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Jisung woke up, mouth dry and stomach turning, and whimpered. Nausea hit him in waves when he sat up, head pounding like his brain was trying to break free from his head and his limbs still felt as uncoordinated and heavy as they did last night, but without any of the fun that those vodka shots had in them. 

 

He stumbled his way to the bathroom with his eyes closed, even the faint light from the sunrise too much for him to bear, before he kneeled before the toilet and puked up all the regrets from the night before until his stomach was completely empty.

 

"You look like shit, Sung."

 

He heard Chris" voice behind him, raspy and low from waking up too early. He turned around, looked at his messy, curly hair and pouted.

 

"I feel like shit, thank you."

 

"If you know you"re a lightweight, why do you insist on drinking yourself into a coma?" the older boy said, filling up a cup with water and handing it to Jisung.

because i"m gay and i have a crush on you but you"re the straightest guy i know. apart from binnie-hyung.

"because there"s no point in drinking if i"m not gonna get drunk. now stop nagging me, my head is killing me"

he got up from his position on the floor painfully slowly and walked away with eyes barely opened and his head held down. chan chuckled and patted him in the back, walking him back to his room.

"remember you have class this afternoon, sung. me and binnie are gonna go to the gym in a bit, but i"ll leave some panadol on the kitchen bench for you" chris said putting down the glass of water on jisung bedside table. 

5:27am. at least that what the digital clock said but after a night with too many flashy lights, too many drink, too much glitter and too many boys, who knew time still existed?

jisung groaned and buried himself under the covers, even if he knew he would regret it a few hours later when he woke up covered in sweat. regret never stopped him from making terrible choices, apparently. 

"okay, mum. have fun at the gym. i"m just gonna stay here and die"

"are all gay people this dramatic or is it just you?"

"it"s me. let me sleep, hetero" jisung remarked. he stayed still, waiting for chan to close the door and for the footsteps in the corridor to become distant enough for jisung to be safe. 

"fuck" he whispered, knowing that it was extremely early for anything and his brain was already working, even if it was clawing away at his skull. 

he decided to scroll through his phone with the brightness turned all the way down, ignoring his bodies desperate pleas for sleep.

he looked through his instagram feed, his story filled with flashes from the party at the gay bar he"s gone to with Hyunjin. slowly, memories from their night out filled his head and hit him like a truck.

those too-short denim shorts, fishnets and a button up shirt that with a belt accentuated his slim waist together with dark eye makeup and lipstick, a choker to match his dark blue hair; he was surprised he"d woken up in his own bed and not some hot stranger"s.

even hyunjin said "dude you look so hot i"d totally bang you if i wasn"t madly in love with my boyfriend" to which jisung fake-gagged.

he groaned when he remembered the boy that had pressed him against the wall, probably between his ninth and tenth drink when his knees weren"t steady enough, as he held him by the waist, his touch burning the skin under his shirt and his lipstick smeared over his lips. 

jisung closed his eyes, touching his neck and hissing when his fingertips found the tender spots where his neck was marked. 

 

if u ever change ur mind about that chris guy, call me;) xx

 

"god, what the fuck did i say?" he whimpered as he heard chan and changbin loudly making their dumb "bro-shakes" in the kitchen. 

he remembered how once the stranger"s hands started wandering away from his waist into dangerous waters, he moaned out chris" name, before his eyes opened wide and he pushed the stranger away, apologies quick on his swollen lips. 

he found himself under tender look, sipping on a glass of rum and coke with tearful eyes as the stranger that five minutes earlier intended to take him home, sat him on his lap and listened to him about how utterly unfair it is that christ is so perfect and so caring and so hot and so smart and wonderful but he"s so so so straight and he"s never going to love me back and he"s gonna get married to some dumb girl and he"s gonna continue to go to the dumb gym with changbin and they"re going to live their entire straight life being hot as fuck and his arms are so hot but he"ll never hold me and it"s so dumb and so unfair. 

the night ended with changbin getting a call from jisung"s phone, the stranger asking him to pick his young friend up, while hyunjin made out with seungmin in some grimy corner, and chan borrowing changbin"s stupidly expensive car at 2am in the morning before carrying him to his bed bridal style. chan, like he did every other night he had to rescue him from a party, only let him pass out under the covers after changing into tracksuit pants and taking the makeup off so he wouldn"t have to hear jisung complain about his skin. 



at least you got that guy"s number, he thought to himself, putting his phone away.



and at least you still have chan and changbin, even if they"ll never be more that just friends . that was his last thought before he fell asleep once more, giving into the exhaustion and mad hangover he was carrying. 

___________________________________________________________________

 

"bro, i can"t believe you"re leaving me with this dumbass for two whole weeks" changbin said with a grin as he pulled chan into a hug. 

"hyung, i can"t promise i won"t burn the entire apartment down" jisung said, standing around, waiting for his turn to say goodbye to chan. "who"s going to carry me to my bed when i fall asleep in the sofa? changbin-hyung is not nearly as strong as you, i bet his arms would fall off if he tried"

"yah, i can lift more that chan can, idiot" changbin remarked, fixing his black hat.

