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Recipe for Reconciliation

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Severus Snape:
If Severus had ever held proper respects for Albus Dumbledore, which he had once upon a time, it had probably been lost with the array of bad decisions the man had been guilty of, in Severus’s time at Hogwarts. He wanted to believe he trusted the man with his life, but at this point, they were both equally using one another to achieve their goals, well aware of it. Dumbledore rarely made fatal mistakes, luckily, but his sentiment was clearly getting the better of the old man, more often than not.

Hiring Remus Lupin had been absolute lunacy. Plainly put, it was a terrible idea, and Dumbledore must very well have realized it was a bad idea. No matter the fact that having a werewolf back at the school could be dangerous, it hadn’t been a problem back in their own school days, not too much of a problem, and it wasn’t the main reason Severus was bothered.

Lupin was a friend of the Potters, a close friend, someone who knew far too much, and who knew Severus far too personally; he needed to remain a safe distance from the new teacher, and old… research specimen. Even worse yet when the lunatic and traitor Sirius Black and been on the loose. Simply because Dumbledore had vaguely explained that Black wasn’t responsible for the murders to Severus, not giving any further detail, after the recent incidents, didn’t mean he would hold Black in any higher regard than before.

While Severus well understood why Dumbledore would want to help the werewolf, and make certain he had an occupation, the Potions Professor would have expected the other to understand the urgency of their goals, and that they couldn’t be compromised in such manners. He would have expected the other to, but it seemed to have been in vain. 

Very much on purpose had the Potions Professor maintained high walls around himself and everyone else, and had remained very unpleasant, even worse than previous years, towards the students. He made certain to avoid Lupin at all costs. It hadn’t helped in the end, he had been put in a position where he had to outright defend Harry Potter and his friends from the beast, which was very problematic and difficult to explain for the man who was supposed to want the child dead; it had turned into quite the mess.

The werewolf in his natural human shape was… a lot more intimidating than he used to be. He had not seen the other since school years, and hadn’t expected the man to be so… forward, witty and nosy. The way he talked back to Severus on occasion during the year had truly been inconvenient and annoying. Growing up, they both had changed quite a bit, but probably for different reasons entirely. Severus hadn’t quite forgiven the other, because there was nothing to forgive. Not only had it been reasonable, back in his school days, to spend time with the Death Eaters out of necessity, for his own safety, but it had paved the way for the intricate plan that was currently in motion. He regretted nothing of it, and to this very day, simply found that Lupin had been acting like a child back then, and they had drifted apart due to the other’s lack of understanding of his friends and surroundings. It had probably been fated to happen, sooner or later. 

Still, Lupin had the audacity to call them… lovers, to act as if there had been something more than two desperate and lonely teenagers who believed they would never once in life experience intimacy unless they took the chance that had been presented to them. All those feelings akin to, all the Great Wizards forbid, love, was something Severus had ripped out of his own being and buried somewhere far off in his mind where he shouldn’t think of it. Meeting the grown up werewolf had only complicated matters a lot, forced some… sentiment to resurface. Of course, he had given it thought, when Lupin first returned to Hogwarts; he had been curious about what sort of life the werewolf had led, who he had become. Yet, there was no time for being nosy, and he couldn’t possibly hope for Lupin to understand what he was trying to achieve, and what means of sacrifice was necessary for the end goal; he had never understood in the past, there was no reason to expect he would after all these years.

He didn’t know exactly why he had given the potion bottles to the man, in person; perhaps curiosity had gotten the better of him, in the end. He very much regretted said decision as he left. He… wasn’t planning on seeing the other before he left, it was simply something he had said in the spur of the moment, once he gave it an actual thought, it was probably a disastrous idea. If he tried hard, he might be able to avoid Lupin altogether the last four days of the man’s stay at the school, and then, things would finally revert back to normal… or so he had thought. 

A familiar voice called to him, and startled him enough to flinch just the tiniest bit. He spun around to see Lupin… and immediately looked as displeased as he felt. It wasn’t that per say that he didn’t want to talk to the man, at all, it was the fact that he couldn’t quite afford to.

“Sorry to… bother you, but I realized that I have to talk to you.”

Wonderful… that was fairly predictable. He would have hoped to get around the matter without an outright refusal. 

“...What could be so important that it couldn’t wait until tomorrow?” He commented, trying well to show just how displeased he was with the development. Lupin had always been quite like a persistent dog, and now when he was so much more… forward, Severus did not expect to be able to fend off the man all too easily. 

As predicted, Lupin hurried down to his side, like a dog returning to its Master… what a bizarre thought; it was a thought he immediately suppressed. 

The other explained how Severus would likely keep on avoiding him, and it was quite unsettling to know that the other man could read him so very well. This was all turning into quite the headache.

“...You won’t accept a no, will you?” 

“I won’t.”

Very much involuntarily, Severus felt a hint of something which he hadn’t felt in years at end. He… couldn’t place a name on it, but it originated from the intensity of the other’s gaze, how very important it seemed to be for them to speak to one another, how it mattered, how he mattered to Lupin.

“Come with me, then,” he finally replied, realising that there was no room to argue with the werewolf, not with his seemingly newfound boost of confidence. If anything, he needed to make absolutely certain that no one would be listening in to their conversation. He lead the other back to his own living quarters in the castle, simply because he knew it was the one place where he could make absolutely certain that no one, absolutely no one, would be able to listen in or spy on them; he had made sure of that. If worked very well in both prospects because it meant that the… others expected him to be hiding things from Dumbledore and the other teachers. 

He closed the door behind them on his own, watching the werewolf expectantly, not saying a word. 



Remus Lupin:
As the Potions Professor closed the door behind them, Remus was hit with uncertainty. Had he made a mistake in following the man? He didn’t think he had, but the atmosphere in the room was… tense. The werewolf’s nose was hit with strange scents, sour, sweet, something smelled ever so slightly rancid. The room clearly worked as a sort of potions lab and office, with a separate bedroom somewhere, most likely behind the door to the right of Remus. After all, nobody made potions in their bedroom, that was just silly to think. Remus tried his hardest to keep his nose under control, but the scents finally became so much that he sneezed. He took a few deep breaths, and tried to breathe through his mouth and not his nose. If Snape wanted to place the werewolf in a position where he couldn’t smell the other man’s mood, he had picked the perfect place for those scents to be drowned out.

Remus didn’t quite like to have his sense of smell taken away from him like this, but he couldn’t exactly complain about Snape’s home smelling like, well, like a Potion Professor’s room was likely to smell like. They were in the dungeons, so there were no windows in the office, something that Snape had most likely taken into consideration, since he had a lot of sensitive materials and ingredients spread out on shelves in the room. The room itself wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable or unwelcoming, but the number of eyes floating in jars around the room was slightly jarring. 

Remus realized that Snape hadn’t moved, and thus, he turned back to him. The werewolf realized that the man’s posture was a lot better than when they had been children, the man was clearly not trying to hide behind his hair anymore, and it somehow made the werewolf rather happy. Not only because he liked seeing the man’s face, no, that would be silly. It just felt… pleasant, to know that Snape no longer felt the need to hide himself from the world. 

He hesitated slightly, before opting to grab the toad by the middle, and get straight to the most painful part. “I heard from the children… that you jumped in front of them to… well, protect them from me.” He avoided to look straight at the other man’s eyes, curling together slightly as he spoke. “I don’t… remember anything, and I feel like I should scold you for being so… brave. Obviously, I won’t, uh… but… I need to ask, are you alright? I, uh… hit you with my claws, right? Please, I...” He had not expected himself to feel that desperately frightened again, it felt as if he was back to being a child, back to being scared of having poisoned another human with his beastly venom. “I won’t feel certain until you tell me yourself: you weren’t infected, right? And you will be okay, they’ve made certain that you are patched up again, correct?” Remus was ramling, and he knew it, but he had never been too good with words, not when it really mattered, which was why he found it more important to try and get his mind spoken, rather than hesitate and leave things unsaid. He did not want to continuously make mistakes when it came to actually speaking with Snape.

Chapter Text

Severus Snape:  



It seemed that Remus Lupin hadn’t changed much, after all. 

Before Severus stood a grown man who was covering together like an ashamed pup, like the man used to react as a teenager, before he had quite grown into himself; perhaps it had been a bit foolish to consider that there had been too much of a change.

To his own discomfort he found that he might very well have wanted to pet the other’s head, in an effort to calm the other down. Of course, such sentiment wouldn’t serve either of them well at this point, and it felt beyond ridiculous to feel a connection to the man still, after of the passing years. 

Instead, he opted for making no change, sounding as distant and disapproving as ever, trying to remain matter-of-factly. “I am a teacher, they’re my students; protecting them is in fact a risk that comes with the description of the occupation, I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.” It was a sufficient truth,  even if there was more to it.

He couldn’t admit the truth, it wouldn’t do.

“Oh please, would you cease the yapping. I am fine, not infected, and your cut hardly made any more damage than Black’s spell.” Speaking of Black, he should not let the chance which had presented itself slip away.

“Now, after the commotion and mess you caused, at the very least, you owe me an explanation of exactly what happened before you turned, in every detail,” he demanded. Dumbledore wasn’t telling him the whole story, and he’d not be able to properly rest until he knew.

 



Remus Lupin:
The werewolf visibly relaxed, he very much looked as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and he could be none the happier. He didn’t mind the other being stern with him, while it would have felt like an insult to be compared to a dog by somebody else, when it was just Snape, and they were alone, Remus couldn’t find any actual malice behind the words, meaning that there was nothing there to be bothered by. “Good…” He was about to continue speaking, but Snape was a lot faster than him, and bit back with clear intent right away. 

Remus hesitated, he looked around the room, but not because he was searching for something, he was only doing what he could to avoid Snape’s eyes in the least suspect manner. He failed, he could tell without being able to feel Snape’s scent. “It’s… not that I am avoiding the topic, I… will tell you about it, but there is something else I feel like… I have to talk about first.” He pushed his hands into his pockets, stubbornly beginning a staring battle with a dead creature in a jar. 

“Back then, when we stopped being around each other, don’t worry, I won’t call us friends, I know how you don’t like that.” He didn’t mean to mock the other, but Remus was still a tiny bit upset that Snape had never seen him as a friend, at all. It was silly, yes, but he could not help to be slightly annoyed with the other’s refusal of his friendship. “Back then, I blamed you for your poor choice of friends, and I still hold that you are better than a Death Eater, and always have been, I’ve realized that you didn’t actually have much of an option. I don’t hold it against you for choosing to surround yourself with people who would keep you safe. In reality… my friends weren’t very good either. Sirius has been an outright… anti friend, in many aspects. I wasn’t a very good friend towards Peter either…” His expression soured as he spoke about the man, but he tried to not dwell on his emotions towards said man, he would have time to properly evaluate it later. “James too, he wasn’t a good person. None of us were, and you should never have been put through anything like what they...we… forced you to put up with for all those years. I want to blame it on us being stupid children, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve suffered because of us, and it was never anything but unfair. I’m… truly, honestly sorry. I’m sorry we chased you into the Death Eater’s group. I never had the right to judge you for picking bad company, just so that you might feel safe.” 

Remus had gone over that speech in his head many times, but he found it impossibly hard to face the man as he spoke. It was even worse when he couldn’t feel the other’s scent, to figure out what Snape was feeling. The werewolf bit his lip, and glanced over at the other, only to quickly look away again. “I know it won’t change anything, and I’m honestly not expecting you to forgive anyone of us, but I at least wanted to tell you what I feel about it. Just how… much I regret that we pushed you into such horrid company. I wished I could… change it? That I had done something more to help you. But I didn’t, and it’s all on me. I… am sorry.”



Severus Snape: 

“You’re correct, sorry will certainly not cut it.”

He needed to snap back, to do something, to say something, to defend himself against the wave of emotions the other poured at him. Oh, he bloody well knew that it was a terrible idea to see the other. He felt, something, again. That terrible something which had caused such a stir within him all those years back, like it had been there all along. 

