“You’re cute!” Jimin shouts at Yoongi, almost like he’s accusing him.
“No, I’m not,” Yoongi replies, leaning into the couch next to Namjoon and closing his eyes.
They’re backstage, waiting to be called for an interview. This discussion about “cuteness” has been going for like five minutes now, and Yoongi is just about done with it. Namjoon, Hoseok and Seokjin seem about done with it too. But Taehyung and Jimin are still in full swing, Jeongguk looking away from his phone, apparently interested too.
“No, no,” Taehyung shakes his head, sitting on the arm of the couch beside Jimin. “You’re cute,” he tells Jimin, “And Jeongguk is cute, and Namjoon is cute-“
“Namjoon is not cute,” Jimin argues. “He’s handsome. There’s a difference.”
“He’s totally cute, what are you talking about?” Taehyung says. “Have you seen his dimples? Those are cute dimples.”
“His dimples are cute, yes, but he’s handsome,” Jimin says.
“And you’re bored,” Namjoon mumbles, rolling his eyes.
“Namjoon hyung is handsome, not cute,” Jeongguk chimes in. “He’s cute when he acts cute, but he’s also kinda bashful and uncomfortable when he acts cute. He’s much more comfortable being handsome than cute.”
“What even is this discussion?” Namjoon asks the ceiling.
“Don’t know, but it’s making me tired,” Hoseok answers from the third couch, his eyes closed. Seokjin is sitting beside him, looking like he’s ready for a long nap rather than an interview.
“But we can agree that Yoongi is cute, right?” Jimin asks, and Yoongi groans.
“Absolutely,” Taehyung says.
“The fans definitely think he’s cute,” Hoseok adds, apparently not that fucking tired.
“I’m not cute,” Yoongi says quietly. He really wants this discussion to end. Like right now.
“I think he’s more pretty than cute though,” Hoseok says.
“Hmm,” Jimin hums. “Maybe.”
Annoyed. Annoyed is the adjective they’re looking for. Yoongi is annoyed.
“So, Yoongi’s cute, Namjoon’s handsome, Seokjin’s handsome, Tae’s handsome,” Jimin lists off. “Kookie’s cute, I’m hot-“
“Hot?” Hoseok laughs. “You’re the cutest one of all of us.”
“Yes,” Jimin agrees. “But I’m also really hot.”
“So that works for Kook too,” Hoseok says.
“Me?” Jeongguk asks.
“Yeah, the fans totally think you’re hot,” Hoseok says.
“And cute,” Taehyung adds.
“Yeah,” Hoseok exclaims.
“Jimin is really attractive,” Namjoon says out of nowhere, nodding. “Very cute and very hot. It’s a good mix.”
“The fans think you’re hot,” Jimin says, looking at Hoseok.
“And adorable,” Hoseok adds, completely serious. Then starts laughing.
“So, we’ve got three mixes then,” Jimin decides. “Hoseok, Kookie and I are hot and cute-“
“What are we, dog breeds?” Yoongi chimes in.
Seokjin snorts with his eyes closed.
“Tae and Jin are classic handsome,” Jimin says.
“Excuse you, I’m not classic handsome, I’m unique handsome,” Taehyung corrects.
“And I’m-“ Seokjin starts.
“-worldwide handsome,” Seokjin, Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jeongguk say at the same time.
“I’m also totally hot,” Seokjin says while everyone but him and Yoongi laugh.
“Yes, but the fans see you as handsome,” Taehyung says. “That’s like, your whole thing.”
Seokjin’s eyebrows furrow for a second before his face turns impassive again.
“It’s not his whole thing,” Yoongi wakes up.
“Yeah, no, but you know what I mean,” Taehyung says.
“Yes, way to go on reducing all of us to shallow lifeless figures with no personality or skill,” Yoongi says tiredly.
Jimin rolls his eyes dramatically, and then they just keep talking about it.
Yoongi zones out. Has no interest in hearing what they have to say anymore. A few minutes pass and, while he’s not listening, he can very clearly hear that Seokjin is the only one besides him not speaking. So, Yoongi opens his eyes and glances at him.
The thing about living with Seokjin in the same room for so goddamn long is that he knows Seokjin. He knows Seokjin better than most. So, even though on the outside, Seokjin looks unbothered, tired, not interested, his eyes closed, Yoongi can see the tiniest line between his brows, and that line indicates that he is listening. And whatever he’s hearing, he’s… not happy. Yoongi can’t tell If Seokjin’s just annoyed or bothered or whatever, but he’s definitely not happy.
The conversation doesn’t really change either, Yoongi realizes once he tunes in. It’s the same dog-breed-mixes handsome versus cute bullshit conversation floating around Yoongi’s ears. But if he focuses on the things being said about Seokjin, it’s always a simple no-mix ‘handsome,’ which Seokjin is. He’s very handsome. So, Yoongi doesn’t know exactly what it is that’s bothering Seokjin all that much.
Yoongi has apparently been declared ‘cute’ unanimously, which he’s pretending not to be annoyed by. But maybe he’s not pretending well enough, because he notices Seokjin looking at him, and when their eyes meet, Seokjin’s eyebrow rises in question. Yoongi dismisses him with a look. Doesn’t want to talk about it. And Seokjin lets it go because he knows Yoongi just as much as Yoongi knows him, and he knows the right and wrong time to bring things up with Yoongi.
When they’re called out to the interview, the conversation finally ends. Yoongi’s not sure how long it lasted, but he’s just fucking glad it’s over.
Later that night, when they get back to the dorm, Yoongi finds himself sitting on his bed with his laptop, freshly showered, when Seokjin comes in. Seokjin closes and locks the door behind himself, drying off his hair. The only light in the room is coming from Yoongi’s laptop, but then Seokjin turns the light beside his bed on.
He looks… messy. In a good way. Yoongi always likes the way Seokjin looks after a shower. Natural. No makeup. Effortlessly handsome. Tired. The difficulty of the day showing up in the calmness on his face. No big smiles for the camera. His shoulders held a little lower. Showers seem to do that to Seokjin. Calm him. Wash off the day and show off the day at the same time. He walks quietly, tugging on a t-shirt, then taking it off and putting on another one, and for some reason… Yoongi is looking. He never looks. What’s there to look at? There’s nothing there that he hasn’t seen before. Hell, he’s seen Seokjin naked more times than he ever should have what with being his roommate. But today… he’s looking.
Something’s bothering Seokjin. Yoongi can feel it. And it’s rubbing off on him. Actually, ever since that beauty-dog-breeds conversation this morning, that line between Seokjin’s eyebrows has been bothering Yoongi. Seokjin is so handsome. Yoongi has no idea why that conversation seemed to bother Seokjin. Seokjin knows he’s handsome. Hell, Yoongi wishes he was as handsome as Seokjin. Every fan knows that Seokjin is handsome. And they don’t get to see nearly as much of Seokjin as Yoongi does. So, what’s the problem?
Seokjin catches Yoongi staring and shoots Yoongi a suspicious look. Maybe Yoongi’s just seeing things though. He’s good at reading Seokjin, but Seokjin’s never been bothered by comments about his good looks before, so maybe Yoongi is just overthinking, seeing something that isn’t there. So, he ignores Seokjin’s questioning look and turns back to his computer, wondering if he should bring it up, try to figure out what’s bothering Seokjin, despite the fact that he’s not sure what to bring up in the first place.
Even as he’s trying to do things on the computer, Yoongi’s still aware of Seokjin walking around the room, Seokjin sitting down onto his bed with his phone, Seokjin turning the light off and getting under his blanket. But it’s all in the background, not bothering him or anything. They know how to not bother each other. Still, Yoongi doesn’t get much of anything done, thoughts drifting all over the place, worry prodding somewhere in the back of his mind. So, when Seokjin turns off his phone, throws the blanket to the side of the bed and moves to sit on the edge of his bed, feet on the carpet, Yoongi perks up and looks away from his laptop.
It’s talking time. But apparently Seokjin is the one who’s going to start the conversation.
Yoongi doesn’t say anything, simply waiting for Seokjin to speak, and it ends up being quiet for a good long minute before he actually does.
“You’re okay, right?” Seokjin asks.
Yoongi’s eyebrows furrow, “Why do you ask?”
Seokjin purses his lips, and it’s quiet for another moment.
He’s trying to bring something up, Yoongi can see that, but Yoongi’s not sure what. He just waits though. This isn’t going to be the first time they talk about serious stuff. Or the hundredth. Yoongi knows Seokjin’s process by now. And Seokjin knows his. And they’re pretty much the same. They’ll both talk about whatever it is, but neither of them pressures the other into it. Seokjin will say whatever he has to say when he’s ready, as would Yoongi. It’s a good system. Works for both of them.