"okay, but who"s going to pay for my candy at the convenience store? you love to buy expensive shit but i cannot remember a single time you paid for my chocolate bar," 

they were finally on break from university, and while jisung was hoping to hang out with his best friends, go on drives to the beach and make music together, chan had booked tickets to visit his family back in sydney, and while jisung understood (he hadn"t seen his family in malaysia in a few months), he was disappointed that their holidays was not going to be the same now that they were going to missing one of their members. 

"jisung, stop being so dramatic, you"re allowed to pay for your food every once in a while" chan said, hugging him tightly and some part of jisung wished he never let go. 

"fine, but i can"t promise everything will be intact by the time you get back, we might lose a few plates or mugs at the very least"

"idiots, i"m going to miss you both" he sighed, "alright, it"s time to go, see you guys in two weeks, please don"t forget to pick me up like you always do,"

"that was one time!"

"two actually" chan laughed, dimples appearing on his face, making jisung"s heart skip a beat, before turning around and walking to the departures gate. "bye guys! don"t kill each other while i"m gone!"

 

the first week went perfectly fine. chan sent them both pictures of himself, with his siblings, with his parents, at the beach, with Berry, with his friends from primary school and eating plate after plate of delicious food, while changbin and jisung were stuck eating whatever shitty food the two of them put together in ten minutes. they killed time going out with woojin, seungmin and hyunjin, clubbing and having dinner together, but also, the two of them staying holed up in their apartment, making music and watching some shitty movie on netflix, falling asleep together in the couch, cuddling but not quite, until one of them woke up with a painful neck and forced them both to go to sleep in their own beds.

it was during the second week, four days before chan came back, that jisung found himself on his knees at a bathroom stall at the same club, a stranger"s hand harshly gripping his hair. once they were waiting for the taxi that would take them to his bed, he heard a voice that sounded awfully familiar, asking him if he really wanted this. 

and he didn"t. he didn"t want anyone who wasn"t his australian best friend. he didn"t want anyone if it wasn"t chan making him feel good, making him feel loved or holding him and kissing him and reassuring him while he cried and looked at him fondly while he laughed. he didn"t want anything if it wasn"t chan.

so with a panicked "im sorry" he ran off, away from the club and away from the boy he"d just sucked off and away from his feelings once again. 

he stopped at a convenience store to buy a drink to rinse off the aftertaste of a bad decision, and in haze of a cloudy judgement, he texted chan, even if sober him was screaming at him that it was a bad idea.

 

hyung

i havw somnteing to twll u

pls dpnt hste me 4 tgis 

bt i miss u 

so muhch

pls commne bakc 

i wnt u to hufg me 

pls

 

sung?

are you drunk?

what do you mean you miss me

you said bye to me before u left the house

im coming to pick u up, where are u?

 

that"s how he ended up curled up in changbin"s bed, while the elder played with his hair and he sobbed, confessing everything to changbin. 

yet changbin didn"t care. he hadn"t cared the day he had come to them, while they were still in high school, and he"d told them he liked boys with a shaky voice and gaze glued to the ground. 

he hadn"t cared when he announced that the annoying ass kid who just loves to make him fucking mad, was now his boyfriend and he hadn"t cared when they"d broken up. 

he"d been there for him through it all, and he was there once more, holding him as he cried over unreciprocated love once again, and telling him it was okay, that chan was coming back in four days and they"d be able to go back to normal then. 

 

but he didn"t want normal. not anymore.

 

___________________________________________________________________

when chan came back, sporting a new tattoo on his arm, dark curly hair bleached and looking more relaxed than he had been in ages, jisung heart stopped and it was only thanks to changbin elbowing his ribs that he was able to stop himself from drooling.

"hey guys, did you miss me?" he yelled out when he saw them, a huge grin painting his face

changbin and jisung looked at each other for a second, smiles on their faces and a challenge at their lips better left unsaid, before they both ran, trying to beat the other in a race to hug their best friend first. 

people gave them weird looks, two boys running around like children around the airport , but they didn"t care. they were finally back together. their little family, whatever they may be, was where they belonged once again, with each other. 

miraculously, jisung (who works out once or twice a week) managed to keep up with changbin (who works out every second day and does cardio at least twice a week), and they both reached chan"s arms at the same time. 

man, it felt nice to be back in his arms.

"how many things did you break, sungie?" he questioned

"i only broke one mug and that wasn"t even my fault, binnie-hyung left it lying around on the floor and i accidentally kicked it when i got up to get juice"

chan just pulled him closer once more and then let them go. "right, help me carry my things, i"m so damn tired, that flight is long"

"how"s your mum?" changbin asked

"she"s great, sh- oh! i forgot, she sent you guys a bunch of stuff! it"s like she loves you guys more than me" he says, pulling out two large paper bags, filled with australian snacks to last jisung a month. 

"chris, give me your phone, i need to thank your mum for this,"

"no bu-"

"your phone, now." he says, in a fake-serious tone, before grabbing it off his hand. 

oh.

a message from a girl he doesn"t recognise, that he hasn"t heard of sits on his screen, the four words meet up later tonight?;) taking all the air from jisung"s lungs for a second which felt like an eternity to him, before he"s knocked back to his senses

"okay smile for mama bang!" he says, snapping a picture of the three of them and sending it to chan"s mum. 

