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How to Get Your Man Off in Six Years or Less

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It’s two years after he pushes Luo Binghe into the abyss that Shen Qingqiu gets struck with a curse that definitely was not in the original book.

 

Shen Qingqiu would have remembered, okay, if there was a demonic poison that gave you a vagina and only papapa would send you back to normal!

 

“I’ve heard it mentioned, in a few old scrolls,” Mu Qingfang says, frowning and poking at Shen Qingqiu’s breasts (breasts!) like he’s a curious insect to be studied. At least they’re mostly unnoticeable; thank you for the small breast genes, mom. “I didn’t realize that this poison was still being produced.”

 

“It may not be,” Shen Qingqiu says, leg still aching from the heavy blow of the pot containing the poison. It was thrown at Shang Qinghua’s head when he and Shen Qingqiu chased a demon into a rich old geezer’s treasure vault, stuffed with all sorts of dusty, priceless artifacts; but Shang Qinghua had dodged the pot and left it to smash open all over Shen Qingqiu’s leg, completely dousing his lower half in the noxious poison. The demon had kept throwing, and the cultivators had kept dodging, and it was only a few minutes later that Shen Qingqiu felt the sudden absence of-

 

“A shame,” Mu Qingfang says, lifting the remnants of Shen Qingqiu’s favorite pair of pants, which he had dutifully brought with him when he reported to the medical peak. “I would love to have gotten a sample for study.” Tragically for Mu Qingfang, there remains approximately 70 square centimeters of fabric, and no purple liquid at all. The poison had eaten straight through the cloth, mysteriously not harming Shen Qingqiu’s skin in the slightest, but leaving him in an extremely awkward state of attire. A comforting way to be clothed in the moment you discover that your genitals have swapped themselves out.

 

Shen Qingqiu’s face gathers in a storm cloud for the fourth time today. Shang Qinghua had sworn up and down that he hadn’t written this, but it sure reads like one of his stupid horny plot devices.

 

When he gets his hands on that stupid author…!

 

“Well, at least the cure is fairly straightforward,” Mu Qingfang says, a slight note of doubt in his voice. “I believe that the scrolls all concur that a simple orgasm will send the afflicted back to normal.”

 

Jacking off? This can be solved by jacking off? Shen Qingqiu is set! He’s an expert! He’ll just have to get used to some new equipment, but that’s no problem, he’s a fast learner!

 

“I’ll check the scrolls to confirm,” Mu Qingfang says. “Hopefully this problem will be solved quickly.”

 

--------------------

 

Two sore wrists and no dick later, Shen Qingqiu returns to Mu Qingfang. His mood is startlingly good, despite how annoyed he is.

 

“Ah, Shixiong,” Mu Qingfang says, beckoning him into his office and closing the door. “I was just about to come find you. I was able to find one old text that was more specific. An orgasm is required, but it has to be obtained during dual cultivation.”

 

You couldn’t have said this before both my wrists were out of commission? Some Shidi!

 

“Ah,” Shen Qingqiu says noncommittally. “I see.”

 

“I was just speaking to Zhangmen Shixiong about it,” Mu Qingfang says. “He seemed convinced that you would be easily able to find a willing partner.”

 

Huh?! Yue Qingyuan? What about patient confidentiality?! This guy’s a hack!

 

“My thanks to shidi,” Shen Qingqiu says, purposefully not gritting his teeth.

 

Well, hopefully Yue Qingyuan will be discrete.

 

----------------------------

 

“You need to dual cultivate?” Qi Qingqi says, loudly, right to Shen Qingqiu’s face, in front of his fellow peak lords, god, and everyone.

 

Liu Qingge, standing a few feet from them, jolts, and his face turns an interesting color. Shang QInghua completely fails to muffle a laugh, and Yue Qingyuan tries to pretend that he hasn’t heard anything; but his eyes slide to Shen Qingqiu, curiosity poorly hidden.

