Actions

Work Header

Hippity Hop At The Toilet Shop

Work Text:

Driving down the streets in incredible speeds. Peter Griffin was speeding reckless as ever. With Brian by his side. Within a few years behind them, a car was chasing them with determination to catch up to Peter and Brian.

Peter said imitating a voice over, "When we last left our heroes Peter Griffin and his sidekick, Brian....."

"You just had to take up carjacking, didn't you!" Brian said in a maddening tone. "I warned you this would happen. Did you even listen to reason? NO!"

"I thought it would be fun! To tick people off!" said Peter.

"You messed with the wrong type of people, Peter!" said Brian.

The people inside chasing them in the car were some Black Drug Dealers. "Kick yo ass! Kick yo ass!" "You mutha fucker! We'll teach you to hotwire our car!"

Peter whined, "How was I supposed to know they were a black gang!"

Brian asks, "Wonder how you learned to carjack?"

The Black Drug Dealers car bumps into the back of Peter's car. Then drive next to Peter's car as if they were going to pass him. Then the Black Drug Dealers decide to bump Peter's car on the side.

"Holy shit! What is this? Ben-Hur with cars?" Peter yelled.

"Don't you get it? They're pissed! They're trying to run you off the road so they can beat you senseless! At this point, you would deserve that, and I would not care!" Brian implies.

"What do we do now, dog?" asked Peter who was scared shitless as ever.

"You sound like those bungling idiots from the movie Thunderbolt and Lightfoot!" said Brian.

"There has to be a way to lose them! Got any ideas?" asked Peter in fright.

"Get yourself out of it!" said Brian. "But....but...you have to think of something! You're the smart one!" Peter cries out.

Brian gives in, "All right, fine. Drive into that empty ditch and make them think you've died."

Peter said, "As the Bad Dudes once said, 'Got it'"

Taking Brian's advice, Peter drives into an empty ditch. Lucky for them, the ditch was 8 feet deep. The Black Drug Dealers were not willing to give up on exacting revenge on Peter. Getting out of their car, armed with nunchucks and a crowbar. "WHERE'D HE GO! WHERE'D HE GO?"!

"WHERE IS THAT HONKY SON OF A BITCH!?" "YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER!" "COME OUT SO WE COULD KICK YO FAT FUCKING ASS!" "They drove into that ditch." "I know that." "Maybe we should look inside." The black drug dealers looked inside and found Peter and Brian dead. However, they didn't know they were playing dead. "Guess he got what was comin' to him!" "Good old karma!" The black drug dealers go back into their car and drive off.

"I'll check and see if the coast is clear." speaks Brian. Climbing out of the ditch to see the Black Drug Dealers were long gone. "Okay, Peter. It's safe." Brian informs Peter. "Thank god! Oh no! Is our car broken now?" freaked Peter. Both of them were walking in downtown Quahog.

"What do you think? Or course it is!" said Brian. "After for what we have done, we'll have to leave our families in Quahog." Peter says. "There's no WE here Peter. You did this shit all by yourself." Brian reminds Peter. "We'll have to assume new identities. We have no other choice." Peter tells Brian. "What're you talking about?" asks Brian. "Welcome to Plan B Brian. Since we faked our deaths. We'll have to Witness Protection ourselves!" Peter said. "I can't bare the thought of leaving our family, Peter. What about Lois, Stewie, and Chris?" Brian reasons.

"We must leave them forever. We'll start life anew in the next state over." Peter said. "Okay. Whatever. The thing is, how are we going to get there?" asks Brian.

Walking around, the two of them see an abandoned car. "Don't try to carjack it this time!" Brian warned Peter. "Trust me I won't. My days of that are over before they began." said Peter.

Getting into the abandoned car, Brian starts the engine and was surprised that the car still worked. "Better let me drive." said Brian. "Understood." answered Peter. "I get what you're doing here. You must have people think you're dead so those drug dealers won't find you." said Brian. "Yep just like The Incredible Hulk and Bruce Banner. Wait a second? Where should we go?" asked Peter.

