Peace of My Heart
Addison swears Callie to secrecy, she reveals her long-lasted lesbian affair with Meredith Grey to encourage her friend to finally come out of the closet. MerAdd. Callica to Calzona. Rated M.
Set in GA Season 4, Episode 13, "Piece of My Heart."
Ps. There’s an obvious allusion to the GA premiere here, ten points for whoever comments it. :)
“Callie, are you speaking the Vagina Monologues” Addison teases her as she crunches her potato chips into her mouth, one by one, one by one. And she waits for it all to sink in for Callie.
And Callie freaks out at her a little and tells her that clearly she’s been living in L.A way too long - way too long - if she thinks that Calliope Torres has suddenly switched sides to be a lesbian.
Callie begs her to please explain to her what she means when she advocates “I’m all for it, I mean, I think it’s fantastic.” Addison explains to her without any hesitation or reservations.
“Well, I just mean that I admit that there is that a peace of my heart will always lie with women and that they bring me something that men cannot” Addison states were really so simple.
“Since when have you ‘spoken the Vagina Monologues’ if that’s apparently what you call it” Callie exclaims to her incredulously as if her best friend had been keeping secrets from her.
“Ahem, last time I’ve spoken them would have been at let’s say ten-thirty this morning,” Addison says with a shrug. Addison explains it all to her as she’s sipping at her juice box.
Off Callie’s stunned look she explains that she didn’t tell her because one doesn’t generally announce they’re having affairs with their ex-husband’s girlfriend even with their best friends.
She swears Callie to secrecy before she whispers about her seven moments of heaven in lesbian land. Seven of her deepest indulgences with lady-lover of hers, Doctor Meredith Grey.
“See the first time anything at all happened between us, we were both extremely emotional. We had a difficult case and there was this baby who didn’t make it and I was crying the way I do when a child dies. And I was lonely, and she was there. So I just let her be there for me.
And she held me close and she told me “I’m sorry” and she was saying all of these perfect things. Like how I was a good surgeon and how I would have made a really great wife had Derek not been so absent and I just needed to feel something. So I let her sit next to me.
So when she pressed her lips to mine I didn’t pull away and I let myself kiss her back. I let the curves of her lips hit mine and her soft breaths fall on my own. And I let her move our mouths together oh, so gently. Like it was only a dream. And she was only a dream. I was dreaming.
And I said to myself that me and Derek, we’re even now because Derek hid me from her and I hid Mark from Derek so we’re even now and I felt better. Like I was getting even or getting back at him for something and she agreed. So I thanked her as she ran her fingers through my hair.
And I don’t remember saying much else because before I could say anything or before she could say anything to me I had fallen asleep. And before I knew it, it was already morning. And I thought she would still be there next to me. I think she was but she left right before I woke up.
And for some inexplicable reason, I wished that she’d stayed lying in bed next to me. I missed the warmth of her body, yet the coolness of her touch. I missed the way she smelled like lavender on the top of her head. And I missed that she was so much gentler than Derek was.
So then I thought that it would be awkward to work with her again after that but it wasn’t. She pretended like nothing had ever happened between us so I pretended too and we never ever talked about it ever again. And she never told word to Derek and neither did I. Or anyone else.
So when she’s extremely mad at me because of some reason, for Derek, or for surgery or for disagreeing with her guess at a course of treatment then she just starts mouthing off to me. She’s making me angry and poking fun at my ponytail and the whole thing is outrageous.
So when I pull her aside to talk so we’re not screaming at each other in front of the whole hospital I’m least of all expecting to be thrown against the back of the door and to be bitten on the neck. And then she bites me again before Meredith soothes the bites over with her tongue.
And then she kisses me all rough and dirty and I’ve just been so damn lonely with Derek never being home that I let her. I let her press me against the wall and to gloss her hands over my breasts because when she gropes them I can’t contain the moans that come out of my mouth.
