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hospitals and angel boys

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minho sits in his chair pondering over the short male, with strikingly blonde hair and a smile to rival the sun, that had seemed to take over so much of his life. He sat silently, staring out the window blissfully before his eyes began roaming the seemingly bare room until his eyes focused on a pastel pink notebook. He walked over to the bookshelf and picked up the object, the familiarity of it soothing him. He promised jisung that he'd never open something so personal, but he couldn't resist the urge. He carefully opened the cover, scanning the contents of the first page as all the memories floated back through his mind.
//
June 23, 2016
Today was the first day I saw him. It wasn't the best of circumstances considering how we met and where, but despite that he was still the most captivating person in the room.
-jisung

jisung woke up not feeling like his normal bubbly, sunshine self. Sure there are days where he wakes up grumpy because he didn't get enough sleep, but this was completely different because jisung woke up with a pounding migraine and a slight stomach ache. When he sat up in his bed he let a groan slip past his plump lips and when he began to stand up he had to clutch the side of his nightstand in order to keep from falling due to the dizziness that had seemed to creep up on him. It took him thirty minutes to move from the side of his bed to his closet, that was only a mere five feet away, so he could put on some type of shoes; and then it took him another thirty to make it out of his room and into the living room where he was sure his roommate, seungmin, would be with his boyfriend felix. He made his presence known by groaning uncharacteristically loud and hitting the wall slightly harder than necessary until someone turned around and acknowledged that he was in fact there in the room dying slowly. Both seungmin and felix looked at him, annoyed that their movie had been interrupted, and their faces dropped upon seeing him.

"Oh my God, what's wrong?"

"Are you hurting?"

"Do you feel dizzy? Lightheaded?"

"Does your head hurt? What about your stomach?"

"Oh my goodness, he's so pale seungmin!"

"We should take him to the hospital."

"Yeah, I'll go get the car, you bring jisung down."

"I'll get the car. You're stronger, felix. He might need to be carried."

Upon hearing the word Hospital, jisung started panicking. He hated hospitals and their bad vibes. Hospitals were places where bad news was given, places full of dullness and death, and jisung wanted none of that.

"You know what guys, I'll take an Aspirin and lay back down. I'll be fine later, all I need is some rest!"

"Nope, we're taking you to the hospital jisung. You can't avoid it, you look like death bro."

"No, I'm fine really!"

"Grab him felix, I'll get the car."

"No!"

No matter how much jisung tried to escape, seungmin's words were final and he soon found himself being carried like a toddler, on the verge of having a tantrum, to seungmin's car and placed in the back seat. He huffed loudly and buckled his seatbelt then, in order to escape seungmin and felix's love fest, tried his hardest to fall asleep. He placed his head on the window and sighed in relief when he felt the coolness of the glass make contact with his flushed cheek. He remembers asking seungmin to turn up the AC because 'it's too damn hot in here' and humming to the radio (that was playing NCT's "Limitless") before closing his eyes and falling into a dreamless sleep.

The next thing he knows he's being shaken by felix with a worried seungmin behind him asking if he's okay enough to walk or if he'd need felix to carry him. He lets a weak laugh slip past his lips as felix lets out an exasperated sigh and mumbles 'I carried him to the car, it's your turn' followed by seungmin rolling his eyes. jisung waves both of them off saying he can handle himself, but thinks that seungmin carrying him into the hospital isn't a bad option when he stumbles out of the car clutching his head. It's felix that catches him when he falls, but seungmin who carries him into the hospital after mumbling 'how much do you eat you fatass' but everything else is blurry as he falls in and out of consciousness in seungmin's arms.

He thinks he's dead already when he sees a person with white ripped jeans and a pastel pink sweatshirt looking at him. jisung is completely convinced when the boy, with dark brown hair (as dark as his eyes) that was swept out of his face and eyes that were hidden behind crescents, smiled brightly (that was even more beautiful than seungmin and felix's smiles combined). He had to be dead because the boy laughed and it was the most heavenly sound; jisung thought it was impossible for him to still be alive. He quickly pulled on seungmin's shirt to get his attention.

"seungmin am I in Heaven?"

"No, you're in a hospital. Why would you think you're in Heaven?"

"Because there's an angel next to us."

"What are you talking about jisung?"

"The angel standing right there! Don't you see him? He's only standing like ten feet away! He's impossible not to notice!"

seungmin looks around the empty waiting area and finds felix talking to some boy with a pink sweatshirt.

"You mean the boy felix's talking to?"

"NO! He's an angel, I swear he is!"

"jisung, he's not an angel, I promise."

