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I Fail My IQ Roll, I Think This Is A Great Idea

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Scene: 

The living room of a rented lake house. It is the early 1980s, a warm Friday evening. Six college students are drinking, smoking weed and dancing to the records that happened to be in the house.

JIMMY

Hey, Ted, you might want to go a little slower on the wine.

 

PAUL

Yeah, it’s a lot more than beer.

 

TED

I can handle it.

 

JIMMY

Oh, yeah, like you did last weekend? It was pretty hard getting you off that roof.

 

PAUL

On the roof? Teddy, that was pretty dumb.

 

TED

Gee, sorry, Mom.

 

Paulo: OK, everyone give me a Carousing roll, if you’ve got it. Doug, Ted and Paul are pounding the Zin. What are the rest of you drinking? 

 

JIMMY

A wine spritzer thing again, I think I made one for the girls too. 

 

Paulo: Roll Carousing at a plus one.

SARA

Yeah, a fruity wine thing. I don’t have carousing. 

 

SAM

No, I’ve got a Zinfandel too.

 

Paulo: OK, Sara roll straight HT. Paul, Carousing plus one, and I’ll roll Doug and Ted at a plus one.

[dice roll]

JIMMY

Nice, I succeed by two.

 

SARA

On the nubbin.

 

SAM

Success by one? Yeah.

 

PAUL

Yep, by three.

 

Paulo: Doug succeeds… oh, and that’s a big fail for Ted. Nearly a crit fail.

 

Andy: Ted barfs all over himself.

SAM

Oh, no, we have to clean him up.

 

Pitr: He stumbles out to go and look for the twins.

 

Paulo: No, I think Ted’s just gonna fall asleep. He rambles on disjointedly for a while about girls not being reliable but finally  slumps into a chair and starts snoring.

 

JIMMY

Ted? Want another hit? If he’s not waking up for that, I think  he’s out for the count.

 

PAUL

Honestly, I hate to say it but that’s a relief. I like Ted but he can be pretty tiring.

 

SARA

I’d had enough of him leering at me.

 

SAM

Yeah, he’s an asshole.

 

PAUL

Sorry about him, babe. Is everyone else having a good time though? This is decent weed, right?

 

SAM

Yeah, this is a great evening so far, baby. Hopefully it’ll get even better later!

 

DOUG

Wanna dance, Sara?

 

SARA

Sure!

 

Paulo: How is it?

SARA

Pretty good, he’s got moves.

 

Paulo: Great, take a love point for him. You dance for a few minutes, and Doug leans in to kiss Sara. 

 

SARA

I kiss him back.

 

Paulo: And another love point for Doug. Everyone else, roll perception to see if you noticed that. At plus two, they’re pretty close to you.

[dice roll]

SAM

Uh-huh.

 

PAUL

Yes, by one.

 

JIMMY

I did not see that, I still think I might have a chance. 

 

Andy: That gives Paul an idea of something he wants to suggest, can I try and fail an IQ roll to see if I should do it, and then do Leadership to see if I can?

 

Paulo: Sure, go ahead. IQ minus one because of the booze.

[dice roll]

PAUL

OK, with that minus one I failed my IQ. Cool, I think this is a great idea! Leadership… [dice roll] Success by a lot, um, by five. 

 

Joz: Wow, we will follow you to the ends of the earth.

 

Paulo: No, it’s not a crit success, maybe to Kansas. OK, you guys can roll Will to resist that Leadership if you want to. Why don’t you tell us what you want to do before anyone decides if they wanna resist it? Gimme a success by five pitch.

 

PAUL

Look, we’re young, we’re friends, well, most of us are friends, I like Sara fine and I’m sure we’ll be friends soon, and Jimmy seems like a great guy too, so, they say you should try everything once, I wanna suggest that nobody sleeps on the couches tonight, you know? Sam and I have this big bed, we could all get in there and, uh, see what happens. I mean, I think it could be real exciting.

 

Pitr: Oh my god, Andy! I love you so much! This is such a terrible idea! We have to do it. 

 

Joz: Yes! This is gonna be awful, it’s amazing.

 

Pitr: But, y’know, Leadership is one thing, but have you seduced us? Give us the bedroom eyes.

 

PAUL

[deeper voice] I think it could be real exciting.

