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Altschmerz (NCT)

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Renjun woke several times in the night cold, lonely, and covered in sweat. 

Something he should have been able to accept and digest long ago. It's the stubbornness of it, he would think, and the way it sneaks up and grabs you. It will remain endlessly horrific no matter how many times the scenario presents itself. And it has presented itself regularly. Every night as a matter of fact. Only this night, he dreamt he was in his house again, resting peacefully on a soft mattress and blanket he's had since his innocent years; when youth was all he knew and nightmares were soothed by wise hands.

Time changed that.
It had changed everything.

There were no longer wise hands. No one to turn to for help or comfort. So Renjun slept as he lived. Isolated. Alone.

It was during these hours when he couldn’t stay awake, when his tired eyes couldn’t hold off the exhaustion of his body, that unconsciousness infringed. Like a stranger violating a body, restraining it with their own, this somatic presence filled his nose, his mouth, overflowing into his ears and eyes, suppressing Renjun’s vulnerable little body. Unable to lift his head. Unable to lift his arms. His legs equally held down. A shadow pervading every part of Huang Renjun, seeping through his pores, into his veins, through every strand of hair both above and below. But it’s only darkness and it will pass. It does every night.

“Sleep paralysis.” the doctors call it. An uninvited playmate in the night. The kind of playmate that involves fragments of barely conscious rapid eye movement blended with panic, disquieting images, and a heart beating too hard, beating too fast, thumping and racing. Not being able to move or speak is frightening. 

“It’ll pass in a few moments Renjun. Just try and stay calm. You’ll be okay.” 

“It’s violating.”

“It’s not real.”

“It’s against my will.”

“It happens.”

His subconscious wants to call out, needs someone to save him from this distress, but the miasma only sinks deeper into Renjun’s chest, spreading throughout his anatomy, cradling him in darkness.

And then everything's gone. 

What remains is but a residue of pressure and shadows. The nervousness and stress drifting into hibernation as Renjun’s tired body slips deeper into unconsciousness.

Jaehyun out of bed after hours hears Renjun’s frightful panicking. Smiling at the vulnerability of his only "friend" in this god forsaken place, Jaehyun is glad tonight's entertainment is someone he's more familiar with. Something about the intimacy in the younger’s panicked cries has Jaehyun shuffling his feet at a slightly quicker pace to reach his destination and to his luck, the entertainment’s room is unlocked. Most are on this ward. It’s the saner side of insanity so there aren’t as many precautions, rules, securities. It’s too easy, he thinks, as he turns the knob to Renjun's room. But he’s glad because it works in his favor- and that's worthy of appreciation. 

 

Chapter Text

With amusement and without permission, one patient watches the other. 

One, a fearful, trembling boy sweating beneath cheap hospital sheets. His small form wrestling against the afflictions that torment him. The other, a curious sadist, head slightly tilted, eyes fixed on the smaller boy with a superficial smirk across his face. Renjun’s quiet but anguished sobbing is like music to Jaehyun’s ears. If there was a heaven, this would be it. He’s always liked Renjun’s voice. He can’t explain it but there’s a unique quality to it that most people don’t have. It’s one of the things that made him notice Renjun in the first place.

Well that and new patients are easy targets.

He can tell the younger’s trying to call out, but the words are caught in his throat, and he's only able to groan in agony.

A sonata.
Magnificent. 

A smile forms on the elder’s face as he watches Renjun writhe among the obscurity, weakly whimpering from whatever plagues him this night. It’s an interesting show for Jaehyun who decides to get up and stand closer, watching under the luminescence of the moon. The lightning unveils the younger’s face so intensely, betraying everything the shadows covered. Tears finally collapsing from whatever box the adolescent used to trap them during waking hours. Falling from memories as rain falls from the sky. Renjun’s agony paints his face and Jaehyun thinks it’s a beautiful sight. There are so few things as honest as this one’s painfully exposed tears. “It hurts.” Jaehyun imagines Renjun would say if he were awake. He imagines the younger has said this many times, both to himself and to whoever will listen.

He would feel pity for him if he felt anything at all. Kindness is a lie and most people, deep down, want authenticity; the truth that comes with people like Jaehyun.

His truth, Renjun’s truth, is a singular vulgar poem. No one could bring themselves to recite it or bear it personally, but the unbroken want to hear it, read about it, see it on the news. They need it because it give them hope.“It could always be worse."