"How can you promise if you don't know if he is or isn't in fact an angel seungmin."

jisung huffs, annoyed that seungmin keeps disagreeing with him. He wriggles out of seungmin's grasp and walks over to one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs. He plops down on the chair and turns away when seungmin sits in the one right next to him. He's still ignoring seungmin when he sees angel boy sit down on one of the chairs across from him, felix taking the one next to him. He watches as felix talks to angel boy as if he's known him for a while.

He sits and admires the boy's features, taking in every small detail: the way he talks slowly as his hands move at a rapid pace, how deep his voice is, the way his hair falls in his face and the small movement of his head to put the hair back in its place, and the way his eyes become crescents when he smiles. jisung squeals when the boy laughs, and seungmin looks at him worriedly and asks if he's hurt. He looks incredulously at seungmin, as if he has three heads, and mumbles 'why would I be hurt?'. seungmin rolls his eyes and turns to face jisung.

"jisung, you just groaned. Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine!"

"If you say so."

jisung went back to studying the beautiful boy before the name 'lee minho' was called by a tall, lanky, awkwardly-proportioned nurse (jisung thinks his name is hyunjin, but his eyes were looking elsewhere so his name could've been trash for all jisung cares) and angel boy stood up quickly before following the nurse that called him.

"Where's angel boy going?"

felix snorted at jisung's statement before rolling his eyes at the lovesick boy.

"It was his turn to be called. He's meeting with his doctor right now, and his name's minho by the way."

"I do have exceptional hearing you know, so I did hear the name when the nurse called him thank you very much."

"Alrighty there smart ass."

"Just saying though."

"Whatever."

jisung huffed and slumped down in his seat for what felt like years (which ended up only being half an hour), but perked back up at the mention of his name, from a very well built nurse named changbin with light brown hair that matched his soft eyes and dimples that formed when he smiled, and quickly walked (stumbled) up to the nurse who wasn't much shorter than him. He was almost right in front of the nurse when he caught a glimpse of angel boy sitting in the hospital room talking to his doctor with a frown on his face.

He lost concentration and tripped over his own two feet only to hit his face off what felt like concrete, but when he looked up he found himself being wrapped in the arms of changbin with a slightly worried awkward, lanky nurse right in tow ('So his name was hyunjin'). Both nurses looked at him with concern etched on their faces and asked him if he was okay. He quickly nodded, but soon felt the pain reach his forehead.

"Ouch, oh my god what are you made of, concrete?"

"What?"

"Your chest is so hard it's like a fucking rock, my god. If I knew you catching me was going to hurt this bad I would've taken my chances with lanky limbs over there."

"Did you just call me lanky limbs?"

"Yeah, you know 'cause your limbs are really long. And you concrete chest guy, you need to fatten up or something because damn you need to be softer."

"But I worked hard for these abs...."

jisung thinks he gives Rockdude, who he settles on calling binnie, a dissatisfied glance before turning to see lanky limbs flushing while looking away.

"Well, you should work hard to lose them too. You need to eat a lot dude. Gain lots of weight."

"But I do eat."

"Eat more! Eat cakes, cookies, fattening foods bro."

"Um..."

Lanky limbs snickered quietly observing the conversation in front of him, but jisung noticed the way his eyes always seemed to lead back to changbin and light up brighter than any star jisung gazed at when he was younger.

"You seriously need to eat more, and you should have someone watch your eating habits to know that you're fattening up too. Take lanky limbs and treat him to a couple of meals, he's too skinny anyway. You both need to fatten up."

"Take lanky limbs- I mean hyunjin with me?"

"Yeah! Make it a date too because you called me to meet with a doctor three minutes ago and in the 180 seconds I've been around you two I already want to puke at the heart eyes you're throwing at each other. Now if you'll tell me what room I need to go to I'd gladly like to leave before I throw myself off a cliff due to your obliviousness towards each other."

Both males stood shell-shocked before they both pointed to the room with the number 107 on a small plaque to the right of the door. He quickly thanked the two nurses before he walked into the room he was pointed to. When he walked in he found angel boy smiling towards the entrance of the door and the doctor looking at him with a look of pure satisfaction.

"Um, hello."

The doctor quickly blinked and then turned to jisung.

"Hello jisung so as of right now you'll be sharing a room with minho here. It's only temporary because you'll only be here for a few days up to a week at max."

"Wait, aren't you going to see what's wrong with me?"

"We already have. You were falling in and out of consciousness so we took you right away. You have a slight fever so you'll need to rest in the bed and be hooked up to antibiotics. Don't worry, minho's great company. If you'll excuse me I have another patient waiting for me."