"How about Connecticut? Nobody knows us there." suggested Brian. "That's cool with me. We'll be Connecticut Yankees in King Arthurs Court!" Peter tells Brian. "Where did you come up with that Mark Twain reference?" asked Brian intrigued. "I read it when I was on that intellectual kick I was on after I left Stewie in the park. To prove to Lois I wasn't an idiot." Peter told him. "Funny how that stuff sticks with you." said Brian.

Driving the abandoned car to Connecticut. They ended up in Hartford. "All we need to do now is find some jobs and a place to live." said Brian. "Yes we will. Oh look! A Wall-Mart." said Peter. "Good thinking. We'll live in a tent. Once we're settled, we'll find a job, live in the tent until we can afford a better place." said Brian. Going inside The Wall-Mart to get a tent, food, and supplies. Peter and Brian go into a wooded area to set up camp. Feeling tired from all the running, Peter and Brian decide to sleep.

Peter and Brian have slept for 2 days straight. Feeling refreshed. "Time to get a job. This isn't a vacation." Brian decides to remind Peter. Getting into an abandoned car they stole they drive around Hartford and enjoy the sights. "What a quaint little town. Too bad we don't live here for real." said Brian. "Yes, but we would miss our friends and our hangouts." said Peter. Brian assures Peter, "We'll return someday. Our hearts will always belong to Quahog." Driving around until they can find work. Brian comes across a store that only sells toilets. Ye Olde Toilet Shoppe was the name of the place. A HELP WANTED sign was out front. Peter and Brian park the car, go inside and apply for a job.

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

 

Walking inside the Toilet Shop, they see the manager. His name was Steven Myers. "Hi, my name is Steven Myers. Welcome to Ye Olde Toilet Shoppe. May I interest you in a toilet?" Peter and Brian look all around to see the many toilets that were being sold. In the middle of the store, there was a huge water fountain in the shape of a toilet. " hee hee hee, that huge toilet looks like Meg's baby picture!" giggles Peter. "Oh yes it does. Anyway sir, we're here for a job. Sorry to say we don't have any resumes or anything like that." Brian told Steven.

"We're new here." informs Peter. "No, problem! You don't even have to give me your names!" Peter asked Steven, "Ye Olde Toilet Shoppe. Did you get that from that Newhart episode about Ye Old Apple Days?" asked Peter. "No we didn't. In New England lots of our stores have names in Old English." explains Steven. "Guess I should know that by now." said Peter. Giving Peter and Brian the grand tour, Steven says, "Over here we have our more updated toilets. Toilets for kids, women, men, and we even have bidets if you can believe it!" Steven continues, "We have every brand of Toilet from Kohler, Toto, American Standard, Saniflo, and Duravent!"

Steven shows them an HDTV, "To keep our customers entertained while they wait, we show reruns of I Love Lucy and The Dick Van Dyke Show!" "Dick Van Dyke Show? I Love Lucy? Don't you show anything else?" asked Brian. "Nope, just those shows. We're old 'Ye Olde' for a reason!" said Steven. "I watched The Dick Van Dyke Show a thousand times and never laughed!" Peter scoffed snobbishly. "You might not have a sense of humor, but I'll hire you both anyway! Welcome aboard!" said Steven. "Is there On The Job Training?" asked Peter. "it doesn't take a genius or a rocket scientist to sell a toilet! I'll be in the back in case if you need anything!" said Steven.

"Well this is it, Peter. Our first day at work in this new city." said Brian.

"Let's make the most of it! This is actually a pretty sweet gig we got here! I'm surrounded by something I love!" said Peter.

"I thought Pawtucket Brewery was your dream job." said Brian.

"Toilets are one of my many great loves!" Peter says.

"All we need to do now is wait for our first costumers." Brian said.

A family enters the store. A husband, wife, and an unruly child who was their daughter enter. The husband's name was Ruben. The wife's name was Ethel. The daughter was named Destiny who wasn't too thrilled nor happy to be there.