He couldn’t help but to let out a disapproving snort, thinking about their friendship. He wasn’t any longer a child, he knew very well that Lupin had been his friend, perhaps his best friend. While Lily had been his closer friend for a longer period of time, she had turned away from him the second things had gotten unpleasant, the second he made a mistake, without an ounce of forgiveness or understanding. Lupin had, back then, come to him, and tried to make sense of the situation, tried so very hard to understand, instead of chasing him away like the rest. Even if Lily had forgiven him later on, with the years, realizing how childish the grudge had been, it wouldn’t earn her any extra points, seeing that Lupin had come to the exact same conclusion, and that was without even asking for further input.

Seeing how… dreadful the other looked in such a sorry state, Severus accidentally spoke with a softer tone than intended. “Don’t be such a child, of course we were friends, even if you were quite a terrible friend…” There, he admitted it. He had hoped to not have to admit it, denying anything they had ever had in common had worked as a measure to push the other further away, but it wasn’t working like this, not upon confrontation.

The other’s regrets were getting to him, and he felt like he needed to switch topic very quickly to not lose the persona he had so carefully crafted and kept ever since Lily’s death. It was… getting harder to not let it slip; this was a mistake.

He didn’t regret how things had turned out, had he not been so severely abused by Lupin’s friends back in the day, his current task would have become a lot more difficult.

“Now, cease the sulking and explain to me, what exactly happened at the Shack. Where is Black?”

 



Remus Lupin:
Somehow, he had hoped that maybe, just maybe, Snape wouldn’t be so harsh in stating the truth. A small, unrealistic part of him had wanted to hear that it was in the past, and that he would be forgiven. It seemed the wounds had been far too deep to be so easily excused. Still, he hadn’t said it because he wanted to be forgiven, he had spoken up about it because it was the truth, and because it needed to be said. Forgiveness might not have been an actual possibility, but at least he had finally admitted to having been in the wrong. It was a relief to once and for all get that off his shoulders. 

Snape’s voice changed to a somewhat softer tone, causing the werewolf to look up at the other, and over towards his face. It made him feel a tad better to be called the other’s friend, but not enough to make him feel all fine. If he actually had had a tail, it would have wagged a little. Remus had been thinking of Snape as an old friend for a long time, but to actually have it stated by the other man, it certainly made his chest feel warm. 

The Potions Professor brought his attention back to the actual task at hand, and he gave a subtle sigh, before starting to slowly pace around in the room. As he walked, he looked at the ingredients on the shelves, trying to keep himself from feeling too emotional about the topic. “Firstly, I don’t know where Sirius is. I have no way of knowing that, as I was a little busy out in the woods.” He commented dryly. “As for what actually happened: did you never find it odd that Sirius would betray his best friend to he-who-must-not-be-mentioned? I did too, but the facts were overwhelming at the time, and I nobody would allow me to speak to Sirius alone before they locked him away…” 

He continued to tell Snape, whom he found that he trusted enough to reveal the Animagi secret which his friends had kept hidden from the world, the story of how his friends had turned into animals way back in school, so that they may keep him company. He told him that Sirius had changed the terms of the contract which would keep the Potters safe, and how it had backfired when Peter had headed straight to Voldemort with his secret. He told of Sirius’ chase, and how he had somehow figured out where Peter was hiding. Remus made quite certain to avoid mentioning the Marauder’s map, and how it had assisted both Sirius and himself in the chase to find Peter, and one another. 

“It… is my fault.” Remus finished, having halted his pacing, facing the wall instead of Snape. “If I’d only… taken my potion, like I should have, none of this would have happened. Sirius would be a free man, Peter would have to answer for his crimes, like Harry wanted, and… things would have been fine. I don’t think I can quite ever… forgive myself. The transformation has always been… I’ve always been a problem, but… I’ve never caused this much damage.” He sighed, and leaned his forehead against the cold stone wall.

“...I don’t think I have to say it, but no one can know about them being Animagi. I’ll never witness for such a thing, and you probably don’t know what Sirius looks like.” He had avoided mentioning anyone’s transformation but Peter’s rat shape. He wasn’t sure if Snape knew that his old bully could turn into a dog or not, but he wasn’t about to state it if Snape didn’t know. “Sirius is innocent. He…” Remus hesitated, before he continued, “he didn’t kill Lily and James. He never betrayed them. So please let him run. I don’t want him to be locked away in Azkaban again. It will be my fault if he is.” The last words were spoken in a whisper. 



Severus Snape: 

The werewolf did quite formidably in explaining the circumstances in detail, and Severus could tell that it was difficult for the other, seeing it also held details and secrets which he did not want anyone to know. He couldn’t care less for whether the entire company if fools had been animagi, it wasn’t any of his business… no, Severus was quite busy realizing something else, the more the other spoke.

He remained silent throughout the entire story; there was no point in stating that yes, he would have believed Black to betray his friend out of jealousy and spite, knowing well how he had acted in the past; Severus had been given no reason to mention to think differently of the escaped prisoner. Still, he believed Lupin, word by word, and that was becoming quite problematic.

He decided to move over to his desk, and sit down, he… needed to sit down. Quite suddenly, he realised well why Dumbledore had decided against explaining the entirety of the situation to him. He ended up staring into the wall, biting his lower lip in frustration, which was more than he wanted to admit. It was a lot to take in, even if it wasn’t any surprise that Pettigrew would turn out to be a traitorous little pest. Most alien of a feeling was realizing that no, he quite hated Sirius Black, it was etched into his very being to feel uncomfortable at the mentioning of the name; everything the man had put him through in his days still remained. Even if he did hate Black with a passion, that was not what made him uncomfortable in the very scenario, it was not difficult to have the slightest bit of relief in knowing that perhaps Black had grown up, even if only a little. Through the course of Lily forgiving him, he had also experienced, if only a little, James Potter changing into a less unpleasant person, he was aware the boy had grown up to become… less of all that had been so very despicable about him. It wasn’t impossible to believe that Black could have undergone, albeit a lesser, transformation, as well. 

He kept his eyes fixated on the wall, as he pondered if anyone knew. Did the Others know; had they been keeping it a secret from him all the time; was he not enough trusted to know the truth, or had the Dark Lord simply opted to keep it a secret from everyone. It would prove very problematic if they did not trust him with such detail, but even more so if they knew the fact that he knew the truth.

Frankly, it wasn’t even a matter of whether or not he wanted to keep Black’s secret, or let him go, he couldn’t let people know the truth, and thus couldn’t chase after Black or Pettigrew, besides, he had no reason to. It was… complicated, but they couldn’t get to know the truth, meaning that he was locked in position, and Dumbledore had probably opted, the fool he was, to spare Severus the pain of being locked in a difficult position.

He turned to face the werewolf that was looking at him expectantly, worriedly, ashamed… Yes, he was quite right to be ashamed for the commotion he had caused, but the distraction and failure to capture Pettigrew would probably serve in favour for all the schemes the werewolf would be completely clueless to, it actually served Severus better than the alternative.

He clicked his tongue in annoyance before he spoke; “I’m not so cruel as to try and use your misfortune to hurt someone I don’t like.”

He almost smiled after that, feeling that it was quite the clever commentary, just about almost.

 



Remus Lupin:
Was it their fault? His, Sirius’ and James’ fault, that Peter had turned against them, selling James to the Dark Lord? Remus hated to think that it was their fault, Peter had always been weak willed, it probably wouldn’t be very hard to break him. The werewolf knew that he was trying to push the blame onto Peter, rather than accepting that they had influenced him into turning against them. Remus didn’t want to think of it, so when Snape spoke up, giving him a reason to not be locked in with his own thoughts, he welcomed it wholeheartedly. 

He had not expected to hear those words from his old friend. He had not expected to be calmed so easily, by a line Snape was simply repeating from so many years ago. A weak laughter left the werewolf’s lips, and he let his own forehead bump against the wall, allowing that tiny bit of pain to restore him back to the matter at hand. 

“I’ve only heard bad things about you, from the students.” He switched topics, as he moved around to stand in the middle of the room, in front of the man’s desk. “I was rather glad when I heard that you actually became a teacher, but I certainly wasn’t expecting you to be so feared. Really, you’re a better person than to treat your students like this, so what is actually happening?” With the worst things over with, Remus wanted to start asking the questions which had confused him so. Mainly to do with Snape’s behavior towards his students. Despite the man trying to deny it, Remus knew, most likely thanks to the dog instincts, that Snape wasn’t as bad as he wanted people to think he was. Snape was clever, he had always been a genius, and the whole ‘abusing students for his own amusement or fulfilment,’ simply didn’t add up. There was a small risk that the person before him truly was all those things that the students claimed him to be, but that would mean that Sirius Black had been right about Snape all along. Remus could not think of a single time where Sirius was actually right about anything which required emotional evaluation.  



Severus Snape: 

When the other looked upon him, he forced the displeased expression back onto his face, but it was getting increasingly difficult to keep the facade up. He was relieved that he could assist the other in calming down, and the relief was… unsettling.

Not to mention, Lupin opted to switch the topic of conversation to something which he very much did not want to talk about, or admit even the slightest bit about, to the werewolf. The tiniest bit of surprise was probably written all over his face, before he looked away, not quickly enough realizing that it probably wouldn’t assist his cause to avoid eye contact. 

By Merlin’s beard, this was the very foundation of why speaking to the werewolf would be a mistake. Even if Lupin had trusted him with a lot of secrets just a few moments ago, Severus couldn’t find the courage to believe in the other enough to be honest, he had worked too hard to risk losing for showing trust.

He once more clicked his tongue disapprovingly, took a deep breath, and prepared himself for just a moment. Right after the pause he got up, and glared at the other, looking quite annoyed, “I think that is right about enough,” he spat, trying to find a way back to his earlier demeanor and behaviour, but it seemed the road had started to twist strangely, making it harder. “It’s getting late and I have no intentions of entertaining you further. I forgive you, I don’t care what happened all those years back, it’s in the past, now leave.”

With a flick of the wand, the door to the corridor opened up, and he himself got up, heading towards his bedroom, knowing well that Lupin could be impossibly stubborn and nosy. It just then hit him that it was an advantage to be in a room filled with such strong scents, something he had honestly not considered until that point; it was a relief, because it would make his act all the more believable. He intended to retreat to his bedroom, hoping a closed door would keep the dog at bay. 

Internally, he cursed his own weakness. He knew well that he was happy to see the man again, somewhere inside him, he had just… almost forgotten what it felt like.

 



Remus Lupin:
There was a long silence, it looked to him as if the other man was thinking of something, when Snape all of a sudden got up, and glared at him. The look he was given was the same one he had been given when accidentally running into Harry and Snape, when the former had sneaked out from his dorm to venture about around the castle, with the help of the Marauders' map. The following behavior was… strange. He didn’t doubt that the other was annoyed with him, but that level of aggression was definitely false. There was no need for the man in front of him to get that aggressive, unless he was hiding something. Even more so, Snape hastily forgave him, in other words, throwing everything at him at once, with the intent of chasing him away. 

Remus glanced behind himself as the door opened behind him, but he made no attempt to move towards it. Instead, he moved forward, and got in front of the other man, blocking his path to the bedroom. “In four days, I won’t be able to return here, to Hogwarts. You almost never leave the castle, and according to the other teachers, you almost never respond to letters either. If I leave now, I highly doubt we will ever speak again, and I don’t want that.” He stubbornly stared into the other man’s eyes, because he found that he had nothing to lose. If Snape insisted on throwing him out, he could go along with that, but there was something so very off with the hastily manner in which the other was bolting for his own bedroom, that Remus couldn’t help but feel very suspicious of the man’s earlier statements.  

“If you don’t want to talk about that, you don’t have to, I have plenty of other questions. You know that I don’t have many friends, and after having been confirmed a werewolf to the general public, I highly doubt I will get any more friends anytime soon. Would it truly be such a crime for me to spend the night chatting with an old friend? You don’t have work tomorrow, you can afford to sleep in, can’t you?” He tried to reason with the other man, while also trying to remain resolute in his desire to not leave.

Chapter Text

Severus Snape:
He knew that Lupin wouldn’t be quite so easily convinced, and he expected to have to quite literally shut the other out, if he was to escape the company of the man. What the Professor had not expected was finding the werewolf a literal obstacle between him and the door, and the array of curses his mind worked through was likely best forgotten there and then, never to be uttered.