After hooking jisung up (after forcing him to change into the uncomfortable hospital gown), the doctor quickly left the room leaving an awkward silence in his wake. It took about thirty minutes for someone to talk, and it came as a shock to jisung who was trying (and failing) at finding a way to introduce himself without making a complete fool of himself in the process.

"Thank you."

"Huh?"

jisung turned to minho, a look of confusion plastered on his usually carefree face.

"For telling both of those nurses that they should date, I mean. I've had to suffer through them dancing around each other for the past month."

"Oh. Honestly I don't know what got into me, I'm usually really happy and carefree. I guess it was their obliviousness towards each other."

"Thank you, seriously. I mean now we won't have to suffer through them trying to tiptoe around each other."

"But if they do get together, we'll have to suffer through the coupley things they do."

With that being said minho threw his head into his pillow and let out a long groan.

"Thanks dude, you just ruined my happiness."

"Sorry, but I was only telling the truth. My name's jisung by the way."

"I'm minho."

"Nice to meet you minho."

"You too, actually it's really nice to have a roommate even if it's only for a short period of time. I was getting kind of lonely."

"Lonely is my middle name."

minho sent a smile towards jisung and he practically melted under the gaze that accompanied the smile. ('Thank god I'm in a bed because if I wasn't I'd probably be on the floor right now calling for life alert.')

"Not to sound rude, by why are you here?"

"Adenocarcinoma."

"What?"

"Pancreatic cancer. I'm on my second cycle of chemotherapy. It's a miracle that I haven't lost my hair."

"Oh my, that's a big thing to have."

minho showed a smile so blindingly beautiful that jisung forgot how to breathe. He'd questioned whether he was dead or not when he first laid eyes on minho, but now he knows he's alive because angels don't go through hardships and minho has (and jisung still thinks he's more beautiful than any angel he's ever thought up). jisung returned the smile minho had sent him and hoped with all of his heart that his had affected minho just as much.

He thinks he hears a small intake of breath, but he rations that it's the medicine and his mind playing tricks on him because minho is so undeniably gorgeous and so undoubtedly out of his league that he would never look twice at jisung. It's only when he sees the flush on minho's cheeks and a small 'you're too beautiful' that he believes the heavens are finally on his side. He quickly ducks his head, the heat quickly crawling up his neck and reaching the tips of his ears. He mutters a quiet thank you and bites his lip to contain the smile that was threatening to spill out.

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July 25, 2016 
You're being way too nice to me, you're getting my hopes up for something I know that will never happen. Please stop. 
-jisung

jisung wakes up to find himself in the same old hospital bed next to minho. He was supposed to leave over a month ago, but the doctors told him that his case worsened and that he'd need to stay longer. He's not complaining though because that means he gets to spend more time with minho which is a perk. It's quite cute how close they've become. They made a fuss to move their beds and combine them so they could talk during the nights they found it hard to sleep so it's no surprise that he finds himself wrapped in minho's embrace. He peeks open one eye and glances around him then quickly closes his eyes again and snuggles up to minho before falling back to sleep.

He wakes up to minho gently running his fingers through his hair and smiling down at him. The smile minho is sporting infuriates jisung because it's so sincere and beautiful, but he doesn't know if it's a 'you're my best friend, thanks for being here for me' smile or if it's one of those 'I want to kiss you so hard you can't breathe' smiles and he's really wishing it's the second option, but knowing minho it's probably the first option. He smiles back none the less and tries his best to silently convey that he wants to kiss the living daylights out of minho, but of course all he receives in return (like always because this never changes despite how desperately jisung wants it to) is minho smiling even brighter at him, his eyes disappearing almost completely. He tells jisung that he needs to go to his next chemo session and that he needs jisung to let go of him so he can leave.

"No! You're like a teddy bear!"

"I need to go though."

"But you can't leave, I need more sleep."

"I have to, and think about it this way: the faster I leave and go to my session, the faster I can come back and become your teddy bear again."

"Well what are you waiting for? Chemo doesn't have all day to wait minho, why are you so lazy these days?"

minho rolls his eyes and scoffs before quickly hopping off his bed and walking to the door. When he reached the door he promised he'd be back soon and blew a kiss to jisung before walking out of the room. jisung sat stunned, asking himself if he'd actually seen minho blow him a kiss. He pondered over it for a good thirty minutes before deciding that minho had only meant it in a friendly way. He quickly rolled over and as soon as his head hit the pillow he was out. He woke up to the rustling of sheets and the dipping of the bed he was on. He opened his eyes to find minho slipping under his covers and wrapping his arms around jisung's waist so effortlessly.

