’S USUALLY THE BUTZ!!” everyone yelled in response, on que. Somehow, everyone knew this classic phrase at this point. Even those who had never met Larry before. It had become something of a local saying, as Larry continued to become more infamous around the streets with each passing year.
As time passed, and more fun was had, the food began to start rolling out. That is, the appetizers. They were all delicious (presumably), yet portions were very small. “Ah, small portions… A favorite of the wealthy! But not myself. I, for one, like eating. Growing boy’s got to eat!” Edgeworth joked. Maya was very, very saddened by these small portions.
“What are these… War rations?” she muttered to herself as she gulped down her fishy appetizer in one fell bite. What was even more infuriating, however, was the lack of plates for about half of the items there. You see, apparently, the people at Providence want to be so fancy that they believe they’re beyond plates. However, Trucy, Pearl, and Apollo, whose bond was often linked by their love of plates, were having none of it.
“We want plates! We want plates! We want plates!” the three of them (somewhat drunkenly, except for Apollo, who was happily sipping on his Shirley Temple) pounded on the table. Klavier and Daryan, who at the point, were practically wasted, joined in the cheering, hammering on the table.
“Haha, quite a gang we’ve got today, huh Pal?!” Gumshoe laughed, taking a hefy sip of his mug of craft beer.
“You’re telling me…” Ema muttered, munching on her sushi. “Sushi’s good though!” Of course, she, of all people, would get the sushi.
“Say… Tell me somethin’, Pal.” Gumshoe said to Edgeworth.
“Hmm…?”
“Whatever happened to that one girl? You know… The kleptomaniac girl? The one who adventured with us for a few weeks?”
“Oh…” Edgeworth said, stroking his chin. “I believe she went on to become a great thief… Of justice, or something. Whatever the fuck that means. Well, if she is doing that, I hope it’s not in L.A. As we know, the Delites have practically eradicated all thieves.”
“Wasn’t she gonna be part of our team, or somethin’?”
“Oh… I don’t know. Let the girl do what she wants. It’s probably for some reason, such as the writers not getting to the end of the Ace Attorney Investigations games by the time this story was being written! Oh well.”
“Uhh… I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, Pal… But, if that’s the way the cookie crumbles!” Gumshoe laughed, confusedly.
“Yes, yes. And anyways, we already have a slightly peppy female companion in our group! Isn’t that right, Miss Skye?” Edgeworth said.
“I’m very peppy!” Ema said, happy that Edgeworth both complimented her and considered her part of the team. The silly duo (That’s Klavier Gavin and Daryan Crescend for those of you unacquainted) merely laughed at this.
“Oho! You’re peppy alright!” Daryan drunkenly pointed.
“Haha… Ja… Peppy!” Klavier laughed. “Peppy… In bed? Hahaha…” he drunkenly continued laughing. Daryan, also being drunk, found this incredibly amusing as well. Ema bonked the both of them on the head.
“Baka!!” she yelled with angry eyes and pointy zig-zag teeth, and the four anime veins of anger on her forehead.
“Haha… Man! These people are funny, yo! Wack…” Trucy giggled, leaning on Apollo.
“They sure are! Haha! Yeah!” Apollo said, giving a thumbs up. “You guys are funny!” Klavier and Daryan merely gave him the peace sign and continued laughing the day away.
After more fun, and games, and appetizers, and drinks were had, the Bellboy finally returned with the main course of the meal. Although portions were still small, they were somewhat bigger this time. (And all on plates, thankfully!) Everyone looked at their dinners in amazement and wonder, their mouths watering at the sight.
“Well! Before we dig in… I’ve just gotta say…” Phoenix stood up, and dinged on the glass to gather the group’s attention. “I’ve just gotta say thanks! To Edgeworth, not only for the meal, but for the great things you did for us. To Dick Gumshoe, for helping with the detective work. To Ema Skye, for also helping investigate. To those two there too, Mr. Gavin and his shark friend. They helped too, I bet. To Mia, for not only coming back to life, but swooping in when we needed her most. To Diego, for driving us around in the Subaru Outback, and also slashing down Payne before he was about to psychotically murder me. And to Maya, for always being there to comfort me. And to Pearl, for making us those delicious pancakes and eggs! And of course… My own apprentice, my best apprentice. Apollo Justice. You are awesome! We couldn’t do it without all of you. Because of you all, Trucy is here, with us today.” Everyone aww’d and began to tear up. “Well, anyways, enough sappy shit from me. Let’s eat!”
“ITADAKIMAAAAASSSS!!” Ema screamed. Everyone dug in like hungry dogs at a scrapyard. Gumshoe had two cuts of beef, specially requested to still be on the bone. He was eating them, each bite alternating between the cuts. Eating, drinking, and laughing continued. It seemed as if everything was finally going well in the world. The food was exquisite, and so was the atmosphere (presumably). And so was the lack of Larry, who had been missing now for over an hour. But nobody cared at all, not even in the slightest.
“How is everything?!” The Bellboy asked enthusiastically.
“Holy FUCK!!!” Daryan yelled. “This shit’s the best food I’ve EVER had!!”
“Very, very good!” Mia said, her mouth full of grub.
“Ha…! Nearly as good as Abuela’s Puerto Rican cooking! Not quite as good. But still, close!” Diego gave a thumbs up, drinking his craft coffee, imported from the most special of Costa Rican coffee groweries.
Everyone else was thrilled by the food as well, complimenting not only the chef’s work, but the extravagant service of The Bellboy. He was so happy, and genuinely delighted, and knew that a big big tip was coming his way at the end of the night.
“Hey… Uh. Sorry for the whole, y’know… Shoe-tying thing…” Daryan began to tear up. The Bellboy had actually completely erased this from his memory at this point.
“What thing?” The Bellboy had pondered.
“I… Y’know… The prank?! Come on, man…!” Daryan got up and began to sob. “I’m so sorry man!! I don’t know, it was all for clout! I just wanted some clout, man! And internet fame!! I’m so sorry!!!”
“Bro, you’re making a scene…” Klavier said, still kind of chuckling, as he was very drunk.
“And y’know… Like… I dunno!! I think… I’m sorry man, I got a lot on the mind! I didn’t mean to kill him, y’know?! And like… I dunno, I think I like cock, but it’s so embarrassing to admit!! Especially to my bro!”
“Whoa, whoa whoa.” Ema said as she slapped a hand over his mouth. “Sorry about that sir, he’s drunk.” she said as she eased a still-crying Daryan back to his seat.
“Oh, no worries! Being a shoulder to cry upon is part of the job! I live for the best possible service in the world!” The Bellboy, who clearly had an unhealthy obsession with his job, said, bowing. “And, if it makes you feel any better, I accept your apology!”
“Th-thanks man…! Y’know… It’s just so hard sometimes!!”
“Eat your dinner, bro… Crying takes a lot out of a man, ja?” Klavier gave him a pat on the back, as Daryan began to shakily take his fork to the food. Despite this little hiccup, the rest of the dinner was amazing and great.
“Man… Even without the burger aspect, it was still sooooo good!” Maya said, emphasizing each word. Phoenix had his arm around her shoulder, not saying many words as he, too, was starting to be under the great influence of the all-powerful alcohol.
“Yeah, I loved it! Thanks, Mr. Edgeworth!” Pearl waved.
“Hey… That Larry guy… He’s not coming back, is he?” Maya asked with a mischievous look on her face.
“Probably not…” Edgeworth responded. He noticed Maya was eyeing the huge pile of food, all courses waiting there, ready to be eaten. “Oh, just eat it!” Edgeworth said. Maya then lunged over across the table, scooping the plates towards her, and began to wolf down the meal.
Some time passed, and all of the members of the group’s tummies were full of food. The plates were taken away, and all that was left were bottles, glasses, and a few crumbs.
“Man… What a night. What a night! That was some amazing food, Mr. Edgeworth. Color me impressed.” Mia said, happily.
“Of course, of course. And you know… There’s one more thing!” Edgeworth raised his finger up, knowing the exact timing of when the Bellboy would return, and he did, with fancy desserts.
“Dessert is up!” The Bellboy announced as he frisbee-tossed each plate to the group, somehow landing them perfectly in front of each of the members. “Enjoy!” he said, with a bow of servitude.
“Whoa! Chocolate… Something!” Pearl said in excitement. She ate the whole thing in an entire gulp, as she sure did like her chocolate.
“It might be something, but it’s good!” Maya said in agreement, also eating the whole thing in one fell gulp, not even chewing. The Bellboy then did a sassy little sashay as he handed the bill to Edgeworth. As everyone continued to wolf down the chocolate, Edgeworth stared at the bill.
“Ah, $6,500 dollars? Damn.” He said, looking down at it. Phoenix did a spit take.
“Wh-Wha?! $6,500?! You shitting me?!” Phoenix yelled. “Are you sure you don’t want us to chip in?! I mean… That’s… That’s a lot of money! It’s like… Crazy!”
“Damn… $6,500. Back when I was living in the Subaru, I barely even made $65. Only enough to afford me some coffee, some gas, and occasionally some socks from TJ Maxx…” Diego said.
“No food?” Mia asked.
“I drank the coffee to cancel out the hunger.”
“Oh…” Mia said, looking concerned. “Do we need to visit the doctor?”
“Ha…! Doctors! I’m still alive, aren’t I?” He brought up a pretty bad point, but Mia decided not to pursue it further. Edgeworth waved a dismissive hand to this.
“Well… It certainly is a lot for a meal, especially with the tip, but…” Edgeworth smirked as he pulled out a fancy looking credit card. It shone a sparkle as the light caught it. It was black, the blackest black you could ever say you had ever seen. “Nothing my American Express Centurion Card can’t handle!”
“Oooooh! A centurion?!” Klavier asked in an impressed manner. “I’ve only got gold!” Klavier, being the rich snob that he is, was jealous.
“You guys have credit cards…?” Daryan asked the two. “I only carry cash! Haha! I don’t even think I have credit.” Ema looked at him like he was stupid.
“Baka… You should at least apply for one, build up your credit score. Maybe you could even check your credit score on Credit Karma to see if you have any. I can give you some pretty good tips on how to raise your score, you know! 850 all day, baby!” By this point, a drunken Daryan had fallen asleep to these words. Ema merely sighed at them. She really did know how to get a good credit score, and all of her knowledge had gone to waste.
“Gee, Pal… I wanna build my credit score! I’ve been in the lows for years!” Gumshoe shrugged. Edgeworth patted him on the back.
“Not to worry. Myself and Ms. Skye will guide you back to good status.” Edgeworth said. Gumshoe was elated at this.
“Wow! To think that just a few weeks ago I was still sleeping on a cot!” he laughed. “Now I’ve got me a girl, got me some money, haha! I’m really living the dream, Pal!” They all laughed as they ate their chocolate funnies.
After some time, Edgeworth handed the card to the Bellboy, who quickly brought it back after scanning. He wrote a generous $2,000 tip (as he always exceeded the bare minimum) to the Bellboy, and stood up, putting on his fancy jacket. “Well, it’s been fun everyone, but we must go back to Edgeworth HQ. My office, as we call it. I’ve got some… Business to attend to. Such as being the man to put Winston Payne in his place.” Apollo, hearing the words ‘Edgeworth HQ’ had assumed that Edgeworth lived in a secret laboratory, or supervillain hideout, much like the ones hidden in such places as a mountain, or a desert in a place like Nevada or one of those desert-y areas of the country, often owned by such people as a Bond Villain. Such as Dr. No, or Goldfinger. Or Goldeneye. Or even Octopussy. “And of course, to keep searching his office. I swear, there’s more change in there than I initially thought. Maybe even a few loose bills… Well! Toodle-oo! So long! Detective Gumshoe! Detective Skye! You two hooligans!” he said, pointing his two fingers at Klavier and Daryan. “You will join us as well. Let’s go.”
“Bye Mr. Edgeworth! Bye!!” Everyone said as Miles and the gang left the building. Now left at their tables, Phoenix looked at his crew of trusted friends, family, and otherwise.
“Well, I say we head home. But first… Who wants ice cream?!” Phoenix yelled so loudly that the entire restaurant heard him. Under the influence of alcohol, Phoenix didn’t have much of a volume control. Everyone was so excited for ice cream, as they serve none of the such at Providence. Being the most expensive restaurant in L.A. doesn’t necessarily mean you have the biggest selection, especially of deserts. Everyone grabbed their coats, objects, and whatever, and happily, drunkenly cheered and skipped out of the restaurant, to the Subaru Outback. Thankfully, Diego was the only one who was completely sober. Aside from Apollo, but that much was obvious.
“Ha…! Are you drunken loons ready?!” Diego asked. Everyone cheered, in a rather disorderly manner. Diego backed out and headed down to the road.
March 31st, 8:00 P.M.
The Roads of Los Angeles, Japanifornia
“I… Yeah… Woo! Ice creeeaaaamm!!! Mr. Nick!! Mr. Nick I love you like an uncle! Or even a grandpa…!” Pearl said, slurring her words. Phoenix didn’t like this grandpa line, but he liked the uncle one. Pearl, out of the whole group, surprisingly, was the most drunk of all the group. This, however, when you look into it, was actually unsurprising, considering Pearl is a small young woman who is probably underweight, and has built up practically zero alcohol tolerance.
“Ice cream! Ice cream! Fucking ice cream! Nick… Ice cream! Ice cream, Nick. Me ice cream. Give me. Ice cream. NOW. Nick.” Maya began to shake Phoenix at the shoulder. Pearl joined in on the shaking. Phoenix, now swaying back and forth, too, was excited for the ice cream.
“Yes! Everyone will have it! Everyone will! Yes.” Phoenix said, as he started to cheer along with Maya and Pearl.
“Fucking lightweights…” Mia snarked. Diego laughed so hard he almost turned into the wrong lane.
“Oh. Shit. Sorry!” Nobody really noticed, though.
“Wait…” Trucy had to pipe up from the trunk, where she sat with Apollo, who was playing rock-paper-scissors with her. “D-daddy…?” She asked, also quite drunkenly, but not as much as Pearl.
“Wha? Whozzat? Whazzat?” Phoenix asked, looking around.
“Me, your daughter!” Trucy spoke up.
“Oh right! The magician!” Phoenix laughed. “What’s up, Truce?”
“Hey, well… Can you do me a favor, yo?” she asked, becoming more serious with each word.
“A favor?”
“Yeah.”
“Whatcha need, honey?”
“Well…” Trucy began. “You remember my prison friend, Tyrome Jackson? You know, the guy who saved me from all those prison bullies?” Phoenix instantly sobered up at the hearing of this.
“Yes? What about him?”
“Well… His trial is set to start in a few days. And he’s being given one of those shitty state-appointed lawyers.”
“Oh, shit! Those guys suck balls!” Maya groaned.
“They do, they do indeed…” Phoenix responded.
“Yeah, well…He got arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. I know you just got off of lawyering for me, but can you pleeeeaaaasee defend him in court and set him free? I mean, he’s such a good guy! He’s got a kid, named Tyrell Jackson! He’s only 9. And like… It wouldn’t be cool to not have a father in his life, you got me, homie?” Trucy asked.
“Hmm… What’s he in for?” Phoenix asked, concerningly.
“Well, there was this carnival. And like… I dunno, he went with his kid, and someone threw a crab at a man. And I mean, this crab pinched a dude’s nipples clean off! Dude doesn’t even have nips anymore, yo! And because Tyrome was holding one of the crabs, he got accused for it! But like… He didn’t do it! He loves crabs! He’d never throw one! He loves crabs, and nipples! He’d never hurt either!” Trucy said, beginning to cry. “He… I can’t let him go to the slammer for life for that! I can’t let him wither away there! He’s seen too many homies behind bars for crab-related incidents! I can’t let him be one of them!” Phoenix shushed her.
“Truce… I gotcha. Don’t worry. Besides, I owe him one for snapping Luke Atmey’s disgusting schnoz… I mean, that instantly made me respect him. All of my respect goes to that man for stopping that gross, pasty-ass former detective from messing with you. And well, I hated Atmey anyways.” Phoenix said.
“I mean… That bitch was fuckin’ UGLY!” Maya yelled. Everyone laughed at once.
“Ha…! He did have a good soundtrack, though…!” Diego said. “Remember that, Wright? I was there. I began my little test to you there. You remember that? Those were funny times…”
“Yeah…” Phoenix said, sighing. “I definitely remember that. But anyways, yeah, I’ll defend him. Don’t you worry.” Trucy clapped and gave Phoenix a hug from behind. However, the position Trucy was in nearly blocked Diego’s rear-view mirror. But he didn’t need it anyways, he had instinct.
“Thanks, daddy! I owe ya one, yo!” Trucy tipped her hat. “I’m going back to Rock-Paper-Scissors now… Apollo’s looking pretty antsy.” Phoenix looked back at Apollo, who was indeed antsy. Rocking back and forth in the trunk, just waiting to shoot his next rock, paper, or scissors.
Some time passed, and they made it to the local Dairy Queen. Ice cream was had, and enjoyed by all. The ride home was similarly smooth, however, one little interaction had gotten to Phoenix in the time there.
“Yo! Hey, sis!” Maya said.
“Hm?” Mia looked back.
“Yo… You know what I really like in dudes?”
“Oh, do tell.” Mia mischievously giggled with her one hand over her mouth like the mischievous anime femme fatale.
“I like… I dunno. Rockin’ abs. Yeah… Like, chiseled. Like… Right out of an old Renaissance statue. I mean… You know, you got a dude who has a good set of abs? Perfect man. Honestly. Like… If I had a man with good abs? I’d about die. Like… of craziness! Haha…” Maya said, slurring her words. Mia agreed with this and also laughed.
“I know, right? I’m so lucky my little cup of joe has the best fucking eight-pack I’ve ever seen! I mean, I saw it last night. It was rockin’. You been training, babe?” Mia asked.
“Ha…! Of course. Always on the grind…!” Diego laughed.
“Whaddaya think, Nick? Good abs? Yeah? You like ‘em?” Maya started poking at Phoenix’s shoulder. Phoenix merely was looking down at his stomach. He had put on a few pounds in his day. Still a good weight for the age, but sadly, he was not the same as he once was. Starting to put on a little dad bod, even. He merely sighed at this.
“Maya… You know we don’t talk about that stuff…” Phoenix sighed, grumpily.
“Whaaaatttt? It’s just like… Some conversation. Some small talk! I mean, I don’t exclusively love men with rock hard abs! I love you! But I also like abs!” Maya said, in her drunkenness, she hadn’t realized that she had been striking one of Phoenix’s most contentious and self-conscious bones.
“Abs are so cool!” Apollo said, getting up, perfectly balancing despite having a moving car under his feet. “Even I’ve got some, see?! See!?” Apollo said, pulling up his red suit. A light shined from his stomach as it revealed he wasn’t just cut, he wasn’t just ripped, he was jacked. Mia, Maya, and Pearl all looked back at him in amazement.
“Whoa…! Now I wanna hug and kiss Mr. Justice even more!” Pearl said, excitedly. “I bet his abs feel amazing!”
“Pearl… What did we talk about?” Phoenix said, getting more and more dejected as this conversation went on. “You don’t want to go down that road… And besides, they’re not that great…”
“What are you fucking talking about, Nick!? Holy shit!” Maya yelled. “Abs are SO hot. Like, yoinka-yoink!” She then finally took a good look at his face, and realized he was looking quite down. Maya then snuggled up closer to him. “But don’t worry. You’ll always be my Ace… Attorney.” she said, affectionately snuggling close to him, her head on his chest. This did comfort Phoenix somewhat.
“Even with all… My lack thereof?” Phoenix asked.
“I mean, hey, dick’s good.” She responded. Phoenix turned beet-red, like a field of beets. Mia merely sighed, and made a chuckle, her face in her hand.
“I can’t believe she just said that…”
“G-Gaaaahh!!! Stop!!” Trucy shrieked, pulling her hat down over her face. “Stopitstopitstopit!” Everyone began to laugh.
“Ha…! These guys are a riot!” Diego snarked as everyone continued to laugh their way home.
As the group finally made it back home, the night felt peaceful. Despite the wacky antics that had ensued on this ride, a sense of ease, and a calm breeze blew through the air. A feeling of accomplishment had resonated through all of their hearts. Phoenix looked back at his house, happy to be home. He hobbled up close to it, and held his arms out. “Ahh… This house. It hugs me!” Maya, her arm around his shoulder, helped him walk towards the front. “You miss the place, Truce?”
“Yeah. Like no other.” Trucy, she said, yawning. She was very sleepy.
“Haha, well… Off to the racecar bed for you! I guess you could say you’ll be… drifting off into sleep!” Phoenix said, arms out. Everyone laughed, and Trucy tiredly walked up to Phoenix, giving him a big hug.
“I missed you all so much… And I… I… Hhhhh…” she drifted off into sleep mid-sentence. Diego walked over and picked her up, as to carry her inside.
“Well… Guess we’re all off to bed, huh?” Diego asked.
“Yup…” Mia gave a little wink to Diego, as she in fact, wasn’t tired and had some other plans. Diego picked up on this cue, and winked back (though you couldn’t see it).
“Enough meandering around, let’s get to bed already!” Maya announced. After she swiped the keys and jumbled with the locks, she opened the door and everyone scrambled back inside the Wright residence. Into the warm beds, couches, and otherwise they could rest in. And finally, they could rest with ease, knowing that not only was Payne defeated, but Trucy was safe and sound. Although many more trials and tribulations awaited, one thing was for certain: the bond between nakama is eternal. And these nakama… Could sleep another night.
March 31st, 9:00 P.M.
Providence
Outside the Bathrooms
Back at the restaurant, Larry emerged from the bathrooms. It took him quite a long time, but he had done it. Some hours prior, after taking a quick scrub in one of the sinks, he waited for his special moment to strike. In nothing but his tighty-whities, he knocked out an unsuspecting server who entered the room, and swapped his clothes with them. Shittily tying on the bowtie, Larry felt as if he could finally qualify for Edgeworth’s dress code. “Heh heh… Wait till they see me in this! Took forever, but I’m ready! Mmmm, I’m fuckin hungry! Yeah!”
Larry lankily sauntered into the banquet room, thinking his “friends” and food would be there. But… It seemed the room was completely cleaned out. All that was there was the Bellboy, straightening things out as closing time would soon arrive. “Uhhhh… Where is everyone?” Larry blinked. “Hey, you!” he said, poking the Bellboy.
“Hmm? Oh, you… Weren’t you… With the Edgeworth party?”
“Yeah, where’d they go? I mean… I only just went to the bathroom, like… I dunno, fifteen minutes ago? Or something?”
“Um... Well. It’s been… About an hour since they left.”
“Shit, what?!”
“Yes, it’s 9:00 P.M. It’s closing time, actually. We’re just waiting for the rest of the patrons to finish their meals, and we’re closing our doors.”
“Oh, uh…” This made Larry feel a little bad about the waiter he just knocked out, so he undressed right there, and gave the clothes to the Bellboy. “Sorry about that, man… Go return these to the poor guy in the shitters, ‘K? Thanks.”
“Wh-what?” The Bellboy asked in response. Before he could question further, Larry was out of there. As he walked through the restaurant, checking his phone, humming to himself, he found himself bumping into a strange gothic-looking woman. She looked back at him, her raven hair flipping around.
“May I help you?” She asked. Her and Larry’s eyes met. “Hee hee hee…”
Chapter 34: The Obligatory Hot Springs Chapter
Summary:
Wrapping up Part II: The Payneful Turnabout is a celebration among the entire gang. Phoenix, Edgeworth, and the others all get together at the hot springs to celebrate their victory against Winston and Gaspen Payne! What character development awaits our heroes in this steamy, sexy, and sometimes even silly chapter? And what may await our heroes in the next episode? Find out here.
Chapter Text
April 5th, 2:00 P.M.
District Court
Lobby
“Well, Mr. Jackson! You’re a free man.” Phoenix said with a proud smile. Trucy was there also, to celebrate the freedom of Mr. Jackson. Today, Phoenix fulfilled his promise to Trucy- A promise to fulfill his promise - a promise to free Tyrome Jackson: Trucy’s newest friend and ally. And he did. Tyrome Jackson, in his 7 foot tall stature (very rare and impressive), was elated, tears in his eyes. He used both of his hands to shake Phoenix’s hand. The intensity of Tyrome Jackson’s shake nearly caused Phoenix to wiggle around, much akin to a wacky waving inflatable arm tube man.
“God damn! I can’t thank you enough, man! I mean… I mean, you saved me! You gave me my family back, man! Shit!”
Trucy hopped up and down, “You know, I got you a gift, Mr. Jackson! To celebrate your freedom!” Tyrome Jackson made a big clap.
“Wh-whoa?! A gift!? For me?! You didn’t have to, girlie!”
“Oh, but I did!” Trucy said with a little wink. She took her hat off, and with what could only be a dark, satanic art (Or just a very large hat), she pulled a very large T-shirt out. All black, with a very cute cartoon crab on it. In big letters (impact font), the shirt read: “I LOVE CRABS.” Tyrome Jackson gasped.
“Whoooooaaaa! God DAMN, I love crabs!” he said, holding the shirt close to his heart.
“Yeah!! I knew you’d like it!” Trucy said.
“Well, Mr. Jackson. Is there anything else we can do for you?” Phoenix asked. Tyrome Jackson merely shook his head.
“Oh, naw! You guys did more than enough for old me! And besides, I gotta go pick up my son Tyrell Jackson! Mama’s throwing a party to celebrate! Ol’ Louisiana cookin’! Mmm-mmm-mmm!”
“Oh, that sure sounds fun! I hope you have a good day, Mr. Jackson. And, a good rest too. You earned it.” Phoenix said, nodding his head to him in affirmation. Tyrome Jackson opened his arms, and pulled both Phoenix and Trucy in for a big group hug. He very easily lifted their little bodies off the floor, as well as cracking their backs in the process. Phoenix greatly appreciated this, as he has horrible back pain due to his age and profession. After plopping the two down, Tyrome Jackson saw his car outside the doorway. “Well! There’s my ride! I’ll see y’all later!” he said, as he began to walk towards the double doors.
“Bye, Mr. Tyrome Jackson!!” Trucy waved.
“Goodbye!” Phoenix joined in waving. Tyrome Jackson continued to walk towards the doors, but not without a quick turn, and the finger guns.
“Stay chill!” And with that… He was gone. Phoenix stretched, and let out a huge scream. A random old lady passerby was rather concerned by this, and Trucy looked at him with concern as well.
“WELP!” Phoenix began. “Am I pooped! I mean… First the Payne trial, my foot hurts, and this! It was a short trial, and… Pathetically easy, I mean… Like. Frank Sahwit easy. Easier, even! I mean. Shit. That witness testimony? Damn. It was obvious Cra B. Thrower was the culprit.” Trucy nodded.
“Yeah. Things have been crazy lately.” Trucy said.
“No kidding… If only we could go somewhere relaxing. Perhaps somewhere… Hot. Steamy. Featuring water, in some capacity…” All of a sudden, Phoenix’s phone rang, the classic Steel-Samurai! jingle buzzing through his pants. Phoenix whipped it out with resolve. “Hold on, let me get this,” he said, as he opened his phone and picked up, without fail.
Call Log: April 5th
Yo, Nick! It’s me, Maya! Maya Fey! You know, your GIRLFRIEND?!
Y-yes, Maya… I know who you are. What’s up?
So… Get this. I called Mr. Edgeworth. And we just booked a whole TWO DAYS at Mr. Kitaki’s Steamy Inn, right by the mountainside! Or, as you’d say in Japanese.... Hold on, Google Translating…
Wh-wha-
Kitaki no yuge no yado! (北木の湯気の宿)
Oh! Wow!! I was literally just talking about how I wanted to go somewhere hot, steamy, and featuring water in some capacity!
I know, right?! I’m so smart. Teehee! And, it’s also an inn! So, you and I get our own room, and… Oh, yeah, also, since Edgeworth is paying, everyone’s gonna be there. Consider it… Part two of our little post-Payne celebration!
Wow… Uh, you said it’s near the mountainside? Like, near the temple?
Look, I know what you’re thinking. But don’t worry! It’s on the other side of the mountain, okay?
Oh, good. Wait… Did you say Kitaki?
Yeah! What about it?
Uh… Shit, I’ll tell ya later…
Anyways! We’re going tomorrow! So… I hope you’re ready! Oh, and, don’t worry, I packed the condoms…
Sh-shh! Don’t say that! You’re embarrassing me!
Literally, nobody can hear us. Well, except Mia. She’s giggling.
Fucking… Unnngghhh… Alright, I’ll talk to you later.
Okay! Bye-eeeeee!
END CALL LOG
Phoenix pocketed his phone once more, turned to Trucy, looking her dead in the eye. “We’re going to the hot springs!!!”
April 6th, 9:00 A.M.
Edgeworth Estate
Breakfast Nook
“Gumshoe~! Ms. Byrde~!” Edgeworth announced in a sing-song manner. Gumshoe and Maggey ran into the breakfast nook, bags in hand. Plates of breakfast were abound. “Are you two all packed? I prepared a light breakfast before we head off. I heard they serve very good Asian cuisine over at the springs, but there’s nothing more important than some morning time energy!” Edgeworth said, sipping on his tea.
“You bet your ass we’re packed, Pal!” Gumshoe said, saluting, as Maggey did the same.
“Yes sir, we’re ready sir!” Maggey said.
“Good, now eat up, quickly! We must pick up Ms. Skye in a moment. She says she doesn’t want to drive, to save gas money. Hah! Pennies on the dollar!” Miles judged. Gumshoe nodded, as he had four sausages sticking out his mouth. He swallowed them all at once, and then scooped the eggs into his gob. Maggey, too, was eating rather rapidly. After the three had finished their meals, they quickly loaded up bags, and entered Edgeworth’s barn-red (#7C0A02) Alfa Romeo GTV. As Edgeworth revved the engine, Gumshoe and Maggey, in unison, clicked their belt buckles.
“This is so cool!” Maggey squawked. “I’ve never been in such a cool car before! I only drive lemons…”
“You haven’t seen nothing yet!” Edgeworth smirked. “Now… We ride!” With that, they were off to Ema’s neighborhood.
April 6th, 9:15 A.M.
Ema Skye’s Abode
The Streets
Ema was standing outside her one-story house. She noticed the eye-piercing red of the Alfa Romeo GTV, shining down the street. Edgeworth pulled up, and honked his horn very loudly. It shook the entire neighborhood. “Fucking… I know you’re there! Why do you have to honk!?” She said, walking up to the car. Edgeworth honked once more, which caused her to jump in surprise. “FUCK!” she screamed, as she popped the trunk, threw her bag in, and slid into the back seat.
April 6th, 9:16 A.M
Edgeworth’s Barn-Red (See above for hexcode) Alfa Romeo GTV
The Back Seat
“God damn… my ears are ringing. Mr. Edgeworth, why’d you have to fucking honk?!”
“It’s cool, Ms. Skye. It’s very, very cool.” Edgeworth said, tapping on the steering wheel. She thought he looked so cool and hunky when he did that, that she completely forgot about how annoying the horn was.
“Well, anyways! Thanks for the ride. Klavier and his ‘boyfriend’ offered to take me on the bike, but… Yeah, no… Not going to go through that again.” Ema sighed.
“Gee whiz, Pal! I’d have taken your place!” Gumshoe remarked. “I love bikes! I always wanted a Harley…”
“Hmm…” Edgeworth didn’t say anything, but he had an idea for a future Christmas present. (Foreshadowing callback). “Anyways, enough lollygagging! We must ride to the hot springs! It’s very important we be there before Wright, because I like being early, and making him think that I’m better! It’s for my image, you see.” They all agreed to this, because it was funny to majorly pwn Phoenix sometimes, for the lulz. “Let’s go!” Edgeworth said, as he slammed on the gas, breaking the speed limit in these 25 mph neighborhood streets. Tire burns had been left on the streets, leaving a trail of blue flames. How were they blue? They were very hot. And because Edgeworth is cool. And rich.
April 6th, 9:00 A.M.
Phoenix’s Home
The Living Room
“Everyone, everyone! We gotta get ready! We have to be there before Edgeworth does! We have to get there first so I can look better than him! It’s for my image, you see,” Phoenix announced. The home was in pure chaos. People were scrambling, packing bags and other such activities. It was like the one scene in Home Alone where the whole family is packing their bags and it plays that one Christmas song.
“I’m ready, Mr. Wright!” Apollo said, shaking the water off his hair like a cat, as he was fresh out of the shower. Somehow, his two spikes managed to form from this, shining light and sparkling. He wore nothing but swim trunks and little shoulder floaties, but also packed his suit just in case he needed it.
“Dressed for the occasion, I see.” Phoenix commented.
“Oh you bet! I’m so excited! Never been to one of these before! Can’t wait to go swimming! It’ll be like… It’ll be so cool! Like the ocean! But warm…” Apollo clearly misunderstood what a hot spring was.
“Yes, yes. Is everyone ready?”
Maya nodded, Trucy nodded. Apollo was already taking bags out to the front, where Diego and Mia were to pick them up. But Pearl… Where was Pearl?
“Pearl?” Phoenix asked. He looked behind him, and noticed Pearl was merely staring at Apollo, drooling at the sight of his rock-hard abs. Phoenix had no idea still how Apollo had abs, he never saw the man working out a day in his life. And why Pearl was so infatuated with him, he understood even less.
“Oh, god…” Phoenix sighed. Maya side-eyed Phoenix. Clearly, she didn’t like what was going on.
“We’re gonna have to break this, aren’t we?” she whispered to Phoenix.
“Yeeeaaahhh… But, let’s figure that out later, we have some hot springing to do!” Everyone cheered at this. And, as timing would have it, Diego’s Subaru Outback pulled up to the front. He honked, just once.
“He’s here! He’s here!!” Apollo yelled, excitedly, as he ran with the bags to the trunk, and tossed them all in, and entered as well. Trucy, being the other trunk-dweller, made her way in as well. The others shuffled into the car.
April 6th, 9:05 A.M.
Diego’s Subaru Outback
The Interior
“Ha…!” Diego said, adjusting his mirrors. “Good to see you all…!”
“Hello, everyone!” Mia waved. She had her hair in a very cute style. With an epic braid in it. She was feeling spicy that day (and would later that night, as well).
“Hiiiii!” Everyone said in unison.
“Are you all ready to go? Everything packed? I don’t want to waste gas money, you know…! That shit’s expensive! Thanks (insert president of the United States in 2030 here).”
“YEAH!” They all yelled in unison. The group was very in-sync today.
“Then let’s ride! Oh, also, kid.”
“Yeah!?” Apollo asked.
“I got Robocop 2 on the DVD. Not as good, but… It’ll suffice.” Diego said, as Apollo gasped.
“Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you! I LOVE Robocop!”
“I know, kid! I know.”
The drive was smooth, thanks to the rugged power of the Subaru Outback. Any bumps, lumps, and rumps in the road were naught but a second thought for the incredible off-road tires installed on the chrome rims. Anything, such as pebbles, rocks, and bugs were no match for the Subaru Outback’s exterior, made of the strongest of materials, whatever they may be.
“Ha…! All terrain, baby!” Diego muttered to himself. Mia knew Diego was very passionate about his car, almost as much as he was passionate over coffee.
“Are we there yet?!” Maya whined. “I’m hungry!”
“Darling, you’re always hungry!” Phoenix said to her. “I told you to pack a snack!”
“Blaaaahhhh…” Maya blah’d. “Hey, can we stop at a Burger King or something?! I want a Whopper! Even if it makes me… Y’know. It’s worth the pain!”
“Nope. No Burger Kings for miles. We’re in the California wilds now…” Diego said to her.
“But I can see an exit sign for a Cracker Barrel over there!” Trucy pointed out.
“Nope! No Cracker Barrel either. Besides… We want to get there before that rich prosecutor guy, right?” Phoenix nodded with resolve.
“Yes! We’ll beat him to the punch without fail! You can wait, honey.” he said, patting Maya’s thigh. Apollo thought the phrase ‘Without fail’ was super cool, and stored it in his memory banks for later.
“Uuuuuggggghhhh…” Maya sighed once more. She pulled out a single Nutter Butter from her robe. “I guess this can hold me over!” She said as she shoved the entire thing down her maw. Everyone laughed in unison, and the theoretical camera zoomed out and panned up to the sky, like you’d see in a comedic scene in an anime.
The drive continued for miles. Laughs were had, and Robocop 2 was watched. At one point, the entire crew began to sing the That 70s Show theme song.
“HELLO WISCONSIN!” Apollo screamed, so loudly that everyone in about a square mile heard him. Birds flew from the trees, and it felt like his Chords of Steel had caused one of those classic California earthquakes. Silly California, what with all those natural disasters! What a funny state!
April 6th, 10:05 A.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
The Parking Lot
“We’re gonna make it! We’re gonna make it!!!” Phoenix yelled. “We’re gonna beat Miles! Finally, I’m better than him at something! Come on, Mr. Armando!!! FLOOR IT!!” Diego merely nodded, and then floored it. They sped towards the dirt-laden lot with impetuousness, and inched ever-so-closer to the inn. However, as Diego began to slow down to stop in his parking spot, the barn-red Alfa Romeo GTV sped even faster, as Edgeworth inside it slammed on the brakes. Both cars seemingly made a stop at the exact same time.
“NOOOOO!!! Is anyone recording?! Is anyone recording that!? I demand a finishing line camera slow-motion moment! Come on!!!” Phoenix yelled frantically, as he jumped out of the Subaru Outback and knocked on Edgeworth’s window, causing him to roll it down.
“Oh! Hello, Wright. Looks like we tied this time. Hah hah. Right, Wright?” Edgeworth was keeping up a nice appearance on the outside, but on the inside he was seething and fuming.
“...Yeah…” Phoenix said, glaring.
“Oh, well! Let’s enjoy a nice soak, shall we? Oh, and we got the premium package. Which means full dinner, and we have the entire inn to ourselves. Isn’t it lovely, being rich?”
“Hah… Yeah… It is.” Phoenix said. “Well, thanks!” This all worked in Phoenix’s favor. He was, indeed, very happy to rest, rewind, and relax at the hot springs. Things were about to be epic!
“Yo!” Klavier and Daryan said, sitting on the stairs near the doors. Phoenix and Edgeworth’s eyes simultaneously popped out of their sockets.
“EEEEHHHH?!” they both screamed.
“Hah! Took ya long enough, losers! We got here first!” Daryan laughed and then stuck out his tongue. Klavier merely chuckled.
“Can’t beat the rad!” Klavier snapped, pointing at the two.
“Well, dammit. I should have took him into consideration.” Edgeworth mumbled to himself, stroking his chin. “I could have beaten both of them if I thought about it a bit harder. Oh well… Time for a soak. Everyone, are you ready for the days of our lives?!” Everyone gave a mighty cheer, aside from the folks who were unloading bags, this being Apollo Justice and Dick Gumshoe.
“Alright!” Edgeworth clapped, signaling for everyone to come in. “It is time for us to cook in this spring. Somewhat akin to a juh, and even, dare I say, boiling like a fine stew.”
“Mmmm… Stew.” Gumshoe said, rubbing his tummy in hunger. Everyone ushered into the lobby of Kitaki’s Steamy Inn.
April 6th, 10:23 A.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
The Lobby
“Welcome to Kitaki’s Steamy Inn. You the ones with the reservations?” A large, intimidating figure said, standing behind the counter.
“Wait a minute…!” Apollo said, many bags and cases in hands. “I know you!! You’re…”
“You already know my name, kids.” It was… Winfred “Big Wins” Kitaki?!
“W-wait… K-Kitaki?!” Phoenix gasped. “Like, actually the Kitakis?! The big crime syn-”
“Ay, No no no. We don’t talk about that here.” Big Wins said, his large fuzzy eyebrows (like a caterpillar) lowered, an air of intimidation echoing off of him. It was almost as if he displayed his immense Haoshoku Haki (That’s the color of the supreme ruler, for those of you unacquainted with Haki). “We’re out of that business, merely a humble family running a nice little onsen.”
“Whoaaaa… That’s so cool!” Trucy beamed. “I missed you guys! You haven’t been in any game since 2007!”
“Yeah, yeah. Well, still better than those damn Cadaverinis… They haven’t been in a game since ‘05! Hahahaha! Don’t even get me started on those motherfuckers. Stupid fuckin’ dago-”
“Hey, hey, honey! Don’t get so excited!” Said a familiar voice. She entered the room, from the back office. It was… Plum Kitaki?! She bounded over, with her large body next to her husband behind the counter. “Anyways, come in, come in! Enjoy yourselves!” Little Plum said, broom in hand, constantly sweeping at nothing. “Make yourself at home! Settle yourselves into your rooms… But don’t go anywhere… Prohibited…” she said, pulling the handle of her broom, to reveal a large katana.
“That’s my sexy sugar bear!” Big Wins said with a hand around his wife’s ample left buttock.
“Yes, yes… Go ahead everyone. I’ll handle the logistics…” Miles said. “I’ll join you all shortly.”
“Oh, remember everyone! This spring ain’t got none of that gender-separation bullshit! We here at the Kitaki’s Steamy Inn embrace puss, cock, tits, balls, all of the above! That’s what world peace looks like! But… If any of you are more… Old-fashioned, we’ve got plenty of private springs. I mean, there’s like, literal acres of this place. I bought the entire eastern mountainside of Eagle Mountain! Hahahaha… Good investment.”
Everyone acknowledged this, though some did think the whole “equality” schtick was naught more than the Kitaki’s perverse nature. As everyone shuffled into their rooms, and Edgeworth stayed back to pay the fees, people began to get settled in, though there was more action in the halls than one would be led to believe.
“Yo, yo, yo! Is that A-dog and T-dizzle?! My homies on the STREET?! Shieeet!” A young familiar figure said to Apollo and Trucy, who were merely hanging about in the cool Japanese-styled halls. It was… Wocky Kitaki!?
“WOCKY!!!!” Trucy and Apollo both beamed with joy as they ran up to hug him in a big group hug.
“Yo, shit, man! Missed y’alls BAD! I mean… Damn! You guys saved my life, man!” Trucy did her classic hat-tip and tongue-stick-out sprite.
“Yeah, we do save lots of lives at the Wright Anything Agency. Including my own! We’re just cool like that.”
“Aw, shit man!” Wocky smiled, his gold grills blasting the two’s eyes with light. “Almost hit the slammer, huh?”
“Yup! Not the first time!” Trucy rolled her eyes and laughed. “But I’m good now!” She said, seemingly over the horrible stress and trauma that the prior days had instilled within her.
“Damn, that’s good man! Yo, you want my mixtape?” Wocky asked, seemingly out of nowhere. He was passionate about making it big as a Drill rapper, though he failed to understand that Drill was primarily a UK-based subgenre of rap. He did not, in fact, live in the UK, or have any ties to the Brits, but regardless, he felt passionate about this.
“Aweeesommmeeee!” Trucy said, taking a copy. “I’ll listen to it later tonight!”
“That’s what I wanna hear girl! Shiet!” Wocky clapped.
“Well, I’ll catch up with you later, Mr. Kitaki!” Apollo said. “I’ve gotta help my crew unpack!”
“Yeah, yeah, I dig it. I gots ‘ta head backs ‘ta work too! Catch y’alls in the ‘juh!” Wocky said, as he returned to work. “As they say back in the motherland, jaaanaaaaa!!” Wocky walked away, waving.
Meanwhile, other kinds of trouble was brewing in Kitaki's Steamy Inn. As Edgeworth walked into the now-empty halls, with everyone settling in their rooms, he made his way to find his own chamber. However, it seemed as if something in his senses was going off. “I feel… A chill…” Edgeworth muttered to himself. A chill that felt familiar, a sense of dread, even greater than the dread he would feel at the trembling of an earthquake, within elevators, or merely thinking of his troubled past. “No… It can’t be… I must be imagining things… There’s no way that she-”
“EDGEEEY-POOOOOOOO!”
“...Fuck…” Edgeworth sighed.
“I’m here for you, my love!!!” The familiar old hag figure screamed, rushing down the halls at a frightening speed for her age. It was none other than the infamous, the feared, the dreaded, and even, the legendary… Wendy Oldbag?!?!
“What are you doing here?! And how are you even still alive?!” Edgeworth asked, in true horror, suddenly becoming very defensive. The old bag, in her traditional Kitaki’s Steamy Inn work-uniform yukata, did her classic hand-waving motion.
“Oh, you know! I’ve got to pay the bills somehow! I’m working security details!” Edgeworth wondered how a woman of her age and stature was able to handle the physical toll of being a security guard, especially at a place so big-business as this.
“Well… Er… Um… I really must be going-”
“Ohhhh! Let me join you! Can I help you get… Settled?” Wendy asked.
“Nope.” Edgeworth scuttled off away from her as fast as he could.
“Oh… Just you wait, Edgey-poo… I’ll see you later. And finally, I’ll see it too… Ohohohoho… Hehehehehe… Mwee-hee-hee!” The old, wrinkled hag giggled to herself in a sickly fashion.
April 6th, 12:00 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
Phoenix’s Room
Some time later, as people were washed off, shuffling into the springs, one couple was a little late to the party. Phoenix and Maya. Merely donned in towels, there was a bit of a delay going on in this side of town.
“Niiiiiiiiick… I wanna go in the springs already! Come on, I get to see your sexy bod, I can’t WAIT!” Maya said with hunger in her eyes, but this time? It wasn’t just for burgers. (To be ever-so-blunt, it was for Phoenix’s penis.)
“I… I don’t know, Maya… You can go without me…”
“What’s wrong?!” Maya asked, whimpering.
“I just… I don’t know. They’re all gonna judge me out there!”
“What?! No way. Are you stupid?! You’re a hunk, Nick!”
“Ehhh…”
“Come on! Everyone here is our friend! And family, in some cases… But you don’t have to worry about that! Nobody’s even gonna notice you! Except me, and I like noticing you, Nick!”
“I guess… Okay.” Phoenix sighed, letting out a smile. Maya got up, promptly grabbing Phoenix by the ear and dragging him through the halls. She was very excited. It was gonna be amazing, warm, and possibly even nice.
April 6th, 12:05 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
The Hot Springs
Steam bellowed from the springs, signifying the warm and inviting nature of it. The mountainside springs were blissful, especially the large central pool, the top of it cloaked in trees. Smaller, more private springs had been scattered throughout the area, with such people as Pearl and Trucy hanging out in their own little slice of heaven. It felt a little weird for them to hang out with all these naked men, so they decided to keep one spring to themselves.
