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Falling Apart, Barely Breathing

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Chapter 12: Break On Through, Part Two



"Are we going to keep playing Never Have I Ever?" Alex Karev asks in a sort of whiny tone.

"Yeah, we only actually went like one round before everyone started to talk about other things and share stories and cry" George O'Malley says.

"But that's the best part of drinking games. Thinking about all the great stories we have to share with each other" Izzie explains to him.

"This room is like, vegas, right? Like what happens in this room stays in this room and we don't talk about it, right?

George says with a nervous glancing, which is funny because he's hardly said anything incriminating about himself yet and people wonder what he even has to hide.

"Yes, this room is like Vegas" Meredith confirms. "No one talks about it after to anyone. Ever."

"I, for one, can keep a hell of a good secret" Cristina Yang smirks widely.

She purposely doesn't even meet Addison's eyes to see that the redhead is nodding subconsciously at her assertion, so as not to raise Meredith's suspicion.

" Well I'm basically a goner anyhow," the 'pregnant patient' says to them all. "But if this is the last day of my life, it's happened in the blink of an eye but I wouldn't want to change a thing".

"You're not DYING" Addison confirms with a determined huff. "We like you too much to let you die NOW" she asserts, and the compassion that seeps into her voice is so deep and vulnerable that all the interns look up at her with a bit of a stare.

"I cannot BELIEVE I am involved with any of this" Derek Shepherd says as he walks by and possessively sits between Addison and Meredith, much to their mutual distaste.

So they decide to play one more round of "Never have I ever" so that they can go round and ask each other one question each.

Alex says "never has he ever kissed a boy" and everyone puts down a thumb, even O'Malley.

This makes Alex raise an eyebrow at him before George explains he was six and they laugh.

All the other interns put a finger down without hesitating. Addison sort of winces as she watches Meredith do this but hides it with a cough.

Derek also puts a finger down, and off the intern's shocked look, Addison says "We once had a three-way with Mark when we were drunk" and she shrugs.

It makes Meredith quirk her eyebrow up curiously at Derek, who is blushing furiously, and then finally at Addison, who she is looking to for an explanation.

Because ironically enough, if somewhere along the line Derek, Mark and Addison had all slept with each other at the same time, why had Addison's adultery with Mark from Derek even mattered at that point?

Sensing Meredith's and everyone's confusion, Addison went on to say "Derek didn't like it. The three-way, that is. He gets jealous." she concludes.



He gets jealous.

Addison rolls these words off the tip of her tongue.

Like she's lying even though she had been telling the truth.

She does not reveal to anyone, much to Derek Shepherd's pleading relief, that in that complete and intoxicated state he was in on that night at the Hampton's with his best friend and his wife, that it was not necessarily Mark he was jealous over for sleeping wither, that actually it had been Derek who got jealous of Addison, for sleeping with Mark.

Addison knew this, but knew better than to say anything to him at the time. Derek kept saying that he had been drunk and that he didn't remember. Didn't remember that he spent the night watching Mark make love to his wife, before he stepped in and had his best friend do the same to him.

And that Addison had spent most of the night watching her husband fall into bed with his male best friend, who was loving it too. And then the next morning they both claimed not to have remembered anything at all, just that they were never going to do this ever again.

No matter how much Addison tried to get either of them to talk about it, they didn't. Mark left her alone for a while. Derek started drinking more scotch than he saved. He started going to work earlier, coming home later.

Not wanting to have sex with her. And she could never confirm that it was because of that night he had spent having sex with her, then Mark Sloan because he refused to talk about it.

So he never came home anymore. He started to lose his temper more frequently. He got all possessive of her. She still loved him in a way, or wanted to try. But he was always angry.

And she was lonely that night in Brownstone. And Mark Sloan was there. And both of them were hurting. And Addison kissed Mark. And Mark kissed her back. And Addison throws off his coat to the floor before leading him into her bedroom.

And when Derek found them sleeping together hours later he left her out in the rain, before letting her in again and then walking away.

Derek never talked to Mark again. She never told Mark what she thought she knew.

She was going to. Addison had planned on asking him that night.

But it was the one night that Derek had come home early.

And it was the night that he left for Seattle, and never looked back.

And Addison has never told the whole story to anyone, ever.

And she swears that she probably never, ever will.



George says "never have I ever been married".

And that makes everyone groan because only Derek and Addison put down a finger and they already knew that already.

Derek twists his wedding ring in his hand, the one he's still wearing.

And Addison moves to do the same before she feels it's not there.

"I wish I could have gotten married," the pregnant patient says to the doctors.

"It's still not even legal here and I wanted to try, just to have a ceremony and rings and all that.

But we were on the way to our non-legal wedding when we got hit by a car" says the patient.

"I lived. He didn't," he says sadly.

"I'm sorry" Meredith is the first person to say this.

Meredith is always the first person to say that she's sorry.

