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I Wanna Be Yours

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“I’m gay.”

Remus was stood in front of his three best friends, fidgeting with his fingers nervously. They were all sitting on Sirius’s bed, staring at him with worried looks on their faces, as he managed to tell them the big thing he had gathered them together for. 

It had taken Remus a moment to gather the courage to tell them.

All the times he had imagined this scene going down in his head, it seemed so easy and effortless. But, he found it much harder to tell them when they were sitting right there in front of him.

So, Remus had blabbered on about the weather and schoolwork, before Sirius had asked why Remus had gathered them together. Then, he blurted it out.

Waiting for their responses was nerve wracking. He didn’t know what to expect from his friends.

He was sure that they had met gay people before. But Remus knew it was different when someone you knew was gay. 

“Merlin, Moony!” James said, running his hand through his wild hair and making it even messier than usual. “I thought you were going to tell us--” He lowered his voice. “You know, that you’re a werewolf or something!”

Peter and Sirius laughed at the old joke.

Remus chuckled, then ran a hand through his hair, letting out a nervous breath. “Are you okay with it?” 

“Of course, mate.” James stood and clapped Remus on the back, hanging an arm around his shoulder. “Besides, that’s just one less person to get in the way of me and Evans!”

Peter also stood, and put his hands in his pockets. “Did you really think we’d have a problem with that, Moony?” he asked.

Remus smiled and shrugged.

“Thanks for telling us,” James said, as he and Peter started back to the Common Room to continue the game of chess they had started.

Remus watched as they left, then turned his attention to Sirius, who was now leaning back on his hands and studying Remus.

“So, do you have a boyfriend or anything?” he asked.

“Um, yeah,” Remus replied, blushing slightly. “Kind of. I mean, I’ve been meeting up with this guy recently.” 

Sirius grinned at him and winked. Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Nothing like that yet, you nosy bugger” he said as Sirius laughed. Remus sat next to Sirius, who nudged him with his elbow.

“So. Who is it?” Sirius asked, his expression showing genuine curiosity.

“Erm. Andrew Davies. Hufflepuff in our year?” Remus replied.

“Cool. You and him and Sarah and I can double date to Hogsmeade! Next trip’s in two weeks.” Sirius said, patting Remus on the knee and standing. Remus looked at him with scepticism.

“You’re still going to be with her in two weeks?” Remus asked, eyebrow raised.

“Course Moony, I’m hurt you’d even say that!” Sirius said, a feigned look of outrage on his face.

“Of course, Sirius,” Remus said, grinning. “I guess the other ten girls you’ve dated this term were just practice for the real thing now?”

Sirius winked at Remus. “Yeah well, can’t blame me if they get too attached and whiny,” he said with a shrug. “You coming for dinner?”

“Yeah,” Remus said, swinging his rucksack over his shoulder. “I guess so.”

The walk to the Great Hall seemed longer than usual, and all Remus could think about was Sirius’ long (and rather disastrous) history with girls.

Sirius had come into sixth year with a seemingly insatiable need to work his way through every girl in the school from fifth year and up, excluding those to whom he was related. He was finally free from his family, and he wanted to bring as much shame to his ex-mother as possible.

Now, at the start of February, he had dated and dumped around ten different girls. It was becoming a badge of honour for some of the more flirtatious girls to be a notch on Sirius Black’s bedpost. The more feminist ones were outraged at both the serial womaniser and the girls letting themself be used just to say they had been with Hogwarts’s most charming and attractive boy.

The other Marauders had become used to finding random bras in the middle of the dormitory floor, or noticing Sirius’s bed curtains drawn with the distinct aura of a silencing charm hanging around his bedspace.

It was a little awkward for everyone, knowing what Sirius was doing behind the curtains with those girls. But, no one spoke a word about it in the morning, and Sirius’ reputation lived on to see another day.

“So, Moons, when do we get to meet the guy?” Sirius asked once they were seated at the table.

Remus dropped his fork. “ What?

“When do we get to meet the man who’s stolen your heart? Bring the lad home! We have to make sure he’s fit for our Moony.”

“No, absolutely not,” Remus said, taking a sip of his drink. “That is not happening. Ever.”

“What? Why? Moony…” 

“Sirius, no! You guys would destroy him.” Remus scanned the Great Hall, searching for his boyfriend’s face. Once Remus was sure he wasn’t near them, he leaned closer to Sirius and whispered, “He’s a bit, um, fragile. And you guys…Well…”

“Oh, come on! We wouldn’t ‘destroy’ him. I’m sure he’s a nice fellow.”

“Which is exactly why you would destroy him! You don’t really tend to like people unless they have rebellious motives.”

“I do not,” Sirius said, crossing his arms defensively.

“Don’t give me that bullshit. Yes, you do. Take me for example.”

“Remus…,” Sirius whined.

“I was an innocent little boy, until I met you and James and Peter. You corrupted me! I break rules now, and I’m sure first year me would die if he knew he was destined for detention.”

“You’re a bad example. You always had that spunk in you-- we just had to bring it out!”

