Actions

Work Header

The End and the Way

Summary:

Following the events of TLJ, the Resistance is on the run, gathering support but always two steps away from ruin. Rey and her new friends find themselves hunting for lost Jedi Temples that may hold secrets to aid in their fight against the First Order. But how will she balance her new power, new friends, and the magnetic pull she feels towards the man who calls himself Kylo Ren?

Notes:

When the leaks started coming thick and fast in those pre-TROS days and things started to look bad, I banged out an outline for how I thought like the story should continue. It was supposed to be a funny little one-pager to read to someone as a Christmas gift. It's evolved since then. It's been a long, long time since I've written anything and I am beyond terrified to post this. But I want to see it through to the end, and I know that if I don't post it, I'll never finish. This is the first bit.

Chapter 1: Beginning

Summary:

A beginning. Rey reads a book and tries to unpack her thoughts. Finn and Rose explain why Rey's clothes got bleached. Beaumont Kin brings a message.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Light is the left hand of darkness
and darkness the right hand of light.
Two are one, life and death, lying
together like lovers in kemmer,
like hands joined together,
like the end and the way.”
-Ursula K. LeGuin, The Left Hand of Darkness

 

---< >---

 

Rey sat on the floor of the Falcon gangplank, hunched over a book, wisps of hair hanging loose around her face. Outside, the remains of the afternoon rain dripped and slipped through the leaves of the large trees stretching high on all sides. It pinged against the hull of the ship, echoing through the empty halls. She could hear Chewie inside behind her, fixing something, the spark and flare of a welder inter-spaced with the odd Wookie curse. One of the Jedi texts lay sprawled out in front of her. The occasional gust of wind blew in droplets of rain, which splattered onto the pages. She absently wiped the moisture away.  

This was an almost abandoned planet, close enough to still get a decent comms signal from orbit, but far enough away from shipping lanes and inhabited planets to provide a haven away from the First Order. The Resistance had landed in a heavy forested southern continent, setting up in clearings and between trees. What had started as a quick stopover had dragged into weeks - a long time for a fleet that depends on speed and stealth to avoid the First Order. The rumor, when anyone spoke to Rey at all, was that there was something going on with the General. Health? No one knew. Least of all Rey, whose attempts to speak to Leia had been politely declined several times. After awhile, Rey stopped asking. Trying to make friends with the rest of the Resistance hadn’t gone much better. She had Finn, of course, but he was so often busy. As for everyone else, well...a solitary life on Jakku had given her many skills. Making friends, real friends, was decidedly not one of them. Which lead her to this -- sitting alone in the chill breeze with her stolen library of Jedi texts.

This particular book, she thought -- she hoped -- was about calming the mind with the aid of the Force. It was hard to tell.She let out a breath of air, turned a page and brightened. Scratched into the margins, in a clear and meticulous hand, were notes in Basic. She didn’t know who had written them and they weren’t in every book. They felt like a lifeline, like a message from an old friend. And, perhaps more importantly, they were an invaluable practical help. As she had quickly learned, her knack for picking up spoken languages at speed did not extend to written text. Her fingers traced the unfamiliar symbols, willing them to twist into something recognizable and regular. They remained stubbornly static and with a little sigh she focused on the margin notes instead. Use Force to borrow calm, one note said. Whatever that meant. She would learn this. She had to. She had to have calm and clarity if she was going to be what the Resistance needed her to be. 

“Hey-oh! Rey!!”

“Reeey!!!”

The noise made her snap up, instantly on her feet. She realized in a panic that she had no weapon. She overbalanced and stumbled forward, smacking her head hard on the entryway of the Falcon. Massaging her head, she looked down to see Finn and Rose laughing. She scowled at them, but soon she was laughing, too. 

“What are you here for?” She called down. The two of them were maneuvering a large cart piled high with what looked like cloth sacks over the rough terrain.

“Official Laundry Detail, reporting for duty,” Finn said, snapping out a mock salute. Rose giggled and he grinned sideways at her before turning back to Rey. “I drew the short straw this week.”

“But it’s not all bad. This way we get to talk to everyone!” Rose said, beaming. Finn shrugged. 

“As soon as Poe gets back, I wanna see him on laundry duty.”

“Poe’s gone again?” Rey asked, settling against the doorway, crossing her arms in front of her. 

“Him and all of Black Squadron,” Rose said, “They needed pilots, so it's a no-go for us."

“I could be a pilot.” Finn said, only a little sullen..

