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'Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost

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The first time Morgana saw her, she was riding into Camelot, tears in her eyes for her dead father. But then she saw her across the courtyard. She was laughing, she was beautiful. Like a light in the darkness that Morgana was feeling. Later, when she was shown her new chambers in the citadel, she learned that the girl was to be her handmaiden. Her name was Guinevere but she liked to be called Gwen, thank you very much. Morgana smiled widely and felt a fluttering feeling in her chest she couldn’t name quite yet.

Over the years, Morgana and Gwen grew closer. When Morgana tried something, she made sure Gwen did too. Even though she was a maid, Morgana made sure she knew that she was special. Uther and Arthur were insufferable about it, telling her she should treat her in her class, but Morgana didn’t listen. Soon, they were known to always be together. Morgana couldn’t be happier.

And then the boy came. He was tall and skinny, his dark hair a stark contrast to his pale face. Nothing particularly amazing about him, except he stood up to Arthur. Morgana and Gwen decided they liked him, and Gwen got to know him better. That year, Morgana noticed how she looked at him, and for the first time got jealous. She made sure Gwen was around her more often than usual, and was relieved to find that Gwen didn’t mind. Not even a year later, Gwen moved on, and Morgana was glad things could go back to normal.

But her joy couldn’t last long. Gwen fell for her awful half-brother Arthur. It wasn’t bad enough that she found out she had magic and that Uther was her father, but Gwen, her Gwen, is with Arthur, who feels the same way. Most nights, Morgana could barely contain her jealousy, but still Gwen was her friend. That just wasn’t enough any more. Morgause showed her the truth. Uther must die for magic to be restored, Arthur must die to keep it that way. Morgana had her own grudge against Arthur, she wanted Gwen.

Morgana no longer lives in Camelot. With Morgause gone, her grudge against Arthur strengthens. She will do anything to take him down. He doesn’t deserve Gwen, and he never will. She has no aversion to Gwen being queen, but she has a problem with her ruling alongside Arthur. When she attacks Camelot that spring, she sees Gwen again for the first time. It hurts her to have to raise a sword against the girl she loves. Gwen asks her what she’s done wrong, and Morgana is almost struck speechless. She tells her that her destiny is the problem. If anyone heard, they would assume she meant becoming queen. But it would be marrying Arthur that Morgana could never forgive.

Not long after the battle was lost, a messenger came with word that Camelot had a new queen. Morgana killed him on the spot. This was it. This war would be fought with any means necessary. Arthur took her love, now it is time for him to pay.

Gwen’s screams can be heard from anywhere in the dark tower. Morgana wishes there was another way, her screams break Morgana’s heart. When she tells Gwen of her torture, she can almost see the young girl she fell in love with all those years ago.  After this process is done, she’ll have her Gwen back.

When Gwen was under her spell, they were as they used to be. It was bittersweet to feel like she had her love back, but only because of an enchantment. When Gwen had been released, it stung her. But all was fine. She has found Emrys, she can destroy Arthur and avenge her loss. War was to come.

Merlin, her friend once upon a happier time, was her killer. She heard the echoes of Alator as she felt the blade pierce through her. She looked up at disbelief into what used to be a friendly face. With the cold feeling of the metal and her life slipping away, she found relief and peace. At last, she could not feel the pain of the loss of Gwen. Maybe one day, she would see her again. Maybe then she could be loved in return.