Lena knows it’s not going to be an easy conversation. For her mostly, because she’s been doubting her decision to finally talk about it since she came to terms with it a couple weeks ago.
But she knows she has to. She’s been putting it off and she’s feeling guilty. Because Kara deserves the truth. She should know what she’s getting into – if that’s still what she wants.
And Lena’s scared that it won’t be, but she can’t blame her. It’d break her heart if Kara didn’t want to be with her, but she’d get it.
(And maybe that’s the saddest part).
When the door to their shared dorm finally opens, Kara can’t help but beam when she spots the brunette sitting on the edge of her bed. Lena can’t help but smile back.
“I stopped by Noonan’s on the way home and they had that muffin you like so I got you two.” Kara smiles, handing the paper bag to the brunette before bending down to give her a forehead kiss.
“Thank you darling.” Lena replies softly, but too uneasy to eat, puts the bag on her desk before turning back to a worried looking Kara.
“What’s wrong?” She asks with a frown, sitting down next to Lena quickly.
“I need to talk to you.” Lena breathes out nervously, trying her best to keep her emotions in check.
“You can always talk to me.” Kara nods with a serious look on her face that makes Lena smile adoringly.
“I know, but- I’m scared.” Lena admits around the lump suddenly forming in her throat.
“That’s okay.” Kara reassures her quickly, grabbing one of the brunette’s hands in both of hers, squeezing softly. “Take your time, I’m right here.”
“It’s just-” Lena starts before taking a deep breath and trying again, “It’s going to change things… between us.” She says slowly, shyly looking up at Kara’s face to gauge her reaction.
“In a good or bad way?” Kara asks after a second, tucking some hair behind Lena’s ear, and Lena knows she’s trying to reassure her with small gestures, like she always does.
“I’m not sure.” Lena admits with a defeated sigh, looking back down at their hands. “I’m scared that- I’m scared that you’ll change your mind, about us dating.” She finished weakly.
As scared as she was to look up and see Kara’s reaction, she can’t help herself when she hears the blonde astounded laugh echo around the room.
“Lena, we’ve talked about this.” She smiles, stroking the side of Lena’s face delicately. “I want to be with you, whenever you’re ready. Nothing will ever make me change my mind about you, about us.” She assures her, catching one of Lena’s tears with her thumb.
Lena can’t answer right away; she’s too busy holding herself back from bursting into tears. She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths to try and calm her racing heart, and when she opens them again, Kara’s looking at her the same way she’s been looking at her since they met on their first day of college. With devotion.
On their first day, Lena couldn’t understand why this blonde stranger was so intent on making conversation with her, and on becoming friends. Luthors weren’t raised to socialize with their peers, they were taught to walk over them.
But Kara had persisted. Even when Lena had been despicable, she always forgave her. And eventually, the ruthless Luthor gave in.
“What if- what if it’s something that means that we wouldn’t be right for each other?” Lena whispers eventually, holding her breath as she waits for Kara to think it over.
“Do you not want to be with me anymore?” Kara asks softly, head tilting nervously to the side.
“No, no! I do Kara, I really do.” Lena is quick to reply, squeezing Kara’s hand in reassurance this time. “And I think I’m ready now,” she says slowly, but as she sees the smile blooming on the blonde’s face, she raises a hand to let her know she’s not done, and her smile falters as worry lines appear between her brows, “but I also figure out why I wasn’t before.” The brunette finishes softly.
“Why weren’t you?” Kara asks carefully, giving Lena time to answer when the brunette clearly struggles with what to say next.
“In class a few weeks ago, we- we talked about different sexualities.” Lena starts eventually.
“Yeah?” Kara prompts her when she’s been silent for a good minute, smiling reassuringly at her to let her know everything’s okay.
“I thought I knew a lot, because I like girls, and you’re bi, and we have gay and trans friends, but it turns out that there’s so much I didn’t know about.” She explains quickly, nervously. “The teacher started a discussion and people started throwing out names of things I hadn’t even heard of before, and even though she explained most of them, I googled them all when I got home and I- I figured something out about myself that I ignored before.” She finally admits.
“Is that what you’re afraid of telling me?” Kara asks softly, eyes full of compassion in a way that makes Lena feel safe.
When she nods, Kara sighs and wraps both arms around Lena in a sideway hug before kissing her shoulder.
“If you’re not ready to talk about it yet, we don’t have to. You know that right?” Kara asks, not wanting to pressure Lena into saying anything.
“I know.” Lena answers, “But I want to. It’s hard, because I don’t know how it’ll affect us, but you should know.”
“Whatever it is, I’m not going anywhere.” Kara replies with a comforting smile, “Take your time.”
“In high school, when I came out, the only other lesbian I knew was Veronica Sinclair.” Lena starts slowly, falling deeper into Kara’s arms, searching for the comfort she always gets from snuggling with the blonde. “I was… inexperienced and I had no idea what I was doing so I went to her and I asked her how to differentiate a crush and a female friend you just… like a lot, I guess.”
“What did she say?” Kara asks, stroking up and down Lena’s arm.
“She said that all I had to do was picture myself sleeping with them and if that didn’t disgust me, then it probably meant that I liked them as more than a friend.” Lena tells her with a shrug.
“That makes sense I guess.” Kara answers thoughtfully.
“It does, doesn’t it?” Lena laughs softly. “Except that I couldn’t picture myself sleeping with anyone at the time, so I figured there wasn’t anyone that I liked that way. Which was fine, I was only 17.” She shrugs again. “But the issue is that there hasn’t been anyone that I could see myself doing that with since then.” She finally admits, and when Kara doesn’t answer right away, she can feel her tears threatening to fall again.