“And that’s what I’m saying,” Remus said. “You like people who break the rules. Look at our friends! They’ve all had detention at least three times.”

Sirius looked away from Remus, staring down at his plate instead. After a moment, he pushed the dish forward and stood up.

“You know where I come from. You know how bad it is.” Sirius paused, and shook his head. “Maybe being rebellious is the only thing I know.”

“Sirius!” Remus called out.

But it was too late. Sirius was already out the door.

Remus sighed, and sat back down.

He finished dinner, alone, then made his way back to the Common Room. James and Peter greeted him as soon as he walked in, to which he responded with a grumble.

In no time, Remus was changed into pyjamas and climbing into bed, thinking about the events that had occurred that day.

Had it been a mistake to tell his friends he was gay? To tell Sirius that he had a boyfriend? 

He wasn’t sure.

Part of him said it wasn’t a mistake. Keeping his sexuality a secret was hard, and he hated every minute of it.

It had been years since Remus realised he was gay. 

It was during their third year, when the other boys with whom he shared a dorm were constantly looking at girls and commenting on how hot they were. They would spend time flicking through Playwizard magazines (which Peter managed to get hold of) and expressing how glad they were that the robes hid their embarrassing reactions to some of the older girls at inconvenient times.

Remus had joined in, but didn’t really understand what they found so interesting. He had similar reactions to some of the pictures in James’s quidditch annuals, though, and felt those flutters of attraction and nerves when particularly close to some of the other boys in the school.

It wasn’t long ago that Remus and and Andrew had met. They had a few classes together, and would partner up for projects.

Then, around Christmas, Andrew had shyly kissed him after a study session, during which they had moved closer together, hands brushing as they wrote about Amortentia and the dangers of using a strong love potion.

By the time school started again in January, Remus and Andrew had started dating, and agreed to keep their relationship a secret until they were comfortable enough to share with their friends.

They continued to meet in private, claiming to be working on essays and revising together. Remus had often helped other students with studying, so no-one had questioned what he was doing with another student, and for such a long time.

They had taken the news well , Remus thought, staring at the canopy over his bed. Nothing had been different over dinner, except for Sirius storming out. (He seemed fine now, though, having invited his latest girlfriend back to the dorm. The pair of them had disappeared behind the curtains, and they surely weren’t coming out until the morning.)

Remus wasn’t sure why he had been so nervous to tell them. After all, being gay wasn’t as taboo as being a werewolf, and they had taken that news pretty well.

He turned over, trying to find a comfortable position to help him sleep, and drifted off with a feeling of peace he had been missing for weeks.

 

***

 

Both Sirius and Remus had a free period first thing on a Thursday, to the envy of James and Peter, both of whom had decided to continue studying divination. After breakfast, they wished them luck with today’s prophecies and started walking back towards the common room.

“Fancy a game of something, Moons?” Sirius asked as they approached the Fat Lady.

“Oh, sorry Pads. I figured you’d be with-- What’s her name again? I can’t remember. But, I thought you’d be with her all morning. Has she even left our dorm?”

They climbed through the hole after Remus gave the password ( Sidewinder ) and straightened up in the Common Room.

“Yes, she’s gone now, don’t worry,” Sirius assured. “She disappeared after breakfast.”

“Ah, I’m sorry about that.”

Sirius shrugged. “Anyways, what are you getting up to?”

“I’ve actually got a study session in the library.”

“How very Remus of you,” Sirius sighed. “Can I come? I’ll be quiet, I promise. I don’t want to go back up there!” he said, gesturing to the stairs.

“I would let you come, but…um…” Remus blushed.

“But…?”

“Well, it’s not really a group thing,” he said, suddenly very interested in picking at his thumbnail. “I’m, well…studying with Andrew.”

“Oh.”

Sirius had not expected to be turned down. He paused for only a second before plastering a grin on his face and speaking in an unnaturally cheery tone.

Studying ,” he said with a wink. “I get it. You should have just said. I’m sure I’ll be okay on my own. Two whole hours without my Moony. I’ll try not to shrivel up and die.”

Remus was confused by Sirius’s tone, but decided to take it for what it usually was-- Sirius being ridiculous.

“Right, okay. Well I’ll go to get my books. Want me to see if your lass came back?”

Sirius cringed and nodded.

The girl, whose name Remus could not for the life of him remember, was thankfully nowhere in sight. 

Bad news for Sirius, Remus thought. He could be sure the relationship was over if the girl hadn’t returned to Sirius’s bed in the morning.

Remus quickly gathered his school books, quills, parchment paper, and ink, then hastily shoved it all into his bag.

“The coast is clear, Pads,” he said, running downstairs to the Common room. “Try not to dump this one, yeah? You’re starting to get a reputation.”

Sirius groaned and put his face in his hands. “Yeah. I just hate them sleeping over, that’s all.”

Remus grinned at him and turned to leave. “See you later. Try not to shrivel up and die!”

Sirius grimaced, and watched as Remus ran out the door and down the long corridors.