“Poe told him they needed pilots who could land without crashing." 

“Hey, I don’t crash every time, alright?" Finn said. Rose giggled and shook her head. "I’m surprised they didn’t ask you,” he said, looking up at Rey.

“I guess I crash too much, too.” Rey said quietly. It would have been nice to have been asked.

“Anyway, we got your laundry.” Finn chucked a bundle at her with the word “REY” printed and pinned to it. Rey caught it out of the air and opened the neck of the bag. 

“Thanks, I -- wait…these…aren’t mine.” Rey said, nonplussed as she held up a very, very white piece of cloth.

“What do you mean?” Finn asked, good naturedly looking up at her. In a few quick steps he had joined her on the Falcon’s gangway. “Of course it’s yours, look: shirt, leggings, arm wraps, other um, things -- there’s a whole list, see?” He showed her the back of the card with her name on it, listing out contents.

“But they’re so…”

“Clean?” Finn deadpanned. Rey laughed.

“Ok, so, I might have thrown them in with the bleach.” They both turned to look at Rose, who was now blushing furiously. She bounded up the slanting gangway, nervously twisting her hands. “They looked like they needed it! Um, no offence!!"

Rey didn’t respond, but held up a shirt in front of her and tried not to make a face. “I am going to shine like a beacon in this forest,” she said in an undertone to Finn.

“Good thing Jedi don’t go for stealth,” Finn agreed.

“Well, you have your dark grey clothes, too.” Rose said. Rey felt her body freeze. Some of this must have registered on her face, because Rose then continued by way of helpful explanation: “You know, the one with the black tunic that you were wearing when you picked us up on Crait? They’re in the bag, too. You haven’t worn those lately, I forget you even had them until they showed up in the wash!”

“Yeah...” Rey said vaguely, not listening. She felt a buzzing in the back of her brain. A splinter in her mind. She found her hand digging deeper into the bag. As her fingers closed reflexively on the rough tunic, her thoughts shunted inescapably back to what had happened the last time she had wore it. She saw again the long, red room. Pain. Ben’s eyes. A word: Please. A few feet away, Rose was still talking animatedly; she must have said something funny because Finn was laughing. But inside the reality of her mind, Rey saw, felt -- No. She leaned into the Force, pulling it to her, borrowing calm. Just like the margin notes said. She could not do this now. Not while her friends where her. With an effort, she fought to push down the memories. To lock them away. How had these clothes even gotten into her laundry pile? She yanked her hand out of the bag. She noticed that Rose had stopped speaking and was staring at her expectantly. 

 Trying to appear as though she’d been listening, Rey stretched her face into a smile and nodded vaguely. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Finn studying her with a furrowed brow and worrisomely shrewd look. There would be questions from him later. But Rose, at least, seemed satisfied by her response.

“It’s too bad we’re not on a planet where we could do any shopping,” Rose continued, then laughed and leaned forward conspiratorially, “my sister Paige and I used to –”

Just then they were interrupted by Connix, who popped suddenly around the doorway below, “Hey, do you guys have my stuff too?? I know teeeeechnically” she stretched the word into at least three extra syllables, “we were supposed to have all our laundry in the basket by yesterday but I was on the night shift and I -oh. Sorry.” She stopped almost comically short, all of her usual verve draining away as she laid eyes on Rey and the pile of Jedi books on the floor. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, snapping into a sort of parade rest. “I didn’t mean to bother you. I can come back.” 

Rose looked quickly from Finn to Rey, then turned back to Connix, smiling brightly.

“Don’t worry, we’ve got your covered!” Rose said, bopping back down the gangway to help.

“Back to work,” Finn said, grimacing as he too turned to leave. He was about halfway down the gangway when he turned back to look up into Rey’s face. “I’ll…see you at dinner later, right?”

“Of course,” she replied automatically, “Wouldn’t miss it.” She was still processing Connix’s sudden shift in demeanor. Why couldn’t people just treat her normally? In the same playful way they did Finn or Rose? 

“I dunno,” Finn said, shrugging, “You’ve missed a lot of dinners lately.”

Rey returned his gaze but didn’t have an answer for him. Instead she hugged her bundle of clothes close to her.

“I mean, I get it.” Finn said slowly.

“You...do?” 

“Yeah, of course,” he took a step closer to her and lowered his voice, “We’ve been here almost two weeks. Two weeks. Nothing’s happened. First thing that does happens, two of the best fighters in the Resistance” he motioned between the two of them, “We get left behind. What’s that about?”

