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Your New Ship and You! An Owner's Manual

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Sal, this is the latest version of the manual. Can you go through it one more time and make some notes? Thanks, Mo.

Table of Contents

  1. Introduction
  2. Warranties
  3. Your Ship
  4. Your Team [ed. note: Have we not figured out how to have a solo pilot? This is supposed to be a budget alternative for folks! Even still, why team? Why not crew?]
  5. Controls
    1. Basic Controls
    2. Advanced Controls
  6. Troubleshooting
  7. Your Looming Sense of Impending Dread [ed. note: Is this some kind of joke?]

1. Introduction

Welcome to the galaxy! With your new Acme Space Ship the stars are at your fingertips! Your Acme Space Ship is equipped with all of the modern amenities you want at the price you can afford.

[ed. note: There is no way in hell this ship could be said to have all the amenities. It doesn't even have a quarter of the amenities. It has a juicer. That's what it has. Sometimes sandwiches. But we don't even know where those come from and I wouldn't eat 'em.]

We'll tell you all the tips and tricks you'll want to know to travel anywhere! Make your ship go faster and faster! Zip past wormholes and duck asteroids! You'll have the adventure of a lifetime with your Acme Space Ship! Read on to explore your ship and learn how to blast off for the cosmos!

 

2. Warranties

[ed. note: Why is this blank? Have we not gotten this shit from Legal yet?]

 

3. Your Ship

Your new Acme Space Ship is equipped to let you explore the galaxy on a shoestring budget. This manual covers the features and controls for the following models:
Acme Space Ship - Budget
Acme Space Ship - Deluxe

If you've chosen the Acme Space Ship - Deluxe XL please find the Manual controls on the dash for Seat 1 and press the button labeled Refresh. Do NOT press the button labeled Flush.

[ed. note: Why don't we just print another manual for the Deluxe XL? If folks are paying extra for the Deluxe XL - and I'm still not sure why we have that listed as a cost-saving option - then we should probably give them the manual, not make them refresh the file themselves.]

Looking at the exterior of your ship, you will notice several key features: Nose cone, safety hatch, emergency hatch, jets, directional fins, Hypergong, Crossflux Inhibitor Array, window.

Looking at the interior of your ship, you will notice several key features: Controls, seats, tea kettle, Micropump Finagler, headrests, rubber floor mats, rubber ceiling mats, Viscous Fluid Absorbant Cushion.

For features such as Landing Gear, bunks, pillows, front-facing windows, and more, please contact a sales representative about our Deluxe XL model, or individual upgrades.

 

4. Your Team [ed. note: I still think this is ridiculous.]

Your Acme Space Ship is so easy to use, it practically flies itself! You and up to three of your friends can work together to make it even easier! While some larger space ships require a crew with specialized positions and educational backgrounds, your Acme Space Ship is far more flexible! Anyone can sit at any station. The control panels will tell you what to do!

At times you may see a directive on your monitor for a control you do not have in front of you. Fear not! Your teammates have all of the other controls you will need to fly the ship. Simply tell them what needs doing - We've simplified the process by putting you all in the same cockpit!

[ed. note: I thought we'd sorted that out and the displays all matched the panels now? What happened?]

It's important to get to know your team and to work out a system for using your ship's controls. For more information on teambuilding, please see the Acme Space Team Cooperation Retreat flyer included in your purchase documents! We offer several workshops and retreats to hone your cooperative shouting skills!

[ed. note: This part all looks fine, for what it's worth, but I'm still hoping we can get the engineers to fix that display problem and make the whole "team" concept more of an opt-in than a necessity. Think of it, then we could upsell on seats and market the team version as a Budget XL!]

 

5. Controls

Piloting your very own space ship is a dream come true! Until now, pilot licenses were hard to obtain due to the intense amount of training necessary to fly most ships. But not your new Acme Space Ship! This ship has been designed for even the most amateur of pilots! You don't even need to have ever set foot in a space ship before to pilot our ships! All you need to do is follow the instructions on your monitor, and the ship will fly itself!

[ed. note: Have we double and triple checked this with Legal? If something happens and the findings say it's pilot error, we want to be in the clear. Maybe talking up how little you need to know before getting in the cockpit isn't such a great idea. Let's keep it to a list of controls and how to use them, okay?]

