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Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

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Chapter 13: Break On Through, Part Three






Dear Meredith,

 

Thank you for the chats yesterday. I’m sorry I slammed the door on your face. You’re right, we can talk even if I am not a surgeon. I am a psychiatrist and if you ever want to talk again do not hesitate to visit me at the window. Have a good day and hello to your friends.

 

Ps. My name is Arthur. 

Thanks for the Memories.”

 

 




Meredith held the second note she had ever received from a mystery lover in her life.

 

She had found it in her locker in an envelope when she went for snacks.

 

And for some reason, she felt different about this one. 

 

First of all, Arthur signed his name to the note. 

 

And second of all, he’d blown her off,

 

And Meredith was confused.

 

Was this - HIM?

 

‘Mystery man’?

 

 They had both written the same line of “Thanks for the Memories. So could it be true?

 

Could the mystery be solved?

 

Could she finally know who had taken her home that night at the bar?

 

Meredith wanted to know the answer for real, but in all honesty she was feeling crushed.

 

She had pictured all of these beautiful exotic men to have been her potential suitor. 


And now that she had an idea, well, this person just didn’t seem so special to her.

 

Sure, Meredith had liked how she felt when she’d been seducing him for sport.

 

But she hadn’t even given him a second thought since her game. 

 

And she thought that HE knew that she was just putting on over him.

 

Was that what this was to HIM? Was SHE just a part of a twisted little game?

 

Was HE laughing with his friends about this wild goose chase with a mystery woman,

 

That he had been sending notes with “Thanks for the Memories” written on them.

 

Finally revealing his true crush on her after they’d talked?

 

Was he the guy from the bar who carried her home and didn’t try to take her clothes off?

 

(Was he the one who brought her the aspirin and water and fixed her plant-)

 

(Though, after she’d knocked that plant over, that it just REFUSED to be straight. )

 

(She had tied a literal pole in the flowerpot to try to straighten it.)

 

(But it had it’s own little way of remaining as queer as it’s shape and resisting.)

 

(So Meredith had given up on trying to fix her stupid potted plant, she accepted it.)

 

(And had watered it as it leaned just a little bit more sideways as each day passed again.)

 

But besides that, had he been the one to know she had work the next day?

 

Or had tucked her in so tightly like neither her parents nor Richard ever had?

 

Or that he’d known to lock the door behind him and sneak the key back to her?

 

All of these questions, the one that Meredith found the most pressing,

 

Was that if this was the same person as that night at the bar,

 

Then why would he sign this note here and not the other one?

 

Because they had talked and she had flirted with him?

 

Maybe, thought Meredith. 

 

Or maybe not. 

 

And either way, one thing that Meredith could say for certain,

 

Is that this note did not make her feel nearly as special as the one from the other night.

 

This one felt like it was offering her something only to be given something in return.

 

The note from the other night felt like it was offering something,

 

And that the ‘mystery person’ didn’t even want anything in return.

 

Or for her to know who the hell the mystery person is, or was, or whatever. 

 

Meredith didn’t know at all what to think about all of this. 

 

So she runs off with her note and with her three bags of Cheetos to go find her.

 


 

“Do you think it’s the same person?” Cristina asks her gently.

 

“I don’t know what to think,” says Meredith in frustration.

 

“Why do you think it might be your mystery man?” Cristina asks her.

 

“There was the same line at the bottom. Thanks for the Memories .”

 

Meredith says to her. 

 

“Anything else?” Cristina asks her.

 

“Well, he gave it to me when I wasn’t there,” says Meredith flatly.

 

“Well does the handwriting look at all the same to you?” Cristina asks her.

 

“I don’t KNOW that Cristina. How would I?” It was ages ago.

 

“I threw out that note after you had seen it and besides, we were both drunk,” Meredith says.

 

“I can’t write for the life of me when I am intoxicated, so how would it help at all?” she says. 

 

“True,” Cristina says. “You were drunk, the first night. And you’re both not, this time” she says.

 

“At least I hope to god not,” says Cristina. “Drinking at work would be such a hazard,” she says.

 

“WORK! That’s it!” Meredith says. 

 

“I’ll just ask this Arthur person what he was doing that night, and if his story matches-” 

 

“Well, then I will know. And if it doesn’t at all, then I guess I won’t know” Meredith gleams.

 

“Excellent detective skills” Cristina nods affirmatively. 

 

Cristina is glad that Meredith is going to figure out this part at least, on her own.

 


 

“Hey what is that?” Izzie Stevens comes up behind them to look. 

 

“Nothing” Meredith tries to hide it.

 

“Oh, come on. I was the one who stole the chart from Psychiatry for you” Izzie whines.

 

“Ah, you and me both,” Cristina says to her.

 

“Exactly,” says Izzie. “She should be showing you and me both” Izzie says.

 

“Alright,” Meredith concedes and shows Izzie. 

 

“Well do you like him?” Izzie asks her. 

 

“I don’t even know,” says Meredith giving Cristina a sympathetic look.


She doesn’t want to explain everything to Izzie, so she just shrugs and says “he’s ok”

 

Cristina shrugs back and says “she doesn’t know him they’ve only talked like once, probably” 

 

Meredith smiles a bit at that inside joke between them and says to Izzie

 

“It’s true. I’ve asked for things in psychiatry before but I never concentrated till now,” she says.

 

“Do you want to go see me flirt and try to get him to tell me about his lifestyle? She offers.

 

“Wouldn’t miss it!” says Izzie, as the three join arms and lead on the way.

 





Meanwhile, the ‘pregnant patient’ is getting restless, wanting the others to come back.