 

Why so curious?! Mu Qingfang already told you, and here you are spreading it around even more!

 

“Shimei!” Shen Qingqiu says, snapping open his fan and covering his face to hide the furious blush that’s trying to climb onto it. “Where did you hear that?”

 

“From Mu Qingfang,” she says, not lowering her voice at all. “He was complaining about not getting a sample of the poison.”

 

It wasn’t even Yue Qingyuan, it was Mu Qingfang!!!! Hello, system, can I register for another service provider please, my current physician is a quack!!!

 

“Shimei, please!” he says, waving his hand at her. “Lower your voice!”

 

“Are those breasts?” she asks, eyes tracking down to his chest, and suddenly all eyes in the room are trained on him.

 

“Please,” he says weakly.

 

-------------------

 

“Now, I have never ranked the peak lords in order of who is the most fuckable,” Shang Qinghua says, blatantly lying, “but obviously Yue Qingyuan is the most fuckable.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Shen Qingqiu says, staring.

 

“I mean for you!” Shang Qinghua covers. “The way he looks at you? Like you hung the stars! You could bag him so easily!”

 

“I don’t want to… to bag…” Shen Qingqiu says, protests sounding weak to his own ears.

 

“Well you’ve gotta get laid, right? For your health!” Shang Qinghua says, nodding eagerly. “If not him, then who? Liu Qingge? I did write him with a lot of chemistry with you, until you killed him-”

 

“That’s not chemistry with me!” Shen Qingqiu says, ears heating. “That’s the original! And I didn’t kill him- stop thinking of your shitty book and start thinking of here!”

 

“Well he’s still into you here,” Shang Qinghua says pettily, his words patently untrue. Shen Qingqiu would have noticed if Liu Qingge was ‘into him,’ okay! 

 

“I don’t know what kind of time you’d have with him in bed, though,” Shang Qinghua continues. “He’s all… you know.”

 

Shen Qingqiu and Shang Qinghua share a look. They know.

 

“Hot,” Shen Qingqiu says. “But very…”

 

“Yeah,” Shang Qinghua says. “Very, um. What’s the word. Fighty?”

 

“Virginal,” Shen Qingqiu supplies.

 

They nod sagely.

 

“Well, what other options do you have?” Shang Qinghua says, after a few moments of silence. “You know I love you, bro, but I’m sure not gonna do it.”

 

“Thank god,” Shen Qingqiu says. 

 

“I guess… you could ask…?” Shang Qinghua says, trailing off.

 

“Mu Qingfang,” they say in unison.

 

------------------------

 

“As my doctor,” Shen Qingqiu says, “will you make sure to keep what happens between us private?”

 

“Of course,” Mu Qingfang says, almost spilling an ink pot as he carries an armload of paperwork to his desk, balancing two large gourds filled with liquid in the bend of his elbow. He shoves some glassware out of the way with his other elbow, and a small stack of books slides off the edge of the desk. “All of my medical experiments are confidential. I would change your name in the papers I publish.”

 

The books fall to the floor, thump thump thump.

 

Shen Qingqiu walks out.

 

---------------------

 

“Alright, Shidi,” Shen Qingqiu says to Liu Qingge, who is half-reclined on his bed in Qing Jing peak, bright red. “Are you sure this is okay?”

 

Liu Qingge looks up at him with wild eyes, and his voice barely quavers as he speaks.

 

“It’s… fine…” he says, flush deepening.

 

“Okay,” Shen Qingqiu says, doubtfully. “We need to dual cultivate, so will Shidi allow me to… touch him? To get him ready?”

 

Liu Qingge seems to be holding his breath, but he nods, once, jerkily. Shen Qingqiu leans over him on the bed, and carefully places his hand on Liu Qingge’s clothed chest. Liu Qingge jumps, and his hands tighten in the covers.

