Seungri has been living a lie, the world thinks he is a playboy, a womaniser. That he sleeps with different women in every city he goes to. But, he has never actually done any of those things.
Seungri’s sure that if he would explain that he’s not actually like that, that he wants people to believe those things, and that he wants people to write and talk about him in that way, that they would feel utterly confused. Why would anyone be okay with having such a negative image, especially as an idol? Even more so, because his fake reputation has actually caused Seungri trouble over the years.
Seungri would tell them that he prefers that over having the world find out that he is gay.
Since his sexuality is not seen as acceptable by a lot of people, Seungri has gone through great lengths to keep it a secret. There was still some fear that people somehow knew, or had a feeling that there was something ‘wrong’ with him, and that that was part of the reason they were harsh to him when they would treat other people with more kindness and understanding.
And being famous, being an idol in a group, any dating scandal could ruin a career, but a gay dating scandal would be seen as even worse. And now it wouldn’t be just Seungri who would be affected by that, it would affect the rest of the group as well.
So, to hide his sexuality, he lets people think that he is straight and a womaniser. To keep people who are closer to him from getting suspicious, he occasionally dates women and exaggerates the stories, hoping that everyone believes his stories. And people buy it. But, it’s hard to keep up appearances.
Seungri feels horrible for lying to the women he ‘dates’, he tries to treat them as well as he can, take care of them, make them feel special, but sleeping with them is not an easy task. He can appreciate their beauty, but he feels absolutely nothing beyond that. He has to picture a man in bed with him. He feels awful about it, but he doesn’t see any other way.
He can’t date for too long, the woman will start getting suspicious, so after a few weeks of ‘dating’, Seungri breaks up with them, trying to make them believe he will be too busy and feels that he will be neglecting them. That will not always work, though, some tried to say that they were okay with that and will wait for him. Those breakups were hard on both of them, Seungri would not be able to sleep for a few days, guilt overpowering everything.
Luckily, Seungri accidentally found the ‘solution’ when he dated a woman who ended up just wanting to be with him for his money, fame, and connections. As soon as she got what she wanted, she dumped him. That makes it easier for him, he doesn’t feel as guilty as the woman is using him, just as he is using her. After that, he purposely seeks out women like that to ‘date’.
The members make fun of him being a player, for jumping from one woman to the other, for always picking out bad women. Sometimes they tell him that he needs to get his act together and treat relationships more seriously, he’s not 18 anymore. Seungri lets them, it’s easier this way, and he is used to people misunderstanding him, seeing him differently from how he really is. But, sometimes it does hurt a bit, knowing that his hyungs think negatively of him. But it’s worth the tradeoff for keeping his sexuality a secret from them.
Even though he has peace with that decision, he still feels like he is missing something, and has a longing for sex with a man. Once he got a bit more privacy and breaks from being around the other members, he built up the courage to try and finger himself.
It felt awkward and a bit weird, but he likes it and keeps experimenting. He slowly works his way to more fingers, and after some research and experimenting, the younger man works on finding his prostate, but his fingers just don’t cut it. Seungri curses his short fingers and wishes he had larger hands even more than before.
Seungri needs something bigger and longer than his fingers. So, he orders a dildo. He feels anxious about someone finding out he is the one ordering it, but he didn’t get any weird looks when he picked up the package, nor was anything posted on social media about someone finding out. Now his only worry is keeping the dildo hidden in his dorm. But, he already has a plan for that, he has a box that will be hidden inside an empty textbook that he cut the pages out of. Seungri doesn’t think that any of his hyungs will be interested in an old schoolbook of his.
And over the next few months everything goes well, he slowly gets used to the size, and he manages to find his prostate now. The first time he managed to hit it multiple times in a row, Seungri came so hard he screamed. Showing that he had to be even more careful around the others when he was using the toy.
The dildo satisfies his craving to be filled, but sometimes it feels like it’s not enough, there’s still something missing. Seungri knows it’s because his body wants to be fucked by a real person, not a piece of plastic. He wants, or rather needs the intimacy that comes from having another person involved. Seungri hates those thoughts, no need for wishing for things you can never have. And Seungri tells himself that it’s not like he can miss something that he never experienced before. To keep himself from thinking about it, Seungri tires himself out with orgasms until he falls asleep.
Although he has more privacy, there have been moments where one of his hyungs managed to get inside, even if Seungri locked the door. So, he usually sticks to just jerking off, not wanting to risk anyone finding him using his toy, and he doesn’t want to get too depended on it either.
Unfortunately, the hyungs, one, in particular, are also the reason the youngest wants to use the toy. Some days Seungri feels that either they or the universe has it out for him. All the hyungs tease him with touches, and they’re all very attractive and kind. All four of the older men would make great partners.