 

Alex and George have offered him snacks, but he can’t eat a thing. 

 

“If I have to have an operation I have to have a clean stomach,” he says. 

 

“Yeah that sucks man,” says Alex. “Do you want to smell the chocolate I got?” he offers.

 

And George just unwraps different gummies for him to smell too. 

 

And they decide that having lunch in the ‘pregnant patient’ room is the best. 

 

 




Derek and Addison are arguing over the labs they had ordered for the patient.

 

Addison had pushed a rush on them but they were not processed correctly.

 

When Derek tries to blame it all on her, she pushes back finally.

 

“You should have just let it be under Montgomery-Shepherd then we wouldn’t be here” he says.

 

“I don’t want to go by your name anymore,” Addison says to him.

 

“I’ve lived under your shadow long enough. I’m not Shadow-Shepherd or She-Shep anymore”

 

Their argument has caught the attention of Burke, Richard, and Bailey, 

 

And so they try to quiet down their squabble so they can save face at the hospital. 

 




When Meredith arrives at the window, the note tucked in her breast pocket he’s waiting.

 

Arthur the boy-psychiatrist is smirking up on her and it makes Meredith feel a bit slimy.

 

“Well hello there, young lady. Are you here to share with me all of your feelings?” he says.

 

“And what if I only want to talk to you about yours” Meredith quips right back at him.

 

“Well what would you want to know about me,” he asks her. “I’m an open book.”

 

“Well, I’d like to know first how you spend your nights after work,” Meredith asks. 

 

“Well, usually I go for a drink,” he says cryptically.

 

And Izzie is watching this all with interest.

 

While Cristina is watching it all with apprehension.

 

She knows the man is just one move away from revealing himself.

 

As being the NOT ‘mystery-not-man-person’ from Meredith’s life.

 

And Cristina is conflicted as to whether she’s going to be upset or relieved when that happens.






Because she sees the way Addison looks at and treats Meredith.

 

And she trusts her and that hasn’t changed.

 

But she hasn’t seen the same amount of enthusiasm coming from Meredith.

 

About her friendship towards Addison, she means.

 

And she has no doubt that Meredith would want to fall in love,

 

With this ‘mystery person’ of hers once she knows.

 

But what Cristina wonders is if Meredith would make the same choice on her own.

 

If she would have naturally gravitated towards potentially dating Addison Montgomery.

 

And she thinks that’s an important distinction to make, 

 

Because Addison still is their boss. She’s still and attending. And she’s still older.

 

Even without all their history, she knows better than anyone what dating your boss can be like.

 

Sure, Addison can’t exactly knock Meredith up with baby McTwisted. 

 

And she couldn’t be as big of a jackass that Derek Shepherd has been to Addison and Meredith

 

While dating each of them, respectively, though not at all distinctively at different times...

 

But It’s the preconceived illusion Meredith already has she could fall in love with, 

 

Her ‘mystery man’ or ‘mystery person’ fantasies coming true to being Addison and liking that,

 

Which wouldn’t be the same as liking, and knowing, then falling for real Addison, for real.

 

And she worries, (bout the whole Derek thing) thinking, even if Addison didn’t care for her ex,

 

And even if Meredith is completely over McDreamy, 

 

That even if Addison never speaks a word of their past to her ever again,

 

There’s still the whole Derek being a douchebag that Cristina concerns herself with.

 

And Meredith being closer to Addison would inevitably bring a jealous Derek around.

 

And Cristina sighs inwardly at having to walk Meredith through that. 

 

And lastly, what Cristina is worried about finally,

 

Is that Meredith very well could end up being the one breaking Addison’s heart.

 

Because Addison would treat her like a crown jewel and give her everything,

 

But Meredith could just feel obligated to like or love her or be friends or more,

 

Or be flirty and kind to her in a way that leads Addison on to too much, too fast.

 

Just because Addison was (is?) (could be) (would be) (will be?) her hero. 


And Cristina knows that Addison despises being a hero.

 

Because unlike Derek Shepherd, she’s actually humble in grace.

 

But even with the self-awareness that Addison has,

 

Meredith might not know how much Addison actually cares about her,

 

Not at least, before it’s too late that is. Because Addison still hides her affections,

 

The way she’s probably been wired to around Mark and Derek,

 

And Cristina can see just how much Addison is struggling with the whole-

 

“Liking a woman thing”. 

 

Like she’s actually having panic attacks in front of patients , panicking.

 

So it might not be clear just how fragile Addison was, or is, or could be in return.

 

And even Addison herself would probably never know this already about herself yet.

 

Not when the vulnerability she has built into her is centered uniquely upon Meredith, that is. 

 

Because Addison to the naked eye is prim and proper, a hotshot doctor who’s hot even, to boot.

 

She’s what every boy (or girl…) dreams of, she’s stylish, she’s sexy, she’s powerful yet gentle.

 

She’s the sort of enigma one wouldn't know unless looking at her the was Cristina does,

 

Like she’s trying to examine the crevices and the cracks in her armor, ones that can,

 

And potentially would be extremely painful if prodded and stabbed at the source.

 

Although Meredith would never hurt anyone on purpose, much less Addison,

 

Cristina worries that if she takes too long to feel good in an answer,

 

To fully commit to, or (in the off chance she doesn’t want to,) break away cleanly from Addison,

 

That Addison will either drive in too deep like a whore on tequila and try to drown herself, 

 

or run away completely back away to New York where she came from again.

 

Because you see, on the one half of the coin, she has plans, that if, it is

 

Addison who unfortunately ends up being the one to break Meredith’s heart,

 

Then Cristina already promised she’d kick the shit out of her entirely.