Not all of your trips will use the same controls. Once you punch in your destination, your ship will calculate your trip and give you all the control panels you will need for the parts of space you will be traveling through. Space is pretty big and there's a whole lot of stuff out there to account for. Most ships have whole different stations to deal with the variety of situations you might come across, but why have multiple stations you might not even need to use on most trips? Our patented Modular Control System assures that you'll always have the right tools for the job. Not sure what you might encounter? Your ship does it for you, so you can leave worries about spatial anomalies behind!

Basic Controls - These controls have a single button, making operation easy.

  • Ferrous Holospectrum - Provides magnetic shielding from the entire magnetic spectrum, including octiron!
  • Shockcrane - Provides electrical charge to a number of key systems on the exterior of the ship.
  • Evasive Maneuvers - Take periodically when directed.
  • Flux Alert - Acknowledging the alert will turn off that klaxon you are likely hearing.
  • Squeaky Door - Applies oil to hinges.
  • Sigmasystem - Data from several key systems is routed through the Sigmasystem, which then produces the deviation from the initial calculations and directs several other key systems to compensate, engaging seventy-three external sensors, including the Crossflux Inhibitor Array, to reroute power after determining the coordinates of the ship in relation to the nearest black hole and fuel stations. Push the button to begin calculations or to end them.
  • Cockpit Grate - You never know when you'll need cheese!
  • Tea - Infuse when instructed. DO NOT TOUCH OTHERWISE. WARNING: Infusing the tea when no mug is in the receptacle will result in depolarization of the Micropump Finagler.
  • Radioslime - Our patented Radioslime system uses a proprietary liquid polymer to transmit data from your ship to the nearest stations for piloting accuracy purposes.
  • Brain Plunger - The ship's computer - or "brain" - needs periodic "plunging" for peak efficiency.
  • Quadboard - These four panels, visible under the rubber floor mats, control the boarding functions.
  • Starmesh - Sick of seeing those stars whoosh by the window? Our patented Starmesh dims the stars!
  • Macrodryer - Do not confuse with the Microdryer.
  • Alignment Accelerator - This controls the speed of your ship's system alignment. Accelerating the alignment will make your ship run slower but smoother.
  • Artificial Suctionscrubber - Unlike other space ships, your Acme Space Ship uses an artificial Suctionscrubber to avoid organic infestations in the scrubberstacks.
  • Air Bucket - The air bucket will refill your air supply. Keep lidded at all times except when pushing this button.
  • Timemodule - When the Timemodule is on, the ship's clock will show the time.
  • Deckchairs - Rearranging the deckchairs is vital to the morale of your team during difficult times.

Advanced Controls - These controls have settings you will need to pay attention to, making operation somewhat less easy!

  • Volatile Flushclamp - The Volatile Flushclamp dial determines how volatile the clamp is at any given moment.
  • Repulsion Locator - The location is either 0 or 1 as the Locator is binary.
  • Omega-Seal - Toggle this seal on or off to end it.
  • R-Board - Toggle this control to determine if the R-Board is equipped.
  • Microdryer - Do not confuse with the Macrodryer.
  • Dualblock - The Dualblock dial determines the duality of humankind, on a scale from 0-7, but will not affect any non-human teammates on your ship.
  • Timehoist - Jamming the Timehoist will temporarily stop time around the Timehoist. Dilating the Timehoist will set it right again. Do not leave the Timehoist jammed for more than two minutes, Timehoist time.
  • Sandwiches - Sandwiches will be dispensed when the Quarters button is pushed. If the Crust button is pushed, crusts will be dispensed.
  • Pressure Heliotube - Increase or decrease the Heliotube slider to strengthen the microsun contained deep in the heart of your Acme Space Ship where you can never see it or be harmed by it.
  • Newtonian Photomist - There are seven Photomist vents throughout your Acme Space Ship. Do not breathe in the Photomist. If you breathe in the Photomist, please seek medical attention.
  • Powercycle - Kick the powercycle to start the wheels turning. Release it to ride it around the corridors of your Acme Space Ship.
  • Manual - Refresh your manual for the latest uploads. Do not flush unless instructed. You will not be instructed to flush the Manual.
  • Hyperhydrant - The Hyperhydrant will sluice the Photomist vents, Flushclamp tubes, Suctionscrubber scrubberstacks, and all other cylindrical openings. Settings will determine the force of the sluice. Stand clear.
  • Polypuffer - Before turning the dial, place the Viscous Fluid Absorbant Cushion or any of the lumbar pillows purchased as Acme Space Ship add-ons in the receptacle for puffing.
  • Dilation Monobarrel - Dilate the fuel aperatures, viewfinder, B-Pipe, coat closet, and more, by positioning the Monobarrel and engaging to 1.
  • Tectonic Putty - Putty will be dispensed in increasing amounts to be applied where needed. Do not apply Tectonic Putty to bare skin.
  • Juicer - 0: Chunks. 1: Somewhat chewy. 2. Pulpy. 3. Pure liquifaction.