"Welcome to Ye Olde Toilet Shoppe! How can we help you!" Brian greets the family. "Hello. We just moved here from Ohio." said Ruben. Ethel said, "Our new house needs a new toilet." "You came to the right place! Whatcha looking for?" asked Peter. Destiny snuck away and climbed onto the huge toilet water fountain and jumped off. Ethel heard it and shouted, "DESTINY! THIS ISN'T A PLAYGROUND!" "You dragged me away from watching Owl House for this!" Destiny practically yelled.

"Quite a feisty one you have there." said Brian. "Yeah," said Ruben, "When she's eighteen we're taking her to modeling school!" "Then when she has the modeling career we want her to have, we're taking her to Greece to have her marry a rich tycoon!" said Ethel. "Riches in the future, huh? Then you want a Moen toilet! Buy it For Looks! Buy it For Life!" Peter said. Destiny walked off again and sees the HDTV playing an I Love Lucy rerun. "This is boring! Okay TV! You better have Youtube!"

Destiny pushed a button on the HDTV and there was nothing but a snowy screen. "EEEEEKKKKK! I BROKE THE TV!" Ethel ran to her, "Why the fuck are you making a scene? Are you trying to embarrass us? On purpose like you always do!" Destiny stammered, "I just wanted to see if PB & J Otter was on!" "You just turned 9 last week! You're too old for that fucking shit! Now come on!" Ethel grabbed Destiny by the hand. Ruben tells Destiny, "Remember what I said to you 2 years ago. When I got that movie 8 1/2 on DVD?" "You want me to act 8 1/2 in my head?" asks Destiny. "Yes! Act your age!" Ruben scolds his daughter.

Ruben tells Peter, "The Moen one looks too expensive for our taste!" "Then might I suggest to you the Zurn or the Dolina!" Brian tells them. Destiny grabs a balloon and climbs onto the toilet water fountain again, and jumps with the balloon in the hand. She repeats this 20 times over. Ethel sees the Zurn toilet and says, "That's one we can afford, honey! We'll take that one!" "Great choice! Now just give us your address we'll deliver to you." Peter tells the husband and wife.

Ethel hears Destiny jump from the toilet water fountain once more, and hollars, "DESTINY! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!" Destiny begins to make faces behind Peter's back. "Don't mind me asking but what's with her?" asked Brian. "Oh she's just jealous that her older brother Derrick is staying over night at his grandfather's." Ruben said. "Keep yourself in check, Destiny!" warns Ethel. "Of course, this is why you keep getting bullied! You're 9! Not 4!" silently whispered Ruben.

"Come to the cash register. Will that be cash or credit?" Brian asks the couple. Ruben pays with a credit card, "You handle Destiny. I'll handle this." Ethel berates her misbehaving daughter, "I saw you making faces at that nice man! You also mouthed the word shit head to him! Before we leave, you apologize! Would Cindy Crawford act this way!"

"NNNNOOOOOOOO! I don't wanna be like Cindy Crawford! I hate her! I wanna be like Cedric the Entertainer!" Destiny said. "Well you never planned for your future anyway so me and your father are planning one for you!" Ethel gruffed at Destiny. Ruben paid for the toilet and gave his home address to the toilet shop. "Have a nice day. Enjoy your new toilet! Which will be coming tomorrow!" Peter waves goodbye at the family. Ruben and Ethel leave with Destiny. Brian sees them both spank, slap, and kick their daughter. "What the actual fuck! Did you see that?" "Indeed I have. That was the shittiest family I've ever seen! And people want to think our family is bad!" said Peter.

Destiny ran back inside and ran with the balloon in her hand in a circle and shouted at Peter and Brian, "SO LONG SUCKERS! SO LONG SHIT HEADS!" Brian laughs, "She reminds me of Jodie Foster in Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore."

Peter and Brian then see Ruben and Ethel drag Destiny into the car while they popped the balloon in her face and shoved her into their car. "They sure as hell aren't the Heart Family that's for sure." Peter said. "The Heart Family? Who the fuck are they?" asked Brian. "Some failed Barbie-like toys from the 80's." Peter answered. "Too bad we have to keep a low profile here. We could've reported that family for abuse." said Brian. Steven comes to congratulate them on their first sale. "Congrats to you both! That was your first sale! We sure could use more employees like you!"