 

“It’s okay, Shidi,” Shen Qingqiu says. “I’ll go slow.” He rubs his hand soothingly along Liu Qingge’s chest, and Liu Qingge makes a weird noise.

 

Maybe this is too fast? It’s only been a few minutes since Shen Qingqiu proposed it, and Liu Qingge has been so tightly wound since the very second he mentioned it; he’s jumpy, which is unusual for him. Shen Qingqiu idly trails his hand along Liu Qingge’s (sculpted) stomach as he thinks, and shifts his weight a little more on top of him. Liu Qingge makes a high-pitched noise.

 

Maybe Liu Qingge is-

 

Oh. Well, he seems to be ready to dual cultivate, if what he feels against his thigh is any indication.

 

Shen Qingqiu slides his hand down to rub against it encouragingly, and Liu Qingge makes a strangled noise and comes in his pants.

 

-----------------------

 

“So I had to try Mu Qingfang again,” Shen Qingqiu explains to Shang Qinghua, who’s listening, eyes wide, while cramming snacks in his mouth. “We got my pants off with him, at least, but he was wearing gloves… I couldn’t get into it.”

 

“What did he try?” Shang Qinghua asks, coughing on a sweet. “Gloves? Why gloves?”

 

“I don’t know, for that mad scientist vibe? It was weird!” Shen Qingqiu complains. “He just did some touching on the outside. Extremely lackluster. Vaginas are harder to get going.”

 

“You got off when it was you, though, right?” Shang Qinghua says. 

 

“Not really,” Shen Qingqiu sighs. “Kind of? It was hard to tell.”

 

“You need an expert,” Shang Qinghua opinions.

 

------------------------------

 

“I don’t really like men,” Qi Qinggi says, looking Shen Qingqiu up and down doubtfully. “Your breasts and vagina don’t really do it for me, it’s more… who they’re attached to.”

 

Unspoken: and that’s you. Pretty mediocre.

 

Thanks for the judgment, Shimei!

 

“I know, I know,” Shen Qingqiu says, “but if you treated it like a medical intervention, maybe...?”

 

“Eh,” she says, making a face of reluctant concession. “We can try, I suppose.”

 

--------------------

 

“Ah- ah- ah- ” Shen Qingqiu screams, as he clenches around the strap Qi Qingqi is giving him from behind, squirting all over it.

 

“There you go,” Qi Qingqi says, pulling him back onto it hard by the hips. “You like it? You’re still coming, huh? I can feel it.”

 

Nn ggh,” Shen Qingqiu moans, body shaking but still pushing back into her thrusts. “Ahh-”

 

“Was that good? Did it fix the poison?” Qi Qingqi asks, not stopping the movement of her hips.

 

“Oh- oh, I don’t know, it- I don’t feel any different-” Shen Qingqiu says, despite the way his fingertips and scalp dance with electricity. But that’s probably just the orgasm. “Maybe we should- keep going, just in case?”

 

Qi Qingqi grunts in agreement, and fucks forward even deeper inside him, provoking another scream of pleasure.

 

------------------------------

 

“It needs to be a dick,” Shen Qingqiu says to Shang Qinghua. “We tested it. Thoroughly. A substitute won’t work.”

 

“Hm,” Shang Qinghua says. “That makes sense, for this world.”

 

“Watch yourself,” Shen Qingqiu says, shooting him a look. “Don’t pretend like this has nothing to do with you.” He can’t really keep the attitude up, though, because the endorphins from what Qi Qingqi gave him are still cycling through his body, mellowing him out.

“I’m still saying,” Shang Qinghua says. “Yue Qingyuan.”

 

“Hm,” Shen Qingqiu says doubtfully.

 

---------------------

 

“There you go, Shidi,” Shen Qingqiu says, wrapping his fingers around Liu Qingge’s dick. Liu Qingge watches him, wide-eyed, lips parted below him. His throat works, the red spreading down below the line of his collar, as Shen Qingqiu starts to run his hand slowly up and down the length of his dick. He got him out of his pants this time, at least! Maybe doing it in Liu Qingge’s bed this time is helping?

