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i'll try to sleep, but just lie here awake

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Patrick was staring up at the ceiling. As of late, he had spent most of his nights or early mornings this way.  Ever since they got back together Patrick had spent more nights awake than asleep. He had tried to get back to sleep but it usually didn’t last long. His brain kept thinking about if it was the right choice to get back with Rachel, this time had been the longest they had separated.  Maybe they should talk about it. Maybe they should get engaged. Everyone tells him they’re a good couple and maybe that was what they needed, some kind of stability, and nothing said stable like an engagement, right? It would make Rachel happy and he could see himself be happy. Yeah, he could talk to some friends see what they thought. Patrick turned around so he was spooning Rachel, breathing deeply he hoped he could fall asleep.

 

--- 

 

After they were engaged, he still couldn't sleep and instead just felt trapped instead of happy like everyone said he would be. This was usually when the small voice in his head said he should break up with Rachel for good. He didn't like that voice because he felt guilty, but sometimes he wondered how freeing it would be if he told Rachel how he felt. Looking at her he wondered sometimes if she had doubts too. She must have since she broke up with him about as much as he broke up with her. Maybe they needed couples counseling before they got married, just to make sure they were finally on the same page. What Patrick did know was he was going to have to make some decisions soon. It had been four months since the proposal and they hadn’t gotten anywhere in the planning and people kept asking, and he had no idea and even picking a date was exhausting. Patrick rolled over to face away from Rachel and closed his eyes, hoping for sleep.

 

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Patrick was lying on his side staring at David as he slept. It was early in the morning, the sun was just barely coming through the curtains, outlining David in a warm glow as he softly snored in his sleep. 

 

He couldn't get the comment David had said a couple of days ago out of his brain. David could see himself being with Patrick five years from now. Rachel had said something similar to that when they were dating, and he had felt constricted. When David said it, he felt his heart soar.

 

Right now though Patrick wondered what that meant. Did David still want to be dating, married, or simply in a long committed relationship? He never really had this conversation with Rachel and looking back they probably should have because it would have saved them a lot of heartache.

 

"You seem to be thinking about something pretty hard."

 

Patrick flinched a bit when he heard David. Looking at David he noticed he was much closer now, they were almost touching foreheads. "How long were you trying to get my attention?"

 

"Not too long, but I definitely knew you weren't paying attention when I said that I think we should have Jocelyn host a cooking demonstration at the store. Is what you're thinking about something you want to tell me?"

 

Patrick paused, "What are your thoughts on marriage?"

 

"In the past I would say it was something society forces on most people because of expectations, and while that's true, with my track record in relationships I knew that it was something that was attainable for people like my parents, but not me," David quietly responded "But now dating you has made me reevaluate, and it's something that could be a possibility." He wasn't able to meet Patrick's eye when he said the last part, almost as if he wasn't for sure that Patrick would want to hear him say that. 

 

"David, I know you know I've been down this road before but I just want you to know that I love you, and I appreciate your honesty." Patrick caressed the whole length of David's arm and then held his hand. "I see it as a possibility too." Patrick ended his sentence by giving David a kiss as he scooted over in the bed so that he could be physically closer to David, leaving no room in between them. 

 

---

 

Patrick glanced at the clock again and sighed.  This time he had too many thoughts racing across his mind so he gave up the idea of getting any more sleep and instead got out of bed and headed towards the kitchen. 

 

Quietly, so as not to disturb David he made himself a cup of tea and took it to the couch.  Yesterday had been his birthday and it had taken a turn he hadn't expected. Coming out to his parents wasn't in his plans but Patrick was glad that it at least turned out alright and he had David there for support. 

 

It had him thinking of marriage again. He wanted to propose to David, but he still had that nagging sense that he shouldn’t because of how it turned out with Rachel. He just had to remind himself that these were two totally different situations. First off, he was actually happy in this relationship. They also had better communication, he already knew that David would be interested in marrying Patrick and David knew what Patrick thought about marrying him. Patrick didn’t have that with Rachel, they never actually sat down and had that conversation. It was mostly just body language and nudging from family and friends. Hell, even Rachel said that his relationship with David was healthier than theirs when he had called her about a month ago.

 

Patrick finished his tea and walked over to the kitchen counter and set it down. He already thought about talking to Stevie about it and he still needed to look for a ring although he had a few ideas.  Patrick gently lifted the bedsheet and slid back into bed. David rolled over and threw his arm over Patrick and snuggled up to him. Patrick went to sleep with a smile on his face.

 

---

 

Patrick had tried to get some sleep this time. He knew it would be important to have a good sleep, but once it hit five he gave up. He was just too excited about today, he was going to propose . He had told David he was taking him on a picnic, packed the backpacks with essentials, and the weather forecast predicted good weather. 

 

It felt completely different to when he proposed to Rachel. He had felt put on the spot when he asked and while that was somewhat true, it felt more constricting, that someone would tell him he didn’t really mean it. This time he already knew it was different, would be different, and as he looked inside the black box one last time, morning sun catching the rings, he couldn’t wait.

 

---

 

Patrick opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times to adjust to the darkness. He looked over at the clock which read that it was three. He wasn't sure what woke him up, for once there was nothing to overthink. He glanced down at his left hand where his wedding ring sat. They had gotten married yesterday and after all of the festivities were over, they went back to the apartment. Today they would head out to leave on the small honeymoon they planned.

 

David shifted on the bed. “Go to sleep honey,” David said in a sleep-addled voice grabbing Patrick’s left hand as he did so. Patrick grinned, moving so they could snuggle, kissing the back of David’s head before he closed his eyes excited to start this new chapter in his life and for once he was at peace.