"I don't like to toot my own horn. But I have a very excellent way of sales pitch and salesmanship!" Peter said. "That you have." Steven tells Peter.

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

 

On their break, Peter sees an empty room upstairs in the store. "Hey, Brian! Maybe we can live here instead of the tent!" "I guess we can ask Steven if we can rent it." said Brian.

"Okay, breaktime is over. Back to toilet selling. Chop! Chop!" Steven tells them clapping his hands. "Hey, Steven, can we have the room upstairs?" asked Peter. "Why yes you can. But you have to pay me rent by giving me half your pay check every end of the month." said Steven. "It's a deal!" Brian told Steven. Peter and Brian decide to take up residence in the upstairs room. "This is cool, Peter. We can both live and work at the same time." Brian said. "Of course. I'm full of great ideas lately." Peter says.

Peter and Brian move their stuff from the tent they bought into the upstairs room. "Get a load of this, Brian! This could be our bachleor pad." "Peter, you're married, remember?" "Since we moved here to hide away from those criminals. Lois and the family are dead to me." Peter says.

The week progresses. Peter and Brian were excelling in their job, having costumers coming, buying, and going. Thanks to Peter and Brian, Ye Olde Toilet Shoppe was one of the best small businesses in Hartford. On Friday, Steven comes to them. "Wow I am impressed with the way you guys are selling these toilets." Peter said, "I guess you can say they're selling like Fresh Cakes! hee hee hee hee hee!"

Brian looks around, "We did such a fantastic job that there's no toilets left to sell."

"Exactly. Which is way I want you both to make your own toilet to sell. While I order some more from the factories." Steven said leaving to go to his office.

"Oh my gosh. Did you hear that? We have to make a toilet? From scratch?" asked Peter. "If we want to stay here and pretend to be dead. Then yes. We have to do everything the boss tells us." Brian says.

"We don't know the first thing about making toilets." Peter panicks. "You know, I have the store's wifi hooked up to my IPAD. Maybe we can watch a Youtube video on how to make one." Brian suggests.

"Okay I'm willing to try." Peter said. After watching a video on how to make a toilet. Peter and Brian drive to the hardware store. Peter uses the credit card number from Ruben to order the things for the toilet they were going to have to build. "I'm an identity crook! Lifelock ain't got nothing on me!" Peter said very sneakfully. While Brian and Peter were inside the hardware store. The Black Drug Dealers were outside spying on them. "So they just pretended to be dead?" "Yeah, they had no clue that we were watching them for a week after they stole that car we originally stole from an old lady!"

The Black Drug Dealers run off when they see Peter and Brian exit the hardware store. "We'll get him later." "He's in for a fucking shock when he finds out we know he's still alive!"

"You actually stole that abusive man's credit card number to get the toilet?" asks Brian. "Less talk more build!" Peter demands.

In no time flat, Peter and Brian built their own toilet to sell to the store. "Ahhh. Perfect! A little Youtube goes a long way! Who needs trade school! Better yet, who needs college!" Peter says.

"We really outdone ourselves with this." says Brian proudly. "Amazing things people can do in order to survive."

Peter looks at the toilet being empty. "All it needs is some water inside." "No, toilets need to be attached to plumbing. Then the toilet gets water." said Brian. "This isn't going to sell without water in it." Peter tells his dog friend.

"Fine! Do what you want!" Brian scoffed. Peter looks around for water. "Hmmm...water...water....water......any type of liquid would suffice!" Eyeing a can of turpintine, Peter pours it into the self-made toilet. "There! That should do it!" Peter stood tall.

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

 

That very afternoon, Peter and Brian were bored out of their minds. Being in a now empty toilet store had that impact on them. "We sold a lot of toilets in a week." said Brian. "You're telling me. Nobody has come to want to by ours." conversates Peter. "The price I pay from trying to stop you from carjacking." Brian said depressingly. A pickup truck came racing down the street and stopped at the toilet store. A man grunted as he walked out of his truck. He had a bald head with hair around his ears. A tank top, blue jeans, and worker boots. The man was full of every tattoo imaginable. He zoomed into the toilet store.

