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The Official Mr Fell Quarantine Thread

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The Codex, a forum for rare book hunters
Archives
September 2023

Subject: The Official Mr Fell Quarantine Thread

the_almighty_298:

It is with an exasperated sigh that I introduce you to an official thread for this guy. We've discussed it and we've decided that this is the only way we can stop you guys from derailing threads to complain about this guy. By mod decree, all Mr Fell complaining, griping, bitching, grousing, and miscellaneous butthurt now belongs in THIS THREAD AND THIS THREAD ONLY.

And for God's sake, if you're going to speculate about him and Sunglasses, keep it PG.

WordsAreMyWaifu:

Thank you, Mighty! We'll be good, we promise!

For anyone blessedly unfamiliar with this man, let me introduce you to Ezra Fell: bookseller, cryptid, bastard.

Mr Fell is the owner of A.Z. Fell & Co., in Soho. His shop has a truly astounding collection of books that can't be found anywhere else. He also hates customers, and will stop at nothing to come between an innocent customer and his precious books. (Why the fuck is he running a bookstore, you ask? Read on, my friend.) If you actually want to buy his books, we have some tips and tricks collected over here. But I'm hoping (for your sake) that you're just here to bitch and gossip!

Cause in addition to being a complete asshole, this dude also has weird stuff happening around him constantly. Some examples:

  • Let's just get this out of the way first: this 'bookshop' has to be some sort of a money laundering operation or other front for illegal activity. There's no way in hell he's turning a profit, not with all his antics, and some people have seen him meeting with suspicious-looking people in the back room. So, is this fusty, round-faced dude part of the Mafia? Who knows!
  • The fucking snake. There is, I shit you not, a large snake that hangs out in the shop, outside of any kind of enclosure. Yes, this is atrocious reptile care. No, we don't know what breed it is or if it's dangerous, though @derpforherps has some theories.
  • A bunch of people -- separately -- remember the shop burning down some years ago. @lovelieslost says she was passing by and actually saw it on fire. No one can find any news about this, and the shop has never shown any signs of a fire since then.
  • "Sunglasses" is a skinny guy with red hair who hangs around the shop sometimes. Just as eerie as Mr Fell.
    • No one's ever seen his eyes cause he's always wearing sunglasses, even indoors, on cloudy days, at night, you name it. (That's where the nickname comes from, obviously, but Mr Fell calls him "Crowley" -- i.e. "the wickedest man in the world". Best not to think about any of the implications of that.)
    • He drives a very old car at speeds that are definitely very illegal and seem like they shouldn't even be physically possible. Naturally, no one has ever seen a scratch on his car.
  • They're probably an item, and either way they're definitely smitten with each other. They may be eerie as shit, but they also call each other pet names and smile at each other like they hung the moon and stars. If you want to get on Mr Fell's good side (and you do, trust me), get him talking about Sunglasses and watch his whole face light up. I'd call it adorable if I wasn't instinctively frightened of applying a word like that to a guy like that.

1007Tacos:

thx for the summary, waifu.

yeah so, when we say "he'll stop at nothing" here's just some of what we mean:

  • the hours listed on the door make no sense. and it's a waste of time trying to figure out what he means because even when he does say plainly "I open most days at 9:30-10" ... he doesn't.
  • the shop smells weird and unpleasant and no one can quite figure out what the smell is
  • the aforementioned free-roaming snake
  • the prices are ... okay they're actually only mildly unreasonable given the kinds of books we're talking but they're still unreasonable
  • if the store has any kind of organization to it we've yet to figure it out
  • he jacks up the price of anything that anyone seems a little too interested in (seemingly by sleight of hand, like, you'll be holding the book the whole time and go to check the price and it's gone up)

basically we can't even figure out why he decided to run a bookstore to begin with

keeper_of_unusual_things:

I'm so sorry to start out the thread this way, you guys, but I have some heartbreaking news. Mr Fell is married. To a woman. He mentioned that one of his misprint Bibles (The Fool's Bible, which I didn't know any copies still existed of, but honestly what did I expect from Mr Fell) was a gift from his wife. I was surprised he was married but he said they've been married for a few years now and she gave it to him on a trip to Paris well before they were married, so I guess they've known each other for a long time.

