I've been longing for,
Daisies to push through the floor
Chaeyoung blows out the smoke from her cigarette, she wasnt really fond of parties sure she'll get high here and there but she was never a fan of crowds.
Not like she'll feel any of them around her anyway.
So, now here she was at the balcony away from all the sweaty and dancing teenagers.
She isn't fond of it but gets invited to anyway, a classmate of hers hosts one every month and people invites her to one everytime.
She didn't know why but she didn't care to find out either.
She was just glad she gets to get out of the house at least.
She goes to every each one of them, sometimes waking up with a terrible hangover in the couch or waking up naked in a random girl's bed either way she isnt able to feel the pain in her head.
She's too numb for that.
But getting high sure does get her somewhere, even for a short while shes able to feel.
and she wonders how people normally feels.
She wishes to feel too.
Bats flowed like traffic as they poured from the attic,
Heaven knows, i could really use a friend
It's been quite a while she's been with someone.
Whether its a friend or a lover it doesnt really lasts.
She understands though
'who would want to be with someone that doesnt have the ability to even feel let alone understand what it means to feel'
Chaeyoung chuckles at the thought of remembering her last break up .
"Hey Chaeng, want some? " a random students says as he enters the balcony and shows Chaeyoung a tray of brownies "Dont mind if I do" the student leaves and Chaeyoung steps on her cigar.
Chaeyoung eats the edibles and sits down for a while.
Chaeyoung feels it kicking in.
'Finally' Chaeyoung chuckles once again and wonders if things would've been different if she could feel.
'Maybe, my girlfriend wouldn't have left me'
'Maybe, I'd have friends'
'Maybe, my family wouldn't resent me'
'Maybe, I wouldn't feel so neglected'
'Maybe, I wouldn't be alone'
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest,
The trees keep the tempo and they sway in time
Chaeyoung was drifting off to dreamland, until someone clumsily enters the balcony.
"shit" Chaeyoung hears a girl say "who's there? " Chaeyoung asks as she lazily turns her head.
Chaeyoung sees a silhouette of a girl, it was dark, Chaeyoung didnt bother to find out who it was though she quickly turn away from the girl.
Chaeyoung hears silence and maybe the girl left, she sinks further to her seat.
"i-im a bit lost" Chaeyoung jumps from the voice but listens anyway "could you tell me where the bathroom is? " Chaeyoung sighs.
"go outside then turn left and walk straight until you see the last door on your right, thats the bathroom" Chaeyoung says and gestures the girl to leave "t-thank you" the girl leaves not before crashing into one of the transparent glass.
"ouch" Chaeyoung chuckles "be careful or it isnt just glass you'll be walking into" Chaeyoung hears the girl's laugh until it slowly fades away.
Chaeyoung sighs as the edibles starts losing effect 'was it always this fast?'
Sure, the brownies help Chaeyoung feel but it doesn't really last more than an hour.
She wishes to feel a bit more.
She wishes to feel longer.
She wishes she could feel forever.
Your spirit is sweet, so pull off your sheet,
And give me a ghost of a smile
Chaeyoung goes inside and towards the kitchen, she opens the refrigirator and grabs a bottle.
Chaeyoung opens the bottle of beer 'who'd reject free beer?' Chaeyoung chuckles on her silly thoughts.
Chaeyoung wonders how she learned to laugh or chuckle while actually feeling no sort of emotion inside.
She doesnt remember and doesnt let the thought ponder on her mind for too long.
Chaeyoung also wonders how she is like when she's drunk 'do i actually get drunk? '.
Chaeyoung also realizes she doesnt actually talk to anyone when she wakes up nor does she have anyone to talk to at all.
One night stands here and there but Chaeyoung would rather wake up at dawn and sneak away than actually talk to them.
Chaeyoung shivers at the thought of even communicating after their shared night.
Chaeyoung chugs on her drink and takes in the sight in front of her.
Sweaty bodies grinding on each other in the living room, couples making out in the corners and drinkers puking their guts out on the bathroom 'i'll be like that soon enough'.
Chaeyoung finishes off her drink until someone bumps on her back making her drop her bottle and shatter it to pieces.
Not that Chaeyoung felt it but her body moved forward with the collision.
"oh my god, i-im so sorry- I-" Chaeyoung turns her head and sees a girl taller than her "dont say you didnt see me or my height-conscious self will cry" the latter laughs.
"this feels familiar" the girl starts "are you the girl at the balcony? "
"depends on who's asking? " Chaeyoung quirks an eyebrow as she try to recall if she met this girl before.
'who am I kidding im bad at remembering names and faces'
"oh! I was that girl who asked for directions earlier!" the girl grins and Chaeyoung hums "well, i did tell you to be careful didnt i? " Chaeyoung grins and the taller girl chuckles.
