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All That I Wanted

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“You’re a fucking freak get away from me”

Those words echoed through Richie’s head pounding relentlessly, He thought it was a good thing that he finally had the courage to tell Eddie his feelings but he was so fucking wrong. As soon as he told Eddie the truth those ugly words spilled from his plush lips.

And your tears sting, friend

All Richie could do was stand there helplessly as tears streamed down his face, his best friend hated him. Once the feelings of hurt and rejection diminished the feeling of fear became ever present. He knew now that nothing could ever go back to the way it was. Eddie was surely going to tell the rest of the Loser and word traveled fast in Derry. Soon he’d be an outcast, a social pariah among the entire community. He wondered bitterly how he could have ever thought that this was a good idea. Of course Eddie wouldn’t be accepting and who could blame him.

He was right “I really am a freak” thought Richie. He ran home as fast as he could, trying to mask the sobs but there was no point, no point in keeping up the charade of hyper masculinity. No point in caving to society's expectations of little boys.

He was different, he was wrong, he was as Eddie had so sweetly put it a fucking freak. Now he felt little more than numb. No one could ever love him. He was undeserving of love and of the friendship that he had been given.

He was a burden and a sick sick individual. Why had he ever thought that Eddie might love him back? “Wow not only am I a fucking fag im also the worlds biggest idiot” he thought sorely. There really was no place for him and he knew it. It's crucial that you see the truth when looking for yourself not useless observations. All he had wanted all he had dared to be was wanted but all that he wanted was not there.

“Oh and I wonder why I'm not wanted

All that I wanted was not there

But I dared Be wanted”

-Daughter