“Ahh, isn’t this nice, Pearl?” Trucy sighed in relief.
“Yeah… This is wonderful! But… Don’t you kinda want to see the boys?” Pearl asked, hands together.
“Kind of, but… My dad is out there. I mean… I don’t want to see that! I wouldn’t mind looking at those Gavinner boys though… Hoo! But, you know what else? I don’t want to see Apollo. Something about that would be weeeeeird… I know we’re not related, but he feels kind of like a brother to me. Maybe like… A half-brother even? I dunno. I don’t want to see his peepee.” Pearl gasped. She couldn’t believe that Trucy didn’t want to see everything Apollo had to offer.
“But, I wanna see Apollo!” Pearl blushed. Trucy put her finger to her chin.
“Ooooooohhh…? So you like him? Like… Like like him?” Pearl put her hands on her face in response, looking down, directing her eyes away from Trucy.
“He’s so… Brave! And smart! And hunky and strong! I just… He seems perfect! I know Mr. Nick keeps saying ‘Oh, you don’t want to go down that road, Pearls!’ But I don’t even know what that means! I mean… What’s not to love?!” Pearl giggled, beet-red as a tomato. Trucy personally couldn’t see the appeal in Apollo, a natural instinct of her’s rejecting it.
“Well… You can always try spying through the bushes! I’m not gonna join, but if you do see the Gavinners, and not my dad or Apollo out there, just them! And Mr. Hunk, that’s what I wanna see! If you see that, tell me, and if you see it quickly, just tell me what happened. Every juicy detail: Length, girth, size, coloration, circumcision status, level of hairiness, ball size, sagginess, and texture.” Trucy listed. Pearl was so embarrassed by this, she turned her head towards the water.
“Oooh! Um, well… I… If I can remember those, I’ll do it for you, Trucy!” Pearl said. “I’m gonna see Apollo without fail!” She said, leaning into the bushes and staring out.
Pretty much everyone was already situated, mostly. Daryan was not out yet, as to the fact that he had to wash tons and tons of product out of the pomp, but most others were there. Diego was next to Mia, arm around her. Gumshoe was around Maggey, arm around her, hand firmly grasping one of her breasts. Pearl thought this was a very romantic thing to do. Edgeworth was sitting around, though he seemed slightly nervous about something. Phoenix and Maya were also next to one another, but Phoenix seemed a little more reserved. Klavier was sitting back, snapping his finger away. His hair looked very sexy down. And of course, he still had the classic Gavinners necklace on, right between the tits. While this was sexy, she really wanted to see Apollo. Where was he? Where could he be?
Suddenly, bubbles emerged from the depths of the hot spring. Pearl leaned in closer through the bushes. The bubbles began to get stronger, and finally, as if fate would have it, out he came. Apollo Justice, God of the Sun (ironically, merging from the foamy waters in an Aphrodite-esque birth, so, nothing that had to do with the sun), flew out from the water. He flipped his hair back sexily. He had nice, firm, perky pecs, with godlike, chiseled, washboard abs to boot. The droplets of water glistened off his body in the rays of the sun. She watched as the beads of water slid down towards his… particulars. Unfortunately, she couldn’t see them. But, he emerged enough to where his V could be seen. Sharp hip angles and a surprising happy-trail marked the area that Pearl desired. His V-veins signified to her that his penis must be of considerable size. Not only were his pecs, his abs, and everything on the torso so sexy, his arms too. They weren’t huge, but they were toned. Pearl could tell there was strength lying beneath those everyday clothes. His shoulders were defined, and his collarbone pronounced - you could balance a quarter on that. But, it wasn’t just the body that had caused Pearl such dumbfoundment and amazement. It was the man inside the body. It was Apollo’s way with words that truly sent Pearl over the edge. Apollo, finally done with his dramatic posing, merely uttered the words, in reference to one of his most beloved forms of media and films, Fat Albert: “Hey hey hey!” he announced. Diego and some of the others laughed, finding this funny, but Pearl? She found it most appealing of them all. The sound of those Chords of Steel was like a hot knife through cold butter. Pearl felt as if a cannon had struck her right in the gut, and she tumbled back into the water. She emerged from the depths of the small spring, merely breathing heavily.
“Are you okay, Pearly?” Trucy asked, concerned for her friend.
“I… I saw… Him…” Trucy’s eyes widened.
“Oh? Ooooh! What happened?”
“He… He emerged from the water… He looked like a god! I don’t know what this feeling even is! I… I… Am I in love?!” Pearl said, hand on her heart. Trucy gave her a big smile.
“I think you are~!” Trucy said. “I mean, clearly, I can tell. And I know when someone’s in love. I’ve never been with anyone, but I mean, I know.” Pearl gasped and joined hands with Trucy.
“I gotta confess to him! At some point!”
“Yeah, go for it, girlfriend.” Trucy chuckled. She thought Pearl’s infatuation was quite adorable. “Ahh, young love. To be so innocent, yo…” Just then, Ema joined the other two, trying her best to get away from Klavier and Daryan.
“Fuck, man. I can’t be near those two… Hey, what’s up? I’m staying here now. Did I miss anything cool?” Pearl and Trucy both squee’d.
“We’ve gotta tell you all about it, Ms. Skye!!” Pearl announced.
April 6th, 1:30 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
The Hot Springs
The relaxation and fun continued in the pool for a long time. It was just the right temperature so that nobody felt as if they were about to die of incredibly high blood pressure, as many hot tubs at places such as public pools do pose that risk, thusly banning people under the age of 16 as their little weak baby hearts cannot handle the heat. Nor can many young children afford to enter a public pool, as they are jobless and need the help of a parent or guardian’s wages to get in. As Arlong the Fishman of Arlong Pirates, and formerly Sun Pirates fame once said: “If you can’t bring the cash, then you’re in with the trash. And feel free to quote me! Hahahahahaha!” But anywho, that was beside the point. The point was, the water was fine. Daryan finally came out of the Kitaki-brand Room of Cleansing (What they wouldn’t tell you is that this is merely a glorified shower room). His hair was so long, and down which was a very, very rare sight. Daryan refused to wash his hair on tours so as to not get rid of the vicious ‘pomp. It took him many hours, at least 6, sometimes more if it were a difficult day to perfectly sculpt it to perfection. But this time, this day was special. He decided to let it all out, and out it was all let. Klavier had seen his hair down before, but since it was on such a rare occasion, he was still impressed nonetheless.
“Dude, your hair looks rockin’!” Klavier said beckoning to his best friend and bro to join him in the juh. Daryan did as such and sat beside the German (Presumably) man. Klavier began to run his fingers through the shark-man’s (not to be confused with Sharkboy, who is played by once-famed actor Taylor Lautner, or Arlong the saw-shark Fishman, played by Jūrōta Kosugi in the original Japanese broadcast of One Piece) hair.
“Whoa, your hair is soooo silky, man! Do you use the Aveeno Conditioner Blackberry Quinoa Protein Blend 12 Ounce (354ml) (2 Pack)?” Klavier asked. He was very well versed in conditioner brands and variations. Daryan was blushing very deeply, as his hot bro weaved his supple fingers through his silky smooth hair, that of which could only be achieved from using Aveeno conditioners.
“H-haha… Yeah, bro.” Daryan said, feeling quite a strange feeling from the touch of another man. He then turned silent, and began staring at Klavier's pecs for a good five minutes in the hot springs. Perhaps it was the steam, but he felt like they were a bit bigger than before. "Ahh, I tell ya, bro..." Klavier began. "Nothing beats today. Two bros, chilling in the hot springs. All these ladies around, and I mean, look at some of these bazongas! Fuckin' huge, man!! Isn't it great?" Klavier noticed Daryan didn't answer at all. "Uh... Bro, you good there? Whatcha looking at?"
"N-Nothing, bro! Haha." Daryan said, realizing what he had been doing. He did, however, agree that the bazongas, particularly what he could see of Mia's, were pretty epic - He just happened to be after more than that on this particular afternoon. "Haha... Yeah. Epic." He then, near instantaneously, went back to staring at the pecs.
“HEY GUYS!!!” A mystery voice of the female variety screeched.
“Who the-?!” Phoenix jumped.
“Wha? An uninvited guest?” Mia said, whipping around to face the guest.
“Huh… Thought we’d be all alone today…” Diego grunted, a little disappointed at additional crowding.
“Who in the hell?” Gumshoe yelled, hand still clutching Maggey’s tit, sometimes giving it a little jiggle. Maggey just looked, rubbing her eyes to signify that she is trying to adjust her vision to get a better look at something.
“Who in blazes?!” Edgeworth gasped, looking at the mystery female. Her silhouette was shrouded in the steam and mist. As all eyes were on her, the steam had begun to settle away from her. It was… Athena Cykes?!
“Speaking of tits!” Klavier announced.
“...Fuck!” Phoenix muttered under his breath. Maya could tell he was very nervous and upset seeing his formerly disgraced underling.
“It’s old Fish Stank again!!” Apollo yelled, emerging once more from the water. “Speaking of fish, I’ve found none! Only a spooky spring monster in the other pool… Well! Back to the water!” Apollo dove down once more. He has been trying to catch a fish this entire time, not realizing that fish are not in these hot springs. It wasn’t very deep.
“Fish stank?!” Athena gasped. “Nawwww! I fixed that! Right, Klavvy-wavvy?! See, he’s so nice! He took me to all kinds of things! Like a gynecologist! And a nutritionist! And a clothes store! And we even rented a dumpster to clean out my apartment! That was the most fun part!” Mia looked back between Phoenix and Athena.
“Who… Who the fuck is this woman?” she asked.
“She’s… My girl! Ja…” Klavier said, smiling, proud of himself. Phoenix had to interject, because that explained nothing to Mia.
“She’s a former apprentice of mine. Used to work for the Agency about a year back. We fired her, because she went crazy and started stinkin’ up the place with her gross fish smell. I don’t know how that happened. But it’s okay, she was b- Oh. Wait. Don’t want to anger the loyal readers again. That’s not a good way to make a first impression, right?”
“Oh…” Mia said, already not approving of this woman.
“But I’m fine now! Wanna smell?!” Athena asked, jutting out her pelvis. Everyone groaned in disgust, and Phoenix turned his head away. Maya continued to comfort him.
“It’s okay, it’s okay… It’ll all be over soon.” She reassured, patting him on the back, wet slaps included.
“I’m just joshin’ y’all!” Athena said.
“How did you even get here anyways?” Edgeworth asked. “This was supposed to be a private occasion! No. Outsiders. And what are you even here for?!”
“Oh, I got in by slipping that big scary Yakuza dude a Benjamin! He was easily convinced. And, if you’re wondering: I’m here for Klavvy-wavvy!” she said with a big smile.
“Oh ja? You comin’ in, babe?” Klavier looked back, winking.
“Nope! Just here to remind you of something. You know… We missed something.” Athena said, bending over, pointing at Klavier.
“You could have just called him… Or texted.” Daryan muttered, arms crossed.
“What’s that? What’d I forget?” Klavier asked.
“We had our special thing planned! You know… The thiiiiing…?”
“The thing?” Klavier pondered for a moment, and instantly remembered. “...Oh. Right. The thing. Ja, I’ve been busy lately, but… Uh… We can uh… Try in three days? Ja, ja… Three days.” Athena smiled and giggled, clapping her hands.
“YAY!!! I’ll be waiting… Jim… Teeheehee…” she said, skipping off out of the springs and back to her apartment. Edgeworth blinked for a few moments, and finally asked:
“Um… Do you mind explaining to us what the fuck that was about?” Miles asked. Klavier put his face into his hand in exhaustion.
“We’re… dating … But I’ve been putting off this thing for a hot minute now. Y’know, I helped her with her problems, cleaned up her apartment, and found her a new job, because she was a MESS. I knew that was something inside of her, a real woman that could be saved. Like… A real, REAL woman. And I tried my best, but… I don’t know how I can get around this one. There’s just one thing that keeps getting in the way...” Klavier sighed. Daryan’s eyes lit up at the prospect of Klavier having relationship troubles. Could this be his chance?
“Well, what is it, Pal?” Gumshoe asked, concerned for his buddy. Klavier pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Well… This… Ugh. We’ve banged before, but she has an unhealthy obsession with certain shows, and she wants me to roleplay as some of the characters. This time… Ugh. She wants me to be Jim, so she can be Pam, you know… From The Office. And, well, she wants to have a big romantic dinner and then straight up fuck. But, like, in character. And man, I really don’t want to. I can’t do it, it’s too weird.”
“Ha…! Looks like you’re stuck in a rut, kid…!” Diego said, taking a hefty swig of coffee.
“Ja… I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Ew, she’s so weird!” Maya piped up. “Like, weirder than I thought! Me and Nick only ever roleplay as Lawyer and Defendant. But her? She’s weird. Fucking freak.” Phoenix was embarrassed by Maya being so open about their sex life.
“I know!” Klavier said, sticking out his hand in accentuation. “Like, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to stop her from being so obsessed with these things! And like, every time I go back to her place, she deteriorates! It’s a mess, wine bottles all over the place, no matter what I do, it seems like if I’m not babying her 24/7, she’s just getting worse and worse! I mean, she’s hot… Pussy’s good too, but like, I can’t handle it anymore…”
“Hah!” Daryan snarked loudly. “Why don’t you just, I dunno, break up with her, bro? Settle for someone, who… Has actually been there for you, and really likes you, and doesn’t rely on you for everything. Like, someone you’ve known for a long time, since you were 14… I dunno, someone like that! I don’t know anyone in particular, but… That seems better than that creature-thing-woman!” Klavier pondered for a second.
“I don’t know, I have to think about it… And… Y’know, there’s another thing. The cat.”
“I love cats!!!” Maggey announced, not having much to add to this conversation. (And, for those of you wondering, yes - Gumshoe’s large hand was still cupping her breast. This has not changed.)
“This cat, man.... I named him Spätzle, he’s so fucking cute! She named him Ross, and that’s fucking stupid, because that’s from Friends. I fucking hate Friends! God, every time she makes me watch that show, I like, want to kill myself!” Klavier said.
“People still watch Friends…? In this day and age?” Mia asked herself. She was honestly shocked that people still enjoyed such a subpar sitcom in this time.
“Why don’t you… Like… Take the cat?” Daryan asked Klavier.
“I… I dunno! It’s kinda complicated! She might flip out. She flipped out at me once… I mean, like, she poured a whole bottle of wine all over my good jacket. It was horrible! Like, straight up domestic dispute. I didn’t like it! But then the next day? She said she was sorry. So I thought it’d be okay, but now I’m scared that there’s gonna be another freak out like that!” Daryan put his arm around Klavier’s shoulder, beginning to stroke it sensually, to make him feel better.
“Listen. You and me, bro. We’re gonna drive over there, and you’re gonna break up with her. AND. We’re gonna steal Sponduli-”
“-Spätzle.”Klavier interrupted.
“Yeah, yeah.” Daryan continued. “Spunkle, or whatever his name is. And then? We’ll go home. And we’ll watch our favorite show: CSI Miami. Because, man? She ain’t good for you. You’re clearly stressed out, and I don’t like it! I’m sure everyone else will agree that you need to dump her ass, no matter how dump-trucky that ass may be. And I’ve just seen it, it’s not that big. You’ve gotta be the dump truck this time, bro.” Daryan however, was lying about this part, Athena was a certified PAWG, but he was trying to make her look worse to convince Klavier to dump her.
“Shit, I agree. You need to get away from her, and FAST.” Phoenix said. “I know how that woman can be… It’s not pretty… And believe me, Mr. Gavin, I’ve had experiences with bad girlfriends before, I know what it’s like. You gotta leave before she tries and fatally poisons you.”
“Ha…!” Diego laughed. “You talking about that Dahlia broad? Tries? She already succeeded at that at least once! Almost twice, but this Puerto Rican blood ain’t gonna go down to no poison! HA…! You hear that, girl!? I LIVED, BITCH!” Only a handful of people understood this. The rest thought he was just a crazy old man, off his meds.
“Yeah, Pal! See the way me and Maggey are?! I don’t see none of that with you and that lady! A good relationship looks like this!” Gumshoe said, giving a firm shake to Maggey’s one tit, and pointing proudly at this action. Apollo then emerged from the water, still no fish in hand.
“I heard the whole thing! You gotta leave her! Besides… I can still smell her from here!” At this comment, everyone erupted in laughter. The three girls in the other pool were wondering what all the hullabaloo was about, but ignored this, and went back to gossiping and other such things. After all, they did have a plan to formulate.
“...You guys are right.” Klavier said. “I can’t live like this. I can’t live with that freak anymore. She’s eating away at my soul, and I’m way too young and sexy for that. Very sexy. Daryan.” Klavier said, looking straight into Daryan’s eyes, his hand on his shoulder.
“Y-yeah bro?” Daryan said, trying his best not to become hard. He did this by thinking of very old ladies.
“We’re gonna go. In three days, you and me are gonna go and I’m gonna dump her. We’re gonna take that cat. And then we’ll go back and watch CSI: Miami. And to do all that… I’m gonna need my best bro. Someone who’s been there for me this whole time. Someone who’s known me since I was 14. My cool… My best friend, Daryan Crescend, ja?” Klavier said.
“Yeah… We’re gonna do it, bro.” Daryan said. (He hoped that, on that day, “do it” would have more than one meaning).
“Yeah! I’m gonna break up with Fraulein Cykes! Ja! Ja!!!” Klavier pumped his fist in the air. Everyone cheered at this, as they all now shared in the hatred of Athena Cykes.
After this, the relaxation continued. Some of those folks were becoming rather pruney, but they didn’t mind, as the water was amazing. But others…
“Ugh, I don’t want to prune too much. I’m already worried enough about my image…” Edgeworth said, covering his nipples with his arms.
“Aw, come on, Pal! You’re fine!” Gumshoe said, giving him a thumbs-up with his non-boob holding hand.
“But… But what about my-”
“Your tiny nips, bro?” Daryan chuckled, smirking devilishly.
“Don’t - Don’t mention that! Not in front of Wright! He’ll judge me.”
“Miles…” Phoenix said sympathetically. “I’ve known about your tiny nips since we were in fourth grade. Remember, we swam at school. I saw them! Y’know, for gym class?”
“But you made fun of them internally, didn’t you?!”
“Nah, didn’t even notice. Well, I did notice, but I didn’t care. I don’t think most of us here care. You seem to be the only one that cares.” Phoenix said. Everyone nodded in agreement, except Daryan, who very much did care and thought it was hilarious that Edgeworth’s nipples were so small and pathetic. Maya gave Phoenix a little nudge - This was a signal to him about his own insecurities, that among friends, nobody would care.
“What?” Phoenix asked.
“Come on, Nick! That was a signal to you about your own insecurities, that among friends, nobody would care! Don’t you read?!” Maya whispered. Phoenix was very embarrassed, and whispered back:
“It’s different when it’s me, you know!”
“Oh yeah? That’s stupid.” Maya whispered, pouting.
“What are you two crazy kids whispering over there, Pals?!” Gumshoe bellowed. He was very nosy.
“Nothing! Just about… Dinner, is all.” Phoenix nervously laughed, doing his little hand behind the head animation that he loves to do in moments of embarrassment and nervousness.
“Oh, food! I love food.” Gumshoe laughed, going back to his business. As things continued to get steamier, Maya saw this as an opportunity. Phoenix felt a little jangle on his dangles, and wondered what this was. He realized - It was Maya’s nubile hand, giving Phoenix a handy! Or, at least, initiating one.
“Whoa.” Phoenix said. This was crazy! “Maya.” Phoenix said, looking at her. She gave him a saucy wink, with her tongue sticking out. Phoenix smirked back, “I didn’t know you were a expeditionist!”
“You mean exhibitionist, Nick. But… I mean, not usually, but I am feeling a little adventurous!” Maya joked.
“Yeah, whatever that is.” Phoenix said. Maya began to tug on his balls two at a time, in stark contrast to Diego - Who only will have his tugged one at a time. Then she started to jerk the ween, as they say. Phoenix felt great, the nice steamy waters were an added bonus, but he knew Maya was only doing this to tease him.
Then he felt the awesome grip of her hand being torn away as some solid form came between him and his lover. “Hey, Nick! Is this seat taken?”
It was… Larry Goddamn Butz (Fully nude edition)!? Everyone groaned at the sight of this man.
“L-Larry, why do you keep coming to torment me?! Are you some kind of banshee! Get out!” Miles angrily pointed. There was Larry, squished in between Phoenix and Maya, with his arms around both their shoulders.
“Heh, c’mon Edgey. I just wanted in on the fun! I’ve never been to one of these babies before. Real nice, I tell ‘ya. I would have been here sooner if you didn’t lose my invitation,” he shrugged.
Miles gritted his teeth, “How did you know we’d be in these springs?! I specifically went out of my way NOT to tell you! And how did you make it past Big Wins?!”
“Oh, heh, well, I saw your car going that way so I thought I’d follow! Cause where Miles Edgeworth goes? There’s ALWAYS a party! Oh, and, we slipped that scary dude a clean Benjamin, he let us stay after that.” Larry responded. Much to everyone’s dismay, they were all now stuck with him.
“…Us?” Phoenix asked, with a tinge of concern. As he said it, a small but menacing presence was felt throughout the springs. Suddenly, bubbles emerged from the depths, and a small woman emerged from the water, slowly.
“Hee hee hee…” she laughed evilly. Everyone gasped and yelled in shock at the sight of this woman. The water seemed to turn a darker color around her, as the atmosphere was filled with purple anime lines of evil and dread, as well as the Japanese character of indeterminate type for “Menacing.”
“Who’s this broad?!” Daryan yelled, in a heavy east coast accent (Believe it or not, he was actually born in Boston. The accent comes out every once in a while), arms out in accentuation.
“Oh god…” Phoenix muttered to himself. He never thought he’d see this deadly, raven-haired maiden ever again.
“Everyone, meet my girlfriend!” Larry announced, pointing straight at her. It was… Viola Cadaverini?!
“Fuck, I remember her…” Diego muttered. “She’s a freak…” he whispered to Mia.
“Yikes…” She said.
“She’s super freakayyyy-YOW!” Apollo just had to add in a heavy Rick James-style accent. He said this in between Mia and Diego, blasting their respective eardrums out.
"Holy shit, Viola!" Maya eeked in excitement, moving towards her for a hug. Phoenix was a little shocked that Maya wasn't as terrified as he was towards her.
"Wait, are you two friends?" he asked in a confused manner.
Maya nodded, "Yep! I was there for her after Furio got sent to jail. He was a horrible boyfriend, so I gave her some advice and cheered her up after the fiasco," Maya said, unhanding Viola. "Although, I had no idea that she'd take my advice to go after... Larry of all people," she whispered that last part to Phoenix.
“Yeah, so, we’re… pretty tight.” Larry said, putting a hand around his babe. Viola said nothing. “She makes me go out and like, do errands for her. I dunno, I go to all these weird seedy places and stores that sell crystals and herbs and shit, and I deliver letters to them! Something about owing her loan agency money, or something. You know how those lesbian voodoo stores are, or whatever! Haha.”
“I… think she’s having you help her be a loan shark…” Miles piped up.
“Nah, nah! Listen, there ain’t no sharks here man.” Larry responded.
“The fuck did you say?!” Daryan yelled, baring his teeth like a shark. “They call me the Shark, bro! I come out after dark! But this time… I’ll feed on YOU!” Klavier had to hold him back from doing anything hasty.
“Wow, you’re an angry gay!” Larry laughed. “Thought they were supposed to be chill!” Just then, at hearing the accusation of him being “a gay,” Daryan broke free from Klavier’s grasp and began wading over to Larry, slowly. Everyone began yelling things in panic to get Daryan to stop doing this act. Except Diego, and to an extent, Miles, who both wanted to see Larry get his ass beat. As he was about to lunge over to Larry, Big Wins, noticing the commotion came out and began to yell.
“OI.” Daryan was stunned into silence by his presence. It was clear that Big Wins was using his Haoshoku Haki to stop this situation from escalating. Daryan looked back at Big Wins and began to nervously laugh. He slowly sat back down in his spot.
“Haha… It was just a prank!” Daryan said, shaking in his proverbial boots. He was not actually wearing boots, hence the proverbial word usage. There were no boots, as wearing boots in a hot spring is very impractical and frowned upon by greater society.
“That’s what I thought.” Big Wins said, walking away. “You’re lucky Little Plum didn’t see this… You kids play nice, now…” he continued, walking back into the lodge.
“I’m bored, can we leave now?” Viola asked Larry, turning to him.
“Oh, uh… Yeah babe! Thought we were gonna relax some in here. I mean, we did slip him a benjamin and all…”
“Well, you do have some work to do, you know… Hee hee hee…”
“B-Buh… Can’t we take a break from all the loan business for one day?” Larry asked. Viola merely peered at him, her gaze piercing into his soul.
“I’ll give you a handy once you’re done…” Viola said. Larry was convinced at this point, his eyes turning into hearts. He quickly jumped out of the pool, and turned back to the guys, winking.
“Sorry I’m bailing on ‘ya so quick. I know y’all are gonna miss me but…” Larry said, leaning closer to them. “I’m gettin’ laid tonight!” he winked, turning around, still butt-naked, and reentering the lodge. “See y’all laters!” Finally, he was gone. And Viola too had made her way out of there, but nobody really knew how she did it. She was just… Gone. Her presence missing. Even Diego, with his perception of presence, could not feel her anywhere nearby. Everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief.
“Welp… I think we can relax now guys!” Gumshoe said. “Now that that scourge of this planet is out of our way, I think we oughta enjoy this time! Let’s have some fun now!” Gumshoe yelled, pumping one fist in the air. He’d have pumped both, but one was still preoccupied, if you catch our drift. (For those of you who need it spelled out, Gumshoe’s hand was still firmly cupped onto Maggey’s breast. Just a friendly reminder, in case you weren’t paying attention, dear reader.)
“Yes… Let’s.” Miles said, closing his eyes, and resting his head back on his hands.
“Ahh… Isn’t this lovely, babe?” Mia asked, getting closer to Diego, nudged right up against his very impressive muscles. She gave them a good feel.
“Ha…! You said it… Makes me feel like we’re in a big coffee pot right now…!” Diego smiled. Everyone laughed at this.
Maya moved back over to her position next to Phoenix, pre-Larry, and gave him a little wink. “Should I… Continue?”
“Let’s… Uh… Save that for later.” Phoenix said. He was still getting over the fact that he just got blue-balled by Larry, and wanted to save any sort of “fuel,” as they say, for a more appropriate occasion.
“Ooooohhhh… I see.” Maya smiled, and winked once more, but this time with the other eye. (She alternates eyes when winking, so not as to over-train one or the other. She likes her eyes of equal strength.)
Klavier of course was snapping away, while Daryan was doing nothing but staring at Klav’s wild and epic pecs.
April 6th, 1:45 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
Hot Springs (Upper Spring)
“I see…!” Ema said, intently listening to Pearly’s tale. Pearl had decided to take this opportunity to talk about the entire timeline of her knowing Apollo, from the very day she met him. Ema however, being a scientific-minded individual, valued this, as to formulate the most effective strategy for Pearl possible. Ema couldn’t really see what Pearl saw in Apollo - I mean, she thought he was cute, but she saw him more in a dog-cute kind of way. Not really like a “I wanna fuck this man” kind of cute, but more like, “a good pat on the head” kind of cute. And maybe even a biscuit for good behavior. That’s how most people saw Apollo, anyways.
“So… That’s where we are now!” Pearl said, giving a quick nod. “But I don’t know… Will he like me back?!” Pearl blushed, hands on her face.
“I mean… Probably.” Trucy said. “He’s Polly, I’m sure he’s easy to sway.”
“But… But… I mean, he’s so smart! Only smart girls belong with him! Maybe he’ll think I’m too dumb for him!” Ema and Trucy both scoffed.
“Listen, I’ve worked with him for a while now. He’s… Smart in his own special way.” Ema began. “He has his moments of brilliance, I suppose. Just because you weren’t traditionally taught won’t mean he’ll look down on you for it.”
“Right! Mr. Justice is a kind man; he wouldn’t belittle me like that!” Pearl said, reaffirming herself. “But, y’know... I never had many chances to flirt with boys before, I have no idea what to do!” she whined.
“Ohohoho!” Trucy laughed, “I know all about flirting. Especially with boys! I can help you out, Pearly!” She began with a disclaimer, “First, don’t tell Daddy ANYTHING about this, capice?” Pearl and Ema nodded, but Pearl had no idea what ‘capice’ meant but Trucy sounded serious.
“Ok, ok. First, you need a good opener. None of that stupid pick-up line bullshit, though. Approach him. Take his hand to yours. This establishes skin contact. Then smile and giggle and say ‘Wow, hehe, your hands are sooooo much bigger than mine, hehehe.’”
Ema was wondering if this advice was valid or not, seeing how young Trucy is, but she decided not to say anything yet.
Trucy continued, “Boys love this because a cute girl is touching their hand, and because you are fueling their masculine ego by saying their hands are big and rough and strong.” Pearl was intently listening, taking mental notes. “Next! You have to be blunt because a lot of guys are stupid and can’t take a hint. Just tell it to them straight, ‘I like you. We should fuck.’”
“Whoa, whoa! That’s too fast,” Ema said, butting in finally. “That’s like second date material.”
“Have you ever even been on a date?” Trucy asked Ema, rather rudely, even though that wasn’t her intention.
Ema blushed, “I-I- uhh. Sure I have! Like in… 7th grade.”
“So we’re all just a big club of virgins! Maybe Pearl might not be by the end of night though,” Trucy wiggled her eyebrows. Pearl, at hearing this, shoved her face into the water and screamed. Just the thought of the chance of her and Apollo even coming close to “doing-the-nasty” made her unable to control her womanly instincts to scream. After a minute, Pearl lifted her face out of the water.
“Y’know what, Pearl? Don’t listen to us. Just do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do,” Ema said with a warm smile. “But you should do it soon.”
“Bu-but I’m so nervous! I could explode! I don’t know when I’ll even have an opening to do it.”
“TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT!” Trucy began to chant. Eventually Ema joined in on the chanting as well. This went on for a good 22.37 seconds. After some tension, some internal squee’ing, and some shaking, Pearl hit her fist into her hand.
“Fine! I’ll do it before the night is over!” Pearl said, clenching her fists in determination.
April 6th, 6:00 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
The Dining Hall
Some time passed, and everyone was dry as a desert whistle. Like ones you’d find in the Sahara desert. That place is pretty dry after all. And there has to be at least one whistle there. They were all gathered around in the dining room of Kitaki’s Steamy Inn, drinking their sake and eating various Japanese foods prepared by Plum Kitaki herself. There were such things as nigiri, onigiri, sushi, and others.
“Ha…! It’s no wonder Roronoa Zoro names all his attacks off this food! Shit’s good!” Diego laughed. Ema understood this reference, and was very happy that someone else was as cultured as she was. She merely nodded, her face stuffed with rice and other pieces of matter dedicated to be eaten. All in all, the dinner was excellent. With everyone’s bellies full, they all sat around the table and talked, drinked, and laughed in jubilation. Big Wins walked up and slammed on the table with such vigor that everyone’s attention had instantly gone to him.
“Well! How was it?!” Big Wins asked.
“Auuughhh…” Maya sighed. “Fucking excellent.”
“I guess you could say it was a big win!” Edgeworth quipped. Big Wins didn’t change his expression, but was very pleased with the joke nonetheless.
“Well great! Just checking in. Of course, now that the night is setting in, I expect you all not to be doing anything too suspicious out there. You know… Last person who got caught sneaking into the custodial cabinet, well… He-”
“N- Now now!!” Edgeworth said, in a panic. “We get the picture. Rest assured, any potential ruffians are not here.” He gave a side-eye to Klavier and Daryan.
“Y-you got it!” The two men said in unison.
“Well! Good. I hope you all have a good rest at our humble inn.” Big Wins took a big bow - Japanese style, and went on to his business, helping his wife clean up in the kitchen, like a good husband would.
The group said their goodnights, and went back to their respective rooms. Though the night was setting in, as was relaxation, things were far from over. Important plot points were yet to be established.
April 16th, 10:00 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
Apollo and Trucy’s Room
Apollo took a big stretch as he relaxed on his futon. The past trials with Payne had been so stressful with him. When Apollo’s under stress, he gets “the runs” as they say, so he had been having quite a rough time with it. But now? His (unbeknownst to he) half-sister was free, people were happy, and things were cool. He looked over at the other side of the room - at Trucy, who was in her Bad Badger onesie. “Hey Trucy, are you gonna hop in bed?!” Apollo asked, caring for Trucy’s sleep schedule, as he did with the rest of the office. Trucy flashed a devilish smile, however, knowing that she was instrumental in a greater scheme.
“Oh… Well, I was thinking of going on a walk in the gardens. Maybe go for a nighttime soak, y'know? I dunno. I’ll figure it out. See ya, Polly!”
“Oh! Okay. Have fun!” Apollo said. He was going to make a comment about her onesie, but decided against it. Trucy is known to get angry at comments about her onesie, specifically as to how stupid it is. She didn’t think it was stupid though, as the Bad Badger was the one thing that truly resonated with her. (Aside from Magic, of course.)
Trucy walked out into the hall, and there she was… Pearl Fey. Standing there, in a yukata. Why? Because it was fun, of course. And boys love a girl in a yukata (Fact). She thought this may help impress Apollo, and win his heart. Trucy gave her wink and a pat on the shoulder as she walked by. “Now’s your cue! You got this, girl.” Pearl made unintelligible noises and grunts of affirmation, excitement, and fear.
It was time. Pearl took a step, and a step, and a step some more. She finally reached the room where Apollo had been dwelling in for this night. She gave a quick knock on the classic screen door. “Trucy?! You’re back already?! That was fast!” Apollo said from behind the door.
“Uh… Um… No, it’s actually-”
“Olivia Newton-John?! Is it really you?!” Apollo asked in excitement. As he could tell the voice was female, it had to have been one of his heroes, if not Trucy.
“N-no… It’s me. P-Pearl.”
“Ooooooohhhh!!! I’m disappointed you’re not Olivia Newton-John! But boy am I happy to see you! Come on in! Come on!” Apollo said, sliding the door open. Pearl walked in and slowly slid the door closed. “Wow! You look great in that yukata!”
“Yesss…!” Pearl whispered to herself. Part one of her plan was already completed. Ema was right, all boys love a girl in a yukata (Fact).
“So, what’cha wanna do?!” Apollo asked with vigor. “We don’t have any of the games that are at the office… But we can do things like Rock Paper Scissors, or imagine game!”
“Um… Actually…” Pearl said sheepishly. “I…Wanted to ask you- I mean, tell you, I mean… Oh, you know what I mean. Talk!” Apollo silently nodded, smiling. “I… Um… I… It’s hard to say. But…”
“But what? Did I not pull my pants up all the way again!?” Apollo said, looking down at his long pajama pants with rockets on them.
“No, that’s not it! No. Your pants are up. Well, um… I… Uh… I think-I… Uh… I think… Uhhhh…-”
“SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!!!” a passing by Ema said from the hallways. She was listening the entire time, making sure Pearl didn’t crash and/or burn.
“Huh? Did you hear something?” Apollo asked.
“Must have been the wind!” Pearl said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I… Okay.” Pearl took a deep breath and put her hands on Apollo’s shoulders. “I think you’re really cool! And… Um. I like you! Like… I like, like, like you! You know?”
“Um… So, you’re saying I’m your friend?! Awesome!” Apollo smiled. “I love friends! I don’t have very many! Just the ones at the office. But… Wait. I thought you were already my friend! Oh no, did I mess up somehow and I stopped being your friend and now you’re back to say we’re gonna be friends again?!”
“No, no no! We are friends! But like… I like you… You know!”
“I don’t know! Honest to Betsy, I don’t know what you mean! I don’t even know Betsy either!”
“Like… R-R...R….Romantically! I like you like that! You know… I was wondering… Like… Do you wanna be my boyfriend! I find you really cute! And handsome! And good looking! And your abs are out of this world! And your pecs! And you’ve got a cute butt! And you’re funny! And nice! And cool! And a lawyer! And so cool and smart! And I just had to say it and now you’re gonna hate m-” Apollo put his finger over Pearl’s lip, smooshing it.
“Welp! Okay! I’ll be your boyfriend!” Apollo said. “I always wanted a girlfriend! But I didn’t even know how you get one! I thought you had to go to the store. Or like, magic or something! I didn’t know it was this easy!” Ema scoffed from the hallway at this remark. Pearl looked up at him with glittering eyes.
“REALLY?!” she screamed.
“Yeah, sure!” Apollo said.
“REALLY REALLY?!”
“Yuh-huh! We can date!” Apollo hopped up and down (three inches off the ground to be exact). Pearl went dead silent for a moment, processing this. She began to violently vibrate in excitement. Then she squee’d as loud as she ever had, lunging at Apollo to give him a mighty glomp. (In the other room, Edgeworth was trying desperately to sleep, hearing the entire exchange. He wrapped his head in a pillow, and began pounding on the futon in absolute misery. He was happy for the kids, he supposed, but really, couldn’t they shut the fuck up?)
Pearl held onto Apollo closely. “I wanna stay like this for a while, okay?!” Apollo could hardly breathe from the force of her extreme grip, beyond most human potential, however, this probably just came with the territory from having a girlfriend. As they say, pretty girls take your breath away.
“Wow… Who’d have thunk that hugging girls is this nice!?”
They were in there for five or ten minutes, holding onto one another in a loving embrace. But afterwards, they both got up and decided to see where Trucy had gone. They walked out into the gardens, where the springs were. Trucy was sitting on a rock, looking at a spider, hanging from a web. “Oh, shit! You two! So…” Trucy wiggled her eyebrows. “How’s things going, yo~?”
“We’re dating!” Apollo said. Pearl had no words, merely smiling and squeaking in excitement.
“Aw shit! Is that your boo call Apollo?!” Wocky Kitaki said, emerging from the darkness.
“Oh, Wocky, what’s up?!” Trucy waved.
“Nuttin! Just got outta work, figured I’d join the homies before I hit the hay, you dig?”
“Oh, I dig.” Ema said, walking out, also in a yukata. She did it because it was Japanese, and she likes Japan. “I saw everything. Or, well, heard everything. Pearl, you did great.”
“Eeeeeeeheheheheheheeeee!” Pearl noised.
“Well, this is just swell!” Apollo said, looking out at the stars.
“Well damn! I didn’t know this was happening! Sit down, sit down! I’ll go get some teas, and my mixtape, and y’all have to tell me ALL about what happened tonight!” Wocky smiled.
April 6th, 10:15 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
Edgeworth’s Room
While the four young’uns (plus Ema) had been chatting it up in the garden, Edgeworth was no longer able to sleep. However, the night was still young, so he decided to take a walk through the halls, and enjoy the ambience of the inn. He got up, eyes bloodshot from the earlier commotion, slipping on a silken robe, and leaving his room. As he walked through the halls, he slowly became more at ease, a nice breeze flowing through the inn. Dim lights, not irritating to the eye, and an overall calm nature. He was starting to feel sleepy once more, after walking for a spell, but… There was one thing that awaited him. Suddenly, as he reached the corner of a hallway, the atmosphere became… Grim. It became bone-chillingly cold. The air was moist, yet stagnant. He looked, and he saw… There she was, the decrepit old woman who plagued his existence. Wendy Oldbag. “Fuck…” Miles muttered to himself, hoping she didn’t notice him. Wendy was focused on cleaning the floors. Edgeworth slowly began to walk back to his room, but in trying to sneak away, he stepped on the one creaky floorboard in the entire inn. Wendy’s neck snapped towards the direction of the sound.
“Who goes there…?” She said, scanning her surroundings. All of a sudden, her internalized hunk-o-meter went off. She noticed who it was. “E-E...EDGEY POOOOO!!!” She lunged at him like a panther.
“G-Gahh! I must run!” Edgeworth yelled. As he finished this thought, he did just that, and ran. He ran and ran and ran some more, but the halls began to feel endless. They stretched out, becoming longer, darker, and more horrifying. Wendy was running on all fours, her form becoming even bigger and more imposing with each step. The hall ended. Edgeworth was at the end, back to the wall. Wendy stopped and stared. “EDGEY POOOO!!!” She croaked out, and ran towards him making pig-snarling noises. Edgeworth froze in fear. This was it, the last thing he would see.
“God dammit. This is not how I wanted to go!” he thought to himself. Wendy jumped at him, her arms out. And suddenly…
“W-Wha!?” Edgeworth woke up in a cold sweat. He somehow fell asleep, despite the commotion from the kids. “It was just a nightmare. But… How long have I been out?” Edgeworth looked at his watch. “Oh. Ten minutes. Okay. Well… I guess I will actually take a walk, then.” Miles got up, put on his silken robe, fuzzy slippers, and walked out the door. But… Suddenly, he saw her. This time… It was real. Wendy was sweeping the hallway, and she turned her head towards him.
“I’ve been waiting for you, Edgey-poo~!” Wendy smiled.
“Wh-What? What are you doing here?”
“Oh… Nothing. Just my custodial duties! But now I know what room you’re staying in!”
“Oh god… I don’t want any trouble. Just… Please, leave me alone. Please. I beg of you. I want to relax. And you? Around you, I can’t- what are you doing?!”
“Oh, don’t be like that, Edgey-poo! A lady’s got to work hard for the money… So hard for you honey! Ohohoho~!” Wendy started walking towards Edgeworth, arms out. She put some padding in her shirt to make her sad, saggy breasts look as if they still had shape. They did not, nor did the padding help whatsoever. Edgeworth walked backwards, and Wendy started walking faster. “Come to me, Edgey-poo! This is our fate! Our desti-OOPS?!” Wendy tripped over nothing, her ankle twisting the wrong way as she walked.
“G-GAHH! I CAN’T RUN!” Edgeworth yelled. “I CA-”
Suddenly, she fell onto Edgeworth. Their lips smacked together, passionately. It hurt, the force of falling onto him, but, like a leech, she kept her lips on his. Wendy was in bliss. But Miles… This was the worst experience of his entire life. He realized what was going on. Time slowed down, and his senses were invaded by all of Wendy. Her old person smell combined with her cheap rose perfume, on top of the overly-sprayed hair, and her dry, desert-like lips. He could feel it all, even for a split second. Edgeworth went into his animalistic instincts, fight-or-flight mode. He couldn’t run. He had to fight. He frantically punched Wendy in the face, just once, causing her to fly off of him. Propelling her to the end of the hallway. Edgeworth was very opposed to elder abuse, but in this instance, it was completely justified. Wendy felt nothing. She was in pure bliss. Edgeworth got up and brushed off his robe, breathing heavily after the horrible experience he just had. Wendy too, got back up.
“E-Edgey-poo… My love. Thank you. At last… I have done it!”
“Just… Just go away!” Edgeworth yelled at her. “Please! Go clean somewhere else. I beg of you!”
“Okay! Anything you say, my darling!!” Wendy did her little hand wave thing, already back up and attem. She went on her merry way.
And with that, Edgeworth ran to the front desk. Big Wins was sitting there, watching some sports reruns on the TV and playing Sudoku. Out of breath, Edgeworth approached.
“Oh! It’s you, Mr. Edgeworth. What can I get you tonight?”
“Please… Mr. Kitaki. I just had a horrid experience that I want no other human to feel. I need to wash my mouth out. Do you… Could you spare me some of the most powerful and possibly illegal alcoholic beverage you have? I’ll let it slide. I just need something pure.”
“Oh! Uh… Well, I got some moonshine I can-”
“That’ll do. That’ll do…” Edgeworth said, as Big Wins went over to the secret cabinet, pulling out a bottle of moonshine.
“Listen. I dunno what happened, but you seem down my friend. Take it. You deserve it.” Big Wins said as he handed Edgeworth the moonshine.
“Thank you… Thank you very much. I appreciate it.” Edgeworth said as he lurched back to the hot springs.
Outside, the four young’uns (plus Ema) were sitting there and talking.
“Oh! It’s Mr. Edgeworth!” Apollo chimed. He waved him over. Edgeworth was very happy to see the red boy there, someone he knew would not cause him any further pain or despair. He was happy to see them all, their bright young faces.
“Yes, yes. Hello. I’m going to sit over in the springs while you all socialize. Don’t mind me, I’ll be relaxing if you need me. I had… A rough night.”
“Aww! Well, do you want me to give you a back rub, Mr. Edgeworth?” Ema asked, seeking an opportunity.
“No… No. Just… Let me soak. I don’t want the touch of any human right now. Just let me and my moonshine do the talking.” They all looked at eachother, very confused as to what Edgeworth was talking about, but pressed it no further, as the group went back to their conversations. Edgeworth sat down in the springs, popped open the bottle, and took a hefty swig.
April 6th, 10:35 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
Phoenix & Maya’s Room
Phoenix was busy undoing his pants. One by one, he unbuttoned each button with vigor and precision. Maya was sitting on the extra large futon, looking at him with anticipation.
“Ooohh… Rawr~! Let’s see that peenix, Wright!” Maya winked. However, Phoenix wasn’t quite feeling up to it. He didn’t know why, though. After all, that handy he was getting earlier was pretty saucy. Was it Larry, whose mere presence overshadowed his natural bodily functions? Was it early onset erectile dysfunction, requiring use of “The Pill” (Man version)? Or was it deep-seated psychological turmoil inside of him? Who was to say?
“Eh… I dunno. I’m not really feelin’ it.” Phoenix sighed. “I want to, but something’s… Up. And it isn’t my cock.”
“Awwww…” Maya made a pouty groan. “Is there anything I can do? Maybe...Uh… I dunno.”
“Well, iff’n you’re willing to try, maybe. Maybe I just need a little kick.”
“Oh… You’re into... that?” Maya questioned.
“Uh… N-no. No! Not like that. I mean, a theoretical kick. Something like… REALLY hot. Something that’ll get this stubborn ape brain activating!” Phoenix said, crossing his arms.
“Hmmm…” Maya put up her finger to her chin, pondering. “I got it!!” She said, very excitedly. She slipped into the closet. Phoenix was wondering what she was putting on. She eventually emerged and… It was... the maid dress from Tres Bien?! How and why did she bring that with her?!