So she kisses me all hot and naughty and she’s just such a little flirtatious tease that she keeps tugging up on my t-shirt but she never ever removes it. She never takes it any further, never reaches her hands under my shirt or into my pants. So I just moan as she kisses me rough.
And she pushes me harder and harder against the wall as she kisses me and opens my mouth so she can slide her tongue in over my lips. And it feels so good that I let her keep going until she’s tonguing me and kissing my lips and my mouth and my jaw and my neck and my ears.
And then I thought that we’d gotten it all out of our systems because I hardly heard from her at all for the longest while. She hadn’t called me or paged me at weird hours or shouted at me or found me crying at odd hours of the day or the night or in the morning or afternoon or evening.
So I thought we were in the clear from all of this outrageous semi-lesbianic-kissing business but then that day she was ecstatic about the whole not dying during a freaking bomb exploding when she was holding the damn thing in her hand for literally hours. So I couldn’t say no to her.
So she dragged me into an on-call room and she shoved me onto a bed. She takes off my top and my bra before she sits right down on my lap and weaves her hands through my hair. Then she sticks her tongue down my throat and dominates my mouth with her teeth and lips.
Then she gropes all over my breasts till I’m panting and she’s panting and her hand is on my cheek. And she watches me and smirks when she has to cover my mouth when I yell out. Because when she puts her lips to my nipples and suckles them I want to yell. And scream.
And when she takes off her shirt and asks me to do the same to her, I do. I take off her bra and I put her breasts in my mouth and I swirl my tongue around them like she did. And I’d never done that before. I’d never been with a woman that I remembered. Not when I saw sober at least.
And the kissing and the touching isn’t all that different when it comes to both men and women. Except women kiss softer than men do and their lips are smaller and there’s no rough stubble or facial hair. And it feels so good to keep kissing Meredith because she moans as loud as I do.
During the hospital prom, Meredith was with Finn and I was with Derek. And I saw him waiting and watching her come down the stairs. And while I knew he was waiting and watching, I was also waiting and watching her. I waited for her to come down those stairs just like my husband.
And I was watching her because before she came down those stairs and before she had put on all of that makeup and before she had clasped that necklace to her neck she had been with me. She had been taking off my clothes until all I had left on were my scrubs pants. And so did she.
So we kissed in the same exam room that Derek and Meredith eventually ran away too. I knew about that by the way, I knew about it even before you knew. I knew because she told me about it. How it was her quest to sleep with not only one, but two Doctor Shepherd’s the night of prom.
And maybe I should have told her then that she was insane. Maybe I should have said that I wasn’t a toy she could just screw with for fun and pretend like she wasn’t seeing Finn and I wasn’t still married to Derek. I should have maybe said those things to her, but I didn’t at all.
Instead, I let her kiss me till I submitted to her will. I let her carry me over to the bed and set me down gently. I let her crawl into my lap before she straddled me in between my legs. I let her dominate our kisses and feel the head warm up in my thighs. And so we made out a lot, then.
And she suckled my breasts again as I did the same to her back. Only this time we were both lying down. Only this time she was grinding her hips into my thighs. Only this time she was feeling the inside of my hip. Only this time she made us come in our scrub pants in ecstasy.
The first time she had me naked was after my divorce had been finalized. I went and found her before Mark Sloan could get to me when he came to Seattle. This time it was me who dragged her into that supply closet and it was me who was scribbling down an address and a time for us.
So she shows up at my hotel room with a bottle of tequila in her hand and I don’t even open it after she opens the door. She sets it down gently before pushing me back on the hotel bed and she rips all my clothes off before I take off hers. She kissed me so softly I thought I would die.
And then she let me carry her into bed before flipping us right away and ravaging all of my senses. She knew exactly what she was doing like she had done this countless times before. She warmed me right up and made me all hot and bothered. Then she teased me so, so hard.
