[Organ music playing in the background]
Richie walks in the stage. The audience starts applauding and cheering immediately.
“Good evening. Hello, I’m Richie Tozier, nice to meet you. This is actually my first Netflix Special, I am kind of nervous. Y’know with all the new audience this brings, it’s actually a huge responsibility… I didn’t sleep last night, thinking of all the ways I could let the new people know how big my dick is.”
The audience laughs.
“No, seriously. This is kind of scary. I’m already seeing people on Twitter canceling me, like 20 minutes after Netflix releases this, just long enough for them to be angry at the title. But I’m used to it, you know, I’ve actually been canceled twice already, for saying homophobic slurs in past.” The audience reacts by going “wow”.
“No, no, I’m used to it, no biggie. I’m not proud of that, of course. But I’m sure people just go on their daily lives, and then they open their Twitter app, and when they read my name in the trending topics, they just go, like...” - he acts as if he is reading something on an invisible phone in his hand, and puts on a high pitched voice- “This guy, again?? Who cares if he says ‘homo’ anymore? Just stop buying tickets to his shows, so I don’t have to keep seeing him on my feed”.” The audience reacts by cheering enthusiastically.
“Just kidding, the only thing people must like seeing online more than my face, is my dick. No, seriously, if you’re sitting here today and you’ve never seen that one picture of my dick that’s been traveling around the internet for years, what are you even doing here? What is wrong with you?” The audience laughs hysterically.
“And to speak the truth, I’m pretty sure, and please keep that between us, that I’m the one who leaked that picture.” The audience gasps in surprise.
“Don’t get me wrong, I was really high, and my penis was looking flawless that day, so I just took the photo and an altruistic feeling took over my body, y’know? I went like” - and he changes his tone to his ‘I am very high right now’ tone - “Humanity needs to see this. This is something that will give them the hope they need to keep on living.’ So, I leaked it myself. And mission accomplished, since you’re all here alive tonight, thanks to my cock.” - and the audience breaks down laughing. He laughs as well, he gesticulates with his hands, looking outraged - “That doesn’t even make sense. Why are we laughing? You see, I really like my job, because I don’t even have to be any good, I just say random stuff cursing a lot and people are suddenly belly-laughing at me.” and the audience is still cheering, he waits for them to quiet down, before he keeps going.
“No, for real now, you must be wondering what the fuck is that title. Well, if you’re new here, if you have no idea who I am, I’m known as Trashmouth. Meaning that, my humor is annoyingly racy, it’s fairly trashy, to be honest. And I have zero responsibility with the words I use, so I’m never invited to Late Shows because the whole dialogue would be just ‘bleep, bleep, bleep’ until some ‘cunt’ slips out the editing, and the editor gets fired because of me” The audience laughs.
“Or is it because I’m not famous enough for people to actually care about boring Late Show stories of my life? I hope it’s the first option. But if it’s not, shit’s changing today. Because tonight, all you’re going to come across the internet is buzzfeed articles, with clickbait titles that go like “What do rapper Tyler the creator and polemic comedian Richie Trashmouth Tozier have in common?” And when you click on the link, the answer is pretty simple: “They’re both gay and homophobic.” The audience gasps loudly, and then they start clapping enthusiastically at the announcement.
“Yes, that’s true. I’m a big fucking homo and I couldn’t be more fucking proud” The clapping and cheering go on for 20 seconds straight.
“So, this is pretty much the main topic for today, my early 40s gay awakening. Okay, that’s a big fucking lie, my gay awakening happened before I even knew what being gay meant. But, y’know, I have been absent - if you follow me around, you might have noticed - and there’s a big reason to that: Two years ago, I met the love of my life for the first life in more than 25 years, and today I’m proud to call him my motherfucker husband.” As he says that, he holds his finger up, showing his wedding ring proudly. The audience goes ‘aw’ and they clap enthusiastically. Only for him to break through the cuteness:
“And when I say motherfucker husband, I really mean it, because believe me when I tell you, that his ex-wife looked exactly like his mother.” - They laugh hysterically.
“So, on this stage tonight, and in my bed every night for the rest of our lives, he is the main course. I’m telling you tonight an epic love story, with a near death experience and blow jobs that are so good, they could be considered as one.” They clap, in expectation.
“It all started, or restarted, two years ago when I got a phone-call from an old middle school friend of mine called Mike. Back then, we had a very small group of friends, and we called ourselves the Losers because we all had the same ‘small dick energy’, so we got bullied a lot, and in order to survive middle school, we stuck together, y’know? And Mike wanted to make a small reunion, back in our hometown, after more than 25 years. But I’m gonna be honest with you, I hadn’t spoken to any of them since I left the town to go to college. It’s not something I had personally against them, but I fucking hated that town, dude, and I just wanted to forget everything about it, and, well... I did a pretty good job. Don’t get me wrong, if you had grown up in Derry too, you would have wanted to forget about it. Because it’s basically the city with the highest rates of crazy people, psychotic bullies, annoying conservatives and subtle paedos per mile you will ever find. I mean it, growing up there was a motherfucking train wreck.”