OmniArms:

Sooooooo were we all very very wrong about Sunglasses or is Mr Fell cheating on his wife

kathyqrogers:

uhhhh I hate to be the one to bring this up but I feel like the situation is kind of painfully clear? he's a gay man who's using her as a beard, the only real question is whether or not she's okay with that. 

spiralgalaxy:

I wonder if Sunglasses knows he's married 😭

1007Tacos:

i know we don't really know them at all but that's still goddamn heartbreaking. sunglasses loves him too, it's obvious in the way they interact. i feel so bad for both of them.

vienna:

RIP this thread, no one wants to say nasty things about Mr Fell anymore

 

Archives
June 2024

Subject: The Official Mr Fell Quarantine Thread

keeper_of_unusual_things:

i know this thread has been dead for months but i have a very important update!! i was in the store today and Sunglasses was passive aggressively trying to get me to leave, and Fell stepped in to get him to stop and he said to me, "don't mind my husband, he means well"

YOU GUYS

"MY HUSBAND"

HE GOT MARRIED TO SUNGLASSES

AAAAAAAAAA

kathyqrogers:

omg!!! congrats mr fell

spiralgalaxy:

i wish we could get him a cake or something, if that didn't involve telling him that we have an online forum where we speculate about his personal life

WordsAreMyWaifu:

Yay!!!!! We can go back to complaining about what a bastard he is now, right?

 

Archives
August 2024

Subject: The Official Mr Fell Quarantine Thread

1007Tacos:

uhhh guys not that i don't trust you or anything but i definitely heard him mention his wife today, i was browsing in the afternoon and he said he had to close up to go have dinner with his wife ("so very sorry", just like he always pretends to be)

so maybe the congratulations are premature?

vienna:

maybe the relationship with Sunglasses didn't last?

kathyqrogers:

oh, god, is that even really possible? they're so in love ... i feel like that the only way that could be a thing is if he was forced back into the closet somehow 

spiralgalaxy:

😭😭😭

 

Archives
September 2024

Subject: The Official Mr Fell Quarantine Thread

vienna:

i was in the shop today and i decided to ask him straight to his face if he was married and he said yes and i said "oh, to who?" and he got real suspicious for a second before he pretended not to be, and then he described sunglasses to me so i just don't know anymore

WordsAreMyWaifu:

LOVE TRIANGLE LOVE TRIANGLE

1007Tacos:

bookseller, cryptid, bastard, soap opera character

OmniArms:

what if hes poly? like maybe hes legally married to sunglasses and then privately married to this other woman

keeper_of_unusual_things:

you know, now that i think about it, i should have pegged him for bi. I'm gonna blame biphobic stereotypes about age

the_almighty_298:

my headcanon is that his poor grasp on human culture means he doesn't realize that you don't call just anyone you're close with "husband" or "wife"

vienna:

You can't have a headcanon about a real person

 

Archives
November 2024

Subject: The Official Mr Fell Quarantine Thread

WordsAreMyWaifu:

i figured it out

all of you are going to kick yourselves

1007Tacos:

sure you did.

WordsAreMyWaifu:

no i actually did tho

i was in the store and this tall woman walks over to the counter and starts aggressively flirting with Mr Fell (she legit asked him to close the shop and go back to her place) and ofc i'm pretending not to watch but i'm 👀👀👀

Fell pretends to tsk at her so i'm wondering if this is finally the wife we've heard about

and she turns around and everything clicks into place cause

she's wearing sunglasses indoors

red hair, tight pants, face tattoo, everything

they're the same goddamn person, we've been fools this whole time

vienna:

omg

Sunglasses is genderfluid

omg

OmniArms:

"Sunglasses is genderfluid" is not the way i expected this story to end but great work everyone

WearsSunglasses:

alright, yes, didn't really think it was much of a mystery, but you sure solved it

1007Tacos:

oh no

WordsAreMyWaifu:

oh no

... Are you going to get mad at us for calling Mr Fell a bastard?

WearsSunglasses:

what? when have i ever said he's not a bastard? do you think i somehow don't know that he closes the shop in the middle of the day just so we can fuck? you lot have only experienced a sliver of his bastardry, you poor souls

kathyqrogers:

holy shit

the_almighty_298:

Well, this is a bit awkward. But it's right there in the rules of the thread to keep discussion of Mr Fell's personal life PG, so, regardless of who you are, I'm going to have to ask you to edit your comment.

WearsSunglasses:

you said speculation. this isn't speculation.

WearsSunglasses:

oh, and for the record, the snake is very dangerous.