 

But if Meredith is the one to break Addison’s (heart, mind-body-spirit-entire existential existence)

 

Then Cristina’s all but sure that there isn’t anyone around her who cares to catch her.

 

And Cristina knows that it can't be her, to catch Addison,

 

Because she has to stand by Meredith no matter what. 

 

So Cristina hopes to dear life Meredith won’t hurt Addison,

 

Because she knows that Meredith will never, ever, forgive herself

 

If she finds out that she hurt her mystery lover/hero, even the teeniest bit, even by accident..

 


 

Izzie brushes into Cristina’s shoulder by accident, 

 

She bumps her as they both watch Meredith flirt and exchange.

 

It brings Cristina back into the reality,

 

As they watch as Meredith finally asks him what he was doing on Monday.

 

And as Arthur, the psychiatrist describes how he was working a shift the whole night,

 

And how yes, that he’s sure he never went by Joe’s or went drinking,

 

Cristina can feel her whole body tense as she sees Meredith’s face contort. 

 

Meredith’s expression changes from confusion to disappointment, to sadness,

 

To anger (for wasting her time) and eventually to acceptance.

 

She converses with him absently a bit longer,

 

To not seem suspicious.

 

And she pulls the note from him out of her pocket,

 

To ask how and why he put it there.

 

And as the psychiatrist boy-man continues to chatter,

 

Izzie can feel just how tense Cristina has gotten, and she reaches to take Cristina’s hand. 

 

Cristina accepts it, feeling the warm heat of Izzie’s fingers wrapped into her own.

 

And she takes comfort in the fact,

 

That no matter what happens, 

 

That Meredith still had more friends than her,

 

And that she, Cristina has someone else who’s reminding her now,

 

That she can lean on her too.

 


 

“He is so NOT” the one,” Meredith says in a huff, as they land back in the locker room alone.

 

She’s looking at Cristina first, to signal she’s talking about the ‘mystery person’ game.

 

Cristina nods slightly to accept this, as Izzie nods in a different understanding.

 

“I’m sorry Meredith,” Izzie Stevens says to her.

 

“I’m sorry if you wanted him to be someone date-worthy. 

 

I guess not everyone can be a McDreamy, now can they” Izzie sighs. 

 

And Cristina tries hard not to choke on her water when Izzie says this all so casually.

 

And Meredith only pulls at her lips with a slight smile. 

 

“I think I’m getting a bit NOT into McDreamy anymore anyway” she huffs loudly.

 

“At least not the Derek-shaped ones, anyhow” she huffs more.

 

And Cristina can’t help when a smile grows on her skin.

 

And she says to both Izzie and Meredith without a hint of a smirk.

 

“You know, boys are-” Cristina starts.

 

“Boys are just assholes” Izzie finishes her sentence for Cristina. 

 

“Boys are just stupid. Stupid boy-penisis. Stupid Boys” Meredith grunts. 

 

And all they can do is to laugh a good laugh at that one.

 


 

“We should play Truth or Dare,” says the ‘pregnant patient’ from his bed.

 

“Well you’re awfully cheerful” Addison offers “for someone whose labs I had lost in transition”

 

Derek nods as Addison takes the complete fall for the failure and doesn’t flinch at all-

 

Not even an inch when Addison frowns at him for not saying anything more than nothing.

 

“Fine” Derek pouts roughly. And the gruff voice appeals to no one now. 

 

“I’ll go first I’m not 007 anymore I am George who could operate on a heart in an elevator guy”

 

George says with confidence as he brags at his save with Doctor Burke and Richard,

 

The one he had had during their snack break.

 

Yes, during his snack break, George O’Malley plugged a hole in a patient’s aorta. 


And all he wanted to do now was sit here and play games with all of his friends.

 

And lord knows, he deserves it.  

 

the patient asks her as if it were his turn again.

 

And they let him because well, he really might be dying,

 

“Truth or Dare” asks the ‘pregnant man’ patiently. 

 

So they let him go on as if none of them had anything really to ask,

 

Because they actually didn’t. Not anything that any of them could.

 

Ask that is, or make someone do. Not in front of their boss, or in front of their interns.


At the very least when it was the patient who was calling the shots for the doctors,

 

They could always have said that it was out of their control.

 

“Truth” he picks confidently, as the ‘pregnant patient’ considers.

 

“Did you like kissing the boy?” he asks, thoughtful.

 

“Yeah, I think I really, really did,” George says to him without shame. 

 

And no one moves a muscle other than smiling at him proudly.

 

Because George O’Malley saved a heart in an elevator today,

 

But his coming out was even braver than every inch of all of that. 

 


 

“Izzie Stevens Truth or Dare” 

 

And Izzie ponders before saying “Truth”

 

And the patient asks Izzie to tell them about the type of women she used to kiss at parties.

 

“Long black curly hair, asian mostly, umm, not too short or too tall, good kissers”

 

She’s not lying, she’s not making anything up as she recalls.

 

And she glances very quickly at Cristina after answering with her eyes on the ceiling. 

 

And without turning her head at all, Cristina Yang sees the flicker of Izzie’s eyes.

 

And Meredith doesn’t notice Izzie’s glance upwards, just the clench of Cristina’s hand into hers. 

 

And this time it’s Addison catching Cristina being the one to bite her lip hard,

 

As the smallest tinge of blush spreads across her whole face. 

 

And if she were Cristina which she isn’t, she would feel the gloat of superiority washing in.

