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If I Can't Have You

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Katsuki was frantic, but had nowhere to put his energy. He’d driven home, sat anxiously in the car for a while, started driving back to Izuku’s apartment, then cussed himself out and drove back to his condoe. Slamming the car door shut, he stalked up to the door and rushed inside, pacing around his living room in the dark with his hands in his hair.

“What the fuck do I do?” he said under his breath. “What the fuck do I do?” it grew to a yell, and he kicked his stupid, expensive, white couch hard enough that it hurt.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he hissed under his breath, grabbing his foot and hopping around for a bit. His nerves calmed a bit thanks to that, and he started to think clearly about the whole thing.

So, Izuku hated him. But he expected that; he would have to have been an idiot to expect anything else (although maybe he was just that stupid.) Regardless, he couldn’t change that, but he still had time to save Izuku, right? There had to be something he could do.

Biting his lip, he headed upstairs and sat down at his desk to get on his computer. After going through the ten-step, hyper-secretive log-in process like it was second nature, he checked his work inbox.

“Oh no,” he breathed softly. There was a message titled “Mission Terminated.” He’d never gotten that one before.

Steeling himself, he clicked it open and read it faster than he’d ever read before.

Notice of Mission Termination.

Your mission #400569103, target: Izuku Midoriya, has been terminated.

Reason for termination: mission transferred to different employee.

Please cease all attempts on target and await a new mission.

“Already?” Katsuki asked aloud, his heart beating so fast he could hear it. The mission was supposed to end tomorrow, not today. There must have been a mistake. It shouldn’t be transferred yet. When did it–

A new message appeared in his inbox.

He clicked on it without even reading the subject; it was from his boss.

I went ahead and transferred the mission, since I can tell you’re not going to do it. I’ll let it pass for now since you’ve never had a problem before, but if this ever happens again, we’ll need to have a chat. Young recruits like you have a poor tendency to go soft.

Fuck that.

Katsuki was done.

Speeding down the highway, Katsuki listened to his phone ringing over the bluetooth in his car. After three rings, she picked up.

“Katsuki?” Midnight’s voice came through the speakers, a tad tired, but mostly suspicious.

“Who. I know you know. Tell me who it was transferred to,” he said staring at the road ahead with the rage of a thousand suns.

Midnight paused, then chuckled awkwardly.

“What are you talking about? Wasn’t it gonna get transfered tomorrow if you didn’t finish?”

“Cut the bullshit Midnight, I can tell when you’re lying,” Katsuki snapped.

A sigh.

“Look I… fine. Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid?” she asked.

“Oh, we’re way past stupid. Well into badshit crazy territory by now. But if you tell me who, it’ll make things a heck of alot easier for me. You know, maybe I won’t end up in prison, or something,” Katsuki responded.

Midnight sighed again, far more defeated.

“There’s no stopping you, huh?” she asked.

“Damn right.”

“Well. It was nice knowing you, kid. It’s been assigned to a slasher. They should be there soon, actually, so you might wanna hurry it up.”

“Thank you,” Katsuki said, his voice returning to the clarity of sanity for just a moment. Midnight was silent for awhile, and Katsuki repeatedly considered hanging up, but then she spoke again.

“I hope he’s worth it. Bye, Katsuki.”

And with a click, she’d hung up.

Katsuki parked a block away, just in case, and walked through the brisk night air back to Izuku’s apartment. His breath was short, and all he could think about was the guilt if he got there too late – if Izuku was already dead.

When he reached for the doorknob, he found it completely busted.

He wasn’t the first one to sneak in tonight.

With renewed terror, he rushed into the apartment, running straight back to the bedroom. A scream resonated through the dark hallway as he went, and his mind went blank, he wasn’t even thinking anymore, just operating on instinct.

He flung open the door. Izuku was backed up into a corner, and a man with a knife stood over him, paused in his actions and half turned to see Katsuki.

Katsuki was on him in a second, pulling him back and away from Izuku, wrestling him to the ground, grappling for the knife and sending it skidding across the floor, out of his grasp.

“Stay! The fuck! Away from him!” he yelled, punching the man repeatedly. He paused, wondering if he’d knocked the guy out, but that gave him the upper hand and suddenly Katsuki was the one on the ground. They rolled about like that for a while, and eventually Katsuki’s superior strength won out. He stood over the man and kicked him the stomach, his back hitting the wall.

“I said get the fuck out of here!” he hissed. “And tell the boss that if he sends anyone else after this guy, I won’t spare them next time.”

The man nodded frantically, and stumbled up to his feet, running out of the apartment with a hand over his ribs and a limp in his right leg.