Yoongi does make sure that Seokjin knows that he’s paying attention. Because that matters. Paying attention matters to Seokjin. At that, they’re kind of the opposite. When Yoongi brings anything serious up, anything that makes him feel vulnerable, he’d almost rather have Seokjin pretend that he’s not listening, not until Yoongi has it all out and off his chest, just so Yoongi would feel less scrutinized. But Seokjin wants to see that Yoongi is paying attention and taking him seriously, that’s something Yoongi’s learned over the years.
“You know, this morning,” Seokjin says eventually. “You looked… annoyed.”
“When we were talking dog breeds?” Yoongi asks.
Seokjin scoffs, “Yeah.”
“I was annoyed,” Yoongi says. “Of course I was annoyed, it was an annoying conversation.”
“Yeah, but it was…” Seokjin trails off. “I felt like I could tell that something was wrong.”
So, he was worried about Yoongi the same way that Yoongi was worried about him.
Yoongi puts his laptop down on his bedside table, leaving it open, facing them, lighting the room just slightly, and moves to the edge of his own bed, placing his feet on the carpet and facing Seokjin. It’s pretty dark, but as long as the computer is on, Yoongi can see Seokjin just fine.
The distance is good too. Not sitting next to each other. Both Yoongi and Seokjin like their space. Especially during more serious moments like this one. Physical closeness is, at the end of the day, something that Yoongi does like and appreciate. But he likes it moderated. And so does Seokjin. There are right and wrong moments for physical closeness. Right now, it’s a wrong one.
“You know, I was thinking the same thing,” Yoongi says. “That I thought I noticed that something was wrong. With you, I mean.”
“I was fine,” Seokjin dismisses Yoongi.
But he looks away. For just a second, just as he says it, he looks away from Yoongi, and that’s all it takes for Yoongi to know that he’s not being entirely honest. It’s okay though, Yoongi doesn’t call him out on it, doesn’t push him. If it’s something serious, Seokjin would tell him anyway, whenever he’s comfortable enough. And if it’s not something serious, if it’s just something small, maybe just keeping the conversation going will get Seokjin to talk to him about it.
“I was fine too,” Yoongi says. “Just annoyed.”
“Why?” Seokjin asks, looking at Yoongi.
“Don’t like being reduced to just looks,” Yoongi says.
Seokjin nods, “Especially when it’s the ‘cute’ label, right?”
“That easy to tell?” Yoongi asks, trying to sound lighthearted. He doesn’t know if it works.
“Kinda, yeah,” Seokjin shrugs.
They’re quiet for a moment.
“I have no problem with being cute, you know,” Yoongi says. “Not really. I know I’m kinda small. At in comparison to you guys, and that my thighs are small and that my face is round, but I don’t mind it. I don’t mind being cute. I don’t mind the fans seeing me as cute. I just… I don’t like it… in some specific situations.”
“The fans don’t see you just as cute though,” Seokjin says. “They see you as a badass.”
Yoongi huffs out a laugh, “That’s the new fans. I feel like I’m kinda stuck in between two images.”
“Two?” Seokjin asks.
“Yeah,” Yoongi smiles, but he’s not exactly happy. “Badass and noncaring to new fans, then cute and adorable to older fans.”
“But if you don’t mind it-“ Seokjin starts.
“I don’t,” Yoongi cuts him off. “I just…” he sighs. “I think I would rather be more handsome than cute.”
“You are handsome,” Seokjin says, conviction in his voice. “And cute.”
“But I’m more cute than handsome, right?” Yoongi laughs.
“Maybe to older fans…” Seokjin says then stops, opens his mouth and closes it like he doesn’t know what else to add.
Yoongi huffs out another laugh, seeing an in, “You’re handsome.”
“Yeah,” Seokjin says, and there’s that little crease between his brows again.
“Since when are you bothered by that?” Yoongi asks.
Seokjin catches Yoongi’s gaze, “I’m not.”
“Except that you are,” Yoongi calls him out on it this time. “At least right now. And this morning.”
There’s a pause.
“I feel stupid,” Seokjin says, shaking his head and laughing at himself.
And this is the right moment. This is when closeness is needed.
Yoongi stands up, walks over to Seokjin and sits next to him. There’s still enough distance between their bodies, but Yoongi places his hand in the middle of Seokjin’s back, comforting. Or at least hoping to comfort. The computer enters sleep mode, and the light fades out, leaving them in darkness. And that’s good. It’s easier to talk in the darkness.
“You’re not stupid,” Yoongi states.
“But I feel like it,” Seokjin argues.
“Why?” Yoongi runs his hand up and down Seokjin’s back. “Because you feel like complaining about being handsome?”
“Yeah,” Seokjin exhales. “What a stupid thing to complain about.”
“It’s not stupid,” Yoongi says. “Stop being mean to yourself. We all have things to deal with. This is one of yours.”
“Yeah, but it’s ridiculous,” Seokjin insists.
“Stop it,” Yoongi scoots a bit closer to Seokjin, pressing himself to Seokjin’s side, hugging him with one arm. “Why does it bother you?”
Seokjin shakes his head.
“Come on, why does it bother you?” Yoongi insists.
“It’s not that it bothers me,” Seokjin sighs, leaning into Yoongi. “Not exactly. I just don’t like it being ‘my whole thing’.”
“It’s not your whole thing,” Yoongi says, frowning. “Of course it isn’t.”
“Except that the fans see it that way,” Seokjin says.
“Why do you think that?” Yoongi’s voice comes out a bit outraged. “You’re working so hard.”
Seokjin smiles sadly.
“You’ve always worked hard,” Yoongi adds. “I think you’ve made the biggest improvement out of all of us. Singing, dancing, stage presence, all of it. You’re amazing.”
“Thanks,” Seokjin whispers, head down. “I try.”
“I know,” Yoongi’s voice softens. “You always have. I really admire that.”
Seokjin looks up at him, and Yoongi, noticing how close they are, moves his head back slightly.
“You’re not just handsome,” Yoongi presses on. “You’re far more than that. You’re one hardworking, talented, and handsome guy.”
Seokjin laughs, “It’s important for me to not be ‘just handsome,’ you know.”
“I know,” Yoongi runs his hand up and down Seokjin’s side. Of course Yoongi knows.
“I hate it that that’s all I come off as,” Seokjin says.
“Not to me. And not to the fans,” Yoongi shakes his head. “Maybe in the beginning, when we just started, when you were-” Yoongi makes quotes with his free hand, “-the visual. But you’re far more than just the visual now.”
“I’m not talking about just the fans,” Seokjin says. “I come off like that to everyone. Which is still a stupid thing to complain about.”
Yoongi ignores the self-deprecation, “Why is it a problem to come off as handsome to everyone?”
“It’s not,” Seokjin dismisses, backpedaling, shaking his head quickly. “It’s hard to explain.”
Yoongi tries to think of a way to get the conversation back on track. He sighs.
“You know why I don’t like being called cute?” Yoongi asks.
Seokjin looks up at him, “You said you don’t mind it.”
“I don’t mind it from fans. Or you, or Jimin or Taehyung or whatever,” Yoongi says. “I mind it from hookups.”
Seokjin blinks at him for a second, “Why?”
“Because I’m not cute,” Yoongi says easily, then smiles at Seokjin’s confusion. “I look cute, fine, whatever. But I’m not… the stereotypically cute twink,” he spits. “I’m not some innocent sweetheart who’ll lay back and let you fuck them missionary while looking into your eyes and begging for you. I’m not. But I think I come off that way.”
“I don’t think you come off that way,” Seokjin says.
“You know me, that’s why you think that,” Yoongi says. “But I think… that’s like… the first impression I give off to hookups.”
“But you… wear leather jackets and drink whiskey and do a bunch of… not cute things,” Seokjin says.
Yoongi laughs, “Yeah, and I like my leather jackets and whiskey. But I also like wearing white and other… softer colors and clothes. And I can’t really do that when I’m looking to hook up with someone.”
“Why can’t you?” Seokjin asks.
Yoongi takes a deep breath, tries to figure out how to untangle his thoughts enough for them to make sense to Seokjin.
“It’s almost like…” Yoongi tries. “Like, to come off as myself, I have to not be myself,” he pauses, thinks again. “Like if I want to come off as less cute and twink-y, I need to wear less cute things. But I don’t hate wearing some of those cute things. So, if I wear something cute, I will come off as cute, meaning not as myself. And if I wear something less cute, like leather and beanies and ripped jeans, I come off as less cute, but that means I have to give up wearing things that I like wearing. And I still end up coming off as cute despite the effort. ‘The twinkie in the leather jacket,’ someone called me once. Wanted to punch him in his fucking face,” Yoongi takes a breath, and Seokjin smiles sadly. “So basically, by trying to come off as not cute, I… I feel like I lose a little bit of who I am on the way. But by not trying, by just being myself, I give off a misleading twink-y first impression.”