 

we got him safe and sound! 

thank u for the presents, hope to see u soon xx

- sungie and binnie!


he looks at the picture, and looks at his smile. does it look forced? he"s not sure, but everything he does, from laughing along like nothing is wrong, to making his shoulders relax when chan drapes his arms across them, all of it is forced. 

"so boys, have we got any tracks ready to go?" 

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

"Hyunjin, I swear...I fucking swear... if you say "it"s okay, you"re not going to die alone", I"m going to walk all the way to your apartment and punch you right now. I don"t care that its fucking freezing and that it"s 1am" He threatened through sobs. "He"s got a girlfriend, Hyunjin, and he"s like ruined all guys for me, I will die alone, I will never find a boyfriend"

"Jisung, is this the first time Chan or Changbin get a girlfriend?"

"No but-"

"Okay, so what you"re going to do is meet her when they get back from dinner, smile away for three weeks and when they break up, like they always do, you"ll be fine and you"ll thank me for not letting you move to Iceland"

"Fuck off, you literally said the same thing when you and Seungmin took a break"

"And I didn"t go away and now me and Seungmin are about to celebrate our 4th anniversary"

"You"re forgetting one part, Jinnie," He waits for a second, only silence coming from the other end of the line, "He"s bisexual. Chris is as straight as it gets"

"Which means you have to move o-"

"They"re here, I"ll call you later"

He got up from the corner where he was crying and quickly ran to the bathroom when he heard Chan"s keys outside the door. 

Jisung looked like a mess. His eyes were red and his cheeks were puffier than normal so he prayed to whatever deity was making him go through such a shitty crush that at least splashing some cold water on his face would make it seem like he hadn"t just been crying for an hour over the phone to his best friend over his crush on his other best friend.  

He sighed, but just as he was about to walk out and greet the two, he heard it. He froze as he heard the hurried shuffling of feet, the rustling of clothes being taken off bodies in a rush and a groan that could"ve only come out of Chan"s lips. Then a girl giggling and a door closing, the sounds of a promise of sex made to someone else fillings up Jisung"s brain, nausea crawling up his insides and leaving a gross taste in his mouth and tears quickly threatening to spill from his eyes as he found himself short of breath.

he knew it was illogical to react this way. he knew that he should"ve never let himself fall this deep for his best friend. he knew that he never should"ve let his mind linger on Chris" fleeting touches, the way his hugs completely enveloped him, the way he would play with his hair and hold him when he had a nightmare or was just missing home. the way that Chan had built a home with him and Changbin in the heart of Seoul when they had all been lost, wondering young kids with a dream and a hefty student loan from the same university and a booking for the only decent recording studio on campus that was accidentally given to all three of them for the saem day and the same time, which Jisung insisted was fate while changbin and chan laughed him off with a fond smile on their faces, and he never should"ve consciously cherished they all just clicked. the way that Chan had never once looked down on him for being younger, the way he always did his best to understand him. 

he never should"ve let himself notice all the things that made Chan himself because if he had remained blissfully aware of the tiny details, like Chan"s morning voice and his dimples, and the way the dark roots of his hair show after a few weeks of bleaching his hair, even if Chan finds it annoying, and the way his eyes almost close when he smiles too big and the mole on the right side of his face. 

he wishes he"d never let himself fall for Chan, because logically it was a terrible idea but all logic out the window, he fell head first, too deep and now he the heartbreak was creeping its way from his heart, pushing all the air from jisung"s lungs with the same force with which he crushed on his best friend, suffocating him and making his hands shake as he dialed hyunjin in a panic, running out from his apartment and slamming the door, forgetting his keys and his jacket.

 

fykc i cnat brethe

hynjin

im comnig ovr 

cn i stya at ur house

pls 

i cnt be ohme rn

sorry

 

hyunjin opened the door to his and seungmin"s apartment before jisung could even raise his hand to knock at the door. he was shivering, both because of the cold bite of the night wind and the aftertaste of a panic attack he was only starting to recover from, so seungmin was quick to sit him down and wrap a blanket around him, while hyunjin handed him a glass of water and held him while he caught his breath.

"sungie, sweetie… what happened, love?"

"i cant" he admitted in between hiccups, "i just couldn"t stay home"

"love, i need you to tell me what got you so upset so we can deal with it, okay?" god, he was glad to have his best friend. he was so thankful than even when things didn"t work out between the two of them romantically, he could still call hyunjin his platonic soulmate. 

"can i stay the night with you guys? until changbin gets back from his g-" he couldn"t even bring himself to say the word, "his friend"s house tomorrow morning?"

"you"re always welcome to stay here, ji sung. regardless of whether you"re having a tough time or not. we definitely have to hang out more often," seungmin said, before getting up to prepare the spare bed for him.

he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. 

it was a message from chan. alongside several other frantic messages and a few missed calls that he did not even notice in the frantic rush to escape.

 

sung?

were u home just then?

where did u go?

is everything okay?

….

sungie?

 

please text me when u see this, me and changbin are super worried

 

hope youre okay xx



minnie just texted me, at least we know you"re safe

please come back in the morning, we"re worried about u

 

love u, sungie xx



"what happened, angel?"

ji sung launched into a long explanation in between shallow breaths while hyunjin rubbed circles on his back, slowly easing him into talking.