Speaking with the other was a terrible idea, he knew it was, and yet he had allowed it to happen. Well, no actually, the fault very likely lay with Dumbledore’s foolish sentiment, and the fact that he had been forcefully reunited with his old friend against his will. He hadn’t expected to be able to outrun Lupin the entire year, and had very well managed to swallow down the, outright foolish, disappointment he had felt when the werewolf hadn’t made that much of an effort to see him, making it altogether very easy to escape. 

It was as if Lupin had an outright habit of putting him in all too difficult situations. For a moment, something utterly shameful occured to the man, as he avoided the other’s eyes, hiding behind his hair, before he himself even noticed. He could feel the utterly unfamiliar feeling of his heart sinking, which was absolutely preposterous and not something which should be possible at that point; having his heart sink would imply it hadn’t taken up permanent residence in the deepest darkest pit of his own being. 


Upon Lily’s death, Severus had made a decision, one which would shape the entirety of his life onwards, and he had been prepared for all the sacrifice it would come with his decision. He had by then thought that the werewolf, who became the reason and cause behind his most successful and important potion creation, would never again appear in his life.

Strangely, cruelty became a habit. It wasn’t very difficult, not once one got properly into the practice. It had become almost shamefully easy to be despicable, once he let himself fall into habit. It was further quite a lot more manageable to face the dislike of everyone around him when he had earned it, all on his own.

Carefully, he glanced up at the man who was blocking his way, from behind his hair before he heaved out a sigh. No, no he couldn’t do that with Lupin, the man had suffered too much, and he… knew him too well.

In lack of a better option, he probably couldn’t do much but giving in. Lupin seemed to understand that he did not desire to discuss his teaching habits, and it would likely be less suspicious than forcing the other out. Strangely, he realised that he hadn’t reached for his wand in discomfort.

“... Fine, if that’s what you so desperately want,” he tried to spit the words, but it probably didn’t sound as venomous as he had intended. He needed to quickly quench the happiness which he felt from just how much the other wanted to see him, despite the received treatment through the past year. 

He would have to find another way to get out of the situation. 



Remus Lupin: 

Suddenly, he was back at Hogwarts, in his teenage years. He was standing in front of Severus Snape, in the old Shack, standing before the Slytherin who actually wished to help bring about a better life for the tortured werewolf. He was standing before the teenager, watching the smaller boy retreat back into his hair, his sanctuary, and go silent. Remus blinked, trying to desperately wrestle away the desire to touch the man in front of him, to reach out and be a comfort to him, the only way he knew the other truly appreciated. The situation was different now, he couldn’t simply… pounce like an animal, that would be very, very inappropriate. 

Just when he had almost managed to suppress all the urges to touch the other, Snape looked up at him with meek, kind eyes, probably much more meeker and kinder than the man himself had expected, making it very hard to keep his hands by his side. The silence lingered a little longer, until Snape finally allowed him to stay. His words were probably supposed to be venomous, but they didn’t quite reach that point. They sounded annoyed, if anything, but were not close to venomous. 

Remus gave him a smile, and stepped to the side to allow the other man to close the door to the study, and opened the one to his bedroom. It was very hard to control the urge to push past the other, and begin to explore the new room, but he managed. Snape’s bedroom did not have any of the smells from the study, it smelled slightly damp, but otherwise, it smelled like Snape. There were a lot of books in bookcases, and a bed, alongside a small nightstand: it really was nothing special, leading the werewolf to assume that Snape tended to do most school related work in his study, rather than bring it with him to his bedroom and work there. The werewolf assumed that the books were kept here to keep any ingredients or scents from staining or ruin them. Remus looked around a little more, and found a closet as well.

He turned towards Snape, giving him a bright smile. “Seems like you can’t run from my nose in here.” He joked, as he moved inside the room and sat down on the bed, once more looking around to see if he recognized some of the titles of the books. “Hah… I don’t think I ever managed to thank you, properly, for your Lycanthropy Mind Potion.” He lowered his eyes, to stare at his own shoes. “It has truly changed the life for people like us, I’ve met a few werewolves in my days after school, and all of them have been talking about how your potion was the reason they were able to find a job, or a partner, things like that. I thought I’d write to you, and actually tell you of the stories I’ve heard, of the people whose lives you’ve changed for the better. But I felt awkward every time I tried to write, and I never did finish any of those letters.” He laughed, subtly, and glanced up at the other once more.  “Thank you, and… Thank you for protecting the children from me. If it hadn’t been for you, I would likely have become a murderer, and locked away in Azkaban. I don’t need to tell you this, but being a werewolf is enough of a crime that people wish you to be locked away, no matter what you do.” He finished with an uncomfortable chuckle. “Thank you. Truly.”



Severus Snape: 

In the end, he found himself alone in his own bedroom, with the only person he had ever been physically intimate with, in all of his life. He told himself it wasn’t all too dramatic, the furthermost reason was that he had secluded and separated himself from mostly all around him, by his own choice, meaning that he had given up all prospects of intimacy for the future.

He wasn’t a fool, he knew well that he desired to be touched, as any human being would. He wasn’t so cruel and heartless as to be able to suppress some of the most basic human desires.

Severus sighed and joined the other on the bed, sitting a decently appropriate distance away. He listened to the other speak, and had by then simply giving up on looking at him, or facing him. There was a strangely familiarity to be alone with the man that way, as if, well, as if all the horrible things that came after never once happened. He’d be careful, but realized that no one would believe the words of a werewolf, and he could probably persuade said werewolf to not speak of him too in depth with people.

Severus relaxed, if only a little, because relaxing was something very unfamiliar to his body at that point. He didn’t try to look all too displeased with his guest, and made himself comfortable where he was sitting.

He did look away when the other kept on thanking him with such serious sentiment, mostly to hide the somewhat mournful smile that spread over his lips. At least it meant there would be some people out there, albeit few, that would remember him as someone who did something good.

“I-... I see.” He was not certain how to answer that. “... … then at least there are people competent enough to make it.” He couldn’t think of a good answer at all, it was beginning to become embarrassing.

 



Remus Lupin:
It felt a lot more natural to be able to smell the other’s feelings again, it had been very uncomfortable to have that part of himself cut off by the scents in the other room. Now, he was able to feel the scent of the other relaxing, of the man next to him being comfortable, and a little more at ease. Remus was also able to tell that his praise was going a little too far, and that Snape wasn’t able to accept too much of it without the air between them becoming filled with embarrassment and discomfort. 

He recalled when he had first made bodily contact with Snape, when he had allowed himself to lean against the man’s shoulder, and

 how the teenager had reacted back then. The memory was enough for him to gather his courage, before he let himself jump closer, and leaned his head against the other’s shoulder. The scent of the man’s hair was different from that of the teenager, but it was pleasant nonetheless. Remus allowed himself to sigh, and closed his eyes, while simply leaning against the other man, he tried his best to allow himself to relax, to allow himself to not be stressed and ashamed over his condition. Snape had always allowed him to be just any other person. With Snape, being a werewolf was second to just being a person, and that was something Remus hadn’t quite ever found in even his closest friends. 

“We can talk about something different, if you’d like.” The werewolf stated, simply. As he did, something hit him, something that he had tried very hard to not think of. Remus sat up again, and turned to face the other man, this time with a slightly more serious look. “As a matter of fact, I think you do owe me an answer to one thing: when you took over my class, you averted from the curriculum, and began to teach about werewolves. Why did you do such a thing? Hermione Granger was able to figure out my condition, thanks to the lesson you held, why… would you do that? You couldn’t have been looking to have the students figure it out, right? Surely… you wouldn’t do that?” He couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice as he asked. 



Severus Snape: 

Now he should have known, truly, having experience with the man who seemed to not have changed very much. They had, after all, barely settled before the man was touching him again, despite the differences in circumstances.

Of course, he recalled most of the times he had spent with the werewolf, in his teenage years, and that one time the other had leaned on him, and he wasn’t reacting nearly as strongly on the outside, he barely moved.

No, the reaction remained on the inside. Unpleasant, uncomfortable warmth, and familiarity, which he had long since thought he had killed, resurfaced again.

Perhaps it was one of those instances where he should indulge, if only ever a little, because it was likely the one and only remaining chance he’d get, given the path he had chosen.

He was about to pet the other’s head, but then Lupin suddenly got up and started inquiring him on another topic. Ah, yes it would make perfectly clear sense to why it would upset the werewolf to have the curriculum changed to include his very form of beast. The answer was very simple, and not very dramatic.

Severus managed to regain his earlier composure, if only a little, and met the other’s eyes with a look that probably spoke volumes of the fact that Lupin was over-reacting. He reached his arm out, and grabbed the man by the neck, not by any means in a harsh manner, but he pulled the man’s head back to his shoulder, and let out a disapproving huff, as he started running his fingers through the man’s hair, acting disinterested in the action.

“It’s a rather simple matter, one which you should discuss with Albus Dumbledore,” he started off. “I am not entirely certain, and can only speculate why he opted this year to be the year where werewolves were in fact part of the learning material, however, it has been planned ahead for quite some time now that there’s existing material of the condition that can in fact be taught. It certainly isn’t a bad idea to help create a generation with more awareness of the facts of the condition and disease.”

He paused, and clicked his tongue, sounding annoyed as ever, “did you honestly believe I would change the entirety of the curriculum, for what, petty revenge that you haven’t sought me out over this year? That I would be trying to expose you after all this time? I may be against the idea of you teaching here but-...” he stopped himself, realisation that he was being a little too honest hit him, and he quickly shut his mouth again. It wasn’t because Lupin was a werewolf that he didn’t want him at Hogwarts. 

 

 

Remus Lupin:
Remus wasn’t entirely comfortable with people touching his neck, even more so when it happened rather… suddenly. It had to do with his dog like nature, when a dog bit another dog’s neck, it was a sign for the bitten one to calm down. It was within the weaker dog’s nature to immediately stop moving, and resign themselves to being as still as possible, until they were released from the grip. There had been many times, when Sirius had been forced to grab the werewolf by the neck, to calm the beast down. Of course, Remus had little to no memory of those events, but Sirius had discovered, by accident, that Remus still tensed up, and stopped moving, until he was released. The dog-like teenager had not abused this knowledge too much, but he had grabbed Remus a few times, when the latter had managed to properly piss Sirius off. 

Snape had never been told about the reaction Remus had to being grabbed around the neck, and for a short second, the werewolf thought that he truly had messed something up, and that Snape was truly angry with him for bringing the topic up. The next second, he was back on the other’s shoulder, with the man running his fingers through the werewolf’s hair. He could not stop a weak, comfortable whimper from escaping from his lips, as he allowed his eyes to close. 

Snape told him that the curriculum had changed, due to an order from Professor Dumbledore. “I… see.” He hesitated, Snape certainly wasn’t lying, he could smell that his words were true. That left him with trying to figure out why the headmaster had changed the curriculum, and the only reason he could come up with, was that there had to be a part in it, which stated that the third years were supposed to learn about Lycanthropy. Dumbledore had probably seen Remus’ absence as a good opportunity to have somebody else lecture about the condition, as to save the actual werewolf from having to talk about his deepest secrets to his students. It had seemed that Snape had been the closest one at hand as a substitute teacher, Dumbledore had probably been amused by the idea that a friend of a werewolf’s was to hold a class on them, and went ahead with the idea without asking Snape for his consent beforehand. 

Snape clicked his tongue, causing the werewolf to look up at him. A sour, displeased scent was coming from the man. Upon listening to the man speak, Remus felt beyond silly to have ever thought the man would have betrayed him like that, and he responded with nuzzling his shoulder, silently denying his own doubt in his old lover. 

“...Oh? Then why are you opposed to me teaching here?” The scent had changed again, Snape had made a mistake, he has said something he wasn’t supposed to say. Something he regretted saying…? “I can smell that something is wrong, I’d rather not you try dodging my question. I will know.” The last wasn’t a threat, it was simply a reminder as to the fact that Snape couldn’t actually lie to him, not completely.

Chapter Text

Severus Snape: 

He knew that Lupin was looking at him, and firmly ignored the gaze, he instead stared straight ahead, as he so often did when he was uncomfortable with a topic of conversation. “... I’m not opposed to you being a teacher, if that is what you think. Although, perhaps I should be, seeing that you forgot the potion.” 