“That’s…” Seokjin tries.
“Stupid?” Yoongi offers with a raised brow.
“No,” Seokjin’s eyebrows furrow. “Of course not.”
“Then complaining about being handsome isn’t stupid either,” Yoongi states.
Seokjin looks down again.
“Makes it hard to find good lays,” Yoongi comments when it gets too quiet again. “Being cute.”
Seokjin looks up again.
“It’s like at this point…” Yoongi thinks back to the last time he was in a bar, some guy coming towards him. “It’s almost like I can recognize it in someone’s eyes. The want to have someone cute. Smug macho little pieces of shit think that because I’m small and cute they can throw me around and that I won’t bite back?” Yoongi shakes his head. “Motherfuckers got a new thing coming,” he pauses. “No pun intended.”
Seokjin smiles. A genuine smile. And Yoongi smiles a little too.
“You used to get laid a lot,” Yoongi comments, rubbing Seokjin’s side again. “What happened?”
Seokjin stares at him for a second, “How do you know I’m not still getting laid a lot?”
“Come on… I live with you,” Yoongi says. “I know when you get laid.”
Nights when Seokjin doesn’t come back home. Nights when Seokjin comes back looking extra messy and extra sluggish and satisfied. Yeah. Yoongi could always tell.
The smile quickly disappears from Seokjin’s eyes.
There’s a long pause. Yoongi lays his forehead on Seokjin’s shoulder.
“For the same reason,” Seokjin says eventually.
Yoongi’s eyebrows furrow, confused, “Being handsome?”
“Being just handsome,” Seokjin corrects. “I don’t have a problem with being handsome. Obviously. I have a problem with being just handsome.”
“I don’t like being reduced to just looks either,” Seokjin says. “And that kind of… happens all the time with hookups. Kinda the same way that it does with you being cute. Hookups tend to see me as handsome and assume that I’m also stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” Yoongi whispers.
“I’m not stupid,” Seokjin repeats. “And I know it. And usually it doesn’t bother me if hookups see me that way because I know it, and because I only really want them for one thing, but… I don’t know, lately it’s been bothering me.”
“I get it,” Yoongi says. “I wouldn’t want to be seen that way either.”
“It just happened again,” Seokjin says, eyebrows furrowing, irritated. “A week and a half ago, when we all drove home. I went out to this bar that I always go to. Some really… on the down-low type of place where I can usually find someone to hook up with, because it really has been a while. And I was, you know, just standing at the bar, and someone came up to me and started talking to me. And he was hot, but- I don’t know, I was getting kind of a weird vibe off him, and at some point… I don’t remember exactly what he said, just that it was a really blatant invitation to sleep with him, and I said ‘I’ll think about it,’ and then he said: ‘pretty boys like you don’t need to think to get fucked real good’-“
“What the fuck,” Yoongi interjects.
“Yeah,” Seokjin huffs out a laugh. “That was probably the most blatant way I ever had that said to me. But it’s not like it was the first time someone implied it. It’s always been like that. For as long as I can remember. I’m the handsome but stupid hookup, and I just… I don’t wanna be that anymore.”
“So you didn’t get laid that night,” Yoongi says quietly.
“Nope,” Seokjin says. “He kinda ruined my mood.”
“Yeah,” Yoongi breathes, rubbing Seokjin’s side. “You’re smart as fuck. He was the idiot.”
A smile tugs at the corner of Seokjin’s lips and finally, he leans into Yoongi’s hug. “So, I guess it just… it’s still kinda… fresh in my mind. So, when we were talking this morning, and when they said being handsome was ‘my whole thing,’ I don’t know…”
“Hit a sensitive spot?” Yoongi offers.
“Yeah, I guess,” Seokjin says.
“You’re looking for something a little… more serious now?” Yoongi asks. “In terms of relationships, hookups.”
“I’m looking for someone who will respect me, someone who’ll take me seriously,” Seokjin says. “Hookup, relationship, I don’t know. I don’t know what I can allow myself to have. But I wanna be taken seriously. That’s one thing that… yeah.”
Yoongi nods, and after that, they’re quiet. Breathing. Yoongi’s not sure what to say.
“You used to look at me that way too, you know?” Seokjin says with a little smile. “Handsome and nothing more.”
“I…” Yoongi lifts his head off Seokjin’s shoulder, mouth opening and closing, staying close. That was a long time ago. It’s been forever since he thought of Seokjin that way.
“It’s okay,” Seokjin smiles softly. “I get it. I got back then too.”
“I… I don’t-“ Yoongi breathes in. “I don’t think that…”
“Anymore?” Seokjin offers, and Yoongi’s mouth opens and closes again a couple times. “I told you, it’s okay.”
“I really don’t think of you that way at all,” Yoongi finds his words again.
“Not now,” Seokjin nods. “But back then, you did. And I didn’t blame you.”
Yoongi doesn’t say anything.
“I really wanted to impress you back then. More than any of the others. You were the most difficult one to impress,” Seokjin says, pauses, seems to think, then keeps going. “I found you really intimidating.”
“Intimidating?” Yoongi asks.
“Yeah,” Seokjin smiles. “So talented. At music production. At rapping. At writing… The company valued you a lot. And so did the group. You were an essential part of it all from the very beginning. The group wouldn’t have looked the same without you-“
“It wouldn’t have looked the same without you too,” Yoongi interjects.
They look at each other.
“You came from a pretty difficult background,” Seokjin continues. “You went through shit. And even though I didn’t know exactly what you went through back then, I could tell that you went through a lot. You were younger than me but a lot more serious than me. More mature. And it felt like you experienced the world more than I did. And you were a really hard worker. Juggled multiple jobs, wrote and composed late into the night. I admired you. Respected you. Learned from you,” Seokjin takes a deep breath. “There was this almost… stubborn pride in you. Like you knew you deserved to be there, and you knew your value. And then I come in… wealthy family background, no singing, rapping, dancing or music production experience, taken in for my looks… It made sense for you to look at me like I was only looks and no brains. I wasn’t surprised that we weren’t close in the beginning, once I started learning more about you and about what you valued in people. I could see in your eyes that you didn’t like me-“
“I-“ Yoongi tries to say something, but he doesn’t know what.
“-even if you never said it. That you thought I didn’t deserve to be there,” Seokjin continues. “Not the way that you deserved it. It made me work harder. Made me wanna impress you more, prove myself. I wanted to earn your respect.”
“You did,” Yoongi says softly, looking into Seokjin’s eyes. “You really did. You deserve to be here just as much as any of us, I hope you know that.”
Seokjin nods, holding Yoongi’s gaze.
“I think I was angry at you back then,” Yoongi whispers just as Seokjin opens his mouth. “Or jealous,” Yoongi’s eyebrows furrow, remembering, watching Seokjin’s eyebrows furrow as well. “Of how easy everything seemed to be for you. But it wasn’t easy, was it? You worked your ass off, and you still do. And yeah, my opinion was valuable to the company, and I remember… there was one time, about a month into your training, that Bang PD asked me privately what I thought about you,” Yoongi pauses, licks his lips. “I told him that you work harder than all of us.”
Seokjin gulps, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. Yoongi watches it, thinking about how right Seokjin is, how Yoongi used to look at him like pretty but stupid too. Yoongi’s heart clenches, and he looks down. Seokjin doesn’t deserve that – not now, not then. Yoongi was just proud back then, he knows that. He felt like he was better than half the people in the world back then, and Seokjin was part of that half. He doesn’t know how they’ve never talked about this before, how he’s never apologized. He should apologize.
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi whispers, his voice coming out more emotional then intended. Better late than never. He looks up again, finds himself closer to Seokjin than he was before. Really close. Seokjin’s eyes widen. “I was a big-headed asshole back then, and I really did see you as if you were only handsome and not much more. But I shouldn’t have. It was entirely unfounded. It came from a place of anger and jealously and pride, and we could have been good friends much sooner had I gotten my head out of my ass.”
“We really could have,” Seokjin says with his eyebrows up high, and Yoongi lets out a little laugh. “And you’re forgiven. Even though there isn’t really anything to forgive in the first place.”
Seokjin’s tongue runs over his lips, and Yoongi watches it, feeling guilty. Anger and jealousy, that’s what he felt towards Seokjin then. Handsome but stupid, that’s what he thought. But that wasn’t the only thing.