 

But she isn’t, and Addison doesn’t. Instead, she feels a smile coming on,

 

As she likes to imagine that Cristina Yang just might find her happiness someday soon also. 






Alex calls for a dare before the patient even asks him the question.

 

The patient guffaws at his forwardness and asks him to do a handstand upside-down. 

 

As he does this (while having Addison hold up his feet so he doesn’t kick anyone)

 

He has his eyes closed in effort so he doesn’t notice George O’Malley ogling his upper body.

 

And George keeps on Ogling it as Alex’s shirt rides up to his belly button.

 

And Addison mercifully tries to help keep it tucked in or tucked up or whatever,

 

but she doesn’t want to touch Alex’s pants accidentally or brush his hands across his chest.

 

So as the shirt rides up for the second time, all Alex says to everyone is

 

“Well, I hope you like the show ladies and gentleman” with a shit-eating grin.

 

“First one’s free, but you know kisses cost extra” he winks at no one. 

 

And all the tension in the room just seems to disappear as he giggles.

 


 

And when Cristina picks “Truth”, she smirks wider than a Cheshire cat at his suggestion.


“Read out the last 6 people you text messaged to and say in three words what you talked about”

 

So Cristina pulls out her phone and pauses dramatically before she speaks. 



1 - George O’Malley, “Heart In Elevator”



And George grins even wider at that one. 




2 - Preston Burke, “Are we Over?”



Cristina sort of winces at that one. And she answers everyone’s question before they ask it. 

 

She just says to them “I texted him yes, by the way” before continuing on down the list.



3 - Meredith Grey, “Is Psychiatry Sexy?” 



Izzie and Meredith laugh at their inside joke for this one. 

 

And Cristina laughs loudly as she catches Addison glare at her for encouraging it.

 

 And then Meredith answers to everyone (not just Addison, though it feels that way)

 

“Turns out that it really isn’t for me” as she laughs. 

 

She pulls out the note from Arthur she had been holding earlier and said

 

“He wrote to me thanks for the memories, but I have no good memories of him. So I said no”

 

And Addison almost has a stroke at the familiar phrasing,

 

Noticing the coincidence of the words they both used in a note,

 

As she panics and wonders if Cristina let anything slip,

 

Or if it triggered some deep-seated memory to re-surface itself at this time.

 

But she sits back down relaxed in her seat again when Cristina says,

 

“Nope, it’s definitely a NO to that question” right to Addison in subtext.



  1. Alex Karev, “Where is X-Rays



“He got lost”, Cristina said simply. 

 

“I was NOT,” says Alex insistently.


“You were in the basement .” she begins.

 

“You passed the morgue on your way past the billing ” she laughs.



  1. Izzie Stevens “Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry”



“She was at the grocery store and wanted to know if I wanted some ice cream,” Cristina said.




  1. Skippy Gold” Cristina says extremely confidently. “Restaurants, Crime and Powerful Ships” 




She says this while looking directly opposite of Addison,

 

Who is looking down at her toes now, redding more by the minute.

 

“Hey wasn’t Skippy Gold your High School Prom Date?” Derek asks Addison openly.

 

“He sure was” Cristina confirms as Addison looks up at her in alarm.

 

“He told me that himself years ago. He’s like my third cousin or something” she smiles.

 

 And the lies roll of Cristina so smoothly like butter,

 

As Addison’s eyebrow-raised expression only adds to the plausibility of her “experience”

 

“You said you would never tell anyone, ever about Skippy Gold” Addison says bitterly.

 

“It’s ok Addison,” Cristina says her first name and gets away with it all.

 

“I know he was a terrible prom date to you. No one needs that much Star Wars talk in one night”

 

Cristina recites from what Addison had said about her memory.

 

“Oh, I remember you saying that!” Derek chips in excitement. 


“SEE,” Cristina says to him with a fake - oh - so - fake - nod of approval.

 

“I don't want to talk about it” Addison huffs.

 

And no one takes it as weird at all Addison would want to stop talking about high school.

 

So as Cristina smirks wider and Addison does her best to ignore her,

 

Meredith smiles sympathetically back over Derek’s shoulder at Addison,

 

And when Addison finally looks up and sees her offering this,

 

It’s all Addison can do not to jump up and kiss her right then. 

 

(she doesn’t, obviously, because this is a hospital . She thought. obviously. )

 


 

“Truth or Dare is for babies” Derek Shepherd admonishes roughly.

 

It’s like, ironically uncanny just how childish he is actually being. 

 

As he’s watched everyone’s turns go by and enjoyed them,

 

Not wanting to take any risks for himself.

 

“Well be a big baby for us now will you Shepherd”, the patient now admonishes him.

 

Much to ALL of the intern’s cheering delight. (And also Addison's, though more subtly.)

 

“What, are you chicken? ” he says. And Derek takes all the bait. 

 

“Not at all, ask me anything” Derek challenges with a determined look. 

 

Ugh, ego much, Meredith curses under her breath, thinking that she’s been quiet.

 

Addison is just close enough to her and grins.

 

Meredith looks up and smiles again quickly before scoffing at Derek 

 

And the thought that she feels like she’s winning somehow pleases Addison immensely.

 

“You have to pick one, you know,” the pregnant man says as if he doesn’t know.

 

“Dare, then,” Derek says, not wanting people asking him embarrassing questions.

 

“I dare you to kiss Doctor Alex” the patient gets right to the point. 

 

Addison’s eyes widen at this in surprise before she looks firmly down at the floor. 

 

She’s biting her lip now not to react to this and she looks away before she sees Derek moving.