“Woah! You still have that? That game came out ages ago! Like, in 2005 in the timeline of the reader’s world!” Phoenix said in surprise.
“Yep! It still fits me like a glove! A sexy frilly maid glove, I should add.” Maya winked.
“Well hey! I can get behind this! Literally!”
“I’m sure you can…” She said. She walked up to Phoenix, pointing at him. “Welcome to the… Uh. The uh… Shit, Maya, think! The… Sexy restaurant maid cafe place! Can I take your order, big boy?” Maya said, doing a little boingy-boing with her boobs, as she unbuttoned the dress to be very revealing.
“Maya… Big Boy? That’s the wrong restaurant!” Phoenix quipped. They both laughed. Maya was never very good at thinking of things on the fly. However, that made the situation even better, and he did find it very sexy regardless.
“Why don’t we… Try something new on the menu?” Maya said, going around to rub Phoenix on the shoulders, sensually.
“Oh, and what would that be?” Phoenix said, biting his lip?
“Anything you want…” Maya went up and whispered in his ear. If Apollo were here, he would begin singing “Any way you want it that’s the way you need it” in response. But that’s beside the point.
“Anything?”
“Even the five course meal, sir.”
“The five course meal?!” Phoenix’s eyes lit up. He was beginning to be turned on by this waitress-patron roleplay that Maya was putting on. He was at least ⅓ chub at this point. The keys were in the ignition. All that was left was for Maya to kick things into gear.
“Only for a sexy man like you.” Maya winked. At the moment he heard Maya call him sexy, Phoenix went from ⅓ chub, to 1/1 chub. Maya reached her hand around and felt the bulge. “Ooooh, someone’s hungry!” Maya then let herself fall onto the futon, arms open wide. “Dig in~!”
“Oho, this is gonna be good!” Phoenix said, rubbing his hands together in an anticipatory manner. He dove down, and so the five course meal began. To put it eloquently, Phoenix began pounding Maya’s pussy.
Things were going amazingly for about two minutes, until…
“Wheeee! Oinka oinka! Haaaaaaheeeee! A- whooooga A- whoooooga! Aaaaaargh! Hneeeeeeeee! Fnrgh! Grunt Grunt! Hinggggg! Whazzo! Boink!” followed by monstrous slaps and rumbles from the other room.
“What the fuck is that?!” Phoenix said, halfway into Maya’s cooch. Maya sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Ugh, that’s Diego and sis… I mean I’m glad for them but they ALWAYS did this. Like, when they were first dating, I would stay over at Mia’s apartment. They’d have such loud sex like this, CONSTANTLY, while I was just trying to play the Steel Samurai! Battle in Neo Olde Tokyo Moonlight Brawl Power Struggle HD Remaster for the Nintendo Boy,” she explained.
“Uh, yeah, I can see that now… Um, I don’t think I can fuck you as hard with other people moaning. Especially your sister.” Phoenix said sliding out of her, the chub levels rapidly going down. He was in for some mad blue balls in a moment (ouch).
“Yeahh…” Maya said, “Maybe we could go to the hot springs? Let’s just… Unwind.” Phoenix nodded, agreeing to this proposition. They promptly got up and put on more comfortable robes, and then left for the springs. As they went down the hall, Phoenix could begin feeling a pain in his nuts. He snapped his one finger in frustration and said to himself: “Damn.” Really, it’s all you can say in a time like that.
April 6th, 10:47 P.M
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
Klavier and Daryan’s Room
Klavier was busy as ever writing a new song. He was really inspired by the warm water and Japanese aesthetic, as well as the prospect of his own personal freedom from that witch. Daryan was laying down on his own futon, looking at his phone and watching funny shark clips on Youtube. “Haha, I love sharks. They’re so funny.”
“Ja… Sharks… Funny sharks. Oh, damn, I think you just gave me a new lyric bro! I can use that as a line!” Daryan didn’t say anything to this except an “unh!” Not like a Gumshoe waking up “unh?” But like an “unh” of acknowledgement. Klavier was a little disappointed by his dismissiveness. Usually Daryan was very excited to write songs with him. He had noticed that Daryan had been a little... Strange for some time now. He initially wrote it off as Daryan being the edgy man he is. He gets his edgy phases rather often. But this time? Something felt really strange. Like Daryan was trying to… Distance himself somehow. But for what reason?
“Bro. You alright?” Klavier questioned.
“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Why?” Daryan shot a glance at his bro.
“Well you just seem kinda off, lately. Like, you’re non responsive, you’re staring at things intently, you’re just… You seem like you’re preoccupied with something. Something on your mind, bro?” Daryan had a shot of anxiety shoot through him like the bullet shooting through the barrel of a gun, leaving ballistic markings (The fingerprints of a gun). Did Klavier suspect anything? Was Daryan being weird? Hopefully not, because he was not gay at all in any percentage.
“Wh-What. Like… Me looking at y-you… I mean, your… I mean, uh… Like, me looking at things? What’s that got to do with shit? Are you calling me gay, bro?” Klavier gave a confused look.
“What…? No, what? Are you off your Prozac, bro?”
“No! I took it like three hours ago! God! I’m not gay!”
“I never said you were, dude…” Klavier shrugged.
“Well, I’m not… Cause you know what I’m lookin’ at? Boom,” as he said this, he flashed his phone screen to Klaiver, to reveal a Jerkmate.com search for “boobs.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, that’s right, bro. I’m looking at TITS!” Daryan laughed. “And no gay dude would do such a thing!”
“Haha! I love tits!” Klavier laughed. Him and Daryan hi-fived. “Well, girl tits… And sometimes even straight up muscley dude tits too. Hah. Heh.” Daryan’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.
“Whoa. Whoawhoawhoa. Back that up.” Daryan got rather serious. “Like… Pecs?”
“Yeah. You know. Like Roronoa Zoro. Dude’s got straight tits.” Klavier laughed. “You didn’t know I was bi, bro? Did I never tell you?”
“No! This shit’s news to the Sark, bro!” Daryan said, standing up. “I had no clue!”
“Huh. Well. That’s a little weird, considering we’ve known eachother since, like… We were fourteen. But anyways. Not like it really matters, I never publicly dated a dude anyways. Because… It’d break the hearts of all my girl fans, y’know? I can’t do that to the ladies. Can’t break a woman’s heart.”
“What about that woman?” Daryan questioned.
“Eeehhh… Well, man’s gotta make some exceptions sometimes, ja?” Klavier said, snapping.
“Hah, that’s for sure. Anyways… Dude, I can’t believe this! This is nuts! I-I mean. Like. Fucking wild. I mean, like I’d give a shit or anything, but… You know me. I’m 1000% straight. So don’t even try and flirt with me, bro.”
“Uh, I wasn’t.”
“Yeah, don’t even THINK about it, because I only like real, 100% women: Vaginia, ovaries, C-cup milking breasts with tits and all!!! I could never imagine wanting to suck a dick! Especially a huge, throbbing veiny one!” Daryan said, arms crossed. Klavier found it a little strange that Daryan was reinforcing his heterosexuality so much during this conversation, but thought nothing of it after a moment.
“Well, as long as you’re cool with me, bro.” Klavier said.
“Yeah bro. Don’t you worry. I accept you for who you are. ‘Cause we’re bros, bro.” Daryan hi-fived Klavier in a reassuring measure of bro-companionship.
“So. Wanna hit the hot springs?” Klavier chuckled. “Might be fun having a midnight soak, ja? Might give us some inspiration for our next single.”
“Hah! Race ya there, dude. Heeheeheehee!”
April 6th, 10:57 P.M.
Kitaki’s Steamy Inn
The Hot Springs
Out at the springs, Klavier and Daryan ran over to the site, where everyone else who had already gone to the spring were dwelling in. “Whoa! We got company!” Daryan exclaimed.
“Y-yeh… Oh. It’s y-*hicc*-you two.” Edgeworth said, taking a swig of moonshine.
“Uh… Are you okay, dude?” Klavier questioned, pointing at Edgeworth’s bottle. Klavier was very considerate. A good man is he, with a good personality, ass, and clavicle. Especially the clavicle. We mean, damn. Have you seen that shit? Anyways.
“He’s uh… Just let him wallow.” Phoenix said. Him and Maya had entered the springs some minutes prior, and were soaking up in the nighttime steam.
“Mmmm, night steam!” Maya gurgled as her face was partially submerged under the water.
“I… That old-*hicc*- Old woman… That hag… I needed to wash everything out… I hate her…” Edgeworth slurred. His only escape from the trauma that had ensued earlier was the springs and hard liquor. Klavier and Daryan didn’t question it, and both ripped off their clothes and cannonballed into the pool. Trucy noticed this, and found both men’s cocks to be rather hung, even in flaccid form. She couldn’t get the exact measurements just by eyeballing it, but she was impressed nonetheless.
“Yo, Pearl! Ema! Did you see that!? Shit was nuts!” she whispered to the two.
“Literally!” Pearl giggled. Everyone in their small group found that funny. Ema, Apollo, and even Wocky all chuckled to that.
“Haha! Man, you guys are SO funny! I gots to hang out wit’ y’alls more! Shieet!” Wocky laughed. Ema was doing some quick napkin math, writing her observations on her arm with a sharpie she always carried on her.
“Hmm… Assuming that they were hard, based on the flaccid-to-hard conversion rate, considering that they are showers and not growers... Klavier seems to be 6.5 inches length-wise, with a width of 1.6 inches. The other one is slightly smaller, about 6 even and 1.5 inches wide. They taught me how to do that in Forensics training.” Ema mwee-hee-hee’d, doing the hand over the laughing mouth pose that a sneaky anime woman would do. The others were shocked at Ema’s observational skills. Ema actually had Kenbunshoku Haki, but didn’t really like to talk or brag about it much. There were many Haki users in this area today. It was quite amazing. She didn’t say it out loud, but she was rather impressed by their sizes, despite how annoying those two bozos could be.
“Shit, Apollo! Write that down!” Trucy frantically shook his arm to get him to do her bidding. Apollo took out a sheet of paper and Ema’s sharpie, snatching it right from her hand. He wrote it down, and shoved the sheet in his pocket. He was one of the few who was in fact, not in the pool. He was just in a suit sort of mood that time.
Gumshoe and Maggey rushed out to the pool. “Hey guys! It’s me! Gumshoe! And Maggey.” Gumshoe yelled. Maggey merely waved hi, as the two ripped their clothes off and cannonballed into the pool. However, nobody paid any attention to how hung Gumshoe was, despite the fact that he was the most hung of them all. Gumshoe made a huge splash, dousing everyone in the area with water. Maggey piped up.
“Where’s Ms. Fey and that robot guy?!” She asked. “Almost everyone’s here, except for them!” Maya grumbled and sunk her head further into the water. Phoenix gave her a pat on the back in comfort, bonding with her over their mutual disappointment.
“You called?”
It was… Diego Armando?! And Mia Fey?! Diego was bridal carrying Mia, who only hastily had thrown her yukata back on after their primal love making session (The first in many years). “H-hey guys!” Mia said, still somewhat out of breath and shaky after how vigorously pounded she was earlier. Phoenix and Maya just gave them dirty looks. But they didn’t notice. Diego gently set Mia down, the two ripped their clothes off, and cannonballed into the springs. The splash was mighty, due to Diego’s generally large (and buff) figure, and Mia’s massive tits. They provided much of the force in the splashdown. Though this splash was not as large and mighty as Gumshoe’s.
“Wow! I feel like I’m in the great flood right now! Of Noah’s Ark’s time!” Apollo said, soaked. He still kept the suit on, as the gentle nighttime spring breeze air conditioned his body. After everyone was settled in- Diego and Mia next to one another, Klavier and Daryan lollygagging about and coming up with lyrics, and of course- Gumshoe’s hand firmly on Maggey’s breast. It was fun.
“H-Hey! So many-*hicc*-People! It is me. Miles Edgeworth. Do any of you remember me? Please don’t f-*hicc*- Forget me. Even though I was just d-DEFILED by that HAG!” Edgeworth slurred as he threw the now empty bottle of moonshine over at a rock. It didn’t shatter though, and just bounced off due to its superior glass quality.
“What’s going on Mr. Edgeworth?” Gumshoe asked. “Did you forget to bring your Prozac?”
“No, no, I-*hicc*- brought it,” Miles stated. “That… evil old crone… well, I gave her what-for, so- *hicc* Hopefully I never see her again…”
“Well… I dunno nothin’ about that, Pal. But looks like the gang’s all here!” Gumshoe yelled in joy. Everyone laughed in jubilation.
“Indeed! Even though our nights have all been different…” Phoenix glared at Diego and Mia, “At least we can say we all have each other, right?”
“Right!” Maya said, hugging Phoenix.
“Y’know… I’ve been thinking today. I couldn’t have done this without any of you guys. With your support. We’re all here right now because of all of you. Well, mostly because of Miles, because he paid for it. BUT! We wouldn’t be here if Trucy was sent to die in the slammer. I mean… Damn. Electric chair? Firing squad? Lethal injection? Maybe they’d even hang her! I dunno. But I don’t care! Because they didn’t! And my daughter is innocent. But… To everyone here. From the bottom of my heart… Thank you. Thank you all.”
“Aww! Thanks, Nick!” Maya smiled.
“Yeah! We did it!” Pearl cheered, holding Apollo’s hand.
“No problem, Mr. Wright! I’ll always be here for you!” Apollo cheered, holding Pearl’s hand.
“Haha! It was nothin’, Pal!” Gumshoe laughed. “I even got to use my gun!”
“Teeheehee! I didn’t contribute at all! But thanks for including me!” Maggey laughed, enjoying Gumshoe’s firm grip in the process.
“I didn’t do shit either! Shit… Damn. But I love all of you guys!” Wocky said. “Y’all freed me from the slammer too! Hells yeah.”
“Haha, ain’t shit bro.” Daryan scoffed.
“Oh, come on bro… We’re both really happy for you, ja?” Klavier snapped, pointing at Phoenix. He swung his other hand around Daryan’s shoulder, which caused the shark-like man to tense up a bit.
“*BURP*” Edgeworth belched, happily, though he didn’t quite know what was going on.
“Heh… That’s the power of science!” Ema did the one leg jump and peace sign across the eye pose.
“Ha…! And you brought back my kitten too!” Diego wiggled his eyebrows, though you couldn’t see it. Mia giggled.
“Yeah… It was worth it helping you guys. And… Well. Heh. Hehehe.” Mia huddled up to Diego. Maya and Phoenix once again sighed.
“Yeah… Thanks daddy! I love you! I love you all! You saved my life! Here’s to a future where I can help you guys every day! To where I can never be accused of murder again!” Everyone cheered to this.
“And… Another thing.” Phoenix began. “That old fart Winston and his dead brother are finally out of our hair. No more of that to deal with. So let’s take a minute to relax. To breathe. To be optimistic for the times ahead. Because we all deserve that… After all, I guess you could say it truly has been… A Payneful Turnabout.”
Everyone laughed at this, and cheered. The camera panned to the beautiful night sky, starlight with the vastness of the cosmos. A shooting star shot through the sky above, illuminating the heavens above our heroes. Finally, it was over. They were free. But for how long? Only time could tell…
-END OF PART II-
And so ends Part II: The Payneful Turnabout. Though that ordeal may be over, the adventure is far from it. There will be more adventures, more character development, and even... A threat that is unbeknownst to all. But first, Part III awaits: The Restful Turnabout.
Chapter 35: -Interlude- The Fate of The Oldbag
Summary:
A small interlude before Episode III: The Restful Turnabout. Find out what happens to Wendy Oldbag after her run-in with Miles Edgeworth at Kitaki's Steamy Inn.
Chapter Text
April 7th, 6:46 A.M.
Wendy Oldbag’s Home
Wendy had driven back to her lovely suburban home, after her shift ended at Kitaki’s Steamy Inn some hours prior. She was in her nightgown, a frilly thing with blue polka dots. She blew out the candles in her living room, scented of bergamot and cinnamon and spice. But not everything nice. She made her way to her bedroom, going up her stairlift. Slowly it ascended the stairs, though she could walk perfectly fine. She liked the convenience. And of course, whenever her arthritis flared up, it helped too. And her scoliosis. And her osteoporosis. And her thrombosis. And her neurosis. And her silicosis. And her nephrosis. And formerly, her tuberculosis back in the day. But despite all of these -osis suffixed ailments, she made it to her room. She stood, looking at the moonlit sky, opening her window wide.
“Ahh… The moon is beautiful tonight. I’m so glad…” Wendy sighed. “What a night. What a lovely night it is indeed.”
The wide-open window sent a gentle breeze through her room. She took a deep breath, and began to giggle. "I did it... I did it!!" Wendy said. "I kissed Edgey-Poo! Even if by complete accident, I did it! ...And I got a glimpse of his cock back at the springs, too, but that's besides the point." She looked out at the sunrise. She had done it. Her mission was accomplished. All these years, all of this effort, grasping onto her mortal coil, it was finally all worth it. It was the one thing that she had kept herself bound to this world. Wendy should have died ages ago, but she had been living on through sheer willpower. But finally… It was over. She may not have married the man, but she accomplished what she had wanted all these years. She looked back, and held up one finger. "Finally, I can die now!" And then... Without any further warning, Wendy exploded into a cloud of dust.
Chapter 36: Big News
Summary:
The beginning of Part III: The Restful Turnabout.
After the Trials of Trucy Wright and their endeavors against Winston Payne, our heroes have returned to their peaceful lives, finally able to rest. But... Change is in the air. Change for the best. And one such change involves Miles Edgeworth's best friend and partner in justice: Dick Gumshoe, with his one true love, Maggey Byrde.
(Edgeworth's Side)
Chapter Text
EPISODE III: THE RESTFUL TURNABOUT
April 13th, 12:00 P.M.
High Prosecutor’s Office
Room 1202
It was a fine day. The birds were chirping. The people were passing by on the streets below. Edgeworth was reading the newspaper, and as he did always, he flipped over to the Obituaries, just in case someone he knew finally kicked the can. “Hmm… Hmmm… Paige Turner… Chris Cross… Heh, applesauce… Pepper Roni… Keith Havamug… Joe Cuppa… W-Wha…!? Wendy Oldbag?!” He exclaimed in shock. He blinked a few times, and put on his glasses. (We totally don’t often forget that he wears those now). “I… Is it really true?! Turned into a pile of dust?! Is it… Is it really true? Am I free?” Edgeworth pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming then read it once more. “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!! I’M FREE! I’M FREEEEEEEE!!!” Edgeworth jumped up and down in joy. The people outside were a little concerned, but thought nothing of it.
Some time later, Edgeworth was finally off his Wendy-death high, though his day was still immensely joyous nonetheless. It seemed as if everything was going wonderfully. He watched from his 12 story-high office, looking at all the faces with a smile on his face. And yes, of course, he was still finalizing cases and even betting on the races, all these weeks later. He won quite a few of them, due to his superior sense of horse potential, his extreme luck, and occasional insider information. He took a sip of his imported Asian herbal tea, this time the green version of tea. He smacked his lips. “Ahh, what a lovely day. I’m free… The birds are chirping.. The sun is shining, that wench is gone... Ahh.. I don’t think anything could make this better. Well… Heh, except maybe a handy! Haha!” Just then…
“Mr. Edgeworth!” Gumshoe burst through the door with impeccable force. The force from Gumshoe opening the door shook the various trinkets, tea sets, and chess pieces in the office.
“Easy there, Gummy. Those are real ivory, you know. But yes, hello my favorite detective! I hope you’re having a wonderful day!”
“Oops! Sorry Pal. Well, looks like your office is a bit more well-lit since the last time! From just a candle to turning on the lights! And opening the blinds! I’m proud of you, Pal!”
“Yes, well I do know how lights work… I was just in a dark mood that time. And, well, one of the bulbs was on the fritz, and I hate that dreaded flickering. It makes me… Edgy.” Edgeworth crossed his arms.
“Well, aren’t you always a little Edgy?! Eh? Ehhhhh?” Gumshoe beckoned, holding his arms out, emphasizing his terrible pun. It took Edgeworth a moment, but he finally got it. They both roared in laughter. The laughter was so powerful that they began to slap their knees and throw various things at the wall. Gumshoe even began screaming like a raving lunatic! Or a chimpanzee! But after some time, they went back to their neutral states.
“Anyways, detective, enough of that. What’s on the menu for today?”
Gumshoe shyly gave a smile. His hand reached back and embarrassedly rubbed the back of his head. “Well… Heheh. I… Uh… I’ve got some good news, Pal.” Edgeworth’s eyes widened, and a hand was firmly placed onto his chin.
“Ohoho. Do tell.”
Gumshoe stuck his right hand out in a rapid fashion, showcasing a very stylish titanium engagement ring on his finger. “I proposed to Maggey! We’re getting married, Pal!” Edgeworth did a spit take, dousing Gumshoe in a mixture of fine tea, and - You guessed it - Spit.
“That’s… That’s incredible, Gummy! I’m so proud of you!” He exclaimed, doing a front-flip from his chair to the front of the desk, sticking the landing, and hugging his buddy tight. (Edgeworth was very agile and limber, as for some time, von Karma forced him to train as an acrobat in a traveling circus. His life as a carnie was very profound and influential to his current lifestyle and abilities). “Yesss… Stuck the landing.” he said, under his breath whilst still hugging Gumshoe. He let go of the embrace. “But let me ask you… How much was the ring?”
“Oh, about $200.”
“Hmm. Well, I guess it’s not… That bad for a man of your income. But, you could have just asked me to help! I’ve got money coming out the proverbial pussy. I don’t have one physically, hence the proverbial nature of it.” Edgeworth shrugged, smirking.
“Mmmm.” Gumshoe nodded. “Well, you know, I wanted to make this thing special, and work for it myself.” He said, nodding once more in determination. “But… Maybe during the wedding we can do something a bit more fancy.” Edgeworth was silent for a moment, but it hit him. His eyes lit up like passionate flames.
“The wedding!”
“What about it, Pal?”
“Well, what are your plans for it?!” Edgeworth asked, excitedly.
“Uhhh… Maybe like a little backyard thing. Roast some weenies on the ‘barb. We don’t have much of a family, or anything, considering Capcom never gave us any canonical family, so-”
“No, no no no, Gummy. I’m getting at something here. This is the woman you’re spending the rest of your life with, hopefully. Make sure you write a prenup, you know. All smart couples do that considering the high divorce rate and such. And… How accident prone she is. BUT! Aside from that, I think you two will last. So…” Edgeworth sat back at his desk, cracking his knuckles. “We need to make this thing elegant. The most marvelous occasion of your life. A huge venue. Expensive rings. Live entertainment… Your friends, any family that may exist, the entire police force as guests. The whole nine yards.”
“That’s my favorite movie, Pal!” Gumshoe interrupted.
“Yes, yes… Well. I say leave it to me to plan this whole event. I’ll get everyone involved. Ms. Skye, she’s probably into stuff like that. Those two hooligans, they can do some of the heavy lifting, I can handle the financials… Yes, yes. We have something here. I can even get Wright’s group to help as well… Yes… Yes! Not only will this genuinely help you, my friend… This will heighten our statuses! My status! We will be known as the greatest and most powerful legal entities and wedding planners in the greater Los Angeles area!” Edgeworth let out an evil, menacing cackle, as thunder and lightning cracked outside of the windows for mere moments, before reverting back to the perfectly sunny day it was prior.
“Well…” Gumshoe began. “I dunno about all that… I mean… Don't’cha think that’s a bit of work for little old me? And I m-”
“I LOVE PLANNING WEDDINGS!” Edgeworth bellowed, almost speaking to himself at this point. Just then, Edgeworth’s office phone began to ring. “Ah, hold on, let me get that, Gummy.” He went and picked up the phone. “Miles Edgeworth speaking, who is this? ...Oh. Mm-hmm. Well, I’m a bit preoccupied at the moment, but… Maybe I can call you back at some point? Yes? Okay. Good. Yes, toodles.” Edgeworth put down the phone and went right back to business. Gumshoe quirked an eyebrow.
“Who the fuck was that, Pal?” He asked in such a friendly tone that it made you wonder why he would drop such a casual F-bomb like that.
“Do you remember Miss Rhoda Teneiro?”
“Oh yeah!!” Gumshoe said. “From Turnabout Airlines! For those of you reading this who are unacquainted, which is understandable considering that Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth was one of the least popular and least selling games in the Ace Attorney series. Rhoda Teneiro was a character in the second case of that game! In this case, our hero, Miles Edgeworth has to solve a murder involving the country of Borginia on an airplane! She was one of the suspects, and ended up assisting Miles Edgeworth in his investigations. You could tell she totally wanted him, but never admitted it! There were so many twists and turns! You should really play it! Don’t tell the feds, but I emulated it! ...She was a character, that lady.”
“Yes, yes… Well, you see. She’s my… What the kids say, my booty call.”
“Ooooohhhh…” Gumshoe nodded. “But wait…Objection!!! She isn’t black! That’s a contradiction to what I know!” he pointed in an accusatory manner. “Heh, did I do that well? I’m trying to be like your one friend. The blue guy!”
Edgeworth merely shrugged at this, shaking his head and smiling. “Hold it now, Gummy. First of all, yes, great Wright impression. I could barely tell you two apart. And secondly...Yes, it is a contradiction to what I’ve said. And yes, black women are by all metrics queens. Goddesses even. And I would love one as a long term partner - but don’t let that fool you! I love all women, despite my preferences. And if a lovely woman is offering for me to, dare I say, investigate her in the sheets, then… Well, I won’t rest until I’ve examined every suspicious looking nook and cranny.”
“Oh! I see, Pal. Well good for you!”
“Now.” Edgeworth said, standing up on the chair. “Enough about me. We have lots of work to do. I’m quitting early today, we’re going to go discuss our plans. We’ll pick up Ms. Skye, and begin mapping everything out. We’ll need to find a venue, and a color palette, a food supplier… Yes, yes, busy busy busy… Come along, Gummy…” Edgeworth said, leaping off the chair and sticking the landing, already halfway to the elevator. Gumshoe had to run to catch up to him. And with that, they were off.
Chapter 37: The Nightmare
Summary:
As his insecurities creep up upon him, Phoenix Wright endures a hellish nightmare. What will he and his loved ones do in this crisis Phoenix is going through?
(Phoenix's Side)
Chapter Text
Date: ???? Time: ????
Phoenix’s Home, Outside
Phoenix had just returned from a grueling day at work. He had to sort through many papers, like a lot, we cannot describe how many there were, but it was a big number - Like 40. The clouds were a still grey, covering the scenery in their drab, dark shades of grey. A still wind blew through the trees, and chilled Phoenix to the bone. But, he was happy to be home - And even happier to cuddle up to his very cute sweetheart and friend and coworker, Maya Fey.
He turned the handle, stepped inside, and flicked on the light. “Ahh, just my normal house,” Phoenix said to himself. He chucked his briefcase and suit coat on a nearby chair, and slowly made his way to his bedroom. But… as he did this, something was… off. The room felt larger, like he was gradually shrinking with each step taken. It progressed so far that the furniture became towering behemoths, lording over him. In a panic, Phoenix darted to his room to escape the terror he felt. He felt like the only person who could comfort him now was Maya. His one and only.
But… Upon entering his room, he was stricken with horror at the sight before him. There was Maya, bent over at the edge of the bed, as Apollo Justice repeatedly rammed his massive cock into her. His abs were so sexy, and primed, and not flabby like Phoenix. To make matters worse, they were giants, and Phoenix could hear everything. The moans, the powerful slapping of the two’s skins colliding with each vigorous thrust. The splashes of her soaking wet cooch echoing off the walls. The sounds shook the room, nay - The entire house.
Maya and Apollo eventually spotted him, and got up. “Oh, gee whiz, Mr. Wright!! I guess you got cucked!” Apollo said, looking over at him and smiling. Maya went over, bent down and picked up the pathetic man and as he shook in a desperate struggle.
“I don’t want to play with you anymore…” she loosened her grip, as Phoenix began to plummet to the abyss below, like slipping through the sands of time - Or even the fabric of reality itself. He closed his eyes and braced for impact.
Phoenix’s single eye shot open after a few moments. He was falling from the sky, cloaked in darkness. Along with him was the face of a large broken clock tower and, somehow, Pearl. Intense violin music began playing in the background, as angels in the shape of Apollo Justice and Maya Fey began to fly around in the tumultuous winds and cloudy, thunderous skies.
“Pearls!”
“I’m okay!” She shouted. She stretched out her hand. With all his strength through the rapid winds, reached back out and they collided.
“Ah!” Phoenix’s head shot up from his desk. After his eyes adjusted he looked down to see his paperwork, previously crumpled under his sleeping face. He let out a sigh of relief, “Just a dream…” he chuckled slightly.
“Just a dream, huh? I’ve been in dreams before…” It was… Dream!Miles Edgeworth?!
“Miles, what are you doing here?!”
“Oh… Nothing much. Oh, wait, real quick.” He pinched himself. “Yup, I sure am in a dream now. Just… Let me show you something. Something you’ll never have.” And all of a sudden, Edgeworth had donned a vampiric cloak. His cravat became even more accentuated than it was prior. He looked like Dracula, Alucard, or just about any other attractive character from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Edgeworth beckoned Phoenix to follow him. A random door appeared out of nowhere. Edgeworth let Phoenix go through the door first, and there they were: A gaudy castle balcony. The castle was gothic revival style, of course. Edgeworth was a man of class, after all. Floods of women and money (Sentient) were on the grounds below. They were all cheering for Miles Edgeworth to come out. And so he did. It was raining gold coins, as Red Alfa Romeos were lighting up the landscape below them.
“What… Is this?” Phoenix asked in amazement.
“You see this?” Edgeworth gestured with his gloved hand. “This… This is what I have made for myself. What I’ve accomplished. And what you… WILL NEVER HAVE!” Phoenix began to shake in fear.
“Wh-what…?”
“You heard me, plebeian! I have money! Power! Women! And this…!” Edgeworth threw off the cloak, revealing his impeccable figure. His abs were solid, ass hard as a rock. Pecs, small nipples aside, amazing as could be. And a huge donger to boot. The women in the crowd began fainting and screaming as if Edgeworth was Andre 3000 in the Hey Ya! music video. “Do you see this?! Proof you will always be inferior to I!”
“I… I don’t know what to say…” Phoenix stammered. He felt as if his heart was being stabbed through like no tomorrow.
“What is a Wright? A miserable little pile of flab. But enough talk… Have at you!” Edgeworth pushed Phoenix off the balcony, as he began to plummet to his doom once more. The cheers of the women and the money yelling Edgeworth’s name echoed through his heart as he entered the abyss below.
Eventually, he landed on top of a building in a near-endless city. It was raining, but normal rain this time. Phoenix looked around him. Silence, aside from the rain. “Where am I…? Where could this be…?”
“Ha…! I’ll tell you where you are, kid…!” It was… Dream!Diego Armando?! He emerged from a beam of red light that pierced through the clouds. Mia was there as well, holding onto him with affection.
“Diego?! What is going on here!?” Phoenix asked, terrified.
“Ha… Don’t you know? I’m here to eliminate lesser males. Pokey little flab biscuits like yourself don’t deserve to walk this earth.”
“Wait, wait, wait, stop!” Phoenix pleaded for his life.
“Why should I? It’s too late now, Trite. You’re all alone in this world now. Your girlfriend? The Red Boy’s got her now. It’s okay. He’s better for her than you’ll ever be. Your best buddy, Miles Edgeworth? He doesn’t need you now. He has money, power, fame… Someday, he may even start the next Great Pirate Era. And myself... I’ve got your boss. The only man she’ll ever associate with anymore is myself. There’s nobody left for you, Trite. None of us want you here anymore. You’re inferior.”
Phoenix got down onto his knees, and began shaking. “Wh-why…? Why all of this? What did I ever do?”
“Exist…!” Without any further ado, Diego pulled out his katana, and began to charge towards him. Phoenix froze. There was nothing he could do anymore. This was his fate, doomed to inferiority forever. He couldn’t even close his eyes, all he could do was look. Diego, in the blink of an eye passed by him, sheathing his blade. The second the handle clinked into the sheath, Phoenix split into two.
“G-G-GAAAAAHHHHH!!!” Phoenix screamed. Blood splattered everywhere as Diego walked over in front of Phoenix’s top half. Mia walked over to Diego and gave him a firm kiss on the cheek.
“Ha…! Should have chiseled your ass better, Trite…!” Diego raised his blade as it shone in what light remained in this world. He held it up, and plunged it down. The world stopped.
April 12th, 11:37 P.M.
The Wright Residence
Phoenix’s Bedroom
Phoenix gasped. “Wh-what?! What was that?! Where am I... Is this…” Phoenix looked around, and saw Maya sitting by him in bed, with a concerned look on her face.
“Nick? You okay? You were thrashing around a lot in your sleep.” Phoenix just sat there, silent. Tears formed in his eyes.
“I...I had a horrible nightmare.”
“Awwww…” Maya said, sitting up and rubbing his shoulders. “What happened?”
“...I … It was nothing. It sure was scary, though. Go back to bed…”
“Okay!” Maya said. “At least it was just a dream though, right?”
“...Yeah. Yeah.” Phoenix went back to lie down. And with that, the two went to sleep.
April 13th, 12:30 P.M.
The Wright Residence
Phoenix’s Room
Maya knocked on the door. “Nick… Get up. I let you sleep in, it’s afternoon.”
“Unh?” Phoenix grunted. Maya walked into the room over to where Phoenix was and threw the covers off of the bed. She opened the blinds as well, light piercing into Phoenix’s eyeballs. He hissed, like a cat or a vampire or a bat. Or a Payne. “Uhhnnh… Uh. Unnnnhhhhggh… Maya, come on, I really don’t feel so good today.”
“Oh… What’s wrong, are you sick?”
“N-No… Just not feeling up to it today…”
“Well… You can’t stay lying in bed all day you know! Especially not without Pearl’s famous sammies waiting for you. Her and Apollo and Trucy are all munching on them already! Come on, Nick! Time to eat!” Maya tugged on his arm, until he finally caved.
In the main room, the dining table was covered with platters of famous sammies and chips. “Mmmmm, this is amazing!” Trucy said with a mouthful of salt and vinegar chips. “Oh!! Daddy! It’s you! You’re finally up! We’ve got some really good sammies today!”
“Uhhh-huhh…” Phoenix said, still half-asleep, grumbling with each step in his slippers.
“Mornin’ Mr. Wright!” Apollo said with a swing of the arm and a flick of the wrist. Phoenix jumped a bit at the sight of Apollo and his superior male form.
“Oh god…” He thought to himself. “Afternoon, Apollo…” Apollo just went back to eating his sandwich.
“Come on, Mr. Nick! I made your favorite, just for you! A BLT.” Phoenix managed to crack a slight smile at this- BLT’s were his favorite after all. He shuffled in his slippers, groggily, and sat at the table. While the sandwich was very good, he could only muster two bites of it. He really just wasn’t feeling it that day.
After the “kids” were done eating, Maya pulled Phoenix aside. “Nick, what’s going on? You’ve been kinda weird today. Is it that dream?”
Phoenix avoided eye contact and shook his head, “Uh, nope. Just tired is all.”
Maya did her classic puffed-cheeks pouting sprite, “You’re lying to me and I know it! Spill the beans, compadre!”
Phoenix busted into tears. Maya was rather startled by this intense showcase of emotion. “I- I just… It’s been going on for a while now, at least since the restaurant. I’ve just been… feeling bad about myself lately…”
“What do you mean?”
“Ugh… Like I’m inferior to everyone we know... and old, and fat and ugly, and just not sexy anymore, because I once was! I’m just a shadow of what I used to be. And… It all culminated into that nightmare I had. It just felt like the best everyone had… It was all being used against me. Apollo’s rockin’ bod… Edgeworth’s money and status… Diego’s overall coolness… They took you… And Mia… And everyone away from me. I’m just… I’m just scared, Maya. I’m scared that they’re all going to leave me behind. That you are going to leave me behind…” Maya put her hand up to her mouth.
“Nick, I would never!”
“Oh yeah…?” Phoenix sighed, sadly. “But… I just can’t shake the fear that you would…”
“Are you saying you don’t trust me?”
“No! No… Not at all. I’m just… I don’t know. Every day I’m nervous that I’m going to lose all of you. For whatever reason. Some days it’s because I’m not good enough. Because I can’t protect you all. Or some days… Because I’m the fat… ugly… Piece of shit human that I am!” Phoenix sobbed into his hands. He was one of those really ugly sobbers. “I… Fuck it. I’m going to go take a three hour shower… Heh. That rhymes…” Phoenix got up and hobbled back over into the house, towards the bathroom. Maya just stood there and sighed.
“Oh, Nick… What am I gonna do with you…?”
Chapter 38: Farewell, My Fish Stank
Summary:
Klavier Gavin, joined with his best friend and bro Daryan Crescend, return to the Ghetto, land of danger, thrills, and poor housing regulations. Here, they venture back to where Athena Cykes lived, where Klavier first met her. As cyclical as day and night, he makes his way to break things off with her in the same place he fell for her.
Chapter Text
April 13th, 1:30 P.M.
Klavier Gavin’s Penthouse
The Living Room
“Bro… We gotta do it, y’know,” Daryan, the raven-haired shark-esque human-esque man said, nudging Klavier on the shoulder as they sat on the couch together. “You’ve been putting this shit off for four days… You know your lie about having to help the local whalers can only go so far… You gotta do it, bro. You gotta break up with her.” Klavier sighed heavily, his hands intertwined in his lap.
“Man… I know, I just… Ugh. It’s really hard…”
“Heh, hard.” Daryan chuckled. Klavier chuckled as well, though quickly returned to his nervous state. “Like, what’s the worst that’s gonna happen?”
“I dunno. She might try and kill me or something. Or like… tie me up and force me to be Jim from The Office. ‘Cause, y’know… Bitches be crazy, but this bitch be extra crazy.”
“Yeah… Listen, though. Here’s the thing. I’m gonna be there to protect you, bro. I’ll bring my baseball bat with nails in it. In case anything goes wrong, and I have to cave her skull in. Which, it won’t, because I don’t want to go to jail again, but like… If worse comes to worst, I’ll do it. If she tries and ties you up… If she tries to knock you down… I’ll be there for you.”
“Bro…” Klavier’s eyes began to shine. “We could use those as lyrics. Shit.”
“Hell yeah!” Daryan laughed. The two bros high fived. “So... Just know I’ve got your back. So you can do this. You will do this.” Klavier got back up and slapped his hands on his knees.
“Okay. I can do it. I’m ready. Let’s ride.”
April 13th, 2:00 P.M.
The Ghetto
Athena’s Apartment Complex
“Well… Here we are.” Klavier said, helmet in hand. The Ghetto had not changed much since his last visit, let alone when Apollo came around. The shopping cart hobo was still around, pushing the other same hobo in the cart. The crack hookers were still pushing out at their usual spots, and stray bullets were abound, still flying by. There was also a baby. And some glowing dogs that had gotten into a uranium spill (Oops?!) were tusslin’ around, fighting over the baby. Daryan didn’t have much to say, but he let out a sucking-in-air noise to signify displeasure/disgust.
“Damn. Those wolves really are fighting over that baby. Wow. That baby’s gonna be raised by wolves…” Daryan said in awe.
“Those aren’t wolves, bro. Just mutant dogs.”
“No, no… They’re wolves at heart. Just like when I fell into an aquarium when I was a baby… Those fish? Those fish were sharks at heart. They raised me.”
“Dude. I met Brenda and Dave before, I know who raised you. And that aquarium was just your goldfish tank, bro…”
“Whatever, man! I wish I could’ve been raised by fish…-WHOA!” A stray bullet grazed the very tip of Daryan’s ‘pomp. “Shit. Let’s hurry up. I don’t want to lose any more of my hair. Especially after I let it down at the springs… Took me forever to style it. Like, I had to buy this weird metal skeleton thing to hold it together…”
“Why didn’t you just keep it down, bro? You looked good that way.”
“Well, I uh…” Daryan began to blush. “Let’s just go.”
The two men ascended the stairs… The clouds began to darken. It seemed as if a menacing presence was emanating from above. Tensions began to rise, as the two bros walked up each step. Step by step, their hearts began to collectively pound. And then… They reached it. Apartment #316. Her apartment. That woman’s apartment. Things felt… Fishy, to say the least. Klavier gulped loudly, “Los geht’s.” He knocked gently on the door. No answer. Perhaps she wasn’t home? He then buzzed on the buzzer. No answer. “F-Fuck man. I can’t do this... Maybe she’s not home, righ-” He was instantly cut off by Daryan’s pounding on the door.
“OPEN UP!!! IT’S KLAVIER!!!” Daryan yelled, trying his best to emulate Klavier’s voice.
“No, shit, what are you d-” Athena opened up her janky front door. Klavier was there, and her eyes lit up.
"Babe!!!" she yelled, and ran to hug him, but Klavier made a swift dodge to the left. Athena was simply unphased by this, and just looked at him. "W-What's up?!" she asked, hands together, smiling.
"Fraulein Cykes. Listen. I don't know how else to say this." Klavier said, dreading the reaction that would ensue from the mentally unstable young woman.
"Yeah? What is it babe? Tell me. Tell me! Now." Athena responded, clapping.
"Ugh, listen... You and me? We're... Well, okay. Let me start by saying one thing. You remember the thing you wanted me to do with you?"
"Oh!!! The thing! Where we roleplay as Jim and Pam, right?! That’s gonna be SO hot. SO fucking hot!!!" Athena giggled.
"Haha, ja..." Klavier sighed. "See, kinda... well, the second you said you wanted me to pretend to be... Jim... I got kinda soft. Like, serious boner-killer. And you just do this every goddamn day, Fraulein Cykes. You want me to dress as him, you want me to act like him. I thought it was just a funny joke the first couple times, but to actually go with it? Especially in bed? That's where I draw the line."
"W-What...?" Athena asked. "You... You don’t like being... Being the Jim to my Pam...?" Tears welled up in her eyes.
"Yeah, sorry. I don't even really like The Office anyways. The UK one is so much better, ja?"
"...What the fuck did you just s-" Athena responded, but Klavier interrupted with a quick:
"Listen, I'm just going to cut to the chase. You and me? Sorry, Fraulein Cykes. It's over. We're done."
"Wh...What?!" Athena asked. Angry anime veins began to form on her forehead. It made the same sound effect that happens in One Piece when Doflamingo’s (And we believe Charlotte Katakuri once or twice, don’t quote us) forehead veins bulge out in tension and/or anger. "You're breaking up with me?!"
"Ja." Klavier said, nodding. "And I'm taking the cat, too."
"Ross!? You're taking Ross!?! Why?!" Athena screeched.
"Well... Every time I go and groom him, I leave, come back, and he's back to looking like a stray who smells like shit. Clearly I love this cat more than you do. Oh, and his name is Spätzle now, you got it?" Athena got even angrier.
"The fuck?! You don't love Ross more than m-"
"Spätzle, Fraulein. Spätzle. I fucking hate Friends, ja? See, you're doing nothing good with the cat. Nothing good with me. If you really like Jimbo, or whatever his name is, why don't you go and marry him?" He said, chuckling.
"I tried!!! You were going to be my Jim!"
"See, I'm not, am I? And I don't want to be, it's weird. Just give me Spätzle and I'll be on my way, ja?" Athena went into full primal rage mode. She ran and grabbed one of the wine bottles lying on her floor and threw it at Klavier.
"You fucking heartbreaker!!!" she yelled, as it flew through the air. He dodged the bottle with relative ease.
“Whoa…” Daryan said, shocked at her wine-throwing outburst.
"Calm down, Fraulein. We don't want to get shot out here. This is the ghetto after all."
"No!! You stupid fucking asshole!!" Athena screeched, throwing another bottle, missing, shattering into a million pieces on impact of the cement below.
"Come now, I'm sure you'll find someone wh-"
"NO!!!" Athena grabbed yet another one, and ran, bashing Klavier over the shoulder with it, glass shattering everywhere and scratching him on the cheek. That was when he had enough. Daryan got fired up and stood in front of the deranged woman, holding her back.
"Listen, I've tried to be calm! I've tried resolving this like an adult, ja? But you clearly aren't going to act like one, even after I've tried. I really saw something in you! I cleaned you up! Cleaned up that fish stank Herr Forehead always complained about. Bought you some new clothes! And yet here you are, back to where you once were! Now you're trying to live out some stupid Office fantasy! And that goddamned fish stank is setting in again! This is why I'm done with you, Fraulein Cykes. You see, ja?!"
"F-fish stank!?" she yelled, breaking free from Daryan’s grasp.
“Whoa, this woman’s wild!” Daryan interjected, stumbling from the force of Athena’s struggle.
"Ja! Fish stank! Like a fish market with a hint of death!" he snapped back.
"I... I can't believe you! I thought you loved me!" She sobbed.
"I did!!! But you just keep turning into that mess you once were! No wonder Wright had to make the unfortunate decision of firing you! Even Apollo couldn't stand you!" This, and Klavier's icy cold glare was colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra in January, striking her like an icicle straight through the tits.
"F-fine! Fuck you too then, stupid Kraut bastard!" She yelled, going into the house, grabbing Spätzle and throwing it at him. "Take your stupid cat and leave!" Klavier caught the cat, who was instantly happier being in his arms once more.
"Fine! Goodbye, Fraulein Cykes! You and I are donion rings! Diese Scheiße ist fertig!"
"Fine! Stupid uncultured... Office hating, Friends hating, uncultured swine baka motherfuck asshole stupid! Dumb! Stupid dummy!" She screeched, as she slammed the door and locked it.
After her banshee-like meltdown, Daryan turned to Klavier and said, “Welp, that went better than expected!” Klavier, hands still shaking from the previous adrenaline rush, let out a huge sigh of relief, it felt like the weight of the world was off his shoulders. He handed the cat to his bro.
“Alright, let’s get the fuck out of here and watch some CSI: Miami!” They both screamed ‘YEAH,’ much akin to the opening scream in the opening song for CSI: Miami. As they walked down the stairs, back towards their bike, Old Cletus, one of the oldest and most seasoned and respected inhabitants of the local Ghetto, came up to Klavier and Daryan.
“WELP! Howdy doo, that sure was a little howdy doo you and that lassie had there! HOWDY DOO! I’m Old Cletus!”
“It sure was, Old Cletus…” Klavier nodded at his new friend and ally.