He began to wonder why minho was in his bed, but he noticed that he had apparently rolled over onto minho's bed (and he was currently cuddling with the pillow that had an overwhelming scent of minho). He made room for minho and then latched on like a koala as minho began running his fingers through jisung's hair. He snuggled even closer to minho and quickly fell asleep to the sound of minho humming lowly while practically petting jisung's hair.

*
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*

October 31, 2016 
Today's Halloween and your costume was the cutest little thing. It also brought a smile to my face. I think I'm starting to really like you a lot.
-jisung

jisung woke up in a very uncomfortable position. When he opened his eyes he found minho sitting as stiff as a board (while simultaneously trying to support jisung as much as possible), trying to stay as still as possible while trying not to move while seungmin painted his face. jisung whined at seungmin and complained about him painting minho's face.

"It's too early to be painting him to look like a-"

He turned to look at minho and almost melted at the sight.

"-A damn dog."

"Dude, it's literally almost 2pm."

"Well it's still too early."

"How early is too early for you jisung?"

"Until I finally wake up."

"Well I couldn't wait until 8 to paint minho's face so deal with it."

"Oh my god! And you could've at least let me go you know."

"No I couldn't have. Whenever I try to you just pull me back and yell at me for moving."

"....right...I'm going back to bed now....."

jisung sat up and then leaned his head on minho's shoulder until he was comfortable enough to fall back asleep without any complaints. He was lightly poked until he woke up by seungmin who looked very amused. minho started running his hand through jisung's hair to keep him from becoming grumpy and started rubbing circles on jisung's hip with his free hand. jisung sighed in content before looking over at seungmin with a questioning look.

"I need to paint your face."

"Why?"

"It's Halloween, I even painted minho's face! Come on, don't be a party pooper!"

"Ugh, fine! I better not look stupid though!"

"Trust me, you won't look stupid."

"....Alright, I guess."

"Yay!"

"I swear to god if I look stupid-"

"You won't! Don't you trust me?"

So jisung ended up sitting through thirty minutes of face painting sitting as still as possible while minho kept running one hand through his hair and rubbing circles with the other. He sat patiently and waited for seungmin to finish doing whatever he was doing to jisung's face (because jisung had no idea and he was quite terrified) and as soon as seungmin put the brush down jisung picked up the closest reflective surface and figured out two things.

1. he shouldn't have picked up minho's phone to look at his face.
2. he should have never trusted seungmin in the first place.

The first thing jisung saw when he picked up minho's phone was the extreme paleness to his face and then the huge mass of red surrounding his lips followed by a little red dot on his nose, the next thing being his eyes that were big brown eyes surrounded by poorly crafted diamonds; in conclusion he was a very disappointing clown. He hated kim seungmin and he would remember to tell him that for the rest of his life. He looked up at minho who looked at him with some weird look that he couldn't quite place, but he didn't feel comfortable because he didn't know what minho was thinking (even though seungmin found the fondness radiating off minho's face was obvious and gross, but found their obliviousness almost as embarrassing as changbin and hyunjin's obliviousness towards each other.).

"You look nice."

"Shut up, you have no right to say that to me!"

"And why not?"

"Because you look like a puppy and people aren't scared of puppies. I look like a damn clown, and a scary one at that."

"I think you're a cute clown."

jisung was suddenly very thankful for seungmin's over excessive use of white face paint because the red hue covering his cheeks was failed to be noticed by minho or seungmin. He'd have to remember to thank seungmin for making such good painting choices in the future. As if knowing that jisung was slightly embarrassed, the cue came for the other three 'friends' (jisung liked to call them jump starters to his death) burst through the door to help seungmin torture him. A very ecstatic hyunjin practically stumbled through the door followed by a very protective changbin (who caught hyunjin before he could fall) and a very third wheeling felix.

"There you are seungmin! You have no idea what I just went through! It was like watching a bad romance movie."

"Sorry Binne!"

"Ew don't get all coupley with me in the room, I will literally throw up all over minho."

"Ew, why me?"

"Because you're the closest."

"True. Get out of here with your coupley-ness I don't want my hair being messed up."

"Oh wow, that's all you care about? Your hair?"

"It's a miracle I still have it, of course that's what I care about."

"Well, I care about keeping the contents of my stomach INSIDE MY GODDAMN STOMACH!"

"Well, rude."

"Shut up minho."

"Me-ow."

jisung punched him in the arm, lightly because he didn't have the heart to hit him too hard, and rolled his eyes before ruffling minho's hair (which received a whine from said male) and leaned in to cuddle with minho who then proceeded to push him away while complaining about the state of his hair.

"Oh my god you care about your hair more than a living, breathing person!"