“But the thing about Mike is that he is one of the most lovely people on this entire planet, and I’m saying that as a person who’s never seen him naked, so I’m certainly not biased. And he is so, so lovely, he sweet talked me into going back to my personal hell. And I’m actually glad I went, because my life would be completely different now if it wasn’t for it. I wouldn’t be married to Eddie, the fucking love of my life - and I mean it, that guy is the fucking love of my life- I wouldn’t be here today coming out, I wouldn’t have reconnected to all this people who I consider family, so... Yes, I am actually fucking glad I fell for Mike’s spell.” The audience goes ‘aw’.
“We scheduled a dinner at this Japanese restaurant, and when I arrived almost everyone but Eddie were there. And guys, I’m telling you, when he walked in, listing all his several allergies to the nearest waiter, wearing one of those polo shirts he likes, with his hair perfectly brushed back, with just the right amount of product, still holding onto his inhaler with his right hand, still so fucking tiny for his age - although he would like me to make it very clear that he is 5’9’’, so completely normal for an adult man in some countries, and I’m the one who’s an obnoxious giant.” The audience laughs. “Not only in height, in other bits too, if you know what I mean.” He pauses for the laughter.
“So, when he walked in like that, just the same old Eddie, but also so fucking hot and different, I just... Felt my whole body shaking, y’know? And by “my whole body” I mean, my whole penis. Eddie has that special affect on me.” And the audience is divided between laughs and ‘aw’s.
“And I fell in love all over again. In two days I fell in love all over again with the same person I spent all the years from the age of 13 to the age of 17 pining after. That’s how fucking amazing he fucking is. But back then, he wasn’t only fucking amazing but also too fucking married. To a woman. So: amazing, married, straight and the love of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to do some bi erasure here, but when you’re so addicted to self-loathing as I am, you always assume the worst, y’know? You always think ‘he is straight. That’s it, he’s straight. No use having such a beautiful cock if he’s not even into it’.” The audience laughs but he keeps going.
“Spoiler alert: he was so fucking into it.”
“But shit happens, you know, for better or for worse, shit happens. And in that little town in the state of Maine, shit is always huge. That town is always having the runs, you know what I mean? So, when we were kids, our personal local bully, was so crazy that he murdered his father and was sent to a prison for the mentally insane.” - The audience gasps in surprise.
“And at that same week we were all reunited, was also the week that he escaped prison and decided to come back home...” - he pauses - “I’m seeing your faces from here, you guys don’t believe me, do you? I can tell, because it’s about the same faces you make when I state that I’m an actual sex god. Which is true, by the way. No need to make those faces at me.” - The audience cracks.
“I actually considered a lot if I should tell this story, because it feels kind of personal but then I thought ‘I’m Trashmouth, I leaked my own nudes, I got banned from SNL for saying cunt, I should at least allow myself to be vulnerable for once’, so I’m telling the story, I really am. Alright, here it goes...’ And people clap enthusiastically.
“Okay, so this guy, this bully guy, he dresses like a clown and he goes around attacking people with a knife, it is quite scary. And, honestly, if anyone, like, two years ago had told me that a creepy guy in a clown costume would try to fuck me over, I would probably politely refuse, and say that I’m not that kinky.” That earns a few laughs.
“So, the Losers had left the restaurant, after one of our reunion dinners, and we were very drunk, so we walked towards this abandoned house we used to hang out in when he were kids. I remember very vividly bumping shoulders with Eddie as we walked, and it was electrifying. To me. Because to Eddie, it doesn’t matter how much he adores someone, another person’s sweat near him always makes him panic. But I like to imagine that he was nervous because he, too, managed to fall in love all over again with me. And he was also fantasying about rough sex in the nearest alley. Which he was not, by the way, he is way too mysophobic for that kinda thing” He waits for the laughs to calm down and keeps going.
“So, when we got to the house it was all fun and nostalgia at first, until that fucking clown showed up. You know, you would expect a mad man who just ran away from a mental facility to be sloppy and loud. But he took his time to go out and buy a humongous knife, to dress up like the Joker and lock all the doors so we wouldn’t run. I’ve thought a lot about that, y’know, about dying like that. It would an ironic way to die: a shitty comedian being murdered by a fake clown. And I was already in hell anyways, so it would be quite handy, I wouldn’t have to take all those trains, and boats... Because, I am SURE that all kinds of transportation to hell lead to Derry, and heaven is literally anywhere that isn’t that place. So, if real hell isn’t there... Real hell, I am so sorry, dear, but you've been officially reduced to heaven.” - People cheer and laugh.
“And to be quite honest with you guys, I never really got what was the whole deal with clowns before that happened. But people are obsessed with turning them into psychopaths. I mean, you never see a guy dressed as a teddy bear maniacally killing people in fiction! Not even Teddy Bundy dresses in character, for fucks sake.” - That makes the audience laugh for more than 10 seconds.
“But clowns, the goddamn clowns, are everywhere. The Joker, Pogo the Clown, that one alien clown in the Bill Denbrough’s novel..." - he takes a pause - "Alright, what is the is the deal with that guy, anyways? He is a great writer, okay, but why does he have an aneurysm every time he is finishing his books, so all his endings suck?” The audience laughs, agreeing with him.
“I am actually Bill’s childhood friend, I love the guy. He is one of my most famous friends, besides myself, of course. And maybe my wang, who’s been trending online for a few years now, as you guys know. But for real, I am so proud of Bill, and every time I see one of his books in some best-seller list, I can’t help but think that only some decades ago, I lost my virginity with his mom, now look at how far he went.” - The audience cracks.