“HOWDY DOO!” he yelled. “You two kids go have fun now! Or if you two are lovers, that’s cool too! Hope you two have a little… Howdy doo!” He sauntered away with style and grace that only someone such as Old Cletus could possess.
“I’m not gay, bro!” Daryan yelled. But Old Cletus was already out of earshot, merely muttering ‘Howdy doo’ to himself over and over again, going into his old and weathered (like he) shack.
“Okay, bro… We get it, you’re not gay. You don’t need to keep saying that. Now let’s get a move on.” Klavier said. Him and Daryan got onto Klavier’s Hog: The Rad Rad, donning their helmets (including a little special-made one for Spätzle) revving the engine. “You better keep that cat safe, bro.”
“Hah. No worries. I got him.” And with that, the two drove back to Klavier’s Penthouse. As they drove off, a homeless man sitting on a stump gave the two the finger guns, yelling to them in his best effort: “Habbadabba!” Klavier and Daryan had no idea what this phrase was supposed to signify, but they gave him a little toot of the horn in acknowledgement. They drove off into the daylight.
April 13th, 2:45 P.M.
Klavier’s Penthouse
“Come on, buddy!” Klavier said, letting Spätzle into the house. He had already prepared a litter box as well as food and water bowls for the poor creature. Spätzle started to sniff around and explore the apartment.
“Wow! Man. You’re gonna give that thing a bath, right?” Daryan said, pinching his nose.
“Ja, ja, of course. Don’t worry. I’ll give him a bath later tonight. And tomorrow I’m gonna set up a visit to the vet. Gotta get him his shots, and make sure he ain’t sick or nothin. Ja?”
“Yeah. Just like me! I love getting my shots and making sure I ain’t sick or nothin’. Makes me feel like a man.” Daryan said, plopping down on the black leather couch, a can of Bud Light in hand. He cracked it open and sucked it down, a mighty “ahhhh!” ensuing. “Is it CSI Miami time, bro?”
“Ja, bro! Haha!” Klavier said, pulling out a bottle of Beck’s. He kept the fine German beers for himself, while reserving those dirty American beers for guests, and Daryan, who seemed to love Bud Light more than any other beer. What a freak. Klavier then hunkered down right next to the pomped-up shark man. He sat so close that they were touching thighs. Klavier picked up the remote and turned on the TV, navigating to wherever they would watch CSI Miami. The episode began, and the two yelled “YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” along with the theme song. That was their favorite part. Laughs were had, beers were drank, and the day was enjoyed.
“Man, I tell ya. I’m really glad you came along, man. I don’t think I could have stood up to her if you hadn’t given me the courage, y’know?” Klavier said, tenderly, staring at his bro. A blush of blush crept over Daryan’s cheeks, nose bridge, and even ears which apparently can indeed blush.
“Oh... haha, yeah man, no problemo…” Daryan said trying to be nonchalant. Then, he burped. Klavier just began laughing at this. “Haha!” Daryan did laugh at this after a moment as well. Then Klavier turned and faced him. He had a strange look in his eyes, one Daryan couldn’t decipher. He leaned closer, parting his lips as to say something, but he didn’t need to - His eyes said it all. Daryan shut his eyes, and braced himself for his first man-kiss.
Then Klavier reached past Daryan’s shoulder, and picked up little Spätzle who was sitting on the back of the couch. “Come here lil’ guy!” Klavier laughed and scooped the fuzzy baby into his arms and kissed him profusely, despite how dirty he was. Daryan opened his eyes and blinked three times, realizing that Klavier was only after the affections of the cat. He cleared his throat, and silently went back to binging CSI: Miami.
April 13th, 5:00 P.M.
Klavier's Penthouse
Cans, bottles, bags of chips and the like were piling on Klavier’s coffee table. This intense of a CSI: Miami binge ‘sesh required only the most potent of sustenance. This included: Blue Heat Takis, Bang Noo Fusion Energy Drinks (filled with 10050 mg of active ingredient power). After the quick beers, this shot them out of a buzz quicker than Sonic the Hedgehog fusing with a lone Pikachu. Other such snacks included German sweets, eXtreme Sour Patch Kids, and of course… Thin Mints.
“Man… That beer and all this other shit I ate and drank… Shit ain’t sittin’ well, bro. Maybe stacking energy drinks on top of alcohol ain’t a good idea.” Daryan said.
“What…?” Klavier said, spacing out from the sheer amount of Taki powder clogging his brain.
“You think that like… We’re gonna die at the age of 40 if we continue like this?”
“Nah, man… We’re rockstars. Look at Keith Richards. Dude should have been dead, like… millions of times. But he’s still alive by the grace of God. Ja… We’ll be alright. And we’ve only done coke like… Twice ever, when we were like, 17. That’s not that bad!”
“Oh, man… Never again, bro. I was so fucked up like you wouldn’t believe. Like… I saw angels n’ shit. And sharks. And angels riding sharks.”
“No, no, bro. Those were the shrooms. The coke was when you balled up into a corner and cried for like… Six hours.” Klavier chuckled.
“Uh… What did you do that whole time?”
“Oh, I was having sex with that Jessica broad. Y’know, who I was dating back then.”
“Oh, right...Stupid slut. Well, I’m glad we don’t do that anymore! Coke, I mean. And, well, for you, I’m glad you don’t do Jessica anymore. Heh. But I mean, once we got into the law? That shit was out, bro. We may be rock stars, but we have like… Morals, n’ shit. Or… Well, most of the time. I did kill a man, didn’t I?”
“You sure did bro! Haha!” Klavier chuckled, downplaying the intensity of the crime. “Hey, speaking of your crime, how’d you manage to get that ankle bracelet I just remembered was in this story in the hot springs? Shouldn’t that shit have short-circuited by then?”
“Heh! I’ll never tell.” Daryan laughed in a standard anime elbows up-hands behind head pose.
“And, y’know… It’s like. They’re awfully lenient in letting you just go wherever you want to. They’re really shitty parole officers, huh?”
The two began to laugh. Just then, Klavier’s cell phone began to ring. “Aw… What the fuck? It’s the boss…” Klavier answered.
Call Log: April 13th, 5:05 P.M.
Klavier Gavin speaking… What’s up, Herr Edgeworth?
Oh, nothing. Nothing. Well, it is something. Very important, actually. I need you and your hooligan crony to get down to my house this instant.
Aw, what? Man… It’s my day off! We’re watching CSI: Miami. Come on…
Listen. It’s important. Like… Life-changingly important. Well, maybe not for us, but for Dick Gumshoe it is. And you wouldn’t want to let Dick Gumshoe down, would you?
I… Well, I don’t really know him that well so I don’t give much of a shit, but-
This is important! Just… Come on down or I’m docking your pay. I’ll even turn on some of that NCIS or whatever it is if it so pleases you…
Bro, it’s CSI: Miami.
Whatever. I’ll bring snacks too.
Eh, you sold me. I’m on my way.
END CALL LOG
Klavier put his phone back into his pocket. “Yo, bro. We gotta go. Edge-man called. And to him? We can’t say no.”
Daryan sighed, begrudgingly. “Fine… But I’m bringing the Buds, bro.” He said, getting up to the fridge. On getting up, a cloud of blue Taki dust emanated from the man.
“Alright, alright. Let’s ride…” Klavier said, putting his jacket on, and grabbing the keys. What awaited the two? What could Edgeworth need so badly? Well, you, the dear readers probably know. But the boys don’t… Yet.
Chapter 39: Planning the Wedding
Summary:
Oops! We forgor to upload this one! Now this one is fun, so please read it because it is good. AND COMMENT PLEASE.
Chapter Text
April 13th, 1:00 P.M.
Los Angeles, Japanifornia
The Roads
Edgeworth slammed on the gas of his Rose-colored Alfa Romeo GTV, which he specifically got after a quick trip to his garage using his standard Red Alfa Romeo GTV to get there. He picked his rose one for the color of love, as roses often signify in Western culture. After all, this was a wedding- they needed to plan accordingly. Gumshoe connected his brand new Apple iPhone SE (He’s finally upgraded) to Edgeworth’s car. He blasted Ghettomusick by Outkast, to Edgeworth’s request.
“Ah, Speakerboxxx. Truly the superior of the two in that double album. Both are good, sure, but Big Boi’s consistency outshines Andre 3000’s creative endeavors here. And for the love of god, that man raps better than he sings. Do better, Andre 3000. Hmph. Well, I do like Love Hater, but that’s aside from the point...” Gumshoe had no idea what Edgeworth was speaking of necessarily.
“I thought these guys only ever did Hey Ya!” Gumshoe bellowed.
“Oh, you poor fool. No, in fact, Outkast, for most of its life, was merely just a rap duo. A very good one, might I add. I mean, come on, god damn, ATLiens? Aquemini? Maybe even Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik? Please tell me you’ve at least heard of Stankonia! Everyone has!”
“I like ZZ Top, Pal!” Gumshoe laughed. Edgeworth bashed his head on the steering wheel in frustration. He hoped he could one day find a friend, or a lover who had such refined music tastes as he.
“Well, Gummy…” Edgeworth said, holding back his frustrations, “I suggest you listen to more Outkast. The old stuff. Pre-Andre 3000 acting career Outkast.”
“Alright, I’ll make a note of that sir!” he said, whipping out the pencil behind his ear and the notepad in his pocket. The dynamic duo continued to conversate, and drove off into the distance, undaunted as ever.
April 13th, 1:11 P.M.
Ema Skye’s Abode
The Streets
Edgeworth, really not feeling like getting up, as he wanted to conserve all his energy for wedding planning, held his hand on horn indefinitely. After a bit, he started to mix things up a little bit. Like hitting it in rhythmic patterns, or random and sporadically. After three whole minutes of this, and wondering why nobody had called the cops yet, Ema Skye finally emerged from her house, wrapped up snuggly in a towel with wet hair. (For those of you after some fanservice, approximately one inch of cleavage could be seen.)
“What the fuck, who do you assclown motherfuckers thing you are, honking away for three goddamn minutes you stupid cu- Oh, It’s mister Edgeworth!” Ema’s initial anger turned to joy at the sight of that glorious red car. She walked up to the men. “I presume you’re here for something?”
“Hop in, Ms. Skye!” Edgeworth winked. Ema began to blush, did he finally want her?
“Oh! Um, I’m not dry yet though, or dressed-”
“No time for that, pal!” Gumshoe bellowed, as he opened the door rapidly and flung her in the backseat with all his might. Edgeworth then sped off back home. Ema was, effectively, just kidnapped.
“Oh! You people are eager, what’s going on?” Ema asked, leaning her head back.
“No, NO! Don’t get that wet hair on the backs of my leather!” Edgeworth yelled.
“EEP!” Ema eep’d. “So… What do you want me to do then?”
“I don’t know, put a towel behind you!”
“But… I’ve only got one. Unless… That’s what you’re wanting to see, Mr. Edge-HMMPH!” Just then, Gumshoe fung his entire trench coat over Ema’s head.
“You can use that, Pal!” Gumshoe laughed. Ema swung the coat over so she could once again breathe.
“I… Okay. So, what’s happening right now? Why is… All of this happening?”
“We’re plannin’ my wedding, Pal!” Gumshoe said, pointing his big thumb at himself, like a hearty anime character.
“N-NANI!?” Ema yelled in shock.
“Yes! We’re planning a wedding, and if there’s one thing you should know about me, Ms. Skye… Is that I love planning weddings.” Edgeworth said with determination.
“Oh, really!? I love planning weddings too!” Ema thought they were a match made in heaven. “So… You think my scientific prowess can help you out then, master?”
“Please… Don’t call me that.” Edgeworth said. “But yes, your scientific mind will be integral to making the best wedding possible. And, of course, you’re going to need to be one of Maggey’s bridesmaids, of course.” Ema’s eyes shone with vigor and excitement, like a baby cow born into this world. (Except they are shiny because they are wet. But also filled with vigor. And excitement, and passion for the world around them, with limitless grass to munch on for years to come).
“A B-b-b-bridesmaid?!” Ema gasped. “I’ve always wanted to be one of those! It’s one of my life’s dreams. After being a forensic scientist… And being with you, master…”
“I… Please, stop calling me that. I am flattered, but-”
“OKAY! Let’s go guys!” Ema said, rubbing her hands together. “I just can’t wait to get started now! Come on, master, floor it! Floor it!” Ignoring the ‘master’ comment, Edgeworth did indeed floor it. And there they went, on the way to Edgeworth’s estate.
April 13th, 1:25 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
After arriving back at the estate Edgeworth, Gumshoe, and Ema hurriedly made their way to Edgeworth’s special planning room and table. Ema slipped on one of the “HORVARD” hoodies they lifted from Payne’s manor, as Ema was just about sick and tired of being exposed. However, she still had no pants, but the hoodie was big enough to cover up her mound. Miles sat down at the end of the table and pulled out a large binder full of a checklist of what one could ever need at a wedding. “Gummy. You know what to do.” Edgeworth snapped his fingers. Gumshoe then rolled in a large whiteboard, whipping out his Expo markers (in black, red, and blue, the “Teacher’s Trifecta,” as some may say), and writing in black “WEDDENG PLAN.”
“Um… You spelled it wrong!” Ema said, holding back laughter.
“What, ‘plan?’ Nah, that’s right.” Gumshoe responded. Ema didn’t push it any further, letting the man live in blissful ignorance.
“Right. Looks like everyone’s here… Except.... Oh, the bride!” Edgeworth held his finger up. “Where could she be?!”
“I got it, Pal!” Gumshoe ran off back into the house. Edgeworth and Ema, left alone, stood there for about five minutes in deafening silence. Ema clearly was making motions to get Edgeworth’s attention, but he was too busy looking at color palettes on his phone. After those five deadly minutes, Gumshoe ran back into the Planning Room, cargo-carrying Maggey over his shoulder. He gently placed her in a chair.
“Oh, so are we finally gonna talk about the wedding?!” Maggey asked excitedly, adjusting her glasses.
“Yes! Yes we are, in fact!” Edgeworth exclaimed, looking more gleeful than ever. “First thing’s first… Indoor or outdoor… This will set the precedent for the entire event. Dick, Maggey, considering that you two are the main event, so to say, what say you?”
“Well, Pal… Actually… We had an idea for what kind of wedding we wanted as a whole!”
“Oh? Do tell.” Edgeworth said, hand held outwards. Gumshoe and Maggey looked at eachother with excitement. Their grins morphing into… even bigger grins.
“BLUE BADGER WEDDING!” The two yelled in unison. Edgeworth was taken aback. He couldn’t believe the words that just came out of their mouths. His Blue-Badger related PTSD began to flare up.
“I-Uh. Oh. Shit. Well, uh… Um. Haha. Well. Whatever makes the couple happy I suppose! Oh, goodness…”
“E!” Maggey squeaked in delight. Ema looked at Edgeworth with a displeased expression.
“This is going to be a long day…”
April 13th, 5:25 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
Planning Room
After countless brutal hours of wedding planning, things were finally starting to take shape. Edgeworth had everything written down on the board. “Alright, everyone. After all these hours… We’ve decided on a general game plan. So… In short…” Edgeworth grabbed a baton, and began pointing at the whiteboard. “This wedding will be indoors, with the color palette of the Blue Badger… Much to my dismay… Pastel blue, and pastel yellow accents.”
“Took a long time to convince you, Pal!” Gumshoe laughed. Much of the last four hours had been spent with Edgeworth desperately trying to get them to have any other wedding theme. But for his best friend, he caved.
“Yes… Well, anyways. There will be a Blue Badger ice statue in the punch bowl. We’ve got an idea for a catering company, Wolfgang Puck Catering- the most expensive catering company in L.A., and we’ll have to make a reservation at The Vibiana - A historic 1876 cathedral transformed into a vibrant, full-service event space, a stunning Italian Baroque facade, onyx & marble interior, massive cupola, manicured garden courtyard, and 83-foot bell tower, as well as state-of-the-art lighting and sound systems, high-quality rental items, seasoned event staff, and an extensive, foodie-forward dining and craft libations program… And the most expensive venue in L.A. I’ll have my secretary make those calls.”
“Who’s your secretary…?” Ema asked.
“I thought it was you, wasn’t it?” Edgeworth responded.
“What??” Ema looked shocked. “I’m in forensics. Since when was I your secretary…?”
“Oh. Shit. I mean, with your dynamic in our group, I figured that… Well, you had taken the job, after all the help you did with paperwork and all. Damn, I’ve been sending all my important calls to your number… Hm. Might have to get that fixe-”
“Oh nononononono! It’s okay, master! I’ve been taking care of all of it in my free time! I just… I just didn’t think you actually considered me your… Your secretary!” Ema’s eyes beamed with joy.
“Oh, okay, well… You seem to be doing a good job at it, so I’ll leave you to it. Er... You don’t expect any pay, do you? After all, it is voluntary…”
“Oh, pshaw! Just doing work for you is good enough, Master~” Ema said, really accentuating the master in that sentence. “I’ll make those calls for you ASAP.”
“Good! I think everything’s sorted out then…” Edgeworth said, proud of himself and his wedding planning prowess. “And thankfully those two ruffians are on their way so we can figure out the supply end of things…”
“Wait! Wait!!!” Maggey said, excitedly. “You’re forgetting something!” Edgeworth looked shocked. How could he, Miles Edgeworth: Ace Wedding Planner (and attorney) forget something!? If anyone in the wedding planning community found out, he’d be exiled from the exclusive Linkedin groups that he was in! And that cannot happen in the professional world. Being exiled from a Linkedin group is among the cardinal sins of humanity.
“I… I forgot something?”
“Yeah, Pal! What about the live entertainment that we expect!?” Gumshoe bellowed.
“You called?” A mysterious voice echoed through the halls.
Just then… As if fate would have it… A gust of sexy wind blew through the Planning Room. In entered… Klavier Gavin & Daryan Crescend!?
“Oh, thank god you two are here now! In fact… It feels as if the whims of fate are truly behind us yet!” Edgeworth announced, arms spread wide. Klavier lifted up his sunglasses.
“So… Need some live entertainment? The Gavinners got’cha covered. You guys like rock n’ roll?” Klavier snapped, pointing at everyone.
“Oh boy, do we ever!” Gumshoe and Maggey jumped up and cheered at the same time. Things were shaping up for their wedding, and the gears of matrimony were finally turning at full blast.
“Yes, yes. But not only do we need live entertainment, provided by you two, but… We’ll need you two to play the integral role of helping us shop for supplies and put together the venue. We need men with some level of strength to do these things.”
“Alright, we’ll do it then.” Daryan said, arms crossed. “Iff’n you’re willing to pay.”
“Pay? Well, I already pay Mr. Gavin over here every two weeks, no worries.” Miles said.
“I mean me! I don’t have a job right now, so I’m very reliant on my bro’s income over here, like… I gotta fund the Takis somehow, bro.” Daryan pouted.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about with these ‘tackies’, but… I’ll have our accountant write a bonus on Mr. Gavin’s check. You two can fight over it as you like.” Edgeworth said, arms crossed, tapping on his bicep.
“Yesss!” Klavier and Daryan gutturally yelled, hi-fiving.
“Good, good. Everything looks to be settled then…” Edgeworth announced. “So, we just need to figure out-”
“A DRESS!” Maggey screeched. “This is the most important part of any wedding, the bride’s dress! I’ll have to get the girls together and we can all go shopping for one! But… Another thing, when are we going to actually do the wedding? I mean… That’s kinda important and all!”
“Hmm…” Edgeworth pondered for a moment. “What say we do this on May 11th?”
“May 11th?! That's...28 days!” Gumshoe bellowed with concern. “You sure we can do it that quickly, Pal? That's not even a month!” Edgeworth, in response to this condescendingly chuckled.
“Don’t you know? I’m a professional wedding planning speedrunner. In fact, this is a mere practice run! A hefty amount of days, such as the 28 in question gives me more than enough time. In fact, I’ve got a sub-seven run on my Linkedin group right now! This is child’s play.” Edgeworth’s eyes lit up in a fiery resolve. “This wedding… Yes, this wedding will be done in time and perfectly. I, Miles Edgeworth, king of logistics, deductions, prosecutorialness, weddings, and money profess this as so. No mistakes, no errors, in fact, every one of you will help. And I’ll have to tell Wright so his band of loons can do it as well. Yes… Yes. It will be glorious!” Edgeworth yelled. Everyone cheered at this.
“Yeah! I’m gettin’ married, Pal!” Gumshoe pumped his fist in the air, clutching Maggey’s tit in the other hand. He started doing this for fun ever since the hot springs excursion.
“Yeah! I’m getting married!” Maggey pumped her fist in the air with Gumshoe.
“Yeah... We’re gonna rock their socks off.” Daryan chuckled.
“Yeah. We’ll give them a show to remember.” Klavier snapped his fingers.
“Yeah… Whatever you say, I’ll help… Master! Teehee.” Ema giggled.
“Yes, yes… But first, all of you rest. It will be a busy month ahead. In fact… I must make plans myself. Tomorrow marks mine and Mr. Wright’s monthly luncheon. It is of the utmost importance that I prepare a place for us to attend to. Now… I’ll be on my way. May we throw the greatest wedding man has ever seen…! Within the limits of being a Blue Badger wedding!” Everyone cheered as Edgeworth made his way back into his abode. He rubbed his hands together in excitement and did a little jig. He tee-hee-heed and squealed in delight like a little girl. “Ahh! I love planning weddings!”
Chapter 40: The Monthly Luncheon
Summary:
Phoenix and Edgeworth meet up at the Delite Deli for their monthly luncheon, a tradition bound by the two's friendship. But when Phoenix's mental health comes into question, Edgeworth puts forward a plan to restore his best friend, ally, and occasional rival to the man he once was. The man he always knew and loved- In a bro kind of way.
Chapter Text
April 14th, 12:03 P.M.
The Very Big Mall
Delite Deli
Edgeworth tapped his foot with slight levels of impatience and woe. Where was Phoenix? He was always on time for their monthly luncheon. In fact, he would often try and race Edgeworth to be the first one there. But this time? No Phoenix to be found. “Blast… Something is amiss. Something is wrong, when it should be Wright. Ha ha. That is a play on his name… But anyways… Hmm… Should I call him? No… That’d be rude… I should wait. Maybe he’s stuck in traffic. Maybe he’s sick. Oh god, he better not be sick, he better not have gotten bitten by a wild badger, and contracted Rabies. That shit has a 99.9% mortality rate. I don’t want to have to Old Yeller him, if you know what I mean, dear readers. Shit… Shit!!! Wright… Where are you…?”
As Edgeworth was mumbling to himself with increasing levels of distress, Wright walked into the Delite Deli, dressed in his classic casual hoodie and “PaPa” hat combo. He even had his signature stubble, which really brought out the definition in his jaw. And god, that clavicle. He was so sexy in his hobo gear - You’d think it’d give the opposite impression, but in actuality, it’s peak Phoenix. Even Edgeworth found himself a little enraptured by this look, with the iota of male attraction he has within him. Of course, black women were his priority, and women of all other kinds came after, but once in a blue moon, on a red night in the sea, with a green sky covering the day, the RGB values combine in such a way that makes him feel the love for another man like he never felt before. But not to the level that he’d even consider giving one a blowy, let alone a handy, or even a tug on the nugs - That’d be crossing the line - but he still saw that Phoenix was a real piece of work. Much akin to when he discovered Gumshoe’s hidden manhood.
“Ugh, hey Edgeworth…” Phoenix said, plopping down on the chair. Edgeworth and Phoenix did their secret handshake as they always do on the monthly luncheon (or, Muncheon as they sometimes refer to it as). Phoenix fumbled around in his pockets, pulling out many things and scattering them across the counter. Loose coins, a pack of cigs, a mini bottle of whiskey, his wallet, and his phone, which he promptly began to look at.
“Wright… You took up smoking? And drinking?! Good god, what’s happened to you? It’s only been… A week or so! Did that Fey lass leave you or something? Did someone die? Jesus Christ…” Phoenix merely grumbled at this, shaking his head. As the two continued to sit, with a concerned look on Edgeworth’s face, Desiree Delite walked towards them at the counter, with her classic customer-service smile.
“Well, hi you two! Oh! Wait… Is that…” Edgeworth nodded at Desiree.
“Yes, it is Mr. Phoenix Wright indeed. I believe he helped you in the past?” A joyous look appeared on her face, as if she was meeting up with an old friend and ally. Because she was.
“Mr. Wright, it’s been years! Like, eleven years! Like, since the third game at least! How come you haven’t come and visited since then?” she said, as she placed two glasses of water down.
“Mmmuhhh…” Phoenix sighed, slapping his head on the table. “I’ve been through a lot…” Desiree’s smile slowly faded away into a look of concern.
“Oh, don’t worry about him.” Edgeworth said, his hand on the table, giving it a light tap. “He gets in these moods. This happened once oh… Well, eleven years ago, actually! It was a few months after the legendary Mask☆Demasque trials. But don’t you worry, Mrs. Delite. We’re here to have a nice luncheon! Isn’t that right, Wright?!” Edgeworth laughed while patting Phoenix’s back. He chuckled some, but sighed nonetheless.
“Well, it’s good to hear you’re alive at least, Mr. Wright! Like, gosh, I thought you might have died or something! I mean, you never know when Dysentery might strike! You know, it’s making a comeback? Anyways… What can I get’cha to eat? You two must be hungry!”
“Yes, I will have… Well, you know what I’m going to have- The Edgeworth Special. You named it after me after all the times I’ve come here to eat! Which is many. Isn’t that funny, Wright? She named a sandwich after me! I mean, god damn, never thought I’d reach that level of fame. Hahaha!” He scoffed to himself. Phoenix was dead silent, looking at the small laminated menu, as Desiree wrote the order on her little notepad.
“Uhhh… I’ll have what he’s having… And… I dunno, you got some chili? I love chili… It’s the one thing I have in this world anymore that doesn’t see me as a freak…” Desiree didn’t know how to respond to this, so she quietly wrote it down, and walked back to the kitchen. Before getting there though, she turned back and just had to tell him:
“Well, lucky you, Mr. Wright. Our chili is world famous. My mom’s famous recipe! Hopefully, well...” She looked down and put her two fingers together. “I hope it warms your heart and fills your stomach. Maybe it’ll make you feel better, I hope.”
“Wow… Nice… Chili…” Phoenix sighed as she walked off. Once she was out of earshot, Edgeworth gave Phoenix a stern look.
“Level with me, Wright. What is going on? You have to tell me. I am your best friend.” Edgeworth claimed.
“Ugh… You’re right. You are my best friend. I need to tell you.” Phoenix looked down, taking a sip of water and a deep breath (But not at the same time. Because then you would choke. Did you know that you can technically drown with merely a spoonful of water? Fun facts). “I… I’ve been having some issues lately. Nightmares. Every day… I dream that all the people I know and love are betraying me. That they hate me. Because I’m not rich enough… I’m not hot enough… I’m not smart enough… I mean, shit, even Apollo was getting more puss than me in that dream. How’s that possible?! I mean, damn. I guess it’s true though… I… I guess, you’re richer… Diego’s hotter… Apollo’s younger… I… See what I mean?! I’m inferior! I’m not good enough! I’m n-”
“WRIGHT!” Edgeworth cut him off (very loudly), with a gusty bellow, hands on Wright’s shoulders. “Hold the phone. What? You’re basing all of this off a dream!?”
“It’s not just a dream. It’s my life!” Phoenix whimpered. “It’s a culmination of all my worst insecurities! Don’t you see? I feel like it’s all coming to fruition. I mean, shit… Every day for the last while, since at least the end of the trial I’ve felt this fear… This constant, bugging fear that… That I’m just freaking out that I’m gonna lose everyone! You… My office… M-Maya…” Tears began to well up in his eyes. Edgeworth looked incredibly distraught.
“Wright… I have to tell you this in earnest, for I am your friend. That is all pure, unadulterated bullshit.”
“Wh-what?”
“I mean, just listen to me for a second, god dammit. Wright. You… Have had a very long and fruitful career. I mean, you’ve only ever lost three times. And one was a fluke! He was actually guilty anyway! That’s quite good! And… Look at you. You have an office. You recovered from being disbarred. You have a lovely girlfriend and a daughter who you just freed from a potential life in the slammer! Wright… How could you say you’re inferior!? I mean… You saved my life! No man could ever do what you did against the Manfred von Karma and still feel inferior!” Phoenix looked down and sighed once more, because sighing is something that sad people do and sometimes dogs, randomly.
“Well… I can’t argue with those points, but… That was then. This is now! You all could leave me… You all could hate me… I… I can’t afford that. And, okay, I admit, my biggest problem is how I look. Especially compared to Diego. I mean, damn, that’s one sexy Puerto Rican. He looks so good for his age! And… I’m getting flabby… And grey hairs… And… Ugh. Maya’s still so pretty… What if she’s just settling for less? I’m sure there’s younger, handsomer guys out there. I… I dunno, do I even have the personality to make up for all my shortcomings? I… I… I’m so scared… Every day… Every single day…” Phoenix’s hands began to shake. Sweat dripped down his brow.
“Wright… Goodness, it’s just a part of aging! I mean, look at me, my hair is grey already!”
“IT’S ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT!!” Phoenix screamed, ugly-sobbing. Edgeworth looked very taken aback by this. Phoenix started hammering the table as soon as Desiree put down their food. She looked very concerned as well.
“Uh-umm… Enjoy your food, guys!” Desiree shuffled back in the kitchen so she could discuss this with her husband, as any loving couple would.
“Wright… I think you may have a chemical imbalance in your brain.” He said, taking a massive bite of the Edgeworth special.
“God damn, this chili is so fucking good I could cum…” Phoenix muttered to himself, clearly not listening to Edgeworth, who cleared his throat uncomfortably.
“Did you hear… Uh… What I said?”
“What? Something about… A chili imbalance?” Phoenix grumbled.
“No, no! A chemical imbalance! In your brain, I mean. I think… I think you need to consider seeing a psychiatrist.”
“What?! You think I’m all like… Depressed and shit? All my concerns are totally valid and not-at-all irrational! Come on, dude.”
“Wright, you’re shaking!” Edgeworth looked at Phoenix’s hand, which were indeed shaking. The spoon in his hands was shaking so violently, you’d think it was at least the Pussy-Pulverizer 2000. One of the earlier models, because they improved their technology and vibration potential over time. “I mean, seriously! You’re clearly having a panic attack over something so… So irrational!”
“Oh yeah!?” Phoenix said, getting defensive. “If I was having a panic attack, could I eat this chili and sandwich right now?!” Phoenix began violently eating, food particles flying all over the place.
“Um… Yes, in fact.” Edgeworth held his finger up. “People often eat while under stress. And, likewise, you could be sitting perfectly still and still have a panic attack! And I feel as if this is a great reason for concern. In fact… I’ve noticed this over the last while. You’ve always had these… Moments. These moments where it felt like something was wrong. Like a fear, a strange type of fear would come over you. Within the blink of an eye, you’d become a totally different person. Wright… I’ve always suspected you needed psychological evaluation for this, but… This only proves it.” Edgeworth said, taking a proud bite of his sandwich. Phoenix took a second to process what Miles said.
“Wait… Wait… So… You’re saying… There’s something wrong with me?”
“Obviously, Jesus, haven’t you been listening? Obviously, don’t take it as if I think you’re a freak or that I hate you or something. Wright… I think perhaps there may be a solution to this, if you go and get help!” Phoenix took a second to think, taking a bite of chili, slurping in the cheese and onions he topped it with.
“Shit… Wait, there’s a cure to this? Then… There’s a solution? A way out? Maybe even… A resolution? Possibly even… A turnabout?”
“All of those things and more, my friend. You just must go to a therapist. I can get you to one today, in fact, if you’re so willing to go. Using my connections and all. Wright… You may even need to become medicated.” Just then, Desiree came bustling in with Ron in hand.
“You… Mr. Wright, I heard everything. I’ve been eavesdropping on this conversation this entire time! Listen, Ronnie had a similar issue that you did. And… Well, after he became free from prison, we took him to therapy! He got medicated! He’s on Prozac! Because Prozac made a big comeback. And it works! He still has horrible anxiety, but it’s way better than it used to be! Right, Ronnie!?” Desiree giggled while tugging on Ron’s hair curl.
“Y-yeah… It works, um, really well. I mean… for me at least.. For you I don’t know but don’t blame me if it doesn’t work, pleeeassssssee!” Ron bashfully blushed.
“See?! I think you really should consider it, Mr. Wright. At least seeing a professional could do wonders for you! Don’t put it off for literal years like some people! Who? I’ll never tell!” Desiree smiled brightly.
“M-meeeee?” Ron began to tremble.
“No, honey. Not you.” Desiree patted him on the shoulder. Ron went back into his neutral sprite pose.
“See, Wright? Everyone here is in agreement. What say we go to the local therapeutium after this meal, hmm?” Edgeworth said, smiling at Wright. Phoenix set down his spoon, but not before sucking all the chili residue off of it before placing it on his sandwich plate.
“You know what…?” Phoenix began, licking a small bit of chili off his lower lip before continuing. “Yeah. I think… I think it’s worth a shot. Let’s do it, buddy. But first… I gotta finish this fucking chili. I mean… God damn… Listen. Desiree.” Phoenix said, looking up at Desiree slurping down more chili. “This chili… Fuck… Unnnghhh…”
“I take it you like it…?” Desiree nervously giggled.
“Yeah… Yeah I fucking like it…” Phoenix said. “God… Fuck… Mmmm… Chili.”
“Um… Let’s, er… Have it to go Wri-”
“Too late.” Phoenix said, with an empty bowl of chili being slammed down onto the table. He then ate the remainder of his sandwich in one fell bite. “I’m not a fan of take out anyways… Now I’m ready. Thanks you two, the chili was orgasmic.” Phoenix smiled, nodding.
“Aw, you’re welcome! I’m glad you liked it. RON! HE LIKED THE CHILI!” Desiree screamed back towards the kitchen. Ron gave a meek thumbs up, and went back to his cooking. He truly was a master of his craft. “And, since you’re havin’ a bad day, it’s on the house!”
“Why, thank you Mrs. Delite!” Edgeworth said, dropping a benjamin on the counter nonetheless. “Now, let’s get going Wright, shall we?”
April 14th, 2:30 P.M.
The Los Angeles, Japanifornia Mental Health Facility of Mental Well-Being, Therapy, & Medicine
Room 201
“Wow. You, sir… You’re very mentally ill!” Dr. Shrink, M.D. stated in amazement. Dr. Shrink, M.D. was a little stout man, with a bald dome and white hair surrounding the back of his head. He had little glasses, and a finely groomed little mustache. He hobbled.
It had been some time since Edgeworth and Phoenix arrived at the Los Angeles, Japanifornia Mental Health Facility of Mental Well-Being, Therapy, & Medicine. Edgeworth got Phoenix in on short notice due to his valued connections. He had an immense level of power in this city, that often went understated. In the office, Phoenix was lying down on one of those therapy couches that every good therapist’s office has. He had to fill out a form detailing his feelings, thoughts, and fears from 1 to 5. Edgeworth helped guide him through it, as that was what good friends are for.
“Yeah… Don’t even get me started on my ex that tried to kill me… Literally!” Phoenix laughed.
“Oh. Yes, um… I see.” Dr. Shrink, M.D. said, scribbling ‘USES HUMOR TO COPE’ on his notepad. “Well… I think it may be a little early to fully diagnose you, but I can have you get in contact with one of the therapists in the facility, and maybe I-”
“Sir, I’m going to have to stop you right there.” Edgeworth said, holding his hand up like a crossing guard stopping oncoming cars from hitting small innocent school children in the streets. “This man is clearly mentally fucked! Listen. I know you’re saying all this because of protocol, but-”
“Now now… No need to act so hasty.” Dr. Shrink, M.D. said. “We have to go through the proper channels and protocols and all to get formal diagnoses and prescriptions…”
“Listen, I, Miles Edgeworth, have lived a long career where I strayed from using my wealth and connections and power for corrupt deeds. But if it’s for friendship… I’ll do anything!” He said, shaking his fist.
“What are you getting at, Mr. Edgeworth?”
“I’m saying… Give the man a free trial of Prozac. Now.”
“What?”
“You heard me, sir.”
“I… I can’t just do that! That’s illegal!”
“What?! Ha! With money you can do anything! Not that I normally think that, no, no, but this time it’s for my friend! Which… I have already stated.”
“Are you sure you’re not mentally ill yourself, sir?”
“I am fine! Listen, I have a lot of trauma, but I am not mentally ill! They are not connected! I guarantee it! Just… I’m not saying you’ll be prescribing it! I’m just saying I’ll slip you a Benjo if you give the man just one week’s worth of Prozac and see how he does! If it works, it works! This is urgent, man! Wright’s having panic attacks! He’s crying! Cumming over chili even! Is this not enough for you to give the man just a crumble of Prozac!? Come on! Wright needs this! He’s becoming less and less the Wright I once knew! The Wright I once loved! Uh… Platonically of course. I’m not gay! Ha ha.” Edgeworth said, with vigor and wit.
“Dude, I didn’t cum when I ate that chili… I just pre’d a little. It was good chili! Come on, we all do it…” Phoenix said, finally breaking his silence. Dr. Shrink, M.D. and Edgeworth both looked back at him, with Edgeworth silently pointing at Phoenix to prove his point. Dr. Shrink, M.D. sighed heftily, and flipped through his notes.
“I… I see what you’re saying, Mr. Edgeworth. And I do not want to break the law. So… I will merely expedite the process and bring in my colleague, the therapist Dr. Shrank, M.D. We’re not related. But… I can see this is urgent, so if she deems it appropriate, we will prescribe the desired medication. I guess Prozac, since you seem so intent on giving Mr. Wright here Prozac. I mean, we have Zoloft too, and plenty of o-”
“No.” Edgeworth said, holding up his finger. “He must have Prozac. It’s a requirement.”
“O-okay… Well, alright, I guess… Um… I’ll be right back then… Freaks.” Dr. Shrink, M.D. muttered the last part to himself before leaving the room. This left Phoenix and Edgeworth waiting for some time.
“Well! That’s going well, I reckon.” Edgeworth said, clapping just once.
“Y-Yeah… But… How long are we gonna be here? I mean… What if Maya gets worried?! What if she thinks I’m dead? What if… What if she starts fucking Apollo?! It could be happening this second?! Oh god, what if she’s getting spitroasted by Apollo and Diego!? No… No! I can’t imagine! The horror! Oh GOD!” Edgeworth smacked him across the face.
“WRIGHT!” Phoenix cowered back a little. “This is why we can’t leave without the goddamn Prozac!” Edgeworth gritted through his teeth. “You must get better! You can’t live like this, man! And… God damn, if you’re so worried, just text Ms. Fey!”
“Oh. Right. Yeah. Haha.” Phoenix rubbed the back of his head, whipping out his phone. “I forgot about that part. Haha. You know… Phones…”
“Yes, yes… Anyways, it should be some time. So now we wait! How’s about we play some tic-tac-toe in the meantime, hoo! Oho! I love tic-tac-toe!” Edgeworth said, rubbing his hands
together in excitement.
The duo played tic-tac-toe on some important-looking manilla folders full of even more important-looking documents. Edgeworth, being a master of tic-tac-toe who always picks X’s, won 32 times, and Phoenix only won once on a fluke. (Edgeworth kicked the wall when that happened. He was a sore loser) Phoenix was, effectively, the Glass Joe of tic-tac-toe (Rhyme), and this did nothing for his self-esteem. But he stayed vigilant. After some time, Dr. Shrink, M.D. and Dr. Shrank, M.D., who looked like a female version of Dr. Shrink, M.D., walked in with some clipboards of paper. Edgeworth, noticing that he defiled an ever-important folder, quickly threw it behind him.
“Uh! We weren’t playing tic-tac-toe on important documents or anything of the such! Ha ha. No. Not at all.” Edgeworth nervously chuckled.
“Riiight…” Dr. Shrink, M.D. began. “Well, I’ve discussed it over with my colleague, er- Introduce yourself, please.”
“Hello! My name is Dr. Shrank, M.D. We’re not related!” She said, tapping her pen on the clipboard.
“Er… We weren’t going to ask that, or even thought it, but-”
Dr. Shrank, M.D. held up a finger and began to yell. “Everyone thinks it! Just because we look so similar. Y’know, we’re fuckbuddies so people give us weird looks whenever they see us! And the similar names… And all that. You know, when I call him Sugar Bear, and he calls me Tummy-Wummy, and he gives me a little slap on the tuchus when he walks by… I mean, a lot of these people think we’re siblings! This shit isn’t Alabama! I-” Edgeworth cleared his throat. Him and Phoenix looked at eachother, very concerned that this was the woman assigned to manage Phoenix’s mental health.
“Um… What is the verdict, so to say, on the prescription? You know, the Prozac?” Edgeworth asked.
“Oh! You’re totally fine to have some, Mr. Wright! I read all of your documents, and god damn, I’ve never seen such a horrible case before. You sir, are really mentally fucked up! I mean… Shit! Like, no wonder Mr… Eegwurtz…” Dr. Shrank, M.D. struggled to pronounce his name over Dr. Shrink, M.D.’s shit handwriting.
“It’s Edgeworth…”
“Yeah yeah, Hodgepodge, anyways, I understand why you wanted the Prozac for this man so badly. So, what we’re going to do is start you on a small dose of 10mg to be taken per day, and you just keep coming to us and we’ll take it from there. Are we all set with that?”
“Yes! YES!” Phoenix jumped up and down, getting a lot of his vigor and youth back with hearing this. “Thank you so much Dr. Shrink, M.D. and Dr. Shrank, M.D.! Hopefully this will help with my horrible mental issues! Finally… Finally! A light at the end of the tunnel! Maybe even… Maybe even…”
“The Turnabout… For the better.” Edgeworth said, crossing his arms, looking smug.
And with that, Phoenix was handed the sheet of the prescription, and he linked arms with his best bro, Miles Edgeworth, and left the office. As they closed the door behind them, Dr. Shrink, M.D. gave a look of sexy lustful longing towards Dr. Shrank, M.D. She looked back, slowly unbuttoning her white coat, as the two proceeded to have primal, ball-slapping sex, right there, in that very room, like they always did. And never got caught. Though… One thing was different this time. Dr. Shrink, M.D. noticed the folder behind a chair… That folder… Defiled with tic-tac-toe… As he was doin’ it in the butt with Dr. Shrank, M.D., he shook his fist, veins popping up on his forehead with anger and hate… But quickly, he went back to pure, unadulterated lust, making love to his colleague into the night ahead.
April 14th, 5:00 P.M.
CVS Pharmacy
The Drug Section
Phoenix and Edgeworth were standing in the CVS Pharmacy, waiting to drop off the slip to his prescription. It said “URGENT: GIVE SAME DAY” so Phoenix knew that Prozac was mere steps away. This was a big deal around here. The line, however, was a little long at this moment. It went, and went, and went some more… As they continued to slowly go through the line, many shenanigans happened, most of which not worth talking about- after all, us writers don’t have all day you know. We have lives too! But one such shenanigan worth explaining did ensue.
A woman walked into the CVS, hips-swaying, with a stank of the country like you wouldn’t believe. Her big, red afro was bobbing up and down as she walked, but not just walked, stomped. “Y’ALL!” she screamed. “WHERE THE PUSSY PRODUCTS AT?!” It was none other than… Lotta Hart?!
“Oh god…” Phoenix said under his breath.
“Oh god…” Edgeworth said under his breath. They both experienced a lotta traumatic Lotta flashbacks, reigniting fear, sadness, and even a little bit of regret.
“U-Um… Right over there, ma’am. If you mean feminine hygiene, it’s in aisle 6…” One of the ladies at the desk said, pointing over there.
“Well HOO-WEE! That’s a relief! I’ve got a bleeder like a stuck pig right now! I’m almost outta them there blood-stoppin’ doohickeys for my puss! Boutta go lasso me some bungs! YEEHAW!” She stomped off, promptly grabbing the Super-Size Ultra XD “Blood-B-Gon” tampons.
“Ah… Women!” Edgeworth laughed. “Can’t live with ‘em! Can’t live without ‘em! Speaking of women, I wonder how my booty call is doing…”
“You’ve got a booty call?” Phoenix asked.
“Ha! You think I wouldn’t? I have at least three! But my absolute favorite… Oh yes, Miss Rhoda Teneiro. Ahh. I think I’ll give her a little ring tonight. Wright, go have some good sex tonight yourself, with Miss Fey, if you can. You deserve it after all your plight!” Edgeworth said, smacking Phoenix on the ass. “Rawr!”
“I’ll, uh… Try. Thanks man.” Phoenix smiled. Edgeworth then remembered something very important he forgot to mention earlier at the deli.
“Oh! By the way, Wright, I am planning a wedding for the upcoming future. Since this chapter is your arc, I will fill in the details at a later date, I’ll call you about it.”
Phoenix nodded and with that, they were next! They walked up to the counter, and Phoenix knew this was his moment. He pulled the prescription slip out of his pocket, and a wave of energy went around him.
“Welcome to CVS, how may I-” Phoenix quickly interrupted the lady at the counter with vigor.
“TAKE THAT!” Phoenix yelled, slamming down the prescription slip as if he were presenting evidence in court. Edgeworth was impressed by this ‘TAKE THAT’, it was one of his strongest in a while.
“Oh! Uh, sure, sir… I see this is urgent that you get this Prozac today, so, if the doctor ordered it, well… I’ll have it right there for you in a jiffy. Just um, fill out this form so you can keep getting them from us, and so we can call you when it’s r-”
“Great! I’m on it!” he interrupted once more, so excited to get his Prozac. Determination filling his face, he began to write out the info. As he did this, none other than… Diego Armando showed up at the other counter! “Diego!”
“Wright! Fancy seeing you here… What’re you in for today?”
