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Alphabet of Monsters

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Faith was worried that somewhere in Louisiana, she’d have to fight an alligator. Some psycho vamp boss would have a pit full of hungry ones, or there’d be a demon one or something.

Worried wasn’t quite it, maybe expectant in an unpleasantly dull way.

Now she was surrounded by hungry wild gators and up to her waist in swamp water. She was not looking forward to this fight—when an angry hiss from the shoreline caused all the gators to flee.

Standing on the roots of a cypress was something in between alligator and man. She spotted it just before it disappeared in the murk.

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Buffy’s mind raced to figure out how to fight this…glop.

Most weapons did nothing, or it simply dissolved them. She knew better than to touch the acidic monster—after seeing it dissolve a vampire. The thing was now twelve feet across and continued to grow as it rolled over victims to envelop and consume—and Buffy was cornered.

The only thing nearby that she could use as a means to slow it down was an old fire extinguisher. She decided to spray the beast, as throwing it would have no effect.

The Blob halted and recoiled from the white cone. Buffy glanced at the label: “CO2”. She smiled.


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Giles watched helplessly as the cultist brought the knife down into the young man’s chest. Giles flinched only slightly as the cultists removed still beating heart from the boy as he lay on the altar, his pain and fear now frozen on his face.

The lead cultist turned to Giles, with the glamour gone, his gills now swelled in the damp air. “Mr. Giles, I do believe you’ve found the answer to your questions.”

“Of course, sea side location, I should have expected this.” Giles spat. “Killing outsiders and those you trap in service of Cthulhu. Hardly original.”

“It’s a living. You should see the dental plan.”

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Dawn’s trip to England could definitely go better: first the Ghost outbreak, then the revelation that they were metal monsters from another dimension…now these armored things soared through the air blasting everything in sight with their strange rays. She hid as best she could, but could hear the whirling of the golden horrors getting closer. She decided to bolt but ran right into one of them.

She froze.

“YOU ARE AN AB-NOR-MAL-I-TY.” It squawked.



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Xander turned to his recent comrade in arms against the approaching horde of undead.

“You’ve done this before haven’t you?” Xander asked.

“Once or twice, yeah,” his comrade answered. “The way you handle that ax says the same. You got a Necronomicon trip in your past too?”

“Nah, I had a Hellmouth.”

“A Hellmouth?”


“Did it ever create hordes of undead before?”


“Well, friend, I think we just might make it.”

“Of course, by saying that, you’ve just doomed us all.”

Ash Williams paused as the realization hit him.

“Son of a bitch.”

The Deadites then began their attack on the fortified mall, screaming for the souls of the living.

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The sound of metal scraping echoed through the red-tinted boiler room of Freddy Kreuger’s domain. He enjoyed the fear he got from the girls he slew especially…the fear, and the pleasure.

He could alter the Dream World to suit his desires…but the strange, blue, waif of a girl in leather was not part of it.

She barely acknowledged his existence as he approached.

“What are you doing in my domain, precious?” He asked.

“I go where I please in the dreamlands. Your haunt is no different.” She answered.

“Who are you?” Freddy asked as he disappeared into his world, “And why are you here?”

“I am Illyria. That is all you need know, specter.”

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“Think we should do something about him?” Buffy asked as she and her friends watched the news unfold.

After a long silence, she added, “Seriously? Is there something we can do?”

“B, There’s no way—not even with a million Slayers, could we take that guy on.” Faith said, “Besides, he’s saved the world, what, three times over? I say we cut the big guy some slack. He’s just an animal, ‘s all.”

“But he’s still a menace.” Buffy insisted. “Willow? Think magic would work on him? Like, a shrinking spell?’

“With that much background radiation?” Willow sighed, “Godzilla’s way out of our league.”

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Angel found human evil the most repugnant of the evils he encountered. Deep in the swamp, he found a man whose evil made his suppressed demon giggle. He would grab women off the road and take them deep into the swamp, torture them for days and let the swamp have them.

 Now he held his latest victim at knifepoint in a vain effort to keep Angel from breaking him in two.

Before he could make his move, a hand of plant-matter burst through the shack’s wall and grabbed the murderer by the head. The girl fled as Angel watched as the creature made of the swamp itself crushes the killer like an overripe orange. The swamp, it seemed, had enough of this murderer and was enacting its own cruel justice.

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“All we want to do is repair our ship and leave this planet in peace.” The alien voice echoed through the mine.

Buffy, standing at its entrance countered, “Yeah, but do you really have to go all Invasion of the Body Snatchers with it?”

“It is best for all that our true form remain hidden.”

“Try me. Ya can’t be that bad.”

It plodded into the light, a single eye in the center of its bulbous head. It had no shoulders, no visible arms or legs. Instead it had thick tentacles. Strange hairs draped from its balding head as fog pooled on the ground.