“And he was actually one of the people in the abandoned house at that moment, and as soon as we identified our threat, we all instantly turned to him because he was supposed to be the creepy clown expert! But you know, he’s a stammerer, so legend has it that if you go to that house right now, at this very moment, two entire years later, you will still find Bill trying to form a whole sentence” with that, the whole auditorium laughs.
“But seriously, guys, I don’t want to get into specifics about what happened that day, because I don’t feel like it’s my place, I mean, the guy is back at the facility now, so there’s nothing more I feel like I should be saying about him. Just one last thing, the whole reason why I started telling this story in the first place: I almost watched Eddie die that day. He was trying to save me, and he did, he did save me. But then, the clown guy literally stabbed him on the back and the knife was so huge it went through him and I saw the end of it coming out of his torso.” The audience gasps in horror.
“I panicked instantly, I was putting pressure at both sides of his wound, until our friends managed to find a way out of there, and honestly that was the worse moment of my whole fucking life. Seeing the life slowly retracting from your loved one’s eyes in such way, is not something I wish to anyone, not even the SNL producer who fired me 3 years ago. And I was crying and screaming for him to stay awake, but y’know, that guy is so fucking perfect that he managed to look at me in the eye, and he said, and I quote it, ‘Rich, I have to tell you something I never had the courage to say when we were younger’, and holy shit! I really thought he’d say that he had a crush on me when we were kids, or that he still did, or anything that had something to do with loving me back in any way, but then, as the piece of shit he is, he said:” - and he pauses, in a dramatic way - “I fucked your mom” the audience laughs hard for a few seconds.
“Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I loved him at that moment. He made me laugh, and he made me cry and laugh at the same time because I thought I was losing him for good, but also his joke was so fucking funny. But then he survived. He fucking survived the creepy guy’s huge knife and today he has a hot-ass husband and a badass scar” Everyone claps and cheers, enthusiastically.
“That knife, though... I wonder how that guy even managed to buy that knife. It was huge! I mean, did he just walk in a store, wearing his mental facility’s uniform and bought it without a problem? Or was he already in clown clothes...? I guess I’ll never know. I mean, I’d get it if he had bought a gun, literally anyone can buy a gun in America, but a knife like that?? It wasn’t a kitchen knife, that thing was bigger than my dick! And you guys don’t hear me saying that very often here. So, believe me when I tell you, it was huge!”
“I was wondering the other day if having a cock as big as that knife would be a blessing or a curse. Y’know, that one game? In which people say a thing like “you’re the richest person in the world but you can only spend your money on other people”, would you accept it or not? So, I was having this dilemma, like, in a scenario where my dick’s as big as that knife but my husband and I will never fuck again because it would be just too painful... Would I want it or not? And I’m just sure that I am so fucking in love when I’m willing to give up on my ego for being able to make love to someone.” - that’s basically absurd, but the people laugh anyways.
He stops a bit, runs his hand through his face, he lets out a laugh. He says, as if he’s talking to himself:
“Beep-beep, Richie. Beep-fucking-beep. I know, I went too far... That joke I just made was a fucking lie, okay? Although I think it’s bold of me to actually try to convince anyone that I’m a top, at all! Or even a bottom, for all that matters.” - pause - “You guys can draw your own conclusions from that” - he winks at the audience and the laugh after that is kind of a relief-guffaw, that the absurd things he said were just part of a joke.
“This actually brings me back to my childhood. It was back then that I started using weird-ass, invasive, racy jokes to hide things about myself. I know I look way younger, but I actually grew up in the 80s and, since a very young age, I knew I was different from the other boys in a way that could literally get me killed in the town I lived. So, I was a literal clown, always bragging about the size of my penis and about screwing other people’s moms... Very much like today. ‘Not much character development here.” There’s a loud laugh to that.
“Only today I actually have sex, people pay to hear my bullshit and, don’t get wrong, my dick’s above average and a photo proof of that is only one google search away from you, be my guest!” That earns cheers from the crowd and someone screams loudly from the back: ‘Just found it!’. So Richie improvises:
“Good, good. Everyone, turn on your airdrops ‘cause the nice lady is about to forward the secret spell of my magic wand” And that earns a good laugh from the audience, that lasts a few seconds.
“But anyways, back to the serious stuff... I used to hide behind this racy sense of humour because I knew I was gay, and inside my head, this fact about me was something that would have to remain hidden until the end of my life. I was okay with dying a virgin as long as I convinced people that I had sex regularly, because I really did not see myself having sex with women and I didn’t think I’d ever have the courage to hit it off with a guy. But there was something messing with my plan, and it had a name, a face, an ID, an inhaler and was actually a ‘he’.” - he pauses and the audience goes ‘aw’.
“His name was Eddie, also known as the love of my life. We started hanging out when we were 10 and, in the early days, he was just my best bud, you know? Until puberty hit me like a rainbow truck and I couldn’t stop wetting my bed every night thinking about my best friend. I think this is something obligatory for every single gay, lesbian, bisexual and non-straight person on Earth: if you fit into one of those labels, then between the ages of 12 and 15 it’s just mandatory that you develop a heart-aching crush on your best friend. It’s like your application to gay-college, you just gotta survive it so they will take you in, you know?” Some people in the audience scream ‘that’s right!’ And ‘I graduated!’.