“O-Oh! Uh…” Phoenix realized he was a bit shy admitting he was about to be taking meds in front of one of his colleagues, especially one he had been having nightmares about due to his incredible sexiness. Phoenix began noticing Diego’s clavicle, which was showing due to his unbuttoned collar. It was so hot. Phoenix wasn’t even gay, but a good clavicle turned him on, like any cultured individual. It was second to only glasses as the hottest thing ever (Personal opinion. Not even opinion. Fact). “U-Uh…”
“Spit it out, Wright.” Diego interrogated Phoenix. “I mean…” The lady at the counter handed him a massive sack full of pill bottles. “Look at this shit. I’ve gotta take just about every drug in the book in order to even function after that horrible poisoning your whore ex girlfriend did to me!” Hearing this made the ladies at the counter very uncomfortable. “Ah, thanks sweetheart. Anyways… You can tell me! I don’t judge. I’ve got so many pills they have a whole filing cabinet dedicated to just me! Ha…! Luckily my insurance covers all of it! I get super Medicaid because I’m blind and hanging onto life by a thread! Ha..! Ha..! Ha..! So anyways. What’cha takin’? Tell me. Now. Tell me. I love talking about pills.” This eased Phoenix’s anxiety a little, so he relented.
“Prozac…” He sighed.
“Nice!” Diego gave a thumbs-up. “Well! I’m heading back to the crib. Kitten and I have to organize all these bad boys in those old people pill sorters! It’s our monthly tradition. As of… This year. In fact, this month. This is the first time we’re doing that. Anyways… Ciao. Adios. Bye… In Puerto Rican!” Diego gave them the finger guns, and disappeared in a flash, like a shadow in the night.
And with that, the lady brought Phoenix his Prozac. He slowly grabbed the bag, opening it up to look inside. A light shone out, radiant, like when Jesus came back after three days in that one funny bible story. “Wh-whoa… This is it… I’ve done it! I’ve obtained Prozac!” Phoenix held up the bottle, and it floated in the air, rotating, like an item obtaination in The Legend of Zelda franchise.
“Ahh, yes. Hopefully this shit works. Now, let’s head home and listen to some tunes! Get back to your family now, and give them back the time you lost in your plight. After all, I’ve got my booty call to get to! Ha ha… Yes.”
“Yeah.” Phoenix nodded. And with that… They were off.
April 14th, 6:00 P.M.
The Wright Household
“Honey, I’m ho-ome!” Phoenix took off his hoodie and hat, throwing them on the coat hanger. Maya walked out from the kitchen with an adorable purple apron on.
“Aw, hi Nick! You’re back!” she smiled, arms open wide. The two came in for a hug, and embraced.
“What’cha up to, babe?” Phoenix asked.
“Oh… Just helping Pearl make some dinner, since she’s legally classified as a dwarf and can’t reach shit up here! We’re making her classic magatama-shaped omelettes! This time with some curry!”
“YESSSS!!” Phoenix fist-pumped. “I was worried for a second! You can’t cook for shit, so that adorable purple apron struck fear into my anxiety-ridden heart!”
“Nah, I can’t cook! I can just heat up ramen.”
“Well… Not even that. I dunno how you somehow make it both mushy and crunchy at the same time. It’s just ramen!”
“Aw, shut up, Nick the Dick!” Maya playfully giggled, punching him in the shoulder. She could tell he seemed to be in better spirits. “Well, I’ve gotta go help our little local midget reach things. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Are we at the office tomorrow, by the way?”
“Yeah.” Phoenix nodded. “It’ll be Mia’s first day back, so we’ll have to show her around and everything. But… For now, let’s just focus on some good eatin’! I’m gonna go say hi to my daughter, Trucy, now. And Apollo, who I guess just lives with us now. I guess he sold that apartment or something, and decided to move in without telling us until… Oh, I dunno, 15 minutes ago in a text message, but eh, what can ya do?!” Phoenix shrugged. “It’s cool.”
“Alright, honey! You do that!” Maya kissed him on the cheek. “I’m glad you seem better.”
“Yeah…” Phoenix looked down at the bag in his hand. “I’m making a turnabout… In life.” He laughed into the night, as brighter times finally seemed as if they were on the horizon.
Chapter 41: Return To The Office (Mia Edition)
Summary:
Mia Fey has returned to the Wright Anything Agency. Much as Maya made her way back in those fateful weeks prior, Mia's return brings a new era of life to the office. In her first few hours, a certain case file is uncovered- One that could potentially hold deadly secrets, and the truth behind everything thus far...
Chapter Text
April 15th, 10:30 A.M.
Wright Anything Agency
The Lobby
“Wow! This place is a fucking mess!” Mia exclaimed, arms folded over her rotund bosom. Despite this scathing comment, a smile reached its way to the ends of her face, as she was finally back at her old office. It had been 14 years after all, and the memories began flooding back.
“Yeaaah… Sorry about that.” Phoenix awkwardly smiled. “I know there’s a lot of magic stuff and mystical baubles and doodads, but… We’re a joint effort now. After all, my daughter’s doing magic…I’m still doing Law… Diego’s here too… Maya’s doing spirit channeling now… I think…”
“Well, we kinda forgot about that plot point that was established in Chapter 3 or 5… One of them. But still! You’d think we’d get some business about that by now… Especially with, you know, Phoenix Wright, attorney at law, being associated with the dead, and ghosts, and ghouls… Hmm. Maybe we need to market it better…” Maya pondered, pacing back and forth. Phoenix sighed heavily to himself. He did not enjoy being associated with the occult.
“Eh… Maybe we’ll hire an intern or something. Aaaanyways… How does it feel being back, Mia?” Phoenix asked.
Mia said nothing, but began to slowly walk around the lobby. Staring at the walls, the furniture, the newly-attached television and couches. Taking it all in… The old, and the new. She then proceeded to walk into the other room- The Boss’s Office, filled with even more mystical and magical items, but noticed something- all her old files were still there. Collecting dust. It brought a tear to her eye, of happiness, and sadness, and eye irritation (Well, from the dust of course).. And then she looked over at that window. The window… Of fate. The very window where she got clocked (GET IT) in the head.
“Hey, I died there!” Mia pointed out with an uncharacteristic enthusiasm. Diego, who was also here, laughed.
“Ha…! I didn’t even know that, since I was in a coma!”
“Oh you!” Mia looked at him. They began to kiss. Phoenix and Maya looked very uncomfortable about this entire situation. “What?!” Mia looked over to them. “I’m allowed to make fun of my own death! I am alive again, after all!”
“N-No, it wasn’t that… It… Ugh, never mind…” Phoenix sighed.
“He means stop kissing! God, you always did that when I was young! I hated it! Gross smoochy smoochy lovebirds…!” Maya whined.
“Oh well! Hate it more, honey!” Mia pointed sassily, and resumed passionately kissing Diego. However, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed something… No… Someone. She pushed her loving boy-toy out of the way, and slowly walked out the door back to the lobby. “Is… Is it? Could it be…? Is it…? O-Our son…?”
There he was. Charley. In the (plant) flesh. Sitting in the sun. After all these years, his green leaves, so green… So verdant… So vibrant. Mia stepped over to it, as tears began to fill her eyes. They poured down her cheeks like a river. Like when a character in Attack on Titan (also known as Shingeki no Kyojin) cries. I mean, have you seen their tears? Those bitches are like rivers. It’s abnormal. They always cry so much! And much like that show, and/or manga, Mia did.
“Charley… Charley!!! You’re still here!” She cried, hugging the plant. “My son!!! Oh, I missed you oh-so much!”
“Ha…! I did that in Chapter 13! Callback!” Diego laughed, sipping his trusty thermos. He began patting Mia on the back as she continued to cry tears of joy. This was the closest thing the two had to a child, and probably ever will have to a child, considering the poisons have made Diego infertile. Is that true? We dunno, let’s say it is for plot reasons. The man’s going on like, 45 at this point anyways. Don’t have kids that late, lest you risk having another Christian Weston Chandler incident. We’re just throwing out all the references for this one!
Anyways, something was up in the office while this interaction was going on. “(UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISE)!” they heard an (UNINTELLIGIBLE VOICE) echoing from the fridge room. Everyone turned their heads back.
“The ‘fuck was that?” Mia bluntly asked.
“Did… Someone get here before us?” Phoenix asked.
“Yeah, Pearly and Apollo went here early I think! Maybe Trucy too. I didn’t find her anywhere in the house this morning…” Maya stated.
“Huh… So the youngun’s must be causing a ruckus back there. Want me to get the bat?” Diego asked.
“Jesus, no! You don’t need to go that far.” Mia elbowed him.
“Ha…! I’m just pulling your cock!” Diego chuckled, as the group began to creep towards the fridge room.
"Time for Poptarts!" Apollo cheered. The room with a single fridge had finally been upgraded - A toaster and Keurig. Fancy. Trucy and Pearl were in there as well, Trucy leaning on the counter taking a swig of some hot brew. The toaster dinged and Apollo's strawberry Poptarts sprung up. They were put in horizontally. "Oh, I hate this part," Apollo griped. He then stuck his fingers into the still burning hot toaster’s slots, attempting to fish out his beloved snack. "AHHHHH! FUCK!" he screamed as his took the Poptarts out and put them on a plate. He teared up and began sucking on his fingers. Trucy and Pearl had a look of shock and concern. Pearl was now crying at seeing her new cute and hot and cool and sexy boyfriend in pain.
"Apollo... Y'know you're supposed to put those in vertically, right?" Trucy stated.
With tears in his eyes he looked towards his possible half-sister but mostly friend, "Wha?"
Trucy nodded, "Yeah... They've always been advertised like that. So it's easier to grab and you don't... burn your fingers," she stated. Apollo's eyes lit up like a lightbulb. The little squirrel on a treadmill in his brain began to finally run,
"Oh! That makes so much sense!" Everyone began laughing at Apollo.
“Ah! So the ruckus was you little rascals!” Phoenix did a dad-like laugh. He became more dad-like by the hour. Apollo was still sucking on his own fingies.
“Yup… I got dragged with ‘em. The lovebirds wanted me to unlock the office so they could watch Fat Albert and eat poptarts…” Trucy rolled her eyes.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa… Whoa… Whoa. Whoa. Back up.” Phoenix said. “Lovebirds…?”
"Oh!! Well, guys!! Guess what?!" Pearl yelled, realizing it was finally the time to tell them.
"Hmm?" Mia, Phoenix, Maya, and possibly Diego all ‘hmm’d’ in unison.
"Well... Hehehe." Pearl's face turned red, as she grabbed Mia's hand, as she was the closest, with her own two hands. "Uh… Apollo and I are dating!! We're a big happy couple now!! Isn't that GREAT?!" Pearl told them all, sparkles in her eyes. Mia however, had a flush of concern enter her system, and though, admittedly, seeing Pearl happy meant the world to her, something was bothering her nonetheless.
"That... Yes! That's great..." Mia said. "I'm so happy for you, Pearl! But... If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom real quick. Y-yeah, the bathroom." Mia fake-laughed, and walked out of the door. Pearl merely just squee'd for an indefinite period of time. As Mia made her way and shut the bathroom door, it seemed as if the fires of hell itself entered her soul. She seethed in there for a few minutes. Her eyes became red as she stomped through, exiting the bathroom and into the office, looking for Apollo. And, as soon as she reached the area near the TV, there she saw him: Apollo Justice himself, watching the latest rerun of Fat Albert as he was eating his poptart. Him and Trucy made their way there in that time.
"Haha, I love when he goes 'Hey Hey Hey!' It's so funny! Right Trucy?!" Trucy merely ignored this and was on her phone, reading about Tupac on Wikipedia, as she did frequently to feel closer to the late hip hop artist.
"Ahem." Mia said, tapping her foot behind Apollo, who looked back and saw her silhouette behind him, her entire being shrouded in shadows, and the only thing to be seen were her blood-red eyes. "Can I talk with you for a second?"
"Oh, sure! What is it?"
"Follow me, please..." Mia said, as Apollo got up and joined her outside the entryway to the Agency. Out there, in the hall, Mia pointed her finger at Apollo. "YOU...!" she said, in a voice more terrifying than even the thought of no more reruns of Fat Albert. Apollo shook in his boots.
"U-um... Did I do something to make you mad, Miss Fey?" Apollo stuttered.
"Pearl said you two are a couple now. Is this true...?"
"Yeah! Pearl came up to me the other night at the springs and said she really really liked me! I like her too!"
"Well... Hehehe..." Mia said, looking more evil and scary than ever before. She grabbed Apollo's collar and pulled him up to her. "I swear to god..."
"Y-yeah?" Apollo said, his hair strands being weighed down by sweat (and fear).
"If you do ANYTHING to her, it won't be pretty. And I swear..." Mia began. At this point, Apollo was trembling. "I swear... If. You. Cum. In. Her... Ohoho, little man. I'll have your head on a silver platter. You'll be wishing you stayed in Khura'in, that's for sure. You'll be dead meat. Got it?!” Mia emphasized each word, as her horrifying expression and pointed claws slowly got closer to Apollo with each passing word. She was merely inches away from Apollo, the poor man, being intimidated so much by his mentor's mentor. His grandmentor, if you will. He had wondered if Mia had done the same to Phoenix, as he knew that Phoenix did like to hug Maya a lot. Had she instilled this same fear into him too? It was truly terrifying - he wished this on no other man.
"Y-yes!! Yes I got it!!" Apollo said, nearly crying at the fear Mia instilled in him.
"You better...!" Mia said. Somehow instantly, she reverted to her usual, calm, friendly state. "Well, you two play nice now! Make her happy! Nothing's better than a happy Pearl! See you later!" Mia said, waving, walking back into the office.
“So, uh… What was that about?” Phoenix asked. Mia smiled brightly.
“Oh! Nothing. Just letting Apollo know if he did anything to Pearl… Hehe… His fate would not be pretty.” Apollo walked into the office, his face whiter than the snows of Alaska, poptart more lukewarm than ever (he held it the entire time, like a baby). He was still practically shaking in his boots! He made his way back to the couch, not as excited for Fat Albert- still a little bit because it was the gang war episode where an innocent kid gets shot and killed- which yes, is one of his favorite episodes. And yes, it is real, dear readers. They even hold a vigil at the end! Phoenix knew though, that whatever Mia did out there, it struck fear into the normally ironclad heart of Apollo Justice.
“Well! Anyways.” Mia said, clapping her hands together just once. “Since I’m finally back and all, how’s about we go look through some files? Organize, maybe? After all… I saw that inch-thick layer of dust on some of those… We should clean right up! Put them in storage maybe!” Mia snapped her finger. Phoenix sighed internally. He really didn’t want to even look at those things. After all, he put going through them off for about 14 years now.
“Ha…! Better now than never, I always say!” Diego snickered.
“Um… Did you ever say that?” Maya questioned. Diego never answered her.
As Mia was making her way into the Boss’s Office, where all the files were, Phoenix took a deep breath, popped his daily Prozac, and begrudgingly trudged after her.
April 15th, 11:12 A.M
Wright Anything Agency
The Boss’s Office
“So… Does that make me the boss again of this place, since I’m now alive, or…” Mia was muttering to herself as she sat cross-legged on the floor, sifting through the now dust-free files.
“I mean, if you want to…” Phoenix suggested, hoping he could finally be a mere peon once more in the dynasty of this office.
“Oh, god, no. No… You’re the bossman now, bossman. I don’t ever want to do that shit again! All that responsibility on you, buddy.” Mia laughed. Phoenix wanted to smash his head in the wall hearing this. The stress of being boss, while having good money, was a lot for a man. It took years off of his life expectancy. They continued sorting through these files for HOURS. Hours and hours it went, Mia looking through each and every one, seeing if they were relevant to anything or worth keeping on the shelves.
“Ooh… DL-6? Damn, you still have these?” Mia chuckled, reading through them.
“Yeah… I remember those days. Man, that was a shitty Christmas!” Phoenix laughed.
“I liked the part with the parrot!” Maya chimed in, not really having much to contribute.
“Yeah, but what about when we got powercrept by interviewing an orca?” Phoenix reminisced. “Well, you weren’t there for that one. Pearl was. But it was fun! The Dual Destinies metagame was interesting, to say the least… Too bad the writers forgot about you guys. I was stuck with Apollo and that bitch I used to mentor! Oh, she stunk even worse than the swordfish Busta Rhymes had over his shoulder! Hahaha!” Everyone made an uproar into laughter.
Mia’s eyes widened at seeing another file. “Ooh, the case file when Terry Fawles died! I remember that one! Ahh… One of my first cases. It was so traumatic. Or… Or… Ooh! What about this one?! Turnabout Nut at The Museum!”
“Ha…! I remember helping you out with that one! Back when we were just three wacky lawyers… Ah. Those days. Remember when Grossberg caught us fucking on his mahogany desk? That one was funny! Ha…! Surprised we didn’t get fired!” Diego began laughing and chugging on coffee. Mia turned red and didn’t respond. Phoenix and Maya gave each other a look of awkwardness. However, despite how weird it sounded, they both mutually recognized this was something they did a week ago.
“Haha… Well… Yeah.” Phoenix tried breaking the silence. “Uhh… L-let’s look at this one now, shall we?” Phoenix said, pointing to a random file, under “M.”
“Hmm… What was this one?” Mia got up, pulling it off the shelf. She began flipping through it, and instantly recognized it. “Oh, fuck,” she muttered to herself. Phoenix’s eyes widened at hearing this.
“What is it? Big deal?”
“Yeah… A really big deal. Mind if I tell you about this one? It’s… Something I never told anyone, even you, Diego…Well. Not like I could, but anyways. It happened right around the time I hired you, actually… But it was something that could have evolved into an international case, provided I didn’t die right beforehand.”
“Well, uh… Tell us!” Phoenix said with some urgency.
“Yeah… This sounds like a big fuckin’ deal!” Diego remarked, leaning closer.
“I’m here too!” Maya announced. “And I'm interested. Spill the beans, sis.”
Mia took a deep breath, flipping through each of the files in the manilla folder. “Well… It started in 2015. I took a case where someone, I believe her name was Innie Cent, she was being falsely accused of a murder that took place. Yeah… It was a murder of some clown dude who worked in the Berry Big Circus. His name? Funn E. Mann. The police found his body in the river, and Innie, his girlfriend, was being accused of the one who killed him. Long story short, I got the ‘Not Guilty’ verdict, but there was way more to the case after the fact. It still felt… Left unsolved. I tried asking the investigators, but they never got back to me. I put it on the backburner, because I was more concerned about my mother’s case, but that’s when Agent Shi Long Lang of Interpol called me. He said that the case was garnering interest from the police because of the suspicion of something. There was allegedly someone involved from Japan there. Or something like that. Eventually, doing a bit of research in my free time, it seemed like nobody involved in the circus was culpable.”
“Huh… So this murder’s still unsolved, huh?” Diego asked.
“Effectively, yes. They never found the perp. Innie Cent was innocent via an airtight alibi, but the interesting thing was… The murder that took place was exactly like one that took place in a Japanese-U.S. laboratory many years prior. The stab wounds, the bodies in the river… All the same. That too, was unsolved. And... The more I researched it, I found out many murders after it followed the same pattern, sporadically popping up throughout the years until the Innie Cent case. There were also weird, suspicious hairs and fibers that nobody could really pinpoint. The forensics teams could never make a DNA profile out of who it was. A male? A white guy? Japanese? Nobody knows, they couldn’t get anything using their testing equipment. At least… Whoever did it wasn’t in the system. So of course, with the murder being so similar to the ones that happened in Japan at that government lab… Well, it was bound to make Interpol suspicious. A serial killer? Someone of the like? Hell, even a ghost? But again, with no conclusive evidence, the plethora of files on these murders just collected dust for the past 36 years, the killer slowly but surely being known as "The Phantom of The Lab." It's just... How could they not be linked, when they all run on the same circumstances? Agent Lang, noticing I worked on the case, called me and wanted to finally create a case out of it, but… I died shortly after.”
“That’s a weird case… Wait. U.S.-Japan Lab?” Phoenix asked.
“Yeah.” Mia nodded.
“Shit… I wonder… Could it be related to the Payne case?”
“Wait, how?”
“U.S.-Japan laboratory… Explosion right after… It matches the logs from the Doctor guy. Could whoever did it be the one who caused that explosion? What if they were involved with the Paynes?” Phoenix asked, stroking his chin.
“Huh… So you’re saying there might be a lead after all these years. You think the Paynes are the ones who did it?” Diego asked.
Mia responded; “I… Hard to say. We’d need to look more at their past activities over the years. But, I think this might be… Ooh. This might be the lead that we’ve been waiting for. Maybe someone involved with the Paynes, whoever it is, is the perpetrator… I wonder… I always wanted to investigate this further, especially the more I talked to Lang about it…” Mia rose. “I think I should look into this one. I might call Lang in some time, but I think more research is warranted. Maybe I’ll finally be able to crack this case. After all, I always wanted to. I was even going to get you working on it, Phoenix. And now we might have something. But the fact that the Paynes came from that very same lab, presumably… That’s the suspicious part about all of this. I should probably call Agent Lang about this… At some point, at least. Yeah… I think I will. Keep this file on hand, Phoenix… Maybe we can finally solve the mystery after all these years…”
“Got it.” Phoenix nodded, taking the folder and tucking it underneath his arm.
“Well then! That’s good. We should get back on track organizing things. There’s still a lot more work to do after all. Oh, am I hired again? Like, am I on the clock?” Mia asked.
Phoenix tapped a pen on his desk, looking at financial documents loosely scattered abound. “Uhhh… Well, sure, uh… I guess we did get a fat check from the Payne case, so that’s probably enough to pay one more employee.”
“Phoenix, I know you have so much money. I’m gonna need some after fourteen years of not being able to save any.” Mia snarked.
“Wh-what?! No! I don’t have money!” Phoenix shrugged. “Just enough to pay the bills! Listen, a lot of my money goes to paying for Trucy’s weird-ass gizmos. After all, she’s the only consistent income our office gets anymore! We don’t take many cases…”
“Well… Shit, you really need to market this place better.” Mia responded. “Ugh… Looks like there’s lots of work to be done around here…” She shrugged, with a slight smile on her face.
“Ha…! Well then. I say you should work here again. With me! I’m hired, did you know that? Haven’t done any lawyer work, but I am an employee! Eh, I’ll be doing some soon I’m sure. But yeah, Wright… Work on your advertising, man.” Diego said, taking a hearty swig.
“Yeah! Come on, Nick! I haven’t done a single channeling yet! We have to put in SOME money on that!” Maya pouted. “Think about the fat stacks we could make with all of our talents, huh?!” Everyone, except Maya knew that spirit channeling would not make much money, but they humored her anyways.
“Well… I guess I’ll leave you guys to that then.” Phoenix sighed, caving in on the peer pressure from these three to finally invest in a bit of advertising for this agency. It could help. The location is awful! “Mia. Looks like you’re officially part of the office again. So… Can I trust you to help get this place a bit more under control?”
“Of course you can, Phoenix.” Mia smiled.
“Yay! My sis and I are coworkers! This is gonna be… SO. FUN.” Maya gutturally screeched.
“Ha…! Me and my kitten are coworkers! This is gonna be… So. Fun.” Diego said, but not gutturally.
“Yeah… Well then. Here’s to a new era, huh guys?” Phoenix smiled. Everyone cheered, as the future of the Wright Anything Agency seemed bright, now that someone with basic organizational skills was finally going to be here.
“Alright then… Let’s get back to work.” Mia said, snapping her fingers. Despite the newly-imposed chores, it truly felt joyous that she was back in the office after all these years. But what of the case that she brought up? What of the mysteries that lied ahead? Only time could tell… But for now, more pressing matters awaited our heroes. It’s not time for that plotline yet. So be patient, dear readers!
Chapter 42: Wedding Shopping! Part 1: The Dress
Summary:
The wedding planning continues, and while Edgeworth struggles with obtaining supplies, seeking help where he can, Maggey Byrde sets off with the girls to shop for one of the most important parts of ANY wedding: The dress.
Chapter Text
April 29th, 12:00 P.M.
Edgeworth’s Estate
The Planning Room
“No, no, no! That’s all wrong! They want pastel blue and yellow, not navy blue and beige! That’ll throw off the entire color coordination of this wedding! Agh! Enough with you!” Edgeworth angrily hung up on his wedding suppliers.
“What’s wrong, Pal?” Gumshoe asked with concern. The wedding was coming up quick, and tensions were higher than ever. Around two weeks remained - Some things were already set, such as the venue, catering, guest list, and so on, but due to issues in the supply chain, it seemed as if Edgeworth had to use his recently-attained cronies to fulfill the decor department.
Edgeworth crossed his arms, tapping his foot. “Ah, well… Listen, to be blunt… At least they got the fifty Blue Badger cutouts you wanted, but… The rest? We’re honestly fucked. I mean, my connections are somehow getting all of our requests wrong! Or just unable to fulfill them! I mean, come on! If I can order many different red-colored Alfa Romeo GTV’s custom from Italy… How can I, the Great Miles Edgeworth not procure pastel blue and yellow decorations!? I mean… Damn. It’s ludicrous! And not the rapper! I know one of us has made that joke already, but it bears repeating in a situation such as this!”
“Oh no!” Maggey whimpered, beginning to chew on her nails. Due to her bad luck, she accidentally chewed too hard and tore off more than she intended. Ouch. “Oh… This is supposed to be the best day of my life! I don’t want my luck to ruin this day…” Gumshoe comforted her by patting her on the back.
“Now, now… Listen up. Today’s the day you and the girls are all gonna get the dresses! It’ll be exciting! Try not to think about it, huh? Let me and Mr. Edgeworth, us big, beefly, burly men handle it! And those two rock-’n’-roll stars too!” Hearing this, a lightbulb went on in Edgeworth’s head.
“Eureka!” he held his one finger up. “Schwing! I got it!!” he held the other up. Gumshoe and Maggey rapidly turned their heads in Edgeworth’s direction.
“What is it?” Gumshoe questioned.
“Yeah! Tell us!” Maggey desperately demanded.
Edgeworth started scribbling a plan on the whiteboard, starting to speak; “I’ll have those two go shopping for the supplies! I’m sure Mr. Gavin, with his experience and prestige in being a rockstar, perhaps formerly one, I’m not quite sure of the status of his rockstar-ness… Well, anyway. Mr. Gavin and his… Friend, possibly lover? Well, anyway, They can go buy whatever supplies they can muster. We may have to frankenstein this wedding together, but with their hunting I’m sure we can still piece together the most impeccable and astounding Blue Badger themed wedding that the world has ever seen! Or possibly seen ever, since I’m not sure anyone else is interested in a Blue Badger wedding… Well, anyway, I digress. I shall call them, and then continue to call my suppliers and the like… And that just leaves you, Ms. Byrde soon-to-be Gumshoe. You and ‘The Girls’ just need to go shopping for dresses. Remember to fit the aesthetic of the wedding, lest I have to take the dress, tear into pieces, stomp on it, throw it in the furnace, fish out the ashes, and then toss them into the wind. Got it?” Edgeworth smirked, forcibly setting down the whiteboard marker.
“Yeah! I got it! I’ll get ready right now! Oh boy… Dress time!” Maggey jumped up out of her chair, sprinting to her room to find her purse. She fell down in the hallway at least twice, but the loud thuds in the Edgeworth Estate had become something of a regular occurrence, so nobody went to help her.
Gumshoe smiled, things finally looking bright once more. “Well, Pal! Now we just need to get in contact with those two-”
“You called?” Suddenly, Klavier and Daryan appeared out of nowhere from behind a wall. Presumably, they entered through the door, but nobody saw this so it remains unconfirmed to this day.
“Wow! Perfect timing, boys!” Edgeworth gave a thumbs up. “We were just talking about you two. I’ve got a job for you.” Klavier lifted up his sunglasses that he was wearing indoors. Daryan just stood behind him, arms crossed.
“What is it, Herr Bossman?” Klavier winked.
“Alright… Listen closely.” Edgeworth grabbed a second whiteboard, and opened up the Expo Marker he was carrying.
“Whoa, before you start that…'' Daryan interrupted, holding his hand up.
“Yes?” Edgeworth furled his brow.
“What kind of, uh… Marker is that?” Daryan asked.
“Um…” Edgeworth looked at the marker. “Um… Well, um. Right there in front of you, isn’t it? It’s an Expo marker.”
“EXPO-SE DEEZ NUTS!” Daryan bellowed, cackling maniacally. “GOTTEM! OOOOOH! LET’S FUCKING GOOOO!!!” Nobody laughed. Edgeworth simply turned around back to the whiteboard.
“Right… Anyway.” Edgeworth got back to the presentation at hand, explaining in detail to the boys what type of products that they needed to find. Brand, color, material, it was all there. He went on for about fifteen minutes, telling them everything they needed to know. Klavier, who cared about getting a wicked potential bonus, was furiously typing notes into his Notes app on whatever the latest iPhone model is in 2030. Daryan had a much slower Samsung J-Pulverizer 5000, with a less efficient Notes app. But he was too cool for notes anyways, so he just relied on his memory alone.
Klavier was tick-tack-typing away. “Mhm…Mhm… Yep… Yeah… Got it. Okay. Pastel Blue #9ACCF2, give or take… And then Pastel Yellow #F2F09A… Streamers, balloons… tablecloths, so on… Got it.” he muttered, doublechecking his notes. “Alright, we got it. Looks like we might have to go rent a U-Haul or something, since I doubt the Rad Rad can hold so much shit, but we’ll make it work. Maybe old Stan the Van Man, our old van rental dude can get us something. Who’s to say? But the point… Herr Edgeworth, we got this, ja?”
“Are you sure? I’m putting a lot of faith in you, so don’t disappoint me.” Edgeworth pointed at them like a stern father.
“Oh, ja. Ja. We’ll be fine. Fine as frog hair.” Klavier snapped. Edgeworth had never heard the phrase ‘fine as frog hair’ before, so he just assumed it was some weird German shit Klavier heard somewhere. Not in Germany, since he knew he’d never been there.
Daryan put his arms on his hips and did a mighty nod. “Yeah, bro! Don’t worry about it. We’ll make sure your goods are as exact as the location on my ankle bracelet! Which I’m still wearing! Heh. Sure as cat cum!” He snapped, akin to Klavier. Edgeworth had never heard the phrase ‘sure as cat cum’ before, so he just assumed it was some weird shit Daryan was saying out of his ass. It was. That guy was weird.
Edgeworth narrowed his eyes at the two. “Oh… Just go. Get out of my sight.” he waved them off, going back to furious whiteboard planning. Klavier and Daryan hi-fived, and walked out with style, beginning their grand odyssey for wedding supplies.
Just as one journey began, so too did the journey of one Maggey Byrde. She scuttled into the planning room, purse and coat equipped. Despite providing no active stat boosts, it protected her against the elements. But her low luck stat still meant the weather could indeed become a life-threatening risk to her. “Guys! GUYS!!! They’re here! All the girls! In some… Some Subaru Outback!” Just then, Diego’s Subaru Outback pulled up, seen outside the window. But… It wasn’t Diego driving it this time. No… It was… Mia Fey!? Somehow, she was able to retain her driving skills after sixteen years of death. Mia, using the lower honk-horn button located on the lower end of the steering wheel (this is an actual feature on Subaru Outbacks for when you want to honk the horn but not be too loud). Maggey knew this was her cue.
“Go get ‘em, tiger. Or should I say… Bird? Ha ha.” Edgeworth said very bluntly.
“That’s a good one, Pal!” Gumshoe bellowed in laughter. “Well, have fun, hon!” This was a rare moment where Gumshoe didn’t refer to someone as ‘Pal.’ Make note of that, historians.
“Okay! Bye!” Maggey ran towards what she thought was a door, but was just a wall. She smacked right into it, of course, but then instantly recovered, adjusted her glasses, and walked out the door.
April 29th, 12:15 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
The Front Yard
Maggey. Outside of the Edgeworth Estate. There sat the Subaru Outback. She found herself at the door, opening it up. Inside was… Mia Fey?! Maya Fey!? Pearl Fey!? Trucy Wright?! Ema Skye?! And that’s it?!
“Whoa!” Maggey squawked. “Looks like the gang’s all here! Mia Fey, Maya Fey, Pearl Fey, Trucy Wright, and Ema Skye!” They all nodded when their respective names were called.
Mia nodded. “Yes, it is us… Mia Fey. Maya Fey. Pearl Fey. Trucy Wright. And Ema Skye.” (Rule of Threes. You should be learning this by now. In fact, from now on, we will no longer point out to you any time the Rule of Threes is employed within this story. You, dear readers, will need to use your noggins to recognize such patterns, as you should be able to by now.) “Now hop in, girlfriend! We’ve got some dress shopping to do!”
Maggey tried making her way into the Outback, but realized something: There was no more seat space! Whatever was a girl to do?!
“Oh, what am I gonna do?!” Maggey teared up. She thought her wedding dress adventure was already ruined.
“Oh! I’ll just go sit in the trunk, no Biggie. Only Tupac. Who I’ll be listening to in the trunk.” Trucy piped up. “You can sit in my spot!” Trucy then climbed back into the trunk area, like a little spider monkey. As she did this, Maggey slipped into the station wagon, readying her grand adventure that awaited her and the other girls.
“Oh boy! A wedding dress! God, I’m so excited to be a bridesmaid!” Pearl squee’d. “I only ever seem to wear acolyte gear! I’m excited to wear something else for a change!”
Maya laughed. “You’re telling me, ‘cuz. I don’t know why I only ever seem to wear acolyte gear as well! I mean… I’m like the Master at this point. Shouldn’t the Master have some, like, personal freedom? Maybe they just never programmed me to wear anything other than like… either my typical classic outfit or the Tres Bien orange maid uniform that one time in the third game…But y’know what? I looked GOOD. Shit makes my ass look big! And that? Is a plus.” Maya emphasized with a giggle. Nobody quite knew what she meant by “programming” or “the third game.” Maya seemed to have some sort of insight into the metaphysical implications of being a video game character. But nobody really knew anything of the sort. Or cared, because today was all about… Dresses.
Mia looked back and smiled. “Well guys… Let’s roll.” Everyone cheered, as Mia pressed her foot on the gas and sped off into downtown Los Angeles.
April 29th, 12:25 P.M.
Los Angeles, Japanifornia
The Roads
As the trusty Subaru Outback drove the herd of raving dress-seekers through the town, the crew of ladies all had some good old chats. They laughed, they cried, they hello’d and goodbye’d, excited for the day ahead. They even sang some gay-ass Broadway! (We DO like gay people. Believe us! We are gay!) Maggey was absolutely overjoyed. “God, thanks guys! I really appreciate it! Y’know, I got my license suspended like, last week, because I kept getting into so many fender benders and T-bones and even one hit and run! He was okay though, since he got away! Ha ha! Yeah… My luck is worse than the Fire of Alexandria! I mean damn, they lost so much knowledge and book in that one!”
Everyone laughed at Maggey’s horrid luck. It was pretty funny, because she never got seriously injured or anything. She was just a walking, talking slapstick generator.
“By the way…” Ema finally piped up and pushed her goggles up further on her forehead. “How’s… You know… Master doing?”
“Um… Master?” Maggey questioned.
Ema mwee-hee-hee’d. “Oh, um… Haha… Mr. Edgeworth, I mean. Y’know, my master, or, um, boss, I guess… But I like to think he’s my master… Fufufu…” She was practically getting wetter with each word uttered. He was just THAT hunky.
“Uh… He’s… Okay, but he’s a bit stressed out with the wedding planning and all, but he’s fine!” Maggey reassured.
Ema started writing down notes. “Good today… Still stressed. Hmm. Okay. Well, I’ve been taking some logs about his mood each day, for science, and it seems like his stress levels over this wedding have stayed consistent throughout… Yet he’s still happy! But… Stressed. I wonder if I can… Fufufu… Relieve some of Master's stress…” The other girls didn’t know what anything she was saying meant, except Mia, who abruptly cut her off.
“Um… Okay, well, let’s talk about the dresses. This is Maggey’s day after all. Though I did get a text from Mr. Edgeworth saying that the dresses needed to be this exact color scheme and all, whatever. Fuck it. We’ll figure it out when we get there. But, you know. Let’s just keep the banter light, okay Ema? At least about the E-Man. We can talk about something else, like… I dunno… Uh… Well… Shit. Oh! Look! The bridal shop! Here we are!” Mia was relieved she didn’t have to think of anything, because the sheer weirdness of Ema’s strange and very sexually-charged obsession with Edgeworth was causing her to draw a blank.
“YES! The bridal shop! Here we are!!!” Maggey clapped her hands in jubilation. She jumped out of the car in a rapid nature, falling flat on her face as she did. But she was okay, for the pure rush of being at this store removed all sense of pain from her body.
April 29th, 12:50 P.M.
Barry’s Blasphemously Bodacious Bridal Barn
The group entered Barry’s Blasphemously Bodacious Bridal Barn. It was pretty bodacious, though the lack of barn theming left Pearl and Maya particularly disappointed. “Damn… Guess that’s what you get for setting your expectations high…” Maya murmured in disappointment. But that mattered not, for Barry, who was a woman, and not a man, despite being named Barry (It was short for Barriqua!) walked up to them.
“Welcome to Barry’s Blasphemously Bodacious Bridal Barn! I’m Barriqua. Barry for short. How can I help you ladies today?” Barry asked the group. Mia leaned on the counter and whipped out her phone, looking at the specific request given to her by Edgeworth.
“Um… Yes, hi. We’re planning a wedding, and we were just in the market for some dresses. One bride, five bridesmaids. Do you, um…I know this is specific, but do you have this pastel blue, um… Hexcode #9ACCF2?” Mia asked, thinking that Edgeworth asking for a specific hexcode was fucking stupid. “And, with possible accents of a pastel yellow #F2F09A…?”
Barry put her hands on her hips and did a laugh. “Why, of course we do! We have just about every color combination known to man available for order! That’s because we have connections with all of the bigwigs in Big Bridal!” She responded enthusiastically, patting Mia’s head.
“Well, um… Okay, great!” Mia smiled, feeling a bit weird from Barry’s head pats. Why did she do such a thing? “Guess we need to get fitted then, huh?”
“Yeah! Let’s get fitted!” Maggey cheered, jumping up in the air.
Barry, before letting the ladies loose, pointed a finger. “Oh, and, while we don’t have the dresses on hand, you can of course try on any model of dress that we have, and due to our worldwide connections with the bridal dress industry, we’ll take it, make it any color you want, and get shipped to you in five days or less. That's Barry's Blasphemously Bodacious Bridal Barn guarantee!” She smiled, hands on her hips.
“YES! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO!” Maya gutturally yelled, doing a powerful pose.
April 29th, 3:00 P.M.
Barry’s Blasphemously Bodacious Bridal Barn
The Fitting Area
After two hours and ten minutes of long and arduous dress-trying, measurement taking (in part due to Mia’s very large and difficult to deal with breasts), and the such, things were finally moving ahead. Luckily, Maggey even found the perfect dress style. As the girls stood there in anticipation, they waited for her to walk out of the stall.
“Alright guys… This is the big one.” Barry announced. “I worked with her for a while, and we found something perfect. Here comes… The bride!”
With that, she tore the door off from the hinges and tossed it aside. There she stood: Maggey in all of her glory. It was just right for her… An off the shoulder neckline, that plunged down so far you could even see a bit of cleavage! With a medium length train in the back. It had a beautiful raised floral stitch design, and fit the curves she did have very nicely. The downside was that it was just the design, so it was plain white and not the blue she preferred.
“Oh my Gooooodddd!!!” All the girls cheered in unison. “You’re so gorgeous!” They began hyping her up much to Maggey’s delight as she blushed, not used to getting compliments of this caliber.
“Oh my god, thanks guys! Is it really that nice?” Maggey asked.
“Um, YES. You look awesome!” Pearl cheered, jumping up and down.
“Magical!” Trucy winked. She thought that was pretty clever.
“Sugoi~!” Ema jumped up, stood on one leg with a knee back, winked, V-signing in front of one eye like the stupid fucking weeaboo she was. (That’s okay. We are too.)
“I fully approve.” Mia gave a thumbs up.
“Sis, I’d give that an A+.” Maya smiled brightly and happily. All of the girls collectively were just floored by Maggey’s impeccable dress, imagining how much better it would look once the colors were in place.
“Well! Looks like it’s a big hit, guys!” Barry clapped her hands together just once. “Now of course, since we’ve gotten that taken care of… Now for you. Since you’re all going to be matching, I know we need to special order dresses for all of you. So… What are we thinking, girls? What kind of style would you like?”
It just hit them- they had no idea. “Well…” Mia began, putting her hand on her chin. Maggey, too, had no idea.
“Well… It should be up to you guys! After all, you drove me here, so you should choose! As long as the colors are right, it should be okay with Mr. Edgeworth. At least that’s what he seemed to think!” Maggey smiled. “So… Have at it!”
The five bridesmaids all glared at each other. They all had ideas, all knowing each one would be met with fierce opposition. This was about to become… A battlefield.
But it wasn’t - They actually found the best one right in front of them that they all agreed on at once and simultaneously. You thought we were going to write an entire argument over a stupid bridesmaid dress? Well, hahaha, you are dead wrong.
After the girls decided the designs, the colors, and the like, they made their way to the register. “Alright, so… Who am I sending this ol’ billy-bill to?” Barry asked. Ema, being Edgeworth’s new part-time secretary, whipped out all the relevant information to send to Miles’s relevant billing information givers and accounts. “Alrighty!” Barry quickly took the uh, fucking papers and whatever and put it away. “Five days from the processing and the dresses will be yours! You girls will get ‘em just as you asked! Have a wonderful evenin’, and thanks for shoppin’ at Barry’s Blasphemously Bodacious Bridal Barn!”
“Byeeeee!” Everyone waved to her and then clamored back into the Subaru.
“Alright…” Mia said, turning back to everyone upon their buckling up. “Who wants Panera?!”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” They all squealed in return.
The girls all made their way to Panera for a fun-filled dinner of somewhat-overpriced Broccoli Soup and Mac n’ Cheese. But… Deep down in their hearts and minds, they wondered… How were the boys with their end of the shopping? Only time could tell.
Chapter 43: Wedding Shopping! Part 2: The Rest
Summary:
While the girls set out for their wedding dress extravaganza bonanza, The dynamic, dashing, and possibly even dudely duo of Daryan and Klavier set off to get wedding supplies for a much-frustrated Miles Edgeworth. What will they find on their journey? And will Daryan's true feelings be brought to fruition?
Chapter Text
April 29th, 1:45 P.M.
Stan the Van Man’s Van & Porta Potty Rental
The Van Lot
“Alright boys, it’s all yours!” Stan the Van Man said as he gave a mighty whack to the hood of the moving van. He tossed the keys to Klavier, who caught them with his teeth, just to look cool. He gave it a little shake, like a cat.
Daryan looked concerned for a second. “Uh, Bro… I dunno if you should put that in your mouth.”
“Don’t worry…” Klavier spit out the keys into his hand. “I’ve had worse in my mouth before.” He winked.
“Well, uh… Wha-” Daryan was quickly interrupted by Stan the Van Man.
He made a shoo-motion. “Alright boys… It was nice seein’ y’all, but get the fuck out of my lot. Papa needs his bubbly.” Klavier and Daryan quickly nodded, hopping into the van, and getting onto the streets.
“Where’s our first stop?” Daryan said, looking at Klavier’s list of items.
“Heh… The only stop we know…” Klavier snapped, pointing at his bro. “Party City, baby.”
April 29th, 1:52 P.M.
Los Angeles, Japanifornia
The Roads
The drive through the wide open roads of Los Angeles were fun and filled with whimsy and wonder. And by that, we mean cars. And traffic. And sights of homeless people abound. But it could be fun for some freaks! Like our two resident freaks right now: Klavier and Gavin. They blasted many a tune, and many a jam. And even a bit of a ditty here and there.
But… Thoughts had been clouding Daryan this whole time. Every time he looked at Klavier’s awesome neck and/or clavicle (Or Klav-icle, if you will), he felt… Something. And those eyes. God, those eyes. Everything about Klavier just made him feel a way that he had never felt before. But… What was it? It wasn’t him being gay, right? No way, there’s no possible way. After all, according to Daryan (in his words), “Only fags are gay.” And he’s “no fag,” we quote. But… He couldn’t help but stare at his bro driving along the roads. Klavier looked so sexy because he only had one hand on the steering wheel.
Klavier’s eyes widened in remembrance. “Ah, shit… Did I set my Party City Rewards Card in my wallet? Shit, let me go grab…” Klavier reached over to his side, not looking, keeping his eyes on the road, because he is safe like that. He touched Daryan’s thigh by accident, only briefly. “Whoops! Hah, sorry, bro,” he said and then proceeded to grab the wallet. Daryan pre’d his pants a little. And that’s when he knew… He had it bad. But… He couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t resist trying to deny it. All those years of pent-up internalized homophobia were catching up to him. His breathing turned heavy, his knees weak, arms spaghetti, just like mother used to make (that is how the lyrics go, right?) Klavier noticed, and glanced at Daryan.
“Uh… What?” Daryan asked.
Klavier concernedly began; “Are you… Okay, bro? You’re kinda like, shaking a bit. Low on iron? Are you secretly anemic, and didn’t tell me for years? Need an orange, bro?”
“Wha? No… I’m not shaking! The fuck are you talking about, weirdo? I’m just… Playing it cool, hotshot.”
“No, bro… Something’s up. Like, all the time lately, but especially since I told you I swung both ways. You like… You okay? You’re not homophobic, are you?” Klavier asked with a tinge of sadness at the thought of his own best friend of many a year, and many a dollar after that expensive bail hating him.
“No way! I don’t hate the gays! I mean… I’m not… Well, uh, you know, I mean… It’s alright! I dunno!” Daryan said frantically, reassuring Klavier, because he did not want to make his best bro sad or feel unsupported.
“Hmm… Alright.” Klavier responded with many questions in his head, but none more pressing than: When will Gavin start to speak? But that question was soon forgotten, just like Gavin was, as they soon arrived at the legendary Los Angeles location of Party City. The two parked in the near-empty parking lot, got out of the van, and looked straight at the monolith of partiness before them.
“Oh, shit! Party City already?!” Daryan exclaimed. “I am SO hype for this!”
“Ja… Let’s roll.”
April 29th, 2:03 P.M.
Party City
The Aisles of Fun
The two bros entered the Party City and were instantly blinded by the sheer awesomeness of it. There were rows upon rows of all the party fixin’s a man, woman, or even possibly a child (But not a dude of all teenages), could even dream of. They were simply too stunned to speak.
“Wow, I haven’t been here in ages… Did they add even more party to the Party City?!” Daryan questioned, “You might as well call this a, uh, Party Metropolis now. Heh.”