"I do not."

minho only proved jisung's point further when he picked up a mirror and started fixing it, making sure not even one strand was out of place.

"Oh my God, you're insufferable."

"Don't lie, you secretly like me enough to stick around."

"What makes you think that hm? Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to bed."

minho almost threw his arms out waiting for jisung, but he was instantly glad he didn't when jisung turned and made his way to his own bed. He watched as jisung got comfortable and snuggled into the blanket. He was about to ask why jisung got up, but seungmin beat him to it.

"Why did you switch beds? You never switch beds."

"Because my teddy bear is over here."

"But your teddy bear is usually minho."

"Yeah but this teddy bear would let me puke on him."

"I'm not letting you puke on me."

"And I'm not moving from this spot. Good night minho."

"Good night jisung."

seungmin almost left the room, but realized it was 3pm and forced jisung out of the bed.

"Let me go, I'm tired."

"You can sleep later, it's time to celebrate Halloween!"

"Ew."

"Zip it and get up."

"Fine."

The six boys left the room and headed to the hospital's Halloween party where they drank too much apple cider and ate too much candy. changbin was dragged around by a very hyper and very much screaming hyunjin followed by seungmin and an equally as hyper felix. minho sat lazily in a chair with a very tired jisung wrapped in his arms, his head lolling to the side every once in a while, threatening to rest on his shoulder. jisung was exhausted and he was so ready to go to sleep.

After trying to keep his head up for thirty minutes, his head finally rested on minho's shoulder and his eyes slowly drooped until they finally closed. He was jolted awake when minho tried to maneuver him to the other leg. minho looked up at him and smiled, the smile that always made jisung's heart rate increase, and asked him if he'd like to go back to the room.

"No, I wanna stay with you."

"I'm going to go with you."

"Oh."

"You wanna go?"

"Okay."

"Alright, you'll have to walk then."

"Ew, can we stay then."

"No, come on you can get up."

"Ugh, fine."

minho and jisung quickly got up and told changbin and seungmin (since there was no use in telling hyunjin or felix because 1. they were too hyper and 2. they were nowhere in sight.) before leaving area. They had made it two steps out of the doorway when jisung stumbled the first time and another three before he stumbled again. It was the third time that jisung stumbled when minho grabbed his hand and led him the rest of the way to the elevator.

When they were inside, minho pressed the button for the sixth floor and jisung slouched against minho. When they reached the sixth floor, minho piggybacked jisung the rest of the way to the room and carefully laid him down on the bed before covering him up and turning to go to his own bed. Before he could take one step, though, he found a small, tan hand wrap around his wrist and tug him closer.

"Stay with me."

minho took a deep breath and swallowed hard. jisung looked stunning and he couldn't say no to him, not even if he wanted to.

"Okay."

minho carefully slid into the bed and under the covers before gently wrapping his arms around jisung. jisung smiled softly and cuddled up to minho before going to sleep while being held by his teddy bear minho.

*
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November 14, 2016
We walked outside and you felt a lot like Autumn. Cool colors, wind, and warm jackets. All of it made me fall even harder for you.
-jisung

jisung woke up to the sound of low, gentle humming. he soon began to feel the fingers combing through his hair and the slow, rhythmic circles being drawn on his waist. He opened his eyes to find minho looking at him so fondly (that stupid smile jisung loved so much gracing his face and melting jisung instantaneously) that jisung almost forgets he wakes up this way every morning because he's so entranced.

"Good morning sunshine."

"Good morning jisung."

"Wait, it's actually morning?"

"Surprisingly, yes."

"Wow, I think I need to go back to sleep, this is weird."

"You're right, it is."

jisung looks over at minho and smiles at him, minho effortlessly returning it with his 'let's kill jisung' smile. He whispers a 'goodnight' to minho before he finally closes his eyes and falls into a dreamless sleep. He is woken up again when hyunjin comes in very loudly (with a very smitten looking changbin following closely behind) and checks jisung's vitals and gives him his antibiotics. hyunjin leaves and changbin is about to when minho tugs his arm to get him to stay.

"Did you ask him out yet?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

"It's not that easy jisung."

"Uh, yes it is. Literally all you have to do is breathe and he'll say 'I love you'."

"Um.."

"jisung's right changbin-"

"I know I'm right."

"As I was saying, he's right. hyunjin is so in love with you. You should just go for it without any regrets."

changbin gave one last terrified look before he gave jisung the 'seriously, take your own goddamn advice' look before nodding and walking out of the room quickly.

"I think that worked out pretty well, how about you?"

