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The Curious Incident of the Alchemist in the Night Time

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On the morning of February the 1st, between approximately the hours of 0000 and 0100 the following events occurred.

I was walking with Major Havoc, Major Breda, Captain Falman and 1st Lieutenant Fuery past central headquarters, we noticed that the office lights of our commanding officer, General Roy Mustang, were still on. I went to call him from a pay phone in order to check if our assistance was needed. The General did not pick up the telephone and when I returned to my fellow officers I found that they had left their position.

I then went to the guards at the west entrance of headquarters and questioned private Ryan Murray if he had seen the officers, he informed me that they had decided to investigate the Generals office after they saw him grappling with an unknown assailant through the window. I then proceeded to the Generals office, I prepared my gun for use in the case of firefight in accordance with article 32.6.4 of the officers handbook.  Upon arrival at the corridor of the Generals office I saw approximately 10 soldiers outside preparing to apprehend the assailant engaging with the General. Within seconds of my arrival Xingese tear gas had been deployed and Major Havoc announced that the assailant was making a run for it. The effects of the tear gas were potent and shooting at the assailant was no longer possible. Once the gas had cleared the assailant was gone, however one of the windows was clearly transmuted open. The style of transmutation did not match that of any on record. 

Major Havoc had been at the front of the group to go into General Mustang's office and confirmed that the tear gas had been deployed by the Alchemist who had been attacking the General at the time. The General was not made aware of why the assailant was attacking him, however it is suspected to be due to his part in the ending of the Furhership of King Bradley. The General only sustained slight bruising from the encounter, though part of his uniform had been ripped. There was no damage done to his office and all important files and research kept in his office has been accounted for. 

Investigations into the identity and whereabouts of the unknown Alchemist are currently on going and the level of security surrounding General Mustang has been increased. The General has commended Major Havoc for his quick thinking. 

Lieutenant Colonel Riza Hawkeye.




Ok, don’t listen to what anyone else says, our actions that night were completely justified and honestly a certain commanding officer could be a bit more grateful that he has such concerned subordinates.

You see me, Hawkeye, Breda, Fuery and Falman had gone out for a few after work drinks and the chief had said he’d join us later but he never actually turned up, which wasn’t really worrying but Mustang normally never misses an opportunity to drink. We were walking past headquarters as we left and noticed that the lights in his office were still on and Hawkeye said she’d go give him a call, just to check up cause you know how the guy can get sucked into his brooding.

So while she leaves to go to a public telephone and give him a call, we stay there waiting looking at his window. And then we see it. A shadow crossed the window and it clearly showed the chief and someone grappling. I figured that it had to be an assassin sent after him by the old Bradley supporters and as his loyal subordinates it was up to us to save him. He'd been receiving threats in the post for weeks and I know the boss was meant to be looking out for him but what if he'd been taken down already?

Falman said we should wait for Hawkeye but I'd bet that with that freaky second sense she had she was already on her way and that we’d have to go back her up as quick as possible!

Of course being the responsible soliders we are we didn’t have any arms with us out drinking, asides from Hawkeye but I'm pretty sure she can't even sleep unless she's got at least 3 guns on her. Which meant we had to go to the store room on the second floor. You know the one Maria and Rebecca hid all the good stuff in after the promised day? We just took out some low caliber stuff from that, being responsible and all, didn’t want to blow up the Chiefs office. Again. And maybe, I might’ve slipped some of that Xingese tear gas, just in case Breda was ever being a shit and I needed to set it off in his house. Sometimes even your friends can need some tough love. 

Now after we’d armed ourselves we decided to head over to the Chief's office and rescue him from whatever was happening there. We met a few of the night guys along the way and invited them along, they said they’d heard some banging in the Chief's office but hadn’t thought to check on it, supposed it was just him and Fullmetal fighting like usual. The idiots. 

We got to the door and set ourselves up, all in proper formation, ready to go.

I kicked the door in first, shouting so Mustang knew it was back up. But then, what I saw there. Well it certainly wasn't the Chief grappling with some assailant. Instead he and the Boss were wriggling around in the middle floor like a pair of half dressed eels. Attached at the mouth. I didn't know whether to be more shocked that Edward would go for the General or that the General would go for Edward. 