“Right." Rey said gravely. "And then General Leia won’t see me.”

“You serious??” Finn asked, eyes wide.

“I’ve been trying to speak for weeks about all of this,” she waved her hand at the Jedi texts on the ground. “But every time I try to see her, I get told she’s busy. Just Keep studying that’s the last reply I got. I need guidance, Finn, not empty words.”

“That isn’t right,” Finn frowned, then after some apparent thought added: “Don't get mad, but you….you ok? Only, you seemed pretty distracted? I know there’s been a lot going on, but since you got back from –”

“I’m fine,” she cut across him, sharper than she had intended. A wave of shame crashed over her as she saw the hurt in his eyes. She pushed the feeling away. The truth was, as much as she trusted Finn it was better, simpler, for him if he didn’t know everything that was in her head just now. She cast her mind around for a kinder way to answer his question. “I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve been...it’s nothing. I’m sorry I keep missing dinner. I haven’t been hungry.” He gave her an incredulous look and she laughed to deflect it. “Really, I haven’t. But I’ll be there tonight.” She grinned and it felt like putting on a mask. “We’ve got to plan how to get back at Poe and the others for leaving us behind.”

The prospect of revenge on Poe seemed to satisfy him and Finn grinned back. She envied him. Nothing seemed to bother Finn for long. Then with a wave, he was gone and she, Rey, was left standing alone on the decking. She watched her two friends vanish from sight around the corner, then turned to wander back into the ship thinking vaguely about putting away her laundry. The Jedi texts remained on the floor, temporarily forgotten. 

She paced back to her quarters on the ship and laid the clothes out on the small berth in front of her. They were so white. Carefully, she removed the tunic and trousers she’d been wearing and began to pull on her new, clean clothes. They seemed different. Not just in color. Like they didn’t quite fit the way they used to? It didn’t make sense, she told herself, nothing had changed. Nothing. She pulled the wraps around her and belted them, an automatic gesture she could have done in the dark. And yet, these longer wraps, once her best friends against heat and wind felt strangely binding. And so blindingly white. There was a little mirror in her quarters, and found that she didn’t recognize herself. She smoothed the fabric and frowned. Nothing has changed , she told herself again. But this time, she knew it was a lie. 

Her eyes flitted to dark grey tunic, reflected in the mirror on the bed behind her. She felt the buzzing at the back of her head again, and this time there were no friends to distract her. Again, she saw the long, red room, felt pain ripping through her as Snoke tortured her. Felt Ben Solo’s eyes on her, how they’d connected and she’d known exactly when to reach up and grab that lightsaber. That moment, looking into his eyes just before they turned back to back to fight off Snoke’s guards....she had felt something she’d never felt before. A wholeness. To be seen and known and understood. She should have been paralyzed with fear, but in that moment she knew that no matter what happened, they would be able to face it, together. Except, later it was gone...she saw him walk towards the throne instead of toward her. The lightsaber between them, his hand, reaching out...but Ben Solo had chosen power over her and left her for a path she couldn’t follow, just like everyone had always left her. She felt cold. It was like being back in the cave on Ahch-to again, and the darkness yawned open, stretching into infinity.

And yet. In some small rational part of her mind there was still a light. It felt far away still, but she called to it, inching towards it until the madness began to pass, her thoughts disengaged, and she could breathe again. She realized vaguely that she was on the floor and had no memory of how she got there. Trying to even out her breathing, she got to her feet and began to pull her loose hair into tight and ordered buns. She felt tears on her face and scrubbed them away with the back of her hand. It was then she remembered the Jedi books, sitting in the rain. Her heart dropped into her stomach, she thought they might be actual paper and if they got too wet --! She flew back out into the hallway, almost running down a man in a tan jacket with the Resistance symbol on the sleeve.

“Rey!” he said, dodging deftly out of the way. “I’m glad I found you.”

“Yes, on my ship is usually a good place to find me.” Rey replied tartly. Then she stopped herself as a fresh wave of guilt crashed over her. “I’m sorry. It’s Beaumont, Beaumont Kin, right? What’s going on?” What was going on? First she was rude to Rose and Finn, her friends, and now this new person who was basically a stranger and --

“It’s the General…she just landed and it…” he trailed off, then seemed to steel himself to continue. “It doesn’t look good. And Rey, she’s asking for you.”

Notes:

Thank you for reading! More to come soon.