She tickled toes and she kissed my ankles and my calves. She moved on to my thighs which she sucked on. She’d plant open-mouthed kisses all the way over my stomach. She licked her way past my breasts and she blew hot air on my chest. She had me wait for her more touch.
Then she teased her fingers around me, at my center at my core. And she licked them and tasted me on them. And then she stuck them inside of me again but just once. And she offered them to me so I could taste myself off her fingers. I nibbled her index and I suckled her ring.
Then she plunged right back into me, deep in my depths. She worships my white-hot core as she fingers me. She moves in and out at will and increases her pace. And she looks into my eyes before she plunges in with her tongue. And she hits my clit next and I knew was a goner.
The first time I ever did her was after her own mother had just died and she nearly drowned two times in less than twenty-four hours. She was so sad and broken and needed to heal her small body for days. When I thought she may never wake up I was so scared and alone. She lived.
And I was so happy I stayed at her bedside even after Derek had long since walked away. And I slept by her side when the nurses weren’t looking and I made lame excuses to bring her meals to nourish her soul and her heart. She was on the mend so I wasn’t so scared or alone anymore.
And she asked me to stay at her house when she finally went home. And I couldn’t resist this chance. I had to make her happy. So I stayed with her and I held her close. I rocked her to sleep every night and reassured her after nightmares. When Derek asked we said it was a girls thing.
We stayed celibate for a while. We kissed a bit and that’s it. I didn’t want to push her to be physical with me until she was ready to be. She could hardly sit up on her own at first. Slowly and surely she could stand. Eventually, she went back to work. We went on with our lives.
And then one night when she was feeling stronger she started to stroke my back. And she started to stroke my neck. And she started to turn my head around. And then she started to kiss me again. She wanted to give sex to me then but she wasn’t strong enough yet, she just wasn’t.
So I gave sex to her for the first time that night. We had been watching a movie in bed but we ended up talking. And the talking leads to touching. And the touching leads to sex. And then there ain’t no mystery left about what I wanted next. So I plunged my hand in and licked my lips. I dived in.
When I went to LA and back for the week that first time I didn’t tell her I was leaving and I didn’t tell her I was coming back. When I found out I was practically infertile I wished she was there to comfort me. I wanted her to hold me in her arms like she did the first time we kissed, so much.
When I came back I was still devastated and she found me alone. She wasn’t supposed to be in the Attendings lounge but I welcomed her right into my arms. And I collapsed into her as I cried. And she never let go of me, not once the whole time. As we camped out in the lounge that night.
And she made sweet love to me the next morning before rounds. We did it all hot and naughty on one of the couches before anyone would bother to make coffee. She had to hold her hand over my mouth so I couldn’t cry out to high heavens when I came. As I came into her like a train.
And I made sweet love to her later that day around the hospital. We’d sneak in a kiss here or there. We’d touch each other for only minutes at a time before breaking it off. We were being riskier about it because we liked the thrill of it all. I never felt like that about affairs before.
And I thought it was going to be endless except for my job in LA. I told myself it was better. That she could be with Derek again without having me to worry about on the side. That I could go find someone to love me fully. That I could forget. She could forget. Forget each other for once.
The last time we slept together before I left was the day of Burke’s wedding. I was the reason she said “It’s over, it’s SO over” to Derek. She was going to try to have a relationship with me. And she said that to me before she knew I was going to leave. She asked me to stay. But I left.
And at around ten o’clock this morning we hadn’t seen each other in ages. And I pretended to be a little afraid of seeing her. Because I was afraid of seeing her with Derek. But not because I was afraid of him I was afraid that he’d already found out, that she’d said. Or that he’d know.
But Meredith never told him. She never talked to him about me. He never talked to her about me either. So our secret was safe. And our secret was still our secret. It took all of ten minutes before Meredith started sneaking us off together. She told sweet little lies to Doctors, to Derek.