"I think so too."

jisung turned his head to look out the window and he noticed the leaves that fell out of the trees. He noticed the leaves floating in the breeze and the way the sun shined, brightening the sky. He suddenly thought of an idea and he looked at minho with puppy eyes.

"what?"

"I have an idea!"

"...Should I be scared?"

"No! I just wanna go for a walk!"

"Oh, okay. Let's ask then."

"Yay!"

minho pulled jisung off the bed and pulled him out of the room, walking up to the nearest nurse. He quickly asked if they could walk outside, and he pulled jisung out the door after receiving the go ahead. They walked around the seemingly small courtyard behind the hospital for what felt like ages before jisung found a fountain and tugged minho along. He plopped down and tugged minho down with him before he began pointing at all of the leaves that were falling to the ground.

"minho look! The leaves are falling!"

"Mhm."

"Isn't it so pretty? I mean the colors of the leaves mixing and the way they sway in the autumn breeze, it's so breathtaking right?"

"Oh, I definitely see something breathtaking."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing."

"You sure?"

"No I didn't say anything, I was just agreeing with you."

"Oh okay."

jisung turned back to watch as the leaves fell from their trees and danced their way to the ground. He looked around the small courtyard and began to feel an overwhelming sense of joy flowing through his veins as he watched his surroundings.

"You know, autumn is my favorite season."

"Really?"

"Mhm, I love sitting outside and watching as the leaves change color from green to red, yellow, and orange and I love watching them float to the ground too!"

"That's cool!"

jisung turned to look at minho as minho pulled him closer with one of those infuriating smiles jisung could never figure out. He did rest his head on minho's shoulder as he continued to watch the leaves fall though. He concluded that this year's autumn season was one of the best he's had because minho was with him.

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December 14, 2016
We snuck out to the courtyard again, but this time you kissed me....
-jisung

jisung wakes up to find himself surrounded by silence in a pitch black room. He grabs his phone and checks the time only to huff in annoyance.

3:13 A.M.

He sighs, at another night wasted on a nightmare. He looks next to him (to make sure minho is still there and that it was in fact just a nightmare) and sighs in relief when he sees that mop of light brown hair. He knows he shouldn't, but he shakes minho awake for the fourth time two weeks. minho pops one eye open and turns on the lamp on the nightstand.

"Another nightmare?"

"Yes."

"What happened this time?"

"You died."

minho pulled jisung closer and started rubbing his fingers through jisung's hair.

"It's okay, it was just a bad dream."

"I know, but I just- nevermind."

"What's on your mind?"

"Nothing, can we go for a walk?"

"What? This late? In the winter? You know we shouldn't be going out this late."

"Please? I really need to get my mind off the dream."

minho sighed before nodding his head in defeat. He quickly got dressed in some winter clothes (the workers have given up on making them wear hospital gowns being as they've been there so long) and urged jisung to do the same before they tried to sneak out of their room without getting caught (read: tried).

As soon as they stepped foot into the lobby they were stopped by hyunjin and changbin. Both nurses looked at them, disappointed, before asking where they were going.

"I want to walk outside with minho."

"It's too cold outside jisung, I can't let you."

"Oh come on! minho and I know how to be careful."

"hyunjin's right, you really shouldn't go outside."

changbin and hyunjin both kept telling them they couldn't go outside as they scooted further and further away from the door (to give jisung and minho enough room to leave when they finally got the hint). changbin nodded his head in the direction of the door (in plain view to jisung) as he said his next statement.

"You really can't go outside, it's too cold."

'They just made a pathway for us.'

"Thank you guys!"

"Why are you thanking us, changbin literally just said you couldn't go outside. There's no way you're leaving, also don't take this jacket out of my hand because you're not leaving."

hyunjin practically shoved the jacket in jisung's hand before he laced his hand with changbin's and began walking away.

"And remember don't go outside."

jisung quickly put the jacket on and dragged minho out the door. They quickly walked around the courtyard until they found their fountain. minho noticed that jisung, despite having a jacket on, was shivering, so he took his jacket off and wrapped it around jisung's shoulders. jisung quietly thanked him as he watched the flurries of snow fall slowly around him. When he finally looked up at minho his breath caught in his throat.

There were snowflakes falling all around his head and getting stuck in his hair, and jisung thought it was so beautiful. He didn't have any time to comment on it though, because as soon as minho looked at him he fixed a strand of hair that was in jisung's face and then started leaning in. jisung was completely shell-shocked; he had no idea what to do, but he soon gathered himself and began to lean in until he felt minho's breath on his lips. minho leaned in the rest of the way and placed a gentle kiss on jisung's lips before pulling back and smiling like he'd just won the lottery.