Severus couldn’t help but to scrunching his nose. He sighed and made an effort to try to push the other’s head back in place on his shoulder. Logically speaking, he couldn’t lie to the other, he knew that well; it seemed even more so that Lupin had grown up to learn to understand the scents of others with further precision. It meant that he would have to further discomfort himself by speaking the truth, without giving too much truth.

“... I wasn’t quite certain I wanted to see your face again.” Luckily, his face didn’t heat from such an embarrassing notion. “I haven’t precisely had my fair deal of… ugh… lovers. ” The last word came out as an almost snort.

 



Remus Lupin:

Before Remus managed to respond to the other’s, very valid point about him forgetting his potion, he was pushed back up on the man’s shoulder. The werewolf couldn’t help but to acknowledge in his head that said shoulder was very, very comfortable to rest on. “I won’t deny that. My carelessness did put a lot of people in danger, I am not blaming the parents who wrote to Professor Dumbledore and asked that I be removed.” He sighed, avoiding to look up at Snape, and instead stared straight ahead. 


Simply having a good sense of smell was not as powerful of a tool as one might imagine, it had a  lot of drawbacks, and wasn’t completely reliable. One of the reasons it was so easy for Remus to read what Snape was feeling, through his scents, was due to them mostly being on their own. The more people, the more interference, the harder it got. Remus also couldn’t tell if something was an outright lie, in most cases, if he was alone with somebody, a lie could easily be noticed, due to the change in smell. When people lie, they tended to get nervous, which changed their scent. When they felt guilty or uncomfortable in regards to something, their scent would change accordingly. Those two scents were very similar, and Remus couldn’t always tell them apart, it would be more accurate to state that he could smell discomfort in the people around him. While the source of the discomfort was a mystery, pointing out the fact that there was discomfort there in the first place, usually made people start over, this time with the actual truth. 

So when Snape confessed to something else, which had bothered him, and the scent around the man changed to a much more relaxed one, it was enough to make the werewolf believe that the man was telling the truth. Remus felt his heart jump slightly, as he was called the other’s lover, he had found it ever so impossible that Snape himself would use that word. Said usage of the word earned the man a very enthusiastic nuzzle, before the werewolf realized that he was acting quite silly. 

Remus breathed in through his nose, and settled down in his new favorite spot. “I guess a lot of people tend to get nervous or uncomfortable when meeting old partners.” He was very aware of his choice of words, as he called the other his former partner. “I was nervous too, and I did want to approach you, but… Somehow, I felt like I was intruding on your territory. You’ve worked and lived here for so long, and we parted on… regrettable terms. I was expecting to work here for longer than just a year, and approaching you, and possibly make an enemy of you was a lot harder than just remaining at arm's length distance.” 



Severus Snape:
Once more, Severus scoffed at the other’s response, drawing a sharp breath through his nose that ended up turning into a snort. “We’re not children anymore, I have no intention of being your enemy.” 

It seemed he had managed to rather skillfully avoid the topic of conversation, even if it was at the expense of his own dignity. He had never truly expected to be in a situation where he met a past ‘partner’ and experiencing the effects of it, for better or worse. To him, it frankly seemed rather ridiculous; annoyingly, he had a soft spot for the tragedy on two legs that happened to be named Remus Lupin, even if the man seemed to have gotten himself more in order over the years. There wasn’t anything more to it than the fact that he now was stuck with a rather annoyingly close relation to a person who wasn’t wrapped up in everything that was going on behind the scenes. Upon giving it a thought, he had realized that Lupin hadn’t even been on his mind, not even a thought, when he resigned to the fate which would be the rest of his life, for however short notice that would be. Now that he was dealing with it, he supposed the best option was to resign to the closeness he was experiencing. As long as he wasn’t asked to undress his upper body any, he didn’t quite care.. Mh, he’d rather enjoy closeness. 

“... Are you content now? I was being quite sincere; we’re past what happened years and years ago.”  ‘I have worse matter to handle.’ No, he wasn’t about to say that. He hadn’t stopped touching the hair and head of the other.

 


Remus Lupin:
In normal cases, being scoffed at wasn’t an especially pleasant thing, but when Snape’s scoff so easily broke through his insecurities and worries, Remus couldn’t help but think of it as something very, very pleasant. He assumed that he himself truly was a lonely person, to find so much comfort in simply being allowed to snuggle up to another, warm, being, who welcomed his company. 

“That’s… good.” He couldn’t quite think of anything more to say, and silence lowered itself over the two wizards. It lingered until Snape spoke up, reminding him that their present wasn’t their past, and they were in fact older than to live on childish principles of ‘either friend or enemy.’ 

“I think I could be more content.” A softer tone entered the werewolf’s voice, as he moved back and swiftly toppled the other mage over, sending them both back into the bed. He grinned, before moving slightly higher, and buffing the Snape’s cheek with his nose, in a friendly gesture. “Yeah… something like this would make me even more content.” He chuckled, as he laid down like he had in the past, resting his head on the other’s chest and shoulder, while leaving an arm and a leg on top of his partner. This position was a very comfortable one, but it did place his second arm, the one now covering his partner like a little blanket, in a somewhat trapped position. He didn’t particularly mind for the moment, but he would reach a point where the limb would feel stiff and in the way. It would happen, but he didn’t care, until that point came, this position was perfect. 

The silence returned once more, Remus felt his body relax for the first time in a very, very long. There was something about Snape that managed to bring out a safety that he had yet to feel with other people. Snape wasn’t scared of having him close to his neck, like Sirius had been, and he was overallt not bothered by the condition which Remus lived with. Remus sometimes thought about how he’d react if he met somebody with the condition, without being a werewolf himself. Would he have been accepting and kind to the person, while still worrying about their condition seeping its way into him? Would he have shunned a werewolf, like most of society did? He wanted to think that he would not have treated such a person badly, but he couldn’t quite convince himself that he would have. Thus, he couldn’t stop feeling thankful towards the other man, no matter how much time passed, he found himself thinking of Snape fondly, and appreciating his behavior and actions all the more for it. 

Remus had been putting something off, something he very much wanted to ask, but he couldn’t shake the worry that Snape would think of him as… rude, or worse, pushy, if he voiced his request. Hopefully, if it wasn’t something the other man wanted, he could just say no, and they could remain cuddling like they currently were. 

“...Hey?” Remus buffed the man with his nose, looking up at the other’s dark eyes. “...Do you, I mean… would you like to… have sex with me again? I’m not asking to be in a relationship or anything, and I won’t be upset if you say no or such. I just…” he bit his lower lip, searching for the right word. “I think it would feel very nice.” Well… that was one way to try and pitch an idea. 



Severus Snape: 

Severus was almost entirely silent upon being toppled over and pushed down by the werewolf. He had expected the other to want more physical contact, knowing the canine nature that came with the man’s disease. He hadn’t put it beyond Lupin to have such motives upon wanting to be alone with him, in the first place.

He wasn’t about to complain, much like the old days he forced himself to realize that it might as well be his only chance. Thus, he let the other cuddle up to him and found that it felt… warm in that vaguely familiar sense, again. It felt like some long lost dreamy haze of something that hadn’t been quite real, and forced him to relax, but still, he kept a firm grip on the sleeve that covered the mark, making certain it wouldn’t in any way slide up. He couldn’t help but to relax, immediately finding the urge to let his other hand go back to run through Lupin’s hair. 

Severus found that he was exhausted, to say the least. Fair to say, once one came into practice of being truly unpleasant, solitary and scornful, it seemed the body somehow forget the amount of energy that was put into simply being tense and unpleasant. Upon relaxing, his body nearly screamed out its relief, by resigning to the comfort of the man above him. It was a tad frightening, but it was far too late for regrets, now that his body had a taste of comfort.

As Remus started speaking again, a bit later, Severus could easily tell what the other was about to ask before the other even uttered the words. It was all too obvious, and he wasn’t about to fool himself with ideas that he hadn’t been thinking about it, too, in the back of his mind. He drew a short breath, but wouldn’t allow himself any further disgrace in acting shy about the matter. No, he wanted it, very greedily so. He was allowed to be greedy, he was a lot of worse things than simply greedy.

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt, no,” he replied, “but then I ask of you to remove yourself from my person, I haven’t had the chance to change out of these robes all day.”

Annoyingly so, he was nervous, but he needed to think strategically on the matter. While his several layers of robes could be worn and snuck into, by simple removal of the pants, it was likely something that would prompt Lupin to want to remove his robes altogether, which was not an option. He’d much rather change into something neutral enough to give the other easy access to his body without having to undress his upper body.

He already knew how Lupin would prefer the act to go about, and thus, felt a little more secure in his standings on the matter, and in knowing what to expect. Normally, intercourse would require some sort of dialogue on the matter, but Lupin’s dog-like nature had made it easy and predictable ever since they were teenagers. 



Remus Lupin:
The rush of happiness and relief that washed over him upon the other man agreeing to having sex with him, it had felt like a very farfetched request, one that he had been holding back for so long that it didn’t feel possible that he could have it. His nature got the best of him, and he blatantly ignored the other’s request to get of him in favor of cuddling up to the man once more, snuggling his nose into the creak of Snape’s neck and shoulder. He realized seconds later that he was probably not doing the other a favor by making it harder for him to move, thus he managed to regain control over himself, and pulled back to sit down on the covers of the bed. Remus wasn’t aware of how big his grin was as he looked upon his old lover, with the same excitement he had back when they had had sex the first time. 

As he watched the other man get up from the bed, and walk away towards what Remus assumed to be his closet, he couldn’t help but wonder as to why Snape simply didn’t undress. There was little point to change robes, since sexual activities were best performed without the restriction of clothes. The most logical conclusion he reached was that the other was ashamed of his body, or something along those lines. People were not always in the best of shape, and it was very natural for a busy teacher, with very limited time outside of work, would not be able to keep a strict workout schedule that was needed for a ‘perfect’ body. 

Still, he tried to remain patient, and wait in the bed, even if every single part of him wanted to run after the Professor. Next to him, his foot was continuously tapping the covers, with the lack of a tail, he needed to do something as to not let the canine energy take hold of all of him. He did not know if he wanted to keep the other company, or if he was scared of being left alone in a room he wasn’t familiar with. 



Severus Snape:
In a matter of seconds, Severus was viciously attacked by energetic cuddles, and he let out a displeased grunt, seeing Lupin had clearly opted to ignore his request. He was about to repeat himself, but then the former teacher actually removed himself, on his own volition.

Promptly, he did not waste any time to get up and find something simple to change into. His students would be very likely to make the assumption that he did not in fact own any changes of clothing, as most teachers of Hogwarts tended to keep a somewhat regular appearance up, much alike the students and their uniforms, to create a sense of familiarity. Of course, that was not actually the case for any of the teachers, but the students could have their illusion kept up for all he could care.

He pulled out a darker green, so very dark that it could have been mistaken for black in the light, tunic from the closet, opting for something softer and comfortable, with long sleeves. Said tunic had been a size or so too big for him all along, as he couldn’t care less of such, never in his past having had the privilege of choosing his own clothes, but it served well in hiding the mark further, when the sleeves were just a bit too long. Of course, he wouldn’t be the fool to change in the presence of the other, and thus left the other alone just for a few moments, hoping it wouldn’t be too much for the clingy mutt. 


As he changed, he briefly wondered if he should remove his trousers, as it might distract the werewolf away from his upper body further, yet there was something that felt almost alarmingly amiss in presenting himself in such a manner, so very much that he backpaddeled away from the very thought quick as he might, shutting a mental door firmly in front of it. The thought was absolutely bizarre! He wasn’t in any way desirable, and well knew it. Severus had accepted people’s lack of interest in him since childhood, coming to believe that he wasn’t the slightest attractive to others. In a sense, everyone knew what an attractive personage was supposed to look like, and looking oneself in the mirror never quite reflected such appearances; he couldn't even begin to imagine what an attractive person would feel upon looking at themselves in the mirror. He couldn’t possibly present himself in a desirable manner, and thus left his trousers on, suspecting that the werewolf wouldn’t mind removing them all on his own.

He returned to Lupin, firmly closing and locking the door behind himself, wanting to make absolutely certain that they would be alone. As he returned to the bed, he wasn’t quite certain where to keep his gaze, feeling something strange but also very familiar bubble up inside his chest, threatening rather much to overflow. He sat down again, right next to the other, unlike previously.