And she didn’t regret it one little bit because she missed me, she missed me so much. And I missed her more than she could ever, ever know. So she drove me back to Derek’s trailer in the middle of the day and I took out his spare keys that I knew he had hidden behind the flower pot.
And we christened every inch of that trailer while Derek was still in surgery. We worked fast and ruthlessly to give each other as much pleasure as we could. She went down on me at least eighteen times. I tried to keep up but I hardly made it past double digits. Enough for her, for me.
And the day has been going on like this. She’ll probably page me sometime soon so you know. She’ll take me soon, somewhere in this hospital. We know Seattle Grace’s all sex and caring. She’ll take me under the stairwell, on top of the bridge if she has to. I sure hope she does.
She asked me to stay, but I’m leaving. I’m leaving Seattle for LA again. I’m leaving alone. And I know that she’s heartbroken. And I know that I’m heartbroken. But I know it’s for the best for us. Because as much as I love her, more than she loves me, it’s not enough. I’m not enough for her.
Callie considers all of the wonderful and wild tales of desire Addison has confided in her.
She comforts the woman who’s so sad she’s in tears now. She’s shaking and Callie holds her.
Callie tells her it sounds wonderful, not the cheating and lies. But the love part. The lesbian part.
She says that she’ll keep Addison’s new adultery habit a secret -She owes her for Derek still.
And about speaking the vagina monologues with Erica Hahn? Callie says she’ll think about it.
Callie texts Addison exactly three weeks later once her and Erica Hahn finally get together
They both hook it up after the elevator incident. And the lobby kiss incident. And all the dating.
“Ok, I understand what you mean about how women are great in bed” Callie admits sheepishly.
“See I knew I could corrupt you to the dark side! Addison exclaims” with an explicit emoji.
“Yada yada yada piece of my heart I know your whole speech” Callie concedes to her.
“It’s that a peace of my heart will always lie with only the woman, forever.
Addison states this as if it were the most inconsequential and simple thing in the world.
“I think you mean 'piece of my heart', you know like the song” Callie furrows her brow at her.
“Well, I did mean ‘peace’ of my heart. I find it quite peaceful to have women beside me in bed”
“Addison I think you really care for this Grey girl you know” Callie suspects. “I think you love her”
“I do. I think I do love her. And I think she loves me. Someday we’ll get it right” Addison sighs.
“I really hope you do” Callie wishes her good luck. “If you love her don’t let her go,” she says.
And we all know that that never worked out in the end. Hahn saw all the leaves then she left.
And Callie was heartbroken and bruised for a long while. Friends helped her heal and be whole.
And Callie was destined to have one great love of her life and she hadn’t even met her yet.
When she finally did, I delivered their baby and brought Callie back into the world for Arizona.
Later on that evening, Addison’s only been gone one day away from Meredith Grey now but she’s already up on the internet looking up the cheapest fares for her next flight out to Seattle.
She hesitates over it for ages because she’s not sure if Meredith had moved on, or if she’d gone back to McDreamy. Or if she’d ever cared about Addison as much as Addison cared for her.
She knows that she’s absolutely insane but this girl drives her crazy and all she wants is more.
Meredith Grey may take her through the wringer of every emotion under the sun, but boy is it the best once they’re together in bed. And once they stay there, just cuddling or napping together.
For all the emotions she’s instilled and played on in Addison Montgomery’s life, by far, the most common one was pleasure, joy, fun, and pure happiness. And happiness is worth fighting for.
And so she books a ticket on the next flight out back to Seattle, sky-high prices be damned.
She calls Meredith to let her know she’s coming back just for her. Addison tells Meredith that she’s loved her. That she loves her. And Meredith cries and tells Addison she loves her back.
She thinks of all the ways and the reasons she might regret this in the morning. All the Derek and Mark and George and Finn and Alex and Pete shaped reasons this might be a bad idea.
But once Addison’s made peace with that one decision, she’d have to be in love with the rest.