Klavier gave a sympathetic look, “That wasn’t even that clever, bro, but I agree! Now let's go look for streamers, balloons, tablecloths, and so on.” The two then looked at eachother, nodded, and whipped out their sunglasses, putting them on as any cool person does indoors, and not outdoors where they would be practical. “Let’s rock this shit!” the dudely-duo said in unison. Then, they walked down the aisles in search of the aforementioned items.
They had found the streamer section with relative ease, and luckily, found the yellow streamers in the exact color Edgeworth requested. Now… to find the blue.
“Bro…” Daryan muttered, beginning to panic, “I can’t find the blue streamers!” he shouted frantically searching the entire section, throwing wrongly colored streamers aside.
“Dude! Calm down, we’ll find it! It’s Party City, they have everything, ja?” Just as Klaiver said this, there they were. And in bulk too. Daryan wiped the metaphorical sweat off his brow, putting them in the jumbo shopping carts which were a new addition to all Party Cities in the year of 2030 after the great uprising of John Party and his fellow shareholders.
Regardless, they walked off leaving the mess of streamers behind on the floor for some minimum wage earning teenager to clean up their mess. Onto the tablecloth section they went. Conveniently, all the items they needed were in sections exactly next to each other. Talk about conveniently written storytelling, Pal!
Klaiver turned his head and saw something… shocking. “Bro! No way!”
“What?” Daryan said, turning around, with comically sized goofy glasses on his face that he was trying on. Klavier laughed at this, as comically sized glasses are pretty funny. It’s just too big for an average face!
“Oh, man! Well… Anyways… Check this out…” Klavier pointed towards the big balloon section at Party City. There, behind many tacky and stupid balloons… There was a Blue Badger balloon. The two ran towards it, and the emo-lookin’ teenage girl who is merely working here for a temporary bit of cash before she goes off to CalArts at the counter noticed the two, walking up to them as well with a big sigh.
“How can I help you two?” The lady asked. Klavier and Daryan wondered why she didn’t recognize two totally famous and epic dudes such as them. Klavier was genuinely hurt by this. Were the two remaining Gavinners really getting out of touch with society? But this was a question for another day. Klavier pushed down his sunglasses, revealing his piercing blue eyes. He snapped, pointing his finger at the Blue Badger balloon.
“How many of those do you have? See, we’re putting together a Blue Badger shindig and we’re kinda hoping you guys have like, as many as possible,” he said, placing a hand down on the counter. The lady’s eyes widened.
“Wait… You mean… Like, that Blue Badger thing up there? You want that? Really?”
“Yeah! S’what we’re talkin’ about.” Daryan said, kind of annoyedly.
“Oh! Wow… Well, that’s just a shock. Most people are really scared of it. I mean… It makes kids cry! Look at it!” The lady pointed. The balloon, indeed, was kind of terrifying. The Blue Badger had what could only be described as a somewhat sardonic smile beneath those two dead, lifeless eyes.
Klavier leaned in closer to look at it. “Yeah, y’know… It is pretty horrendous. Its smug aura mocks me. Well, it’s for a friend, so… Do you have more of this? Any other Blue Badger shit, maybe? I dunno, we’re kinda like, going in blind, we’re not much of wedding planners. But we could put on a mean show back in the day, thanks to the power of Party City!” Klavier motioned for a hi-five, but the girl, who clearly hated her existence working at this place, did not reciprocate, as she was not a shill for this dying retail chain.
“Actually… Come with me. We’ve got a whole section of Blue Badger shit nobody wanted to buy. It’s been sitting there since, like, 2016? Really long time. I dunno what this town’s obsession with Blue Badgers are, especially the Police force, but… Whatever, I’ll show you.” The girl started walking, ushering them to follow. Klavier and Daryan looked at eachother, mouths agape with giddiness - This was the jackpot. They followed the girl into the place where a Blue Badger-y fate awaited them… The Backrooms.
April 29th, 2:14 P.M.
Party City
The Backrooms
“Holy shit! This is a lot of Blue Badger stuff!” Daryan said, lifting up his funny sunglasses. There were boxes upon boxes upon boxes (and even a barrel) of Blue Badger merchandise and party favors. They had been sitting back there for fourteen whole years, and the layers upon layers of dust had accumulated upon them.
“Soooo… This is the stuff your weirdo friend wants, right?” The girl asked, playing with her black spiderweb fake nails. Klavier and Daryan, mouths still agape with bewilderment and awe, turned to her and nodded in unison.
“Ja! How much?” Klavier asked. “I mean, it doesn’t matter, I’m using the Big Boss-Man’s card, but… Still, how much? Just wondering?”
“Honestly, just… Take it. Management’s been wanting to get rid of this for years, but everyone’s been too lazy to, so… I mean, go ahead. Just take it all. But I’ll have to charge you for the other items and the helium for the one balloon…” The girl said.
Klavier jumped up in joy. “This is perfect! Wunderschoen! Ganz Toll! Wunderbar! Sorry… Haven’t been very German in a while, gotta fill the quota, y’know, for my image, ja? You see, I-”
“Alright, alright…” Daryan interrupted, holding up his hands. He didn’t want to hear Klavier’s whole song and dance about his German image, especially knowing he wasn’t even German. “I’ll go get the van, bring it ‘round back, we’ll load this sucker up. Heh heh heh heh heh heh,” he snickered, walking out towards the main entrance.
As the girl rang Klavier up (along with finding him conveniently-hexcode matching balloons), Daryan brought the van ‘round back, as he said, and they all loaded everything up. The van was nearly stuffed FULL of Blue Badger-related (and also colored) merchandise, party favors, and paraphernalia. Needless to say, it was a complete and utter success, though loading up that sucker took a LONG time. The two shut the van door, waved goodbye to the emo girl, who was seemingly the only person working there, and made their way out back towards Edgeworth’s Abode.
April 29th, 3:35 P.M.
Los Angeles, Japanifornia
The Roads
The ride back was going pretty well, even though Klavier and Daryan had a little bit of a tussle deciding whether they wanted to play Steely Dan, or Danzig. Klavier fucking hated Danzig, and likewise, Daryan fucking hated Steely Dan. They eventually settled on The Dan Band, keeping up with the Dan theming of their musical choices. The two jammed to some funny cover songs, still on the high of their Party City victory.
“Ahhh… Can’t wait for the E-Man to see all this, ja?” Klavier laughed.
“I know! He’s gonna be so fuckin’ happy. Heh. Think he’ll give us a raise?” Daryan chuckled.
“Uh… Maybe he’ll give me a raise, but he never hired you for anything… Did he?”
“No, no, he did hire me! I’m the officially-designated ‘Lackey Boy,’ according to the job description. I get paid!” Daryan smiled. Klavier felt bad, because Miles Edgeworth’s lackey boys (them being exclusively Winston Payne until now), have only ever made minimum wage, so Klavier hoped he could convince Herr Edgeworth to bump up their pay a little.
“Well… We’ll just see about that, huh? Oh look! We’re here! This chapter is really convenient, isn’t it?” Klavier commented.
Daryan smiled. “You know what though? I like that. Made our lives easy! Don’t like having to think too hard… And, y’know… Some of those older chapters really dragged on! I mean, they’re all funny and awesome, and really well-written, I mean, the authors, those dudes have some kinda talent, but like… Sometimes you just gotta get the plot goin’, y’know?”
“Yeah, I do know! They do drag on! Like in this long-winded conversation we’re having about the metaphysical implications of being in a ‘Fan-Fiction,’ whatever that is. Well, anyways… We should end this so we can get ever-closer the exciting fourth episode, ja? This wedding won’t make itself!” Klavier said. The two laughed, and got out of the van.
April 29th, 3:45 P.M.
Edgeworth Abode
The Planning Room
Edgeworth, in full wedding-planning mode, was walking back and forth, writing on multiple whiteboards. His hair was frizzle-frazzled, sweat pouring down his brow. “Ugh… Where can one man find decorations for this shit!? I don’t think those two are up to snuff, so to speak… Dammit. What am I going to do?!” Edgeworth threw his Expo marker on the floor in frustration. Gumshoe had to endure hours of Edgeworth’s angered phone calls to his suppliers and connections. When Mr. Edgeworth gets mad, he gets really mad! You might even call him a… Demon!
“Aw, gee, Pal… Listen, if you can’t get it, it’s not the end of the worl-”
“IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD!!” Edgeworth screamed at Gumshoe, who cowered in fear sitting atop his little metal foldy-chair. Just then… With the force of a thousand suns, walked in the dynamic duo themselves.
“Yo!” Daryan held up a peace sign, as the two pulled down their sunglasses in unison.
“WHAT?!” Edgeworth stomped up to them. “...I see… Empty handed, hmm? Guess you two were just a couple of phony loons, after all…” Edgeworth trembled, veins bulging in many areas of his body. (We will not specify. Sorry, horndogs!)
Klavier wagged his finger thrice. “Ah-ah-ah~!” Edgeworth was so befuddled by his past hour that he almost wanted to bite that sassy little finger right off. Daryan motioned Edgeworth to follow them, but Edgeworth was not convinced. He had to hold himself back from strangling Daryan, whose mere presence angered him at this point.
“No, no, listen… Calm down, dude. You gotta check this shit out. Follow us.” Daryan beckoned.
“Oh… Fuck it… Fine, this better be good.” He folded his arms and grumbly stomped out in that general direction.
Outside, the van sat in one of Edgeworth’s many driveways. He was a little miffed that they picked the closest one to his home, as that’s where his personal favorite Edgeworth Suit-Red Alfa Romeo GTV was parked within the garage behind. Klavier hopped up to the back door of the van, and slowly opened it. “Erblicken.”
The door opened, and boxes upon boxes (and one barrel) shone out, attacking Edgeworth’s eyeballs with a Blue Badgery might. “Oh… Oh my lord. Is this…”
Klavier cut him off. “Yes. Yes it is.”
Daryan began to do cool and funny hand motions as a hype-man would, saying; “We really hit the jackpot, bro! Like, they had SO much Blue Badger merch in that Party City! It was insane! Like… Nuts… Like… Whoa! Like… Damn! Like… Shieeeet. Like…” Daryan kept trailing on while Edgeworth fell to his knees in happiness. Tears began to fall down his eyes.
“Oh… You two… I never wanted to even say this, but… I… I love you two! You single handedly saved this wedding from the brink of annihilation!”
“Heh! You love us? Gay!” Daryan chuckled to himself. Edgeworth ignored this comment, getting up and pulling them both into a big hug. Edgeworth does not hug people very often, so this was a special occasion.
“Oh!” Klavier said. (He kinda liked this, admittedly) . Edgeworth released the two, and turned back, looking at it.
“I’ll have to inventory all of this and take it to the hall… To think though, that all of the supplies we needed for the decorum of this wedding was… In a Party City of all places. Collecting dust. And my connections had nothing. I think this proves to me that Party City is superior! I shall invest in many shares and make them one of my connections! At least I can trust them!” Edgeworth smiled, holding out his arms.
“So, uh… Does that mean we get a pay raise?” Klavier asked.
“Yeah! Please, dude, I need money.” Daryan said, very seriously. “I’ve been crashing with Klav because I can’t afford living expenses. I’m effectively homeless right now.”
“Oh, of course!” Edgeworth smiled. “You two deserve a hefty raise!” Klavier and Daryan joined hands and jumped in place up and down, giggling like a rabbit schoolgirl on the Easter Bunny’s birthday. “But, um… Well, if you’ve nothing left to do, you’re dismissed for the day. Go home and celebrate, my friends. Buy some wine, or whatever you do! I don’t really want to know what you get up to, but have fun! Oh, and… Gummy is having his Bachelor Party in a few days, and you’re required to be there, lest I cut all the raise you’ve been given,” he said, crossing his arms.
The two nodded in agreement. “You got it, Herr Edgeworth.” Klavier said with Daryan nodding, leaving the van and its keys in Edgeworth’s dominion, and getting onto the Rad Rad. They drove off into the streets ahead.
As Edgeworth went back to wedding preparations, the future seemed bright. Everything was finally in motion- The dress, the supplies, the venue, everything. Just the bachelor party and putting this shindig together to go.
April 29th, 6:29 P.M.
Klavier Gavin’s Penthouse
The Main Room
You thought this chapter was over? Oh, no…There’s just a little more, dear readers! A little… Teaser for your peezer, if you will. For when the two bros got back to Klav’s penthouse, after watchin’ some shows and drinkin’ some beer, and hangin’ out like buds do… Something was nigh. Daryan had been… Tense this whole time. Something was tearing him up within his system… And it had to come out. Daryan looked at Klavier.
“Hey, bro? I’ve got something I need to tell you…”
Chapter 44: A Deep Confession
Summary:
Klavier Gavin. Daryan Crescend. The two bro-liest bros of all time. But now, with Daryan's feelings coming out, will they grow even closer than they were previously?
This chapter includes some sexy times! Reader discretion is advised! Or not, show all of your friends, family, and even strangers, because we think this chapter is very hot, sexy, and epic. The world deserves to see this.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
April 29th, 6:30 P.M.
Klavier Gavin’s Penthouse
The Main Room
Klavier spent a whole minute waiting to ask his bro: “What is it?” in response to his question from the last chapter. The tension was so thick you could palp it. In other words, it was palpable, so to say. Daryan got up, putting his hands on his hips, pacing back and forth. Clearly, he was struggling internally to come up with the courage to say what he wanted to say. And what he wanted to say? He really wanted to say. But could he? Could he manage to get those words out that could change the course of his life- Nay, history, forever? And of course, his bro’s life.
“I… Uh… I gotta shit!” Daryan blurted out, sweating profusely, turning to run to the bathroom. Just then, a strong hand gripped his shoulder and turned him around. Klavier looked very serious.
“Bro, I know you don’t have to shit. Our shit-cycles are in-sync, so when you’ve gotta shit and I don’t? You always try to use it to get out of a sticky situation. So…I’m not letting you go until you tell me what you really want to say, ja?” Klavier said. Daryan was trying to play it off cool, like a hotshot, but Klavier could tell how nervous he was.
Daryan crossed his arms and scoffed. “I, uh… Buh. Okay, fine, I don’t really have to shit. Shoulda known you’d remember the cycle.” He then took a deep breath, found his inner shark, and put his hands on Klavier’s shoulders- Both of them. His ‘pomp rested sternly on Klav’s head, so you could tell this was serious.
Klavier looked a bit confused. “Whoa, both shoulders? This must be important…”
“It is.”
“Oh?”
AUTHOR'S NOTE: For those of you worried about Spätzle, the cat that Klavier rescued during his ordeals with Athena, rest assured, dear readers, Spätzle is safe. He was merely hiding underneath Klavier's king-sized bedframe with a $3,000 SleepNumber mattress over it. And also, if you're questioning why Klavier and Daryan are watching Hawaii Five-O instead of CSI Miami as they said they would during the hot springs chapter, they changed their tune, and wanted to watch Hawaii Five-O instead. None of these are oversights by us, and in fact, we thought of all of these things, so rest assured that we've got this under control.
“Listen, I… Uh…” Daryan was slowly turning redder than Edgeworth’s Tandoori chicken-red Alfa Romeo GTV. “Dude, uh… Well I think I’m, like… Bi or something, you know? Like… Y’know, uh… Maybe, uh… The shark swims both ways. Or something! Which, heh, you know, sharks can only swim in one direction, shark fact!” He began speaking quicker and quicker by the moment. “But, you know, like, it’s-”
Klavier grabbed Daryan’s hands off his shoulders, holding them, and laughing a very cool and cute laugh. Like a gentle “hahaha you are so silly my friend” kind of laugh. “Hahaha you are so silly my friend. That’s all you wanted to tell me dude? Is that why you’ve been acting so weird lately? You know I wouldn’t judge you bro! You know, like I told you back at the springs that I rocked both ways, played for both teams, pitched and catched-”
“And I have a crush on you!” Daryan blurted out at a rapid speed, then averted all eye contact.
“Whoa!” Klavier exclaimed.
Daryan’s ‘pomp drooped down like a penis after seeing something not sexy or fun or even cool. Or of course, something definitely not epic. “Ugh… I’m so stupid…! Just forget it… It’s fine. Let’s just go back to watching Hawaii Five-O and drinkin’ Buds or something.” Klavier stood in contemplation for a second.
“Hmm… Y’know, it’s funny, heh…”
“What is?” Daryan said a little defensively, thinking Klavier was making fun of him.
Klavier sat down on the couch, and began snapping his finger, legs crossed. He looked up at the sunroof, his bangs in front of his eyes. “I think… I think I realized something, the moment you said that. As long as we’ve known each other, we’ve been bros, but closer than most bros ever could be. The truth is. Those days at the academy… When we’d give each other our hearty smacks on the ass… Complimenting each other’s awesome rockin’ cocks, or getting into our little shenanigans, like bullying the piss out of Piss-Boy… It kinda, well, it was kind of an awakening for me, you know?”
Daryan looked a little taken aback. “Awakening? Like Fire Emblem?” (Daryan was a huge Fire Emblem fan, having spent tens of thousands of dollars on Fire Emblem Heroes waifu JPEGs.)
Klavier began twirling his little hair-spiral thing. “Ja… Wait, no, not that game, though Chrom is a hot little piece of ass, that guy, but anyways. No… You, bro. You were like, my first real boy-crush!”
“EEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH?!” Daryan reeled back in shock.
Klavier chuckled. “Ja! But you were always so, I dunno, defensive about your masculinity? You know, how you were always like… ‘I ain’t no fag!’” (Klavier said this in a shitty Daryan impression). “So, I always just kinda left it alone. Accepted that it wasn’t meant to be. And I was like, 14 then so I was kinda wimpy! Heh, can you imagine that? Heh heh…”
Daryan awkwardly laughed. “Yeaaahh, I was kind of a little shit back then.”
Klavier looked at Daryan. “So you see… I guess shit just kinda had to simmer for a while. I accepted you and I would just stay bros! And… Some other stuff happened in between then and now.”
“Like when I went to jail for murdering a guy!”
“Yeah, uh… I try to forget that one.”
“Oops! Touchy subject!” Daryan raised up his hands. “We all have our flaws! And, y’know! I was coerced into doing it, so… I’m not all guilty!”
“Shit, you right!” Klavier laughed.
After this laughter, the nerves came back to Daryan, realizing what, minutes before he just told his bro. “So, uh… What are you trying to get at, anyways? Like, are we cool, or… Do you hate me now? I bet you hate me… Damn. I’m gonna need to move in with that Skye chick or something, aren’t I?”
Klavier smiled warmly, getting up and walking past Daryan. This put fear in Daryan’s heart. He thought Klavier was gone! Did he lose Klavier!? Or maybe he was gonna kill him by shooting him in the back of the head! But then… He felt Klavier wrap his arms around him from the back.
“It’s cool, Bro.”
“Whuh…?” Daryan’s cheeks were flushed, and not down the terlet. He felt his whole body stiffening, but becoming as weak as a single wet noodle of ‘spag.
“What I’m trying to say is…” Klavier paused for dramatic effect, because he’s a diva. “I still feel the same.” Klavier let him go, so Daryan could turn around to face him.
“I… You mean it, bro?”
“Ja!”
“Like… You really, really mean it?”
“Ja!”
“With sugar and sprinkles and a cherry on top?”
“Ja!”
“Whoa… That’s three ‘Ja’s!’ in a row. That’s the Rule of Threes, so this is… This is big business! For real! So what… What does that mean now?!” Daryan panickedly waved his arms around.
Klavier stood there for a second and snapped his finger, pointing at Daryan. “Ja! Wait, shit, I mean… Sorry, got stuck there for a second. Let’s try that again.”
“Oh, you’re cool bro! Heheh… Uh… Wait, so you want me to like, say the line again, or-”
“Ja!”
Daryan cleared his throat and repeated his line: “So what… What does that mean now?!” Daryan panickedly waved his arms around (Though this time… he was acting).
“Just shut up and kiss me!” Klavier grabbed Daryan’s face in his hands and pulled him into a passionate smooch. Daryan had smooched many a time before, not to brag or anything, but never smooched a man! Their lips met as their tongues battled for dominance.
After a good minute, they pulled away from each other, and looked one another in the eyes. God, those eyes. They then silently slithered over to the couch, for more comfort and convenience. As Hawaii Five-O played in the background, the two eased onto the couch. They continued kissing for five minutes. They knew it was official now, and there was no going back. Their lips? Locked. Their pantry? Stocked. And now, their cocks? Rocked. Klavier noticed and felt the combined might of their peeners going up. It was intense.
“So, now that you and I are the closest bros around… What say we go a little…” Klavier paused again for dramatic effect. “Further…”
Daryan smirked, now fully into this newfound love he’s begun. “Is that what I think it means?”
“Ja… A little… Handy J to start our epic brove, y’know, like bro and love, with a bang…” Klavier said, unbuttoning his top as his awesome rockin’ pecs and clavicle shone in the sunset light.
“Ohoho, hell yeah!” Daryan enthusiastically reciprocated. They were both so hunky, spunky, and they were about to get funky.
Klavier, on top of Daryan unzipped his fly, letting free the beast- Nay, the shark that slept between his loins. “ZAMN!” Klavier gutturally exclaimed. “Just as cool as when I last saw it!”
“You mean, like, three weeks ago?”
“Ja, something like that. But, whatever! It’s for dramatic effect! Let me just start jerkin’ already!” Klavier firmly grasped the shaft in his hand, cupping the balls in the other. He knew that Daryan loved this, and because Klavier was a sex god with experience over many a man, he knew how to service his bro like nobody else could. He began to slowly stroke all six inches of Daryan’s girthpole. Daryan let out some dulcet moans. This, turned Klavier on even more, and his bulge was getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
“Whoa there!” Daryan looked ahead, noticing Klavier’s bulge. “Can’t leave you hanging now, can I?”
“Oh… And what might that entail?” Klavier responded, slowing his jerk of Daryan’s cock to a halt. Daryan sat up, slowly pushing Klavier back into a leaning position, then unzipping his pants to reveal the German-not-German’s großer Schwanz, as he’d say if he was actually German.
“Oh, you know what that entails.” Daryan slyly licked his lips. “A little brojob.” And then he briskly put Klavier’s wurst in his mouth.
“Whoa there, bucko! You sure you know how to do th- Oop, wait, nope, there’s teeth. I’m feeling teeth. Stop that. Ow.” Daryan lifted his head up like he was a shark emerging from the water.
“Oops! How do you even like, do that?” Daryan asked.
“You always were a bit of a meathead…” Klavier chuckled. “I don’t blame you, though, since you’ve never done this before, so let’s just stick with hands for now. We’ll save the suckin’ for another day.” Daryan looked a little embarrassed.
“I’m only human…”
“Naw, don’t think that… You’re a shark, bro.” This was the greatest compliment Daryan had ever received in his life, and it only made Klavier hotter. He looked once more into his eyes- God, those eyes- and they kissed once more, reaching down to each other's wangs and slowly stroking them simultaneously at the same time. Soft moans escaped their mouths between the kiss, as they intensified their ministrations [That one’s for you, Haru D. Nae (Anaelita). Love you, gurl! xoxoxo] Their strokes got more intense, more rapid, and they felt something building up, like a builder building a building. The heat. The tension, the passion. It was all escalating into a climax like no other. Better than even their greatest Gavinners concert. Better than when Daryan and Klavier met outside of jail for the first time mere month and a half ago. Maybe even better than when they made Sebastian Debeste piss in front of all the other students in the hall for the first time.
“Dude!” Daryan exclaimed out between a hearty moan. “I… I’m gonna spoot!”
“J-Ja… I think…I think it’s squeege time!” Klavier yelled in a thick German accent as he does when he’s close to completion. And then. And then, suddenly…
“BWWWAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” They both moaned, and their tubesteaks (metaphorically) exploded, spilling their seed, so to say, into the air, onto each other, and as they coated themselves in a cummy sheen, everything faded into white.
April 29th, 7:00 P.M.
Klavier Gavin’s Penthouse
The Main Room (Couch)
Klavier and Daryan held each other underneath a throw blanket, watching Hawaii Five-O, still recovering from the prior shenanigans.
“So… Guess that makes us official now, huh?” Daryan asked, cracking open a cold one.
“Ja…” Klavier responded as Daryan rested his gay little head on Klavier’s gay big clavicle, sipping down the Bud. “I’m glad that we’re a thing now. It just feels…”
“It feels right.” Daryan finished his sentence. “Like… I hid it for so long, so it feels weird, but also like… ‘Yeah’.”
“I know!” Klavier chuckled. “I know exactly what you mean. Well… Hey. Nothin’ like making your best bro your man too, huh?”
“Yeah…” Daryan chuckled. “Oh! Shit! I just got an idea!”
Klavier looked down at Daryan. “Hmm?”
“You think, like… You think that Skye chick’ll let us bone her easier knowing we’re a thing? Girls LOVE bi guys!”
Klavier’s jaw dropped to the floor. “Dude… You are the smartest person EVER!” They fived, as the position they were in did not permit hi-fives. “We’re gonna have to try that at the wedding. But I guess we’re gonna have to endure that Bachelor party first.”
“Ah… Fuck. You’re right. Should we let the boys know about… Us?” Daryan asked.
“Hmmm… We’ll play it by ear.” Klavier responded, not quite sure himself. Suddenly… He felt something a-bubblin’. Him and Daryan both got up in unison.
“Oop! Shit cycle!” Klavier chuckled, having to shit.
“Hell yeah, dude!” Daryan cheered, also having to shit.
The two made their way to the bathroom, ready to take their first shit not just as bros, but as lovers. They looked at each other with a newfound appreciation for one another. The future seemed bright for these two, and only time could tell what other wacky and funny shenanigans they’d get into next.
Notes:
NOTE: For those of you worrying about Spätzle, the cat that Klavier and Daryan rescued during their ordeals with the Athena breakup, rest assured dear readers- Spätzle was merely resting underneath Klavier's king-sized bed with a $3000 Sleep Number mattress while Klav and Daryan were having their steamy jerk sesh. And also, the reason that they switched to watching Hawaii Five-O instead of CSI Miami is because they changed their mind. None of these things were oversights by us, because we thought of it, and rest assured, dear readers, we've got this under control. Stay tuned and excited for more epic (And sexy!?) chapters.
Chapter 45: Gummy Gumshoe's Epic Bachelor Party
Summary:
A week before Maggey and Gumshoe's wedding, Edgeworth throws his best buddy a big bachelor party bash! With all "the boys" at Edgeworth's Estate, what shenanigans will unfold? And what will be revealed?
Notes:
This is the horniest chapter of the bunch.
Chapter Text
May 6th, 6:37 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
The Living Room
“Ugh… Where the hell is he…? He said he’d be here at 6:30…” Edgeworth tapped his foot, getting impatient. Gumshoe’s bachelor party was set to begin soon, and the first guests to arrive was none other than the Wright bunch. Yet where was he? Edgeworth began to do the anxiety-stanky-leg, sitting on his rococo chair from 1732, imported from France, because Edgeworth only ever bought original-country of origin goods from countries with rococo era origins. “Ugh… Where is he?! Hopefully he didn’t overdose on the Prozac… Fuck! Fuck! He’s probably lying on the ground, convulsing, frothing at the mouth like a character in Johnny Mnemonic!”
“That’s my favorite movie, Pal!” Gumshoe remarked, taking a hearty little weenie bite, not grasping the seriousness of this situation. “I like the part with the dolphin-”
“Gummy. Not now. I know this is your day, but not now…” Edgeworth said with a stern cross of the arms. Gumshoe shrugged and continued eating his little weenies. Edgeworth, however, had no time for little weenies. Where did Wright go?! Did he lose Phoenix?! Would he, and his red and green (and beige compliment) companions ever show up!?
Just then, with a knock on the door, Edgeworth rushed to the door with impetuous speed! He opened the door, and… There was not one, but two familiar faces in the doorway.
“Oh, it’s just you two…” Edgeworth sighed.
“Jeez, dude! Way to welcome the bros who got you the goods!” The shark gear-laden man exclaimed. It was… Klavier Gavin and Daryan Crescend?! Klavier tipped down his sunglasses. Without saying a word, Daryan pushed past the two and walked straight to Gummy, the man of the hour, giving him a hearty hug, and a scream in his ear; “YEAH BRO, HERE’S THE DUDE!”
“Haha, yeah! I guess I am! Thanks, Pal!” Gumshoe returned his hug, very excited for this epic party.
Edgeworth crossed his arms, tapping his foot. “Don’t get too excited, Mr. Crescendo…”
“It’s Crescend.” Daryan scoffed.
Edgeworth did a little shoo-ing hand motion. “Yes, yes, Mr. Crescent Roll. Can I call you Rolly? Anywho, you need to save that energy for later, when the main event happens.” he winked with a swing of his finger. Daryan, hearing this, looked at Klavier, who looked back at Daryan. They instantly knew, it could only be one thing… Strippers.
“Hell yeah dude, I can wait for that!” Daryan cheered, jumping up and down, chomping on a little weenie. Klavier went up to Daryan and Gumshoe, as they started to talk about things, and stuff, and the weather. But Edgeworth instantly went back to his anxiety-filled episode. He went back to tapping his foot and his toes, nervous as to whether or not Phoenix was even alive. It felt like many long long minutes, but in reality, it was only three.
Then, a singular knock echoed upon the door. Edgeworth, faster than light itself, dashed to the door and opened it up. There they were… Phoenix Wright?! And the red one, and the green man with beige compliments.
“WRIGHT!!!” Edgeworth sprung and hugged the Phoenix who was still mid knock.
Phoenix froze his hand in mid-knock motion. “Whoa…! Talk about a welcome! Were you, uh… Just standing at the door, waiting for us the whole time?”
“N-No! I was just… A little worried, is all. I thought you may have died, Wright.” Edgeworth said, very matter-of-factly.
“Why would you think that?” Phoenix was genuinely confused.
Apollo interjected, pointing at himself; “I think I’m still alive! Let me try it out.” He pinched his arm. “Ummmm… Think so!”
“Ha…!” Diego, too, interjected. “Already been dead, once! …Came back from the depths of Hell to be here!”
“Mmmmhm…” Phoenix nodded. “Yeah I remember that. You guys, uh… Just scurry along. Gotta do the secret handshake.”
Apollo saluted. “Yes sir! Secrets are important!” He and Diego walked off toward the little weenies and other snack counter where Gumshoe and the others were conversing. Daryan and Klav cheered the two fellow men on, especially Apollo. They went to conversing about things, and stuff, and the weather.
“So, uh… Really, why did you think I died?” Phoenix asked.
Edgeworth gripped his sleeve, turning his head to the side in angered embarrassment. “Listen, I… I just want to make sure you’re okay, Wright. You know, when you’re late I worry you OD’d on the Prozac I got you, or got into a car accident or something!”
Phoenix chuckled. “Take your Prozac today, man?”
“I AM MENTALLY SOUND!” Edgeworth pointed at the ground. “Anywho, welcome to Gummy’s bachelor party! Fun will be abound… And let the show begin!” And then they did their secret handshake, banging their knuckles together until it hurt, and so on. Then, they three, went to converse about things, and stuff, and the weather.
“Man! These little weenies are almost gone!” Gumshoe sighed. “I think I musta ate 50!”
“50?! I ate at least, like, 37,” Daryan responded, crossing his arms with a sly smirk.
Klavier sighed. “Bro, we’ve been through this… You’re supposed to say you had more than the other guy when you’re trying to one-up ‘em, Ja?” This fell on deaf ears.
“I barely even had any!” Apollo jumped up, whining. “My tumbly’s a rumbling!” Just then, seemingly like the Red Boy summoned someone…
“U-Um… Did someone call for sandwiches?” It was… Ron Delite?! He stood there very meekly, holding his hands together with sacks upon sacks of sammies at his side.
“Who’s this fag?” Daryan pointed at him. He could say these things now.
“Um… Uh, I’m Ron… Delite, I’ve been here for two minutes now… I guess nobody noticed when I walked in the door… Bu-”
“RONALD!” Edgeworth yelled, holding his arms out. “My man, it is good to see you! Slipped past me and Wright at the door! Nonetheless, here you are, in the flesh. I trust you brought the sammies?”
“O-Oh! Uh, yeah! 50 of them!” Ron said, slinging the sandwich bag over his shoulder, mimicking that of a Santa Claus, which Apollo noticed the correlation.
Edgeworth tapped his foot once in shock. “Wow! 50!? We only ordered 15… Do we have to pay for this?”
Ron shook his head. “Nonono! It’s free, Dessie went a bit overboard… She said it’s nice that I’m going out with the ‘boys’ and making friends… So… Um… Take my sammies plleeeeeaaase!” His little hair springs boinged out like a little slinky boing-boing boy on the first day of Spring. Ron began to set out all the sammies upon the snack table, one by one, making a monolith of sandwich. They were all different kinds, different meats, breads, and veggies. But most commonly, the classics of turkey on wheat or pumpernickel, as those sandwiches were what started everything (These were known as “The Edgeworth” and “The Gumshoe”).
“HOLY FUCK!!!” Daryan gutturally shouted. “The shark’s eatin’ good tonight!” He rubbed his hands together dubiously like a Vine creator when he sees a sexy woman. Very topical. Very cool.
“Ha…!” Diego crossed his arms. “Glad to see we’ve got some grub…!”
Gumshoe put his hand over Diego’s shoulder, the force of which caused one cubic mm of coffee to splash out of his thermos. “Haha, and they’re the best sandwiches money can buy, Pal!”
“Sure…” Diego grumbled. He fully believed this, but was mad that he lost some coffee, though played it off straight as to not upset the big man himself.
Edgeworth clapped. “Well! Let’s all eat and have some festivities! Eat and drink well, my friends!”
After some time, munchin’, mamunchkin’, talkin’, and catchin’ up, Gumshoe stood up from the sitting area, dinging the side of his glass. “Ahem!” He cleared his throat, “Okay, Pals, time for the main event of the night!... It’s… drumroll, please!” Without a cue, Diego pulled up a drumroll sound from his phone. “Iiiiiiit’s UNO!” Gumshoe said, holding up the box of Uno. Apollo cheered. He fucking loved Uno! But everyone else? Uncaring to slightly miffed. Edgeworth wasn’t going to say anything though. After all, this was Gumshoe’s day.
“WHA?!” Klavier and Daryan exclaimed at the same time, mouths dropping like balls on the verge of a young man being hit by the puberty truck. “I thought… We thought… Strippers!” They both continued in unison.
Gumshoe raised an eyebrow? “Huh? Why would ya think that, Pals? I mean… I’m getting married to Maggey! Summoning prostitutes to this place would be like… Well, it’d be cheatin’, Pal! I love Maggey! I could never do such a thing!”
“B-Buh…” Daryan stuttered and sputtered. He then crossed his arms. “Whatevs.”
“Well, at least we’ve got Uno! Uno’s more fun than strippers!” Gummy winked.
Apollo winked back, pointing at Gumshoe. “I agree! I don’t even know what these… ‘Stripper’ people are, but it can’t be more fun than Uno! Nothing is! It’s impossible! I deny anyone claiming that something is more fun than Uno! Especially… Well… I dunno, anything fun! I’ll take you to court if you say something’s more fun than Uno! And I would know, I’m the only character in this entire goddamned series who’s won a civil trial against my bo-”
Phoenix motioned for Apollo to calm down. “Alright, alright! Looks like someone’s had too much Mr. Pibb!” he quipped, desperately trying to get Apollo not to mention the fact that he beat him in a civil case. Especially in front of… Him. (Miles) “Well now, let’s just move on from these shenanigans and play the game, shall we?”
“Ha…! Down. Gonna ice you motherfuckers at this! I, Diego Armando, the Ice King of Hell, shall smite you all down at this battle!” Diego said, very impassioned. He also loved Uno, but was a bit more closeted about it. “US, Mexican, or Puerto Rican rules?”
Speaking of closeted, Daryan piped up! “Eh… Listen, me and Klav’ are gonna pass. Our, uh… Shit cycle’s going off. So, uh… We gotta go shit, and, uh… Y’know… Not play the game, and…” Daryan sort of just trailed off and got up, going towards the bathroom.
Klavier perked up, “Oh! Ja. Right. Shit cycle. Yup. We shit synchronously, it requires the bond of, uh. Two best friends.” They were both lying about having to shit this time, but the cycle was in fact, true and honest.
Phoenix and Edgeworth looked at the two rock n’ rollers with concern. “Shit cycles…?” they both said to themselves, wondering if their bond would ever grow so close.
But back to the topic at hand- Gummy looked sad now. “That’s two less people playin’ Uno, Pal… There’s only, what, five… Wait, I swear there were six, oh! Hey, you! You stop hidin’ behind that couch and join the party, Pal!” Gumshoe motioned for Ron, who scuttled out from hiding.
“Oh… Okay. I didn’t think, um… You’d include me… I… Guess…” Ron sat on Edgeworth’s very expensive Afghan rug, where everyone else joined to partake in Uno.
Gumshoe looked around. “Six people only… But in Uno, you have a hand of seven! Sure makes me wish we had at least one more player!” Just then, and just then, a loud crash came from the doors behind them in this room, and the slight muffled sounds of terror from the recently bathroom-headed Klavier and Daryan.
“Egads!” Edgeworth said, pistol at the ready. “That sounds like the sound of my very expensive ancient Greek urn breaking! Oh, I hope it isn’t my very expensive ancient Greek urn breaking!”
“Someone call for another member? Heh. Member.” It was… Larry Butz?! Everyone groaned in displeasure and sadness, except Ron who had no idea what was going on. Larry, holding a Beats Pill in one hand (blasting Party Rockers in the House Tonight) and a paper sack full of some cheap wine in the other, was wearing 2010s shutter shades, and to top it all off, a white T-Shirt, that said “TEAM GROOM”, which the G had an old-timey top hat, and the O’s? Oh, well, those were some boobs!
Edgeworth, pistol still at the ready, began; “Larry, how did you get past my state of the art security system I put in place to keep intruders and you out?!” he asked. “And did you break my very expensive ancient Greek urn!?”
Larry looked confused. “Oh, I just walked in through the back.”
“Fuck, I should have thought of that…” Edgeworth responded, a finger on his chin. “Didn’t think he’d ever consider walking through the back…”
“Heh! I always go through the back!” Larry quipped. “Oh, and about your urn thing? It was an urn, but I don’t think it was Greek… It had like, a dragon on it.”
“Egads! My very expensive Ming Dynasty urn!!” Edgeworth’s hands were on his face. “Larry, I’m gonna fucking rip your heart out!!” Edgeworth had his hand on the hilt of his pistol, motioning to pull back the safety. Murder was about to be committed!
Phoenix chuckled. “Wouldn’t be the first time Larry’s heard that…”
Larry looked a little dismayed. “Listen, I’m sorry man! I’ll buy you a new one! I’m making fat stacks, more on that later. But wait, look.” He then started playing ‘Sorry for Party Rockin’ on his Beats Pill to prove just how sorry he truly was.
Edgeworth put back his pistol. “Ugh… At least it wasn’t my very expensive ancient Greek urn, but I’m still miffed. Gummy, should we let this man join?” he asked.
Gumshoe held up one finger. “Well, this guy is a complete menace, Pal… But, we need to play Uno with seven people at least! I wish it was some other guy, but y’know what, we’ll take what we can get! Sit down, Mr. Butz! We’re playing Uno!”
Larry scratched his chin in confusion. “Wait, Uno? I thought there’d be stri-”
“SIT DOWN AND PLAY UNO, PAL!” Gumshoe roarded, desperate for this seventh member to join. But it wasn’t an angry roar, it was more one of sheer excitement.
“Alright, deal me in!” Larry said, plopping right down on the floor.
May 6th, 7:10 PM
Edgeworth Estate
The Very Expensive Shitters
As Uno was going on, Klavier and Daryan shut the door behind them. This bathroom was very large, the size of a public bathroom with many stalls and sinks. Except it looked very gaudy and smelled like roses and cleanliness. You could even eat eggs off the floor! It was immaculate.
“Phew… Got outta that one, bro.” Daryan wiped the sweat off his brow, then adjusting his jacket.
Klavier snapped his finger in relief. “Ja… Good thinkin’ using the cycle to get us out of that sticky situation! You do that a lot, but I never realized the power it held.”
“Yeah, haha, I’m just kinda cunning like that, y’know… Haha.” Daryan beamed.
Klavier bit his lip. “Kinda hot, actually…” Just then- He had an idea! “I had an idea! Well, now that we have some privacy… Why don’t we change those n’s into m’s?”
“What?” Daryan looked befuddled, genuinely befuddled.
Klavier briskly responded; “Y’know! Like… The word cunning. Spell it in your head.”
“Okay.”
“Ja, got it. Now. Replace the ‘n’s’ with ‘m’s.’”
“I… I dun- Oh, wait? No… No that can’t b-OH!” Daryan finally got it. The sex entered his eyes. God, those eyes. On the mere hearing of the word “cumming-” Or rather, thinking of it because nobody said the word- he felt the animalistic desire to continue his sexual relations with Klavier.
That same feeling entered Klavier’s eyes as well. “Ja, I was thinking I’d demonstrate on you how to give a good blowy. Y’know, after that last… Mishap. Glad you never went through the teeth-sharpening procedure, bro!”
Daryan looked around him. “Well… We’ve got all this space! And those bozos are out there playin’ Uno! Nobody just up and goes to shit during Uno! So… What’re ya waitin for, broseph? Why don’t you… Show me the ways?”
Klavier and Daryan eased onto the wall near them, Daryan leaning against it. Klavier gave him a sultry look, making his way down to Daryan’s black ripped jeans. He unbuttoned that button that’s really annoying to button when you’re putting on jeans, and then unzipped the fly. Thankfully, the peener was already gettin’ loud n’ proud, so Klavier didn’t have to navigate through Daryan’s Fruit of the Loom boxers. “Heh. Nice cock, bro.” Klavier said, looking up. He’s, of course, made this compliment before, but it was always a nice one to give.
“Thanks, I grew it myself.” Daryan winked. He’s, of course, said this response before, but it was always a funny one to say.
Klavier looked back down and licked his lips. “Alright… Time to show you how a real pro does it. And I warn you- I give the meanest head. Lass uns essen!” Klavier yelled, plunging his mouth onto Daryan’s sharky shaft. “Mmm!” Klavier gurgled in enjoyment, thoroughly enjoying every last inch of his bro-lover’s penis.
“Unh… Whoa!” Daryan grunted in pleasure. “Y-Your whole mouth is encapsulating my penis! That? Is insane.” Klavier continued for a few minutes, bobbing his head up and down like a man hunting for apples in a barrel of water, of course. Where else would you be hunting for apples, silly? He went forward and back, tilting his head around for maximum movement. It was like heaven for Daryan, who had never felt such a good suckin’ before. He, of course, has had his dick sucked before, but it was always a woman, and not an amazing man like this. (We’ve, of course, made many Rule of Threes jokes before, but it’s always nice to do more).
“D-dude! This is bad! I’m gonna cum!” Daryan exclaimed.
Klavier slowly emerged from his suckin’, and looked up, merely whispering; “Then cum.”
Klavier took a deep breath, and sent his whole head down onto Daryan’s dastardly dongus dingle-dick. Every last inch was now within him, and as soon as Klav’s lips made contact with the ballular region, the sheer force of this plunge made Daryan moan louder than he’s ever moaned before, and then release his magic milkshake, but the only boy coming to the yard this time? It was Klavier. He sucked up his seed with impeccable speed (Rhyme as well). The German rocker emerged, licking his lips once more.
Klavier did that sexy post dick-suck laugh. “Ah… That was great. How’d it go, bro?”
“I… Whoa! Can I try?!” Daryan looked amazed. He never realized two men sucking each other's penii could be so epic!
“Go ahead. Let’s see what you learned, ja?” Klavier snapped his finger.
Klavier and Daryan then switched places- And so began Daryan’s effort to remember everything he learned from this experience. He knelt down like a man praying in the name of some god somewhere at some place of worship for said god, undid Klavier’s pants, and there it was. Klavier’s meister von schwanzes. Klavier gave him a nod, and then Daryan slowly eased down and even gave it a little tongue action before going in. Once that got out of the way, Daryan clasped it with his lips, and began to go in.
“Jetzt haben wir den Salat!” Klavier said in excitement. Daryan did it! He began suckin’, and no teeth to boot! He didn’t do too bad either! Klavier let out some very proud moans, but this would soon be short lived, as, just then… The door swung open.
“Hey, you guys! It’s been a while! I have to go, and… HOLY COW! GEE WILLIKERS! HONEST TO BETSY! You guys are still here!?” It was… Apollo Justice!?
“WHOA! It’s uh… It’s not what it looks like, Herr Justice!” Klavier held out his hands in reassurance, we suppose.
“PLEAHHH!” Daryan, in shock, quickly escaped Klavier’s cock realm. He looked back at Apollo Justice. “Uh… Um… I wasn’t doing that!” He was a very bad liar (See: The Murder of Romein LeTouse).
Apollo scratched his head. “Wait… Why was his willy in your mouth? People don’t do that when they poop! ‘Least not where I grew up, which is a different place every game!”
Klavier and Daryan merely looked at eachother. “Uh… How do we even begin to explain this one, bro?” Daryan asked. “This guy seems a little… Y’know.”
“Er… Let me handle it. Me and Herr Justice go way back.” Klavier walked up to Apollo, fastening back his pants into place. “Listen, the truth is… That’s a thing people do when they, y’know… Like, y’know, like… Love each other…”
“Oh!!!” Apollo said. “It’s intercourse! I know what that is! Mr. Wright and Miss Fey do that a lot! So it’s the boy version of intercourse! I see… I always wondered how that worked!” Klavier was very relieved he didn’t need to explain the basic concept of sex to Apollo. “Wait… So that means…”
“Ja. So you see… Daryan and I… Well, we’re…”
“We’re dating, ‘kay?!” Daryan said, finally up and enpantsed once more. “Got a problem with that?! Sayin’ ya hate the gays or something?!”
“No! No!!! Nononononono!” Apollo responded. “I don’t mind!” he reassured. “I was just surprised is all! And besides, I’m physically incapable of any prejudice! So don’t worry about it guys! We all do it!” Neither of the bros knew what Apollo meant by “it,” but the reassurance was appreciated.
“Just, uh… Don’t let the other boys know, okay? I’m not ready for them to know…” Daryan nervously said, pointing his two fingers together shyly.
