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Louder than words.

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You tugged at his shirt to get his undivided attention. His eyes looked at you with sadness. You’ve been told to come clean to him. You were asked what do you have to lose. A friend, you always answered. You could lose a friend. While not having a lover was something you could live without, losing a friend was not something you were ever prepared for. Getting rejected by Ignis twice in a lifetime is a bit too much. Therefore, you watched his eyes, his reactions, his body language. You were looking for a sign that would tell you to stop. But none came. In fact, he showed no signs at all. Green eyes simply observed you. Don’t make me lose a friend. You needed to tread carefully. Or, most surely, you should stop now. But then again, you couldn’t. The longing inside of you was too much to bear and contain and bare. Just one more step, one more touch. That was all you would allow yourself. Your forehead rested on his chest. His breathing so even and calm it started to calm you down as well.

“I hate for you to go so far away and for so long,” you mumbled against his chest. Maybe the Six would grace you with divine kindness and he will not recognize the feelings behind such wording. His hand rested on your shoulder, rubbing it soothingly.

“I shall be alright,” Ignis spoke gently. You felt his breath on the top of your head, single hairs moving upon meeting with warm breathing.

“You better,” you sighed deeply. You couldn’t help it as your whole body shuddered. He noticed. His hand wrapped around your shoulders, pulling you even closer. Upon his sudden gesture, you lifted your head to face him. There was nothing that betrayed him. Same collected and serene expression. But then you thought about how you looked right now. While emotions were boiling inside of you, strangely, there was a sense of peace. As if this is how everything was supposed to be going right now. The Astral themselves placed you two here like little play dolls.

“I…I will miss you,” you admitted to him. Yes, you will miss seeing him. You will miss his cooking too, but most importantly you will miss his presence within your reach. Were you taking him for granted?

“We will keep in touch,” he smiled. No, that’s not what you meant. Lack of communication was not something you feared. His absence is what you dreaded. The possible dangers he could encounter were bothering you. Lack of communication was nothing compared to hearing that something had happened to him on the road. Hearing that something happened and can never unhappen. This is what scared you the most. You dare say this to him and he will reassure you that this is just a road trip to Prince’s wedding. But the world is cruel and one unfortunate moment can do lifelong damage.

All this time you were looking at each other, trying to guess what the other was thinking. The first one to break eye contact was you. Your hand reached for his. Covered in leather, but still warm and comforting. The hand that was wrapped around your shoulder moved away. You wanted to whine at the lack of warmth and comfort it provided you with. But then you felt a gentle touch on your neck. His palm. And something in this green gaze changed. He was asking you a question. You nodded in consent. Whatever it was, you were agreeing beforehand. Ignis lowered himself to place a gentle kiss on your lips. You shut your eyes and decided to solely focus on the sensation. It was a moment of bliss. As you opened your eyes again, you noticed a slight change in his tranquil expression. There was a smile on his lips and so much more emotion behind his green eyes. You wondered what he saw in you right now. Could he read all the emotions inside you through your eyes? They are supposedly a window to one’s soul. And your soul loved his. You moved away, tagging him along with you. Would he follow you? He did. With the same affectionate smile and tender gaze, he followed the lead. You could not understand why. Was it because he was a man and you were a woman? Was it a simple physical attraction? Or — worst possible option — because he just could not say no out loud, decided not to disappoint you? So, you stopped inside your bedroom and looked at the man again. Was he sparing your feelings? As if knowing your thoughts, he cupped your cheeks and kissed you again. The kiss was different this time. It was not a chaste kiss. This kiss was long and full of sweet caress. His thumbs ran along your cheeks that were now betraying you with a pink blush. While his gentleness was welcomed and most appreciated, you realized that you knew nothing about expressing gentleness yourself. But you will try. You will try for him just as he was trying for you. Your fingers unbuttoned his shirt. Such a thoughtless deed. The kiss was broken when Ignis took off his shirt himself. His hands traveled to the bottom of your top to pull it over your head. Your hands undid the bra strap. The man pulled you in for a tight embrace and placed another kiss upon your lips. It was just like the previous one: long, sweet, and, dare you say, it was loving. And it felt stupefying to be pressed against his bare chest while half-naked yourself. Why was he doing this again? Perhaps he just wanted some physical intimacy with a woman before leaving the city for a long road trip. His hand traveled to your hair, pulling it slightly. A sigh. Yours. His soft and warm lips traveled down to your neck. Pure bliss filled you again, relaxing your body and your mind. Why was he doing this? Perhaps you should put an end to this. It would be better had you never even started it. Yet it felt so good. He unclouded your mind with his presence, his warmth and touch. Nothing else mattered except for this overwhelmingly satisfying fondness. 

“Why?” the question escaped your lips along with a trembling sigh. His touch was sending shivers down your spine. His touch alleviated your mind to a point of letting a bothering question escape your mind and into the real world.

“Hmm?” he was no longer kissing your neck. “Why?” It’s too late now to take back the words. Sadly, words are like wild birds. You can cage them, but if you let them escape they will never come back. They were free for anyone else to catch them.

“W-why?” lips quivering in shame and fear as you repeated the question. There was no immediate answer. And it terrified you more so.  He let go of you. Tight embrace was no longer pressing you close to him.

“Why?” he spoke under his breath. Finger by finger he was pulling on his gloves with one hand. The ministrations were so slow and careful. And they were not addressed towards you. YOu were just standing beside him with your chest bared. Half-nude, half-naked.

“You don’t always realize the gravity of your words,” Ignis said with a hint of a smile on his face. Your question… hurt him? One hand, freed of the leather glove, trailed back to you, pulling you against his chest again. Back into his engulfing warmth. The other hand, also ungloved, tangling in your hair. The heat and feel of his body sent pleasant tingles where your flesh touched. How can being nude and pressed against a man’s chest be more intimate? He managed to raise the stakes by taking off his gloves.