 

Chapter Text

Jaehyun is a sociopath, or so he’s been told, and he’s not sure why he’s even allowed on this ward. Doctor Suh, as he jokingly calls him without feeling any playfulness at all, says he’s progressing in treatment and it shouldn’t be long before Jaehyun is rehabilitated for the “real world” as they call it. As if it’s any more real out there than it is in here. If anything the rawness is more visceral here, everyone more painfully themselves. In here, it's like everyone's nerves are on the outside of their body and everyone else can see it. No one smiles if they don't want to. Laughs if they'd rather cry. One patient doesn't expect anything from the other. There’s also a lack of expectation (from each other) that anyone will actually get better. And when someone gets re-admitted, well, that’s just what the “real world” does for you.

Another benefit, Jaehyun considers, is how he can watch this boy suffer in his sleep and no one knows he's doing it.
- In here, I can pull this chair up to his bed and have front row seats to Boy-Has-Daddy or Mommy-Issues, he thinks to himself.
- In here, I can lean forward and lick the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. Salty.
- In here, I can place my hand over his mouth and Hold. Hold. Hold. And stop.
- In here, I have power to give him life as he inhales deeply unaware that I could have just as easily taken it.
- In here, I can crawl into his bed slowly and gently lay next to him...

His thoughts are interrupted by Renjun’s awareness that he isn't alone.

“Hu-“ A swift and firm hand covers the younger’s mouth playing in harmony with the downpour outside. Jaehyun's steady body presses closer into Renjun’s own trembling one. “Shh…Renjun. You’re okay. It's Jaehyun. I’m not going to hurt you.”  It will lower the younger’s defenses.

“H-Hyung? I- What are you-?” Renjun whispers as his laborious breathing begins to quieten.

Jaehyun presses his body against Renjun’s a little more, nuzzling against him as he would if they were close friends. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”  He whispers. "I was out of bed when I heard you were having a panic attack.” Moving back a little, elbow propping up his body so as to look down on the younger who was still reeling, eyes blinking slowly as his consciousness rouses. “So I came to see it.” Very matter-of-factly. The separation between Jaehyun's self and his mask is thin. Blink and you'll miss it. Turn your head too quickly or not pay attention for one second and you'll miss which side it was. It's an easy feat for Jaehyun, owing much to his appeal. Handsome in looks and attractive in mannerisms when he lets the lion portion of his chimera through. It's one of the factors that has helped Jaehyun get out of trouble others less so wouldn't be able to. Jaehyun is attractive, charismatic, and taller than most people in here. He’s picturesque. It catches people off guard because they expect one thing and he gives them another and then another.

Multi-faceted charisma.
Multi-faced.

One or two flashes of that sweet, dimpled smile have (in many cases) caused people to let things slide when they shouldn't have, when they knew they shouldn't have - but the appeal was overwhelming and so they gave in. Jaehyun is aware of this and uses it to his advantage because "Why not?" It's useful.

“Hyung came to see me suffer?"  Renjun looks up at Jaehyun, a small pout forming on his plump lips. For anyone else, they’d instantly do what they could to comfort the younger. But Jaehyun isn’t like that and Renjun doesn’t know how to process any of it. Before he could think further on why Jaehyun ended up his in room at this time of night, the older continues-

“I crawled in, of course. How else do you think I did it?” shaking his head like it should be obvious. “I opened the door because it wasn't locked. They should really do something about security around here, don't you think?" Jaehyun leans into Renjun, chin resting on the younger’s petite shoulder. Anyone observing would think it’s a soft and gentle moment between two boys. Whether friends or lovers, it’s sweet and reassuring. Except Jaehyun doesn't feel anything. No intimacy. No bonding moment. However, Renjun does and so he leans into Jaehyun, thankful to have someone here he can somewhat rely on or at least share moments with so he doesn’t feel alone. Someone to help the loneliness from seeping into his bones. Jaehyun knows his presence here in this room, despite the circumstances surrounding it, have comforted the younger- so he continues with societal norms and plays his part well.

"They should." Renjun chuckles dryly, leaning his head back onto Jaehyun, tired from this nightly ordeal and his perpetual hell. "But if you don't mind, I should get some sleep. Doctor Suh wants me to go over some childhood trauma tomorrow and I'm going to need some shuteye to not scream out against suppressed memories." Renjun sighs as Jaehyun rubs his arm softly, the way a parent would as they read bedtime stories to a little one, as Renjun’s grandparents used to do for him.