But Youngbae is the biggest offender. Walking around without a shirt, showing off his fit body, distracting the younger man often enough that Jiyong needs to slap him to get him focus again. And is that wasn't bad enough, Youngbae has a habit of hugging the maknae, while bare-chested. Seungri has a hard time hiding how affected he is by the feeling of his hyung’s strong and warm body. He often wonders how the skin would feel under his hands.
Seungri tries to shake his hyung off when he feels the hugging gets to be too much, but the dancer never gets the hint and doesn’t let go. He doesn’t want to hurt Youngbae’s feelings by being rude, but sometimes he feels like he is going to jump out of his skin with all this tension and sexual frustration building up inside of him.
And it’s not just Youngbae’s looks and touching that are the cause of that. The dancer always compliments him, takes care of him, gets him food and gifts. The older man makes Seungri feel good about himself, important, cherished. And he’s happy that the older man likes him enough to do all, but Seungri knows that how he’s feeling isn’t his hyungs intent. All it does is make Youngbae only have for him, Seungri wants to be the one the dancer falls in love with, grow old together.
Seungri hates the fact that he has these feelings. If it was just lust, he could masturbate, but with those romantic feelings, love, he doesn’t know what to do with them. And it’s driving him crazy. But that will never happen, Youngbae is straight. He’s only ever spoken about wanting to meet a nice girl. Even if that wasn’t true, that the dancer was open to a relationship, or just sex, with a man, Seungri is 100% sure that the older man would never be interested in him.
So, no matter what, he will just stick to fantasies and sometimes using his toy when the need becomes too much. It’s for the best and Seungri has accepted that this is how the rest of his life will be like, and nothing will change that in his mind.
But, things do change when Seungri comes home to find Youngbae in his room, looking through one of his drawers. That is not something unusual, after all these years the younger man is used to not having a lot of privacy, or things that are truly his. His hyungs ‘borrow’ his things without asking all the time. Seungri has done the same thing, so he can’t really complain.
When Youngbae turns his head and upper body slightly, to look at the maknae, Seungri’s eyes are drawn to the older man’s hands. Youngbae is holding the box that has his dildo inside, and the box is open. Seungri feels all the blood drain from his face and feels dizzy.
Before he can say anything, Youngbae puts the box back into the drawer and turns around completely. “Oh, Seungri, welcome home. Hey, where is your extra phone charger? I misplaced mine, and you have a spare one, right?”
Seungri nods and tries to pretend that nothing happened as he goes to his desk to get the charger. In a soft voice, he says that Youngbae can use it for as long as he wants. Seungri would like to act more like everything is fine, but he feels like he can’t breathe.
Youngbae smiles and thanks the younger man. It doesn’t seem like Youngbae feels weird about what he was just holding, but there is no way that the dancer didn’t get that it was a dildo. Either he assumes Seungri uses it with the women he sleeps with, or who Youngbae THINKS Seungri sleeps with, or that he has it as a joke and never used it. Seungri just can’t believe that Youngbae would feel comfortable knowing that his maknae is fucking himself with a dildo.
No matter what the older man thinks, Seungri feels that it can’t be good and feels mortified that someone found out. But, if Youngbae is willing to pretend nothing happened, Seungri is more than happy to go along with that.
After spending multiple days in a row with his hyungs, all touching and teasing him, he is at his limits. Youngbae, in particular, was very touchy, even biting his chest, for some reason. Seungri had a tough time not moaning out loud. All he wanted to do was bend over for Youngbae, right in the middle of the room in front of everyone, and just let Youngbae have his way with him.
They finally have a break, and Seungri comes home to an empty house. He’s going to take this chance to use his toy without having to stay completely silent and fuck himself until he can’t stay awake any more.
He opens the drawer and takes out the book, and then the box inside of it. When he opens it, he finds it empty. Confused he looks into the drawer, he can’t find the toy. He panics, there is no way he put it anywhere else but the drawer, but that has to be it.
Seungri goes through the rest of his room, looking for the toy in a frenzy. He has a bad feeling about it and wants to find it as quickly as he can so he can feel reassured.
He has looked everywhere, twice, and didn’t find it. Seungri curses out loud, where could it be. He knows for sure he put it in the box after Youngbae found it. It just doesn’t make sense, did someone take it? But only Youngbae knows he has it or did the dancer tell the others. The younger man didn’t notice anyone behaving or looking at him differently. But what else could have happened?