Klavier shook his head. “Listen, we’ve gotta tell ‘em eventually, ja? You think they’re gonna just think we live together and not date women for the rest of our lives? Come on. It’s gotta come out sooner or later.”
“I know, I know… It’s just, ugh… I already came out and it’s hard and I don’t wanna do it again! Say, red guy, is Uno over?” Daryan asked. He was kinda getting hungry but didn’t want to go and get sucked into Uno.
“Oh! Yeah!” Apollo said while pissing. “That’s why I came to get you two! We’re gonna hang out and stuff! And… We’re busting out the champagne!”
“CHAMPAGNE?!” Daryan and Klavier yelled in unison. “Ooh baby, ooh baby!” They both cheered, pumping their fists. It wasn’t strippers, but it was the next best thing.
Apollo jumped up and down. “Yeah! And I was worried you guys got lost trying to find the pooper! So I took it upon myself, who also had to go, so it was convenient to go find you guys! Now… Come on! Let’s go!” Apollo began to proudly march out of the bathroom. Daryan and Klavier followed behind.
“Man… Why didn’t we find somewhere with a lock?” Daryan mumbled.
Klavier nudged his bro. “You still owe me a cum, by the way.” Daryan and Klav’s eyes met, and they gave each other the finger guns, then proceeded back to the living room where champagne and fun awaited.
May 6th, 7:25 PM
Edgeworth Estate
The Main Room
POP! The cork of the champagne bottle shot up into the air, foamy bubbles oozing from the bottle’s orifice. Many other bottles were spread across the table in the room, meaning the party was about to get epic. Edgeworth, bottle in hand, turned to look at the emerging men. “What took you so long?”
Daryan began to sweat, showing he had something to hide. “Oh, uh, nothing, we were just shi-”
Apollo quickly interrupted Daryan. “Oh! These two were having the boy version of intercourse! That’s what took them so long and made them miss our Uno round! Sad!”
“EEEHHHHHHHHH?!” Ron, Phoenix, Gumshoe, Edgeworth, Larry, Diego, Klavier, and Daryan- Effectively everyone except Apollo- yelled in shock. Klavier put his head in his hand.
“Scheiße…” Klavier muttered.
“What the fuck!?” Daryan turned around towards Apollo, arms out, teeth bared. He raised up his hand ready to strike him in a sharklike, yet testosterone-filled raging passion. Apollo’s little ahoge drooped down in fear. Daryan began to walk towards Apollo. Menacingly! “I’m gonna fucking kill-”
Suddenly, Diego clutched Daryan’s arms behind his back, rendering him stupid and useless with no means to attack. “Nobody lays a hand on the kid’s head.” He said.
“B-Buh!!!” Daryan barked (or, dare we say, sharked?) “Come on, he just outed us!”
Edgeworth took a sip of champagne. “Oh, my,” he chuckled.
Apollo looked down, swinging his fist in displeasure. “Oh, man… I really screwed the pooch on this one, didn’t I?”
“Listen… Let’s all resolve this like adults!” Phoenix, being the voice of reason, the main character, interjected. “Apollo, come over to my side where you’re safe. Diego… Keep holding onto the ex-convict.”
“Ha…! Which one?” Diego winked behind his visor. Daryan struggled, squirmed a bit, but not a lot. Being chained under the grasp of a very sexy Puerto Rican was both insulting, yet mildly arousing to him. He really wanted to kill Apollo, not just for the fact that he outed him and Klavier as gay lovers, but also- To a lesser extent- Because Apollo had once put him in jail, but he could stay in this grasp just a little longer.
Gumshoe began to laugh, on his now second glass of champagne. “Gee Pal, this sure isn’t how I expected my bachelor party to go!” He laughed more, elbowing Ron and Edgeworth at the same time. Edgeworth, with his ironclad will, not even moved an inch, but Ron ragdolled about seven feet back from the force of Gumshoe’s tipsy-turvy elbowing.
“Alright.” Phoenix began. “Tell me what’s going on here, Mr. Gavin. And once this is all resolved, we can drink, have some snacks, and have a nice time.”
Klavier took a deep breath. “Alright… Well, I was meaning to tell you guys the news anyways, but me and Daryan started dating like, last week after he confessed his love to me that he’s had since we were teenagers-”
“DUDE! Don’t need to tell him the whole thing!” Daryan said, still within Diego’s grasp. His alpine-scented Old Spice deodorant was quite pleasant to Daryan, but that mattered not as all his secrets were coming out in the flesh.
“Well I need to give them context! Stop being such a puss, man!” Klavier snapped his finger, pointing at his bro. “Anyways, this is a total win because I liked him when I was a teenager too but never told him because he was kind homophobic, not gonna lie. But yeah, he came out to me as bi and I’m bi as well. I mean… I know you didn’t want to tell them yet, bro… And I was gonna respect your wishes tonight, but we’d have to tell them sooner or later, so… I guess Herr Justice ripped the band-aid off for us. Even if… I’d rather he didn’t mention us… Y’know.”
“I knew it! I knew you were gay the second I laid my peepers on ya!” Larry pointed and laughed at Daryan, sipping on his own personal bottle of cheap wine that he brought. Daryan gritted his teeth and kicked his legs around like an angry child.
Klavier put his hand behind his head, “You’re all cool with it, right?”
“Duh!” Phoenix laughed. “It’s 2030! Who the hell like, isn’t anymore?!”
“Aw, gee Pal… I’m so glad you told us this, it took a lot of courage! Even if Mr. Justice did it all for you!” Gumshoe put his hands on his hips, nodding in approval.
Edgeworth crossed his arms. “In my house, all races, genders, disabilities, sexualities, and creeds and otherwise are welcome! Of course, lest you’re one Mr. Butz, exceptions can even be made there, I suppose. Just as long as… You know. There’s no semen on the tile floors… If there are and I find some, you’ll be cleaning it off with naught but a toothbrush! And this Mr. Clean Clean Freak Lemon Mist Spray, of course!”
Klavier winked. “Oh, don’t worry. I cleaned it all up.”
“Riiiiight…” Edgeworth said, then raising up his glass and dinging on it with a spoon. “So, we all approve of these two men having homosexual relations, correct?”
“Oep!” They all agreed, including the men who haven’t had a chance to speak yet, but we don’t have much to say for them.
Larry raised his hand and began,“Well, I mean, I’m cool with it, just don’t flirt with m- OOF!” Phoenix elbowed him in the side.
“No way, dude!” Daryan chimed in, finally being freed from Diego’s grasp. “You’re mad uggo, bro!”
“Ja… I agree. You’re really unattractive and smell like… Weird.” Klavier nodded. “We’d never flirt with you.”
“Yeah, bro. You’re not like Klav or Mr. Mexican over here. They’re the real hotties of this bunch.” Daryan said, crossing his arms. Klavier hi-fived Daryan.
“I’m Puerto Rican…” Diego muttered. Though, he appreciated that his beauty was appreciated by all the sexes. Larry, however, was a little saddened that the men didn’t find him very attractive, despite asking not to flirt with him.
“I’m… I’m sorry guys!” Apollo teared up, getting on his knees. “Please oh please forgive me! I’m but a lad, I don’t think so good sometimes!”
“Nah, you’re chill.” Klavier patted Apollo’s head.
With everyone’s approval of the rock-n’-rollin’ relationship between the rock-n’-rollers, the party’s tension was now back to null. With that, Gumshoe clapped his big meaty hands together.
“Alright! Let’s get to partyin’! Music!” Gumshoe yelled, as The Bee Gees began to play in the background. Everyone cheered, beginning to pour champagne, get down on the dance floor, and begin to really party. Ron was here too, in case you forgot about him. The sheer force of Gumshoe’s elbowing knocked him out, so he was kind of out of commission for a bit. But not anymore, he was back, and he was ready to party. Just like everyone else. Party!
May 6th, 10:30 P.M.
Edgeworth Estate
The Main Room
After some partyin’ and hardyin’, snackin’ and yackin’, maybe even some dancin’ and prancin’, things began to wind down. Everyone, even Apollo, but except Diego because only drank coffee, not water ever, was getting pretty hammered, so they all sat on the couches while the sweet, dulcet tones of Die Hard were playing in the background.
“Man… Even without the strippers, this is a good party…!” Daryan clapped, forgetting all his past strife. Klavier’s arm was around Daryan, the two holding their glasses of champagne.
“You’re tellin’ me, Pal!” Gumshoe smiled. “I’m so happy!”
“Good, good. I’m glad!” Edgeworth laughed, next to Gummy on the most fancy and expensive couch in the house.
“I’m fuckin… Epic!” Larry said- He wasn’t on a couch, he was on the floor, drunk.
“U-Um! I’ve got a question!” Apollo raised his hand. “I mean… Since we’re all boys, y’know?”
“Where in the world could this lead?” Phoenix and Diego thought to themselves. It could only mean trouble was afoot. Or, nothing at all, because it was Apollo.
“Ask away, my learned friend!” Edgeworth said, pointing at Apollo. He was like the Barok Van Zieks of modern-day Ace Attorney, who, Barok Van Zieks himself was like the Miles Edgeworth of the Great Ace Attorney.
“Well… Um…” Apollo stood up. “So… Me and Pearly are dating now, and, um… Well, she’s been asking me some things, about going out to places and stuff… And, well, using my lawyer knowledge, there’s gonna eventually be a date where, well… Things go a little further!”
“Uh oh!” Phoenix said out loud. He was very glad Mia wasn’t here for this.
Daryan thought to himself. “You talkin’ about, like, a second date?” Klavier shook his head, merely laughing to himself. His boyfriend really was an idiot. How cute!
Apollo shook his head rapidly like a dog or cat removing water from its being. “No, no! I mean… Like… I’d like some advice, on… Well… Y’know. Makin’ whoopee!” Phoenix covered his face in his hands in secondhand embarrassment. Diego, meanwhile, merely cracked a smile.
“Ha…! Red boy’s growin’ up! Can’t say I’m not proud of him! Just wait until my kitten hears this one…” Diego said, with a sly sip of coffee.
“Absolutely do not tell her!” Phoenix lightly tapped him on the shoulder. “She’s going to kill Apollo, and me for allowing this!” Diego shrugged- He was probably going to tell her anyway. Or forget. Whichever one comes first.
Apollo then continued, looking around. “Well… How about you guys all tell me the first time you did it with your girls?! I really need some advice! What if… What if I mess up!?”
Edgeworth stood up, walking up to across where Apollo stood. He held his arms out. “Well… I can tell you one thing. I don’t have a girlfriend like these chaps, or I guess a boyfriend if you’re those two…” He said, pointing at Klavier and Daryan, who were just kinda drunk and touching each other, as drunk couples do, especially ones with very nice pecs, “But… I do have one booty call. Miss Rhoda Teneiro, of the iFly airline system. She gets me poon and free first-class flights!”
“She’s from Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations, for those of you unacquainted!” Gumshoe pointed out. Nobody acknowledged this comment.
Edgeworth continued; “Yes, yes, so she is. I wish more people bought my game so the sequel could have had an official translation. Please, John Capcom. It’s a very important piece of lore in this series. Anywho, in the first game, I met this woman, and she’s pretty hot. She calls me every once in a while, and when we get together, we have epic bone seshes. Now, I consider myself well-versed in the art of intercourse, so allow me to give you a piece of advice. Never rest until you’ve inspected every suspicious looking nook and cranny.”
Gumshoe laughed. “That’s a rehash of a joke from the first chapter in this part, Pal!”
“I know!” Edgeworth barked back. “But this is important for the context of this conversation!”
“Oh… So like, with a magnifying glass!?” Apollo asked. Phoenix chuckled. This kid really was a funny virgin. And an idiot. In a wholesome way, of course. How quaint.
“Um… Sure. You’ll figure it out!” Edgeworth chuckled, going back to the couch with Gumshoe.
Phoenix went; “Well, for my first time with Maya, just read Chapter 9 of The Endless Turnabout!” he winked. Apollo noted this, nodding enthusiastically. Phoenix then turned to Diego, asking; “How about you, Diego? Not to… Pry in the sex lives of my boss and her lover, but… Do it for Apollo, if you can!”
“Ha…!” Diego laughed. “Oh, I’ll tell ya… It all started many years ago…”
June 23rd, 2014
Grossberg Law Offices
Grossberg’s Office
“Oh, god! Diego!” Mia was being absolutely plowed on Grossberg’s nice mahogany desk. Diego grunted as he rammed back and forth. Grossberg went out to go buy hemorrhoid creams for his horrible condition, so they had some time to be a little frisky.
Diego’s plowing was immaculate. He knew just how to hit all the spots on the inside and outside. Using his hands, his peener, and whatever other tools he had at his disposal, there was but one law ringing through the Grossberg Law Offices that day- The law of pleasure.
“Fuck me, fuck me harder!” Mia commanded very angrily. Mia was an angry fucker.
“Oowah! Zoinka! Boinka! Doinka!” Diego yelled with each impassioned thrust of the ween. How sexy it was to Mia to hear those moans coming from his mouth. But… All was going to end soon. Through the very loud, primal ball-slapping sex noises that emanated from the office, the familiar ding of the janky old elevator that they took every day into work rung, unbeknownst to them.
“God, Diego, you motherfucker! You sexy motherfucker!” Mia growled. “Keep going! Fuck me harder than you’ve ever fucked anyone and anything before!”
“OOH! BWOWWW! ZINGADINGA! HRRRRNNGGGH! Honk.” Diego noised very loudly and passionately. Just as the climax was upon them…
“OH JUMPING JEHOSAPHATS!” A familiar voice yelled. It was… Marvin Grossberg?!
Diego and Mia froze. Diego looked back, his chiseled ass out for Grossberg to see. Nothing but Mia’s legs were seen, with her lying on the mahogany desk being obscured by Diego’s might. “Uh… Hey boss!” Diego chuckled.
“I can’t believe this! Look at it, you two… I leave for half an hour, and here you two are, my only employees aside from that third guy I forgot about, on my desk, in heat!? Oy vey, you’re getting schmutz all over the place! Look, look! Oh, my poor bear statue!”
That moment marked the end of the ever important and inevitable first sex time together that Mia and Diego shared. And what an ending it was…
BACK IN THE PRESENT…
“Ha…! So that’s how it happened. My advice, kid? Make sure you’re in the right place and the right time… Y’know, like that one song, ‘Night time is the right time for lovin’, but with places too! And, y’know, night time isn’t always the right time. Haven’t you heard of Afternoon Delight? Good song.” Diego said, sipping on his coffee and patting Apollo on the back.
“Okay!” Apollo nodded.
“Yes, please don’t have sex on my desk.” Phoenix commanded sternly.
“But you and Maya do that!” Apollo smiled. Everyone laughed at this.
“H-How do you know that?!” Phoenix began to get all defensive. “W-Well, it doesn’t matter because it’s my desk! Anyways, uh… Gumshoe! How about you?!”
Gumshoe let out a chuckle. “Oh, me, Pal? Well… Since it’s my bachelor party, I might as well tell ya! Learn well from my story, Mr. Justice! Truth be told… It was my first time too!”
March 25th, 11:00 PM
Maggey Byrde’s Apartment
The Bedroom
Maggey flopped down on the bed. “Wow, today was so great! Thanks for taking me all over town! And driving, because haha, one more accident and I’ll lose my license forever!” (If, dear readers, you’ve read Chapter 41: Wedding Shopping! Part 1: The Dress, you would know that she indeed did lose her license). Gumshoe plopped down next to her. He was so heavy with his hearty mixture of fat, muscle, and bone that he caused the bed to sink in a little. Maggey bounced up about three inches due to the impact.
“Aw, gee, Pal! Glad we could do this! I had a great time!” Gumshoe chuckled. They chuckled and conversed for a few moments, joyful in the aftermath of such a wonderful day. Truth be told, Gumshoe was still a bit nervous, as she gave his tummy butterflies and other various insect feelings.
“Oh right!” Maggey mentioned, “I wanted to show you something I got the other day!” Maggey then leaned across Gumshoe to grab something from her nightstand. But as cruel fate would have it - She lost her balance and fell face-first onto his crotchular region.
“Woah!” Gumshoe exclaimed, his face as red as Edgeworth’s Cheeky Blush Red Alfa Romeo GTV. His penis instantly became erect, buttons popping off and away, pushing through and erupting from his pants, but thankfully she moved her face away before his massive cock could strike her like a test fire of a North Korean ICBM striking down into the oceans of Japan.
“Oh gosh, Pal, I’m so fucking sorry!” Gumshoe bellowed in apologeticness like a truly apologetic man. His pure, unadulterated love for Maggey caused his whole system to go a-whack. Maggey was shocked, surprised, and bewildered even, but not mad. She blushed.
“Oh! Uh… Wow. That looks, um, powerful.” Maggey said, eyes widened in newfound lust.
Gumshoe rubbed the back of his head with his hand. “Gee, Pal, ya really think so?”
“I mean, look at it! Wow, can I, uh… Touch it?” Maggey asked, hand already up in preparation.
“Well, uh, if you insist, Pal! Pretty crazy that this is only the first date! But, yeah, go ahead!”
“OH BOY!” Maggey hopped up and down. She began doing just that- she touched, she felt, she poked, she prodded. But most of all… She liked it. And Gumshoe felt honored.
“Wow, this is amazing!” Maggey cheered. “I’ve never seen or touched one of this magnitude before!” She gave it a little stroke. “How’s that feel?!” Gumshoe smiled and merely gave a thumbs up.
“Like a million bucks, Pal!”
After some more touchlin’, Maggey let go and put her two fingers together in shyness. “Um… Dicky, can I ask you something? Could we… Ya know… Do it?”
“It? Ya talkin’ about playin’ Uno, Pal?!” Gumshoe laughed. “That’s my favorite game, by the way!”
“No, no… I mean… Um… Um…! Let’s have sex! Now! I want you to dick me down, Dick! It’s in your name after all!!!” Maggey blushingly blurted like a bashful banshee on the boardwalk.
“N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NOW?!” Gumshoe jumped. “Okay! Sure! Clearly we’ve both been wanting to for a while! Our sexual tension throughout the series has been palpable, so let’s take this opportunity, Pal!”
“Yay!!!” Maggey said, instantly ripping her clothes off. Literally. They were torn. Gumshoe got up off the bed and gently took off his clothes, because they were very expensive Versace wares. As he did this, Maggey laid in the middle of the bed, arms out. “Take me, my Sherlock!”
“That’s because I’m a detective! But wait… Dont’cha mean Herlock?! That’s what it is in this world!” Maggey didn’t get this, because she hadn't played The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles yet. She should though! It’s very good. They both had a laugh though, and Gumshoe crawled up towards Maggey’s gooch. And then… They started doin’ it!”
BACK IN THE PRESENT…
“Anyways, I gave that cunt a good tongue-lashin’!” Everyone besides Edgeworth who heard this exact line before, nodded in anticipation, eager to hear more. “Then I turned her over like a pancake and absolutely plowed her pussy! She must have been a beaver or somethin’ cause I was like ‘Dayum!’” Gumshoe laughed.
Apollo was rapidly taking down notes. “Oh, okay! I see! So, girls like it when you lick their twinkle! I get it!!”
Gumshoe nodded in approval. “Yeah, Pal! They do! And they especially like it if you write the whole alphabet with your tongue! Trust me, it ain’t easy, I keep getting stuck on ‘J’!” Edgeworth scoffed at this. What an amateur- He could do it in multiple alphabets, including Arabic, Chinese (Traditional), Urdu, and Hiragana, Katakana, and even like, two Kanji! Which are very hard to memorize. Girls love it when you whip out the Kanji.
Gumshoe continued; “And also, my one other bit of advice… Make sure you really like the girl, Pal!” Everyone nodded and aww’d at this. Gumshoe and Maggey’s relationship was very wholesome and sweet, after all.
Larry raised his hand afterwards. “Oh, I’ve got a bunch of stories, bro! I’m well-worn and used! Like, for example, my new girlfriend, Viola, the goth chick! After I… Deliver these weird letter things to shady businesses and buildings, she gives me a handy! Sometimes even sucks my cock! Wanna hear about how she did it the first time?! You could learn s-”
“Hey, what about you, Mr. DeLite?” Edgeworth interrupted Larry, not wanting to hear his stories or advice out of pure hatred of the man. “You have been in a married relationship the longest of us, after all.”
Ron rose up from behind the couch. “U-Um…”
“This dude’s still here?” Klavier asked, completely forgetting his presence. He was quite inebriated.
“I-I mean…” Ron stuttered and stammered. “It’s pretty personal, I dunno…”
Daryan barked; “Tell us, pussylips, you won’t!” Ron, very intimidated by Daryan’s presence, agreed to.
Ron shook the wigglies out of his system and took a deep breath. “U-Um… Okay! Well… I’ll keep it brief… It goes a little something like…”
September 12th, 2018
Desiree’s Apartment
The Bedroom
“Okay, you can do this, Ron… She’s your wife, after all! We’re married, so I don’t have to be nervous anymore! Alright!” Ron was laying atop the bed, with rose petals abound and candles lit. Dessie put them there for romantic effect. This did not make the mood any less nerve-wracking, however. Ron was butt-nekkid, his dinky dong pointing up in the air, like a NASA rocket preparing for liftoff. Dessie emerged from the bathroom in a red- Her signature color- lingerie set. It was frilly and cool. The best part? Between those legs? Exposed puss.
“Wh-Whoa!” Ron’s little hair springs erupted. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle this.
“Aw, what’s wrong, Ronnie?” Desiree asked, doing a lil’ head tilt of concern.
“I… I’m just so nervous!”
“Awww… It’s alright, Ronnie. Just let… mommy do all the work.” She winked, slowly and sexily strutting up to Ronald. After about 13 minutes of slowly jerkin’ his peeper [nursing handjob included (Ron always did like suckin’ on a teat like a newborn foal)], Desiree finally positioned herself, and her gooch, right over Ron’s rowdy rocket. It was at least 8 inches- You couldn’t fit it in a drawer even if you tried.
“Wh-Whoa! Is it time?!” Ron asked in shock.
“Yup!” Dessie winked. “I’m gonna ride you like I ride that bike of mine! So get ready, Ronnie! Vroom vroom!” She then lowered her being atop him, and put “it” in. She began riding. And boy, was it epic for a few minutes… But then, something became apparent. Something was amiss. Something, dare we say, was coming.
Ron started crying. “Dessie…!”
Dessie looked concerned as she came to a screeching halt. “What?! What is it? What’s wrong?!”
Ron’s tears intensified, as he uttered, whining and crying and sobbing; “Dessie… I have to poop!”
BACK IN THE PRESENT…
“So, um… Always use the bathroom before you do it! That’s my advice!” Ron said. “Okay! Well, I’m gonna go back behind this couch now… Bye!” Ron then did just that.
Klavier and Daryan found this story very funny, and were drunkenly chuckling away like two sailors aboard a ship that was bound for disease and death, with half of the crew not making it to the New World.
Apollo was beaming with joy. “Wow, thank you guys! Everyone’s given me such useful advice! I have it all written down so when the time comes… I’ll be ready!” Just then… Apollo got a message!
“A message?!” Phoenix exclaimed.
“Ha…! So you’re saying he got a message…!” Diego chuckled.
“Ah, a message you say?” Edgeworth asked. “I get those from time to time.”
“Yup! A message!” Apollo responded.
“So… You’re saying… he got a message!” Daryan held his finger up, thinking he was super smart for making this groundbreaking realization.
“Yup! I’ll say it looks like he got a message, Pal!” You know who would say this one, so we’re not tellin’.
“A message…? I love massages…” Klavier chuckled.
“Messages are like my shit, bro!” Larry cheered.
There were some muffled noises from behind the couch, which can only be assumed to be Ron saying something about Apollo getting a message.
Apollo whipped out the phone and read the message. What was that message, you ask? Well… “It’s from Pearl! She wants to go out on a date tomorrow! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I am so excited!” He vibrated in happiness.
“Well!” Phoenix laughed. “I’m happy for you! You better treat Pearls well, Apollo!” He gave Apollo a pat on the back. “And… Uh, Diego, just… Try and keep Mia calm on that day, ‘kay?”
“Ha…! I’ll try, Wright. You know her attitude can be more heated than a fresh pot of brew…!” Diego snickered.
Edgeworth took another sip of champagne. “Ahhh… Young love. I love to see it. This is worth celebrating!”
Gumshoe put his hands on his hips. “You’re tellin’ me, Pal! Say… We’re at a party anyways, so we can celebrate that too!”
“Yes, yes!” Edgeworth responded. “That’s a great idea! So… Everyone… The night is still young! The party is still going! So… Let’s party it up everyone!” Everyone cheered. And so they partied… And it was hearty. Party!
May 7th, 2:00 A.M.
Edgeworth’s Estate
The Balcony
The party went on until the wee hours of the morning. The party ended up a big hit- They went through the entire Die Hard saga, and all the champagne- And all the party-goers were exhausted, asleep on Edgeworth’s furniture and floor after such a great night. Some even atop eachother, huddled up for warmth like two penguins in the Antarctic chill. All were asleep except two…
Gumshoe stood outside on the balcony, looking at the beautiful night sky. Edgeworth, with a cup of chamomile tea in his hand, walked out, placing his it atop the balcony fence. The stars blanketed the night sky.
“Oh, Gummy! Looking at the night sky, I presume?” Edgeworth sipped on his tea. He took a little sippy-sip, if you will.
“Yeah, Pal! I’m just relaxing after that wild and crazy bash! I tell ya…I feel edified! It was perfect! I’m so glad you put this shindig together!”
“Oh, no worries, Detective. I’m just glad to have made your day ever so bright. And, nice callback on the saying of the word ‘edified.’ Very clever, very cool.”
“Yeah… And… In a week from today, I’m gonna be a married man, Pal! It’s gonna be the happiest day of my life!”
“Ah, yes… And thanks to those two bumbling oafs, the decor will be perfect! The wedding was saved from total destruction. So all you must do is relax, and let us make everything perfect for you.” Edgeworth smiled, taking another proud sippy-sip.
Gumshoe smiled warmly at his friend, ally, boss, employer, but most importantly… His pal. He put his big chunkin’ arm around Edgeworth’s shoulder, bringing him in for a big side hug.
“Thanks, Pal! Means the world to me. And I promise, I’ll always be your number one detective!”
The two continued to converse under the night sky for hours. As they did so, their rang an optimistic air of matrimonial bliss. Gumshoe was ready to tie the knot, knowing now that everything on the horizon was happy and bright.
Chapter 46: Apollo and Pearl's Big Date!
Summary:
A few days before the wedding, and while excitement is high for Gumshoe and Maggey's knot-tying, love continues to blossom elsewhere! Apollo and Trucy's date begins, and what awaits them? You'll just have to find out.
Notes:
This is the least horny chapter.
Chapter Text
May 10th, 3:25 P.M.
Wright Anything Agency
The Boss’s Office
T’was a sunny day in the Wright Anything Agency. Days thrice before the wedding, and everyone was abound with anticipation and excitement. In fact… Phoenix was just getting off the phone with Miles. Something was amiss! And Wright knew that there was only one man for the job he needed.
“Oh, Apollo~!” Phoenix called out in a sing-song manner. Apollo sprung out from his TV-watching chair and dashed up to Phoenix’s office. He gave a mighty salute.
“Yes, Mr. Wright, SIR! What is it, SIR?!” Apollo saluted once more.
Phoenix leaned forward, resting his arm on his very messy desk. “So, Apollo, as you know… Gumshoe and Maggey’s wedding is in but three days! And, somehow, ‘Master Wedding Planner’ Miles Edgeworth doesn’t have a ring bearer. But… He called me, and wanted me to ask you if you would like that position!”
Apollo gasped. Stars entered his eyes. “The… The ring bear?! Like Gooby!? Oh, of course, Mr. Wright! I’ve always wanted to be one!” Phoenix wondered if Apollo meant a ring bearer or just a bear. Either way, it didn’t matter, because Apollo was on board.
“Good!” Phoenix clapped, then taking a sip of his mug, filled to the brim with Godot Blend #7: Classic Reprint Edition. “Say…” Phoenix pointed. “Isn’t today your date with Pearls?”
“Yeah! It is! That’s why I’m all dressed up! See!?” Apollo said gesturing to himself, wearing the exact same red-vested suit he always wears. Phoenix said nothing to this, but knew he had to do some scouting in case there was any required damage control if Mia picked up on any shenanigans.
“Well, uh, where’re ya rascals going?” Phoenix asked.
“Oh, uh… Well! I was thinking… We were gonna go to Chunky Cheese! I love that place! And Pearl’s never been, because of her sheltered upbringing!” Apollo smiled. Phoenix nearly spit out his joe.
“Hmm… Are you sure about that?”
“YUH-HUH!” Apollo rapidly nodded.
“Well, uh… I’d suggest you two go to somewhere like Providence, the most expensive restaurant in Los Angeles, but… Well, I don’t have much money, so, uh, go for it. Here’s $20.” Phoenix tossing it to the boy, who caught it without fail. Just then, the familiar Guilty Love honk echoed through the streets. His ride, nay, his chauffeur was here and now.
“Ooh! Gee, thanks Mr. Wright! Mr. Gavin’s here, he’s gonna drive us! Gotta blast!” Apollo said, waving at Phoenix. He ran out of the room, gathering Pearl, sitting on the adjacent TV chair to Apollo’s. He grabbed her hand, and began to speed off.
“Bye you two! Don’t go too crazy out there!” Phoenix said. And after a few minutes, with nobody else in the office knowing he had about an hour or two - Maya was off getting her nails done with Mia, and Diego… Who knows, maybe hunting more boars. He picked that up as a hobby. Thus, Phoenix shut the blinds, locked the door, turned on his computer, and looked around to ensure he truly was all alone. “Well… Looks like it’s you and me, old buddy.” And then… He proceeded to play Solitaire.
May 10th, 3:30 P.M.
Wright Anything Agency
The Outside
Apollo and Pearl dashed up to Klavier, who honked his horn thrice. “How are you two crazy kids doin’?” Klavier asked, removing his helm for a moment. His shirt was practically wide open (safety hazard), and his clavicle, neck, pecs, and the like were all littered with hickies (You’ll never guess what happened). Klav winked at them.
“Oh! We’re doing great! This is… Our first official date!” Apollo said, him and Pearl looking at each other, smiling.
“Ah… Young love, viel spaß.” Klavier sighed. “Love to see it. So, who’s ridin’ in the side car?”
Apollo raised his hand. “Me me me me me me me me me me me me me-”
Klavier raised his hands.“Alright, I got it, hot-shot. The little lady sits behind me. Hold on tight, don’t want you flying away in the wind because of how feeble and weak you are!” He tossed Pearl a helmet, who ascended onto the bike.
“I’ve never ridden on a bike before! And yeah, I’ll hold on tight! I weigh that but naught of a feather!” Pearl squee’d. “Oh man, I’m so excited!”
Apollo fastened his helmet on and his little seatbelt. “Oh boy, me too! Now… Let’s go! To Chunky Cheese!” Klavier blinked a few times, taken a bit aback.
“Uh… ‘Kay? That’s… That’s the spot?” he asked. “Really?”
“Yeah!” Apollo responded.
“Of course!” Pearl smiled. “I’ve never been!”
Klavier sucked in air with a long pause. After this long pause, he merely said; “Okay.” And with finesse, stuck the keys in the ignition, as Guilty Love began to blast. In honor of his favorite game, Bayonetta, he yelled, as he often does; “Time to go VROOM!” as he sped off into the streets towards Chunky Cheese.
May 10th, 3:47 P.M.
Chunky Cheese
After Klavier dropped Apollo and Pearl off, the two stood in front of Chunky Cheese. “Well… Here we are!” Apollo said, gesturing to the building, complete with large anthropomorphic mouse symbolism.
Pearl’s eyes were glistening as she jumped up and down.“I’m so excited! I’ve always heard of this mystical abode but never got the chance to go as a kid because my mother said the animatronics were the work of the devil!”
Apollo smiled, “My dead dad said the same thing!” And with that they linked arms and walked in.
Inside, they were instantly bombarded with intense flashing lights, primary colors, and the screams… the screams of the children… And of course, loud, peppy music!
“Whoooaaaaa!” The two yelled in unison. It was magical, and clearly, the perfect place for those of Pearl and Apollo’s mental capacities. They skipped up to the front desk, hand in hand, where, upon crossing, they were stamped with the identifying Chunky Cheese Stamp of Approval, allowing them to be let in. Their first step? Snacks. Gotta be on a full stomach for the nonstop action that awaited them!
They sat on a table after ordering a hot-a pizza pie (That Apollo paid for with his own hard-earned cash! He wanted to save Wright’s $20 for something important). After some moments, a poor, poor, underpaid teenage employee delivered their pizza. It was half pepperoni, half cheese. But something was off about it…
“Huh!” Pearl pointed out. “All of these slices are different sizes!”
Apollo held up his. “Huh… Yeah! Mine’s a triangle!”
“Apollo… They’re all triangles, silly! I mean… Look! This slice doesn’t even match the crust! It’s almost as if this has been shoddily put together by scraps of pizza that the children from minutes before didn’t eat!” Pearl said, pondering this potential pizza possibility.
Apollo took a big bite nonetheless, and began; “I don’t think we should worry about it! This is a renowned establishment, after all!” Pearl nodded in agreement - Apollo was right, how could a place this amazing do something so… So mean? T’was impossible, she thought.
They kept eating, and drinking their single pitcher of Pepsi that they shared with two swirly straws. After about ⅓ of the pie was consumed, Pearl put her hands on her face.
“Soooo… Tell me about yourself!” Pearl giggled. She always wanted to say that line.
“Um… Well, okay, I’m Apollo Justice, I’m fine! I’m a lawyer who works for the Wright Anything Agency… And-”
“I already know those things, silly! Tell me something, like… You know, you’ve never told anyone before!”
Apollo thought to himself. “Oh! Okay! Well, how about my biggest secret?!”
“Your biggest secret?!” Pearl gasped.
“Yes! My biggest secret! It’s really embarrassing, so you can’t tell anyone! Especially not Mr. Wright! Pinky promise!” Apollo said, pointing his pinky out much like he would his index finger in a court of law setting. Pearl landed her pinky upon his, nodding - And the promise was now sealed, as according to the laws of God and man, which Pearl and Apollo did indeed follow.
“Well…” Apollo began. “The truth is… When I was a little baby… They cut a bit of skin off my thing!” He said, clearly sweating and wringing his hands. He’s never told anyone this secret before. Pearl gasped.
“R-Really?!” She blushed profusely. With all the fanfiction she’s read over the years, she grew to prefer men who were cut. This was nothing but good news.
“Yeah! I know!!!” Apollo said. “Crazy, right?! I mean, who does that?! I wonder what they did with it?!” He thought very deeply to himself. “So you see… I’m probably a weirdo...” He sighed.
“Um… You’re not weird! A lot of boys get it!” Pearl said. “Approximately 58.3% of all newborn boys in the US as of 2010!”
“Whoa! That’s like… 20 years ago! I wonder how it is now?!” Apollo yelled. “Well, either way, I thought I was a freak loser for having that! I’m glad I’m normal!” He said, smiling, and adjusting his tie. Pearl smiled warmly.
“Yeah! And, I think it’s pretty cool! I mean, have you ever seen an uncut thing? They look weird! I don’t like it!” Pearl said, pouting. “So, the fact that my boyfriend fits my exact preferences makes me very happy!”
Apollo nodded joyously. “Yeah! Having a girlfriend is so cool! I am excited!” He pumped his hands out in the air. Pearl yelled and cheered. This drew the attention of children and parents alike. I mean, seriously, get a load of these freaks!
Pearl looked around. “Welllll… Now that we’re done eating, what say we go to… What’s that big thing over there?!” She pointed to the central monument of ball pits, tubes, and slides.
“That’s the Playscape!” Apollo said.
“Well… Should we go?! Can we go!?” Pearl asked excitedly. Apollo got up and held his hand out to help her up.
“I thought you’d never ask!”
May 10th, 4:15 P.M.
Chunky Cheese
The Playscape
Pearl and Apollo ripped off their shoes, placing them in the cubbyhole. Their first stop? The Ball Pit. They ran into it, jumping and playing around as miniature humans ran amok with frivolity.
“Wow! There’s so many balls!” Pearl squee’d. “In Kurain Village, I was lucky enough to have one! Just one ball!” She looked around and noticed something, however. And it wasn’t from her eyes… But her nose. She gave a big sniff. “This… This ball pit smells weird though! And the balls are kinda sticky! Hmm.” This was a very curious locale indeed, filled with even curiouser sensations. But Apollo thought nothing of it, and was splish-splashing around.
“Hey Pearl! Check this out!” Apollo yelled. But… He was nowhere to be seen! Pearl began to panic - Did she lose Apollo!?
“A-Apollo!?” Pearl asked, worriedly. After some seconds of an unspecified amount, Apollo burst out from beneath the balls.
“Here I am!” Apollo yelled. Pearl gasped and glomped him in relief, causing the both of them to tumble deeper into the bally depths of the pit. The two laughed and laughed and laughed some more. After more ballyhoo, the two got up, and looked up at the maze-like tower before them: The tubes.
Apollo pointed up there. “Pearl… You think, if we go up there… We’ll defeat our e- I mean, find something cool?!”
Pearl peered up at the pipelines. “Yeah, actually! In fact, I think I see Mr. Armando up there!” As they looked up closer at the tubes’ windows, he was, in fact, there. He was crawling around like that of a young boy, or perhaps, a secret military agency’s green beret lieutenant poised in some tactical espionage action.
“Ha…!” Diego said to himself. “This is just like Metal Gear…!”
Apollo and Pearl continued to watch him crawl around, traversing the pipes. “I wonder what he’s doing up there? Maybe he’s on a special mission!” Pearl hopped up and down.
“Yeah! Well, maybe we shouldn’t go up there now so as to not disturb him! So let’s go play some games in the GameZone instead!” Apollo said. “After all… You can’t ruin a special mission! And I don’t think the writers have much to say about us crawling in some tubes! Even if it would be fun…” Pearl understood and nodded at this, though disappointed she couldn’t traverse the tubular tubes, she was excited for the prospect of games. The two grabbed their shoes. “Oh!” Apollo remembered.
“Hmm?” Pearl asked, tilting her head towards her new boy toy, who was disappointingly not named Troy, nor did he once live in Detroit.
“We have to check the ticket counter first! Obviously we can’t play games without having our eyes on the prize!” Apollo said.
“Oh… Okay! Let’s see what they have!” Pearl said.
The two walked up to the ticket counter, and looked around. There were various wares, like sticky hands, those funny walking teeth toys, Tootsie rolls, bouncy balls, Drake and Josh for the Nintendo DS. Nothing caught their fancy, but then Apollo and Pearl looked up- and there they saw it.
“A…A… A giant purple gorilla?!” Apollo and Pearl gasped in unison. “We need it! We need it!!!”
A pissy-looking teenage boy employee turned around towards them. “10,000 tickets for the gorilla… But… Don’t think you’ll even have a chance. It’s been sitting there for years now, probably… Nobody can earn 10,000 tickets in a day… Just too difficult. So why don’t you two give up while you’re ahead so I don’t have to waste my time with you people…”
This caused Pearl to tear up. “Wh-Wha… But I want the purple gorilla… Purple is my favorite… Y-you meanie…!”
Apollo sighed. “Yeah… I guess 10,000 tickets is pretty hard to get… Maybe we’ll just go for the teeth…”
Pearl rolled up her sleeves, punching her hands together. “You know what, stranger who’s unnecessarily mean to us?! I think we are gonna get 10,000 tickets! And we are gonna win! And we’re gonna get that gorilla!” Hearing his cute and epic girlfriend say these words, Apollo got fired up.
“Yeah! We are gonna get it! So…” He slapped the clean $20 that Phoenix gave him onto the desk. Finally, that $20 could be used for something important, as stated previously. This is what we in the trade call Chekhov’s Gun. “I want the 105 token savers deal, please!”
The employee scoffed, depositing 105 tokens in a little cup, and handed it to Apollo. “Good luck, kid… You’re gonna need it.”
“Actually, I’m 26!” Apollo corrected. “Come on Pearl! We have some tickets to win!” Pearl and Apollo made their march towards the GameZone with vigor and determination.
May 10th, 4:37 P.M.
Chunky Cheese
The GameZone
Apollo and Pearl’s first plan of action was to find the most lucrative ticket-earner in the bunch. They found that some dumb block game was most efficient, so they sat in the chairs, earning approximately 7,200 tickets in this manner. However, things weren’t over yet, and… Despite being super skilled at this game, they were nearly out of tokens!
“We only have three left…” Apollo said, looking down. Pearl grabbed his hand.
“Apollo… What if we try… The wheel?”
The two looked behind them. There it was, a big wheel with an even bigger jackpot. That jackpot was so large that it wasn’t even displayed. But… It was their last chance, and they had to take it.
“It’s worth a shot! By Gooby, I’m gonna win that prize! Come on, Pearl!” Apollo said, holding her hand as he walked towards the wheel. Token one went in, and he made the spin… A mere 9 tickets spilled out.
“Only nine…” Pearl said, gathering them one by one. She was the dedicated ticket holder, and the bunch was getting quite hard to hold. “Let’s try again!”
“Yeah!” Apollo nodded, depositing his second to last token. Pearl was tense, vibrating to keep all her energy in check. Apollo, with his chiseled arms, spun the wheel a second time. The prize was larger, but not sufficient. 290 tickets poured out, bringing them up to 7,499.
“By my count… That means we need 2,501 more!” Pearl said. She had been counting the tickets this entire time, writing down totals and adding things up. “So… That means we have one more shot to get them! And we need to take it!”
Apollo began to sweat, but a wave of determination filled his jugular. “Yeah… It’s all down to this! We’ve beaten this system harder than anyone could ever expect! 7,499 tickets in a mere 104 tokens?! It’s unheard of! So… Even if the odds are against us… We’ve done it before! We have to try! And if we fail, we can just buy a bunch of Tootsie Rolls! So… Come on, Pearl! Let’s take this one last spin together!”
Apollo inserted the final token that he had. The lights on the wheel lit up, and it yelled at the two to spin, beckoning them. Pearl looked at Apollo, and Apollo looked at Pearl. They nodded, going “Mm!” and put one hand each on the wheel. They made a mighty spin, and it spun for 15 seconds straight.
“Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please…!” Pearl said, praying to the spirits.
“By JFK, by Gooby, by Robocop… Come on!” Apollo yelled. The wheel stopped… Right on the jackpot space. Strobe lights blasted their eyeballs, and a million different sounds played in celebration as tickets began to spew out of the machine at an impeccable speed. It was truly like a bukkake of tickets raining down on this couple.
“YEEEEAAAAHHHH BABY!!!” Pearl gutturally yelled, as loud as she ever had before, capturing the tickets in her hands. Apollo cheered, giving Pearl a big hug.
After gathering all the tickets, Apollo looked at the markedly larger stack. “This is surely more than enough to get the giant purple gorilla! We might even be able to buy a Tootsie Roll too! Maybe even funny walking teeth!”
“Yeah! We don’t even need to count this!” Pearl squee’d. “Let’s go turn these bad boys in!”
The two walked to the ticket and prize counter, where the employee who gave them shit earlier stood, crossing his arms and vaping an Anejo Breeze pen, perfect for the vaper who wants to live on the edge. “Heh… So you finally made it here. I’ve been waiting for this. Waiting to see you lose! Shove them in the mouse machine. Go on! I’m waiting!”
Pearl gritted her teeth in frustration. “Just you wait! We won the jackpot, so we have more than enough!”
“Heh… We’ll see about that.” The employee said, puffing vapors in their faces. Apollo didn’t like this! This guy was such a jerk for no reason, and if there was one thing Apollo hated, it was mean people!
“You’re really cramping my steeze!” Apollo pointed. “Go on, Pearl! Put the ‘tix in there!”
Pearl nodded, as she diligently started to feed the machine the tickets. This lasted for about 10 minutes, as the counter slowly rose by the thousands. It began to slow down in the 9,900s- It was gonna be close.
“Come on…!” Pearl grunted.
“Oh please, by my granny’s left shoe…!” Apollo clenched his fists. But… What happened was not what they expected in the slightest.
9,999 tickets.
“Hah!” The employee scoffed. “Hahahahahahahaha!” he laughed, pointing at them. “Looks like you’re one short, huh!? I knew you posers couldn’t do it! Hah! Kiss my taint, bro! Oh, god, I’m gonna die here!” As he continued to laugh and laugh and laugh some more, running out of breath from the popcorn lung he’s acquired from years of vaping. Pearl and Apollo were silent. This was the ultimate defeat. The ultimate despair. Tears began welling up in Pearl’s eyes, and Apollo couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t stand to see her cry. But… What could he even do!?
“I… I don’t know what to do… Oh, shucks…” Apollo looked down, kicking the dust off the floor. But, as he sank further into this despair, a glimmer of hope shined beneath his shoe. “H-Hey, Pearl…”
“Huh…” Pearl said, as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “Wh… What is that?”
“Look! It’s… It’s one last ticket!” Apollo bent over, grabbing it. Pearl instantly sucked the tear back into her eye. “So… So we have exactly enough!” Apollo exclaimed.
“WHAT?!” The employee dropped his vape, crashing to the ground. “I… Come the fuck on, man! I was supposed to be the winner! I was gonna be better than you! I’m the boy who wins!” He pounded his fist on the counter, crying. Pearl sassily shoved the final ticket in the machine, as an even 10,000 showed up on the screen. She cocked an eyebrow as the receipt printed.
Pearl slammed it down right in front of this kid’s dumb, ugly, acne-infested face.
Pearl pointed at the giant purple gorilla. “I’ll have one giant purple gorilla, please!” The employee conceded, throwing the gigantic, 4’6” tall purple gorilla (The exact same size as Pearl!) at the two. Pearl could barely even hold it, but it was so cool. And awesome.
“Thank you!” Apollo smiled, as he and Pearl linked hands once more. “Well! That was a fun two hours! What say we blow this popsicle stand!? I’ll text Klavier!” He said, as him and Pearl exited the establishment.
“Have a nice day… Bitch…” The employee said under his breath, watching the two skip out as happy as a bee in a flowering field in the springtime breeze. It was obvious he was but a virgin with rage, merely projecting his frustrations of the inability to obtain a female partner known as a “boyfriend-free girl.”