"I don't mind." tilting his head to the side and smiling, Jaehyun looks passively at Renjun, before snuggling into his shoulder once more. He wants to play. It's unusual that Jaehyun wants to play and when it happens, Renjun’s usually excited because they both end up smiling or laughing and it’s a nice reminder that after everything he’s been through, there is some happiness still left in this world.

“No, you don’t. Good thing this isn't your room." Renjun’s brows furrow coupled with a slight smirk. He wouldn't mind a playful Jaehyun if he weren't so tired and if he didn't have a session in the morning. But as it stands, he really needs to get some sleep. To be honest, if it weren't for the rules, he might ask his hyung to stay. He always did sleep better with someone or something next to him.

“No, I don’t mind and this isn’t your room either. It’s the hospitals. Since I'm a patient here it’s just as much my room as it is yours... Injunnie."

That name "Injun". Jaehyun only uses it when his playful mood is at its peak, which is apparently right now, which is also the most inopportune and unfortunate time for Renjun. He usually enjoys these rare concoctions the older brings him at all ungodly hours of the night. Tonight is different. He knows the theme of tomorrow's session and if he could avoid it entirely, he would. But unlike the his hyung, Renjun doesn't want to stay here forever and if he doesn't get enough rest then he'll have an attack. And no one wants to or will release someone into the free world with that kind of emotional response to something as simple as a conversation.

“No, it isn’t. Get off my bed Jaehyun... hyung. Please.” It’s funny, Renjun thinks, that even in the most unusual circumstance he doesn’t fail to remember his manners.

“Oh, well since you said it like that.” Jaehyun moves on top of him, defined limbs stretching over Renjun’s lithe frame, arms resting over the younger’s chest. “I’m mostly off your bed now.” A self-satisfied smirk. And now it’s time to play. “Injunnie, did you know the medicine they have you on for panic attacks actually increases your risk for having one? It's always like that isn't it? Take medication for depression? It increases your risk for depression. Take it for bi-polar disorder or bpd? Well you might have mania.” Laughing outwardly, the older bends forward, lips and nose touching the sweat on the younger’s neck, whose breathing hitched from trying to process everything that's happened in the past few minutes. He could feel Jaehyun’s lips open and his tongue slide up against the nape of his neck before breathing deeply and sucking against the goosebumps now forming along his skin. 

“Renjun, baby, you taste so good. 
Like sweat and panic.”

Renjun’s eyes open wide before trying to shove Jaehyun off of him. However, Renjun is small and his efforts are futile. He tries to kick at him, push him off, twist and turn underneath Jaehyun’s body but nothing works. He’s simply weaker than his hyung. But Renjun, even in his state of panic, is smart and can think on his feet. Or, in this case, on his back. He shoves Jaehyun one more time before opening his mouth to call out for help and barely manages to get the shortest "He-" when the older covers his mouth swiftly, firmly, scent of handsoap and sweat permeating his senses. The weight of Jaehyun’s body presses down onto Renjun as his mouth speaks tenderly onto the flesh of the younger’s cheek. “Shh... shh... I haven’t given you anything to scream about."

“And I won’t"

*kiss*

"If you let me"

*kiss*

"Do what I want.”

His kisses are delicate, mixed with the institution's bargain mint toothpaste and a cold awareness of where they are: Seoul's third best choice for inpatient mental health. Curiously there are only four institutions of this type in the whole city. This one is currently hiring everyone from janitors and cooks to nurses and doctors. It's always understaffed. It's why patients who seem more capable help out where they can. Cheap or free labor; a bit like private prison. And so it's more of a playground than anything else for people like Jaehyun. But Renjun’s still new here or maybe he's never been in an institution before but he's never said anything about the small staff and it's a wonder if he's even noticed at all. It's certainly not information the older would volunteer to the younger. As many times as he's played with new patients, it's always better when they think help will arrive if they call for it. And it's even better when no help ever comes.