 

“You’re doing great,” he says encouragingly, and smiles at him. Positive reinforcement!

 

Liu Qingge closes his eyes, gasps, and immediately comes all over his hand.

 

--------------------

 

Yue Qingyuan it is!

 

-------------------------

 

“Zhangmen Shixiong,” Shen Qingqiu says, spreading his legs. “Will you please help?”

 

Yue Qingyuan got undressed faster than anyone he’s ever seen before when Shen Qingqiu came to him and asked for his assistance. Wow, he’s really handsome. He has a really nice figure. His cock is big. Shen Qingqiu wishes he was into him.

 

“Xiao Jiu,” Yue Qingyuan says, leaning in between Shen Qingqiu’s legs.

 

“Qingqiu,” Shen Qingqiu corrects, feeling awkward.

 

“Qingqiu,” Yue Qingyuan says breathlessly, and leans in to kiss him. Oh! That’s nice! Yue Qingyuan is a sweet, considerate kisser.

 

“I, um,” Shen Qingqiu says, when he pulls back. “Zhangmen Shixiong knows that this is only for medical reasons?”

 

Yue Qingyuan pulls back and looks at him with a face that seems to be half resignation and half longing. “Of course,” he says. “I won’t forget.”

 

Over the next few minutes, Shen Qingqiu coaxes him into putting his dick in and has nice, unmemorable sex that doesn’t make him come. Yue Qingyuan cries for a little bit after he finishes, and Shen Qingqiu sighs, and holds him, stroking his hair.

 

Well, this is a bonding experience, at the very least. Not a total wash.

 

-----------------------

 

“Bad in bed?” Shang Qinghua says, aghast. “That’s not how I wrote him with Shen Qingqiu!”

 

“Well maybe he would have had more chemistry with the original,” Shen Qingqiu says, exasperated. “But he kind of sucked.”

 

“Did he at least, you know,” Shang Qinghua says, meaningfully. “Suck?”

 

“Did he go down on me? No,” Shen Qingqiu says. “What kind of sex novel doesn’t have the characters falling over themselves to do oral? Your world sucks.”

 

“Or doesn’t, as the case may be,” Shang Qinghua says thoughtfully. “Are you sure it won’t work with Qi Qingqi? Maybe she just has to be inside you physically, but fingers or something could work?”

 

“Maybe,” Shen Qingqiu says. Oh- is he getting wet?

 

---------------------------

 

“Ah- please, please, don’t stop, ah-” he screams, laid on his back, legs in the air as Qi Qingqi shoves her tongue inside him ruthlessly. “More- more- ah -”

 

“Wow, you love it,” Qi Qingqi says, drawing back to flip her hair over her shoulder and start fingering him at a punishing pace. “You gonna come again?”

 

“Yes- yes- I’m- I’m-” Shen Qingqiu throws his head to the side, and feels himself start to come around her fingers, body convulsing wet and tight and so, so, so good-

 

----------------------

 

“It didn’t work,” Shen Qingqiu says to Shang Qinghua. “But maybe I should try again, just in case?”

 

---------------------------

 

“Yes, please, give it to me-” Shen Qingqiu begs, on his hands and knees as Qi Qingqi fucks into him from behind, the heavy weight of the fake balls of her cock shoving up against his lips with each thrust. “More- more- please- ah-

 

This time when he comes, Qi Qingqi shoves in as deep as possible, so his come can’t leak out; it’s not until she pulls out after the third orgasm that all the slickness drips down his thighs, wet lines tracing down him until she flips him over and eats him out to clean him up.