And the empathy and compassion she displays never fails to make Addison's heart pull a little tighter each time.

There's a moment of reflection where everyone sits around again.

Before Izzie is offering them a new question to ponder.



"Never have I ever had sex in this hospital" Izzie Stevens smirked up at everyone.

God, she's almost as smug as Cristina, Addison rolls her eyes inwardly.

Alex proudly puts down his finger. George does as well.

The 'pregnant patient' does not, and everybody laughs at that.

Cristina does and everyone shrugs and Alex tries really hard not to say "Burke McBabies" so it comes out as a sort of a snort instead.

Meredith sighs when she puts one down as well, eyes flickering up to Derek then down again in shame.

Addison catches this and frowns a deep frown.

"You cheated on me with Mark in New York" Derek says, off her looking at his finger moving down, assuming she's angry because Meredith slept with him.

Only she's flaring in rage at a whole other thing, that she's mad because apparently-

Meredith was banging her ex-husband in the hospital no less and it makes her mad because a part of her wanted Meredith for herself.

Luckily for her, the rage is the same on the outside.

Because on the inside she's fuming at her subconscious like a cartoon character.



Addison is freaking the hell out because her brain had just told her that not only did she want Meredith Grey to herself, but apparently it was saying to her also that she wanted to screw her among the very floors of this HOSPITAL, no less.

Ugh, what a lifetime of working a surgeon does for one's knowledge of places to get laid at her workplace, Addison sighs inwardly to herself. She imagines how hot it would be to have Meredith fuck her, right in the open under the stairwell, or in the supply closets, or in the elevators, or in the scan rooms, or in the MRI lab, or the exam rooms, or the on-call rooms…

The list went on and on as she struggled to focus on the conversation that was going on around her about which intern slept with whom, and where. All she could think about was having Meredith Grey, back her against the wall of the Attendings lounge and tear all her clothes off.



Addison can feel her cheeks reddening and her core tightening. She was squeezing her long fingernails down into her fists before frowning (at herself). Luckily these signs were taken to others as signals she was annoyed, not turned on, in this situation.

When Addison pointedly doesn't put a finger down at that one and everyone is staring at her, yet again, and she mumbles something that sounded like a swear word before looking at Derek.

"Well it's not like you cared for me enough even to try" Addison says to him dryly.

"Because I'm apparently that entirely as appealing to you as a stranger" she lapsed again.

Derek mumbles something like a sorry at her but Addison looks away as he shrugs at her.

And Cristina does not fail to miss the relieved expression that Addison's face contorts to once she's certain that Derek was not going to propose in a porn-cliche-way for them to 'change that right now'.

Meredith glances up at Addison sort of sympathetically, as if she's trying to say to her again, I'm so, so sorry Addison for screwing your husband.

I really didn't know, and I know you forgive me but you just sort of found out that we screwed here right under your nose.

And so your life must kind of suck right now. And I'm sorry.

And it's the damnedest thing.

That Meredith Grey would be seeking her forgiveness or something right now as her own husband Derek didn't show even one ounce of remorse at his antics.

Addison lets a smile curl to the side of her mouth just for Meredith, to let her know she's not angry at her, at least not that angry.

She really didn't know so it's not fair to make her feel guilty for hooking up with who she believed was her own boyfriend at the time together.

And her heart warms and she stares just a little when she sees out of the corner of her eye,

Just small enough so no one else can see but her, but just wide enough that she can tell.

And she feels more than smug knowing that even though Derek is looking at Meredith,



That all of that smile is only for her.

She can feel it in her bones and in her veins.

With all of her fibers of her being.

She can feel Cristina smirking at her.

So she knows to drop her gaze into Meredith's eyes.

And smile at the floor instead.

And try like hell to wipe the shit-eating grin,

From creeping onto her face right now

And she thinks she has it handled.

Has it all under control.

She could keep this under control.

She could keep herself professional.

She could keep a secret still.

She could work alongside everyone.

Ahem, everyone, including Meredith.

She could try like hell not to go completely and utterly mad.



Because, still.

It IS maddening, to say the least.

For Addison.

To think.




Meredith Grey!

Had given her ex-husband.

Something that she never knew that,

Never knew that she'd been wanting for so long,

Something she knew she'd keep wanting for. Like she's waiting.

For that something - that someone, to finally consider her, Addison Montgomery.

To be one of her options. And to give her one of those cheesy,

Adorable, young intern speeches that she'd already

Given Derek. One of those impulsively

Carefully worded speeches.

Pick Me. Choose me.

Love Me.



Addison Montgomery.

Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery.

Was falling, so epically, so quickly, so terrifyingly, ridiculously,

She was falling like she would never see or feel the ground underneath her,

Never feel the comforting ground to lay upon and thank the earth for her solid footing again,

Never ever come back down to this earth because she was so immersed in the

Complete lack of oxygen that this fall had generated under her

Because from where she had started falling,

She never even knew, never ever,

Would ever know she was,

Falling in - what - like?

