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Previously, on Supernatural!

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Streetlight: *flickers*

Sam: *is brought back from Hell by Castiel*

Castiel: *is proud*

Sam’s soul: *is absent*

No one: *notices*

Castiel: *goes back to Heaven*

Raphael: Apocalypse 2.0 still a go! Kneel before Zod!

Castiel: OMGWTF?!

Crowley : May I interest you in some crack?

Castiel: Crack?

Crowley: Crack. Souls. Same diff.

Castiel: How Dare You, Demon Scum! ... tell me more?

Crowley: Monster souls, in fact. Crunchier, tastier. All we need to do is find Purgatory. We'll share. Fifty-fifty. I have needs, you know? That skank, Meg, is out to get me.

Castiel: ... and why are you approaching me with this deal?

Crowley: ... slippery slope of angel corruption? So that you'll watch my back? Because the Apocalypse would end my sweet reign of terror and bureaucracy? ... Look, I'm not entirely clear either. Maybe it's a plot-point. Just go with it!

Castiel: Geez, okay, no need to get testy.

Stalker!Castiel: *stares lovingly at Suburbia!Dean* Oh, Dean, you wouldn't understand but I'm doing this for you.

Castiel fans: *are divided by this turn of events*

Castiel: *returns to Heaven*, *pwn's Raphael's ass*

Raphael: Oh, now it's on. Bring it.

Castiel: Oh, I'll bring it!


Meanwhile, back on Earth.


Robo!Sam: *goes shirtless*

Samuel Campbell: I'm back.

Audience: Why? How? What?? ... Oooooh, shirtless Sam. *_*

Crowley: Sam Senior, I can bring your daughter back. All you need to do is catch me some Alphas, I need them to find Purgatory.

Samuel Campbell: Mary! Apple of my eye, ILU! Let me bring you to life! Again.

Audience: ... okay, now that's just disturbing.

Robo!Sam: Sup, Grandpa?

Samuel Campbell: May I interest you in some violence?

Robo!Sam: ... do I get to continue going shirtless?

Samuel Campbell: ... I guess?

Robo!Sam: Sweet. Let's avoid running into my brother, okay? I don't think he'd appreciate the nudist tendencies of the new me.

Wincesters: Oh, come on!


One year later. (Maybe.)


Suburbia!Dean: Sam! You're naked! Ack! Put some clothes on!

Robo!Sam: You've turned into such a prude, Dean.

Suburbia!Dean: Something's wrong with you!

Robo!Sam: You're just saying that because I let some vampire snack on you. And I liked it.

Dean: YES, exactly! Where was the barbed wire this time? Castiel!

Castiel: Dean. It's been a while. You never call, you never write.

Dean: Focus, Cas! I need you to soulfist my brother!

Castiel: ... but, Dean, I could never betray you.

Dean: Soulfisting now, moon eyes later.

Castiel: *soulfists Sam*

Audience: ... wow, that was... kinda hot.

A new ship: *is born*

Castiel: Your brother is soulless. *shifty eyes* I totally don't know how that happened.

Crowley: If I may step in now. I can help with your minor problem. There's these Alphas I need, see? Or else, I'll just let your brother experience Hell on Earth.

Dean: I really, really hate you. What we need is to get Sam's soul back.

Castiel: I don't think that's a good idea.

Dean: ... that makes no sense. Why are you saying this?

Castiel: Maybe it's a plot point. Or maybe I really think we should let Sam's soul suffer for all eternity.

Dean: Whatever, feather brain. I'm calling Death. Are you gonna help keep Crowley off our backs?

Castiel: ... anything for you, Dean. *pretends to burn Crowley*

Crowley: Nicely played, mate.

Death: One soul and one wall coming up. Sam needs some thought control.

Dean: And there goes our music budget for the season.

Death: *soulfists Sam*

Sam: OMFG, what is up with everyone soulfisting me?

Samuel Campbell: Hey, I didn't!

Sam: There must be something wrong with you then. Bang, you're dead.

Dean: There was nothing wrong with him.

Sam: Oops?

Dean: It's Eve's fault. You shouldn't blame yourself, Sam. You shouldn't blame yourself for all the stuff you did when you didn't have a soul either. Have you learned nothing from Buffy?

Eve: Look, pea brains, I'm not the real Big Bad. I'm just defending my children. From Crowley. Who is totally alive!

Dean: I don't believe you! Cas would never trick me like that!

Sam: Actually, I think I remember something.

Dean: What?

Sam: No, wait... it's gone. Maybe it was a plot point. Maybe Castiel left my soul behind on purpose.

Castiel: I didn't! ... I don't think so? The writers are not sure yet.

Dean: I love you, Castiel...

D/C shippers: *_*

Dean: ... like a brother, geez!

D/C shippers: ... we don't know how to feel about this. Does this make D/C incest?

Dean: ... the point is, you're working with Crowley and you totally lied, you lying liar who lies! I only put up with that crap from Sam!

Sam: Hey!

Dean: And he made up for it by going to Hell. Since he was too big for me to smack around properly.

Wincesters: ... damn it.

Dean: But you're just the right size. You're just like a child.

Castiel: … I've been here since the beginning of Creation?

Dean: Shut up, we're not exploring that. Now go to your room!

Sam: Actually, he kinda has a point. I think I remember something about a multidimensional wavelength…

Dean: Stop trying to remember! ... You know what? Go to your room too! ... NOT THE SAME ROOM!

Castiel: But, Dean, there is much I can learn from an abomination like Sam.

Dean: We're not exploring that either.

Sam: Is there anything we are exploring?

Becky: Questions of identity and the definition of evil.

Sam: Becky! … were you even in this season?

Becky: Well, no, Sam. Can't you see I'm still alive? But I forgive you not remembering – you weren't yourself!

Dean: That's my line.

Becky: Yes, everything is always about you. I bet the finale will be about you too.

Dean: Oh, I don't know. Seems some people have been busy bees this year.

Sam: I still get confused about what year it is. I wish I could remember better.

Bobby: Yeah, I'm not sensing a theme here or anything.

Other angel dude: There are also the celestial weapons.

Dean: How do those factor in?

Becky: We don't know, but they were mentioned often enough they're possibly a plot point too.

Plot: *has many points*

Castiel: It's a mystery. For some reason, I feel the strange, yet unmistakable desire to don a fedora now.

Dean: Stick with the trench coat. And I still can't believe you cheated on me betrayed my trust.

Becky: … I'm thinking red lipstick and some high heels might be a more appropriate choice. Just saying.