 

--------------------------

 

Unlike Yue Qingyuan, Liu Qingge can at least get Shen Qingqiu going. Even just lying there on his back, struggling not to come, he’s gorgeous. Now if only that gorgeous man, with that pretty cock, could manage to last more than a few seconds, Shen Qingqiu is pretty sure he could ride himself to orgasm within a few minutes. Especially with the way that Liu Qingge flushes and writhes under him with just a touch of his hand; imagining him losing it like that because he was inside Shen Qingqiu, is… it’s…

 

Well, he might as well try!

 

He lines Liu Qingge up with his entrance, already soaking wet. Liu Qingge’s cock is flushed and leaking.

 

“Can I put you inside me, Shidi?” he says, gently, trying not to push him over the edge.

 

“Shen Qingqiu-!” Liu Qingge gasps, and with one slide of his cock along the outside of Shen Qingqiu’s opening, he comes all over him, slick wetness coating the folds of Shen Qingqiu’s aching body.

 

Can a vagina have blue balls? Because his does!!

 

-----------------------------------

 

Okay, the new plan is- Shen Qingqiu will get Liu Qingge to finger him to an orgasm, then he can have him stick it in for a few seconds. Like that, even Liu Qingge should be able to last, right?! And he’ll be cured! So fingering it is!

 

If only he could concentrate on what Qi Qingqi is doing, so he could learn some technique… But it’s hard to pay attention, when his brain is being melted out of his ears by the successive orgasMS AAAAAAA 

 

“Harder! Yes! YES! ” He yells, and he has no choice but to come all over her fingers yet again, body shaking and panting like he’s run a marathon.

 

---------------------

 

“Okay, shidi,” he says, guiding one of Liu Qingge’s fingers to his entrance. “Just like this-”

 

Liu Qingge has his face turned away, his eyes closed, his face bright red. He makes a small noise when Shen Qingqiu presses his finger the slightest bit inside. It slides in easily; Shen Qingqiu is very wet.

 

But no matter how he guides Liu Qingge’s fingers for the next few minutes, dipping in and out of him, rubbing circles inside him, it’s just…

 

There’s no other way to put it. Liu Qingge is terrible at this!

 

Well, it’s not like Shen Qingqiu is much better… he can’t even get himself off the way Qi Qingqi does. How is she so good at it?!

 

Fuck, how is he supposed to come on Liu Qingge’s dick like this? Maybe he could ride his face…?

 

Uhhh scratch that thought. Pretend he never had it. No one heard that. He’s being respectful of his hot shidi’s sexy, beautiful face. He definitely isn’t imagining sitting on it, watching him flush that appealing, bright red between Shen Qingqiu’s thighs as he…

 

Shit, maybe he’ll just try to ride his dick again. 

 

This time, he doesn’t even get the tip in before Liu Qingge comes.

 

What the fuck!

 

------------------------------

 

Luo Binghe comes back- a whole two years earlier than expected - and Shen Qingqiu has to put his dual cultivation exploits on hold trying to avoid getting murdered by him. Somehow, though, even though he’s really not trying, word has gotten around.

 

 

He shouldn’t be getting offers !!

 

Gongyi Xiao, you’re like… Luo Binghe’s age! This master is grateful that you want to help, but he’s not trying to unlock a cougar achievement through the system! 

 

Thank god that Luo Binghe hasn’t found out; Shen Qingqiu doesn’t think even his thick face would survive the man who’s planning on killing him finding out that he needs to come on somebody’s dick.

 

But it all works out, he self-destructs and fakes his own death, and when he wakes up…

 

BAM!!!!!! Plant body has a fucking DICK on it!!!!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you Shang Qinghua! He takes back everything mean he’s ever said!!!!

 

Until he finds out that five years have passed, and all of his sins are coming home to roost. What the fuck Airplane!! What happened to the plant body being ready for him?!

 

And apparently, in the years he’s been gone, there’s been… developments.

 

Luo Binghe is gay now?! Why’s he going around kissing people in dreamscapes?! Why is he kissing Shen Qingqiu , specifically?! Even getting captured by him and fed his blood only a few hours into his new body doesn’t compare with this!