Seungri feels 100% sure that one of the hyungs has taken it. Whether because they are feeling disgusted about Seungri using it, about his sexuality, or maybe they are disappointed about it, or they could have taken it to tease him. In the end, it doesn’t matter to Seungri. He bought it, it’s his, and he is going to use it. He’s not hurting anyone by using a dildo in his private life.
If he weren’t so horny and desperate, he would have taken the time to think about the fact that the person who took the dildo will immediately know that Seungri has taken it back. And that once they notice it will end in a confrontation, a fight, or maybe a rift in their friendship.
Since Youngbae was the one who found the dildo, Seungri goes into his room first and hurriedly goes through the closets, hoping to find his toy and get back to his room quickly. He’s searching so intently that he doesn’t hear the front door open and close, nor does he hear someone walking into the bedroom.
“Were you looking for this?”
Youngbae’s voice startles the younger man, and Seungri turns around quickly in shock.
“You shouldn’t use this, you know.”
Seungri went from feeling surprised to hurt and a bit angry. He never thought that Youngbae would be this blunt when it came to sensitive topics, the older man had always acted kind and understanding, even if Seungri had done something bad. This is unlike his hyung, to Seungri.
“Look, hyung. I know, okay. I know that me liking men is a bad, even horrible to some, but I can’t change it. Believe me, if I could, I would.” Seungri looks away, the confession came out before he could stop himself, and he really doesn’t want to see the disappointed look on Youngbae’s face, or worse him having a disgusted expression.
“I know that me meeting up with or dating a man will cause a big scandal, and I wouldn’t risk your careers, I’m not that horny or selfish that I will put my needs before the group. That’s why I have that.” Seungri points at the toy, hoping Youngbae understands what he is saying.
When Seungri makes eye contact with the older man, he notices that Youngbae is looking sad. Not angry, what he had been expecting.
“That’s not what I meant.” The older man sounds a bit sheepish. “I was trying to say, ‘why use this when you can get the real thing’, but it didn’t come out right. I’m not angry at you, Seungri.”
“Oh...” Seungri isn’t sure what to say, this wasn’t what he expected Youngbae to say. “I’m happy that you’re not angry at me, but I really can’t risk meeting up with a man, no matter how badly I want to. The group is worth way too much for me to jeopardise it.
“I know you wouldn’t do that. I meant that it wouldn’t be an issue if it’s within the group, though.” Youngbae sounds so sure that he has the solution to Seungri’s problem, that the younger man is stunted into silence for a few seconds. The dancer is still looking at him, waiting for a reply, so Seungri shakes himself out of his thoughts.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean? I know I can trust you and the others to keep my sexuality a secret, but how would that help me not need my dildo anymore?”
“I meant that I am offering the real deal. I’m offering myself, so you don’t have to use this toy anymore.” Before Seungri can say anything, Youngbae continues. “Only if you want me, of course, I don’t want to pressure you or anything. When I found your dildo, I started to think about the way you react when I touch you. So, that is why I offered.”
“You’re not playing a prank on me?” Seungri had thought of multiple scenarios of how this confrontation would go like, but this was not one of them. He would have dismissed it as too unrealistic.
“Of course not, Seungri.” Youngbae steps closer and puts the toy on the desk next to him and Seungri, and puts both hands on the younger man’s shoulders. “I know we tease you a lot, but I would never joke about something serious like this.” The dancer smiles, hoping to put Seungri at ease.
“I thought you were straight, hyung.” Somehow it’s the only thing Seungri can think of, he’s sure that later he will want to kick himself for not saying something better or suaver.
“Well, I thought so too, but then I met you, and over the years I think I’ve developed an attraction to you. So, I’m not sure what my sexuality is, maybe Seungrisexual?”
Seungri snorts out a laugh, of course, his hyung would come up with a lame joke.
“All I know is that I like you a lot and after I found your toy, things started to fall into place. About how I feel about you, why I always want to spend time with you. And your reactions when I touch you and give you attention. Basically, I’m offering myself, take whatever you want, I guess. But are you interested?” The dancer looks a Seungri intently.
“Of course!” The younger man clears his throat and repeats it in a softer voice. “Of course, I am. You’re always so kind and understanding, even if I mess up. You make me feel treasured. I like you a lot too, hyung. I’ve never felt like this about anyone else. And, well, you’re also really attractive hyung. Anyone can see that.” Seungri takes a deep breath and continues. “I just never imagined this actually happening.”
“So, you have thought of me before? Did you fantasize about me fucking you while you were using your toy?”
That startles the younger man, he has never heard Youngbae talk like this. After the feeling of shock is gone, Seungri feels a blush rise to his cheeks as his cock twitch in arousal. Apparently, he has a thing for Youngbae and dirty talk. He nods.