“And Eddie just fitted all the requirements to make me fall madly for him: He was too fucking short, he wore uptight clothes, he used to swear almost as much as me, he’d call me filthy and disgusting all the time, he took 5 thousand showers and useless pills per day and he’d have a panic attack if left his inhaler at home, he was a germaphobe and hypochondriac... And so fucking perfect. And when puberty hit me... Guys... I suffered so much. Because I loved him and I wanted to be with him and hang out, but I used to get all these boners and I had to learn how to find quick ways out, you know?”
“I don’t know if you guys really understand how painful that was. Y’know, when you’re a straight guy and you get into puberty, you can just avoid girls, like, you can find a happy place away from the annoying-boner world, and stay there until you get your hormones in place. But in my case, the annoying-boner world happened to have my best friend as a supreme leader, and I couldn’t just ghost him, y’know? And he was such a touchy person, I honestly thought I could die. I remember that our group of losers had a nice hideout in the woods, we used to go there to hangout and hide from bullies. And there was a goddamn hammock there, like only the one. I used to get there early just so I could be the one to get it for the rest of the afternoon... I’d lay there, read my comics and mind my own business. But the thing was, Eddie hated it when I monopolized the hammock, so he’d scream at me, and call me bad names but I’d never let him have it. Until one day, he decided to just climb in with me, with his head on the other side, and that just became a habit! He started doing it all the time! And, honestly, my tiny-puberty-self hit his highest rates of flushing, honestly... If I survived that, nothing can ever defeat me. Not even a creepy-ass clown... Meaning, my own miserable self.” - The audience laughs.
“So, he’d rest his feet next to my head and he’d just kick my face to get my attention, y’know? But honestly, the one time he decided to do that more effectively, so he had to throw my glasses on the floor with his feet, it was... At that right moment I knew that he was the fucking love of my life and no one would ever replace him, ever.” The audience goes ‘aw’.
“And nowadays, he has the audacity, the courage, to complain about my foot fetish! He created that, he was on the roots of it! It’s no one’s fault but his own” - the audience cracks at the break of the cute moment.
“But, foot fetish apart, at that moment, I was just sure that I wouldn’t die a virgin because I was gay anymore, I’d die a virgin because he was most likely straight and I didn’t really see myself being that close to anyone that wasn’t him” - the audience goes ‘aw’ again.
“But anyways, I had to find quick ways out, so he wouldn’t notice the physical manifestations of my undying love for him. And those ways I found were my jokes, that started becoming bolder and wittier everyday. So, he’d come to me like...” - he does his best Eddie impersonation - “ ‘hey, Rich, can you help with homework tonight? You can come over’ and I’d say ‘I’ll already be there fucking Mrs. K anyways...’, so he’d tell me to fuck off and nevermind. Until he started getting immunity to my comebacks, like the superbugs he’s so terrified of, and I just fell even more in love with him, because he really did stuck with me, y’know? Even if I had an apparent creepy-ass obsession with his beloved momma.”
“So, moving on, when I was thirteen and already completely, madly in love with the love of my life, I had a friend, a fellow Jew, who used to be part of our group of Losers, named Stanley. Stan, along with Eddie, was my best friend, and he knew me better than anyone. He used to notice the small changes in my behavior and just spill them all out on my face. And he was the first one to notice my crush on Eddie. Seriously, he found out all on his own. That’s actually a funny story, how he found out. He waited for all our friends to leave our hideout, so we were alone, and he asked me, with the most innocent face in the world, why on Earth had I spent the whole afternoon subtly staring at Eddie’s crotch when we shared that goddamn hammock.” The audience laughs.
“I, of course, absolutely panicked and then I said that I was trying to analyse the size of his balls, so I could compare his’ to mine, and know if mine were inflamed, because they were just too big for the size of my penis. And then I... ran.” He pauses, to give space to the laughter.
“I ran and I cried all night long, as if my biggest secret had been discovered and my funny-ass mask wasn’t enough to keep me safe anymore. The day after, I couldn’t even look at Stan’s face, and I think he understood that, because he just acted as if nothing happened. Until a few days later, when we were hanging out at the hideout again, and Eddie had to go home really early because of his curfew, so I said that his mom only makes him go home by 6, because she wants him to sleep early, so I can sneak in without him noticing.” The audience laughs.
“Everyone cracked, of course. Even Eddie laughed after calling me a motherfucker.” - he pauses to chuckle at his own pun - “But then, later, when I was biking home with Stan, he turned to me and he said: ‘Dude, you’re never gonna get Eddie to like you back if you keep creeping on his mom like that.’ “ The audience gasps and claps enthusiastically.
“Well, that took me by surprise, and I panicked, of course, for a few seconds, but he wasn’t really judging me. I looked at him, and it was as if we were having a conversation like any other, and that eased me a great deal. So, then, I took a deep breath and I told him that I didn’t have any trouble with that when I conquered his dad’s heart by bragging about fucking his grandma.” The audience cracks in laughter.
“Guys, guys, don’t laugh!” And the audience keeps laughing.
“I’m being serious here, that was an actual emotional moment for me.” And he waits a few moments until the auditorium is quiet.
