“You could take the entirety of the common sense of humans and put it in the palm of your hand and still have room for your dick.”
- Anne Carson, Red Doc>
So. Namjoon’s a virgin.
It’s one of those incontrovertible facts of life, really. The sky’s blue, grass is green, no one’s ever touched Namjoon’s dick. Happens.
In Namjoon’s defense, back when kids his age were approaching potential dating partners for the first time, he was way too awkward to talk to girls. Then, by the time he was slightly less awkward, he was too preoccupied with being a trainee, and then an international pop sensation, and then figuring out he’s more into people as a concept than any one gender. So, really, he’s been busy, he probably gets a pass on this one.
The matter remains however, and the matter is that Namjoon is a virgin. Now, he’s aware that sex is an arbitrary milestone and that he’s not obligated to do anything within the timeframe dictated by society. That said, disclaimer pointedly gotten out of the way, Namjoon would sort of, kind of, really want to have sex with someone.
Except that’s problem number two. Namjoon’s a virgin with trust issues. He’s also in a position where not trusting people is a smart move rather than a cry for help. But the crux of the issue remains, which is that Namjoon can’t really pick up anyone from a bar or an app and, respectfully, consensually, tenderly go to town with them. His options remain, then, fairly limited.
His options are currently having a contest to see who can burp the loudest.
Namjoon’s been excluded on principle because everyone knows he would have smoked the competition without breaking a sweat. Instead he’s half sitting, half lying on the couch, feet on the floor and upper body sideways, occupying two seats. It gives him an optimal view of the chaos unfolding.
Yoongi is in a corner loading on coke, Hoseok and Taehyung cheering him on, while Jungkook and Jimin complain loudly about how it’s basically cheating. Seokjin comes back into the living room from the kitchen just in time for Yoongi to let out a burp that, considering Namjoon isn’t participating, is absolutely going to be the undisputed winner. It’s a masterfully executed burp. 10/10, easily getting the crown.
There’s a split second of absolute silence before Yoongi raises his hands triumphantly and starts screeching. It’s so much of an insane overreaction that they all start laughing, Seokjin doubling over where he’s standing. Even Jimin and Jungkook are laughing too hard to keep protesting.
Eventually Seokjin comes over to the couch and motions for Namjoon to get up. He rolls his eyes but does as he’s asked. There’s no arguing with his hyung about seating arrangements or pointing out that there’s a perfectly serviceable couch seat on the other side of Namjoon. Seokjin’s a weirdo, everyone knows it, they try to accommodate it within reason.
Namjoon is slowly, but resolutely letting gravity do its thing and flopping on the other side of the couch, when Seokjin gently grabs his neck and guides him back to his previous location, now conveniently situated on top of Seokjin’s thighs. Namjoon adjusts himself, making himself comfortable on Seokjin’s bony legs.
He resumes his careful consideration of potential partners for the whole losing his virginity debacle.
Normal Sunday afternoon stuff.
“Jin-hyung you should try!” Jungkook says. His eyes are trained on Seokjin, the eyes of a man who’s willing to humiliate his elders for second place.
“Ah, Jungkook-ah, I have publicly gone on record to say I haven’t burped since debut and I stand by it.” Seokjin says. Namjoon turns his head so he can look up at him, he can see the corners of his lips turn up.
“Sounds like loser talk to me, hyung.” Jungkook replies, his voice smug already. Namjoon is torn between wanting to warn him of his impending doom and wanting Jungkook to experience this crushing defeat. Crushing defeat is good for the spirit and Jungkook doesn’t feel it often enough. It’s a learning experience. Namjoon’s being a good hyung by letting this happen, really.
“Jeon Jungkook!” Seokjin screeches, Namjoon winces, the man’s loud and Namjoon is right under his mouth. “I won’t let you make a liar out of me! The nerve, the gall, the audacity ! The sheer level of disrespect on display on this very day from a child I have raised. A liar and bad hyung he wants to make out of me, can you believe it Namjoon-ah?” Seokjin asks, but it’s clear he doesn’t want an answer when he immediately starts his tirade again. There are at least seventeen thousand exclamation marks in Seokjin’s little speech and Namjoon can hear every single one of them.
The thing about the way Seokjin talks, is that being on the receiving end always involves at least two or three senses. There’s all the sounds that come out of Seokjin’s mouth, of course. Not always words either, because most of his communication is entirely achieved through the funny sounds his mouth makes that are only passably recognizable as human. Then there’s the visual part of it, Seokjin speaks with his entire body; his face, obviously, but also his hands and his torso and his legs. He’s currently attempting to stomp his foot while sitting on the couch, Namjoon’s head still very much resting on his thighs. Which brings Namjoon to his third sense currently being attacked by Seokjin, because he can very much feel what Seokjin’s saying. Not just the way he’s moving, but the vibration of his voice through his body.
It’s a lot. Seokjin is a lot.
Namjoon is just tuning back into whatever Seokjin’s saying when he apparently decides it’s time to humiliate Jungkook and lets out the mother of all burps. Namjoon’s pretty sure that if there’s a Guinness world record for loudest burp, Seokjin’s just broken it, along with probably the world record for loudest jet engine. Seokjin might have just given him tinnitus.
The room erupts into chaos and cheers once more, Yoongi and Hoseok screeching at the top of their lungs, Jimin and Taehyung looking at Seokjin with stars in their eyes, Jungkook rolling on the floor, clutching his heart in mock pain. Namjoon can’t help but laugh.
Well, this clinches it.
Okay, but, bizarre and animalistic wooing rituals aside (not that Seokjin or the others knew they were wooing Namjoon, but Namjoon likes thinking about this in Planet Earth terms, David Attenborough narration and all), Namjoon’s actually given this some thought. He’s explored his options thoroughly. He’s done his research. He’s read some erotica to get into the spirit of things.
He excluded the kids on principle. He can’t do this with any of them. Not out of any antiquated notion of gendered expectations placed on same-gender partners, but because, well.
Jungkook would probably cry and Namjoon is not emotionally equipped to deal with that. Namjoon’s probably going to cry regardless, he’s made his peace with it, he’s willing to let it happen, but he can only deal with one onslaught of emotions at a time. Also, to be completely honest in the privacy and comfort of his own head, Namjoon is not entirely sure Jungkook’s not a virgin himself. Between their combined inexperience, Namjoon’s clumsiness, and Jungkook’s eagerness to please, Namjoon can already hear the ambulance sirens and see the headlines. Jungkook’s out.
Taehyung and Jimin are out for a very different reason. Namjoon knows for a fact they’ve both had sex before. Taehyung because the kid has never met a thought he didn’t immediately want to share with the class, and that includes his musing on the nature of human connection through his experience of penetration. Jimin is slightly more discreet, but Namjoon has seen too many errant hickeys in intimate places during quick wardrobe changes not to assume Jimin’s gotten close and personal with a fair number of genitals in his time. A fair number in this case being one and up. The issue, then, is that, well, Namjoon’s embarrassed to admit this, but he’s intimidated. They’re both very intense people and Namjoon needs the opposite energy. He needs laid back. No pun intended.
So that leaves his fellow old men, Hoseok, Yoongi, and Seokjin.
The thing about Hoseok is that he’d absolutely do it in a heartbeat, in the spirit of helping a bro out. He’d probably phrase it exactly like that too. It’d be fun and it’d be uncomplicated because while Hoseok experiences all the emotions normal human beings feel, he’s never wanted to share one. The same however cannot be said about literally everything else. There are enough videos of Hoseok talking about his bowel movements out there to prove Namjoon’s point. If he slept with Hoseok everyone would know about seventeen minutes after and they’d know exactly how long it lasted and which positions they tried. Again, Namjoon is not embarrassed about being a virgin or wanting to lose his virginity, but there’s only so much a guy wants his bandmates and staff members to know about his sex life.