“I...I have, yes.”
“Did you imagine me fucking you hard, holding you down, taking what I want. Or was it sweet and soft?”
Seungri feels dizzy, his mind is reeling and grabs the front of his hyung’s shirt to steady himself. He’s so flabbergasted that Seungri can’t do anything but answer honestly.
“Both. I’ve thought about you doing both.”
“Which do you prefer?”
“Hyung, you have to understand that this is even better than having all of my dreams coming true. Having anything with you, in any way, is more than I could ever ask for. What I prefer is you, just you.”
“Well, if that’s the case, I want to take my time with you since this is our first time together. This is special. You’re special.”
The younger man blushes, Youngbae really knows how to make someone feel good about themselves, and of course, the dancer is an eternal romantic. He’s never been in a situation like this before, so Seungri feels a little bit like a fish out of water. He can only nod in agreement.
Youngbae understands without Seungri needing to explain and takes charge. The older man kisses Seungri and pulls him closer and wraps his arms around the maknae’s waist.
The younger man melts into this kiss, it feels so right and natural. Nothing compared to how kisses with women had been like. Every time Seungri tries to speed up the kiss, the older man slows it down again. After a few minutes of that, the younger man whines into Youngbae’s mouth, wanting more and getting frustrated that he’s denied what he wants.
His hyung grins. “I’m sorry for teasing you. You’ve waited a long time for this, right?”
Seungri nods quickly and looks down, clutching the older man’s shirt tighter in his hands.
“Wait, let me undress too.” Youngbae takes his own shirt off too. The younger man looks like a child in a candy store as he finally gets to touch the skin he has dreamed of for years. Seungri explores his hyung’s muscles for a few moments before sliding his hands lower towards Youngbae’s pants.
“Can I?” Seungri feels like this is all a dream, and he’s going to wake up at any moment. The older man nods his consent. He might have been teasing Seungri, but he’s not unaffected himself and is hard in his jeans.
The younger man cups the bulge in the pants, squeezing a little, before unzipping the jeans and pulling them down and doing the same to Youngbae’s underwear. Seungri takes his hyung’s hard cock in hand. He jerks the cock a few times, rubbing his thumb over the head and along the underside, taking the older man’s balls in his other hand. It’s his first time holding anyone else’s erection, and it’s both new and familiar.
“Seungri...” Youngbae sounds breathless, and it startles the younger man, making him look back up and make eye-contact with his hyung. He feels a little embarrassed that he got so carried away and lost track of time. But he doesn’t get to voice anything because Youngbae kisses him while pulling his towel loose.
Youngbae pulls Seungri towards his bed and guides the younger man to sit on it. “Go lie down, get comfortable. Let me take care of you.”
Seungri nods. “Do you know what to do?”
“Don’t worry, I did some research.” The older man laughs sheepishly and reaches in his bedside table and pulls a tube of lube out of it. Seungri smiles. Of course Youngbae thought of everything, he can always count on the dancer to take good care of him.
The older man gets on the bed too and settles between Seungri’s legs and sits on his knees, taking a few moments to take in the younger man splayed out on his bed. Youngbae watches long enough that Seungri is getting a little insecure and feels exposed beyond being naked.
“Look at you.”
There is enough emotion in his hyung’s voice that Seungri can’t handle it anymore and pulls his legs up and closes them as he covers his face with his hands.
“None of that.” Youngbae pushes Seungri’s legs down on the bed and pulls his arms away too, holding them down on the pillow. “No need to hide, darling. You look amazing, absolutely perfect.”
Seungri wants to argue, but before he can, the older man continues talking, right into his ear.
“You aren’t the only one who has fantasised about this. I’ve dreamed about having you on my bed like this, moaning my name, only having eyes for me. Sometimes I imagine fucking you hard, making you feel it for days, sometimes we make love, whispering into each other’s ear.”
As he is talking, Youngbae grinds down.
“Hyung, please. I want you so bad.” Seungri is feeling so desperate he might cry if his hyung doesn’t get inside of him quick.
Youngbae isn’t doing much better himself and sits back on his legs, pulling the younger man’s legs over his hips, almost pulling Seungri onto his lap and applies some lube to his fingers. While swirling his finger around the entrance, Youngbae keeps an eye on Seungri’s face and pushes in, wanting to make sure his maknae is comfortable. He doesn’t have to worry as the younger man just moans in pleasure.
Youngbae moves his finger slightly, slowly working it in and out, building up his pace while the younger man relaxes as he gets used to it. This continues until Seungri gets impatient again, wanting his hyung to add a second finger, he pushes his hips down, fucking himself on Youngbae’s finger, hoping the other will get the hint.