“Because for the first, and one of the only moments in my life, I had used “your dad” instead of “your mom” in one of those kind of jokes. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not some creep who has a kink on having sex with other people’s parents, but changing that joke, that only started existing in the first place to hide my insecurities, was a sign that I trusted Stan with my deepest fear. I didn’t need to be protected from him. He wasn’t a threat. So, maybe there wasn’t really something wrong with me being who I was, if the nicest person I knew didn’t have a problem with it.” He pauses, the audience is completely quiet, and then he gasps a little.
“Shit got dark fast, uh? I knew I should’ve somehow mentioned the size of my dick in the middle of all that.” And the audience laughs, in the middle of some sniffs.
“But deep down I knew he understood what that meant to me. I was coming out for the first time, y’know. I didn’t say “I’m gay” but I didn’t deny it either. And that was a huge fucking deal. Because being gay at that time was a scary experience. And for guys my age, in Derry, it was an offence you’d throw at your friends, that would earn you a punch in the arm. It was the worse thing a bully could call you, because if a bully called you that, people would look at you differently for the rest of your school life. I remember that when I was 12, when my dad gave me the ‘sex talk’, it was basically the ‘don’t be gay’ talk. You see, my dad wasn’t very present, and neither was my mom, they used to work a lot, but in the 80s, parents were so afraid of homosexuality, because all of the media disinformation and the Aids crisis, that even the most absent parents warned their kids about it. And the way my dad chose to address it, it was quite weird, he just came into my room one day and he said: ‘You know, Leonardo da Vinci… was one of the great inventors and painters of the 15th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.’ ” - the audience laughs- “And I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a renaissance artist. But that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy. How would that ever work? Like, years later, I’d be in college about to go down on some rocking twink and I’d be like, ‘Wait a second… What would Leonardo da Vinci do?’. Well, it’s weird because that’s exactly what I think whenever I’m about to have sex, so maybe, that was the right thing to say.” - the audience laughs - "But, to be honest, in the 80s, the only queer things you were allowed to openly enjoy, without being judged, were David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, lesbian porn made for creepy straight men and computers.” The audience gasps, in a laugh of confusion.
“That’s right, the computer was invented by a gay man called Allan Turing, who, besides his gayness, had one other thing in common with the two other guys: he was also British. I actually have a theory I’d like to share about that: I’ve thought a lot about it, and I am almost sure that whatever supernatural force that may or may not rule this planet, must have, at some point, looked at that island and said: ‘in order to make some kind of impact in civilization, any person who’s from this place will have to be either gay or an imperialist... or both.’ Both is better. You double your chances.” and he pauses, giving some empty space for the laughter.
“But, anyways, going back to Stan: in a world like that, in a city like that, at the age we were, he understood how important that moment was for me. So he didn’t roll his eyes at me, which was a major Stan move, something he used to do all the time. He just nodded a little, patted me on the shoulder and whispered” - And Richie pauses, gets closer to the mic, until he can feel the audience’s expectation, and he whispers dramatically into the mic: “Fuck off”
And the audience breaks down in laughter.
“And just like that, he walked away. I’d never felt so grateful for having such an amazing best friend in my entire life. He was there for me, you know? And maybe that was the reason why I felt so fucking angry at myself when I found out, at the Losers’ reunion, two years ago, that Stan had taken his own life, only one week before the event.” The audience gasps in surprise and horror.
“And I hadn’t been there for him when he needed a friend the most. In fact, I wasn’t even part of his life for decades! I didn’t know where he was, how he’d been, if he had children, if his dad still was the hottest daddy in town...”
People are literally sniffing, but you can hear a few chuckles.
“And I almost lost the love of my life at that same weekend I heard that my best friend was gone. So, I think it’s pretty clear that shit got dark as fuck. And I had no idea how to deal with it. I mean, my only two defense mechanisms were jokes about my penis, and about fucking mothers, and I was sure as fuck, that they wouldn’t get me through grief. Specially when all the adrenaline went down and I realized that Eddie had almost died before my eyes, and I didn’t have the guts to even tell him how I felt! In fact, he was back in New York with his then wife, and I couldn’t even get myself to send him a text. And I know what you guys must be thinking, we didn’t even see each other for almost 27 years, so that shouldn’t be so hard for me. And well, that is kind of true. For almost 27 years, I didn’t even think of Eddie, it felt as if I had almost forgotten about him completely! But I didn’t forget about him this time. In fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about him! So, I found my way of coping: something worse than drinking, something worse than getting high everyday…” - he pause - “I went to therapy” - With that, the audience cracks.
“So, when, 5 months after the clown incident, he shows up at my doorstep, telling me he left his wife, and he didn’t have anywhere to stay, so he found my address online, and he traveled all the way from New York to LA, even though he was still recovering from his injury, I was already emotionally mature enough to just look at him and ask him if New York City was so expensive that he couldn’t just afford a hotel room.” He waits for the laughter to quiet down, and keeps going:
“And he had to say no more. He had to do no more. ‘Cause at that moment I knew he reciprocated my feelings, because, you gotta believe me, he wouldn’t, he just wouldn’t, expose his wound to so much bacteria for someone he didn’t, at least, madly love. I mean, I even considered if I loved him that crazy amount. Because, to me, the matching sacrifice would be like... Saying that Friends is better than Seinfeld in casual conversations for the rest of my life.” the audience gasps.