*
*

*

December 25, 2016
You got good news today! I'm sorry mine was terrible.
-jisung

jisung laid in bed waiting for minho to walk in with that guilty face he knew was coming. He knew minho would blame himself when he figured out jisung had pneumonia, it was only a matter of time. He waited ten minutes until he saw minho poke his head into the doorway, a frown etched on his face. jisung decided in that moment that the frown on minho's face didn't belong there and he'd do anything to make sure he never sees it again.

"Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault."

"jisung you're sick, I should've-"

"You hush up! It was my idea to go out, it's nobody's fault but my own."

"But-"

"Do you hear me? Nobody's fault but mine."

"jisung-"

"What did I just say?"

"Nobody's fault but your own."

"There we go! Also, I heard changbin say you had good news."

"Yeah."

"Well, what is it?"

"I'm going into remission."

"Wait, what? Like your cancer is gone?"

"Mhm."

"Holy shit, that's amazing."

"Isn't it."

"Holy shit."

"I know right."

jisung jumped out of his bed and tackled minho into a hug.

"HOLY SHIT."

"I know!"

"This is huge minho!"

"I know."

"You went into remission! I, I'm so happy for you!"

*
*

*

January 1, 2017
Today is New Year's. You kissed me at midnight.
-jisung

To say that jisung was nervous was an understatement. He was petrified. It was New Year's eve and he wanted to kiss minho so badly, but he wasn't sure if that was what minho wanted. He couldn't just come out and ask if he could kiss minho either, because that would be weird so he just had to wait and hope for the best.

jisung figures the universe is on his side when the clock reads 11:59 and minho is standing right next to him counting down the seconds until midnight. He has ten seconds to figure out what to do when minho does it for him.

10...

jisung looks up at minho.

9...

8...

minho turns to look at jisung.

7....
6...
5...

4...

minho pulls jisung closer.

3...
2...
1...

0...

minho pulls jisung in for a sweet kiss.

"Happy New Year's jisung."

"You too minho."

*
*

*

January 22, 2017
I don't know what to do

-jisung

jisung lay in his bed wondering what minho is doing and why he isn't in the room with jisung. He hasn't talked to him in a while and he wants to know if he's done something wrong, but minho's nowhere to be found. He sighs and calls hyunjin in.

"Yes jisung?"

"Do you know where minho is?"

"I do not."

"Have you seen him lately?"

"I haven't, I'm sorry."

"It's okay I guess. It's not your fault I can't find minho."

"I'm sorry again."

"It's okay. You can go now."

"Okay, bye jisung."

"Bye hyunjin."

jisung sighs and lays back down on his bed. He looks up at the ceiling as if it had all the answers to the questions he'd been asking. He soon got tired and closed his eyes...

*
*

*

minho sat in his and jisung's usual spot as tears ran down his face. He held the crumpled up letter in his hand and tried to steady his breathing. He clawed his face in an attempt to stop the flow of tears, but that had only worsened it. He took a deep breath as he opened the crumpled paper he found under jisung's bed:

GIVE TO MINHO LATER!!!!
-jisung

January 14, 2017

minho,

Hi! It's me jisung. I know this letter probably isn't very much but I thought I'd explain myself to you, so here goes. I love you. There I said it. I could never say it to your face, so I wrote it down. I love you so much, it's unreal. You're the sun that shines in the sky and the moon that comes out when the sun goes to hide. You're the clouds on a rainy day and the stars at night. You're my oxygen, my will to live. I know his might be weird, but we met in a damn hospital how can we be normal now? I just really wanted you to know that I love you so much and I'd do anything for you. You mean so much to me and I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't know what else to say, but I hope this letter reaches you in time...

Love always,

jisung

P.S. your smile makes me super happy. <3

minho flips the the next open page and begins to write his own entry, but this one's more towards jisung instead of himself (like a diary entry should be, but minho is a rebel). It reads:

jisung,

Meeting you was weird, I can't lie about that. We met in a hospital for crying out loud! No matter how weird it was, I would never change it. Meeting you was the best day of my life, considering I was in chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer. The moment I saw you I knew I needed to talk to you, to know you. It didn't matter that your dirty blonde hair was matted and clinging to your forehead, it didn't matter that you were so hot that you were sweating, it didn't matter that you looked like you wanted to empty the contents of your stomach on the blue jacket of the person holding you (who I later came to know as seungmin, the boy felix constantly fawned over), and it certainly didn't matter that we were in a hospital because you were stunning and I needed to get to know you. You ended up being my roommate and it felt like the world was on my side.