Yoongi would be a good fit. He’s chill and he’d be nice, Namjoon knows this with certainty. Whether he’d agree or turn Namjoon down, he’d be nice about it. But, well, it’d be awkward. It wouldn’t be anyone’s fault, but it would be excruciating. Yoongi is incapable of being anything except perfectly genuine at all times and Namjoon loves that about him. He loves that Yoongi would rather sit through interminable hours of awkwardness rather than let something important slide. Namjoon’s pretty sure it’s why they’ve lasted so long as a band. Still, Namjoon can’t risk it. Namjoon absolutely cannot deal with things being sex awkward between them, his body can’t handle it.
Which brings him to Seokjin. Seokjin’s a cool guy. Which isn’t exactly true, Seokjin just plays one on TV, but he doesn’t let awkwardness linger. Whereas Namjoon will replay a slightly awkward turn of phrase in his head for years after the fact, Seokjin just moves on. He acknowledges the awkwardness, makes a joke about it, and then he goes on with his life. This is the kind of energy Namjoon wants to bring to his first foray into sexual experiences. It doesn’t hurt that Seokjin is stupidly good-looking. Namjoon isn’t blind nor dead and he’d have to be both to not realize that Seokjin is hot. He’s also kind, which is really what does it for Namjoon in the end.
Seokjin it is.
It’s not that Namjoon isn’t worried about it. About the asking, about the sex, about the after. He’s Bangtan’s leader. It’s his job to worry.
He just figures that if he’s spending so much time worrying about this, about his virginity, about sex, relationships, all of it, then maybe it’s worth addressing. That’s all mental space that could go towards music, lyrics, and choreography, instead.
So, really, this quest is, in a way, also a service he’s providing his fellow members.
If it goes south, the bad way, not the genital way, well, they’ve weathered worse things as a group than their leader asking his hyung to have sex with him. He trusts them all to be kind about it. They’re always kind, when it really matters.
He trusts Seokjin to be kind most of all.
And if it goes well, if someone decides to go south the genital way, well. Well, then that’s great. That’s a burden off his shoulders. He could relax, maybe. He does trust Seokjin to be kind, afterall.
Now that Namjoon has made his decision, he just needs to approach Seokjin. It should be easy, considering they live together, but well, that’s sort of the issue. They live together, alongside five other guys who don’t understand the concept of privacy and locked doors.
In a stunning display of luck and proactive thinking, getting them all out of the house is, surprisingly, easy enough.
Jimin has been whining for a while that he wants to try out a new style of clothes, so Namjoon suggests he and Hoseok go on a shopping trip together. Hoseok is slightly less enthusiastic than Jimin is, if the death glare he shoots Namjoon is anything to go by, but he’ll live. Namjoon will definitely pay for this sooner rather than later, but that’s okay.
Taehyung goes out on his own, to spend time with some friends from high school who still live in Seoul. He tells Namjoon everything about the whos, the whys and the wheres for a good twenty minutes while he gets ready and Namjoon is loitering in his room to make sure he’s really leaving. Namjoon absorbs absolutely none of it. He’s pretty sure he’ll feel terrible about it later and make it up to Taehyung, but for now he has bigger fish to fry.
Jungkook goes easily once Namjoon sets him up with a friend of his who’s interning in a tattoo parlor. Jungkook has been begging Namjoon to introduce them for ages and Namjoon has always refused because that’s just a headache he doesn’t want to deal with. But this is an emergency and Namjoon is desperate. Afterall, it’s just a meeting, what’s the worst that can happen?
Yoongi just takes one suspiciously long look at Namjoon, eyes narrowing, scanning his face and then his body. Namjoon is sweating. He’s just about to open his mouth and apologize to his hyung, for what, exactly, he isn’t sure, when Yoongi loudly announces he’s going to the studio to work and books it out of the dorm.
Well. That was weird.
At least they’re out.
Namjoon takes a big, steadying breath and knocks on Seokjin’s door.
“Come in?” Seokjin says, sounding hesitant.
“You’re not sure about that?” Namjoon asks, coming into Seokjin’s room. Seokjin is at his desk, a game frozen on the screen while he’s facing Namjoon.
“No, it’s that none of you monsters ever knock, you usually just barge in.” He replies.
“That’s not true! I definitely always knock.” Namjoon protests, despite the fact that they both know that he does not, in fact, ever knock. He might be part of the problem.
“Have you come here to lie to my face, Namjoon-ah?” Seokjin asks, already smiling and moving his eyebrows wildly.
Seokjin has, objectively, from a purely scientific perspective, a lovely face, Namjoon knows that. It’s perfectly symmetrical, as Seokjin is fond of reminding anyone within earshot. Namjoon has spent a good portion of their trainee days being mystified and appalled by Seokjin’s face, so he feels like he’s a bit of an expert.
The issue with Seokjin’s face is that it’s at its most appealing when Seokjin is doing stupid things with it. Like right now. With his stupid eyebrows and his tired eyes and his nice lips.
This was a mistake.
Namjoon groans and flops face down onto Seokjin’s bed, which earns him a squawk.
Maybe he could smother himself with one of Seokjin’s pillows. That’d be a fitting way to go. Ironic, all things considered. Sure, he’d be the only one with all the information necessary to get the irony, but sometimes sacrifices must be made.
Namjoon hears the noise of the desk chair being rolled closer to the bed. A long finger pokes him in the side. He doesn’t even have the energy to squirm away. Considering what Namjoon’s here for, he probably deserves it.
“Namjoon, why have you decided to die in my room of all places? Yoongi’s room is just across the hallway and everything is already black and ready for mourning. Wouldn’t you prefer to spend your last minutes there?” Seokjin asks in his best approximation of a concerned tone. His finger is still relentlessly poking Namjoon’s side.
Namjoon takes a breath. In an unprecedented show of quick reflexes, he grabs Seokjin’s finger before it can be jammed into his flesh again and he turns around to face him. He still has a chance to scrap this entire thing. He could never open his mouth and Seokjin would never know. He could live out his virginhood with dignity and acceptance and let nature take its course. He could ask someone else.
Namjoon can feel a creeping sense of disappointment at all those options. He’s doing this. In for a penny, in for a pound…ing.
Namjoon groans again.
“I hate my brain.” He says, for good measure.
Seokjin chuckles and the sound makes something warm spread in Namjoon’s chest.
“Hyung.” He says. “Jin-hyung.” He specifies, even though they’re the only people in the room. “I have to ask you something.”
“Can I have my finger back first?” Seokjin asks, gesturing with his free hand to where Namjoon is still holding onto his finger for dear life. Namjoon nods and does as he’s asked. This is already so weird; he’s making it weird.
“Okay, so.” Namjoon starts. He clears his throat and sits up, legs crossed. “I’m a virgin.”
Seokjin blinks at him slowly a couple of times, processing. Then he grins.
“And you’ve come here to ask me to take your virginity because I’m the most handsome man you know and you assumed I’d also be a gentle lover.” Seokjin says and Namjoon’s head shoots up from where he’s been intently staring at an unidentified point to the left of Seokjin’s waist. Seokjin starts snickering and Namjoon relaxes a fraction. “I can’t say I’m surprised. I always thought it’d be Jungkook though, to be completely honest.” Seokjin continues, his snickering now giving way to full laughter.