All: Laugh

 

Andy: OK, can I borrow God’s voice for a minute?

 

Paulo: [sighs] [huskily] I think it could be… real exciting.

 

All: Yelps and cheers

 

Pitr: For the listeners, Paulo was training his full thousand-watt smolder on the middle of the table there.

 

Paulo: None of you deserve the smolder.

 

Pitr: Table takes ten love points for Paulo.

 

Paulo: Do anybody’s characters have anything to say?

 

SAM

I’m gonna pull Paul aside and whisper to him. Hey, baby, I’m not very happy about you suggesting that without asking me.

 

PAUL

I’m sorry, honey, the idea suddenly came to me. Look, I think it could really be great for us, maybe a thrill for you, I know I haven’t been giving you the best time recently. You can make sure Doug’s looking after Sara too, you know?

 

SAM

Hrmmm, sure, that makes sense. OK, I’m not gonna roll to resist, I go along with it.

 

DOUG

This sounds cool to me, baby, do you wanna try it?

 

SARA

I’m gonna see if I resist, this is a lot for me, I was homeschooled. 

[dice roll] 

SARA

Ooh, nope on that Will. Gosh, you know what, I’ve picked up on the sexual tension in the air all weekend, I’m gonna throw caution to the wind, I’m sure it’ll be fine. 

 

Pitr: Look, I’m gonna try to resist because this is such a bad idea for Jimmy, but can I please have a penalty? I think he’s pretty nervous but really wants to do it. And I really, really want to do it.

 

Andy: Well, how much have you had to drink?

 

Paulo: Sure, take minus one for the spritzer, minus one for that reeeeal persuasive speech from Paul and minus one for being desperate.

 

Pitr:  You are the best game dad. [dice roll] I fail my will by two! Yes! Yes!

 

Paulo: So everybody’s in for this? OK, you leave Ted asleep in the chair and all head upstairs together sort of trying to be quiet but giggling and crowding against each other. You go to the master bedroom.

 

Joz: Hey, I bet Sara isn’t on the pill. 

 

Paulo: Jimmy, roll IQ to see if you brought condoms. 

[dice roll]

JIMMY

On the button. My stuff’s downstairs but Ted was boasting about his, like, extra-thin rubbers that he has, I can duck into the small bedroom and grab them from his bag.

 

Paulo: OK, the way we’ll do this is a bunch of rolling now. Boys roll Health or Will, and everyone roll for Erotic Arts if you have it, but only a crit fail will be a failure- otherwise just use the number to guide how good you are in the sack. Everyone roll Dex for the sex mechanic, and then we’ll RP it out from here, you don’t need to roll for specifics unless it’s something pretty far out. 

 

Pitr: Roll for fisting.

 

Joz: Does Jimmy even know what fisting is?

 

Pitr: He does if I make this roll! [dice roll] He does not. That was for the joke, OK, I’m gonna do my actual rolls now.

 

Paulo: We'll talk about the love and sex points afterwards if you keep track as we go.

[lots of dice roll]

PAUL

Success by one on Health today, thank god, that would have been pretty embarrassing. And Erotic Arts- success by two. And Dex by one.

 

Carolyn: Where’s Erotic Arts on my sheet?

 

Joz: In your skills.

SAM

Got it. I succeeded by three. And Dex is 11, OK, nine, success by two.

 

SARA

Dex by one.

 

JIMMY

My HT isn’t great because of falling off the horse, so Will- yeah- I don’t have Erotic Arts… I mean, I’m Crispin Glover. Dex on the button.

 

DOUG

Health, and- woah! Nearly a crit success on Erotic Arts, two ones and a three. Doug is amazing in bed, y’all. 

 

Andy: Boy, he’s good at everything. 

DOUG

He fails his Dex by one, but still confidently shucks his shirt off and smiles at Sara.

 

SAM 

I close the door and turn the light off.

 

Paulo: Sure. There’s some moonlight coming in the window, so we can see some, but it’s dim and feels mysterious and otherworldly. You all feel set apart from your usual lives, the atmosphere is electric. What are you gonna do?

 

SARA

I’ll go over to Doug and kiss him.

 

SAM

I’m taking my clothes off and throwing them across the room.