“Oh.” The blonde finally says, and Lena panics.
“I just always thought that the right person would come along, and that I’d finally feel ready you know? But then I met you, and you’re- you’re perfect and yet I can’t- I don’t feel it either.” Despite the tears making their way down her cheeks, Lena can’t stop talking now. “So I told you that I wasn’t ready to date anyone, and I just hoped and hoped that I’d be ready eventually, but I-” Lena stops as she sniffles, “I’m not.” She shakes her head as she sobs in Kara’s arm, the blonde staying perfectly silent throughout her monologue. “And then my teacher started talking about asexuality and I- I felt something in me change, so I came home and googled it and I-” She stops again to take a deep breath, biting her lip nervously, knowing that her next words might well be what breaks her and Kara’s future relationship. “I think I’m asexual.”
“Lena-” Kara starts, but despite dying to hear what she has to say, Lena can’t help but interrupt her.
“And I can only imagine what you’re thinking now, but please know I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you wait for me in vain, I just didn’t know before, and I understand if that’s not something you can’t look past, I don’t expect you to, I just- I just hope it doesn’t end our friendship completely.” When Lena finishes, she’s shaking, but all she can feel is Kara’s arms tightening around her, and the kiss she presses to her temple.
“I’m not mad, and you have nothing to apologize for.” Kara starts with, and Lena can’t help but think that she’s dreaming it all. “I’m proud of you.” She continues but Lena can’t take it anymore and turns her head to look at Kara with bloodshot eyes.
“What?” She asks shakily, eyes widening when she realizes that Kara has been crying too.
“I’m so proud of you. For discovering this part of you, coming to terms with it, and feeling comfortable enough to talk to me about it.” Kara answers, giving Lena a watery smile.
“You are?” Lena whispers, voice hoarse after all of her crying.
Kara nods and kisses Lena’s forehead for a long second, pulling back to look at Lena again. “I don’t want you to feel like you owe me or anyone an apology alright? You didn’t know, and that’s totally understandable. But even if you had, you’re not obligated to tell me anything. I would never be mad at you for keeping some things to yourself.” The blonde assures her.
“But it changes things, doesn’t it?” Lena makes herself ask, even if she feels like she already knows the answer.
“The only thing that’s going to change is that I’m going to be extra careful when we do something new.” Kara says softly. “You told me once that you love my forehead kisses, is that still true?” She asks genuinely.
“Yes, of course.” Lena answers without having to think about it.
“Okay, then I’ll keep doing that.” Kara assures her, giving her another kiss for good measure. “How do you feel about cheek kisses?” she asks next.
“I- I think that’ll be fine.” Lena answers shyly, thinking about the blonde doing just that.
“Can I try?”
When Lena nods, Kara leans in slowly, giving the brunette ample time to pull away if she changes her mind, but Lena doesn’t, and when Kara’s lips connect with her cheek, she feels herself smile.
“Good?” Kara asks with a knowing smile when she pulls away, grinning wider when Lena nods again.
“What about right here?” Kara asks nervously then, her index finger reaching out to touch Lena’s lips tentatively.
Lena feels herself blush and when she bites her lip – a nervous habit she’s been trying to kick – she accidentally bites Kara’s finger with it. She blushes 10 times harder when she hears Kara’s soft laugh and hides her face in her hands, horrified.
“I’m sorry.” She mumbles from behind her hands, but Kara keeps laughing.
“Don’t be.” Kara laughs. “We’ll try that later, or not, depending on what you feel like.” She shrugs it off so easily that Lena finally finds the courage to ask her the question that’s been bothering her for weeks now.
“Do you still want to be with me?” She asks, looking up even though she’s terrified.
“Yes.” Kara answers easily with a smile.
“Even though I’m broken?” The brunette asks, voice breaking on the last word.
“You’re not broken.” Kara argues immediately. “You’re perfect, and I’d be a fool to not want to be with you.”
“But I-” Lena frowns. “I can’t give you… you know.” She trails off with a blush.
“I don’t need sex to be happy Lena. I just need you.” Kara answers with an affectionate shake of her head. “You’re all I want.” She shrugs.
“But what if- what if you need it eventually and I can’t do it?”
“How long have you known me?” Kara asks her then and she’s confused but answers anyway.
“Almost 2 years.”
“And how many times have I had sex in that time?”
“I uh- I don’t know.” She answers with a blush, jealousy flaring up deep in her gut.
“None.” Kara answers for her. “Because I’ve been captivated by you since you frowned at me the second I walked into our dorm freshman year. And that’s not going to change. I don’t want anyone else. Haven’t felt the need, and I’m pretty sure I never will as long as I get to call you my girlfriend.”
As soon as the words are out of Kara’s mouth, Lena starts tearing up again. “You want me to be your girlfriend?”
“More than anything.” Kara nods with a smile. The lack of hesitation in the blonde’s words make Lena cry in relief.
“I was so scared.” She admits, hiding her face in Kara’s shoulder, enjoying the feeling of Kara’s arms hugging her so tightly.
“I know.” Kara kisses her hair. “And that’s why I’m so proud of you.”
They hug in silence for a long time, Lena wonders if moving is really a necessity – she’d gladly stay right where she is forever. But they have to eventually, because their position isn’t the most comfortable one and her back is starting to tense up. So she pulls back, wipes the remaining tears of her face and leans forward to press a quick kiss to Kara’s cheek.
“I love you.” She whispers. And she knows they’ve said those words to each other before, but she also knows that they can both feel the difference in those ones.
“I love you too.” Kara says it back with so much love in her eyes that Lena tears up again and wonders when she became such an emotional person.
It doesn’t really matters though, because she’s never been happier.