“Hyung.” Namjoon says, mostly succeeding in keeping the whine out of his voice.
Seokjin stops laughing then, and that’s worse, because Namjoon can see the wheels move behind his eyes.
Abruptly, Seokjin stands up, bolts out of the door and starts screaming.
Namjoon allows himself a moment to be as stunned as he feels he should be.
He had envisioned this going in a fair number of ways. He had imagined Seokjin saying yes, he had imagined Seokjin saying no, he had imagined Seokjin saying he needed time to think. He had not, in any possible configuration, imagined Seokjin getting up and screaming.
It feels like a failure of imagination on his part, to be honest.
Namjoon gets up and follows Seokjin out.
“You usually manage to keep the screaming on the inside, hyung.” Namjoon feels like pointing out once Seokjin has finally stopped yelling.
Seokjin glares at him from where he’s pacing in the living room.
Seokjin is being dramatic, which Namjoon actually appreciates. After these many years together Namjoon has become adept at separating facts and fiction when it comes to his hyung, even when they’re both peddled by the same person. Seokjin is hamming it up. He’s not going to have to deal with Serious Seokjin.
Serious Seokjin is terrifying and reserved for when someone has genuinely fucked up, and G-d help them, they’re gonna go on an apology tour if it kills them. Namjoon has been on the receiving end of Serious Seokjin a few times in his life and it’s always been a deeply unpleasant experience. Serious Seokjin is, however, very hot.
So, swings and roundabouts, really.
“Well, my- my- you! You don’t usually ask me to have sex with you!” Seokjin says, then winces, presumably at the volume he just shouted that at. Namjoon pats himself on the back for thinking this whole thing through well enough to get the others out of the dorm. “Sorry, Namjoon-ah, hyung didn’t mean to yell, let’s go back to my room.” He continues, suitably chastened.
“Oh, it’s okay, hyung. We’re home alone.” Namjoon reassures him.
“A trap! In my own home!” Seokjin accuses him, complete with pointing fingers, which Namjoon feels is a bit unnecessary.
“I think normal people call it a conversation, hyung.” Namjoon says, fighting off the urge to roll his eyes.
He’s not feeling great about this conversation. He feels like maybe Seokjin is making fun of him, or rather, the situation. But he is the situation. It makes him feel small in a way he doesn’t like. Like maybe he should play it off as a joke and try to forget about the whole thing. Retreat to his room. Move to New Zealand to raise sheep. He’s never met a sheep, but he has been to New Zealand before, so he thinks he could probably hack it.
“You’re way too relaxed about this, I don’t like it.” Seokjin says after a while. The words sound like they should be a joke, but Seokjin’s tone is faltering.
Namjoon’s heart squeezes painfully, just once, just enough for something uncomfortable to lodge in the pit of his stomach. “I’m sorry, hyung, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t, Joon-ah.” He says, shoulders drawn up to his ears and voice shaky. “I’m just… surprised.”
“You can be a virgin at any age, hyung.” Namjoon protests, mostly for the sake of protesting.
“Yeah, I’m aware, thanks.” Seokjin replies, drily, but he doesn’t elaborate further.
They stare at each other. Seokjin’s ears are an incandescent shade of red, and there’s something Namjoon can’t quite read in his eyes, but he’s not saying no. He’s uncomfortable, Namjoon can see that much, he’s using humor to cover it up and not upset Namjoon. Yet, not once in this entire conversation he has said no.
This feels significant to Namjoon, whose heart has started beating wild in his chest.
“Let me think about it.” Seokjin settles on in the end, just loud enough for Namjoon to hear.
“Okay, so. It’s not a no.” Seokjin says, sitting down in front of Namjoon at the table.
Namjoon is too tired and frankly too wary of wasting perfectly good food to do a spit take, but the emotion is there. Instead, he just swallows his mouthful of rice like the dignified virgin he is.
Namjoon has been waiting for Seokjin to bring this up for the past ten days. He has given Seokjin space, careful not to give him so much space that it’s weird and awkward, but also just enough that he can make his own decision about it. It’s a careful balance to strike, one Namjoon is pleased with himself for achieving.
Namjoon has envisioned a few scenarios for this conversation. They mostly feature, for some reason, cramped broom closets and Seokjin’s broad chest pressed against his. They also feature Seokjin’s lips whispering in his ear rather prominently.
Maybe Namjoon has an intimacy kink. He should explore that.
Still, Seokjin is still Seokjin, so of course he chose the worst possible moment to confront Namjoon. One with nary an intimate or cramped space in sight.
“Should we maybe discuss this in private?” Namjoon asks, mostly because he feels like he should. The kitchen is empty, but they do, technically, live in a dorm and Seokjin is apparently not as considerate as Namjoon is.
Seokjin narrows his eyes. “Is this an elaborate plan to seduce me?” He asks. Namjoon can’t tell if he’s joking or not.
“Are you telling me or asking me?”
“I’m not trying to seduce you, hyung.” Namjoon concludes, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. “Pinkie promise.” He adds for good measure.
Seokjin nods. “Good, we can go to my room then.”
Namjoon looks longingly at his lunch. There’s no way he’s allowed to bring that with him to Seokjin’s room. Well, it’s either food or the chance of sex.
He stuffs some more meat and rice into his mouth before following Seokjin. He’s pretty sure the food will no longer be there when he comes back.
Seokjin is already sitting on his computer chair when Namjoon comes in. He goes to sit on the bed.
“Absolutely not!” Seokjin calls out, almost standing up with the force of it.
Namjoon sighs. “Where should I sit, hyung?”
“On the floor. Where I can keep an eye on you.”
Namjoon considers fighting Seokjin on this one. He’s already lost his lunch, he could do without losing his dignity, but well. Sex is still a possibility and it will be until this conversation is over. If he wants to fight Seokjin for being ridiculous, he can do it later.
He sits on the floor, legs crossed, resting on his hands behind him, so he can look up at Seokjin. If Seokjin had bad angles, this would be one of them, but he doesn’t, so if anything, he just looks bigger and steadier.
His ears are, however, remarkably red from the floor.
“No, this is worse, stand up.”
“Hyung! Come on!” Namjoon protests, this time not even bothering not to whine.
“Okay! Fine!” Seokjin replies, throwing his hands up and sitting on the floor so he’s at eye level with Namjoon. His ears are red from this angle too.
“So.” Namjoon starts, when it seems clear Seokjin isn’t going to say anything else.
Over the years Namjoon has gotten really good at starting awkward and difficult conversations. He’s also been on the receiving end of enough of them from his hyungs to know how the drill goes on the other side of the equation.
Still, it’s odd to be on the receiving end of it and having to initiate it at the same time. This is a clear violation of the rules of engagement. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like Seokjin is inclined to say anything. He’s just staring at Namjoon with a weird look on his face.
“Sex.” Namjoon says, palms starting to get sweaty, but voice mercifully steady.
“Stop!” Seokjin groans, covering his face with his hands.
“Aw, hyung, you weren’t this awkward when you gave us the sex talk.” Namjoon says.
He remembers the whole thing with startling clarity. Seokjin, face flushed but determined, hands gripping the couch’s armrest with way too much force. At the end they had just sincerely thanked him in a moment of unprecedented and never seen again moment of maturity.
No one had had the courage to tell him that Yoongi had given them a far less awkward sex talk months before. The kids still liked to pretend that they had never even heard about sex before Seokjin had talked to them about it.