 

PAUL

I’m shucking clothes too, and then I’m going to grab Sam’s hand and go and sort of lightly push her onto the bed, and halfway lie down and start kissing a little, looking at Doug and Sara.

 

SAM

I love it, I toss my hair sexily.

 

DOUG

Doug starts unbuttoning Sara’s shirt. 

 

SARA

I’m pretty nervous, I want to be next to Sam. I go and hop onto the middle of the bed, sitting up.

 

SAM

I take her hand.

 

DOUG

I’m following Sara to the bed and stroking her hair.

 

SARA

I kiss him and run my other hand over his chest.

 

Andy: Everyone’s sitting sorta across the bed, near the headboard?

 

Pitr: Do not start drawing a diagram. Also Jimmy is still hovering by the door. 

 

Andy: Got it.

DOUG

I’m gonna try and pull Sara gently to lie back more. 

 

SARA

Yeah, OK, I’ll lean partway back on the headboard.

 

SAM

I start scooching to get horizontal. 

 

PAUL

I’m following her in shuffling to lay down.

 

SARA

I get sort of inspired by Sam, I’m biting my lip and taking my shirt off too.

 

DOUG

My shorts are coming off, and I wanna kiss Sara more intensely.

 

Andy: So we’re now lying mostly down and it’s Paul, Sam, Sara, Doug?

 

Paulo: That’s what people have said.

 

PAUL

I see Jimmy looking left out. Hey, bud, it’s fine, come over.

 

JIMMY

Uh, sure. Who’s nearest the door? 

 

PAUL

Me, I guess.

 

JIMMY

I go and sorta perch on the edge of the bed next to Paul. It’s real awkward, but I feel as if trying to burrow between Sam and Sara would be worse. 

 

PAUL

I wanna roll Self-Control at, where am I, four, with a plus four. 

 

Paulo: Uh-huh? That plus four is from yesterday and-?

 

Andy: Yup, I started at two but-

 

Paulo: Sure. Actually, go ahead and roll at a nine.

 

PAUL

Great, and [dice roll] Holy shit! Yes! I pull him down and kiss him.

 

All: Gasps of delight

 

Pitr: OH MY GOSH! YEAH!! Is this Paul’s queer coming-of-age movie???

 

Andy: Uh, PSA, do not do that, try not to kiss anyone unless you’re pretty sure they’re into it, Paul clearly has some issues. But very good leadership.

 

JIMMY

Oh, boy, do I wanna let him Leadership me here? Surprise kissing, not cool, and I’m pretty freaked out, and Sam is going to murder me, but it does feel good. I sorta half twist backwards with surprise but not fully away.

 

SAM

What?! What the heck? 

 

PAUL

I turn back and try to kiss her, do you want to?

 

SAM

I do not think so right now! What the heck? I really feel blindsided and furious. I’m quivering with anger. You have definitely lost some love points, buster.

 

Joz: Giggles

PAUL

I appreciate the quivering for a second. I just, I don’t want anyone to be left out I guess, can I maybe have a moment and I’ll come back to you?

 

SAM

Are you putting me on hold here?! No! I’m turning my back on you. I think I want to storm out but I don't want to look bad in front of Sara and Doug.

 

SARA

I’ll put my arm around her and sorta glare at Paul.

 

DOUG

Doug is currently strongly ignoring Paul in favor of cuddling up behind a cute girl, and plans to continue this policy possibly forever.

 

PAUL

Well that could have gone better, but I’m turning my head back to Jimmy.

 

JIMMY

What the shit, man?

 

PAUL

I dunno, dude, I suppose I wanted to see what it was like and, well, you’re a great guy, and being a writer and all, you might want to, uh, get some life experience?

 

JIMMY

Oh, right, you were being helpful. Jimmy isn’t having any luck with girls, he needs material, I’ll give him a big ol’ smooch.

 

PAUL

No, I mean, I wanted to, look, can I kiss you again? I lean in.

 

JIMMY

Fuck. OK, so, this is what’s flashing through my mind, I just got dumped last week and I feel like shit and I haven’t had any luck with Sara, and Sam’s already gonna hate me, and I’m real needy, what the hell, I’ll kiss him back.

 

PAUL

This is fucking incredible. 

 

JIMMY

This is fucking insane.