 

“Return his body!” Liu Qingge shouts, in the real world. Shen Qingqiu was jolted out of his unexpected kissing dream just in time to intercept this fight, where Liu Qingge is facing Luo Binghe, who is holding…

 

Uh…….

 

Okay yes that’s the body that he was using, but why is it so naked -

 

Luo Binghe you’re the protagonist of a stallion novel, yes, we get it, but you really don’t have to be carrying around half-naked women’s bodies…! Ah!

 

With some interference from Shen Qingqiu, Liu Qingge manages to make off with the body- looking extremely discomfited with its nakedness, which makes sense, since he never even got Shen Qingqiu out of his clothes, the quickshot- and leaves Luo Binghe behind to rage. Shen Qingqiu makes his escape, disappearing in the commotion.

 

Only to reencounter all of the same players, a few days later, when he sneaks back into Cang Qiong sect.

 

“I’ve got you, Shizun,” Luo Binghe says, grabbing his arm, a strange light in his eyes; and Shen Qingqiu talks down Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge both, even as Qi Qingqi orders Liu Mingyan to stand down.

 

“Shen Qingqiu-!” Liu Qingge cries, a strange emotion in his voice, and Shen Qingqiu doesn’t look over his shoulder at any of the others as he walks off with Luo Binghe through the rift that Xin Mo opens.

 

“I don’t want to see you at all, if possible,” he says in Luo Binghe’s demonic palace, and Luo Binghe... leaves him alone.

 

Why does that make him a little sad?

 

-------------------

 

Days later, he gets to slap Shang Qinghua around the way he’s been longing to this whole time.

 

“And another thing!” he says. “Why is Luo Binghe gay now?!”

 

“What do you mean, now?” Shang Qingqiu says aggrievedly, cradling his swollen cheek. “He’s been in love with you since he was 15, this has nothing to do with me!”

 

“What?” Shen Qingqiu says. “That’s not true!”

 

“Maybe if you didn’t want people falling in love with you, you should try not leading the entire mountain on!” Shang Qinghua says, pointing at him accusingly. “Luo Binghe? Yue Qingyuan? Liu Qingge? Qi Qingqi ?! She’s supposed to be a lesbian! The only person who isn’t into you is Mu Qingfang, and that guy’s a total weirdo!”

 

“They’re not into me!” Shen Qingqiu says. “How dare you! And those were medical interventions!” He points at Shang Qinghua, rudely. “Plus, I never led Luo Binghe on. He was my student!”

 

“Right, you never did anything except save his life and give him unconditional love after he’d been starved for years!” Shang Qinghua says. “No wonder he fell in love with you, you oblivious dumbass! Ooh you make me so mad!”

 

“What do you have to be mad about?!” Shen Qingqiu says. “You’re not the one who got kidnapped by a demon!”

 

“Uhh hello , I’m your friend , you dickface, and you never even noticed my feelings!’

 

“Uh,” Shen Qingqiu says. “You said you didn’t want to bang me. You said ‘you know I love you, bro, but.’ I remember it clearly.”

 

“I don’t want to!” Shang Qingqiu snaps. “But I want you to wake up! The whole sect is in disarray!”

 

“I wasn’t even here!” Shen Qingqiu says. “That’s not my fault!”

 

“I know! That’s the whole point!” Shang Qinghua yells. “You weren’t here, and we all fucking missed you! I was the only one who knew you were alive and I was still fucking sad as fuck!”

 

“Stop yelling!” Shen Qingqiu shouts, louder than Shang Qinghua. “That wasn’t even my fault!! You grew the stupid plant body wrong!”

 

“I’m glad you’re fucking back, okay!!” Shang Qinghua yells, and Shen Qingqiu makes a noise of anger and throws a book at him.

 

“I’m glad to be back!” he shouts, and Luo Binghe walks in.