“‘Just kidding, of course, I would do that for him. I think. In a hypothetical situation... Maybe.” He stares ahead and shakes his head, the audience laughs.
“But the thing about my husband is that he does not take risks. Specially when it comes to health and cleanness. He actually evaluates risks for a living, he is a risk analyst. And it may seem like he does a very shitty job, since he managed to get stabbed by a clown and then he crossed the country looking for his high school almost-sweetheart, but if you’re his boss, and you’re watching this, please don’t fire him. That man... He just doesn’t leave the goddamn house without every risk from home to work being specifically calculated, and he does that every day! Every single day! Because there might be something new he didn’t consider the day before. And that’s exactly why the fact that he did something so reckless for me, was enough for me to just come up to him and say that I loved him too” - the audience goes ‘aw’, he pauses - “after a few weeks of pining, of course. Not right away... I’m a fucking coward. But, you know, after everything between us was settled, I started thinking of some big gestures I could make, to kind of thank him for his’.”
“In fact, the day we slept together for the first time I really did consider wiping myself all over with anti-viral tissues, y’know, as a proof of my undying love and undeniable horniness. But he said I didn’t need to, and I think that was a bigger gesture than the one time he left his wife for me. ” - and the audience cracks. He takes a long pause.
“His ex-wife though...” and the crowd is already laughing in expectation. He ends up cracking up as well, and he slips off the script:
“I can’t, I’m sorry” - he’s still laughing - “I can’t keep ignoring this, there’s this couple in the front row that has been whispering to one another...” -he pauses to laugh, he takes a deep breath -“ ‘this guy’s getting a divorce today, bruh’ for a while now“ - the audience laughs.
“Alright, alright, that’s reasonable thinking, I’m roasting the hell out of my husband here, but as I said, he is the love of my life, and I actually showed him the script when I finished it and he loved it, okay? He made me sleep on the couch for a few days, but that’s just usual business” - he waits for the crowd to stop laughing - “No, no, he didn’t do that, that’s a lie. But just so you know, this script is all husband-approved and since I don’t want to divorce the love of my life, I’m walking on thin ice here, holding on the off-script jokes harder than I was when I let the word ‘cunt’ roll off my tongue on SNL.” - the audience laughs and claps enthusiastically.
“Alright” - he lets out a muffled laugh - “... My husband’s ex wife though...” - he pauses, admiring the audience’s expectation - “Don’t get your hopes up, I am not talking shit on her. Not because I’m a good person, not because I have morals, but because I can’t really afford to get sued right now. I just got married which is expensive, being a second-class non-family friendly comedian does not pay that well and my husband has already told me that he is not spending his hard-earned good corporate salary on lawsuits, so I’m on my own here. No talking shit on his ex.” - the crowd goes ‘aw’ in mild disappointment.
“What I can say, is that she looks, she acts and she sounds exactly like his mother.” - the audience instantly breaks down in laughter- “Which is not necessarily a good or bad thing, it’s just a fact. Not enough to get me sued, or so I hope. And if you look at a picture of both of them, like side by side, you just instantly think: ‘oh, well, that guy sure has a type’ “ - and there’s more laughter.
“No, I’m being serious here. They’re identical. And if that’s his type, there’s gotta be at least one major thing in me that resembles them, right? And that kind of made me insecure, like, really insecure. Because I’m nothing like them, or at least I think so. The other day I had just taken a shower, I was alone in the bathroom and I just started analyzing my body in front of the mirror, y’know” - he acts as if he is doing just that - “and a strange thought popped up my mind” - he goes full on acting, as if he was in front of a mirror - “ ‘what if I’m getting fat, and that’s why Eddie feels attracted to me?’” - the audience chuckles.
“And then, I went into a whole new mindset, I started thinking: holy shit, what if I’m a germaphobe, hypochondriac who treats Eddie as if he is made of glass and I’m the only one who hasn’t noticed? And that’s why he is in love with me?” - the crowd laughs.
“But nah... He literally got stabbed on my watch, so...” - he pauses and chuckles to himself, people laugh at how absurd that sounds - “and I did some sort of self-analysis and, well, I’m a filthy bastard who takes one shower a day and goes to the doctor once every two years. So, the only logical conclusion is that....” - he pauses dramatically, looking proud of himself - “I cured my husband’s oedipus complex.” - he pauses, the audience laughs - “He is no longer in love with his mom, he is no longer looking for her in his sexual partners. And I’m the living proof of that. So, I might as well be the cure” - the audience claps enthusiastically - “thank you, thank you” - he bows down to the auditorium.
“And, well, we spent two weeks in Europe in our honeymoon, we just arrived like a few weeks ago, and when we were there I really considered visiting Sigmund Freud’s grave to confront him, y’know? I really fantasied about it, about coming up to him and saying ‘yo, you sloppy bitch. I did it. I proved you wrong. My husband doesn’t have sexual desire for his mom anymore. Whatcha gonna do about it?’” - he pauses - “I even pictured the little victory dance I’d do on his grave. But then I decided against it, because, I know it’s meant to be dramatic and rhetorical, but what if he answers me back? That’s always a possibility, right?” - the crowd laughs.