 

He stomps firmly over to Alex Karev now and towers over the younger boy at his seat. 

 

He doesn’t hesitate or make light of it all, he just leans right on in,

 

and sticks his tongue right down Alex’s throat deeply before ending the kiss,

 

Almost as quickly as it has just begun. 

 

Alex looked at him in a stunned haze as if he had imagined the whole thing. 

 

And after that he just smiles at the patient and tells him “not bad, dude, Gays’ got it ‘some good”

 

And the interns laugh mildly at the patient’s new bolder requests.

 

And Derek sits down in a sulk not saying one extra word for the rest of the game. 

 

And yet, Addison does not miss the sad look in her ex-husband’s eyes,

 

And the subconscious licking of his lips, as if remembering the taste of Alex’s tongue and

 

The clenching of his fists, the same way he had, when he woke up from bedding Mark Sloan.

 


 

“Truth or Dare,” asks the ‘pregnant man’ contentedly, now directed at Meredith.

 

“Ah, I think Dare then I guess” Meredith shrugs with no mind. 

 

“I dare you to eat lick one of those kids lollipops - he points at the ones for the children leftover -

 

“And pretend that you’re making out with them out loud as you eat it,” he says 

 

And if there could be a word for something greater than utter fucking delight and glee ,

 

It still wouldn’t be able to measure up to the joy on all of Derek’s and Addison’s and Cristina’s-

 

On each of those three people’s faces now, all for similar but slightly dissimilar reasonings.

 

On Derek’s of course, because he wanted to see Meredith’s mouth move over the sucker.

 

On Addison’s of course, for the same reason as Derek and because her core actually clenched

 

When she realized she was probably going to see the situation make Meredith moan.

 

And on Cristina’s, because she could tell just by the pop of the question,

 

That in every way, shape or form, that Derek and Addison were both at the entirety-

 

Of Meredith Grey’s most seductive and erotic of mercy’s.

 

And they neither of the three of them or any of them at all,

 

Were going to be able to cry out “uncle” before they are way past the gone.

 


 

Meredith picks out the cherry popsicle and unwraps it carefully at its seams.

 

She feels her delicate fingers untangle it before she sucks it into her mouth,

 

For the first time. She’s grown up on these suckers, having been bribed,

 

By her mother and father (and occasionally Richard) with them all the time.

 

So she knows that the Cherry is her favorite. It tastes just like, RED , she thinks.

 

(Red just like Addison Montgomery’s hair, she thinks actively as she eyes Addison now)

 

And Addison is watching her with a piercing sort of gaze as her hands gripped her seat. 

 

And Meredith savors the way Ms. Montgomery is appreciating her now,

 

Because she’s never quite seen that dark look in her eye before,

 

But it is strangely and insanely sexy all at the same time and Meredith likes it.

 

She likes it a hell of a lot more than the way Derek’s jaw is opened right now.

 

She actually hates that a whole lot. So she asks Derek to leave for a moment.

 

And he protests before she says “it’s just a baby game to you anyhow.”

 

Then he gruffs before saying he has better things to be doing as a Doctor.

 

But everyone ignores him as he shuts the door tightly, feeling put-out.






And once Derek is gone Meredith continues her game. She raises her eyebrows-

 

Just as she’s staring into Addison’s eyes, and she moans . At her.

 

And for a minute she thinks maybe she should restrain herself.

 

Addison being who she is and being her boss and her Attending and all.

 

But the Derek thing just seems all so far away now. And Alex KISSED Derek.

 

So a few noises here and there from herself while locking eyes with Addison,

 

Well compared to what Derek did couldn’t get her into as much of a trouble.

 

And for some other reason (that reason being Addison’s eyes are almost black)

 

She doesn’t think she has to have an official conversation about this at all. 

 

 Because if anyone did ask her questions, she has Addison to make up excuses for it all.

 

Because she wasn’t going to give away to HER boss or to anyone what SHE was doing now.

 


 

And in name what Addison is doing right now is trying not to explode,

 

As Meredith sees her crossing her legs back and forth, and biting her tongue and her cheek.

 

And Meredith smirks at her (even wider than Cristina is smirking at both of them now)-

 

As she watches what the sound of her tongue licking the lollipops in board strokes does to her.

 

The result is so much more than she could imagine. Addison is grinning now, hiding it. 

 

But she’s grinning as Meredith is smirking and licking with the pad of her tongue.

 

And there’s nothing on earth that can keep Addison from imagining that tongue on HER tongue.

 

So Meredith is doing with her tongue now what she’d do with Addison’s mouth given a chance.

 

She sucks on the sucker with the whole of her lips, turning them a bright red like lipstick.

 

And absently Meredith wonders what Addison’s lipstick would taste like.

 

What her lips would taste like on hers. And maybe this attraction was absurd.

 

Maybe it was cataclysmic in epic proportions. To lust over her boyfriends, not even ex-wife-yet? 

 

God, she really was such a whore. But I guess so was Addison. And the thought turns her on.

 

So she doesn’t even blink as she allows the sucker to grow smaller and smaller.

 

And she smacks at her lips together and does a flirty kissing sound in the air. 

 

And Meredith is flirting for real, big time, this time. Not the lame stuff,

 

The stuff she was doing to the boy-man-psychiatrist. No, sir. This was real.

 

She was pulling all the stops, as Addison’s stare almost made HER heart stop.

 

And once the sucker was over, she leaned into Addison close just as she sat down.

 

To tell her that “Cherry sure is a good flavor. It tastes just like a cherry chapstick” 

 

And she says this in rhythm as if she were rhyming out the Katy Perry song,

 

As she allowed the warm breath of her candy-kisses lips to pass over Addison's own.

