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Charlie the Sorting Hat

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“So this hat reads their minds and tells them what Hogwarts house to live in?” Cas questioned, picking up a frosted broomstick sugar cookie.

“Sorta?” Sam answered. He shifted the bowl of popcorn on his lap, sitting up straighter. “It uses magic to interpret what they’re thinking and talk to them in their own mind.”

“Strange,” Cas muttered, nibbling on the cookie.

“It’s magic, Cas!” Charlie burst out, a replica of the Sorting Hat perched on her head. Dean tried to steal it when he passed by her chair with cold bottles of beer for everyone but she clung to it and glared at it. “Hands off Winchester! I’ll learn the equivalent of the Bat-Bogey Hex.”

“Bat-Bogey Hex?” Cas tilted his head to the side. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean plopped on the couch next to Cas, leaning against him. “It’s not really important.”

Hunts had slowed down since the four of them had teamed up with Rowena and Crowley to remove the Mark of Cain from Dean. Rowena had found a spell that trapped the Mark in a vessel. The only problem with the spell was the grace of a seraphim was one of the ingredients. After heated debates and even more heated making up, Cas convinced Dean that he was more than willing to become human if it meant that Dean would be free of the Mark. Not long after, the two of them got married when the country legalized same-sex marriages. Charlie had cried happy tears when Cas had asked her to be his best woman.

Now, the four of them were able to spend a nice chunk of time decompressing at the bunker, catching Cas up on all of the pop culture that Metatron had downloaded into his brain. This week Charlie had dubbed Harry Potter Extravaganza. 

“Have any of you ever taken a Sorting Hat quiz?” Charlie grabbed a few of the tasty sugar cookies she and Dean had baked yesterday.

“Yeah,” Sam said. “I’m always either Ravenclaw or Slytherin. It’s a pretty even split on both.”

Studying him, Charlie finally nodded. “I could see both.”

“What do you mean?” Dean interjected. “How is Sam a Slytherin? Ravenclaw I get, the big nerd, but Slytherin?”
“Come on Dean, don’t tell me you believe in that archaic “Gryffindor is good, Ravenclaw is smart, Slytherin is bad and Hufflepuff is other” system?” Charlie arched an eyebrow at him. 

“I don’t know!” Dean protested. “I’ve never really put much thought into it. Explain why Sam would be a Slytherin.”

“Well,” Charlie said, “to start with he has some of the traits no question. He’s ambitious, driven, self-reliant, charming, prepared, and a bit of a perfectionist at times. And yes, Sam is smart but a Slytherin trait is to use your intelligence as a tool to achieve your goals, which I think we can both agree Sam does.”

Dean found himself nodding. “Makes sense. Am I at least right in saying that you’re a Ravenclaw?”

“Yup!” she said. “Luna is my spirit animal.”

“Who would have thought though, Gryffindor and Slytherin brothers who aren’t pitted against each other.”

Charlie burst out laughing. “Unless you have a brother you haven’t told me about, you don’t have a Gryffindor in your family.”

“Excuse you?” Dean said. “I’m a Gryffindor.”

“Oh sweetie,” Charlie straightened up, taking the Sorting Hat off of her head. “No, you’re not. You’re very much a Hufflepuff.”

“Can you believe this?” Dean asked, turning to Sam. “Why are you nodding?”

Sam shrugged. “You know, it makes sense.”

Crossing his arms, Dean groaned. “Fine. Explain.”

Charlie took a deep breath. “First, Hufflepuffs get a bad rap. That’s kind of JK’s fault. She neglected to really put any characters with substance in the series from Hufflepuff. Lapse of judgement but oh well. Hufflepuffs are hard-working, tenacious, loyal, honest, giving, practical, passionate, and accepting. All of which you are Dean. They also don’t give their loyalty freely. They are very selective with it but, once you have it, they’re completely loyal. Sound familiar?

Dean opened his mouth but Charlie cut him off.

“Plus, Tonks was a Hufflepuff. She was an absolute badass queen. Just saying.”

Castiel piped up, “That does sound like you Dean. The just and loyal part. It’s something I’ve always admired about you. You don’t love in halves.”

“Let’s say you have me convinced,” Dean said. “Answer this, oh wise one. Where would Castiel be?”

Charlie stared at Cas for a few minutes. “Okay I think I’ve got it. He would potentially be a hatstall on Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. He exhibits a lot of the same Hufflepuff tendencies you do 

Dean: loyalty, hard-working, practical and accepting. But he also has several Ravenclaw traits like being analytical, introspective, resigned cynic. But several of his more Ravenclaw traits are a direct correlation to his angelic nature. If he had been a regular human, would he have been as much of a cynic and as introspective? Hard to tell. I lean towards Hufflepuff though.”

“We’re the same house,” Cas beamed at Dean. 

“Yes, yes we are babe,” Dean gently kissed him.