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What Happens on SpaceLab, STAYS on SpaceLab

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It started out just like any other space-day. Inside his personal space-cruiser, the S.S. Bunnyman, Will was putting his feet up, watching his space-TV, which was picking up signals from a nearby planet. He couldn’t understand the language, but those green-skinned girls with the four breasts sure were pretty. His space-phone started ringing and he reluctantly answered it, turning the TV off. “Hello?”

“Hallo,” said the slightly robotic-sounding, German-accented voice on the other end. “You’re the mechanic, Herr Sergeant, aren’t you?”

“Why yes I am. Can I ask who I’m speaking to?”

“My name is Ralf, captain of the KW SpaceLab. We are experiencing issues with one of our robot servants here, he’s too... emotional...” Will could hear the sneer in his voice as he said that word.

“I see. Well, maybe I can come over and diagnose him and-”

“Look, I just need you to reprogram him IMMEDIATELY! I promise we will pay you handsomely.”

Geez, was the problem that bad? Some extra cash would be nice though, Will thought. “Alright, I’m on the way.”

“Danke. I will be waiting for you.”

He heard the phone click and sighed. He was hoping he wouldn't have any work today, but a job’s a job…

 

Will docked his ship at the SpaceLab loading port. As he stepped out onto the bridge, he was greeted by two androids, clean cut and wearing red dress shirts with black ties and pants.

“Ah, you’re here. Excellent,” said one of the androids. Will recognized that voice as the one on the phone. Ralph? Something like that. “I’m Ralf, the one who called you. And this is my partner, Florian.”

“Hallo.” Florian bowed

“Uh, yeah, hello,” Will said, feeling awkward by the formality and uniformity of the androids. He followed them down into a long hall, large windows lining the walls, offering great views of the Milky Way. “So, what’s the problem exactly?”

“Well, one of our robots is uhhhh... Let’s just say he's not acting as he's supposed to,” Florian said.

“He’s been sitting around, moping and writing poetry, and other silly things like that!” Ralf said.

“Ralfie, don't be so harsh.”

“I'll be as harsh as I need to be, Flori!”

Will rubbed his temples, growing increasingly tired of these two Krauts bickering at each other like a married couple. “Where is this defective robot at, anyways?” He said.

Ralf stopped at a large, steel door, and pressed a button which opened the door and revealed another corridor, dark and slightly depressing looking. “We keep him down there.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll go fix him up as best I can. You guys can go do your own thing, I’m sure you’re both very busy,” Will said as he started going down the passageway. Ralf and Florian watched him go before turning around and heading back down the way they came.

“Hopefully this works,” Ralf said. “I’m at my wits end…”

Thank god, they’re finally gone, Will thought. Now to find out what was wrong with this robot. It didn’t take long to find him, sitting with his back to the wall. He definitely looked different from the rest, with a big mop of hair sitting on his head and the large black overcoat he was dressed in instead of the red uniform. No wonder Ralf was mad, this was such a blatant display of non-conformity, which, on the SpaceLab, was highly discouraged if not outright forbidden.

Will inched closer to the robot, trying not to startle it. “Uh, guten Tag?”

“I can speak English just fine,” the android said in a Liverpoolian accent, just like his own. The voice felt warmer and somehow more human than the others.

“Oh sorry for assuming…”

“It’s alright, mate.” The robot looked up at him, but if Will didn't know better, he’d think he was just a regular bloke. A pretty one at that, such a young, boyish face and nice, full lips. “I’m MAC, don't ask me what it stands for, I forgot. And you?”

 

Will tried to stifle a laugh. A robot who forgot things? Now that was pretty odd indeed. “My names just Will. Will Sergeant.”

“Ah a fellow Scouser. Finally, I’m kinda tired of all these Krauts.” MAC laughed. “I'm kidding, they're mostly fine, except Ralf, that cunt…”

Wow, that was harsh. Although, it made sense considering how Ralf seemed to treat him. “At least you got company. I’m just mostly alone on my ship.”

“I see.” MAC nodded his head. “Why are you even here?”