“It’s one thing telling a bunch of hormonal teenagers to ‘wrap it before you tap it,’ it’s another to- to-”
“Have sex with one of them, I get it.” Namjoon stops Seokjin. Seokjin scoffs, presumably at the interruption, but he does let Namjoon continue. “You know, hyung, I came to you because I knew you’d let me know if you were uncomfortable with it, because you wouldn’t let it get weird.”
Something bizarre happens to Seokjin’s face then. His features soften, all delicate curves, mouth stretched in the small grin he always gets when he’s feeling fond.
“You’re weird.” He says, eventually, absolutely no bite to it.
“I’m- okay. Let’s talk about it.” Seokjin says after a few moments of silence. His voice is still soft, but steadier, shoulders squared back. He seems to have decided to take charge of the situation, which Namjoon will be eternally grateful for. “What would you like to happen during this… experience.”
“Uhm, orgasms. One would be fine. Ideally more.” Namjoon answers truthfully.
“Yes, okay, the specifics, Namjoon-ah, come on.” Seokjin asks, despite the fact that his face is contorting into a weird expression. Like he’d rather not know, maybe.
“You mean penetration.” Namjoon points out, mostly to aggravate Seokjin. He’s rewarded with a groan. “I don’t know, I’ve thought about it, but I think I should prepare for everything and let it happen organically. Also, you know, you’d have a say in this. Your preferences and stuff, I mean.”
“Thanks.” Seokjin replies. “What about after?”
“Hyung, come on, I’m not gonna try to marry you.” Namjoon says.
Okay, yes. He needs Seokjin to know that he’s not ignoring the potential emotional pitfalls of this. He knows sex isn’t just sex for a lot of people. He thinks he might absolutely be one of those people. He doesn’t think he can completely detach the physical from the emotional. He and Seokjin are friends, though. He can have sex with a friend and love him in a friend way.
“Hey! I’m a catch!”
“I’m sure.” Namjoon easily agrees, smiling placidly at Seokjin. Seokjin smiles back.
“Okay.” Seokjin replies after a moment. “Okay, let’s do it.”
“Really?” Namjoon asks.
“Yes, yes, let’s do it. Next time we have a free night in a hotel.” Seokjin says, climbing to his feet. He looks determined. Sure. Handsome. All things that fill Namjoon with horny confidence.
“I can’t believe you’re gonna deflower me, hyung.” Namjoon says when he’s already safely halfway out of the room.
Seokjin’s ringing screams of Yah, Kim Namjoon! Take that back! follow him out of the door and into the hallway.
Namjoon laughs all the way back to the kitchen, where he finds his lunch being devoured by Kim Taehyung. Taehyung is hunched over it, motionless, looking at Namjoon with wide eyes. Namjoon just rolls his eyes at him and leaves him to it.
He has some research to do, food can wait.
Things are hectic for a while and then they aren’t. They’re used to it by now, but this time Namjoon’s energy is through the roof. So much so that he got weird looks even from Jungkook.
He just can't shut up the part of his brain where there's a very loud, very obnoxious clock counting down the minutes until he's no longer a virgin.
Seokjin had said ‘the next time we're staying at a hotel’ and lo and behold! They're currently staying abroad. Seokjin hadn't said anything explicit to him, but he had sent him a text that very morning inviting him to his room after dinner tonight. The others sometimes make fun of Namjoon for not being able to read signals, but he read this one loud and clear.
He prepares himself before he goes. Showers thoroughly, using some fancy bath stuff he stole from Yoongi a while back. He gets dressed up, nothing too fancy, but nothing is stained and everything fits well enough.
He's not trying to woo Seokjin or anything, but they are going to have sex and he just thinks it would be nice if Seokjin didn't find him totally repulsive. Would probably help if Seokjin thought he was handsome and smelled nice. Just... in general.
Namjoon knocks on Seokjin's door at ten thirty sharp. He figures that's a generally appropriate time to have sex. Not early enough that he might still catch Seokjin having dinner, but not so late that they can't catch a full night's sleep after. He's considerate.
Seokjin opens the door and Namjoon's mouth goes dry.
Seokjin's handsome. That's like saying that water is wet and Namjoon is a virgin. It's such a fundamentally recognized truth that he feels silly even thinking it, and maybe it's because the context is different, but Namjoon can't help but be floored by it all over again. He's not wearing anything special, but he seems to have made an effort, nonetheless. Even the t-shirt he's wearing seems to fit way better than anything else he owns, broad shoulders and chest on display under the thin cotton of it.
"Namjoon-ah, I'm not into exhibitionism, come in." Seokjin says.
Namjoon snorts, because he thinks he should, but he's pretty sure he left his thinking brain in his room. Just. No rational thought is going through his head at this time.
He hopes there's no urgent Bangtan emergency in the immediate future, because as far as he's concerned, if the emergency doesn't revolve around Seokjin's shoulders, they're all on their own.
Namjoon goes to sit on Seokjin's hotel bed and stops in his tracks. There's wine on the bedside table and red roses on the other. He's pretty sure he sees chocolate covered strawberries in a corner of the bed.
He can't help the grin that overtakes his face. He turns delightedly towards Seokjin. "Hyung."
Seokjin's ears are predictably very red and his arms are crossed, but there's something fun in his eye. "What? What? It's your first time. I panicked."
"And you defaulted to the softcore 80s porn look?" Namjoon asks, sitting on the bed with enough force to bounce on it once, before settling.
“How are you so calm about this? You don't get to be calm about this!”
“Really? Really? You can overthink buying toothpaste, turning it into a sprawling philosophical debate about ethics, but this is the one thing you’re completely calm about?” Seokjin asks, finally coming to sit on the bed next to Namjoon.
"I told you, hyung, I came to you because I trust you. Because I know you'll make me feel good and safe, but only if you also feel good and safe." Namjoon says, ignoring the warning bells in his head that are telling him he's saying too much, being too open. He thinks all those things about Seokjin regardless of context. He deserves to know them.
Seokjin seems to absorb this for a second. Namjoon isn’t sure he wants to know what conclusion he’s arriving at, so instead he says: “This feels like a date.”
The effect is immediate, because Seokjin just puffs his chest and his cheeks, the way he does when he’s about to go on a tirade.
“I don’t know what kind of men you’re used to, but I’m a gentleman, Kim Namjoon. I don’t-”
“Hit it and quit it. I get it.”
Seokjin groans, pained, into his hands. Namjoon laughs, merciless.
“You’re making this so difficult for me, specifically.”
“Would you say I’m making it hard?” He asks.
“Don’t you dare! Puns are my thing. Sex puns doubly so.” Seokjin argues back.
“Ugh, hyung, please no puns, sexual or otherwise.”
“Pft, please. You’re a novice. Sex puns are such an advanced move, you’d pull a muscle.”
It’s nice, it’s a nice rhythm they have going on. Namjoon has always found the cadence of Seokjin’s voice comforting, both the deeper, quieter moments and the lighter, higher notes of it. He likes Seokjin’s words of comfort and his scoldings, his singing and his yelling.
Namjoon- he melts around Seokjin. There’s no other way to describe it really, and he’s embarrassed about it, but he can admit it to himself in the safety of his own head. No one manages to relax him or get him out of his head the way Seokjin does. Maybe it’s because he’s the eldest, maybe it’s because he’s just a generally soothing presence, maybe it’s his unfailing quest to live life in the pursuit of happiness.
Whatever it is, it warms Namjoon up from the inside, spreading out like water in a warm bath.