"I WANNA TOILET! MINE BROKE! I NEED ONE NOW!!!!!!" the man screamed.

"You, sir! Came to the right place! Welcome to Ye Olde Toliet Shoppe!" Peter introduced himself.

"SSSHHHUUUTTTTT UUUUUUPPPPPP! Why is this store so empty! What kind of shit are you trying to pull here!" the man screamed again.

"Can you at least tell us who you are first?" asked Brian.

"Want to know who I am? They call me Angry Al!" Al looks all around and sees no toilets. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE TOILETS!!!!"

"We sold them all. Our manager you can wait for him if you want. He went to get a shipment that he ordered." Brian explains.

"My wife has been fucking around behind my back! She and her boyfriend broke my toilet as a joke at my expense! GIVE ME A TOILET! GIVE ME ONE!!!" demanded Al.

Peter and Brian tremble in fear. "Think we might have to give him that one we built, Peter." "Anything for him to get away from us." Peter said.

Brian was suddenly taken aback from that time he dated Tori. A married woman he was having an affair with who was married to a overly agressive angry Navy Seal. "Have this one we got here!" Brian said. "Yes, but it'll cost you! These don't come cheap." said Peter to Al.

"You want my money! THEN HAVE IT! GO! TAKE IT!" Angry Al threw a wad of cash at them both and run out with a toilet. "Ohhhh! That son of a bitch asshole! I'll blow his fucking head off! My bitch wife too!" Angry Al did away with the toilet and threw it in the pickup truck. Angry Al drove off. Peter and Brian breathed a sigh of relief.

"That was the worst customer ever!" said Brian. Steven came back. "Hey guys. Would you like to go to the Toilet Factory and pick up a shipment of toilets for this store?" he asked.

"Sure we can! We are your best employees ever!" Peter said. "Where is this Toilet Factory?" asks Brian. "Just a few miles from here. You can't miss it, take the delivery truck." said Steven.

Peter and Brian drove to the Toilet Factory. There was nothing but a double barrel of gut retching terror ahead for Peter Griffin and his faithful dog friend. The Black Drug Dealers secretly hopped onto the bumper of the delivery truck Peter and Brian were driving. Angry Al got out of his car and observed the toilet Peter and Brian had made. Angry Al sniffs it, "Hmmmmmm." Observing it obsessively, Angry Al decides to use it. Trying to defecate into the toilet, the lid came up and sent Angry Al flying into the direction of the Toilet Factory where Peter and Brian were headed.

Arriving at the Toilet Factory, Peter and Brian use a gurney to take the toilets out one by one and put them into the delivery truck.

"This is actually kind of fun!" Brian said. "Yeah, of course! What's life without a little adventure?" asked Peter.

"It's still work, Peter." told Brian. "Hey, this isn't work! This is fun!" laughs Peter. "However you want to look at it." Brian says. As soon as Peter loaded as many toilets as possible into the delivery truck. Both of them were stopped by Angry Al.

"Didn't we see you before?" asked Peter who was confused. "You bought me a shit toilet! Who the fuck puts turpintine in toilets before it gets sold! The toilet lid sent me flying for miles! You fucking assholes! I'll chop you fucking heads off and skin you bitches alive!" Angry Al shouted into the sky. He picks up a crowbar and chases Peter and Brian with it.

Angry Al was yelling every obscenity ever chasing Peter and Brian outside the Toilet Factory. Peter and Brian try to find a place to hide.

"You think we lost him?" asks Brian. Peter remembers something, "Now I remember. What I did with the lid. You see, I made the toilet like that one on Saturday Night Live called The Death Injector."

"You assfuck! Why did you make it like that! No wonder he wants us dead!" Brian gives Peter a tongue lashing. "Well he didn't know. How were you supposed to predict we were going to get a psycho costumer like him?" Peter says defending his actions. "Good observation." Brian speaks. Angry Al walks around the corner slowly to Peter and Brian. "I overheard you how you made that toilet! You both just signed your own death warrant!" Angry Al tries to extend the crowbar to beat Brian and Peter with. Peter and Brian cower nervously with fear. A fear that overtaken them both.

