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Go It Alone

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Olivia watched on as Carisi led Amanda towards the elevator. She wanted nothing more than to follow them, to make sure Amanda got home safely.

Olivia hadn’t slept since she discovered Amanda had been taken hostage by Bucci, nor did she feel like she could breathe. When Amanda had walked into the precinct with Bucci, she finally felt like she could breathe again.

There were questions she wanted answers to. Where did he take her? What did he do to her? Amanda said he didn’t touch her, but Olivia saw through that lie. Not knowing what happened made her anxious, but not knowing how Amanda was really feeling hurt even more. Amanda used the fire range as a cover story for her therapy sessions. Why didn’t she tell Olivia?

There would have been no judgement. Amanda knew Olivia had gone to a therapist herself, so why didn’t she feel comfortable admitting the same? Didn’t she trust her Captain? Or at least Fin? Carisi? Was there no one Amanda felt she could trust? And why was she going to therapy in the first place?

All of these questions needed to be answered at a later date. Olivia knew how important it was for Amanda to see her girls. She had gone through similar circumstances before and easily empathized, but it still didn’t put her at ease. Amanda had once told her she was “covered in armour” which was like the pot calling the kettle black.

Dumping her problems or concerns onto other people made Olivia feel as if she was burdening them. When she was a child, a part of her wanted to prove to herself that she could handle any situation she faced all by herself. She never had a mentor to look up to, her mother was distracted or drinking, and her father...

She learned the hard way just how detrimental it was for her to refuse help from others which is why she sought therapy in her adulthood. A different, non biased opinion was exactly what she needed to help guide her through troubling times. Therapy became her safe space and quite honestly something she began to look forward to.

Try as she might, Olivia had failed to relay the importance of therapy to Amanda, or so she had thought. The trauma therapist her detective had been seeing was the one she had recommended.

It clicked — trauma therapist. Trauma. Amanda must have discussed a past trauma with Dr. Hanover using their new interview technique, and it must have worked so well that Amanda or Dr. Hanover asked for another session.

Olivia briefly pondered as to what traumatic event Amanda had been asked to revisit. There had been so many in Amanda’s life. She was forced to watch her father abuse her mother, then forced to watch her mother repeat the pattern with with men, she took care of her mentally ill sister, was raped by her former Captain, and now she had kidnapping to add to the list. Amanda was apprehensive towards therapy before Bucci kidnapped her; Olivia hoped it didn’t deter her from continuing once she came back to work.

If not for herself, Olivia needed Amanda to continue therapy so she could be mentally, spiritually and emotionally healthy enough to care for her girls. And as her detective, her responsibility, Olivia had to know Amanda was going to be competent enough to do her job. Post-traumatic stress disorder was a living hell and it was going to be a challenge for Amanda, but there also wasn’t a chance in hell she’d be battling it alone.

Amanda might not have believed she could tell her squad about her therapist before, choosing to go it alone, Olivia would make damn sure her detective knew she never needed to feel that way again.