"Joon-ah?" Seokjin says, his voice bringing Namjoon back to earth. His face is serious, his eyes are still amused, but there’s a gravity to them now. Like this is going to be fun, but also important, so please pay attention, Kim Namjoon, and don’t forget to enjoy it.
"I'm going to kiss you now, is that okay?" He asks, putting a hand on Namjoon's own hand, the fingers slimmer, but equally as long, the palm warm.
Namjoon nods, smiles a reassuring smile at Seokjin, who looks like he needs it.
Then Seokjin schools his features, and trains his eyes on Namjoon's own, face coming closer and closer, until, finally, their lips touch.
This, at least, Namjoon has a fair amount of experience of. The kiss is, at first, just a sweet brushing of lips, warm and reassuring. Seokjin had really good lips, big and soft and made for kissing. Then he parts them a little, just a hint, just enough to get the kiss a bit wetter and hotter.
Namjoon exhales into it, warm air shared between them and Seokjin opens his lips a bit more. Namjoon takes it as an invitation to bite lightly at Seokjin’s lower lip and then soothe it with his tongue. Seokjin tastes like peppermint and like himself and it makes Namjoon shiver a little into the kiss, wondering how much more of Seokjin he’ll get to taste tonight.
They kiss like that for a little while, alternating between softer and deeper kisses, exploring and building up to something more.
Namjoon thinks idly he could do this forever. Seokjin’s mouth on his, Seokjin’s hands on him, one on his thigh and the other on his shoulder, Seokjin’s breath in his lungs. It’s a lot and almost not enough at the same time.
It’s not sexy, per se, it’s not the stuff porn movies and tasteful erotic novels are made of, but maybe it should be. Every touch, no matter how small or innocent, is making goosebumps break out on Namjoon’s skin, nerve endings standing on attention, even the anticipation of it electric.
They separate to catch their breath and there’s something in Seokjin’s eyes. Something not quite dark, but getting there. Getting hungry. It makes a shiver run down Namjoon’s spine.
They kiss again, this time Seokjin’s hands find their way under Namjoon’s shirt, skin on skin and Namjoon can’t quite stop the sound that leaves his mouth. Luckily for him, Seokjin’s mouth is right there, ready to swallow it down and then lick the seam between Namjoon’s lips.
Namjoon takes his chance to get his own hands on some skin. Finally roaming the planes of Seokjin’s stomach and his broad back. The skin is soft and the muscle as firm as he’d envisioned.
Namjoon isn’t a stranger to making out either, but this is making out with purpose. This is making out with an end goal. His dick is the end goal.
In a flurry of movement, they both manage to get their shirts off. There’s a close call when Namjoon almost tumbles off the bed when his head gets stuck, but he manages to liberate himself without any casualties. If he doesn’t finish the night at the ER he’s going to count it as a win.
“Are you sure this is what you want, Namjoon-ah?” Seokjin asks. He’s cupping Namjoon’s cheek with one of his hands, which is a dirty move and a distracting one at that.
Still, Namjoon tries his best to actually think about it. Is he sure? Is he sure he wants to keep making out with Seokjin, who’s nice and has great lips and touches him with care and purpose? Is he sure he wants to have sex with him? Yeah, he’s fucking sure.
“Yes, hyung, I’m sure. Get your pants off.” He says, getting up to get rid of his own pants.
Seokjin laughs, but does as he’s asked and strips down to his underwear.
And then they’re just Namjoon and Seokjin, in their boxers, looking at each other. It makes Namjoon want to laugh, mostly because he feels a bit awkward and a lot exposed, even though they’ve seen each other naked plenty of times. It’s all, however, eclipsed by how much he wants to get off.
Seokjin is a vision on the hotel sheets. Lean and strong and there for Namjoon to touch. So he does.
Seokjin, as if reading his mind, has climbed higher on the bed, sprawling himself in the dead center of it. Namjoon approaches him from the side, crawling until he’s within touching distance. He puts a hand on Seokjin’s chest, right where his heart is beating a wonderful rhythm and kisses him again.
It’s a thorough sort of kiss. A let me learn the topography of your mouth sort of kiss. It’s possibly one of the best kisses Namjoon has ever given if he can say so himself.
Going by Seokjin’s dazed expression when he pulls back, he seems to think so too.
“You’re good at that.” Seokjin says, licking his lips.
“Thanks, you too.” Namjoon says and it must sound weird because Seokjin chuckles warmly before opening his arms and beckoning Namjoon.
Namjoon doesn’t have to be told twice. He settles himself on Seokjin’s chest, except now they’re touching, his nipples brushing against Seokjin’s heated skin while they’re kissing and it’s just. It’s a lot.
He’s getting painfully hard.
“What do you want, Namjoon-ah?”
“Hyung, can I touch you?”
“Yeah, yeah, touch me, Joon-ah.”
Seokjin raises his hips enough to help Namjoon get his underwear off as he roots around the bedside table and takes out a container of lube. Namjoon is confronted with Seokjin’s hard dick as Seokjin settles back on the bed. It’s an objectively great looking dick. So much so that Namjoon is almost mad about it. Of course Seokjin’s dick would choose to personally victimize him by being pretty.
Namjoon feels himself flush as he coats his hand in lube and then wraps his hand around Seokjin’s dick.
It’s… it’s different. The weight is familiar, but the angle is wrong. Namjoon would love nothing more than to default to those hours spent watching porn and reading erotic novels and webtoons, but unfortunately he can’t recall a single thing about them. He lets instincts overtake him and sends a prayer to Taehyung’s agnostic angels to help him.
Seokjin, for his part, seems to be enjoying Namjoon’s fumbling attempts just fine, if the way his breathing has gotten heavier is any indication.
“You’re doing well, Namjoon-ah.” He says, warm and sweet like honey and Namjoon can’t suppress the shudder he feels rippling through him.
Oh. That’s nice.
“Did I just get a first row seat to you discovering a kink?” Seokjin asks and he’s smiling, but it looks a bit dazed, even more so when Namjoon flicks his wrist once he’s reached the head of his dick.
It’s such a bizarre symphony of sensations, getting someone else off. There’s the feeling of it. Touching a dick and not feeling it. The visual. Seokjin laid out under him, beautiful and worked up. The sounds. Seokjin’s harsh breaths and the sound of skin on skin and lube. Namjoon can’t even focus enough to respond to Seokjin’s teasing.
“Come here, Namjoon-ah.” Seokjin says and Namjoon can’t do anything but obey. He regretfully lets go of Seokjin’s dick, unceremoniously wiping his hand against the bedsheets, and climbs back up.
Seokjin wraps his arms around him, his dick brushing against Namjoon’s clothed erection. It’s so much already, almost too much.
And then Seokjin whispers into his ear wanna find out another kink? before deftly flipping them around.
Namjoon has always known, intellectually, that Seokjin is strong, that he can bench press about a Namjoon and a half. Still, it’s one thing knowing something and another thing experiencing it. Namjoon suddenly cannot stop thinking about Seokjin pinning him to the mattress and fucking him stupid.
He can barely stop himself from coming on the spot by doing some quick math in his head. He’s not even 100% sure that the square root of 169 is 13, but it’s helping him not immediately blow his load, so there’s that.
“I knew you would like that.” Seokjin says, cocking his head to the side a little. He’s smiling but he’s also looking at Namjoon a bit speculatively and Namjoon knows he’s particularly sensitive right now, but it’s really, really hot. “Can I take your underwear off?”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever you want.” Maybe he should be embarrassed about saying that, but it’s not like he doesn’t mean it, so.