Jaehyun smiles at the thought as his chapped lips press down onto Renjun’s as he breathes him in. "Fuck, you smell just like you taste. Like fear and sweat." With that a long lick up the side of Renjun’s face, from chin to temple. Jaehyun’s tongue is dry and rough, probably from the meds, and Renjun can't take it anymore. He twists and pulls, attempting to free himself or scream – whichever comes first. He can feel his heart rate increasing, worrying that Jaehyun wasn't playing a sick joke about an induced panic attack. If he has a panic attack, Jaehyun will leave him here and someone will overhear him screaming and flailing against his sweat-drenched sheets, maybe an orderly or nurse. It will look like a random, unprovoked attack. It'll seem as if he's not ready to go back into society. If that happens, he's going to be in here a lot longer than he hoped and what's more he'll be stuck with Jaehyun to play with him however he wants for even longer. No. No, this can't happen! And so Renjun twists and writhes under Jaehyun, the friction of their bodies causing Renjun to sweat even more as his attempts become weaker, his strength lessening after such a restless night.

Jaehyun keeps his eyes on Renjun, watches him struggling, sweating, panicking. It's a sight to behold. "Injunnie, you're so beautiful when you struggle."

With an array of kisses, Jaehyun whispers against Renjun’s lips: 
"Come on baby. Keep trying. 
Get that heart pumping. 
Push against me.
Try harder and I’ll let you go.”

The elder thrusts against the younger’s hips slowly, Renjun’s arms firmly gripped above his head with both hands. A repeated motion. He'll take his time with Renjun. No one's going to check on them until the sun is almost up... if at all. That's just the way it works in this place. They've never caught him before. Besides, it doesn't matter to Jaehyun anyway. Even if they did catch them what would it matter? They're already in here. And so he thrusts again, this time with more force. Rough. Hands gripping Renjun’s smaller wrists tighter. He hopes it'll leave bruises. He squeezes harder for good measure before bending down and biting gently on Renjun’s bottom lip.

He has such beautiful lips.
Renjun has beautiful everything but his lips... his lips are a rare type of beauty and they need to bleed for Jaehyun.

It's at this thought, Jaehyun concludes, that the night will not end until he breaks through Renjun's delicate skin, until his red and white cells leak out for Jaehyun to taste again and again. Nor will it end until Jaehyun's spit covers entirely the place Renjun's tears have fallen tonight and all other nights.

Chapter Text

"Injun can't you feel it? You're starting to get hard." Jaehyun buries his face into Renjun’s neck as he rubs up and down against the younger’s growing erection. "You like this, don't you? You don't want to tell me, right? You think I'll look at you differently because you like it when I abuse you. I won't, okay?" Another thrust. "I like you like this. I like when you're vulnerable.” Another thrust between the thin fabric that separates between what could be and what is. Jaehyun looks down to see more tears cascading, wetting the pillow beneath them. The blood is rushing to Renjun’s cheeks and his lips causing a rosy hue and plumping his already naturally pouty lips. It’s desirable. Renjun looks like an angel and in this moment he’s at Jaehyuns disposal. 

“You're so pretty when you cry." Jaehyun thinks as Renjun squeezes his eyes shut still trying to push against his hyung, his current feeble efforts in vain. Although the truth is, and Jaehyun knows it, that even if Renjun had his full strength he’s simply not strong enough to combat any force Jaehyun chooses to use. Jaehyun overpowers him easily and something about this predestined failure gives him satisfaction.

Renjun’s tears are a mixture of salt and medication. Jaehyun thinks it's curious how medications always make things taste different, usually gross. Whether it's urine, sweat, cum... there's always a medication taste and smell. Renjun is no exception to the effects of medication nor to the effects of biology as he grows harder in Jaehyun’s hand. "It's okay to admit that you like it. Scout's honor I won't tell a soul."

Freeing one hand to flit and flicker across Renjun’s arms up to his forehead, Jaehyun kisses his cheek, then his neck, his ears before composing a sadistic melody with tongue-play against shielded skin, creating goosebumps out of fear and desperation, Jaehyun hums to himself, smiling without feeling anything.

Playing Renjun’s body like a piano, reaching an intermission only to bite and grind against the instrument that is Renjun’s tiny body. Moving to match the octave against the dancing lights in the sky. "Kiss me then I'll release you." Fingers now circling just above the tip of Renjun’s elastic waistline. It's not for pleasure. None of this is stimulating for Jaehyun. He doesn't care about Renjun or anyone else on this planet, cadaverous or not. The younger’s panicked and fearful response acts as a crescendo to Jaehyun in a way that feeds his own disordered existence, elevating him in some way without moving him at all.