"nothing really, im really just overreacting. it was just that chris came home, and like i was about to go greet him but then i hear hes got a girl. his girlfriend, or friends with benefits or whatever she is, and they"re making out in the halway and they"re obviously about to have sex and it just felt so wrong to be there, like i felt like an intruder in my own house but also it was such a sick reminder of the fact that chan is never gonna fall for me and im hopeless and it hurts to much to hear, cause i fucking heard them moaning and shit, jinnie, i fucking heard them. it just felt so real and so close and so tangible how much i cant have him. and it felt even worse because then i realised that"s my fucking best friend. like i shouldnt feel jealous of my best friend"s girlfriend and i shouldnt care who hes fucking, but i do because it"s not me an-"

"jisung , breathe with me, you"re hyperventilating again"

"sorry"

"no don"t be sorry" he says, pulling Jisung up with him, "you shouldnt feel like that at home, and you definitely need to talk to chan, even if its just about stuff like this making you… uncomfortable to say the least. no, don"t look at me that way, i"m not telling you to confess your feelings until you"re 100% sure, but at least have a chat about the specific thing that triggered this, sungie. you texted me while panicking and you showed up at my doorstep shivering and barely able to breathe. you gotta talk about it"

"okay…"

"i"ll go grab some clothes for you, do you want me to stay with you or sleep with minnie tonight?"

"just sleep with minnie, m" tired"

"sure?"

"yeah, s"all good"

 

i"m fine

i"ll be back sometime tomorrow

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

can we talk about what happened?

i can make dinner if u want

i"m not busy

unless you"re going out or something 

nvm if ur busy its okay

 

no!

im not busy!

im going out in the afternoon but i should be back by 7ish

what are u gonna make us?

 

idek tbh

i"ll figure something out

im sorry for acting like a brat

 

u dont need to apologise

im just glad youre okay!

what time are u gonna get home?

 

 4pm?

im having lunch with lixie, jinnie and minnie 

 

tell lix i said g"day okay? 

just

i wanna make sure we"re all good

yeah we cool

 

sure?

 

yeah, see you tonight tho

be there in time or i cant promise u i wont eat ur food lol

 

lol?

u never use that

 

im changing ig

 

...okay?

i gotta go, movie"s starting

see ya tonight, jisung

 

yeah, see ya later hyung

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

"I"m going out with Woojin and Minho tonight so don"t bother making food for me," he hears Changbin"s voice from behind him. There"s the distinct sound of his house keys and the sound of his jacket being zipped up. 

"it would"ve been a thousand times more helpful if you told me before i had started making food and not right before you"re about to leave" he snaps back. he"s definitely not looking forward to having to talk with Chan, and it doesn"t make it any better that he was counting on Changbin to be there to make it less awkward

"jisung…" the older boy looks taken aback and jisung suddenly feels guilty about the entire situation, for what feels the thousandth time since he got picked up from his friend"s apartment that morning

"i"m fine, changbin. it was just a panic attack, nothing out of the ordinary"

"nothing out of the ordinary? jisung you straight up ran away last night"

"yeah cause I didnt wanna hear our best friend fucking a some random girl while i was trying to sleep"

"so you"re trying to tell me this has nothing to do with the huge ass crush you have on him?"

jisung sighed, defeated. "just… just drop it, binnie. have fun with woojin and minho, i"ll sort out my shit with him. i"ll be fine"

jisung tried to go back to chopping up the vegetables for dinner, but instead, two strong arms were wrapped around him from behind and the tension in his body visibly melted. 

"just message me if he"s being stupid or whatever. please don"t run away we were so worried. i"ll be checking my phone every now and then"

"okay mum, i promise i wont run away"

"shut up, brat" changbin swatted him in the head, forcing a giggle from the mischievous younger boy. 

"bye mum!" he called out with a grin once he heard changbin opening the front door. 

 

what are we having for dinner?

 

wouldnt u like to know pissy boy

 

if youre just ordering takeout and putting it in a plate

i"ll be dissapointed

dissapointed but not surprised 

 

sjkls

as if

that was literally one time

im /cooking/ food

what time are you gonna get here?

 

around 7?

idk

we gonna watch a movie now so hopefully it doesnt go on for too long

i"ll let u know when im on my way tho

is that okay?

 

….sigh

yes hyung its fine

stop worrying about me

 

jisung ....

 

i know

its fine

just…

we"ll talk about it when u get home okay?

enjoy your movie

 

jisung sighed but continued to work on dinner, while mentally working up the courage to deal with whatever chan was going to say

sometimes he felt like a burden to his friends. he was too emotional, too erratic, too unpredictable. he broke down often, the weight and pain of the anxiety that clawed at his chest and his throat at the worst times felt too much to deal with to him. so why would it be any different for them?

why did they still put up with everything that came with his anxiety and depression? 

it didnt make any sense.

he moved towards the fridge, grabbing one of the apple cider bottles that chan had forgotten about after a party, drinking as much as he could possibly drink in one go and grimacing at the taste.

it was going to be a long night.

time passed, five o"clock turned into five thirty, then six o"clock then seven and with time, jisung"s sobriety went away too.

by the time it was seven forty five and all of jisung"s messages and calls had been ignored by chan, who seemed to be extremely engrossed in the movie he was watching, jisung had already drank three or four bottles of beer and was slowly starting to feel the effects of the alcohol while the food got cold in the kitchen.

