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“you still love me? Even if I’m out of the band?”

“I still love you, I just want you to get better…”

Weiki kissed Ingo’s forehead and cupped his cheeks.

“you will take your medication when I’m touring, you have to. Promise?”

Ingo wearily smiled.

“I promise.”


Those visions had drifted away, replaced by the sounds of birds chirping. Weiki placed his arm over on the other side of the bed where he slept. That certain spot was still empty, he had hoped he’d be back but it was no use.

His pumpkin. Gone. Forever.

Weiki slowly roused himself from bed, squinting his eyes from the bright morning sun coming from the window. He frowned.

‘Must’ve forgot to close the curtains again…’

He got up and closed them. He remembered how he and Ingo would sometimes go out for walks in the morning when there was no practice. That is until they stopped doing it when Ingo was out of the band, he had always declined Weiki’s offer, saying he wasn’t in the mood for it. He would always say yes.

Weiki would double check to make sure if Ingo really didn’t want to go or make sure he’s okay so he wouldn’t do anything stupid.

After that one day however…

He knew it wasn’t healthy, he started skipping his breakfast. Plus it was near to be eleven anyways, if he had practice today, he would never hear the end of it from Markus or even Andi.

Weiki looked at the calendar and sighed. He couldn’t bear visiting anymore, it was only a few years ago, he should’ve gotten over it right? No.

He went to the closet to get dressed- of course, it was black.

That’s all he could wear. He didn’t want to wear bright colors anymore, it didn’t match his mood. If only he’d been lucky enough to get over it, he knew the others have, at least some.

He still remembers Kai’s screaming of ‘how could you?!’ or even ‘this is your fault! I hope you go to hell!’. He was already in hell. After Kai stopped calling him, he couldn’t help but cry. Everything had gone so bad after the last few years, it left a very deep scar on his soul.

Weiki walked out of his apartment and lit a cigarette. It felt like it was more cold in March. Ever since…that day.

March 8, 1995

Ingo walked out the clinic and was met by a pretty harsh cold wind. He didn’t wear anything warm enough, he figured it would be today. He left several letters for his friends and family, he couldn’t go on anymore, this pain was too great.

Weiki was supposed to visit today, he visited every day to make sure he was okay and ready to be back home. He would be released home today and somehow convinced the nurses he would be home safely.

He kept walking until he heard the sound of laughter from kids at a nearby park. That laughter soon died when a kids ball was stuck in a tree. He was close to the park, plus he was obviously taller than them, he didn’t want to deal with.

“Hey! Mister can you please get that ball for me?” the kid merely sobbed. Ingo clenched his teeth and walked away.

“Get it yourself!”

“Hey that wasn’t nice!” some girl pouted.


Ingo ran away from the park and finally managed to get to the train station. His head and lungs hurt from the cold. He didn’t care about the headache that was now striking his head like a hammer to a nail. But he was more confused as to why his world starting spinning around him, even more confused when the sun had disappeared in the clouds when he thought it was now night time.

The snow started to fall down slowly, he got up from the ground, knees stumbling, and went up to the railing. It was always busy these train stations were but he figured it wasn’t too busy because of the weather.

His hands kept shaking, his heart beating more and more faster, tears dwelled in his eyes.

This is it.

He could hear the train coming, it roared for him. His voices telling him to jump already. He knew this would hurt. But it would end the pain right?

Thoughts of him with the band were now in his head, they were all so happy…until Kai left, his health becoming more serious, and then Weiki not loving him anymore.
He loves Weiki with all his heart, but if he’s gonna be gone…maybe Weiki will be happy or sad. He couldn’t tell, he would always see Weiki in the clinic with either a disappointing look or a resurgence look.

The train was now coming closer.

Oh the look on Weiki’s face…what would it look like? Happiness? Sadness? Regret? Oh, they’d regret it know, kicking him out of the band, the band had been so dearly to him. Heh. Not anymore.
He lost the feeling. He couldn’t even remember his friends or his family’s faces anymore. They were now just…black. Their faces scribbled out in black. He didn’t know those people.

Another thought: A Helloween group photo but now his face scribbled out in black ink.

He’s a goner now.

He jumped. His whole vision now black and the sound of the train screeching.

Weki had walked through the whole cemetery without looking at any of the directions as to where he was going. He has only gone here a couple times and now it seems the directions were now glued to his mind.

He now saw the very familiar grave that had displayed before him. The memories coming back of where the small ceremony was, he couldn’t take it. Markus knew that. Markus knew Weiki should not have been there but he had to. Facing the pain.

Weiki stood in front of the grave. The little pumpkin ceramic and the lantern were still intact for the cold snow, the flowers around the grave were slowly trying to blossom due to the lack of sun. He stood still for so long, not sure if he could feel anything anymore.

Then from the corner of his eye he saw someone dressed in black. A girl with a bouquet of flowers—red roses to be exact, with a black dress walking along the grave sites, humming to herself quite loudly.
Weiki looked away from her and turned his attention back to the grave. He couldn’t tell if the rose had appeared there without him knowing. A red rose symbolizing love…and yet death. Weiki would always bring him red roses for any event but for this he didn’t, he forgot.

The girl must have gave every grave a red rose. Weiki wanted to thank her but she was gone now. The silence swallowed him whole again as he finally stared at the grave once again.
The rose laying perfectly on the plate sent shivers down his spine. Next then he knew his frame shook and tears pooled his face. His vision now blurred and fell to his knees, he shakily reached out his hand and wiped off the snow that was half on the plate. Revealing the words: Ingo Schwichtenberg.

He choked back a sob, he swore he could feel Ingo’s presence near him. He shook his head frantically at that thought and clenched his fist against the ground.


More tears fell.

“I hope somebody you’ll have a beautiful life without me, I hope I will see your star in the sky but…”

He opened his eyes and faced directly at the picture of Ingo on top of the plate. A bit of anger and a lot of sadness in his icy cold blue eyes.

“Why..? you cannot fathom how much I miss you right now! How much I wish that this is just a really bad dream! Just please…come back..”

Someone was humming again in the cemetery, it must’ve been that girl he thought. He wouldn’t care right now that he’s crying in public, she probably wouldn’t bother him since it’s normal to cry at a cemetery.

He somehow managed to make out what she was singing…


She had kept repeating that line over and over again, Weiki had memorized it now without meaning to.

He continued to cry harder, saying wishes of how I wish you were here or I love you’s. The sky was still a bit cloudy, the wind now starting to gush through, like it was telling Weiki to move on.
Weiki had managed to pull himself up from the ground and wipe the final tears off his face. He sighed and pulled a little note from his jacket and placed it in the pumpkin lantern and stood there.

Despite not eating breakfast he was feeling hungry so he thought it would be around lunch time to get something. He sighed and slightly whispered.

“I’ll see you on your birthday, I promise.”

Weiki walked out the cemetery not daring to turn back around.