“Or worse, what if his ghost decides to hunt me in my sleep and make me face all my daddy issues and childhood trauma?” - and then there’s louder laughter.
“So, no, no, my pride’s not worth the risks of it. And deep down I was still a bit insecure, y’know, still looking for similarities between his mom and I, to just understand why on Earth that god of a man is, somehow, in love with me. Until one day, I decided to share my insecurities with him, I just let it all out. And his reaction, god, I love him for his reaction. He listened to me closely, I saw a loose smile peaking on the corner of his mouth, and he suddenly looked outraged.” - he does his best Eddie face - “ and he said, ‘how dare you compare yourself to my mother, you piece of shit?’ “ - the audience gasps in surprise and laugh.
“Yes, that’s how we interact, our whole relationship is based on bickering. And he threw me a good one... I had to think of a comeback that would overcome that. So, I looked at him, and I said ‘oh yeah, she was incomparable. I used to fuck her too, you know’.” - the crowd goes ‘whoa’ and claps enthusiastically.
“Oh, yeah, that was a good one. So good, that we both instantly cracked in laughter and then we fucked.” Everyone just gasps.
“No, that’s a lie. That would’ve been creepy as fuck, we’re not perverts. It’s just that it felt like a good moment to introduce the sex topic into this material.... Very awkward and inappropriate, just the way I like it.” - they chuckle.
“But I don’t know if you guys have ever had the opportunity to experience this, but having sex with your soulmate is just... something else” - and the crowd goes ‘aw’.
“I actually wrote 2 whole explicit pages on our sex life, but it’s only available for Patreons. You guys can dm me on Instagram, or something, and I’ll send you the link” - there’s a ‘aw’ of playful disappointment coming from the audience.
“No, no, I’m just kidding. My husband actually censored both of the pages. Which made me very upset. But then he told me, and I quote it, ‘we’re not the fucking Kardashians, you asshole’” - the audience laughs.
“And that kind of convinced me because I really don’t have the money or the mental health for so much plastic surgery and manufactured family drama.” - he pauses, giving the audience space to laugh - “no, I’m being serious. Even real, organic family drama has me completely spent. We got a dog recently, and just getting him to actually learn how to poop in the right place, to me, is family drama enough for a lifetime. I honestly just want to be a married bachelor, y’know? A guy, a bachelor, who’s only involved with this one person for the rest of his life, who enjoys his everyday life with him, who loves and protects him at all costs, but still is a bachelor. So, no drama.” - everyone laughs.
“And I don’t know how that’s relevant for my just-married denial, but I’m Jewish and my husband was raised Catholic. Well, we’re both not really religious, I’m actually a terrible Jew, I think Israel is a racist State, and he probably thinks that the Black Friday is nothing but a day when shops go on sale, so he’s a terrible catholic too” - people laugh, so he pauses - “but we have differences in our religious upbringings and we realized this recently, when we were arguing if we should get the dog a circumcision.” - the audience laughs for a few seconds - “That’s a joke, of course. The dog doesn’t even have balls anymore, so that discussion would’ve been useless” - there’s laughter, he pauses - “But seriously now, those different religious backgrounds haven’t come up with our kids, because we don’t have any kids, of course, we just got married, like last month. But our friends and family just keep asking us, ‘Are you going to have kids?’ and we say no. And then they go, ‘Never? You’re never going to have kids?’ Look, I don’t know ‘never’. Seven years ago, I smoked cocaine before my life-changing SNL audition, and that probably got me the job. Now, living with a risk analyst has convinced me that I should be afraid to get a flu shot before anything career-related, because it might get me high. So, I don’t know, people change.”
“But we’re not thinking about having children anytime soon, which is great, because the concept of married bachelors just does not apply to households with children, and I’m not ready to let that label go yet. But the dog... Holy fuck, the dog drives me crazy. He is a Pomeranian, you know, all cute and fluffy. We didn’t actually buy him, we didn’t actually want him, but our friends Bev and Ben (who are hot, rich and married, I’d honestly pay to see them having sex) gave him to us because their dog had children and they didn’t know what to do with them. And our dog is a sweet little devil. No, actually he is not even that sweet, he is just a full-on devil with fluffy hair.” - the audience goes ‘aw’.
“No, no, no, don’t ‘aw’ him. That’s ridiculous. He is one of the most angry dogs I’ve ever met, he bites all the furniture he can reach, and honestly he doesn’t know how to take a shit like a civilized animal. You guys have to understand me." - he pauses - "Just imagine you’re in a horror movie and suddenly you have three doors in front of you, each one of them has a sign: Scary, Very scary and Not scary at all. And you have no choice but to choose one of them. So, you go to the Not Scary At All one, because fuck it, you’ve nothing to loose. And when you open it, behind the door there’s, wait for it, my dog. And that’s a relief, it’s a cute Pomeranian, right? Not scary at all, the sign was telling the truth. So, then, when you take one step ahead, the cute dog eats you whole and then goes on and poops on your carpet.” - the audience cracks in laughter.
“Honestly, that dog is one of my least favourite people in the entire world. I love him very much.” - the crowd laughs - “and leaving him to go on our honeymoon was actually very painful for both Eddie and I, we FaceTimed him all the time. Eddie actually liked it better, because the dog couldn’t lick him and spread germs on his face through the phone screen. He said this to me, and I actually suggested giving the dog up for adoption and buying a tamagotchi for us both to raise...” - the audience laughs - “he didn’t like the idea, though. Too bad, too bad, apparently tamagotchis have really short life expectancies. They’re just not worth the grief.” - and there’s more laughing.