 

ur not coming are u

have fun with ehatver ur doin

 

sorry sungie, we kinda got caught up

i"ll be there in a few

sorry:/

 

im not waiting for u

im fuckign starving 

im gonna eat bye

 

he turned on a movie, one that he knew was gonna make him cry, and ate his cold food, not bothered to even heat it up. he sat in the couch, staring at the screen, another bottle in his hand, the weight of chan"s empty words pulling him down until he felt the first tear and he wasnt sure if it was the alcohol, the movie or the chan-sized hole in his heart that was starting to hurt more than ever with the longing of a time where he wasnt so caught up with the older man and he wasnt crying over everything his friend did wrong.

 

hey cjan

fuck u 

yore such a n adxhole

fick u

why am i in love with u 

fuck u fr beign u

like im sorry im in love with u

i just wanted to make things better 

at least so we could be friends

why wont u stop hurting me

i thought u cared more than that

 

"hyunjin"

"oh no, sweetheart, please dont cry. what happened to you, love?"

"i told him" 

hyunjin"s shock was evident through the phone. "you did what?"

"i told chan i love him, i couldn"t stop myself…" his sentence was slurred by the cider "i just want it to stop hurting. he"s such a dick"

"wait, holy shit, what did he do? i swear i"m going to ki-"

"he hasnt come home, jinnie. and we were meant to eat together and i was meant to tell him about why the fuck i slept at your last night cause apparently he was so fucking worried… worried my ass, he just didnt wanna have to tell my mum i got murdered or some shit. but lime he told me he was gonna be here like an hour an a half ago and he isnt answering my messages and fuck, why does this suck so much?"

"deep breaths, love"

"like its so fucking unfair, why did you get your happy ending? when the fuck do i get mine? when do i stop falling for people who for whatever reason wont date me? its so unfair, why am i aways the one left with the broken heart while everyone moves on?"

"sungie… i"m sorry"

"it"s fine, i understand. i dont hold that against you, its just fucking frustrating that im trying to move on from chan and maybe i wanna stop with the hook-ups and the one night stands and maybe i want to have someone, i wanna have someone that"s what seungmin is to you, jinnie"

"you will, love. you will get your happy ending"

"clearly not yet… i"m gonna go now. love you, jinnie. i really do"

"i love you too, jisung. please have some water before you sleep or you"re gonna have a mad headache tomorrow"

"goodnight"

he tried to get up, dizzy from the mix of exhaustion and one drinks too many, struggling to clean up after himself while his head buzzed, not bothering to wipe the tears that were still on his cheeks from his conversation with hyunjin.

just as he was stumbling back to his room from the bathroom, where he sat for twenty minutes on the floor, trying to process all the anger and hurt he thought he should feel over numb feeling of having cried out all his feelings over the phone, he heard the door open too quickly.

great, as if this week couldn"t get any worse, now my shit is getting stolen and im gonna get stabbe-

"han jisung "

oh shit

his body forgetting for an instant the small amount of alcohol still left in his system, he bolted towards his room, rushedly locking himself in there to avoid having to physically face his best friend.

"FUCK YOU CHRIS"

"shut up, ji sung. open the fucking door"

"NOT FUCKING HAPPENING, PISS OFF"

"jesus christ, are you like a kid or something?"

"APPARENTLY YES SINCE YOU INSIST ON TREATING ME LIKE YOU TREAT LUCAS"

"I read your message, Ji sung, now open up,"

"I"M STAYING HERE, I DONT WANNA DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE"

there was a pause, where Chan was probably considering his options. it wasn"t the first time someone in their little trio locked themselves up in their rooms to avoid confrontation and it certainly wouldn"t be the last.

"JUST TALK TO ME JI SUNG"

"IM NOT OPENING THE DOOR"

"THEN FUCKING DONT. BUT YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME THEN"

"nope, not happening"

"THEN WHAT"S GONNA TAKE FOR YOU TO STOP MOPING ABOUT ME"

"NOTHING CAUSE YOURE STRAIGHT AND HAVE A GIRLFRIEND"

"BUT WHAT IF IM NOT, SUNGIE"

oh shit. 

"What if… what if I"m not...uh, straight?"

oh

shit

"Chris…what do you mean?"

He hears Chris sigh, sounding defeated. "C-can you just… open the door, please? I don"t wanna do this starting at your door"

Jisung, feeling so confused and completely taken aback, slowly opened the door, and gestured for Chan to come in and sit next to him on his bed. 

"Actually, hold on a minute, I need to be sober for this"

He walked away, half-feeling bad about how awkward he was being and how shitty he was treating his best friend, while trying to process what the hell was happening as he watched his cup fill up in the kitchen sink.

By the time he was back in his room, Chan"s nerves seemed to have increased tenfold, his leg was bouncing uncontrollably in an erratic pattern, his hat was off and he was playing with the rings on his fingers. 

