Tevos' hand hesitated at Shepard's fly. "You have to understand, Shepard, I can't enter into a relationship with you without knowing more."
Shepard had just known there was going to be a catch. Nothing was ever simple with Tevos. She was all of the sexy accountants there ever were, rolled into one massive pair of nerd-frame spectacles. "OK. What do you want to know?"
Tevos held Shepard lightly to her. "You misunderstand. Do you know how old I am, Shepard?"
Shepard bit back her impatience. That hand needed to get closer soon or she was going to pop. "I know your people live for a long time. It doesn't matter to me."
Tevos was anything but rushed. "I am five hundred and thirty seven of your earth years old."
"OK," said Shepard, grinding her teeth a little. "Why is this important?"
Tevos took off her metaphorical specs and pontificated like a paid-by-the-word prof. "It is important because from my perspective, it is simply impossible to know someone so young. Your experience is so limited. Shepard, there are asari whose orgasms have lasted longer than your entire life."
Shepard blinked at that. She paused on her way up Tevos' neck. "Are you shitting me?"
"I am not. Although... they are strange. In any case, how are we supposed to do this?" Tevos placed her hands lightly on Shepard's shoulders and pressed down. "That is why I had to have sex with your mother."
Shepard laughed. "Now I know you're shitting me." She pushed Tevos back against the wall, pressing her case.
"Believe me Shepard, it was only because I had to." Tevos parted her legs to allow Shepard's hand access to her underskirts. "I think you will find, however, that she was quite satisfied with the encounter."
"Please do not stop what you are doing, by the way. Or I will make you start over. In any case, meeting and bringing your mother to a peak of ecstatic delight gave me valuable insight into your character. Do you know the face that you make? When I do this to you? Yes, just like that. That comes from..."
"Stop. No. Can't hear this." Shepard wasn't sure how they'd gone from the wall to the bed but she suddenly found herself at a disadvantage.
"Well. It helped me, but I still had questions. What are sixty years, to an asari, after all? So I sought out your grandmother."
Tevos pushed Shepard's knees apart. "No, the other one."
Shepard curled up off the bed, abs rippling. "Aww, Gramma Pootle's in a wheelchair, you sick fuck..."
Tevos pushed Shepard back down using her free hand. "I assure you, she was quite willing, Shepard. Perhaps now is not the time for a digression on the disgraceful way your species ignores the sexual needs of the infirm, but..."
"Oh, come on!"
"In any case, I am beginning to construct a quite useful model of your personality." Tevos grinned, and twisted her hand. Shepard's eyes crossed. "Quite useful."
There was a busy silence for a little while.
Shepard couldn't contain her curiosity, once her breathing was back under control. "You, ah, pay a visit to...?"
"Indeed," Tevos replied. "What is your expression? The flesh is weak, though the spirit is... excitable? Do not be concerned for your great-grandmother, I am capable of being gentle." Tevos took a moment to concentrate. "Aside from certain... outdated attitudes towards my kind, I was impressed by her spirit."
"I always had a soft spot for her," Shepard admitted.
"I found it," Tevos said drily. "And so in the interests of thoroughness, I went looking for Jane McNally."
"Why's that name familiar?"
Tevos pinched a nipple a little harder than necessary. "Quite disgraceful, you humans and your attention span. Jane McNally is... was your great-great-grandmother."
"I was in time for her funeral," Tevos admitted. "It was very... lively. Yes, lively is the word. Although I admit that my presence may have stirred up some feelings."
Shepard turned to look Tevos in the eye. "You sexed up a funeral party?"
Tevos tried to keep her expression perfectly neutral but couldn't quite control one twitching eyelid. "Would you like to see what I have learned from my investigations?" she asked.
If Shepard hadn't known her better, she wouldn't have detected the strain in Tevos' voice. "I would."
Tevos knelt in front of Shepard's splayed legs. "Prepare yourself."
Sixty seconds later, Shepard pushed Tevos' head away with both hands. "Stop!" she gasped. "Stop."
"Are you displeased?" Tevos asked.
Shepard looked down at her, eyes narrowing. "That innocent smile doesn't suit you, Councilor."
Tevos' mask finally fell away. "I nearly had you convinced, though, didn't I?"
"You would probably have gotten away with it if you stuck with your hands," Shepard admitted, "but you've never actually been with a human before, have you?"
Tevos was the definition of indignant. "I have purchased all the relevant texts: T'Perro on xenolingus, Altmaier on erotomania..."
Now it was Shepard's turn to put on her poker face. "Did you look at the pictures, though?"
"Well, I am rather old. Perhaps I should get my visual acuity checked?"
Shepard laughed. "Ass."
"Ass-ari," Tevos agreed with a smile and a shimmy.
Shepard took a double handful of what she wanted, and started the lesson in earnest.