Falling, in Love?!

With HER?

For her?




The One

And the Only,

Doctor Meredith Grey.

And she didn't know it quite then.

She couldn't put a finger to the feeling.

She would never be able to articulate much less ADMIT.

That she was falling so hard and so fast and so dangerously, so recklessly.

In love with her ex-husband's ex-mistress. Her Intern, her co-worker. Her maybe even friend.

And there was absolutely no way, no one, nothing anybody in the whole entire world

Could stop the oncoming train that was leaving the station.

It was leaving the station to take her for a ride.

She was into this woman like a train.

And like hell, did she want,

To go for a ride.




She, she



Has Wanted Meredith.




She's wanted her.






Wants her.











" FUCK."

Addison realizes she's spoken that one word aloud. She was thinking of outrageously explicit images and thoughts about a certain lusty blonde intern.

Addison has absolutely no clue where they are in the conversation now.

So her swearing makes everyone snap to her in surprise.

And she flushes completely as she looks at them completely confused.

As they wonder what the hell that they said to make her

Swear like that so loud and so sharply,

In front of a PATIENT, no less.



"I agree"

The unlikely voice of Dr. Cristina Yang swoops in to save her.

"I'm all for switching to play "Truth or Dare" instead later, but I think that we should break now, says Cristina.

"I want to get some snacks before we start. Doctor Montgomery treated us last time." says Meredith.

"We should all go now and bring back some munchies and buy for her this time instead." says Izzie.

"What do you like to put into your mouth huh, Doctor Montgomery?" Christina asks and winks at her.

With her eyebrows arched so high they almost come off of her head.

"I mean something sweet? Something Salty? A mix of Both?" Cristina continues.

"Everyone has a guilty pleasure snack. I bet that yours is delicious" Cristina quips.

"Speak up Addison or I'll have to keep guessing. Somehow, I don't think I'm wrong" Cristina smirks.



It's devilish and dangerous how she tilts her voice on that one, and Addison is flicking her eyes,

Only for one split half-of-a-millisecond to Meredith Grey's body back to hers again.

Such a marginal gesture that not even Meredith quite catches it.

She's playing with fire right in front of everyone else.

She's milking it for all that it's worth.

And good hell is it working.

Because Addison,

Is speechless.


Figure out

Anything, ANYTHING

That would be work appropriate to say.

So she stutters something completely incoherent.

And looks up in Cristina's eyes in panic, as if silently begging for mercy,

Before Meredith Grey saves her again, telling her best friend: "She bought me some Cheetos."

"Why don't we get her a pack of those, and some gummies, and some chocolate, and a soda?"

Meredith says without any sense of double-entendre or euphemisms, at all.

And Cristina flashes her a last-minute wink before she leaves,

To pick up the snacks with all her intern friends,

And she's left nodding dumbly,

At Meredith's suggestion.

So that they'll leave.

So she can,



One freaking

Second in her panicking

Once again. As Derek,

Just looks at her,





Her to

Explain why

She agreed to Cristina.

And her suggestions about her snacks.

He looks up at her with a furrowed brow and she's

Completely and utterly horrified and terrified he'll find out what she's

Been thinking about all along. All her dirty thoughts and loaded secrets and exchanges.

But all she sees when she looks up at him with those big, wide round eyes.

It is a touch of compassion and sympathy and really more confusion.

So she asks him why he is staring at her like he's confused.

And Derek finally tells her why he is so confused.

At her acceptance of Cristina's snacks.

"Because," Derek says to her.


You know.



I still remember.

I remember some things,

About you, we were together,

For eleven years.

So I know.








He concludes.

With a shudder from Addison.

When he tries to run his hand on her shoulder.

She bats his hand away from her indignantly so she can face him.

"I used to hate Cheetos when I was with you." she begins.

Beck then when we were married.

I hated Cheetos.

And now,

I like


I like Cheetos and

I like other things that

I did not like, when I was with you.

People's tastes change, Derek, you know.

People change, their tastes change and their life changes.

I'm changing, I'm growing up, I'm learning, and I'm moving on from you.

So I don't need you to come in here and put your hand on my shoulder to tell me no Cheetos.

Because now that I'm free from you and our sham of a marriage, and that

I'm free from your hovering gaze and your nights you stayed away,

And your stupid trailer on that stupid piece of land.

With that house, you will never build.

Well, let me just tell you.

I will eat Cheetos.




I will, I will eat them.

I will eat them without you.

I will eat out all the damn Cheetos I please.

And I swear to you Derek, I swear to you over and over.

I will tell you that my God Damned stupid Cheetos, will be so fucking delicious.

And so much more satisfying than any other snack foods or meals,

That I have ever, or ever will, enjoy with Mark, or with You,

Or any other man from my past, ever again.

And with that, Addison walks away,

She says sorry to the patient.

She slams the door.

She leaves him.





Alone, and without any Cheetos.