 

And she could just about taste the hint of sweetness and sugar, that she imagined,

 

Beyond her wildest doubts, that Meredith’s mouth would taste exactly like,

 

If she were to lose herself in all thought and just lean over and kiss her senseless.

 

But before she could move a muscle, before she could lose all of her self-control,

 

Meredith had already made up her mind for her. As she sat down into her seat.

 

She pulled away from Addison’s alluring stares, and towards the smug Cristina on her side.

 

And she smirked up at her so Addison would know that SHE knew,

 

Just how erotic an experience it had been for both of them.

 

And if Addison could move in her chair right now without it being too obvious,

 

She would have noticed just how wet her tight clothes were becoming,

 

And how turned on she really actually was, in the middle of this patient’s room,

 

In the middle of a HOSPITAL. In the middle of her WORKPLACE. In the middle of SEATTLE.

 

Where she’d never ever thought that she’d be sitting with her tongue out just a little,

 

As she licked her lips subconsciously thinking she was sure to god going to HELL,

 

For thinking the thoughts she was thinking about Doctor Grey at this very moment.

 

(Namely the ones about Meredith fucking her on this very floor right about now, for reference.)

 


 

If Addison thought that she was having it bad right fucking now, then she would be right.

 

(Well, except for the ‘pregnant patient’ who seemed to be regretting it in his male gay-ness)

 

But she wouldn’t be right if she had been thinking that she was the only one.

 

Obviously the boys - both George and Alex are both freaking out a small bit over there.

 

And even Cristina, who tried her very damndest to not think of her friend that way, liked it.

 

And Izzie Stevens also appreciated it and appreciated much more about watching Cristina.

 

Izzie is eyeing Cristina now and she’s staring so hard and getting away with it too,

 

Because Cristina is staring directly at Addison now, with a look of impatience.

 

“Doctor Montgomery?” Cristina tries to snap Addison out of it before Meredith notices.

 

“Addison?” Cristina tries gently over and over again but Addison is gone it appears.

 

“Addie?” Meredith tries her nickname, and the combination of that and her voice work.

 

“Yeah-huh” Addison sort of mumbles as she tries to bring her heart rate down,

 

As well as her body temperature and her pulse and get control of her darkening eyes. 

 

“It’s your turn ” Meredith sort of insists to her as Addison furrows her brow in confusion.

 


 

“Truth or Dare, Doctor Boss” the ‘pregnant patient’ finally asks her (saves her).

 

“Oh, right. Ah. Dare, then, I guess.” Addison says noncommittally. 

 

Because of she sure as hell has quite a few unwanted truths she cares to not let sneak out now.

 

“Well that’s an easy one, I have just the proper thing for a doctor like you,” the patient says.

 

And as much as Addison would like to say she’s prepared for anything a patient could say,

 

Addison is left entirely unprepared for what is about to unfold after what the patient says next.

 

“I Dare you, Doctor Boss, to be kissed by a woman. Right here, and right now, in front of us.”

 


 

Addison chokes out the moment he says this. And she can’t help but look over at Meredith.

 

And Meredith is looking wide-eyed back at her too. And then there’s a moment.

 

A moment when they both search in each other’s souls to see if they want the same thing.

 

They look at each other with reference, with curiosity, with lust, with hope and loss and fear.

 

And they’re terrified, because if the next moment does not live up to all of their desires,

 

Then they are no longer sure what would ever be possible. The world would just die.

 

Just go purely extinct and the both of them, Meredith and Addison, would just stop.

 

They would cease to even exist. They would never, ever, be them again.

 

They would never be the same with or without this, not after, either way. 

 

And either way, they knew that they had to make a choice. Now or Never.

 

And the wanted, yearned for, longed for, NEEDED to know they would both think the same.

 

 


 

 

That they’d both pick each other 



That they’d both choose each other. 



That they’d both LOVE one another.



“Pick me, choose me, love me”



The words echoed in Meredith’s ears as she remembered saying them to Derek.

 

And then she thinks now she has said those words to the very wrong person entirely.



“Pick me, choose me, love me”



The words echoed in Addison’s ears as she remembered Derek saying them to her.

 

Only they weren’t even FOR her. They were reserved only for him. From Meredith.



“Pick me, choose me, love me”

 

The words echoed in Meredith’s ears as she vaguely remembered hearing them again,

 

But this time falling to her out of someone else’s lips who she can’t quite understand yet.

 

And she tries to soothe her aching brain but she feels all lightheaded and numb.

 

She feels like ten tonnes of tequila, she thinks she might be onto something now, but not quite.



“Pick me, choose me, love me”

 

Addison remembers mimicking Meredith back that night at the bar.

 

And now she wishes she’d meant it to her then, and that Derek wasn’t there, 

 

Only Meredith saying those words not through him, for him,

 

But directly to HER. 



And the moment seems endless as the two of them feel trapped in eternity together.

 

They are staring at each other’s eyes, each other’s lips, each other’s mouths.

 

And they are staring as if into each other their souls, into their minds, into their hearts. 



And they think that they are finally drunk off anticipation enough to decide.

 

To make the decision for themselves and for each other.

 

To make the decision that will dictate their destiny.

 


 

“The Human life is made up of choices. 

 

Yes or no? 

 

In or out? 

 

Up or down? 

 

And then there are the choices that matter: 

 

to love or hate, 

 

to be a hero or to be a coward, 

 

to fight or to give in, to live or die... 

 

Live or die? 

 

That's the important choice, 

 

and it's not always in our hands. 