As soon as they turned to look at me I knew what I had to do, cause while might be alright if the other guys from the office saw this, it would be the end of everything if someone from outside saw it. So I did the best thing I could think of, and in my opinion one of the smartest moves of my entire career, I threw the Xingese gas canister right at them and shouted that the assassin was getting away. I ran into the room, kicked the Boss off Mustang and told him to scram. 

Despite the pain caused by the tear gas and the boss later hitting me in the shin for being a "paranoid idiot", I fully believe we were right in our actions to try and save the General and that no one, no one at all, could have possibly predicted the outcome that occurred. 

I just hope to whatever god is up there that I never come across the chief and the boss almost fucking again. 



"So Havoc caught you and the General fucking on the floor."

"We weren't fucking! We were just...being close.” 


"Yeah close! Just cause you're a fucking slut Win doesn't mean the rest of us are!" 

"Brother, could you not call my girlfriend a slut."

"Sorry Al, I just call 'em as I see 'em." 

"Right. So what did Havoc walk in on you doing with General Mustang, brother?" 

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing! We were just minding our own business when suddenly he decides to bust in, start shouting and throwing shit at us! No idea why"

"Ah, so you were just minding your own business together, while being close, and then Havoc, followed by half the night staff and the rest of Mustang’s team, decide to bust in and start rescuing the General for absolutely no reason?" 

"That's what I said isn't it?" 

"And the person General Mustang was grappling with?" 

"What? Who told you about that?"

"It's on the official report you left on top of all the shit on your desk Ed."

"Oi, that's highly confidential Winry! I should get you arrested for reading classified military documents!" 

"Shut up dork, I should get you arrested for just leaving  'classified documents' sprawling all over your shit hole of an apartment!"

"Hey, Winry! This is my apartment too!" 

"Sorry Al, the shittiness of Ed living here just overrules everything else" 

"Oi, I'm not the shitty one here to live with, Al's the one who keeps trying to smuggle stinky stray cats in here" 

"They're not stinky brother! They just need love! Anyway, stop trying to change the subject, who was Roy grappling with and why did he have ‘bruises and torn clothes’ when Riza found him?" 

"Since when has Hawkeye been Riza-"

"Stop changing the subject!" 

"Ok, ok, well what happened is, we were, ya see. Oh please Al stop looking at me like that" 


"You know I can't lie when you look at me like that" 

"I know." 

"Come on Al, I know you don't wanna hear about your brothers sex life"

"Ah, ha! So you were fucking the General!"

"Shut up Winry! I told you we weren't fucking, we were just being...close" 

"Like physically close?"


"Emotionally close?"

"Maybe a little..."

"Mouthally close?"

"What the fuck does that even mean you grease monkey?"

"Were you kissing? Making out? Dancing with your tongues?" 

"I never want to see you move your tongue like that again Win" 

"And I never wanted to think about you and the General having sex and yet here we are Edward, now give me the details." 

"Not too many details brother, please" 

"Ok well yeah we were making out-"

"Why'd you kiss him"

“Why’d you think it was me who kissed him? Coulda been him."

"Sorry brother, but I'm pretty sure General Mustang would go blind again rather than make the first move on you. N-not that there's anything wrong with you, I'm sure he likes you very much, but you know how wrong things could go if you didn't fully reciprocate his feelings."

"Hmfp, I guess. I kissed him cause he was talking stupid shit and he needed to shut up"

"And then what? Were you and Mustang making out so vigorously that Havoc thought he was grappling with you through the window?"

"It sounds bad when you put it like that!" 

"I can't believe someone as paranoid as the General would forget to close the curtains"

"Well I didn't give him much room to move alright, didn't want him chickening out and running away or something. Like for someone who acts like he's gotta a lot of balls he's sure fucking terrified of anything that doesn't involve the military"

"Oh brother..."

"Look, basically we ended up on the floor and then Havoc just bashed in the door and started shouting about how he was gonna rescue Ro- The- Mustang..."

"Roy the Mustang?"

"The bastard, Roy the Bastard Mustang. It's his new title after all this shit is done. Anyways Havoc then threw a fucking Xingese tear gas canister at us and kicks me off Mustang, whispering at me to get the fuck out or some shit and begging for me not ta hit him later." 

"And the General's ripped clothes and bruises?"

"Do you really what those details Win!?”