"Sorry"

"It"s okay, I don"t mind"

"Sorry, though," There"s a pause, "I just needed some water, it"s been a long night"

"Jisung, listen I"m sorry for leaving you alone tonight, and I"m sorry for last night too…"

"it"s okay…" He murmurs.

"No, but it"s not. I"m sorry that I put you through that, I must be such a shitty person to have a crush on, huh?"

Jisung can see Chan"s nervousness show in the way his hands can"t stop moving in his periphery, "Shut up, can we just ignore I said that? It"s so embarrassing that I have a crush on my best friend, like how much of a fucking fifth-grader can I be?" 

As Jisung goes to take a sip of water, Chan blurts out "What if I don"t want to ignore it?", sending him into a coughing fit as he chokes out a weak "What the fuck?"

It only takes him a few seconds to recover, "Why wouldn"t you want to ignore it? You were meant to ignore that text"

"Jisung, look at me"

It takes him a second to pull away from whatever force is making him stare straight down and finally look at Chan"s face. "Maybe… I"m gay? Or bi? I don"t know, I haven"t thought about it much…" 

If Jisung had any brain cells left in his skull after all the things he"d been through in the last twenty-four hours, this was the moment they gave up, stopped working and rendered him completely void of any rational thought.

"Uhhh…"

Chan sighs, his expression not revealing whether he was frustrated at Jisung"s utter confusion or himself for not explaining himself better.

"Look, what I"m trying to say… Please don"t freak out… I think I like you too?"

 

UHHHHHH

 

After that, the visible strain in Chan"s face eased and it was like the dam had been broken and all the words that he was struggling to find were flooding his mouth all at once, struggling to come out in the right order at a reasonable pace.

"Look, I never really thought about it but I guess I was kinda pretending it wasnt there when it was clearly there like it kinda bothered me all the times you came home and you had hickies in your neck or when you get ready to go out and you look so good except I never get to see it and I thought it was just because I didn"t want anyone hurting you but then the other day Changbin made this stupid comment while you were with Felix and Jeongin at the park about how its fucking gay bro, how much it bothered me and then you got upset about last night and I felt so bad when Changbin told me what happened but I"m such an idiot because I didn"t think much of it until that message cause suddenly it was a whole new possibility that I never even thought about that maybe something could happen between us and I think what I"m trying to say is that I like you?

Jisung let himself flop back, feeling so overwhelmed with the entire situation, the only thing he could do was lay on his back and stare at the ceiling while Chan continued to ramble on. "...and I don"t know if this makes me like, gay, or bi, or whatever cause yeah kissing girls and doing stuff with them is nice and I legitimately like it but… I don"t know how down I am with doing it with guys" And then a whisper "I just know I wanna try it out with you"

"Chris…"

"Oh, Sungie, please don"t cry"

"F-fuck you" His words were muffled by Chan"s hug as we cried out in relief. "Ca- why- Can you please stop making me cry?"

"I"m sorry…"

"You"ve made me cry so much… Fuck you…"

"I"m sorry, Sungie. I"m so sorry, I"m such an idiot, I don"t deserve you"

"You"re so dumb."

They stayed there, in the darkness of Jisung"s poorly lit room, Jisung"s sniffs and hiccups resonating through the room as Chan holds him tight, playing with his hair. He was so warm, his cologne comforted him as he tried to calm down, too tired to continue crying. It had been a long day, but maybe it had been worth it. 

Chan liked him.

Chan, Christopher Bang, his best friend, the straightest guy he knew, who wasn"t so straight after all, somehow developed a crush on him.

"Chris?"

"Hmm…" The vibrations from his low voice soothe Jisung, who his pressed against Chan with his face buried in his neck.

"You really haven"t kissed a guy before?"  

"Nope," They both whisper, not wanting to break the silent magic of the moment as it happened.

"Not even when drunk?"

"Nope,"

"Do you wanna, maybe… see what it"s like?"

"I-I guess?"

"You don"t have to if you don"t want to,"

"No, I just… You"re really close right now, it"s making me nervous, I guess…"

"We cuddle all the time, Chris"

"Yeah, b-but it has never been in a romantic way"

"It"s okay, we can just stay like this" He clings onto his shirt with his fists, just needing to feel closer to him, to know this was real.

"N-No, I want to…"

"Then kiss me"

Chan shifts so Jisung is laying on his back, leaning over him and pressing some of his body weight on top of him.

Just before he"s about to lean in, Chan asks "What if I suck at it though?"

"Kissing girls can"t be that different from kissing me,"

"But it is. You make all the difference, Sungie" He brushes a strand of hair that fell on his face, looking at him with infinite fondness

"I"m just me, though"

"When are you gonna realise that you"re deserve so much better than me? I treated you like shit because I couldn"t deal with my own emotions"

"That"s okay, Chris...Kiss me, please?" The last part comes out as a whine, but he can"t begin to think about feeling embarrassed before Chan"s lips were pressed against his own and he was melting into his touch. 

The kiss was needy, it was careful but it left a lingering need for more as the culmination of everything that they had felt crashed into one single wave of longing and desire that spanned from where their lips met.

Chan"s lips were soft, thick and were moving against his own softly but with a pressure that indicates he was hungry and would always be left wanting for more.

He"d kissed a lot of guys before, and even if Chris" kiss did not come with fireworks, but it left him feeling tingly all over. 