Months flew by and before I knew it, it was Halloween. I was a puppy and you were a clown, not like you had a choice anyway. You still looked beautiful and I couldn't deny the fact that I was falling for you. You were always clinging onto me and I couldn't stop smiling. I didn't want to let go of you, even when you fell asleep to my humming. You looked so peaceful and I couldn't help myself so I took a picture.

Then the autumn leaves began falling and so did I. I fell harder and I couldn't get you out of my head. We ended up walking through the courtyard behind the hospital. We walked until we found a fountain, then you sat down and pulled me with you. You watched the leaves fall and that was when you told me that you loved autumn most because the colors were beautiful and everything was captivating to you. You glowed when you were talking about autumn and you quickly became the most captivating person I've ever seen.

It didn't matter how beautiful autumn was at that moment because not even the brightest of colors or even the gentlest breeze of autumn could take my breath away as fast as you did that day. You were so happy and I just wanted to kiss you so badly, but I didn't because I didn't want to spoil the mood with my feelings that I thought to be unrequited (now I know that I should've kissed you then because you felt the same). Instead I pulled you closer and you snuggled up to me. It wasn't a kiss, but it was a step closer and I took anything I could get.

As winter came we went to the courtyard more. We shouldn't have gone, but you wanted to be a rebel and I couldn't say no to you. I think you'd figured that out rather quickly and used it to your advantage. You told me everything would be fine, and I was stupid to believe you. I wanted to say no to you, but I knew that your smile would falter and I couldn't stand seeing that so I agreed to go with you. You waited for night to fall before you got dressed and told me to follow you. We snuck out of the room (only to get caught).

You begged them to let you go outside, and it took them a while until they finally gave in, then out the doors we went. We walked to the courtyard again and sat at the fountain. You were wearing a thin jacket and it was snowing, so I gave you mine (you had the flu, what else was I supposed to do?). I should've gave it to you earlier, maybe then.... Anyway, you thanked me with a shy smile. When I went to say "you're welcome" the words were lodged in my throat. You were looking at me so fondly and the snow was getting stuck to your lashes as your hair fell in your face, so I moved it. Then I kissed you. I don't regret kissing you.

I received news during Christmas that same year: good news and bad. The good news was that I went into remission. I was so excited that I'd get to live longer to see you more, but then the bad news came: you had pneumonia. You had to stay in the hospital because you were sick; bedridden, and it was my fault. I should've said no. we shouldn't have gone in the cold. I came in and I guess I looked guilty because the first thing you said to me was "don't blame yourself, it's my fault,". I couldn't stop blaming myself for it. Your condition got worse as the days went by and I felt even worse about myself. I waited until New Year's to kiss you for the second time.

Then January came. I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I did in January. I still blame myself to this day. I think the universe actually hated me and that was his sick joke to get back at me for whatever I did wrong. You never recovered from your pneumonia. I had beaten cancer and stopped chemo as you were hooked up to an oxygen tank. You were put on life support on January 5th and I stayed by your side until the very end. I got one last kiss and that was on New Year's. You were taken off life support on January 22nd, but it's not because you got better......

The doctors ended your life and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I'm sorry that it had to be you. I wish it was me that was dead, I honestly do.

All I do is think of you. They say that it gets easier after time, but six years have gone by and I still can't get over you and I don't think I will ever be able to get over you. I won't be able to get over your dirty blonde hair or your cedar colored, golden spotted eyes. I won't be able to get over the cute height difference we had or the times we cuddled on my bed. I won't forget the high cheekbones or your smile that was so breathtakingly beautiful that even the entire universe was overshadowed. I won't forget your laugh, the laugh that drove me crazy (in a good way, I promise. I could only ever say good things about you anyway). I won't forget anything about you jisung, you're unforgettable. I regret that it took me too long to figure that out. I wish we would've had more time to spend together.

I regret a lot of things jisung, but what I regret the most is never telling you that I loved you. You needed to know, and I was too much of a coward to tell you those three words. They were just three small words, but their impact was so huge that I scared myself away from telling you. I waited until it was too late, and I regret that with every fiber of my being; I wish I could turn back time and tell you that I love you, but I can't and that's something that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

Why didn't you tell me? They said you knew all along, yet you didn't tell me? Were you trying to save my feelings? Because whatever you did made me feel worse about myself. I will never stop blaming myself for your death, and I hate myself a little more with every day that passes by. You were more than just a boy. You were the seasons all wrapped in one, you were the stars and the sun as a whole, you were the rock that kept me grounded. You -

You were my world, jisung, and now that you're gone my world has come crashing down around me. I'm a mess without you, you were my everything.

You still are my everything.

Love always,

your minho.

P.S. I will never stop loving you with all my heart.