Yoongi was just like them. Just like those hookups. Looked at Seokjin like an object more than anything else. Thought about Seokjin, about doing things with Seokjin, sexual things, angry things. Imagined fucking him in the dance studio, imagined getting fucked by him against some wall somewhere. Imagined blue and purple fingerprints on both of them, the kinds that last for a long time. He never acted on it. Didn’t respect Seokjin enough to hit on him. Thought that Seokjin wouldn’t last there and that he wasn’t worth it. Didn’t deserve it. Something. Yoongi doesn’t remember what excuses he had back then.
But Yoongi was the one who didn’t deserve Seokjin. He was the asshole. He was the one objectifying and judging. And he was jealous. So jealous. Felt ugly next to Seokjin. More than he ever felt it before next to anyone. Seokjin was perfect. Gorgeous, hardworking, determined. And Yoongi was just angry and ugly and jealous, and he hated pretty much everyone back then. Including Seokjin. Including himself.
“You are beautiful though,” Seokjin says all of a sudden, snapping Yoongi out of it, and Yoongi swallows hard against the lump in his throat, watching Seokjin’s lips move, overwhelmed by a sudden urge to kiss Seokjin, old fantasies coming back, rewritten into something different. Something better. Something with the Seokjin that he knows now rather than the Seokjin that he was envious of then. “Not just cute. You’re really, really handsome.”
“You’re beautiful too,” Yoongi whispers, looks up and finds intensity in Seokjin’s eyes. A look he’s not sure how to decipher. A look he’s never seen. He glances at Seokjin’s lips again, thinks about Seokjin singing, imagines what Seokjin’s lips would feel like against his, what Seokjin’s moans would sound like. His heart beats a little faster. “But you’re also really talented and smart,” he looks back up into Seokjin’s eyes, so close he can feel Seokjin’s breaths on his face. “So, so smart. About everything from people and food to money and business. You’re gonna end up owning half the world by the time you’re forty. You’re just that good.”
Seokjin looks at him and says nothing.
“I mean it,” Yoongi breathes, watches Seokjin’s gaze fall to his lips and rise back up to his eyes. “I really do.”
Yoongi doesn’t know what to do. His heart is racing, and he finds himself wanting. Wanting so fucking much. He doesn’t understand why this desire hit him now, why he’s bombarded by thoughts he hasn’t had in years, why he so desperately wants to act on them, why it feels like Seokjin wants it too.
They look at each other, and they’re so close. Yoongi swallows hard and watches Seokjin’s eyes glance up and down again. They’re both breathing too hard, and Yoongi is almost confused by the intensity around them. What’s changed? Why does he suddenly want Seokjin so fucking bad? What does he do about it? If anything?
“I mean it too,” Seokjin whispers. “You’re really beautiful.”
Seokjin moves an inch closer to Yoongi, and Yoongi suddenly feels almost like he doesn’t know Seokjin. Doesn’t understand what his eyes are saying. But Yoongi does know him. He does. And he knows when Seokjin is nervous and when Seokjin is daring and when Seokjin wants something. It just feels like, right now, that something is Yoongi. And Yoongi just… can’t comprehend that. Can barely comprehend his own desire right now. But it’s still there, and Seokjin can probably see it in Yoongi, otherwise he wouldn’t be this daring, wouldn’t lean in so close. And if Seokjin is daring and brave, maybe Yoongi should be too.
So, he slowly – so fucking slowly – lifts up one of his hands, and Seokjin glances at that hand, watches it tremble until it finds its place on Seokjin’s cheek. Neither of them says anything. Seokjin licks his lips, glances down at Yoongi’s lips and up into his eyes once, twice, three times. Unsure. Of course he’s unsure. But then he follows Yoongi’s lead and lifts one of his own hands to Yoongi’s cheek, cradling it, bringing them just the tiniest bit closer, putting them on equal ground, showing Yoongi that yes, he wants this too, and the next thing Yoongi knows, they’re both leaning in, and their lips are pressed together.
His heart is pounding. Fucking pounding. And Seokjin’s lips are so, so soft. Even now, they don’t move, lips pressed together, heading into an entirely new territory in their relationship. But even this minimal touch feels so good, so right, and Yoongi’s heart keeps pounding so hard, lump in his throat so big. He doesn’t want to pull away, afraid to break the spell, but he does, or maybe Seokjin does. He’s not sure.
They stay close though, their noses touching, and Yoongi’s eyes open exactly a second before Seokjin’s. Yoongi sees so much fear in Seokjin’s eyes, so much hesitation, but Yoongi’s pretty sure he looks exactly the same right now, so he kisses Seokjin again anyway. Daring. Brave. Gentle. So gentle. And Seokjin kisses back.
It lasts for only a few seconds and then they’re pulling back again. It just feels longer. It feels like years of friendship and love coming together into one kiss. Yoongi’s afraid to look up at Seokjin’s eyes, so he just looks at Seokjin’s lips. He sees Seokjin gulp, but Seokjin doesn’t say anything. And neither does Yoongi. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know anything right now.
Eventually, he does look up, eyes locking with Seokjin’s, and he finds himself dreading the darkness around them and being thankful for it all at once. He’s afraid of what he looks like, afraid of the need he knows is in his own expression, but he wants to see Seokjin better. Wants to see if his cheeks are as pink as Yoongi’s feel. Maybe he could read Seokjin better then, in the light. But what’s there to misread? Seokjin kissed him. And Yoongi doesn’t need lights to know that Seokjin’s mind is racing just as much as his is. All he needs is to listen to the way Seokjin is panting.
Seokjin’s fingers twitch slightly on Yoongi’s cheek, and the movement tugs Yoongi out of his head, dissipating the fog ever so slightly. It makes him more aware of what they’re doing, but that doesn’t change anything but the fact that now, his mind actually wraps around the fact that Seokjin kissed him back, not once, but fucking twice, that Seokjin wants him too.
So, he kisses Seokjin again. Deeper this time, breathing him in. Seokjin pushes his own lips against Yoongi’s so hard it makes Yoongi tighten his grip on Seokjin’s neck. Their bodies shift towards each other, and both of them raise their unoccupied hands to each other’s necks, holding each other tighter, harder. Yoongi is afraid to let go.
Seokjin opens his lips against Yoongi’s, and Yoongi follows, taking Seokjin’s bottom lip between his, dragging his hand up into Seokjin’s hair and holding it, holding him, scared out of his mind but wanting so fucking much. They barely breathe, just kissing, the room silent except for the sound of their lips coming together. Yoongi’s still too scared to talk. Seokjin probably feels the same fear. So, they don’t talk, they just kiss. They kiss and kiss, and Yoongi slips his tongue between Seokjin’s lips, and they keep kissing. Then Seokjin whimpers, and Yoongi’s heart threatens to stop beating, so Yoongi kisses Seokjin harder, his sanity hanging on by a thread.
He doesn’t know if it’s him who pushes Seokjin back or if it’s Seokjin pulling him, but suddenly Seokjin is lying back onto the bed. And they have to stop the kiss- they have to fucking stop it for Seokjin to lie back properly on the pillow, and it gives Yoongi time to think. But he doesn’t think. Doesn’t think. Doesn’t think at all. Just follows Seokjin and kisses him again, lying on top of him, one thigh between Seokjin’s, one arm by Seokjin’s head, the other hand holding his cheek, Seokjin’s arms wrapping around Yoongi’s torso, pulling him closer, and it’s too much. It’s too much, but it’s not fucking enough, and Yoongi’s drowning. He can’t fucking breathe.
A gasp finds its way out of Yoongi’s throat, but the second he has air in his lungs again, his lips are back on Seokjin’s. Hard. Desperate. Yoongi’s back arches without him realizing, his hips shifting on top of Seokjin’s, and there’s that fucking sound again- that whimper spilling from Seokjin’s lips. Yoongi grunts, trying- really fucking trying to stop his hips from moving, to not assume, to not jump into anything, but he can’t. His whole body is squirming, uncontrolled, and Seokjin’s hands are dragging down his back to his hips and not stopping him. But it’s too fast. It’s too much. And if they keep going like that, Yoongi is going to get hard, and then it’ll definitely be too much, so Yoongi forcibly stops moving and pulls away from Seokjin’s lips, burying his face in Seokjin’s neck and panting.
“Fuck,” Yoongi exclaims quietly, listening to Seokjin pant too. “Fuck.”
“Yeah,” Seokjin breathes, his hands staying on Yoongi’s hips, tight.
There’s nothing but harsh breathing for a few minutes, both of them winding down, and then Yoongi pulls back from Seokjin’s neck and looks at Seokjin. It feels like the first time Yoongi has seen him since they started kissing, and what he sees is his best friend, hair messy, lips shining, eyes hooded, more beautiful than ever, and the desire to kiss him just grows inside Yoongi.
“What are we doing?” Yoongi whispers, the question meant for both of them.