Seokjin takes his boxers off and then Namjoon is naked and Seokjin is looking at his dick and licking his lips and the whole thing is just, visually, terrible.
“Hyung, please.” Namjoon whines. He’s so worked up already, precome wetting the tip of his dick where it’s resting on his stomach. He’s not sure he’s ever been this turned on in his entire life.
“‘Please’ what?” Seokjin asks and he’s still looking at him and not touching him and Namjoon is going to cry. He’s not even going to be mortified about it because Seokjin is playing dirty .
“ Hyung !”
He’s about to say something embarrassing and potentially career-ending, like for the love of everything holy, fuck me, or stop being mean to the virgin , or the evergreen I am this band’s leader when Seokjin finally takes pity on him and puts his mouth on Namjoon’s dick.
It’s unlike anything Namjoon’s ever experienced before. Seokjin’s mouth is warm and wet and on his dick . He truly cannot stress how much Seokjin is currently on his dick. It’s making his brain leak out of his ears, he’s sure.
After that he can only really process things in snippets. Seokjin’s lips wrapped around his dick, pink and stretched out. His tongue tracing the sensitive vein on the underside of it. Wet, warm, wonderful. Seokjin’s skin and his hair under his fingers. Seokjin’s eyes, playful but determined, trained on him. Seokjin’s hands, massaging his thighs.
It doesn’t take very long for Namjoon to feel his orgasm reach the event horizon.
“Hyung, hyung, I’m gonna-” He says.
Seokjin just hums around his dick and Namjoon can feel it, can feel the vibrations pass through him and he’s coming, coming in Seokjin’s mouth, down his throat and there’s some deeply undignified sounds coming out of him.
“Hyung, come here.” Namjoon says, grabbing Seokjin by the shoulder and bringing him up.
They kiss, more tongue than finesse, Namjoon coming down and Seokjin still worked up and Namjoon can taste himself on Seokjin’s tongue and that’s so weird and so hot . Namjoon is pretty sure he’s going to find most things Seokjin does hot now. Seokjin is going to fart during a pre-show huddle and Namjoon is going to get a semi, he’s making his peace with it.
Seokjin’s dick is still hard, rubbing in a lazy rhythm against Namjoon’s skin, against the place where his thigh meets his pelvis and it feels so good. Namjoon grabs Seokjin’s ass with both hands and guides him into a faster pace, building and building, kicking his hips up to meet his thrusts whenever he finds the energy for it. It’s not long before Seokjin comes too all over Namjoon’s thigh, hands clutching Namjoon’s sides and mouth leaving faint marks against his neck and collarbones.
They clean up quickly after that, because Namjoon is starting to fall asleep, but it’s nice and normal. Seokjin wipes him down with some wet wipes, crams strawberries and water into his mouth and Namjoon pretends to be put-upon about it. Seokjin makes fun of Namjoon’s newfound kinks and Namjoon thinks about asking for round two in the morning. They get under the covers and they cuddle because Seokjin demands it and Namjoon doesn’t mind.
Between a joke and a kiss, Namjoon falls asleep.
Namjoon wakes up with a jolt. He’s sweaty and thirsty and there’s a heavy arm slung over his waist and a warm chest pressed to his back. He can feel Seokjin’s smushed cheek against his shoulder.
There’s a pit in Namjoon’s stomach he can’t quite decipher and maybe he shouldn’t try when it’s so late and he’s sleepy, but he finds himself too awake to ignore it.
It hits him, suddenly and with a force he wasn’t quite expecting, that he should probably leave.
Seokjin didn’t sign up for cuddling and for sleeping together in the strictest sense. He’s crossing boundaries by staying and letting it happen. He should have left right after.
If he leaves now, Seokjin won’t have to kick him out tomorrow.
He disentangles himself from Seokjin slowly, careful not to wake him. He has to contort in some bizarre ways to achieve this, and usually he’d find it funny, laugh at himself a little, but he’s feeling sad.
He just had sex, amazing sex at that! and he’s sad.
He’s sad as he watches Seokjin snuffle softly in his sleep and curl up to make up for the loss of Namjoon’s warmth. He’s sad as he puts his rumpled clothes back on. He’s sad as he finds his way back to his room.
The sadness lingers as he falls back asleep.
Namjoon is resolutely not moping, no matter what Yoongi keeps telling him.
Things with Seokjin are completely normal, which is nice. It’s what he wanted to begin with. He was very clear on that front, at the beginning of this whole thing.
He still feels weird.
They’ve talked about it a little bit. Seokjin sweetly checking in on him to make sure he was okay and didn’t regret it or anything like that. Namjoon doesn’t regret it, but he regrets something and he can’t quite figure out what.
And okay, he’s been researching this on the internet, he knows that this is a normal physiological response. He’s got hormones and stuff floating around his body now. That’s probably what’s making him be more contemplative than usual and looking at Seokjin longer than strictly necessary. Why he feels a pang of something that tastes dangerously like longing in his chest every time he sees that Seokjin isn’t looking back.
Why he’s horny all the damn time.
Namjoon swears there’s a good chance he might be going through puberty again.
Now that he’s had sex he knows how it feels and he wants to do it all the time. It would probably be way more inconvenient if a) Namjoon didn’t have a lot of practice controlling his horny thoughts after the hellscape that was his adolescence; and b) if he wasn’t so busy with work and the aforementioned contemplating.
So, yeah, they talked about it and then Seokjin had asked him something work related and then they had a twenty-five minute discussion about aliens. It’s normal, it’s all extremely normal. Seokjin isn’t treating him any different than usual, and he’s trying his best to do the same.
Namjoon feels a weird sense of deja vu when Yoongi shuffles into his field of vision and plops himself right in front of him, awkwardly dragging the airport lounge armchair closer.
There are a lot of unspoken rules Bangtan have developed during the years. One of them is the assumption of privacy. If two members are in a corner, head bowed together, the others know to leave them alone. Namjoon has been to many a-huddle corners, but he’s usually the one initiating them.
“He told you, didn’t he.”
Yoongi nods. It would seem grave on anyone else’s face, but he just looks sleepy. “He had to. It’s the eternal roommate code.”
“You guys talked for less than three minutes each day you lived together.” Namjoon replies. He’s being petty and childish, but he’s suddenly embarrassed and he doesn’t even know why . Of all the people catching him out, Yoongi is possibly the best possible option. He will leave him alone if Namjoon asks, and he’ll listen if Namjoon wants to talk.
Maybe Namjoon is embarrassed that he’s still not sure which one it is he wants.
“Yes, and it was great. It really cemented our friendship.” Yoongi replies, face blank in the way he gets when he thinks he just said something funny.
“Oh, really? So hyung knows about the Great Dildo Incident of 2016, does he?” Namjoon asks.
He immediately feels bad about it. Yoongi, Hoseok, and Namjoon had made a pact to never bring it up again. Instead of calling him out on his broken promise, however, Yoongi just nods. He looks pained.
Namjoon is momentarily shocked into silence.
Yoongi blinks slowly at him.
“Oh. Okay. I am going to be honest here, I was not expecting that.”
“Eternal roommate code. Mutual assured destruction. Call it whatever works for you.” Yoongi shrugs.
Namjoon is suddenly very curious about what this code entails. To be honest, Namjoon and the others have always tended to leave Seokjin and Yoongi to their own devices, never particularly interested in what was going on behind their dorm room door. He’s beginning to regret that.
“I can’t believe you told him about the Great Dildo Incident of 2016, though.” Namjoon says. He can’t quite hide the note of mortified horror in his voice.