Jisung pressed into the kiss, holding Chan"s nape as the older crawled on top of him, and he slightly parted his lips, allowing Chan to kiss harder. 

When Chan bit his bottom lip, making Jisung gasp as he welcomed the sting, he moved his hands so they were roaming down to Chan"s waist, urging him to move closer, wanting to feel every possible inch of skin against his own.

Chan"s lungs were burning in need for air, pulling away for a second to catch his breath. Jisung chased after his lips, and if Chan found Jisung"s whine the most endearing thing in the world, he wasn"t going to tell him. Not now.

Jisung"s eyes were staring at him, asking him what he was going to do next, wordlessly. 

"Fuck...that was so hot, Sungie"

"You"re hotter" He says, pecking Chan"s lips quickly before tugging at his shirt. After taking his shirt off, Chan sat up against the headboard, pulling Jisung along with him so he was straddling his lap and Jisung couldn"t help but notice how close their half-erect members were in that position and how easy it would be to grind down in search of more pleasure. 

Instead, he let Chan take up his shirt, slowly when he saw Jisung"s hesitant face, "I"m just nervous cause it"s you"

"Babe, you"re beautiful" He whispers before holding Jisung"s waist, his touch against his bare skin giving him goosebumps as he pressed him closer and kissed him again. 

The kiss was sloppier, it was less kissing and more mouthing at each other"s lips between gasps as Jisung started grinding down, letting out small moans at the pressure he was feeling over his pants

"Chris… I need you, please" He chanted over and over like a prayer while Chan"s thick lips moved away from his swollen lips and sucked on the skin of his neck, biting and marking him up, making Jisung hiss at the sting. 

They continued like that for a while, hands and lips roaming and exploring each other bodies, lost in the pleasure and the passion of finally holding each other, whispering "I need you"s and biting skin to claim each other as their own. Jisung"s hand made its way down to the waistband of Chan"s tracksuit pants, making the older groan in response.

"Can I?" Jisung asked, pulling away so he was staring directly at Chan. He admired the way his porcelain skin was covered in hickies, near his jawline, all over his neck, his collarbones, and the way his curly hair was even more of a mess that his was before from the way he ran his fingers through it while they kissed and he couldn"t help but wonder how much of a mess he looked like. 

He looked down at the tent that was formed in Chan"s pants and giggled "You"re so worked up"

"Not like you"re any better" Chan snapped back, fondly looking at him with a dimpled smile as he traced patterns on Jisung"s thigh, dangerously close to his dick. 

He impatiently tugs at Chan"s waistband, tangling them into a mess of limbs and pants being taken off, before Chan found himself seated at the edge of the bed completely naked, guided by Jisung"s dainty hands as he stared at him from his knees, expression baffled by the girth and length of Chan"s member.

The sight of Jisung kissing up his inner thighs with tender passion made his dick twitch in excitement the closer the fluttering feeling of his full lips got to it. He knew that Jisung had done this many times before but nothing could have prepared him for the erotic sight that was Jisung looking up at him while his hand loosely stroked his dick, expertly spreading the beading precum from the tip to make the glide easier and so much more pleasurable for him. 

"A-Ah, Sungie" The younger starts by giving his tips little kitten licks, making his hips buck up at the feeling of Jisung"s tongue on him, which then turned into the feeling of Jisung wrapping his lips around his achingly hard cock and slowly bobbing his head up and down. "S-Slow down…" 

Jisung looks up, eyes wide and watery, and hums around Chan"s length, the vibrations slowly pushing him closer to the edge, before Jisung takes all of Chan inside his mouth and his throat in one slow movement that makes Chan grab fistfuls of the bedsheets. 

Jisung"s experienced mouth was driving Chan to the brink of insanity as he bobbed up and down his length, taking his entire cock down his throat, the tight, wet feeling of Jisung"s tongue and mouth almost becoming too much. Chan grabbed a fistful of Jisung"s hair, guiding him to slow down and making him moan around his dick, before sucking one last time and pulling away from Chan"s length with a obscenely wet sound. 

"Is this okay?" Jisung asks, expression too hesitant and too innocent considering the way he had been sucking Chan"s dick like his life depended on the quality of that sloppy blowjob. "I can just get you off like that if you want"

"No! I mean, I really need to cum but fuck… I also really wanna get my dick inside you"

"Wow" Jisung chuckles as he climbs back into Chris" lap "I thought you"d be better at dirty talk… Guess you can"t trust straight guys with anything"

"Fuck off" He smiled, kissing Jisung fondly, holding his chin between his thumb and pointer finger, keeping him there while he slipped his tongue inside Jisung"s mouth. "I promise you I fuck better than I dirty talk"

"Is that so?" Jisung looked at him smugly 

"I"ll make you scream, Jisung. I"ll fuck you better than anyone before"

It didn"t take long for Jisung to scramble to grab the bottle of lube he kept in the draw of his bedside table and a condom, but was stopped in his tracks when Chan says "Baby, that"s not going to fit me" 

And it was true. While Jisung was of average length and of decent thickness, Chan"s dick was significantly bigger than his, wider and longer. 

I can"t wait to have that inside me.

