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All You Never Say

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You’ve been searching

Have you found many things?

Time for learning

Why have I not learnt a thing?

Rose Tyler did not believe in the word impossible.

 

She’d heard it before, heard it from aliens and one specific alien, but when they’d landed on an impossible planet she’d known the word was full of shit. That was the day she decided she didn’t believe in the word impossible, and made it a goal to never let it come true in a sentence pertaining to her.

 

The day on the beach--the worst day of her life--when he’d said it was impossible for her to see him again, she knew she had to prove him wrong, that is was a sign from the multiverse that she could do it. Not just for him, but for her, because Rose Tyler wasn’t the same without her hand clasped in the Doctor’s. And he should know better than to say anything was impossible after the things they’d both done.

Words with no meaning

Have kept me dreaming

But they don’t tell me anything

 

She got better.

 

Better at hiding her feelings, putting on the mask the Doctor used. She put the mask on  to hide her feelings when they bubbled up too much, or when something reminded her too much of her times with the Doctor. She learned to show everyone happy Rose Tyler when all she wanted to do was cry. Cry because she was stuck in a world she didn’t want to be in, because he wasn’t there, and because she didn’t know how the sentence was going to end.

 

She could guess, and she had a good one, but he never finished. How ironic that the Time Lord ran out of time. Time he knew he didn’t have. Time he’d had before the drastic events.

 

And no matter what, there was the niggling feeling in the back of her head that made her doubt. She hated it, but it wouldn’t go away. Doubt that he’d meant to drag it out because he wasn’t going to say those three words.

 

But just as quickly as the thought would slip into her mind it would be banished by a golden light and his smiles. The feel of his hand clasped in hers as they ran. How he’d helped her see her potential, helped her become who she was.

 

The person who gave her something to fight for.

And all you never say is that you love me so

All I’ll never know is if you want me oh

If only I could look into your mind

Maybe then I’d find a sign

Of all I want to hear you say to me

To me

Words haunted her.

 

Stuck in the lab trying to get the damn hoppers to work, she would listen to music.

 

A new band called The Bad Wolves; songs about lovers being torn apart by a force bigger than them; words left unsaid; friends who wanted more.

 

Mickey and Jake would try to get her to go out with them to pubs, but after the one misadventure, she refused.

 

Jake had been so confused when she’d run out after a John Smith had played a song called Lonely God, but Mickey had told him later.

 

People at Torchwood had thought she was completely mental with all the weird things that set her off. She refused to go into the coffee shop across the way because the blonde barista with a French accents name was Reinette. Mickey had to tell Jackie that she’d looked the same as Madame De Pompadour.

 

She hated guns and if she was on a mission she refused to carry one, which almost got her killed more than once.

 

The other scientists working on the hoppers had different rooms because they couldn’t work in a room with her for long periods of time. She would ramble and sing to strange music, refused to take her pictures down, and wouldn’t organize a thing. She knew where everything was in the chaos, it was more alive than a completely orderly room. It was organized to her and that was what mattered, she was the one working there.

 

But in the late hours she wished someone else were with her. One specific someone. Someone who would ramble on about things she had no clue about, but still managed to fascinate her.

 

She’d daydream about things that could have been different. What if she’d looked into his head like Madame De Pompadour? Seen all of him, the demons and the angels. Seen it all and gotten him to believe that he wasn’t the monster he thought he was, that he was a good man, brilliant, and had saved the universe more times than even he could count.

 

He wasn’t a hero in the definition books gave. He was a hero because he made the hard choices. He chose the universe over his own people. He was a hero because he lived with what he’d done, and that was braver than anything.

 

She’d wonder late at night what it would have been like if she’d known what he really felt. If any of it would be different. Would she still be with him, not trapped in the other bloody universe, or would she be exactly where she was, staring at the white ceiling wishing for the stars.

Are you uncertain?

Or just scared to drop your guard?

Have you been broken?

Are you afraid to show your heart?

When the jumps started, and she was forced to sleep off world alone, that she would wonder. Wonder why he hadn’t told her earlier, or just spit out the damn sentence. She’d wonder how he was doing, if he had a hand to hold. If he’d found someone else to love.

 

Half the time she wished he had so he wasn’t alone, but the other half she was a girl in love.

 

And sometimes, on dark nights when nothing went right, when the sky had no stars, and too many lives were lost, she would wonder if he ever really loved her. The second after she would throw the thought out of her head. He wouldn’t have burned up a sun to say goodbye if he didn’t, but her mind liked to torture her.

 

Her mind would come up with any and every reason he hadn’t told her. He was still too new out of the war; afraid that when she died, he would be left alone. He just couldn’t with a human. Time Lords don’t work that way.

Life can be unkind

But only sometimes

You’re giving up before you start

Life was hard.

 

People fall in and out of love; the world was a horrible and beautiful place.  To get what you wanted, you needed to fight.

 

And god dammit Rose Tyler was a fighter. She took in the heart of the Time Vortex, faced off Daleks and Werewolves and Slitheen and Cyberman.  She came back from a parallel world when she was “put there for her safety” and fell back saving the world.

 

And so she was determined. To show the world she could, to get back, to be with the Doctor, to run, to be the best her she could be.

 

After the beach Jackie had wanted her to try living a normal life. Or as normal as you can working for Torchwood. But Rose had started the Dimension Canon. After she found out about the changes thanks to Bad Wolf, she threw herself into her work.

And all you never say is that you love me so

All I’ll never know is if you want me oh

If only I could look into your mind

Maybe then I’d find a sign

Of all I want to hear you say to me

To me

She saved worlds, helped the people no one listened to because she knew what it was like to feel unimportant, unheard.

 

When she met Donna Noble in the world that was wrong, she felt a connection to her. They’d both felt unimportant and had met the Doctor who flipped their worlds upside down.

 

That world was one of the worst Rose had been to. Hell she called it. And it was. The Doctor was dead, that universes version of her team were dead, Jack on Sontar, Sarah Jane dead, and the TARDIS dying. It was horrible.

 

But it was worth it. When she saw him turn to her on the empty street, the smile the slipped onto his face, how his eyes brightened.

 

Everything was worth it.

 

The Doctor’s worth the demons, thought Rose as she ran.

And all you never say is that you love me so

All I’ll never know is if you want me oh

If only I could look into your mind

Maybe then I’d find a sign

Of all I want to hear you say to me

To me