“Turn on the fucking car!” Johnny shouted as he leapt from the open doors of the 7-Eleven.
“What?” Will said, pulling himself up from where he had been slouching over to examine his Ziploc baggie of weed to squint out of the window at Johnny.
“The car!” Johnny repeated as he wildly flung the door of Will’s beater wide open and launched himself into the passenger seat. “Floor it, Will, fuck!”
“You had one job, Jesus,” Will said. “All I wanted was a taquito. One taquito, Jesus. Would it kill you to listen to a single word that comes out of anybody’s mouth but yours?”
Johnny turned to face Will. “Drive,” he said. “Drive, you stupid motherfucker.”
“What’d you do?” Will asked.
A very angry and soaking wet man burst out of the building doors and paused briefly before locking eyes with Johnny and stomping towards Will’s car.
Will froze for a moment before flooring it out of the 7-Eleven parking lot. Johnny slumped over in the passenger seat, half panting and half laughing.
“What did you do?” Will repeated frantically.
Johnny caught his breath but kept giggling as he looked in the rearview mirror at the building now behind them. “That dumb fuck,” he said. “Oh my God. What an asshole. I lined up for the cashier and dude was all ‘you cut me off’ and I was all ‘no I didn’t, you fat fuck, I was here first’. And he tried to swing and I ducked and then I dumped our Slurpees on his fucking head.”
Will made intense eye contact with the red traffic light that had stopped them. “Somebody is going to put a fucking hit on you one day,” he said. He looked over at Johnny, who was grinning maniacally. “You are such a little shit. Like, I know you know it, but you are really such a little shit.”
Johnny snickered. “You like it.”
“I do not,” Will lied. “And,” he added, “now we’re gonna starve because you didn’t buy shit because you were too busy assaulting some guy in the only 7-Eleven we have. Dude, we’re never gonna be able to step foot in there again. Not only do I not get a taquito now but I don’t get one forever because you’re gonna get fucking arrested the next time you go there.”
“That ain’t true at all,” Johnny said. “You’re so neurotic.”
“I am not neurotic,” Will protested. “You just get yourself into so much trouble. You’re gonna get yourself killed one day.”
“Okay Mr. Last-Time-We-Were-Drunk-You-Decided-To-Roll-Yourself-In-A-Shopping-Cart-Down-The-Steep-Fucking-Hill.”
Will kept one hand on the steering wheel and used the other to shove Johnny in the face. “That’s different,” he said. “If I kill myself doing dumb drunk shit, that’s on me. But you get other people involved! You actually start fights. Totally different.”
“You just don’t start fights ‘cause you’re a pussy,” Johnny said as he smacked Will’s hand away. “You know you’re such a tall-n-skinny fucker you’d get snapped like a stick. Tree ass bitch.”
“Says you,” Will said. “You’re so fucking short if you ever get in a fight where you don’t run away or Tunny doesn’t save your ass you’d get squashed in a second.”
“I’ve won every fight I’ve started,” Johnny said.
The car fell silent as Will turned onto his parents’ street.
“Even if that was true,” Johnny piped up, “Tunny could go buy us shit.”
“No, no, listen,” Johnny said, “Think about it. You and me, sitting in your basement, chillin’. We get to play video games and hang out, crack hella beers, smoke weed, have fun. Tunny is our fuckin’ slave and we get to order him to go out and buy us snacks and beer. He has to listen to us ‘cause otherwise he’d starve. And you know if all of us ran out of beer and he was the only person who could get more he’d have to go. Biologically. Or he’d fuckin’ die.”
“I wish your mom didn’t drop you when you were a baby,” Will said.
“Me too,” Johnny said. He pulled out his phone. “I’m tellin’ Tunny what’s up. He’s gonna have to bring us snacks now. C’mon, we got time to hang out before he gets here.”
“I think he’s hanging out with his girlfriend,” Will said.
“Bro code, dude,” Johnny said. “He’s gotta make time for us. We are the most important people in his life. Amanda or whatever the fuck her name is should shut the fuck up and stop complainin’.”
“Tunny’s never gonna listen to you if he finds out you talk about his girlfriends like that.” Will rolled his eyes. “He actually kinda cares about them, you know.”
“Maybe he should stop breaking up with them, then.”
Will watched Johnny as he lit a cigarette and rolled down the car window. “Whatever, man. I don’t wanna think about you guys having girlfriends.”
“Okay, gayshit,” Johnny said. The boys sat in silence in Will’s parents’ driveway for a few minutes as Johnny texted back and forth with Tunny and Will alternated between looking at him and looking out the window. In the basement, the boys settled into the broken box springs of the couch. They had a six-pack of beer and Will’s Ziploc baggie of weed to sustain them until Tunny agreed to successfully pull off a 7-Eleven run without committing assault in the process.
Will rolled a joint as Johnny sprawled himself across the couch with his head in Will’s lap. The joint was finished and Will had managed to die twice in Portal by the time Tunny opened the basement door.
“Snacks?” Johnny croaked as he lifted his head, his bedhead hair covering his face.
“Worship me,” Tunny said as he swung the 7-Eleven bags over the back of the couch onto the cushions. “You’d both die without me. You’d’ve died like, ten years ago.”
Johnny stuffed a handful of salt and vinegar chips in his mouth as Will dumped the contents of the bags onto the coffee table and Tunny plunked himself into the couch cushions. “Thanks, Tunny,” Will said. “Jesus is a fucking idiot and got himself banned from 7-Eleven permanently.”
“I’m not doing this shit for you two every day,” Tunny said and then smacked Johnny upside the head. “You’re fixing your shit yourself this time.”
“Shut up,” Johnny moaned, hitting Tunny back. “Y’all are overreacting. Nobody’s gonna come for me and nobody gives a shit. This is Jingletown. This whole town is a free-for-all.”
“Not like we’re gonna pass on the opportunity to dunk on you,” Tunny said, smacking Johnny with a pillow and ignoring his indignant screech. “Shithead.”
Will smothered Johnny with the pillow as Johnny screeched and kicked underneath him. “I’m stuck babysitting you fuckheads forever,” Tunny continued. “Never gonna be able to keep a girl because of you. Never gonna have a life.”
“Hey,” Johnny said when Will loosened up on him for air, “at least we’ll be livin’ somewhere hella worth it.”
“While you’re out following your dreams I’ll still be wiping your asses,” Tunny said.
“Next time you’re down there, why dontcha eat it instead?”
Will tossed Tunny a beer to prevent him from wailing on Johnny and all three of the boys settled back down onto the couch. “Let’s smash,” Will said as he grabbed controllers and handed them to the boys, who were still trying to subtly elbow each other in the ribs while Will set up Super Smash Bros. “Whoever wins gets eternal bragging rights and none of us can fight IRL as a rematch because I don’t want my mom coming home and hearing us suplexing the shit out of each other.”
Johnny snorted. “As if that’s gonna stop us.”
“Yeah,” Tunny said. “I’ll just beat on Johnny quietly.”
“Johnny has never been quiet in his life,” Will said. “His inability to restrain himself is why we’re all here with your 7-Eleven haul in the first place.”
“Maybe if Johnny thanks me for that, I’ll consider not beating him up,” Tunny said.
“Thanks, mom,” Johnny said.
“Shut the fuck up,” Tunny muttered as Johnny leaned over to kiss his cheek and Will shushed the both of them for interrupting the character selection menu music.