“That’s alright. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?” the man smiled genuinely now. Your hands reached for his face, pulling him for the very first kiss you were initiating. This may very well be a mistake. Self-respect may take a beating after this blissful error. Whatever, let you have this mistake. This way the two of you would have something you both regretted. He had his chance to back away, but he didn’t take it. Well, actions have consequences and so does the absence of action. Your moan, your shiver. His warmth, his comfort. As you broke the kiss, you wondered what else could you do to express the feelings you harboured. Tenderness. You needed to express it. And care. Most importantly, love. You needed to express all those feelings. Your nose touched his, rubbing against each other. Maybe you don’t need to think about it so hard. Maybe, just maybe, if you let it go it would just fall into place. A content smile appeared on man’s face. His hand ran through your hair again as he crooned in delight. Strong hands lifted you. Your hands instinctively wrapped around Ignis’s neck, feet dangling instinctively seeking some stability as you lost contact with the ground. He was looking at you as he walked to the bed. And your eyes met. Then came softness of bedsheets on your skin. The bed squeaked once under the weight of two bodies. You were laying beneath him hovered by his large frame. Ignis rested his forehead against yours. Long fingers were trailing your body but avoided sensitive areas. Quivering lips, trembling of the body in excitement. A touch of his lips against yours. A muffled moan. His. You pulled his body closer to yours, longing for all the warmth he radiated. Oh, there were so many words you wanted to say. But actions spoke louder than words. A quick kiss on his neck, a quick kiss on his collarbone. Tenderness, love, and care. How do you express them? Same fast-placed kiss on his chin. I. Adam’s apple. Love. Jugular notch. You. Spectacles fell from Ignis’s face and onto yours. It was not painful or irritating, quite the opposite, you laughed at the impact.

“Forgive me,” the man said, taking the glasses from your face and placing them on the bed counter.

“It’s alright, I’m alright,” you mumbled shyly. Now that the mood was broken and the cloud of pleasure vanished from your head, you felt naked. You were nude. But now you felt naked as the cold air made you shudder and you realized the gravity of it all. And he could see you. Even without his glasses, you knew that his eyesight wasn’t as bad as you wished it was right now. He could see you still rather vividly. Too vividly for your liking. Hands intuitively covered your breast from the man hovering above you. As if you didn't spend so many minutes already barechested while he had his glasses on.

“Forgive me,” Ignis said again. His gaze rested on your face. You shook your head, “As I said, it’s nothi-“

“No,” he cut you off, smiling shyly. He felt naked now too. And he was nude just you were.

“Forgive me for I won’t be able to see you as clearly,” his lips pressed together in regret. To offer solace your hand reached his face, your thumb traveling just under his eye.

“It’s alright,” you reassured him. Eyesight was not the most important sense right now. His nose touched yours. A gesture of affection you initiated before. Ignis placed a not-so-chaste kiss just above your collarbone. The mood you deemed ruined never was truly ruined and gone. You bit your lip to trap the sound of pleasure that was daring to break free. Your hands on his back, fingers writing a simple message on his skin. I love you.

The kisses. His and yours and shared. Heavy breaths, tender caress, loving gazes, whispers of sweet want. The silence around you shaken by the sounds of pleasure. Yours, his. Feverish kisses placed wherever and lingering on the skin moment longer. Needy touches travelling blindly along the body. Your body, his touches. His body, your touches. Begging in silence. Yet you were begging for different things. You were begging for him to stay knowing it was in vain. He was begging for you to forgive him for leaving knowing you already did. Frantic kisses that broke just as fast as they started. Same three words on your lips that you dared not to speak. I love you. It was pure joy, bliss, and rapture. The hectic breathing didn’t matter. The sweat covering your bodies mattered not. He kissed you one last time before giving in to exhaustion. He kissed you yearningly, lovingly, lamentably. The latter also didn’t matter. You feared to fail at caress and tenderness. Yet you succeeded, you knew it by his pleased and content expression. He must know what you wished for but not dared to say. He must now what you were trying to tell him with your kisses. He could have understood the message you were writing on his back. Or he knew so much just by looking into your eyes. But you had no doubt that he knew what mattered. And you were tender and loving and caring as much you could. Because you very much wanted to. What else is there left to tell? After all, it was he who believed that actions spoke louder than words.

You woke up alone as always. He was already gone. Of course, he would. In its own way, it’s for the best. No awkward morning talk, no need for explanations or, worse, excuses. If he regrets it, it’s his choice. You did not. Blurry eyes didn’t see a white sheet of paper on white pillow immediately, but when you did, you took it in your hands. It’s from him. Who else could it be?

Dearest,

Forgive me for I am a fool. I am well aware of how many times I asked your forgiveness as of late but I must ask for it again. Forgive me, a fool, who so firmly believed that actions spoke louder than words. While I hope that my actions spoke to you, they alone did not sate my yearning. There are still words, so many words that I wish to say to you.

P.S. I apologize for not answering your question for I did not have the strength to do so in the moment. I’m afraid my answer is selfish to an unacceptable degree. I am afraid I shall not stop asking your forgiveness any time soon.

You asked me why. Well, it was because I very, very much wanted to.

Ignis Scientia

The note spoke so many things to you. Things that were not mentioned directly, but that was Ignis. He made his feelings known to you without using grand words or explicit descriptions. And you loved it. There would be no guilt for not saying these words yourself. One day when you are both ready, you will say them out loud and, maybe, even for the whole world to hear. But for now, this was plenty. This was more than enough to get by.  

“Me too, Ignis,” you pressed the note to your chest. “Me too.”