May 10th, 5:30 PM
Chunky Cheese
The Parking Lot
The two emerged from the building, purple gorilla in hand. “Wow… That was… Honestly the best day of my entire life!” Pearl jumped up and down. She set the gorilla down, and hugged Apollo harder than she’s ever hugged anyone before.
“Even happier than the day your big cousin got resurrected from the eternal nothingness of the afterlife!?” Apollo asked, hugging her back.
“Well… Did Mystic Mia’s resurrection have a giant purple gorilla?” Pearl asked, nuzzling close to Apollo’s chest.
Apollo’s eyes widened “Wait… You’re right!” He realized that Mia’s resurrection did not, in fact, include a giant purple gorilla, making this a true contender for best day of Pearl’s life. As Pearl released herself from Apollo, she held her hands behind her, and blushed a little.
“Well, ummm… Now, what do you say we take this to the next level?” Pearl said.
“Uh-Um…!” Apollo froze, turning redder than parts of the suit on his back. His ahoge became stiffer than an icicle in December. This could only mean one thing- The fabled intercourse that he talked about with the boys. “Like… The next level?” He stuttered.
“Yuh-huh! You know what I mean…” Pearl giggled.
Apollo’s mind, in a split second, was filling up with all the advice he was given. “N-n-n-n-next level…?!” All of the advice began to play through his head at a rapid speed. “Uhhhhhh…” He said out loud. “Okay, Apollo…” He thought to himself, frantically. “Number one! Be sure to inspect every last suspicious nook and cranny! Be in the right place at the right time! Read chapter 9 of the Endless Turnabout! Uh… Write the alphabet with your tongue! Uh, uh… Night time is the right time for lovin’! But also sometimes in the afternoon! Uh…Poop… Poop before you do anything! Uh-”
“Yeah! Get ice cream, silly!” Pearl giggled. “That’s obviously the next level of any date!”
Apollo instantly snapped out of his daze. “Oh! Iced cream! That’s the second part of a date! How could I forget?! I was thinking of the third stage. Yeah, let’s go!”
“Yay!!!” Pearl cheered. “The day’s still young, Apollo! I can’t wait to spend it all with you!” She gave him a little peck on the cheek. This was the first time Apollo had ever been kissed on the cheek by someone who wasn’t his mother or, like, that funny guy who raised him for a while.
“YOWZA!” Apollo exclaimed.
Just then, Klavier pulled up with impeccable timing, making a sick drift-brake. “Alright… You crazy kids ready to ride?” The two cheered, getting on his bike, giant purple gorilla in tow. They sped off into the streets of L.A., where an ice-creamy fate awaited them. Apollo and Pearl’s relationship was only to blossom further from here, but… Enough of that for now, for the real plot awaited in a mere few days. The Wedding.
Chapter 47: The Wedding
Summary:
Conclusion of Part III: The Restful Turnabout.
Dick Gumshoe and Maggey Byrde are finally to be wed as Edgeworth's Blue-Badger-Themed wedding has finally come to fruition. Major celebrations ensue! But... Could it be the last celebration they have for a while?
Notes:
This chapter's pretty hung!
Chapter Text
May 11th, 11:00 A.M.
The Vibiana
Main Chapel
“No, no! I told you to move that vase to the south side of the room! Ugh, must I do everything for this wedding myself!?” Edgeworth said, tapping his foot, dressed in a very sleek, velvety Blue Badger blue tux (with a yellow tie, to match). The wedding was to begin in but an hour, and the final touches were being put in place.
“Ah, man! Fine, I’ll move it again!” Daryan griped, bear-hug holding the vase. He, too, was- as were all the groomsmen and bridesmaids to be, wearing blue with yellow accents. Except, his suit jacket was not buttoned, as to show a way to demonstrate his rebellious nature and lack of regard for social norms. Ema, clipboard in hand, stoof behind Edgeworth, being his official check-list girl and secretary. She was now on payroll, in fact, making taxable income from her work hours at the High Prosecutor’s Office, and even this. She rolled her eyes.
“Um… Where’s that glimmerous fop? He should be helping move things…” Ema grumbled.
Edgeworth looked at her. “Hmm. Curious… I know he’s already tuned the band equipment… Uh, last I knew, he’s been in the men’s room.”
May 11th, 11:01 A.M.
The Vibiana
Men’s Room
Klavier stood at the counter, peering into the mirror of the bathroom. His makeup bag’s contents were littered across it. One shaky hand held his eyeliner pen, as he tried his damndest to apply it. But no matter what he did, it was but a futile effort. He just couldn’t get that perfect wing! Mascara bled a blackened tear (oh) down his cheeks.
“I can’t get it right!!! I’m so fucked up!!!”
He sobbed loudly, hammering the bathroom counter with his fist, clenched with frustration and anguish.
May 11th, 11:02 A.M.
The Vibiana
Main Chapel
“Oh well…” Edgeworth shrugged. “I know he won't miss this, so he'll show up eventually.” Ema scoffed, muttering Japanese curse words she learned off the internet.
“Hey, Pal!” Gumshoe bellowed, entering the main hall with two very long pole-like items under his arm. “Check these out! I found ‘em in the closet!” Gumshoe proudly placed them down.
“Um… Gummy, what are those?” Edgeworth pointed.
“Tiki torches!” Gummy proclaimed with pride. “I think they’ll really tie the room together!”
“Oh. Oh no…” Edgeworth said, a single sweat drop forming behind his hair.
“Aw…” Gumshoe looked a bit down-trodden. “You don’t like ‘em?” He cocked his head like a sad dog.
Edgeworth began to stammer; “Um… Well, eh, uh… um. Hmm. Gumshoe! To be frank. The wedding is about to start in one hour! We can’t be making such extreme decor changes on such a short notice! And besides… Isn’t that a fire hazard?”
Gumshoe scoffed. “Nah… I even got the fuel for ‘em! It’s only two! Come on! For me? I know Maggey’ll love ‘em too! She loves tiki torches! Who doesn’t!?”
Edgeworth exhaled deeply, “Well… I do like a good tiki torch once or twice… Fine, just place them… Wherever you desire, my good man.” Gumshoe jumped up and down in joy and glee, placing the torches by the large arch leading up to where Maggey and Gumshoe would seal their fate with a kiss.
“Ohoho boy! It really compliments the huge Blue Badger sitting atop the arch!” Gumshoe pointed. “I mean look at ‘im! He’s so cute!” Edgeworth and Ema looked up at the dead-eyed Blue Badger, sitting there, peering through them. They shuddered.
Ema tapped her pen on her clipboard. “Well, Gumshoe, you might want to get back to the room, the guests are going to get here in about half an hour, and they’re gonna help you get ready.” She said. “And besides… If you’ll excuse us, we have much to make sure of.” She said, peering once more at the clipboard. Gumshoe nodded and ran out to his preparation chamber.
“Okay… So the vase is in place…” Edgeworth said to himself, noting that Daryan finally did something right for once. “Ms. Skye, could you confirm that the checklist is complete?
“Well… Let’s see.” Ema said, flipping back a page. “Okay. So we’ve got the band, we’ve got our catering from Wolfgang Puck Catering, the most expensive catering service in L.A. for the main event, the Delite Deli, and Charity Jackson’s Louisiana Cookin’. Done there. Decorations are up in here and the dining hall… Hmm! The only thing that’s left missing is…”
“The priest… Yes?” A mystery man said, behind Edgeworth and Ema. They both turned around frantically.
“Wha-”
There he stood… The Priest! But, this was no ordinary priest. He was quite the old gentleman with a cool earring-monocle, bushy mustache, and- Most strikingly- a distinct scar down the center of his face. Edgeworth pointed at him. “Ah… Ah! It’s you! I know you… You’re Shelly De K-
The priest placed a finger over Edgeworth’s mouth, “No no… I am not currently going by that name. I am simply… Shelly De Priest.”
“You’re the priest?!”
“Hmmhmmhmm…” De Priest snickered nefariously. “Why yes, I am one of the premier wedding officiant priests in this local area. In fact, you called Wedding Officiants R Us the other day to request the most expensive and talented priest you could buy. And… Well, he is I and I am he.”
Edgeworth stroked his chin in suspicion. “I… I don’t trust this. Are you sure you’re just here to wed Mr. Gumshoe?”
“But of course, sir. I hold no ill will towards you. After all, if it wasn’t for you, well… I’d not have found that wretch Simon Keyes. It’s quite the shame Dogen and that interpol agent had to stop me from administering the final blow. But alas… I am now but a humble priest until my other services are needed once more.” Shelly bowed in a formal manner, walking away from the little altar. “I’ll be ready when needed.”
“God…” Edgeworth sighed.
“You know that guy?” Ema questioned, concernedly.
Edgeworth shook his head. “Oh, no, don’t worry about it. It’s a long story… But, anywho, as everything is checked off now, the time is near! Let us be ready to greet the guests when they arrive.” He clapped. “Oh, this is to be a success of a wedding indeed!”
May 11th, 11:30 A.M.
The Vibiana
Entrance Hall
The doors of the Vibiana opened to the guests, and everyone began to be ushered in. First? Phoenix, Maya, Apollo, Trucy, Pearl, and a special guest…
“Oh boy, I’m so excited!” Apollo cheered, in his dapper little suit. “I’ve never been to a wedding before! And I get to be the ring bear!”
“Oh, I’m going to eat SO many hors d'oeuvres!” Trucy said. She was even wearing a matching hat to go with her dress (after a good thirty minutes of Phoenix trying to strongarm Edgeworth into allowing her to wear it). Maya piped up.
“Me too, girl! I’m gonna eat SOOOO much food!”
“I probably will eat some amount of food, but less than you guys because I’m small and have a small stomach!” Pearl said, excitedly, fulfilling a certain set of rules.
Phoenix, thinking he was quite stylin’ in his suit (which made him consider wearing light blue more often), plug walked into the venue with his gang of goofs. “Why, hello there, best friend and rival, Miles Edgeworth!” Phoenix held out his hand. Edgeworth, being the host and greeter of this wedding clutched Wright’s hand and the two had a firm, formal handshake as there was no time to do the secret one.
Edgeworth, still shaking Wright’s hand, gave his shoulder a smack. “Ah! Hello, Wright! I see you’re finally on time and punctual!”
“Didn’t want to send you into a catatonic state again, buddy!” Phoenix winked.
Edgeworth stood back, holding his arms out. “And welcome to you all! Mr. Justice, the Feys two, Trucy Wright, and… Um. What is that?” Edgeworth pointed at the mysterious item Pearl was holding onto (barely able to, we should add).
Pearl held out the gigantic purple gorilla out towards Edgeworth. “Oh! It’s Giant Purple Gorilla!” She cheered. “We won him at Chunky Cheese yesterday!” She beamed with a bright smile on her face. Giant Purple Gorilla (which was his legal name) was wearing a suit tailored just for him in the night prior. Pearl and Trucy spent all night making it. It was a little shoddy, but matched the Blue Badger decor. And, it was quite cute after all.
Edgeworth stared at Giant Purple Gorilla for a moment, quite taken aback that this young woman thought this thing was worthy of being a guest at such a prestigious event. However, it was Pearl, and who could say no to that face? He then shrugged, and began; “Erm… Yes… Giant Purple Gorilla. He… He can stay, I suppose… Well, make yourselves at home, the ceremony is to begin in an hour and a half. So, feel free to snack on some sammies, but if you designated bridesmaids, in about fifteen minutes, can go to Maggey’s preparation chambers and help out with her finishing touches, makeup and all, that would be much appreciated. Men, the same goes for you. Get Gummy’s confidence up, you know?”
Phoenix nodded. “Alrighty, sounds like a plan. But first… I heard Charity Jackson’s Louisiana Cookin’ is in the house! I gotta get me a piece of chicky first!” He said, beginning to walk off towards the food.
Maya raised her hand. “Um! I’m eating first! Teehee!” She giggled, running towards them, beginning an epic race between the two. They loved being competitive like this, in nearly all situations of life. The rest of the gang dispersed as more guests began to arrive.
Mia and Diego were next, arm in arm. Diego even changed his visor color to a brilliant pastel blue and yellow combo! Though he could still only see red! Edgeworth was quite pleased with this. Mia’s dress was quite nearly unable to contain the sheer magnitude of her gargantuan gonga gazonga gob-stoppers. Diego wasn’t complaining though. He loved ‘em both like they were his own (Though, maybe the rightie a little bit more).
Afterwards, came the chief of police, and his top 30 men who were Gumshoe’s closest allies in the force. A couple of them were only here for some grub, and had never even heard of the great detective Gumshoe! But they just thought it would be a nice way to get away from work for a bit. Another such guest was one Jake Marshall. Gumshoe always liked the guy, even if their encounters were brief. He was wearing a special Blue Badger poncho and hat.
Of course, as for guests who had already arrived earlier, Ron and Desiree were there, bringing their delicious sammies along with them. And who could forget Tyrome Jackson and his wife Charity? Phoenix and Trucy personally made sure Edgeworth invited them for their delicious Louisiana cookin’, and for the fact that Tyrome Jackson can tear it up on the dance floor with his signature move: The Crab.
Finally, and most importantly… The guest of dishonor himself... Larry Butz?! Donned in a Blue Badger costume- the last of its kind, from his days at Gatewater Land. As much as Edgeworth didn’t want him here, this suit was an invaluable commodity, as Maggey specifically requested to be walked down the aisle by a Blue Badger, as neither she nor Gumshoe had any canonical family to speak of. Interestingly, Viola, who had been his supposed girlfriend, was missing from his side. Edgeworth thought nothing of it, though.
“Ha-hey!!!” Larry gave a big chunky thumbs-up in his suit.
Edgeworth crossed his arms. “Mr. Butz… I assume you’re ready for the event? Like we practiced during the rehearsal that happened off-page?” Edgeworth questioned. No, we did not forget to upload a wedding rehearsal chapter akin to how we forgot to upload the wedding planning one; we just simply did not want to as it had no bearing on the actual story.
Larry gave Edgeworth some chunky finger-guns. “Born ready! Except the night I lost my virginity to one of my friends’ moms in a bar that one night! Heh.” Edgeworth didn’t know this, but found it an interesting and very telling insight into Larry’s past.
“Well… Good. Just make sure you’re ready for when she walks out. It should be quite soon…” Edgeworth said, checking his watch. “Quite soon, in fact!” Larry nodded, plopping on his Blue Badger head, and muffling something that could only be assumed to be something of general agreement and enthusiasm.
Edgeworth took a quick look at his watch. “Oh! Almost 11:45! I must get things ready at the altar… Everyone’s here, the bridesmaids and the groomsmen are all at attention… The climax is nearing its birth! Ohohoho, this wedding I’ve devised shall be very nice, and a great success at that! Ahahaha, I may even hi-five myself! And I will! Hi-five!” Edgeworth proceeded to hi-five himself. “God, I am just like Borat!” He yelled, getting looks from the non-important guests in this wedding. He then proceeded to skip off towards the altar, but not before giving Gumshoe a little words of encouragement in the men’s preparation chamber…
May 11th, 11:45 AM
The Vibiana
Groom’s Preparation Chamber
Gumshoe sat at a chair by a mirror, nervously adjusting his cute little yellow bowtie to perfectly match his pastel blue tux. All the other men were mumbling, getting themselves as right as they could. Phoenix and Daryan were both putting equal amounts of grease in their hair, in fact relating to each other at a personal level for the first time because of this. Diego was drinking a bit of last-minute coffee, admiring his perfectly grown stubble. Klavier, finally perfecting his makeup, made sure he barely even moved to disturb it. But of course, Apollo, the famed ring bear, was not present, as he was getting prepared with the coveted rings of marital bliss.
Edgeworth entered the room, a little frantic, yet cool as a cucumber. “So, how’s everyone doing? Are we almost ready for the ceremony?”
Everyone nodded, except for Gumshoe. “Oh… Oh gosh, I’m so nervous Pal! I’ve been trying to be perfect this entire time! And I dunno… Oh god, I might fail, Pal!” His arms were like jelly. “What if I trip and fall and die?!”
“Oh, Gummy…” Edgeworth rested his face in his hand, doing a light chuckle. “That won’t happen. Not on my watch. Now, Ms.- Soon to be Mrs. Byrde? Well, no guarantees on her safety…” He chuckled. “But I’m sure everything will be fine! She certainly won’t die in a horrible fire-related accident or anything! Hahaha!”
“She’s totally gonna fuck it up…” Daryan muttered, rolling his eyes.
“Dude! That doesn’t help, ja?” Klavier effectively muttered, barely moving his lips because he didn’t want to disturb the integrity of his lipstick.
Daryan chuckled. “Ha! Well, I’m the kind of guy who laughs at epic wedding fails! Not like I want it to happen, but… I mean, it’d be funny.” he crossed his arms.
Diego peered at Daryan with a piercing judgemental stare. “Now you listen here, boy. You clearly don’t understand the value of marriage. When I found out my kitten died… Oh. It was the worst. I always imagined tying the knot… Maybe even having a couple little niños or niñas… So, keep your mouth shut and be supportive of the ol’ Dick. Or else… I know my way around a sword. Be careful, bucko.”
Daryan blinked a bit, somewhat intimidated, but then merely chuckled. “I also know my way around a sword! Ha HA!” Then, he went back to filing his nails. Does he file his nails? Sure, why not.
“Listen, Detective…” Phoenix said, putting a hand on Gumshoe’s shoulder. “You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about. How many horrible things have you been out to say; ‘I made it out alright.’ I mean… This is you and Maggey! The love of your life! Don’t sweat the details, just go out… Say your peace, and kiss that woman!” Phoenix smiled warmly. “At least… That, well, that’s what I’d do if I were getting married to Maya! Hah… If only.” He sighed.
Edgeworth looked at his watch, and began; “All I’ve got to say, Dick, is, um… Well, I have only one minute left before I need to go to the altar. So everything Wright said except for the wanting to marry Ms. Fey part! Maybe in an alternate reality where we have a son named Hans and then she cheats on me with Wright, causing immense heartbreak and anguish… But, alas. Oh! Shit, thirty seconds! I must go, I’ll see you at the altar!” Edgeworth yelled, running through the door. Phoenix was stunned and didn’t know how to respond to that last bit. Edgeworth getting cucked… By Maya, no less? He thought it was strange, yet thought nothing of it.
Gumshoe finally got his shit together, standing up. “You know what… You’re right. Thanks for all the encouragement, Pals! When the clock strikes 12… I’m goin’, Pal! I’m ready!”
Everyone cheered at this, as the clock slowly ticked towards the hour of fate… Noon.
May 11th, 11:49 A.M.
The Vibiana
Brides’ Preparation Chamber
Maggey was frantically trying to perfect her image in the mirror, doing some last-minute adjustments. “Oh… Oh gosh, I’m so nervous (not) Pal!” She whined.
“Oh, Maggey…” It’s normal to be nervous on your wedding day. This is why Mia reassured her by telling her just that. “It’s normal to be nervous on your wedding day! Everything will turn out just fine. You’ve got a hell of a fiance, you know!”
“It’s not about him!” Maggey put her hands over her eyes. “It’s about me! I’m the last luckiest person in the world! I’m the ‘Queen of Misfortune!’ ‘Lady Luckless!’ Among other nicknames. Like… ‘Four-Eyed Cunt’ that bitch Stacy called me in the locker room once! Ugh… My luck has ruined everything... Every important event in my life has been ruined by it until now! I don’t want this whole romance with Dick to be ruined too! I mean, look at this! Why do I have bruises on my boob?! Where the hell did they come from!? See?! My luck is just shittier than a boy’s bathroom toilet…” She lamented.
Maya stood up and gave a hearty pout. “Maggey, come on! It won’t be ruined! And you aren’t a four-eyed cunt either! You’re a four-eyed friend!” She gave a cheerful thumbs-up. “This day is gonna be awesome.”
“Magical even!” Trucy interjected, throwing a bunch of glitter in the air. Maggey gasped at this magical glitter spectacle, accidentally inhaling all of it and choking. She coughed for about thirty seconds as all the girls panicked.
Ema began to cry out in panic. “Someone get some water! Someone get some water! Fuck! FUCK!!! She’s gonna di-” Maggey coughed all the glitter out in a magical cloud of glitter and droplets. “Oh. Wow. Okay, then. Trucy… No more glitter.” Ema said, doing a pose that ara ara women do but when they’re disappointed in someone.
“Oh… Sorry.” Trucy looked embarrassed.
“See?” Maggey sighed. “I mean… I inhaled an entire bundle of glitter just by gasping! I literally coulda died there y’know?”
Maya piped up. “Wellll… Try not to think about it like that? Think about how lucky you are that you didn’t die!” Everyone gasped at this insightful and profound thought Maya just blurted out of her gaping maw.
Ema took her little notebook out and flipped through it, writing down some notes. “Y’know… Scientifically speaking… That makes a lot of sense! There’s a 95% chance that Maggey should have been dead by now! But you haven’t. So… Technically, being so unlucky, and yet surviving it all… Makes you truly lucky in the end!”
“That… Does seem logically sound.” Mia crossed her arms, smiling.
“Yeah… No magic involved in keeping you around either! Just luck!” Trucy winked.
Maggey then got up and gave her face a little light slap. “Yeah… You guys are right! I’ll be A-Okay! Right?! This is gonna go great, right?! And then… Me and Dick’ll go on a honeymoon somewhere!” All the girls cheered.
“See? Everything will be alright!” Ema snickered. “Now, if you’ll excuse me… I have to go meet with Master and the ring boy and the flower girl to see that everything is alright. If you’ll excuse me…” Ema gave a thumbs up, looking on her clipboard as she walked off into the altar. “I’ll see you all at 12!” She waved, as she walked off.
“Yeah… Everything will be alright!” Maggey said to herself with a newfound wave of determination. But then… She looked at the clock. “Oh god! Look at the time! I gotta go, I’ll see you at the altar!!” She said, scurrying off. The other girls left as well, heading off to their designated bridesmaid’s places.
May 11th, 11:58 A.M.
The Vibiana
Main Chapel
It was nearly time. Everyone was in their spots. To the left of the altar: The groomsmen. Diego, Klavier, Daryan, Phoenix, and of course, the Best Man himself: Miles Edgeworth. To the right, were the lovely bridesmaids. Mia, Maya, Trucy, and of course, the Maiden of Honor: Ema Skye. Shelley De Priest stood with his book in hand as the clock continued to tick down. Members of the audience whispered and muttered, excited for this ceremony to get going. After all, some delicious food awaited them. Charity Jackson was already breaking out the tissues- There would be a’many used. Of course, some people wondered about the presence of Giant Purple Gorilla in the audience, but thought and/or said nothing of it.
“Oh, uh… Miles.” Phoenix nudged Edgeworth.
“Yes, Wright?”
“Did you, um… Explain to Apollo that there would be no “bear” business in the ring-bearing?” Phoenix asked, concernedly.
“Oh.” Edgeworth responded, brushing off his tuxedo. “Ah, yes. He’s still convinced bears- The animal- have something to do with it, but I just told him that bears happen to be very good at presenting rings to people. So I think he’ll do a good job irregardless.”
Phoenix nervously adjusted his tie. “Well, if you say so.”
But the banter soon came to an end… As the clock struck 12. An echoing singular bell to signify noon rang through the halls of this hallowed church. The double-doors swung open with impeccable force, as Gumshoe emerged, beautifully dressed in his stunning pastel blue and yellow-accented tux. Edgeworth made sure that it made his ass look as tight as it could be, much akin to their first adventures in the Very Big Mall so many months ago.
People clapped as Gumshoe continued down the blue carpeting leading up to the altar. He gave nervous waves to the cheers and awe of the guests. Once he ascended the three-stair ascent to the altar, he got into position, waiting for the blushing bride herself.
Next, from the doors, came the very cute and memorable: Pearl Fey. From her cute little basket, she walked down the aisle, throwing yellow rose petals as happily and as adorably as could be. Apollo, the ever-famed ring bearer himself, walked down behind her with his cute little velvet pastel-blue pillow adorned with the two rings that would seal Gumshoe and Maggey’s fate (hopefully) forever. There was some silence as the two little munchkins made their way to their designated positions at the altar. People waited in bated breath for the blushing bride beauty herself. And then… She started coming!
A single bell echoed once more. And then, the classic Blue Badger song began to play on the very fancy and big organ in the balcony above them. Edgeworth hired the greatest and most expensive organ player L.A. had ever known to play this. And let us tell you- It was a pretty good rendition. He added a couple doodleoodleoodles and maybe even some di-di-di-dis. Possibly even a diddlydoodly or two in there. It truly set itself aside from most Blue Badger theme renditions, and most weddings in fact, because most play that typical Here Comes the Bride song. Boring! Anywho…
Maggey began to walk down the aisle, arms linked with Larry in his Blue Badger suit. She slowly continued down the aisle, shimmering in a radiant blissful light. Gumshoe’s jaw dropped, as he began to tear up, and get a little bit of a chub even. “God, she’s so beautiful, Pal…!” Gumshoe wiped a single tear off his cheek. But… Everything would soon turn to shit. Maggey and Larry were taking very slow steps, and the gigantic hulking mass of Larry’s suit knocked over a tiki torch near the altar. It fell down, instantly catching Maggey’s dress on fire.
“Umm! Ummm!!!” Maggey began to panic as the fire quickly began to edge up the skirt of her dress, because man, was that dress flammable! Larry began to catch fire as well, yelling something unintelligible, and proceeding to stop, drop, and- Hopefully you know this, dear readers- Roll.
“Oh, god, the fire’s a-spreadin’!” Gumshoe yelled in panic. “What do we do?! WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO!?”
“Egads! My wedding is potentially in shambles!” Edgeworth screamed. “The forum won’t want to hear this!”
People in the crowd began to gasp and scream. Maggey started flailing around like a chicken (Cheep cheep cheep). The bridesmaids proceeded to frantically run up to Maggey, stomping on the flaming ends of her dress, but to no avail! The groomsmen didn’t know what to do. They stood there in shock and terror. All except for one…
Just then, Diego appeared with a fire extinguisher in hand- One he acquired from the wall over yonder. The bridesmaids, knowing what he was about to do, stepped out of the way, and Diego proceeded to spray her with vigor. Finally, the fire was out, and he saved the day! But… It wasn’t enough for Maggey’s life to be spared. She felt a deep, profound sorrow that her luck got in the way of even this wedding. She began to quiver, tears dripping from her miserable face. Makeup began to stream down, becoming messier and messier as she pounded the floor with her might.
“This… This was supposed to be our day…! And now… And now…!” Maggey sniffled very disgustingly. “My luck’s gotten in the way of it all! Why was I born like this?! Why couldn’t I have been norma-” Diego suddenly pulled her up.
“Listen.” Diego said, putting his hands on Maggey’s shoulders. “You’re still alive, aren’t’cha? This day ain’t over… And just because that dress might be a little charred… It doesn’t mean you can’t go up there and get married to him. Think of everything you’ve worked for to get here! Now… Wipe those tears away.”
Maggey did just that- wiping her makeup-smeared face clean from tears. “You’re right, Gobo… You’re absolutely right!” She looked Gumshoe in the eyes, who was still worried for her safety and well-being. He gave a thumbs-up to her.
“Now… Go to him.” Diego said, walking back to his position. Maggey turned with a newfound determination, walking up the stairs across from Gumshoe at the altar. People clapped and cheered at Diego’s heroism and Maggey’s epic comeback. It took Larry a bit of struggling, but he got up and did the same. He needed no encouragement though, and nobody really clapped for him, except the Chief of Police who really liked the Blue Badger.
With Gumshoe on one side, Maggey at the other, and everyone back into their positions, finally, it was time. Shelley De Priest cleared his throat. “Ahem. We are gathered here today for the union of Dick Gumshoe and Maggey Byrde. A couple unionized by their shared downness on luck. A man constantly battered by pay cuts and horrid treatment by varied prosecutors…”
Edgeworth chuckled. “Hah, I did that once! No longer though, so he can’t mean me!”
Shelly cleared his throat once more. “...And otherwise. Maggey Byrde, a woman born under an unlucky star on the Ides of March- which doesn’t bode well, might I add… Constantly finding herself in new danger and ordeals. But, underneath all that pressure, these two miserable people found each other. And are here today under my authority to be united in holy matrimony. Now, I believe that our very own Mr. Gumshoe has some words to say before the vows are given.”
Gumshoe walked up, giving a wave to address the people. “Uh… Hi everyone! It’s me, Dick Gumshoe. You’re probably wondering how I got myself in this mess! Well… In the beginning, there was light. Oh wait, wrong story, Pal! Anyways, when she joined the force all those years ago, I just knew I had to get to know her, Pal! How couldn’t you want to with a woman as beautiful as her?!” Everyone aww’d. “I even kept a picture of her in my locker! Yup… So we hit it off. Went through so many trials and tribulations together! Like that one time she was in a cute maid dress when she got accused of murder for the second time! Damn! She was cute! And eventually, at the Delite Deli, we took things farther! If it wasn’t for those delicious sammies, we’d never be here now! How sad would that be?!”
“Sad!” Daryan blurted out.
Gumshoe gave a finger gun to Daryan. “Yeah! Sad! And I mean… Those sammies are good too. You should try ‘em!” Ron and Dessie from the audience waved and cheered. “But I digress. I tell ya, I was scared everything was gonna go to shit like, two minutes ago! But somehow… Maggey survived. I guess it goes to show that even though we’re down on our luck, it’s our love that’ll get us out all right! That’s all I gotta say, so why don’t we finally get married, Pal?!”
Everyone cheered as Gumshoe got back into position. Then, it was Apollo’s turn. He skipped out towards the center of the altar, giving the respective rings to Maggey and Gumshoe. The two put them on eachother, signifying the beginning of the fate-sealing incantation that was marriage. Apollo’s face was beaming at the idea that this was the closest he’d ever been to being a bear, like his hero Gooby. He skipped back into position, looking particularly proud of himself. Trucy gave an approving thumbs-up to him.
“Well, alright then.” Shelly said. “Let’s begin with the vows.” He looked at his little note card that had the full names of the bride and groom. “I… Um. Wow. Okay. Maggey Ann-Marie Virginia Stevan Ophelia Bedelia Bertha Hernando Fernanda Rodriguez Ilych Rose Louise Anastasia Cassandra Susanna Banana “Bunk” Byrde… Phew… Take the esteemed Richard Ted Gumshoe as your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?”
“Of course I do!” Maggey did a little hop. “That’s a silly question, we’re gonna be married after all! And besides… I’m always in sickness! I have chronic kidney disease and rheumatoid arthritis! Teehee!”
“Wow, she’s even bigger a mess than I thought, ja?” Klavier whispered to Daryan.
“Wonderful.” Shelly continued. “And do you, Richard Ted Gumshoe, take… Here we go again.” He sighed. “Maggey Ann-Marie Virginia Stevan Ophelia Bedelia Bertha Hernando Fernanda Rodriguez Ilych Rose Louise Anastasia Cassandra Susanna Banana “Bunk” Byrde…” To be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health?”
“Well, of course Pal! I love her!” Gumshoe nodded.
Shelly did a quick bow. “Then… With the power vested in me. You may now kiss the bride.” Gumshoe and Maggey did just that, locking their lips with a kiss- Finally, the spell was complete- The two were married. Well, the spell would be complete if there wasn’t a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo like marriage licenses to deal with. But, for the sake of ceremony, the deed was as good as done. Everyone cheered, as bells began to ring, music began to echo from the organ, and then suddenly…
“KICK IT!” Edgeworth yelled. The organ stopped as a more energetic and wondrous version of the Blue Badger theme, complete with saxophones and other such instruments of whimsy and joy began to blast from the speaker. Fireworks began to explode into the hall, and it all made for a wondrous show. People laughed, people cheered, and people cried. But more importantly? People breathed. That’s pretty important.
Gumshoe and Maggey released themselves from their mouthy grasp, and looked each other in the eyes. “Well, I guess it’s official, huh Pal?” Gumshoe smiled warmly.
“Yeah… I guess it really is.” Maggey smiled back, pulling him into a big warm hug.
May 11th 12:40 P.M.
The Vibiana
Dining Hall
After the ceremony, everyone was seated at assigned tables as the delicious food from Wolfgang Puck Catering began to make its way out to the guests. Of course, Gumshoe and Maggey were seated in the middle of their own special head table seated with their groomsmen and bridesmaids, though Daryan and Klavier were playing a rock version of Luigi Boccherini’s Minuetto for live entertainment, holding off their meals for later. There were such delicious items as steak, salmon, and chicken too! And don’t forget the soup and salad course that preceded this wonderful meal. There were buffet tables for the Delite Deli and Charity Jackson’s Louisiana Cookin’ for all guests to snack on once the main course was complete.
“Mmm! Fuck my ass sideways and call me Lenny, this shit’s good!” Maya cheered, taking a hearty swig of the salmon butter at the bottom of her plate. Phoenix laughed, but thought that Maya’s command wouldn’t be such a bad idea on a good night. Except for the Lenny part, as that name sounds too much like Larry for any level of comfort. Maybe if she picked a name like Daryl, Clyde, or even Fester, but not Lenny. Anyways, Phoenix looked into the wedding favor gift bag. Included was a shot of Wolfhead vodka! Phoenix was quite pleased by this, and chugged it to get drunk more quickly than the catering-provided Garrus rosé wine. Phoenix was quite the party animal on days like this. Trucy looked at her father with concern.
“Um… Daddy, do think it’s okay for you to have that wine considering your past… Addiction?”
Phoenix burst out in roarous laughter. “Oh, ‘Truce, it was but grape juice! Innocent, non-alcoholic Welch’s grape!”
“In a green glass bottle?” Trucy narrowed her eyes.
“It was special edition!” Phoenix reassured, unconvincingly. Trucy and Apollo shared a disapproving glance.
Diego took a hearty bite of steak. “Ha…! Last time I was at a wedding, woof! Shoulda seen it!”
“What happened?” Mia asked inquisitively, never having heard this story.
“Yeah! I still had black hair! You shoulda seen it!” He chuckled. That was the whole story.
After a little while of eating and conversing, Edgeworth stood up and tappy-tap-tapped on his wine glass but thrice. “Ahem!” Edgeworth cleared his throat. “I do hope this dinner and ceremony was greatly enjoyed by all, despite the mishaps. But unfortunately, nothing truly can be perfect. Anywho, I should have you all know that I made sure we all got the most expensive rosé wine possible, and the Wolfgang Puck catering cost a pretty penny too! So, please, eat and drink up to your heart’s content. And don’t stop there! The buffet stands are wonderful too! Please, eat their food too! Now, where was I? Ah, yes, my best man's speech.” Gumshoe began clapping and cheering, though Edgeworth hadn’t said anything worth clapping and/or cheering for.
“Erm… Yes, thank you Dick. I would just like to begin by saying how proud I am seeing the full journey that Gumshoe had gone on. From that day he came to me with nothing but a cot, and we went to the Very Big Mall to fix him up. And then… Well, let’s just say, I got rid of any confidence issues he may have had on the day of the Inspection. You know the one, Gummy. Ho ho.”
Gumshoe winked. “Oh boy, do I ever!”
Edgeworth winked back. “Yes, even I was amazed that day.” Nobody quite knew what they were referencing- It was a sacred moment between the two. “I convinced the man to take initiative, to pursue the Byrde that almost flew away once again. And… Well, I must say they’re two of the best tenants I’ve ever had in my home! Call me John Garrideb, because I may just be the next great landlord in the making! Well, anywho, enough stroking my own ego. Gumshoe, I must commend all of this. I mean… I don’t want to make this seem like it was all my doing, just that I was there with you every step of the way. You led the charge, and I did nothing but follow and cheer. I couldn’t be more proud of this day, this event, and this marriage. Congratulations, my best friend and detective partner!”
Gumshoe and Maggey began to tear up. “Aw, Mr. Edgeworth, you’re too kind!” Maggey began to sob, her dress still scorched from events prior. This is neither here nor there, but we felt compelled to remind you readers, lest you have short-term memory loss, ADHD, or other such conditions. Maybe you’re just dumb! Who’s to say?
“Yeah, Pal!” Gumshoe bellowed. “Thanks for everything, I couldn’t have done it without’cha!”
“Cha, dude!” Larry cheered from the sidelines. He was not sitting at the main table, but in the corner with some of Gumshoe’s lower-tiered policemen.
Edgeworth then motioned to the doors. “And now… I must introduce the next part of this event… The cake!”
“YES! YESSSS! YES! YES!” Maya gutturally screamed, pounding on the table. It almost knocked over Phoenix’s glass, but he caught it just in time with his studied lawyerly reflexes. Afterwards, a couple of chefs rolled the cake in on a fancy looking cart. It was a three-tiered cake, of course, themed after the Blue Badger with Blue and Pink Badger wedding toppers. Edgeworth had had many a poor experience with wedding cakes, so he made sure that this one looked, and most importantly, tasted good. Klavier really wished that the rare Red Badger would make an appearance, but unfortunately, due to being unappreciated in his time (Much akin to ourselves), he was nowhere to be seen.
“Go on now, you two, cut it!” Edgeworth motioned. Gumshoe and Maggey got up, walking towards the cake. The cake-handler tossed them the knife- And we mean, he tossed it, like, underhanded. The two caught it, and they both grasped the handle as they made their first cut. Gumshoe, being the silly goose he was, got a little frosting and put it on Maggey’s nose. Everyone roared in laughter. It was so funny and cool. Everyone then got served cake, and began to eat. As Maya got served hers, she was basically foaming at the mouth, yelling nothing bundt “weddingu cakey,” whatever that meant.
“Wow! It’s got vanilla and chocolate!” Pearl gasped. “I’ve never had something so insane!” This was another piece of evidence towards her sheltered childhood.
“Scientifically speaking… Shit’s good.” Ema pointed out.
“Whoa… Gee whiz gee golly gosh darn that’s a good fucking cake!” Apollo said, his eyes glimmering in joy.
Point is, the cake was good, and the festivities were even better. Edgeworth was very happy the food was being eaten and enjoyed. But… The festivities were not quite over yet. After all, another integral moment awaited.
May 11th, 1:30 P.M.
The Vibiana
Dining Hall
The time to eat was over. Now was the time to dance. But not without…
“Alright everyone!” Edgeworth announced. “It’s time for the coveted, the competitive, the dreaded… Bouquet Toss. Who will win? Who will lose? All ladies ready to mingle, gather round! One of you will seal your fate on this fine afternoon!”
Mia, Maya, Pearl, Ema, and some other random women that were there, but who cares about them joined in, all lined up, ready to kill. Trucy decided to sit this one out, as she didn’t want her admittedly brittle bones to be shattered in a battle such as this one. And besides, there was no man occupying her mind quite yet. Except Mr. Hunk, who was sadly taken.
Edgeworth bowed. “Mrs. Byrde… Will you do the honor?” he asked, handing her the bouquet. Maggey nodded.
Maggey had an excited smile on her face. “Alright… Are you ready girls?” Everyone nodded and made noises of approval. She nodded at them. “Okay… Here we go!” She reeled back and pitched the bouquet high in the air.
It was as if time slowed down as the bouquet flew through the air. The main four ladies started tackling each other as the others were quickly pushed out of the chaos. A dust cloud signifying a mighty tussle appeared, with fists and otherwise flashing in and out of it.
Phoenix reeled back a little, commentating; “Ooh… Ouch. That’ll leave a mark…”
Apollo pouted. “I wish I could have been part of it!”
The bouquet was somehow still floating downward. It was very light, so it was going to take a while. Suddenly…
“Move over, it’s mine!” A mystery voice of power jumped into the fray. It was… Daryan Crescend with a steel chair?! “Give me that bouquet!” He bared his teeth like a… shark, because sharks are always baring their teeth, we suppose. However, even with his steel chair, the cloud of womanly fury repelled him, sending him flying backwards. “Aw, shit!” He said, rubbing the back of his head.
Finally, the bouquet was nearing the ground. It fell into the cloud… Who got it? Who was next to be wed? Everyone waited with bated breath, and then… As the dust began to settle, a single, familiar hand arose from the dust. “I… I did it! Yatta!” The voice yelled. Phoenix knew that voice all too well. It was… Maya Fey?!
“And the winner…” Edgeworth announced. “Maya Fey! She’s the next to be wed! But with whom? Could it be…” Everyone looked towards Phoenix, who blushed and smiled awkwardly.
“Hahaaa… Um. Hey!” Phoenix waved. He was a little turnt, as the kids say, so he wasn’t quite sure how to process the prospect of matrimony, bound by the blessings of a bouquet- Especially after airing his desires earlier.
Edgeworth chuckled. “Haha, I'm only a kid. Good try, ladies! Now… It’s time we all have to break it down on the dance floor, hm?” Truly, he was the too-turnt Tony of this party, as shown by his incomprehensible speech. “Juh, everyone enjoy thineselves!”
However, the three women who lost this battle- Nay, this war were still tangled and fangled upon the dancefloor. Good thing it was clean!
“Man…” Ema muttered beneath the weight of the bodacious boobies of Mia Fey. “I could’ve married Master…”
“Man…” Pearl muttered beneath the weight of the thunderous thighs of Ema Skye. “The magic spell on that bouquet could’ve sealed our fate forever…”
“Man…” Mia muttered beneath the weight of the rather light buttock (only the one) of Pearl Fey. “I’m gonna marry the guy anyways… But I love winning shit…”
After a while, everyone got to dancing, socializing, or otherwise. Maggey and Gumshoe were in a sweet embrace. Other couples, such as Mia and Diego, Apollo and Pearl, and of course, Phoenix and Maya were dancing around the dance floor. Klavier and Daryan, unfortunately couldn’t dance, as they were still performing. Tyrome Jackson was, as alluded to before, tearing up the dance floor with his signature move: The Crab.
Maggey looked up at Gumshoe, as the two continued dancing the day away. “Wow, you’re so handsome, Dick!” She said, “I’m sorry I almost ruined the night, my dress catching on fire and all…”
“Well, heh.” Gumshoe chuckled. “You’re always pretty smokin’, Pal!” He laughed, thinking this was pretty slick. “Don’t worry about it! I wasn’t worried about the wedding being ruined! I was worried about you gettin’ hurt! But thankfully you didn’t. We’re here now! So who cares about a dumb dress like that?”
“It’s dumb…?” Maggey’s eyes almost instantly began to flood with tears.
“No! No, Pal! It’s not ‘dumb,’ it’s just a figure of speech! I’m just sayin’ I’m glad you're safe! Besides… I think it’d be nice if you kept wearing that dress on the honeymoon, y’know?” Gumshoe winked.
“Ohoho! I can’t wait for that!” Maggey giggled.
The two continued to dance the day away. The wedding lasted many more hours, and fun aplenty was had. It was towards the end of the night, and everyone had left except for the main characters of this tale and the cleaning staff. Larry was there too, but he continued to be ignored like he was the whole day. He was quite disappointed that he never got to tell the story about how he and Viola had to separate, due to some suspicious men in suits going after him, but nobody really remembered or cared that he had anything to say.
The last bits of food scraps were being devoured by Klavier and Daryan, who had nought to eat the whole day. Thankfully, things were still pretty good. Just like life in general! Everyone partied the night away, and it finally seemed like everything was going in the right direction. With the Paynes defeated, and no imminent threats in sight, with Phoenix’s horrible mental illnesses finally being quelled with the power of Prozac, Edgeworth’s continued success as a wedding planner, with a newly-solidified band of partners, and with a new marriage finally in bloom, it seemed like nothing could go wrong.
However, little did everyone know, the biggest challenges that any of these people had ever faced was soon to be upon them. The circus was about to come to town, and things were going to get a little… Bananas.
-END OF PART III-
Chapter 48: -Interlude- The Fairground Incident
Summary:
The Berry Big Festival begins, and in it... A bloody murder with dire implications for the future of our heroes.
Chapter Text
It’s here…
It’s time…
It’s now…
THE BERRY BIG FESTIVAL!!!
Lights, confetti, and colorful smoke exploded in front of the audience’s eyes. Behind the Berry Big Circus, amusement park attractions began to light up the dark night sky. People cheered, people clapped, and people clamored.
“Yes, yes! Welcome one and all to our first annual Berry Big Festival! I am this circus’s ringleader; the fabulous, the elegant, the sexy, the youthful… Max Galactica!” Everyone cheered at this. “Now now! Settle down all! I must say a few words before we open up the grounds! As you know, there was… An absence within our circus for some time. A man integral to the act. But I can announce, with confidence… The legendary… Benjamin Woodman is coming back!” Little streamers flew about as a large banner of Ben and Trilo unfurled behind Ben. There wasn’t much fanfare, apart from a random hoot and/or a holler. “You’ll see him in tonight’s main act! Now go, all, enjoy the rides! Enjoy the fun! You can even enjoy my luscious cheeks, assical or otherwise. But most importantly, enjoy… The Berry Big Festival!” Cheers roared out as everyone began to storm into the grounds.
For hours, the festival went greatly. Fun was had, rides were ridden, and it was truly a time of joy. However… This fair would soon turn into the scene of an abhorrent crime. Atop the flashing ferris wheel, towering over the fairgrounds, something was amiss.
"Have a nice fall..." A voice whispered in the uppermost gondola.
All of a sudden… A body within a brown sack fell 200 feet down into the river! “Look! Look over there! Something’s falling from the ferris wheel!” Someone in the crowd said.
“I… I think it’s a body!” A man in a top hat yelled.
“Oh, the humanity!!!” Shrieked someone.
It splashed into the nearby river in a display of force, a loud crash echoing through the grounds. People began to run towards the scene, as the body was seen floating down the river. The crowd, seeing it, began to shriek.
“Oh god, what do we do?!”
“Call the police!!”
Max ran up and noticed the bloodshed occur. His fake eyelashes flew out of his face in shock. His eyeliner and mascara began to flow down with his tears of terror. The caked-up makeup face he had began to crumble. “Oh god… This is going to ruin my show!”
Mia Fey and her lover-man Diego just so happened to be at the festival that day, since she hadn’t had fun in so many years. Her and Diego ran towards the body. Mia noticed it, and noticed the knife sticking through what could only be the neck. Blood was flowing from it, dying the surrounding water an awful shade of red.
“Diego…” She muttered. “I know this… This is the same MO as the killer I’ve been researching.
“You think it could be him again?” Diego said, peering at it.
“Almost positive.” She said in a hushed tone. “Come on… We have some phone calls to make.”
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