They look at each other in the darkness, Seokjin’s fingers flexing on Yoongi’s hips but not moving away, and Seokjin doesn’t answer Yoongi’s question for what feels like a very long time.
“Following an instinct?” Seokjin offers eventually.
Yoongi watches Seokjin’s lips move and finds himself nodding.
“Yeah,” Yoongi breathes. “Yeah.”
He leans down again, eyes staying open, lips just barely touching Seokjin’s, breathing him. Seokjin squirms underneath him, and it drives Yoongi crazy.
“Instinct,” Yoongi whispers and kisses Seokjin again.
It’s a bit slower now, a bit deeper and less hurried. Their mouths open against each other, tongues slide together, wet. When Seokjin squirms again, and his hips grind up against Yoongi’s, Yoongi hums, his hips squirming right back down onto Seokjin’s. It might still be too fast though. Instinct or not. Because instinct is telling Yoongi to take Seokjin’s clothes off and suck his cock, but it might be too much. It would be too much. But Seokjin grinds up against him again, so maybe instinct is not that bad.
Seokjin separates his lips from Yoongi’s and nudges his nose against Yoongi’s cheek, making Yoongi turn his head and allowing Seokjin to kiss Yoongi’s neck.
“Fuck,” Yoongi exclaims quietly, Seokjin’s tongue darting out, dragging up to Yoongi’s jaw.
At this, Yoongi’s hips push hard onto Seokjin’s, and he could be imagining it, but he thinks Seokjin might be getting hard. Seokjin might be, but Yoongi definitely is. So, he buries his face in Seokjin’s neck again, trying to calm down, but Seokjin just keeps kissing Yoongi’s neck, and Yoongi will never calm down that way.
“Wait,” Yoongi whispers and immediately feels Seokjin freeze. “No, no,” Yoongi hurries to calm Seokjin down. “I don’t wanna stop,” he says and watches Seokjin visibly relax. “That’s… kinda my… problem.”
“Huh?” Seokjin asks, his voice high and breathy.
“This isn’t-“ Yoongi tries, gulping. “Is this too much? Are we… are we doing too much? Moving too fast? Do you wanna stop? Think about it? Sleep on it?”
There’s a pause. Hesitation hangs in the air.
“Do you wanna sleep on it?” Seokjin asks back.
“Uh…” he supposes it’s only fair for Seokjin to return the question. “I…” Yoongi decides to go with simple honesty. “I’m kind of afraid that if I go to sleep now, I’ll wake up tomorrow, and none of this will be real anymore.”
“Feels like a dream, doesn’t it?” Seokjin whispers, eyebrows furrowed.
“Yeah,” Yoongi breathes.
There’s another pause.
“Dream about us often?” Seokjin asks, and Yoongi can tell it’s meant to break the tension, but it falls a little flat.
“Dick,” Yoongi exclaims and snorts anyway, making Seokjin smile weakly. And that feels right, Seokjin smiling. “No, I don’t,” Yoongi answers softly. “Haven’t dreamt about it in years.”
“You used to dream about us?” Seokjin asks, sounding surprised.
“Well, not dream,” Yoongi blushes. “Daydream,” he corrects. “Fantasize,” he blushes harder. “Not for a long, long time though.”
“Me too,” Seokjin whispers. “Used to… but not for a long time now.”
“Really?” Yoongi asks, hearing the surprise in his own voice.
“’Course,” Seokjin shrugs one shoulder, trying to be dismissive, but that falls flat too. “In the beginning, you know? When we just met. When you were still kinda… cold to me,” Yoongi doesn’t have time to apologize before Seokjin speaks again. “I wanted to- to break you,” Seokjin’s eyebrows furrow. “Break your composure. Get that… constant sullen expression off your face. Get you to look at me… differently- just differently than you used to. Respect me for something. And since I couldn’t do it by impressing you with my singing or dancing, I imagined doing it- you know,” he pauses the sudden stream of words, looking aside, blushing.
“In other ways?” Yoongi offers.
Seokjin closes his eyes, blushing harder, “In other ways, yeah.”
Silence. Yoongi trying to take that information in and finding that his head is fucking blank, but he flashes back to a second ago when they were kissing and realizes that at least his heart is full. But then he thinks about what led them here, about Seokjin confessing how much he hates being looked at exactly the way that Yoongi used to look at him then, and his full heart grows just a bit fuller with guilt.
“I…” Yoongi closes his eyes, eyebrows furrowing. “God, I was an asshole to you.”
“You weren’t an asshole,” Seokjin says, one of his hands leaving Yoongi’s hip and gently cupping Yoongi’s cheek. “You just didn’t like me.”
“No, I was,” Yoongi argues, frowning. “I used to look at you exactly like those fucking hookups,” Yoongi shakes his head, refusing to open his eyes. “I didn’t respect you. I didn’t take you seriously. I didn’t.”
“Hey,” Seokjin whispers, and Yoongi finally opens his eyes. “You don’t look at me that way anymore-“
“Never,” Yoongi interjects.
“-we’ve established that,” Seokjin continues. “It’s not like I’m mad,” he smiles. “And besides, my fantasies didn’t exactly come with the purest intentions either. I respected you, I did,” Seokjin nods. “But I saw you as one dimensional the same way that you saw me as one dimensional,” Seokjin rubs his thumb over Yoongi’s cheekbone. “I looked at you like a challenge, a puzzle to solve, a wall to break. I wanted respect from you, but I didn’t try getting it by becoming your friend,” his eyebrows furrow. “You weren’t the only reason we weren’t friends right away. You were intimidating to me, and you didn’t look interested, and there were other people around who were easier to get along with, so I didn’t really try to be your friend. All I wanted back then was to find out enough about you to get you to respect me, because somehow getting your approval became indispensable to my approval of myself, because you were the only one who barely gave me a chance-“
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi whispers, cutting Seokjin off again.
“Stop apologizing,” Seokjin begs, eyebrows furrowed deeply, tightening his grip on Yoongi’s cheek. “I’m trying to say that we were both assholes, and neither of us really gave the other a chance, and that there’s a reason that this is happening now and not then.”
“What’s the reason?” Yoongi asks.
“We’re different people now,” Seokjin says quietly, his eyebrows still just as furrowed. “The two of us from back then would have never worked in any capacity. It took us months to just become friends. Anything more would have been toxic and stupid, and I think we were both smart enough to know that it was a bad idea.”
“I used to imagine having angry sex with you,” Yoongi confesses, and Seokjin doesn’t look hurt.
“I used to imagine bursting into the recording studio, pulling you away from the computer chair, sitting in your place, pushing you down on your knees, and fucking your throat,” Seokjin says in one breath, and Yoongi gasps- from the bluntness, from the image, Yoongi isn’t sure, but he doesn’t feel hurt either.
They would have been bad for each other then. But what about now?
“But we’re different people now,” Seokjin repeats, like an answer, brushing his thumb over Yoongi’s cheekbone, the crease between Seokjin’s eyebrows finally smoothing out. “You don’t treat me like those hookups, not now. And you didn’t really treat me that way then either. You may have thought about sleeping with me, but you never acted on it, you never treated me like a sexual object, you were better than that- better than them, even then, even when you didn’t like me,” he takes a deep breath. “And I don’t wanna break you anymore. Not at all. I know you now. I trust you. And I really think you trust me too. And all I want is for you to feel good,” he pauses, gulps, “wanna make you feel good.”
Yoongi kisses him. Braces both forearms by the sides of Seokjin’s face and kisses him with more passion than he thinks he’s ever kissed anyone. A sound of surprise leaves Seokjin, and it takes him a second, but when he kisses Yoongi back, it’s with the exact same kind of passion.
When Seokjin’s hips push up this time, Yoongi rolls his down too. And now that he’s not afraid of it, he feels himself getting hard right away. But he just keeps going, kissing Seokjin, rolling his hips, trying to get Seokjin hard with him, wanting to feel him.
It’s easy. All of it feels so easy. Their tongues sliding together, Seokjin’s lips on Yoongi’s, Seokjin’s fingers in Yoongi’s hair, the little quiet moan that Seokjin lets out when Yoongi starts kissing his neck is the best sound Yoongi’s ever heard. All of it. It’s so right.
Yoongi moves to straddle both of Seokjin’s hips, aligning them better, and the next time he grinds down, he can distinctly feel Seokjin’s hard cock pressing against his, and it’s Yoongi’s turn to moan.
“Have to be quiet,” Seokjin whispers, and suddenly his fingers are leaving Yoongi’s hair and gripping Yoongi’s hips, thumbs slipping underneath Yoongi’s shirt.
“I know,” Yoongi breathes into Seokjin’s neck. He has to remember that the other members are in the house, probably in bed too by now, possibly sleeping, but possibly not. The two of them still have to be quiet.