“Yeah, that’s bad.”

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The goliath killer stumbled slightly as Dana wrapped her hands around his throat in a mimic of his own attack. She squeezed with all her might, causing the giant to stagger slightly, reflexively.

Then his neck broke, his arms fell limp to his side—but Dana continued to squeeze, the bones of his severed neck crackled and popped before she lifted his limp form over her head and slamming it into the ground.

She slammed her fist into his mask, crushing his skull completely between the mask and the earth.

She straddled the terror of Crystal Lake and tore open his shirt before digging her fingers into his rotted flesh—ripping off hunks of flesh and bone. Soon, both she and the surroundings were drenched in his black blood. But inside, she saw Jason Voorhees heart—his heart was still beating!

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At the top of the Empire State building, Buffy found herself clinging for her life to its side as the vampires looked down on her with mocking smiles.

“We’re going to lick your blood off the sidewalk, Slayer.” The leader smirked.

Buffy could feel her grip slip on the damp metal when she felt herself lifted by an unseen force.

The vampires watched in amazement as a spectral hand lifted her into the air.

The ghost’s crooked jaw and scarred face twisted in primitive fury before placing her down, to free its hand to swat the vampires off the balcony.

The threat defeated, the tremendous ghost of Kong roared and beat its chest.


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Gunn finished sealing the last door in the mall. He and his fellow survivors barricaded themselves inside very well, but he knew it wouldn’t be long, but with so many people unused to high tensions situations, it could be trouble.

The ghouls would wander about and gather if they thought there was food. But would leave after 6 hours to try and find more human flesh.

Six hours of silence, hiding with scared strangers. Gunn knew that even though the dead were walking and eating the flesh of the living, humans were still the greater threat to each others' survival.

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Jasmine entered her sanctuary within the hotel, only to be met with a surprise. From appearances, it seemed at least one other power cared about humanity still.

“This is an unexpected surprise.” Jasmine smiled, but the twin Malaysian women were not smiling.

“I’m giving you one last chance,” they said in unison “to end this travesty.”

“You speak so mightily after what you did in New York.” Jasmine sat down, “I’m just taking the next step.”

“When no threat is imminent?” They countered. “If your trend continues, not only will I summon my champion to Los Angeles again,” their demeanor grew dark, “I will fully manifest. We will razz this city and all your followers to dust.”

“Without worrying about the millions of deaths that will cause?” Jasmine continues to smile, a hint of cruelty seeped through her facade.

“Those in your thrall have lost their free will. They are already dead.”

In a flash, Mothra’s avatars vanished, as did Jasmine’s smile.

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Faith screamed as the blade dug deeply into her shoulder. She instinctively struck her attacker and watched the body driven through the bathroom door and lay still. She cupped her shoulder as she fell against the shower wall. Her brain needed a moment to deal with the shock of it all.

She thought she was safe in the shower. At least she was safe in the shower. Then…then this human attacks her…

She sat there in shock, watching the water and blood trickle down her body and slowly circle down the shower’s drain, she heard her attacker mumbling:

"Mother!…Oh, God…blood…”

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Summoning was always tricky, but they needed the back up. This army of demons burn their way from Scotland all the way to London. Xander had hit upon the idea of getting a lot of water to drown them out—which reminded Willow of an old Scottish tale about a great Sea Spirit who drove off a Viking Armada at the behest of a sorcerer.

The summons was taking longer than expected and the demons were closing in. Willow was growing worried. She pleaded with the sleeping spirit as the fire demons grew closer—cornered on a cliff over the sea…

Then, Oogra rose from the ocean with an echoed roar. The demons recoiled in fear from the two hundred foot sea monster as her red eyes glared at them in the night sky.

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The creature landed in front of Faith. She was winded and bleeding, but she was still ready for a fight, holding her knife tightly. It, too, was injured, but the scaly creature seemed a less injured than Faith.

It reached up towards its face—no, it’s mask, and unhooked to tubes from its side. It discarded the face plate, which plopped on the ground. Faith took a look at the segmented, toothy maw. The beady eyes, facial ridges and strange tentacles did nothing to improve its true appearance.

“You are one ugly mother—“

The creature spread its arms and roared a challenge to the Slayer.

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The Winged Serpent flew high over the skyscrapers of New York. Scanning the rooftops for the unwary and ill prepared: sunbathers, construction workers and janitorial staff. All fell victim to his claws.

Today would be no different. It spotted the sunbather – a small blond, dove down from the sun and snatcher her in its claws. But it did not hear the snapping of bones. Something was off.

A sharp pain struck its leg—it tried to drop its prize, but it held on.

“Oh no,” Buffy grimaced, as she held onto the knife now lodged in the demon-god’s leg, “You’re not getting away that easily!”

