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Warriors Regret

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If there was anyone Warriors could trust with dealing with his insomnia it was Legend. That guy had some kind of magic powers when it came to falling asleep. Being one of the few that couldn’t sleep too, it was a complete mind blower he could yo-yo between being incapable of it and oversleeping to the point of being late.


He couldn’t understand at all. Warriors needed answers. What was Legend’s secret and could he please share it?


“Oh, dude, are you sure you’re prepared for this? It’s going to be an effort of all of our parts.” Legend replied over the phone.


“Legend please I haven’t slept in a week. I’m desperate by this point.” Warriors pleaded. His pleas were followed by complete silence for a solid minute. Under any other normal circumstances Warriors wouldn’t be too worried. However he just admitted he was desperate and it was Legend of all people this fact was revealed to. Warriors absolutely feared for his entire existence as the seconds carried on.


“Okay. We’re game. Are you busy right now?” Legend asked. We? What the fresh fuck did Legend mean by we? The royal we? Was Legend being an absolute prick again or...wait...dear Hylia no he better not be talking about…


“Hyrule and I are free right now and are absolutely willing to help out.” And thus Legend confirmed Warriors worst fears. What horrible things would be be subjected to? Warriors could only wait and find out. Desperate times called for desperate measures, despite it all. So he had to agree.


He had about half an hour to prepare himself for whatever Legend and Hyrule had in store for him. The self-proclaimed Downfall Boys were a whole different level of cursed. Their cursed energy radiated power not even Ganondorf could compare to. In spite of this being a completely modern AU, Warriors still knew of the terrors that lay within the true Zelda franchise. He knew all of which Ganon was capable of.


But that didn’t matter, all he knew was an intense feeling of absolute dread washed over him as it finally started settling in that Legend and Hyrule were coming for him.


Dear Hylia save his soul.

Half an hour passed by far too slowly. Warriors sat by his window, staring outside, praying to Hylia the golden goddesses or anyone who would listen that Legend was joking. Sadly for him, he was poorly mistaken. Pulling up on the driveway beside Warriors’ mom van was Legend’s stupid fucking golf kart, carrying the idiot Hyrule and what looked like a bunch of thier YouTube recording equipment.


No...this better not be for their stupid Power Hour webseries. He was already physically tired, there was no way in the deepest pits of hell Warriors was emotionally prepared for whatever bullshit Legend and Hyrule were about to put him through. The dread only settled in further as Wind emerged from under the pile of technology, dabbed, then took off running towards Warriors front door.


Warriors let out a soul crushing sigh. This was the fate he had to accept. There was nothing he could do about it. Dragging himself up off the couch he reluctantly shuffled over to the door, which Wind was pounding on like his life depended on it. Warriors was too tired to even give a shit about the fact Wind had a fucking key to his house, choosing to swing the door open with the grace of a 40 year old dabbing in a mall parking lot, just narrowly avoiding getting assaulted by Wind’s fists.


“Why are you monetizing my pain?” Warriors deadpanned the moment Legend and Hyrule came into view, hauling their equipment with them.


“Because it’s funny and will hopefully prove you should never be desperate enough to trust us.” Hyrule replied.


He had to resist flipping Hyrule off as he slammed the door shut, nearly closing it upon Legend. However Legend was a slippery little bitch and managed to slide in completely fine. Thus started what Warriors could only imagine what would be the worst timeline of how his afternoon could go.


There was no point in protesting. Warriors watched in vain while Wind set up Legend and Hyrule’s cameras, microphones, and what looked like a pair of ears on a tripod; all while Legend and Hyrule unceremoniously dumped various completely nonsensical unrelated items onto the table around the ears on the tripod.


“Here, you’re going to need these!!” Wind said, slapping a pair of noise cancelling headphones into his hands. Warriors stared at them blankly for a solid minute before the realization of what was about to happen finally clicked. As he snapped his head back up to give Wind a horrified look, he found Wind was no longer there. Af if by magic, Wind had teleported back to Legend and Hyrule’s side grinning evilly.


“Please spare me.” Warriors whispered.


Legend turned his attention away from the mess they were creating on his table. He stared Warriors right in the eyes, before uttering the words Warriors so feared to hear, “Never you scarf wearing weasel.”


Once more in Legend’s defense, Warriors was the idiot who wore a scarf at all times of year, no matter what he was always wearing his bright blue scarf. Even in deadass summer when it was 40 degrees out he wore that stupid geasy scarf. It only made it worse when people started to realise he also wore shorts in the middle of winter.


“Besides if you try to run Wind will just slam dunk you onto the ground.” Hyrule added. They all knew this was true. All of them knew very well the true power within Wind’s tiny arms.


There was no use in trying to protest. Warriors shed a single tear sliding the headphones on as he sank into the safety of his couch. For one single day, he wished he could just have a normal conversation with his friends. It’s not like Twilight, Wild or Sky were any better. Four was alright but always seemed too preoccupied trying to stop his brother Shadow from sharing his emo band’s music to the local kids. And Time, well, Time was also alright but he also acted like an old man so often it was kind of a mood killer.


He closed his eyes, drifting off into a far better land than he currently lived in. One may call that land, the Hyrule he came from in Hyrule Warriors. You know the one currently trapped in a civil war? Yeah that sounds more relaxing than ASMR from Hyrule and Legend. A warm fuzzy blanket was pulled over his shoulders, further cradling him in the safety of his war torn world. Despite everything, he’d have to thank Wind later for bringing him the blanket.


