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We Had Everything

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Her lips tasted so good, but it was that feeling in her stomach that kept pulling her in. Over and over again she gave in to Charlotte. She gave in to the hungry kisses, to the impatient touches, to the whispered words that promised her so much. Merel knew better, but in the end she always gave in to Charlotte.

Merel knew she wasn’t the only one to kiss those lips. Sometimes she could even taste it, taste Lucas’ kisses on Charlotte lips. She wondered if he had noticed her kisses as well. If he had, he probably never mentioned it. Why would he? After all, Charlotte had chosen him in a way she’d never choose Merel.

He was Charlotte’s home, while Merel was only there to keep her warm at night. While her love for Lucas was displayed to the world, Charlotte’s love for Merel was only whispered in her ear. It was their secret, with the darkness as their only witness.

Merel was pulled from her thoughts when the warmth of Charlotte’s lips suddenly disappeared. She opened her eyes, finding Charlotte’s eyes looking right into her soul. The lamp on the nightstand next to them gave her hazel eyes a golden touch. Charlotte was painfully beautiful.

‘What is it?’ The words were just a whisper, as was Merel’s answer.

‘Nothing.’

Merel had stopped counting the lies. By now the lies were living their own lives. They lied to themselves, to each other, to the world. And in the end it would all come crashing down. Merel just wasn’t sure yet who would be the one to take all the damage.

‘Merel,’ Charlotte whispered as she gently took a grip of Merel’s chin and looked her right in the eye. ‘not again.’

Merel couldn’t say anything. She wanted to be with the other woman, so badly, but she couldn’t just turn her mind off. She couldn’t keep wondering if maybe Charlotte was thinking about Lucas instead of her. If maybe she would pick her in the end instead of him. If maybe all of this was just a lie.

Charlotte sighed. It sounded annoyed and disappointed, sending a shot of guilt right through Merel’s heart.

‘Why are you doing this? Why do you have to make it so difficult? We have everything.’

‘No, you have everything, Charlotte.’ Merel said before even thinking about it. ‘You have a husband to show off to the world, to start a family with, to build a future together. And when you’re away from home, from him, you have me. You have me to keep you company and to fulfill your needs when he can’t. And what do I have?’

They just looked at each other in silence. There was so much more Merel wanted to say, and she knew it was now or never. After this she would never have the courage to say her thoughts out loud again.

‘I love you Charlotte, that’s why I was okay with being your second choice. But you’re just using me now.’

‘I’m not using you, I just don’t want to choose. You said you understood that.’

‘Charlotte, you married him, while I can’t even hold your hand when we’re not alone. You chose him.’

Merel’s chest hurt. Letting the words out was more painful than keeping them in. Charlotte on the other hand, only seemed annoyed when she eventually climbed off Merel’s lap and off the bed. Without looking at the blonde, Charlotte grabbed her shoes and made her way to the door of Merel’s hotel room. It was only when she reached for the doorknob that Charlotte turned around one last time.

‘I don’t get why you always have to make things so difficult. But don’t worry, you don’t have to think about it anymore.’

Then she left, but Merel still worried. What they had wasn’t everything, but it was still something.

And now, she had nothing.