Great, this would be the hard part, he knew it. “I’m a mechanic and well, Ralf told me about you…”

 

All the light in MAC’s eyes drained and his expression became dour. “Ah I see… come to take my soul?”

What a loaded statement that was. “Well I…”

“It’s alright, I've resigned to my fate. Do what you need to do.” MAC took off his overcoat and the white shirt he was wearing underneath, exposing his naked back. Will took out a screwdriver to remove the backplate, so he could get at the internal wiring, trying very hard not to show his attraction to the handsome android.

Just as the screwdriver was about to touch one of the bolts, MAC spoke up. “Wait.”

Will paused. “Hm?”

“Before you take away my soul, could you… kiss me?” MAC turned around, facing Will and staring at him with those lovely eyes. “I know we’ve literally just met, but I’ve never fallen in love before and I want to see what it’s like before I can no longer feel it.”

“Yeah, but you just don't fall in love at first sight! It happens gradually, over time!”

“Time. Something I have little of. Just fucking kiss me, please.” MAC cupped Will’s face and forcibly placed his lips onto the human. Will struggled a bit, but found himself enjoying the kiss and the robot’s sweet embrace. He dropped the screwdriver on the floor, making a loud *KLANG* as he wrapped his arms around MAC’s waist. As the kiss prolonged, MAC realized that this was not enough. He pulled away and looked into Will’s eyes, dreamily.

“That was nice… now… make love to me.”

What?” Will was taken aback by the forwardness of this android.

“You heard me. Please just give me this moment.”

Will just responded by unzipping his jumpsuit. Was this even ethical to do this to a patient? Probably not. Did he care? No.

 

Outside, in the main hall, two of Ralf’s underlings, Karl and Wolfgang, walked past the corridor when they hear a very loud moaning sound coming from that direction. Karl was clueless, but Wolfgang, always the more “worldly” one of the bunch, knew exactly what was happening. He smiled and tried to keep from giggling.

“Wolf, do you hear that? Sounds like the mechanic and MAC are hurt.” Karl made a move towards the corridor but Wolfgang stopped him.

“No, no, no, little Karl,” Wolfgang said. “They're not hurt at all, in fact it’s the complete opposite! They are in a perfect state of pure euphoria!”

“Ah. Okay, that makes no sense, but you know more than I do I suppose.”

“Yes, now come with me to the observatory. I have to show you these magazines I’ve been hiding in there…”

 

Will lay on the cold steel floor with MAC cuddled up beside him, head on his bare chest. The android’s hair felt nice and soft, and Will couldn’t stop petting it. He didn't expect the night to turn out like this but god, he was glad it did. That's when he realized he still had a job to do.

Would he actually do it? Could he do it?

MAC stirred awake after falling into sleep mode. “God, that was fucking great. Thank you. I suppose you'll need to reprogram me now.”

“Oh, to hell with all that!”

“What do you mean?”

Will sat up and pulled MAC into his arms and looked at him straight in the eye. “Just come with me. Live with me on my ship, I’ll take care of you and everything.”

MAC grinned. “So my seduction worked?”

“Yeah, probably. Just put your clothes back on and follow me…”

 

TWO SPACE-MONTHS LATER

 

“The mail’s here,” Florian said, walking into Ralf’s office.

“What did we get?” Ralf said.

“We got those packages we needed. And a lot of fanmail. Those volk from the Black Planet are very lusty…”

“ACH, those morons! I have no need for things like that! Take it to the incinerator!”

“Wait, there’s something from Herr Sergeant…”

“That bastard? The one that took one of our employees for his own amusement? What does he want now? He’s not getting Karl! Or Wolfgang!”

“Calm down, it’s a postcard.”

“Oh. Let me see!”

The postcard photo showed Will and MAC embracing on one of the many bright-pink, sandy beaches of Planet Claire. On it was writing that said, “WISH YOU WERE HERE, XOXOXO.”

“ACH! They are TAUNTING me! BURN IT!” Ralf shoved the card back at Florian.

Florian looked at the photo and smiled. “Sure thing, Boss.”

The end.