And with everything finally in place, the serene aura around him crumbled away with the ear piercing sound of two balloons releasing hair right into his ears. Dear Hylia why did the world hate him so? His eyes snapped open so he could immediately glare at the offending noise and the Downfall Boys.


Between the three cameras, a boom mic Warriors wasn’t even aware they owned, and their disco rave lights, he could see both boys holding deflated balloons with matching evil grins. Honestly sometimes Warriors wondered if it was actually Legend and Hyrule that were brothers and not Legend and Ravio. Kidding, Legend and Ravio would always be known as brothers, they had the exact same face it was impossible to deny their blood relation, if they did they were either dumb or in denial. Just, Ravio was probably Legend’s least favourite brother.


Hyrule leaned closer to the weird ears microphone, without breaking that awful gremlin grin. He whispered into the ears, “Do you like it Captain?”


Maybe he could channel all of his extra energy into going absolutely feral on those two boys. He probably had enough of it, it wouldn’t be that hard. Right? 


Maybe not, they were trying to ‘help’ as annoying and terrible as their aid was. No one else had offered their help yet. Rolling with the punches seemed to be the way to go. Even if the punches were directly to the gut and with the power of Marc Andre Fleury duel wielding hockey sticks. 


Warriors slowly sank back down into the couch, closing his eyes. No matter what he was going to attempt to sleep, even if Legend and Hyrule were going to ruin that completely. There was no point of cursing himself for proving his theory exactly right, moments later he was met with more of Hyrule’s whispering. However this time Hyrule seemed to be the closest to the microphone as he possibly could be, what graced his ears was something in between whispering and something getting bass boosted to high hell.


He could hear on the other side Legend’s distant wheezing, which undoubtedly meant he was laughing comically too hard at a joke the mediocre joke Hyrule told. Hyrule really was like Legend’s favourite was almost enough to further crush Warriors’ soul. Why would this crush his soul? Who knows, you’re not here to learn the answer to pressing questions like that. You’re just here  to watch the equally as pressing matter of Warriors getting tormented by two of his good friends.


And boy howdy was his patience getting worn thin very quickly. After less than five minutes of having paper aggressively crumpled straight into the microphone, what he could only assume to be gross slime sounds and at one point even a phone call from Ravio screaming about how Legend was an “awful brother who would sell his soul to Demise for a cornchip” Warriors began to realise there was someone who was far better for this job than Legend. He’d forgotten Sky was an entire person who could help him, like a fool.


He could just hear it now, Sky calmly asking why he got forgotten or sidelined once again while flashing that absolutely murderous smile. Little did anyone know Sky could be the most batshit feral of them all, Wild and Hyrule honestly had nothing on Sky. And they never would.


Before he could truly consider what Sky could possibly do to him, Legend and Hyrule began harmonizing a song. An absolute horrible rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star that honestly grated Warriors ears more than the crumpled paper or balloons. They all knew what Legend was capable of sounding like, thanks to Marin - that sweet, sweet sea gal- so the fact he was trying to sound as horrible as he did infuriated Warriors even more.


But then…then it happened. Without skipping a beat at the end of their song, Legend whispered into the microphone “The Sheikah faked the moon landing.” Warriors had heard the term ‘rolling on the floor laughing’ before, how could he not he wasn’t a boomer like Time, but he never knew it could be taken literally. The blessed hockey captain fell onto the floor coughing as he tried to breathe all while Hyrule and Legend lost their own shit off in the corner. Wind simply rolled his eyes at the shenanigans whispering, “okay, boomer” before going right back onto Tik Tok.


As Warriors wheezed out the last of his laugh he crawled back onto the couch. Wiping the tears from his eyes he settled into his fortress of memey solitude, prepared for whatever they had next. Despite it not actually having helped the sleep portion of his issue, and despite wanting to go feral moments before he had to say he was entertained. Maybe Legend’s weird stupid conspiracy theories was enough to make him feel better.


The torment finally closed over as Legend, in an oddly serene voice for the other horrors he’d unleashed upon the world, began to actually whisper something one would consider meditation. This was still Legend though so in the middle of it, he received absolute gems of quotes such as “If your thoughts drift to the three ring shit show of your life...bring your attention back to your breathing.”


And to everyone’s surprise this actually fucking worked. Warriors was disgustingly relaxed and drifting in and out of consciousness thanks to Legend’s weirdly honest meditation sequence. Hyrule could barely be heard in the background faintly stating his own shock this was working. After an indiscernible amount of time, likely because his mind was in another dimension by this point, Warriors could safely assume he was asleep. Legend’s voice was so muted it was hard to tell if he was even still there. And thank fucking GOD for that.


The peace quickly shattered away as his ears were assaulted by a shrill fearful shriek. Warriors slammed onto the floor once more, only to be met with Sky’s boots right in his face. Someone was crying, he had a good idea which one of the three idiots it was but that wasn’t the important part. Slowly, he looked up to face Sky, whose expression displayed unimaginable rage. If Warriors thought he was angry, he looked like a kitten compared to Sky.


He slowly pulled the headphones off Warriors ears. “Hello Warriors. Did you forget about someone?” Sky asked, still smiling while cracking his knuckles. 

Leaning closely he whispered, “ Vibe check.