Panting, Katsuki wiped a hand across his lip where a bit of blood had spilled out.

“K-Kacchan?” Izuku whispered, and he turned around to see him standing in the corner, the knife in his hands, trembling with fear.

“Izuku,” Katsuki’s eyes got wide looking at the knife, and Izuku jumped with realization.

“Oh, no, I just… I picked it up, but then I didn’t know what to do with it and, um…” he trailed off, tears forming in his eyes.

“Did he hurt you?” Katsuki asked, inching closer with his hands outstretched.

“N-no,” Izuku shook his head. “You came just in time. If… if you hadn’t I…” his voice squeaked, and suddenly he dropped the knife and rushed into Katsuki’s arms holding him tight. “I called the police, but I didn’t want to tell them about you, so I just told them about the note and that I was scared someone was stalking me, so they said to come down to the station in the morning, but then I couldn’t fall asleep and then that guy came into my room and I thought… I thought I was dead, Kacchan. I thought it was over,” he sobbed into Katsuki’s chest.

“Shh, sh-sh-sh,” Katsuki cooed, petting his hair to calm him down. “It’s okay. You’re okay now.”

“Please… please stay,” Izuku choked out. “I… I know I said… before… but, Kacchan, I’m so scared. Please don’t leave me alone!”

“Of course I won’t,” Katsuki said, holding him closer and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m gonna make sure they never get you, okay?”

“Mm,” Izuku nodded, squeezing him close before finally pushing back and looking up at him. “When… when I go to the police station, pretend to be my boyfriend. I mean, pretend to have been dating me for longer than the hit’s been on me. We can say we think because Shigaraki saw me with someone else, he wanted to kill… one of us, we don’t know which. The guy with the knife came into our bedroom but you fought him off.”

Katsuki mulled it over for a moment, then nodded.

“Yeah. That… that might work,” he said, then bit his lip. “Why… why protect me though. I’d be easier if we… told the truth.”

“I… I know,” Izuku looked away, his cheeks growing warm. “But I… I don’t want to. It’s just that. I want to… I still want… I still like you. Even though you’ve… killed people, I – for some reason, you still don’t seem like a bad person. Not like… him.”

Katsuki nodded slowly.

“I know it’s selfish. You probably hate me now–” Izuku continued, but Katsuki cut him off.

Me hate you?” he questioned.

“Well, yeah. I yelled at you and told you to leave,” said Izuku, his voice squeaky with nervousness.

“No, Izuku. Fucking – You’re the one who’s suposed to hate me,” Katsuki shook his head, running his hands over Izuku’s cheeks.

“But I don’t,” Izuku shook his head, grabbing with front of Katsuki’s shirt in weak fists. “I like you too much.”

Katsuki couldn’t stop himself after that; he pulled Izuku into a kiss.

“Ah, shit, sorry,” he said, pulling back after a few seconds. “Was that, um, okay?” he asked, not quite sure where they stood anymore.

“Mm,” Iuzku nodded, his eyelids droopy. “I’m just tired. Can we… go to bed?”

“We?” Katsuki raised an eyebrow.

Izuku got red and looked down.

“I just… I don’t think I’m gonna be able to sleep if you aren’t here.”

“Ah, right,” Katsuki smiled bittersweetly. “Let’s go to bed, then.”

Izuku nodded, and the pair climbed awkwardly onto the mattress and under the sheets. Katsuki didn’t exactly know what Izuku wanted, so he just laid down on one side of the bed and waited, and soon enough Izuku scooted over to him and placed his head on Katsuki’s chest, one arm holding him and body pressed close.

“Please hold me,” Izuku whispered, and Katsuki instantly wrapped his arms around Izuku, squeezing his smaller frame close. Izuku sighed contentedly, and finally felt safe enough to close his eyes.

one year later

On days like these, when Katsuki had nothing to do but make dinner while waiting for Izuku to come home from work, he couldn’t help thinking about how lucky he was; he could hardly believe that it worked. After they went to the police with their carefully constructed story, they investigated Shigaraki and traced the payment back to the hitman organization. Not only was he in prison now, but when the police went to raid headquarters, they found that all information on the agents was already destroyed, so there was nothing linking Katsuki to them. He didn’t know anything else about the status of the organization, as no one, not even Midnight, had contacted him since, but he prayed that if not disbanded, they at least had no plans of going after him, as it would probably only cause the police to find them again.