 

PAUL

I’m kissing him pretty frantically. I grip his shoulder and then push my luck and stroke down his back, and start trying to untuck his shirt.

 

JIMMY

You know what, fine, this feels great, I’ll put my arm round him too. 

 

PAUL

 That’s, fuck, I wasn’t expecting him to hold me. God, I can’t breathe. I’ll slide my hand up under his shirt, and lean in to his shoulder and gently bite.

 

JIMMY

Oh shit, I like this. I’m gonna tilt my head invitingly to get him to keep nipping me.

 

PAUL

Mm. I’m, with the arm I’m leaning on, I’m trying to undo his shirt with that hand, and I’m kissing his throat, taking in his smell.

 

JIMMY 

Umm, have I showered since we went horseriding?

 

Joz: Ohhh.

 

Paulo: There’s been time, let’s say you probably all did when you got back, unless you chose not to?

 

JIMMY

Nah, that makes sense, and I guess I’m not so comfortable in the group that I’d wanna be stinky. 

 

PAUL

Cool, in that case I’ll keep sniffing you.

 

Pitr: That sounds creepier than you possibly meant it to. OK, no, Andy has an unsettling grin going on right now.

 

Andy: Darn, I was going for a charming smile.

 

Pitr: Doesn’t work if you do that with your eyebrows at the same time.

 

Andy: Awww. 

 

Paulo: So Paul and Jimmy are making out. Sam?

 

SAM

Ooh, I think I wanna kiss Sara, sorta retaliating. But I’m definitely going to check it’s OK first.

 

Pitr and Andy: [in unison] Telegraphic?

 

SAM

Yeah, I’ll tap Morse code on her nose, what?

 

Paulo: In combat if you telegraph that you’re going to attack you gain an advantage.

 

SAM

I'm not going to hit her, so yeah, I’m gonna lick my lips and move in slowly, OK?

 

SARA

This isn’t how I thought this was going to go, but I actually really like Sam, and there’s something about having Doug curled up behind me and Sam in front of me that’s really exciting. I’m kissing her. 

 

SAM

Hey, sweetie, are you enjoying yourself?

 

SARA

Yeah, it’s sorta nuts but yeah, I am.

 

SAM

I’ll kiss you again, then. And cup your face with my hand, and whisper sweetly “Slap your butt!”

 

SARA

[laughs] And yours, bitch! I’m not actually doing it, but I’m gonna prod her in the collarbone.

 

SAM

I’m catching her hand and putting it on my boob, and kissing her again.

 

SARA

I’m flustered, blushing, kissing back.

 

DOUG

I don’t think Doug can believe his luck, I’m going to spoon in closer to Sara and prop myself up on one elbow to see this better. I’m into it.

 

SARA

Yeah, I can tell.

 

Pitr: Oh my god, if only you could see the look Paulo’s giving Joz.

 

Joz: Look, it would be more of a problem for the scene if Doug wasn’t reacting.

 

Paulo: Oh fine.

DOUG

I start reaching round and fondling Sara’s breasts as the girls are kissing, and I’ll kiss, um, behind her ear, where can I reach and still see over.

 

SARA

I mean, yeah, that's nice, I'm arching my back against him and I'm also gonna try and pull Sam nearer and start sorta petting her shoulder.

 

SAM

Well, hey, this has possibilities, I stroke down Sara’s side and let my hand stray onto Doug’s leg.

 

DOUG

I’m obviously gonna start caressing both of them.

 

SARA

I’m still confused but this feels amazing. 

 

SAM

Can I take your bra off?

 

SARA

One handed? How’s your Dex?

 

SAM

No, I totally can, do you want me to?

 

SARA

Sure. You unhook, I’ll worm my arm free.

 

Paulo: This movie was directed by a guy, so the camera lingers on two pairs of tits for a minute before we pan across to Paul and Jimmy.

 

JIMMY

I think I’m pretty unbuttoned but not naked.

 

PAUL

Sure. I’ve rolled partway on top of you and got a hand on your butt under your pants, pulling you toward me. 

 

JIMMY

Yeah. I don’t really know what to do with my hands, I guess they’re on your shoulders. 

 

PAUL

That’s a good place for them, nice job. I’ll duck my head and lick your nipple. 