He waited anxiously for ten minutes, before his curiosity got the better of him. He grabbed his own bag, and found himself walking out the door. 

In no time, Sirius arrived at the library, and entered like he owned the place, giving Madame Pince a dazzling smile and ignoring her suspicious expression.

Once inside, he moved slower, creeping around the stacks to find Remus, under the guise of looking for a book.

He eventually spotted Remus and that other boy, sitting together at a small table. He moved closer, trying to hear what they were saying, without being seen.

“So, did it go alright?” Andrew asked Remus.

“Yeah, surprisingly well, actually,” Remus answered, smiling. “They’re all fine with it. I think James is just glad there’s one less guy to compete with for Lily’s heart!” Remus took the other boy’s hand under the corner of the table and laced their fingers together.

Andrew grinned at him, and leant in to kiss Remus, who suddenly spun around, looking in Sirius’s direction.

“Sirius, what the fuck?!” he exclaimed, dropping his boyfriend’s hand and jumping up from his seat.

Sirius inwardly cursed at forgetting that Remus could always sense him nearby. He grabbed a random book from the shelf, and tried to act casual.

“Oh, hey Moony. Just thought I’d get some books, do a little studying…” He held up the book as though it were proof. “Hey, is this the bloke you were telling us about?” Sirius smiled at the bewildered looking Hufflepuff. His smile fell when he saw Remus’s expression.

“Excuse us a moment, would you Andrew?” Remus said politely, then grabbed Sirius’s arm in a bruising grip and pulled him across to the next section.

“First of all, you knew I’d be here, so don’t look so surprised that you just ‘happened’ to find us. Secondly, you don’t study. And if you did study, you certainly wouldn’t be studying how to interpret the objects you see in clouds to predict the future.” Remus grabbed the book from Sirius’s hand. “So, do you care to explain why you’re clearly spying on me? Or shall I just assume you couldn’t last fifteen minutes without someone paying you attention?”

Sirius hated being on the end of one of Remus’s scarily accurate rants. He was the only one that could make Sirius feel ashamed of his actions, and he did not like feeling ashamed.

In for a knut, in for a galleon he thought.

If he was already in the doghouse with Remus, he might as well make it worse now rather than risk doing it another time.  He rubbed his arm where Remus had grabbed him and then took the book back.

“Fine, I’ll put this back. But for your information, I happened to see some very cool animals in the clouds the other day.”

He stalked past Remus and made towards the corner of the library where Remus had been sitting. Instead of placing the book back on the shelf, he thumped it down on the table in front of Remus’s chair and sat down.

“What are your intentions with our Moony, then?” Sirius asked Davies, who was looking thoroughly surprised and confused by now.

“Umm…,” the other boy managed to get out before an absolutely furious looking Remus threw himself down into the only remaining chair-- the one opposite his boyfriend.

“I am so sorry,” Remus said. “He needs constant attention or his ego starts to deflate and the entire gravitational pull of Hogwarts would disappear.”

Andrew looked uncomfortable and gave Sirius a nervous smile.

Remus frowned at his friend and crossed his arms. “Sirius. Go. Now. We’re trying to get some work done and I swear I’ll hex your hair off if you spy on me again.”

Sirius stood, holding his hands up in surrender with an unreadable expression on his face. “Calm down Moony, I’ll go. Just wanted to hang out, that’s all.” He stepped around the chair and left, putting the book back on the shelf where it belonged.

Remus looked at his boyfriend, who looked utterly confused. “I’m sorry. My friends are a pain in the arse. Especially that one.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Right. Where were we?”

 

***

 

Sirius was annoyed.

He hated to be rejected, and by one of his best friends! Remus having a boyfriend was not okay, not if he was going to fuck off with him all the time and throw Sirius out on his own. Who did that Davies guy even think he was? Stealing Sirius’s friend like that. Twat.

He stalked out of the library and headed towards the main doors so that he could maybe work off some steam flying around.

As he got to the second floor, he noticed a girl from the year below walking just ahead of him. Marjorie or Marigold or something. He’d been with her before and she was alright. A bit needy, but he wasn’t intending to start a relationship or anything. Not when he had a girlfriend already.

Unfortunately for his girlfriend, she wasn’t around and Sirius wanted someone now.

He sped up and grabbed the girl’s arm. “Hey, want to come kill some time with me?” he asked her, raising an eyebrow.

She smiled and turned to face him. “Absolutely,” she replied.

Some of the girls at Hogwarts were too eager for Sirius to want to spend any time with them, but they would do for quick tussle in a broom closet. Those girls just wanted to be with him because he was Sirius Black and any time with him was considered a gift.

Sirius knew she was one of those girls, but he didn’t care. All he could think about was touching her and kissing her, and doing everything he could to keep Remus fucking Lupin out of his mind. 

He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the nearest empty room, which happened to be a broom closet. He quickly cast a locking charm on the door then took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply, backing her against the wall.

She gave as good as she got, plunging her tongue into his mouth and pushing her hips against his. Sirius closed his eyes and ground himself against her.

