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Emotional Pain Hurts as Much as Physical Pain

Chapter 34: Self Harm

Summary:

Jamie is no longer sick but enjoying her time with Drift, until Crosshaires walks in, making assumptions about what Jamie and Drift are doing. Jamie isn't sure if she should be concerned Jayce and J.R. are sleeping in. Crosshairs tells her they're fine before going up to see if either of the girls are awake. She catches Jayce, leaving her room to take a shower. After being informed about how Jayce was overnight from Bumblebee, Crosshairs goes to J.R.'s room. He catches the end of a conversation J.R. and Hound are having. J.R. is telling him how terrified she is. J.R. goes down stairs ten minutes later. She thinks nothing of Jayce being in the shower for twenty minutes until she realizes what Jayce could be trying to hurt herself. Sure enough the door is locked. She can't just knock it down either since the door is made of metal. Once Hound unlocks the door, J.R. is shocked at what she's seeing.

Chapter Text

Jamie POV
I’ve been feeling better the past two days. That was an odd cold. I know Drift was trying not to worry, I think Crosshairs started worrying, but my Illness doesn’t help either. The downside of not having the Autobots around more often. Though Jayce and J.R. knew I was sick and weren’t concerned.
Once again, I’ve been going back and forth about the Autobots being here for the past ten months. I like having them here and love having Drift here. It still feels like they’re here to help me with Buddy’s death and not because they want to stay here. It’s still hard not having Buddy around. I feel like a new dog is what I need but also feel like it’s too soon, besides my parents say no. Sure, I’m twenty-six but might as well say I’m not even eighteen while living here.
“Are you getting up today?” Drift asked, “while I love having you lie on me, we should get up.”
I sighed and moved off him, but I’m still lying next to him.
“Come on; you’re not sick anymore. You’re small enough, and I can pick you up.” He gets off the bed, walks around the bed, and picks me up, but he sits back and n the bed, holding me.
You’d do the same even if I were as tall as Jayce and J.R. I’m not that much shorter. Only six inches.
“I thought you wanted to get up.” I teased.
“Funny little lady,” he laughed and kissed my forehead as the door opened.
“Lock the door!” Crosshairs exclaimed, and we both laughed. No, Crosshairs, I’m not ready for that, and we had clothes on.
“You ruined the moment,” Drift joked, as he stood up and kicked Crosshairs’ shin. After receiving his punishment for interrupting us, Crosshairs leaves the room.
 “Come on, time to get up,” Drift says while grabbing clothes for himself, “I’m going to take a shower.”  He walks out of the room, closing the door behind him. Wonder what Drift would do if I were still in bed when he comes back? Na, I have too much to do. I got dressed in one of my many Autobot logo tee’s, black jeans, socks, and boots. I normally would wear my redfish orange Gi, but I’m not feeling like going back to training. I want to catch up on my recording first. Drift finished with his shower when I got downstairs. Jayce and J.R. weren’t around. I hope they didn’t get sick. They weren’t around me while I was sick, but it’s that time of year. I sat next to Crosshairs while Drift made our tea. He knows we’re Jayce and J.R. are, but I’ll leave them alone.
“They’re sleeping,” Crosshairs tells me. I must look worried. I don’t know why, even if I’m right and they’re sick, there’s no need to worry. Drift comes over with our tea, and sits next to me, hands me my cup, and turns on the T.V. Crosshairs goes back upstairs ten minutes later.

 

Crosshairs POV
I should be happy Jamie is doing much better. She’s still crying at night over Buddy, but it’s nothing compared to what Jayce and J.R. are dealing with. I worry she will find out about the crap Jayce and J.R. have been dealing with. Neither of them can sleep without a sleep aid. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last as long as it’s supposed to. The two get four hours of sleep before waking up terrified. Then they sleep for two to three hours before waking up again. This process repeats three to four times a night. We’re lucky they’re not exhausted all day, and they aren’t showing how terrified they are when Jamie is around them. We can’t figure out what these two need to see to know Jamie is doing better mentally. It seems like there’s no answer, but even if we knew what they want to see, it’s up to Jamie to show them.
Jayce was leaving her room with Bumblebee. She was carrying clothes and going to take a shower.
“So, how bad this time?” I asked Bumblebee.
“she sleeps for two hours before waking up, terrified. It takes a half-hour to calm down and another thirty minutes before she falls asleep.”
“I can tell there’s something you’re not telling me.”
“When I tell her we’ll get through this. She …she says, just let her die.”
“Damn it; we’ve done all we can do by locking up everything that she can use.”
I opened the door to J.R.’s room, catching Hound and J.R. in the middle of a chat.
“…I hate these nightmares about either Jamie or Jayce hurting themselves or killing themselves. I can’t even sleep.” That’s all J.R. said before crying. I was about to go downstairs but heard Hound ask if J.R. wanted me, and she said yes.
“Crosshairs, how long have you been listening to is?” Hound asked once he saw me standing by the door. J.R. gets up and hugs me, crying. Hound leaves the room as I get J.R. to sit on the bed with me. She wanted to sit on my lap and hug me. She repeated what she told Hound. Because she already talked to Hound, she was calm and ready to go downstairs ten minutes later. I went to see if Jamie and Drift returned to their room. Jamie would probably be mad for saying their room, but those two have been sleeping together for almost a year.