“I had to. We have an agreement, if one of us ever falls on hard times we’re allowed to sell each other’s worst stories to the press for money.” Yoongi replies, like that’s a normal thing to do and then tell a friend about.
“That’s the worst thing you’ve ever said to me, hyung. Bar none.”
Yoongi shrugs. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.” He looks unbothered by Namjoon’s poor reception of his potentially life-ruining little blood pact. “Now, Joon-ah, tell hyung what happened.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“The fact that the world could be plunged into World War III tomorrow and I’d still find someone willing to pay a fortune to slap the story on the front page begs to differ.” Yoongi replies placidly. He takes a sip of his coffee. Wipes his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt instead of the perfectly good napkin in his hand. Uses said perfectly good napkin to wipe down the condensation from his iced americano instead. “Are you, or are you not, implementing a crazy scheme to seduce Seokjin-hyung?”
“No!” Namjoon says. Well, half yells, really, if the confused stares from the other people in the lounge, mostly the rest of Bangtan and their staff, are any indication. He just smiles at them until they realize no one is being mauled to death or something, and go back to what they were doing.
There’s a reason why Min Yoongi knows more industry gossip than every Korean and international gossip magazine put together. Two, actually. Number one, no one ever checks whether he’s actually sleeping before having important conversations around him. Number two, he’s good at doing the thing where he cocks his head to the side and blinks slowly, like a cat, until his conversation partner is lulled into a false sense of security and spills the beans.
Yoongi then has the gall to do this thing, as he’s dishing said industry gossip, where he whines that he doesn’t want to know and it’s not his fault people just tell him things.
He’s doing the cat thing now, warm, inquisitive eyes trained on Namjoon’s face.
“Okay, whatever, Jin-hyung took my virginity, I am handling it.” Namjoon says, words tumbling out of him like very embarrassing marbles down a staircase.
Namjoon has seen Yoongi express many emotions during the years they’ve been friends and have lived together. People tend to mischaracterize him as emotionless, but they’re just bad at reading him. He’s subtle about things, but he doesn’t tend to hide or obfuscate.
That said, Namjoon doesn’t think he’s ever seen him like this, eyes like saucers, mouth hanging open. If Namjoon were to look up the definition of ‘surprise’ or maybe even ‘shock,’ he’s pretty sure Yoongi’s face as it is now would come up.
It would be hilarious if it weren’t directed at Namjoon.
“I’m sorry, he- what? Your what?” Yoongi asks once he seems to have regained full function of his features.
“Oh. He didn’t tell you that, did he?” Namjoon asks. “Stop looking at hyung like that!” Yoongi’s narrowed eyes snap back to focusing on him.
“Sorry, Joon-ah. Hyung is gonna stop being weird now, I was just putting together some missing pieces.” Yoongi replies after a beat. He goes back to his americano.
“Why stop now after a long and successful twenty-six year streak?” Namjoon asks, hoping this conversation is finally over.
“Don’t get smart with me, Joon-ah. You don’t know enough of my shameful secrets for this destruction to be mutually assured.” Yoongi warns. “Now, tell hyung what’s going on.”
This is another one of Yoongi’s shameless tricks. Where he adopts his radio DJ voice and he speaks slowly and evenly and suddenly Namjoon’s telling him about all his deepest and darkest fears and then, sure, he feels better, but then he can’t even bear to look at him for a good couple of days. Which is terrible when they live and work together and are also friends.
“There’s not much to know. I asked hyung a favor, he said yes. Things will go back to normal soon.” Namjoon knows he’s being brusque and that he sounds sullen, like a sulking teenager. Unfortunately, Yoongi is well acquainted with that side of Namjoon, having had to live with it for years. So much so, that he has become frustratingly immune to it.
Namjoon almost wishes Yoongi would scold him, remind him of his place, instead of fixing him with those kind eyes. He feels dangerously close to something he doesn’t want to confront. Something he might need to side step for a little bit more.
Of course Yoongi isn’t going to let him do that.
Yoongi isn’t going to help him dig through the dirt to bring up the gnarled roots of his feelings, but he is going to gently hold his hands as they cup around the rich, earthy brown of them and tell him hey, look at this, look at what you did .
“Joon-ah, you’re very smart.”
“I’m listening.” Namjoon says and despite himself, he really is.
“Why didn’t you come to hyung with it?” Yoongi asks.
It’s not what Namjoon was expecting, but at least it’s a question he can answer easily.
“I just. I didn’t want things to be awkward between us.” He says, but even as he says it, he knows it’s not quite the truth.
“Even after the Great Dildo Incident of 2016?” Yoongi raises an eyebrow at him and Namjoon wishes he would stop talking about dildos in public. Mostly because it’s getting him a little worked up and really, they’re in public, he’s over this part of his life. “Okay, why didn’t you ask Seok, then?” Yoongi continues, unaware of Namjoon’s inner turmoil.
“I was afraid he’d talk about it.” Namjoon replies, crossing his arms, sounding unconvincing even to himself.
Yoongi’s other eyebrow also shoots up, and while now he just looks overly surprised, or like his eyebrows are about to take flight off his forehead, Namjoon gets it.
Yoongi wouldn’t have been awkward about it, because it would have been Namjoon asking. Hoseok wouldn’t have talked about it, because he knows Namjoon wouldn’t want him to. Jimin and Taehyung would have been calm and laid back, and Jungkook would have sewn his own tear ducts shut if it would have made Namjoon happy.
When confronted with all of that, Namjoon has to admit to himself that he chose Seokjin because he wanted to do this with him and that’s mildly terrifying.
“Just talk to Jin-hyung when you get the chance, yeah?” Yoongi says, getting up. He has managed to finish his americano in the time it took Namjoon to have an existential crisis and a pretty significant revelation about his own feelings.
“I will, thanks hyung.”
And with that, Namjoon is left to himself.
In a mirror of the scene that started this whole situation, Namjoon finds himself knocking on Seokjin’s door.
Sure, he doesn’t wait for Seokjin to actually say it’s okay to come in before pushing the door open this time, but it’s the thought that counts.
He finds Seokjin sprawled on his bed, phone way too close to his face for it to be comfortable.
“You are part of the problem, Kim Namjoon.” Seokjin says, not even sparing him a glance.
“Sorry.” Namjoon says, more on autopilot than because he really feels it. “Are you busy?”
“Extremely.” Seokjin answers, but he pats the space next to him on the bed.
Namjoon thinks over the years they have all developed far too much of a Pavlovian response to Seokjin asking them to do stuff. He’s pretty sure he can count on the fingers of one hand how many times he’s refused to do something Seokjin has asked and he refuses to believe it’s entirely because he’s been terribly in love for some time now. He still has some dignity left.
The point is: Seokjin asks, and even though Namjoon’s mind is going a mile a minute thinking about whether he should have kept the door open, or whether he should sit on the bed or would that be weird, or whether he should take his phone out too and try to be casual about this, his body has already taken all his choices for him on the strength of Seokjin’s command alone. His body has decided that the door should be closed, that he should lie down, stiff as a board, and look at the ceiling willing his muscles to relax. His body is not his friend.
Despite what recent events may suggest, Namjoon is usually pretty in touch with his emotions. There’s hours and hours of footage out there to attest to Namjoon’s propensity for getting into his feelings about something and waxing poetics about it. Even more hours have been spent discussing those feelings with the others. So, really, there’s no reason for him to be as terrified about it as it is.