He could never seem to enjoy his liaisons without closing his eyes. The girls mistook it for passion. Sirius didn’t know what it was.

He had to imagine away the soft curves and delicate hands. It wasn’t that he wasn’t attracted to her. He was. But something just didn’t feel right. It never did.

The girl grabbed Sirius’s hand and moved it to her breast. He responded by taking both her wrists and pinning them to the wall as he increased his pace. She moaned his name at the change in rhythm and Sirius pictured someone else in her place. Slender hips and short curly hair, and amber eyes closing as he moaned Sirius’s name.

Sirius pulled back, panting. He looked at the girl, surprised that he wasn’t looking at his best friend.

Fuck he thought as the realisation fell on him. I want Remus .

He turned his head away from the girl’s, breathing heavily and trying to push all thoughts of Remus aside.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said frantically, grabbing his bag from the ground. “We’ll do this another time, yeah?”

Before the girl could respond, Sirius was out the door, and making his way to the Great Hall for lunch, where he found an angry Remus who had elected to sit at the Hufflepuff table, rather than with the other marauders.

“Moony’s gone over to the Puffs, then?” Peter said.

“Don’t call him that,” Sirius snapped, causing Peter to look surprised. “Oh, you meant Huffle puffs. Sorry, mate,” he said, then went back to glaring at Remus.

“What’s up, Pads?” James asked. You look like you’re ready to kill someone.”

“Did you notice that Remus is always with that guy? He just abandons us now that he’s dating Andrew,” Sirius grumbled. “What’s so special about him anyway? He’s not even that good looking.”

“I dunno,” James replied. “He kind of looks like you, don’t you think?”

He wasn’t wrong.

Remus’s boyfriend had black hair, slightly longer than most of the other boys at Hogwarts, and a similar facial structure to Sirius.

The comparison did nothing to help Sirius’s mood and he threw down his fork and left the table.

“I’m full,” he said, storming away. “See you in Transfiguration,” he mumbled to Peter and James, then stalked out of the Great Hall.

Transfiguration, and the rest of Sirius’s classes, were horrible.

All he could think about was Remus Lupin, with his curly hair and his gorgeous eyes and freckled skin.

Dinner was a bore as well. 

Sirius hadn’t realised just how much Remus meant to him until he was gone, along with his snarky humor and charming personality (at least Sirius thought it was charming. And that damn Andrew kid).

Later that evening, when Sirius was lounging in bed, Remus burst in, demanding to talk about the incident that had happened earlier that day. 

“Okay,” Remus said, slamming the door shut. “Are you going to explain what today was all about?”

“What are you talking about?” Sirius asked, feigning a look of confusion.

“You know perfectly well what I mean. Spying on me in the library, throwing a hissy fit at lunch, and ignoring me all afternoon. Does this have something to do with yesterday? I’d rather you just said if you have a problem with me being gay.”

Sirius stood up and a look of hurt passed over his face. “No, of course I don’t have a problem with it. I completely understand. I mean, I can imagine what it’s like to feel like that. And no, it’s not a problem.”

“Well what is it?” Remus asked, clearly confused and irritated.

“It’s just… Well…” Sirius couldn’t seem to find the words to finish his sentence.

Remus raised his eyebrows.

“You’re just spending all your time with him and I miss you and he’s getting in the way. I have a girlfriend but you don’t see me blowing you guys off to spend time with her.”

Remus ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “Do you ever think that maybe you’d have a relationship that lasted longer than two weeks if you did actually spend time with your girlfriend instead of just meeting up for a quick shag and kicking her out?” It was a low blow but it didn’t seem to affect Sirius.

“They know what they’re getting into. Mates first. Marauders first. You remember making that promise? Because I do.”

Sirius was starting to get angry now. It felt like Remus was saying that they should spend even less time together so that Sirius could be with girls.

Remus sighed and pinched his nose. “Padfoot. It’s been one day. How can you miss me after one day? It never bothered you before.”

“Well before I thought you were studying, not canoodling with Hufflepuffs.” Sirius had moved towards Remus, the pair of them nearly shouting at each other.

“Why do you care who I canoodle with? You do plenty of your own canoodling. You’ve canoodled half the school!” Remus matched Sirius’s tone and stepped towards him, his height imposing to the pureblood.

Sirius took a step back. “Careful, Moony, anyone would think you are jealous.”

Remus was taken aback and seemed to shrink in on himself somewhat. He took a moment to collect himself and looked Sirius straight in the eye. “You’re the one sounding jealous here.” He turned on his heel and drew his curtains around his bed.

Sirius could only wait an hour before decided to talk to Remus again. In no time, he was stood by Remus’s bed, peeling the curtains open an inch.

“Moony, can I come in?”

Remus assented, and Sirius entered the bedspace looking ashamed. Remus put a bookmark in his book and closed it, setting it on the nightstand before turning to Sirius and raising an eyebrow as an invitation for him to explain himself.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all arsey with you. I just worry that someone will come between us all and we won’t be the Marauders any more. I really don’t have a problem with you dating another guy, I just get a bit protective of my friends,” Sirius explained.