J.R. POV
Only Jayce was downstairs. She must have been in the shower for twenty minutes. I think nothing of it and sit on the couch; I’m not hungry. Then it hit me five minutes later, oh fuck.
Just as I thought, the door to the bathroom was locked. Ok, I don’t know if Jayce normally locks the door since there are five guys around, but it’s not good the door is locked now. Why I didn’t think of it sooner, I don’t know. Maybe Jayce’s mental state wasn’t as bad though it’s been bad for the past two months. That’s not important right now. I need to unlock the door. The medbay is locked, crap. I wanted to see Jayce before any of the others, that’s all I need to have a couple of Autobots see her naked. I sent Hound a text. He ran down with lock picking tools.
“Go, I’ll stay here,” he said once he unlocked the door and turned away.
I know Hound’s having a hard time looking away, hearing Jayce cry and my gasp over what I’m seeing.
“Hound, We will need the first aid kit,” I say, seeing Jayce has clothes on. The blood makes things look worse than they are. I have to tell myself a razor can’t cause any serious harm. Add that standing makes the blood flow faster down the legs. She had to have cut herself several times. Blood stained her shorts, so she did this while in the shower but got dressed. I sat next to her and hugged her, waiting for Hound to come back with help.

“What the hell?” Cade exclaimed as he, Bumblebee, Crosshairs, and Drift stood around the doorway. The bathroom is too small for all of them to come in. Hound walks in, shocked at what he sees.
“Jamie will be busy for a while. I’ll stay with Jayce,” Drift says as he walks into the room, “Go with Crosshairs, J.R.”
I wanted to stay though I know Jayce did nothing serious, I know she’ll be crying over the pain, maybe even scream, and I don’t want to hear that. I left the room and went to my room with Bumblebee and Crosshairs.

Drift POV
I watched Cade and Hound look at Jayce’s legs, seeing what she did. Jayce was quiet while they tried to stop the bleeding. She had five cuts on each leg that are two inches long. This made trying to stop the bleeding difficult. This wasn’t just from shaving; she did this on purpose.
“We have to wrap her legs until the bleeding stops. Too many places were the blood can escape,” Cade tells us after he and Hound tried to stop the bleeding for five minutes. They had to wrap her legs tight enough, which hurt. Jayce started crying and tried to get them to stop. I took the chance and let her cry as I carried her back to her room. Jamie works for hours, but watch now be the time she has to use the bathroom.
I sit in the bed, holding Jayce, trying to get her to stop crying. I don’t think she’s in pain that she’s uncomfortable. I know there’s local pain management in the first aid kit. Cade would have used it if he thought Jayce was in pain.
“Shh, it’s ok.”
To be honest, I’m worried Cade sees more serious cuts.

Hound POV
I can’t believe what Jayce did.
“Is J.R. thinking wrongly about Jayce’s cuts?” I asked Cade.
“No, Jayce didn’t do anything serious.”
“Why is she bleeding like that then? I asked, worried.
“She has five cuts on both legs. Add that she was standing when she cut herself. This will look worse than it is. Just like in the shower.”
I looked in the shower with him. It looked like Jayce had a large wound that she tried to take care of herself. We had to work quickly to clean the mess. I know Cade worried he could be wrong, and Jayce has serious inquiries, but we can handle whatever she has done.
“Jayce was also starting to get agitated. I fear she was hoping we wouldn’t find her, but she wouldn’t bleed enough to cause serious consequences.”
“Is Jayce, right? That she can’t recover from this?” I hated asking the questions, but I had to.