Chapter Text

 Remus Lupin:

The first thing he noticed when the other man returned, was that Snape had opted to keep his trousers on. Now, whatever was the point in changing if he was to simply return fully dressed, but in more comfortable clothes? This mistake was to be amended with haste. Snape sat down next to him, and neither of the two was quite prepared for just how quickly the werewolf was on top of him, showering him with affection. 

Remus very much wanted to remove the other’s clothes altogether, but the dark haired man firmly rejected the idea. The werewolf noticed that the other man firmly gripped the sleeve of his left arm. The gesture seemed strange to him, but he allowed it to be, not wanting to question the other man for the moment. There was no objection to the trousers and underwear being relocated into the furthest corner of the room, however, and that was honestly all that Remus really cared about at that moment, in terms of garments.

Upon beginning the act, it felt to Remus like nothing had changed since so many years ago. They still recalled where the other liked to be touched or kissed, they knew the most comfortable angles for the other, and they did not need to stop and talk, as the act was so familiar to them. Remus had been worried that it might feel different, or that Snape would object or even hurt from some things, but he seemed very much like he had as a teenager, except that he was a lot tighter than he had been back when they were regular lovers. He did his best to not let the beast take over, he tried his best to keep his impulses and desires back, until Snape, in a very aversive manner, told him that he didn’t have to hold back. At least that was how Remus interpreted it, and the noises which left the other man’s lips seemed to encourage the interpretation. 

The former professor in Defense Against the Dark Arts found himself a little surprised that they both reached a level of exhaustion so fast. They clearly both wanted to have more pleasure, but their bodies were not as easily fooled as their heads, and after just one round, they were both satisfied. Remus has secured his favorite position, on Snape’s right shoulder, with his nose pressed against the man’s neck, and his arm and leg on top of the other man, keeping them both warm. In the stillness of the room, Snape’s breathing was very audible to the werewolf, and he found that he highly appreciated the sound of his heart combined with his breathing. 

Yet stillness was never left undisturbed, and Remus’ eyes began wandering to the other man’s left sleeve, and he noticed that Snape was still holding on to it, keeping it in place. He hadn’t let it go once during the sex, and it was starting to truly bother the werewolf. There was only one clear association with left arms which one did not want to show, one that went against everything Remus believed about Snape. He needed to ask, he could not leave it be to fester on his mind. “...Severus?” He began, stopping shortly after, as the name tasting a little weird on his tongue. “Would you show me your lower left arm?” He didn’t look at the man as he asked, instead staring intensely at the sleeve and hand, observing the other’s reaction by relying on his nose to tell him what emotions Snape would feel. 



Severus Snape:

One would have imagined that Lupin might have learnt to gain a semblance of control over the many years as a werewolf; one would have imagined very incorrectly. The fact that the other rather immediately overwhelmed him created a strong sense of familiarity, and he could not help but to feel his emotions escape him, expressed in a sense of desire, and noises. It was no less jarring than it had been in the past, maybe even more so after such a prolonged time of isolation, and yet, he would not have it any other way. He would indulge in the pleasure of the man’s touch, to his uttermost limits, while keeping a rather firm grip around his left arm sleeve, to make certain it wouldn’t slide up, at all. It seemed perfectly alright, the werewolf seemed far distracted from being starved of touch and pleasure, as much as Severus himself had been.

By the time Lupin crawled up on top of him, or well, rested calmly on his arm, Severus felt… completely relaxed. There had never been an individual in his life that was quite like the large mutt, who so comfortably seemed to cuddle up to him, who had been so willing to touch him, and had him experience pleasure and genuine comfort from touch. He had very much wanted to avoid seeing the man again, knowing his fate and future rather well, not wanting the werewolf involved in the slightest.

While it had been a bit of an annoyance to find that his body wasn’t quite agreeing with him on the amount of pleasure which he yearned for, he supposed he would be perfectly comfortable in taking all which his-... well… lover… had to offer in terms of physical contact. He was a little worried yet, but he found himself in such an unfamiliar state of comfort that he couldn’t help but to urge himself closer to the other, burying his nose in the man’s hair. For a moment, it seemed that he might even have smiled, ever so slightly, his features softer when not working on their constant frown.

The werewolf spoke to him, carefully and softly, using a name so unfamiliar to hear the man speak that Severus clearly winced ever so slightly, feeling something in his flutter, making him feel utterly ridiculous. There was no real denying, even if he could certainly try, that Lupin was close to him, perhaps closer than anyone else had managed to be, or wanted to be, for the matter. He was not aware that he had ever desired that the other would call him by his name, until the moment it was actually uttered.

What followed however, was all but pleasant, Lupin voiced a question so very uncomfortable that he barely managed to quench his urges to jerk away from the other. There was no mistaking said question, there was only one very good reason for a wizard or witch to hide what lay beneath their left sleeve. How was he to-... He knew this had been a terrible idea.

He had not expected to feel genuine fear, and… sadness. He had hoped, vainly so, that Lupin wouldn’t immediately jump to such conclusions so very quickly, but well, it had to be in vain; Severus had even associated with Death Eaters back in their school days; he would certainly never have given someone such an amount of benefit of doubt required to ignore the obvious facts. Moreso, it was exactly why he did not want to associate with the werewolf! He should never have been the fool to let his emotions rule over him, it had never resulted in anything good.

He felt guilt, fear and hurt, in an uncomfortable mix, and found they were altogether harder to hide because he had let himself relax. His mind darted for a solution, anything which would perhaps work on the other, and frankly only one thing could possibly work if he just-... He let go of the edge of his sleeve, but made no effort to move it closer or move the sleeve, instead he started pushing himself up to distance himself from the other, his frown looking far more intense, far more upset. “I see, I suppose you haven’t changed much at all since school; if that is what you think of me you might as well leave!” He raised his voice, tone clearly upset. He was upset, perhaps upset for a different reason altogether, but he could certainly use it to his advantage. Perhaps, if he was lucky, Lupin would drop the subject out of concern for the hurt he was causing, and the hurt might cover up for other things Severus was experiencing in his distress.

 

Remus Lupin:

The first sign that something was wrong came in how the other man had tensed up, it seemed like he very much wanted to move, but was forcing himself to stay still. Then came the scents, all of them, mixing together in a somewhat overwhelming mess of emotions. Remus could make out regret, guilt, fear, and a sour scent that became the unmistakable stench of betrayal. He immediately regretted asking, even more so when Snape entangled himself from his arms, leaving the werewolf alone with the memory of the other man’s warmth against his own body. 

The words which Snape spoke made him wince just like a dog, curling together slightly as he tried to figure out what to possibly say against such an accusation. The scent of betrayal mixed with sadness, making it hard for the werewolf to focus. “That isn’t true.” He could not think of a weaker opening to his argument than that… “What I mean to say is, I have changed, and despite thinking bad things back then, I know that they weren’t actually true. I’m… I’m not Sirius Black, I’m not judging you. It just… seems weird to me, if you actually don’t have anything to hide, which I don’t think you do… What I’m trying to say is: I’m not judging you, I’m trying to give you a chance to prove that you aren’t what people like Sirius think you are. Acting like this is just...unfair.” The last objection was weak, he wasn’t able to look at Snape either, instead staring at the carpet on the floor. “I’m not your enemy, I’m not out to hurt you. I’m just… worried. I understand that you don’t want me to, you probably don’t want me to think about you at all, since it wouldn’t fit whatever image of cruelty you have built up or...whatever. But I do worry. Don’t… make me your enemy just for being worried about you.” The last words were somewhat unclear, he wasn’t mumbling, but he had lowered his voice, unable to speak his mind in a loud voice. 



Severus Snape:

He hadn’t expected it to be such a hardship to deliberately hurt the werewolf-man, even in a scenario where it was absolutely crucial. Severus found that he was looking away from the other, that he wasn’t quite certain if he could muster his cold, uncaring, snarky attitude, the one he so much desired to find his way back to right then. He had a nagging sensation that he could not look upon the other, not right then, his brain felt like it had been ground in a mortar. Lupin was making him feel, and regret; he was not supposed to feel or regret, he had already made his choice. It should be such a very small payment, such a small consequence, to simply hurt the man whose eyes he was avoiding, but it wasn’t, he couldn’t muster the will to do it.

Lupin was making it worse, he was telling everything Severus very much had pretended to not want to hear mostly all of his life; it was as if his school years were repeating before his eyes. With a defeated look in his eyes, he managed to glare, sourly, at the man just for a few moments, trying to think of what he could possibly answer to that. There was really only one thing he could say, at that point, words which even before uttered left a foul taste in his mouth.

“And what will you do, precisely, if I was to be what they always claimed I am?”

It hurt to utter the words. Having gone from so fiercely trying to deny what other people had claimed him to be all those years, to perhaps some of it being justified hurt. He knew that while he was doing this all for a cause far outweighing the sacrifice, at least according to himself, he must have changed some. He knew that he was numb to the scarring and fear he left in his students, he knew that he didn’t care anymore, as a kind man would, about anything but his goal. He thought he didn’t care about anything, and yet, he couldn’t face the mutt that was making everything so needlessly and horrendously complicated. He didn’t want to admit that he wanted Lupin to like him, that it mattered to him what the man thought. It had been easier in school, when the werewolf-teenager had been in bad company, and had been as bad as Severus himself, if not worse, when Severus at least had proof that he could not be blamed. It was not the case anymore, it couldn’t be, he had well observed that Lupin had been a good teacher, observed the fact that he connected with the students and made them do better, made them want to try. A man like that was so far better than Severus could credit himself for, at this point in life. 



Remus Lupin:

“Argue against it.” Remus answer came quicker and faster that him himself had been planning to. There was a short pause, where both men seemed equally confused about the answer he had given. “Maybe not… argue against it, as I wouldn’t believe it. Back in the days, when you… uh, with Lily and all that… When you said things that make you sound like a Death Eater, or at least a sympathizer for their cause, I ran away, and refused to ask or listen to you. I have regretted that for… a long, long time.” He stopped himself, swallowing back the waves of regret that were washing over him. 

“It’s not impossible that you could be a Death Eater… but it’s not impossible for you not to be. Peter Pettegrew, for Merlin’s sake, turned out to be one! If you have a mark, it’s not out of the question that it was something you got as a teenager, which can’t be removed, and you’ve been regretting it ever since… There are so many answers as to why, simply having a mark doesn’t make you evil… I’m a werewolf, by Merlin’s beard, and I’m shunned by wizard society for it, so why would I not listen to your explanation?” Remus realized that he was rambling, and quieted down, licking his lips out of nervousness. 

“I just want to hear your explanation. I want to listen and believe you; why are you making it so hard? What could possibly be so bad in wanting to hear you speak for yourself, instead of having others put words in your mouth?” It was very hard to believe that Snape was not hiding a Death Eater mark at this point. Remus was almost convinced that he did, and he was arguing about it from the perspective that he wanted to know the other man’s reason as to why he had the mark. 

He refused to believe that Snape was one of the wizards who believed that one had to be a pureblood to succeed in life. Anybody who was able to use reason could see that powerful magic wasn’t something locked to a certain bloodline. If purebloods truly were as outstanding witches and wizards as the Death Eaters wanted to think, then the only academic achievements worth noticing would belong to purebloods. Not to mention that purebloods would logically never have to struggle in school, and would always receive the highest grades and hold only the highest positions in the Ministry of Magic. Further was the very fact that there were muggle born witches and wizards: just how was the pureblood society supposed to stop them from being born? 

Upon looking at the human history, one could easily see the same hybris in muggles: they would keep the breeding incestous to not derive from their pure blood, something which would in turn only bring sickness and deformity onto the children of the bloodline. At one point in a pureblood society, the families would be unable to avoid insestous marriages, and their children’s magic would grow weaker and weaker, until there would be no doubt that their so called talent for magic no longer existed, and more and more squibs would be born. Snape was far too clever not to realize this, thus, he could not be a Death Eater, it was simply inconceivable. 



Severus Snape:
Severus ended up staring at the man, with not confusion, but shock written over his face. Lupin was spouting words that were starting to turn incoherent, falling into the category of rambling; the man’s words weren’t nearly as shocking as what they implied.