Remus was surprised. Sirius apologising and admitting he was wrong only happened once every few years.

He stood up and gave Sirius a hug, clapping him on the back before letting go and shoving his hands into his pockets. “It’s fine, Pads. Nothing will come between us. But I like him. Really, we mostly study together, and you’d rather die before doing that!”

Sirius pushed his own hands into his pockets and snorted. “True.”

“Please don’t spy on us,” Remus said. “I’ll spend time with you and James and Peter, I promise. But, I also need to spend time with Andrew. Alone.”

“I promise.”

Remus met Sirius’s eyes and gave a curt nod. “Thank you.”

“No problem. And now I’m off to bed. G’night. Oh, and please sit with us tomorrow. Yellow really isn’t your colour!”

Remus smiled at Sirius and bade him goodnight, pulling his curtains once again to prepare for bed. He sighed as he considered the day. Sirius had been ridiculous. But it felt kind of nice to know that Sirius was, for once, jealous of Remus.

 

***

 

Remus did end up sitting with his Gryffindor friends the next day. And the following day. And the day after that…

His friends had also seemingly kidnapped him.

His study sessions with Andrew had been cut short, and sometimes they didn’t even get a chance to study at all. It had been days since Remus had last seen Andrew, and he felt horrible about it.

But, the Marauders kept plotting and scheming, and dragging Remus along with them. Not that Remus minded getting dragged along. Besides, he was a Marauder as well. He felt like he had to be there, even if that meant blowing Andrew off.

The clock kept ticking and the days kept going, and soon it had been a week since Remus had last seen Andrew. They were due to study in the library today, though, during lunch.

So, as soon as Transfiguration had ended, Remus made his way to the Great Hall to grab some sandwiches for him and Andrew, then he walked all the way to the library. He nodded at Madame Pince as he entered, then sat down in his chair, in the spot he and Andrew liked the best.

A few minutes later, Andrew arrived. He set his bag down on the ground next to him, and said, “Right, we need to talk.”

“Yes, I agree,” Remus said, digging his Potions notebook out of his bag. “I do not understand the homework that was assigned.”

“I’m not talking about homework.”

Remus looked up at Andrew, his brow furrowed. “What d’you mean?”

“Us, Remus. I’m talking about us. Is there an ‘Us’ still?”

“Of course there is,” Remus said, reaching for Andrew’s hand. “Why would you think otherwise?”

“I haven’t seen you in days outside of our classes. We go to the same boarding school. We should see each other more than the two classes we have together!”

Andrew pulled his hand away. Remus looked dumbfounded.

“Andrew…”

“I don’t want to date someone who won’t make an effort to see me.”
“Please, give me a chance,” Remus pleaded. “I promise I’ll try harder. It’s just, my friends need me around all the time--”

“They’ll always need you around. And where does that leave me?”
“There’s room for you somewhere,” Remus whispered.

“Not enough room.”
Andrew stood up, and walked to where Remus was sitting. He kneeled down next to him and put a finger under Remus’s chin, tilting his head up so their eyes meet. 

“Thank you, Remus,” he said, his voice soft. “I’ll never forget you.”

Andrew leaned forward, getting closer and closer until his lips met Remus’s. Remus relaxed against his touch, closing his eyes and weaving his fingers in Andrew’s dark hair.

Andrew’s lips were gone in an instant, and when Remus looked up to say something, he found that Andrew has halfway across the room. 

Remus wasn’t hungry anymore.

He packed his bag and practically ran out of the library, making his way to his next class. He sat down on the ground, right next to the door, and took a few moments to steady his breathing.

Great, he thought to himself. This is just great. My boyfriend dumped me because my friends are too fucking annoying.

Remus tried to avoid Sirius, James, and Peter for the rest of the day. He found that it wasn’t very hard.

He hid in the library for several hours, in a different spot than the one he went to with Andrew. He walked aimlessly around the halls, and even took a stroll outside, despite the freezing cold weather.

Eventually, it got to a point where Remus had to return to the Common Room. He knew if he stayed out much longer, there was a chance of being caught, and even though that didn’t bother Remus (years of pranks with the Marauders would get you caught plenty of times), he simply didn’t feel like getting in trouble.

So, a reluctant Remus Lupin made his way back to Gryffindor Tower, where he plopped himself in a sofa, right in front of the blazing fire. 

A moment later, Sirius made himself present at Remus’s side, sitting on the arm of the settee. 

“Moony, there you are! We’ve been looking for you all day.”
“Good,” Remus said, closing his eyes and shifting in his seat to get more comfortable on the sofa. “I didn’t want to be found.”

Sirius looked concerned now. “Is something wrong, Moons?”

“Yes, something’s wrong. It’s because you blasted idiots won’t let me have alone time with my bloody boyfriend! Or should I say ex-boyfriend.”

“Andrew broke up with you?”
All Remus could do was nod.