And now he was living with Izuku, in a new apartment, where not a soul beside the two of them knows what he used to do. Still, the fact that it had all worked out wasn’t the part that amazed him the most. He still couldn’t quite wrap his head around the fact that Izuku, after all that, still wanted to be with him. For a while, at the beginning, he figured they would just pretend to be together so Katsuki wouldn’t have to reveal himself to the police, and that he was only sleeping in Izuku’s bed because he was too scared to sleep alone, and when it was over, when Izuku was safe again, he would leave, because obviously Izuku didn’t actually want to be with him. But, no. Izuku wanted to build a life with him.

On days like these, when Katsuki was alone in Izuku’s apartment (he still couldn’t quite call it his own) he felt himself get soft and small, lips quivering as he wondered how he could possibly deserve this.

But then the door opened, and Izuku called out happily, “I’m home!”

“Dinner’s just about ready!” Katsuki called back, turning off the burner so he could start to plate it up. He’d made Izuku’s favorite: Katsudon.

“Mmm! Smells so good! Did you make what I think you made?” Izuku asked, hugging him from behind.

“Mm-hm,” Katsuki nodded, spooning rice into a bowl as if there wasn’t a giant barnacle on his back.

“Ahh, thank you Kacchan! Just what I needed after today,” Izuku sighed, slumping against his back.

“Hard day at work?” Katsuki asked.

“Yeah. My boss made us finish the project early even though we were down a person… but enough about that! It’s time for dinner!” he said cheerily, giving Katsuki a kiss on the cheek before escaping back to the bedroom to put his briefcase away and change out of his up-tight office clothes.

Katsuki suddenly became aware of how tight his face was from smiling once Izuku left the room, and forced himself to relax it as he placed their bowls on the table.

Sure, it was hard to believe this was his life when Izuku was gone, but while he was here? Katsuki didn’t have a single complaint.

“Thanks for dinner babe,” Izuku said, coming out of the hall into the dinning room and giving Katsuki a kiss on the cheek before sitting in front of his meal.

“Of course,” Katsuki shrugged, taking his own seat. He still didn’t have an actual job, so he felt obligated to do all the cooking and housework, but it wasn’t like he wasn’t working on it, and he still had a comfortable pile of savings from his own work, but becoming an actual personal trainer required a lot more certifications than he’d realized. Still, he was pretty sure Izuku liked having a stay-at-home boyfriend, since he apparently lived on take-out and frozen meals before Katsuki started living with him.

“Ochako wants to know if you’re coming out with us next week,” Izuku said, drawing him back out of his thoughts.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Sure,” Katsuki shrugged.

“Ah, yay!” Izuku smiled. “I didn’t want to go without you, honestly.”

Katsuki chuckled at that, and their conversation continued on as pleasantly as it always did. Sure, Izuku still had nightmares sometimes, and Katsuki was always there to comfort him, but most of the time he seemed surprisingly resilient. Katsuki had asked him about it once, to which Izuku simply replied that, after all he’d been through, he had a right to be happy, so he wasn’t going to let his past ruin his everyday life. Sometimes Katsuki wondered if that was why Izuku still wanted to be with him; because he was a part of Izuku’s ‘happy ending’.

After dinner was done, Izuku turned on the television and wrapped himself in a blanket, waiting patiently to be joined by Katsuki once the dishes were washed.

“Anything interesting on?” Katsuki asked, sitting next to Izuku.

“Mm-mm,” Izuku shook his head, extending one arm so his blanket-cocoon was open for Katsuki to join.

Katsuki chuckled, pulling Izuku onto his lap.

“So it’s just an excuse to cuddle, huh?” he asked.

“Mm-hm,” Izuku nodded sheepishly, holding the blanket wrapped around Katsuki’s shoulders and letting his face fall into the crook of Katsuki’s neck.

“Fine with me,” Katsuki shrugged, kissing softly up Izuku’s neck until he felt him shivering in his arms.

“Kacchan,” Izuku whined, repeating the nickname which thankfully didn’t have to change after Katsuki revealed his real name.

“What do you want, baby?” Katsuki cooed, running one hand through the curls closest to the base of Izuku’s neck.

Izuku shifted, pulling his face back up so it was level with Katsuki’s and breathed against his lips, “Kiss me.”

Katsuki did as he was asked without hesitation, crushing his lips against Izuku’s and holding him steady with the hand behind his head as he kissed him fervently. Izuku shifted on his lap, knowing how to move just the right way to rile him up. He wasn’t a virgin anymore, that was for sure.

“Are you sure that’s all you want, sweetheart?” Katsuki asked between kisses. Izuku smirked against his mouth, and he already knew the answer.