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This is a ride not a fight

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Katie is tired of this. Katie is tired of feeling this way; jealous, stupid, wanting. Mostly, she just wants to stop wanting. She wants to sit on her bed while Emily sits on hers, and they’ll paint their nails and speak twin and smile, actually fucking smile at each other—not some awful thing that’s happened, or some stupid joke on the telle.

Katie’s done with being the older twin, and she wishes she could tell Emily that, just sit her down and say it. “Fuck, Ems. You try it for awhile.” You try caring and feeling and needing all the bloody time and keeping it all locked up. Not as easy to hide as a box of fannies, neither. Katie doesn’t know what Emily is thinking anymore. Katie doesn’t remember the last time she knew what Emily was thinking, now that things are rewritten.

(It means something, too, if Katie knows. It means something else.)

Katie wants to run the water hot and loud and forget she even has a sister. She’ll forget she goes to college—forget about this whole fucking year. Run it down the sodding drain. Katie wonders if she’ll ever look in the mirror and not see Not-Emily. Katie wonders what Emily sees.

Katie wonders what Naomi sees.

Katie buries her life in soap suds, head buzzing with the wanting that never-fucking-stops. She’d give everything—if she has anything left—for it all to stop for a day, for an hour, for Emily to look at her with the eyes that she used to. For Emily to see her with quiet eyes, eyes that aren’t wild and willful and alone. She wants Emily to hear her—and she’ll listen too!—in voices only they can understand. Nothing else will matter because nothing ever did.

(Katie doesn’t have to wonder what Naomi sees. That means something.)


Naomi knows right away that it isn’t Emily. “What are you doing here?”

A hand through red hair, no pretense. “I need to know what Emily feels.”

Naomi barks a laugh. “Sorry. Not interested.”

Hands by her side, flinching.

“You know, it’s possible you need therapy.” Naomi half-smirks.

Katie looks down before reaching out to touch Naomi’s cheek. Naomi shivers, releases a breath, but doesn’t move. Katie looks into crystal eyes and sees Emily in the reflection. “You’ll do.”