“God, I’m sorry. And all because of us?”
Remus nodded again.

“Well, maybe we can talk to him! Convince him that our intentions were good, and--”

“Absolutely the fuck not. Let him be, Sirius. That’s what I’m doing.”

For once in his life, Sirius was quiet. He simply sat there, watching Remus doze off on the sofa

Sirius did feel horrible. He didn’t like seeing Remus so upset, and wished there was something he could do to help.

But, Sirius was also overjoyed to hear that Remus was single again. Now, maybe there would be a chance that he and Remus could get together. Sirius knew, though, that he needed time to figure things out before anything with Remus happened ( if it happened).

For example, Sirius didn’t know if he were gay or not. Maybe his crush on Remus was just a phase, similar to those he had gotten on famous quidditch players as a kid.

Remus was starting to stir now, sitting up and rubbing his eyes sleepily.

“You’re still here,” Remus said, noticing Sirius’s presence on the sofa.

“Yeah, of course,” Sirius said, sliding down from the arm of the sofa and onto a cushion instead. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Remus simply shrugged.

“You know,” Sirius said, looking at Remus, “I think you can do much better than Andrew Davies.”
“Sirius! What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s just that you’re a lot smarter than him. And a lot nicer. And you’re funnier and wittier, and you’re so fucking selfless and daring and brave.”
“I don’t believe any of that,” Remus whispered, avoiding Sirius’s eyes and looking down at the fire instead.

“Yeah? Well, that doesn’t matter. Because I do.”

Sirius tentatively reached out with his hand, cupping Remus’s cheek and turning his head so their eyes meet. 

“Thank you,” Remus said, smiling at Sirius.

He began to lean forward, almost instinctively, at Sirius’s touch. His eyes were shut again, and he couldn’t think about anything else but the feel of Sirius’s hand.

Sirius froze for a moment.

Was now too soon to kiss Remus?
Yes, a part of him thought. But, I want this. I want it now. What if I don’t get another chance? 

But, as soon as Sirius had made up his mind, Remus was standing up and grabbing his bag from the floor.

“I’m tired, Pads,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”
Remus nodded and began to walk up the steps to their dorm. He stopped, though, and turned around and said, “Don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t,” Sirius said, though, he knew he was lying.

The rest of the night he spent downstairs, thinking about Remus. About how he seemed to relax under his touch, about how he was looking at him differently, in an almost loving way. 

What had it all meant?

Sirius had no idea. But, he knew one thing in the morning that he hadn’t known the previous night.

Sirius loved Remus.

And there was no telling if Remus loved him back.

 

***

 

Remus lay on his bed, staring at the canopy, but not actually seeing it. He was playing over the day in his head.

Everything had been normal until lunch, then it all turned upside down.

Andrew had broken up with him. It had felt like a heavy weight in his stomach when he had realised what was happening. He didn’t cry. Remus never cried. He just continued his day and then hid from everyone until he had to get back to the tower.

And Sirius. What had happened with Sirius? They had been physically close many times; Sirius was starved for physical touch as a small child and as a result, would be overly tactile with his friends.

This was different, though. It wasn’t just a friendly touch. If Remus had to put a word to it, he would say it was intimate.

It had overwhelmed him. The scent of Sirius, the feel of his fingers on Remus’s skin. He could even feel Sirius’s breath over his face. He had been so shocked by the desire to lean forward and kiss Sirius that he had jumped up and fled to the safety of his own bed.

He fancied Sirius. His best friend. His very straight best friend who was currently in a relationship. He shouldn’t be thinking of anyone like that, the day his boyfriend broke up with him.

Remus thought again of Andrew, who was almost the polar opposite of Sirius in personality, but actually fairly similar in looks, come to think of it.

Was he feeling sad about the end of his relationship and projecting onto the first black-haired male he saw?

He didn’t think so.

If anything, it was the other way around and he had been attracted to Andrew because he looked a little like Sirius, but wasn’t as boisterous.

Remus rubbed his hands over his eyes and took a deep breath. As he let it out, he rolled over and buried his head in his pillow.

Fuck.

His friends had found out his biggest secrets. How long would it be before they found out that the gay werewolf they shared a dormitory with was actually in love with one of them?

Merlin, he had a difficult hand in life.

It didn’t hit Remus until he woke early in the morning that he had realised he thought he loved Sirius. He wasn’t just attracted to him; his impatience with how Sirius seemed to use girls wasn’t down to any kind of feminism either. He was jealous.

The day went by slowly, and by the end of it, Remus came to the realisation that he was well and truly fucked. 

Throughout the day, Remus was double the amount of awkward, especially around Sirius, who seemed to be glued to his side after receiving a letter from home at breakfast 

He took off after their last lesson, though, and Remus hadn’t seen him since.

And that made Remus nervous. Not seeing Sirius.

Sirius was always around, so the lack of his presence was unnerving. James and Peter had told him to relax, but Remus knew something was wrong. 

So that’s how he found himself pacing the seventh floor corridor, wishing as hard as he could for a place where he could find Sirius Black.