Severus never warranted this sort of caring from people. It was true that Lily had forgiven him with time, yes, seeing the werewolf was eager to bring up the example of how everything had started, but there had never been this… intensity from anyone, caring so much for whether he was a good person. He wasn’t, not a good person that was. He couldn’t even convince himself that he was. 

For the love of all Arcane Matter-... Severus felt utterly defeated and helpless in the situation. This was why Dumbledore should have known better than letting the werewolf onto the school grounds in the very first place; Remus Lupin should not have to be involved in everything that was happening, the poor man hadn’t done anything worthy of putting him under the same struggles as everyone else. Not to even mention the risk of more people knowing his current position and where his loyalties laid was a pure risk of idiotic levels.

Perhaps, somewhere in him, there was a vain desire to keep the man alive, to make sure he wasn’t at risk of losing his life, as the rest of them were, in fact. 

Groaning in sheer frustration he fell back against the bed, hiding his face behind both his hands for a moment, trying, desperately so, to clear his head enough to have any answer of what to do with the mess he found himself in. Clearly there’d be no bloody point in hiding or pretending to act untouched in front of a man who could smell his desperation and frustration. There’d be no bloody point in keeping a composure that he clearly couldn’t uphold right then.

“You’re the most infuriating, nosy, clingy-... mnh.” There’d be no point, Lupin could likely smell that he wasn’t quite sincere with the words. 

Severus removed his hands from his face and glanced up at the werewolf, glaring at him once more, but this time in a more annoyed and defeated manner. “You want an explanation,” he stated, dryly, but his eyes still reflected a lot of emotions, contradicting the tone of his voice. “You’re not going to give in, are you? You want to know, no matter how the truth might affect matters?” 

Chapter Text

Remus Lupin: 

Snape groaned in frustration, and surrendered himself enough to fall down on the bed, hiding his face. Remus was slightly ashamed to know that his first impulse upon seeing the other man like that was to try and lean in and lick his hands. He did not give in to the impulse, but instead carefully laid down next to the other man, strongly but carefully trapping him in another embrace, returning to his favorite position on top of the other man’s shoulder, while looking up at the man, without meeting his eyes. 

The dark haired man had clearly surrendered, he did not seem like he was about to object any longer. Remus slowly reached for the sleeve, ready to have his hand swatted away or to have Snape try and escape again. Nothing happened, and with his heart in his throat, he pulled the fabric of the sleeve away. Slowly, the tattoo became visible. It made Remus feel very uncomfortable, he had never before seen the mark so close up, but he told himself that there was something more to it than Snape simply being a purist. He slowly let go of the sleeve, turning to face the man, while still showing submission by avoiding the other’s eyes. The werewolf part of him found that by avoiding Snape’s eyes, he was clearly showing that the other man was still worthy of his respect, and that the respect would be upheld.

“Please. I understand that the truth is hard for you to tell, but I want to know. I’m filled to the brim with regrets, I don’t want any more by turning my back to somebody important again.” His hand curled ever so slightly around the fabric of the other’s shirt, as if he was scared that Snape would disappear if he let him. 


Severus Snape:
“Please. I understand that the truth is hard for you to tell, but I want to know. I’m filled to the brim with regrets, I don’t want any more by turning my back to somebody important again.”

Severus swallowed, clearly bothered by the words, but there wasn’t anything that could become worse than it already was, at that point. Had he been any less distressed, he might have even realized how preferable all of this was compared to how it could have been, compared to his expectations of people. Actually, he did realize it to some extent, and it bothered him because it felt too good to be true. It felt so very good, so very desirable, that he wanted to shut it out, make certain it couldn’t hurt him by being taken away from him. 

He glanced down at the man who was cuddling up to him, acting as much of a love starved dog as ever. He needed to shake all of this off, he needed to try, but he couldn’t have Lupin act out and ruin anything for the plans.

“No, I was never the fool to get a Death Eater mark in my school year,” he started, feeling rather good about clarifying said fact properly. Once more, he glanced away, just staring up at his own ceiling at that point, anything but facing the man. It felt positively ridiculous to be in such a comfortable position when discussing such unpleasant topics, to be in the arms of a man who seemed to want to console him.

“I attained it… after Lily’s death,” he started, finding the words nearly impossibly hard to utter without them getting caught in his throat. “It marks my loyalty to the Dark Lord,” he continued, having a hard time not to spit out the title, “marks my fate in the war that is about to come, sooner or later,” he took a deep breath, “and marks my position as a spy within the walls of Hogwarts.”

He hesitated for a moment, for a second he wanted to observe how badly the other would think of him. He wanted to observe if the illusion of caring would shatter, upon hearing the words. He thought he wanted to, and yet he continued. “Of course, Albus Dumbledore is aware of this fact.”

Remus Lupin:
Remus felt his heart sink in his chest upon hearing the other man state when he acquired the mark, he could think of few things which could hurt Snape more than speaking of Lily’s death. Remus had been absolutely broken for months, he had been so very furious and sad in waves, until the only whole thing in his house was the door. He had lost every person he had truly cared about, and who cared about him, in one night, and had been completely unable to function. The werewolf got worse too, and a few times, he’d woke up with such deep gashes that he almost couldn’t make it back to his home to patch himself up. Surely, Snape had experienced similar feelings, and therefore, what he said next did not make any sense to the werewolf. 

Snape was looking at him, expecting a reaction. Remus was visibly uncomfortable, but he did not miss the distaste on his lover’s tongue, as he more or less spit out the Dark Lord’s title. A weak laugh left his lips, it was utterly without happiness, but it was a laugh nonetheless. “Are you trying to test me? What reaction would you like? I feel… completely numb at this point…” He confessed, laying down on top of the other man once more. “Surely you don’t expect me to believe that you would be loyal to Him? I… nobody could be so perfectly coldhearted as to become a spy after their childhood friend was…” He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t say ‘killed.’ “By that very person?” 

He didn’t mean to let out a whine, but he did. “...Were, are… you really his spy…? I… can’t believe it… You’re not… I can’t believe that you would be such a person…”


Severus Snape:

“You’re creepy, you’re always following Lily Evans around. You’re making her uncomfortable.”

“I heard you waited for her outside the girls’ bathrooms like some obsessive freak, don’t you ever do that again.”

“She doesn’t want you around, you’re weirding out her friends with your strange behaviour.”

“If you weren’t so weird, you wouldn’t make people so uncomfortable.”

“Why do you follow Lily Evans around, she would never fall in love with someone like you.”

“... I’m not.”

Oh, this was just bloody fantastic. How many years had he waited for someone, anyone, to listen to his version of the story, for a single person to believe him, as the world made claims about who he was and incorrectly painted him up to be anything but the person he knew as his own self. Why was it that this walking misery of a man had to be the one to listen to him, to care, to make certain that Severus wasn’t alone in the whole world, and make this difficult in the process. 

“Of course I’m not loyal to-!... ugh,” he started, but cut himself off in another groan. No, he couldn’t speak like that, if he did, he might not be able to hold back the turmoil inside of him; the storm was brewing up, getting stronger, and it all started when Lupin stated how he couldn’t believe Severus to be what might as well be what everyone else in the world would assume. Ridiculous as it felt to him, he feared turning teary eyed from the mere notion, and he desperately did not want to, he couldn’t afford hurting from the decisions he had made, he needed resolve.

His arms sought a grip around the other, and for the first time since teen years, he pulled the man closer to himself, daring to seek the warmth and comfort that came with the werewolf cuddling him. He buried his nose in the werewolf’s hair and drew a sharp breath, hiding himself from the other just for a moment, as he tried to gather himself a little. 

“No… No, I’m not.” The second time, the words sounded far more calm and collected. “No, it has been part of a much larger plan from the very beginning, to make certain of His downfall.”

It wasn’t enough… he had to, ugh, yes he wanted to do more. He made an effort to push the other around, and did something he would never have imagined himself to in his life; he pinned the man down on the bed below him, and tried his best to glare at him. “Lu-... Remus. No one must know. Absolutely no one. The only other person who knows, truly, is Dumbledore himself. I cannot word how imperative it is that no one knows.” Severus’s voice probably hinted at desperation, enough to cause him shame. He was distressed to say the least, and it showed, but even so, he stared down at the man with determination, even if his features soon softened, it was hard to look down at the man who had just proven himself to be the only friend, the only real friend, Severus had ever had in the whole world. 

 

 

Remus Lupin:

“Of course I’m not loyal to-!... ugh,”

Never had Remus heard words that made him happier, it felt like something exploded in his chest, and a strange, unfamiliar happiness washed over him, one so strong that he felt as if the world dissolved around him, leaving only him, Snape and that overwhelming feeling of happiness and relief. He let out a whine, like the sound a dog makes when their owner finally comes home to them after a long day, and moved his arms around the other man, cuddling closer to him than he ever had before. Whatever remains of boundaries had lingered between them was now completely and utterly gone, leaving Snape to be completely subjected to the werewolf’s embrace. Then, to add further to his joy, Snape embraced him back, cuddled him back, and he felt like every hardship in his life had led up to this moment of utter bliss. That feeling was completely illogical, and did not make any of his previous life experiences worth the pain, but nonetheless, at that time, those memories were completely forgotten. 

Remus had never felt loved. He knew that he had friends, despite them being cruelly taken away from him, and he had experienced a lot of doubt and discomfort around them, but he had trusted them. They had liked one another, but Remus had never really felt love towards them. It didn’t make their bond worth any less, but at this point, all his confused feelings for Snape seemed to combine in the single, overwhelming feeling of love. Remus could not tell the other man, but he felt like Snape might know, or might feel similar things, that neither of them could express in any other way than holding on to one another. 

“No… No, I’m not. No, it has been part of a much larger plan from the very beginning, to make certain of His downfall.”

Snape’s words were very calming, and Remus instantly believed him with all his heart, nodding to try and show that he believed the other man’s claim. He thought that they would continue to stay like they were for longer, but Snape made a move as if to get up, and after scooting off from him with a disappointed whine, he suddenly found himself pinned down to the bed, with the man above him, staring straight into his eyes with a fiercity that made his cheeks heat. After having established dominance, Snape continued by addressing him with his name, making the werewolf’s head spin further, making it even harder to focus on what the other man was saying. He forced himself to break past the canine part of himself, which told him to not look the other in the eyes, and met the other man with an equal look of determination. “I’d die before betraying my friends.” He stated, unknowingly repeating Sirius words with equal determination. A weak laughter left his lips, and he gestured towards the scars on his face. “And I’m very good at enduring pain.”

 

 

Severus Snape:
Even someone who never once had seen the softer side of Severus Snape could have seen how quickly his expression changed, from distressed, to relieved beyond anything he could put into words. 

Remus’s words held so many meanings, so much in contrast to everything the both of them had ever experienced, and everything which had hurt them in the past, that Severus found himself entirely unable to respond to the words altogether. All the time he had spent around Remus, or well, far from all the time but rather a steadily growing phenomenon, he had experienced a warm feeling, something which made him relax and feel good around the other. Severus had, for most of his life, desperately clung to the idea that it was simply his selfish desires for comfort, and a desire to have what he had never been allowed in his life, except for with the werewolf.

Whatever warm sensation, whatever overwhelming sense of safety and desire he had felt in the past, was nothing compared to looking down at the man right there and then, able to tell that the werewolf, in his almost canine-like sincere manner, was completely decided upon keeping his secret, and protecting all that which Severus had worked for. 

Having the werewolf gaze up at him in such manners made Severus feel… very self-conscious, all of a sudden. His mind was rejecting the process of accepting that Remus had in fact proven himself more than any other person in Severus’s life, and that he had broken down every wall Severus had ever built to keep people away from him; it certainly was a realization to ponder over at a different time, when he wasn’t above the source of all the conflicting emotions. Rather, he was suddenly very aware that he had the man’s cum inside of him yet, and that neither of them were remotely near properly dressed. Yet again, he felt like a teenage boy, and his chamber felt like the windy old Shack, and he felt mortifyingly embarrassed, and happy, genuinely happy, all in one.

His mind and body decided to escape from the heavy overload of thoughts in ways not even the Potion’s Professor himself could have imagined; he leaned forward and captured the lips of the man below him. Greedily kissing the man below him seemed to be the only possible outlet for what he was feeling. It felt good, dangerously good. His arms sneaked around the other’s neck, and soon he was actually laying down on top of the other, lips still connected.