 

“Is there a problem?” he asks, and Shen Qingqiu reigns in his anger, regaining his cool peak lord persona.

 

That apparently made all these stupid friends of his fall in love with him. Or at least like him a lot. Fuck!!

 

“No problem,” he says coldly, and Shang Qinghua hightails it out of there, barely pausing to shoot a sympathetic look over his shoulder. Some friend!

 

“Shizun,” Luo Binghe says, and half an hour later Shen Qingqiu is trying to pry this useless horny gay disciple off him using Xiu Ya as a crowbar. 

 

When the tearing pain starts he gasps in shock, and only has time to hear Luo Binghe’s worried voice calling after him before he’s yeeted out of his plant body and into…

 

A coffin?

 

A coffin.

 

Hello heavenly mausoleum... hello vagina body. Hello propositioning from Zhuzhi-lang after he fights his way out with Luo Binghe and gets swallowed whole for his troubles. How far has the rumor of the cure for his condition spread?! Thank the heavens Tianlang-Jun seems unaware of it.

 

Scratch that… he knows ballads about it. Ballads!!

 

Shen Qingqiu is almost relieved when, after all is said and done, he and Luo Binghe are alone together at last, having already talked through their feelings. Now they’re having the… other talk. The sex talk.

 

“I know that Shizun needs to dual cultivate,” Luo Binghe is saying. Finally, a proposition that isn’t weird. Or, it’s totally weird, but it’s in line with the pattern of weirdness he’s gotten used to from Luo Binghe.

 

“That’s the only way to get my body back,” Shen Qingqiu agrees, cautiously.

 

“This disciple knows that our first time was… regretful,” Luo Binghe says, looking genuinely sorry.

 

Regretful yeah- it was terrible! 0/10, worse than Yue Qingyuan! 

 

But Luo Binghe wasn’t in his right mind, so Shen Qingqiu isn’t gonna hold it against him.

 

As opposed to Luo Binghe’s body, which he is perfectly willing to hold against him. He hasn’t had any sort of sex since he came back to life, and Luo Binghe’s face and smell and the way that he’s slightly taller than him, just like Liu Qingge, are really doing it for him. Maybe Luo Binghe, as the protagonist of a stallion novel, won’t even lie there and make him do all the work and come 40 seconds in anyway.

 

Three hours later, screaming his way through an orgasm the likes of which he’s only ever experienced with Qi Qingqi, Shen Qingqiu can’t even bring himself to regret the flag he planted. At least he’s going to have his body back!

 

----------------------

 

Yue Qingyuan can’t meet his eyes the first time he sees him with his regular body again. There’s really no way to say ‘thanks for trying to get me off, I don’t blame you for sucking at it, I found someone actually good in bed to help and I’m cured now’ so Shen Qingqiu doesn’t even try.

 

--------------------------

 

“And he made you come how many times?” Mu Qingfang is saying, annotating his case file. “Also, did you notice any residual vaginal fluids the next day when you woke up with your body restored, or had they disappeared?”

 

“Please change my name in the report,” Shen Qingqiu says, gesturing at the messy characters scrawled on the paper.

 

------------------------

 

“So which felt better?” Qi Qingqi says, brusque and curious.

 

“Uh,” Shen Qingqiu says. Between her and Luo Binghe? Both? Is it rude to say both? Wait, it’s definitely rude to ask that question!

 

“Shimei,” he says, aiming for ‘scolding’ but sounding closer to ‘shocked.’ “That’s…”

 

“I bet it felt better having your pussy fucked,” she opinions. “Than when Luo Binghe did it up your ass after.”

 

“That’s-!” he says, now openly shocked. First of all- not true! Both are really good! Second, why is she asking him this?!

 

“Bet you I could give it better than he could, though,” she says with an overwhelming air of confidence. “I’ve made women come untouched before.”

 

Shen Qingqiu’s dick gets hard.

