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Sometimes, he catches Yiu-Fai staring at him, wondering where it all went wrong.

Sometimes Yiu-Fai’s passivity, his care, drives Po-Wing crazy. When they fight, his anger is beautiful and strange. His violence is always a surprise. He always announces his intentions: “Po-Wing, I will hit you!” he cries, and Po-Wing encourages it. Sometimes he wants Yiu-Fai to hit him. Not because he gets off on it, but because it’s a sign of affection. A sign that Yiu-Fai still cares.

They wouldn’t fight if he didn’t care so much.

Sometimes, Yiu-Fai is more than enough. Po-Wing wonders why he needs the others, when all he has to do is crook his finger for Yiu-Fai to come running. Sometimes he thinks he’s lazy, and that Yiu-Fai is easy; but it’s more than that.

Sometimes, memory is too strong a force to resist. Po-Wing can forget many things: the reason they left Hong Kong, the faces of his parents, the time before this. But he can’t forget Yiu-Fai. He remembers the taste of his skin no matter how much he drinks, how much he smokes, how much he takes from other men. The more Po-Wing remembers, the more he wants to forget.

Sometimes, he thinks he hates Yiu-Fai.

Sometimes, just to torment himself (but he enjoys it, secretly; it’s selfish to wallow, and he doesn’t care for anyone but himself), he replays the moments when they were happy together. The happiness is always tainted with something else. It shouldn’t bother him, but sometimes it does.

Sometimes they dance, and Po-Wing wishes they never had to fuck again, because how can it compare? He heard once that the difference between dancing and fucking was that dancing required you to look in your partner’s eyes.

Not with Yiu-Fai. Neither of them can meet the other’s gaze. They dance with their heads together, face to face, looking down.

Sometimes Po-Wing stares at Yiu-Fai’s mouth, and thinks of the shape of his words. He imagines that Yiu-Fai is staring at his mouth, too, but knows that he’s numbering all the lies and broken promises that have slipped so easily from Po-Wing’s lips.

Sometimes, Po-Wing wishes he was worthy of him.

Because sometimes he thinks he loves Yiu-Fai, and sometimes this honesty is too much.