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birds of prey and the not-so-fantabulous meddling of one harley quinn

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Harley was not dumb. Despite whatever jagoff of the week wanted to think, she wasn't. She had a motherfucking PhD! She was a fucking doctor ! She was smart and she picked up on things that no one else did! 

So okay, she was a little disappointed when she wasn't the one who figured out that Canary and Huntress had the awkward dorky hots for each other. 

But boy, she was proud of Cass for picking up her skills for investigation. (Okay maybe she got that from Montoya.)

"Helena has a crush on Dinah," she said in a singsong voice when she came back from her afternoon with the Birds. Renee had started a real no shit private investigating firm, and Cass was their "intern". It was a good cover for their vigilante activity and it brought in major bucks, cause there was never a shortage of scandal in Gotham.

"What?! Are you serious?!" Her favorite crossbow wielding madwoman and the best singer in Gotham?!

"I noticed that she got all clammy and quiet when Dinah came in," she said. "She was showing me how to load her crossbow and then she totally froze up." 

"I mean, she's a walking billboard for personal trauma," she said. "She freezes a lot."

"This was different !" Cass insisted. "I know what it looks like when someone has the hots for someone!" 

"Well then we gotta get them together," Harley declared, an idea lighting up her brain as she microwaved some takeout leftovers for them.

"How?"

"With a sleepover, of course!"

 

 

So, with the whole dedicated crime fighter gig, it was hard to schedule hangout time. That just meant they had to get creative. One urgent cell phone video and a very willing guinea pig by the name of Cassandra Cain was all it took to get the Birds to Harley's apartment. 

"Where's Cassandra?!" Helana demanded as she kicked the door in. 

"Your show of heroic big sister ass-kicking is so heartwarming," Harley said, sitting on the couch next to a decidedly unkidnapped Cass. "But she's fine." 

"What the fuck, Harley?" Dinah asked, coming in behind her two cohorts, looking beautiful as ever. "We thought she was in trouble!"

"Well, how else was I supposed to get all of ya here for our sleepover?" she asked, shrugging with an innocent expression. "You didn't respond to my e-vite!"

"Sleepover?" 

Bruce had finally roused himself from his nap, walking over to sniff the newcomers, wagging his tail and thumping down next to Montoya, who patted him distractedly. 

Dinah crossed her arms. "We have shit to do, Harley, we can't have a sleepover with a supervillain." 

"Aw, come on, I bribed everyone to stay in and not do crime tonight just to make sure you wouldn't get distracted. Cass wants to hang out with her favorite dorky do-gooders. Bruce too." And Harley herself, not that she'd admit it. They were some of her favorite people, despite their nauseatingly noble intentions and all that boring shit they liked to talk about. 

"It wouldn't hurt to have a night off," Renee said, always...well, sometimes a voice of reason in the group.

She and Cass cheered. "Margaritas and snacks and valuable Brucey time for Gotham's hardest working ladies!" Harley declared, using her foot to kick the coffee table out of the way as Cass unceremoniously dumped a load of blankets onto the living room floor and started arranging them into some kind of makeshift nest.

For the birds . Get it? 

Bruce stretched out in the middle and they all gathered around him, comfy clothes distributed as they settled in for a good old fashioned sleepover.

"So how's work? How's cleaning up the mean streets?" Harley asked, passing the can of cheez-whiz to Dinah.

"Dinah kicked someone in the dick for calling me the crossbow killer," Helena offered after a pause, sipping her drink. "That was nice." She started blushing, realizing that maybe that hadn't really answered Harley's question. "But I mean. The crime is. Well. Good?" 

Renee laughed over the rim of her margarita. "Business is booming," she agreed, and she exchanged a look with Cass that definitely said 'these two useless lesbians need to fuck already'. Or at least, that's what Harley took from it. 

Maybe she was reading into things.

Three drinks and a million bajillion belly rubs (for Bruce, not for Harley, tragically) later, Harley stood up to refill the cookie tray and shouted. "Truth or dare!" 

It was exceptionally obvious to her that Helena was absolutely infatuated with their favorite singer. What wasn't obvious was how Dinah felt in return, and to a slightly tipsy Harley, a game of truth or dare seemed like the best way to get the truth out. Duh.

"Harley, we're not thirteen," Renee protested.

"I am," Cass pointed out with a mouth full of twizzlers. 

"It's just for fun Montoya, lighten up!" she said, draping herself into the ex-cop's lap and wrapping her arms around her. "How else are we gonna get those two to finally bone?" she whisper-slurred into her ears, and Renee was finally in on the plan.

See? Harley was a genius!

"I'll go first! Canary! Truth or dare!" she said. 

"Truth," Dinah replied, raising an eyebrow.

Dangit. She couldn't just blow out of the gate with the intention, it would ruin the whole game. What if Dinah didn't even like Helena? How could she not? Helena was so hot and cool! Dinah should consider herself lucky that Helena liked her --

She was getting distracted. She needed to focus. 

"So, uh," she had to think fast! "Roman and Zsasz -- were they…" She made a circle with one hand and poked a finger through it, raising her eyebrows suggestively. She had never gotten the chance to ask Romy about that before they blew him up, which was a shame, but maybe for the best. 

"Oh, yeah. Definitely . It was…" Dinah paused. " Weird . Late nights at the club were traumatic."