Renjun doesn't know this and he's fearful. He knows he should listen, it would be the safer thing to do, but he doesn't - he instinctively forces himself to close down, hoping against everything that maybe Jaehyun will get bored and leave. But it doesn't work. Others have tried this too. It never works.

Between tight lips and frustration, Jaehyun grabs Renjun’s erection squeezing hard to let the younger know a line has been crossed before tilting his head and patting lightly against the thin fabric and Renjun’s precum. “You're terrible and you’re going to play because I want you to. And we're friends. Friends don’t deny each other, Renjun.” Jaehyun smiles with amusement at the game and the fear he’s caused, the look of shock and horror and tired desperation on Renjun’s tear-stained face.

But Renjun doesn’t budge. He can’t stop the tears and he can’t stop his own body betraying him, nor the precum leaking out and the small voice at the back of his head telling him he deserves it nor the desire echoing in the back of his mind that he wants it. Wants Jaehyun. Wants all of it. No, he can’t stop any of that, but he can stop pushing back. He can stop giving Jaehyun what he wants. And so he does. He decides to just lay there even if he has to wait until morning for Jaehyun to go back to his room.

“Ah Injunnie, it's so cute how you think this is a game I could lose and you could win. I’ve done this a lot longer than you. And really, who has the literal higher ground?" Another change of expression; this time more stoic like all charade of emotion has passed. Jaehyun inches closer to Renjun’s face and he can feel the hot breath of the older before his hyung pulls back his hair and bites down on his neck, steady hands covering Renjun’s mouth to ensure minimal sounds escape. Fingers twist on his arms, his waist, everywhere. Jaehyun sucks and bites anywhere and everywhere he can. He wonders if it will look like self-harm. "I want to leave my own marks on you so every time you see it, you'll remember this night. Do you think you'll remember Injunnie? Please tell me you'll remember. Jaehyun stops twisting to hold Renjun’s head in both hands, eyes locked, anticipating an answer. Shake your head if you'll remember.”

This time Renjun obeys, tears falling onto Jaehyun’s hands as he does what he's told. It's at this moment that he feels the dichotomy in his thinking lengthen. He wants Jaehyun to leave so he can have some false sense of comfort and rest. But at the same time, there's something about Jaehyun being here, his control over Renjun, the weight of Jaehyun’s body on his own, the way his body betrayed him over the urge to feel Jaehyun inside him, that gives some stability to the chaos that frequents his mind.

Whispering against their pressed lips, Jaehyun calls Renjun’s attention back to him. "Poor baby’s spacing out. Look at me, hm?” He can feel Renjun becoming more pliant beneath him but he’s still zoning out so Jaehyun does the first thing that comes to mind. He caresses Renjun’s face before kissing him on the lips and coasting down, eyes never leaving Renjun’s. He’s in a fog, lips slightly parted, and Jaehyun wonders if that’s how he looks after sex, when it’s been so good it’s like he’s floating.

No, this is the look of subspace and if Jaehyun could get hard at the thought, he would. For now, Jaehyun’s hands trail against the younger’s skin, his lips leaving kisses along the way until he reaches past Renjun’s small waist, the younger subconsciously bucking up at his hyung's hot breath and warm hands cradling his docile body. “That’s it. You’re being such a good boy.” He wonders if he feels anything now or if he’s repeating words he’s read or heard somewhere. He doesn’t like it, doesn’t want to be close to Renjun. Hates that he’s pictured the younger beneath him, eyes locked as Renjun takes him as deep as he’ll go, whimpers turning into moans. His soft eyes and pouty lips. His pretty smile. He hates it. Hates that his face feels hot next to Renjun’s erection. Hates the thought of wanting to take it in his mouth and watch as the younger arches his back up in pleasure, both of them feeling good for once in a long time. Fuck this. He takes one more look up towards Renjun spacey, fucked out looking face, before biting down hard against Renjun’s hip bones, watching as the younger’s face contorts in pain.

"Injunnie, I think I made you bleed.” Jaehyun feigns concern, pleased with the younger’s tears. This is better. It’s more his style. ”No, don't cry. It's not permanent... not physically. It's only a little reminder of our friendship. Don't you want to remember our friendship?

Renjun feels his chest tighten as Jaehyun wraps his arms around him and squeezes; his hyung once more nuzzling into his neck. He doesn't want to like it. Jaehyun has hurt him so much tonight. But it's comforting. When was the last time someone held him?