"well, nice running into you lady" Chaeyoung says, walking back towards the balcony "whats your name? " the girl grabs onto Chaeyoung's sleeve and asks with a smile.
Chaeyoung looks at the girl's eyes and saw no malice from the question, Chaeyoung smiles back.
Quartet of crickets chime in for the chorus,
If I were to pluck on your heartstrings, would you strum on mine?
Chaeyoung walks back to the balcony but cant help but hear footsteps behind her.
She stops in front of the sliding door towards the balcony and turns around just to see the girl she interacted with earlier.
"why are you following me? " Chaeyoung asks and eyes the girl suspiciously and slightly regrets telling her name to the latter.
"no im not, im just going to the balcony" the girl innocently smiles.
Chaeyoung rolls her eyes and continues walking towards the balcony.
Chaeyoung leans on the fence, lights a cigar and puts it between her teeth.
Chaeyoung glances at the other girl and sees her covering her nose while sitting down.
"get out of here if you cant stand the smoke" Chaeyoung says as she puffs out smoke from her mouth.
"no, its fine" Chaeyoung looks at her disapprovingly and rolls her eyes once more "whatever"
"so...you like parties? " the girl asks "No" Chaeyoung replies without hesitation.
"really? i see you on every party though" Chaeyoung glances at the girl for a second then looks away "have you seen me within crowds then? " "no... "
"i dont really like parties, either" the girl shares "but my friends keeps on inviting me on one, i never drink though, i just talk with a few people then leave later on" Chaeyoung hums and curious as to why the girl is telling her this but shrugs the thought off.
"is it your first time attending to a party here then? " Chaeyoung sees the girl slightly smile "yeah, glad i found you though, everybody else was drunk or high and kept directing me to different rooms" Chaeyoung sees the girl shiver and she didnt know why she felt the need to take off her leather jacket and put it on top of her "thank you" the girl shyly says.
"i was actually high when you talked to me though" the girl looks in disbelief and Chaeyoung laughs at her reaction "no way, you talked straight to me though" Chaeyoung grins"i guess you found out one of my talents" the girl laughs her heart out.
"youre unbelievable " the girl widely smiles "so I've been told"
'she has a pretty smile for a nosy girl' Chaeyoung thinks as she looks at the latter.
Both of them spent the night talking about nothing and everything and maybe it made Chaeyoung feel, even for a short time.
They've been talking non-stop for 3 hours.
They both lost track of time not until the taller girl's phone chimed "oh its my friend, i'll be right back" Chaeyoung hums and sees the girl leave the balcony.
Chaeyoung looks down on her watch.
Chaeyoung doesn't remember the last time she talked with someone for this long.
Maybe, it'll actually help her feel.
Chaeyoung finally feels when the girl doesnt come back.
'Cause I'm sick of waiting for,
All the spider webs to grow all around me,
'Cause I dont feel dead anymore
And I'm not afraid anymore
For the first time, Chaeyoung tries.
Chaeyoung looks for the girl she met.
Chaeyoung looks for the girl everywhere around town.
She also kind of figured out its hard to look for a face that has no name on it.
Chaeyoung sighs but doesnt want to give up.
"Hey, Chaeng" a classmate of hers starts "we're throwing a party at my house tonight, care to join? "
"I'll be there" her classmate leaves then she remembers the girl's statement
'really? i see you on every party though' and maybe Chaeyoung hopes.
Chaeyoung hopes she'll see the girl in this party.
For the second time, Chaeyoung tries.
Chaeyoung looks for the girl in the living room, between the people dancing and interacting.
Chaeyoungs looks for her at the kitchen, at every possible corner and even in front of the bathrooms.
Chaeyoung sighs 'maybe the universe doesnt want me to meet her again'
Chaeyoung walks inside the balcony and is suprised someone leaning on the fence.
'now, even my spot is taken' Chaeyoung thinks as she steps back.
She was about to walk out until she heard a voice call for her.
Chaeyoung spuns her head quickly that she thinks she heard her neck crack.
"sorry i left without saying goodbye before" the girl says walking closer towards Chaeyoung.
"you must've felt confused, m-my friend dragged me away when she found me" the girl continues whilst stopping in front of Chaeyoung.
"i-i really enjoyed our time together and i thought we could do it again sometimes" the girl shyly asks.
Chaeyoung feels her breath hitched.
"i-its okay if you dont want though, i just thought—" the girl rambles and Chaeyoung stops her with a hug.
"yeah, i'd love that" Chaeyoung feels the girl relax into the hug.
They both pull away from the hug and the girl shoots her a toothy grin "and i thought the feeling was one sided" the girl laughs and Chaeyoung rubs the back of her neck.
For the third time, Chaeyoung tries.
"care to tell me your name? " Chaeyoung asks while looking directly at the latter's eyes.
The girl smiles "Sana"
Chaeyoung figured she'll always keep trying with Sana around.