“Our honeymoon was very fun, as I said, we went to Europe and we had some fun times, but my husband absolutely hated it. Because one thing you can’t see on pictures and in most tourism articles and YouTube videos, is that that place is basically New York City as a continent: It’s full of rats.” - the crowd laughs - “I mean, the rats are everywhere, wherever you go, specially in Paris. And when we were there, Eddie just couldn’t chill! He was honestly sure that he was gonna leave that city with the bubonic plague.” - the auditorium is filled with laughter - “it would be like our ultimate marriage gift...”
“And at first I was like ‘come on, baby. Stop being paranoid. We’re not in the Middle Ages anymore’, but he started listing all these countries where people actually died of bubonic plague in the 21th century, and why this disease is never eradicated, and that there’s no cure at all... Until I was convinced that the UN should shut Paris down because the rats would end humanity.” - the crowd laughs.
“Being with Eddie has that affect on me, you know. Out of the sudden, all these things I ignored or I didn’t care about my whole fucking life, now can apparently get me killed in a heartbeat. Like, suddenly I have to do things such as putting on my seatbelt in the backseat, washing my hands before meals, doing all these prostate exams all the fucking time, if you know what I mean.” - the audience laughs, he takes a pause.
“And all those rat-related breakdowns, actually made my husband kind of grumpy for most of our trip. Which earned me some fun moments and very angry sex. So, this one day we were starting our morning, and Eddie was very stressed because he saw a rat coming out of a trashcan next to our hotel, and he decided to go to a drug store. That’s the place he goes to relax, you see. Some people like to buy clothes to release stress, some like to buy junk food, others buy alcohol... My husband buys placebos.” - the crowd cracks and he waits a bit for them to calm down. - “That’s his thing. Fake pills.” - another pause, he is laughing to himself. - “So, this one day, he went to the drug store and I decided to go buy us some coffee and croissants on my own. So, the thing was, he was wearing one of my merch shirts, you know, the one where there’s my face in a trashcan, because ‘haha’ so funny, I am Trashmouth.”
“And when I came back, he actually told me that a couple of American tourists approached him and pointed out my shirt, saying they were my fans too. So, he looked at them and he said ‘oh, no. I’m not his fan. I hate him’. “ - the audience laughs.
“And then when they asked him why was he wearing my merch then, he said that he thought he had bought it from a hater, because I’m in a trashcan in the shirt, and he was very upset that he he actually ‘gave this asshole his money’” - there’s more laughter. - “And the worse part is, he didn't even pay for the shirt! I gave it to him.”
“I don’t actually know if that interaction really happened or if he made it up to mess with me, but honestly, either way, how wholesome is it? I really, really hope it happened. I mean, my husband is such a little bitch, I love him so much.” - the audience goes ‘aw’.
“Being married to him has been a great experience, our everyday life is a blast of cleaning and bickering. And I actually never thought I’d ever open up like this on stage, and I have him to thank for all of this. Because I suddenly have familly now, and fuck you if you hate my material or want to cancel me for whatever reason, I fucking have a home to come back to and that concept just blows my mind. Da Vinci would be proud of me, I don't even have to cosmically ask him for advise anymore.” - the audience goes ‘aw’. He takes a long pause.
“So, this was Richie Trashmouth Tozier in the non-sapien homo world. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you very much.” - the audience cheer.
“Don’t forget to raise the hashtag ‘cuntonSNL’, to press them into taking me back, so I can get banned again. I really could use all the press!” - the audience is laughing and cheering - “So, don’t forget! Hashtag cunt on SNL. Thank you so much! Goodbye.” - There’s “Lithium” playing on organ in the background and he leaves the stage in the middle of loud cheers.
When Richie goes backstage, he soon comes across Eddie, Beverly, Bill, Mike and Ben who were watching his routine from there. They all look cheerful and drunk. Eddie hugs him tight right away.
“You’re such a fucking asshole, you know that, right? You absolutely rocked it.” - he says into the hug.
“Yeah? Do you think I got Mrs. K horny from heaven?” - he answers, hugging him back.
“Yeah, you wish” - and then, Eddie lets him go, giving him a peck on the lips. Richie, then, goes on to hug his other friends. Beverly stumbles, before she basically throws herself into his arms.
“We did a little drinking game, y’know? We took a shot every time you mentioned your genitals and every time you called Eddie the love of your life.” - she says, and she doesn’t let go. Mike joins in the hug.
“Oh! And every time you said something that would probably make Stan roll his eyes.” - Mike says.
Richie smiles, and when he finally breaks free from their embrace, Bill approaches him with a vodka bottle, taking a swing, and handing it to him right after.
“For- for Stan, right?” - Bill says.
“And for gay rights!” - Ben screams from the back.
“For Stan supporting gay rights!” - Richie screams, taking a swing.
And in a heartbeat, all of his friends are hugging him in an uncomfortable, awkward way, and he couldn’t be happier. He has a family now, that’s his family. He has a home to go back to, and he is happy. He is finally happy.