"Did you hear me?" Jaehyun takes something out of his pants. Something shiny. And sharp. "I swiped it while doing janitorial work. If you’re good, they let you have privileges. Well, they do it to hire less people. The cheap bastards.. Anyway I’m not hard but we could still have some fun.”

Have some fun.

“I-I don’t.”

“I won’t get any pleasure out of it except to see the terror and panicked look in your eyes. Yes, that’s it. The one you have now. The one you had earlier." More hugs. More nuzzling. He must be covered in spit as many times as the Jaehyun has licked, bit, and sucked the various parts of his exposed flesh. "How would you feel to have this knife rip you in pieces from bottom to top? Would you like that? Huh Injun?" A soft hand placed firmly on the younger’s chin. "Look at me when I'm talking to you."

Renjun pauses for too long. He feels his heart rate increase, a darkness ascending, deafness save for a ringing unplaced. “Earth to Reenjuun.” A saccharine song and a cruel slap to his delicate face, Jaehyun takes the knife and starts cutting through Renjun’s pants, who only now realized it’s storming out, the rain and wind beating against the thin window. 

“You know I heard a story that if you count from 1 to 10 with the word Mississippi, it means that a storm is coming closer. Or something like that. It’s an American thing.” He chuckles as the knife continues to cut through Renjun’s pants. “I like it. Let's play a game, okay? I count from 1-10 and if you don't give me what I want, I'll take it. Now don't scream. We wouldn't want you covered in your own blood, would we?" Jaehyun makes a small cut across Renjun’s thigh, droplets of blood weeping like the pattering weather against the window. 

"Nooo.. Injunnie.. I'm so sad. Why are you hurting yourself? Pleeaase don't hurt yourself." Another small cut, more droplets of blood as Jaehyun looks at him with fabricated eyes that look sad but whose reality is only the opposite, pleading with Renjun to stop doing something he’s not. He bends down, kissing around the cut, lapping up the blood. Softly. Gently. Metallic and bittersweet. “Tonight I will taste you in every way, Renjun.”

The younger’s tears now fall steadily mixing with a rising hysteria and perspiration soaking Renjun’s cheap hospital garments. He’s finding it more difficult to calm his breathing as the seconds pass. "No... please... Hyung. Don't do this." Begging against all hope. 

It doesn’t work.

"Don't do what? This?" A firm hand wraps around Renjun’s erection. “You’re small everywhere Injunnie. Soo cute. My hand wraps all the way around so easily.” He pumps up and down, using Renjun’s precum to lubricate and make it feel better for his dongsaeng who has gone through so much recently. Renjun tries not to move his body along with Jaehyun’s motion but it feels too good. He doesn’t look at him, can’t look at him. He doesn’t want this mentally but his body forsakes him and wants only this. 

“Your little cock is perfect. I can take you all the way in the back of my throat. See? Look at me pleasure you, Injun.” When Renjun doesn’t look, Jaehyun sinks his teeth into the younger’s erection before grabbing his balls as a punishment. “When I tell you to do something, do it. I’m not going to ask twice again. Do you understand?” 

Renjun nods and looks down, seeing Jaehyun’s hand wrapping around his erection. “You have such a cute, little cock baby. Your head’s so red and you’re leaking precum everywhere. Now matter how many times I lick it up, it wants more.” Renjun peers down again to see this is true. And the truth is, he wants it. Wants Jaehyun-hyung to suck him and make him feel good. Wants the pain mixed with pleasure that comes from the cuts given to him by Jaehyun and the ecstasy he’d feel with Jaehyun’s lips around his cock, his tongue working the underside as Renjun’s breath hitches and his eyes roll back, mouth parted waiting to take in Jaehyun when it’s his turn. 

Jaehyun smirks. He loves this game. “You’re thinking about it now, right baby? You want me to put my mouth on your little red cock and suck like a pacifier until you’re all dry. Do you want it now Renjunnie?” A question Renjun’s not sure he can answer followed by a playful, apathetic, laugh from the older. 

Renjun feels his body betray him again. This is sick. He’s sick. He shouldn’t be getting off on this. It’s toxic and dangerous. How much further could it escalate if this is the first night?