The Room of Requirement was very specific with what it would give to its seekers. The last time Remus had needed to “find Sirius,” it had obliged, and given him a room full of telescopes and astronomical charts.

A door appeared in the wall and Remus opened it, raising his eyes skyward in a silent plea.

Please be the right room.

Remus was in luck. Well, sort of.

Sirius was indeed in the room, which had lounging chairs scattered around and several old cabinets against the wall with their doors open.

Sirius was sitting on one of the loungers looking at a gently burning fire. His eyes were red and he was holding an open bottle of firewhiskey in his right hand, whilst leaning on his knees with his forearms. He looked up as Remus entered.

“Moooony, how’d’ya find me here?” Sirius asked, slurring his words and giving away to Remus some idea of just how much he’d had to drink.

Remus walked over to him and tried to gently remove the bottle from his hand. Sirius pulled his arm back and pointed at Remus with the other hand.

“Y’don’t get this Moony. Not for you. I need it.” He took another swig from the bottle before Remus leant forward and snatched it out of his hand.

“Sirius, what happened?” Remus asked, his voice full of concern. “We haven’t seen you all day. What did that letter say?”

Sirius pouted at Remus for taking his drink but seemed to forget about it after a moment and put his head in his hands. “That was Walburga informing me that I’ve been blasted--” He threw his arms wide to emphasise the explosion, “--off the family tapesterry. Taspetry. Family tree. ‘M not a Black anymore.”

He grinned at Remus, who could see the hurt in his eyes. Despite wanting to be rid of his parents and even after leaving their home for good during the summer, the hate and rejection still caused him pain.

Remus sat down next to him, placing the bottle on the floor and put his arm around Sirius who leant into him. His heart started to beat faster from the proximity, but this was not about unrequited love or crushes. This was about being there for his best friend. He put his other hand to Sirius’s head and stroked his hair, hoping to bring some comfort.

Sirius stayed there for several minutes, causing Remus to think that he had fallen asleep. He hadn’t, however and lifted his head, his red-rimmed eyes seeking out Remus’s. Remus lowered his hand and arm from around Sirius and looked back at him. They stared at each other for a moment before Sirius leant forward, his lips finding Remus’s and his hand reaching around to tangle in his curls.

Remus was taken aback but allowed it to happen, letting his hands reach for Sirius’s face and returning the kiss with the same amount of passion Sirius was putting into it.

They broke apart, panting, and looking at each other with shock. Sirius was the first to move. He stood up, somewhat unsteadily, and started walking towards the door. Remus followed, grabbing Sirius by the arm and trying to turn him around.

“Sirius, we have to talk about this!” he said.

Sirius turned to look at Remus and shook his head. “In the mornin’, Moons. Can’t think now.”

He turned again and left the room leaving a confused Remus behind him.

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The next morning, Remus woke to find James and Peter had already left for breakfast and Sirius was in the bathroom. He sat on the side of his bed, anxiety running through him and various ways to start a conversation running through his head.

Several minutes passed before Sirius exited the bathroom. He froze when he saw Remus there.

“How you feeling then, Pads?” Remus asked. Apparently his own brain wanted him to go for a casual approach.

Sirius shrugged and walked over to his bed to put his pyjamas away and gather his books. “I’ve been better,” he said, pulling his potions textbook out of the cupboard.

“Sirius, can we talk?” Remus said, knowing he would have to make the first move to talk about the events of the previous night.

“Look, Remus. I’m sorry about last night. I was drunk. I shouldn’t have kissed you back, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.” Sirius said, looking tired.

Remus frowned. “Kiss me back ?” he asked, confused. “Sirius, you kissed me . What am I supposed to think of that?”

Sirius put his bag over his shoulder and matched Remus’s expression. “Remus, why would I kiss you? I’m not into you like that. I like girls, okay? Just because I was upset and drunk doesn’t mean I’m going to be okay with that. You took advantage of the situation.”

Remus, who had been confused until now, was incensed.

Sirius wasn’t only lying about what had happened, he was accusing Remus of pushing himself on someone who wasn’t able to make coherent decisions. He looked on in shock as Sirius walked past him and left the dormitory.

Remus had decided that he wouldn’t speak to Sirius for the rest of the day.

One day turned into two, and two into three, and the days kept going and going, and Remus and Sirius still hadn’t spoken. 

James and Peter knew something was wrong. They didn’t know what exactly it was that was bugging their friends, but they figured they would leave them alone, and give them time and space to figure it out themselves.

It was clear that they hadn’t solved things themselves. They were still ignoring each other, avoiding one another’s gaze, and making attempts to talk to either James or Peter instead.

The two boys were still at war when the full moon rolled around, which James found to be quite inconvenient.

“I’ll just go alone,” Remus had whispered angrily at him one night in their room. “It’ll be fine.”

“And come back all bloody and sore? No. I won’t allow it.”

“I’ll be bloody and sore no matter what,” Remus protested.