"I will personally see to it that your worthless carcasses lie sizzling in the desert sun at the mercy of the vultures!" Angry Al said. "This is New England. There are no deserts." Brian tells Angry Al. "SHUT UP! All right, fine! The forest at the mercy at the grizzly bears! IS THAT FUCKING BETTER!" Angry Al screams at the sky again.

Peter tries to grab something to defend himself with. What he grabbed was a bottom end of a toilet. "We have a saying here at Ye Olde Toilet Shoppe!" Peter begins.

"What is it? Why don't you just let me kill you now?" Angry Al says.

Peter proceeds to say, "Whenever you're not satisfied with one of our toilets. Please feel free to send it......." Throwing the bottom end of the toilet at Angry Al, Peter yells, "BACK!" Angry Al was knocked to the ground and near death.

"Wow, Peter! That was awesome!" said Brian. "How did you know there was a toilet behind you?"

"Look all around. Toilets toilets everywhere!" Peter said.

"See your point. Let's just go back to the Toilet Shop and sell these things at the store." said Brian.

"FREEZE!" two voices said together.

Brian and Peter were in for the biggest shock of their lives. They both turn around and see the Black Drug Dealers who were after them for the carjacking Peter Griffin had commited upon them.

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

 

"How did you find us!" asks Peter to the Black Drug Dealers.

"For one thing, we know you didn't die!" one of them answers.

"We were watching you this whole time!" said the other. "That car you stole. We left it there. Hoping you would take it. That way we knew you didn't die and were still alive and ran away!"

"You know what? You guys are insane! To go after us like you did!" Brian tells them off.

"Your friend who carjacked us is the insane one! Now that we finally caught up with you. We'll kill both your asses until you are DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!" The Black Drug Dealers said.

"Oh my gosh! This is like one of those two parter episodes. I can just see it now. How will Peter and Brian get out of this one! Is this curtains for Peter and Brian! Tune in next week to see the shocking......." Peter says trembling. "Enough Peter! This is reality! One of us has to take action!" Brian said. "Okay you can. I did it last time!" Peter spoke. "I'll try to see what I can do." Brian said.

Brian manages to sneak away and call the police on his iphone inside the Toilet Factory. "Get back here, asshole!" The Black Drug Dealers told Brian. "Nah, let him go. It's the fat one we want!" "Why is the fat one always the one who suffers the most?!" Peter cried. Brian said, "Saw this on Sleeping With The Enemy!" Phoning the police, Brian said, "Hello, Police. We're being held up by drug dealers. We're at the toilet factory in Hartford." Brian then gets two rocks from the ground and throws it at the Black Drug Dealer's heads. "And we just beaten them up come quick!"

"That was Holy Freaking Sweet, Brian!" Peter said. "Who says you can't kill two birds with one stone. Anyhoo, the cops are on their way." Brian informs Peter. Peter extends his thanks. "I own one man!" "Hey, you helped me, it was only fair that I help you!" said Brian.

The police came and apprehended the Black Drug Dealers. "Does this mean we can go back to Quahog?" asked Peter. "Absolutely we can. But first, maybe we can stay here for a another few days." Brian says.

"After all, we are the best Toilet Sellers in the business!" Peter said. Going into the delivery truck. Driving back to the Ye Olde Toilet Shoppe. Peter and Brian decide to stay for another week selling toilets in Hartford. A week after, they quit their job and go back to Quahog.

"Wait'll I tell Lois and the guys what an experience we had, hey Brian?" Peter asks.

"They will never believe it!" Brian agreed.

"Best thing is? I don't have to fake my death and pretend I'm dead anymore!" Peter said.

"From now on, no more carjacking or anything else that will piss off the wrong people." Brian tells Peter.

"Trust me. I learned my lesson about that.....well, maybe not!" Peter laughs.

"Let's just lay low and not get into any mischief and have me try to reason with you." said Brian.

 

Peter and Brian were finally back in Quahog. With the sun at their backs. Ready to go back to their everyday lives.