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The Ultimate Detective and the Ultimate Hope Chapter Five: 100 Mile Dash; Pain of a Junk Food Junkie Gaiden: Makoto Stalls Monokuma!

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“HEY, MONOKUMA!  GET OUT HERE! I’VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!”

 

Makoto had never bellowed so loudly in his life than he did right then and there.  He began tapping his foot out of nervous impatience, trying to think of a plan to sufficiently distract the robotic bear.  He didn’t have long though, as after a few moments, Monokuma peered into view from the hallway corner.

 

“Well, well, this is a surprise!  You being the one to call me out...By the way...”

 

Makoto raised an eyebrow as he asked ”Huh?”

 

Monokuma’s face turned red, sweating profusely as he inquired, “What were you and Kyoko up to?  Going to the bathhouse? Just the two of you? In the middle of the night? Definitely a hot and steamy moment, wouldn’t you say!?”  

 

Monokuma’s comments made Makoto flash back to the point when he spied on Kyoko and the other girls.  Somehow, he managed to avoid becoming flustered, and just stood there as Monokuma continued his ponderings.

 

“So warm and wet, so warm and wet...I bet you guys were doin’ the deed, weren’t ya?  Goin’ at it like a couple of sea otters?!”

 

It took every ounce of self-control Makoto had, as well as self-control the Ultimate Lucky Student didn’t even know he had, to avoid turning as pink as the blood he had seen so many times before during the murders as Monokuma described theoretical sexual acts between Makoto and Kyoko that were so obscene and explicit, he would never be able to repeat it, even in private.

 

I swear, if this guy decided to actually write a story out of his theories, FanFiction Dot Net would remove it in a millisecond.

 

“All over her, didn’t you?”

 

Makoto was impressed with how well he had managed to keep a straight face throughout Monokuma’s verbal torture.

 

...Guess Kyoko’s laser-like focus is rubbing off on me…

 

Depressed at Makoto’s uncharacteristic inexpressiveness, Monokuma hung his head and moaned “Well, poop.  Fine, be a gentleman. Well, whatever. Unlike you, I have absolutely no interest in late-night bath scenes.  Because I like to maintain a healthy life of observation, far away from X-rated X-ploits!”

 

Then why were you able to talk so freely about your X-rated theories about my nonexistent relationship with Kyoko?   Shaking the deadpanned thought from his head, Makoto inquired “Oh, so is that why there’s no surveillance cameras in the bathhouse?”

 

Sweating again, Monokuma confirmed “Bull’s-eye!”

 

A thought coming to Makoto, he openly deduced “Or is it maybe cuz the lens gets all fogged up, and you can’t see anything anyway?”  As Monokuma gulped, Makoto continued smugly “Sounds like *that’s* the bull’s-eye to me...”

 

Irritated, Monokuma asked impatiently “Anyway!  You went to all that trouble to get me out here, now whaddya want!?”

 

“Oh, well...umm...”

 

Makoto struggled to find a topic to hold Monokuma’s attention, leaving the bear hanging for the time being.

 

“What’s the matter, Makoto?  Cat got your tongue?”

 

Ignoring Monokuma’s jab, Makoto thought Think Makoto, think!  Kyoko’s counting on you!  You can’t let her down! It can’t be obvious that you’re stalling.  But it has to be interesting enough to make Monokuma want to answer.  Wait a minute! The treasure! We never officially found out what it was!   “There’s just something I wanted to confirm with you.”

 

Curious, Monokuma replied “Whether I’m a mademoiselle or a dudefella?”  

 

Makoto resisted the urge to deny the deduction, happy for any amount of time Monokuma kept talking.

 

“But in the bear kingdom, there IS no male or female!”

 

“Um...actually...there is...” Makoto deadpanned, leaving Monokuma to stiffen in shock.