"Fine, I"ll prep myself and you can go get your condoms from your room, Mr. Big Dick"

It is when he is left alone that the realisation finally hits him. His best friend, Christopher Bang is about to fuck him and that makes him grow so much needier, his hard dick leaking precum all over his sheets, forgotten and red in favour of two fingers up his ass, the burn of the stretch making him whine out Chan"s name. 

"You called?" He says, staring at him hungrily from the doorframe, slowly stroking his member

"F-Fuck, I need you" He moaned out, pulling out his fingers to pour more lube on them before pushing three digits in and slowly moving them in and out of the tight ring of muscles, before gasping out, "Your fingers… Please"

He heard the distinct sound of lube being poured out and then felt Chan"s hand gently pulling his wrist away, which should"ve been enough warning, yet the way Chan"s fingers pushed in ever so gently inside him, filling him up deliciously and reaching places that his own digits couldn"t, had him letting out a high-pitched whine that only encouraged Chan to continue moving, as he reached beneath him and slowly began stroking his length. Jisung"s arms gave out after a few minutes, Chan"s hesitant hands bringing him so much pleasure, there were tears coming out of his eyes and he was letting out tiny gasps with his face pressed against the sheets by the time he was fully stretched out. 

"Ah- A- Chan, Pl-Please, I-I Ah! I"m ready! F-fuck me please Ah"

He already felt so wrecked, so by the time Chan had manhandled him so he was laying on his back and he felt the blunt tip of his dick against his asshole, he felt himself let out a sob. 

"Shhh, baby, I got you" Chan said, kissing his cheeks and intertwining their fingers before slowly pressing in.

Chan went in slowly, carefully examining Jisung"s facial expressions for any discomfort. "Shit, Sungie" He hissed, his dick twitching in pleasure at the tight squeeze of Jisung"s hole. 

"I-I"m good, Ah! Move," He whined, his own member pressed against his stomach, the tight knot of an upcoming orgasm almost too much to bear as Chan touched him so carefully and so gently. "I need you, please"

Chan compiled, passionately sucking on Jisung"s neck as he slowly thrusted inside his tight heat. 

Jisung felt filled up to the brim by Chan"s hard cock, making him gasp and squirm under the older"s fit body, his body asking for more. 

"Faster please," he begs, the wet slide of Chan"s cock pressing against his walls making him feel like he died and went to heaven. 

Something inside Chan snaps the second he hears him begging for more, because after he tenderly kisses his swollen lips, he grabs Jisung"s legs so they"re on his shoulders, allowing him to reach even deeper inside Jisung. 

When Chan"s hips snapped at a much faster pace, fucking into Jisung relentlessly, he yelped when the tip of his cock began slamming his prostate, rapidly driving him towards the brink of insanity as they both chased their orgasms. 

It only took a few more thrusts, the sloppy sound of skin slapping skin and lube easing the glide inside and out of Jisung"s hole alongside the high pitched moans and low grunts that left their mouths as the bed creaked filling up the room, and Jisung reached his peak, seeing white stars that blurred his vision as he shook in Chan"s strong arms, covering his stomach with cum.

"Ah, fuck, Chris!" he let out as white strings of cum painted his skin, hole clenching tightly around Chan"s cock before he let himself fall back and melt against the sheets, his limp body still shaky and slowly floating down from his high.

He whined at the loss once Chan pulled out his rock hard member, but melted into his touch once he felt the older crawl over him and lay down next to him, holding him close as he sighed, mind too fuzzy to process what had just happened. 

A few moments later, while Chan was leaning on his elbow and playing with Jisung"s hair, the younger finally was able to open his eyes. 

"You didn"t cum," He whispers, almost sounding sad.

"It"s okay, baby. I don"t mind"

He frowned, thinking for a second. 

"I"m too sore to move at the moment but I wanna make you finish, Channie" He looked up, eyes water and wide. "Can I at least give you a handjob on a blowjob or something"

Chan didn"t reply. Instead, he grabbed Jisung"s wrist, guiding his hand until it was wrapped around his dick. 

"I"m so close, baby" 

And indeed he was. After a few lazy strokes, Chan was already gasping and groaning. There was something fascinating about watching Jisung"s fucked out expression focus solely on his dick, something so much more pleasurable about having someone else finish you off instead of your own hand. 

Once he was close, he kissed Jisung once more, pouring all his feelings and adoration into the kiss, before gasping out and releasing into the condom, dick sensitive and twitching while Jisung took it off and tied it up neatly. 

"Yuck, I"m so gross" 

"It"s fine" Chan replies, attempting to pull Jisung into his arms

"You"re not the one covered in his own cum, idiot"

"Whose fault is that?"

"Yours"

"As if you didn"t like it,"

"I loved it, Chris. I really did"

"Hmmm… I"m glad"

"Can we go have a shower and then cuddle?"

Chan hummed in agreement, getting up and  grabbing Jisung by the arms and pulling him up so he coudl carry him to the shower bridal style.

"Chris?"

"Can we sleep in your bed? Mine"s gross. Also, can I borrow one of your shirts? They smell like you"

"Sure"

A few seconds of silence pass, and then Jisung whispers.

"Chris?"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing, I"m just glad I"m in your arms, I guess"