 

Yes or no? 

 

In or out? 

 

Up or down? 

 

Live or die? 

 

Hero or coward? 

 

Fight or give in? 

 

I'll say it again, 

 

to make sure you hear me: 

 

The Human life is made up of choices. 

 

Live or die? 

 

That's the important choice… 

 

and it's not always in our hands.”

 




And just when Meredith and Addison both thought the decision was in their hands, it wasn’t.

 

Because before either Meredith or Addison could stop staring long enough to move a muscle,

 

Yang did. 

 

Cristina wordlessly got up out of her chair.

 

She pushed her way over to the chair where Derek Shepherd had earlier occupied.

 

And she sat herself down right between them; between Addison and Meredith. 

 

And she mouthed an “I’m sorry, don’t hate me” at Meredith quickly,

 

Before Cristina turned her head around,

 

And brought a hand to Addison.

 

And she cupped her face.

 

She whispered

 

“Not yet”

 

“Go”

 

And then,

 

Cristina could feel her.

 

Cristina could feel Addison’s lips on hers.

 

Cristina could feel Addison’s mouth on hers, too.

 

Cristina could feel how Addison’s tongue moved when she sucked it.

 

Cristina could feel how Addison’s throat groaned out when she kissed her rough.

 

Cristina could feel how Addison’s hands tightened up when she slid her tongue all inside.

 

Cristina could feel how Addison’s body shuddered when she gave it her all, have her everything.

 


 

As if Cristina couldn’t feel as well, the way that just and now, how she’d taken everything away.

 

Taken away what Addison and Meredith both thought that this moment would be.

 

The moment in front of everyone in the room yet just for them also.

 

The moment their desire was consummated finally.

 

The moment Addison came out.

 

The moment for MerAdd.

 

Their moment.

 

Theirs. 

 

Not-

 


 

Not-

 

Cristina’s moment to slide in right in front of Meredith and kiss the hell out of her right there!

 

Meredith was beside herself furious at Cristina now who is looking back at her empathetically.

 

And Cristina thinks Meredith is about to cry. So she holds her now, holds her hand.

 

And she looks at her best friend right in the eye. And she tells her. “I know” and that’s it.

 

And at that moment, despite Meredith saying absolutely nothing else to her at all,

 

Meredith understood. 

 

She knew what Cristina had done FOR her, not against her. FOR Addison, not against her.

 

And Addison didn’t quite understand yet what Meredith had come to understand.

 

Because Addison and Cristina are close now, but she’s MEREDITH’s person, not hers.

 

So when Addison looks up at Cristina, all drunk and hurt,

 

Cristina looks Addison then, right in the eye. And she tells her. “I know” and that’s it.

 

And Addison seems to understand from her too, that they’ll talk about it after.

 

After Izzie stops staring open-mouthed at Cristina. 

 

(Which Cristina is trying not to be sort of high-key really happy about)

 

And George and Alex stop whooping at both of them in delight.

 

And the patient stops cringing to himself and then laughs in humor and lightness again.

 

And with that, the patient senses that the rest of them need some time to recover.

 

So he says to them “Thank You” and says they were all very brave.

 

And Addison says “You’re welcome, I’ll get those tests to you soon”

 

And he just smiles at them all and says “live while we’re young.”

 

And Addison sends Izzie to pick up the labs.

 

And she sends George to go pick up the tilt test.

 

And she sends Alex to deliver the update to the chief.

 

And they all leave with a nod, without a word.

 


 

And, impulsively, she sends Meredith Grey to go deliver that note back to the psychiatrist.

 

And she tells her she probably doesn’t want to go near him. The boy-man psychiatrist.

 

Because Addison is jealous of the psychiatrist but doesn’t know how to deal with it.

 

But she still feels annoyed enough to tell Meredith she should avoid the psychiatrist 

 

As if she knew something about him Meredith didn’t because she had 

 

“Been around longer as a doctor” and she “Knew about him back in the day”

 

Meredith buys it, or at least she happily pretends to, but Cristina gives her a questioning look 

 

And then when it’s only the two of them Addison just sits down and shrugs and says “thanks.”

 

As if she’s starting to understand, but not quite and she still wants to talk about it. 

 

And Cristina says to her thanks for the thing about the psychiatrist anyhow.

 

Because he looked like he wanted to ride Meredith Grey like a carousel.

 

And Carousels clearly have Meredith Grey the CREEPs as her mother said. 

 

And so Meredith goes off to give the note back to the psychiatrist as she is told and say “no”

 


 

And Addison asks Cristina with her eyes why she didn’t hesitate to volunteer to kiss her

 

And she asked her it was at all to make the Doctor Stevens sort of jealous,

 

And Cristina shifts uncomfortably at the thought and says a shy “yes” to her,

 

Addison is relieved Cristina has no upper hand for the very first time in their up relationship

 

But because she’s just so Addison , and she’s been so grateful to Cristina,

 

Addison just smiles widely saying super genuinely that Stevens is an excellent doctor,

 

As is Cristina, and that they would be lucky to have each other.

 

And Cristina says “well, huh, I guess that means you must ‘ship’ us together then, hey?”

 

And Addison laughs as she says she does ‘ship’ them, whatever , and that she’s glad for her.

 

Because she never really truly said to Cristina how scared Izzie looked when she saw her-

 

Saw Addison in the halls as she was running to find her to say that ‘her friend’-

 

‘Her friend’ needed Addison to operate on her immediately. And she understood why.