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“It looks like something survived the Watcher’s Council’s destruction.” Giles said as he guided the Slayers carrying the large crate – they actually had to use wheel carts to cover the weight of this seven foot tall crate.

Giles did not know what was in the box, but the clunky machine that walked out of it was certainly not what he expected.

“It’s a robot?” One of the slayers said, aghast.

“Eh, not our first.” Buffy sighed “This one’s got an odd look.”

“Greetings,” It clicked, “For formality purposes, I have been monitored to respond to the name of ‘Robby’. If you do not speak English, I am at your disposal with 187 other languages along with their various dialects and sub-tongues.”

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“When I heard someone approaching my gates, I thought it another foolhardy challenge,” The beast snarled, “This far exceeds my expectations.”

“Well, aren’t you pompous.” Buffy shot back, clutching the scythe.

“Fool girl, if it were not for the strange weapon you carry,” Buffy clutched the Scythe tightly as he growled, “I would have burned you to cinders in an instant. But I’d rather add it to my collection.”

Buffy paused for a moment before she answered, “Are you scared? Hiding for all this time, it’s like you’re afraid of something.”

“Afraid? Me? HA!” The dragon reared back and proudly displayed his full might, “I AM SMAUG!”

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“Evil flowers?” Dawn asked, as she stared the man-sized flower.

“Evil, flesh eating flowers that move.” Buffy amended.

“And I thought I’d seen everything.” Xander said, “Especially after that living ball of goo.”

The plant shuffled towards them, assaulting their eardrums with hollow clicks. A stinger deep inside its flower lashed out at them, missing Dawn by inches.

“Christ!” She yelped, before tripping on a cobblestone, as she fell, so did the Triffid’s stalk—a victim of Buffy’s ax.

“That wasn’t so bad.” She said.

Xander’s eyes went wide as an army of the plants drummed and shuffled over the horizon.

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Willow was taking a tremendous risk and she knew it. No sorcerer had ever returned from their quest to obtain The Seven Star-Wrought Tablet holding the secrets of the Old Ones. Hidden deep within a hidden grotto within the Antarctic, the weather alone kept back all but the most foolhardy and desperate.

Willow considered herself a little of both.

But the reason none had returned stood before her now, gnawing at the recesses of her mind. The amorphous blob of psuedopods constantly ejected small creature from its mass, only to reabsorb the majority of them back into its vastness.

This was the source of mortal animals.

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The raptor lunged at its unsuspecting prey from the dense foliage. Sprinting at top speed, it prepared to leap into the air when it was knocked in the head by a ferocious punch. Its world spun out of control for a moment before it yelped and collapsed.

The other raptors broke their cover to protect their fallen comrade and drive off this strange human who so easily defeated a hunter. They hissed and snorted in threatening gestures to drive the threat from their territory.

Buffy backed up only slightly, “Packs. They had to travel in packs”


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Oz entered the temple and was rather surprised. Seated in front of the Guru was a older man, late 50s possibly older, who was like him—a foreigner. He guessed European, but he could easily be an America as well.

“Daniel Ozbourne.” The Guru spoke, “Welcome, and know that you are not alone in your quest for inner peace”. Oz was not surprised at the Guru’s mastery of English. He was ‘the Guru’ after all.

The older man rose to greet him, “Hello, my name is Larry Talbot” and extended his hand.

Oz grasped it and the wolves inside them both knew.

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Faith clung to the ceiling with all her strength. The strange, glowing mud below her bubbled and lapped at the edges of the walls around her, there was no escape, only a delay of her own death. One touch of the prehistoric muck would give her a lethal dose of radiation.

She wondered if simply being so close to the creature would render her sterile or worse.

Giles voice shouted from the cell phone left on the table. “Professor Quatermass’ notes indicated that the creature feeds on radiation. With a large enough source nearby, we should be able to draw it out. Just hold on, Faith.”

“I can’t do much else, Giles!” She hissed.

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Kennedy didn’t understand it. When she first saw this creature, it was barely as tall as a 12 year old. A vicious, clawed child that could be hit with a pitchfork to the back and not even slow down, but it was still small then. Now, now it more than doubled its size—it was as big as an elephant.

Willow said that its behavior generally deemed it violent unless provoked. Kennedy cursed as she realized how much she pissed it off when hunting it.

The Venusian beast howled in anger as the slayer hid in dense foliage near the sulfur spring. 

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Buffy was in shock. This single blue, yellow and white creature—a beetle-man with a strange glowing ridge in the center of its face, was tearing through her squad of Slayers.

When Jess threw a dagger at it, it raised its arms and created a shield.

When Mary blasted it with a tazer rifle, it absorbed the blast and reflected it back at her.

Buffy managed to get past the fireballs it spat, only to be grabbed by the throat and have her collar bone snapped. Her breathing labored, Buffy wondered if this would be her last and final monster.