"I don't get it," Helena said, furrowing her eyebrows. "What does this mean?" She mimed Harley's gesture with her typical stern, stoic face, which just made it a million times funnier. 

Harley was laughing too hard to explain it, lying on the ground holding her stomach. 

"Fucking," Renee said bluntly. "You know what that is, right, kid?" 

Helena turned red. "Oh, I get it. Penetration." After a belated moment, she giggled, and Harley's laughter subsided, her eyes trained on Dinah's reaction to that moment of unrelenting adorableness.

Canary smiled, diverting her gaze for a moment, all dimples and preciousness.

She thought Helena was cute ! It was written all over her face! This plan was totally working!

"Your turn, Canary," she said. 

"Cass, truth or dare." 

"Dare, duh," she said. Good girl, remembering Harley's lessons; always choose dare! 

"I dare you to go get me another drink," Dinah said, passing over the glass.

"Hey, that's not how the game works!"

"Yeah, well you're thirteen and it's almost midnight, you're lucky I didn't dare your ass to go to bed," Dinah said in the sternest voice she could muster.

Cassandra slouched off to the kitchen to fulfill her dare, coming back with the drink. Basic bartending had been Lesson #56 in Harley's big book of lessons, and she had not taken to it very well. Dinah's wrinkled nose agreed, but she drank it politely.

"Helena, truth or dare." 

"Uh." Helena seemed to be considering her options very carefully. She had probably never even played truth or dare before, given her fucked up murder childhood, so maybe they should have stopped to explain the rules. "T...truuuuuth?" she asked. She had probably seen it in movies, at least, right? She liked watching TV, that much Harley knew.

"Have you ever had a boyfriend?" Cass blurted out. " -- Or girlfriend?" God, she was coming out too strong! They were gonna mess up Harley's whole plan! Fuck. She should have thought this through. Cass had a bigger mouth than Harley did, and she hadn't accounted for that in all of her calculating. 

Helena's bright red face answered the question, but she tried to sound cool and carefree instead. "No. It's not... I don't have time for things like that. I had a mission of revenge to do. And now I have crime." 

"You have crime?" Renee asked, skeptically. 

She did not respond.

"Since you went last, it's your turn, Helena," Dinah said gently. "That's how it works." 

"Renee, truth or dare?" Helena said, clearly repeating what she'd heard the others saying without any real knowledge of the mechanics behind it. 

"Fuck. Dare. Anything to get you idiots to stop talking," she said, sipping her beer. 

Helena, once again, took far too long to work out what to say, going over the calculations in her robot brain like a bajillion times. "I dare you to … kiss...Bruce?" she asked. 

Brucey looked up when he heard his name, and Renee happily planted a little kiss on the top of his precious furry head, and he scooched over so he could drape his head in her lap. She scratched his ears. "Dinah, truth or dare?"

"Hey, I haven't gotten a turn yet!" Harley pouted. 

"Yeah but you're getting distracted from your own game," she said in an accusatory voice, and it was true that Harley had been maybe a tiny bit more focused on her guacamole than on her master plan of getting Helena and Dinah together. But she wanted a dare !

"God, I'm not gonna even think about what weird shit you'd try and make me do. I'm sticking to truth." She took a confident swallow of the last of her drink and straightened up, waiting for Renee to hit her with her question. 

"So, you got the hots for Helena?" 

Dinah choked and Helena swore, both of them flushing. Harley cackled. 

"Really? I just...I don't think we should talk about this like this --" Dinah stuttered, her usual cool, composed air shattered. 

"You've been dancing around it for weeks!" Renee pointed out. 

Helena got up suddenly, and escaped out of the window. 

"Hey!" Harley yelped in protest. 

Dinah buried her face in her hands, and Renee tried to stand up, but stumbled. "I didn't expect that reaction," she muttered. "I'll go --" She stumbled again, and made the intelligent decision to sit down before she fell and hurt herself, propping herself up against Bruce's back as he groaned from being disturbed.

Climbing out of the window onto the fire escape, Harley climbed the ladder up to the roof where she found Helena, sitting with her knees to her chest.

"You okay, lady?" she asked, swaying a little once she sat down. She was a little tipsier than she thought! 

"That was embarrassing," Helena said, in her stiff voice. 

"Because of your stunted emotional maturity?" Harley asked.

"Don't psychoanalyze me," she grumped, her head lolling against the cement barrier on the roof. "I just -- Dinah's so perfect and beautiful and I'm such a mess and I don't think…" 

"You're a catch, Huntress! A complete rockstar babe! Don't let your deeply held trauma convince you that you're not the coolest and sexiest." She patted the agonized woman on the arm. "Dinah'd be lucky to have you. But if you're not ready for that, she's a good dame. I bet they're already asleep now that we're gone, why don't we go polish off that tequila and pass out?" 

Helena, her face not as red and her posture a tiny bit less guarded, nodded. They climbed back to Harley's apartment, and true to her prediction, Dinah, Cass, Renee, and Bruce were all passed out in a pile on the living room floor.

"That means you get the bed, sugar!" Harley said, dramatically flopping down on the couch and immediately passing out. So maybe her initial plan to get Dinah and Helena together didn't really work, but she had a billion other plans. She just needed an egg sandwich and a coffee and she'd be ready to make those two bone.