 

And Cristina says thanks, not knowing this unfamiliar territory of Addison looking out for her-

 

As well as everyone else in their “breakfast club’ - seeing as she had blackmailed her -

 

Literally only a few days ago. And called her out for Skippy Gold. And also kissed her.

 

But they both knew even though it was Addison’s first kiss with a woman it didn’t matter.






“You still matter to me, you know,” Addison says. “The Interns. Bailey’s Interns” she adds.

 

“You all do,” Addison adds quickly. “I know,” Cristina says to her with wide eyes.

 

“You are like, crazy. And we - I- need that from you. I need you to never not care” Cristina says. 

 

And that’s when Addison knows that Cristina is doing the thing where she’s talking-

 

But actually talking with Addison about something- someone else again.

 

“It’s okay to let yourself be cared for back too,” Cristina says in a way that mirrors Meredith a bit.

 

“I care about you back ya know. And not only for surgeries. That was just a joke.” Cristina says.

 

“I don’t ever love you- not in that way at least and I won’t ever love like that”- Cristina begins.

 

“But I do love you as our teacher, I love you as our genuine friend. I love you as my mentor”

 

Cristina continues. “And I love you for being a better boss than Burke ever was to me-”

 

Cristina trails off a bit and now Addison is not sure where she’s even going with this at all. 

 


 

“When I first got here, Meredith had her McDreamy and I wanted mine” she continues

 

“And I knew I wanted to be a heart surgeon so I wanted Preston Burke,” she says.

 

“So I let him take pieces away from me. I let him hold on to me like on a leash” she says.

 

“I know he’s been taking pieces from me. Chips pieces of me away like glass” she says softer.

 

And for all that they’ve interacted with each other, Addison has never ever seen Cristina Yang,

 

THE ,Cristina Yang looks so vulnerable to her. “I’m so sorry,” Addison says slowly.

 

“I know Preston’s my friend. So if you ever need anything from me, I have influence” she says.

 

“Thank you Doctor Montgomery,” Cristina says to her genuinely, she hardly ever calls her that.



Cristina is relieved that she talked to Addison about this because she would talk to Meredith-

 

But she didn’t want to bring up any comparisons or bad flashbacks about Derek.

 

“Thank you, for saving me,” Cristina says to her again as if she just remembers again.

 

“Thank YOU for saving me,” Addison says to her barely above a whisper.

 

“You know if things were different, and I wasn’t your student, and you weren’t crushing on Mer-”

 

Cristina begins before Addison could jump to say something to her quickly about that last one. 

 

“If things had been different” Cristina says with weight so that Addison knows she means Derek,

 

“I think that we could have been friends,” Cristina says to her, offering up a handshake.

 

“We can be friends in a few short years Yang, after I’m through with kicking your ass” she adds.

 

“I really do hope so,” Cristina says in a careful way, as Addison notes that the tone has shifted.

 

The conversation has shifted back to Addison’s question which she still hasn’t answered yet.

 

And she doesn’t even have to ask it out loud because Cristina knows what she means.

 




“I kissed you because I didn’t want Meredith to kiss you then,” Cristina says softly.

 

“It wasn’t really for me, or for Izzie to make her jealous or all that” Cristina adds again.

 

“But- why?” Addison asks her. “Knowing all that you know, why would you?” she asks.

 

“Knowing all that I know” Cristina starts up again. “I know you,” Cristina says.

 

“I know you need to have a fighting chance. I know you don’t have much net under your feet”

 

She elaborates before Addison questions her. “I want it to work you you know, I really do-”

 

“You’ve both been hurt by Derek. You have an invisible bond. You’re both broke, you can fix it”

 

“When you’re ready when she’s ready. When you both have some fucking self-respect built up”

 

Addison flinches at Cristina’s harsh words and swearing but the flash in her eyes says it's true.

 

“I think you could make Meredith Grey really happy. And I think that someday she’ll want YOU”

 

Addison can’t stop a flash of hope and a grin to come out as Cristina softens gently.

 

“But if/then it does happen, I want it to happen in a way that is real,” Cristina says to her wisely.

 

“We accept the love that we think we deserve, Doctor Montgomery” Addison hears her own line.

 

It brings tears to her eyes and Cristina moves to hold onto Addison’s shoulder softly.

 

“I learned that the hard way over Burke. It took an almost McBaby for me to really know-” 

 

“But I know I deserve more than him. And he needs someone who is not me” she says.

 

“And you deserve- you both deserve more from each other too,” Cristina says simply.

 


 

“I don’t want your lives to be a joke or a game,” Cristina says. 

 

“You could be something beautiful. You both are really beautiful. You’re anything but ordinary”

 

Cristina is going a bit far away so Addison is seeming to be a bit lost all over again.

 

“You could be something extraordinary together, even if you’re more than ordinary apart”

 

Cristina says to her finally. “And it will be one of the great privileges of my life-”

 

Cristina sighs before she says it. “To have gotten to watch it all happen” she concludes.






And before Addison can say anything she forgets herself entirely.

 

And she’s wrapping her arms around Cristina Yang’s shoulders.

 

And Cristina is holding her close, even though normally she doesn’t like to be held.

 

And it should feel insane, that Addison is being held like this by a student.

 

But some of these days, she hardly feels like she’s a teacher at all.

 

So she just takes it all in and appreciates all the honest truths.

 

And they just stand there awhile, living, breathing.

 

They stand there as Cristina settles as well

 

They stand there until they stop crying.

 

They stand there until they breathe.

 

They stand there together.

 

With each other.

 

Waiting.

 

Now.




 

As if they are each waiting for something truly important, that is just about to begin.

 


 

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***** END OF CHAPTER 13