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i'm fighting for you (but you aren't)

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“I’ll fight for you. Just you.”


Alice remembers this now, as she lays in bed looking at the ceiling. Remembering what Nat said to her a few months ago on her final show of the season, in front of Roxanne Gay. She was going to fight for Alice and just Alice. And Alice did this. Fuck, she thought.


An arm swung over her and a warm face tucked itself into her neck and she continued thinking of Nat. How sad Nat will be, how betrayed, how heartbroken. Again. Sure, Alice could say she regrets it, she does, but she has this feeling inside of her that always knew this could happen if she let it. And she did.


“Hi,” a voice spoke up, muffled slightly by the press of lips against Alice’s neck. “What are you thinking about?”


“Nat.” That was Alice’s short and simple reply that had the other person stiffening and pulling away to lie on their back, also. Alice turned her head and caught Gigi’s eye, both of them feeling the same sadness and guilt that they created.


“Fuck, Nat.” Gigi whispered, throwing her arm over her face and looking like she’d just trampled a puppy. Which she pretty much had, again. “She’s never going to forgive me, us.  Shit.”


Alice pulls herself up and starts to dress, making sure she finds everything of hers and whatever of Gigi’s ends up thrown behind her towards Gigi. A not so subtle hint for her to also get dressed before Nat came home and found them. This will be bad enough without Nat walking in on them. “We have to tell Nat tonight, when she comes home. We can’t hide this from her, I can’t hide this from her.” Alice is standing now, facing Gigi and hoping that Gigi won’t run from this, that they will face Nat together, apart but together.


“Yeah, yeah we should. She doesn’t deserve this, to find out later on either.” Gigi nodded afterwards, finishing getting dressed and they both walked out of the bedroom and back down to the dining area to sit and wait. Nat would be back soon, it was getting late and her last session was long over, the LA traffic being the only reason Nat hadn’t returned sooner. Thankfully, in Alice’s opinion.


A while later, they watched Nat walk past the windows, heard her open and close the front door. “Hey guys, Gigi. What are you doing here?” Nat is smiling, even after all they went through Nat still smiles at Gigi.


“Uh, Nat,” Alice clears her throat, Gigi looks down at the table to avoid Nat’s eyes. Not this same conversation again after nearly three years. “Come sit down, have some tea.” Nat look at them with fear, any number of things could be happening.


“Are the kids okay?” Alice and Gigi both snap to Nat at that point, Gigi rushing to answer before Alice could.


“Yes, of course. Nothing is wrong with them.” Her voice is strained but reassuring to Nat. Gigi wouldn’t lie about the kids, Nat knows that.


“Okay, then what is wrong?” Nat asks. “Because something obviously is.”


Alice decides that she should be the one to tell Nat in that moment, not just because Gigi looks like she physically cannot open her mouth and say it. “We, uh,” Alice pauses. “We slept together. Today. WE didn’t mean to, it just happened, and we immediately regretted it and knew we had to tell you and I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry.” Nat’s face went slack, emotions rushing over her.


She stands up and walks to the kitchen, placing her cup in the sink before turning back to the table. “What the fuck?” She finally breathes out. “What the actual fuck?” She’s getting angrier, something both Alice and Gigi knew she would do but hoped against, nonetheless.


“You two fucked and what? You expect me to be okay? Alice you fucking cheated on me with my ex fucking wife.” Nat begins to tear up, her voice wavering. “And Gigi. You know I love Alice; you know that. You fucking asshole. How could you?”


“I’m sorry Nat, Alice is right, we didn’t mean to it just happened. Like me and you before, it just happened.” Gigi pleads with Nat, standing up from the table as well.


“No, don’t fucking bring that up. We invited you back into this family, we got caught up in a moment and we had sex because we didn’t know what Alice was and wasn’t okay with but as soon as I knew she wasn’t okay with that, I left you because I wanted her. I only wanted her. But you came in and you fucked it over because that’s what you do.” Nat was crying now, tears streaming and voice raising. “You can’t fucking help yourself. You come into my life again and again and just fuck it all up. You get everything, no matter what. You cheat on me, I let you back in. I leave you to be happy, you fuck my girlfriend. What next? What do you want from me?”


Alice moved from the table towards the kitchen, “Nat, it’s not all on Gigi. We’re sorry, I wish I could go back and stop it from happening, I do. I really fucking do.” She is practically pleading with Nat.


“Oh, fuck you, Alice. You got so shitty when I fucked Gigi when we were in a relationship with her and then turn around and do this? When you made sure that I was fighting for you and just you? You wanted me, you said that. We were making a life for ourselves for two fucking years and now this?”


Nat turns away, resting her hands on the edge of the sink. “I want you both to leave. Now, please. Don’t call me, don’t come back. Just go. I’ll call you when I’m ready to see you. I’ll figure out what to do with the kids, they’ll be fine. I can’t see you both right now.”


“Nat, please.” Alice’s voice begs from behind Nat.


“Alice, do me one thing right now, respect my wishes. Leave.” Nat gives them a while, stays in the kitchen and faces away from the doorways. Let’s Alice get some stuff together and hears Gigi already leave. Steps come down the hallway and she can hear them stop just before the kitchen entry.


“I’m so sorry Nat, I really am. I love you and I wish I could change this. I’m so sorry.” Alice’s steps begin again and Nat doesn’t move until she hears the latch click on the door.