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The Mirror Hacked

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Beelzebub, carried by flies, floated upstairs and into Gabriel’s office. As usual, Gabriel was startled off his chair. It happened every time, and amused Beelzebub every time. You’d have thought the buzzing would warn him.

“The traitorous demon Crowley has added to his stupid toyzzz. It could be useful for both of us to zzzee what he’s doing out in the world.”

Gabriel beamed. “And you know how much I’d like to make trouble for Aziraphale. He’s embarrassed me more than once, and I’m not going to make it easy for him to do it again.”

“Find out how we can uzzzze this mechanism for our purpozzzes, and call me.”

“I’ll call you anyway. Our meetings have been quite productive.”

“Don’t call me unless you have something I want, idiot. I can hang around with irritating people downzzzztairs without making this zzzzpupid commute.”

A week later, a note appeared on Beelzebub’s desk.

“I have something to show you.” Beelzebub grimaced. In zir experience, this kind of message resulted in a picture of some demon’s pathetic genitals.

Nevertheless, the flies made room in zir schedule for a meeting with the idiot.

Once Gabriel climbed back onto his chair after being startled (Every time. Every time. At this point Beelzebub wasn’t even entertained anymore unless he seriously injured himself.), he showed off his blinding teeth.

“You’ll be pleased to know I found a perfect assistant for our mission. I pulled St. Isadore out of choir practice, and he’s hacked into the mirror. Stupid of Crowley to put it up on the Cloud. Izzy says we should be able to see everything that takes place in the demon’s flat. I thought you’d enjoy watching it with me.”

“Get me some popcorn, and put the video up on the big zzzcreen zzzo my view isn’t blocked by your enormouzzz zzztupid head.”

“So, Izzy tells me this thing is motion activated. What we’ll be seeing here is the demon Crowley’s every move.”

There was a pause while Gabriel figured out how to switch the video to the wall, then the show began.

“What is he doing?” Gabriel squinted at the video.

“Pozzzzzing. Why would a demon need so many kinds of underwear?”

“Those purple ones are only a little triangle and a piece of string.”

“Exzzzzzactly. Hideouzzzz. We invented them.”

“Oh no. I’m trying not to look, but I think he’s shaved.”


“Is that meant to be dancing?”

“He probably meanzzzz it to be. Even for a demon it izzzz very bad.”

“At least he settled on some relatively modest underwear.”


“Look, he’s coming in with the angel Aziraphale.”

“And he’zzzz thrown a bedzzzheet over the mirror. Another wazzzzted opportunity. We are learning nothing new from this ridiculous zzzzzhow.”

“Next scene has to be better.”


“He cannot leap off the zzzofa and do a backflip. Although it is amusing to zzzzzee him try again and again.”

“He could potentially injure himself.”

“What a wonderful zzzight that would be.”


“What is that supposed to be?”


“But the hair dryer?

“He imaginezzzz it izz a microphone.” Beelzebub scowled. “He is making up half the lyriczzzz. He hazzz no idea how Flashlight by Parliament/Funkadelic goezzz. He izzz an embarrazzzment to Hell.”



“Zzzzzelf pleasure. With accezzzories.”


“He’s doing it again.”

“Perhaps we will eventually become uzzzzed to it.”


“I’m not watching any more of this.”

“This would work better azzz a torment for Hell.”

Gabriel turned off the projector.

“I think we can say that we’ve learned nothing new here.”

“We already knew he wazzzzz vain.”

“But we didn’t know how flexible! I’m shutting down the mirror cam.”

“Pleazzzze do. When I wish to be nauzzzeated, I can come to another meeting with you.”

“Next one in three weeks?” Gabriel’s smile managed to hold some hope.

“Hurt yourzzzzelf and I’ll be right over to zzzee.”

Beelzebub dumped hir popcorn on Gabriel’s desk and was swept away by the flies.