Chapter Text

Remus Lupin:

It was a very strange feeling to look up at somebody: having been so very tall most of his life, Remus had only ever looked down at people, and for the werewolf side of him, looking up at somebody often equalled submission or weakness. Him and Snape had cuddled many times before, mostly in the shack, and Snape had been on top of him, but never quite like this. He certainly liked it, even if the angle didn’t quite do his lover justice. He liked how dark the other man’s eyes were, he liked the way the black hair framed the man’s face, and how the bridge of the man’s hooked nose lined up so pleasantly with the man’s eyebrows. No, Serverus Snape was not conventionally attractive, but it was all the unique features that made him enjoy the man’s looks so much more. He was always recognizable, and more than anything else, it made Remus feel good to be around him and to speak with him. Those things mattered far more than a ‘perfect’ nose, or any of those things. 

As he looked up at the man, while lying beneath him completely naked, for the werewolf had not missed the opportunity to free himself of the restraints that were clothes, he felt his skin tingle with anticipation. He wasn’t certain of what he wanted, but he was certain that showing himself submissive towards the other man was nothing he would regret. It actually felt good to know that being submissive would not change anything between them, it wasn’t like with Sirius back in their teenage days, where Remus was expected to be decently submissive, but more of a thing he could choose to be if he wished to. Snape didn’t mind, he could be whatever he wanted, Snape would understand, and not be bothered by it. 

Then, as he was lost in thinking about all the things he liked about Snape, and thinking about all the things they could do with the man in the position above him, the item of his fantasies leaned in to kiss him on the lips. The werewolf eagerly met the other by stretching his neck, moving his arms around the man and pulled him closer into a hug. Two arms sneaked around his neck, and soon Snape was actually laying down on top of him, their lips still connected. 

Remus was the one to break the kiss to speak, his foot tapping on the covers beneath them. “Then, since I know your secret, would you please get undressed?” His hands moved up to lightly thug at the fabric of the clothing, doing his best to not give the other a puppy eyed look. “I want to touch you, see you, all of you. I’m tired of this stupid thing getting in my way, and I’m rather sure I would tear it if I tried to take it off, myself.” 

Snape agreed, but made them both disappear in under the covers, with the excuse that it was cold in the room. Remus agreed to the proposition, and quickly claimed his favorite spot on top of the other’s shoulder, his arm and hand free to touch the other’s naked chest all he wanted. Needless to say, this was perfectly within Remus’ desires, and he very possessively threw a leg over Snape’s, to make sure the man didn’t run away. Not that he thought he would, but it sure made the blankets even nicer and warmer to be under. Dogs did in fact, make excellent blankets, they just weren’t able to cover enough for most people to notice. By proxy, so did werewolves as well. 

They laid in silence for a while, until Remus spoke up once more: “there is another thing I have been wondering about… Why are you acting the way you do towards students? A lot of them are positively terrified of you, a student by the name of Longbottom is so frightened by you that he smells of pure terror whenever you are mentioned. Harry is completely convinced that you absolutely loathe him and is taking every chance to make his life miserable. Not to mention that a lot of teachers have been expressing.... discomfort with you only rewarding your own house with points… Why are you doing all of those things? You’re not like that so… why?” He subconsciously tightened his grip around Snape, making sure no attempts of worming away would be possible.  



Severus Snape:
A considerably positive note of having challenged himself into taking what he wanted, to have an outlet for his emotions, was that said outlet was more than distracting. Perhaps the kiss right then meant more than all previous ones, and the sheer weight of the emotional force that had been gathered up for the kiss was making Severus’s mind spin, and go numb. They were both quite lucky to, in fact, be wizards, as they were making quite the mess of his bed, at that point, not having moved away since the sex.

By the time Remus broke away, Severus found it hard to move altogether, as it seemed his body had decided to cease functioning altogether, muscles heavy, and he couldn’t quite find a good reason to want to part himself from the man. It was… different, somehow different and he couldn’t, wouldn’t, put a finger on it. His mind was probably blocking the possibilities of feeling more for the werewolf than appreciation and friendship altogether, otherwise it shouldn’t have been too hard to figure out, at that point.

Remus made a case for him undressing properly, and he couldn’t anything but abide, had no reason not to give the man what was apparently so very important to the other. He would have scoffed, he felt it appropriate, but instead ended up just looking away from the other, even more so as it became apparent just how much bodily contact the man wanted. Perhaps he was smiling, just faintly so.

It took an almost considerably long time to notice that Remus had once more spoken up, wanting to ask something else. Severus couldn’t help but to feel rather embarrassed to note that he was too comfortable to pay proper attention at first; it seemed so very unreal that he lacked words for the very concept. In somewhat of a daze, he forced himself to listen properly, and immediately scrunched his nose in disgust of the very topic. He glanced at his lover in annoyance and let out a sigh that very quickly turned into a half-silent groan of displeasure.

Well, he supposed he might as well provide an explanation to Remus, since he so very much seemed to want to get back to the unpleasant topic. He drew a sharp breath, accidentally coming out as a snort through his nose, while trying to consider how exactly to phrase the words. It was altogether a rather ridiculous existence he found himself in, and at last he just rolled his eyes and decided to go straight for the most ridiculous part of it all.

In response to how Harry Potter thought of him, he did nod, somewhat satisfactory, commenting, “very good, don’t you dare change his perspective.”

Yet another pause came to be before he had gathered himself enough to speak.

“Because,” he started, looking straight into the werewolf’s eyes,”because I am a petty, miserable, little man, whose hatred towards James Potter, and all those who have wronged me, has led to me simply not caring of the world or people within, as I’d rather see it all afire. So very pitiful and scornful have I become, that there mere sight of the son of the very source of my misery, leads me to derive pleasure out of torturing a child, bullying him for my personal content. Oh, perhaps even jealousy is involved, for my friendship with Lily was clearly naught but a grand obsession, and desperate love, Further, I am clearly considering myself far superior to them all, and while purist might be a bit of an exaggeration, I am clearly loyal to Slytherin as a house, so very much that I do not care for what is fair or right.”

He was spitting at the words at the very end, sarcasm dripping from lips for every word, beginning to end.

“For the love of-... mnh. You couldn’t possibly be the fool to believe that someone such as You Know Who, or his followers, would trust a man with somewhat decent intentions, a man who loved and cared for Lily Ev-.. Potter, her friend. No, that would be quite so unrealistic to assume; I am trusted with this task because I am not a threat, I am trusted because I am an easily controlled, emotionally driven fool, my sight far too clouded by hatred to understand what is important, and my hands far too deep into the mess to retract them.” 



Remus Lupin:

“Very good, don’t you dare change his perspective.”

Remus peeked up at the request, opened his mouth, and then shut it again. He wanted very much to object to the idea of having the other man be hated in Harry’s eyes, but he wasn’t about to do something that he had been explicitly ordered not to do. Thus, he remained silent, and waited for Snape to continue speaking. There was sure to come some manner of explanation, so he opted to not interrupt with questions until the other man had finished speaking. 

To his great confusion, Snape turned to stare him right in the eyes, as he continued speaking. What he said did not make a lot of sense to the werewolf, it was one of many faults of his canine nature, that he had somewhat hard to understand the concept of sarcasm. The contradicting smell of not telling the truth, and where the very point was to say something untrue in a way that made it seem true… It was all very confusing, luckily, most people he knew were understanding of the issue, and would refrain from that type of expressing themselves in consideration for him. Remus’ eyes darted confusingly from the man’s eyes to his mouth, then looked away from him, only to repeat the action over again, until Snape had finished his very much not true story about himself. 

At the end, Snape seemed to actually realize how confused he made the werewolf, whom would be carefully wagging his tail at the man if he had had one, to try and show that he liked hearing him speak but didn’t quite understand the words. The man finally wielded and told him the real reason, allowing Remus to finally understand why he was acting like he did. He couldn’t help but smile weakly, and give the other man a nuzzle. “It’s very confusing when you say things about yourself which aren’t true.” He mused, snuggling himself closer to the man. “Thank you for telling me… I feel like there should be other ways to do it like this… I really dislike the idea that you are to give children lasting traumas for the reason that You Know Who might come back again. So many things had changed, he might never return at all, even if that is a naive thought… It… is just so… unfair. Unfair that you aren’t allowed a life but being a pawn in that plan…” He clung to his lover, burying his nose in his shoulder. “Doesn’t it hurt? To not allow yourself anything but misery and hate, when you deserve so much more? You aren’t like me, you don’t have a sickness that makes you repulsive and horrible to the rest of the magic culture. You… you do have the chance to have something better… why would you do that to yourself?” 



Severus Snape:
Perhaps there was just a bit of gratification in the mere thought that Remus couldn’t believe the words, even as he uttered them himself. It was quite gratifying to witness the confusion and disbelief that were written all over the man’s face. It allowed him to have some… faith in the other. It was a rather alien concept altogether, the idea that he could trust Remus to take his side.

Something was burning and fluttering inside his chest, which he tried very well to ignore, but realized that the feeling was familiar to something he had felt only one instance in the past. It was so very distinct and familiar that Severus had to focus hard on his words, not to get too distracted by the familiar feeling.

Back in their school days, after the Yule Ball, he had been in such a terrible mood, mostly because he had felt mocked and tricked by Remus trying to invite him to go together, as if the boy would have intended to actually be seen together with him in such a sense, as a couple. Nowadays, that very notion did not seem as far fetched, but at the time, it had been impossible for him to accept that the werewolf-teeanger would actually agree to being seen with him. He had, a few times in the past, wondered how things would have turned out if he had accepted, knowing well, at this point, that it had not been a trick by Remus’s friends or a mockery of him. Perhaps he did even regret having rejected the other back then, but there was no changing the past, and he had been in a terrible mood afterwards, so very terrible that he had lost his senses momentarily enough to talk back to Sirius Black. Whatever had irked Black at the time had been something even Severus had noticed, the whole bloody school might as well have noticed the wrath and foul mood, the Slytherin student really should not have challenged the other, and yet he did. Black had terrified him, with the sudden rage and intent to harm; he had nearly gotten killed for a prank, Severus couldn’t have begun to fathom what the psychopathic teenager would be like when intending to do real harm. Severus never found out what that would be like, as Remus had stepped between them, for once in his life standing up to his bully of a friend, and protecting Severus from harm. The whole scenario had been absolutely bizarre, and warranted emotions in Severus which he had never thought the werewolf could have awoken; he had to continually remind himself that one right didn’t correct years of wrong, the following days. The emotion was much the same, having someone defend and shield him, wanting to protect him, and even caring, truly, for his well being.

Severus found that he very much wanted to avoid looking upon his lover right then, something which was luckily negated on its own, as Remus cuddled up to his neck, and Severus rather quickly put his arms around the other, keeping the other in place.

“Life isn’t fair,” he started, not entirely certain if he was reminding the other of said fact, or reminding himself.

He had learnt well to not be jealous of all that which others had, he had never been fortunate, never able to afford dreams and jealousy; it would have crushed him. Had he been jealous of all that which he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have managed to live the pitiful excuse of life that was his own. Remus words burnt uncomfortably against him, he very much wanted to quench that flame of emotion, but at the same time, the sensation made him feel oh so very alive. Bloody-.. It was impossible to completely discern if the other’s foolish words of far fetched dreams felt good or outright horrible to hear. 


He clicked his tongue, before he spoke again; “it is not about ‘if’ He returns, Remus, too many things are in motion, it’s going to happen sooner or later.”

“I-.... It had to be someone. Who else would do it, who would be in a favorable position, who would have the practice of being hated and scorned well enough to keep up the act.” He wanted to give himself credit, even a little, but it only came off as tragic, annoyingly enough.

He would not admit that it hurt, to himself or anyone else.

Instead, he opted for changing the subject; he reached out, grabbing Remus’s face with both hands, cupping the cheeks trying to not pull at the hair with any of his fingers as he pushed the man back, forcing him to look at Severus. The grip wasn’t harsh, if could probably even be considered endearing.

“There is no going back now, for any of us, and you have a responsibility in all of this, too.”

“You are going to remain out of it, and stay alive. You and Black both owe James Potter, Lily, the world, even me, that much. You are everything Harry Potter has left, when all of this is over you will be there for him; I will not.”