 

--------------------

 

“Ah- ah- harder, please, harder, ah -” Shen Qingqiu’s voice echoes through the field that Qi Qingqi is fucking him in.

 

“That’s it, you love it,” Qi Qingqi says, slapping his ass. “Give it up for me, slut.”

 

Shen Qingqiu comes untouched, just like Qi Qingqi said he would.

 

----------------------


“Shidi,” Shen Qingqiu says, pressing Liu Qingge down into his bed. “You really did your best to help me while I was afflicted… thank you.”

 

Liu Qingge nods stiffly, face a fetching shade of pink. “I…” he says, and swallows hard as Shen Qingqiu’s hand presses gently against his abs.

 

“Let me say thank you?” Shen Qingqiu says, and slips his hand into Liu Qingge’s pants.

 

Liu Qingge writhes and pants under him, and completely enthusiastically grabs his dick- unlike when he NEEDED him to be enthusiastically going for his junk earlier, what the hell!- stripping his cock with an expert’s technique.

 

“Shen Qingqiu!” he pants, voice breathy and erotic, and comes in the same amount of time that he did before. This time, though, he’s wordier- he says “Shen Qingqiu,” “ah,” and “inside.”

 

Inside? What inside? Shixiong doesn’t have a vagina anymore, Liu Qingge!

 

“Please,” Liu Qingge says, a line of sweat running down his forehead and his throat working. Shen Qingqiu feels his dick twitch.

 

Inside? What, like in his ass? He’d consider it, but-

 

“I don’t think Shidi would last much longer like this than he did before,” he says, trying to let him down kindly. He likes the idea! He likes it a lot! But he’s not sure about the practicality of it. 

 

“Not-” Liu Qingge says, and trails off, face reddening further.

 

“Not?” Shen Qingqiu says encouragingly.

 

“Not... inside you,” Liu Qingge manages to get out.

 

Huh? Then inside what?

 

Liu Qingge, face aflame, spreads his legs slightly, until his knees are on either side of Shen Qingqiu.

 

Oh.

 

OH?!

 

---------------------

 

“Ah- keep going, keep going-” Liu Qingge says, face up on the bed, abs covered in his own come. Just like before, he barely made it a minute in before coming the second time- but this time, it’s okay to keep going? Where was that energy when Shixiong needed your dick to get off, Shidi?! He tried for a whole calendar year to come on that cock, could he have just ridden you without stopping that whole time?!

 

“Shixiong!” Liu Qingge chokes out, wrapping his beautiful, defined arms around Shen Qingqiu’s shoulders, sexy voice rising in small cries as Shen Qingqiu keeps fucking him. Shen Qingqiu presses his mouth against his to muffle his cries before someone overhears them, and Liu Qingge makes a high-pitched noise and rolls his perfect waist up to fuck himself on Shen Qingqiu’s cock.

 

Well… he guesses he can work with this.

 

When Liu Qingge begs him, three orgasms later, he gives in and comes inside him, just the way he asked for.

 

-------------------------------

 

“Shizun,” Luo Binghe breathes out, as he slowly, gently makes love to Shen Qingqiu. “Shizun, I’m-”

 

“Don’t call me that,” Shen Qingqiu says, face hot, even as his cock continues to leak. He can handle Shixiong, okay, but being reminded that he was Luo Binghe’s teacher while they’re in bed together is a step too much!

 

“This disciple will service you every night,” Luo Binghe says, voice hot. “Shizun’s other lovers can have him during the day, but come home to your husband at night.”

 

“Binghe,” Shen Qingqiu says, heart warming. “Binghe- yes, of course, I would like that very much.”

 

Luo Binghe tilts his head down to gently kiss him, and Shen Qingqiu kisses him back.

 

It makes sense that Luo Binghe was the one who was able to help him, in the end; it was his body affected, but the body and the heart have always moved together.

 

“Husband,” Shen Qingqiu says, and kisses him again.