“This okay?” Seokjin asks, and Yoongi’s hips squirm when Seokjin tugs on the waistband of Yoongi’s boxers.
“Yes,” Yoongi licks up Seokjin’s neck.
Seokjin exhales sharply, but that doesn’t stop him from pushing Yoongi’s boxers down past Yoongi’s hips.
Yoongi hisses when the cold air hits his hard cock, but before he can even think about it, Seokjin’s hand is wrapping around his shaft, warm and tight.
“Fuck,” Yoongi exclaims, his back arching, cock shifting in Seokjin’s grip.
“Yeah,” Seokjin breathes, and Yoongi brings his own hand down too, shoving at Seokjin’s boxers until Seokjin lifts his hips and lets Yoongi push them down a little.
Yoongi takes a glance at Seokjin’s cock before doing anything, and it’s… fucking pretty. Shit. It’s a fucking gorgeous cock. And when Yoongi’s hand wraps around it, it feels fucking perfect – just long enough, just thick enough. Of course Seokjin’s cock is as perfect as the rest of him.
“Fuck,” Yoongi breathes.
Seokjin lets out a breathy laugh, “You’re swearing a lot.”
“This is worth swearing over,” Yoongi smiles, stroking up the length of Seokjin’s shaft.
Seokjin exhales hard, but that doesn’t stop him from smiling. So Yoongi strokes him harder, twisting his fist at the tip.
“Fuck,” Seokjin exclaims, eyebrows furrowing, still smiling.
“See?” Yoongi smiles wider.
Seokjin laughs, and something in Yoongi’s chest bursts. He presses his nose to Seokjin’s and laughs with him, elation filling every vein in his body. Then Seokjin leans up to kiss Yoongi, and while the smiles do die down, the elation stays, just as strong. Even when Seokjin tightens his grip on Yoongi’s cock, and Yoongi’s mind clouds with pleasure, he still feels just as happy.
His hips grind down into Seokjin’s fist, dry, the friction almost painful, and Seokjin thrusts up into Yoongi’s own fist, sharply sucking in air between his teeth. So, Yoongi decides to pull his hand off Seokjin for just a moment, hearing Seokjin’s whimper, feeling him squirm, needy. But when Yoongi brings his hand, palm out, to Seokjin’s lips, understanding flashes over Seokjin’s eyes, and he lets his tongue fall out to wetly lick Yoongi’s palm.
The slide is just a little bit slicker the next time Yoongi wraps his fingers around Seokjin’s shaft. And, moaning, Seokjin quickly lets go of Yoongi’s cock, brings his own hand to his lips, licks his palm too and returns it right back to Yoongi, stroking him a bit faster.
They seem to both get lost in the feeling, Yoongi bringing their mouths back together as they jerk each other off, moving slowly, feeling a little unfocused. So Seokjin takes the lead, for just a moment, his tongue slipping into Yoongi’s mouth, licking into it, fucking his cock slowly in and out of Yoongi’s fist.
But Yoongi is not actually unfocused, he’s just not focused on the kiss. He presses his hips closer to Seokjin’s, letting go of Seokjin’s cock for a moment, savoring the desperate little whimper that Seokjin lets out, pushing Seokjin’s hand off himself as well, and bringing both of their cocks flush together.
Seokjin whimpers again, biting down on his lower lip, hips pushing up, shaft sliding against Yoongi’s. Still not wet enough, still too much friction, but still so fucking good. Seokjin’s arms wrap around Yoongi’s neck, and then they’re kissing again, and Yoongi does nothing but kiss back and keep his hand still on their cocks, letting Seokjin fuck into it as fast and hard as he wants.
“Fuck, you feel good,” Yoongi whispers against Seokjin’s mouth.
“You too,” Seokjin replies, biting down on Yoongi’s lower lip and gently pulling it.
Yoongi shudders. He doesn’t fucking know why, but goosebumps break out over his whole body, his cock throbbing as Seokjin bites down just a little harder. Then, Seokjin’s hands are moving down Yoongi’s back, over his shirt, all the way to his waist, holding the hem of Yoongi’s shirt and tugging on it.
Seokjin pulls away from Yoongi’s lips, “Take it off.”
Yoongi nods, letting go of their cocks and lifting his arms so that Seokjin can take off his shirt, and the second it’s off, Yoongi’s pulling on Seokjin’s shirt as well, slightly desperate, wanting to fucking feel more of him. He goes right for Seokjin’s neck once Seokjin’s shirt is on the floor, kissing his way down to Seokjin’s collarbones and chest. Seokjin gasps, and Yoongi wishes they could be alone right now so that he could hear everything Seokjin can give him, every fucking noise Seokjin can make.
“God,” Seokjin breathes when Yoongi runs his tongue over his nipple. “Fuck, come back up here.”
So Yoongi listens, coming back up, bracing his arms by Seokjin’s head and letting Seokjin pull him into another kiss. He grinds his hips down, pressing his cock right on top of Seokjin’s, and fuck, it’s just… overwhelmingly good to feel Seokjin hard against him like that. Entirely overwhelming.
Seokjin’s hands run down Yoongi’s back again but this time, he goes beyond Yoongi’s hips, grabbing two handfuls of Yoongi’s ass, and now it’s Yoongi who moans. Because Seokjin is not fucking gentle about it, and it makes Yoongi think about how much Seokjin grew in confidence over the years, how confident he seems to be all the fucking time, even though Yoongi knows that’s not true. But here it is again, that confidence, showing itself in this crazy situation too.
Suddenly, Yoongi’s so glad they’re doing this now and not at any other point. He’s so fucking glad that he can give Seokjin the respect and attention that he deserves, enough for Seokjin to feel as free and confident as he needs to act like this. Just like this – in bed, in control. The way he bites on Yoongi’s bottom lip again, and the way his hands move to spread Yoongi’s ass cheeks apart, reaching between them. It’s kind of driving Yoongi a little crazy.
But then Seokjin’s hands back up – away from where Yoongi was sure they were going, and Seokjin pulls away from the kiss, and all it takes is one look for Yoongi to know that Seokjin’s confidence is dwindling.
“You okay?” Yoongi asks, trying to steady both his breathing and his hips, which are still fucking grinding down onto Seokjin’s cock.
“Yeah,” Seokjin dismisses. “I just, I… kinda assumed that you…”
“That I…?” Yoongi prompts.
Seokjin’s mouth opens and closes and then- “Are you a top or a bottom?”
Yoongi blinks at him a few times, then starts snickering, leaning his forehead against Seokjin’s shoulder.
“What?” Seokjin snaps, but Yoongi can hear the smile in his voice.
“You fucking scared me,” Yoongi lifts himself and looks at Seokjin.
Seokjin’s mouth opens and closes a few times, and Yoongi is so fucking amused by it, he just lets him gape like that.
“Well, we never exactly had this conversation before,” Seokjin finally gets out.
Yoongi’s shoulders shake with laughter.
“True,” Yoongi says then pecks Seokjin’s lips. “Though that was a very… top move of you.”
Seokjin grimaces, “I know.”
Yoongi smiles and stops himself from saying what he wants to say, then thinks fuck it, why the fuck not say it.
“That mean you wanna fuck me?” he smirks when Seokjin blushes. And maybe Seokjin didn’t even intend for them to go that far at all, but Yoongi wants it, and there’s no taking the question back.
“God,” Seokjin exclaims. “You can’t just fucking say that.”
“Why not?” Yoongi pointedly grinds his hard cock over Seokjin’s. “Don’t you want to?”
“Do you want me to?” Seokjin asks, as if Yoongi didn’t give him enough clues to know that he’ll very happily bottom.
Yoongi smiles softly, kissing Seokjin again, somehow endeared by how careful Seokjin is being. When he moves his lips away from Seokjin’s and brings them to Seokjin’s ear, he thinks fuck it one more time.
“Fuck me,” Yoongi whispers, a lot less teasing and more desperate than he intended.
He’s not really sure what he expects to happen, but Seokjin’s almost silent exclamation of “fuck” and the way his grip tightens on Yoongi’s ass feel incredibly satisfying.
“Fuck me,” Yoongi repeats and gasps, not even sure why. All he knows is that it sounds even more desperate this time.
“Lube,” Seokjin gasps too. “Condom.”
Yoongi reluctantly pulls back, trying to shake himself off as Seokjin reaches for his bedside table. With the sound of Seokjin rummaging in his drawer in the background, Yoongi slides away from Seokjin for a second, kicking his underwear off, and by the time he’s done, Seokjin is lying back down again. Yoongi almost straddles Seokjin but stops himself long enough to pull Seokjin’s underwear off too, throwing them somewhere next to the bed. Only then does he straddle Seokjin again.