“Well, I’ll be there. Peter, too. Sirius can do what he wants.”

Remus didn’t say anything for the rest of that night.

Finally, the dreaded night had arrived. 

Around dusk, the Marauders snuck out of the castle, and made their way to the Shrieking Shack, where they would spend the night and the early hours of the morning.

James had somehow convinced Sirius to go along, so he was now sat in the corner furthest away from Remus.

“Shouldn’t be too bad tonight,” James said, trying to break some of the tension in the room. “Right?”

“It’s hard to say,” Remus said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Maybe if my best friend weren’t being a total arse, it’d be easier to tell.”
“Oi, I wasn’t the one who started this!” Sirius exclaimed from his corner.

“Boys, calm down!” James said, stepping in the middle of the room, between the two of them. “Let’s just make a truce and get through tonight, yeah? Then you can go back to your bitching and fighting.”

Remus and Sirius glared at each other for a moment, before Remus finally said, “Fine. Truce.”

“Fine!” Sirius spat.

Then he turned in his corner, and faced the wall.

James couldn’t help but sigh. He sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall, watching as the sun went down through the window. 

“Okay,” Remus said once the room grew darker. “It’s time.”

 

***

 

Remus was sore when he woke up. He always was the night after a full moon.

The room was empty, besides Padfoot, who was laying at the end of the bed, on top of Remus’s feet.

When he noticed that Remus had woken,, Sirius transformed in an instant, and said, “Up already, are you?”

Remus simply nodded. “My head hurts.”

“D’you want me to get something for it? I could go and get James or Peter, or something.”

“No, no, I’m good,” Remus said, sitting up in bed.

“Are you sure?” Sirius asked at the sight of Remus, who was still clutching his head.

“I’m fine, ” he snapped. “Why did James and Peter leave?”

Sirius sighed. “Said they wanted us to solve our problem. I said you wouldn’t want to, especially if you’re in pain.”

“Why did you kiss me?”

“I guess the pain isn’t too bad…”

“Why did you kiss me?” Remus asked again, this time with more urgency.

Sirius looked away from Remus, choosing to stare at the floor instead. “Like I said, I was drunk. It was a dumb mistake, really.”

“I think you’re lying. Tell the truth, Sirius, or else we’re not gonna get anywhere.”
“I am telling the truth!” Sirius protested. “I was drunk out of my mind. I needed something to distract me from that letter. That kiss was a distraction! That’s all it ever was, and that’s all it’ll ever be--”

Remus cut him off with a kiss, stopping the endless flow of words that were coming from his mouth.

Finally, Remus thought, as Sirius melted under his touch. Finally, you’ve shut up.

“Why did you kiss me?” Remus asked, again, clearly more annoyed. 

“Why’d you kiss me just now?”

“I asked you first.”

“Fine.” Sirius was quiet for a moment. He ran a hand through his hair, then met Remus’s eyes and said, “Seeing you with other guys made me angry.”

“What?”

Sirius nodded. “I’d always be off kissing other girls and doing…well…other things, and you would slip into my mind. And so, I would think about how it might feel to kiss you, and to hold your hand.”

“Sirius…”

“Maybe I did want to kiss you that night.”
“Did you?” Remus asked. “Did you want to kiss me?”

There was a pause. Sirius was silent, but only for a moment.

“It wasn’t a mistake. At all. I wanted it. And I…I thought you did too.”

Remus was shocked. 

He had always hoped that Sirius had meant to kiss him, but hearing him say it was true was both thrilling and nerve wracking.

“I-- I think I love you, Moons. And that kiss meant the world to me, really.”

“I think I love you too,” Remus whispered, tentatively laying his hand on top of Sirius’s.

Sirius smiled at him. “And I know I have a reputation, but, I don’t care about that. I don’t care about anything or anyone. Only you.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I know I don’t have the best track record with girls. My longest relationship was three weeks, and even I don’t know how I made it that far.”

“God, it really is that bad, isn’t it?”

“Hush, Moony, I’m being sentimental.”

“Right, sorry.”
“Anyways,” Sirius said. “Ignore how many girls I’ve dated, and how long I dated them for. None of that matters. I want to be with you, Moony.”

“I want to be with you as well,” Remus said, trying to hide a grin.

“Is that it then? Are we boyfriends now?”

“I’d say so,” Remus said.

He took Sirius by the back of the neck, pulling him closer and closer until their lips came crashing together. 

They moved in sync, sparks of passion and love flying around them. Sirius’s hands soon found themselves tangled in his tawny curls, tugging gently as he tried to get even closer to Remus.

Soon, though, Remus pulled away from Sirius, and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I could get used to calling you my boyfriend,” Remus whispered.

“Me too,” Sirius said, nodding, and pulling Remus flush against his chest.

The two sat like that in a comfortable silence, simply enjoying one another’s presence. It was nice, Remus thought, especially since they had been angry at each other for days on end. 

“You know,” Remus said, shifting to look up at Sirius. “I like this better than fighting.”

“Mhm,” Sirius hummed in response. “Me too.”