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the Maine issue

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How I went back to my hometown to fulfil a childhood blood oath, killed a telepathic, polymorphic spider from outer space and accepted that I am a big flaming homosexual.

“When I came back from Derry, I also came out.”

He lets the room cheers for a while, still a bit stunned that he’s not getting booed, that he doesn’t lose his job, his life.

“And I know I had a certain reputation, but Twitter went nuts. Kids half my age attacked me because they said I couldn’t joke about being gay, I couldn’t be gay, blah, blah, fucking blah. Honey, I’ve been guzzling down come like it’s Garotate for the past twenty years or so. I’ve been hating and hiding and lying since before some of you could even name the colors on the motherfucking rainbow, since before some of you were even born.

Which is lucky for you nutsacks because I was a fucking snack before ascending to my final form.


The dad bod!  

The clothes Bev forced on him made him look younger he knew, and his hair is combed for once. He actually look good now. Weird. Richie turns around, letting them look at the forty-something dude on stage, before executing several pin-up poses that leaves the audience in stitches. Someone wolf whistle, and it can only one of his Losers. He ends it by slapping his belly jokingly, but the beer belly he had been working on for a good decade has been reduced to nothing in a matter of months.

“Though I might have lost a few pounds. They say happy men gain weight after marriage, but it’s not true. See, I might only manage to attract other middle age men, the one I snagged is unfortunately a health freak. And when I say freak…”

He shakes his head, sighing dramatically. He built his entire carrier mocking his pretend girlfriends and his pretend break-ups, but now his material is 100% authentic.

“He literally bleeds hand sanitizer!” he shouts, throwing his hands up dramatically.

The audience fucking looooove that, and he lets them a moment to recover, imagining the pinched-but-slightly-amused-but-you’re-in-big-trouble-Mr.Trashmouth that Eddie must be sporting right now.

“I’m not kidding guys! He took one look at my apartment and walked right out and refused to put out until I had the place professionally cleaned.

Never dialed a number that fast in my life.”