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Love and Life I Will Divide

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“Are you sure you want to do that? It’s not too late to back out.” A voice asked humorously from behind Gavin’s back, it’s deep timbre doing things to him.

He turned around with a smirk already on his face, knowing that voice like it was his own, and was greeted to the sight of most handsome man alive. His beautiful husband.

God, just thinking that in the quiet privacy of his own mind sent thrills and chills coursing through him. He still couldn’t believe this insanely attractive, wonderfully kind, completely out-of-his-league man wanted to spend the rest of his life with him too. Him, the infamous Gavin Reed. A mess of a man who had nothing to offer but anger issues and insecurity.

What on earth did he see in him?

“You as well as I know this is a great idea, Allen. How else are we gonna know if it’s good if we don’t try it? Live a little, old man.”

“We could just Google it. Or you know, go to the store and buy it. Seriously, Gavin, there’s a million more alternatives than this.”

Gavin groaned and dragged his hand down his face, fingers catching on his lip briefly before it fell back down against his side again. He was the epitome of childish exasperation, but unsurprisingly, he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“Babe...it’s not about eating it, it’s about making it. What it represents. What kind of a husband would I be if I can’t even make you an apple pie?” Gavin looked imploringly at Allen, a trace of a self-deprecating smile appearing at the corners of his mouth.

He could only hope Allen didn’t notice it, just see it as a faintly cocky grin. Otherwise he’d be screwed. Allen could be quite...scary when scolding Gavin about his “unfounded” self-doubts. Captain Allen indeed.

“Gavin….”

Gavin shook his head and lifted a rather pathetic hand, stopping Allen from continuing. He knew what he was going to say and how he was going to say it, at this point he didn’t need to hear it to know it word for word.

“No no. Don’t say anything. Don’t make it into anything. It’s not needed. I’m good. Really.”

He tried to give a reassuring smirk to show Allen that he really was ok, but it fell flat. His signature cocky grin was nowhere to be seen, and instead in its place sat a grimace. Angry at his traitorous throat for thickening up with unshed tears, he looked down at his dough-covered hands, them currently tangling and untangling in a self-soothing gesture, to hide his expression.

But as he was too busy drowning in his anxious thoughts, he didn’t notice Allen walking up to him until warm, calloused hands closed around his own, unbelievably tender in their hold. Gavin flinched at the contact, startled out of his musings, before relaxing at the familiar embrace around his hands. Slowly, almost hesitantly, he looked up to meet Allen’s affectionate gaze, and instantly felt his heart stutter at the overwhelming love he felt for this human being before him.

Gavin’s shoulders sagged in defeat when one of Allen’s hands moved to cusp his jaw.

“Gavin.”

Gavin wouldn’t give in. He wasn’t a quitter. He wasn’t weak .

“Gavin. Look at me.”

No.

“Gav. Please.”

Gavin swallowed the lump in his throat, hating himself for showing weakness, for crying like a little bitch. What would Pops say if he saw him now? Married to another man while trying not to cry. What a fucking pansy, is what.

His fists clenched in anger just at the thought. Pops always was a sorry piece of shit; never afraid to belittle Gavin for his sexuality, his own son. It’s a good thing he died.

Even still, it didn’t stop that wave of shame from flooding through him, unbidden but unrelenting. Pops really did condition him well.

The unshed tears began to sting his eyes. Though they didn’t fall down his cheeks in streaks, much less pool at the rims. They just simply gave him a glassy eyed look. Crying too was trained out of him. Thank God for small miracles. No matter how they came to be.

Reluctantly Gavin met Allen’s gaze again, albeit this time self-doubt had turned into self-loathing, and suddenly he felt his heart squeeze again at how shattered and concerned Allen looked. Because of him.

I did that. Fuck. Why do I always fuck up the things I touch?

“Stop that.” Allen ordered, voice firm but gentle at the exact same time.

“What?” Gavin whispered weakly, voice too unstable to support even a simple sentence.

And God how he hated that.

Allen blinked patiently at Gavin, knowing he didn’t need to explain anything, that Gavin understood. It’s something Gavin loved dearly about Allen. How patient and kind he was, no matter how childish and undeserving Gavin was in him. It always made him fall a little bit more in love with him. Not that he’d ever admit it to Allen though. He didn’t want it going to his head. But he was man enough to admit it to himself.

Seconds ticked by as neither of them gave into the silence that continued to stretch between them.

Finally, when the silence became stifling, Allen heaved an exhausted sigh, dropped his hands, and moved away from Gavin. Instantly Gavin was on high alert. What was he doing?

Instead of fulfilling all the horrible scenarios Gavin came up with, Allen simply moved around him to open the oven.

“Come on.” He murmured, voice indecipherable. “Your pie’s done.”

Gavin swallowed thickly, body feeling cold and numb at the same time. He couldn’t tell what Allen was thinking. Couldn’t whether he was angry, or disappointed, or….

“Kent…?”

“Look, I’m not...we’re not done here. I’m still amazed that after 5 years together, you still think of yourself in a negative matter despite everything we’ve been through. And maybe that’s something I can’t fix but...I’ll never stop trying to convince you otherwise.” He turned around to face Gavin, hand still holding the oven door open as the warm smell of freshly baked apple pie filled the kitchen. “So yeah, we’re going to talk about this right now, but I think that this conversation would be better suited to have over a cup of coffee with a slice of fresh apple pie. Wouldn't you agree?”

Gavin caught what Allen was implying, how it’d be taxing on both of them so some semblance of comfort was needed. Yet despite that, despite knowing how emotional it’d get from past experiences and how he always somehow fell apart at Kent’s passionate sincerity, he wasn’t scared. Kent would be there to build him back up again, just as he always had before.

Blinking rapidly to get rid of the stubborn tears glossing his eyes, Gavin gave Allen a barely there watery smile.

“Y-yeah. I do.”