“You wanna do it like- like this?” Seokjin grabs Yoongi’s arms and pulls him closer. “On top of me?”
Yoongi nods, swallowing against the sudden lump in his throat.
“Come here,” Seokjin breathes. “Wanna kiss you.”
So Yoongi kisses him, feeling himself starting to freak out just a little, the gravity of the situation hitting him, the consequences. He tries to ignore it, focusing on the way Seokjin holds him. Like he cares, like he wants, like this is okay and good and right. It sure as shit feels right. Maybe that’s the scariest part.
There’s nothing about the way that Seokjin’s hands feel on him that feels wrong. Nothing about Seokjin letting go of him to open the lube that feels out of place. Nothing. It all feels so fucking right. An entirely new side of Seokjin. And entirely new side of their friendship. New way of talking to each other and touching each other, and Yoongi fucking wants.
So, when Seokjin’s wet fingers reach for Yoongi’s hole, Yoongi only whimpers, pushing back against them. And maybe something about his face gives off the things he’s thinking about, because suddenly Seokjin is reaching up to cup Yoongi’s cheek, looking deep into Yoongi’s eyes, fingers of his other hand just touching his hole, not moving, so gentle, barely there.
It feels like Seokjin wants to say something, and Yoongi thinks he should maybe say something too. But neither of them says anything, and that’s okay. At the end of the day, they’re probably thinking the same things.
When Seokjin slides his finger into Yoongi, Yoongi feels himself frown, but he keeps his eyes open, holding Seokjin’s gaze. Seokjin can’t reach all that deep into Yoongi at this angle, but that’s okay too. Yoongi just grinds back onto him instead.
It hurts. A little. And Yoongi’s surprised. It’s not like he’s never done this before. It just feels like he has very little control over his body right now, squeezing around Seokjin’s finger really fucking tight. Too tight. Yoongi just fucking wants to speed over this part, wants to have Seokjin inside him already, before either of them thinks too hard and chickens out. But he can’t unclench.
“Are you sure you want this?” Seokjin whispers.
Yoongi inhales shakily, “Yeah.”
“Are you?” Yoongi asks. “Haven’t changed your mind?”
Seokjin shakes his head, “I haven’t.”
“Are you scared?” Yoongi whispers, chills running down his back.
There’s a pause, and for some reason Yoongi feels his body starting to relax around Seokjin’s finger.
“Yeah,” Seokjin breathes.
“Me too,” Yoongi confesses, and maybe he feels a little better now that he’s said it.
“But it’s-“ Seokjin starts and cuts himself off.
“It’s…” Yoongi prompts.
“It’s…” Seokjin repeats, frowning. “It feels like… like it’s… worth it. Right?”
“Yeah,” Yoongi’s heart clenches, and he nods frantically. “Fuck. Yeah,” Yoongi gasps. “Yeah, it does.”
“Then let’s…” Seokjin tries but then doesn’t say anything.
“Yeah,” Yoongi breathes. Seokjin doesn’t need to say anything. “Let’s.”
He presses his lips to Seokjin’s, clenching around Seokjin’s finger on purpose this time.
“Give me another finger,” he whispers, lips moving against Seokjin’s as he speaks.
Seokjin nods, second finger immediately at Yoongi’s rim, teasing for a moment before pushing in.
It hurts more this time, but Yoongi’s okay with it, despite the fact that he still doesn’t feel fully in control, despite the fact that his body is still tightening around Seokjin’s fingers without his permission. But it’s okay. It is. Not being in control is… it’s okay if he’s with Seokjin.
He relaxes a lot faster around this finger though, and it makes him feel a little more like himself. When he grinds back onto Seokjin’s fingers, Seokjin’s eyes gloss over a bit, and Yoongi prides himself on getting that reaction. They’re scared, yeah, so it needs to be worth it.
“Third finger?” Seokjin asks, probably sensing how relaxed Yoongi’s body has become.
Yoongi shakes his head, “Just fuck me.”
“You sure?” Seokjin asks.
“Yeah,” Yoongi kisses Seokjin’s lips, clenching around Seokjin’s fingers as Seokjin pulls them out.
The physical emptiness he feels is nothing new, but at the same time, the need that accompanies that emptiness is stronger right now than it’s ever been with anyone. Yoongi wants Seokjin. He does. So much. Even the short time that it takes Seokjin to open the condom packet and roll the condom on feels like too long, and watching the way Seokjin covers his cock in lube makes Yoongi whimper.
Seokjin looks up at Yoongi once that sound comes out of him, still spreading lube over his cock, and Yoongi finds that he has to look up too. Once Yoongi’s eyes meet Seokjin’s, Yoongi finds so much emotion in them that it’s hard for Yoongi to dissect it, to figure out exactly what Seokjin is feeling. But he does see desire and love – those two emotions he can recognize in this moment, and that’s enough. It’s more than enough.
It’s Yoongi who reaches for Seokjin’s cock once Seokjin lets it go, straightening up with one hand braced on Seokjin’s chest and placing the tip of Seokjin’s cock right at his hole. Not pushing in, just… teasing, letting the tip catch on his rim. The way that Seokjin moans at that is worth the teasing though, it really is, and Yoongi would keep teasing Seokjin much longer if he wasn’t this desperate himself. So, he lets Seokjin’s tip breach him, gasping, clenching, then letting Seokjin’s shaft go, placing his other palm on Seokjin’s chest too and sinking down slowly, all the way.
Seokjin’s biting on his lower lip so hard Yoongi’s afraid he might tear the skin, but he can’t really do anything to stop Seokjin, not when his body feels like it’s burning. Yoongi closes his eyes and breathes, lets himself adjust to the feeling of Seokjin’s cock filling him, and keeps his eyes closed even when Seokjin’s hands run up his chest, ignoring the little pang of insecurity that seeps into his skin at the thought of perfect Seokjin looking at his body like this.
“God, Yoongi,” Seokjin moans, so Yoongi opens his eyes.
“What?” Yoongi whispers.
“Nothing, just,” Seokjin shakes his head, dragging his palms to Yoongi’s chest. “You’re just… really um-“ he gulps, “You’re really fucking stunning.”
Yoongi gulps, entertains the possibility that Seokjin is lying, that he’s just saying it because he knows how much it would mean for Yoongi to hear it. But Seokjin is not lying, Yoongi knows. He holds eye contact perfectly, and his hands keep going – touching Yoongi, exploring him, and Yoongi feels ridiculous for wishing that the lights could be on right now so that Seokjin could see him even better.
Instead of dwelling on that and instead of replying to what Seokjin said, Yoongi starts riding Seokjin’s cock. The moans, he holds back as best as he can, but even then, some slip out. Choked, frustrated, pained. Seokjin wraps his fingers around Yoongi’s shaft, and Yoongi clenches on Seokjin again, causing more pain but being distracted by so much pleasure.
Seokjin’s other hand stops touching Yoongi’s chest and moves to Yoongi’s neck, tugging him down. Yoongi places his forearms by Seokjin’s head and moves his hips up and down a few times before deciding on changing pace and just grinding. Grinding makes it easier to lean down, kiss and keep quiet.
Seokjin lets go of Yoongi’s shaft in favor of threading his fingers into Yoongi’s hair. Then suddenly Seokjin’s cock brushes over Yoongi’s prostate, and Yoongi jerks, yelps then moans a bit too loudly.
“Feels good?” Seokjin asks, and Yoongi nods frantically, continuing to grind his hips in the same way, his body jerking a bit every time his prostate is touched, holding back the moans even harder.
But when Seokjin’s legs shift under Yoongi, bending them up, spreading Yoongi’s thighs apart and thrusting, Yoongi can’t hold the moan back. He tries to muffle the moans by burying his face in Seokjin’s neck, but Seokjin is fucking up into his prostate, and there’s no chance Yoongi could stop them now.
“You should be keeping me fucking quiet,” Yoongi complains then moans at a particularly sharp thrust from Seokjin.
“I don’t fucking want you quiet,” Seokjin whispers.
Yoongi grunts, “Fucking do it anyway. They’ll hear me.”
“Shit,” Seokjin swears, slowing down his thrusts. “Come up here.”
Yoongi lifts himself off Seokjin’s neck, expecting Seokjin to kiss him, but instead of kissing Yoongi, Seokjin brings his fingers up to Yoongi’s mouth, three of them resting on Yoongi’s bottom lip. And somehow, that’s even hotter than kissing right now.
