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Why the Two Scots on the Bus Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Raid Coulson’s Bar

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“We should date,” Ward mumbled as he pawed at Fitz’s face.

Fitz stared at him through foggy eyes for a long moment before bursting into laughter. “That’s hilarious, Ward; no offense but you’re not really my type.” Now Trip and Jemma on the other hand…Fitz shook off the thought. No. It was bad to think about all of the attractive people he was friends with when he was this shitfaced.

Ward whined and fumbled for his glass.

“Aye, no more Scotch for you, mate. As glad as I am you’re not crying into my shoulder about Skye I don’t want ya snoggin’ me instead.” These days whenever Ward got drunk he ended up crying about how sorry he was for dropping him out of an airplane and how Skye would never love him.

Fitz was so over it.

He usually didn’t even let Ward near the hard stuff anymore but when he’d found him in the bar Fitz was already three sheets to the wind.

“Are you sure you’re Scottish, mate? A thirteen year-old girl can hold her liquor better than you can, Ward.”

Ward whined again. “Skye won’t date me, you won’t date me; who am I going to make babies with?”

Fitz froze mid-swig and stared at his best friend like he’d grown an extra head. Oh man, he was going to need more booze to handle this shit.

“Ward you and I can have sex if you want but no matter how hard we try we aren’t going to make any babies.”

“Why won’t she love me?”

“I can’t imagine why,” Fitz muttered as he downed his glass, needing it to drown out Ward’s needy, pathetic whine.

“Look, mate, you just have to grow a pair and tell her how you feel. If she really doesn’t want you anymore move on but maybe if you actually tell her instead of crying over her she’ll finally shag you.”

Ward looked up at him like a child. “Do you think she’d let me?”

Fitz face palmed. “Please never get her pregnant, I fear for that child’s mental state.”

“I want to have all of her babies,” Ward slurred with a dreamy look in his eyes. “Our babies will be beautiful like Skye.”

“And be able to hold their Scotch I hope,” Fitz mumbled hoping Skye didn’t walk in to find them drinking. The last thing the poor bloke needed was for her to see him like this. Then again, maybe if she saw how pathetic he was without her she’d stop pretending to be unable to forgive him.

Fitz lifted a brow. That wasn’t a bad idea…where was his phone?

“Our babies and you and Simmons’ babies can make babies.”

“Oy, mate, I haven’t even hit thirty yet, let’s hold off on planning to make me a grandfather, yeah?”

Ward crawled over to grab another bottle but Fitz swatted his hand. “Bad, no.”

His friend let out a howl and leaned against the bar. “Fitz.”

Fitz sighed. “Yes?”

“If I’m not your dude crush who is?”

He rolled his eyes. “Ward, we’re taking you to bed before you piss and or puke yourself.”

“Nah, I mean it, I mean everyone knows you lurrrrrrrrrrrve Simmons but every dude has a dude crush, plus yunno you’re into that shit.”

Fitz pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know, Ward, who’s your man-crush?”

“Steve Rogers but shh don’t tell my princess, she’s the only one for me.”

Fitz took another drink. Maybe if he kept drinking he could be ask drunk as Ward and then this would be hilarious.

“Is it Trip? I think you and Trip and Simmons would make beautiful and smart children.”

“Yeah? Think Simmons would go for it?”

“I think so; the three of you always look ready to rip off each other’s clothes, might as well do it and populate the world while you’re at it.”

Oh God, Ward was beyond drunk. He was on a new dimension of drunk. Fitz didn’t stand a chance of carrying him off to bed but maybe he could trick him into putting himself to bed.

“You’re right, Ward, I’m going to go make babies with them right now.”

“Yes! And I will let Skye make babies with me.”

“Yeah, whatever. Look, in order to do that we need to get you to bed, okay, mate?”

“And you will get Skye for me?”

“Yeah.”

“But shhh, don’t tell Coulson, I don’t think he’ll approve of babies on his bus.”

“Yeah, no, Coulson is never going to hear about this.”

“Hear about what?”

Fitz glanced up to find May standing there with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face.

“May! Fitz and I are going to make babies!”

For once May cracked a smile.

“Help me get him to bed before he hurts himself, please?”

May didn’t look happy about it but with her help he managed to get Ward to bed and got him to agree to stay in bed by telling him that if he left his bed Skye would never give him babies. By the time Fitz tucked him in Ward was out like a light.

“Lightweight,” May muttered as she poured herself a drink when they returned to the bar.

“Aye,” Fitz agreed as he refilled his glass. This was why he preferred to drink with May, she could keep up with him, unlike the rest of the team.

“So, what’s this about you and Ward fucking?”