Chapter Text

Remus Lupin:
Life isn’t fair. No, not it certainly wasn’t. There was so such balance in the world as to be given something after enough suffrage, people who believed such things would find themselves sorely disappointed. The werewolf believed that the only way to end one’s own suffering was to get involved with new things, or meet new people. To take action, to seek change, rather than try to find themselves complacent in their suffrage. These things were, as a matter of fact, not easy to actually do. It was very easy to talk about, all the more harder to do; breaking away from people who contributed to the misery was also no easy deal, especially to somebody who had never made friends easily. In short, life truly wasn’t fair, and one couldn’t expect it to be fair, but there were ways to actively try and make one’s situation better, rather than to try and find reasons to stand said situation. 

Remus didn’t know how to tell his lover that, it was evident that Snape had made up his mind, and that he wasn’t going to change. Thus, the werewolf reasoned that his best option was to try and be there for the other man. If there was no way for the other man to break free of his reality where he had to be horrible, cruel and petty, then at least, as his friend, Remus wanted to be there for him, make his days just a little easier. It was selfish, yes, and he didn’t know how he was going to be able to remain a close friend to somebody who was stuck in a school 80% of the year, but he found that, deep within himself, that was what he wanted: to keep in contact, to be a friend to Snape. 

The Potions Professor changed the topic to another one, leaving Remus with a sinking, nauseous feeling in his stomach.  He grunted subtly, turning to glance at the other’s face, only to curl together around him further. Remus knew that the chances of the Dark Lord actually being dead and gone were close to minimal, yet it would be awfully pleasant if he never returned. His foot tapped restlessly on the mattress as he tried to not think of the unpleasant world in which He Who Must Not Be Mentioned was back. It hurt even more to know that the other man’s logic was close to flawless, who else was in such a favorable position as he? Who else could be trusted to not give in to the Dark Lord’s promises and power? Remus believed that nothing could change Snape’s mind once he had set his mind to do something, even if the whole world would call it impossible. He searched his brain for an answer, any answer, but he couldn’t find anything worth saying, so he hugged Snape tighter, trying to communicate without words that he was worried about him. 

He grunted out in objection when Snape pulled his face up, mostly because he didn't want the other man to see how upset he was with the topic. Yet Snape was gentle, so very much that he couldn’t remain like he was, instead, he allowed himself to be pulled up, despite not meeting his lover’s eyes. Remus knew what he looked like, his eyes were slightly watery, and he was biting his lower lip in an effort to not let his emotions get the best of him. That became increasingly harder the more the other man spoke. 

The tears which he had barely managed to hold back broke forth as Snape said outright that he was going to die. He had the stomach to tell Remus that he needed to live, while expecting to die himself. The werewolf looked up at the other man, moving his own hand up to keep Snape’s in place, then proceeded to lean his own face into the hand, closing his eyes while the tears continued to flow. He still wasn’t able to find anything to say, he wanted desperately to tell the other man that he needed to live, that he wouldn’t die, but he couldn’t find his voice, his throat was only capable of producing weak hitching noises and sobs. He wanted to repeat that it was unfair, that it wasn’t something he could accept, but he didn’t think he had the right to demand that Snape lived for his sake. 

Finally, he found his voice, finally, he objected: “how am I supposed to accept that? My best friends have been dead for years, I can barely believe Sirius to be alive still, and when you finally stopped rejecting me, I’m supposed to accept that I will lose you, too? You want me to just be alright with all that? I spent years thinking of how to try and write to you, I’ve started hundreds of letters… And now, when I have to leave Hogwarts and won’t see you again for a really long time and… I… how am I supposed to do this?” He sobbed again, now turning his head to hide his face in the other’s palm, breathing in his scent while seeking his comfort. “If you’re forcing me to accept this, at least tell me how I’m supposed to do it!” 



Severus Snape:

As Severus stated the words of how important it was for Remus and Black to live, how the Potter child deserves a family, he had not expected the backlash that came with the words. His eyes widened in surprise as the wetness from tears started to stain his hands eminently fast. In a matter of seconds, Remus broke down in front of him, clinging to his hands akin to what seemed for dear life. 

There and then, something cracked within the Potion Professor.

Being jealous of what others had was one of the most foolish things one could be. Having been born less fortunate than many others, Severus had since early in his life learnt to accept that he would, in fact, never have all that which others had. He had thought he had accepted it, very much believed himself to be above such foolish sentiments. He had, by then, repeatedly berated others, Remus especially, for wanting to change the past, for wanting things to be different, when they wouldn’t be different, no matter how much they desired it to be.

The tears falling down his cheeks, discreetly and silently, were a very strange and unfamiliar sensation.

In a different life, in different circumstances, could he had been happy? Would things have been different had he only decided to be the more mature of the two back in their school years, to resolve the conflict between them, or if he had decided to trust Remus to protect him, rather than turned away from the other. Could everything have been different, had he trusted Remus sincerity in inviting him to the Yule Ball, letting them experience even a little of all that which other teenagers dreamt and pined for. Would Remus had proven to him that he wasn’t ashamed of being his friend, of being more than a friend; had it been his intention all along with inviting the young Slytherin to go with him. It seemed so very far fetched, and miniscule in the grand scale of it all, so many years later. It seemed so very innocent and stupid, that he, a grown man who had thrown his life away for one dedication, for a single goal, would be regretting such trivial choices of his past, realising how they could have been the changing factor. 

He should be relieved that Remus was far too busy crying miserably to notice his tears.

What if Remus had dared writing to him, would they have managed to reunite with one another, even as friends, after school. Would Severus had thought of the werewolf on the day he decided to tie his entire fate down to one single moment, one single goal; would it by any chance have been enough to change his mind. There was honestly no telling if it would have been enough for him to change.

As his lover clung to him desperately, he buried his nose on the other’s hair, heaving out a heavy sigh.

He couldn’t even imagine it. It felt jarring, ridiculous, logically insane, but he couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to have been happy. He couldn’t imagine what that long past Yule Ball would have been like, he couldn’t even begin to imagine what any of it would have felt like. He couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to feel that he was important enough to want to live, despite all the better people out there, to want to live for his own sake, and for the sake of that someone needed him. It felt insane to imagine that he wasn’t replacelable, and he couldn’t fully comprehend it, no matter how he might try. How could it be so excruciatingly painful to not have something which he couldn’t even begin to understand. 

Severus clicked his tongue, because his mouth felt impossibly dry; “I-... will not be far away. I will answer those letters, if you manage to cease the procrastinating and send them off.” His voice hadn’t trembled for years, it felt very unfamiliar that it was trembling right then.

“I seldom leave because I have nowhere to go, and no one to see; it wouldn’t be difficult to, if I had reason to go visit someone.” 

He tried his best to dry his tears away somewhat discreetly, by nuzzling the werewolf’s hair. Severus had nothing to offer the other beside assurance that they would meet again, that there was still time. He needed to assure the both of them that not every moment had been wasted.

The world was bigger than the two of them, there was nothing that could be done about what was about to come. In hindsight to his words, he probably didn’t have the right to see the poor man, who was completely correct in the fact that everything and everyone had been taken away from him unfairly. He didn’t have the right to cause the other such pain, but they were already too deep to retract from it.

 



Remus Lupin:
The werewolf could tell that his lover was crying, and that made him all the more keen to cling to him. He had never once seen the other man cry, and he was rather certain that Sna… Severus, that Severus didn’t want him to. Thus, he closed his eyes, allowing himself to be pulled closer, to breathe the scent of the other in, to hold him tightly, to listen to the man’s heart beats, as they filled his ears. His tears didn’t stop, and he wasn’t able to find anymore words. It was a huge relief when the other man spoke up, speaking words which made his breath hitch with happiness, as well as other emotions.

“I-... will not be far away. I will answer those letters, if you manage to cease the procrastinating and send them off.” Severus’ voice was shaking, Remus had never heard his voice shake before. “I seldom leave because I have nowhere to go, and no one to see; it wouldn’t be difficult to, if I had reason to go visit someone.” 

 “I will write then…” He promised them both, while burying his face against the other man’s chest, clinging to him with all the force he had never dared to use when they had been young. He was given a nuzzle in response, one that made his heart jump with such joy that he lost control over his foot, the limb trying to express what a dog’s tail could, by tapping on the mattress. “I’ll write a lot…” He followed his promise with another. 

Remus remained in his lover’s arms, clinging to him as he calmed down, while letting Severus’ words sink in. He could visit people if he wanted to, he just didn’t have a lot of people to visit. When the realization had sunken in, ideas began to take root, until Remus raised his head, and stared straight into the other man’s eyes. “It’s summer. You won’t be working for a few months. I know I’m pushing myself into your life by saying this: but I would really like to spend the summer with you. Summer is a lot nicer than winter, for a werewolf, I mean… I just… we never did get to know one another too well. Uh, what I mean to say is… Do you think we could make up for lost time by spending more time around each other?” 

It was somewhat silly, to think that they would spend the whole summer together, like some romantic teenagers, therefore, that was not exactly what Remus had in mind. He wanted them to just spend time together, taking walks, talking, maybe going shopping at Diagon Alley… He didn’t quite care what they did, but he really didn’t want to spend another summer completely alone, waiting for the full moon while trying to get a job, only to be rejected over and over again. It was hard enough getting work as a werewolf, without having the wizarding world knowing his name, so trying to find one when his name and sickness had been leaked to the public was not something Remus was looking forward to. Severus would be a very comfortable distraction during such a trying time, if only he would agree to the proposal. The werewolf looked up at his lover with hopeful eyes. 



Severus Snape:
In the end, Severus could manage naught but to give in to the man. He wanted nothing more than to have even just an ounce of all which he had never once been permitted to have, whether it was by circumstance, the choice of his, or the choice of others. It was an utter relief to find that he managed to calm the other somewhat, even as it clearly wouldn’t make up for the damage done. The past couldn’t be amended, it couldn’t be changed, no matter how either of them would want it to be. It felt very relieving to know that the other didn’t detest him, despite how he was hurting the man with his life choices and goals.

When Remus uttered his request, Severus ended up staring at the man, clearly struck by surprise. How bizarre the world could be, when what should probably be a completely natural request seemed alien, despite how he should know better. However, Severus had learnt to grab what he could, when the chance presented itself, as he would likely never have a second chance. 

Even with the matter of his conflicting and secret affiliations, he could, as matters were right then, live a mostly normal life on his free time. Given how closely the Death Eaters were watching him, he knew that at least some of them knew of his academic achievements, and of the potion he had once created; people were not immediately complete fools for having decided to follow the example of extremism in the steps of He Who Must Not Be Named; at least some of them must have figured that he had gotten his information from the werewolf that happened to attend Hogwarts in the same year as Severus. It shouldn’t be far too difficult to explain that he had a connection with the man without ruining everything; the matter which had been problematic in the first place was letting anyone in on the plans; he hadn’t trusted Remus, which clearly had been a faulty judgement. 


The past couldn’t be changed, and neither could the future as he had already set his goal; his chances of survival were ranging from slim to none at all. Trying to explore what a world in which the two of them would have known one another, trusted one another, could very well become something the both of them would regret in the end, but evidently, they had to try, they clearly wanted to.

“I-... suppose that might be possible,” he started, “I don’t usually leave Hogwarts, so I might as well take a bit of a well deserved vacation. I wouldn’t exactly mind staying with you for some time-...”

It would probably be awkward, he couldn’t imagine what being happy and relaxed truly was like, and couldn’t imagine how he would enjoy himself in such manners, in any more extended way than the sexual aspects of comfort they had found in one another. It seemed that the only way for him to find out was by letting himself experience friendship and companionship with the other, not that he could imagine it would be anything like what people normally imagined to be romantic. What did wizards and witches even do normally, when spending time with one another; to that question, he had no answer. He imagined that he would be rather annoyed with Remus, if he stayed around him too long, much like the older days, but he-... wanted to, he still always felt good around the other. It seemed the only way to figure out if he was making a mistake was to indeed try it. He wouldn’t try to make up for the past, such a silly notion it was to even imagine that the past could be made up for, but perhaps, if they were even the slightest bit of lucky, if the world decided to allow them even one bit of compensation, perhaps they could find just a little bit of happiness.