 

“Seriously!?”  Monokuma turned away from Makoto in depression as he moaned “Th-then...what am I?  My entire existence...” Before Makoto could even feel remotely sorry for the bear, Monokuma got back up and turned around, shouting “That’s enough!  I’ll get stuck if I think about it too much. So what did you really wanna ask me?”

 

Wishing that Monokuma had stayed depressed for a little longer, Makoto answered “Oh, well...you told us earlier that your precious had been stolen.  What’s this “precious” of yours?”

 

Monokuma’s red eye looked at Makoto incredulously, as if Makoto had just said two plus two equals five, making the Ultimate Lucky Student shiver in fear.

 

Facepalming, Monokuma groaned “Listen...I’m sure this is a silly question, no way it’s possible and all, but...is that seriously what you dragged me out here to ask me?”

 

Well...yes…

 

Makoto said nothing, making Monokuma visibly angry at the obvious conclusion that yes, that was all Makoto had to ask him about.

 

Makoto instinctively took a step backward as Monokuma roared “You gotta be kiddin’ me!  You gotta be 100-megaton freakin’ KIDDING me! You're not gonna ask something useful, like how to get the best honey, or ursine breeding tips?”

 

...Pretty sure I’m neither Winnie the Pooh nor the Ultimate Breeder, so those wouldn’t be useful to me…

 

This is just crazy...Are all pubescent teen boys this much of a pain in the robo-keester and as nutty as you!?

 

...I don’t think this is being either nutty or a pain…

 

“God, you’re so annoying!  Regarding said treasure, Fine, I’ll tell you!  It was a key and -”

 

At this point, Monokuma had gotten so loud and in Makoto’s face, that the Ultimate Lucky Student’s earbuds screamed in pain, leaving the last few words of Monokuma’s answer unintelligible to Makoto.

 

“What was that second thing…?”

 

Tired of answering Makoto’s questions, Monokuma retorted “It’s a blank, stupid!  A secret! None of your damn business, jackass! Fill it in yourself!” Monokuma turned around, grumbling “Making me trudge all the way out here for that...I’d like to see what’s going on in that brain of yours!”  Monokuma extended his claws in Makoto’s view and threatened “And the next time you summon me for something so stupid, I’ll open up your skull and find out!”

 

As Makoto clutched onto his head to protect it, Monokuma cackled in satisfaction as he walked away.

 

Makoto reached out, finding his second burst of courage as he yelled back “Hey don’t walk away from me,  I’m not done talkin’ to you!”

 

Alas, Monokuma had already stormed out of sight, his last swears echoing down the hall.  Makoto sighed as he walked back towards his room.

 

Well, I stalled him as long as I could.  I hope it was enough. Stay safe, Kyoko…

 

As Makoto turned the doorknob, he started to sneeze.

 

Wiping his nose on his sleeve, he sniffled and groaned “Ugh...hope I’m not coming down with something...we can’t afford for one of us to get sick right now...it’s not like we have any of our parents to take care of us if we get sick.”

 

It was then that Makoto daydreamed of lying in bed, sweating and moaning with a fever while Kyoko tended to him, her gloved hand rubbing his head soothingly as she whispered words of comfort into his ear.

 

Shh, you’re okay.  Rest, Makoto .

 

Chuckling, Makoto stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, shaking away his daydream as he remarked to himself “Yeah, like that’ll ever happen.  I must be letting Byakuya and Hina get to me. Monokuma’s steamy rants probably didn’t help in that regard.” Makoto shed his hoodie and crawled into bed, shutting off the lights as he drowsily murmured “Get your head out of the clouds, Makoto.”  Sneezing once more, Makoto murmured “You can’t afford to get distracted by nonexistent crushes, and you certainly can’t afford to get sick.”

 

With that, Makoto fell asleep, sniffling throughout the night.

 

XXX

 

“Ah...AH-CHOO!”

 

Wiping her nose on her glove, the mysterious Ultimate looked around, then shrugged and got back to work.

 

Someone must be talking about me...never mind; I have to stay focused!  I can’t let Makoto’s favor go to waste.