The second Yoongi has his lips around Seokjin’s fingers, Seokjin thrusts up into him, and yes, Yoongi moans, but this time, it really is muffled. He sucks on Seokjin’s fingers hard, makes it sloppy and wet, moving his lips up and down, holding eye contact with Seokjin and thinking about Seokjin’s cock being between his lips instead of Seokjin’s fingers. And despite the fact that Seokjin keeps the pace of his thrusting just as fast and just as hard, Yoongi can see in Seokjin’s eyes that Seokjin is thinking about Yoongi sucking his cock too. And Yoongi will do it. He fucking will. Another time.
For now though, Seokjin pulls Yoongi out of his thoughts by grunting, frustration evident in Seokjin’s furrowed eyebrows. And that frustration is suddenly the strongest emotion that Yoongi sees in Seokjin’s eyes, something like anger mixed in there too, almost animalistic. Seokjin’s hips snap up with more force, and Yoongi ends up almost choking on Seokjin’s fingers as a result.
Seokjin’s hand moves away from Yoongi’s hair and grips Yoongi’s hip, thrusting up even harder, more and more frustration showing itself in his eyes, and Yoongi, in response, takes his mouth off Seokjin’s fingers and-
“You wanna fuck me harder, yeah?” Yoongi asks.
Seokjin doesn’t answer, he only grunts.
“Fuck me harder then,” Yoongi asserts. “Do whatever the fuck you want, I’ll take it. I want it.”
Seokjin grunts at that one more time, and before Yoongi knows what’s going on, Seokjin’s arms are around Yoongi, and Yoongi is being flipped over, head hitting the edge of the pillow, his thighs being grabbed and spread, Seokjin’s cock still inside but now pushing in even deeper, and if Yoongi couldn’t hold his moans back then, he’ll never be able to hold them back now. Not now that there’s so much force behind Seokjin’s thrusts.
“Fuck,” Yoongi exclaims. “Yes.”
“Yes?” Seokjin asks, hips snapping forward hard.
“Fuck,” Yoongi nods, covering his mouth with his own hand.
Seokjin pushes Yoongi’s hand away though, letting go of Yoongi’s thighs and leaning down to kiss him, barricading Yoongi with his arms. Yoongi’s legs wrap around Seokjin’s waist and press down onto him, encouraging, his arms wrapping around Seokjin too, fingers digging into Seokjin’s shoulders hard, trying to fucking hold on.
“So gorgeous, fuck,” Seokjin exclaims, and the second he lets go of Yoongi’s lips, Yoongi moans, so that’s all Seokjin says before he’s kissing Yoongi again.
A switch of an angle, and Seokjin is hitting Yoongi’s prostate, and that’s fucking it.
Yoongi whimpers, pulling back from the kiss, his eyes losing focus.
“Hyung?” Yoongi whispers, his weak hand reaching between their bodies to wrap around his cock.
Seokjin looks at him, “Close?”
“Hyung,” Yoongi whimpers, nodding frantically. His fingers are loose around his shaft, but it’s enough anyway. He’s so close.
“Fuck,” Seokjin whispers and kisses Yoongi.
But Yoongi can’t kiss back. His mouth is slack, finally gone quiet, gasping. Gasping and gasping and gasping, short and sharp and quick. He can’t see anymore, everything gone blurry, and he’s digging his fingers into Seokjin’s shoulders as hard as he can because he feels himself slipping, like his consciousness is fucking leaving him, and then he’s coming, he’s coming, and he’s moaning so loud, but Seokjin's palm covers his lips and muffles it, and Yoongi is fucking grateful.
Somewhere in his mind, he’s aware that Seokjin has stopped moving and that Seokjin is watching him, but Yoongi doesn’t open his eyes, couldn’t if he wanted to. His body is thrumming, blood rushing in his ears, rhythmically clenching around Seokjin’s shaft, but at least he’s quiet again. Panting, but quiet.
The first thing he realizes when he comes back to himself is that Seokjin is still hard inside him, that Seokjin didn’t come.
“You didn’t…” Yoongi whispers.
“I’m sorry, I- I couldn’t concentrate on…” Seokjin gulps, his hips shifting ever so slightly inside Yoongi, and Yoongi whimpers at the oversensitivity. “I couldn’t think when-“ he cups Yoongi’s cheek gently, -“when you looked like that.”
“Hyung,” Yoongi chokes out.
“Yeah?” Seokjin whispers.
“Come… for me,” Yoongi exhales, clears his throat. “Please.”
Seokjin nods and begins pulling out of Yoongi.
“No,” Yoongi tightens his legs around Seokjin. “In- inside,” Yoongi gulps. “Inside me.”
Yoongi grinds his hips on Seokjin’s cock and whimpers. It almost looks like Seokjin is going to argue, but he doesn’t. Instead, he drags his cock slowly in and out of Yoongi, and Yoongi worries that this is too slow for Seokjin, that Seokjin won’t be able to come like this, and Yoongi really doesn’t think he can take it any harder right now, but then Seokjin gasps shakily, and Yoongi decides to make it as good as he fucking can.
“Please,” Yoongi whispers, clenching around Seokjin as best as he can. “Hyung.”
Seokjin whimpers, pressing his forehead to Yoongi’s, looking into Yoongi’s eyes.
“Fuck,” Yoongi runs his fingers through Seokjin’s hair. “Please.”
Seokjin nods, his eyes squeezing shut, his body shaking in Yoongi’s hands.
“Hyung, I wanna-“ Yoongi gulps, “wanna feel you come inside me.”
“Coming,” Seokjin whispers, his hips snapping forward once, making Yoongi whimper. But Yoongi doesn’t care, watching from up close how Seokjin clenches his jaw and furrows his eyebrows, hissing as his cock throbs inside of Yoongi.
It feels like such a long time, watching Seokjin come like that, and Yoongi savors every moment, glad he could be at least somewhat lucid when seeing this. Seokjin’s eyes flutter open eventually, and the first thing he does is kiss Yoongi. Yoongi accepts it happily, having to hold back his smile in favor of kissing Seokjin back.
The kiss doesn’t actually last long, what with Seokjin still coming down, still breathing hard. Yoongi uses that time to brush his fingers through Seokjin’s hair. He kisses Seokjin’s cheek too, then blushes at himself, feeling a little silly. But the cheek kiss makes Seokjin smile, so it was worth it.
When Seokjin kisses Yoongi the second time, he starts pulling his cock out of Yoongi too. Yoongi whimpers, oversensitive as fuck, but focuses on Seokjin’s lips as much as he can. And when Seokjin finally pulls out all the way, he straight up collapses onto Yoongi’s chest. Yoongi grunts, then lets out a breathy little laugh. Seokjin laughs too, his body shaking on top of Yoongi’s.
“Stop laughing,” Yoongi laughs, pushing Seokjin up. “You’re just smearing my come everywhere.”
It makes Seokjin laugh harder, but he does lift himself off Yoongi. Which Yoongi didn’t actually expect him to do and is now annoyed by it.
“No, come back,” that may or may not have come out a little more whiny than intended.
Seokjin just keeps laughing, leaning over the side of the bed and coming back up with Yoongi’s shirt, which he then uses to wipe his and Yoongi’s stomachs. Yoongi makes a face but figures this is better than nothing, then proceeds to watch Seokjin pull the condom off himself, tie it and toss it into their little trashcan. Then, Seokjin collapses right back onto Yoongi’s chest.
“Anything else to complain about?” Seokjin asks, his nose touching Yoongi’s.
“Nope,” Yoongi kisses him.
They kiss softly like that for a moment, just lips, no tongue. Slow and lazy and perfect. When they pull away, they look into each other’s eyes again.
“No regrets, right?” Seokjin asks.
Yoongi shakes his head, “You?”
Seokjin shakes his head too.
“It was fucking good,” Yoongi says, smiling.
“Literally the best sex I’ve had in…” Seokjin trails off.
“Forever,” Yoongi agrees.
“Forever,” Seokjin repeats, nodding.
Seokjin brushes his thumb over Yoongi’s cheek softly.
“Please tell me you cuddle,” he says.
Yoongi doesn’t answer, simply pulls Seokjin fully down onto himself and turns them both onto their sides, reaching for the blanket at the side of the bed, throwing it over the both of them, then scooting closer to Seokjin’s chest and letting Seokjin wrap his arms around him.
“Do you wanna put some clothes on?” Seokjin asks.
“Too fucking tired,” Yoongi answers.
“Good,” Seokjin yawns. “I don’t want you to put clothes on.”
“I need to have proof in the morning that this actually happened,” Seokjin says.
Yoongi looks into his eyes, “It happened.”
Seokjin’s smile softens, “Yeah, it did.”
“It’s gonna happen again,” Yoongi says with so much fucking confidence.
“It is,” Seokjin nods. “And again.”
“And again,” Yoongi repeats.
Seokjin smiles wide, pulling Yoongi into a tight hug, Yoongi’s arms wrapping around him too.