He's just afraid of Seokjin's reaction, of being dismissed out of hand. He knows Seokjin will listen to him patiently, with his sweet eyes trained on Namjoon's face, lips slightly parted, as if he wants to say something but he's waiting for Namjoon to be done first. Namjoon knows all of this from countless other conversations they have had. Some even about Namjoon's feelings.
The thing is, Namjoon is afraid Seokjin will tell Namjoon what Namjoon already knows. That he's feeling these new things because they have had sex and now his brain is conflating that with intimacy and romantic interest. Seokjin will probably take his hand and tell him to wait for it to pass and that it's going to be fine and that they can forget the whole thing ever happened. And then Namjoon will be forced to admit that the feelings predate the sex, probably by a few several months, possibly by a few several years.
What if Seokjin feels betrayed by that? He had sex Namjoon to help a friend out, not to be accidentally parent trapped by Namjoon's emotionally horny brain into a romantic relationship. Still, Namjoon thinks it would be worse to never say anything and let the feelings linger and fester in the dark recesses of his soul.
He can already feel the itch to write a few dozen songs about this whole thing and he's not good enough of a liar, not when it matters, to pretend they're not all about Seokjin. While he's sure he could weave a great metaphor about jacking off and his musical output, it might be a bit too gross even for him.
“I get it, yeah? Hyung’s gonna stop being weird about it soon, you don’t have to worry about it.” Seokjin says after the silence has stretched for an uncomfortable amount of time.
“I’m not worried.” Namjoon lies. He’s not sure what’s happening here, and not knowing is making him worry even more. “Wait, what is it that you’re getting?”
“You know, the whole… attachment thing. We can pretend it never happened.” Seokjin replies. He’s still looking at his phone, but his fingers aren’t moving and Namjoon can see the screen has gone dark.
It makes something sad and heavy sink in Namjoon’s stomach. It had never occurred to him that he might have broken something beyond repair here. That Seokjin might not want to talk it through, smooth it out, come out of the other side with him.
“But I want to talk about it.” Namjoon says and it sounds whiny and childish even to his ears, but he can’t quite stop himself.
“Well, I think it’s very selfish of you to make me talk about this!” Seokjin says, finally putting his phone down.
Namjoon knows what he should do. He should apologize, leave, calm down, reassess. He should absolutely not double down, not when Seokjin seems genuinely this upset, eyes shining and face red. So, of course, Namjoon doubles down.
“Hyung, my feelings are as important as yours in this!”
“Well, I think I’m more entitled to not want to talk about this.” Seokjin argues, turning towards Namjoon with a huff.
“Oh, well, I recently realized I am in love with you and have been for a while, I think that trumps whatever weird embarrassment thing you’ve got going on here.”
In the future, Namjoon will probably recognize what just came out of his mouth as the petty comeback it’s meant to be. A sort of insane ‘gotcha’ moment to lord over Seokjin. Right now, however, he’s feeling pretty victorious. Try to win after that one , Kim Seokjin.
“I’m sorry, you- What?” Seokjin asks, looking a weird mix of stricken, amused, and pissed.
“You heard me.” Namjoon replies, eyebrows furrowing. “I’m gonna go.” He continues, making to get up.
Before he can, however, a hand shoots to pin him to the bed before Seokjin moves to bodily pin him down, laying down half on top of him. “Will you stay still for a second? Let hyung process, Kim Namjoon!”
Namjoon would also love to process whatever is happening right now, but unfortunately he has lost the ability to process rational thought. It’s sad, but he wishes the rest of Bangtan all the best in their various pursuits. He’s probably going to spend the rest of his life on this bed, suffering.
Seokjin is looking at his face, eyes narrowed, looking for something and it’s horrible. This must be against some statute or law or treaty. The Geneva Conventions have to have a section about this. Something about cruel and unusual punishment.
“Okay, sorry, process away.” Namjoon says dumbly.
“How recent is ‘recently?’” Seokjin asks. He’s looking at Namjoon in the eyes and his face is serious, but his eyes are kind.
“About two days ago.” Namjoon says, truthfully. He decides to leave Yoongi’s involvement out of it for now. He can always blame him later if things turn south.
“So you didn’t know when you asked me to sleep with you.”
Seokjin’s wasn’t a question, but Namjoon still feels compelled to defend himself. He will not let Seokjin slander the depth of his feelings just because he realized them so late. “No, but I felt it!”
Seokjin starts laughing.
“You’re being really mean right now, hyung.” Namjoon says and he’s just so confused.
“Aw, poor Namjoonie. You deserve it a little bit for what you put me through.” Seokjin replies.
“When you asked me to sleep with you, I thought that was your weird way of making a move.” Seokjin says, like that’s a totally normal thing to say.
Namjoon suddenly can’t stop thinking of the very vivid image of a cat playing with a ball of yarn, except Seokjin is the cat and Namjoon’s sanity is the yarn.
“You asked if it was a plot to seduce you and I said no!” Namjoon protests. He definitely remembers that conversation happening.
“I thought you were lying, or rather, playing the long con.” Seokjin shrugs, and because he’s still laying on top of Namjoon, his shoulder almost connects violently with Namjoon’s chin.
“That’s insane, hyung.” Namjoon says because someone has to. It needs to be put on the record. The room needs to be filled with the sound of someone saying that this whole conversation is insane.
“Yes, thanks, I’m aware.”
They look at each other.
“Well, this has been excruciating, I’m gonna go write a million songs about it and force you to sing every single one of them while we never talk about it ever again.” Namjoon says.
It should be the part where Seokjin gets up and lets him go and he can go lock himself in his studio and possibly have Yoongi bring him food and alcohol as penance. Instead, Seokjin leans up to kiss him.
It’s barely more than a peck, mostly because Namjoon is too surprised to even think about doing anything more than lay there and take it.
“Namjoon-ah, will you please learn to read between the lines?” Seokjin asks, sounding fond and exasperated. Mostly fond, though.
“Namjoon-ah, I thought you wanted to date me and I said yes, didn’t I?” Seokjin asks.
“ Oh .”
Namjoon is pretty sure this entire conversation has decimated his IQ, his brain feels like gelatin and he can’t even pretend to be mad about it. There’s something bubbly and fizzy like champagne exploding in his chest. Seokjin loves him back. Seokjin loves him . Or at least likes him enough to want to date him.
“Yeah.” Seokjin says. He looks smug as hell, and normally that would annoy Namjoon, but now he just finds it terribly hot.
Soon enough Seokjin will probably want Namjoon to start speaking in full sentences and he will be so glad to comply in three to five business days when the ability to do that returns to him.
“I’ll take the million love songs, by the way.” Seokjin says, giving Namjoon’s cheek a gentle peck.
Oh, that’s just lovely.
“I can’t wait to listen to them.”
That, at last, jolts Namjoon out of his daze. The lyrics he’s been writing for the past few days flashing in front of his eyes like a warning sign. “A few of them might be explicit.”
“Great, we can torture the others by telling them they’re all about me.” Seokjin says easily.
They stay like that for a while. Laying on Seokjin’s bed, Namjoon holding Seokjin close and Seokjin drawing patterns on Namjoon’s chest. It’s wonderful. Namjoon doesn’t think he’s ever felt this close to another person, to Seokjin specifically. Not even while they were having sex.
This is something else entirely.
“Are you hard right now?” Seokjin asks, hand dangerously close to Namjoon’s crotch.
Namjoon could lie, he’s pretty sure Seokjin would let him, but, well. He is hard. And yes, they absolutely need to have a longer conversation about all of this, but they have time.
They have all the time in the world.
“Hyung, let me blow you.”