 

JIMMY

Wow, um, a gentle whimper for that.

 

PAUL 

I’m getting more confident, I’m gonna try and hitch you up a tad and push your pants down and then grab them with my toes and pull them off, how’s it work?

 

JIMMY

Fine, I’m pantsless and only slightly scratched. 

 

PAUL

I have no idea what I’m doing at this point, but I did succeed on Erotic Arts, so, uh, I squeeze your ass again, slide my hand along your leg, and then up your inner thigh and onto your dick.

 

JIMMY

That makes me jolt all over, I’m gonna press up toward you.

 

PAUL

I’m trying not to moan. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. If I start rolling your skivvies off?

 

JIMMY

A-OK by me, in fact I’ll lean upwards to help. I’m going for this now, I’m kissing you. 

 

PAUL

I’ll, like, roughly kiss you, and then shove you back down and nuzzle your neck, and brush my lips across your chest, nibble a little. And, uh, I gather my courage and take your dick in my hand. Do you have a boner?

 

JIMMY

Oh hell yes. 

 

PAUL

I can feel your pulse jumping. [breath] I’m gonna jerk you off. 

 

JIMMY

Thank God for that. My head’s flung back, I’ve grabbed your butt- God, this is good, I’m gonna- Ah, shit, ah!

 

PAUL

I’m dizzy, I’m harder than I’ve ever been, I wanna thrust against him, but I’ve got one brain cell reminding me about Sam.

 

[pause]

Pitr: Really?!? You’re gonna have an awakening, cast Jimmy aside like a soiled Kleenex and try to go back to square one?

 

Andy: You betcha. I need to start convincing everybody including myself that this was a moment of madness. I can’t rock the boat.

 

Pitr: JEEZ, man. See if I let you jerk me off again. My love mechanic for you is at negative three right now.

 

Andy: Give it twenty minutes.

 

Pitr: … I’m going to set fire to your nose hair.

 

PAUL

Speaking of soiled Kleenex, I’ll wipe my hand on the sheet. I’m gonna kiss Jimmy again, and then roll over and press against Sam’s back and kiss the back of her neck. How do you take it?

 

SAM

Ow, you're on my hair!

 

PAUL

Sorry! Kissing again. Is that OK?

 

SAM

I’m still really mad, but I’m really turned on, Doug knows what he’s doing with my nipples and Sara’s so cute. I might be magnanimous. I'm not gonna say anything to Paul, and I pull partly away from him, but I leave my legs touching his. I’m gonna lean over and lick Sara’s breast, and unzip her pants.

 

SARA

Oh, wow. I want to do something with my mouth, I’m craning my neck to kiss Doug. And I’m wriggling my pants off.

 

DOUG

Feel free to keep wiggling.

 

SAM

I’m tracing shapes with my tongue across Sara’s skin and softly blowing to make her shiver.

 

SARA

You’re getting incoherent sounds.

 

SAM

I’m gonna stroke her through her panties.

 

SARA

Oh my God, Sam!

 

JIMMY

I don’t think Jimmy’s realised yet that Paul’s about to hang me out to dry, I’ve been recovering for a second and spacing out, but that catches my attention, I’m gonna start watching them.

 

PAUL

I’m looking over too, maybe more at Doug than at Sara but I totally have eyeline deniability.

 

SAM

Better than leaning against the washing machine, huh?

 

SARA

This is incredible, Sam, please don’t stop!

 

SAM

Sorry, honey, my wrist’s getting tired, but I bet Doug would be happy to take over. 

 

DOUG

You bet. Third base my specialty. I’m trailing my lips across Sara’s shoulderblade, and I’ll pull her more tightly against me, and start running my hand down towards her crotch.  

 

SARA

I’m squirmin’ here.

 

SAM

I’ve sorta taught Paul a lesson, I think? I’m turning back to him and see what he says. 

 

PAUL

God, you looked sexy doing that.

 

SAM

Thank you.

 

PAUL

I’m sorry, baby, can I make it up to you? I try and kiss her.

 

SAM

I haven't forgiven him yet, but I think I do want to give it a chance. OK, I kiss him. 

 

PAUL

I’m still real het up, can I try and do a few things that I know Sam likes and see if I can, uh, get there pretty quick without disappointing her?