“Hmm... baby didn’t answer but hyung is forgiving.” Jaehyun crawls on top of Renjun, taking off the younger’s shirt while Jaehyun is still completely clothed. He feels the older’s hands wrap around his neck, squeezing. “Very forgiving.” Renjun swats at his hands, tries to free himself but Jaehyun is sitting on his chest and he’s finding it difficult to breathe. “Y-you’re h-hurting me.” he manages to say through stifled breaths. 

Jaehyun ignores it completely, hands still wrapped around Renjun’s delicate neck until there’s a spark of thought as he manages to get loose of his hospital garments; both boys now naked in Renjun’s bed. The size difference more visible. Other things more visible as well. Renjun notices scars cover Jaehyun’s body and wonders if Jaehyun did this to himself or if someone else did it to him. If he could comfort his hyung right now, he would. Despite it all, he would. But his body is worn out and he’s too afraid to move without permission. He’s not even sure how much more he can take. Better to not bring it up or ask under different circumstances when Jaehyun isn’t sitting naked atop his bare chest. 

 “Let’s go back to the game before the storm finishes. What do you say Injunnie? 1 Mississippi. 2 Mississippi. You have until the count of 10. 3 Mississippi. Do you know what you’re supposed to be doing?”

“I.. I don’t want... please... don't. Stop."

“Don't stop? Okay then. 4, 5, 6 Mississippi.” He counts slowly as he climbs back down until he’s positioned at Renjun’s entrance. Jaehyun thrusts aggressively to the sound of his counting, his own erection barely growing due to the side effects of one of the many medications he's on. It’s frustrating but he still has his tongue and he still has his fingers.

Lightning strikes outside illuminating their contrasting frames against the wall of Renjun’s cramped room, shadows separate absent of the misfortunes experienced since Jaehyun crept in, uninvited. The sweat, tears, spit, blood, cum, scars. The trauma Renjun won't be telling Dr. Suh about in a few hours.

"Sometimes you need to be used. Do you understand, Renjun?” Renjun doesn’t wait this time. He nods ardently.

“Good boy. 7, 8.” He’s given up saying the word Mississippi now as he makes Renjun suck on his middle finger before inserting it slowly, taking his time, into the smaller boy stroking him gently. Renjun’s back arches and a small moan escapes his lips as Jaehyun moves his finger in and out, hitting spots Renjun wasn’t aware he had. He’s angelic. Everything from his pouty lips to his bright eyes to his small stature; everything about him is ethereal and Jaehyun catches himself for the first time feeling something.

Renjun notices the light of the moon illuminates all Jaehyun’s best features and Renjun thinks he’s lucky because on the outside Jaehyun might not have looked at him at all. And maybe he’s ignorant or maybe it’s because he can’t think right now or maybe it’s because he’s never had this kind of intimacy but the chaos leading up to this moment feels honest. 

“It feels so good hyung.”

Jaehyun keeps thrusting and Renjun wishes upon all the world that he didn’t yearn for this, that Jaehyun would stop or that he'd wake up and this will have been nothing but a dream. But god it feels so good. Why isn’t this a dream? And not just this night. The entirety of the situation. The reason why he’s here. Why can’t all of it be a dream? He's used to those. But this is real, too real. 

“Do you want me to use you, Renjunnie?" 

He nods because he does want it. He wants to be used and he wants to bleed for Jaehyun and scar for Jaehyun. He can’t explain it and if anyone ever found out, he’d say “It was the medications.” But the truth is, he’s wanted this since the first time he ever felt anything sexual. When he started going through puberty, he knew it was fucked up and knew he couldn’t say anything to anyone - that is until this night with Jaehyun. In whatever way Jaehyun decides, he’ll accept it. 

“I want you to use me, hyung.”

He can hear the desperation in Renjun’s voice. This tiny body laying beneath him, pliant, ready, eager. It stirs something primal within him. “Do you want me to abuse you, Renjunnie?”

“Yes hyungie. I want everything from you.”

He feels Renjun quiver underneath him, swallowing in a dry throat, lips un-chapped unlike his own. His lithe, little body, bruised and scarred from just one night. He’s covered in dry spit and memories. Jaehyun’s work of art. 

“Then say you’re mine.” 

Renjun opens his eyes, pulling Jaehyun closer before biting on his lip, an open invitation to kiss, arms wrapping around his hyung’s neck before running his hands gently over Jaehyun’s scarred body. 

“I’m yours.”