do you ever stay up at stupid hours, simply overthinking your existence? your whole being? there's no one to talk to, only you, your thoughts and your emotions. i know you do, you're probably doing it right now.
that's what it was like for sookyung almost constantly.
it was 3:12 am and sookyung was alone, lost in her thoughts for the third night this week. sure, she could sleep, but why do that when she could think about how much she hates her life, right? she often had the same thoughts replaying in her head like a broken record - it was impossible to get rid of them:
you're not good enough.
your ’friends’ don't care.
hyojung and seojeong aren't here when you need them most, are they?
they're sleeping, unbothered about your pathetic self.
just give up, sookyung.
it was at that point that sookyung was close to giving up. she had it all planned out - she'd even written a suicide note for if anyone ever bothered looking for her.
stupid to even think someone would notice she was gone though; sookyung was invisible while hyojung and seojeong were attached at the hip. they weren't dating, sookyung just felt like a third wheel every time they went out together. every time they went to an amusement park and she would sit behind them on the rollercoaster. every time they went out to eat and sookyung could never get what she wanted to eat because she felt like she had to get the same as her friends. was there any point anymore?
"FUCK," she screamed out. tears streamed down her face as she gripped her pillow tightly to contain herself from completely demolishing everything in her room. she was at her breaking point and just wanted to die already. it was almost funny to think that she was still at it at 3:46 am. she'd had enough of not having attentive friends, if she could even call them her friends. she was tired of her family never checking up on her. she was tired of her doctor rescheduling her appointments. sookyung was fucking exhausted. how much did it take to just have a normal life without all her dumb problems?
sookyung hadn't exactly calmed down, but was in a calmer state, if anything. she took out her phone that was under her pillow - no new messages. not to mention it was almost 4 am and she had no friends. was it too much to text a random number, so she'd maybe have someone to talk to? at this time, probably. could they be some random old man? most likely. sookyung didn't care. she was alone.
she opened the imessage app and typed in a bunch of random numbers, mentally (sometimes verbally) cursing whenever it ended up not being an iphone. she kept wondering what kind of person didn't have an iphone in 2019.
this is so fucking stupid. what mentally sane person is gonna reply to a text message at four in the fucking morning anyway?
sookyung wasn't the type to let herself get her hopes up. she'd learnt to stop herself from doing that the hard way, and for some stupid reason it took her nineteen years. all it took was everyone forgetting her nineteenth birthday before she stopped believing in anything. all she got that day was a text from hyojung asking if she could drive her somewhere because seojeong was sick. sookyung never got back to her - she was too humiliated. it should've been the other way. hyojung should've been too humiliated to face sookyung for forgetting her birthday, sookyung thought. maybe she didn't even forget. maybe the case was that she just didn't give a shit about her.
this is dumb. i'm dumb. what am i doing?
she continued searching for people to text, about to give up, until the blue numbers lit up on her screen. finally. it was a beautiful sight compared to the green numbers she kept coming across. sookyung decided to text this person. she didn't care who they were.
sookyung stared at the screen, desperate for some kind of decent human contact. anyone who would willingly talk to her. they didn't even know who she was, so why did it matter anyway? it was only a few minutes before the three typing indication dots appeared on the screen.
as anyone would, sookyung scrambled to swipe off of the screen, so she didn't look as desperate as she was. she finally received a text. suyeon? who's suyeon? must be this person's friend, she assumed.
suyeon? is this your new number? why are you texting at 4am?
no, i'm sookyung.. sorry to bother you
i'm just lonely and i thought it would be a good idea to text a random number
i guess i was wrong
quadruple texting. nice going, sookyung. now you sound like even more of a loser. you knew this was a bad idea and you did it anyway. nothing you do ever goes right.
no no it's okay!! you're lucky you got me and not some random old guy
uhh i'm haerim, nice to meet you :)
why'd you decide to text a random number? is there no one else you can talk to?
i have no friends lol
i'll be your friend
i'm just some random girl who texted you at 4am
sookyung continued to text haerim. she told her about her problems, and haerim actually listened. it was nice. no one had listened to her like this before. for once in her life, sookyung felt safe. haerim reassured her, made sure she knew she had someone to talk to.
they talked until 6 am, basically just speaking about each other's lives and other irrelevant shit. sookyung learned that haerim lived a few blocks down from her and they attended the same university. haerim majored in singing, meaning sookyung had probably seen her around before, since she majored in dance and the two buildings were connected.
it had been a while since sookyung had been completely at ease. she was happy. happy with what had come out of tonight. it wasn't the same as every other night she'd spent overthinking. she'd gained someone to talk to. a genuine friend.
thanks for talking with me, i needed it
see you around uni?
see you around uni, sookyung!!
sookyung was smiling.
thank you, haerim.