 

SAM

Oh, I guess so. 

 

PAUL

I might lick from your elbow down your inner arm, swirl my tongue round your palm and suck on one of your fingers.

 

SAM

Ooh, yeah, that’s good, that’s nice.

 

PAUL

Honestly I’m sneaking glances at Doug whenever Sam’s eyes are closed. He’s sorta flushed and intent and Jesus, if he was looking at me like that- but I need to pay attention to what I’m doing. How’s that for ya?

 

SAM

Yeah, a little more- there- yes! Oh, baby, I want to ride you.

 

PAUL

Sure. I’m on my back, I’ll surreptitiously put my hand on Jimmy’s arm.

 

JIMMY

Gee, thanks.

 

SAM

Ready?

 

PAUL

Oh yeah- oh, god, that feels good, babe, I love you. Ahhh- 

 

SAM

OH MY GOD! Oh, honey, I love you too. I’m collapsing onto him and kissing him passionately.

 

Paulo: Wow, that went better for Paul than I’d expected. 

 

Pitr: Sure, sure, it was real sweet. What a lovely couple.

 

SAM

We are! Thank you for believing in us. 

 

Andy: I mean, like, out of character, that went way better for Paul than I’d expected, for sure. That was real forgiving of Sam. 

 

SAM

Look, I love Paul, and I have plans for my life with him, I’m not going to ruin that because of a little peccadillo. 

 

Joz: Are you gonna make him run for Congress? Political wife smile for the cameras, dead eyes?

 

Pitr: No, wait, back up, doing what you clearly regard as cheating on you right in front of your face is a peccadillo? What would you break up with him for? 

 

SAM 

Nothing you could do!

 

JIMMY

Hey, none of this was my plan!

 

Paulo: Before the sex scene goes into combat time, let’s check in on Sara.

 

SARA

So now Doug’s focusing on me and I’m into that, I’m twined round him kissing him and I’ve pushed my underwear down because I’m reallll happy about being touched there.

 

DOUG

She likes that, great, OK, Doug’s near crit success in Erotic Arts is going to come into play, I’m goin’ down. Slowly caressing her, skimming southward, nudging her legs apart and going to work with my tongue.

 

SARA

I’ve never heard of anything like this but wow, yeah, wow, that works- oh... my… ohh!! 

 

DOUG

And, uh, may I? 

 

SARA

There’s more?! 

 

Paulo: Nobody say it.

 

Joz: Nobody was.

 

Pitr: I was. “Not much more, amirite?”

 

Paulo: You haven't seen his character sheet.

 

Pitr: Wait, did I miss dick size on our sheets?

 

Paulo: Nah, I only care about it for my NPCs. I like to secretly have a sense of superiority.

 

Joz: Knowing that is, like, the main characterization technique you use, right?

 

Paulo: Oh, for everything. It’s just one of the basics of the craft.

 

Pitr: Doug has big dick energy? Agh, I do not feel good about myself for that.

 

Paulo: And you’re right. Anyway.

 

DOUG

Sara, can you grab one of those rubbers from the side? I think there’s some perfectly acceptable missionary position sex, uh, coming up. 

 

SARA

Sure, happy do do that. How do I, what are knees? Where- oh, that’s what happens! Yeah, it’s pleasurable, I feel a rush of love points towards you.

 

DOUG

That’s nice, babe. So, possibly a slight anticlimax for Sara but climax for Doug, kisses, that was swell. I’ll whisper sweet nothings to her as I fall asleep.

 

SARA

Sure, I’ll doze off too. I bet I have great dreams!

 

PAUL

I have some serious processing to do but on the other hand that was a hell of an exhausting time. Yeah, I’ll fling an arm round Sam and go to sleep.

 

SAM

I’m gonna throw Jimmy a dirty look over Paul’s shoulder and then, like, pointedly snuggle into Paul and shut my eyes.

 

JIMMY

So Jimmy sees that they’re all cosy curled up in couples and he basically wants to burn the house down with all of us inside it, which is also what Pitr wants to do to this podcast, but failing that I’m gonna go back to my couch and write something real incoherent in my journal and then stare unblinking into the darkness listening to Ted snore.

 

Paulo: Have fun! That is a scene, folks.