[ed. note: I know this isn't complete yet because we're still waiting on a few specs, but as soon as it is we need to make sure it's in alphabetical order. How are people supposed to find the controls they're looking for if there's no order to the list whatsoever?]

 

6. Troubleshooting

Throughout your journeys you will encounter all manner of wondrous sights and strange places. While we here at Acme Space Ships pride ourselves on anticipating as many of these encounters as possible, as we mentioned above, space is pretty big! During your travels it is possible that you will need to troubleshoot issues either on board your Acme Space Ship or outside in space!

Anomalies:
All efforts are made by your ship's systems to avoid spatial anomalies. If one is unavoidable, however, you may see one or more of the following issues in your display panels:

  • Translation errors - Your Acme Space Ship is equipped with our patented Neural Tongue to detect the language you are most comfortable reading when displaying your controls and directives. Some anomalies can cause errors in the Neural Tongue system, causing it to fall back to its base system. The base system for the Neural Tongue uses pictograms instead of words. This error should resolve itself once you go to warp.
  • Display errors - Your Acme Space Ship has high resolution displays for both your control panels and your monitor. Some anomalies can force this resolution to drop to its lowest setting, leading to some controls being difficult to read. This error should resolve itself once you go to warp.
  • Color errors - Your Acme Space Ship has been designed with aesthetics in mind to make the control panels easy to read and pleasing to the eye or other visual sensory organ. Some anomalies can result in the rapid shift of display colors through a broad spectrum. This error should resolve itself once you go to warp.

[ed. note: The update to the Neural Tongue system is looking promising. We might be able to scrap that bit if the newest version of the software is resistant to spatial anomalies.]

Common Spatial Objects:
All efforts are made by your ship's systems to avoid spatial objects, however, some objects are difficult to predict and must be avoided manually at the time of encounter.

  • Wormholes - Your Acme Space Ship is equipped with a state of the art Gravity Flux Pump. Prime the pump by reversing your seat orientation and placing your feet on the rubber ceiling mats.
  • Asteroids - Your Acme Space Ship is capable of making fast movements to avoid asteroids. Simply rock your seat from side to side to engage the horizontal thrusters.

Ship malfunctions:
If your ship takes damage from an anomaly, wormhole, asteroid, or by other means, you may encounter some malfunctions on board.

  • Smoke - Overloaded circuitry can cause fires behind the control panels. Rest assured, the fire suppression system will take care of any open flames, but smoke may still leak from around improperly sealed panels. Simply wave it away and the intake vents will take care of it.
  • Sparks - Overloaded circuitry can also result in sparks or arcing electricity over some panels. Simply avoid the affected panels until they are safe to touch.
  • Slime - You may see slime from the Radioslime system oozing out from around improperly placed panels. Wipe it away and make certain to clean your hands on the Viscous Fluid Absorbant Cushion.
  • Panel Misplacement - If the ship's alignment is not precise, some panels may jostle free of their display placement. Panels can be repositioned by swinging them back into place, where they will resecure themselves.

Cat:
At times the cat will attempt to toggle switches, push buttons, or otherwise distract you from your controls. Simply shoo it away. Its name is Tesla and it likes salmon-flavored treats.

[ed. note: Look, we only have the one cat. Just because Tes got onto the test ship doesn't mean every ship comes equipped with a damn cat. We really just need to get some canned salmon or something and lure Tes off the ship. It'll be easier than taking apart the Newtonian Photomist vents to go in there ourselves.]

 

7. Your Looming Sense of Impending Dread

You probably haven't read this far in the manual. You've probably just checked out the troubleshooting chapter and the basic controls, and that's being optimistic. Most likely, you've just hopped into the cockpit with a group of friends or strangers and been on your way.

By now you might have noticed the supernova behind you. Sorry about that. These ships fly themselves, but making them was a whole different story.

[ed. note: Mo, either you're not telling me something, or whoever you had working on this has a horrible sense of humor. Make sure you cut this bit before it gets uploaded or printed. And for heaven's sake, stick an index in or something! Are you going out in that test flight tomorrow? Let me know. I wouldn't mind seeing that Cockpit Grater in action.]