After another minute of that Seungri speaks up. “Hyung, you can add another finger now.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”
Seungri tenses his jaw and tries not to sound annoyed, his hyung is only looking out for him, but Youngbae’s taking it too far. “Yes, I’m sure. You don’t need to worry.”
“If you’re sure, tell me if it’s too fast, okay?” Seungri nods in reply.
The older man very slowly adds a second finger, repeating his actions from before. Seungri’s frustrations melt away as pleasure takes over. It gets even better when Youngbae starts angeling his fingers, eventually finding the younger man’s prostate. Seungri back arches as he moans his hyung’s loudly.
Youngbae focusses on stimulating the younger man’s prostate. He’s hard and leaking himself, but hearing Seungri moan and seeing him writhing in pleasure is more important to him.
It feels too good, and Seungri is getting close to cumming, he touches Youngbae’s arm to get his attention.
“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”
Seungri shakes his head. “No, I just don’t want to cum yet. I want to cum with your cock inside me. I’m prepared enough, fuck me, Youngbae.”
The dancer curses and nods. Seungri has to hold back a smirk, happy that he has managed to make his hyung feel this way, instead of the other way around. Feeling a little more confident he lifts his legs, bending them, hoping he looks enticing. By the way Youngbae looks at him, he does.
Youngbae moves onto his knees, leans over the younger man, holding his body up with a hand next to Seungri’s head and lines up his cock with his other hand. Both hold their breath as the older man pushes in slowly.
Once the older man is all the way inside Seungri, he stops, letting both adjust to the feeling.
“Darling, you feel amazing, so tight and hot around me."
Youngbae rolls his hips, barely pulling out, keeping his movements small. It doesn’t take long for Seungri to feel pleasure again and he wraps his arms around his hyung’s back, needing the touch to ground him.
The younger man wants more, this already feels unbelievably good, but he knows it can get even better. Youngbae makes eye contact at the command, and Seungri feels a stab of arousal at the intense look in the dancer’s eyes. The older man takes Seungri’s hip in the hand that he’s not leaning on and starts fucking the younger man deeper, his thrusts are powerfull and fluid, showing that his talents are not just useful on stage for dancing.
Seungri can only hang on and let the pleasure wash over him. His toy is nothing compared to the real thing, and if he wasn’t in the middle of mind-blowingly good sex, he would have laughed at himself for thinking the dildo was enough for him.
Youngbae kisses him, the kiss is soft compared to the powerful thrusts. The older man adjusts his position, so he is lying on top of Seungri, it changes the angle, his thrusts are smaller, but deep and hit the younger man’s prostate perfectly. Seungri wraps his legs around his hyung’s hips.
Seungri’s cock is now rubbing against his hyung’s abs, and he can feel his orgasm come close again, and he whispers that he is in Youngbae’s ear. The older man kisses him again and bites the younger man’s lip. That little bit of pain added to the pleasure is what throws Seungri over the edge and he cums hard, all over both their stomachs.
While cumming, Youngbae fucks him through his orgasm, getting every little bit of pleasure possible. When Seungri is coming down, the older man slows to a stop and starts pulling out. He doesn’t want to overwhelm his maknae.
“Hyung?” Seungri looks down and sees the older man is still hard. He wraps his legs around Youngbae’s hips again, to hold him in place. “Don’t, I want you to cum inside me. I want you to fill me up.”
The older man nods, feeling too aroused to say anything, and pushes inside again. “Fuck me hard, use me for your pleasure.” Youngbae can’t hold back and does what the younger man tells him. He grabs Seungri’s hips in both hands and sets a bruising pace and with the maknae whispering encouraging things in his ear, it doesn’t take long for the dancer to reach his own orgasm.
After cumming, Youngbae drops down on top of Seungri. They hug loosely, both feeling relaxed and happy.
A few moments later, Seungri pinches his own arm.
“What are you doing?” Youngbae moves to lie down next to the younger man.
Seungri smiles. “I just wanted to make sure this wasn’t another dream. It’s still hard to believe this is real.”
The older man pulls Seungri close and hugs him. “All real, and you’ll never have to imagine it ever again, if you want to continue this.”
“Of course, hyung. If anything, I should be asking you that.”
“Do you have a schedule tomorrow?”
“No, I’m free. Why?” Seungri feels slightly confused about the sudden change in topic but goes along.
“I want to take you out for dinner. Just you and me.”
The younger man smiles and hides his face in his hyung’s neck, now getting what Youngbae was getting at and what he is trying to say. “I’d like that, a lot. Just you and me.”